The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #212 Glased and Amused

Episode Date: May 4, 2022

Microscopes in science class were always a hit for Nikki and Andrew but don't count on them zooming in on a cat's tongue. Nikki would do a whole set in the Elizabeth Holmes voice. Andrew gets the Met Gala all wrong and Nikki hates it until she's invited. Andrew gets the same advice you'd get about being on shaky bridge about period sex. Nikki is looking forward to being on the Wendy Williams Show with Michael Rapaport and never throwing a first pitch again. You Heard It Here First, don't expose yourself in the office. Nikki's Reddit Dump gets them talking about handwriting, plowing butterflies with a car and 3 wishes to be granted by a genie. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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or wherever you go to find your podcast. We want to speak out and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, an investigative journalist, and this is my journey deep into the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy in my adult. He was like, I'll take you to the top, I'll make you a star. To expose an alleged predator and the rotten industry he works in.

It's honestly so much worse than I had anticipated. We're an army in comparison to him. From novel, listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. I'm Nikki Glaser. Andrew Collin is here too. We're in St. Louis in the studio. I just realized that These lights

I turned them both to me On Sunday night So Should I turn it right now? No I think it's I think it's good I just you know I need a little bit more

Is this a power trip? No Do you need more? You can definitely turn it But I I just realized that We can fix it later If you think Andrew

Looks a little bit shadowy In these In this footage On YouTube Which you can see In a couple bit shadowy in this footage on YouTube, which you can see in a couple days, let us know in the comments below. What's that thing that if he doesn't see a shadow? Groundhog. Yeah.

I feel like I have a lot of that energy. You do have groundhog energy? What the hell? So if you see my shadow, that means winter's happening? Wait, why do you have groundhog energy? I don't know. What does it even mean to me? I guess because you're hibernating, and then you come out, and you're kind of tired.

Someone has to pick you out of bed. There's always that fat man with the mustache, the twisty mustache who holds him. And you're just like, oh, and I'm just waking up, and you're like, oh. And then you either see your shadow, and you're like and then you either like see your shadow and you're like hey it's henda all right back to bed go go play golf or yeah back to bed yeah golf or bed it's i i feel like anything with a hog uh i i kind of have hog energy and then if you add ground which seems lazy you can't get on it though i i'll get down i could get down i just can't get back up and i can't get down either i can't really yeah i just gotta stay there for all winter

apparently how's the relationship with the cat going um i i would say it's better i would say he would disagree um i have a cat named mango we rescued rescued him. Thank you so much. Stop. Stop. Seriously, stop. Stop. Stop the applause. Oh, right. The people at home. Yeah. Please just listen to the podcast. You guys stop hooting and hollering and banging pots and pans.

He is not a nurse during COVID. I just adopted him. I'm just a human just like you guys. And he only did it because he first looked at getting a breeder dog. Yes. But it was too expensive. Thank you. Now everyone's sitting down. Now everyone's sitting down.

Now everyone's sitting down. The cat's good, man. The cat is, you know, he... Like, where is he when you come back to your apartment and Brentna's not there? Like, what's he doing? He's smoking rats, fucking reading Rolling Stone. You know?

No, he's either looking out the window. I don't know what he's looking for. He's always ready to pounce, but there's nothing to pounce he's a real i think that's anxiety i'm sure yeah when you're ready to pounce and there's nothing to pounce yeah that's like what the definition of anxiety is does buzzy like you more than avi noah he is so good about spreading his love equally. Aww. He's so loving. He does like Avi's

beard. In the morning, he'll just come up and headbutt him. It gets a scratching post. It gets to his beard. So I tell Avi that it probably reminds him of his mom's tongue. Aww. Yeah, because they're cats' mom. Cats' tongues, if you do a really close-up of it,

it's the most disgusting thing you've ever seen. Yeah, it just looks like a hipster from Brooklyn. Have you ever seen a cat's tongue up close? Yeah. It's so gross. It has little... Oh, it makes me sick. Yeah, anything up close is disgusting.

Yeah, it does. I love a cat's tongue, but anything... Yeah, you're right. Anything up close. There was this video... I love a cat's tongue....of a you're right anything up close there was this like i love a video of a guy putting like an apple he just gets at the store like under a microscope and the things that were crawling in this apple i am an i i love apples but i i don't even want to use my phone anymore you know anything anything in the body anything the skin makes me pretty

nauseous but i saw something recently and it looked like you're like your blood your platelets or whatever having a real big party in there i saw i'm not kidding it was like they look like they're raving yes it's a giant fucking coachella inside your body concert have you ever worn your sunglasses and the light reflected in a way that it magnified the skin around your eyes? And you could see inside your pores? I don't see the pores, but you can see really magnified skin. Wait, wait, wait. What?

You're seeing the reflection inside your own glasses? Yeah, you see the reflection of this edge of your skin right by your eye. Like this part in the glass. It's a very close-up. You've never seen your skin that close. I mean, were you a microscope head back in the day? In science class with the little glasses? Oh, my God.

The little glass that you put on there? All I want to see is pieces of skin I rip off my fingers under that thing. I think once I... Oh, man, I used to do something really weird. I used to rip out my hangnails and like put them underneath there because i just want to like torture it like when everyone else was doing like when i was done with my project or whatever just like hanging out waiting for the slow kids catch up and i was slow in science i was bad at it i was so bad at science one time i put um hot glue inside my wound like my um to pull out um

a hangnail i put like hot glue in it just to like torture it i was just such a weirdo but it felt so good and bad at the same time i loved torturing things we've talked about science projects before on here chemistry and what's the other one physics yeah i that's not my brain chemistry was not for me physics i i liked really it's very math heavy for some reason i just thought it was like very interesting about like things in perpetual motion that they will always be in motion unless there's friction like they were just like kind of wait what are you saying you're always being in motion unless there's friction you're talking about the motion in the ocean it's out hey yo i fucked my physics teacher yeah that's how he demonstrated it on top of the microscopes

i don't know if we had microscopes in physics but i just like you know like doing this with strings and seeing like the waves and like just wavelengths i don't know for some reason was um just the laws of the universe are interesting to me as opposed to like h2 plus o2 carry the like like chemical reactions are not as interesting yeah i don't know how i got through chemistry i i you remember this that you know it was big for a while in our childhood the ball thing on the strings where the one ball would hit and then the very last ball oh that are on like rich men's desks in the 90s yeah why was that got huge. Those are so cool.

I still am fascinated by those. Actually, it's pretty cool because if you did three, then three would go on the other side. I don't know how. Oh, yeah. That was cool. Don't shoot the messenger. You have a very cool dazed and confused thing going on right now. Like a modern day dazed and confused.

Really? Because I have like baggy like jenko tight pants on i think if you if you if you google a photo of dazed and confused i think nikki's nailing it right now glazed and you love that movie i don't know that movie that's great i said amused but abused is better um sorry no i like it better better This is a Wilco shirt I got Wilco people said My parents A huge box Am I wrong? Hold on

I'm gonna share this Wait you've never seen Days of Refuse? I don't think so It was just Just after? Oh man Yeah I was just a little

Too young for it You know Empire Records I saw So what was your High school movie That you would watch With your friends And go I'm that girl

Now and then But that was kids. What is that? And, you know, can't hardly wait. Okay. Wait, you thought you were those kids? Well, that blonde chick. Yeah, that is a not-Nikki's look for sure.

Yeah, who's in that? Matthew McConaughey. Uh-huh. Wait, is that the one that's like, they keep getting older and we get younger? Or whatever it is? Nailed it. Is that it? the one that's like, they keep getting older and we get younger? Or whatever it is? Nailed it. Is that it?

No, that's Ridgemont High. No, that's it. No, that's it. The line from Matthew McConaughey is... They keep getting younger and we stay the same age. No, the cool thing is we keep getting older and they stay the same age. Which is the most pedophile rock ever. Is Winona Ryder in that? No, she's not.

The girl from Chasing Amy's in it with the high voice. The one that talks like this. Okay, where'd she go? She aged out of her voice. She did not stay the same age. Her voice stayed the same age. She got older, but her voice stayed the same age. I have such a good time on stage when I do an impression of Elizabeth Holmes from the dropout.

Or like, you know, from when I do this. Oh, the love voice. Like, there was a part of me the other night that wanted to do my whole set like this. You think people would lose it? No, people would, I think, be very fascinated. Because that is how she got, like, that was one of her tactics to get men to like her. I feel like any instructional part of your set, you could go into that voice. I could go into this.

Because it feels very TED Talk. Like, I would learn from that voice. Yeah, because my point is that men tune out. When a woman, do you think she would have ever had any success if she talked like this? Can you imagine her being like, I have this idea for this blood machine that is in every Walgreens where you don't have to prick your finger. And I'm really, I think it's going to be so good. Can you give me a billion dollars as opposed to, I had this idea for a blood, it just wouldn't

have worked. You have to dress for that voice too. She couldn't wear a low blouse and then be like, hey, you want, maybe she could. Maybe a low blouse always works. My theory is that she was like, I can't... She's a smart woman and was like, I can't lead with sexuality. That's not gonna be my strong suit to get men to listen to me.

What else do I do? I think it depends on what... Oh, I mimic them. It depends what you're selling, right? Like, if you're selling... Well, if you're selling shots at like a... If you're trying to be sexual, this is your voice. And you have your tits out.

But why doesn't sexual work with blood platelets? It could, but she wasn't a sexy person. Ah. So you lean into your strengths. Turtlenecks. Like she just went into the other... She got more masculine. I do like the idea of like taking someone like a young Sidney Crawford

and having her as the spokesperson for like Jean replicate whatever the fuck they were doing in there you know what i mean like i guess yeah i don't know where the cut off of uh just being pretty sells you know what i mean like yeah i do think though that she's i mean that was a like people know that was an affected voice yeah she was trying to do that. Is there tape when she's not selling that sounds? Yeah, there's, and it's almost like Ilaria. Like, there's people that are like, I knew her back in the day. She was Hillary.

Yeah. Because Elizabeth Holmes did not talk like that kind of thing. The Met Gala is so stupid. I woke up so fucking angry today. I hate the Met Gala. I always see one of your story posts. Oh, sorry. Go ahead, Nath.

No, because I was looking up news stories for Why Do I Care? And that's all that there are. And I was like, I wonder if Nikki would ever go to the Met Gala. Does anyone know what it is? I Googled it after I saw it. What the fuck is it? The Glide. Gilded.

No, no, no. What is it? Gilded Age or Glided Age? I think it was Glided. No. I know you're going to tell me I'm dumb. Really? But I probably am.

This could be a hair jealousy moment. Hair jealousy. Isn't it something with Anna Wint it's like a part of like a museum thing i thought it was like a part of the guggenheim but like why don't we know like what what the fuck is this thing and who the fuck cares interpreting it guess what you know what the oscars are only entertaining because they're comedians they're making fun of it celebrities on their own are boring i'm so everyone on the red carpet looks pissed off. No one smiles.

Everyone looks uncomfortable. I just hate it. And yes, I would go. Gilded. I would go in a second. It's gilded. I can't wait to be invited and all of the things that I ever posted will come back to haunt me. But I'm telling you this right now.

I would go. Yes, you get the call tomorrow. I would go. What do you wear? This? No, I mean, I would have a stylist dress me in something that I'm deeply uncomfortable in that is supposed to represent this theme

that's supposed to say something about our world. It's so stupid. So you wouldn't do like, you know, fucking... You know, it's dumb for anyone who's not in fashion. People in fashion have at it. It means something to them. Celebrities, it's dumb for anyone who's not in fashion. People in fashion have at it. It means something to them. Celebrities, it's just celebrity worship. These people who do nothing.

I'm just tired of talentless celebrities. You know what I'd wear? I'd wear anything I could find at a gas station in the Midwest. That's what I would wear. I'm projecting, too, by the way. I feel talentless. What? I'd wear a hat that says, like, vibes.

People have tried to do that before I know that's what's annoying every joke has been done you know Trey Parker and Matt Stone dressed as like J-Lo for the Oscars

it's been mocked before it's just dumb and it's everywhere yeah it's everywhere and you know what I'm glad celebrities still have something

because no one gives a fuck anymore no one's watching the Oscars no one the Golden Globes are on Twitter celebrities still have something because no one gives a fuck anymore. No one's watching the Oscars. The Golden Globes are on Twitter. Let them have it because Hollywood is dying. No one really worships these people anymore. It's more about YouTube celebrities,

TikTok celebrities. Let them have it so they feel special but it's disgusting and there's so much waste. All these dresses, I go, where was that even? What are you going to do with that? No, for each dress, they give 20 other dresses to Africa.

The exact dress. I don't know why I'm so mad about it, but I'm just tired of, like, obviously Lizzo has talent. Amy Schumer has talent. The Haddads or Hadids. Not so much, right? I just, models, I'm just over it. I'm over worshiping models. I mean, they're beautiful. And there is something'm just over it. I'm over worshiping models.

I mean, they're beautiful, and there is something of like, it's like a piece of art where you go, or like a landscape. You know, the landscape didn't do anything to earn its beauty. And so that doesn't negate that we still can marvel at it. Yes. But worshiping it like it did something, like it is, oh my God, you're a queen. No. No more queens about about like i'm tired of like oh my god i love like uh like you're you're to die for just like these people that you're like

i'm such a fan of like young girls being fans of these women who just all they do is care about what they look like and i i'm just projecting because I just feel like I used to worship those people too. No, no, no, no. Not at this point in my life. Not at all. But in the past, I'm so furious about the Kim Kardashian thing,

I don't even want to talk about it because it's so, she is so, I feel for her because she felt the need to starve herself to fit in that stupid dress. And then she feels the need to... She couldn't get up the stairs.

It's embarrassing to even watch her in motion. She only wore that dress. It was an authentic Marilyn Monroe dress from when she sang JFK, Happy Birthday at Madison Square Garden, like the 60s. She wore it just to walk... Yes, at the glided age. Yes, at the glided age.

She did not glide in that dress. She gilled. She only walked. She looked like she had to go take a shit and it was dripping down her legs, you know, when you're like, oh God, please. I felt bad for Pete having to carry her.

So she just wore it for that moment for the red carpet and then she changed into a replica and the museum took it back. It was like for two months. Got it. Yeah. Remember the year she wore like a burka a hot burka like it had her face covered and everything yeah that was when connie was like hey i'm scared of losing you can you take it take it down a notch

yeah yeah it was um i'm just like it's gross i i understand celebrities do these things crash diets to fit in things to to make it work and they they have these weird regimens that they adhere to shut up about it you're not if i'm triggered by it someone who like does not have uh knows that crash diets don't work that i'm like done a ton of work on myself to not let these kind of like outside influences affect what how i eat and how i treat my body what is anyone else who hasn't done that work that is susceptible to it gonna think when kim kardashian says and i'm sure there's someone listening to the podcast that goes wait what did she do what'd she do to lose 16 pounds in three weeks i'm listening well i'll tell you what she did she starved herself and guess what she in in one of

the articles it says and then she binged on pizza and fucking whatever with pete it's all it's all gonna come back and it's gonna come back she's going to gain even more it's a big thing with guys too and so with ufc just keep it to yourself, Kim. It's the same conversation. So UFC fighters will walk around at like 185 pounds, and then they'll fight at 155 because it gives them a leg up because they're naturally a bigger person. And so after their fight, it's always like, and then finally I can eat pizza.

Every guy I know in wrestling has an eating disorder. Everyone I know that has a history of wrestling that doesn't even wrestle anymore is still struggling with an eating disorder yeah everyone i know that has a history of conversation wrestling that doesn't even wrestle anymore but it's manly is still struggling with an eating disorder and it's we it's it just it just sucks i just know the damage that her being public about that diet is going to do to the women in our culture mostly women also men and it's like it really is good job for eating disorder recovery centers they are going to make thousands of dollars off of kim kardashian because of all the people that are going to be sent to her center because they get eating disorders get kicked off with this like i just eat tomatoes for three weeks and and really clean vegetables and no sugar

and i work i wear a sweatsuit and a sauna. Does that sound like a good life? By the way, I would never want to be around someone who was doing this. I bet she was such a fucking bitch for three weeks. When you're hungry and doing this, you're miserable. God, why can't people just live their lives? I thought we were beyond this diet culture thing. I'm surprised they don't have like a drug

or something for after you fall apart with the eating disorder. Like I'm surprised the Kardashians, hey, do you want to rebound from your eating disorder? Like they're not, how far away are they from that? That's not even like a crazy thing that they would have. Oh, like kind of like stuff you drink after you like recovery juice,

like in the morning after you get fucked up. Yeah, after you start yourself for three weeks and like and you're about to die they're like two we got the perfect thing for you to gain back those 10 pounds yeah here's a way to get your electrolytes and your potassium back so you don't fucking collapse in church yeah they don't give a fuck there's they're very greedy people man it's when they have a billion dollars you don't have to keep doing it i i bet you anything she has some money in tomatoes because she was like, all I ate was tomatoes. I'm like, I bet they have like a new Kardashian tomato coming out. Let's take a break and come back with the news right after this. Andrew!

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And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out, we want to raise awareness, and we want this to stop. Wow, Very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, and I'm an investigative journalist. When a group of models from the UK wanted my help,

I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a playboy model. Lingerie, topless. I said, yes, please. Because at the centre of this murky world is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his pattern of behaviour. He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it. He's everywhere and has been everywhere.

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And we are back. Andrew is now in the light. Wow. Yes. Yowza. I'm on the Kelly Clarkson show today. Tune into that. Pre-recorded then. Obviously. That was dumb to say that. But I'm not saying, Clarkson show today. Tune into that. Pre-recorded then.

Yeah. Obviously. That was dumb to say that. But I'm not saying, you're not calling in. No, no, no. I was on it with Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil.

We became friends on that. The pictures came out from it. I put some on my fucking Instagram. Man, these are bad pictures of me. It's a very thin line between Elizabeth Holmes and Dr. Phil yeah uh this is hey Dr. Phil uh wait hold on um Dr. Phil I have an idea for a blood machine now how how's that working for you wait I don't I don't I can't like get into it I'm not a good you're not a good Dr. Phil. Impressionist. Like switch in.

Yeah, that's hard. It's really hard to switch. Especially when the voices are very similar. Yeah. Like if it was Paris Hill and Elizabeth Holmes, you could do it. Yeah. Like that's like, oh my God, like blood is like so gross. Wait, hold on.

Paris Hill and Sally Me on whatever Elizabeth Holmes was selling. Wait, like that's, wait, it's more like, like, baby. Like, I just, like, don't like blood, like, pricking my finger. And it's just, like, not hot. And so I'm, like, trying to come up with a solution. And, like, Walgreens is, like, a really great place. She kind of, like, goes low sometimes. Honestly, it's selling me. i think it's so fun to like

go in there and like just go to this like machine that you just like bring your blood in and it like tells you like what's wrong with you and it's just like gonna be really hot and it's gonna be pink and she never oversells i'll tell you that that. I just want people to be like slipping. Slipping on the blood? Slipping. Yeah, I want them to be slipping on the blood. Gilderling? Blood. I was thinking, what was I just, oh, blood. If a guy with period sex, can we talk about that for one second?

Yes. Do you think? I don't think we're ever going to talk about something for just one second, but yes. Can we talk about this for three seconds? Yeah. For three segments. Period lasts how long? Several segments.

How long does a period last? Don't do this. You answer that question for me. A week. Five days. There you go. Three to five. Three to six.

On the heaviest blood flow days, I'm not trying to gross anyone out, but just, do you think, do you want to have sex on the heaviest flow sometimes because you just you get really horny because your hormones sometimes you want to plunge it out oh and you're already fucking wet it's true too why i'm just i'm i'm kind of well i had it yesterday and i i'm i'm in for it. I get in on it. I'm in on period sex.

I'm all for it. Just put down a towel. But sometimes the flow can be, like, it started to look like a Dexter scene, and then I'm just like, okay, you can't expect me to, like... Be into this when it looks, like, so bloody. Yeah, it's like... I mean, if I was more into it, it'd be kind of weird, I think. Yeah.

Don't look down. Or turn the lights off that's so funny because that was that was said to me and i immediately looked down and i was like dexter would be having a field day right now yeah it's like a you're on a shaky bridge don't look down just walk keep walking keep going yes that's exactly what it's like and then it was like well i always have it in the dark. Yeah. And then the aftermath,

you just go clean up and like, you can have your little moment of like, yikes. But after that, you already came and so you're okay. I don't want anyone to feel bad about this,

but it's just my tolerance. It's like if I was in a doctor's exam room. Do it in the dark. Next time. I know. What was during the day? During.

Blackout curtains. Yeah. And don't look down. But it's the dark. Next time. I know. What was during the day? During. Blackout curtains. Yeah. And don't look down. But it's so fun to look down. It's like going on a roller coaster and not looking down. I never look down. I never look down.

Wait, what do you mean? You never look down during sex? No. You don't want to see it ever enter? Like sometimes, but I rather like focus. focus no because then i just start looking at my body and i start going like oh i look like i get to women just think so much during sex at least i do i'm like there's too many things to distract me i really have to be

amy used to have a joke about like having an orgasm you have to like close your eyes and have like the kind of focus and like clear-mindedness of like a woman on a balance like a gymnast on a balance beam like you have to have such i have to like get out all everything sensory so that i can focus just on that area to like let it in because my mind is just so like so racing interesting that's why I like fantasies, that's why I like blindfolds or I like closing my eyes and I like, you know,

a role play scenario where I can, where it's required of me to get out of my own head and like be a character or, but it's, there is times during sex

where I really, I try to just focus on my vagina. My brain is down there. But not looking at it. Just being one with it. Sometimes I'm feeling all over my body. And so it gets like

if something's poking me here it doesn't feel as bad as if I'm just focusing on my knee right now when I tap it. It feels so much more than if i'm just like totally aware of everything i do that exact same thing i do look down i'll look down get like holy shit i can't believe this is happening because i'm so stoked on it because it's you're so high up just kidding looking down oh yeah but i i'm so stoked on it. And then I go back to just my brain.

But I do still need the taste of... Maybe try looking down. Who knows? I've looked down before. Oh. Yeah. I just don't... I do like it.

You didn't like what you see? I know the visuals. But right now with my body, I do not want to look down. I just can't. There's always a spray tan situation that's really grim. I just don't want to look down. And it's usually in the dark. I do a lot of dark stuff.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Anyhow, but yeah. I like looking at them. Mm-hmm. And yeah, it would be weird to look down as much. I don't know why. Maybe you could look up don't, it would be weird to look down as much. I don't know why.

Maybe you could look up, have a mirror on the roof to look down. No. Maybe that would help. No, I think too much. I'll start judging myself. It's like watching myself on TV. I just don't want to do it. I'm doing the Wendy Williams show today via Zoom with Michael Rappaport.

Fun. Yeah, it'll be fun. I love him so much. When will that name finally change? You know what I mean? Oh, because he like, is she gone? I mean, I think she's dead. No.

No, I think she was at the Met Gala. Oh, she was? One of the after parties. Well, she was dead there, I heard. That's what I heard. That was the theme. That was the gliding I saw in her body. Anyways, she actually had that freaking panic attack on TV. That was the theme. That was the gliding I saw in her body. Anyways, she actually had that freaking panic attack on TV that was wild.

She did? She says the weirdest things ever. You've never seen this? Ever. No. What? Dude, it's insane. It looks like she malfunctioned, like a robot malfunctioned.

She does that all the time, though. I felt so bad for her. Oh, I don't. Except now she's dead, but other than that. I mean mean not that i don't feel well i guess i did she says the weirdest thing i feel like sometimes she almost tries like she's broke out i think really a little bit okay fainted oh are you pulling it up to say that i didn't care oh or i didn't feel bad for her. I feel bad for her.

She's definitely mentally different. Yeah. Oh my God. She said my one thing, a clip I'll never forget, and she was like, my mom was died.

Like she, when she said that her mom died and it was just the weird, there was this like moment where she's just talking about something so dumb and then she was like,

and I wore the shirt because my mom this weekend was died oh man it was just so weird i feel like is it live no it's not live then so then why wouldn't they change that um because that's what her appeal i guess that is an appeal yeah i guess that's kind of my appeal now that i think about it i have that same exact appeal as wendy williams i said was died but it was so funny like if you like stroked out and then i just kept hosting the show under your name forever and i'm just like no this is every day the nikki glazer podcast with andrew yeah i don't even know did they even say rapaport's name when i think they say he's guest hosting. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Emile is writing on the show right now. I know. What did he say? Anything you want me to tell Rappaport

to ask about or bring up? So fun. Wish you were in studio. What do you guys think? The reality show. Promoting the show, obviously.

Well, that's what I'm promoting. Yeah. Maybe, hmm, you throwing out the first pitch could be an interesting conversation.

Oh, yeah, they're going to ask me about that, but I'm trying to think of what's funny about that, that I cried afterwards. Yeah, that you cried afterwards. Oh, you know something? We never talked about it. Everybody was looking for the video. There was no video of you throwing the first pitch.

How did that go? It was terrible. It was? It was like really, yeah, because everyone, because I was better. I could have done better. And then because I had pitched a lot before and it was like way better. And then I didn't get to warm up at all. Those are excuses, but it was just.

And then everyone couldn't even say good job afterwards. It was one of those things that's just like so awkward. I didn't lie. I'm still not lying. You just don't take it in from me. Yeah. Yeah. It wasn't that bad.

I'm telling you. And I know that sounds- No, it wasn't like terrible, but it just wasn't good. And it was like, and then one person wrote me and was like, oh, you could have been on this list.

And it was like the worst people, the worst pitches. And I blocked him. I just go, bye. No, no, you don't get to talk to me anymore. You haven't heard from that guy in like a year no he he writes me so often and and like he's just someone in st louis that i was like kind enough to be like oh i'll let you text me even though you don't really you should you shouldn't have my number and i was just being nice and then i just

go you lost your privileges no more text blocked like i don't i don't insult me i just can't stand it people that write me and just like think they just know you don't have a right to be able to reach out to me just so you can be an asshole especially on your personal number like that just like that feels a little yeah yeah it was just i am done saying yes to physical things. Done. No more. I'm not doing anything. I'm not going on Celebrity Ninja, whatever the fuck. I'm not throwing out first pitches. I mean, did I say this yesterday? People don't do first.

I looked for any other celebrity's first pitch. The only ones you know. No one does it. There's no Jerry Seinfeld first pitch. There's no Dave Chappelle first pitch. You know why? Because it's embarrassing if you Jerry Seinfeld first pitch. There's no Dave Chappelle first pitch. You know why? Because it's embarrassing if you don't do a good job. They've definitely been asked.

It's not like they haven't. I did it because I am brave and I am willing to look stupid. Comedians don't like looking stupid unless it's on their terms. And that is why it was so deeply uncomfortable for me. But that's why comedians don't do fucking anything vulnerable where they might look stupid and they're not in control none of them do it

none of them so i am not going to take any fucking uh flack for being bad at pitching or being bad at singing or whatever because none no comedians ever do anything outside of their comfort zone, ever, unless they are in control of being like, I look stupid. Then they can do it. But if it's out of your control, they never do it. Because I really thought about that. I'm like, I know Jerry Seinfeld is a, he's a Mets guy, right? Yeah, big Mets guy.

I'm sure he's probably thrown out of first pitch. He's been asked a million times. A million, never would he do it. Never. I know. Because he would look stupid and you know what he's right because it felt awful because every fucking guy who cares about sports is like that's their fucking jerk

off moment of like I wish I could do it and they secretly go god if I did it I would be so much better and then they look at you with pity and it just sucks and I'm never doing it again, even though I'm so grateful that I got to do it and got asked because it was very, it was an honor,

but it was humiliating. And I cried a lot afterwards, but I couldn't cry until hours and hours after, because I had to do so many other things in the stadium, like more press interviews. So I'm just like holding in these embarrassed tears of like, I hate this. I'm embarrassed.

I didn't want to do it in the first place. I said yes because I wanted to be nice. And like all of those, don't you hate when you need to cry and you can't for hours and hours? Like a baseball player that like, like this guy named Bill Buckner. I don't know if you know that story, but like he,

he, he was the first baseman for the Red Sox. Yeah. And he like really fucked up it was a routine ground ball that he ruined and he missed it and for his whole career he batted like 287 it's chris rockett his life was over yeah that's gonna be no in control in that moment it was totally not in his control and comedians like people that are good like it's like you'll be remember that forever i just love though that you're like you're on par with how much they probably cried from just one

pitch yeah i mean i just needed one cry i don't cry ever maybe you just needed a cry maybe for me being really embarrassed and having people be embarrassed on my behalf is it wasn't that i was embarrassed i don't care that i threw a bad pitch. Why would I throw a good one? That would be nonsensical if I did. It was the embarrassment on behalf of my family and friends and everyone just secretly going, I bet I could do better than her. Why did she get asked?

And feeling like, God, just because she's a comedian, man, just secretly thinking they deserve it and I'm like, I agree. I didn't want to do this. Sometimes you get asked to do things and if you turn them down, you see ungrateful and uncool and you just have to do it.

Here's the thing. Just like when I went out and threw t-shirts with the fucking slingshot with all the hot Cardinals girls and I couldn't work the slingshot and then I looked stupid again on top of looking stupid after the first pitch.

It was hell but I did have a really good time doing everything else. Doing a comedy bit, doing an interview, doing like... In your defense,

you went to 60 feet. Most people throw from fucking like 40 feet. No one told me that I could throw from 40 feet. Oh, really? I would have just

tossed two feet away if I could have. Oh, because from 40 feet you had a really? I would have just tossed two feet away if I could have. Because from 40 feet, you had a great pitch. It was to 60 feet. That's why it bounced and killed that Wendy Williams. Her mom was died. Okay, let's get to the news. I'm in a mood today.

You heard it here first. I'm in a mood today You heard it there first It's Tuesday folks You know what that means It is Tuesday We're having all the swells You know just

If you gotta cry You gotta cry It's alright Yeah it felt good I rarely cry You know what Also if you throw out a bad pitch Man I need to cry right now

So bad Really Oh god I am like You're due Here throw something at me that's not gonna make me cry wait wait wait being humiliated that's all critical you're too critical of yourself dick but you just confirmed it

because you secretly thought it too. No, I didn't. Maybe a little. Yeah, exactly. That was a shitty toss. But anyways, hope you're having all the swells. What's the news, Noah? All right, well, here's someone who is

probably crying. A video of a city worker in her underwear getting a massage in a conference room in front of employees prompts an investigation. Wait, why would she do this?

The video shows the health officer wearing only a bra and panties as a woman uses a massage device to treat the health officer's shoulders arms back legs and stomach for cellulite reduction and uh it was recorded in this in the city department of health and human services in the. So like in front of her employees? Yeah, she just hired someone, I guess, to do the treatment in a conference room and someone taped it and gave it to investigators or whatever. That woman just thought she was doing a medical procedure.

Yeah, I don't think she thought of it sexually. No, but she definitely was unclothed and just probably thought like she's definitely felt like she was the boss that day. Like the boss was out or something. To have that kind of... Part of me thinks though like she probably gets paid

to stay at the office. She can't take an hour off. There's more to it of like why would you stay at the office to do this? You know what I mean? Convenience or just like she probably wanted the money right from not leaving the office maybe well um i i don't know she she didn't comment um like in the article they did reach out for comment she didn't say anything but uh the investigators are looking into um if the employees were forced to sit there or if they raised an issue where they retaliated against. But this made me wonder if in all your experiences

working in all these different places, have you seen anything egregious happen in an office? That you could talk about. In an office? Yeah, like in a professional setting where you go no i mean i will say that in a comedian press professional setting all bets are off like there's tons of nudity there's like i'm doing quick changes and stuff like the other day matt walked in and i was um i uh my tour manager matt walked in when i was changing and the door was i

just i don't care about people seeing me nude but but that doesn't mean that I have to be more aware of other people feeling awkward. And I didn't mean for him to see me. I really didn't. But then I was just like, Matt, I looked so unsexual. And he was so embarrassed, so that felt bad to me. It wasn't cool, though, when you're like, I'm not going to pay you so that felt bad to me. It wasn't cool though when you're like, I'm not gonna pay you

if you say anything. Yeah. That wasn't cool. And if you don't, just like, give me a look like you're screenshotting this to jerk off to later.

Yeah, yeah, that was kind of weird. Promise me that you will. You know, I made a joke, this is a hamdra between me and Andrew, but I go,

I'm not worried about you seeing me naked because I have a spray tan and I know you like it milky. Oh, yeah. Someone likes it milky. Yeah. Milky skin.

Milky skin. By the way, if you're using milky to describe a woman that you like, stop. Like her skin is milky. Oh, God. We both just were like, oh. Because it was said in a way that he was sometimes people say things like like it's just gonna pass like that can't pass you can't just go she had milky skin i get it like i i felt triggered because as a woman who like covers up her white skin i was like god if i

had milky skin i wouldn't need to do this. But mine's like a translucent. Yeah, you kind of turn your milky skin into a Yoo-Hoo kind of thing. You got Yoo-Hoo skin. Tang. Yeah, I need more orange. Sunny D. Hey, Mom. Hey, Mom, you got any more Nikki Glaser skin? Cola.

Who's passing up cola for Sunny D? Cola? Wasn't that one thing that was in the refrigerator when the kids were looking for Sunny D? They're like, ugh, soda. Purple stuff. Oh, Sunny D. I remember Sunny D as a,

when you get a Star Crunch and a Sunny D. It was so like not orange juice. I was a big orange juice fan. We were good and big into the pulp, Tropicana. But Sunny D was just this watered down, ugh, it tasted like chemicals.

That aftertaste, I can taste it right now yuck I never want an orange juice in cold weather did you ever see anything inappropriate when you worked in offices probably just for me oh yeah oh what about the time that you were looking at your own body in my green room and you took off your shirt while we were you're supposed to be

on set in the control room that wasn't a good moment for anybody that wasn't but that But that was someone broke in to see me. No one broke in. We were going to set for the finale episode. And I and Perfect Strangers 2. So at this time, we're going to set. So I'm going to places.

My green room is in the house for we are, for Perfect Strangers 2, that we're shooting in. And so everyone, to go from my green room to where Andrew needed to be for the shoot, he would have to cross through the shot where I am being, like where I'm on camera.

So you need to cross that way before we start taping. Andrew is plans, because he was like working out and feeling himself. We go to set. This is the last episode. By the way, it's a very good mirror. It's the biggest.

Good mirror, great lighting. Yes. It's important. Because I'm having my makeup done. I know. That's important, though. No, it's not. To me, I'm telling you, it's important.

So we go to set. And this is the last episode. This is the last episode this is the biggest episode and Andrew what I find out later stays behind just like kind of like lingers behind to stay in the green room alone it's like I was stealing

money from you so he can take off his shirt and look at his body in the mirror I never got that mirror the whole year you get the mirror. Because I'm the star of the show. That's like being like, why don't I get to go on your computer? I'm the boss. That's not your job

to be on the computer. It doesn't make sense. But you got it the whole time. It's like, no it doesn't. Andrew took his shirt off. I wanted to see my body in the perfect mirror and lighting. Yes, so he took his shirt off. Andrew was a writer on the show, everyone.

But I was alone. I wasn't doing it in front of anyone. The guy at the PA comes back again. Andrew still had a job to do. In fact, he had a very important job to do, which is go to the control room where he is so he'd watch me do the my job and help me with notes so he stays behind not only does he get stuck down there because we start rolling so he can't he now can't go to the and now we have a a long shoot where he's not present in the but then he gets caught we would have never known about this by

the way because after the shoot, we're all saying goodbye to everyone. It's the last day. We're hanging out downstairs, and the PA, this PA comes up to me to say something, have me sign a document or something, and Andrew starts giggling nervously, and it's like, he saw me.

He's like, oh, God. You just start getting so nervous, and then you admit that this PA. Yeah, he came in. He came back downstairs to get my water bottle that I had left. And he walks into a green room that he thinks is empty. And he sees Andrew shirtless. Should be empty.

Not only, no, I'm shirtless. But I don't know why. I had a feeling I might get caught. So I was ready. So I had the I don't know why I had a feeling I might get caught so I was ready so I had the shirt actually just over I was like I wasn't cool about it at all

I'm a guy I could be shirtless you're a writer you are a writer no one would mistake you for talent on that show no offense we know who the talent is at that point. There's only like a couple people left on Perfect Strangers 2 at that point. No, no, no.

Perfect Strangers 2 only had a couple people left at that point. Everyone else had gone. We know who those players are. It wasn't you. It could have been. There would be no reason for you to be shirtless. Ragu. Oh, my God.

I have a question for Andrew. It was so funny. Oh, my God. I was so embarrassed I could have played it cool Any regrets Andrew? Would you do it all over again? I would have been in better shape

And had a better mirror That would have been cool I've never been caught doing something that Vain and like Out of place But here's the thing And I know I'm just kind of kidding never been caught doing something that vain and like out of place. Because, but you but here's the thing, and I know I'm just kind of kidding. I understand why you did it.

I'm kind of kidding about the idea of like you get to look in the mirror all the time. But like, I don't, I just was like feeling myself that day. You're at work. Yeah. You were a writer. That is, that's all, I get it. I get wanting to see yourself. You looked good. Like, I get all of that. You were at work and it was the last to see yourself you looked good like i get all that

you were at work and it was the last day and you had a very important job to do investigators in on this okay oh yeah the investigators out of this don't you think there was probably a team of people that like work for like like stockbrokers and they're called investigators and there's like an alligator as their symbol. No, but I like that. That could be Florida. I'll tell Rusty about that. Okay, that's a good idea. All right, let's take a quick break and come back with a Reddit top. Wait, did we do news?

Yeah, we did one story. What story did we even do? The massage person in the office. Oh, yeah. Which led to us learning. Boom, boom, boom. Hammering it. Oh, yeah.

We just get through it so fast now. We will be back with Why Do I Care? Pass the egg. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now.

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I really wanted to be a playboy model. Lingerie, topless. I said, yes, please. Because at the centre of this murky world is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his pattern of behaviour. He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it. He's everywhere and has been everywhere.

It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated. Together, we're going to expose him and the rotten industry he works in. It's not just me. We're an army in comparison to him. Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Some people won't give you the real talk on drugs, but it's time we know the facts. Fentanyl is often laced into illicit drugs and used to make fake versions of prescription pills. You can't see it, taste it, or smell it.

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Apple Podcast, and wherever you get your podcast. All right, we're back. Why do I care? That'd be funny to dress at the Met Gala as a fashion egg. Oh, a fashion egg?

Oh, yeah, that's a good idea. I think people dress as an egg there. Oh, fuck. Lady Gaga,, yeah, that's a good idea. I think people have dressed as an egg there. Oh, fuck. Didn't Lady Gaga get born from an egg at some award show? I thought that was

Will Ferrell's skit. So, why don't we just go to Reddit Dump because we kind of already talked about my Why Do I Care story. Is there anything about the Met Gala,

like any other story out of it? I just wanted to bring up Pete and Kim skipping the party and go into the hotel to have pizza and donuts but i didn't see it from like pizza and donuts no yeah they went on a binge and she is feeling like shit today okay but i didn't see it from that perspective i just thought like oh it's you know so nice having a boyfriend to like have to skip all those parties where everyone has to dress up and all that and just go there i'm happy for them and i think they're cute but like i just

that that kind of like diet that's why diets don't work at y'all there will the pendulum will always swing to the other side you will always let go like that's why moderation you can lose weight and be a comfortable weight if you just take it easy and don't do anything extreme because you will always binge on donuts and pizza with your boyfriend. And I bet today she's like, I'm gaining weight. And then she has to go on a treadmill for fucking five hours. It's just like it never fucking ends.

Reddit dump. Karaoke mode. This is your Reddit dump. Karaoke mode. This is your Reddit dump. Alright, let's get to Reddit dump. Dump it up, boy. Oh my god. I just pulled up my Reddit and it's like, I was Googling bunions last night. My feet were hurting and so I was like, just wanting to see bunions.

There's surgery for it. Do you think I don't know no i'm just letting you know now i would never get it because i don't want to heal my bunions i just want to like hurt them i'm such a weirdo i don't know what's wrong with me i have had a lot of people say that i can come um shadow them for wart stuff yeah so gross i know i'm such a i'll file that fucking bunion down um okay you can't file it i just want someone to rip my tooth off okay so this is from black people twitter which is just like there's no it's just people on twitter who happen to be black and it has nothing to do with being black really a lot of times someone said um this is from kwame addubiri underscore. It's a tweet.

I don't know how do people write consistently with the same handwriting. I have like two to three different handwritings depending on pens, mood, and situation. That's me. Me too. My signature is never the same. Oh, really?

That is consistent for me. Mine's all over the place. I practice mine so much. There's some that I'll write like Dave it's so bad I'm just my brain is just bad

like if I wrote down my I'll do it for the I'll write it five times for Instagram did you ever practice it like you were gonna be famous some day yeah that's the sad part

yeah like oh I was gonna sign a baseball one day that you threw do you have a favorite kind of pen yes what's your favorite pen oh I just bought it from Amazon you through. Do you have a favorite kind of pen? Yes. What's your favorite pen?

Oh, I just bought it from Amazon. Black felt tip. Oh, no, I got it from Target. I'll go get it. How's your signature, Noah? It just looks like chicken scratch, like my handwriting. There's only one kind of pen where I have clean handwriting. It's, I think think a ball yeah i guess whoever has a perfect penmanship on their own name practiced a lot for thinking they'd be

somebody i used to practice mine all the time when i get asked to sign like stacks of posters sometimes at clubs i'm always they always go so sorry and i go this is my dream yeah yeah yeah this is my dream the signature used this is my fucking dream the signature used to mean so much more back in the day like even just 10 years ago this is papermate flare felt tip these oh that's a good pen oh it's so good and i like writing i like journaling with these i do yeah in my journals though i write in a way that you can't really read it only i could read it maybe like some like know, handwriting and out. Because it's all giddy guy?

No, it's not. It's not. It's against that. But I also got, oh my God, corn removers. But I don't need to because I did surgery on my corn last night. In the middle of the night. Can I ask you a question? What?

Is your handwriting for when it's nice, it's just for someone else, but for yourself, you don't care? No, my handwriting actually looks nicer when it's for myself it's just for someone else, but for yourself, you don't care? No, my handwriting actually looks nicer when it's for myself. But you said no one can read it. Well, it's like a version of my nicest handwriting that I can't read. Like it's very like small and very low to the ground. Handwriting is so much more personal than obviously than type. Your penmanship is not great.

It looks like kind of juvenile. Well, I'm a lefty, so everything's at an angle. Oh, yeah. You know, they didn't build paper for us i love writing i love watching people write things though like that is a very soothing thing the sound of chalk the sound of a um i've talked about before a clipboard with like a freshly sharpened pencil on a clipboard with a thin piece of paper. Oh, God. That is nice. That is so good. But the worst is a dull pencil where the lead is almost scratching it. The lead and it's on it.

You know what else is the worst? The eraser is gone. And it's just a metal. And the metal is bent a little bit. No, we don't even want to go there. Oh, my Lord. Okay. Oh, my Lord.

This is from the subreddit to me in real life for me in real life. It says, it's a meme that says, my therapist. Excessive sleeping is a sign of depression. Me. Can't mistakey if not awakey. That's cute. It makes me laugh. Anything in a rhyme really makes it fun.

Then there was this tweet from thanks I hate It, T-I-H-I. This is just things that people are like, oh God, that makes me think about things in a different way. I hate it. This is a tweet from Melvin of York. It's funny how we say a bug hit my windshield when we are the ones going 70 miles per hour. I'll bet the Bugs family described it differently.

It's a nice little perspective there. I saw that on your Instagram. That was good. Oh, yeah, yeah. I posted that on there. Well, if it hit the side window, it's the Bugs' fault. Yeah. I'm just saying.

Have you ever held an animal or a deer? Yeah. Well, I was going to say, last spring, almost around this time of year in Tucson, it was my first time here and all these beautiful butterflies started appearing, these beautiful yellow butterflies

and I was driving on the road just like admiring. It was just like a cascade of them, a bunch. And then I realized that I was just plowing through them with my car and like this beautiful scenery

just became so morbid. Yes. I love hearing Noah say plowing through. It sounds so aggressive. I plowed through like nine butterflies. Also, it's such a light animal to plow through. It is hard to hurt an animal. You would think a cow or something.

Like a butterfly. Dude, I get scared that sometimes a deer will end up in my car you know what i mean breaking it happens all the time like especially out in the hamptons when not to brag you know my brother has a house like stabbing through and then like that's how people die like that oh yeah i know um you're supposed to not hit your brakes you're supposed to speed up. Isn't that crazy? I know. Do you know why? No.

Because when you hit your brakes, your car gets lower, so then it could get on the windshield easier and then end up in the windshield. Oh, my God. I used to be so scared of my parents hitting deers, like obsessed with it that I bought. I went to Restoration Hardware because they were selling, as a kid, they were selling these little horns

that you put on your car and when the wind blows through them, they make this sound that make deer go like, no. Like it's a place Fergie. Oh, I thought you meant like, I was envisioning you putting deer horns

like on your car. Oh, sorry. It was like a sound. Like when the wind whistles through this, like whistle on your car. Interesting. The deer go like, no, no, no. They don't like it.

And your neighbors fucking hate you. This is from Suspiciously Specific. This is when something is just like, wow, you seem to be saying something that is for everyone, but this is real. This one really made me laugh. Okay, so it's from a guy named

Chumpstring on Twitter. It's a conversation between named Chumpstring on Twitter. It's a conversation between a genie and a person. Genie, you have three wishes. This guy says, make firemen ugly. The genie says, you got it. Then he says, instead of sliding down a pole, make them climb out of a well.

The genie says, okay. Then he says, take the big ladder off their truck. And then the genie goes, dude, what's your problem yeah i feel like a fireman fucked his wife that's what it felt like that is funny okay um if you had three wishes from a final thought final thought three wishes from a genie go that everyone went vegan and that animals were not heard anymore. Was that two or three? For fun. Is that two?

Or is that one? That's one. For our pleasure. That's number one. Okay. That's two. Sorry. So not everyone would be good.

What's your problem with meat eaters? My number one wish is that no one would harm animals for pleasure, for any kind of pleasure. Okay. harm animals for pleasure for any kind of pleasure um number two would be that everyone was capable of empathy right away like you don't have to learn it you're born with Number three would be for the planet to be rid of plastic. Or the ability to make plastic. So nothing personal. No.

Now do three that have to be personal. Oh. I don't want anything. I'm not kidding you. For me to be the same size no matter, for me to have no issues with my body or food ever again. Okay, that's a good one. Like no thoughts of that.

Number two. Get to the Met Gala next year? Yes. And Wendy Williams is alive? To, oh God. To be able to have the time and energy to learn guitar and be really good at it. I wouldn't want to just be good at guitar because then it's like you didn't earn it.

I need to earn things. So like limitless, like everything's expedited, but you still have to do the work. Yes. No, no, no. It's just like I'm given the motivation because then that's not, it doesn't seem as like I just got it. I still have to put in the work. Yes. No, no, no. It's just like I'm given the motivation because then that's not, it doesn't seem as like I just got it. I still have to put in the work. Yes, no, but expedite.

Yes. So you could learn guitar, the same song. And for me to not lose my voice anymore. What about you? I have one for Nikki. Can I suggest a wish for you? Yes. So remember how earlier you were saying that you didn't

care about throwing the pitch poorly and you weren't embarrassed of it. You were upset because of the embarrassment that others felt because of that. I think the wish should be to let go of that because that comes up often

in a lot of our conversations. What people think of you so to clear that out i was thinking to do that noah but then i will not be then i would do nothing okay all day with my time you know like my it drives you i need some of that i i guess i would lose 20 of it maybe but it does keep me I just don't think I would do anything if I didn't care what people thought about me

but if that was gone do you think something else could motivate you know what I mean like would you replace it with something else I mean probably I'd probably be a happier person

but I don't know I can't imagine what that would look like right now so I don't want to sign up for it if that makes sense well it's just a wish what about oh maybe

being able to speak a different language would be cool that would be cool. That would be dope. I just think that because I wouldn't have so much pride of like, I learned this. I would just be like, oh, I can communicate with people. What about you?

Fly private. Forever, all the time. Yeah. Yes. Whether it's with my own arms or net jets or whatever. Okay, yes. That'd be pretty dope. I love the idea. Like, I want to be able to fly just in like private plane like yeah just a private like oh you could have to be rich no i

don't have to be rich i just want to fly because if you're flying yourself to gigs like you like are soaring through the air like you don't get like to lay down you don't get to like like be like in the lap of luxury you have to like bat your wings and stuff it's exhausting that would be so annoying to be superman and have like you never wear goggles yeah you don't get served ginger ale and uh little pretzels that's true is there turbulence when you're flying yourself is there turbulence when you're flying yourself what come again is there turbulence in that word? That word's shaky. Smaller nipples would be cool. You could easily do that with a surgery that probably would cost you $3,000.

But like your bunions, I think I love the pain that it gives to other people. Don't look down. He loves when people wince. Don't look down. He loves when people wince. Don't look down. If there's a way I can look down and see my penis without my nipples, God, that'd be great. Do you ever look down and see your nipples? Oh, you keep your shirt on during sex.

We know that. I'll take my shirt off if I'm standing up. But sometimes if I'm on top, it's weird. My body changes a lot depending on how... The hour. The hour and how it's, like, laying. Yes. It's like Play-Doh in that way. Like, Play-Doh could be really hard and then also droopy if it's pulled. Right.

Depending on what planet you're on in the gravity pull. But you know what I mean? Like, if you pull Play-Doh, Play-Doh's hard. And then you pull it and it starts to hang, you know what i mean like if you pull play-doh play-doh's hard and then you pull it and starts to starts to hang you know no melty play-doh play-doh's consistently i feel like if it gets if it gets real skinny oh okay so my stomach right can look kind of hard when i'm standing but then if i'm it can hang and then it just so anyhow if i'm on my side and brenna cuddles me and grabs my stomach i really it's it makes me sad because i i don't i don't feel like it's sexy for her like it feels

like grab onto your so maybe that's another thing you just wish she was just on my side yeah no what's one wish that you would make oh yeah that's a steve martin bit oh it is oh my god that's a classic bit so funny what he does all personal because i would want all children to join hands and sing in peace and harmony actually let's push that one now i really would like a 1972 you know like he started he, and then for all the children to join hands and sing in harmony. It's like Christmas wish. It was a Christmas special.

Noah. He came back in the news randomly and people were like attacking him because they said his stuff was like edgy. Like what? He's playing the banjo in it. Anyways, go ahead, Noah. All right. Real quick.

I think it would be to have a mirror like nikki had in the green room that andrew looked at hell yeah skip work to look at was that yeah there's some we had a skinny mirror to this this uh last weekend in one of the places we were i think it was madison oh and man i liked that mirror and then there was another me on the other side of the room that was like the truth. Dude, the first thing, if I became CEO of The Gap or anything, put skinny mirrors in your fucking...

Everywhere. It's so stupid. It's so easy. But then they'd be called out for it. It's almost like the Abercrombie sizing. Have you watched the new Abercrombie documentary? No, is it good? No, it's not.

I had to turn it off immediately. Don't watch it. All right, guys. That's it for us. We will be back tomorrow. Don't watch it. All right, guys. That's it for us. We will be back tomorrow. Don't be cut. And Jack McFarlane from Will and Grace. Jason from that movie.

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