The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #213 Mullet House

Episode Date: May 5, 2022

This episode is sponsored by UberEats, download and order on the UberEats app today! Everyone in the biz is surprised that Nikki really lives in St. Louis. While Andrew wore his new boots that he purchased at 3am Nikki is wearing a pair of Crocs she got as a gift from one of the hottest guys on TV. They think about celebrity crushes and longevity of attraction. You Heard It Here First, no one is getting enough sleep and the not cool things said by exes. They play Finish My UberEats Order and determine if they could really shop for one another at the grocery store or pharmacy. In the Final Thought, Nikki wants to understand why people sign up for workout classes.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. I'm Nikki. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast Here's Nikki Hello, here I am I'm Nikki, it's the Nikki Glaser Podcast Good Wednesday to you all I'm here with Andrew Collin in St. Louis Noah is in Arizona What's up Noah? Guys, people don't believe that I live in St. Louis It's been the funniest phenomenon of like doing press for this show.

Welcome back Nikki Glaser because the whole, all the press is about how I moved back to St. Louis. There's a reality show. And then afterwards these like, you know, people like the Kelly Clarkson's, the Dr. Phil's, the Caitlin Bristow's like, these aren't the people that actually said it, but like the, you know, the people interviewing me off air will go, so where do live now and i go st louis like like almost like were you not listening to the interview like did you do the jay leno thing jay leno notoriously had this moment

where he interviewed a celebrity and then saw them in the parking lot less than an hour later and they said goodbye and he didn't remember who they were or interviewing them because he's so just like in a different world when he's interviewing but that's not the case with these it's that everyone thinks reality shows are fake so they think that this was just last yesterday i did lady gang podcast and kelty from that was like i thought you were a genius when i saw this oh she just came up with this idea let you know girl moves back home which honestly is a great idea it's something celebrities would do to create a show and she was like and then i watched it and i was and then i looked into it i go she's actually like at home like there's actually footage

of her with her parents like currently like did she pull a kylie jenner and like like back up this footage so that she could have it for when she went away to do other stuff. No, but it's just so funny. It keeps happening where people, after an interview, will go, where are you living now? And I just am like- It's crazy you had your parents buy that house, build it years ago for today. Somebody wrote me and goes, why don't you buy your parents a better house? And I go, because that house is dope.

Also, the house is two stories from the back bitch what do you mean oh from the back oh yeah it's a ranch style on the front but on the back it has it looks like a mullet of a house yeah it's like built into a hill it is a mullet house i love that house it's the best it's the perfect house to me like if i would actually own a house it's so fucking comfortable it's like a couch The house is a nice couch. I don't know if that's what my mom would want to hear, but I do love that house. And it has cool design in it. They've spent a lot of time making it look cool.

It was just like, heh. Yeah, why don't you get her one of those fucking houses in Vegas that are made out of ceramic? Yeah. That would be the one. And with a waterfall pool. And I'm not that rich. Well, get richer. Stop living in St. Louis.

To buy my mom a house rich. I mean, I guess I am, but then it would, I'm saving up for when they get cancer. Yeah. That's like nine houses. I would rather spend my money on that. Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't rather, but it going to happen. People in my life going to get sick, and gonna happen like people in my life gonna get sick and

i want them to feel okay when they get sick that they don't have to stress out i've said this before when you get sick the bills that you have that you accrue when you're treating the illness give you so much stress that your cancer whatever it is gets worse and if you were to get cancer and like know that it was all taken care of like you know living in sweden or somewhere where they take care of that stuff we would have less illness because people stress causes illness but the stress over paying medical bills it's just also fucked our country's so fucked buy a house for your mom like late cancer so then you get you get the house you know you can she'll even have to move into the master just you know what i mean wait oh buy my mom cancer that's when

i could buy i can't afford cancer you buy your parents a house when they're on the way i did buy the cancer i buy them you know pizza from emos all the time yeah people that like i'm just anyone giving me any kind of shit about anything. I like you literally ingest animals who are suffering, whose whole lives are stress, who are like eating shit, living in shit because you, you, you know,

if you, if you eat a ballpark hot dog, sorry, you're eating cancer. That is like something that will cause something in your body later on. I don't eat that shit. I don't think I'm better than you because I don't, but you don't get to lecture me about the air i'm breathing or the chemicals i'm using in my makeup that's just on my skin you're actually swallowing and letting it

in you i'm just letting it like hang out with me it's like cancer's date raping me but you're getting like attacked and shoved into a bush not that there's any difference between those god i'm gonna get you know what i mean like i just love i'm hanging out with cancer waiting shoved into a bush. Not that there's any difference between those. God, I'm going to get... Do you know what I mean? I'm hanging out with cancer. I just keep waiting to see where this goes. It's so fun for me. I'm just casually dating cancer,

and you're letting it fuck you. You're letting it in you. Yes. So no, no, no. You no, no, get lecture me. But maybe a vegetarian told you to buy your mom's a house. Vegetarians still are eating processed cheese. Or vegans, for that matter, I guess.

Well, I'm not saying there's nothing. Look. I just don't. Listen, I lecture people all the time. I doth protest too much, Nikki Glaser. I'm wearing Crocs right now. I got Crocs. I am obsessed with Crocs, but they look so bad.

And I have boots on. Did you just get those? Yeah. Taylor Stitch? Yeah, they hooked it up. Nice. I love them, but I guess they're not the most vegan-friendly shoes. Oh, I don't care.

Are they comfortable? I got to get used to them. I think there's a, it's like, I'm sure Ronald McDonald didn't love his shoes the first day he put them on, but they're a moneymaker. That's what I'm saying. What inspired you to go to boots? You know what? Mark Maron. Have you been seeing his feet a lot? No.

When have you seen Mark Maron's feet? Oh, his feet. Oh, I guess propped up on that stool. His feet? His feet on his feet. I just know that he rocks really cool boots, and he has cool – he's a cool guy. Yes, he is a very cool guy. And he tries very hard to be cool.

Yes. Like older and cool. He always has – he has a look. I think he has good taste, so he probably doesn't need to try. But there are some people that just have good taste, so it looks like they try. But he stumbled into that taste. Like if you look – there's a – I actually sent them the picture on twitter yeah he has at the comic strip in the upper east side he's wearing like a comically i maybe it's for effect but he just

looks like the nerdiest like you sent him to him on twitter yeah does he know you no this was years ago this is like when you would t TJ Miller incident? Yeah, yeah. TJ Millard him. And he came across and stopped. He also is a man that, a Jewish man, probably of Eastern European descent, who looks way better with facial hair than no facial hair. If you look at photos of him, no facial hair, at least I see it. And I see that in myself so i'm like well might as well copy his look yeah that makes sense like i i often do the same thing with

um you know women who look like me i like i'm like oh that is a good like it's easier to picture myself and what they're wearing yeah so it's easier to rip off what their fashion i just know that i'm not i i would love to be a guy that wears these loud colors and is kind of... I know you're all over the place because you were like, do I wear loud colors? And now today you're like Marc Maron, very subdued. You look like what Anthony Bourdain was buried in today. Yes. You are a...

A habitual changer there's a word that comes to mind when i think of you you are impulsive yeah not compulsive impulsive yes do you know the difference i bought shoes last night at three in the morning i bought another pair of boots because now i'm a boot guy and at three in the guaranteed these boots I'll wear them twice why do you need another pair huh because I don't like how these are light

on the bottom I wanted one that are dark on the bottom that makes sense I just bought some new I love my Adidas high tops that I got

I stole that idea from Jen my assistant who just they're so cool I don't understand why everyone doesn't wear them

and I don't understand why I'm not getting compliments constantly because they're the coolest looking shoes. They look good with skirts. You'd get more compliments on Crocs than those. I don't know why but you would. I know because these are peacocking. These are what guys wear to get girls to be like what are you wearing? And then you

go I like them and then you're confident and we want to fuck you because it tricks us. Are those tie dye Crocs? Yes and I got them from Alex Bordy. I think these are both. I know. No, I knew no one would perk up. Alex Bordy Yoko.

I forget his whole last name because it's so Russian, but he is one of the most beautiful men to ever be made. It's crazy. He came to our show in Fort Laududerdale yes is that right yeah and he has good fashion and he's like out there he's want someone that wears like bright colors and like will he'll do he'll run the gamut but he's like very um yeah he's so hot he would wear a male romper yes yes he would and he pulled off because he's just he's a model you know he's like that beautiful if you don't know he's a guy that was on um bachelorette i forget

which season maybe caitlin's i don't know and i got to know him through the uh outside lands festival in san francisco i was there with arden mirren who does a podcast about the bachelor and she booked she was doing a podcast at this comedy festival that i was performing at and she asked me to be a guest on it and then these guys all these bachelor guys showed up to be on her podcast so we were just like hanging with all these bachelor guys and he was just so nice and normal but then he and he's come to my shows over the years and um he brought me this time he was like i want to bring you something yeah we didn't know what it was going to be that will um that you don't have on your rider but that you need and i was just like i didn't know he was like what what do you need and i'm like i don't know what's florida like one of those shirts with like a bikini painted on

it i was just trying to think of something and he was like i'll think of something and then and i was like oh my god he's to bring me something like heavy. Like I don't, I pack my bags for the road and each one of my bags is always 49.5 pounds. I'm an expert at having no room in my suitcase for literally anything else or I'm going to be charged. So when people bring me gifts, I'm always like, please be light. Yes. And he brought me crocs which are the

lightest gift you can give here's a great gift and i had this whole bit about crocs that night that i he doesn't know about so it was just like so serendipitous he looked up my shoe size on wiki feet got it right and i have never been i always thought crocs your feet would be sweaty not that you live in St. Louis. Yeah. We have the same size foot, me and Nikki. I always. Interchangeable. Yes, kind of.

Yours is a little bit bigger, but these Crocs. I thought Crocs would be like sweaty because they're like rubber. I just am like, why would you want like your wet, sweaty feet in this like rubbery? But there's something about it that they air your feet out. There's no like sweat buildup. You know what I think of Crocs? You can wear them in the snow. Not snow, but you can wear them in the rain. They dry out quickly.

They give you a little bit of height because they have about an inch, I would say an inch or about half an inch of height. They feel light. They look horrible. And they have little holes in them so you can like put in little medallions the funny part is noah he got me little um i forget what they're called the little jewels that you put in the crock holes oh but he got those with it yeah and one he got me ng for each one one n and one g and he said when he was at the Crocs store, the little medallions were like turned over.

So the cashier had to turn each of them over to like reveal what it was. And he was like, okay, an N, a G, a G. And it was the other one, which was an N. And he was like, what is this going to be? Like, what are you spelling? That Wheel of Fortune on South Park. Yeah. Oh, I never saw that.

You never saw that one? Where it's nagger? Instead. Yes. So they didn't know what they were spelling. So it could have been really bad. On the Reddit wart sub the other day, someone was talking about like,

my ward is so pussy. And it just looks like it's pussy. Pussy, yes. My ward is, it was like, look at this. My ward is my pussy. Yeah. My ward is so pussy and it just looks like it's pussy pussy my word is it was like look at this my word is my pussy yeah my word is so pussy if you say my pussy is pussy it would bleep the first part because pussy is okay to say what about my pussy pussy do they know which one is to get rid of yeah because the one it sounds pussy huh what if i just write it down if you just write pussy pussy.

Oh, yeah, people don't know. You don't know. Which one to blur or which one to put those little stars and dots on. You know what a croc reminds me of? If you were wearing a duck's mouth. That's what I would feel like. It would feel on my feet. That's so weird you say that because they remind me of those duck boats.

Duck boat shoes? Where people die on them in the Ozarks, you know? Oh, what's that? my feet that's so weird you say that because they remind me of those duck boats a duck boat where people die on them in the ozarks you know oh there's been like horrible accidents on those duck boats the ones that go like on land and water oh yeah there was like a really bad storm in the i think it was in the ozarks and all these people fucking drowned because they all are like people who can't fucking swim and it was like it was terrible but yeah they remind me of those duck boats because they're water and land shoes. Yeah, they kind of look like a duck's mouth, I guess. I had a duck hat back in the day.

Donald Duck hat. They're garning shoes. Really? From Mickey Mouse and the bill was a bill. Oh, that's cool. A bill bill. Pussy pussy. Oh my God, I used to love those Converse shoes

that had Looney Tunes characters on them. For a while, that was like very, very in. Yeah, it was a great gift. my name does so when i sometimes it'll like i log into a website or something and it'll be like reminding me what my login name is or something and it'll it stars it out yeah so it literally says n i star star star star star star star e r yeah so it's just n because my first the first N-I-star-star-star-star-star-star-star-E-R. So it's just N because the first part of my name is N-I-G-L-A-Z-E-R. Yes. It truly does.

It looks like I've written something so terrible. I'll tell you what, though. If you don't want anyone to spam you, go with that. You know what I mean? No one would expect you to go that route. Because your name. Oh, wait. I don't want to give away your email my sister used to my sister used to um uh scream my name like she couldn't you know when kids say names it doesn't sound like like last night um poppy got a baby

doll for her birthday and she was i go what's this baby doll's name and she was like alma and i was like alma like that sounds like we joked that that was like a name that my sister would name one of her kids we were like god does poppy name your children because my sister's you know named her kids poppy arlo and forest yeah and we were like alma like that's kind of like alma like female obviously but she was saying ella but we just you know it just sounded different because the kid was saying it so my sister when we would she'd be screaming my name it sounded like she was saying ella but we just you know it just sounded different because the kid was saying it so my sister when we would she'd be screaming my name it sounded like she was saying yeah the the n-word and my mom would have to be like you need to enunciate the k um because she would just make the k as g's because it's a softer way for the child to say.

And how long did this last? Until recently? Yeah. Until yesterday? Yeah. This was a conversation my mom had last night with her and said, Lauren, we need to work on the Ks. Look, if she wants to teach in this town, she's got to start telling your name. Well, it doesn't help that my name has three Ks, too.

So I can't escape. I mean, you were born to be racist. I was born to be. There was a subreddit yesterday about which celebrity name sounds like a porn star. And I was just combing it for my name because my name is...

Well, Nikki is definitely... And Glazer? Nikki anything. Yes. Glaze her? But that's almost too smart. No, but I mean... You know what I mean, though? Like Nikki Rocks or Nikki... Yeah,. Glaze her. But that's almost too smart. No, but I mean like.

You know what I mean though? Like Nikki, Nikki rocks or Nikki. Yeah, it needs to be. It did there. Nikki Cox. Yes. Nikki, something more. Yours is a little bit highbrow. Yes.

But I was looking for my name. God, I always look for my name on these like, like which celebrity is your celebrity crush or something? Like I'm, you know, I'll admit I'll look for my name sometimes because people on Reddit are a little bit more savvy when they know like celebrities that are a little bit more B, C list and they think they're cool because of it, you know? And I swear to God, the names, everyone loves the same women and it's so nauseating.

Who are your top five? Ana de Armas. Okay. Fuck, what are, uh there there's jayla like it's all the most basic stuff and it's like natalie portman what would it be like to be one of these women that everyone wants to fuck that everyone has this crush on i don't think they take that in i think i think you can only take in 50 guys wanting to fuck you before it's just like, okay, I get it. More than that. But you know what I mean, though?

Yes. How many guys need to fuck you or need to want to fuck you? For me, everyone would be nice. Every single one. Truly. Linda Cardellini. A lot of people like her. Who's that?

She was on Kate Beckinsale. She was on Jennifer Connelly. That's always one emma stone rachel mcadams this is nice they're all older actresses at this point uh yeah these are the top ones oh allison brie always is like all these women kind of oh anna de armas here she is they're all dark hair with light eyes yeah with light eyes yeah that's it the guys are just captivated um matt margot robbie and henry cavill is the one every woman says i don't you don't feel he actually looks like alex co whatever that dude's name he's just not my number

one who's your number let's Let's go through. Okay. Well, that's a left turn. 100%. Obama. And Taylor Swift. What about actors? That's a good question. Maybe we'll answer it when we get back from the break. Andrew!

I'm over here now coming from the kitchen over to the living room. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines.

Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I don't know. We're back. It's hard now. I don't know who my celebrity crush is. There's no A-listers anymore. There's like very few.

The Met Gala. Oh, yeah. We saw who was. Oh, Jacob Ellardy. Oh, mama. He's like 6'6", too. He's a tall man for an actor. He is gorgeous.

He's a good-looking man. He looks kind of weird to me, though. In what way? He's very structured. Like almost too structured. I love a structure. You's a good looking man. He looks kind of weird to me though. In what way? He's very structured. Like almost too structured. If I was a girl. I love a structure. You love a structure?

Yes. He's too handsome. I don't. Oh my goodness. He's very elongated, isn't he? Yeah, yeah. He looks like he has like, he's almost like a mascot for a good looking man. And he looks like a teenager.

He looks like an older man teenager. Yeah. He does seem like his face is like this much of... His mouth, eyes, and nose are in the center. And the structure is around... I mean, I know that doesn't make sense. No, it does. I get what you're saying.

This is what I'm talking about. It's almost like there's a gravitational pull for his eyes, his nose and his mouth to go to the center. Like there's a black hole, like that's being sucked into the drain of his face, but he's still, I just love him. I think he's so, every time I see a picture of him,

I go, who is that? And it's always Jacob Ellardy. He has BDE. He does. Really? I mean, to me as a man looking at another man,

judging how big his dick is i think he's a tall guy he's tall and skinny he seems to have elongated everything why wouldn't his dick be elongated there's a video of him staring at lizzo um at the met gala or something like that i don't know it was on like the iheart instagram and he's giving her these eyes, and they're so tantalizing, and it definitely has the BDE, as Andrew said. Yeah, see? BDE eyes.

Big dick eyes. Wait, who's yours? Noah and Andrew, celebrity crush. Guy or girl? I think I think about guys more. I know, I think about girls more, too. Like Olivia Wilde, I think, is just insanely hot.

I saw her one time at Chelsea Market. I i've seen her once too on the street you just go whoa whoa whoa whoa that's a person that's like not a human i just look at her miller i love her see a lot of these girls i think guys say that they like them the most because they're not model tens they're they are they're tens i guess you would say but they're because they think in model tens. They are tens, I guess you would say. But they're... Because they think they can fuck them. Yes, they think they can fuck them. What is that? I said this on Lady Gang yesterday.

I was like, you lose followers as a woman. I have 69% male followers on Instagram. And if I post a picture with a guy that might be like he's my boyfriend, I lose followers. And because these guys think i have less of a chance of fucking her even though there was never a chance and i'm not a girl who puts out bikini photos so it's like i'm not leading with like you could maybe fuck me someday

but maybe i am because i'm more like approachable or something but it's just wild to me yeah um no what about you who's um very easy uh tom hardy oh tom hardy and idris elba those are like the two yes or i like idris elba he and he got his start late i like a nice late start of a hot man because you're starting late yeah i'm starting i got boots now so in idris yeah i mean you did start late you didn't do stand-up comedy until you're starting late yeah i'm sorry i got boots now so you need dress yeah i mean you did certainly you didn't do stand-up comedy till you're 30 that's a late start yeah but you're making it you're making it look good i and i had this hair thing at one point in my 20s where it was just this part you know the guys that just have just the chin hair um just right here i don't know what that's called like i don't know the difference between a goatee well chin strap is all the way connected i don't know what they call whatever this little

patch was that was a phase okay so i'm looking up hottest male celebrities like on google that's what i'm just like what's the height of the average hottest i wonder what do you think it's probably well no but a lot of actors are shorties that's what i'm saying um wait who are can you say yeah i honestly like dude i don't even think about it uh margot robbie is very hot either so you just gotta come on no no margot robbie yeah very very hot very talented sexy she i just watched tanya for the first time unbelievable that movie it's good noah i think you would like it it's like on i think it's on hulu but it's she's so good in it i feel so bad for tanya harding i started following her on instagram just to like support this poor woman that like skating is just such an elitist like

white sport that's just for rich kids it just grosses me out and that poor girl like just really struggled she had such an abusive mom, abusive boyfriend. If you don't know, Nancy Kerrigan got whacked by her, was a setup by her boyfriend and his friend. And she didn't know that it was going to be that. They were going to send Nancy Kerrigan a death threat because Tanya had gotten a death threat and her boyfriend saw how much it threw Tanya on the ice to get a death threat just from some rando,

the kind like I have gotten in my life, that throw you. So they were just going to do a death threat. And then all of a sudden, one of these goons takes it upon himself to go, no, we're going to hit her with a crowbar in the knee. It's like, and Tanya didn't even know it was related to them or anything. I mean, it was one of the dumbest criminal moves ever.

Ryan Reynolds. I've seen him millions of times. Ryan Reynolds, Blake Lively, gorgeous. I worked out next to both of them. Yeah, you did? When I was a dog walker, I got access to the gym. Were they just smiling at each other and laughing the whole time? Their relationship seemed so healthy. They had a trainer.

On the red carpet. They seemed very professional in whatever they do. Everything seems orchestrated. I just saw a picture of... But nice. But also, they're the most famous couple ever. Yeah. Of course.

And they saw me dog walking like gazing at each other whispering in each other's ear it's like it's all performative y'all like they're don't compare your relationship to them you would be doing the same thing if you had publicists saying like you guys need to look like a healthy marriage i'm not saying they don't have a healthy marriage it's all fake though well and they're looking at me weird because they probably see me as the dog walker who's in the million billion dollar why is he using access to the gym well you're practicing walking yeah it was on the treadmill with the dogs yeah doing squats to pick up dog shit yeah you gotta practice your style eventually they took the card back from me

uh the owners yeah they were like, no, have carte blanche. And then they're like, I think Ryan Reynolds hates you. Yeah, he's gorgeous. But I just saw this picture. Jake Gyllenhaal, gorgeous man in person. Yeah, oh, yeah. I just read too much about him. Not the nice things.

Not Taylor Swift things, but other stuff that I'm just like, Almost walked his dog. Really? I had the interview with his assistant. Yeah, it was like an hour-long interview. And they told me that his dog like three-hour walks. Yeah, where were they? Yeah, what were they like?

What did they ask you? It was in a secret room about 40 feet underground. No. In one of the subway tunnels? Yeah, the dog was there wearing glasses going, what do you see in my shit? So the dog chooses you? Yeah, the dog. No, no.

So the dog there. I met with the assistant who was very professional about this. Like, you know, I get it. Like, you can't have random dudes in Jake Gyllenhaal's house. And she probably saw that I probably smell his underwear or something. That you're a comedian and like, oh, you might talk about this or something which i'm doing yeah so they told me the one thing that was the funniest part of the interview is she said that uh jake's dog likes to um walk around soho and loves to shop for three hours and i go i don't i don't know if this is you know i i've

never gone in prada I'm not gonna go in Prada for a dog It's probably because they have treats waiting for that dog because they know that its owner is has a lot of money to spend and is a celebrity

so they're like we love this dog and then the dog learns to love going in shops and it was one of those dogs it was a German Shepherd where they're like also

he might bite you if you don't take him to Blueberry Blueberry whatever what's that one Bulberry Burberry like also he might bite you if you don't yeah it'll be your fault blueberry blueberry whatever what's the one bulberry blueberry blueberry blueberry i mean the dog seemed cool it would have been a cool thing for a week and then i would be like over it oh it would suck i guarantee it would suck also i would never meet him like in your mind you're like oh he's gonna take me in

we're gonna have fucking he's gonna see how talented i am and he's gonna be like you would be great in my new movie i'm like stop jay i can't i'm just your dog walker honestly though that's what happened with you walking my dogs pretty much pretty much you got spot you got like you know discovered yeah i got discovered like a ma like a young model in a mall by walking a dog with no legs. Yes, I was going to say. That was good karma though for me, walking that dog with wheels. Yeah.

I think that's why. Well, it's not like you were doing it out of the goodness of your heart. You were getting paid. No, that was a freebie. No, it wasn't. Have you ever volunteered? Never. I was going to say.

Just to pick up your bags. Yes. 49.5. That weighs on a man. It does. Andrew. Wait, what were you saying? Sorry.

I saw this paparazzi photo of Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel. You keep saying actors that lived in this building. It's so weird. I know. It is weird. But everyone lived in that building. All the most famous. The Weeknd your boys louis hamilton yeah he lives in there oh nice anyways sorry and so they there was this pop-up very grainy it's of them and like a vacation and they're

like gazing at each other and like he has his arms around her and they do not know they're being photographed and they're like kissing and i just like i don't know what it is i just don't think people who are married like have that kind of love for each other i just i just am shocked to see it when i'm like these two look like they just met like i just think that that goes away i wonder there's maybe because they're on vacation like his hands are on her butt maybe he's a little drunk like i just think that that goes away i wonder there's maybe because they're on vacation like his hands are on her butt maybe he's a little drunk like i just feel like that kind of affection how long ago is this like recently yeah and i'm like they've been married so long they have kids together like i just just call me jaded call me like i'm i'm sure i'm gonna get like a lot of jaded i just feel like when you get married to

someone and after you've been with them a long time it takes like a setting like that and an alcohol to make you like lovey-dovey where were they hawaii or something you know what makes you think they didn't think a paparazzi was there because the photo is so grainy it's like barely you can barely make them out and they might have been doing it for the people around them or they actually i just realized looking at the photo like what's wrong with me that i think like i'm shocked to see a couple that's been together over 10 years in hawaii looking happy together yeah it's sad or just like i'm not saying you're sad like being warmed up for each other almost like they it's a photo that you'd go oh he's cheating on her with this girl whoever this is because his hands are all over her it's just the kind of stuff

that you only see in the beginning of a relationship is that me i'm not wrong though i feel like that doesn't that's how do you know that there are couples that are all over each other but it's rare and it always has to be like a vacation that brings it out of you alcohol an anniversary both of you being extremely horny. Like it's not normal to just gain. Display affection for each other. My dad tries to get it and my mom goes, get off of me EJ.

Come on. Stop. So you grew up with that. My mom does not like pawing. Or any kissing. No making out. She will not make out with my dad. I told my mom straight up. I can't remember my mom kissing my dad. I told my mom straight up. I can't remember my mom kissing my dad.

One time. Your parents got divorced in like. 13. I mean, that's 13 years of not kissing. Well, my parents barely. My mom's always just like, oh, God. Can I be honest? I saw my dad kiss my stepmom.

I'm good. I'm glad he never kissed my mom. Yeah. It is wet. Like tongue. My dad has a very wet mouth. Wait, you saw your dad tongue kiss yourself gross where were they drunk maybe when i was getting my license i forget exactly where

they're celebrating yeah they were at the dmv behind the counter oh my god yeah yeah it was hard like a hard kiss it's a lot and then yeah it's a lot to see i told my mom recently yeah i talked to my dad and he was like or like like my mom was like, I think it was on some show I did or something. I forget why I was asking my mom this, but I was like, oh, it was when we were doing interviews for the reality show. And I was like, do you and dad ever make out? And she was just like, no.

Ew. God. God. No. Your dad always wants to. I don't like tongue kissings. Gross. No. And I go, but does he want to? And she, God, no. Your dad always wants to. I don't like tongue kissing. It's gross. No.

And I go, but does he want to? And she's like, yes. And I go, sometimes you gotta do what the other person wants. And I talked to her later, and I said, Mom, honestly, if you don't tongue kiss Dad, I would not blame him

for going to find someone else to tongue kiss because that is something that is important. And I even told my dad later on, I was like, I told mom that if you don't start tongue kissing dad and just kissing him, being affectionate. You should get 10% of that tongue, I'll tell you.

Being that agent over there. I like that you're barred. It made me so sad that my dad wants to have affection with my mom and she's like, oh, that's gross. It's like, I don't give oral sex to people because i like it as much as it's because i like it because it gives pleasure to someone else like what's wrong with my mom that she can't get pleasure out of giving something to someone that would mean would make them happy it probably goes right to her parents i'm sure parents, she's never seen once fucking.

The older generation didn't make out hard in public or PDA. I mean, I don't make out ever. Yeah. Do you ever just make out with Brenna and it doesn't lead to sex? You just make out and that's it. All you do. Yeah. Really? Uh-huh.

I mean, we're very like. I worked out with her yesterday. She was wearing. I like grabbed her. I don't know. I just wanted to grab her butt. I don't know. I'm just really into her.

Yes. So yeah, I could see. So you just make out for an hour or 15 minutes, and it does not lead to sex? Yeah, we did that. We don't do it a ton, but it's happened. What's the circumstance where that would go down? We're just in bed, and we're both lazy enough to not want to have sex

but not lazy enough to want to be close to each other. And you just make out like just kissing. Yeah, like high schoolers. Oh my God, I've never done that.

I have never once made out without it leading to sex. Noah? Well, it depends on the relationship but my current one, it always leads to sex. But I do love making out

for just making out purposes. Sometimes I get the giggles when we make out. And I know that's not sexy to get the giggles. But making out is funny to me sometimes. Whatever she's doing with her tongue, if she goes too hard, it's funny. It's a funny thing. Our tongues are ridiculous. I just think it's so weird that people are like, oh my God, don't drink out of my drink.

And then they're like- Or the toothbrush thing. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, I think people are such hypocrites when it comes to germs and they'll suck each other's face and lick on each other's tongues. But they're like, oh my God, please don't eat off my plate. Oh gross, you touched it.

Yeah. I think that's there are times i will say there are times almost every single time we do the thing of i've done thing of no we just want to like we're nothing's happening we're just like cuddling like we're both too tired it's never once stopped there never once and sometimes i go you're too tired. I'm not letting you do this because I know that you are about to get into a hard cardio workout whereas I do nothing. It's easy for me.

I don't do anything. I never do anything. I mean, I do stop. Let's be honest with ourselves. Everyone is satisfied. I'm sometimes like, no, you're too tired. You need a break. When's the last time you got on top?

Are we talking 10 years? The way you're looking, I don't even know. Stop. I'm not lying. Years. I just don't do it. You got to get up there, Nick. No, I don't want to.

It's just, there's no, I sort of got it. What about reverse cowgirl? No, if I needed to, I would. You're your mom. But it doesn't, no one needs. You won't give him tongue. You won't get on top. He doesn't want that.

And I'm not speaking for him, but I'm just saying, I can sense what we are. What if he wanted you to get on top? Of course I would. Oh, okay. Yeah. I'm just, it's not required of me. When I am having sex, I like to be submissive.

Yes. And a girl on top being in control riding someone, I want to be the horse. I'm not the cowgirl. What if you're just up there and he... You can still... No, you're in control. It's a dominance thing. Anyone who's elevated over

someone is usually the dominant maybe you need to tie your hands like this on top but now what am i when am i going to use to yeah you're just submissive but while being on i bet there's ways to be submissive while above someone i've been i i'm on top in terms of like sometimes other things happen and i'm yeah i am I'm an active participant in doing things. But if there's generally I would never just – I don't like riding someone. I just don't like it. It doesn't feel good to me. I get that.

And it just like it causes too much pressure. In order for me to not just like sit and just like squish where like to go up and down, you need to do so much leg work. It's really exhausting. I don't like it. I don't like it. I don't like it. I like that you're just like, that's not for me. No. I respect it.

I know for a fact that the person I engage in this with is not yearning for something else. We're both very satisfied with everything. I think that's like. There's nothing that we are missing out on or not doing because I'm lazy or something. It has nothing to do with that. It's born of the fact that like the dynamic of, you know. When you know your partner, you know what gets them off.

Yeah. That you go to your strong suit. Yes. There's no need to, whatever. I'm sure in a different relationship I would explore other things, but for what we both like, like it's just our, it's us. Yeah, it works. All right.

Let's go to the news. You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Ah, you heard it here first. Apparently you're having all the swells out there. That's fantastic. It's Wednesday. You know what that means?

It is Wednesday. It's hump day, folks. Get out there and hump. All right, to you, Noah. Take it away, Dan. All right, well, this weekend you're going to be at the Kirby Center for Performing Arts in Wilkes Bar, Pennsylvania on Friday. Saturday, you'll be at the Keswick Theater in Glenside, Pennsylvania. And on Sunday, you'll be at the Wellmont Theater in Montclair, New Jersey.

Sunday show. Yes. All close to each other. Weekend long. Yeah. My life never stops. Why would it? You know?

It's so funny. The woman I'm writing a book with or who's helping me write a book is like, hey, checking in. Do you want to write this book again? And I'm like, yes. You know, my press is dying down. I can start it again. And I go, why don't I ever get a week where there's nothing?

Why does a week where I have nothing finally have to get filled in by something like. It doesn't. No, it does. But why? Because there's always something in line waiting on the queue. And it has to like get filled in because I've put it off so long. People don't even, there's no even, no one is looking out for me except me. And I have to remember that, that I have to make time for myself because otherwise time will get taken from me. Because no one's going to be like, hey, I think I'm just going to let you have this break.

The only way to learn that is to take a break and realize that, yes, the world's going to keep going. Yes, you might miss out on maybe another 50,000 reaches or whatever, but you're going to realize you'll be fine if you take a week off. But the only way to learn that is by going to Hawaii and cuddling in the ocean with Justin Timberlake. Yeah, but I'm saying I need I need to get stuff done though. I have deadlines. And so that I've put off because of other stuff and it just- I get it.

There's always, I just looked at my schedule today and I just go, how funny that I'm like, next week is my first week where I don't have eight podcasts a day promoting this show. And there's no part of me that goes,

oh, I might just like fucking do nothing. It's like I have to, there's no part of me that goes, oh, I might just like fucking do nothing. It's like I have to. There's the next thing. And I know it's all my own fault, but it's like it just never ends. I just don't see any end in sight. And it's really exhausting to think about. Eventually you'll be able to get your mom a better house. It's all worth it in the end.

That seems exhausting, too. Just like looking at houses and signing papers. All right, what's the story, Noah?ah well that segues into my first story really well because scientists scientists say that they have nailed down the ideal amount of sleep um the new research found that around seven hours of sleep is the ideal night's rest with insufficient or excessive sleep being associated with a reduced ability to pay attention remember and learn new things solve problems and make decisions with too much sleep or not enough too much or not enough sleep both cause those things

problem is that seven hours straight this has to be straight huh yeah i've never i don't know last time i got that well how many what how long are your breaks i'm usually i'm a three hour man and then how long is the break between an hour on your phone a lot of times i'll go i'll go over the two fucking old fucking well and your phone yeah other research found that older adults who have significant difficulty falling asleep and who experience frequent night awakenings are at high risk for developing dementia or dying early from any cause. What's funny about this, Noah? You psycho? Yeah, funny you should say that. You're going to die.

It's very dramatic. I've never seen Noah laugh this hard until my dad. Psycho? Yeah, funny you should say that. You're going to die. You're going to die now. I've never seen Noah Laugh Disarted, though. My dad. Looks like Anthony Bourdain's not the only one buried in that outfit. Oh, no, he's gone, you guys. He's gone. Out. Should have slept six hours.

Sleeping fear in six hours. What is seven hours? What is that, 11 to 6? What is that? 11 to 6? Yeah. Are you 11 to 6 yeah are you gonna yeah again what are you no you're not getting that i uh just recently i wasn't but oh yeah i get i get that on on the reg like last night i went to bed probably at one and i woke up today at nine so i got eight whoa no uh 9 40 so i got 8 40 and how feeling? I wanted to sleep so much more.

It wasn't enough. I'm so tired still. That's that oversleep shit. Well, I'm back in this phase of like, there was a while there that I was just never tired because I was so tired. And now I'm like, my general stasis is never wanting to get up ever.

Just wanting to keep sleeping forever. I never wake up being like time to start the day it is always like oh even though i used to be like 10 hours 7 hours 11 hours still want more more more more i've been getting out of bed easier lately yeah i think the post-covid world i have a second lease on life you were always getting it for the past like even in when we were in cabo for perfect strangers 2 you were up every morning at like seven so is that the key though should you set an alarm for seven hours like probably yeah based on what when we're kids we wake up before we wanted to wake up so much you know what i mean every single day for school yeah it's like oh i'm awake but isn't that

every adult period for work? I guess so. Yeah, we're lucky in that, obviously, in that. But we actually. We start work at 11, but for some reason, it still feels early. Like before 10 feels so early to me. Because you don't go to bed till late. That's the problem.

Yeah. If we're going to bed at fucking, you know, a lot of people make fun of the guy that wakes up at 4, 8, like the Mark Wahlbergs. Yeah, but he's going to bed at. I'm up at 4 8 like the mark walbergs yeah i'm up at 4 30 but you're going to bed 5 p.m yes you're fucking i don't know how people do that like people go to late dinners people go like if there's there's good things on tv late like i just my day doesn't stop until six and i don't want to go to bed in three hours i want to go to bed and i want a day after that yeah you see these tiktoks it's like i wake up i put fucking fresh water from a camel's dick on my face then i

fucking scrub my skin for an hour and a half then i read the newspaper then i carve a cantaloupe then i fucking work out for two hours and it's still fucking 4 45 a.m and it's like fuck you but also good to be one of those people when you do get a bunch done in the morning you go work out you do like a meditation i gotta get back into meditating but the wim hof method i'm like looking into that i think breathing the cold breathing yeah cold showers breathing things but i just it's such a daunting um world to get into that it seems like i just there's too much research there's all these different methods and i just feel like i don't want to do any of it

it's like when i go to look for a new book to buy there's too many books and do i choose nothing i just want to know what breathing thing to do the cold shower too if i was living in florida it makes sense to me but i can't go It's not about like you're overheated. Go take a cold shower. No, no. I know that. I know that. I know that.

But I'm just saying. It's about uncomfortableness. When I lived in Brooklyn. Uncomfortability. And there was like, there's no heat in the bathroom. So it's like, I'm getting the cold. I don't have to go cold, cold. No, it's different.

It's about. I know. I know. But I'm just saying it's harder. Like cold, cold is hard. Like you're taking a hot shower to finally get away from cold. Yes. So now I need more cold?

I mean, my bedroom is 60 degrees every single morning. I'm sure that's a Hoffman thing. It's the best. Yeah, well, I mean, sleeping cold is the best way to do it because that's what we used to do. It's what animals or human animals are meant to be. Sleeping in caves? Yeah, it's cold at night.

Yeah. It's good for your body. I just don't understand people who can sleep in flannel pajamas. I've never felt more disconnected from human beings than people who sleep hot. I can't sleep with clothes. Well, I sleep with a t-shirt on, but other than that, naked. Because you don't want that Play-Doh body touching you? Honestly, there's a thing where I feel like...

I hate my wet ass crack feeling in my hips. It's too wet down there. And I need underwear to absorb sweat. Just leakage. I hate being underwear-less in bed. I hate it. Like a running car that just has that weird leakage in the back that I don't even know where it comes from.

Yeah, every time you pull out of your parking space, there's like a puddle. And you go, I don't know what that is. Is that water? Is that wiper fluid? Is my car horny? Yeah, I can't understand. And you got a lot of stuff down there just flopping around.

Don't you want to keep it tucked? Don't you want to keep it tight when you're rolling around in bed i mean there's definitely a reason why i think brenna likes to clean the sheets more yeah because your penis is leaking and just like weeping all over the sheets like like an old cadillac my dick is like it just leaks boy and i'm sure it's my thyroid or something i I don't know. Someone wrote me something about my leaky cock. Wait, you have a leaky cock? No, I don't. Is it pussy? No, no.

You have a pussy dick? I have a pussy dick. I have a dick dick. No, no. I just mean, I think the older you get, the more you got to pat your penis after you pee. Noah, do you wear underwear when you sleep? My favorite way to sleep is totally naked, but with a bunch of blankets on me but don't you feel like your vagina gets like like just there's just like you know more moisture down there and like

i just hate getting it on my sheets then i have to clean my sheets that's basically what i'm preventing um it does happen but it doesn't bother me because then your sheets are your underwear if you're not wearing underwear whatever you're on becomes your underwear. And you would never wear your underwear two days in a row unless you were Andrew Collin. But no one would ever... Hey, I have a lot of clean clothes now. That's why I don't understand jeans

when girls wear no underwear, how you can wear those two days in a row. Your jeans are your pussy then. I get paranoid though. Pussy, pussy. Because if it's in my underwear, if it's in my underwear that means that at no point during the day did it have time to like breathe i need to like air it out and sleeping is when i do it yeah at night it's time to air the baby out but it's not being aired out

because it's like under a bunch of heavy blankets no it makes sense in my mind it does make sense in your mind yeah your vagina is always engulfed. I never air out my vagina. There's no time where I'm spread eagle. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. The only way to air out a vagina is you really got to air it out. It's always stuck in there, your vagina. Yeah. It's weird.

Yeah. I mean, balls, you have to air out because you'll cry. I can't believe it doesn't mildew. It does. Yeah, I guess it does yeah i guess it does yeah that's what people get easy just picturing people from e like this is the first that they stumble on oh my god sorry welcome to the show why do i care why do i care okay ireland baldwin says uh an ex wanted to fuck her mom, Kim Basinger.

The revelation was part of a TikTok trend in which people responded to the question, what is the one thing your ex said to you that you will never forget? That's a good one. I could see that, but why would they say that to her? To hurt her. Yeah. Yeah. To make her feel less.

You're so right. Yes. She said that. Yeah. Yeah. To make her feel less. You're so right. Yes. She said that, yeah, the full comment was, you'll never be as beautiful as your mom. I've always wanted to fuck her and I'm just not really attracted to you like that.

Oh my God. Why would you be her boyfriend then? I mean. God, people are the worst. What's the worst thing that a person's ever said to you? Ever?

That you really were dating. Oh, I don't. That I'm crazy. Nothing that I can really ever said to you that you're dating oh i don't that i'm crazy nothing that i can really remember oh that you're crazy being called crazy is like the worst that they want to fuck my hot dad and make out with his wet mouth and it's so funny to think of of like because kim basinger is like one of the hottest people ever so obviously 90 percent of the country wanted to fuck her yeah you're the odds are someone's gonna want to fuck your mom

if you're dating a guy yeah if you're but if it's specific to someone that's just a doctor just your mom who shops at goodwill that feels a little bit more hurtful when people think my mom is beautiful i'm always like yes because that shows that they are like into older women and i'm gonna age and they'll like me still then oh yeah you know and so i don't know what my sister yeah you know men are generally that i've dated have have you know said the opposite which i know is to be true is that my sister is prettier than me they're always like i'm more into you it's like and thank god for it because most people are into my sister more than me they're always like i'm more into you it's like and thank god for it because most people are into my sister more than me like but you're very different looking than your sister

i know so there are guys that are more into like blondes yeah just like you know raspy blondes and like you know um your sister jennifer connelly and your margot robbie well okay thank you i'm saying like in the guy's mind of like yes like the different coloring yes yes my sister has like milky skin i have like orange spray tan speckled skin um like my older brother he would do so much better with women than me because he had confidence yeah and he has a good smell he has better teeth me. He has all his teeth. And he's rich. But he's so good with women. To the point where... And I would be the better looking brother.

But it wouldn't even be close when there was a group of girls. When we were in Europe or whatever. Confidence is everything with men. I'm just in the corner eating chicken salad. Which is a great sign because a lot of men feel like I'm not attractive. What am I going to it's like confident confidence but where does it come from it's gotta be real actually it doesn't even have to be real no if you read the game you can figure

out how to just fake it you just you just do things that are egregiously awful and then you practice being confident about them and so when people go why are you wearing that you go i because i like it and then everyone just goes, oh, I guess he's confident. I mean, that's why stand-up comedians get laid so much. It's like fake confidence when really they're deeply insecure. Oh, yeah. But it's like comes off as when people are like, Nikki, you're so confident. I'm always just like, that doesn't resonate with me at all.

I know. It's so bizarre. The worst thing a guy ever said to me, though. But what are you going to do? Go on stage and go, oh, sorry. No one will ever love you. No one will ever love you. Just as a joke, he goes, oh, no one's ever said to me, though. But what are you going to do? Go on stage and go, oh, sorry. No one will ever love you. No one will ever love you. Just as a joke, he goes, oh, no one's ever going to love you.

And I started sobbing like a downpour, like that, you know, where you go, oh, my God, there's no sign of rain. And then all of a sudden, boom. And he was saying, and he freaked out because he was like, wait, what's going on? I was just joking. And I was like, that was the meanest thing. Yeah. Because it just confirmed what I thought.

Yeah, I mean, those tears were ready to go for years. You know what I mean? All it took was one little, it's like a dam that breaks. Yes. But the water's been on it the whole time. Yes, and you have no idea. It's like birds chirping, like peaceful, serene, like just like a gentle stream.

And then poof. I've had those moments where it's just like. Like something just brings it on out of nowhere yeah i've been holding that back a while but he was only saying it because he was trying to hurt me because he he was saying it jokingly to protect him to be like i was just joking but he was saying it not because he meant it but because he knew that we he could never have me and he's not good enough for me and he had to say it so that it could protect him i i know that it's very transparent but he fucked your mom yeah i mean he could love my mom though and he

thinks that she's very lovable let's get to our wednesday segment we usually do a game called finish my sentence in which andrew and i try to complete each other's sentences to try to guess how we would answer it today we are doing um a uh we're doing finish my sentence but it's now going to be finish my uber eats order uber eats of course is an app that i use all the freaking time on the road and at home to get anything like not literally anything but you can get grocery items um and you can get convenience store convenience store items like anything that you need that you go oh my my God, we're out of dog food. Oh my God, we're out of toothpaste.

Boom, Uber Eats, you can pull up and you can see that they're not just restaurants anymore, which is what a lot of people think about Uber Eats. So Andrew and I placed Uber Eats orders. This morning and got in like 10 minutes. Yes, immediately. They're here and we tried to order what we thought. Does he live in our building?

He just has everything hoarded. It was so fast. And it's all a bunch of stuff that like you just don't think you could get that fast. I ordered grocery items for Andrew. Andrew ordered convenience store items for me. So we are going to finish each other's Uber Eats order and as always

you can use the Uber Eats app as well. Today. Today even. Yeah right now you can get the Uber Eats app as well. Today. Today even. Yeah, right now. You can get anything you want. Stop the podcast. Don't ever listen again.

Go to Uber Eats. Yeah, stop it right now. Pull up Uber Eats. At least download the app so that when you want it, it's ready to go because I hate when I have to download a new app and then you have to wait to connect to Wi-Fi and that little thing is...

Yes, it's just a big thing. Download it so that when when it's so nice to pull up the app when someone's like i need this thing and you go ordered it already like and they go wait what and they're still like searching for like how to get it and where the nearest walgreens is or wherever and you're just like it's gonna be here i went to ubereats.com i did that day. Yeah. A lot of times people do that. Okay. So who's going to go first? I will go first. Okay. Okay. So.

This is what I would get at a grocery store. I got you something that you put in an oven. Okay. That is made from cauliflower because you. Cauliflower pizza. You think that anything. Cauliflower pizza. With cauliflower is healthy.

Yes. Because you're a boy who doesn't really read anything with cauliflower is healthy? Yes. Because you're a boy who doesn't really read nutrition facts. With mayonnaise. Yes. It's very healthy. I also got you something that is also you cook. You can put it in an oven, but most likely a microwave that has the word cauliflower in it. Again, that is probably not that healthy, but because it has cauliflower in it, you'll go, oh, it must be like a like a diet food dude my mouth is my dad's mouth right now i'm watering i got you oh these things that i

love so much that are a dessert that have protein in them and also are creamy and chocolatey and are like a frozen dessert that are 100 calories each because again i'm not there's protein in the ice cream yes you don't know if it's ice cream but yes it is an ice cream thing. It has protein in it and it also it's like 100 calories per which you'll eat the entire box in one sitting. I know that because I'm

the same way. But it convinces yourself that you're being healthy. I got you something for mango. My cat. Yes. I got you some for mango. My cat. Yes. I got you some cauliflower treats for mango. Yeah, he watches this.

I got you some candy that is low in sugar that I love. I got you all diet-y things. No, I like that. Not diet-y things, but healthy things. Not diet-y. I like things on the fence. Nothing with fake stuff in it. You know what I mean?

I did get you... What? This is funny because whenever... When you guys were living together, you were always concerned that Andrew doesn't have enough snacks or food. So I feel like this is you...

Yes, he never does. ...fulfilling that from the past. It is. These are all things that I would have bought him when i know that he has no food at home and he'll he'll come out of his room really leery-eyed and be like do you want to get thai food and i'll go they closed at eight there's nothing to get and then he'll just start looking in the cabinets and he'll pick out all is in there is like old food from our green rooms that i've kept over the the. And then he'll just start eating some weird thing

that we have on hand. One time, our building gave us a Christmas present of chocolates. So he'll start eating these bag of chocolates because it's all he has. Do you do that a lot at your own home? No. Does Brenda keep you guys pretty stocked?

That and I have trifecta meals. I have like 15 meals ready to go okay well that makes sense i've been good um okay and then i have this candy that we talked about recently you got way more money than me i i spent 50 okay then i got this candy that um we talked about recently that is probably trains women to be good at giving head. Oh. You eat it, and then there's like a, it's a solid and a fruit snack. Oh, I know what's in there.

And a liquid. Yes, a fruit snack. It's a fruit snack that gushes in your mouth. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. I also got you your favorite drink that that one guy drinks that you just think is gonna burn your calories.

Which I found out is apparently killing people. Yeah, of course. People are addicted to this stuff. It's this energy drink that Andrew saw one guy be like, this is why I'm jacked. It's not because he spends 18 hours in a gym. You want to know why? Because he had cauliflower ears and it's healthy.

Yeah. He had the cauliflower ears. And then I also got you a morning recovery shot. Oh, I like that. Because you drink now. Yeah. Because I drink now. Yeah. I've had one drink in three weeks people who are 21 and older can get alcohol on the uber it's up too yes i almost got you alcohol but i don't want to encourage that but i did get you a recovery shot for the morning grass um you'll see

i'm excited dude actually no you take it in the night you take it in the night and then in the morning it makes you feel better so you take it in the night. You take it in the night, and then in the morning, it makes you feel better. So you take it at night with your drinking, and then in the morning, you're very hydrated and not as hungover, and I probably don't think it works that well. Dude, food is... You got way more than me. I apologize. Because one of my things...

Well, I'm just good at looking at prices and making... Yeah. You could have done the same thing, but I bet you were just lazier about it. No. Okay. How long did it take you to make your order? it no how long did it take you to make your order three days not true no one knows how long did it take Andrew to give you what he was gonna get

boys are so funny they don't look at prices he just added stuff to the shopping cart that's what he admitted I got the idea of the price. But you look at the total, and no, it was clear, like, not over $50. Yeah. So why didn't you follow the rules?

Because your boy's a fucking badass that wears boots. You don't give a fuck that he went to $54. But he did order you some thoughtful things. I didn't go to, like, huh? I didn't go to, like, $90. I went to $57. All right. I thought I would make up the $7. I went to 57. All right. I thought I would make up to $7.

I'd throw it back to the old Uber Eats. The price is not important. It's what you got to see if you win. So far, maybe he's in the lead. That was a lot of stuff for $50 that I got. A lot. I did a good job. Now, mind you, I'm way under $50 because one of the things, one of my main-

Can I go put one of these in the- I want to put this ice cream in the freezer because I don't want it to freeze. Okay. Or to unfreeze and that's the best thing about uber eats is that you can get ice cream and it is still intact it doesn't melt all right ice cream bars melt then they get all like weird so if i was out of the packaging like you're eating pussy what would i get so i went to a convenience store i didn't get to go to grocery Yeah to the pharmacy So I did convenience to a pharmacy Yeah like items that would You know populate my bathroom

Yeah or I don't think you have them But it'd be nice to have them I thought I thought of things of like What would you want at a convenience store That maybe you'd forget to get Or something that's like needed

Things that I don't actually want or need But that you think I need. Maybe. Maybe. But maybe you do need them. I'm interested. All right. I got you stuff that allow your eyes to not be red.

Wait, why would I need that? Eye drops. Because you wear contacts. Okay. So sometimes you might be tired. You're overworked. You just really... Took it literally?

No. I think you really phone this why well i i would if i were you i would have gotten me bunion pads or something funny like that i would have gotten me wart remover i would have gotten me um you know just like funny funny stuff oh okay well but uh yes i do love when i used to smoke pot i used to love eye drops now i don't struggle with that as much, but I appreciate it. Okay. You sound appreciative. Yeah, I really am. Okay.

I got you bandages. I just feel unseen. Bandages. Yes. I do need bandages because I'm always picking at my nails. Okay. There you go. That's a good one.

Are they small bandages? They're good for your nails. Oh, well, these happen to be extra large. Okay. So that's not for my fingers idea being that you can put all your fingers in one okay i honestly i didn't see the extra large but that was my thinking is you pick your nails a lot maybe you forget like oh my god i need i picked up a band-aid off the ground in a bathroom the

other day because i saw that someone had dropped a band-aid that was unused. Oh, unused. Jesus. And I picked it up and put it in my purse because I always need band-aids because I'm always digging up my nails. Who's talking shit now? It's a good purchase. Good job.

This one is for your sinuses. It's a pot for your sinuses to clear them. Never have I needed that in my life. You've used it before. A neti pot? Yeah. You have used this at your last... No, I use the thing that you put over your whole face

and it creates like a steamer effect. Now I can just neti. Now you can neti. And also neti is kind of fun. Have you ever done it? It's a kind of good thing to water plants with. It's fucking wild to do it. I know it is wild.

And it looks like a dick on the front. But you can't... I'm too lazy to use it because you have to boil the water beforehand so you don't get a bacteria in your nose that like eats your face. You know, like people have died from that. Really? Well, that's kind of like, I think Western medicine has tried to scare people from using

these Eastern medicine techniques. And so they want you to go to the doctor and use their meds. So they spread these like propaganda of like this woman died from using tap water so you got to boil it first and i'm a lazy bitch but that will come in handy so the idea granted i only got you three things that's it like i said i got you four that was not available what was the one thing that wasn't available it was a menstrual uh heating pad that would have been nice i know so can you take back all the mean things you said that you don't feel seen i mean come on well

that's the point of this segment is like can we see each other and i felt unseen not anymore heating pad uh no you like the bandages well the extra large took me out of it but you're you're not wrong but i got but I got you a very small heating pad. Maybe I'll have a bed sore. Who knows? From all my sleep. My idea, my thinking, honestly, behind this, granted it was quick. Quick doesn't always mean worse.

What were you doing while you were doing this? Shopping for myself. No, no, no. I don't know. Were you golfing? Were you on the golf course no i was laying down on the couch yeah i was watching winning time on hbo yes and i thought you know what i thought this was my thought process i wasn't thinking funny i was thinking what are things that i like for me if someone went to convenience store for me, the nicest thing ever would be things that like I could keep reusing that I would forget weren't in the house.

Kind of like you with me with snacks. I forget snacks. You forget bandages. Same idea. Yes. You're always bleeding from your nails and I'm bleeding from my stomach. The eye drops I think were just a thing that you were just like, okay. The eye drops was me thinking like were just a thing that you were just like, okay. The eye drops was me thinking, like, maybe just out of.

You said that she was tired. You're tired. I mean, he's not wrong about that. Your eyes get red from your contacts. Do they? Now I'm just feeling insulted. You bleed from everywhere, lady. Did you get extra large eye drops?

Yeah, I got menstrual pads for your eyes. Well, this was a success. I am glad I got that. I'm going to probably give you the Netty Pop because I just don't think I'm going to use it. But I'm going to re-gift that to you. But I am so shocked that we could get all this stuff so quickly within minutes. And you can too if you use the Uber Eats app today. Go out there. that uber eats

final thoughts um what are you up to today today i have a workout class i'm getting a facial nice diamond glow what workout class i have a new thing i'm going to what is it what did you call me impulsive yes you got a new one what's your name it's called f45 oh oh for your age you just say trump no uh f uh f45 is a australian workout class it's it's very cheesy does it burn a thousand calories i don't really think about it it's functional to lose weight to feel good functions functional that. That's what the F stands for. Oh. So what do you do during it?

It does everything for you. You're just a computer. You're like, come in here. Here's 15 different workouts. They put it on the screen. You don't even have to think. And you're done in 40 minutes, in and out. Yes.

It's a little like. Culty. It's like if CrossFit was more relatable. Oh, how did you find out about it? My little brother does it. Oh. And so, yeah, I went with Brenna yesterday, and she did not like it at first.

Why? Because it's hard? It's just very like, rah-rah! And she just wants to do her thing. Oh, God, I hate that celebration. I'm like, you can do it, girl. Rachel Feinstein has a great bit about spin classes why why do you hate it so bad because i don't mind it because it's exhausting

to cheer and be like excited like i just want to suffer alone i don't want to share and i don't want to act like this is exciting to me yes it's it sucks that you have to match the guy's energy. I'm sorry. I just have never seen people in those classes who I want to look like. They all just look like they're always running up at the last second because they're late for the class. And then they leave afterwards. And I know they just go and they eat so much. Just like Kim Kardashian. If you do too much, there's always,

if you do too much, there's always gonna be the negative effect on the other end. But that's why I like this. And you'll never blame your workout class and you'll always blame yourself. You're like, I'm weak. But the problem is these fucking workout classes are just not good. Here's the thing with this workout class.

Good, I think. I agree with you. I'm projecting a lot because I can't handle myself in those. Yeah, I don't think you'd want to be around this many people. It's very bright in there. It's cheesy, but it's not. You feel good afterwards.

You feel good, and it's not so depleted. I don't feel depleted. Sometimes workouts will make you feel more depleted. Yes. This is not one of those. I don't mean to shit on it, but I just like. And I don't want to get jacked anymore. I just want to be able to get on the floor.

I just want to be able... You want to be able to stretch and be limber. Just get on the floor. Function. Why don't you do yoga? Something gentle. Why does it have to be punishing? Because yoga...

That's what I wonder. Yoga is more punishing to me. Everyone takes classes to punish themselves. Yoga is more punishing to me than these classes. Why? Because I'm... And I know... this is why i should do yoga i'm so tight in my hips and my lower back and all that shit which yoga is perfect for yeah

it's a goddamn disaster for me to do it it's very hard and i try i've leaned into it it hurts i get bored i have add i just want to run around a little bit like i'm fucking again i just can't understand again i don't relate to people that do these classes i know people love them i am in the I have ADD. I just want to run around a little bit. Like I'm fucking 10 again. I just can't understand. Again, I don't relate to people that do these classes. I know people love them. I am in the minority. And I'm like, some people have a very healthy relationship. But have you done them? Have you done them?

Yes. Oh, I've done. I went with you in a meal to that boot camp class in Nashville. Remember that? I've done spin classes. I've done every one of these. Yoga class. I walked out of a yoga class because I was just like, this is, I'm sweating too much.

I'm slipping all over the mat. I hate this. And I walked out. For me, it's, I get too competitive and I feel like a loser because I'm not as good

as everyone else. I feel like I just, I hate the chipper instructor who's making everything look so easy. And I get jealous of her because I go, oh,

she's done seven of these today. I'm never going to good as her i'm not as healthy as her like there's always there's too much comparison for me i just can't do it because i'm too wrapped up and like i'm not as good as other people and it's a constant comparison i've gotten to the point in my life where it's healthy i don't i don't give a fuck about any of that shit anymore i i would i used to for sure i used to be the most competitive person it's not like i accept defeat and i'm just like whatever i suck at this it's like i'm pretty good yeah i don't need to be the best at this i just want to be able to i agree with you nikki i used to think the same thing like oh this is so punishing but for the people who show up on a regular basis to these

classes they kind of become your support system and teammates to try to um help you get through the class depending on of course on what it is there is something about that like a group like we are supposed to work in groups like i was always someone who never liked group projects because i knew that i would probably be doing most of the work or the smart girl would make me like i don't like that's a that's an issue with me like that i have to resolve but i just the comparison i played football basketball yeah i don't like group things all team aspects i just want to get it done myself and if or i just rather not do it like i don't like doing things I'm not good at. And I look at exercise as not like, at least now,

I don't look at it as something that like, I got to get this done. It's like, I want to go. And any kind of scheduled class is not going to fit with my desire to work out. It's always going to seem like a chore. It's always going to seem like work. And to me, it's the opposite. I want to take the work out of working out. But that's what that does for me. I'm just like, oh, I'll, it's the opposite. I want to take the work out of working out.

But that's what that does for me. I'm just like, oh, I'll just show up. Yeah. I don't have to think. No, it gives you a schedule. You don't have to think. Yeah. Yeah. And it's nice to have something else in my life that I don't have to be the best at it,

but it's nice to see improvement. Yes. And I know that I'm not – it's not vain. I'm not really doing this to be – sure, I'll look in the mirror. We're two months out of you staying in my green room. Yes. To check out your own body in the mirror on a day of work. I was going to say that.

I said, I still will check out my abs in the mirror if there's great lighting. Yeah. Every once in a while. Yes. But mostly, it's about 80-20 now. Okay. As opposed to, it's probably about 99-1. But your boy is, you know, I wear boots now.

Yes. Me and Marc Maron, we're the same person. All right. Well, we have a show tomorrow for you. So check it out then. This is all for the show today. Andrew, have a good day. Noah, have a great day.

Hope our listeners do. Are you okay? Yeah. Staring despondently. No, I'm just thinking about my workout class I gotta get to. F45. Don't be cool out there and jack muscles. Nice.

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