The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #215 The Dirty Locker Thing

Episode Date: May 10, 2022

In Nikki's world you have to earn your treat. They remember the lunches they got in school and dirty lockers. This morning, Andrew's noise cancelling headphones also cancelled the smell of a smokey cab. They discuss acting out of their element on dates, like the time Andrew acted like "the strong silent type". Nikki is frustrated about going to a car dealership more so than almost dying on her last flight that had a new pilot. You Heard It Here First: groups are gross, someone got a better deal than Julie at GoodWill and the most anonymous celebrity relationship ever. In Top1 Bottom1 they talk about Friends the TV show and ones they had/have.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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You are cordially invited to... The hottest party in professional sports. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour, tips to help improve your swing, and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get

candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, vulnerability, and authenticity, we share our personal journeys navigating our 30s, tackling the complexities of modern relationships, and engage in thought-provoking discussions that challenge societal expectations. From groundbreaking interviews with diverse guests to relatable stories that will resonate with your experiences, Decisions Decisions is going to be your go-to source for the open dialogue about what it truly means to love and connect in today's world. Get ready to reshape your understanding of relationships and embrace the freedom of authentic connections. Tune in and join the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Tomer Cohen, LinkedIn's Chief Product Officer. If you're just as curious as I am about the way things are built, then tune in to my podcast, Building One. I speak with some of the best product builders out there.

I've always been inspired by frustration. It came back to my own personal pinpoint. So we had to go out to farmers and convince them. Following that curiosity is a superpower. You have to be obsessed with the human condition. Listen to Building One on the iHeartRadio app, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful.

I'm Ellie Flynn, an investigative journalist, and this is my journey deep into the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy in my doll. He was like, I'll take you to the top, I'll make you a star. To expose an alleged predator and the rotten industry he works in. It's honestly so much worse than I had anticipated. We're an army in comparison to him. From novel, listen to The Bunny

Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Ooh, ooh, ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Here I am.

Welcome to the show. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. It's Monday. Marion's dancing over there. Marion's here, everyone. My parents' dog. My parents are out of town, and so I'm taking care of Marion. And she is not eating right now, and she has diarrhea.

But Andrew just saw her and said that she looked fat. I mean, your parents are definitely giving her something from the table. All they do. By everything. Yeah. They make her a plate. Every single, they give her so much food. These dogs always get fat when they go over there

because it's just, my dad's like, they take treats for doing nothing. Treats are like a treat because you do something to earn it. Yeah, you sit,

you lay down. Yes. My dad just, and then he won't give one dog a treat for doing something good because then the other dog will get jealous.

And I'm like, dogs don't have jealousy. I don't know. I don't know. I feel like they're pretty jealous of each other you pet one the other one just goes insane though will it be hurt like the rest of the day and like suffer because um this goes back to like i don't know i wonder if you pet just one dog for a week

and not the other one that would be so sad i don't even want to think about that yeah it's awful okay so maybe they do have feelings yeah or jealousy well it goes back to like what um Anya was talking about it we were at Starbucks this weekend a month we probably went to like 30 Starbucks this weekend but um when we were talking about like uh she when she said she was living

with me and I said I haven't earned a nap today like I was I really want a nap but I haven't earned one and she was like I never heard someone say something like that and I was like what do you mean like you anytime you do anything that is like relaxing or like feels good it should come

after some sort of hard work or like some sort of suffering but I think her idea is just viewing a nap as a treat as opposed to your body just like putting in your mind that it's like a dessert that you don't deserve. No, you deserve it if you put in work enough to be tired. You don't get to nap if you haven't worked all day. You're telling me you can't wake up and then nap 10 minutes later?

I mean, I do, but it feels terrible. And it's probably more like leading to depression than like something balanced but i i feel the same way with the dogs i'm just like they don't get treats unless they do something you can't just get you have to earn things and we're talking about like i mean i and i don't think that means like you don't give your kids toys or like presents or like a day off school or whatever unless they like earn it but it shouldn't just be for nothing i think there needs to be some kind of is that wrong to know i don't think so i think that's i think when i got when i was 16 i got a car right yes i should have had to have worked at least

two summers to at least put maybe 500 into that car that's what i would do if i ever have a kid. I think my parents, they treated me like Marion. I was just a fat little dog that just got whatever he wanted. Kind of. I was spoiled. I was spoiled with gifts, but not with love.

So it was kind of like, here's a car. Now I'm not going to talk to you for a year about anything. I didn't get everything I wanted, but we got a lot of cool stuff and like Kirsten would always say it's so fun hanging out with your dad because if he goes to the gas station and goes in to pay he'd come back and just throw a bunch of candy in the

back seat and be like got a bunch like you throw like Twizzlers and peanut M&M's and just like a waterfall of candy would fall and it was like that was Were you jealous of your sister if she got something and you didn't get it? Yeah, but that would never happen.

My parents are very even. You do not get something if your sister gets like, no one gets more. There's this new thing that I learned about. If you're a parent that helps, um, you know, kids get when you're eating,

kids get jealous of like, they were like, I want more. Like I want hers. Like they always want what isn't theirs. And this is a tactic I read about on Reddit that also they use in Prisoner of War camps. Oh, you cut a hand off or something?

When there's like food rationing. Okay. So you go, you let one kid ration each portion to go, okay, split it in half and be like, make a plate, make a plate. And then the other kid decides which one they want first. So one kid tries to make them equal as possible, okay, split it in half and be like, make a plate, make a plate. And then the other kid decides which one they want first. So one kid tries to make them equal as possible, obviously, because he doesn't know which one he's going to get.

And then the other kid chooses. And so that's how you should have your kids decide what to eat so that they don't, one feels, they both feel involved. Also, kids eat horribly, usually, because parents don't want to hear it i get it though like my kid was crying but then what if you never introduced chicken tenders to your kid would they want chicken tenders is it what comes first the chicken or the crying you know what i mean right they want things well they they see things marketed and so you know what you want you think the kids seen on

the highway i used to say i need this my dad would say you don't need anything and i'd go i need this like i would get ideas from commercials of what i needed interesting um food you're right though like do if you feed your kids like balanced food and you don't let them have those treats but once you i mean once they get to school the problem is school kids start school early they're gonna see another kid's lunch yeah he's gonna have fucking yeah gushers what was the thing that you would want out of school lunches at school you guys like my big thing was trading up for a sandwich that i wanted like you love sandwiches so my friend had this like roast beef american cheese mayo sandwich it was nothing to like go nuts about but a mother had made something for this child maybe it was a mother's love you just wanted you wanted to taste a mother's well this is the best part

like fingerprints i didn't trade him a sandwich from home i my mom gave me money to buy a sandwich so i gave him the school sandwich that came with no mother's love well the money i guess but but i don't know there was something about a homemade, kind of disgusting sandwich. Yes. Well, we get turkey sandwiches on the road. Yes. On the Ryder.

I think I'm going to change it, though. Why? To what? Turkey makes me tired, man. It's a thing. I'm telling you. So what do you change it to? Ham?

Ham wakes you. Ham's cocaine of the meats. Tuna? Isn't it so funny to think of another meat that will get you fucking going? What are you going to change it to? I'm going to change it to grilled chicken sandwich. That's hard to get. What do you mean?

Are grilled chicken sandwiches hard to find? Yeah, no. Grilled chicken's in every turkey sandwich. Yeah? Yeah, same bird. Okay. Okay. And then turkey.

Noah, do you remember getting jealous of lunches and things? So I used to get jealous of kids who would get school lunch but the thing that really made me jealous because i always had like what did you get you had a sack lunch yeah like my my mom would send us with food what was your typical lunch what was in that brown bag it was just a pita bread cut in half either with cheese and cucumbers or cheese and salami oh cutie what about any sides no just like really what were you still in russia it was very sad so i would get so jealous of the kids who had lunchables do you remember lunchables yes the packaging they would have like a variety of cheeses and cold cuts and a little snack.

Oh, and the pizza one. Oh, the pizza. Yeah. Yes. That pizza one was so gross because it was cold, but like you just loved it. Yeah. I mean, the slippery meat dish. That's what.

I couldn't understand. I would go over to a friend's house and her mom would make dinner for the family and they would just be spaghetti. There would be no salad. There would be no fruit. I was really lucky that i had a mom that like made sure every food group was hit but i just remember being like i can't believe this girl who like lives in a big house as a really nice family big yard like bigger house than mine nice neighborhood their family for a sit-down dinner spaghetti marinara nothing else garlic

bread no nothing else just straight spaghetti i couldn't believe it i remember going home and being like i mom they didn't have anything else and they my parents were just like that it's terrible what was your lunch yeah i mean um did you get like two cutie oranges or an apple then a bag of like a you know like a my mom would take chips and put them in a bag like doritos or something, or the snack-sized Doritos. And then either a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or a salami sandwich or turkey sandwich. Can we get salami sandwich? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Salami. My mom loves salami. Yeah, moms love salami. I'm not making a joke. They do. My mom fucking loves salami. Yes.

Like the thick kind. Oh, my God. I love, oh, my favorite was when we'd get a peanut butter and jelly, and it would be at the bottom of the sackami. Yes. Like the thick kind. Oh my God. I love, oh my favorite was when we'd get a peanut butter and jelly and it would go, it would be at the bottom of the sack lunch. Yes.

And then throughout the day it would be in my bag and it would get like hot and it would all melt. It would melt into the bread and get like, it would all become one. It would be like an Uncrustable.

It would just be this moist, you know. This is how Uncrustable started This guy Yes Like brick Yes Of moist

Just soft Gooey Oh And the jelly would soak Into the bread Strawberry jelly Was the best Dude

Not chunky peanut butter Not to gross you out But that's what I liked From A mayonnaise sandwich The soaking The soaking Of mayo Yeah moist yeah yeah i mean this thing was in my locker for a hot florida locker for nine hours and the longer the better lockers

yeah ew really yeah these sandwiches were not oh my god they were jealous of kids that had outdoor lockers yeah we were that seemed like It was pretty cool. My locker was fucking filthy. Oh, I bet. I mean, I'm sure shit fell out of your locker. Oh, mine was so bad. Did you ever open it? Kirsten and I shared one one year. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. It was like opening a fucking Uber trunk. An Uber X trunk. When you skimp and you go for one that... And he looks at you like, oh, you have bags. Fuck you. And then he's got to open his trunk and there's like two bodies in And he looks at you like, oh, you have bags. Fuck you. And then he's got to open his trunk, and there's like two bodies in there.

He's got to shove to the side. Yeah. I mean, my locker, my car, everything. I mean, talk about ADD. And everyone would see it, except for... I just was just like, this is me. Well, your room was like that. Yeah, everything.

Two months ago. Yeah. Here, yeah. You haven't changed. I've changed. Your car had cans almost to the, you know, halfway up to your shin. Yeah. Like recently.

Not that long ago. No, it's funny to argue with someone and go, this was yesterday. I was listening to the Puddles podcast and I learned about how... Excuse me. What? I'm just plugging it. No, I know know i know that i'm making a joke and i learned about how uh andrew had his car broken into and probably all the junk in there deterred the robber from stealing anything possibly smart smart he's like oh someone already got to it and threw shit in it yeah Yeah. When my car got broken into in LA one time,

I was happy that they stole stuff because it just looked cleaner. I didn't even know what they stole because there was so much shit. I remember being like, I wrote that down as a joke because it was the first thing that came to my mind was like, thank you so much for cleaning this up,

taking that CD case. It's a bunch of crap. I love the idea. You leave a sign, doors open, organized papers. It's like the of crap. I love the idea. You leave a sign. Doors open. Organized papers. It's like the Seinfeld thing. Oh, it is? Fuck.

The car is BO. And he walks by a shady looking guy. He's trying to get rid of this car because everyone that will clean it will get it and go, oh! Yes. And he walks by. He rolls down the window. He closes the door.

And he's looking at the criminal looking guy in the corner. And he takes his keys. And he just throws it through the window and drops them and he's like presents the car then the guy gets in it and it's the closing scene and then the credits come up because the guy's like speaking of like smelly cars i mean we the uber was it this morning oh my god it was this morning that guy had smoky smok. Smokey Joe. Yeah, I was, you know. I tipped him 25%, but I did complain about the smell of his car, and I gave him four stars. There's something about having those AirPods in that are noise canceling, but they cancel, I think, all my senses. Like, I started coughing, but I didn't know if I was smelling it.

My nose wasn't working either. I don't know if they're all connected. No, they're not. I did a science project about this. It should actually amplify, I would think, your smell. You know know what i mean when your other sentences are kind of deadened yeah you would think you would man i would i got in right away and was like oh i had to wait 15 minutes for this uber i can't call another one it's just you just don't you don't get to drive an uber if you smoke and i know you smoke in your car because i was once a smoker and you try not to smoke in your car but you smoke in your car

and you roll the windows down and it still absorbs it. If you're still smoking, what are you doing? What are you doing? Having a blast. No. I don't want to stop this conversation

but I want to go back a little bit. You said that you and Kirsten shared a locker. Do you remember what decorations you had on it? I think we had a white whiteboard that's probably it like no stickers i don't think we did i don't think we decorated no i think it was like vandalism if we did because stickers you like couldn't get them off you know but i remember she was not happy

sharing a locker with me it became why did that happen because it was senior year and it was like oh my god we get to share lockers it'll be so fun it was in the senior hallway it was senior year and it was like, oh my God, we get to share lockers. It'll be so fun. It was in the senior hallway. It was like a fun thing. We wanted to. And then it quickly became a huge burden. My friends would spend the night at my house and just be like, how do you live like this? All my friends' rooms were so clean, except me and Holla. Holla and I were the most messy. But Kirsten and Taylor, no.

I know, I'm kidding. Oh my God. No, I try my best's a it's well you have enough room to have an extra room that's a junk drawer i always would have a room or a closet and i would stuff everything and i would get rid of it and it was such like a half-assed job because you know my room's clean it's a closet it's that little drawer that you have all those like rubber bands and keys and paper clips that's i have a room now that's that wait so was kirsten kind of clean so she was like oh she's so clean she was i mean it hurt our friendship i believe it was not good yeah she i mean like because i was so ashamed of myself it was so embarrassing to be a messy person and to have like your friend probably talk about

it with your other friends and be like nikki it's so bad sharing a locker with her. I could just sense it was a thing that had been harboring in her mind for a while. Well, you know my friend Seth, we roomed freshman year. Oh, yeah, and you had a fish in your bed as a prank and you didn't. Well, they put anchovies under my bed

and the joke was on them. Because you didn't. I smelled worse than the anchovies. You had noise-canceling headphones on? Yeah. I was waiting until the end of the year when those anchovies would taste amazing. Oh, my God. I don't know how you are who you are now.

He was so mad that he took all my clothes because I was so dirty. Yeah. And he put it out in the hallway. He goes, I'm going to burn it. Like, that's where our friendship got. Like, he's like, I'm going to burn all your clothes. Right. Because you're such a fucking disaster

I know And it's so hard Because you just don't There's just no way To not be that way Probably why I didn't get laid Throughout high school I'm gonna blame my locker

Well no I think you didn't get laid Because you had bad self esteem Yes And thus you had a dirty locker Because of bad self esteem Of course And then you also have an excuse

For why you don't get laid Because you're like My room's not clean These are all things that we do That I've never had a girl back to Yeah But like my room's not clean these are all things that we do that i've never had a girl back to yeah but i because my room's not clean you can't come back yes like i i would i would have loved for my parents to be like you can't date boys so that i would have had an excuse why i didn't date boys or like some kind of thing about it but yeah i mean oh i made a ton of excuses i was jewish i was short i didn't live

i lived an hour away from school so no girl's gonna want to date someone that far away i went to an all-christian school so i had all these things in my heads of why i wasn't yeah good enough for a girl well you told me about this weekend we passed a bahama breeze restaurant and you said that you had once taken a girl on a date there and I thought it was during your asexual phase and you said it was kind of it's all very hazy about Andrew's past. I don't know when he was not where you weren't

getting laid. You were drinking too much. You had no like you didn't get girls like yeah, but you suddenly you're going on a date with a beautiful girl at Bahama Breeze stripper a stripper. Yeah. Okay. And I took her out. We went to dinner.

It was like a Tuesday. I had one drink. I was bringing her home. And this is the night I got arrested. No, what about the other one? The girl where you're trying to act cool? Oh, that was just a completely different date. I tried to be the strong, silent type for a night.

But I was really hungover. She thought I hated her i'm not i'm not i guess you could kind of read me that i'm not like could you imagine if this was no i bet you you like if i was just like no i bet you could pull that off but like there's so many times i think that you think someone hates you and they really like it's the opposite there are so many times i meet people at meet and greets and i'm like wow that guy fucking hated me he did not want to be meeting me at all and then he dms me later like i was so nervous i didn't know what to say i had so much to say to you and like sends me a tower of text yeah but now i know i know exactly who wants to say more than they can in the moment because i get so many things that say afterwards like I didn't know what to say

I I wanted to say more and so now I know who has more to say and I kind of look at them a little bit longer like the floor is like do you want to say anything like it's okay but um it's it was fun this weekend meeting so many did you besties did you ever go on a date and completely not be yourself I mean maybe for four. I never went on dates. You never went on a date? No, we were very similar. Yeah. And I can't even believe you asked a girl out on a date.

What was that like? I don't know. There was the one time where I left the restaurant. I called the restaurant after I left to ask her out. I mean, that was the ballsiest thing I ever did. I go, it's the brown-haired girl that was in front there. She goes, it's me. I go, you know, because I saw her staring at me.

Right. I don't know. I just called and got a date from that. Damn. I've never done anything. I'm trying to think if I ever acted a different way. I just, no, I don't think I ever tried to be totally different than myself. You acting like stoic and strong silent type is so not you you what what

is going on with you at that moment you think that like someone made fun of you for being too goofy or something a girl was like he's goofy and so you were like okay i'm gonna choose the other lane like what made you do that was there a guy you were trying to emulate was there at the time i think this was before i even made money in real estate so And I just had kind of the heart attack kind of thing. So I was just kind of getting home. And I was like. Where you had a heart attack. And I was driving my dad's car.

But it was a cool car. But it wasn't. I didn't have the money for the car. So I was just driving this cool car. Did you act like it was yours? I didn't say it wasn't. Okay. So yes.

That's a yes. No. But I'm not that guy to be like. But you are the guy to be the strong silent type. Strong, so yes. That's a yes. No, but I'm not that guy to be like, I'm this. But you are the guy to be the strong, silent type. Yeah, strong, silent. Yeah, like Clint Eastwood. Oh my God, I would kill. To be on a fly on the wall?

To know what you were like on that date. To hear the conversation. There was none. I'm telling you, I was quiet for two hours. It was wild. So did she talk? A little bit. And you would do one word answers?

Yeah, I thought that, yeah. And later on, you ran into this girl years later, she was like did you hate me you probably ran into where you were drunk and a little bit more like hey yeah she's like i thought you were mute no wow yeah i i think i put her on a pedestal she was very pretty yes and i don't know i was very hung over though too i think that didn't help my choices well Well, I dated someone who I thought was – I put on such a pedestal. We were friends when I dated this person. And Noah, you were too. And just thought like I have to be – I'm going to – I have to like – I and be this guy's girlfriend if I'm not like really beautiful, really graceful, really like just, yeah.

And so it was so daunting. It was so overwhelming. Like I have to get a new wardrobe. It was just like I can't do this shit. It's not going to work. Yeah. I think we have to go to break. Yeah.

Let's find out about it. Yeah. Let's find out right after this. Andrew! I'm a lonely man, but I'm strong and silent. But I'll speak up when he calls me to some. To some. Madam.

Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Good people, what's up? It's Questo, Questlove. And Team Supreme and I have been working hard to bring you some incredible episodes of Questlove Supreme

with guests you definitely don't want to miss. Now, one of the things I love about this Questlove Supreme podcast is we got something for everybody, every type of musical effort. We enjoy speaking to the people who are the face of some movements and some people you've seen on stage or TV or magazine covers. But we also love speaking to the folks who are making it happen behind the scenes, and they paved the way for those that followed. You know, keystones to the culture. This season, we've had some amazing one-on-one conversations, like I'm Pete Bill chatting up with hitmaker Sam Holland, sugar Steve chatting with the legend Nick Lowe,

and I've had pleasures of doing one-on-one conversations with Willow, Sonata Matreya, Kathleen Hanna, and The RZA. These are conversations you won't hear anywhere else. So make sure you go back and you check those episodes out, all right? Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out, we want to raise awareness, and we want this to stop.

Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, and I'm an investigative journalist. When a group of models from the UK wanted my help, I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy model. Lingerie, topless. I said, yes, please.

Because at the centre of this murky world is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his pattern of behaviour. He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it. He's everywhere and has been everywhere. It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated. Together, we're going to expose him and the rotten industry he works in. It's not just me. We're an army in comparison to him. Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

I started to live a double life when I was a teenager. Responsible and driven, and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head.

But one night, a new door opened, and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community. And I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps. Listen to Crumbs as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network, available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Some people won't give you the real talk on drugs, but it's time we know the facts.

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And we're back. What did you just ask me? Madame Tussauds. Oh, oh, you mean a wax figure? Yeah. You said- A plastic figure. You asked me,

you're going to have a plastic figure? Yeah. Oh, did you think I was just talking about more Botox? Well, kind of. I thought maybe a little action figure someday or something. Oh, that'd be cool. Yeah, I'd take it. I wonder if anyone could make action figures of us.

They definitely could. People have 3D printers. That's when you just throw things out. I wonder if anyone could give me a Ferrari. I wonder if you're getting a car today, maybe. I'm not going today. I'm too tired. I already said like you're getting a car today. Maybe. I'm not going today. I'm too tired. I already said

I can't go shopping for one. It's a lot of paperwork getting a car. I can't deal with it. I don't want to do it. I honestly you have to take off you have to take off

four hours of work. You have to carve out an entire afternoon. I could run a marathon in the time it takes for them to fax a couple pieces of paper to who they're just in the time it takes for them to fax a couple pieces of paper to who...

They're just in the back, just hanging out. I think they try to make it seem longer, so when you pay to $40,000, it seems like it's more official. I don't know what... I've ranted about this before, but if I'm paying $40,000 for something, get me in and out.

Treat me well. Yes. It should be like a Venmo. You should go... like a venmo you should go god you should go okay here's two initials you fill you fill out the rest i was talking to chris about this other day i was like i can't buy i don't want to buy a car today i don't have the time i don't have eight hours to spare to to buy a fucking car and he said i was trying to buy a car um there was some uh there's some football game or something that he wanted to watch some race or something and he went to go buy a car and the guy was like let's do it and he goes i need to be done by this time this wouldn't like kick off is and it was like two hours later and the guy was like

we can't get done he goes okay then you just lost a sale it's like what is this really what it comes down to if someone's a car dealer can you fucking tell me why the fuck this takes so long? What are you guys doing? Why is the manager never there? If I'm not financing, if I'm paying cash, why the fuck does it take so long? You're fucking with us? You're trying to make it – because there are some people that like things to just really – they love a drawn-out thing. These are the people that like to wait in line for things because they feel like if they wait in line, if they suffer for it,

much like I was talking about before, then they've somehow earned it more. You know what I earned? That $40,000. I just suffered for the money. I want to get my car and drive away. I don't want to sit in this stark fucking lobby and sit and talk to you about your alcoholism

as you try to relate to me telling me how shit-faced you got last night. I don't want to look at you about your alcoholism as you try to relate to me telling me how shit-faced you got last night. I don't want to look at the pictures of your stupid kids. I don't want to sit there and watch you twiddle with your tie and be all sweaty and gross. I don't want you to talk to me about some deal you made yesterday and about how your boss is so cool and he's on a safari right now shooting elephants. I don't give a fuck. I want my fucking car. And I don't want to go to another office then to talk about all the extras you can give me why don't you tell me

about them right here in the desk we're sitting out why don't we go to another office and i don't want any of your i don't want you to offer me a soda it is not interesting that you can get me a soda oh any soda i want oh you know like i can get that myself i'm paying forty thousand dollars probably twenty thousand dollars too much because everything costs way too much now you can't get a soda I want. Oh, you know, like I can get that myself. I'm paying $40,000 probably $20,000 too much because everything costs way too much now. You can't get a deal to save your fucking life. And I, what is taking so long? I don't know. I just

feel like the strong silent type right now. God, it makes me so mad. I know. I really am not going to buy a car because of it. I want, I'm going to, I'm going to do the thing. Why don't we open a car dealership where no paperwork? Carvana is the solution. Car, no paper. That's where you buy one online and it just drives up and a guy fucking gives you a clipboard.

You sign it and then you pull off in a car. I guarantee you're filling out 100 pages. They pull the car off the thing. They're trying to eliminate this whole thing because it's so annoying. Well, shit. Why do people like to waste their time? People are so slow. They love to fill a day they love to fill a day oh you gotta fill and why is anyone waiting in line why why are you waiting in line for anything i used to wait in line to get in the clubs like hammer just being like once i get in there when you want to eat

don't you just want to eat i will never ever wait more than 15 minutes for a table and the only reason i will wait 15 minutes for a table is because i'm with people who are okay with that and i want to be a good i want to be a good like dinner partner otherwise i would walk away and go to somewhere else waiting in line i just it sucks i'd rather go to it's good because they could get you in but they're creating the illusion of being in demand by making you wait. Oh my God, you really just touched a nerve. I've been to like three different St. Louis restaurants that have open tables and they look at you in the eye

and they go an hour and a half. That is about being understaffed. Don't ruin this. I know, but I get it. Don't take their side, but here's the thing. This is the weird part. They don't have reservations? This is the weird part. You can't have reservations? This is the weird part.

You can't make resis? Some places actually don't have resis. Yeah. The weird part is they go, I'm not bullshitting you. Like four different places this happened. They go, sorry, it won't be for 30, 45 minutes. Swear to God, they sit us in three minutes. So I don't know what's happening.

I don't know what's going on here in St. Louis where they're telling you 40 to make you feel better. I will always side with waiters and waitresses when my dad ever goes there's a table right there I go well you've never been a waiter you were a waiter one day and then a piece of sweat dripped off your nose and went in soup and the guy said to you you're slipping son no you're slipping

slim is what someone said to my dad and he quit that day so my dad doesn't understand what it's like to have 7 tables when you can really only handle 5 and that's why there are open tables because they could only get four people to work that day gen z doesn't want to work we know that old stereotype so no people calling sick you don't have enough people to to cover the restaurant okay i'll i'll handle that yeah i get that it's not the waitress's fault when your food is running late that's the kitchen and it's not even the kitchen's fault they're understaffed too they took the manager maybe set too many tables that they couldn't

handle you know i'm sure there's a car guy saying all this right now to you going actually we gotta do the paperwork but i think it's part of their business model i just don't understand why people are like i look outside a brunch place and people are just hung over hanging out in the sun waiting for a table I'm just like go to fucking anywhere else do you think they're

setting it up so it seems like the demand is higher you see people outside you say 30 minutes I think they're trying to make it I think when they do it

in 10 they make it seem better when you see a line where you don't know what's going on you go what are you guys waiting in line for

yeah it breeds curiosity it breeds curiosity. It breeds like, oh, other people like this. I'm going to like this too. There is a part of that that makes you go, oh, this is popular if you're waiting in line for it. But I just hate waiting, I've realized in my life. My life is scheduled where I have no downtime.

Just twiddling my thumbs, being on my phone. That's why I don't like getting to the airport two hours early. I just want to walk straight from the TSA right to my gate, get on the plane. We had a pilot today. First time. Oh, my God. First time pilot. We didn't know until we landed. Oh, I knew.

A little shaky. I knew. A little shaky guy. How did you know? Well, they told us at the very end we landed. Then he goes, this is our pilots. We just want to say that uh your pilot today it is his first time flying he didn't want me to tell you but i'm gonna embarrass him a little bit and i go you they didn't wait they didn't want to tell us until we landed i knew i knew there was something going on because it was

i flown in enough planes where i it was the first time I was ever in a plane and I started thinking about what happens if we go down. Like I stayed calm. I just like kept my eye mask on. I was like, I can't do anything about this, but I was like, I think this plane is going to crash.

I have to wrap my head around dying right now. It was the first time I've ever felt that way. And it's because, and then as soon as they told us it was his first flight, I was like, wow, that's all coming together we landed like we fell out of the sky and god dropped us yeah it was pretty cool on his toe and goes fuck well they go it's gonna be uh i love when they go it's gonna be a smooth ride

and then five minutes later like hold on for dear life it's like and the takeoff was just like it was a little bit herky-jerky it felt like a kid who learned stick shift the first day yes listen you got there's a first time for everything it sucks though that we're the guinea pigs of this guy's first time i felt bad for the guy because the pilot that told us that he was a new pilot told us that he was going to make him stand at the front so we could all say good job when clearly we landed so it was i fly every day of my life yes it was the worst landing that's i've ever had ever it felt yeah it was very i mean the the the wings while we were going down i don't know it didn't bother me it was just a hard it was just boom you know like really hard

and um so you know it's like the pilot should have waited it's like when you bomb on stage and you gotta stay after and do a meet and greet. Like, that's how it felt. I felt really bad for the guy because he knew he didn't do well. It's like my first pitch. Like, that kid probably flies every day so well. He's done this a million times in preparation for this. It's his first day on the job and he fucking curves it to the right and it goes in the dirt.

And now he's got to, like, go talk to everyone and act like he's not embarrassed about it. But that's how you get your wings. I mean, there's probably something to like, okay, I know it didn't land that well. Now you got to stand out there. Because it was a good job. I mean, you got to do everything for the first time. He was a sweet boy. I was like, you just got to keep getting up.

No, I think there's something to though, like making him stand there, knowing that it wasn't that good to like build. No, I think you don't think. No, I wanted you guys to congratulate him. I don't think he was trying to like make him feel bad. I don't know. I really don't. You think that pilot was trying to like haze him?

Yeah. No way. No way. It was supportive. But I do. I on Twitter. I looked up first pilot pilots, first flight,

because I thought there's gotta be people tweeting about this has happened a lot. And there was a tweet three days ago that was like, uh, you at some point in your life have been on a plane. It was the pilot's first day. It was some like tweet that was like making that comment. I'm like,

Oh my God, it was, it was the airport. It was the airplanes first day. We were on an airplane. Yeah. They're I'm like, oh my God, it was. It was the airplane's first day. Really? We were on an airplane. Really? Yeah.

They're like, oh, this has only been used maybe like one other time. No, I want a plane that still has ashtrays. Exactly. You know. Those are the safer ones because they've been through it, you know? Man, I was going to say something even worse. Well, some of the planes now that crash were so computerized that the pilot couldn't take control back from.

Those are the ones that are like nosedived. What? Yeah. No, no, no. I don't want to talk about that. No, but it is weird when you get on a plane and they have ashtrays. They have just no smoking signs. Why do we need to even hear that? Just stuff that was these planes, but because they have such good maintenance, they last so long.

That's why we can fly in planes from the 70s. They're being worked on every single day. If you did that to your car and replaced everything that needed being replaced, it would still be working too. I just saw a video of a guy that just lit up a cigarette. He was drunk. On a plane? On a plane. And it's just so foreign now to see it.

Oh, my God. The fact that 80% of the planes. You walk by someone outside in a blustery field and they're smoking and you go, fuck you. That's like the rudest thing. Just smoking and walking on the sidewalk. Oh my God. Can you imagine a plane full of fucking smoke?

That's why everyone looks so fucking old from the 60s, 70s, 80s. It was just smoking constantly. I mean, I'm around a cigarette one second now and I'm like, oh God, 80s. It was just smoking constantly. I mean, I'm around a cigarette one second now and I'm like, oh god, I'm aging. It's so crazy. I think it came back a little bit too, cigarettes.

Yeah? With like teenagers and shit. I mean, jewels. Trying to look cool. Yeah. There's something edgy about a cigarette. It does help. They had a cigarette and they were all really cool and I wanted one so bad to be cool but I just couldn't. Yeah.

Because I knew I was just going to leave them and be like, oh. Cigarette is way cooler than a fucking drool. It gives me a headache just thinking about. I remember I smoked my first cigarette. And my mom smoked cigarettes. And I stole one. It was in the bathroom. I didn't even know how to light it. Yeah.

I was just like. Like, just like. I saw someone recently. And I go, wow. She used to have really good skin. Her skin's, like, not good anymore. And I didn't know what it was. I was just like, saw someone recently and i go wow she used to have really good skin her skin's like not good anymore and i didn't know what it was i was just like oh you know smoker and then i saw later on she's addicted to jewels and i'm like these jewels are not harmless they make you look they make you sound like this yeah a lot of people go in the hospital

because of yeah they age you that you think you're getting something better than smoking cigarettes, which I'm sure in some way. I mean, obviously. No, you hit the thing fucking 80 times more than a cigarette. Oh, my God. When we were on FBoy the first time. Oh, yeah. They were all sneaking them in.

There was a guy that Robin witnessed. My hair and makeup girl, Robin, witnessed, he was one of the F boys, and she said that he was pulling from a vape pen and that he never took a single breath of oxygen. Every single breath he took, he would blow it out, again, out, again. She watched him for 10 minutes and he did not smoke.

He did not have one breath of fresh oxygen How fucking insane is that Pretty cool It was cool He won No he didn't Dude I walked through a cloud Sometimes

And I just thought that's my life now That's how big some of the clouds were in New York City I just remember Those ones that have like a little black box on them Yes They look like a little handheld recorder And they're blueberry Like mixed with stripper skin Why does so much smoke come out of those?

I have no idea, but I've gotten in some of these. It's crazy. I literally feel like a plane that's trying to land, and it's like you don't land until the very end. And that's how I fell inside those clouds. What do you mean? Oh, where you're like, where's the ground? Yeah, when it's just so much like fucking do my god

spade has such a good joke about that on his special about the clouds about like landing and like a really really scary flight where he literally almost died on a plane uh on a private jet um and it's about that he landed and the pilot's like we're landing and they're like please don't and they're like we're gonna do it and they land and he gets off the plane and there's no he's he goes there's no other planes it's like and he walks around and he sees like through the fog and like these

like guys that are just standing there like oh my god like two baggage handler guys being like your plane just fell out of the sky like and and he goes where's all the planes and they're like we no one everyone diverted we've diverted like a dozen planes you're the only one and like and then uh he the joke is like but he turns the pilot and the pilot goes yeah they're pussies and he's like smoking a cigarette but the bit is so funny but it's like so um it's all up to

the pilot's discretion i mean like kobe bryant oh that was we don't know who made the argument to like just go through the fog but if they would have just when you see something that you go maybe i might die doing this but i won't i'm always gonna err on the side of i will i'm gonna do that's the opposite of a line. Like the idea that you got to get to like a high school game and it don't matter how we're going to get there. I don't give a shit about any of the caution tape. We're going. Yes.

Like so many people just go and that's how tragic things happen. Sometimes when we are driving on the road, I feel that way. Like when we have like a driver who's just like in a rush to get somebody and you're just like i'm gonna die because this guy wants to get one more uber drive under his belt or something like it's just and then you don't even want to say anything because you're like i don't want to make him mad but then you're like am i gonna die because i don't want to make this guy upset or i don't want to be a backseat driver i can see myself dying like that yeah where some guy's driving like a fucking asshole, and I'm like, hey, it's fine. You know what?

Let you do you. Go off that cliff. It's fine. I know you're not making it. I'd still be falling off the cliff going, dude, that's fucking, I get it. I would have taken this turn too, dude. All right. Let's get to the news.

You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. Oh, man. Apparently, you had a good weekend, I heard, folks. Maybe you didn't. So good seeing so many besties. We had all the swells.

It's Monday as well. We saw hundreds of besties. No, that means it's Monday. Yes. Oh, my God. Like, I almost started crying last night when that girl was crying.

I'm not even kidding. Yeah. It was something. Shout out to everyone who came and did the meet and greets and came to the shows this weekend there were so many besties there we know who you are immediately you don't even have to tell us or be wearing merch you just get a vibe you guys are so sweet so many i got so many

letters so many gifts um people are just like a bandit they give you too much shit and then you gotta go you gotta buy some of them yeah abandoned all right back to you noah so fun well um one california couple's worst nightmare might be nicky's dream come true a california couple returns returns home from vacation to find their house filled with birds hundreds of swallows had invaded the home apparently getting in through the chimney the owner said we opened the door and it's like an Alfred Hitchcock movie

oh man let me show you a picture whoa it's like an Alfred Hitchcock movie oh that's scary they look like almost like hornet's nests

because they're like any kind of animal just swarming is really gross oh wait wait oh I didn't even know I thought those were blinds on top. No.

I thought it was five birds. You thought that was like a decorative garland? I swear to God, I thought that was five birds. Yeah, it looks like Christmas decorations. So there's like a window with, you know, what are those, like blinds? Swallows. And then at the top,

it looks like there's just these hordes of swallows that look like a bunch of hornet's nuts. Oh my God. Yeah, it took over three hours to get all the birds out of the house, which is currently uninhabitable. The furniture, carpets, and blinds were all destroyed. And the worst part is that their homeowner's insurance won't cover the damage. They have an exclusion on the policy in regards to birds. They will not pay the claim.

Wow. It's like your thing with the window. I just really andrew got his window busted in by those thieves and and the insurance would not cover it they're like was it a bird i mean can you imagine not reading to find like it's like uh pigs we got you like like what is this we're burnt like how are birds excluded from this? I know. It probably says animal infestation. Like anything other than

termites, like maybe the classics and there's probably some... Or maybe it means it's common. It's so common that the insurance policies were like, yeah, we're not covering birds anymore. How is it common? I've never heard this. Maybe the insurance companies know

these people that have bird infestations they don't talk about it they're too ashamed also that's so many birds like you ever see like birds they fly together they flock yeah and then they kind of like move like like yeah like smoke like in the wind have you ever seen bees do that any kind of animal just like getting together in a group is so gross. People. Yeah, people. Lions. That's why I don't like lions.

Spread out. That's why I'm not going back to Mardi Gras. I'll tell you that. No, my God. You ever see that where the bees will suddenly just like pick a car bumper and just like the corner of it and they just thousands of them in this little patch it's so gross just Blindly in the blind Yes, I mean, that's what Mardi Gras was Marty. Did you ever go to Mardi Gras? No in st. Louis?

We have a second largest one. Do you really yeah? Is it so you live here? Do we really yep? I'll tell you what There's nothing scarier to me on Bourbon Street and not having control of where you're walking. Like, you're just getting pushed

and everyone's like, what? I'm like, yeah. My sister, she once said, I forget where we were going. There was some concert

or something. She was like, I just don't want to go. I just like hate crowds. And I go, oh brother, I hate crowds. I was like,

who is like, I love crowds. There are people. Really? Yes. Why do you think there's here? I was like, who is like, I love crowds. There are people. Really? Yes. Why do you think there's crowds? Come on. No, people like fun and they put up with the crowd,

but no one likes crowds. I think people like a crowd. People love the energy of New York City. I think it's the same thing of people liking lines. People like things. I cannot understand why they- People go to Times Square on fucking New Year's. Who the fuck does that?

Yeah, that is a bizarre thing. We should do a poll on our instagram i think will you go to time square new years oh will you like crowds no but you know what andrew said last night like you can tell best our besties when we meet them they're never ones that say anything creepy they're never ones that like pitch us jokes that are like really indecent they never try to grab me in a weird way besties always are just like the nicest they're just like normal people i don't think our listeners would like crowds i just trust them to be cooler than that i don't know it is weird like there's just a certain type of person that comes to my show and will creepily rub my back this guy the other night

just rubbing my back like this like behind the, just like trying to do something to me that I would go, wow, that one was special. Yes. I got to find him again. Like you could tell he's just trying to do something. I always see the guy he grabs like near your, near your tit. Yeah. Like just close enough to the tit. Yeah.

Where it's like, he's kind of touching the tit, but you couldn't accuse him of the tit. Yes. Yes. It was like that Ariana. Ariana. Ariana Grande thing with the preacher. Yeah. Areolas, Grandes. Yeah. touching the tit but you couldn't accuse him of the tit yes yes it was like that ariana ariana ariana grande thing with the ariola grande yeah areolas grandes yeah yeah the preacher grabbing like they know right where to grab where it's like you couldn't say anything because they'd be like what oh i didn't know it's the uber driver driving shitty it's just the same thing it's just too much

of a hassle to call it out yeah but besties never do that they're always just they just say nice things they they they cry sometimes and they're like embarrassed of that i'm like no this is awesome i love your emotions don't but just you don't say anything dirty you're not like i gotta tell you didn't love this one thing i saw you on like they always have to say something like you were great but come on well you're thinking about wear something that you're not pulling down the whole time but can you be a little bit more comfortable i would love to see you in more something more comfortable on stage you looked uncomfortable and i'm just like because it didn't fit motherfucker i ate too much last week i'm i am uncomfortable and now i'm even more

uncomfortable because you're calling it out in front of my friends like they always have to say something speaking of awesome besties speaking of awesome besties we had rally send us this story that is incredible rally woman bought a sculpture at goodwill for 34.99 and it was actually a missing ancient roman bust dating back 2 000 years how the fuck did that glazer not telling you how much it's worth your mom now yeah your mom i didn't sell it i'm keeping it so wait so how much was it worth it didn't say i mean it's pretty much priceless um the woman actually is an antique dealer which makes me think that she probably gravitated towards this thing just from her intuition and she bought it in 2018 it had taken years to determine the authenticity of the bust oh wow however after consulting a range of experts she was able to notify the german

government of the finding and made arrangements to return it to the bavarian administration of state-owned palaces the yeah it's like on its way back i think well she first wanted it to the bavarian administration of state-owned palaces the yeah it's like on its way back i think well she first wanted it to be put on display in her home state and then in an agreement was eventually made to allow the sculpture to be put on exhibit at the san antonio museum of art okay and then it's going back all right but is the is the museum paying for it no i bet it's just like, this is like the property of the world or something. I'm selling that shit on eBay. I know, right?

Yeah, dude. I'll say used. Just 9,000 years. I do love when you find a good deal. I've been looking for guitars on Craigslist. What was the best deal you got or the recent good deal? I never get good deals. I always overpay.

Always. Same. I've never once gotten a deal on any, literally anything. I'm not kidding you. I don't, I don't like low balling people. I don't like haggling. I like giving people more than what they kind of want because people are always just trying to like make enough money to just like give my kid a Lunchable.

And I'm like, get your kid the pizza Lunchable. It's on me like i just i don't like being especially people who are like artisans like haggling people to get i don't know what just if you have enough money just pay what they're asking stop this but i know that's how people get rich is being you know frugal like that so high by low but i never get a good deal fucking ever i don't think i've ever once had like oh man i really got paid out for this i've never seeked it out i've never thought i'm gonna go some and find a deal i've never done that my mom i just would rather not

put the work in i can't yeah the only time i've ever made money back on any investment was on accident what was it i bought a watch and i lost everything and i sold the watch back in it and it went up like 900 bucks oh wow yeah oh and the website oh yeah you are you hot but i stumbled into that that was you hot.com i've never gone to like go daddy and been like let me think of fucking some names that i could get for three dollars i'm just not good at investing what about you noah have you ever invested anything that had a good return no yeah i've seen like tiktoks where like the guy will like he's like i make 150 000 a month and he's like this is what i do you see this thing that sells for two dollars at walmart well it sells for four dollars here

so i make that two extra dollars. I just buy it in bulk at $90,000. It's just like, what are you, this is your job? And also, I don't believe you. I don't understand people that sell things on Poshmark that I buy. I'm like, you're selling this dress for $17. You have to ship it. So like, I don't know, what could you be, I guess they're making $17.

Yeah. Which is worth it. But like, to me, I don't think I've ever shipped anything in the past five years. Going to the post office stresses me out so much. I bought a belt today. I got a belt, arrived today. It was a size 30. I'm a 34.

And I went to put it around my waist and I was like, am I a 39? Like I thought I bought a 30. No, I'm just a 34. Wait, you thought you were a 30? No, it was an accident, I guess. They sent you the wrong set? I don't know. I know I could return it.

But this goes back to the whole, what do I do? Do I got to fucking ship it? And then I was like, you know what? I have to go print a label. I don't have a printer. Returning things stresses me out. I'm going to put another hole in it. I bought four pairs of jeans from good american these jeans that they just got me

one fucking instagram ad i bought four pair none of them fit no none of them fit all one size they were all too big uh even though like because it's chloe kardashian and they fucking try to make you feel skinnier so they size it in a way where it's like oh i'm a size two when really i'm a size fucking eight and it's like okay well so you i bought all these jeans they none of them fit yeah and i waited and waited and waited and then the second i go i have i hire someone to return them for me because i'm too stressed out to do it myself i get a text that says i just checked and it's past the time when you can return so i just oh i just spent five hundred dollars on jeans that probably more four pairs of jeans

they were like probably six hundred dollars on jeans and just because i'm lazy i cannot buy things i will not return them i will not return them what's wrong with me it's so funny to think like nothing someone that buys jeans that are too big and and you're like oh i just gotta get fat now like i just gotta yeah like part of me i had a i had a thought i go oh this i'll just you know what i'll just work out more and get into the 30 i will never fit no you'll never 30 but like for a second there i was like i could get into a 30 yes i would have to fucking put a hole i'd have to extend it and put a hole right you have to kill a cow dry out the hide and attach more belts could you imagine if we lived in those times where

you had to like fucking it would be nice because when you got something you would keep it forever yeah you would like honor it oh my god i'm so i well a one a bestie this weekend i saw her and i go oh my god this outfit's amazing and i go where, I saw her and I go, oh my god, this outfit's amazing. And I go, where did you get these jeans? She goes, I rent my clothes. And I go, Rent the Runway? I haven't seen these fucking on Rent the Runway. And she goes, no. This other rent, and she sent me her code. I got 20% off my first month. I'm renting clothes from now on. I don't want to deal with

any more new clothes. But then you have to return rent. But that's so easy. There's literally, we have a FedEx drop-off downstairs. You just throw this shit in a bag unwashed you they give you the label you flip the label that is that i can do standing in line at the post office and then having them type in the zip code do you want to buy insurance for this do you want confirmation do you want like i packaging it wrapping it bubbled like my mom's so good at that stuff she ships she goes to post office every day she kind

of like loves it i don't understand it i can't get it i mean i think an at-home printer could help right but then you have to call them you have to get the shipping label and then i can never find tape and if i do find the tape that it doesn't i can't get it peel it off because it's stuck in a way that it looks like it doesn't even have an end to it do you know i'm saying yes and then i get stressed and then i peel off little pieces of the tape and I try to make it It's a nightmare. I can't do it. This is my ADD. This is like my dirty locker thing.

I cannot return things. I cannot ship things. I'm incapable of it. It stresses me out. I feel like I'm going to get arrested when I go there because I'm going to be doing something. It feels like I'm going through customs. It's too much government. And I feel like I'm being an asshole to the company by returning it. I know I feel like they're going to get in and go and go no we can tell your fingerprints have been on this and you have dirty vagina smelling pussy

fingers or something like they'll just be like this smells gross because it was in your room once this was really funny too i got dress shoes with my luigi i got i finally got dress shoes as a 42 year old man they're too slippery to walk. I don't know who's walking in these things. I literally put them on, and I felt like it was slick shoes. It was a prank. Oh, my God. You ever put those things on your shoes?

In the 90s, there was a workout thing where it would be like a flat surface, and you'd slide from slide to slide. That's what these are. I don't know what to do take them to your f45 class i think what you got to do is i think i gotta wear them out i gotta scuff them up i'm gonna take them to a shoemaker what do you do old cobbler a cobbler and put yeah rubber because they're probably wooden bottoms right yes what do you do oh what the shoe doesn't come wearable did you get a good deal on these shoes?

I mean, they weren't that expensive. I'm not saying the name of the company because they haven't sent me my boots yet. And it's been fucking seven days. And I can't get in touch with them. They're trying to scuff them up to give them time. You know what videos I love? A horse getting his shoes taken off. Oh, yeah.

That's me watching wart videos, dude. It's scraping out. It's like extracting this stuff. That's wart videos. Yeah, me watching wart videos, dude. It's scraping out. It's like extracting this stuff. That's wart videos. Yeah, it is wart videos. If you like watching those hoof videos, you are no different from me. I just go about it in a different way.

That is the same kind of thing. It's hard getting dirt out and all that, whatever that crusty stuff is. Okay, we got to go to break. Let's come back with Why Do I Care? Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with

The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else.

Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Good people, what's up? It's Questo, Questlove. And Team Supreme and I have been working hard to bring you some incredible episodes of Questlove Supreme with guests you definitely don't want to miss. Now, one of the things I love about this Questlove Supreme podcast

is we got something for everybody, every type of musical effort. We enjoy speaking to the people who are the face of some movements and some people you've seen on stage or TV or magazine covers. But we also enjoy speaking to the people who are the face of some movements and some people you've seen on stage or TV or magazine covers, but we also love speaking to the folks who are making it happen behind the scenes and they pave the way for those that followed. You know, keystones to the culture.

This season, we've had some amazing one-on-one conversations like I'm Pete Bill chatting up with hit maker Sam Holland, Steve chatting with the legend Nick Lowe, and I've had pleasures of doing one-on-one conversations with Willow, Sonata Matreya, Kathleen Hanna, and The RZA. These are conversations you won't hear anywhere else,

so make sure you go back and you check those episodes out, all right? Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out, we want to raise awareness, and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, and I'm an investigative journalist. When a group of models from the UK wanted my help, I went on a journey deep into

the heart of the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a playboy model. Lingerie, topless. I said, yes, please. Because at the center of this murky world is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his pattern of behavior. He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it. He's everywhere and has been everywhere. It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated. Together, we're going to expose him and the rotten industry he works in. It's not just me. We're an army in comparison to him.

Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager. Responsible and driven and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened, and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls and relapses.

But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community. And I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps. Listen to CRIMS as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network. Available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Some people won't give you the real talk on drugs, but it's time we know the facts. Fentanyl is often laced into illicit drugs and used to make fake versions of prescription pills.

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Why do I care? Joe Alwyn reveals how Taylorlor swift feels about his racy scenes in conversations with friends what really i bet she's cool about it he does not ever say anything about her so this let me guess whatever he said no offense tay tay i love you so much but you scripted this so let's hear what taylor had to say through joe's mouth because they they're it's true it's they they both collaborate together and they come up with exactly what they're behind this well no because they keep everything private and it's a good move you know what i think it is what it's a great way to advertise the movie without advertising the movie.

Okay. But go ahead. All right. So he says, I mean, she's read the book and she loves the book. She knows it, he told Extra. She just like couldn't be a bigger fan of the project. Okay. So nothing.

He said nothing. Exactly. That's what they always always they never say anything about their relationship i respect it i love it because yeah they're just they're not doing it for publicity if they were they would do what ben affleck and j-lo do and have paparazzi shoot them touring houses on the beach like they call the paparazzi to let them know when they're we're gonna take our daughter to the batting cage like's, that's a couple that loves being in the press. Taylor Swift doesn't, wants to keep this separate.

Now, do you think Taylor 10 years from now would do something like that? 10 years Swift? 10 years Swift. 10 years Swift. You know what I mean? Do you think it's because? No, no, no, no. Yeah.

I think she, in the past she's done stuff. I think in the past when she was less mature, she definitely was okay with being paparazzi-ed. But then she realized it ruins relationships. I'm just thinking that if your career is deflating at all, you would try to do something like that. Or while you're coming up. This girl does not have a hard time going away.

And I know that's maybe because you're like, oh, she doesn't need to worry. She has fans. A lot of times, though, when people are super popular, they worry they're going to lose it so they keep going. I mean, I relate to that.

I'd be scared to go away even if I was super famous because I'd be like, they'll forget about me. She went away for a whole year. We haven't really heard from her for a really long time now even. She didn't go to the Met Gala.

You know she was invited. There's something about that i really respect because i'm like she's turning down opportunities for us to all look at her and admire her and for her name to be in the press and yeah her name is getting in the press because her boyfriend's doing an article because we will take anything we can get because she's not giving us anything do i think that's a tactic no i don't andrew i don't all right let's get to top one, bottom one. The category today is friends. Top one, bottom one, friends. It's unbelievable.

This isn't the Friends cast. No, no, no. Although that could be fun too. Yeah. I mean, I think it's everyone's. That would be an interesting one actually. Should we just switch it? We could do both.

Okay. Okay, so let's start with your bottom friend, the worst friend you've ever had. You don't have to say their name. I want to know. Ross. Not from the show Friends. Is he also your least favorite friend?

Although that guy could go fuck himself too. No, this guy, Ross Sullivan. Right. I think his name was Ross Sullivan. He was this kid, and we were kind of friendly, Ross Sinclair. Yeah, that's his real name coming at you. Maybe we should turn it up when I tell you.

His last name makes sure you just really crystal clear. Yeah, yeah. Let's get that spatial audio for that. We were friendly in high school. He was a year older than me. He was tall and very skinny, and I was very small at the time. And we were friendly in high school. He was a year older than me. He was tall and very skinny. And I was very small at the time. And we were friendly.

And I had a little bit of a big mouth for a small kid. Like, I was funny. Literally a big mouth? Okay. Yeah, it was bigger. I don't know if it was bigger then. It's close. So anyway, yeah, my tongue is still going out of my mouth.

I wish your mouth was smaller for that sentence. As in, like, you couldn't open it. my mouth. I wish your mouth was smaller for that sentence. As in like you couldn't open it. I know, I wish so too. I'm trying not to say like. Okay, so. Oh no. One day after. You've just released.

Yes. Now that you've said it, we're listening for likes. But try not to say like the rest of the episode. Let's all try. Okay. Similar as. rest of the episode let's let's all try okay um similar as uh so um we were in i can't do it fuck it whatever uh so we were in the after gym or whatever he got in my face and he was he called me like a he's like oh fuck your mom like he went off on me like to a bully

to an extent that was about what though why he's like you won't fucking do shit you know he was your friend initially he was my friend why did he turn on you what happened he was just mad at himself for being so skinny i think like he was so scrawny did you say something probably like just jokingly i honestly was thinking back at the story. It was kind of out of nowhere. Maybe we were all kind of razzing each other. But I remember just sitting down. I was sitting down in the locker room. And he was standing above me.

And he's like, you're fucking pussy. You won't do shit. Yeah, you're just going to sit there. And I just remember it was one of those moments where I was like, how am I not fighting for myself right now? And it was like, and he's calling me out, and I want to fight, but I don't want to lose. And he was like, just went in like, you fucking Jew, fuck your mom, fuck your mom.

Like everything. Did people hear it? And they were like, yeah, there were like two other people in there. And I remember, so there were like witnesses to me being a little bitch. And I was like, I just remember looking down like, I just want to fuck it. I got to fight. I got to bitch. And I was like, I just remember looking down like, I just want to fuck.

I got to fight. I got to fuck. And I didn't fight. And then I remember seeing him at a party like five years later. And I was jacked then. And I was like, I'm going to fucking kill him. I still was, I don't know, I envisioned just murdering him at this party. And at that point, I could.

And my buddy talked me out of doing it. And at that point I could, you know. And what happened? And my buddy talked me out of doing it. He's just like, dude, it's not worth it. Also, you're fighting over something that happened. It's just a weird thing to be like, I'm defending my honor. Did you talk to him at the party? No, I haven't talked. I never talked.

I never talked to him after that moment. Strong silent type. Yeah. You're strong silent. And I think I said like 45 times. But. I stopped keeping track silent type. Yeah. You're strong silent. And I think I said like, like 45 times, but. I stopped keeping track.

Yeah. Yeah, we forgot. Wait, Noah, do you have a bad friend? Um, I,

I don't, okay, so currently, I don't have any bad friends, but. Right, I feel like we would not be listing someone that we were still friends with.

Yeah, yeah. So, um, this was was the thing that made this person a bad friend is that i let them into my life and they slowly cannibalized all i had to offer and then they shut me out of it meaning um they became friends with all my friends and then you know like i made sure to invite her because she didn't have that many

friends yeah um and i and i invited her along you know come come I made sure to invite her because she didn't have that many friends. And I invited her along, you know, come hang out with us, come sit in on this podcast with us, come do all these things. And then slowly I find out that, oh, you all hung out this weekend and nobody invited me. Oh, boy. Oh, no. And I would always like. Did you kick her ass? I just had to stop being friends with her and i did and i told my friends i was like um because we did a podcast together and i'm like i can't have her

on the podcast anymore because i don't want anything to do with her and she would talk shit about me behind my back i didn't even like all i was was just giving to her in in my opinion unless weird there was something else but it was you know she was just like a the type of person that would take and take and take and take yes but i had a lot of yeah and she had a lot to entice my friends with like she had her own house she had a car that she would drive everyone around she had did you ever really like her though because i feel like these a lot of these relationships i did i you did what what did you like about her what like drew you to her in the beginning she was very like just a naturally funny and bombastic person just really loud she was a big fan of radio and i was working in radio and she you know she loved listening to opie and anthony

and i would tell her stories what was happening down the hall so she just like loved to hear that stuff yeah and you know and and she was just like a a girl that i had never been friends with before um she also had this weird like crazy sexual side she'd like join this website called collar me and she would tell me about all these like strange that is a counter she had interesting friend what do you put a collar on and like it like treat it like a dog is that what happened well i feel like eventually she tried to like dominate me you know because it was just in her personality oh you'd be the collar i yeah i was the bottom she was the top oh my god so glad yeah what's she doing now like do you still do you did you block her do you like think about her ever my friends stayed friends with her which

i had to accept um and i i couldn't fault them for it why didn't she do it to them too or did she i don't know or is there something wrong with you i'm just kidding yeah there's a lot wrong with me no it's you're the nicest ever i can't i can't imagine someone not being friends with you it just doesn't make sense to me. At the same token, this was like in my late 20s and I was not emotionally intelligent at all. So I don't know. I could have been doing or saying something

without even realizing it. Yes. Yes. And then never have a conversation with her. Never. No. About it. We just ghosted each other and just never spoke again i

have a lot of adult friends lately who have um had girls you know mostly women who have girlfriends who all they do is bitch about them all they do is complain about these friends doing weird things taking advantage of them stealing from them and in myriad ways just just being rude being just taking taking taking and these people are very cunning and they're good at what they do because that's how they've gotten by in life is like being your friend get like showering you with affection and then taking and taking digging and always making things seem like it's your fault and like i had one friend one friend, I'm not joking you, this is a real story. Her friend was staying at her house

because she had found out she was like, she reached out to her friend because she knew my friend was in the city, even though she was like on vacation there or like staying with someone at this like awesome house. And she knew my friend was there. She just reached out randomly to be like, just thinking of you.

She goes, what are you up to? And my friend is like, oh, I'm actually in, you know, San Antonio, wherever the fuck she was. And she goes, I'm here too. Knew she was there. Oh my God, my hotel just fell through. Like all this crazy coincidences needs a place to stay. Of course, so she gets my friend to let her stay

at the place she's staying at because the place is her boyfriend's. And so my friend is able to offer a room. And so she does. And then, this is not a joke, a separate occurrence. This friend stayed at my friend's place while she was out of town. A pair of shoes arrived from Zara, a package. She opened the shoes and wore them.

Has anyone ever heard of anything like this i'm just and this person remained friends with her and because she kept always this girl was so good at making it seem like she was doing nothing wrong she didn't understand oh no i didn't know that would hurt you steal from her constantly jewelry would go missing and then she'd see her friend wearing it and be like no you lent this to me shit like that and it was like it just happened recently where i told her because she was talking about this friend i go you got to be done with this i can't be i honestly can't be friends with someone who gets mistreated this way like i'll say something on my podcast and

hopefully this girl hears wait so who's your your bottom friend my bottom friend i mean i have a couple that are just too i just don't want I just don't want them back in my life. So I don't want to talk about them on here. I have actually several that you just have to eventually, you just realize like, oh, this is, this friendship is not, doesn't go both ways. Things are not, this person, or you just realize, I don't think I i like this person i don't really like hanging out with them i hang out with them out of obligation to be nice and that's not good enough like you it is nice for you to be nice to people that need friends to go visit old people who are you know stuck inside and if someone has the ability to make friends and it's just a bad friend never ask you about yourself

when they do they make it about themselves all of these things that's on them free yourself it is not up to you to remain friends with that person it took me a long time to do that you don't have to tell this person anything you can do what a friend did to me one time when she didn't want to be friends with me anymore and said babe i just need some space right now that is a gentle way to let someone down in a way that's like i just need space from you and then that space can there's no time limit so you can just that can last forever so i've used that that was used on me once before and then the worst friend i ever had though was like my uh was this girl in third grade who was like best friends with my best friend and she convinced my best friend to like hate me and tell the class that i wet the bed and call me a bitch and all this stuff

and she was in third grade though i mean that but that was my first like they were my only friends and then i had no friends and then thank god kirsten came along but yeah that was and then um and then the my least favorite uh friend from the show friends is phoebe and joey because they literally by the i don't know fifth season are if you had a friend that was that stupid you would say they've been exposed to lead or they had many traumatic

brain injuries you would not remain friends with someone that was that dumb and I just hate how dumb they are and how like they're kind of like mean and they don't really like they're just stupid all the time and I'm like why are you guys hanging out with these people? And also, Monica sucks too. She's always just yelling about everything.

And like, don't put your bag there. And Rachel, you do this. It's just like, you suck. You're always like, you're too OCD. Get help. Maybe I don't like any of them. Ross was like a little whiny bitch. I loved Ross.

Even though he was a whiny bitch. He does like dinosaurs though. And your boy lovesiny i loved ross even though he's he was a whiny bitch he does like dinosaurs though and your boy loves it and rachel was a liar they all lie to each other no show can exist without lies being told all the time it sitcoms normalize lying and lying is unacceptable friendships relationships just don't you just don't need to lie and like i'm so tired of watching like quote-unquote good friendships the new girl any show there's just constantly lies being told i understand like a 30 rock or a veep where these characters are inherently kind of like in bad businesses where you're supposed to lie and that's what it's about but when it's supposed

to be like we love these people and we want to mimic their lives the that is not good to have them constantly lying you can have a storyline without lies what was your best friend uh i have like for each decade i have like a new one you know what i mean so like i have my middle school my high school pick one and why this is tough because i have a lot of really good friends and they're all they're all like they've been nominated. There's a camera on each of them right now waiting to hear who you're going to choose. And they're going to all have to applaud politely. Do you remember on MySpace you had like six friends you could choose?

Top eight. Oh, yeah. That was very crucial. Then it went to 16. Yeah. Yes. I would have to say. Yeah, that's. Oh, went to 16. Yeah. Yes. I would have to say. Yeah, that's, oh man.

Oh, fuck. This is tough. I would have to go with Danny Colantrelli. I've never even heard that name. That's how good of a friend he is. You respect his privacy so much. Yeah, except for right now. No, I've told you about Danny.

He's from the Irish Catholic family. He went to West Point. I've told you. I lived at his house. Irish Catholic family. He went to West Point. I've told you. I lived at his house. Maybe you're my least favorite. Yeah, I mean, God. Let's go back to the beginning. I've told you about him.

We'd have sleepovers. He's the one that fucking, they found. No, actually, I can't tell that story. What do you like about him? Why is he your top friend? Well, they took me in as a family, kind of, when my parents were fighting so much. And they were closer to my high school.

And he was the coolest kid. He was the quarterback. He was the point guard. What's he doing now? He actually runs an air conditioning company and is very successful and has three kids. Yeah, that's a good business to be in right now. He went to West Point and spent two years in Afghanistan. Wow. Yeah, he was always way better than me. So, that's a good business to be in right now. He went to West Point and he spent two years in Afghanistan.

Wow. Yeah, he was always way better than me. So he's just a good friend. He and his family took you in when you were down and out. Yeah, and then he's one of these friends where I call him and it's nothing but laughs. We catch up, right? Like there's no – I've never had a conversation with him

where it was like awkward or anything it's just silly and non-stop laughter and if i needed money or if i needed like if i really needed something it wouldn't even be a it wouldn't even i wouldn't even have to say more than three words for like there to be like a venmo coming at me like or like you know one of those words like three of them are but you know what i mean yes that's a yeah it's just like one of those you just you're just it it's it just you mold so well together that it's it's not god ari finling really like shot the bet on this well he fucked up when he tried to you know ari and i are actually speaking like we were always very a little bit competitive in a good way in a fun way about like friends because you go to new york you get into the open mic world you know what i mean and then it's like then you could actually

get a little bit of jealousy if one gets on a show and there's that whole that shit oh and then one's hanging out with this comic one. And yeah, there's competition. When you're in the same industry as your friend, there tends to be that. Yeah, but I love... I mean, Ari would be... He'd be top 30 at least. No, but Ari's up there.

Ari's top five. Yeah, Ari's amazing. Yeah. Final thought. Who's your best friend? Noah, who's your best friend? Okay, it's not best. Don't say Nikki.

That's cheating. Top. We couldn't. So I think of like top shelf friends, which is a term that Nikki coined. Yes. So I have a lot of top friends. I'm going to choose my friend Monica.

And it's because she came into my life when I only had like one other girlfriend. I was like in the metal scene. I was hanging out with a lot of dudes and Monica was like this like fairy that came into my life. She was so like feminine and giggly and she was so positive all the time.

Even when something bad happened, the way she would talk about it was so funny that she taught me this is what it's like to be positive and like not mad at the world and be feminine and we had one like really great night where we got so high and we went out and she took me to like a bar that i would never go to and we met these guys we got in a car with them we got it we went to another bar we were just like what the fuck did we do and we just had so much fun talking about it the rest of the night um and uh she's my top friend because she she she she kind of gave me an example of something that i wanted to aspire

to be which was a lot more positive less pessimist and adventurous and just like saying yes to things yeah exactly and just like being bubbly and upbeat that's a good answer a great friend that pushes you to be better that's a great fucking friend fuck without the intention yeah just yeah without the yes yes just by doing just by action an example yeah that's kind of like your friend andrew because you said that he was like the quarterback and his family was really close. It was something you aspired to have. He pushed me to be better and also to not fucking whine about shit.

I've never heard him complain. Even when he was going, I've never heard him. He's never once been like, I don't know what I want to do. It's just like stoic. That is. Almost to a fault probably, but yeah. know what I want to do. It's just like stoic. That is. Almost to a fault probably, but yeah. A really good friend. Yeah.

Okay, Nikki. I'll say Sabrina Jaliz because in the tone of what we were talking about, she was a friend that like, because I was going to pick some, I was kind of thinking of people who even before they met me, they were already like my best friend. And there's a couple people like that, like Schumer, Sabrina, and then a couple of girls that I've met through eating disorder recovery. But I met her in person before when we became friends. Sabrina and I had a correspondence relationship where we became best friends through the mail and MySpace.

Oh, I see. It's like a pen pal first. correspondence relationship where we became best friends through the mail and myspace oh i see where you're oh okay like i didn't know i became best friends with them before we met got you like i was we were already best friends and we were saying best friends you know sleepless in seattle situation yeah and i met sabrina my i guess it was 2005 on myspace she found me in a sarah silverman fan club on myspace and she saw my picture and like members of like the you know you could be like a fan page and she found me in the pictures and i had like i was holding a microphone in my picture and she was like who's this bitch because we were both young comedians she lived in toronto and she clicked on my picture and then i think she sent me a message or i said like somehow we send each other messages then we send each other our like demo tapes like our like our stand-up tapes because we didn't have stand-up online at that

point this was 2005 I was still in college wait you mailed it yeah we mailed it in the mail mailing I know back in the day I don't know how I did that but she I was just I was obsessed with her and she was so funny we used to talk on the phone all the time. She got me, she got me through a really hard breakup. She would send me videos just to like make me happy and laugh. And like, she would just like play songs about when I was going through the Pete Lee breakup. She sent me this song that was like,

she had her friend play guitar and she just like rapped on this song. That was so funny and just so uplifting. She would send me like care packages and she just became my best friend overnight and um and i helped her through her dog was attacked one day and like almost died and we were just there for each other during like really trying times and um and then uh and then i finally met her when um 2007 i went to the montreal comedy festival and she went there to like from toronto to go hang out i think she was maybe doing some shows there but i remember i got in the night before

and i went to her hotel room because i didn't have one yet and i showed up at the door and she like opened the door and i was like and i think i said oh my god this is what it looks like when you talk like we were just both like so like i love you and then um yeah it was just the best night we like i i instantly like knew her like as soon as she opened the door we were best friends and it was the same for amy too like amy and i met on myspace and didn't meet until actually that same festival montreal comedy festival because she was there too as a new face and we met in the lobby of the hyatt and you know so you're on the same new face show as amy yeah oh my god yeah i know you're on the

same line like the same yeah and she was already blowing up because she was on last coming standing that season but i had met her before she was on last coming standing i had been on last coming standing before she had but she made it to the top 10 i only made it top 40 uh i think the year before her how did you do on that show top 40 no no no no how did you do on the jfl oh did not well no i was like anorexic i was drunk every night i i had fainted on stage preparing to go there i was just so nervous and i um i had a joke at the time that was like did you guys know that there's this website that you type in your zip code and it tells you every sexual offender in your area myspace.com or no match.com that was the joke

yeah and robbie prau who was the head of Just for Laughs at the time, was like, for us, Match.com is not a thing here in Canada. That joke is not going to work. It was my opener. He was like, you've got to say Facebook. It'll work for Facebook because here Facebook is what it will work. And I was just – I would not do it. I just didn't trust him. I couldn't understand how Facebook would ever fit that joke.

It doesn't fit it. But it does in Canada. It did. He was right. And I didn't say it. And it just set me up to have a bad set the rest of the time. I should have trusted him. You do have to change jokes when you go to Canada.

They can get some of our references, but it helps to say grade 11 instead of 11th grade. It'd be funny if you said Facebook. Just respectful. Or you said match and you're like, how about Facebook? You try to recover. I I could see yeah honestly that would have worked if you were just honest about it like if you said I would have just even come out and said like I'm bombing and I'm too skinny and I don't know what I'm doing here that would have I would have killed

but it was just like this awkward set yeah there's so much pressure there I was also in the same lineup as Kurt Metzger Tommy John againigan, Tom Segura, Amy Schumer. Oh, my God. This is like. This one guy that's the most famous fucking comedian in the UK. Like, he is. He's worldly famous. And he was at the time, too.

This woman that was like in her 70s or something. Tom Papa was our emcee. Because there's always like a famous comedian who does the emceeing. But it was just. I mean, it was. It was insane. I mean, that's an insane lineup. Julian McCulleing. But it was just, I mean, it was insane. I mean, that's an insane lineup. Julian McCullough.

Who else was on it? Yeah, it was. This is like your, for those who don't know, Just for Laughs is the comedy festival in Montreal. And if you get the Montreal Comedy Festival as a new face, it's like your introduction. That's like your quinceañera for show business. There's all these agents there.

And you are the fresh talent. And this is your first audition for the industry. And there's so much pressure for this one set that you do and you're kind of pitted against whoever else is in your class but my class was all these people had been doing comedy you know 10 years longer than me some of them you know five years they were all just like so good i was good for how long i've been doing it but i don't even doing it two years so that's my story stick it to it sabrina julies that's i it's so funny that neither like i never even knew you were that close with her i'm not saying that because really you never heard danny i just i've heard you say

her name in a bit but i didn't even know you were friends with her get out i swear i knew you were friends with her man that's so funny. Yeah, she was one of my best friends for years. I would think Anya would be your best friend. Well, yeah, she is. She's probably really her, too. It was top friend, not best friend. I mean, I was just trying to think of a friend that I had met before.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. It was just in the way that you were describing of picks you up and is like, we're going out. We're doing this. Sabrina's always positive. Like, yeah, we'll do this. We're going to do this. Let's move to New York.

Let's do that. She's doing this. Sabrina's always positive. Yeah, we'll do this. We're going to do this. Let's move to New York. Let's do this. She's just, God, she's amazing. Any endeavor you have, like stand-up or something that's outside the box, you need one person to push you and make you feel like it's normal to have this insane dream. Yes. If you do it on your own, I mean, some people do. I don't know how.

There's some people. I remember seeing Trevor Noah before he got The Daily Show, and he walked into, like, some shitty bar show. He went, like, right up wearing a leather jacket. I'm like, who the fuck is this? But he already had this confidence, because he was famous in South America. Yeah. Or South Africa.

He was, like, floating. Yeah. He's so good. He didn't need anybody. I sometimes watch these YouTube videos of him answering questions in between segments. Do you ever watch those? Yes. He's brilliant. I've never read his book. Did you see his? No, I didn't see his. I haven't seen his

specials. I don't know what's wrong with me. Oh, no, I didn't see the Correspondents Dinner or whatever it was. But yeah, he's special. We gotta go. Oh, Daily Jaboukie. Oh, yeah. Where you watch and you're like, oh, you don't need one friend. You don't even need. Yeah, I always say to them, what, did your mom hug you or something? What's going on here?

Why do you like yourself so much? Okay, we got to go. Thank you for listening to the show. Are we doing a wrap? Oh, yeah. We got to go. Listen, it's not going to snow. It's hot as hell here.

It's going to be 94. Damn. It really is going to be 95 today. The sun is out. The clouds be partin your boy be shartin when he starts fartin but never call the cops

because that shit don't smell I've never smelled once I ain't going to hell I've never smelled once I gotta go okay don't be cut and

Jacks on me Jack on me Jack three Jack on me. Jack, on me. I need to come in a day or two. We're really running out. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show

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You are cordially invited to... the hottest party in professional sports. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour, tips to help improve your swing, and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership

with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex and love. That's right. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to navigating our 30s, tackling the complexities of modern relationships, and engage in thought-provoking discussions that challenge societal expectations. From groundbreaking interviews with diverse guests to relatable

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