The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #217 Berry Of Entry

Episode Date: May 12, 2022

Nikki is back on the Veep train. Andrew has a Floridian slip while Nikki is anxious about having to work with organizers. She likes to have benchmarks but not notorious neighbors. You Heard It Here First, funeral proposals, drunken cheating and exorbitant birthday parties. They hear a story of ecstasy and punk rock in Andrew's Succinct Short Story Circle Segment and in the Final Thought Nikki is shocked that Andrew doesn't know how to "turn Japanese".See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. It's Nikki. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. How y'all doing?

Sounded really congested today. I don't know what's going on. Maybe allergies, which is the cutest way to say allergies. Allegories. That's another way. Yeah. That's another way. Yeah. That's the story of the allergy. What is an allegory?

I think you're going to tell one later. It's a story about allergies. It's a story about Al Gore. That sounds cute. What happened to him? He really came up for like a year and then you never heard from him. I think he's probably still out there doing stuff. I started watching Veep again, speaking of Veeps, last night.

Chris came over and we were like, what do we want to watch we need a new show we just finished ultimatum which i really recommend couples watching because you just like figure things out about your relationship based on whose side you're taking and then you understand you understand like how men would perceive something it's just it's a way it's a healthy way to get into arguments that doesn't have any there's no stake in it because there's people you don't know you're like arguing through those people's dilemmas yeah kind of and it just helps you see things yeah their way um but we were trying to find what else to watch and we were going through so much stuff i'm like what about um don't fuck with cats i was like because i watched that with you and uh came in long enough ago

and Chris had never seen it. And I was like, I know that's one that like, it sounds like you don't want to see it because you hear about the cat's dying scene or whatever. It's just too much. That documentary is fucking amazing. Yeah, it was dope. It's like, Tinder Swindler person made it.

It is so, we watched it and we're like, why did it take us so long to watch this? So I want to watch that again. And he was like, I don't know if I'm up for, you know, YouTube cat murder. And I'm like, yeah, I'm not. I just ate. So we, then it was like West Side Story

because we had both wanted to see the new one. And then I'm like, oh, I don't know. Ansel Elgort. I'm just, I feel like he got canceled recently. Canceled Elgort is what I'm calling him. He did something weird that I don't even know. But I'm just like i don't feel like looking at his face and then um and then we were gonna watch i forget anyway we settled on

like we always do we're like do you want to start veep again now when you start veep do you start season one episode one oh yeah because i've been watching veep highlights recently just to celebrate like when i can't sleep and stuff and how funny not to celebrate i can't sleep but just like bask in how funny it is. And I feel like that's been cheating because I just am getting every, it's like every best line from Veep and it literally is every line.

It's just like watching the show because it's so good. There's no dead lines. There's no stopping. There's no pausing. It made me want to watch it because yesterday I listened to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend um because i yesterday i listened to um conan o'brien needs a friend that podcast i listened to the john mulaney episode because i'm on the conan subreddit people were like oh my god john mulaney is so quick and so funny and i'm like i just gotta

i gotta bask in it admire it just like you know bow down and i went and listened to it and i was listening to it when i was running and i could not I could not listen I had to stop listening because my body would get like limp and I'd be like oh I can't get up this hill because I was laughing so hard it's just so fun and I was like as soon as I listened to one segment of theirs like I was

in my own head being so much funnier like quicker and I was like I need to listen to more of this stuff it's like going to the gym for comedy what you expose yourself to is what will make I at least for me I get funnier with when I watch funny things I like start thinking in that kind of rhythm I like I want to be it so bad that I find a way to like chameleon it so I really recommend the latest podcast I sent Noah a clip from it because there was a part where John was talking about having kids and with conan and they were describing um what it's like and he was saying conan said that when andy richter had had kids before conan had had his kids conan was like

what's it like and andy was like it's like seeing the world in color like before you're seeing it in black and white it's like in the wizard of oz when she steps out and it's like suddenly the world is colored that's what it's like there's just a giant shift and then john said i just love it because you walk around with your baby and like you get to it's like watching a movie that you really love with someone who hasn't seen it and you get to see the movie again for the first time through their eyes which and then i sent the clip to noah because um she had said that that's why she wanted to have kids. Because I go, what's the reason to have kids?

It's like, oh, you get to experience these things for the first time. He was like, I never liked trees or yards or the outdoors. I'm an indoorsman. He was like, now I'm like my baby. You can just watch this baby look at trees and be like, ah, with wonder. I mean, I could get a baby. First watching Veep with you, your little baby. Well, he's seen it before, but it'd be,

don't fuck with cats. Oh yeah, or don't fuck with cats. Yeah, you wanted someone to have a new experience. I mean, it just sounded like, you know, hanging out with someone who's doing mushrooms though, really, because that's what. Yeah, babies on acid. They just like, yes.

Imagine seeing, yeah, you're seeing everything for the first time in color, literally. Have a baby or just hang out with a friend who's doing acid in the park and then just go to a fish concert and eat goo goo balls or whatever the hell they're called goo balls or goo balls i've never heard of that it's some kind of weed concoction one time this we were at a fish show and um this guy came up to us he was all like on acid and stuff and he's like hey man my friend just got beat up by the cops can you spare some money to help him get him out and my buddy looked at

him he goes have you ever thought about joining a fraternity and the guy was like so fucked up that he couldn't it was such a weird response to tell a guy that's like oh fuck man did he do it on purpose yeah he was an asshole fuck with him yeah he fucked with a cat man on google balls i don't know it was fucked up but it was very funny at the time because it's just such so much yeah i've yeah it's it was rude and mean and i don't think we gave the guy money to help his friend get his friend out of, but the kid joined the fraternity and he ended up becoming president. But it's just, have you ever done that to someone where it's like,

I don't know. I've never done that to someone, but I've had, I've misheard people and thought they said something really weird when I, I've had that moment of like, what did you just say to me? Where, well,

one time we were going to Six Flags when I was a kid and it was raining really hard and it was probably 1995 so it was like after Jurassic Park had come out that's kind of contextualizing it and the kid that was at the gate that we like pied the tickets before we drove in he said to my dad

welcome to Jurassic Park and my dad thought he said get your ass in the park and I remember my dad being like wait what'd your ass in the park. And I remember my dad being like, wait, what'd you say? Just like kind of like, yeah, like he said it in a friendly way. So my dad wasn't like, but he was just surprised that he would say this when there's a bunch of kids in this car. He goes, he goes, welcome to Jurassic Park. I thought you said get your ass in the park.

And we thought that was the funniest damn thing ever. Dude, that reminds me. I was on a cruise and the lady had an accent that was, she goes, do you want a silver in a glass? Silver in a glass? Seam in a glass? No, we kept thinking she was saying silver in a glass, but it was a souvenir glass.

I don't know. It was just one of those things. I was so silly. Or you go to Moe's, you know, the taco place, and they go, welcome to Moe's. But it sounds like we're closed. Oh, yeah. I don't know.

Just another silly. I thought someone used to say that the Subway I went to, the guy one time said, I walked in and he goes, I work at Subway. And I just go, what? And he goes, welcome to Subway. I go, oh, I thought you said I work at Subway. Like, you have to announce it. I walk in. Dude, I worked at a cheese.

You know, I worked in grilled cheese for a while in New York and the manager they hired was this very flamboyant, loud guy who was trying to show that he was in charge. Is that a way of saying gay without saying gay? I don't know if he was gay. Oh, but flamboyant. Okay, usually flamboyant connotates, but I'm just checking.

Yeah, I don't know if he was a gay. I mean, did I add an A in there? A gay man? You could just throw man and then it sounds less inappropriate. Yeah, a gay. I did not mean to say that. That's like saying a black. I know. But if you say a black person, boom, you're okay.

Yes, it was not. That was a Floridian slip. Sure, sure. So. Is that a Freudian? Yeah. That's not bad. That's good.

Okay. Quick. Quick. Whoa. That's not bad. That's good. Okay. Quick. Quick. Turtle rabbit. Damn. So, wait. Oh, so every time he's like, I want you to be. I was the cashier.

And he's like, he wanted me to do welcome to Moe's kind of thing. Oh, like the, you know, Stone Cold Cold Creamery. Stone Cold Sea Boston Creamery where they have to like cheer and Creamy where they have to cheer and clap when you tip. No one wants to do that. The enthusiasm of like, welcome to Bob's. It feels so fake and contrived. And I get it. I don't think it puts the customer in a good mood.

I feel like they're going to yell that. They say it to me at Starbucks sometimes. I know Starbucks partners out there. What are they saying? Welcome to Starbucks. I don't hate it. I think if you're on the other end you've worked at a restaurant it just if i don't know i'm so real you know that yeah you were this

you know quiet and so it's like welcome to the melt shop welcome to the man and i and it was like the opening so there was thousands of people coming in like literally say it so many times dude i was having panic attacks to say it no when the line was so long as the cashier you don't think a cashier would be a hard job like but when there's a thousand like literally like hundreds of people no i believe it would be for you yeah it was and i kept looking at the line i kept trying to do an operating system that you don't understand holy shit new to new york and i was gonna job there i knew the owner okay this guy spencer I kept trying to do an operating system that you don't understand. Holy shit. New to New York. Oh, boy.

How did you get a job there? I knew the owner. This guy, Spencer. Same birthday as me. From Mount Clair, New Jersey, where we just were. Yeah. Yeah, he just gave me a job. I was sleeping on a couch for six months.

How did that end? Poorly. You had a panic attack? I had a panic attack, and I just left. And I go, I can't be here. The manager, a different manager who was even above that, had this, like, energy of, like, your work is 15. Like, just this, like, stuff that's not needed.

Like, you're adding to something that's already stressful. Yeah. So you're projecting your stress of, like, trying to, like, rein things in by like trying to control everything yeah and i just don't do well in that environment i was just like i'm i just i can't be here right now i'm she goes if you leave you're not coming back and you're fired and you were like thank god i was like uh okay could you have said that earlier i was like i'm going out i'm leaving What was so stressful about it?

My brain was just. Yeah, you weren't going to do well in any. Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't have done well on a bench by myself with no line at that time. That was your new job after that? Well, I had a job. What do you think he would have been good at? Nothing. I mean, besides comedy, if you could have like, well, not any job that you enjoy, but what job would you be good at like nothing i mean like besides comedy if you could have like well not any job

that you enjoy but what job would you be good at i'm a good coach coach i'm good with like i'm not the head coach i'm a good assistant coach yes where i don't have hilarious to want to be an assistant coach well that's what i am on this show yeah i guess that's right but like but you have your own team over you have your own team downstairs no i know i i look where brenna's the assistant coach you know like you have aspirations to be a head coach in that in this world i do in under as long as the head coach doesn't have a big team. I was just talking about this to Chris last night, where we were talking about I'm hiring these interior organizers to organize my life.

And I'm just stressed out about like, we got into kind of a, not an argument, but a disagreement. We got into just a stalemate an argument but a disagreement like he we got into like just a stalemate of like we both weren't feeling each other because he had set up like he had organized these people to come in he had called them i met them i met them here but he was here when they like he did everything to get these women to come into my life and organize my house and they're like two women like from the home edit if you watch that netflix show they're like build you shelves and they do everything and my thought was that when he chris brought this up i was like yes please and like they would just

do everything and i wouldn't have to do anything that's not the case but once i get once chris called me with like okay i talked to them about like they you know surveyed everything and then they gave a quote it was a lot more expensive than i thought it was going to be and which is fine and i think i've talked about this before but he goes and they'll come in like let's find three days when you're in town he gave me three days and i go i'm in town those three days i want them to do it when i'm not in town he's like well you have to be there and i was like then i don't want to do this yeah yeah and i was like okay then i'm just gonna hire my friend to do it because i my friend i can just leave even though it won't be as good, I can just leave her, and she won't be mad at me.

She'll just be like, oh, that's Nikki. She doesn't want to deal with this. You want a home improvement situation where the family leaves and the bus moves and it's done. That I don't even know what's happening. It's a surprise. You should just get on HGTV and have them do it for you. I know.

It would be pretty awesome to do that because i feel like i could do on the home edit like the celebrity edition of of this kind of thing i would have no problem having cameras come in but i do feel like i'd have to be there for that even and i don't want to be there for it and he was like and and so then he so he told me pick three days when you're in town and i was like i can't i don't want to be there for it he's like well you have to be there for some of it so then he so he told me pick three days when you're in town and I was like I can't I don't want to be there for it he's like well you have to be there for some of it so then he goes okay so I got it so like why don't you just make it so it's they work two days when you're not there but the first day you're there so you can kind of just direct them and so he took the original thing that was way too much for me and he whittled it down to like just work them with them for like three hours

one day and what he didn't know was that that was also too much. But I felt like he's already done me this huge favor of negotiating that. Organizing the organizers. That he doesn't have to, that Nikki is a little bit weird. And so now he's, because I'm always someone who's like,

I don't like to be a burden. I don't like my anxieties and my weird things to like make people like, I don't know. I just felt bad that like he already was like called them back and was like can she be there for like just one day instead and you guys can be there alone the rest of the days and but what he didn't so i as soon as he said three hours in my head he's thinking i got it down to three hours that's nothing she can do that and in my head I go that's I thought it was zero it's zero or nothing I don't want to be involved I will put the things in the room that I yeah that I want in there I'll put each item I'll throw it in the room and then

they organize it and I leave like I don't want to go through each thing and hold up a shirt and be like yes no oh what's yes because I don't care about shoe i don't i have no i have no preference there's if you go nikki what would you like your closet to look like i have no starting point to give you i don't have any you know this is and i feel this so much i just i just want to put myself out there nikki if i know you so well if you want me to come to st louis and be there with these people i can totally do i used. I loved cleaning my friend's house. I have so many friends like you

that are willing to do that. But Chris was like, it's okay that you don't. And I go, because he was upset that he had done all this work to get these women. And then I go, I'm just going to have my friend do it. He didn't know my inner panic of like, I can't even do three hours because I felt bad saying to him, I can't do three hours because i felt bad saying to him i can't do three hours because he'd be like well who do you think you are that

you can just not talk to people that are working on your house like you have to be pleasant and let them in and say hi you know like and that's all the things i'm projecting onto him thinking about me thinking i'm like too big time to like even talk to like people but that's not the case but the thing is i don't like to talk i have anxiety even talk to like people. But that's not the case. But the thing is, I don't like to talk. I have anxiety about talking to people. And like they, if a maintenance man comes over,

I don't want to be here for it. If someone comes over to fix the studio, I don't want to be here for it. I don't like, cause I feel like I have to be like, do you want some water? Um, what about the,

would you want these cords over here? I don't know. I don't care. I have no preference. There are a lot of women listening to this podcast. And Chris is like, why do you have so much shame about not wanting to be involved in this? And I'm like, why do you think? Because every single woman I know, Noah, every woman I know, men, there's most men I know too love organization.

I do not know a single woman who doesn't have a cleaner room than me, who doesn't like to decorate, who doesn't like to pick out wallpapers, who doesn't like to pick out paint colors, who doesn't like to pick out couches. I don't like any of that. And it makes me feel like I'm not a woman. It makes me feel the way men feel when they are emotional. It makes them feel a little gay. Like you might be feminine, which is like the worst thing to be as a man is feminine. That's how I was like trying to chris to understand the way it feels for you to get really emotional and to say your feelings is the way i feel when i'm forced to do something home repair-y that's supposed to just be like this natural thing for me to have you know whenever i

design a set for my specials they're like so what do you want the background to look like that every male comic i talk to goes oh i never like weigh in on that i don't care and for some reason women are expected to have some sort of like opinion when it comes to style and what they like and what they don't like when it comes to aesthetic stuff and i am not a woman that cares about that stuff and i don't even know i don't he goes just what like what's a color you like i'm like i don't go i don't care about anything i don't care about i don't care about shelves i don't want to learn about shelves i have no curiosity about shelves i'm not scared of shelves i don't care but you know what i'm scared of is not being a good woman and i don't want to face it well here's the thing

i think it's like i think you come from the same like i'm very similar to you in the sense of these organizers, you've done this a million times. Your vision is better than my vision. It's better than anything I might be like, well, I kind of like to reach for my shoes at a two foot angle. So why is it not nice to go, I trust your vision. You do you. I'm going to like it. I promise you. Because for me, it would be better if I gave them... I do have some opinions.

I'm just scared to get into it. And I have this anxiety about any new people. And it's usually people I'm hiring to work for me that are like contractors. When it comes to like, oh, my sister's friends are coming tonight. They're in town. No anxiety about meeting people.

For some reason like people who are working for me i don't want to talk to them i don't want to get to know them i want them to do everything when i'm not there because i'm embarrassed of my space i'm embarrassed of my taste i want their judgment to be happening when i'm not in the other room and a lot of times someone the plumber comes to fix the toilet or like whatever it is yeah i go in the other room i go oh it's just in there. And I direct him. And it seems rude. And I don't know what it comes from.

But I know now like through talking to Chris last night. It comes from your mom. It comes from my mom being like, Nikki, you don't even know what you like. I heard that so much as a child. We would go out shopping and she'd be like, do you like these jeans? And I go, I don't know.

And she goes, you don't even know what you like. You don't even have an opinion about anything taste-wise. I don't like cooking. I don't ever, I don't have. And she goes, you don't even know what you like. You don't even have an opinion about anything taste-wise. I don't like cooking. I don't ever, I don't have any interest in like, ooh, baking things or meal prep. Or when girls are like, oh my God, we got new cabinets. I'm dead. I'm so excited. We're building this house from scratch.

I can't feel more removed from my fellow human than that. And I feel, and Chris goes, why do you want to like things that you don't like? I don't understand. And I go, but like, don't you ever feel like, man, I wish I liked doing that thing. I wish I liked reading like bigger books. I wish I liked, I don't know, being more organized. I wish I, all these things.

Yeah, of course. People have this all the time where they feel self-doubt about things. She doesn't. I go, but what about like when you weren't as tall as you wanted to be? Didn't you like resent people that were like tall? And he's like, I mean, yeah, but I just also reason like I'm one of the luckiest people that's ever been born in humanity, in the history of the world. Like the life that I have makes me in the top 0 zero zero zero zero zero zero zero one percent of all humans dating back forever so like yeah if i was a

little taller it'd be great whereas for me not being as pretty as my sister was like god had smited me and like was like yeah there's something wrong with me and i like i fucking i wanted to die because of it i was like i shouldn't even be alive because I'm not, if you're not the best at something, which brings me back to, I don't understand. I never understood people who didn't want to be famous. I had no, I couldn't believe everyone in my class when we were little, like sixth grade or whatever.

What do you want to be when you grow up? Not everyone didn't want to go actress. Why would you not want that? Everyone loves you. You're beautiful. you're on tv everyone knows you because i think even our generation you needed a profession like that was told early on you needed to be some kind of being an actress was the was crazy was what that's what i was told the idea of me being an actor my dad told me when i wanted to be a comedian i want

to play third base for the yankees it's not a realistic thing for most kids but that's what i'm saying a kid's dream though kids are always saying astronaut ballerina yes marine biologist like veterinarian like these things that are still real jobs that comparatively comparatively no astronaut is not a real job i'm still thinking about doing it there's there's more astronauts or there's more actors for sure so there's well nowadays everyone wants to be talking about people i do not understand though i'm so grateful no one wants to be famous because it well now everyone wants to but no they don't i mean i really thought my parents were going to be like so excited to be on a tv show like i was giving this gift to them no i'm talking about kids now they want to be like viral tikt TikTok kind of famous.

But anyways, yes. I couldn't believe my parents were like, we don't really want to do this. I'm like, but you raised me. And so I understand why Chris doesn't want to do it. He grew up a different way. But you guys are my blood. We think the same.

How would you not want to be famous? But it's because they feel good enough about themselves. They don't need adoration from strangers. But I need more adoration from you guys, and we'll get something when we come back. This assistant coach is going to help you. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears

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Presented by Capital One, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. And we're back. Noah, what would you be if you weren't a radio show producer? I think if I had the brain for it, and this is just because of something that happened recently, I just want to be a veterinarian. I love that because you also when when Bruno died I know that you were like really taken aback by how amazing vets were to

you like it I could tell you were like kind of blown away by your vet during that process and you had it again with Buzzy right so I had like such like a gentle experience with someone who had you know skills and knowledge that I don't have um and resources that I don't have and I was like helped without even asking for help so that just like it definitely opened me up to understanding that people who have skills that I don't they could do do so much with it. And maybe I need to look inward and do something with what I have to offer. But I still haven't like signed up for any volunteer work or anything like that.

Right, like what can you do to help the world? The nice thing about volunteer work is like, or anything. Yeah, tell us about it. Well, I've never done it. And I don't know if you have either. What would be nice of it? I do lots of service work, mister.

Just for me. I don't talk about it at all because you can't. Because you do it because you're not trying to get attention for it. All right. I do too, but I can't talk about it. You're going to go to hell if you're lying about that right now. What? I don't believe in hell.

Okay, well, you're going to stay on the third floor of this building. All right, I'd rather go to hell. It's loud down there. I don't think hell's probably pretty quiet. No, hell is loud. Screaming. Fire. The devil laughing.

No, I was just going to say, though, we got into comedy. The barrier of entry is easy. But then what you... The barrier of entry is easy Like but then What you The what of entry? Barrier of entry Isn't that a word? I've never heard of that phrase

But I'm guessing Is that a phrase? Barrier of entry? Yeah I thought you were saying barrier of entry Oh no Jurassic Park Huh?

Ham drips So do you mean the How to get in? Yes Yeah you don't like have to like Get a, you don't have to get a degree. You don't have to get a degree. You don't have to go to school for seven years. You don't have to interview to get it, yes.

But then you think it's an easy entry, but it's obviously not. Then it takes about eight years to get good at it and to actually succeed and make money at it. It fools you. Look, volunteer work, you can just sign up and do it but to be good at it maybe it takes a little bit of time i'm just saying like i like things like the idea of being a veterinarian the idea of being a doctor the idea of being a lawyer the schooling the applying all that shit i too much frozen paralyzed can't do so if you were going to do something that didn't take

like you could take that out take that out of the equation of like oh i could just be it see i would like that's a different thing i would like those things of like um uh i like i like have there's something appealing about getting my master's and then being like okay there's like a process then there's a test you take and then you write a dissertation and then you get a good enough like that you have these bars because with comedy, it is so fluid. And it's just like, there's no actual, like there's like,

oh, okay. I did a late night set. Oh, boom. Got it done. Okay. I got a TV show.

Boom. Go got it done. But like, I like having benchmarks of like, you got through these things. So I think that that would appeal to me. But what do you mean? Like,

what's another thing like an Uber driver, like the best Uber driver? No, I'm just saying I think there's things that we don't do because obviously there takes and like being a veterinarian, you can't just be like, hey, I'm just going to. You guys are going to waltz in here and be a veterinarian. Yeah, you can't waltz. You can't waltz. Yes, you could.

You could just sign up for school. It's not free. It's not free. You have to apply. You can't just go to be like you got to probably pass boards to go to i was thinking of going back to school you know like now as an adult because i feel like yeah okay i could definitely sit myself down and do homework and study but just thinking about the whole application process and loans and all of that i'm just like

forget it next year i know That dog will find someone else. I don't know. When Kim Kardashian passed the baby bar, I got jealous because I could see her studying and her having this accomplishment that she was so proud of. I was like, I want to do something.

I want to get back to school. You'd be good at the baby bar. Yeah. I think I would be a good lawyer. I think you would. But I have no interest in it. Yeah. Even though that would be a good lawyer i think you would but i have no interest in it yeah even though that would be a good thing to give back i mean a lot of people get into law to be good people and to help you know pro bono keep going i was waiting immigration law family law, stuff like that. I saw Bono performed in Kiev in Ukraine for free at like a bar.

Did I say it wrong? Kevin? Kevin, Ukraine. I say Kiev. Is it Keefler? Kiev. My friend's mom worked at Kiev'sve's Bakery on Kings Highway, so that's how we used to say it.

On Kings Highway? I thought it could have been Kiv. Wait, that's in St. Louis. Kiv? Oh, really? In Brooklyn, too? Yeah, we live close to Kings Highway. Very close.

Do you know the McCloskeys, those people, the gun-toting McCloskeys, you know, the ones that, during the Black Lives Matter protests in St. Louis, those two old people on the front porch? Oh, yeah, yeah. That house is like, you could, I mean, BB gun distance from our apartment complex. I mean, there's homes that are gigantic here that are right

in the public. I just saw on St. Louis Reddit yesterday, someone took a picture of one of the McCloskey's cars and it's decked out in like an American flag, like wrapped up in it and there's a picture of him because he's a senator, so state representative, something. There's a picture of him because he's a senator so state representative something

there's a picture of it's like McCloskey state rep and it's him on his porch looking scared with the gun it's the picture and he's like proud of it now it's now a branding when it should be the shameful thing it made me sick I hate those people I hate our neighbors yeah

I mean what what what house is across from strops that's that's it across it's lit up it's lit up all the time it's mccloskey's oh my god that big like gray thing across the highway yeah mccloskey's i didn't know until i was walking luigi and there were these two tourists that were taking a picture and she was like get in get it in the background and i go what what is that and they go oh mccloskey's and i was like what i live a block away from these fucking oh god they lean into it they lean into it they get positive reinforcement klosky factory they go to their fucking country club and everyone's like oh there's mccloskey's bang bang bang bang and they're like yeah drinks on me bang bang can you imagine being proud of trying to shoot at a black lives matter protest

and looking like little pussies on your front porch because a bunch of kids are just fighting for people to have equal rights you losers protecting your stupid stone house that looks like an above ground grave. It looks like a tomb. Was it Liam? Yeah, it did. I hate them. And that woman's holding the gun all wrong

with frizzy hair. She looks like she just got done feeding her parrots. No offense to parrot owners. I'm going to be one someday. But she just looked, ugh, being proud of that. Yuck.

I hate anyone who likes those people. Stop listening to the podcast. I hate you. Yeah, all the McCloskeys out there. I just hate these people that have their trucks wrapped in pictures of a shirtless Trump on the cross. Are you being ironic? I wish.

I wish they had a sense of humor. What is wrong with you? i don't know the idea of idolizing anybody like that is just your dad did but that was before that was before he became president actually my dad in my dad i dad's defense dad's defense dds as his lawyer pro bono no money dad although i better still be in the will. You're going to hell if I'm not. It's quiet. It's hot. My dad hates Trump post-president. Oh, that's good. I mean, you're not supposed to meet hate with hate, but man, it's hard.

I'm sorry for whatever brain problem you have. Did you see that? Of course, because Elon. If Elon gets it. Of course, that's what's going to happen. It's going to be the worst thing possible. He's going to win because of Elon Musk. Do you think taking him off initially was actually bad?

He's going to win anyway. Because, by the way, it doesn't matter if Trump wins or loses. He still thinks he won the last election. He's going to win this one, too, in his own mind. And this time, his supporters are not going to really put up with him not winning. Do you think taking him off the first time probably was bad? No, it he went away we didn't talk about him every day he went away it was great he's gonna but no matter what he's going to quote unquote win jack start looking you know jack from twitter yeah and tom's friend yeah from myspace what do you say they all have one name jack tom

mark mark they're all oh god they're all like one syllable uh he regrets he regrets taking trump off because i think what it does is it makes him more powerful obviously if he comes back in a way oh if he comes back yeah it's gonna be like holy shit like it's gonna be he's his first tweet is gonna get 80 million likes because he was taken away. It's going to be so upsetting. Publicity. And Trump is claiming that he's not coming back. He's going to stay on.

I don't even know what his is called. I think it's called Frumpy Dick or something. Frumpy Digger. Anyhow. Yeah. Let's get to the news. You heard it here first. You heard it here first.

Yeah, you heard it here first. It's Wednesday here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. It's Wednesday, folks. You know what that means? It is Wednesday. I hope you're having all the swells out there unless you're in McCloskey's. I hope you shoot yourself. In the foot.

Yeah, but leave the door open so we can come in and check out your big screen. All right. So you know. Your big screen. All right. Well, speaking of not having self-awareness, a South African pastor is given a lot of heat online

after filming himself proposing to a grieving woman in the middle of her father's funeral, just mere feet from the deceased's coffin. Critics accused the man of making the somber occasion about himself. I love it. Is this a cultural thing, though? Again, we're talking about these funerals in other countries. Oh, like a Peru thing?

I'm not trying to be a dumb American who thinks anything outside of our country is like, that's just the way they do it. I mean, I don't know if this is cultural. I mean, it seems... Is there a video? There is a video um did she say yes did she say yes apparently she was on the jumbotron she seems to have accepted and uh this is a different this is a weird this is a religious thing he's like he was a pastor so he has a god complex he can do whatever he wants he probably thought he was like do you think he had a thing with the dad like a like an argument with the

dad like oh you're dead now now i'm taking no i bet it was like this is your dad's wish oh you know this is all just he ordered that guy from i don't know these are all kind of connected to like god and like religion and how weird it can be. Well, here's what he said, because you're kind of close. He thanked God for being in his girlfriend's life during this difficult time, and he hoped that his proposal would help her come to terms with her father's passing.

Yeah, okay. Wait, I thought he would, so they were girlfriend and boyfriend. This wasn't out of the blue. Yeah, yeah, they were in a relationship. He just proposed to her at her father's funeral okay that changes it for me i thought it was just like some pastor that was like i want this young girl to be my bride now oh that'd be so weird oh yeah that's a way that's even weird

read this headline again there was no indication that they were together before this oh well i feel like it's true was i wrong we both heard both heard it different. No, no, no. Okay, so that's why I thought it was a cultural thing of like, oh, we just worship the pastor in our community. I love that. He picks the hottest girl whose dad just died. I really did think that. I get that.

People are always trying to, they don't know how to handle grief or like their person, they care about suffering and they're just trying to make it stop by like, here so he probably thought it was a good way it's just not fair i mean if i was a woman i'd be so pissed to be put on i honestly would like it why because if let's just be honest like if i was dating someone yeah and i was kind of waiting we're at that point where it was like kind of waiting for this proposal. For your dad to die.

Yeah, we were waiting for my dad to die so that we could take a dip in that pool whenever we want. Oh, yeah. Even there in the winter, take the thing off. Yeah, take the leaf. Heat it up. Yeah, get that old tarp of leaves out of there. Scoop out the dead frogs and take a little tipsy noodle. Okay, I think that

I would like something. I am someone who when I'm in pain, I want something to distract me from it. I don't want to feel it. I don't want to like mourn my dad's loss. I don't want to focus on it. I want something to get me out of this. Something to make

me feel like there's a future after my dad dies something that's like okay this is a huge life change but here's another big change so you can kind of pivot and not that it's the healthiest thing but i think i would like that i mean i was crying in a couple therapy yesterday about like my dad's gonna die someday and like i want a partner who fulfills some of the things i get from my dad which is a weird thing to say of like you know like i want my husband to be like my daddy yeah but yep i just want my husband is what i was saying to love me as much as my dad loves me that unconditional like you know dad love and my therapist was like well that's you know that's a different that's because that's agape love what it's called agape yeah like that it's just you can't help but love whatever you like spawn you're gonna love yeah yeah and it's hard to do that with someone who

you didn't spawn like i don't want you know my boyfriend or my husband to like i'm not i'm not like sexually sexualizing that love it's just like the kind of like thinks i hung the moon love my dad like thinks i'm the greatest thing that has ever happened to the world everything i do is amazing my mom does not as much my mom was on instagram live the other night right when you were on stage i went on instagram live to tell people to watch the uh a reality show and i go mom i'm about to go on stage any requests for jokes literally any joke you can think of that i've ever done she couldn't think of one joke she's watched my act a million times was i hurt by that no if my dad said that i would be shocked because my dad is someone who like watches

literally everything i do um which is not what i want in a partner, but I just want someone to like, you know, I, I, I crave like someone just being like, God, I just love watching you shine. That kind of thing,

which Chris does. It's just like, I was just kind of having a freak out recently about like my dad dying and like, what the fuck is the point of me living? If I, my dad dies because all I do everything so that he'll be like, you were so goddamn damn good on that

that just feels so good I don't want him to listen to every podcast I don't even tell my dad when I'm on things he gets so mad he's like you were on Kelly Clarkson you didn't tell us like he gets so upset so it's not like I'm like daddy look what I did but when I do hear feedback from him of like

that song was so god damn good there's something about it that makes me and i know a lot of people don't have that in their lives their parents fucking suck or like they never and i feel i feel sad that i need i feel embarrassed that i need it so much look you know how many awnings your name sold for him it's even yeah that's a shot ej come at me bitch i don't think you watch this podcast you might who knows come at me bitch all right um so yeah chris proposed to me on my dead sphere roll if you're listening but it's religious in a different country go train to be faster okay yes right for the next one um boom boom boom cheating and infidelity create attachment

ambivalence which means mixed or contradictory feelings about the other person so when a deep and uh healthfully dependent connection is unexpectedly damaged you are traumatized a trauma specialist says terror increases the need for attachment even if the source of comfort is also the source of the terror many betrayed partners find themselves in an emotional war with themselves they look at their cheating partner and think i love you but i hate you i need you close but i can't stand to be in the same room as you. Oh, wow. Thoughts like that. I was reading on Reddit last night actually about someone that was like, how do you not cheat on your wife or girlfriend?

Like as a man, like it was on too afraid to ask. And it was like, I want to fuck other people. What do I, but I love this. How do you do it? And every response was like, you just jerk off if you want to do it. And then you have post-nut clarity. There was nothing about like, man, that feeling will go away if you love your woman enough.

It was all like, this is a feeling you will struggle with the rest of your life. Always consider is the emotional hurt I'm causing someone I love going to be worth this, this putting my dick in this like that. It was all like coping strategies that don't have anything to do with like well you need to make your relationship stronger it's like it's not about that it's about like you thought about fucking an animal like like yes like just

don't fuck a human fuck a goat and then everything's cool animals huh yeah please don't do fuck no like wear a condom yeah no not going there make sure you're in an just don't do fuck you no like wear a condom yeah no not going there make sure you're in an just don't do it at their dad's funeral an open barn relationship an open barn um

yeah it was it I loved it because there was nothing there was nothing being soft about like your wife is someone that

you'll just naturally feel it was someone who was asking the question who wasn't married but was like I'm I would like to be

married someday how the fuck am I gonna wanna not fuck anyone else and they were like no that will never go away and this is saying even after the fact after it happens you still love them you still want to be with them while you hate them tremendously that's what they said was in this thing that i'm hearing there is the emotional trauma it causes someone that you cheat on is so much worse and it is almost irrep like unrepairable and and in a lot of ways like you know esther perel always says you will never have the relationship that you had before this infidelity you have to start a new relationship this new relationship is one in which you were cheated on and like it could be a different but

it's not you will never have back the relationship you had before the infidelity which is maybe not a bad thing because more you know honest there's more honesty in this new relationship but you can't live in a world where that didn't happen ever again like and that's what the people in the reddit thing were referencing of like know that this isn't just you getting your dick wet one time if you get caught there's there will be reverberations throughout the rest of your life and you will cause someone you love so much emotional damage that you cannot predict or understand and it's not the action it's the trust aspect it's both but yeah i like the i think drew michael had the bit about like oh no i cheated it was just it just happened and it's like here's the 40 ways it

had like you met at the bar you talked to him you did this there's like 15 20 things that led to it there's something about i was drunk that makes me feel a lot better yeah someone cheats because as someone who was drunk i did a lot of things i do not stand by i didn't really want to do it wasn't like oh this is my secret desire to tell this person I love them or to get on top of that car and dance like all the things I've done to jump that fence with flip flops and break my heel these aren't things that I was like

I would love to do them I can't wait I just need to get drunk I was an idiot I'm stupid when you're drunk so there's something about being drunk that I truly you know when my ex-boyfriend made out with a girl when he was drunk and said I thought it was you I knew he my ex-boyfriend made out with a girl when he was drunk and said, I thought it was you. I knew he did.

That wasn't an excuse. Like, he got so dumb when he drank. Like, he was just, he wouldn't make sense. Did you see this girl? Did she look like you at all?

She had blonde hair and it was in a setting that we always hung out. Like, he just was missing me and like, I know people are like, oh yeah,

right Nikki, you're so gullible. No, this guy was literally, mentally, I don't know if you can say the word retarded but i he would be on par with someone with it like like he would be a mentally disabled person sometimes when he drank it was so scary so when he was like i thought it was you i just was like i know you did like yeah some people you know people get drunk because she had a cold sore. That's why I was mad. I was like, we've seen that girl before and she had an active cold sore.

What the fuck were you doing? That was what made me mad. Gotcha. I really didn't care. The the whole like you say you're honest when you're drunk. Like there's a lot of things with like people like hold you accountable even more so because that's who you really are. dude there's times where i'm fucked up i was not i'm not that person i am not honest at all when i'm drunk i would always say the opposite actually of what i meant like i would always tell girls i love you oh my god i want to be front like i would always set in the morning

go why did i say the opposite of what i meant to that person and it's because i drunk there was there are times though, when you have like a secret that you're like, you want to tell someone and you need to, and you need that liquid courage, quote unquote, alcohol dump makes you dumb. So everything that's telling you don't say this,

this isn't the right thing to do. That goes away. And then you do the dumb thing. So there are times where you do speak the truth because the, the stuff that's keeping you from saying the truth falls away. Cause you're stupid or when you drink but for me it would always make me say that do the opposite so it's so weird to like if you got caught cheating and you were hammered and like you don't even remember the like it's just like a you know if you're blacked out and you

cheat yes and it ruins your whole life you had like three kids and you just were just fucked up one night. You don't even remember your dick being in the, you know what I mean? And that moment, your life is forever changed of a moment that you can't even remember. God, that's gotta be fucking, oh, fucking alcohol. It's alcohol, but it's also like, I don't know, just like, if I got cheated on, I would be hurt because of the lie. Like you said,

more than like the act. Like, I just don't. No, I know, but it's like a lie that like, you weren't even.

No, I understand you saying like, it does, but, and even after you come, you also go, what was, why was,

was that worth it? Yeah. Who was that guy? That was a werewolf. drunk with horniness. Like, even if you're, you also go, why was that worth it? Who was that guy? That was a werewolf. Because you get drunk with horniness. Even if you're not drunk, women need to understand that men, when they get really horny and they're presented with fresh, wet puss that wants them, it's as if they're so drunk. Yes.

You can be horny drunk, for sure. Yeah. You've done dumb things when you're horny and you go, I just should have jerked off and then i wouldn't have driven 45 miles yes fucking cactus i thought that was the best advice just jerk off and i always i used to have a bit about it women if you don't want your husband to cheat on you before he leaves make him jerk off yeah or blow him like guy with an empty bag of nuts is not going to cheat on you. They can't. Yeah.

There's no desire there. It's like, don't go out and eat. Okay, well, then feed him a huge meal beforehand. It's like going to rob a bank, and you give a guy a gun, and you go, hey, there's no bullets. And you're like, okay, well, I'm not going to. Yeah, what am I going to pistol whip someone with my dick? With my soft dick? I won't even fucking leave a mark.

God, I am so hot. I cannot get comfortable. Oh, really? I'm just sweating constantly. I'm so sweaty. I just feel repulsive in my own skin. I'm PMSing. I'm about to start my period, and I'm just sweaty.

Let's take a break and come back. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears Let's take a break and come back. and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

We want to speak out. We want to raise awareness and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, and I'm an investigative journalist. When a group of models from the UK wanted my help, I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a playboy model.

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The drinks were flowing, twerking all over the place, vaping. They're shotgunning. Women's golf is a wild ride full of big personalities, remarkable athleticism, fierce competition, and a generation of women hell-bent on shanking that glass ceiling. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E,

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Adam Sandler throws his daughter a star-studded bat mitzvah. Oh yeah. Spade was that, I think, because the other night we were texting or something, and he was like, yeah, I just left a kid's party. And he didn't say who. He's so cool that he didn't tell me that he was at this insanely awesome. I connected the dots after I saw this headline. I'm like, God damn it.

Yes, it was a candy- birthday party with jennifer aniston charlie pooth halsey taylor lautner and some tiktok stars i have lautner get involved invited it's been a while yeah it's been a while since he's been in the werewolf twilight movie yeah that's fun i mean i want it is weird why adam sandler and jennifer aniston are friends i know that pooth is in there. Like, I don't know how they got to know him. Yeah, I'm sure his daughter's obsessed. Yeah.

I definitely, my bar mitzvah, I had two cutouts of baseball players. That's it. What, really? Yeah, Jose Canseco and Mark McGuire, Bash Brothers. Wait, Mark McGuire? No, but he was just like a cutout. I know, but like a cardinal no no this is when he was on the a's ew my team was baseball but why i had a baseball wire from did

anyone even know him before st louis i just loved his forearms as a kid was that the only one they had at the shop i don't yeah actually the more i think about it i don't think the shop had a ton of options i don't think it was like a fathead back then I think you got what was in the shop Jose Canseco is such a great name It's a great name Mark McGuire they're both like They're both steroid freaks that hit the ball about 700 feet

Did you have a theme for your bat mitzvah Noah I did not have a bat mitzvah Because I don't like being the center of attention. So I never did any of those things. I don't understand you. Didn't go to prom, didn't go to graduation, didn't have a bat mitzvah, didn't want any of it.

Whoa. Whoa. Did it like birthday parties? The truth is I was always really embarrassed of our apartment and to think that I would be inviting kids from my class home

mortified me so I was just like mortified I would feel the same way I kind of felt that way with my bar mitzvah because it was all I went to an all Christian school

they've never been to a bar mitzvah like it was like going to yeah the moon for them they were like I've never seen this. Many Jews. Y'all, there's more than two of you.

They were just hanging out with Jose and Mark. Yeah, they're like, well, yeah, we'll just fucking hang out with the Christian guys. Yeah. Oh, my God. I just remember being obsessed with one of the dancers at the bar mitzvah party and just like following her everywhere. One of the dancers? Yeah, one of the older dancers what

do you mean a dancer we had dancers at the party that like got the shit going with the dj oh so she was like an older girl that was like hired as part of the i did that a lot actually like there was a there was a singer on a cruise when i was like 14 who like i was really into and like yeah they were like celebrities almost. Yeah, I guess so. But boy, was I obsessed.

I wasn't paying attention at all to the girls in my grade. And that was like my time to shine. I just made some money. They were unattainable. Who? The dancer? Yeah. Yeah.

You had no chance. And so there was no, you know, it's like pursuing a guy in a relationship or like, like having a celebrity crush. Like you're never going to get them. There's no risk. No, we fucked.

Oh, really? Yeah, I was drunk, though, so it wasn't pedophilia. I went down with my sister. We were in Florida. That's so funny that the kid was drunk. So it didn't count. Oh, right. Yeah, anyways, go ahead.

I was with my sister in Florida. My dad was at some cable convention. We got to go to this amazing resort in Florida when I was a kid. And they had this amazing party at this resort. And I'll never forget, they hired mermaids to swim in the pool at night and just be like these mysterious mermaids. And my sister and I were so creeped out but also fascinated by them because they weren't like talking and they were just like,

they were really swimming. Like sirens kind of thing. They were like, it was such a cool thing to do at this huge pool that like, you know, one of those pools that had different like channels

and like, so there were these mermaids were just, they weren't talking to each other. They weren't talking. They were, we did it. We almost were like,

are they real mermaids? Like there was something and I just remember my sister and I being so creeped out yet intrigued. I mean, I am creeped out by anyone who's playing a character at a party, a mascot. Yes. Goofy? Yeah.

Like, what's going on in there? I understand children who like mascots less than I understand women who like redesigning closets. I feel less connected to children. I just couldn't understand why a child would want to walk up to someone who is clearly, first of all, not the cartoon you see on TV. This guy, it's way bigger and it's made of cloth. Yeah. And it moves like a human.

It's not like there's, and it ruins the cartoons. Cartoons is a world where it's like, it's real. And then you take these characters out of the cart it's just like what is this imagine being on the other end children who like that oh my god can you imagine having to fucking be a mermaid and you're like either hungover having a bad day your child's an idiot an iq test for a child oh to see if it actually thinks if your child likes mascots, your child might be special. Yeah, we'll probably make out with someone that thinks it's you. No offense to your kid if they like.

I mean, I just, my sister and I were scared of those because we were cunning enough to know that these, I don't even think cunning's the right word, to know that they were men in there, even when we were little, and that even if we didn't know they were men, we knew there was something off about it like you were smarter than me i wasn't i wasn't afraid of the person inside it i didn't think that far ahead no i just didn't like that i just didn't like saying like you just know it's off yes there's something not right about it it isn't goofy it isn't tweety bird there it's not it's it's not mickey that's something else and i

don't like it and it better stay the fuck away from me. You were watching the dancer. I was watching Mickey the whole time, being like, I hope that guy does not come around here. I would get so scared. I like that you have, though, an idea that there is a real Mickey, and he's just not there. Yeah, a cartoon world is real in another realm.

I didn't think it was real in like I could find it some day. No, no, I know. But stay in a cartoon world. I didn't think it was real. No, I know. But stay in a cartoon world. I don't want you walking around. And why are you so quiet? Ronald McDonald never was a fan. Clowns are disgusting. Clowns scare the shit out of me.

It's another thing of like, what are you? Are you a human or are you not? Are you a dancer? The movie It ruined it. Oh, yeah. I mean, it ruined it. What about the character It in the Addams Family? I liked that guy. The big thing of hair.

I don't know. I loved Addams Family. Interesting. Loved Addams Family. I don't know. I never really watched it as a kid. I mean, they didn't show up at parties, though. All right.

Let's get to our Wednesday segment. It is time for... Andrew's Succinct Short Story Circle Segment. That guy sounds pretty cool. Yeah, he's a good guy. I haven't told... I don't think I've told this story, and stop me if I'm wrong,

but I think it could be fun considering I was really fucked up when it happened. But you know the story. You cheated with Goofy? Yeah, I sucked Goofy's cock while pluto pegged me but it was like you know that pluto's not a real isn't a dog what is he no that's just a pluto isn't a planet joke oh it didn't really work well he wasn't a dog for a year and then we found out he was actually a dog which is fucking wild but he wasn't a dog for a year

pluto the planet came back i think no it didn't oh i heard pluto is just a guy the planet some guy inside there that's how small you know that jupiter is the next closest planet after mars you told me that i had to google that well jupiter fucking dude something's going on over there what do you mean it's got a big old fucking hole. It has like constant hurricanes. Yeah, dude. That fucking planet's going off. Yeah. We'll get there.

I mean, we go through each planet. I got a lot. Anyway, so the story. So I end up, I'm in New Orleans. I'm visiting back to college. You know, I came back. I feel cool, but you don't. I'm just young enough where it's still cool to come back to college.

You know what I mean? You still have friends there? Yeah, I still have friends there. There's an age where it stops feeling cool and you start feeling like... 37? A predator? It was the last year. We're not fucking back to...

I think it's when everyone that was in college when you were at college is now graduated. Yes. Four years. Yes. So I go back. I'm like 23. everyone that was in college when you were at college is now graduated yes four years yes so i go back i'm like 23 i never do ecstasy really i've done it maybe twice in my life i take it that night and i'm hanging out with my two buddies and earlier you take it because you like you wanted it was just a drug there wasn't like oh i want to feel i want to dance tonight or you know i just wanted i i think my two friends took it so yeah just peer pressure and um and so they took it and then i remember seeing the lead singer some 41 at a club before i even got to the bar and being like i was really into some. I don't know what it was. I was too old probably for it. What was their one song? I'm in too deep and I'm trying to sleep.

And they had... I love that you don't even know the second lyric. When I went with the taco. Their most popular song. You're such a fan. You don't even know the second lyric. These are the kids that we knew back in high school. No.

Because I'm in too deep. And I'm trying to sleep. No, just try. I'm in too deep. And I'm trying to sleep. No, just try. I'm in too deep. I know this and I don't even know Sum 41. And I'm trying to keep all the thoughts in my head. Instead, I'm going psycho. You are not a Sum 41 fan.

I don't believe it. I swear to God, I really was. There's an Indian guy guy how you wouldn't know their chorus of the most popular song even one word of it is absurd to me this is how drunk i was okay back then so i'm hammered i take the ecstasy didn't really kick in that hard but i see the lead singer and i'm like i just note it that he was there and i was like wow that's so cool then an hour, I go to this bar called The Boot, which is the campus bar. I don't know if you had it at Kansas

where it was like the main bar where everyone went. There were fights there. It was the Wild West. And if you were an outsider going into this bar, I didn't care who you were. You're going to get treated. If you think you're better than anyone in college, people are so insecure, they're going to want to right or they're gonna want to embarrass you okay so

derrick wibbly comes in and he's like the number one like fuck everybody i'm fucking remember he had like the whole he's like dating avril lavigne yeah he was flicking everyone off he was like a punk oh he was okay okay so you're not gonna punk us you know because we're fucking we're the punks you can't punk a punk like that's literally the thought process so i go up to him and i'm like dude you're my favorite band you're some 41 i fucking love you you're like the beatles for me i love that one song i'm in too deep you keep you finish it and then um and and he's like all right come find me later and i'll give you tickets for the show. I go, all right, dude, that's awesome.

So I'm back with glow sticks, whatever, fucking, I don't know, like just feeling the fucking whatever Bon Jovi music. And then my buddy went up to Derek Wibley, and he was on cocaine. And again, like this is this. Oh, before this, they gave him a shot of piss. The bartender gave some 41 and all their friends piss shots. Wait, who's piss? The bartender's piss.

No way. Yes. What? Did they know? They didn't order it. That is so disgusting. I know. This is the kind of bar that we're talking about.

Is that legal? Because they were just like, these guys are famous. Yeah, they're famous. Let's give them a shot of a cold piss. Because they're so jealous because they're getting laid more than they are. Yeah. And they're fucking Avril Lavigne and he's a fucking millionaire. Let's give them welcome to New Orleans.

Millionaire? And he kind of liked the piss. I'm not going to lie. It seemed like he enjoyed it. Millionaire? You saw him take the piss? Yeah, he took the piss. Okay.

I'm not taking the piss out of you. Yeah. He took it. He loved it. He put the piss in him. Pistol. So he taking the piss out of you yeah he took it he loved it he put the piss in him pistol so uh he takes the piss my buddy goes up to me he's like holy shit you're that band you sing all the small things and he didn't really know if he was fucking with him you did better with that song by the way because i didn't give him the second bar. All the small things, true care, true things. I'll take one look.

You're my best. So he goes, that's not my song. Yeah. And my buddy goes, oh, dude, my bad. My bad. And he leaves. Was your buddy trying to fuck with him? Yes.

Oh, OK. He's a piece of shit. They're all pieces of shit in this bar. They're all pieces of shit. They were just trolling these poor guys from Sum 41. Yeah. They were in a band. Did they ask them if they wanted to be in a fraternity?

Is it that guy? It's probably that guy's friend. Okay. So he goes back. God, they're all so jealous. This happens to men all the time, to famous men. People are so rude to famous guys because they are so jealous they're getting more pussy than them. That's all it was.

Yeah. And it was just like they want the story of i'm the guy that took down the celebrity yeah so he goes back to derrick wibbly and he goes dude you sing stacy's mom got it going on you're all i want and and he goes that's not my fucking song he's catching on now that the guy's fucking with him he picks his nose and flicks off my buddy and my buddy picks his nose and flicks him what is this this king lear yeah it's like an old like like a shakespearean like you know they used to like like i bite my tongue at you or i bite my yeah like my my thumb yeah that's what exactly one of those and i'm watching on ecstasy and i'm just like what is

going like how is this real life, you know? Oh, God. And then Derek Wibley takes his drink and threw it in my friend Joe's face. Was this all inside? All inside. At a really, like, loud, raucous bar? Like a rowdy. Are girls trying to get around this guy because he's famous?

Or, like, he's. This bar is so out of control that, like, you don't really know what's really, like. How did you even know Sum 40? You recognized the guy because you were such a fan? Mm-hmm. And he had really spiky hair. Were they in town? Did you know they were in town? Well, I saw them earlier in the night. Oh, that's right. But like earlier in the night,

did you know they were in town? Or were you just like, holy shit, that's Derek. Yeah, holy shit, that's Derek Wibley, dude. He's got a leather jacket on and he fucks Avril Lavigne kind of thing. Did you get a leather jacket later that week? I took his. So, no so so then the fight didn't start inside the bar they both get kicked out of the bar you have derrick wibbly and like maybe 20 random people that want to fight for you know a lot of people stick up for a celebrity just because he's a celebrity you know and they all have like chain wallets.

Like that's how, you know, they're to some 41. And then you have all these frat guys that are all pieces of shit wanting to fight these 20, like kind of, and I would say they were more nerdy, you know?

Yeah. And they're about to fight. And it's like fucking like insane, like, like testosterone, like crazy. And I'm like, I get this idea that I'm gonna solve i'm gonna

on ecstasy you're gonna broker peace i'm gonna freaking buddha this thing i'm gonna dalai lama and i get in the middle i was like no dude this is like one of my favorite bands i don't think we should fight joe they're good guys. And I don't know if they thought I was being sarcastic because I was so nice. I think they're just done being fucked with. Yeah. So you're telling your friends back off then. I'm telling everyone back off. This is not the fight you want.

These are good guys that play. They have that one song that i kind of know and joe's like whatever so then the guy next to fucking derrick wibbly also in a leather jacket pushes me and i was on ecstasy i was like oh yeah fuck me you know no that's all good yeah yeah yeah why don't you fucking slap me with your cock so no so he hits me and i I didn't know how to respond. All I did, I just threw him. Like a little kid. This guy must have been 115 pounds.

So the leather jacket. The guy flew, I'm not kidding, like seven feet. There was a time where he was in the air, and it was quiet. You know what I mean? It was all slow-mo yeah yeah it was like like a tumbleweed went by and then he hits his head on the car and he's knocked out and everyone it's just quiet like you could hear a pin drop literally and i just turned to derrick and i go so you think i could still get tickets for tomorrow's show?

Right after this happened? Right after. And I'm not kidding. I don't understand why that would happen. Well, he told me to come find him later to get tickets for the show. So you look over at the friend you just threw, his head on the sidewalk bleeding. He wasn't bleeding, but he was knocked out. Did you realize it was funny to do that?

Yes. Okay, so you were being funny. I was being funny, but I was also like, I really wanted to be his friend. I still, because maybe I was on ecstasy, I still wanted him to like me. Even though that was his friend you just threw. Yes. Yes. But he hit me first, so I thought Derek would have seen that and been like, you know what?

You know what? You're a better friend to me than this guy. You know what? You got backstage. Yeah. What if he was like backstage, man? Do you want to share my leather jacket? He takes it off and he just puts it on you and you feel like you're part of the.

I'm part of like the greasers now. Yes, I was thinking that. Anyways, so final thought, I guess. I keep saying. Final thought. He goes, no, dude, you killed my friend. You killed my friend. Or he said, you hurt my friend or something.

And I was like, yeah, sorry about that. And then a fight just breaks out. And the bra breaks out. Like, full-on bra. And all these Sum 41 guys are getting beat up. Like, it's bad. People are getting knocked out. Like, straight-out Wild West shit.

And where are you? I'm not not fighting i'm at that point i really didn't want to wait for your tickets i'm already at the stadium i'm into i'm talking to the security guy like dude the show's not for three days like i'm no no but i know they're getting down so early? I guess it was the day before you hang out in New Orleans. So I end up, so then Derek Wibley runs away. And if you've seen Braveheart, you know, like the king that gets away from and sees all the people fighting for him die. And he's like. Safe and cowardly. Cowardly. And he's like 300, maybe like 100 yards away which would be 300 feet

so he's like and he's flicking us all off with the guy that i've pushed and he's flicking us off that guy didn't die the guy no i hope not maybe later from natural causes so he's flicking us all off and then for some reason my ego now is hurt because I didn't get. You're getting flicked off. And you didn't get his friendship. Yeah, I didn't get his friendship. It's not about the ticket to the show. It's about him liking me.

And so I run towards him. But even on ecstasy, I'm slower than my two friends that ran past me and just started fighting the one guy that i already like push where are they picture them up on like a on a hill yeah like where are they they're actually just near the library so they start fighting and my buddy starts beating up derrick wibbly now he's getting he's like i just remember him going oh dude no dude no dude your friend or derrick no derrick oh shit got his ass whooped really yeah did he was he able to perform the

next night i never looked into it you think really what you did did you ever look at like maybe he's told this story before somewhere or so yeah so that so that so i found the art so the next day page six wrote an article because my friend called it in. And it said, some 41 gets taste of Southern discomfort. And yeah, it's so good. It's so good. We showed them. Don't come down here, little Canadian punkers.

Yeah, yeah. So it's hard to find the story for some reason under that name. Because it was written in 1983 before like under that name because it was written in 1983 before yeah it was really it's so funny like stuff when you read articles from like 1992 online you're like how did they digitize this like there was just yeah things get buried yeah so so we couldn't find that i can't find that art i'm sure someone could probably find it but there's another article where he talks about how these frat guys fought him in New Orleans. Oh, nice.

Oh, there's a... So I looked online in the news. Some 41 cancels tour while Derek Wibley recovers from attack. But this happened in a bar in Japan in 2010. So I guess this is something that they do. So maybe I was in Japan. Yeah. Could I have been in... that's how fucked up i was i think you're turning japanese yeah maybe what's the next lyric kyoto i think you're turning japanese you never heard that song i think i'm turning japanese i

think i'm turning japanese i really think so you've never heard that song maybe i don't know have you ever i don't think i do yes it's about masturbating right really well what's the chorus yeah i'm turning japanese i think i'm turning japanese i really think so and then what's more i'm turning japanese i really think that's basically it yeah i don't whoa what year this is like my it's an 80s song but it's like was played so it's like such a just like a campy song

that people like they play a lot in movies like it's it's really well known that reminds me of my joke where it's like anytime

the song Save Tonight Save Tonight I think it's funny to just go what is this song I've never heard of this and people go

no no I've never heard of it but I really never heard no. Yeah. No, I've never heard of it. Yeah. But I really never heard that one. I cannot believe that has missed you. I might have heard it. That's a really good one. But I didn't know he was saying Japanese.

Does that make sense? But if it doesn't, if that doesn't ring a bell to you, because I'm pretty, I think I'm even on key on that. Can I ask a question? Did you ever see? Look at Miriam. Is she dying? Miriam, what's going on with you?

Oh, is your tail a wagon? Look at her little tail going. You are cute as hell! Did you ever see a celebrity or remember meeting a celebrity before you got into comedy? See one every day in the mirror? Before I got

into comedy? That's a good question. Maybe we'll talk about it on the next mickey glazer podcast guys do not be cursed and jack i was gonna do frost really john stewart is back at the daily show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with the daily show ears edition Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed?

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