The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #219 A Drowned Worm

Episode Date: May 17, 2022

Last night's episode theme of Welcome Home Nikki Glaser? on E! had to be examined after Nikki was hurt by a comment made. Nikki and Andrew talk about messing with drunk parents and when calling out a co'uhl is bullying. Andrew's weekend had several moments he felt conflicted speaking up. You Heard It Here First: don't follow the dead face trend, don't get overdressed for a wedding and make your vows quick, learning to interpret art through a cultural course on Taylor Swift sounds ideal and Nikki does care about cutting up expensive clothes to have sex. In the Top1 Bottom1 segment Andrew's mind gets blow when he learns about appliances.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

We want to speak out and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, an investigative journalist, and this is my journey deep into the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy in my adult. He was like, I'll take you to the top, I'll make you a star. To expose an alleged predator and the rotten industry he works in. It's honestly so much worse than I had anticipated. We're an army in comparison to him. From Novel, listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. When I smoke weed, I get lost in the music. I like to isolate each instrument. The rhythmic bass, the harmonies on the piano, the sticky melody. Hey, careful babe, there's someone crossing the street. Sorry, I didn't see him there. If you feel different, you drive different. Don't drive high. It's dangerous and illegal everywhere. A message from NHTSA and the Ad Council. I'm Dr. Laurie Santos, and to welcome the new year, my podcast, The Happiness Lab, is releasing a series of happiness how-to guides to help you in 2025.

I'll distill the wisdom of world-class experts into easy-to-digest, actionable tips. Struggling with tough emotions? We have a how-to guide. Worried that you're not enough? We got you. Self-obsessed and want to get over yourself? There's a guide for that too. The Happiness Labs how-to season starts January 1st. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. the stress come up jay you're simply going to say let them you have no idea right now how much time and energy is being wasted because of other people's behavior it's like a death by a thousand cuts listen to on purpose with jay shetty on the iheart radio app apple podcast or wherever you get Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh that started listening to me in the You Up days, people that started listening to me in the Not Safe podcast days,

people that started listening to me in the You Had to Be There podcast days. I have many people tuning into this show, and we welcome them all, even if you're a day one bestie, which could be, this could be your day one. Welcome to the show. I'm here with my co-host, Andrew Collin, who is always in studio with me when he can be. Most of the time we are together. We're in St. Louis, Missouri, which is where I live, even though a lot of people think

that my reality show is a lie. It's cool that I'm talking to a hologram. Look at you, Miss LA. The technology now is so good. Miss LA on your couch outside. They got the bags under my eyes, even. The people we hired for this hologram. i'm in st louis with andrew in my apartment um in the studio of our podcast that my mom designed and that our besties have provided a lot of the artwork on the wall check out us on youtube if you want to see that artwork changing every day just put up a lot of new stuff like a yarn a piece above my uh right above me by the cozy wall on instagram she is a tried and true busty that makes amazing gorgeous yarn pieces that i always admire when i see them in um other women's

houses on instagram and i'm always like my sister has a lot of these in her house and i'm just like that is the mark of a girl who like has good knows good interior design like a beautiful yarn piece that the cozy wall can make for you. She's out of Vancouver. Andrew Collin is here. He's up from some floor, like he comes up about nine floors. Yeah,

nine every day. In the building. Noah is in Arizona across the Cunch and I said Cunch. Makes it a little more fun and then. It's crunchy.

She's the cunt across the Cunch and I say that lovingly. I'm trying to repurpose cunt instead of bitch. Noah, you were about to say something as we were about to start the show and I said, save it for the pod. And you thought I might forget,

but what did you want to say? Okay, so I didn't watch Welcome Home Nikki Glaser last night because I went to a concert. And I went to see the band Carcass. Very good band. So i watched it this morning i watched it before the show this morning before the pod and there was a dichotomy yeah you've seen carcass no one says i went to go see the band carcass like with the voice yeah

yeah it's usually i went to fucking carcass and stapled my dick yeah but it's i went to go see carcass i had a lovely time we Yeah, but I went to go see carcass. I had a lovely time. We sat in the orchestra section of carcass. I started bleeding pretty bad because I was moshing. And then I stepped on this guy with stilettos on his throat. And it was like weird. We had a lovely time at carcass.

Were you guys there too? It was a romantic evening for me and my boyfriend at carcass. Who opened for carcass? Date Night. The band Immolation immolation okay shout out to band names across the country okay so what if the band was called band name okay so you didn't watch welcome home nikki glazer question mark until today until this morning after i finished show prep and okay so the this week's episode, a lot of the theme was about your family

and your loved ones seeing you on stage and seeing your act. Yes. And in one of the testimonials, you were talking about how, it's not so much that your mom doesn't like your material or anything like that, but it's about what she thinks other people will perceive you,

will perceive about you. My mom constantly, and even in the episode, you see my mom say, but I just like to watch them. I like to watch them and I just can't believe how many people love you.

She's always shocked at why that, that really hurts. You see it in the, there's a testimonial with me and my mom together and you see me go, they like me, mom.

They really like me. And she goes, they do. I just can't believe it. And you's a testimonial with me and my mom together and you see me go they like me mom they really like me and she goes they do i just can't believe it and you see a little hurt in me because she doesn't understand why i'm hurt by that that her shock that people like me could be hurt but you know i've accepted it and my mom just doesn't think people will be into this thing i have another thing to say on this noah what what was your question? So my question is, in the last couple of weeks, we were talking a lot about you writing music or starting something new

or posting something on Instagram and your apprehensions about it are because of what others will think about you, other people's perception of you. And even though we kind of alluded to, oh, it comes from growing up or that, I wonder if you've really made that strong connection of,

oh, it's definitely my mom has been telling me this all my life. Be careful what other people think. Yes. I have made that connection. However, I do believe that I appreciate that my mom is honest that she cares so much what other people think. I think that most women most I don't want to make this a woman issue, but I do believe that we all care about wants, I can only guess what she wants, but I think my mom would like people to think of her a different way than she actually is. So she would like them to think something of her that isn't true, that like she's perfect, even though she knows she's not, but she would like to give the appearance like the house

always looks like this. Whereas I get angry when I have to be something fake that I know I'm not to get people to like me because I realize like I can't keep this up and that's not me and I get really sad but I I think the thing that I worry about is that people might misinterpret who I am like if if someone sees my mom's dirty house they might think she has a dirty house sometimes, which is true. But what I get worried about if I post something on Instagram that seems like I think I'm cool or like I'm worried that people might get an impression of me. Not that is like, oh, Nikki looks fat in that picture or Nikki looks tired or whatever, which is true.

My worry is that they're going to think Nikki thinks she's cool which I do not think. I don't want them to think something that isn't true of me whereas my mom would like them to think something different of her if that makes sense. I mean I guess it's the idea of your mom cleaning her house and then it's like overly clean so she wants them to see, she wants to think

oh she's the cleanest person. When she knows she's not. That's how it's the opposite. she would like to be that too which we all would like to be a cleaner version of ourselves i don't mean to say all of us but um i think most people would like to be a slightly better version than themselves um what i was really hurt like i gotta be honest with you guys and i haven't seen the fourth episode oh it's really good i think you'll really like it you You're really funny in it. You have some good lines and moments. What I felt

sad about, which I did not know, was that I always thought my mom would enjoy me if I wasn't her daughter. You know, like she would enjoy my comedy

if I wasn't her daughter. Like, me being her daughter makes her go, oh, it's hard to listen to. But she said in it, if Nikki wasn't my

daughter I wouldn't go to her shows which was different than what I thought I really did think like my mom would probably like my sense of humor if I know it's a little crass for she does she's not into blue stuff as much but I think that she would see me on tv and like me if I wasn't her daughter but the truth is my mom would not like my humor. She wouldn't have any interest in going to see me if I wasn't her daughter, which hurts to hear. Yeah, that's tough. Yeah.

That is tough. But I don't take it offensively because I know that I'm funny and I know that clearly people do enjoy me. It just, I don't understand why my mom doesn't laugh at my stuff, like why my mom can't see what I'm doing is funny or important. I think there's certain jokes that your mom probably would pick that she likes better than others. So funny, though.

Like if I talk about helping some kid suck his own dick, my mom isn't going to go, man, I love what you do with that. You know what I mean? But it's the one about your nephew's percentage points. part percentage point yeah percentage oh that's the best joke ever you were on stage the other night and i went live with my mom at in montclair new jersey and she was in europe and i was like mom i'm about to go on stage any requests i think i said this on this and she couldn't think of us even one joke one joke mean, I'm not asking her to be specific. She could literally,

she could actually say the one about dogs and I'd be like, oh, thanks for listening. She could put, I have a joke about everything. She could have looked around the room

and gone, lamp. I love lamp. Like she could have, you know, anchorman. And I would have been like, thanks mom. Oh, I'll do the lamp bit. You know,

it was just the fact that she couldn't think of anything. It would have been funny though if she went lamp and you go, what's that? I say that I would have been okay. And I would have been like, what is it, mom? What's specific about it? I'm just.

What do I do? What's minute three of that? No, I get what you're saying. It is hard. But, you know, also as a standup, it's very personal. You're very personal on stage. So you're like, oh, my mom doesn't like who I am. As opposed to like, you know, someone like Danny McBride can joke about, you know, being on a jet ski and fucking a girl with herpes.

And his mom is probably like, I don't love that scene. But that's not you. You're acting. You wrote that with other people. It was in a script. It's a show. But you, on the other hand, are talking about things that are very personal. So when your mother, it's like, oh, you don't like me as a person almost.

Uh-huh. As opposed to like if it was just, you know, your art. And I realize like there are a lot of things that I do that my, it's not for my parents. You know, like I'm always shocked when people my parents age and so are my parents come to the show and they're like, we love Nikki. And like, I'm like shocked when people my parents' age, and so are my parents, come to the show. And they're like, we love Nikki. And I'm like, see, these seven-year-old people like me. My goal, I'm a comedian because I watch my dad watch Wendy Liebman and laugh at, like, the joke of, I recently quit smoking. Crack. And I remember my dad laughing at the joke.

And I'm like, I got to do that. I remember, you know, when there's something about marrying, my dad took me to go see that. And he laughed at the scene where they're like, you need to date a new guy or whatever. And she's like, it's OK. I still have a vibrator. And my dad laughed at that. These are I laughed at.

I remember when my dad read out loud in The New York Times. I didn't even know who Sarah Silverman was, but he was like, there's this he laughed out loud at this joke. He's like, I got to read this. I'm sorry if it's a little like not appropriate. And it was, you know, I was molested by my doctor, which as a Jewish girl is so bittersweet. And I remember him laughing at that being like,

that is so goddamn funny. And I didn't know what, even what that meant. Those were moments where I was like, I want to do that. You know, like I need to do whatever's making, my dad always left it women. Like he, you know, he loves male comics too, but that was like, oh, that's how i can make my dad like me so much well those jokes too are very uh left turny setup punch old school i guess you

would call it like like you don't expect it it may be yes i agree with you but i also think that that was a new form kevin nealon wendy leeman yeah we're the first ones to do the like little slide you had a lot of jokes those slight of hand kind of jokes back in the day where they were very like set that's what i'm saying like so that was like more for your parents even in my special yeah i lost my virginity at age 21 i were i didn't have sex until i was 21 i didn't have consensual sex till i was 25 like the word like just adding a little word making it different um but you guys are looking at a very technical because it's interesting because you are using comedy to connect with your dad who um you know exposed you and you had this connection but i feel like comedy when with

how you connect with your mom it's more of like a rebellion thing. Yes. Going against her need for like being perfect. Approval. It's totally, Noah. It's exactly that. It's like seeking my dad's approval while at the same time doing something that a lot of people go, ew, which is my mom's worst fear of something thinking ew about me. So you lean into that. Interesting.

When I joined the GSA in high school, I'll never forget my mom. You know, in high school, gay people weren't – there was no gay people in my high school. Weirdly, we got no gay people. Just, you know, crazy. Straight, cisgender, Kirkwood people. Yes. But in 2002, there was not – kids were not coming out, at least in St. Louis, in like the, you know, liberal schools. They weren't coming out yet.

You didn't have any gay people in your high school class either, right? No one came out. We had GLAAD in my school, the club. Yeah. GSA was the Gay Straight Alliance. That was the name of the gay kid. It was a big thing. It was GLAAD.

It's just a nice... I like that name. GLAADUS. I actually want to name a daughter GLAADUS because I think it's such a funny old name. It's a badass name. It has a Y. It looks like GLADYS. Sorry, you were saying, I just remember my mom, I wanted to join the GSA

because it was such a cool way to rebel that was like, but this is a thing. It's school. I just know a lot of parents don't like it and I want to join it because I know it's right.

I know what it stands for is right and it's not actually breaking any rules and I remember my mom being like, people are going to think you're gay you know back then was a different thing and she just didn't want me to be bullied or whatever or different really different and i just remember saying like mom i represent the s and she goes oh you're gonna walk around the school because i go mom we're the s me and taylor used to go we're the s the gsa and make an s with her hands she

go are you walking around like that all day going i'm the s i'm the s how are people gonna know and i'm like i don't i hope they think of i mean the famous story that i've told a bunch and i used to do a bit about i once came out to my mom as gay when she was blackout drunk and i knew she wouldn't remember the next day just so i could see her real reaction because i knew she would be upset about it and i loved i loved my mom being upset about something that I knew I couldn't help I knew gay people couldn't help being gay so like she can't be mad at me about this so I remember as a bit I came out to my mom in front of my friends my mom was drunk enough that I knew she wouldn't remember it the next day because I'd done my research as a child and she and I said mom I'm gay and she goes

your dad and I have known for so long it she she twists and I was like I'm not she's like Nikki no oh god we have known for so long and I was like but I'm not she's like it's okay we're fine with it we have we've thought about it we get it and I was just so it backfired yeah yeah it's so funny she's like look look we already set up another room for you. Something so, yeah, we've already, yeah, we're building an addition to the house so you can't touch our things. No, there was. I had moments like that too. I had a drunk mom where it's like, I knew she wasn't going to remember things in the morning.

Oh, God. I would say the worst things to my mom. I mean, it's just so funny when you have conversations with a parent that is an alcoholic and you know they're not going to remember it. So I don't know. It's something as a kid where I wasn't even drinking it. You don't really understand alcohol. I didn't know. Yes, I didn't.

I didn't learn that I could say whatever I wanted and they wouldn't remember the next day because I had done this. I mean, I would go on to blackout throughout my life and understand that feeling but at the time I figured out through trial and error of like mom last night you said this and having seeing her realize there's no recollection I was like oh mom has what grandma has but yeah alcohol dementia it is interesting too because it's like you bring it up and then they go well i didn't say that and then you go okay well you i think you did like i have memories of like things that i think she said when she was drunk but because she was in such denial about it because she didn't really remember it right so you can't deny it yes yes it didn't happen to you and yes and that's you know that's

a classic example of like you know when when, not just like someone who's drinking or like someone, even when like, I always remember when someone grabbed my ass at a bar and I got like, I told some people and the guy got confronted about it. And he goes, he's like, I didn't grab your ass. He was like almost disgusted at the idea that he grabbed my ass. And I was like, so embarrassed. Like, oh my God, I can't believe I thought you did that. And then in your head head you rewrite what happened you're like maybe he did just like he was you know a goose walked by yeah yeah you know like I don't know yeah maybe they do let ducks in this bar or whatever and it's grabbed my butt but like you you just get embarrassed when someone goes no I didn't you start to go maybe you didn't I am so quick to apologize for

someone else's mistake well because I think it goes back to what how i feel when i post something online like there's a secret part of me that thinks i might be a bad person that i might be out for people to think i'm cool that i might be out to like hurt other people to get my way and so when someone calls and goes i didn't sit i didn't grab your. You're just wanting to make me an ass grabber. Like I go, maybe I am. Maybe I do think I'm cool and that my butt's so great. Like you're right. Like I'm okay.

Nevermind. Sorry. Just kidding. Yeah. And then I quickly want to just like throw it under the bus. I guess you could say duality, our favorite word from last week. But I get that. I'll put up a photo of me looking good and then i'll write a funny caption

to take away of me trying to be attractive and one person will comment hey i see you i see that you this is a very attractive photo you don't need to write this three fucking paragraph chris and i wanted to start an instagram account that was private that's just called calling you out and we just write under people we write the caption we write what we know this person's trying to do with this picture it's just called calling you out and it's so mean because everyone's just trying to yes survive and not be it there's a bullish part of myself that wants to call out people i really have to like be better about when i get mad about people being k that I just know that inside they think they're not cool at all and I just should be nicer

about it because this is all they can do. And we do the same thing. Oh my god, yes. The reason why I can see it and I think same with you is like we can see how people, what they're really saying because we have the same brain as that person and we're so ingrained in and in touch with it

where we self-destroy ourselves where we can see it in other people yes the same thing with roasting why you're so good at roasting why i can think of the darkest shit about people because i think of it about myself yeah it's like whenever people say mean things i'm always like you think i haven't thought this about myself good luck trying to come up with something i haven't said to myself i mean honestly there's there's probably nothing i've done i've. I've said the meanest things to myself that when someone does say something that I haven't said to myself, it usually doesn't ring true in any way for me because I've covered everything that is true for me. Or they do

call it out and it's like, this was the first negative thing I ever thought about. This is a thousand negative things ago. That was the first thing on the list. Oh, we're so far ahead of this, buddy. Me, like, you know, my forehead being big. That was brought to my attention in 2007. It has become so much worse since there's so many other things on my face

that you can make fun of. That is so minimal. Oh, duh. Yeah. We were making fun of duh earlier. Duh. Duh. When did that come out?

Early 90s? Duh. Where did that start? That was huge. I think it's something that people that have mental issues say instead of speaking. And I think it probably originated from that kind of thing we used to do with our hand on our chest. I had an interesting thing on the flight with someone with mental issues last night. I guess we...

We can go to break and then hear about it when you come back. You can tell us about your experience looking at yourself in the mirror in the bathroom. All right. We'll be right back with Mark. Oh, wait. That's not good. Andrew! I'm coming down, downtown from the uptown area, from the hot girls to the low girls all the way.

Man, it those never end. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your

perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager. Responsible and driven

and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places.

I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened. And I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours. Stalls and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community. And I made my way back. This season,

join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps. Listen to Crumbs as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network, available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. When I smoke weed, I get lost in the music. I like to isolate each instrument. The rhythmic bass, the harmonies on the piano, the sticky melody. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Careful, babe.

There's someone crossing the street. Sorry, I didn't see him there. If you feel different, you drive different. Don't drive high. It's dangerous and illegal everywhere. A message from NHTSA and the Ad Council. Can you hear it? It's the whisper of two wolves inside you. One says, you're not enough.

The other says, keep going. You can do this. They're always talking. The one you listen to shapes your life. I'm Eric Zimmer, host of The One You Feed. On my podcast, we explore how to hear the voice that matters, the one that leads you to courage, wisdom, and love. It's not about perfection, it's about direction. Millions of listeners have fed their good wolf. Now it's your turn. Listen to The One You Feed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or's not in your control.

Renowned motivational speaker, best-selling author, Mel Robbins. Work has been seen as the number one cause of stress. How can the let them theory help? As you notice the stress come up, Jay, you're simply going to say, let them. You have no idea right now how much time and energy is being wasted because of other people's behavior. It's like a death by a thousand cuts. Listen to On Purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, we're back. What happened to you on the plane? Okay. So we flew Southwest.

We were like C5, C6. We forgot to sign in. It was an empty enough flight where we kept going. We got our own row. Me and Brenna were flying together, got our own row. There was a mentally challenged person sitting in the front, in front of us with her mom.

And probably 25 or so. So Brenna moves to the center seat to sit next to me but still wanting obviously the aisle seat to be open the handicapped girl comes back from the bathroom and just sits next to brenna next to brenna and we don't want to make us anyone else would go she sat in the wrong seat and she's in the aisle in the front in front of you no she was next to Brenna next to Brenna and we don't want to make us anyone else so she sat in the wrong seat she sat in the wrong seat was she in the aisle in the front

in front of you no she was in the window oh but I didn't want to did her person that was with her say anything well she didn't see her

she was behind her so we didn't I didn't know whether to tap the mom on the shoulder to go hey because I didn't we didn't

we obviously didn't yeah it's open seating we didn't want to make a big deal of it at all. Yeah. But we also were like, hey, we kind of want the row still to lay down. Yeah. So it was just like an interesting dynamic.

If it was not mentally in that person, you would just go, hey, I think you were sitting there. Yeah, yeah, wrong seat. Yeah. So it was just like one of those. I also had the same kind of thing at the wedding. I went to a wedding. So what happened though oh so oh sorry yeah that's it that's all that's all the plane crash um that's a whole

another thing it was the worst flight of our lives it was fucking you flew yes whatever anyways uh so we didn't say anything eventually the mom mom was like, just went on looking after 10 minutes. Like, oh, her daughter's turned around and she's like. And obviously if we said something, it wouldn't have been a big deal just to tap the mom on the shoulder. No, but it would have been like,

it's a problem that she's here. You thought it was going to be like. Yes. And then the mom would be like, why is it a problem that she's sitting next to you? She wants to. It's open seating. Yeah.

Yeah. It was that whole thing. Yes. So we just like, so that was okay so at the wedding and then at the wedding there was we all know the guy that takes over the dance floor you've made fun of him in a special i don't know did it come out it didn't no i didn't talk about the special but yeah yeah yeah but the guy that does the worm at the wedding and like

everyone has to move out of the way because this guy has to have his moment where he is the only talent that he had in college and he doesn't really do it anymore and he doesn't have the upper body strength because he doesn't go to weddings he hasn't been working out but he has the muscle memory of the worm from college when it was like his thing yeah it's not even like a worm anymore it's just like a dead caterpillar like yeah it's a drowned worm like one of that you find floating in the puddle that's still twitching a little bit and you go shouldn't i rescue it but it looks bloated gotcha okay so this guy's clearing the is he mentally no no he's he's he's he's there um he is a a bigger overweight gay black man who I can't even explain

how many times he shoved me to be on the dance literally getting shoved for him to be the center of attention why were you in this way? were you trying to be the center? I swear to god I don't think you were

that's not my MO maybe in my early 20s my Jagerbomb days I would try to take over the dance floor i'm all i swear why wouldn't you just get away from this guy i mean how big was only so big okay gotcha and and i'm getting you're like i'm not the only one that was getting like shoved and like it's one thing when you be when you're the uh the worm guy where you want everyone involved yeah andming, let's

all worm together. Or let's cheer me on as I worm. It's like a group effort. Yeah, let's become worms together. It felt very, I'm the star. It's his garden. He's the only worm in this garden. He's the only worm.

And he's eating a lot of grass. And if you get in his way, he's going to mow you down. So he was just, was he checking you? Was he meaning to bump into you, you think? I think, no, I think it was just, he was so, this is his element. Like, this is his Super Bowl is, a lot of people go to weddings because they, and they gear up. It is, I mean, that's the thing I was most excited about this wedding this weekend was dancing. Yeah, but you want to dance with, you don't want to.

Yes, but I'm just saying I understand that like of like, this about but some people treat it as like this is my chance to shine yeah i mean at one point brings out usually it's the bride who feels that way you would think yeah you would think the bride and the bride had a great time hannah had a great time he brought out a chair one time to give a lap dance to a woman like overly aggressive yeah yeah like wait to hannah or to just any woman another woman wait did anyone ask for this i don't think i don't know if it was asked for all i know is he was trying to have fun but what again if it's a group thing i'm all for it this person lacks social and self-awareness probably and then it's it's like, it goes back to like, he keeps, I keep getting bumped and I'm just like, if I make a scene here, I'm going to not look like a good person.

The coolest guy because this person is clearly, there's not a lot of gay people there. There's probably not a lot of black people there. You're singling out the one gay black guy. It's like, yeah, this is a mostly thin, white, straight wedding. And here I am yelling at the overweight gay black man yeah because it wouldn't be a good look even if it was a fun fight yeah even if it's an open dance yeah so what do you what do you do i didn't do anything you go to the other you just quietly stir and talk about on a a podcast on Monday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's exactly it.

I was just going to Brenna. I was just like, I want to, like, why can't I say? I don't, I get why I can't, but also, and I know. What would you have said? Let's play it out. I don't even know. I mean, oh, I get bumped. I get bumped again.

I go, hey, man, I'm just trying to fucking dance, okay? Can you not bump me? Okay. So aggressive. Well, that's not the best approach because that's very aggressive. Oh, oh. I thought we were just acting. Well, I was actually putting you in the scenario.

Okay. Just did what you would say. Actually, I probably would dial it down. That's how they do it in therapy. Yeah. Go back to the scene. Okay, I would dial it down a little bit. Okay.

Okay. I'm dancing. Hey, can you, hey, man, I'm just trying to. What? What? It's loud. Huh? down a little bit okay okay i'm dancing hey can you excuse me hey man i'm just trying to what what i'm it's loud huh i'm trying to you you've bumped me a few times it's no big deal i bumped you you bump it's not a big deal but just dancing no i know you're dancing but it seems like you're like can you just maybe pay attention to other people i'm calling the aclu please don't i'm just kidding no i think um you know what there's

there's many times in this and this isn't just a thing where you go it's it's about you know race or whatever like you think you're gonna get deemed a racist or uh sex whatever it is there's a lot of times where you don't say something because it's a bigger hassle to say something than it is to not say something and you know i was giving this example when i do meet and greets and someone touches me inappropriately it's a bigger thing i have to stay around that person longer if i go will you please not touch me there this is a little tight why are you grabbing my boob then they go i didn't know and then i have to go and they'll go i i'm not the type of guy that does that like i'm so embarrassed then then all of a sudden matt

gets involved then you get involved then that guy goes away and he's being then now he's getting ornery and he won't leave because he did he's misunderstood and he's embarrassed that he got caught then eventually I have to go sir it's okay I just didn't like it and he'll go that's not who I am then I have to talk to this man for probably 10 more minutes and have to listen to him apologize and then apologize to him for taking his thing the wrong way and it's like because people can't when they get confronted they get defensive instantly it's never their fault i mean i had a moment like that on the subway years ago i'm the same way where there was a um i believe to be a like a middle eastern man he was holding a briefcase that was like metal, which is obviously fine,

but he was looking at his watch, doing a countdown to himself while holding this briefcase with a very stern, sweaty look, which if by all accounts would be what a bomber would probably look like. If you had to draw it up, if you had to cast it and he's going you know in his native tongue like looking at his watch holding the briefcase and i'm saying cast it if you're like a racist like stereotypical caster don't come at me for being like why would you cast him if he

was like that yeah so so he's going he's going right and like really stern and like no one else has seen that and i'm like am i imagining this and then i go if i call this guy out and go i think he has a bomb he has a bomb i i would and then he doesn't he goes what are you doing i'm just so many times we don't say things because we don't want to look stupid we don't want to look racist we don't want to look yes you know so what i did is i got off at the next stop and let other people before i've done that before i mean this has happened to me on the train too before i did that i stood talk about how dumb i am i stood i turned my back and i like arched because i felt if the explosion comes you want to arch your back and give into it? I wanted to go with the bomb.

I would give anything for footage of you arching your back. I wanted to go with the bomb. Oh, my God. And then I got off on like 40 seconds. And just kept checking your phone to see if there were any alerts. Oh, my God.

You see something, say something is not easy, man. Well man well dude i was on a plane waiting for the bathroom at the very back of the plane and i saw a guy with his laptop out and um he had his laptop out and it was the controls to a 747 like he was like the cockpit like a simulation of the cockpit and he looks shady he's in the back no one's paying attention it's dark and he's like going over the controls and i was like oh my god and then i saw he was wearing shorts and i was like we're fine wait wait i literally kill yourself you're wearing shorts you finally don't care no why did shorts make you feel okay for some reason him wearing shorts i go this guy's not

a terrorist i just i relaxed and he was too obvious about it i'm like he would have a screen dim he would not be practicing in the back like You go through of how obvious this would look. But I have always said there are so many times where women do not get attacked or they don't want to be rude. They don't want to say, I feel unsafe right now because that might make that guy feel uncomfortable, white, black, whatever he is. It might make the person uncomfortable to be like, I don't want to help you find your dog right now or i don't want to help you carry this thing to your

car injured man because even though you have this sneaking little voice in your back of your head that goes this he could kill you you just go this is that's too embarrassing you know i the classic story i've humiliated myself when i ran away from a guy that i thought was going to murder me he didn't murder me and i was embarrassed when he didn't, but that's insane to be embarrassed. Like, I'm so sorry you didn't murder me. I, but I thought I was, and I honored that fear. Um, but sometimes that fear is based on racist stereotypes. And so that is, it's difficult. Yeah. Maybe there's a, some kind of, maybe there's a Ted talk on this. Maybe there's something, I'm sure there kind of information out there of like how to address something that you're afraid of without coming i mean i'm sure black people deal with it all the

time i'm sure a woman crossing the street or a cop a white cop they see a white cop who seems angry they probably feel the same way and then you go hey this white cop seems a little racist oh well i how do you know what are you doing he's not racist like what's like you can't you can't you know i'm on like that fucking horrible thing that happened in buffalo i'm sure someone so many times people like this kid was on the fbi list or some shit or yeah and then they're like oh my god i'm reading this fucking columbine book i can't even believe it it's so fucking good well you know there was the shooting yes oh yeah i mean i've got to wait 25 years to read a book about that but i i'm really backed up with my mass shootings and all the information i can glean i'm like i can't hear

anything about this i'm in the middle of combine yeah yeah you don't want to mess it up no that i mean that is but i'm sure someone saw this motherfucker at some point and was like that looks like a bag that has a gun in it or what what a white guy with an AK-47, you go, ah, he's just having fun doing his things. Why does an 18-year-old need to buy a Bushmaster? But the thing is, I was asking Chris that yesterday. What's a Bushmaster? It's like a, you know, well, it sounds terrible, but I think it's like a gun that can kill a lot of people.

Like an AK-47, it's a weapon that is not used typically for like hunting animals or whatever it's like and he goes i go target practice the only thing is target practice why don't we stop doing target like what are we targeting yeah what are we trying to hit does anyone need that kind of gun what is an 18 year old boy that has a you know a web blog about with you... If you have a manifest... You should Google someone's name if they have a manifesto online. How about they don't get sold a gun? But we're so beyond that.

It's insane. I mean, you... I was watching a jumpster. It's also the FBI. I mean, they let a bunch of gymnasts get molested for years and they failed at that. Dude.

Columbine. Just failures everywhere. Eric Harris. They all knew. He had been reported 20 times to the local and there was an affidavit uh for a search warrant because there was speculation that he was building pipe bombs that was never never followed up on so and then they covered then columbine covered that up for ev you know the police force covered that up that there was ever calls in and

like there's all this they they knew but you know think how many times it doesn't turn into a school shooting and they go this is a waste of our kids are building things these are like false reports it's just how much of it is laziness how many times is columbine is it false report fucking good like how many other reports are they getting though like that's what i want to know i want to know how many how many other kids are getting called on 20 times like that can't be that has to be an anomaly right like yes i mean like it's so is it the boy that cried wolf essentially like oh oh here's eric whatever again well doing whatever family that reported him 20 times yes um they in the in the post, you know, in the weeks after Columbine, they were actually being targeted as they knew. And they should, and they're like, we tried to do something.

And it was like, nobody, and they only knew because their son was friends with him. That's how they knew. And so then they turned into like, you were probably in a, your son was an accomplice. So they, they were ones that were trying to prevent it before it ever happened, and they ended up being- So why do you notice inside information? Well, because like- It's very, that book is so damn good.

I know, like I'm a morbid person who likes to read about this kind of stuff, but I did not know how great, whatever this guy, I'm gonna find whatever else he's written. It's so good. But speaking of things that you should consume, my show, fourth episode aired last night, and it was's so good. But speaking of things that you should consume,

my show, fourth episode aired last night, and it was so freaking good. We have to get this in the news, but it was us going to Chicago, going to the Bird Place, and then us doing a show, me worrying about doing bits in front of my parents. And Chris and my parents are in the balcony.

I remember it. Those Muppets. They are so well balcony. I remember it. Like those Muppets. Like they are so well lit. I had to skip past that part. I couldn't watch it because I just didn't want to watch what they had to hear. And then, yeah, it's a good episode though. It's really funny. I mean, I look bad in a lot of scenes.

I'm just like, oh boy. It was my purpose to look bad. Like not my purpose, but I didn't try to look great. And it just doesn't. It's you rebelling against your mom again. I just am like. Right? Like the whole idea of her cleaning the house. Yeah.

You're like, I'm just going to show who I am. Yeah. I'm not going to be cool or cool. Oh, boy. I got called out for being cool. Age is scary. Wait, wait. Okay.

For the truck, but whatever. Oh, I mean, that was supposed to be cool. That was a joke. Of course. Yeah. You can't get called cool for that. I got got could it could okay let's get to the news and then we'll talk a little bit more about um we'll we'll cover the wedding all throughout the the weddings we didn't even get to yeah we got my wedding uh well not my real wedding but the one

i went to this weekend we both went it was a wedding weekend uh let's get to the news you heard it here first yeah you heard it here first. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. You heard it here first. Apparently, hopefully you heard it. I hope you had a great weekend. We had a wedding weekend. We had all the swells, except for a couple things there. And then, yeah, it was all the swells, though.

I hope you had all the swells. And, you know, it's swelling up. Everybody swells over there. If you're getting too swelly, don't worry about it. Let's just get to the news. Back to you, Noah. All right. Well, tell me if you saw this trend happening at the weddings you're at this weekend move over duck pout it's all about dead face dead eyes dead face influencers are adopting a disassociative gaze with rolled eyes and a blank expression because it lets them express Yeah, I mean, beauty ironically is kuh.

It's like being beautiful while you're not trying to look beautiful. What is it? Let me see it. No, that looks like you just finished a race. Okay, so what do you want more? Sexier than that? I think close your mouth. Let me see're i don't i think close your mouth let me see what you got okay close your mouth or if you open it you just kind of you don't stick your

tongue out like you are you just go like okay so half dead so do it roll your like stop mid roll don't roll your eyes full there you go yeah just kind of like yeah dead eyes dead dead face um yeah i see this all the time yeah it's um you look cute if you're young and you look like oh i'm playing dead because i'm so far from death but the older you get you shouldn't be doing dead face because you you're close to the great honey it's like a young person wearing mom jeans yes yeah where it's ironically because you're yeah if you're wearing like an old man's sweater you're like a darling little it just exemplifies how young you are because it looks so different yes um no i didn't see this this at the wedding i saw um i was completely overdressed so overdressed i tried to i bought

two dresses from reformation based on brenna got hers I bought them a size too big so they looked like I was going to like I was part of some like Mormon coming of age ceremony in those so I trashed those the only thing that fit me was this dress that it was far too dressy but it was so it's so cute I mean it just looked like I was trying to be like the center of attention it was just too much it was at a country club it was just a nice reception outside and mine was like a sparkly pink dress and it was just too much and I felt like if I saw myself I'd be like she wants us all to know she's on tv she's gotta stand out and it just was a little like but in the end but I got a lot of compliments and I would always say I overdressed I I know I did. It's the only thing that fit me. Yeah, but it's still such a cute dress. Loved my look. And, yeah, I did a roast at the beginning of it with Chris. Chris and I roasted Tim and his bride, and that was really fun.

We wrote roast jokes on the way up, and that was well-received. I danced a lot um there was a good band called entourage that played the wedding if you're getting married in the skokie illinois area where my mom's from oh really skokie it's such a i think i've only heard that word like or that town as a um joke skokie skokie illinois it just seems like such a fun a punchline unusual suspects that's how he finds out who kaiser soshay is it's one of the things spoiler alert yeah he was a band and a quartet in skokie illinois and he like put it together and my mom was born and raised it's a big jewish population what was your favorite part of the wedding it was a great wedding like other than like it was a lot of reality show people. So everyone wanted to be the star.

That was the only thing. But other than that, like, the family, the speeches were phenomenal. They were all from the heart. They were great speeches. They weren't, like, overdone. Yeah. Like, I don't know. Like, I loved that.

Good food. Good food. It was on the beach. The weather was shitty, but it kind of like the opposites played well. Yeah. Were their vows so romantic and sweet? The vow? No, the quick vows.

Oh, good. I love a quick. Yes. The priest, judge, da, da, da, was very funny. Oh, good. But like maybe overly, like trying to. But did a good job. But did a good job. did a good job um yeah all

in all a lot of a little bit of drama was there partying afterwards there was but got out you didn't do it didn't go because it required you to be drunk in a way that you weren't i didn't want to do it yes and we were staying a little drama yeah it was drama a lot of dance crying going on dance crying people crying while dancing yeah wow that only happened to there was a nephew at the thing that was he was three and he was crying and i picked him up to comfort him yeah and everyone saw me with him and go what did you do to him and i'm like i'm comfort he was crying before i picked him up like but everyone and and then he kept crying more because everyone that looked at him would go oh no and give him that face of like oh and then he feels like he's an idiot for crying

so i was just trying to like get him away from people so i could be like let's look at this to like like because i think when a lot of times when kids cry like yes they want attention which he was getting from me i was holding him he wanted to be in my arms like he gave into it and then as soon as i held him everyone looked at me like I was the one making him crying like that I was like preventing him from going to find his mom or whatever but it wasn't that I was like actually I could I could feel him like relieved

in my arms and then suddenly everyone's coming up being like what's wrong and he felt so embarrassed and then eventually he just like runs out of my arms and I'm like god I was so close look at this woman dressed up fancier than everyone else holding a crying there were a lot of fans there a girl sassy shout out to sassy she's a bestie I was walking by and it was funny because as soon as people got a little bit more

booze in them they were more comfortable like being like hey I I like you or like I know you or whatever um but sassy I walked by her she was cute. She was the one at the wedding that I was like, I bet she dated Chris or something because she's so beautiful. And like, I wonder how they all know her. Like this one's one to watch. Like she was just so hot. I was like, I love her dress.

I love everything about her. I was like a little bit like jealous. Like, oh, she probably hates me because she probably thinks I'm like trying to actually, I'm not as cute as she is. I don't know. I was projecting a lot. You projected a lot.

So much. I was just like, she probably hates me because she's like the cutest one here and i'm probably getting more attention because i'm like a dumb reality celebrity when really she should be the center of attention because she's like really hot and then i was walking by her and she just goes bestie and i go and she was like i'm so embarrassed but i like and then she showed me her text thread and she had sent like a mysterious picture that she snuck from like she was behind me being like there she is like she was such a fan so shout out to sassy i'm sorry i assume so much about you but you're just hot and pretty next story you gotta take a dead face picture with her next time oh my god yes okay

um this is a story submitted by bestie er. A Canadian university is offering a course about Taylor Swift and her literary legacy. So if you're a student at Queen's University in Ontario. I will be in the fall. You can try and get into a new course where you can study Swift's music, the literature she references, her films, and her music videos. And apparently the topic of the cultural studies course changes each year, so

these people are just lucky to have that as a subject. I think it's a great move for universities to have a Taylor Swift course. It gets, and people, Swifties are diehard. There's a lot in high school right now. You'll get attention, you'll get press, people will enroll, like, these classes. There's a lot of this going on right now with Swift'll get attention. You'll get press. People will enroll.

These classes, there's a lot of this going on right now with Swift. There's a new one every week. Even though in college I cheated on everything and didn't really go to class, but there was a class on Tom Petty. Oh, yeah. I took a jazz class,

and all we did was watch Ken Burns' jazz series, and it was awesome. It was awesome. I loved it. Oh, you didn't have to learn any music theory no no just learned about the history of jazz and there was supplemental things that we had to do for it as well but um i yeah i loved any kind of class like that what you really do is learn how to analyze art which is a you know it's just a good thing to do to be smarter i think

is to learn how to analyze and write about art and how to take it apart. I also think as a kid, like a teenager, like even in college, like some of this poetry, it's too much. Like with these like double entendre, all that shit, you know, like I don't need, I just want, give me.

Poetry really like. I love poetry if it's. If it's bottle throttle. Yes. Simple rhymes. Simple rhymes, ABAB. Yes. I am a pentameter. Yeah. really like i love poetry if it's if it's bottle throttle simple rhymes simple rhymes abab i am mcbendam yeah that's what i like i don't need to like you know i don't want to put it put it together yep yep give it and i feel like taylor swift she she does that a little bit but usually you get you get it no man she's got so many things going on that you don't even know oh she's she's talking in all these little twists and turns and calling back to things that you didn't like the depth of what she's capable of is insane so it's intentional when she puts

that oh yeah or do people put it on that like do people you know there's sometimes people are like well she included 13 letters in this one you know verse and then in the next one it's five letters and then the next one is 13 that means that on 5 13 she's going to be releasing this like so people do go crazy about stuff but there's um there's a lot that she does that i go well this girl is thinking she's thinking on another level yeah man there was was this one clip about Kendrick Lamar. He does this song about, I forget what it's about, but it's about just the numerology

that happens within it of like, the things he's talking about, the number of, you know, verses that add up to the number of things. And he's, I mean, it is like, you know, your mind does like a beautiful mind like tricks. Like this guy broke it down

of all the numerology that's happening within it and it's insane. I'll save it. I'll do a Reddit on it. Can that guy break down? She hits the bar. I know.

I just, as an artist, I just go, God, I am just not, when I see stuff like that where they're doing cryptic things where it's like

the sub meaning of this is referencing back to this and then you add these up and then it equals this and that's not gonna pay off until the third album, which she knew was coming in. Like, I just, I go,

I am just really not, I'm an idiot. I don't do anything special like that. Mine's very just simple, just is what it, there's no. I mean, how many comics though are like not filling in the blanks for people?

I mean, there is that, that alternative comedy where it's like, we're not doing jokes where you should understand it just how it is or based off an attitude or, and I think sometimes though, artists though, don't intentionally do it.

And that by observing art, you can actually sense something that's going on in this artist's life that they didn't even intend to tell you. And you can get it right about it, which I think is very interesting because you could, if, if they going on in this artist's life that they didn't even intend to tell you and you can get it right about it which i think is very interesting because you could if if they go on to study my stuff they'll be able to find things about me that i didn't even know i was telling people oh for sure yeah yeah maybe pay off in later works that i wasn't even able to see at the time but like oh she was foreshadowing this but it's like no i wasn't i just didn't know what was going on um there's this thing that keeps

popping up for me right now which is so weird is that Anya told me I guess a couple weeks ago she was like you know Matt was talking about your Matt Pond my tour manager and um he's you know friend musician he was talking about he was like you know Nikki talks about really dirty things and you know is really wacky and goofy and gross sometimes. But like overall, she's very wholesome. Nikki's a wholesome person. And that's the first time I'd ever heard that. Right.

She was like, it was just so cute that Matt was like, Nikki's actually really wholesome. She loves her family. She really loves that. I say that a lot to people because they have an like I have a friend be like, dude, does she like fuck all the time? I'm like, she's so not that whatever whatever you're getting i've never been described as wholesome but matt said it and i and i've always been trying to communicate like i am not what people think of me but i've never thought of wholesome i would never describe myself as that it's almost like the word adorable where i'm like so flattered people think i'm wholesome and then it is so weird because i keep hearing wholesome about myself in so i'm like did

i talk about on the podcast why do people keep saying wholesome to me it is a review i've been getting people write to me or like you're so wholesome i love that your comedy is wholesome you have a wholesome message like it's do you ever like start seeing something everywhere and like it takes one thing to unleash it and you get it everywhere? Amy, my friend last night was like, I love your show. I can watch it with my mom. It's so wholesome. And I go, did you hear me say wholesome and how I like that on the podcast?

Did I mention on the podcast that I've been getting that? She's like, no. And I'm like, that is so weird. It's so nice. Yeah. I get what you're saying. It's almost like you know how your phone listens to you, but everybody's listening to you.

Yes, yes. Did the message get out? But I do think that the TV show, you know, it is. I mean, compared to what reality TV has become, even if you are saying dirty words or you're acting or whatever, like the idea that we're not trying to stab each other in the back and we're not talking to the camera other in the back and we're not talking to the camera like this fucking bitch nikki thinks she's my boss and she's gonna

fucking do this i'm gonna fucking cut her in the middle two yeah well that would be actually pretty cool yeah yeah yeah no it isn't just about you know what i mean so i think that's that's coming into your life that came through on last night's episode because even though you were talking about like your your act on stage and talking about anal and yeah sucking a dick where it gets to your heart and stuff like that yeah it's just so funny um in the testimonials you were also talking about i haven't slept with with anyone except for chris in like eight years it's been eight years already in the last two i've i've been totally celibate so yes you know it that like dichotomy or whatever and i'm not lying on stage it's just people are

not contextualizing it like i talk about sex on stage but they don't realize it's with the same person and i you know maybe you say that they cut they cut um i know you do say that at some point sometimes in your act you'll say i do i only fucked the same person for eight years yeah but i i and they cut the scene with my parents last night and thank god because my parents were like nikki you need to have them cut that i can't believe you said that my mom was so horrified but i was like i feel like a porn star a lot of times with how like embarrassed people are of what i do and they just they kind of wink at me like i've seen you and like i and i say that with like i love porn stars and i can only imagine what it's like for them to like be proud of their work and have to go out and always act ashamed and have other people

act ashamed on behalf of them and have their families be like well we can't watch your stuff it's like i don't want you to just let me i don't i don't want to go watch you weld shit you know like you don't have to know we don't need to talk about my profession all the time but it goes back this bad thing it goes back to that feeling though that your mother wouldn't want to watch you perform every porn star probably feels i mean it'd be weird if the parents like i fucking love watching my daughter fuck but right but like that feeling like every porn star has that feeling of my mom saying i wouldn't watch any porn like that like my daughter any porn that you no no my mom said i wouldn't watch if she wasn't my daughter i wouldn't watch her yeah yeah yeah so like it wasn't about me it was about the content

she doesn't like my content if someone else was doing my content she would not care to see it oh okay so across the board she wouldn't watch any porn no like well it would be i get what you're saying it would just be my mom being like i don't like her music because like my mom being like if your mom was cardi b's if cardi b's mom said to her i can't listen to my daughter not because she's if she wasn't my daughter you think your mom would say if she wasn't my daughter i would love wop but hearing my daughter sing that it's hard no it's like i wouldn't even like this song if it wasn't you i just don't like what you do and i yeah as a porn star my mom doesn't watch porn so i wouldn't be hurt if my mom was like i wouldn't watch you even if you weren't my daughter but when you're a comedian and your mom does like comedians you're like oh okay i get what you're

saying yeah i hear you we gotta go to break let's come back. Why do I care? Your mom being like, I like watching so many other women fuck. It's not even a daughter issue. If it wasn't you, I just don't like the way you move your hips. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now.

Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager. Responsible and driven and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail.

It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened, and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community and I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps.

Listen to CRIMS as part of the My Gulura Podcast Network, available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. When I smoke weed, I get lost in the music. I like to isolate each instrument. The rhythmic bass, the harmonies on the piano, the sticky melody. Hey. Hey. Careful, babe. There's someone crossing the street. Sorry, I didn't see him there. If you feel different,

you drive different. Don't drive high. It's dangerous and illegal everywhere. A message from NHTSA and the Ad Council. Can you hear it? A message from NHTSA and the Ad Council. Keep going. You can do this. They're always talking. The one you listen to shapes your life. I'm Eric Zimmer, host of The One You Feed. On my podcast, we explore how to hear the voice that matters, the one that leads you to courage, wisdom, and love.

It's not about perfection. It's about direction. Millions of listeners have fed their good wolf. Now it's your turn. Listen to The One You Feed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, I'm Jay Shetty, and my latest interview is with Mel Robbins. The theory is very simple. It is a mindset tool that instantly helps you identify what's in your control and what's not in your control. Renowned motivational speaker, best-selling author, Mel Robbins.

Work has been seen as the number one cause of stress. How can the Let them theory help? As you notice the stress come up, Jay, you're simply going to say, let them. You have no idea right now how much time and energy is being wasted because of other people's behavior. It's like a death by a thousand cuts. Listen to On Purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right. We're back.

Why do I care? We killed so many stories, dude. Oh, my God. Bam, bam, bam. Boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom. Why do I care? All right.

Megan Fox tells a stylist she cut a hole in her blue jumpsuit to have sex with Machine Gun Kelly. It was hard to get off or something, and they were just eager. She wasn't going to wear it out again, right? It was this sequined blue, it was a very cute jumpsuit. Here's what she wrote to her stylist. Was this blue outfit expensive because we just cut a hole in the crotch so we could have sex? The stylist responded,

I hate you, alongside three laughing emojis before adding, I'll fix it. Okay, so it was probably at the end of the night. She didn't want to take it off. It's so hot to have sex when you have clothes on. There's something hot about it.

And about destroying property in order to just get it in and not like just you want it so bad you know slid your panties to the side like that jay z line in that one song like is so hot to me of just like just disrespecting clothes someone cutting something off of you someone ripping it so yeah i like it i like them again i do like them, again. I do like them. Very cut points, but... Yeah, they're so cut. They're very... I go back and forth on whether I hate Machine Gun Kelly or not. Oh, yeah.

But I do think, like, he just likes this, what he's doing. I don't think it's just for the likes and what he... You know what I mean? I just think he really... He might like the likes, though. Yes. You might just like the likes and what he you know what i mean i just think he might like the likes though like you might just like the feeling of getting likes and is that is that wrong that that's what you like you know yeah or you like to have people go he's cool like you might like that so then is that wrong like i just i know i was watching a video of him i showed you this video from back in the day where he's just in a bookstore or a music store and he's just rapping with a backwards hat oh my god

it's a white t-shirt and he fucking owns it like owns it and you go well you're already good enough yeah to be somewhat of him he wanted to be a star like like Kanye want to be a fashion icon yeah once did he wanted to delve into fashion a bit more you mean you change your look up you're not wearing boots today oh for sure yeah because you once wore dirty tennis shoes doesn't mean like man he was himself in those dirty tennis shoes why is he wearing boots like you know you're allowed to try oh yeah you're oh i i get it i go through that too of like yeah you just i just want people to like me for me. And why is not me enough? Because we're all human.

And on a human level, I should be able to connect with you without going over the top for you having to notice me. Yes. But you're like – But then also wanting to do that so that you get that love because you realize it is contingent. Like I was doing Caitlin Bristow's podcast the other day. She's from – you've had her on your podcast. It's called off the vine i think it's gonna be on this week but at one point she's like talking about like you know

like the people that love you they're gonna love you despite what you look like and despite what you're and i go no i like there's a part of me that likes you because you're cute i like your hair i like your fashion i like your face i i'm not gonna lie caitlin i like you because you're cute it's not the only reason there's a good poem by the way but i like it this poem that you just I like your face. I, I'm not going to lie, Caitlin. I like you because you're cute. It's not the only reason. This is a good poem, by the way. But I like it. This poem that you just wrote, the I like, I really love it.

Okay, good. Well, it's leading to another piece that I'm going to do in seven years about love. And you'll see that I wasn't ready to tackle love at this point in my life because I was struggling with it. I noticed a one, three, four in that. It was funny, though, to be able to say to her like, yeah, like you're not wrong for wanting to have work done on your face or whatever,

because we're just trying to get people to like us more because it actually does get you to, if you're prettier, people like you more. I mean, this is, I've talked about this ad nauseum, but like this whole thing of like, just worry about what's inside. Shut up. People care about the outside. Why do you think people were so fucking mad nauseam but like this whole thing of like just worry about what's inside shut up people care

about the outside why do you think people were so fucking mad when my show interrupted the met gala because you wanted to see what people looked like we weren't seeing anyone's souls on that carpet e fans were ravenous for my fucking soul and wanted to behead me because they they cut off met gala arrivals for my dumb reality show where i'm trying to be more real it's like no one wants more real we like people that look shiny and pretty those people's souls left a long time ago yeah that's how they lost their weight it's a new diet by kim k lose your soul gain a follower oh yeah you lose how many ounces isn't it like 22 ounces if you lose your

soul that's so funny there's this new diet if you're trying to shed that extra little bit of weight there's a little it's your inner thigh is where your soul is called soulless yeah soulless cycle and the whole time you just kick dogs it helps you get to a place where you have no soul. Okay, let's get to our Monday segment. It's top one, bottom one. We are going to say the top one. The cycle is so funny. In the bottom one.

Seeing someone pedal enough and you just see them fly. But you know that it's like 21 grams or something is the weight of a soul. That's why that one movie is called 21 grams or 20 something grams it's about a soul it's like they've noticed that when bodies die the soul has apparently some sort of matter material uh you know weight to it and it's it's grams but for someone to go like man if i just become a sociopath i can i can fit into these jeans if i lose that extra 22 grams. Okay. Top one, bottom one. What's the category? I did that with my nipples.

Today's category is appliances. Alright. Appliances. Top one, bottom one. This was hard. I was looking around my kitchen. I was like, who do I love? Well, appliances are anything like in your... anywhere. That is just like things... What's the definition of an appliance?

Can you look that up, Noah? Because that is difficult. I was looking at, I was in my bathroom when we came up with this. So I'm looking around my bathroom for stuff. Oh, bathroom appliance.

But I think appliances are, they're everywhere. I think. Okay, what's your, yeah. A device or piece of equipment designed to perform a specific task, typically a domestic one.

Great, okay. That makes sense. They're robots. They're little, little machines. We don't one. Great. Okay. They're robots. They're little machines. We don't think of them as robots. They're robots. Okay. So what are we going with? What's your least favorite appliance?

I mean, this was tough, man. I went with the toaster. I'm sorry, buddy. Just because you don't need it? I just don't use it. I don't use it. I put you away. I know you're sad in there. I just don't use it. I don't use it. I put you away. I know you're sad in there.

It's always hard to clean the bottom of them. Yeah. Oh, God. And I just keep burning the bits. Also, getting the food out of it. It's like, you know, you're getting the bread out. If it's too small of bread, you're just a sad little guy in there. And I'm sorry, but yeah, toaster.

Toaster. Although Eggos are good in there. Okay. Well, it seems like you're really torn on this. No, I'm not that torn. You're toaster. You're down. Stay out.

Get out of here. What about you, Noah? Mine has to be my vacuum cleaner. And the thing specifically about it that I hate, besides the fact that it's so heavy, is that the cord is not retractable. So it constantly gets tied up. I constantly run over it.

It constantly falls off the handle when I'm trying to carry around the vacuum. It's so inconvenient. I would have never known a vacuum's an appliance. Oh, really? Did you know that? Yeah. Well, it's helping you. So a Dodge Buster's an appliance?

It's a domestic task. Why would you think it is an appliance? I literally thought there was maybe what do you think it was several appliances but what what why wouldn't a vacuum be an appliance like what what in your mind is an appliance that a vacuum does not i i didn't think it was a car a vehicle huh did you think it was a vehicle on an appliance no uh the vacuum cleaner did you think it was a Yeah, like what would it be if it's not an appliance? Is a Roomba an appliance? Yes.

But think about what your definition of appliance is that makes that not, like what about it? I didn't know the definition of appliance until Noah just read it. I know, but there was something in your mind, though, that an appliance was that a vacuum would not fit into. I thought an appliance was everything in the kitchen and then the washer dryer. Other than that, nothing else applies to that okay yeah that makes sense what else is an appliance what's an appliance in the bathroom you were saying hair dryer uh my my clothes steamer curling iron hair Hair straightener. Electric toothbrush. Is everything an appliance now? A humidifier.

Curling rod. A set of curling things. I don't even know what you've been using. I was this many years old when my life changed a lot. When you found out. So is this an appliance or a headphone? No. No, because you don't get to have them in. It has to have electricity charging it. Yeah, it has to work on its own. or a headphone? No. No, because you don't get to have them in. It has to have electricity charging it.

Yeah, it has to work on its own. Computer and appliance? Yes. Well, it's kind of like an electronic. Yeah, maybe not an appliance. That's why I asked for the definition. It is murky. But I will say my least favorite.

Toaster. Yeah, what's your least favorite? After hearing all that, toaster, you're still on the bottom, bitch. My least favorite appliance is probably the dryer because a dryer, although it's so beneficial, I just don't, every single part of my, like all my clothes get shrunk no matter what. They all get that like kind of dusty dryer look and i do clean out the lint thing every single time i just think dryers ruin clothes and they never give me i always convince myself that you know a lot of times you have like a huge packed you know washer and everything's wet and you kind of can't tell what's in it and you just convince yourself like this is all good to

go in the dryer i oh i never think let me go piece by piece. I always just go, it's fine. I remember. I remove the things that are delicate that need to be and I always shrink things and then I give them to Anya because once they're shrunk, they would fit her. So I've given many of like a really nice Isabelle Marant sweater and or dress to Anya because it just gets

shrunk just enough and there's nothing more annoying to me than short sleeves. When a sleeve, that's why I buy all sweatshirts extra long, because I love having baggy sleeves that I can grip onto. If it even comes up at half an inch above my wrist, I am disgusted by it. And then I step on the sleeve, and then I pull it. The other thing with a dryer, too.

And then I rip the sleeve. It's a whole mess. I have a weird kind of shaped body. A little bit weird where if I buy 33 jeans, I have to wear them a little bit. I do a lot of work to get these jeans

to fit my weird body. Yeah. And then the dryer goes, you dude. Yeah. Remember you're like, you got to go through it all again, bitch. Oh man.

I love the dryer though for jeans that are too big and you want to give them a little tightening and like there's some jeans I have that are baggy that have the perfect amount. So, but the dryer though for jeans that are too big and you want to give them a little tightening and there's some jeans I have that are baggy that have the perfect amount. But the dryer has caused me so much self-hatred because I go, other girls' clothes are always so crisp

or so soft and my dryer just sucks. And don't write to me about fabric softener and all this stuff. I've tried everything. There's something about me that is inherently stained. It's been a while and my clothes are just stiff and gross coming out of the dryer

and it doesn't matter what dryer I have. Can I ask a question about the toaster? Because the dryer fighting you back, I didn't even think about the toaster fighting back.

If a toaster's plugged in, you're trying to get the Eggo out or a small piece of bread and you go in with a fork or knife, can you get electrocuted? No. Yes. Okay.

Don't do that. Okay. I just wanted to know. Okay. Favorite. Top appliance. Yes. Did you think that was like something that happens in cartoons?

I've been living on the edge, boy. Just in cartoons? Huh? Yeah. Just turn it off. You can do it once it's off, but unplug it, and then you're fine. All right. Cool.

Yeah. Are you going in the bath with a toaster too? Oh, my God. What's going on with you, dude? This isn't making sense. Okay. All right, cool. Yeah. You going in the bath with a toaster too? Oh my God. What's going on with you, dude? Now this is making sense. Okay, go. Electronics. These are things, electricity.

Yeah, okay. All right. Appliance. Top of appliance. I mean, it's got to be, it's a tie, but I mean, this is so hack, but dishwasher. I've lived in New York for seven years without a dishwasher. I'll change my answer. I don't, dishwasher is my bottom. Who cares? Don't need it. years without a dishwasher. I'll change my answer. I don't,

dishwasher is my bottom. Who cares? Don't need it. Never have, never will. Don't like it. It conserves water. It does?

Yeah, I guess. Conserves water use, yeah. But I have to, I have to wash off every dish before it goes in. I don't want any dish in the dishwasher to have anything on it. Oh, because you double wash.

No. What? You wash before a wash. Right, so it's not conserving water for me but like if you put in a dirty dish in the dishwasher it doesn't always get clean it if it's old if you leave a lot of eyes yeah if you leave a lot of old shit you run it every day i just i don't know maybe now that i'm hearing this maybe maybe the dishwasher has gone down my dishes enough that

when they're ready to go in the dishwasher, I go, I've already cleaned this. It's ready to go. You have cleaned it a little bit. It's already ready. There's no smudge on it. I don't care about germs, microscopic germs. If I can't see a germ, I don't give a fuck about it.

Dishwashers are a waste of space. I run them maybe once every two months. Here's the thing. I didn't have a dishwasher for seven or eight years living in New York. And that's how I got used to not having one. I've never had one. But now that I have one, I think it eight years living in New York. And that's how I got used to not having one. I know. But now that I have one, I think it's a luxury in my mind. Really?

And emptying it and everything. You do all that. That's so much work. Yeah, I do. I don't like it. I kind of like the process. Okay. I'm learning to love the process.

Noah, what's your top one? So I can shit all over it. Yeah. Yeah. I was just like, damn. I don't know. Maybe the toaster is number one. That's how much I hate that thing. I So I can shit all over it. Yeah, yeah. I was just like, damn. I don't know. Maybe the toaster is number one. I think you're going to love it.

You're not going to shit on it because- Well, I'm not going to think it's an appliance. I'll tell you that. Yeah. Probably not. Learn something. But a pencil? It's definitely a little bit of a splurge.

It's a Nespresso milk frother. Oh, yeah. That is a frother. Oh, yeah. That is a good appliance. Wait, wait, what is it? Okay, so if froth's hot and cold for iced coffee. That word is not coming in my mouth. I'll tell you that. Froth?

I mean, your mouth is a frother. You put some milk in there, you will get it foaming within minutes his is lukewarm you do a cold and a hot he's got a just a body temperature i could save you a lot of money you don't need a dishwasher or a froth put in your mouth okay throw it in my mouth froths oat milk which because i don't drink cow's milk i think it's gross yes uh if froths uh almond milk like all like the milk alternatives and makes it nice and thick for me and i use it every single day yeah i use it every day i love a frother that's a good one um i got a nespresso machine recently yeah that thing's dope yeah i got one too oh you do well we have whatever that is oh it's the same it comes in

four anyways go ahead comes in four what why didn't you pick four different sizes someone bought it for us so it comes in a little espresso they come one two three four so depending on how much coffee you want you get the same amount of caffeine but in a smaller thing that's literally on every single cappuccino machine is the size that you want. And it is based on, you put in one pot, so it's not like it's, we had it, I have one out here that does that same thing

that you used a million times. You would think. You would think. My favorite appliance is what I just got. I bought it the other night. In the middle of the night, I was fucking so hot. I couldn't sleep. My room would not get below 65 degrees,

and I like a good 61, and my room usually does that because it's been it was 90 degrees last week and so i bought the bed jet which is not a sponsor i'm not saying any they didn't give me any kind of deal but it's an air conditioner for your bed and you put um i bought special sheets that you have now wait what does it do so it is a little tube that comes up the side of the leg of the bed onto the mattress. And it's almost like a vacuum for your car. It has a little nozzle that attaches to your sheet and blows air into your sheets underneath you to keep you cool at night. So I'm going to... Have you tried it yet?

No, I just bought it the other night on a whim. So this is number one and you haven't even tried it? Yeah, I'm so excited about it. It seems like you're getting ahead of yourself. It better be worth it. It was number one and you haven't even tried it? Yeah, I'm so excited about it. It seems like you're getting ahead of yourself. It better be worth it. It was $600. I'm just tired of being hot when I sleep. I just don't want to ever be hot again.

It just makes my sleep hell. Are you going to feel like there's a guy under your sheets just blowing on your face? Great. That's the added bonus. It whispers to you too. I like your bunions. That's the added bonus. It whispers to you too. I like your brunions. That's $800. That's exciting.

Who was the guy that signed shows at it? Sorry. Oh, that guy was, we hired him. Yeah, sometimes there are, well, you know, for that episode that it was on last night, there was a guy in Chicago who was massaging my feet backstage.

We hired him as like a bit because I'm always like, God, I want to foot massage so bad backstage. And like, it was a guy in chicago who was massaging my feet backstage we hired him as like a bit because i'm always like god i want to foot massage so bad backstage and like it was a bit of me trying to get andrew to massage my feet so it was going to be like a thing that paid off more than it did in the episode it just looked like i had a random guy rubbing my feet backstage but there was like a storyline behind that that didn't end up like coming to fruition but i that is my dream is to hire a masseuse every place i go i need a masseuse in st louis by the way if anyone knows of a good masseuse i am in desperate need of one i can't deal with this anymore and i'm telling you don't give me someone who's going to be gentle i want a

i want deep pressure i want someone who gets in there i want someone maybe who uses a tool because i feel bad for your hands appliance yeah i need an, I need an appliance on me. You would like a guy that probably would be best working in a dungeon who's above ground. Or is a dungeon below ground? Yeah, I think it's an above ground dungeon. You want an above ground dungeon where the guy doesn't wear leather but is strong like that and will treat you. And doesn't want to be friends with me.

Yeah. Just gets in, does the job, leaves. He doesn't whisper bestie. Yeah. I would like them to come to me so that I don't have to get dressed and get in my car and see the light. Afterwards, I just want to go crawl into bed after I have it to forget that I don't have anyone

to touch me. So you want someone to come to the house. Final thought. I don't like going to get massages because when I get dressed and I have this intimate hand all over me massaging me lovingly, and then I have to just, the end of it, I have to get dressed.

I have to walk out into the harsh light. I have to get in my car and start my car. Then I have to drive. I'm just like, it's just almost like when you have sex with someone and they're like, okay, leave. And you're just sort of like, well, I thought we were gonna hang out.

Not that I wanna hang out with my masseuse. I just wanna gently ease into real life again i don't want to just be thrust back into it so you would like an hour of nap time after a massage but i don't want to nap at i don't like those places that go oh you can just hang out by the spa and you can just okay in these chairs in the quiet room i know eventually i'm gonna have to get in my car i want to i want someone to come over and i could just get right into bed and be in my place and you leave ah okay yeah the only thing with an out call is like then you have to have a little bit of maybe like awkwardness where do you want me to set up like no I go right here and then I leave the room

and and let them set up and then I come back to them like I it's my panic of having people in my house like I just would tell them right here oh you've done it before in hotels. Sorry. I wanted to yell about this, but now I'm pretty calm about it. It's the dishwasher thing. No, no. I wanted to rent a car, and I only have a debit card. Oh, God, yeah. And they wouldn't rent it to me. And they go, we'll take a deposit of $500 extra.

I go, that's fine. I go, I have plenty of money to pay for this car. They go, well, we're going to run a credit check. I go, why are we bringing a credit check into a $600? I'll pay cash. What happened to fucking car companies where debit cards are the devil to them and they wouldn't rent me the fucking car after I took a shuttle? It's the same at a hotel, too.

They don't let you do it. You need a credit card at a hotel. No, they'll do debit cards. Oh, really? They used to not. Oh, maybe back in the day. But, yeah. Get a credit card.

I know. I know. Yeah, but I get it. It's annoying. I'd say it's 35, whatever, you know, 29. Yeah. And so I end up taking an Uber to the Hamptons. Because you couldn't do it.

But I had a car out there, luckily. But that's a whole other story. Because the credit check, they wouldn't let you after they did a credit check they did a credit check my credit you want to know my credit score it's like your sat score yeah 631 i know that's bad it's bad okay but it's not terrible yeah under 600 i think it's bad i mean so i have an okay credit score i'm willing to pay an extra 500 deposit and they still oh and then they go we can't cancel it i go well what do you mean well you did it through a third party so i call i have to get on expedia then expedia goes we can't cancel it we got to call that the car company jesus christ i go am i do i have to work to get a cancel where they

wouldn't give me? You know what I mean? It's just like. That's why so many times I just swallow the cost because I'm not willing to play this back and forth. I just go. Actually, the time I would spend on the phone is $300 of my time. So just take it. That's two guys blowing on your feet cold air.

I know. It's crazy. It's stupid. But I lose a lot of money by just being like, I don't want to deal with the hassle of it. I think these companies make it that way because they know people like me are just like, you know what, forget it. Oh, they'll put it off. Yeah, I just don't want to deal with it.

So I called an Uber. I got the money back. I ended up actually saving $150 because I used my buddy's truck out in the Hamptons. But we get there, his keys to the truck aren't there. You know what I mean? It's like these little things where you're like, I'm just going to have a relaxing time. I'm in the hamptons i got this thing yeah

what has stopped you from getting one bad credit it's like the thing of like you can't do it if you can't yeah you need to get this thing but to get this thing you need a thing to get the thing like how do i get credit good credit you need to get a credit card how do i get a credit card um well you have to have good credit well then what the fuck am i gonna do well it's like getting a job and they're like you need three years experience well i need to get a job to get experience yes it just it's an ongoing cycle of like so you i could get a credit card but you have to pay cash to get the you know what i mean like you have to give bank of america like 200 bucks for them to give you a credit card you got to pay up front for

this credit card speaking up i have to return a car i I rented a car. When? I'm looking for a new car. You lent me a Lexus RX for the weekend, and I got to return it today. I didn't even have it for part of the weekend because I was in Chicago at that wedding. But I got to go return it today. Oh, to test drive it? Yeah, to test drive it. Did you like it? I like it a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I like it a lot. I want to go test drive other stuff. There's other Lexus that I want to try out, and I'm thinking about trying out a 4Runner. I just like a Land Cruiser. Those are Toyotas. But those are dope. No, I know. But also there's other Lexises plus I want to do other cars.

I didn't know if you knew what cars were. No, I really don't a lot of times. But I do know that those are not Lexises. No, it makes sense that you questioned it. And then, yeah. So I got to go do that today. I'm like, oh, God. It's going to be awkward because I'm going to be like, thank you.

No, thanks. Yet. And the problem like there was a perfect Lexus I found it was the color of champagne which is what I want because no one wants that color everyone's thinking that's like an old person's color I love it and I you can't and I found one 2019 Lexus like RX champagne and I waited because I didn't want to I didn't want to talk about it i didn't want to wait because i had to go i had another date and it wasn't with a guy but the kind of date that you just want to sleep in late and you didn't get to so you have to go take a nap so i said no snap i'm not gonna buy this car i'll wait till next monday and if it's still here then i'll know it's not too far for me to get another car. But then I checked another car and it ended up being not the color I want.

It's like a cobalt. And I was like, I'm going to cobalt out of this dealership and go try to find the car of my dreams. And just never mind. Man, that's deep. It hit me in the heart. Sometimes it hits me so hard I don't know where to start. I get sad sometimes at myself when I look in the mirror because who am I if I'm

not Shakira? When I dance my hips do lie, but do they lie or do they tell the truth? If you look up the numerology you'll know that I'm the one and you're not. Okay, I was really waiting for something to run with OOF. Poof.

Okay. Guys, thank you for listening to the show We'll be here all week Thank you for sending news stories And don't be cut And yeah Jackfish Jackfish

Is it one? I'm sure there's a jackfish out there At least a guy named Jackfish Toyota? Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show And he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics,

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Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, an investigative journalist, and this is my journey deep into the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy in my adult. He was like, I'll take you to the top, I'll make you a star. To expose an alleged predator and the rotten industry he works in. It's honestly so much worse than I had anticipated. We're an army in comparison to him. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Careful, babe. There's someone crossing the street.

Sorry, I didn't see him there. If you feel different, you drive different. Don't drive high. It's dangerous and illegal everywhere. A message from NHTSA and the Ad Council. I'm Dr. Laurie Santos, and to welcome the new year, my podcast, The Happiness Lab, is releasing a series of happiness how-to guides to help you in 2025. I'll distill the wisdom of world-class experts into easy-to-digest, actionable tips. Struggling with tough emotions? We have a how-to guide.

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