The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #22 Sad Songs Written By Babies

Episode Date: April 28, 2021

Between you & Nikki, she's steadfast in her beliefs that talking into the ether helps heartache. As they ramp up to the Top1/Bottom1 Sad Song segment Andrew encourages Nikki to do her best singer impersonations in a warm aquarium. In the headlines they cover the rating decline for award shows, Andrew sharing a toilet with Obama, Reality TV is not fake, why birds exist, pride for men who come out as bi and Gen Z realizing there are hidden messages in children's movies. After discussing sad songs Nikki talks about her funeral playlist. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Listen to Therapy for Black Girls starting on January 1st on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Nikki Glitzer podcast Here's Nikki Hello, hello, hello Good Tuesday to you Good Tuesday What am I even saying?

Hi besties, listeners of the show, new listeners, welcome in We'll get Andrew Collin in here shortly Top of the show, I listeners, welcome in. We'll get Andrew Collin in here shortly. Top of the show, I always just do a solo. Noah's here though. I mean, she's in Arizona, but my producer Noah, how are you girl? I'm good. Yeah, me too. You know what? We have a segment later on in the show that I just kind of was working on in terms of going through my Spotify and picking out. Because later on, we're going to do top one, bottom one, which is where we give our top and bottom favorite and least favorite of a certain category. And today's category is sad songs. So look forward to that. I was just's category is sad songs. So look forward to that. Um, I was just

going through my sad songs, girl, I can't choose a top one. I haven't even gotten to the bottom one yet. I still have to think like, I can't decide if I'm going to choose the worst. My least favorite sad song is the one that like maybe is, is one that I tired out because of past relationships. I listened to it too much. I am a sad song connoisseur. I realized like all the music I love the most, the most that makes me feel as sad songs, because sadness is the feeling that I avoid the most in my life. People are always like, you don't let happiness in. And I'm like, or I guess Andrew says that a lot. He's like, you never celebrate good things. And I'm like, my life is constant happiness.

And I am never overly happy because I'm scared of sadness that will arise when the thing that I'm happy about inevitably ends because everything ends. You lose everything in life. One of my favorite Sam Harris quotes is everyone, you know, will lose everything and everyone that they've ever loved. So why everyone that you encounter, everyone that you know will one day lose everything they love, everyone they love. And that's inevitable for all of us. So why wouldn't you want to go through your life trying to make that person's life as good as possible, knowing that they're going to someday lose

everything. So that's just a nice reminder. But I, and I woke up this morning, I had a dream that I was on a reality show that was asking me about my feelings about love and fear. And I was like, I was doing some like interview and, but basically I just said that like, I'm so scared of feeling sad that I, you know, you don't let yourself like ever fall or whatever, or like get too attached. That's why I don't want to have kids is because I will love, you love something so much that if it goes away, I can get over a guy. Like, I know that I've proven I can get over like love But like a child if something god forbid happens You are you just have to I would just have to like I don't know what I do

I mean, I know parents do it all the time, but it's just like I'm too much of a pussy to love something that much even my dogs I'm, kind of like I can't get too close I just can't like you have to stay with my parents too because I can't take too close. I just can't like, you have to stay with my parents too, because I can't take the burden of this because when you're going through a loss that isn't experienced by like, if you lose, it's just, you know, I'm going through like heart ache right now. Like I'm, I'm going through loss of like love lost and it was short love but it was like still you know it feels ridiculous to be talking about the thing that I'm sad about as like and bug bugging my friends with it and

because it it just materialized so quickly and so it doesn't seem like oh my god you you know you weren't together years and this isn't a breakup. And it's like, I don't know. I just feel like I'm just letting myself feel as sad, even though I'm making excuses right now for why I shouldn't be. Anyway, I've been, uh, feeling that and I have been going through so many sad love songs to help me process my feelings. Shout out to, um, uh, God. I mean, I don't even want to give away some of the i mean taylor

swift you know has helped me through but not as much as you'd think like she's like my go-to girl when like shit's okay um i definitely though have been thank god for music like whenever i was watching american idol last night and this girl was talking about how she almost died when she was like 13 she was singing this song about like being a dead child it was really sad and I'm not trying that sounded funny when I said it but maybe because I'm weird that that sounded funny but she was singing it a song like of a child like saying like remember me mom I'll be an angel so sad. And so she is telling Snoop Dogg, don't even ask me why Snoop Dogg was this woman's coach or that. I mean, it was great because he's amazing, but she got him to cry. Snoop Dogg was like tearing up, which it takes a lot for a pothead to cry.

Like, I'm not kidding you pothead. Like if you smoke enough weed, which Snoop Dogg definitely does, tears ain't coming out that's what you're that's what you're pushing down with weed it's addictive don't get in a fight with me um not for everyone but uh yeah so anyway she was singing the song and she goes you know music uh I wouldn't have gotten through that time without music and I'm like that's a bold statement like you wouldn't have survived this illness if you didn't have music. But then I was, and I hate when people say that generally of like your music saved my life. When they scream it to Lady Gaga, she's rolling up the window on her car and they're like trying to like the Billie Eilish documentary, like girls are just holding her hand

through her car window as she's trying to make her way through like crazy fan fair. And they're like, you saved my life, Billie. Billy and it's like I don't know if I give music that much credit but if I didn't have music right now to get me through this it would be a whole different thing I don't even know how to prioritize in terms of when you're going through breakup. It's like friends, music, weed, work. That's about it. And God, I know that's like my version of God talking into the ether. Like I've, I, if anyone out there, like the thing is when you're going through heartache and uh the kind I'm going through is a specific kind that doesn't have a lot of resources available for people who are going through it which I will make once I get through it and like am able to make art of it

I'm gonna take this experience that is not very uh talked about and like make so because I know there's other people out there that have my same issue because I've talked to all my friends and they all have been through something similar and they all at the same time we're looking for resources to make them feel less alone because that's what art is it makes you feel like oh my god someone else has felt this pain. Um, and anyway, so I've been, uh, I've been looking for stuff like to help. Oh, so, uh, oh yeah. One of the things that I talked about yesterday is I've been like recording podcasts, which is like my medium of choice anyway, but no one's thought of that. Like, I'm serious. You guys, if you're out there, if you know someone who's going through heartache, who's going, who's got broken up with, who broke up with someone who just, or you're missing your dog,

like a death or anything, I'm not joking you make a recording. I know that like writing emails or writing letters really helps. Cause that's been doing like, it's been helping me, but just use a voice recorder on your phone. And I'm'm not kidding you like you feel like you're talking to them because there's something about putting on a recording where you're like they could hear it someday do you know I'm saying if they're dead this is a different thing but also I I feel it's funny that because I talked to a lot of people that in my life who have died that I wasn't even as close to as I am now that they've died. I talked to like, I had a friend kill himself in high school

that I wasn't that close with, but you know, you just know, like when you meet someone that you're like, they're special. I probably would have still known him if he didn't take his own life. But because it was so profound to me, I talked to him all the time.

And I probably wouldn't even know, like I probably see him on Facebook once in a while now. Truth be told. And now I have this great relationship with him. So if you want a better relationship with people, just kill yourself. I'm just kidding. Please do not do that. That was a joke. I'm trying to get us out of a sad place. Please, please, please know that there is a hotline you can call at any time if you are feeling suicidal. There is so much help out there immediately. And please, if you're looking for a sign to not kill yourself, this is it. You.

Thinking about it, do not do it. Do not do it. You. So that actually gets me out of it when I see people holding signs on the side of the road that say, if you're thinking about killing yourself today, don't do it. Have you ever seen that? There's like an old guy that holds a sign. I've never seen that.

He lost his son to suicide. So he stands on the highway and says, if you're looking for a sign not to kill yourself today, this is it. And it's like, that would actually probably break someone out of that spell of like, I need to do it. Like everything's pointing me to do it because you, when you get suicidal, you think that the world is telling you to do it. So to have an intervention like that, I think is really special.

And this is yours. If you're thinking about it, I'm talking to you right now. Don't do it, please. It's just, it's just the worst. And, uh, and things get better. They really do. Um, but what I was going to say is I've been making podcasts for these, for people and, um, and, and yeah, and I also talked to Harris Whittles as someone who passed, um, uh, I think on the, I forget what day, maybe the 20th, it was his birthday on the 20th, but, um, he was a comedian that I knew, was friends with, had a slight romance with, but never anything that was truly reciprocated or what I wanted, you know, young twenties hooking up where the girl likes the guy more than the guy likes the girl. But he's someone that I know now in my life,

I would have a very, very close relationship with. So I talked to him a lot and like laugh about situations because he's hilarious and would probably find the humor in it. And so I try to make him laugh a lot when I talk to him about a guy I like. Do you talk out loud or is it mostly in your head when you do that? Great question, Noah. It's embarrassing, but I do talk out loud and it took me a while to get to that place with these dead people I talked to. It was years and years. And I didn't start talking to them until David died in high high school and I think I wasn't comfortable enough like talking to him even in my mind until maybe 10 years later and then out loud, not until like two years ago. And even now, like I have to be completely alone because I don't want people to see me talking to myself, but I talk out loud. There's no harm in talking out loud and it actually helps you articulate your thoughts much like you know writing stuff helps you like your thoughts go so fast and you're you're when you talk it

slows them down and when you journal it slows them down even more so that's that's my answer to that all right let's get andrew in here speaking of friends who uh i will probably die someday and i'll have to deal with their loss because he's older than me and he doesn't floss or brush his teeth regularly. Let's get him in here. Oh, God. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors.

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They're always talking. The one you listen to shapes your life. I'm Eric Zimmer, host of The One You Feed. On my podcast, we explore how to hear the voice that matters, the one that leads you to courage, wisdom, and love. It's not about perfection. It's about direction. Millions of listeners have fed their good wolf. Now it's your turn. Listen to The One You Feed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, I'm Jay Shetty, and my latest interview is with Mel Robbins. The theory is very simple.

It is a mindset tool that instantly helps you identify what's in your control and what's not in your control. Renowned motivational speaker, best-selling author, Mel Robbins. Work has been seen as the number one cause of stress. How can the let them theory help? As you notice the stress come up, Jay, you're simply going to say, let them. You have no idea right now how much time and energy

is being wasted because of other people's behavior. It's like a death by a thousand cuts. Listen to On Purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, y'all. I'm Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, host of Therapy for Black Girls. And I'm thrilled to invite you to our January Jumpstart series for the third year running. All January, I'll be joined by inspiring guests who will help you kickstart your personal growth with actionable ideas and real conversations. We're talking about topics like building community and creating an inner and outer glow. I always tell people that when you buy a handbag, it doesn't cover a childhood scar.

You know, when you buy a jacket, it doesn't reaffirm what you love about the hair you were told not to love. So when I think about beauty, it's't reaffirm what you love about the hair you were told not to love. So when I think about beauty, it's so emotional because it starts to go back into the archives of who we were, how we want to see ourselves and who we know ourselves to be and who we can be. It's a little bit of past, present and future all in one idea, soothing something from the past. And it doesn't have to be always an insecurity. It can be something that you love. All to help you start 2025 feeling empowered and ready. Listen to Therapy for Black Girls starting on January 1st on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions?

Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, Minnie Questions. Over the years, we have had some incredible guests. People like Courtney Cox,

star of the infinitely beloved sitcom Friends, EGOT winner Viola Davis, and former Prime Minister of the UK, Tony Blair. And now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Each episode is a new person's story with new lessons, new memories, and new connections to show us how

we're both similar and unique. Listen to mini questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. Andrew. What's up? What's up? What's that? What's that? Were those the lizards or the frogs? Wait, no, that was around the same time as the Budweiser.

Budweiser. People loved that shit. It was probably the what's that? I liked it. I saw an Adam Sandler movie and they brought that back like strong throughout the whole movie. Like it was like the run through like the running line. Did they talk about the fact that it was the old commercial or was it like? I think it was just understood for all the what's up heads out there. You know, for those of you listening who don't know, it was a ad campaign where a bunch of idiots would like pick up the phone and talk to their friends and go, what's up?

What's up? But it reminds me of me and my friend. It reminds me of Kerr. Cause Kerr is like a word of vocal sound that doesn't actually resemble. It's not a word. And it's just, it's just like your mouth gets lazy and doesn't want to say cool. So you say,

did you watch the video I sent you of Pearl Jam? Did you watch that? No, no, I mean, I did, but I, I,

it wouldn't load. It was a tick tock and I don't have tick tock on my phone because it's a, it's an addictive drug. Oh, well, it goes with what you're saying. Like how, how Eddie Vedder sings.

He doesn't say the whole word. He's, uh, it's really funny. Yeah. And they write out like what he's saying. Oh, right.

Wait, hold on. I'm playing it. On a we, uh, I mean, how much have you watched this because it was a hot girl in a car, like, looking sideways and just being hot and kind of being like, what's he saying? And also, like, there's a subreddit called, like, let me look it up because it's so funny. It's like I originally clicked on this because the girl is hot, but then I stayed on it because it was interesting.

Hold on. It's like an acronym that is hilarious. Yeah, it's one second. Sorry, sorry, sorry. This is worth it, I promise. H-T-I? Oh, here it is. What is that?

Hot then interesting? Oh, that'd be better. This is U-N-B-G-B-B-I-I-V-C-H-I-D-C-T-I-I-C-B-G. is that hot then interesting oh that'd be better this is u n b g b b i i v c h i d c t i i c b g and it's that's just a joke because no one's ever gonna like remember that that's like how you remember how to get to the grocery store i know i always come up with like mnemonic devices it's called upvoted upvoted on reddit means like i like it you know upvoted not because girl but because it is very cool however i do concede that i initially clicked because girl that is so that is that's like what you did for that any better thing but um yeah in high school my my one of my

best friends name was uh laura holly and we ended up calling her Holly. We never, I think we skipped Holly and we called her Holla cause she was just kind of like Holla don't care. Like she was always like didn't wear makeup and like didn't do her hair and like wouldn't put on lotion, like didn't wash her face at night. And like she just kind of like lived like a boy, but she is very much a girl.

But we were just like Holla don't care. And because she didn't care, we stopped saying her name with any kind of emphasis. So we like holla became she was our field hockey goalie she became she went from holla to holla to her to her and so i swear to god me and my friends will go so what's her doing like we literally call her her because it just is so funny to give nothing just to give something so little effort shout out to her who listens to the podcast i do i how big when holla batgirl came out did you guys lose your mind um no because by then it was so her that holla like didn't even have a place in our lexicon like we didn't even know where it came from. The etymology had been lost

in past generations. There ain't no her, Batgirl. Few times I've been around that sex. There ain't no her, Batgirl. Yeah, I do. That's such a fun song. How'd you sleep? Oh yeah, B-A-N-A. It's fun to learn

how to spell in songs. It is. It is. R-E-S-P-E-N-A. It's fun to learn how to spell in songs. It is. It is. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Yeah, dude. How else would you spell it? M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I. Like, you got to give it a, I love that hit.

Who's that, Lorde? Wait, Lorde. 8-7-5-3-3-0-9. I want to do impressions of singers like just little impressions because i was listening to all these sad songs today to prepare for our top top one bottom one i'll give you some ready like i gotta like listen to a clip and then i'm gonna try to recreate it because you know for me impressions are based solely on if i hear it recently okay so tell me all right billy eilish oh yeah babe oh oh hold on hold on she's like i have to get in like baby voice hold on let me just play a little snippet because the only song i know is like wish you were gay you know that song yeah yeah you do okay so it's like hold on you have to get like i picture like being a little baby in a shell

like a little baby crab in a shell i'm picturing myself as a little crustacean in a really lonely aquarium okay hold on and it's coming out of its shell in a little there's a little microphone outside its shell and it creeps out of its shell. And it's also in Phineas' bedroom. Her brother. Babe, well done. Babe, baby,

I don't feel so good. Six words you never understood. This aquarium is getting kind of hot okay that was pretty good i can't hear myself wait wait wait time out the aquarium was getting hot yeah the aquariums get hot you don't even realize it like they get like they turn into terrariums like and and the little crab needs it to be colder than the hot. It's like this is a lizard aquarium,

but these people really need to get their lives together. I'm not going to lie. Hearing you do that was so soothing and made me feel so happy, and I get why she has 100 million followers. Yeah, you just talk like this and you make baby. And she sings it all sitting on a couch or sitting on Phineas' bed like I'm sitting on a couch right now. When you're describing that, all I think about is the crab from Little Mermaid.

I don't know why. Oh, Sebastian? Sebastian wouldn't sing like that. He's very happy. Under the sea. Under the sea. This crab is like the one Jenny Slate is. Jenny Slate plays like a little seashell or a shell. Have you ever seen that?

Oh, no. She does like a voice and it's like this and it's a little shell and it talks like this and it's very little. And that's kind of what I was picturing. Due to Driver's License Girl. I mean, it's actually a very similar world. I think we're figuring out. Oh, wait, hold on. Yeah, Driver's License Girl. Hold on, I gotta remind myself.

By the way, she's a pretty girl that happens to sing good songs. You know what I mean? Okay, I can't hit those false out. I can't do those. Oh, this girl is funny because... Oh, she sings like she's... Oh, the baby.

There's no more baby in this. Okay, so this girl is actually, she is a little baby. She's a toddler, a baby toddler who's just an orphan. And she's on the street and she's putting on a, she's like trying to lug heavy things. She's like, I put on my driver's license last week. I put on my Jansport. Yeah, I put on my Jansport. Yeah, I put on my Jansport backpack last week. My mom says I should get wheels for my backpack.

And I don't. Like, it's just like, I'm probably getting scoliosis. That's Olivia Rodrigo. And I love, I mean, like, I can't hit any of these. What's going on with her trapper keeper? That's Olivia Rodrigo. I can't hit any of these. What's going on with her trapper keeper? I heard there's a problem there. I love trapper keeper. My trapper keeper, the rings are not connecting in the middle,

which is something that happens by the second week you have them or day two if you're Andrew or Nikki and you are bad with things. Dude, I would have so much extra paper in my Trapper Keeper where I couldn't close it and I'd have to squeeze it and it would never click. It would just squeeze. You know what I mean? You know what I'm saying?

I know that feeling when you're squeezing. This is the sound of me squeezing my Trapper Keeper. Okay, we gotta get to the news. Why do I want to just give you bread? You know I don't eat carbs. Let's get to the news. You would die an orphan.

Oh, fuck. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. Oh, man. You heard it here first, folks. We got some great stories. I hope you're having fun out there and all the swells. No one watched the Oscars. Ratings hit an all-time low and didn't even crack 10 million views.

To give you an idea, last year's swell. Not views. Okay, it's not YouTube. Viewers. It's viewers. Yeah, like. Okay, okay. But to give you an idea, 23.6 million was last year.

And I mean, it didn't even, you guys listen to that 10 million. It didn't crack 10. And a few years ago, it was 40 million. A few years ago, it was like 40 million.

Yeah. Ellen hosted the, the last time it was up in the forties was Ellen hosting, I think in 2017. Is that right? I don't know that. When she took the picture with Jennifer Lawrence and all those people.

Yeah, I sent you the screenshots of the... Yeah, yeah, I'm looking at that now. Yeah, okay, that's who was hosting. I thought those were maybe the winners. Okay. You thought Ellen DeGeneres won the Oscars? For Departed. Okay, let me look at it real quick.

Remember in The Departed when she showed up and she's like put the money in the bag yeah yeah yeah so the departed one that year it was 2007 it had 40.2 million viewers now um if we go back this is interesting to me i don't know if it's interesting to anyone else oh here's where it happened 2014 she hosted again 43.7 that was the highest it's been in uh since the highest it ever was since 2001 that's what we have it for is is that is is ellen hosting in 2014 43.7 and then if we're going back to 2001 we had 4 42.9 people watching uh Oscars. Steve Martin hosted that year. Gladiator won.

Oh, he won when he was in Gladiator. Exactly. You know how to read these stats from Deadline Hollywood. And then if we're looking at 2020, 23.6 million. And that was with no host. We've had no host three years in a row. I didn't know if you guys knew that. I certainly didn't.

Jimmy Kimmel was the last host in 2018. I thought that was an Asian actor. And then The Shape of Water won that year. It was 26.5 million people watching. But you guys, I mean, it is not dipped. It's been declining. It was the lowest last year with 23. We're at 10 now.

I mean, the award shows are over and I love it. The only thing that I'm feeling from this... Because the pomp is gone? No, can I just... I'm kidding.

I was just giving you shit about yesterday and you were like, I'm going to miss the awards and how there's a symphony and there's glitz and glamour. I'm like, who is this guy? I used to like the Oscars

three or two years ago. I used to like the Oscars three or two years ago. I used to like the Oscars a couple years ago. It reminded me of my childhood. Now I'm feeling so low. The lowest ratings of the year were for the Oscars. I love how you use your hand when you go higher. Yeah. Oh, and so, so, no, oh, cause the mono.

Her played field hockey on our team. Okay. Keep going. So sorry. Is that who won that year? Yeah. Field hockey. Holla.

Goalie. No. You can't save yourself by just saying words. Come again? After a bomb joke. Never bombed in my life. Never bomba. Barack.

He's cool. Anyway. Oh, wait. News flash about Obama. Andrew, you're going to love this. Maybe you won't love it as much as me. The house that we were shooting in that I talked about so much on the podcast that had my green room in it the beautiful big house in on this island barack obama stayed there with his family when he visited grand cayman whoa so i took a

shit where barack obama took a shit you might have sat on the same toilet that barack obama sat on i might have been in the same bed that like michelle obama and barack didn't sleep in the room that i was in but i but maybe they had a quickie on my bed and it's not my bed it's definitely like was never mine and by the way when barack has a quickie michelle still comes just letting you know of course she does just letting you know damn it they're so hot go on okay i just got very excited that i was even in the same place that Barack Obama had been in. I think he's. No, it reminds me of when I was in that apartment where that one dude killed himself.

Same thing. He didn't kill himself, but he died of an overdose. Philip Seymour Hoffman. Yeah. You were like in the bathroom. Exactly the same thing. Yeah, exactly the same thing. We had the squeeze in suicide.

I mean, what's a Nikki Glaser podcast without suicide? You missed the top of the show too. I mean was all suicide i'm not even joking so you go from suicide to going my chance sport is heavy and it's last week it all got inspired by sad songs written by babies so the oscars i'd like to see it maybe Maybe it will bounce back. I mean, this past year was COVID. No one went to the movie theater. There are no movie stars anymore. There are no, there aren't like they were. And also, the Oscars were promoted so much on television,

no one watches cable television anymore. So like all these things add up to 10 million viewers. But I'd like to see when we start to go back to the movie theater, will there be a buzz again? Will the Oscars come back? Well, I'm very excited to announce very soon here that I will be hosting an award show that is going to be celebrating things that have nothing to do with movies. And I'm very excited because this is all, this is what I'm realizing. This is what I got asked to do this gig and I

find out like this is all before the Oscars and the Globes were like the Globes were shit I watched that and made fun of them and was literally like I want to win a Golden Globe someday but do I like I really felt that way like this is seems like annoying to have to sit on your couch and like be a part of this thing and the Oscars was weird but that would have been fun to be at because it's so weird and you would have just been like this is probably tanking live but that is by by the way anyone listening who knows someone who worked on the Oscars behind the scenes in front of the scenes that is no one's fault that that was a weird event and it was way better than I could have ever conceived of I want to make that very clear I couldn't have

done better myself but award shows are boring people don't care about famous people as much anymore they still do but now famous people are on like tiktok and i'm not doing an award show for tiktok don't worry but i just you'll get there the thing is i hate here's here's my thing about reality tv because i don't i don't like movies or scripted stuff as much as i like reality tv or documentaries i just don't like scripted stuff as much as I like reality TV or documentaries. I just don't like scripted things as much. And people always go, you like reality TV? That's fake. I'm sorry. What's more fake than actors who are pieces of shit in real life, pretending to be like whole human beings, literally acting, memorizing lines. That's the fakest shit I've ever heard. Reality is fake.

Yes, I understand that The Bachelorette ever heard reality is fake yes i understand that the bachelorette that world is fake but the feelings in it are real andrew you know that too we have now been behind the scenes of many reality shows stop saying reality tv is fake it is the dumbest dad answer from 1999 because you didn't want to watch survivor or whatever it was new and you were like but i like my you know i don't even know what was on dynasty back then like scripted is cool and it's great and obviously people love it and it's not going anywhere i will never feel bad if you are out there and you like reality tv don't ever let someone say it's fake say oh you think that's fake what about when you watch the good doctor

that kid is playing autistic those are lines written by a bunch of you know 38 year old men in a writer's room in burbank this is the that's that chair is fake that was made for the scene that whiteboard is fake that he's writing on like everything about what this fake thing is so funny you poke a hole in it immediately it's all fake the only thing that's real is action and guess what even movies where it's like well and guess what nature documentaries are the same as reality tv and you go no those animals would behave that way if the cameras weren't there no they wouldn't animals don't like cameras they're totally impacted by the fact that there's a set around them even when they're being secretly

recorded sorry that little tree that just sprung up that is actually a camera ain't tricking those chimps. They're acting different because that tree is there. So don't tell me that reality TV is fake because of the setting. The setting is any documentary is going to be a version of what it is because the cameras are there. And scripted TV is the fakest shit ever.

End of story. Next story. I could see one of the producers pulling aside a lion and being like, hey, you're going to attack the antelope close to the car right here. You know what? I was watching this documentary the other night when I went to that dumb screening

and they were following this baby turtle on its quest from it hatching to the sea and they're filming this thing and they're like, there's many predators and I'm like, throw the thing in the sea. And they're filming this thing, and they're like, there's many predators. I'm like, throw the thing in the sea, and let's keep it from the land.

And it goes in the sea. It meets a different set of enemies. And I'm like, just help the thing. But no, they don't help it. In fact, they actually allow things to happen that they wouldn't if they were just a passerby. So everything's fake. This just occurred to me why birds exist because the sea is ton of predators the land is predators that turtle needs to get up in the

air you know add some wings to that turtle there's no there's way less oh you think birds came from turtles wanting to be able to not have as many predators. Definitely wings. Wings definitely were evolution based on like, why don't we all fly then? Why hasn't every part of our species and every species go, you know, it's much easier to get places. And it's harder to get- Just carry a gun.

But I will say birds get eaten all the time by cats and cats can't fly. Why don't we give a turtle a gun? Cats can't fly. Give a turtle a gun. I didn't even think about turtle guns yet. Yeah, turtle guns. I gave my turtle a gun in his hot aquarium.

He shot the thermostat because it's getting too hot in here for little crabs. Okay, next story. That was great. I don't know what is happening on this podcast. I don't either, but it's a lot of fun. It's wild. People are having swells. Okay.

I mean, they're swollen. A record-breaking number of gay and bisexual teenage boys are coming out to their parents. Thank God. Get out. Stop forcing yourselves in straight relationships with women if you want to explore men and you're bi. Or if you're bi, just be you. and i love how much this pisses off people that are like you're either

straight or gay and i'm talking about people that are progressive enough to even think that gay is like there's people that still think gay is a choice because they're truly the biggest morons on the face of the earth but um and uh if it were a choice i would be it you know what i would be gay if gay were a choice let me just say it i would be a lesbian in a fucking heartbeat i'll tell you what hotter way hotter girls hit you up than guys i'll tell you that oh i've showed you some of the girls that have been into me and honestly i am considering uh relationships with women i am open to it i just need to be very much like the way i was with boys when i initially entertained that idea i need i need you to be the aggressor

here um the problem is i'll never get pussy if you start getting into women i know i can't wait to start like like showing you like i i do feel more accomplished when I get to show you a hot girl that slides in and is like, I would like to explore things with you than the guys. But yeah, there's more men coming out as bisexual. I think it's great because I think we're all on a spectrum.

I think Kinsey had it right about the scale. No one's black and white. Like, you know, I'm gay. I'm totally straight. We're all, and black and white. Like, uh, you know, I'm gay. I'm totally straight. We're all, and I don't mind being with a man who is bisexual. I want to make that very clear. Open your minds and girls go, but what if he was attracted to men and needed like a dick, uh, and like wanted to hook up with a guy and then he's married to me. Well, he also wants other pussy bitch. He doesn't just want yours. It's he's definitely a man guy and then he's married to me well he also wants other pussy bitch he

doesn't just want yours it's he's definitely a man that's if he's a straight he's still craving things that you don't have maybe you have small tits and he wants big tits maybe you have big tits and he wants small tits that doesn't mean that he's not thinking about tits so if he's able to not think about whatever tits you don't have and not go fuck those tits he's probably not gonna fuck a dick either like guys can have some fucking self-control so just because he's straight doesn't mean you're keeping him in a way that he wouldn't if he were by so open your minds and then just put a put a strap on on that puss and give it to him every once in a while yeah i mean why not i i can't wait to uh i do think more and

more people will come out like with It's just parents being more accepting. I mean, the idea to come out to your parents, even in our generation, there was like one gay person in our high school. There was none in mine. And everyone knew he was gay, but he was like into gymnastics, but he would never admit.

Was he out? He didn't come out until after high school. Well, then he wasn't out. Yeah, exactly. No one came out in high school. And it's so funny being like an older millennial and looking back on when I graduated in 2002, there was no came out in high school. And it's so funny being like an older millennial and looking back on when you graduated, I graduated in 2002. There was no gay people in my school. We had a gay straight alliance, but there was no out people in that group.

And my mom was so mad that I was in the gay straight alliance because she was like, people are going to think you're gay. And I go, yeah, let them. I don't care. I go, I represent the S and I would do this with my arms and go the S. And she goes, you're going to walk around school like that all the time and just tell people S. I represent the S and I would do this With my arms and go the S and she goes You're gonna walk around school like that all the time and just tell People S I'm the S because they're Not gonna know that unless you tell them constantly and I'm like This is so And my mom would never think that way now

I'm so sorry to anyone who Grew up being gay until Recently and even now it's still very Hard I'm not making any Assumptions about how easy it is but It's such bullshit. Just be whatever you want. If you're not hurting anyone, who the hell cares? Why do you care? Are you scared? They're not, they're going to go to hell. People are just so sad that the gay people are

going to go to hell. That's the only reason you should be sad. If your religion tells you they're going to go to hell, that your friends are going to go to hell. I understand that being like, oh my God, that sucks. But then if your friend's crying about you going to hell, get them out of your life. Be like, okay, I'm not there yet. You're kind of putting me in a pre-hell by having to watch you cry in the Starbucks about how I'm going to hell. And then cut those Christians out. And here's the thing.

If they can't be themselves... Christians are going to come for me. If they can't be themselves, they're living in hell, being here. So, you know what I mean? Yeah, but a lot of they can't win either way can't be out i've been on reddit i just was looking at something and it was like talking about how someone was talking about being closeted there's so many people this isn't just like a free for all there are so many people who are closeted still and choose to be in straight relationships

with people and are just stuck and i definitely empathize with all those people it is not easy to come out even now and i'm glad to hear it's becoming uh more common that boys are because i think that i mean andrew knows and noah you know too that like so much a part of my act right now is that men don't like to go to therapy because they're scared they don't want to work on themselves because they're scared if they go talk to a therapist she might get something out of them that was like a gay thing that happened to them in their past and now by that i'm talking about maybe something they consensually did or maybe something they didn't do consensually like a uh some kind of sexual abuse that happened that makes you now feel gay because you were

you got you went along with it but you now feel like oh you were, you got, you went along with it, but you now feel like, oh my God, I should have told someone or stopped him, but I didn't. And now you're like, oh, I must be gay because I let that happen. No, you were a victim. You're not gay. And if you are gay, it's okay. You'll figure that out and you won't have to tell everyone. You can do it on your own time, but avoiding looking at that stuff because you're scared of what it might mean is the reason why men punch uh holes in walls and holes in women and other and road rage like and suicide i'm sure yeah absolutely so if that if this is a sign to you to that you maybe want to address some sexual stuff that happened in your past that might make you scared of what it might mean for you as an adult this is my i'm letting you know just go there and write us a dm come out to us we won't judge you yeah tell you honestly i mean that's a joke but like if you

want to anonymously send an email with a burner account to us and tell us and come out to us and only to us and you can use anonymously we would never it might be freeing for you to hear your email read and be like oh my like i used to send into postcards to post secret do you ever know what that is no oh yeah yeah yeah you write it we went to the uh exhibit in san diego there was a exhibit of post secret but post secret is this thing they many books that people would just write a secret on a postcard that they've never told anyone and mail it in and this guy would make every sunday if you go to postsecret.com or just google post secret these these secrets on post cards are amazing and i've sent in ones before that i didn't tell anyone about um and i made

like these beautiful postcards and i never saw mine printed because there's like thousands but it just feels good to put your secret on something and send it and know that someone's going to be, someone's going to hear it. Much like talking to dead people, which I covered before. Next story. What did you write on there?

You ate my hummus? Yeah, I ate Andrew's hummus and I didn't tell him about it. I love that that's the only thing you can catch me lying about to you. And I didn't even lie. I just did

and then I was going to tell you later. But I love that that's the only thing you have on me. Hey, worry i have and it happened in my head four months ago hey it felt like yesterday oh buddy i just want to catch up i haven't talked to you about life in so long but why do i care why do you why do i care oh my gosh i love that so much that needs to be on a t-shirt too that's so funny it's such like a negative thing though it's like something of a person that like a working at a gas station would wear a shirt that says why do i care and you're just like okay i

won't ask you if you have that trident flavor i mean my favorite shirts though is fuck you you fucking fuck oh i love it so much i love it um headline okay i shouldn't have read that okay shrek has an x-rated headline headline coming up oh my god you gotta start saying headline oh i know that was the freudian slips okay shrek has an x-rated easter egg that only took 20 years to notice. A TikToker pointed out a scene in the 2001 Shrek film featuring Lord Fawquad sitting naked in bed, sipping a martini as he implores his magic mirror to show his bride to be. Okay. Yeah.

So can I just do this? Can I just. A bulge appears under Fawquad's zebra print sheets, prompting him to peek under the covers. Did you watch it? I have not seen it. So there's a scene in Shrek, and this is so funny because this is like Gen Z

kind of waking up to sexual things that can be hidden in Disney things. For us, it was like the priest getting a boner in The Little Mermaid. The Lion King, he falls down and all the dust comes up and it spells sex in the stars. In The Little Mermaid, there's also penis on the cover in the castle. In Aladdin, I used to be obsessed with these, by the way,

because they're so sexual and creepy. In Aladdin, he's on the balcony meeting Jasmine and the tiger comes up and is like licking his face and he's like, and then he goes, all good teenagers, take off their clothes. But he says something else, but it sounds like like that so there's all these sexual things but the priest getting a boner in little mermaid is probably the most egregious of all of them please go look it up now this is hearkening back to that this is shrek and like the guy in bed gets a boner but this is all very situational that why this guy would get a boner and he looks under the cover

and the little girl that made the video said when i was little i thought he spilled his martini and was like you know i like things i like sexual things easter eggs in children's things it does lord looks like my ex-boyfriend in that photo that's so funny i don't oh i guess he kind of does i mean the hair is not the same, but yeah, his chest, maybe a little. He has a lot of chest on his, or a lot of hair on his shoulders. Did he have a big boner? I don't know. Can you see? No, he didn't.

No, he just looks under the cover. So he acknowledges that there was a boner. Yeah, I like, do you like children's stuff that has adult content? Like we were talking about SpongeBob and you've never seen SpongeBob, butgebob but i said oh it's great it's like entertaining for adults too i mean i kind of like how just jessica rabbit the tits are right there you know like they don't play around the easter eggs are on her that's enjoyable not just for adults but just for like for horny dads that are like why don't we watch uh bugs bunny again? Or like, what is it called? The only reason I like it,

and I mean, it does suck if your kid recognizes it, but if I was a cartoonist or, you know, someone drawing these things, it must be so fucking boring back in the day. Yeah. So like, it was a little like joke in the office for like 10 people. And they were like, oh, it'll just be between us.

Well, the thing is, yeah, it is that. that's what happened back in the disney days i believe it's like there's a documentary about it because i mean those were such urban legends of like if you go to this part the lion king laying in the dust and the sex coming up in the dust is like real dude it's real have you seen that one no no we gotta i gotta watch all of these i do think like you know these guys that are the illustrators they probably don't fuck that much so they're probably really horny and they didn't have a lot of porn back then so you know they had to make a lion in some dust wait i want to see if i can find it real quick by the way cartoons are real uh i mean there's dust cloud okay lion king dust cloud here we go oh yeah it

spells sex it's so obvious uh wait that cloud of dust doesn't spell sex well no way yes it does oh it kind of does it's like it's very faint it has to be faint it can't be too obvious okay i'm gonna share my screen really quick uh okay look look at that one do you see it yeah yeah i see it connect the dots it says sex s e x yeah and then that other star is doing anal yeah then the other one says uh the other one's getting fucked by Mars. And then, yeah, the little big dipper starts over here. It says fisting. I can't imagine it spelled

the whole word. Okay, we got into top one, bottom one. Thank you for the news, Andrew. Top one, bottom one. Here we go. This is where we say the top one and bottom one of a given category. Noah yesterday pitched, why don't we do songs? And I said, why don't we make it sad songs?

And this one is really, really hard for me, you guys. I don't know if you struggled with it. Let me talk to me about your approach here. Okay, wait, are we going to do bottom one or top one first? I think we're going to do bottom one first so that we end on tops. Noah, did you struggle with this you know what um i kind of did but then when i really put my mind to it i was like okay this is easy what about like okay i struggled between because i look through my um songs and i realized

that i don't spend a lot of time listening to death songs about death, but I spent a lot of times listening to love songs. Um, and I have gotten into some death songs. So I wanted to, like, I asked you guys is, are these about death or these about love being lost? And so I think we need to revisit this at some point and like do one or the other um because i i got too many and i really want to make a playlist for people because i just there are some songs that people everyone needs to know i yeah i love doing this because i saw about 20 songs that i forgot about that i was so happy to be able to visit again like because you googled sad songs or like how did you see these yeah yeah yeah gotcha gotcha yeah i mean it's kind of cheating i guess but it makes you it reminds you yeah but uh okay so what's your bottom one noah let's yeah let's start

with noah what is your least favorite sad song that like i'm thinking it's a song that everyone like goes to and you're like, oh, I'm over it. You're correct. Because the bottom song for me is Everybody Hurts by R.E.M. Oh my God, that's mine. I almost picked that one too. Because I saw it topped all the lists when you Google it. It's like the first one.

But it's so cliche. I thought of that without the list. I thought of that without the list. Oh my God, no. Well, you always think of everything with a lisp yeah that's true sorry sorry it's okay i'm a gay snake okay i hate it because i know all the lyrics for it and i feel like it's forcibly like i've like that song has been forced upon me and it's just like i don't know it just, it just feels like I would feel sorry for myself as I listen to it, and I don't like it.

Yeah, it's the song you put on when you're making a comedy sketch about feeling sad. It doesn't really play ever sincerely. If someone busted that out at a funeral, people would start laughing. Now, I would just say— No, I just think the, I think the best sad songs are the ones that actually kind of will make you happy. This song leans so far into depression

that it just makes, even if you're in a great mood, this song will make you depressed. Wait, let me look up the lyrics because I want to just, all I know is everybody hurts. Like, I really don't know the lyrics. Sometimes everybody hurts. I know, but that the lyrics sometimes everybody hurts let's i i

know but that's all you know too so i'm not i'm wondering if if it gets better if it because some songs you know have a refrain where it's like oh okay yeah there might be sex in the dust you know what i'm saying i feel you i love sex in the dust um hold on let's look at the lyrics sandpuss okay why do googling lyrics is literally more like, there's more windows that pop up and bullshit. It's all geo cities and it literally feels like you're looking at porn in 1998 when you look up lyrics. Why can't there just be a lyric site that doesn't have a million windows and like malware that downloads on your computer?

I just want to know what the fuck everybody hurts is about. When the day is long and the night is yours alone. We know it, Andrew. Your voice is honestly terrible. When you're sure you've had enough of this life, we'll hang on. Don't let yourself go because everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes. Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along.

When your day is night, when your day is night alone, if you feel like letting go, if you feel like you've had too much, okay, don't throw your hand. Don't throw your hand. If you feel like you're alone. No, no, no, you are not alone. Okay. There's it's uplifting. If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long when you think you've had too much of this life to hang on. So you are not alone. So overall this song, although annoying and very cliche does have hope. Now, this is a thing that I really thought about with my saddest song, my favorite saddest song, because I believe the saddest songs have no hope and they

really give you what life is, which is one loss after another that you, and you don't get it back and maybe you'll meet again, but it's in a, you know, heaven's not, might not be real. So we really don't know. And I think it's like saying when you really have to say goodbye in a song, Andrew, so you're, what's another least favorite song besides everybody hurts by REM. I mean, that's still,

I mean, we're doing top one, bottom one. So that was my only bottom one. Okay. Well, I'll just jump to my bottom one, which is pretty much any Sam Smith song.

Interesting. Because I, his voice, he feels to me, I do understand that he is amazingly talented guy um and that but too good at goodbyes is maybe my least favorite song I think that it is uh I just his voice annoys me it's too sad and, there were songs that I did like of his, but like, and, and, and this is going to be controversial. Are you ready? I mean, I'm sorry to be all over the map here, but there's no rules to this game. I made it up top two, bottom two. Adele. I don't like Adele. Listen, I love, send my love to your ex-lover.

Treat her better. Like I like her like up songs. And like, I love Adele's voice. Obviously I love how she writes her own stuff. She is like, and there's no one, not a better singer. And same with Sam Smith, just technically probably perfect. Even though I don't know what I'm talking about when it comes to vocals. But Adele, it's like, it's too much.

And it's like, hello? I just like, can't like, it's just, it's, it's again, it's too basic. It's basic bitch. Like I'm going to put this on and cry about my boyfriend who pretended he lost his phone or his phone was broke. And this guy never really liked me. I feel like I'm above Adele songs. I feel like I'm, I'm better than a girl who listens to Adele, and that ain't true, y'all. But my aversion to Adele is because I don't want to be a basic white bitch. Well, I think part of it is, like, you

can't say you hate Sam Smith, he's a gay man, and then I can't hate Adele because she's an overweight lady. There is something... She's not anymore, and he isn't anymore either. Yeah, I mean, Adele, I've always... I don't even want to speak to it because it is so controversial to comment on anyone's weight. Um, but I will say that, um, you know, it's so funny how someone's voice can suddenly make them important to us. Like she's an amazing artist.

And so, uh, a celebrity was like, we love her for her weight. Whereas if she were just like, you can't just be, let me just say fat because I believe that's what the fat acceptance movement is about is the word fat. It's like, we are fat. You don't need to not call us that. It's not a derogatory term. So fat people just can't be fat. They also have to have a talent or we don't let them in, right?

They got to be a good actor. They got to be funny with their fat. They, they either have to have a great voice, um, or they have to be, um, they have to be extremely beautiful model. I mean, this goes for pretty much everyone, but you can't just be fat and not talented to, or, or, or ugly Susan Boyle. Remember when Susan Boyle walked out on that first audition rewatch that they laugh at her and not because she's an old woman that's like dressed like kind of like the queen and, but because she's ugly and there's no chance this ugly person could be worth our time. They're leaning back in their chair.

Like what does she got? And then her voice is beautiful and then they love her. And now she's this darling. And it's like that kind of, that bugs me. People should be able to be loved and appreciated without any kind of talent, even though I worship talent as well. Anything to say to that? I mean, I think you said it all.

And by the way, I think I would literally cut off my arm right now with a spoon, which would be a very hard process to have a voice like Adele. And I'm not joking. I would literally have her career and her voice and her talent. So I'm not saying these people aren't talented. Same with Sam Smith. Maybe I'd cut it off with a knife with Sam Smith. It just does something to your ear

that you don't enjoy. I just feel like a basic bitch. It's not because I don't like the music because I do like it. But you love Taylor Swift which is the most basic bitch on earth. To me, Taylor Swift, the way it makes me feel, it transcends that. She speaks to me in a way that Adele doesn't even though I agree that Adele

is a, you know, there's no agree that Adele is a, you know, there's no argument that Adele's talented, but it just, for me, it just feels like I'm, I'm Bridget Jones. Like, I'm just like eating ice cream out of a tub on my couch and watching my favorite,

you know, Grey's Anatomy. It's just also basic. And it also bugs me because there's a comedian that uses an Adele song in his act to like, uh, mimic crying in his car about something and it's just because it's been associated with that joke I can't I can't really enjoy her anymore so Adele let's do tops Noah what's your top favorite sad song okay so

top I had to go with a metal song and I wasn't I in between two. I was in between Slayer's Angel of Death, which is about the Holocaust. But I chose Gloomy Sunday by Paul Bearer, which is a cover of a Hungarian song written in 1933, which was made famous by Billie Holiday in 1941. And so basically the lyrics are uh someone who wants to commit suicide following his lover's death oh my god the but the original was about the despair caused by war

and um like it ended up with a prayer about people's sins okay so the billy holiday version sunday is gloomy my hours are slumberless dearest the shadows i live with are numberless little white flowers will never awaken you not where the black coach of sorrow has taken you angels have no thought of ever returning you would they be angry if i thought of joining you gloomy sunday i mean god this is like so sad yeah and the and there's an urban legend so So this song is called the Hungarian Suicide Song because urban legend has it that a lot of people who have committed suicide have had the song playing

in the background. Oh, my God. Do you speak Hungarian, Noah? No. Oh. Wow. Okay, that's a really good one. I'm going to listen to this later.

You know, I was kind of afraid. I'm always afraid when we do these things to do something like noah just did where it's so specific and like it's almost to me like i'm afraid of it being kuh by being so uh like uh like meaning too much to you no no like like i'm kind of it's just me and about 10,000 other people that know this song. Oh, like, I think that's good because more people need to know these songs. Agreed, agreed. And I think I should lean into that. That being said.

Let's get to your top. My top one is Sam Smith's cover of Adele, Rolling in the Deep. Rolling in the D? No. That would be a fun version for him to do. No, so I had two top ones i apologize they're dead even and it's completely probably the opposite of cook because everyone these are everyone's no rules dude it's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday by boys to men and tears in heaven eric clinton it's so hard to say i don't know sing it. It's so hard to say. I don't know that. Wait, what? It's so hard

to say goodbye to yesterday. Hold on, I'm playing. I'm going to play it. One second. Can I please play it? Dude, this song was gigantic. I think we learned

in a previous podcast that Nicki was not so much in the Boyz II Men era, but Andrew and I were. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I don't know this song at all. I mean, I'm sure I've heard it, and people always go, Nikki, come on. This will be

one where people will say that because of your... I love this song. This song was huge. Have I talked about my game, the prank I like to play about the song Save Tonight by Buck Cherry? Save tonight. You know that song?

Tomorrow I'll be gone. Okay. So my favorite thing to do, and I want listeners of the podcast to start doing this, and I want to start a trend. Because I've never done it. But if that song ever comes on when you're in the car with someone, or they probably change the channel immediately and go, go back to that. I've never if that song ever comes on when you're in like the car with someone or you know and they probably change the channel immediately and go go back to that i've never heard that song pretend you've never heard safe tonight by buck cherry it will blow people's minds and you got to be the age from like 28 to and on to enjoy this joke but it's so funny to just and whenever that song plays it's

the best song because that song is, everyone knows it. But there is, there's got to be at least one person that just somehow missed that song, you know? And so for- I did the same thing with the Star Spangled Banner. Yeah. I mean, that wouldn't work as well.

No, I know. But Save Tonight, it will blow, people will go, what do you mean you've never heard the song? And they're going to sing it to you and you're going to be like, they're gonna sing yeah they're gonna go save tonight they're gonna turn it up in the radio and they're gonna go you've never heard this song are you kidding me and they're gonna call people and go do you know that janet and people know what's named janet anymore janet's never her has never heard save tonight um so do that that's my new thing that i want to spread and i'm gonna do but i've never heard Save Tonight on.

I just picked that song because it's the perfect one. Okay. Tears in Heaven, Eric Clapton, written about his son falling out of the window that the maid left open. It was totally her fault. Just kidding. I just love that it was always associated with,

like, that was the maid's fault. Maid's fault. The maid didn't choose the child to, she didn't want him to. No one wants a child to fall out. Nothing's ever, stop blaming people for literally anything, And I mean that across the board, because whatever you do, you're, you can't, your, your brain made you do it. You didn't choose to do it. People are

always like, why Nikki? I just read a tweet of mine last night that was from a year ago. And my mom, I left a soda in the freezer and and exploded you ever do that when you're trying to microwave your soda the opposite way micro the freezer is a microwave for cold but it was such a long way to get there no but i but i i microwaved my soda opposite and and and i forgot about it and my mom and i and i was i go oh sorry it exploded mom i'm cleaning it out as much best i can which is probably 20% clean. And she goes, Nikki, right after I go, she goes, you got to take those out. Oh, really?

Like, I was so annoyed. So I wrote a tweet that said, mom hold on i gotta pull up this tweet uh exploded nikki do you ever look for tweets and you just type in like words you're like i typed in tweet mom soda exploded nikki glazer all in one thing microwave opposite microwave opposite no i said i put a soda in my mom's freezer and forgot about it it exploded so I apologized she said you have to remember to take those out I say it's not often that one sentence can change how you view the world and the way you move within it but I for one will never be the same and that is like that was me trying to be like stop telling people but you don't you shouldn't

leave your purse at bars you shouldn't leave it purse at bars. You shouldn't leave it. Like no one means, this goes back to the thing about if you're like, your thighs are big today and you're like, I have fat thighs. You didn't want your thighs to be fat. If you could snap your fingers, they wouldn't be fat. Right? So it's not like you chose that. Well, I did an exercise and I ate poorly. I chose to, I chose to have fat, fat thighs because I ate those things. No, you didn't. You didn't even choose to eat those things. Like you wanted to eat those things and you couldn't stop eating them or else you would have, you know? So like cut yourself some slack that your thighs aren't the way you want it to be. Cut yourself some slack that not everything is people's fault. So that made,

it was not her fault that the window was open. She left the window open and she wouldn't have wanted to, but it's not like she meant to do that. And if she did mean to do it, it's also not her fault because your brain, the way it tells you to do crazy things and murder people is also not your fault. That doesn't mean that it's right. I'm just saying it's no one's fault. There's no free will look into it. Sam Harris, the book called free. Well, okay. All right. I don't blame you for the hummus. Yes, exactly. That wasn't my fault that I took your hummus, but I did have to face the facts and apologize for taking it. What's your top one? The Tass rabbit's coming.

So let me say my top song is my final thought. Here's the story. You can turn it down to half volume because I'm going to talk really fast so I can get through this. I recently made a playlist for someone that I shared with them on my Spotify. I have never done this before with a playlist unless it was just like a Taylor Swift compilation that I made for myself. I didn't realize that playlists can be public and both private. I made this one private as soon

as I realized that I made it public. That was last night. I did not know that he, this person that I made a playlist for could also see all the other playlists I made right after I sent him this playlist. I was like, that's really fun putting together a playlist of my feelings that I was trying to convey to this person. I'm going to make up a, and then I was listening to sad songs that were also on that playlist. And I go, I would like this song to this person. I'm going to make up, and then I was listening to sad songs that were also on that playlist. And I go, I would like this song at my funeral. It's called She's a Jar by Wilco. I've told Andrew many times, and I'm sure that he would forget

and probably end up playing heavy metal drummer because he's like, I know it was Wilco. And then it's like just the most loud song that has nothing to do with death playing during pictures of me where I'm like looking wistfully into the like ether and everyone's remembering how great I was and like how much I meant to them.

That's my envision. I'm going to play Bug Cherry for sure okay keep going please play safe tonight at my funeral and then have me uh like somehow like sit up in my casket if it's an open casket like just put some kind of lever on me that like opens up and then my mouth goes save tonight and like marionettes along to it and and then i go and then there's a recording of me saying i have heard this song bitch and then i fall back into the casket and it slams shut and then i and then i just go into the ground there okay but here's the thing so i made a playlist called funeral right after i made this playlist to send to my friend that was like very emotional and like all my feelings i sent i made another playlist called funeral and that was just because i was gonna send it to my

family just in case something happens it's like having a will it's just a just a plan. I'm not really, I'm not thinking about my funeral. I mean, I think about it a lot, but it's just like, it's almost soothing. And it makes me like, remember, I would appreciate my life and think about how I want people to feel at the end of my life at some point. So I made a funeral list. Here's my list. And, and I really want to go through it very fast. So everyone has it.

Marjorie. So if I die, Marjorie by Taylor Swift. I was here. Beyonce. What light? Wilco. A long December counting Was Here, Beyonce, What Light, Wilco A Long December, Counting Crows She's a Jar, Wilco Everlong, Foo Fighters

Last Word, Anya Marina Wildflowers, Tom Petty And let me also add to that I hope you had the time of your life Because that song, Bringing Us Back Around Is probably my saddest song Because that is associated with The death of my

friend that I talked about at the top of the show who killed himself in high school. And that was playing at his, um, it played both at our, at his funeral in November of my senior year, you know, the fall before and to the slideshow was really sad. It also played during the end of Seinfeld, which honestly during the montage, it's one of of the I cried during that in eighth grade when that aired and it also played in our like senior video where it was like it always plays during sad times and it is very cliche it is very basic but

that song just elicits a lot of memories and makes me think about suicide and I just want to list one more song also that that is probably the saddest song and this is also associated with David's death rest in peace david kennecker who died into november 18th or 19th don't know which one 2001 um he killed himself and left a note for my friend kind of saying that it was because she didn't love him it was very sad and obviously it was her fault based on everything i've said earlier today that was i thought it was the maid's fault yeah it was the maid's fault and by the way i hope

people are laughing when i say that i know my friend who who listens to this podcast who's the one he wrote the letter to is laughing um knows very well it was not her fault so that's why i can make that joke but he left a cd with one song on it by by Ben Harper that we listened to right after we found out our friend died and that we're like, and watching my friend like on the ground crying to that song. So that song, I literally can't even listen to. And I don't even know that. I think it's beloved one.

Yeah. We have both been here before knocking upon love's door. It's so sad, but it's even sadder because I lived a, I lived a movie scene of like what, like that song was playing in the background. And if there was a movie scene of what you were watching two girls on a carpet, wailing, crying, and our moms looking very confused and scared after we got this news, that song playing, I mean, that's the soundtrack. So that's my final thought. Is that worth sharing on a daily fun podcast? That's the soundtrack. So that's my final thought. Is that worth sharing on a daily fun podcast that's supposed to be uplifting? You think so, Noah? Yeah, 100%.

Sometimes I say things on here. I'm like, people don't need this every day, but I hope it helps me. So thanks for letting me share that. And thanks to my friend who I know would be okay with me sharing that. Or at least I hope you are, bitch. And please don't sue me, even though I didn't say her name, but she wouldn't. She's a huge fan.

Okay. Okay. Andrew, anything? I thought that was the end. No, you can say something. Oh, no. My final thought is... We can take out that pause.

Yeah, what's your final thought? No, I'm leaving the pause. Oh, my God. Damn it. The TazRabbit's downstairs. We're going to build some furniture so we get the studio going. Can't wait for video coming out soon. And, you know, just keep on keeping on, folks.

You know how I say that. If anyone related to what I was saying about a dead friend or anything or felt any way and you want to reach out to me, you can always DM me or you can write into the show, the Nikki Glaser podcast at Gmail. You can also, we're going to find a way to send a voice memo for us at some point. Noah, let's talk about this later. And, um, and yeah, we love to hear from you and we might not get to all of it, but, uh, we get to some of it and guys, thank you so much for the

wart content. People are sending me pictures of their warts and we'll talk about it tomorrow. Please send them to me. There, a girl just sent a video of her picking at her wart and I had to shut it down because I was like, I need to be alone with this when I'm like relaxed and in bed and like, I mean, I'm sick. So keep those coming. Thanks for listening. And if you want to know what I'm talking about with the warts thing, please listen to yesterday's episode. We'll see you tomorrow. Okay.

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