The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #221 Tunnel Vision w/ Bestie “Em”

Episode Date: May 19, 2022

Paris Hilton gifted Nikki a pair of large sunglasses just in time for Nikki to hide her "lion eyes". Today Taylor Swift turned into a Doctor and gave a commencement speech at NYU. They discuss Taylor's thoughts on “cringe” then talk about being a huge fan of something. Nikki and Andrew give their perspectives on the new Sports Illustrated controversy and checking off boxes.  They introduce a new segment called Besties Being Guesties which features Bestie “Em” who listens to the pod while on patrol as a police officer. After learning a couple of things about co’uhl by-laws and dildos on the scene, Nikki brings up some new details about her upcoming special in the Final Thought.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

John Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

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You had to grab the lamp and smash it against the walls. And then, I decided I wanted to tell my own story. Listen to Crumbs on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. Welcome to the show. It's Wednesday.

I am in St. Louis with Andrew Collin. I still have sunglasses on because my brutal laser facial yesterday left me looking the way I looked when I used the vibrator on my face. And I got, like, my eyes look like little, like, lion's eyes. They look tiny. Can we see? Like, the skin around them makes them look swollen, and I just can't handle it. Yeah, but you can see off camera, but I'm not going to. I mean, that would defeat the purpose. Yeah, that's a good point. Because people will take that still image and be like,

this is who she is. And they'll upload it as my IMDb pic. I just can't have that. So instead I'm wearing a pair of glasses that Paris Hilton sent me. She sent me a gigantic case of sunglasses. I'm not kidding you. This box is

half the size of a room and I was so annoyed because I'm like what is this big thing? And then you open it up and it is a case. It's a display case that is as big as this table that you open up and inside are six pairs of glasses in foam. It's like a case

that you would send to Macy's to be like here's how to display this. A giant waste of materials but i'm very grateful for the glass i like these i like this look you kind of you a y you look like a cocaine dj in miami yeah i feel great it allows me to wear things that i wouldn't normally wear but really want to wear because paris said it was okay and she sent it to me and i would be a bad friend to not wear it. Yeah, it is. It is interesting when you get it as a gift, you can wear whatever the fuck you want. You're like, it's a gift. I feel bad for that person.

Yeah, my Nana is going to be so disappointed. That I don't wear these nipple clamps. Yeah, I get it. Speaking of nipples. What about them? Well, Noah and I were watching. Noah alerted me that Taylor Swift was going live on NYU's commencement speech and that they were broadcasting it on YouTube live.

And I didn't even know. And Noah told me, so I go on live and Noah made the hilarious joke from yesterday's podcast, Hamdrip, that Taylor Swift has bright red lips. And Noah just said to me, it's like, I wonder, I guess her nipples are cherry red. It's funny. It's a, I wonder, I guess her nipples are cherry red. It's funny.

It's a good joke. There's a good color on her. And it got me thinking about what her nipples were. And I just stopped because that is not okay. And she does not want that. But Noah and I really enjoyed the commencement speech. Noah, as someone who is not a Swifty, I'm so glad that you are,

what a good friend you are to give something not even alert me to watch it with me too like she watched it she has an interest in things that not only her friend but obviously her the host of the show that she produces has an interest in and like tries to this is what I want

in every one of my friends all my partners romantic partners to see the world through my eyes, to give things a chance that you might not necessarily like to understand their friend Nikki. And it really meant a lot to me. How long was the speech? 20 minutes.

Yeah, like 15, 20 minutes. And how was it? Okay, I felt like this is speaking to us because it's the things that we talk about she had a really great portion on uh cringe on the word i put it up on our um youtube or on our um instagram for the show okay because she did something cringe she did a cur thing and then i so i the wine highlighted yes it was a good joke but i was like and then right after that she was like you know one of her lessons was live with the cringe just

know that no matter what you do you can't fight it you will look back on your life and cringe and cringe is just because the new cringe is what the hashtag i put on our on the post but it was funny that that's how good she is she says something not knowing that it's but then she retroactively then gives gives an excuse for being because she says i'm gonna keep being her she said in 2012 i dress like a 1950s housewife for some reason it isn't yeah it is funny at the time you think i'm fucking pulling this off this is my new look i've done this 50 million times but at what point do you realize it's cringe and why does it suddenly become cringe because is it because of the times or is it because of you cringe is cut don't like i i had a epiphany listening to it like anytime someone goes that's

so cringe like my bob saget song a lot of people said was cringe like anything that you can look at that through your life that's cringe it is the same as cur you are trying to be something so that other people would think something of you you would not do it in a vacuum I I say that I would have sang that Bob Saget song in a vacuum you don't know the things I do in a vacuum about Bob Saget that are not for anyone but me and my spiritual connection to the past. You know, people who have passed. So it's like, but why put it out there then?

I don't know, to help other people process what they're going through and to make it okay to be a little bit saccharine and ridiculous. But yeah. But what did you get from what she was saying about it i got from the like stop trying to fight just let it happen and that people are always going to try to bring you down and and my favorite point was when she had the same thing that um conan had said in his um you know his last monologue

during the Tonight Show when he left because Jay Leno came back to take back a job that he had already given Conan so he played he was a what's that word that we can't say anymore you know what I'm talking about so a Leno head a Leno head a Leno giver

so yeah Conan so I gave you this and you just didn't handle it well and I'm not ready to just go die with my curse. That's good. Thanks, buddy. So Conan said – It sounds like me if I did helium or something. Don't do – don't be cynical. And that's what she kind of said.

She was like one thing that is – I think she was on the heels of the cringe thing. She said one thing that is often cringe is enthusiasm. Don't worry – like I – she's on the heels of the cringe thing she said one thing that is often cringe is enthusiasm don't worry like I she's like I love enthusiasm and then Noah that reminded me of a thing you had said prior when we were when we first tuned in she was about to come on stage and you were like oh my god this chat is insane people going like Taylor Taylor Taylor OMG mommy mommy mommy and you know it was hard to type all those things while I was talking to you, but I did shoot off a fair amount of mommy mommies. But that's why Swifties,

and you go, I can't believe this fandom. I wish I loved something that much. I wish I had that much fervor for, you know, you gave an example of your Carcass concert this weekend. Yeah, I uh in line to buy merch i really wanted to buy a hat and a t-shirt and the guy in front of me was such a huge fan he had bought this like limited edition box set a vinyl a t-shirt and a hat and and i saw how much it rang up it rang up for 190 and he was just like admiring it and like so happy and

like hugging it and I just was like so jealous of how enthusiastic and then I saw him like all the way in the front row just like going crazy and being and I just felt so like jaded and I I just was like you know I I miss being I don't think I've ever been, actually I was. I was a fan of Guns N' Roses that big. And then it squashed. And I was just like, I just miss being a fan of something so deeply. Yeah, and it's enthusiasm. And it's like, Taylor encourages this crazy enthusiasm

and like basks in it. Who's Taylor a fan of? Does she have fandom of other people uh yeah i mean like she's honored people at the rock and roll hall of fame like uh what's her name uh carly uh no carly simon um she's you know i think joni mitchell um she is a uh there's been tons of examples of her especially when she was doing the 1989 tour and she would bring people out. She was so reverential and like a gaster.

But whose t-shirt would she wear? Like, have you ever seen her wearing a t-shirt? Yeah, she wore the 1979 shirt, or 1975 shirt when she was dating a guy, allegedly from the band. So she definitely would wear people's t-shirts, but. No, I just feel like sometimes tim mcgraw we could all be so self-involved to to release ourselves to being fans of things outside ourselves and that's why i asked a question because like i have like i like

sports i love sports i've never i don't i think i've worn like a jersey twice in my life yeah and really like we're doing maybe not a jersey but like what about just a shirt with the logo on it i know i i just i i like the team i just i've never been like hey we're we're doing great this year i've never been that and i don't know if it's a i think i do it to attract other annoying that i that i that care about it too. Yeah. Yeah, no. That makes sense.

That's what I like is when girls are like, I like your shirt. And then I'm like, yes, you get it. And I love when I see other girls with Swifty stuff because I'm just like, it's almost like we came from the same hometown or we went to the same high school. It's like that kind of like kinship. And I wear it to be like like because i know so many people think taylor swift is like they they just pigeonhole her as like this pop artist that is talks about boys and and maybe if i am wearing something of hers not ironically they might give her a shot

and be like okay that woman has is a tay Swift fan. She seems cool. Yeah. But although sometimes I think that I probably just add to the, wow, look at that crazy lady with Crocs and two dogs and an empty dog sling. Yeah. Yeah, I was going to check out Taylor Swift. With 18 Starbucks orders for herself. I always look like I'm going to a meeting where I'm greeting a bunch of other people,

but it's just me to pack up for the day so I don't have to keep going back to that Starbucks. And they go, you have a problem. I go, no, I'm going to a meeting where everyone wants the same drink as me. Oh my God. They encourage your addiction, which is nice because everyone's addicted.

No, I mean, that's what I used to do. People who have food addictions will totally relate to this. I want the same thing for every meal, and you get embarrassed. I've talked about this before. You get embarrassed going back to the same place, even if you're addicted to cigarettes or something, and you're like, oh, my God, I already bought a pack there today. And the same guy that's going to still be working there later, he's going to know that I have a prop. How could I have already gone?

I did this with gum. I did this with caffeine. I did this with caffeine. I've done this with fro-yo. I would wait. I would find either another place that sold it and drive across town so I wouldn't have to see that person again. Or a subway. I used to get the same footlong sandwich every day. And I would try to keep it all day, but I would eat it in one sitting.

And I would always want another one because once you start a binge you're just like I'll just keep going yeah and um I would just go I would drive so far out of my way to not see another person that worked there so I wouldn't get the judgment that I got at the Starbucks downstairs the other day but now I own it I was joking when I say I get a bunch sometimes I get two because I just want them back to back not because I don't want to go back into the store. But there is a slight shame of knowing you are doing addictive behavior that is abnormal. Oh, I do it at Golf Galaxy. What do you mean? I'll go in. I'll putt for two hours.

I'll hit different clubs. I've traded in numerous amount of clubs. And then they joke with me about the guy that's like, can you believe this guy fucking trades in every fucking three weeks a new driver like it's gonna help him and it's not his horrible swing and he really isn't that good at golf. I'm like, wait, I'm that guy.

Wait, if you trade it in, do you get, is it like you left the tag on? You're like, I haven't used this, but they know. No, you just trade in for less. So let's say you buy a drink. So they sell used stuff all the time? Yeah. Wow, that's interesting. No, they don't. I won't buy used stuff. I'll buy new less so let's say you buy they sell you stuff all the time yeah wow that's interesting no they don't i won't buy used to i'll buy new stuff why don't you buy stuff i should yeah you should yeah of course of course i should but you think is there a part of you that thinks it didn't work for the last person why would it work for me yeah probably and only the new stuff works yeah it's stupid but i'm actually by you i am kind of done with

though the trading up and the idea of like, oh, this will change. This will help me. It's fun though. There's an enjoyment with it. There's getting lost in it, the addiction of it. I was thinking about the fandom thing though too about like we have some friends that are really close or that are in the locker room at times. And they'll tell you stories about like how the players don't care really at all even about winning or losing or their fans for that matter so that leaves a little bad taste in my mouth too

sometimes where it's like oh they don't give a shit about me why should i care about them but then you're also in your living room screaming and going like god damn it like why why do that if it doesn't matter well i don I don't do it. My dad does that a lot. My dad, you would think you're at the game in the front row, and he just got hit by one of the players the way he yells. I'm jealous of that enthusiasm. Agreed. I am too.

But I don't know why I get pessimistic about it. I'm like, oh, these. I was really pessimistic. I mean, I'm not as much. What's been the biggest fan you've ever been of anything? Tom Petty. Yeah. Seeing him in concert right before he died did you ever get into an obsession of like putting his poster on your

wall and wanting to read every book and every little thing about him i mean i saw his documentary which is but did you see it like as soon as it came out and were you like in the like i was really involved in it and and and seeing him live i saw him live four times i saw him right before he died with my brothers we're singing every word like there's something there's a story behind every song and like when it was not that far not that far but i know he's from florida leaving of of mine to know every little detail yeah i did it with the beatles but then that became overwhelming why because it was my first like my dad bought the anthology book. Yeah.

I remember when the anthologies were coming out in, like, 96. It was, like, the second, and there's, the coolest moment, I think, for me and my dad ever was, because my dad's just as big of a Beatle fan as I am, like, a Taylor Swift fan, and when the Beatles anthologies came out, they released new music that they found in, like like these tapes and they're um one is called Real Love and the other is fuck it was the first one that was released but it was um that was like the coolest moment because I was maybe seventh or sixth and seventh grade but I was it was the first time my dad and I we equally were like we're getting new Beatles music so we heard a new song and we're just like

you know it blew our minds to hear and it was just like a shared moment of like such fandom and also he got me into Wilco like there's there's all those yeah my dad loved Traveling Wilburys and he loved Tom Petty so there's definitely like Daddy Love Me so I

learned the lyrics to you know American Girl yeah but I've been obsessed with Friends the Definitely, like, daddy loved me, so I learned the lyrics to American Girl. Yeah. But – I've been obsessed with Friends, the show. I used to get all the books and read every single piece of information I could about them. I've been obsessed with Dave Matthews, Counting Crows, Wilco. Any boy bands? Were you two? You're two.

No. I was just a little bit too old for Backstreet Boys and Young. For new kids. Young for new kids and old for, obviously, One Direction. I'm old enough where girls had jean jackets with their Donnie. I don't know who fucking picks Donnie. That would be so cool. That girl's pretty cool that she picked Donnie.

That was the whole thing, though. That's like the Joey. This is who I am, this person in this band. It's just looking for identity, for sure. Let's go to break and talk about more stuff when we get back. Andrew! I'm over the shoulder of a young lady, but I'm not creepy down the block. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show,

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Listen to Crumbs as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network. Available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Tomer Cohen, LinkedIn's Chief Product Officer. If you're just as curious as I am about the way things are built, the insights behind what it takes to create a world-renowned product, then tune in to my podcast, Building One. There's so much to learn, like how Patagonia innovates with its supply chain. We had to go out to farmers and convince them it was really damn hard.

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to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented presented by capital one founding partner of i heart women's sports and we're back um what's been uh i'm can i ask you a question about the lyrics thing because we were talking about lyrics i i could i've learned as we saw yesterday i'm extremely lyrical but no i've i've learned like songs before but all i could know the words to songs and not know the meaning the meaning or play the story in my brain noah is not a lyric head either we've learned oh yeah you're not a lyric head either yeah it's more of a feeling i guess but she doesn't even memorize them recently i've been i've been looking at oh

you don't even memorize them i've been looking at like oh, you don't even memorize them. I've been looking at like Lyric Genius or whatever, Genius. Yeah, yeah. And really going over like Sturgill Simpson, Jason Isabel. What does it mean? Like why are they saying these words? What's the buildup? What's the story? Like how did they put it together?

Yeah. For the first time in my life. And I think there's a lot of people that know songs but don't know songs. Yes. Out there. And I don't know songs yes out there and i don't know there's just a different kind of brain whenever i'm on the instagram uh playing music and people like request songs that i like known forever and then i pull up the lyrics and i'm like that's the lyric like there's like moments like that and um yeah you you uh would

you take the cd and and read oh my God. I mean, with the ones I love. Not with every single song, but I love looking at the liner notes. There was something about holding it, right? I just loved. And I loved because so much of Dave Matthews is like, It's like the Pearl Jam stuff. And so you would need to know what the fuck he was talking about. And thank God for liner notes.ok is really funny with that shit with pearl jam

have you seen oh yeah oh there's one where there's like a sign in some you know denmark or something oh they're just breaking down the lyric and there's just like what he's what they think he's saying versus what he's oh my god it's the funniest shit ever but yeah so you wouldn't know until you read it and then right or i would think i would know and then be so like there's a lot of taylor swift ones like that where you know in the subreddit people will be like what did you think this was and then what was it and there's tons that um i can't think of any right now that i always, oh, this is a weird one I do. And this is for a very select group of people. Oh, God.

You break down the letters? So they're in blank space. She goes, so hey, let's be friends. You know, it's like, wait, I forget what, it's something before, something, hey, let's be friends um i could

but hold on dressed as like space lyrics i'll find it one second oh okay uh she goes new money suit and tie i can read you like a magazine ain't it funny rumors fly and i know you heard about Me and Sohey Let's be friends I'm dying to see How this one ends Well when I was listening To the Serial podcast

The first one Do you know with Oh Amnon Adnan Yes And he murders Does anyone remember

The name of the girl He murders Sohey No her name is Heyman Lee Oh Her first name was Hey And so when she goes Sohey does anyone remember the name of the girl he murders no her name is heyman lee oh her name first name was hey and so when she goes so hey let's be friends i picture taylor swift saying hello to the woman that was murdered and i don't know what is wrong with me but i always think of so hey let's be friends like she's befriending this um asian girl yeah in the year

2000 yeah there was another part in the commencement speech. I had to write it down that I wanted to bring up to you. It's the part where she was talking about how she never gives advice unless someone asks her for it because throughout her career from starting young, she's always gotten unsolicited

advice from executives and this and that. She says, she always had this in the back of her mind that if she made any mistakes all the children of america would grow up to if she didn't make any mistakes all of the children of america would grow up to be perfect yes do you remember when she talked about that yes and because she said that so many people said you're setting an example for young girls and so don't mess up and that if she did mess up they would all be fucked and if she did didn't they would be okay so it was like on her shoulders

the more fans she got the more like she she was the older sister for all of these young people she was like they're, that was interesting. And I always cite that as an example of like, I've heard that before from people who mean a lot to me of saying, what you did here is a really, girls are looking up to you and this is really not a good look. And I don't know, I've never really struggled with being a good example. And there have been people writing to me about like, Hey,

the way you talked about food today, or like you feel fat, like that really made me feel sad. And that's like not a good example to women. And then I catch myself and I go, yeah, you're right. Like I was just in a bad state of mind,

but I always argue like I, it was way more detrimental to me as a young girl to see people being like, seeming like they were so okay with their bodies and the way the world was and acting like everything was okay. I think that this fake body positivity is way more harmful to women than skinny women being like, I hate my body and it sucks and I don't know why. That at least addresses the issue of, I know that this is wrong to say

but i'm struggling with it so you don't feel then bad like i know that that can make you feel bad if you're bigger than that girl to go like well then she probably thinks i'm fat but what it deals what it then causes us to address is this skinny woman thinks she's fat what is the issue here as opposed to this as opposed to everyone being like i love my body and if you don't you're failing so i just i think lying even even if the truth is something that's really ugly lying is worse than that for um a future generation i guess i guess though it's like what if someone is completely happy and completely content with being overweight? They really feel it and own it.

Then they can say it. Yeah. But then – But I know. But do you think that they're – I know for a fact women who claim to love their bodies, and then I know that they don't. Well, I mean, there's a big thing going on right now with the Sports Illustrated cover. I don't know if you saw it. Oh hated that cover so much not the fact that they put a bigger

girl in there the fact that they put an older woman on there it was all it's all just such here you go yeah we are woke and then what what we still have kim kardashian does this make up for it i posted something they had they hedged they hedged yeah i postedged I posted that I took it down immediately because I was like I don't want to get pulled into this but I posted the old woman cover and I go does this make up for and I was going to dot dot dot this and I was going to do Kim Kardashian it's like no

we see through it no one is jerking Sports Illustrated is to jerk off to no one's jerking no one should be jerking off to a 68 70 year old woman in a waterfall i'm sorry that's weird she's still beautiful but it doesn't belong in sports illustrated like what are we doing here it's fine like she's a beautiful woman i i would kill to look like that woman i'm glad she felt herself i think women should be in swimsuits yeah sexualize them all

you want but but they were not actually they don't actually they don't care sports doesn't care photographer who is some catty little bitch who makes girls feel bad about themselves because i've had photographers who are used to shooting models and they make you feel bad that you're not a model they were not loving that shoot they were like oh i got the old woman today like it's no one behind that was all orchestrated it was all performative they want clicks they want people talk they want us talking about it like we are right now but you know what i take it all back because if it does make older if my mom sees that and goes oh maybe i could wear a swimsuit like that and be proud and like look

stunning and a little bit sexual fine like then that's good or the the bigger woman that you know jordan peterson gotten he's pretty much canceled now because he he was just being fucking mean like this is not sex what did he say well his whole thing is he was like not beautiful like very like not beautiful he ties it he ties it into like the woke taking control what is the woke i know but i'm saying though like it could just like you don't have to bring out that into everything i don't know i just felt like i thought the older woman was the one that where i go come on guys well he went he went after and then a lot of people on twitter went after him and then he goes twitter is volatile

and people are coming after me and then left twitter i know it's the crying bully which there's talked about actually on sam harris's i don't know if you listened to the latest one but the crying bully the guy that's the bully and then when it turns to him cries victim yeah i mean it happens all the time yeah but that the older woman i will say like i will be 70 something someday um if i if my brain lets me make it that far and i feel like i i will look back on that and be like that is lovely i'm glad they gave her a chance but it i i still want acknowledgement that we are placating you we are we are playing a game we want to get away with still being you know ogling women for being a certain body type and worshiping kim kardashian and giving this person who by all means is setting bad examples for women with her diet talk and stuff like that we want to still be able to support her so um if

we do this too it's like when people you know amber heard donating donating in quotations it's fine we all do it all day long where we go i can have some of this if i eat this salad like now what if what if they acknowledge that it's salad what if they did all overweight women and all older all older overweight if it was across the board then i how would you feel about that i would love it i would think it'd be i would love it i would love it yeah but that doesn't then they can't come out with like another thing they have to switch completely now that's not to say i still this is like um what's it called duality no where they well you know where they um affirmative action where you you just acknowledge we are trying to alleviate a problem, which is there are too many of one kind of person represented here. So we are purposely putting in people that represent another minority.

Then that's fine. Just acknowledge that what you're doing. And maybe they did. Maybe they go, we're tired of having the same body image. We want to represent other people. But to me being like, we didn't know that.

We just realized these women are beautiful too come on in no no no no no and there's a native american they've been here all along and you've ignored them ever yeah i was thinking about good i don't know why but i was like i was thinking like there's always like they give you like one or two minorities or one or two overweight or one old lady yeah and And people get crazy about it. That's what made me think, like, what if Sports Illustrated was like, we're only putting in African-American women, and it's all African-American women.

All. Yeah. And maybe one white person. And just to kind of finally understand, like, what is being seen from the other way. Yes. I feel like sometimes they don't go far enough to show their message. There's plenty of black.

No, I know, but that's a black magazine. I'm saying a magazine that has been predominantly white forever. Yeah. Like, that would fucking, for me, that would be like, oh, okay. They're really showing a statement here. But these, like, subtle, like, you know. One or two. Yeah. And it's like Nike, like, taking on Kaepernick and like, oh, we don't showing a statement here. But these subtle... One or two. Yeah.

And it's like Nike taking on Kaepernick and like, oh, we don't care about our sales. We're welcome. We're for him. But they know that it always helps. It's always about the bottom line. And that's all it is. And just be honest about it.

It's like when women on comedy shows, there's always one. But like, and if they try to do two, they go, we got a woman already. Sorry, we already booked a woman. It's just like, now there's always one but like and if they try to do two they go we got a woman all right sorry we we already booked a woman it's just like now there's we're up to like maybe there can be like two per show but if it's an all-woman lineup it would be like they you would have to call it something comedy cramps yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ovary yeah ovary calm yeah i don't know something something better than what we just came up with but you

know plan it out yeah i i just i i look i it's an it's annoying where it's like you're just talking to me i don't know why hey my eyes are up here comedy show fallopian fallopian funny these hips are wide enough for childbirth lineup jokes. We have to go because we have a special segment coming up. What happened? Oh, well, we boom, boom, boom. The news, we get through it so fast that you don't even hear it. Sometimes it doesn't happen because it's so fast.

You guys have to slow it down. We are a slow podcast. Oh, yeah, we are. We're just chill here. We're just chill here we're such someone probably listens to us on point oh oh oh four or whatever i'm not joking you my friends and i have a whatsapp uh thread that noah is on oddly enough she's poor thing you turn those alerts off noah right oh yeah it would be so funny for you to open your what will you open your whatsapp app to

see how many messages you have unread from our group because noah's in our group it's me sarah lena noah robin uh kirsten um and taylor and noah dropped off like in august when and obviously no one we sometimes just talk to noah and go like noah if you do hear this we don't care that you're not getting back to us. Just know that like, do not ever feel bad about not, because some of us drop off for like weeks at a time. And like, it's just the most forgiving,

awesome little place to be. But, um, we, uh, you speed it up. We talk about that in there because you can speed it up and everyone listens to, I listened to Robin.

I think we talked about this. I've listened to Robin on 1.5 because she is British and so sometimes and she talks fast I listen to Sarah Lena on 2

I listen to Kirsten on 2 I listen to Taylor on 2 and for me they just listen on 1 it's so funny that you've just made all your friends chipmunks

I swear to God and then when I talk to them in real time I'm like did you have a stroke yeah yeah can you speed this up?

I also listen to Chris's show, The Courtney Show, every day. And it's always like, da-da-da-da-da-da. And they have this one segment called Can't Wait. And they do a theme song. It's called The Best Thing I Saw Yesterday. And they always just share something on the internet that they saw that was the best thing. It's like, can't wait to show my friends today the best thing i saw yesterday and it's like this funny song but every time i listen to it it's like goes that fast but then i was in studio the other day and it was

like can't wait to show my friends today and i go you guys are taking up like a minute of the air with this song that is so is already slow at two times the speed. All right. Well, we have a very special segment coming up that we are going to do maybe monthly, which incorporates you, the listener. So stay tuned. We'll be back with that. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show,

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This message is brought to you by the Ad Council. All right, we're back. So it's Wednesday, so we have Wild Card Wednesday. We just do different segments. We have a new one that is going to incorporate our listeners. It's time for Besties as Guesties. Being Guesties, yeah. Besties, being Guesties. Being guesties. Yeah. Besties.

Being guesties. Yeah. All right. Today on the inaugural segment of Besties as Guesties, we are having on our bestie, Em, who is Canadian and has a dog definitely making noise in the back. Dude, is it two dogs? He's been quiet for the last 20 minutes. I have two and he's been quiet the last 20 minutes.

No, it's totally fine. We relate to that. Em, we decided to have on because, you know, for the segment we want to talk to besties who have stories and experiences, jobs, life experiences that we don't have and that we want to ask questions of. And so, Em, you are a police officer, correct? That's right. Yep. And you did a fanthrax, right? And that's how we knew about you being a police officer?

Yeah. Yeah. It was like 3.30 in the morning and and I was just making notes from a call, and I had noted that there were several occupants in the car, and I laughed at myself for several, thinking that Andrew would think it was like a clown car with hundreds of people, and it was just three. Was it some kind of riot then? It was probably a riot. I laugh every time. Every time I use that word now, I laugh. Several. Okay, so my first question for you is, how did you be, what,

did you always want to become a police officer or was it something you kind of fell into? How did this happen for you? I actually was a teacher before and I don't really know where the change came from or where the switch flipped, but I just, I found that I wanted something a little more challenging, I think a little more exciting. So I applied at 27 to become a police officer and got on pretty quickly. And it's the greatest job in the world to me. Every

day is exciting. Every day is different. And it's just always super challenging. So that's kind of what led me to that. Was, Is it different being a female police officer? Like, are you, there's not that many, I'm guessing, as many men? Yeah, I would say the ratio would probably be maybe like one female to like every maybe 10 to 12 men. Okay, so probably the same as comedians, probably. Oh, yeah. You know, do you what is what during your training to be become a police officer was there anything that you were like oh man i might

not pass this like what was a thing that you didn't expect or which was really hard because i always think about the like the training and like how they try to weed out the weak yeah i think the physical stuff at the beginning I was I think overwhelmed by just because there's it's not different for men versus women because you don't go to calls as you know the men are going to go because it's a bigger part you go because you're there so some of the the training in terms of the fitness stuff um you just have to train really hard um you know CrossFit style very cuh but um you just you get through it and um i don't know it's it's manageable like a driver's test where you just have to you know

pass it once and then you can kind of let yourself go because there's some cops that like you know could not run you know a mile after themselves four years yes yeah yes i'm gonna let him go i'll get the next guy we'll get him yeah it's uh at least up here and i actually i think in the states too um you there's like fitness testing that you have to pass before you can get hired and then like when you're at the police college or like in the states at the academy there's a lot of training but then you get hired and it's just kind of like we just want to keep you because a lot of cops are quitting and retiring so i i think they lower the bar a little bit once you're hired so that they just keep literally officers on the road over what what um is there fear in your mind when you think like

i might have to pull my gun i might have to shoot my gun like did you think about that before like the idea of being a cop is cool right you're like oh i'm on the beat yeah i get to put on a uniform every day i got a stick like it's kind of it's just oh it's like a kid's dream yeah yeah you got all the fun things handcuffs you know and then you get out of the bedroom what what no but like did you ever fear that and think about being in a situation that was life or death and how did you train your brain to eventually and have you been in those kind of situations or things that you maybe never thought you'd be in but you found yourself in yeah so it's definitely not like the movies where you know

there's all this big excitement with those kind of gun calls and stuff like that but there's two things that they teach you about when you're training and you don't get to replicate those things until you're actually in the situation. So one is tunnel vision, and the other is auditory exclusion. So when you're in a heightened situation where you're facing, say, I had an I had a situation where a teenager had a knife to her own throat, she was, you know, suicidal, and obviously in a major crisis. And when I got to the call and actually located her, I didn't realize until I actually got there that she did have a knife to her throat. So she's standing there, she's got blood up her wrist, and she's got this knife to her throat. And I didn't hear I couldn't hear my radio. I didn't

hear anybody around me all I it was like a straight tunnel just right to her. And then it was like, I'm just yelling to her, you know, like I'm just yelling to her you know drop the knife drop the knife I want to help you and all that's from my training it's like my brain didn't even process what was happening or I wasn't aware of it I just my training came out and then it's like all of a sudden I blinked and I had like five other officers there and we you know we got her on the ground safely and we got her apprehended and took her to the hospital but it's like your training kicks in and it's like all of your other things like I wouldn't have been able to hear a a train behind me it's like right yeah so it's crazy is that from doing it from repetition when you're training because that kind of instinct

doesn't lock in unless you've done it so many times over and over and it becomes habitual I mean is the training extensive like of of putting you in those positions over and over so that you can just click into it? Yeah, I would say like maybe not so much situational, but like when we do our, you know, like our firearm training, we do a lot of, you know, pulling your gun and issuing commands like drop the gun, drop the gun, drop the knife. I want to help you. So you kind of just get that instinct when you pull your taser out or you pull your gun out you're automatically saying those things and then i think it all just kind of clicks and you're also going to a call you at least i i'm kind of playing worst case scenario in my head so if i'm going to a call where it's like oh you know gunshots okay and we we get those a lot and it's you know fireworks or a car backbarring but you play the worst case scenario in your head and kind of anticipate how you're going to respond yeah so on the way there you're almost running through what you will do in this circumstance

so that when it actually happens it just goes naturally okay what were you saying cops obviously in america the last few years i mean it hasn't been the best pr for them lately does that transfer over to canada do you guys talk about how the cop system is in America and how, you know, maybe certain bad cops aren't called out by good cops. And do you deal with that in Canada? That, that, you know, the backlash that happens in America and also the people have less guns in

Canada, correct? Or am I wrong? Like the, the gun laws are different there. So does that help you at least show up on a scene where you're like, okay, it's,

let's just say if you were working in america would you be a little bit more scared yeah yeah yeah um the yeah the gun situation down there is uh in my opinion terrifying um up here we have a lot of illegal guns and that's kind of the scary thing because i mean at least down in the states you know you're a lot more aware of who has guns and people i think that most people have more of a respect for guns at least I think just because they own them they've grown up with them whereas here it's not the case so um yeah it can be a little scary I guess when it comes to the gun stuff for sure but why not tasers why don't you just tase everyone like instead of shooting them like tasers just seem like such a

great tool to just completely like the girl with a knife to her throat just taser immediately like why why try to um you know convince her to drop and this might this is obviously ignorant because it's not the way it's done so why not though because you if i got tased the knife would like wobble and then i drop drop it. You know? Yeah. So we did have tasers out on her. Tickle them. Or that.

Pillow fights. Why not pillow fights? Why not gently whisper in her ear and then lick the lobe? Why not put a little laser pointer in their eye? That's annoying. Okay. Go on. I like all these suggestions. I will pass them along.

Okay, cool. Yeah. Bring them up to the next force meeting. To the deputy. Yeah. No, we had tasers out. We had tasers out on her. We didn't have guns out on her. The taser has certainly, like, I go to my taser very often.

I'm not a big person. I am 5'3". I'm not going to win in a fist fight with a lot of people. I pull the taser out, and a lot of the time, it's funny, too, because you pull it out, and you know right away who has been tased before, because the second you touch it, they're like, no, no, no, I'm good, man. I'm good. And I'm like, yeah, you've been tased before. Because have you been tased before in your training to know what it's like?

Yes, we got, yeah, we got tased. It is hell for five seconds. What does it feel like? It feels like, imagine a lightning bolt going through the top of your head and coming out of your foot for five seconds. Oh, God. So it's, it's almost sounds worse than like i'm reading this columbine book i don't mean to act like some kind of expert on gunshots but everyone who your glasses say different i do look like range glasses columbine

is my new they do look like range oh my god that's so funny um no it's every you know and we've heard this a million times. You get shot. People just go, oh, someone just shoved me from behind. Like a lot of times doesn't even disable someone in the way that you think it would because your adrenaline in that situation. Neither does a taser though.

A taser sometimes will people not be debilitated from a taser? I mean, I feel like that always. No, I've seen people on drugs rip them out. Oh, fuck. And that's really scary. What are those little things? Why are there strings on the taser? I thought feel like that always no i've seen people on drugs rip them out oh and that's really scary what are those little things why are there strings on the taser i thought it's all electricity it is so it goes through those it's called they call it neuromuscular incapacitation which

basically means for five seconds you can't move anything in your body every single muscle seizes up it is the worst pain it's like you know when you get a like a calf cramp at night? Yes. That over your whole body for five seconds. Oh, my God. Wait, I have a question. Oh, yeah. Noah, I guess you can ask. Yeah, go ahead, Noah. If you want to get tased.

I want Em to tell us about the call she had for stolen clothes. Okay. Was her name nikki in 2007 so and this this was like a very and so this is when people think you know policing is exciting this is just such a run-of-the-mill call so this girl called in saying that she um her her jacket and a bunch of her pairs of her boots were stolen several pairs of her boots were stolen from her like the front entrance of her apartment and she had like a shared front entryway and then a doorway into her apartment and I got there and she showed me the area and I said okay like I'll step in and we can take your report so I step in and I'm facing her and she's telling me and I look up at her and there's a big like a shelf behind her and she's got this massive white dildo on this shelf just sitting out like a decorative piece

and I don't think I heard yeah I don't think I heard a word that she said because I couldn't massive white dildo on the shelf, just sitting out like a decorative piece. And I don't think I heard. Yeah. I don't think I heard a word that she said. Cause I couldn't. They're going to be trained behind you, which there probably was a lining up to fuck this girl. Next thing I know there were five other women cops.

Oh my God. That's so funny. So did you mention the dildo or what? I couldn't. I was so distracted and I was kind of hoping that she would notice my eyes just like gazing at that giant dildo. This thing was massive. I gotta wonder, you know,

whenever I encounter a cop, for some reason, like even talking to you, you are on a screen in our in our room here and it looks like you're almost bent down talking to me through my door of my car and you're issuing a ticket like i there's there's an instinct in me that wants to apologize profusely like kiss your ring do whatever i can to kiss your ass like i i almost don't think of cops as humans and I want to like normal people let like even in passing when you know I'm walking the dog and there's a cop that

walks by there's a guiltiness that you know falls over me do you remember how you used to look at cops and is that or or like as just a normal pedestrian or pedestrian you know just a normal person that is a non-cop do you remember how did you ever have that with cops where like you just can't chill around them and do you now understand like do you see people tighten up when you walk by and is that the same in Canada because that's the way it is here in the states we we definitely get tense absolutely I used to be terrified of cops and I was I've been pulled over a couple times. And I remember just being absolutely terrified and thinking that they could do absolutely anything I had. I never realized all the freedoms that civilians have until I became a cop and realized people will fight speeding tickets. They'll fight disobey stop sign tickets. They will do anything. They'll video you they'll do the most disrespectful things that actually this kind of lends to another story that I was telling Noah about and just how people treat cops and something that I never would have dreamed of. So we had to, we went to a call

where it was a check well-being call on a guy who he locked his roommate out. They were having a fight and he put like a bunch of like three or four inch screws in the door so that even if you unlocked it, you couldn't open it. So we got to actually breach the door,

which was kind of fun because I'd never done that before, and breached it with my shoulder. And we go in, and he's fine. The apartment was nasty. He hadn't had hydro, so he was shitting in his bathtub, and it was really gross. Hydro meaning like running water. Yeah, like no running water, and the apartment was hot.

That sounds like just like an energy drink here. Okay, so yes. Some kind of weed yeah so um but as i'm as i'm leaving oh my god shitting in his bathtub i've been there you must see stuff like that all the time that's what i do love about cops is they seem very non-judgmental of the surroundings when when you are they're not going to judge your dirty car like they're just there to take care of a task even though if you've unless you have a dildo on the shelf but go on yeah so yeah we've seen you name it we've seen it but um as i was leaving that call i go back out to my car and i had parked on just the side of the road and the

front the very front of my cruiser was just past a sign that said no parking on this side so about a foot of my car was just past the sign so i'm walking out and there's this homeless guy walking by and he's pointing at my car and i'm like hey like just here for a police thing and he looks at me and he goes you're a two dick mouth bitch wow a two dick mouth bitch yeah yeah does that mean you have a big mouth that she could yeah fit in a two dicks your mouth i'm looking at it right now it's it's beautiful it's not maybe two small dicks two two dicks. Your mouth, I'm looking at it right now. It's beautiful. It's not... Maybe two small dicks. Two tiny dicks. Not several.

It says a lot about that guy. But yeah, okay. And because of your car, because you were breaking the rules. Yeah, everybody loves to point out cops. Oh, they love that. That American cops break the rules compared to you being a foot out.

They'll park the wrong way, take up the whole lane. And then if you even look at them. Just to get somewhere faster. Oh yeah. Yeah. And they look at you like, if you, if you have a problem with it, they're like, like testing you. Like please say something.

Yeah. Please say something. I have a taser right here. I will say though, I think by and large, like, I don't think all cops are like like i i know a lot of people that are cops that are like good people yeah but there is something that you must see on the force and i will say this as a female comic male comics are different than female comics like you the reason you go into comedy as a man we have a lot of similarities and why we do it our

mothers didn't love us enough we We have low self-esteem. But there's a pussy incentive that men have that women don't. If you want to get a lot of dick, comedy isn't why you should. That's not something that women go into it for the dick. That would never occur to us. Do you feel, as a female cop, that you went into it differently for different reasons than the men? And do you often feel like a lot of male cops can be kuh

and are trying to gain control of maybe this? You know, I love the Sarah Silverman joke. I don't know if you've ever seen it on her show. She gets pulled over and he goes, ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over today? And she goes, you got all Cs in high school? And I like that there's like this deficiency that they're trying to make up for.

Do you see that there are, there are there bad cops within your force that you can go, oh, yeah. And name them. Badger number two. Badger number two. Yeah, there's definitely that. I mean, it's like every job, right?

You're going to have bad teachers, bad lawyers, bad doctors. Yes. So, but it's like in my notes for this, I literally wrote like cops are cuh. Like there's so many that. They're cuh. Yeah, it's like in my notes for this, I literally wrote like cops are like there's so many. Yeah, it's like that, like the outfit. And yes.

And they just. Yeah. And you'll see like the dating apps are on their Instagram with their their like uniform pictures. And it is just so cut like it's. I can't. Oh, my God. Do you wish that was illegal sometimes? Like, I feel like a lot of times goodness will get you

pulled over like revving your engine blasting loud music like do you feel do you wish you could write tickets for k there are some fines that would be considered k that have actual names like unnecessary unnecessary noise from a vehicle um that would, that's ka. And then there's actually, I don't know if you guys know what the equivalent is, but we have things called bylaws here. So it's like each region or city has its own kind of set of rules to live by, but they're not actual criminal

offenses. So things like we have a bylaw that I love. It's called hooting and hollering. So you can actually get a ticket, a fine, for hooting and hollering so you can actually get a ticket a fine for hooting and hollering oh my god public disturbance kind of thing yeah that kind of thing yeah there's also but he's like i wasn't hooting i was wooting or like you know like what what makes it a hoot and holler i don't know just way too much yeah yeah yeah, yeah. And that should be the way. Like, I'm so annoyed.

That is so cool when people, it often happens, obviously, with, do you, here's my question. How much of the time when you are writing tickets that are outside of, like, let's say traffic, even though this plays into it, where people are being, getting in fights, disorderly calls, how much of the time are drugs and alcohol related to that?

I mean, every time, Brian. I honestly say if people would stop drinking so much and go to bed on time, we would not have calls for service. That's what I say to people in relationships who fight. I go, if you guys stop drinking, you wouldn't have no more fights. Or the fights you would have would be under control. Drinking contributes to,

and obviously drugs, but drinking I think is the gateway drug to drugs. Like drinking is what is, you know, legal. And so, and permissible, but like,

so what, when you pull over someone, um, and you, your first suspicion is probably always got to be this person's maybe drunk. Cause they made an error. Are there signs that you can tell when someone's driving that you are to look for when they're intoxicated?

What are things that drunk people do when they're driving that other people don't? And what's the funniest encounter you ever had with a drunk driver? Because I'm sure they've said some insane things to try to get out of it. Yeah. So typically they're either trying to drive perfectly but like going way too slow and staying at stoplights for way too long yes i love the perfect drive but i heard though that a lot of times really drunk drivers they don't correct right away like that's more of a high driver or like a driver who is just like not paying attention you know and texting

yeah and drunk drivers are a little bit slower at their corrections is that a thing yeah it's like bull it's like when you bowl with the bumpers up and it's just kind of back and right yeah wow and then their eyes don't you look at their eyes and like when you do the little scan with your finger their eyes will tremble yeah when they go side to side if you're drunk. Yeah, it's called horizontal nystagmus. And their eyes, if you're a sober person, your eyes will track like windshield wipers on a wet windshield. If you're impaired, your eyes will track like windshield wipers on a dry windshield. So they stagger. And it's a fun party trick.

You should try it with your drunk friends. What about marijuana? Does that make you windshield wiper stagger like or like uh so any kind of impairment will make you do the little wobbly eyed thing yeah and some cops will say the eyes don't lie and i say that's we don't say that oh my god it's so good i guess what are some other things that you you go oh this is someone i don't even have to oh I will do the roadside test because this person, maybe I don't smell alcohol, but this is a thing that drunk people do.

Because I think it's so funny how often people give themselves away. Guilty people. Maybe not even drunk, just guilty. They're usually very quick to answer and very, very nervous. A lot of the time we get drunk people coming out of drive-thrus, like going to McDonald's.

That's what I was going to say. Why don't you just hang out outside Taco Bell at 2.30 in the morning? He said put a breathalyzer on the Taco Bell speaker. Because we were like, I'll take two tacos! Shout out to Clayton Champagne for that joke. He's a retired comic. But we're going to finish up with you. What I want to know, and this is for my own peace of mind,

what is something that you can tell people in dealing with cops that you would, like, advise people? Like, when you were 26 and had never had anything to do with the force, that you would have, like, maybe benefited from knowing, maybe cop-related or non-cop-related, like, something that you can tell the general benefited from knowing maybe cop related or non cop related, like something that you can tell the general public about what you know now. I would just say that like cops are normal people. They all have, you know, families,

dogs, friends, like we're not robots. And if you just talk to us like humans, because this is how I am when I pull someone over, if they're nice to me, I have a hard time giving them a ticket unless it's something very egregious or blatant. Wow. I have a hard time. If you're just nice to something very egregious or blatant I have a hard time giving them If you're just nice to me you say oh I'm so sorry Like I didn't mean to do that I'm sorry that I did that If they're nice I'm having a really hard time

It goes a long way It does just be a nice person I mean I think that is so important I think because I think so often People just get on the defense Right away and they think Cops are good because of the way you're portrayed in movies and also in america that we get on the defense right away this person's

going to be a dick and a lot of times let's be honest they are but i have gotten out of tickets before by just showing your humility yeah that's what i call my left tit humility and integrity um no just humility and um regret and that's my but I just show that will get you years and behind bars I just am like oh my god that was so dumb and also being like you're right whatever you're gonna do for me it's probably right because this was dangerous and I needed to learn my lesson I was in Mexico and I got pulled over by a cop what's what's cop in Spanish capo so I got pulled over by policia and um I will say that they because I was texting and driving and I and he was right you know like I wanted to make the excuse if I was looking for directions which I was but still I was distracted. You so often, is texting and driving illegal in Canada? It is, yeah.

Is it a bylaw? Okay, yeah. Which it should be. Isn't it like, don't you see it as like the number one thing with, it's like drunk driving at this point? It's super distracting and people don't realize that. Or how long they've been on their phone. They don't know how long they look down and you know that you're one of these people that

is, look, I've done it before where I look up and I go I don't know how long that was that's not a good sign anyway the guy pulled me over and and I said to him I was like you're right like I whatever you want to give me like I need to pay the fine I need to learn my lesson like this was a wake-up call because I like getting caught for things before they get worse like when I got caught shoplifting I was like I will never do this again this is so humiliating i would have kept going if i hadn't got caught so it's important to be fine and penalized for things but he goes you know it's gonna be it was four hundred dollars and whatever i already forget what pesos are but it was four hundred dollars american and um he needed cash which is suspicious but you know policia andicia. And I was like, I don't have it. I have like $20

cash on me. And he was like, okay, well then I'll take your ID and you need to go pay tomorrow to get the ID back. I was leaving the next day and he was like, and if you pay tomorrow, it's going to be $600 American. And I realized in that moment, I have two driver's licenses because I got I lost one and then uh someone found the one I had lost and returned it so I had two and I was like oh I'll just let him take it like I don't care the four hundred dollars but then I thought they might give this that might be in some record and then the next time I go through customs it's going to be a crazy thing and they're gonna have to get someone else to host f girl island or f boy island whatever we f person island and so um i ended up paying it but i paid him cash hand to hand no no write-up of it but you don't that's where you go they can do

anything and i do find that when i've been cuffed before by cops it is the worst feeling in the world which i'm sure you know that you give people that feeling where something changes when they get cuffed, where you know you have no, you don't know what's going to happen to you. You have no rights. You are not, you do have rights, obviously, but you just feel so, have you ever been arrested?

I mean, clearly, probably not, right? I've never, no, I've never been arrested. Yeah, would they let you in the force if you had been? I don't know. I've heard of. They don't even let you in Canada if you've been arrested for anything. Yeah. I think people have maybe been arrested, but have like talked about it, been honest about

it and maybe shown that they've changed because I don't think it's a bad thing. People. I mean, people can change. People make mistakes. People fuck up and it brings a different dynamic to the job. So could I be a cop at 30? I'm about to be 38 in like a week if i decided right now like let's say i'm a canadian could i you think be a cop can you

become a cop at 38 and let's say i have no record yeah i had a yeah i had a classmate at police college who was in her 40s really yeah oh my gosh that's cool and you know what's cool is that you decided to do something you were already a teacher what did you teach I taught elementary school Okay what did you teach My last job I was teaching I covered prep so I taught like all the fun Boring subject like music

Art all that stuff what made you go No no no this ain't for me I just wasn't like satisfied fully Is it easier for a kid to be quiet When you have a gun It's probably like if I just wasn't satisfied fully. Is it easier for a kid to be quiet when you have a gun? It's probably like, if I just had a gun, I could teach social studies. I'm sure there is a cutoff of age to become a police officer, but I think a lot of people think like 27,

oh, I'm not going to have a career change at that point. Well, I think there's a lot of young cops, like really young cops, and I think that can be a problem because they're too young to really understand people. Your brain doesn't even finish developing until 26 or something. There's some New York cops that I think are like 21. We have some young cops and I, yeah, I shake my,

and especially with how these young generations are now, I hate to sound old, but it's problematic. What's the biggest thing that you look at that you go, okay, these kids are different than us? it's problematic. What's the biggest thing that you look at that you go, okay, these kids are different than us? They're entitled and they don't understand discipline. They don't have discipline because they just get everything handed to them. That's a thing.

Even in Canada, people aren't disciplining their kids. And they're not getting disciplined in school because teachers can't discipline because parents get angry at the teachers if they discipline. It's so bizarre. Anyway, that's another subject for another time. Em, thank you so much for talking to us. Yeah, thank you.

From Canada. Thank you for being a bestie. Thank you for coming to our shows. We'll see you in Toronto, right? Yes. Yes, absolutely. I cannot wait to meet you again. We met you in Vegas already, and you brought me Smarties, which is my favorite Canadian treat.

The only thing I maybe give into my, you into my I can't eat them because they're vegan, but they're the best. They're big M&M's. They're big Canadian M&M's. They're delicious. They're not like the American Smarties, which are dog shit. Yes, they have a crispy harder outer shell. It's like a pretzel M&M almost.

This brings me to my point. Talking to besties about Smarties. No, I'm just kidding. Thank you, Em. Thank you for being on our first episode or our first segment of Guesties as Besties. Thank you, guys. Besties as Guesties. Thanks, Em. Bye, Em.

Thank you. Bye. I wanted to say the aloha of Canada, which is there anything that you say that's... Sorry. Sorry. She's still here. I know. How do you say bye in canadian

sorry yeah we say cheers a lot cheers cheers uh all right bye girl bye thank you it took em a second to get off zoom and i just want to say it i made this joke on conan of where you go from leaving a meeting to then the screen comes up again, leave meeting, and it leaves you this weird blank space. I am so trained now to keep my smile on the entire time. I've done so much press for this. Welcome home, Nikki Glaser, question mark on E! Sundays at 10, 9 central. But I go, bye, guys. sundays at uh 10 9 central but i go bye guys and and the other day i did caitlin bristow's podcast and i did a recording on my computer like for audio for backup just in case

and that interview is out now by the way no it's not yet i don't think anyway um and the recording kept going after i'd already said goodbye to them off zoom and i knew it was still recording and i i kept just talking like it was like i was like that was fun like i made it sound like because i knew that they might catch me saying something a little different or like just it's so insulting though when someone is like so enthusiastic and then immediately dead face oh i got the best text from caitlin though yesterday um that said, because I went on her podcast. Noah, you'll love this. Caitlin Bristow wrote me yesterday out of the blue.

Who won Dancing with the Stars. Yeah, I know. What did you say to her? It was so funny. I forget exactly. But I'm just saying. What's it like? Nikki got last.

What's it like to say? Or no, Nikki says she got first voted off. What's it like to say the first part of that? She wrote, what is the book that you told me about on the podcast? And I wrote Getting to I Do by Pat Allen. And she was like, yes, haha, the book lives on, talking with my girlfriend. I'm going to get so many girls into that book. Final thought.

She's engaged, right? Yeah, I think so, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I've talked about Getting to I Do do so much obviously, um, on this podcast and on the UF podcast, uh, I, it permeates my life and is something that I think is so many valuable lessons. And I also was editing my special yesterday and, um, or not editing it, making sure it was color corrected properly, which it was i got

my friend's um husband to do it he does like you know so many he's done so many people's specials and i'm so i got him at like such a good rate and he was so nice to do it anyway uh i saw the the color correction looked beautiful but i'm like can you make me a little bit more orange and i'm like i know no one wants that. No one would ever want that. But Glazedog do. But I was watching the special, which took me forever to do. Editing it was hard enough.

And now it's already edited. So I can't make any more edit changes. This was just about listening to the sound and listening to and looking at the color. It comes out when? I can't say yet. They're forcing me to get this done so that they can start putting together clips in the ad campaign but this summer this summer and um i will say i wrote to chris because i was like i can't watch this i'm dreading watching it i

you know it's it's been since i think march or no no like february that i turned it in finally and stopped making making edits to it even though I made a million edits um I said to Chris this is so good and I will never let myself say it's not it is really good I'm really proud of it I will say though and I think I'm wondering if I should admit this in the press that I do for it. There is a dead spot in the middle. There's a middle part where I get into the book and I have to set up the book to get us into some more things

and I am proselytizing a little bit. The joke or book? No, to get into a series of jokes based on the book, I have to set up a book. Oh, the book. And I didn't have enough. I look back and I go, there is a dead spot. Now, I want to just say

that does not negate watching the special you watch a lot of things that have dead spots that aren't making you laugh the entire time i contain multitudes i can just have us it's okay to have a section of stand-up for about a minute and 20 seconds where it is just me rapid fire like explaining something it's a lot you're allowed to just be interesting and not like boom boom boom boom yeah all the time um i wonder though like there are things i look back on that i'm like why did you say like is it okay as someone who is presenting something to the world to say i love this i think there's a lot of great stuff in here it i i do think that it could have been better i am better than this.

And I don't want this. If this were the last thing I was judged upon, I would feel, no, actually I would feel okay about that. But I know you shouldn't judge me based on this for my entire career. Like if you don't like this, don't turn off me. That's what Taylor Swift was talking about.

What do you mean? She said. Of like, yeah, this could be my 2012. Oh, right. We are so many things all the time. She was talking about this. She was talking about being a writer. And she goes, you write differently on your Instagram stories than you do in your diary.

Then you do it in an email with friends. Then you do it in a caption on an Instagram story about a Mother's Day post. Like, you are multitudes. Like, me in this special was a slice of my life. At the end of me, I was doing my, I was recording the reality show that you guys are now seeing. That was, I shot the special November 28th.

Post COVID. Well, post quarantine kind of thing. For me, the special was post, I don't have any time in my life to do anything except like I didn't have time to look over these jokes. I didn't have the proper amount of time I want to prepare for the special, but that does not mean it's not great.

Like there's, you know, my special on Netflix, The Degenerates, which Andrew, thank fucking God, was there for and brought me my dress when I'd forgotten it in LA and got to be there for it. That set was insane. That was falling on a time in my life where I was forgotten it in LA and got to be there for it that set was insane that was falling on a time in my life where I was going off the rails like the night before suicidally like crying throwing myself on the floor that special the next night I am insane but it's fun it's a different

energy to it my perfect special was me so sober toned, working so hard on every little joke, had to be perfect. Like these are different, you know, little, and I just wonder though, you always have to act like everything you put out when you're promoting it is the best thing you've ever seen. And I'm so, like, I'm proud of this special, but I wanna just talk about and be honest about like this special is not what i would is not exactly

what i wanted it to be but that doesn't mean that it's bad and here's the only thing with that is i think you're you're the artist you don't necessarily want to um stir the narrative of what how people are going to proceed because if i go, look at this picture, dude. I look like dog shit. Yeah, you're right. You're going to see dog shit. Even if you don't see dog shit. I guess I'm just trying to get ahead of people

on stand-up comedy subreddit going like, it's not as funny as so-and-so. That's going to happen regardless. I'm unsubscribing to stand-up comedy from Reddit as soon as my special comes out. And I'll subscribe again in like a year when people maybe have forgotten about my special. But yeah, I just know, I know what I'm capable of as a comedian and this is me doing

something that I think honestly I say it in the special but I hope young girls find this it's almost like the show real sex was to me when I was growing up where I was like I know this is naughty I shouldn't be watching it but I learned some stuff or taxicab confessions. Like I learned things about human nature that when you sneak R rated things, you learn. And this is something that I genuinely hope children sneak because I'm not doing any harm. I'm not encouraging women to do anything that would not make them like I'm

talking about sex in a real way. Like I wish I'm not going to, I might do this, have this as a running theme, but I think for my next special it would be fun to call it, well, my next special actually I'm trying. I think I might, maybe not my next one, my next next one, I'm going to do all clean material and just call it C. I like that. And I'm not really going to call it C because that sounds too like,

but like really like C for cunt or something. No, but just like, no, I get it. Fucking clean stuff. Here you go, motherfuckers.

That's what it's going to be called. But then there's no, why don't you just call it C mom? It's not even for my mom. It's really like, it's for people who think I'm not capable. I've already started writing every day. I write a clean joke about just like a thing.

You know, like yesterday was like people giving me plants as gifts. Like, okay, I'm just gonna write about that. Like I'm gonna, I'm consuming Gaffigan and I'm consuming Nate Bargatze.

I'm consuming all these clean comics who I really look up to and realize like, oh, I can do, I can do this. Why am I, the reason I'm not, I'm gonna talk about it

in my special. The reason I talk about dirty things is because that's what's interesting to me and the other stuff isn't but I like to Chris gave me the idea I mean he wants me

to do an all topless special so he's all over the place wouldn't it be funny to do a topless special and have it be my clean one yeah that is funny that is funny

I like that a lot these tits aren't gonna be great forever and you'll finally get to see my favorite lip color I think like the whole idea of clean versus dirty is just like, even if you write a clean joke, it can come from your darkest, most twisted brain.

Yeah. And that's all it's about. It is hard for me, though. Same with me, for sure. There's a guy I follow. He's hard for me though. Same with me, for sure. There's a guy on, I follow, he's the best guy to teach you guitar on YouTube

based on everyone's recommendation. His name is Justin Guitar and he started learning guitar left-handed so that he could experience difficulty again and like relate

to his students that are struggling holding the pick and so he talks about constantly his left-handed guitar experience which is just like what, and he's an amazing accomplished guitarist on the right hand but he's doing it the other way to learn and i feel like for me clean comedy is left-handed guitar it's like i'm i'm a

master at what seemingly you would be able to put into it but i i've just never i've never done it before what's hard for me too is like i'll do do a set, and I'll have two or three clean jokes, and it'll go well. Yeah. And then you get that pop on a dirty joke, because I just think it's funnier, too. And because they love stuff, especially if you've given them clean. So it's hard. It's hard.

That's why peppering in the F word. People love stuff people love like stuff because our job is to talk about stuff on there that we, you know, that people don't talk about normally. And now we got to go. And so I'm going to close with a little rap. This isn't my best rap, but you know, this isn't that. Luigi's sitting next to me.

He's sad. He's always depressed. I got to take him for a walk today. That means I got to go get dressed. I can't really wear this out. I mean, I guess it's kind of fine. I got this shirt from a rental company. It probably costs $49.99. Would I pay for that retail? Hell fucking no. It's just a shirt that says Blondie that's made to look retro. My shorts I got from a tanning place when I was waiting for my booth to be clean. They have a whole retail section and the stuff, you know what I mean. It was overpriced and they caught me.

They said it's on sale for 40 bucks. I was like, those shirts, shorts that used to be 120, 40 bucks, that's a steal. So I didn't steal them, but I bought them because sometimes it convinces me that I'm getting a deal even when they purposely mark something up and then they take it down that's real that's real that's what they do I really gotta go I don't know why I'm talking about shorts when I started talking about my flow hell yeah hell yeah yo is this thing on it is yeah is this thing on yeah it is it's real on you could hear me all right let's break it down. Yo, this is my dog. No, it's not. This is Marion. I'd like to crumble her up,

make her liquefied, and shoot it like heroin. Wait, are you done? That's all you need to do? That was fucking good. Don't even try to beat that. Dude, that felt pretty good. I mean, flowing does feel good because it just, you know what it forces you to do is be creative quickly. And to turn your brain off.

And to turn your brain off and just go for the easiest rhyme. Noah, do you want to try it? Hell no. Alright guys, thank you so much for listening. Thank you to M, our bestie. If you want to be a bestie guestie, please write to the podcast on our Instagram.

You can DM us, tell us what the story. If there's something that we talk about on the show and you go, I actually have insider info on that, reach out to Noah, submit your story, and maybe we'll interview you on Besties as Guesties. And we have a show for you tomorrow.

Don't you think we don't? Don't be cut. And Jack O'Lantern. Mississippi. I gave up on mine. I said Jack O'Lantern. I said Jackson. Oh, wow.

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