The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #225 Return Label

Episode Date: May 26, 2022

This episode is sponsored by UberEats, download and order on the UberEats app today! Nikki is reluctant to know what Andrew got stretched this morning that made him feel so good. She did stretching of her own with new bunion splints. Andrew reviews Jackass Forever and his favorite scene had to do with note taking. They talk about torture museums and then about the tragedy in Uvalde County. You Heard It Here First, 'retail therapy' is not therapy and it's ok to take your ex's stuff if you really want it. Andrew successfully makes Nikki feel "seen" in the Finish My UberEats Order segment. Nikki's final thought includes her confusion about Letterman coming out of retirement to interview celebrities.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money Podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch

your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki.

Hello, here I am. It's Nikki. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. Welcome to the show. It's Wednesday. I'm in St. Louis with Andrew Collin. What's up, Andrew? Can I open my eyes now?

Yeah. Surprise. Oh. It's me. What if it wasn't? i'd be fucking freaking oh my god um noah's in arizona how are you guys today okay i'm good got stretched this one got stretched out stretched out oh boy i know that sounds so gross when you say it. Which part? All of them. Yeah. Would you get stretched?

Just my asshole. How long was it? Too long. Yeah. How dilated were you? I literally Googled last night, is my hemorrhoid too long? Did you measure it? Honestly, this thing, it's its own person.

It's starting to grow legs. Oh, no. I think I probably, it doesn't hurt. Is it like a salamander tail? Yeah. You can pull off and it'll grow back. It's starting to grow legs. Oh, no. I think I probably... It doesn't hurt. Is it like a salamander tail? Yeah. That you can pull off and it'll grow back? It looks like... Maybe you'll have to have surgery.

It looks like a man that makes salads. That's how big it is. Boy. I think... It's a tongue. It's a salad tongue. It's cool, though. I can tuck her.

I can tuck her in. Now it's a girl. Did you look at it yet? I haven't looked at it. I pull on it sometimes. So you know. You can feel how long it is. Yeah. Yikes look at it yet? I haven't looked at it. I pull on it sometimes. So you know, you can feel how long it is. Yeah. Yikes.

Does it hurt when you feel it? Feel it? Or like when you pull on it? No. So then who cares? It's an accessory. Does it get... It's a little tail.

Does it get in the way? From what? Pooping? Pooping? I mean, why did you even Google what's too long if it doesn't bother you? Good question. I don't doesn't bother you. Um, I just, I don't know.

That is a good question. Um, it's just unusually long to the point where I go, how long are we talking? Um, do we have, how long is this podcast? To say the measurements to the exact numeral it would take it would be like doing pie

um wait a second so tell me what are we talking seriously how long and like let's be honest here don't go don't exaggerate i'm not exaggerating show me with your fingers i don't do this again i don't i don't feel but you it if you were to pull on it. Guys, he's doing an inch. It's at least an inch, maybe an inch and a quarter. Yeah. Wait, and what are the diameter of it? It's a little. What's the feeling of it?

Is it like rubbery? Yeah, it's like a rubbery substance. It's like if you pulled, you know, those like Play-Doh or like an old, those erasers that would pull pull apart okay kind of something like that i'm sure it doesn't hurt when you pull on it it doesn't hurt the only time my asshole hurts is when i eat spicy food and then somehow you know my ass i don't know i don't know why it hurts so bad um you never looked into that like why does spicy food make my asshole hurt? I'm busy Googling other things.

Yeah. Like, one other thing. Just one. Every day. I mean, it's abnormal. Yeah,

that's, I mean. Oh, so anyways, I got my hips stretched too. Yeah. And, just everything.

It's a great experience. And how much is it? Did you find out? So, you could get four sessions. For a hundred bucks. For like, a hundred and fifteen bucks or something. And how much is it? Did you find out? So you could get four sessions. For $100. For like $115 or something. And then you tip on top of that?

Yeah, I tip. I do tip her. Okay. I do. And then, okay, and how long do they stretch you for again? 20 minutes. That's not long enough. I want longer.

You could do a 40-minute option. It'll be probably, I don't know, like 33% more probably. Yeah. All right. I could be into that. I mean, just the way I look. I don't know if this is the best way to do things, but you compare them to massages you get.

Do you roll first before they stretch? Because stretching, I've learned yesterday from my guy, if you stretch without rolling out first, you're pulling on cables that are like taut but if you roll first and warm up the muscle then it's going to it's going to be able to stretch like a rubber band but if you're just stretching cold like going in and just all right way stretching and not doing rolling out first you're just pulling on cables that can't move so you're saying my hemorrhoid could be even longer

do we got to get a little roller? I really do. Will you pizza roll my roid? Oh, my God. All right. Doesn't that make sense? My guy said your muscles are like, imagine they're like taffy. If you're trying to pull about taffy and it has a wrapper on it, you can't do anything.

But when you do myofascial release by rolling out, it warms up the muscle. It removes the wrapper so then the taffy can stretch now how sore when you roll because when i roll it's it feels like a million bees are attacking i love it so much oh yeah you probably last night i was like really getting into it i did my chest which is like it is sore today i went really hard with the theragun and also with like a lacrosse ball just like over it and it was so good and um and this morning i do feel like better and more like oh like there's more movement in my chest and then um i rubbed out my um oh that's it my this with uh my shin and soleus which is like the lower calf and like all oh boy there were some good spots there but chris my boyfriend who goes to this guy and has been doing it much longer he was like

you gotta find the because i was doing the theragun on my chest and i was like why can't i just do this instead of the little cross ball and he's like show me the pressure you're doing and i did the theragun on his hand and he was like it's not hard enough like you need to like find spots and just push on them and like torture yourself with those little knots and which is like my favorite thing to do but it's so painful it's so painful i got and i got these i got toe spacers for my bunions that are my favorite thing these cost 70 i used to have them but i lost them and i was not expecting that and you yeah so what does that do so they're toe spacers you can't find this kind on amazon these are like

the other ones are made of like this just such shitty little rubber i've tried to find your feet look like hands yeah and it spreads apart your toes and the the one between my big toe and my second toe has like it has a little hole in it. So does the one on the end. And so you can roll up. I rolled up an old set list and put it in there and it made it even bigger space. So now are you wearing those from yesterday? Cause you posted a video on Instagram. I've been wearing them.

Is this the new ring? They fell up at the very, yes, the new ring. They, um, they fell at night. Yeah.

The other foot too. Can I ask a question? Huh? This one doesn't have the spacer cause They fell off at night. Is the other foot too? Yeah, it's got the other foot too. Can I ask a question? Huh. This one doesn't have the spacer because I don't need that. Does that hurt at all or is it like a nice? No, it just feels good. It starts to hurt a little bit because it's like stretching it. How long are you supposed to keep them on?

I mean, ideally all the time. Oh. Because the thing is. Like Noah's retainer. Hamdrick. If you wear, yeah. That's right. One show.

If you wear toe spacers and like bunion splints for just at night, the way you walk will completely outdo everything. If you take them out, suddenly then the pressure of your whole body leaning on that toe and pushing it back into place, it negates everything. So I try to wear them all day. Did you run yesterday? When you take them off, does it feel like, remember when we were talking about the arms,

when you push up on the arms? I was wondering the same thing. Does it feel weird to then have your toes come together at all or no? No, no. They just go right back to the way they were. I love these though. They feel so freaking good. I like left them on for some hanky panky last night and like the pain of these plus sex is so delightful.

I love pain. Oh, oh, oh. Just like being like your body being forced to do things that like it knows it can do, but you got to try really hard. It's just so erotic to me. Like I forgot I left them on during uh lovemaking and then after while they were on my foot during it i was like this is an added like thing like for me i like sex to feel like endurance like i'm doing things that are like i'm uncomfortable with physical not like psychologically but somewhat but physically too and so I think that it just adds to it.

Like I'm always going to wear my bunion splints during sex now. I really like it. Did you keep the Crocs on top of them? No. So wait. That would have been too hot. Now is your boyfriend attracted to the- He doesn't mind it.

They're not in the picture. He doesn't care. What if your legs are up? Maybe he puts his fingers in them. That would be cool. I don't think it would be cool for him. I don't want to speak for him, but he is not turned on by my feet by any means. He's not a foot guy or anything like that.

He wants everything stretched out if you know what I mean. Oh, God. That's not true. What a word. No, it is the worst word. But I will say that LeBron James has the worst feet I've ever seen. So if anyone ever tells me... Wait, how do we know about LeBron's feet?

Do you want me to show you a picture of LeBron's feet? No, but how did it come up? Because I was looking at Googling celebrities with bunions, and all of a sudden his shop showed up, and I'm like, LeBron James' bunion is worse than anyone else's bunion I've ever seen. That dude has put more miles on his feet. But other athletes don't have feet like this. They really don't.

He has a bunion. Wait till you see this, dude. I didn't know guys could get bunions. If he gets corrective surgery and then he loses his whole game, that bunion is the reason Or he plays for another 10 years and that's the only thing holding him back? I think he has done enough research that this thing needed to be fixed. Now, what if the doctor said to you either you could wear those – I mean, what is that?

My mom has that kind of toe. What toe is it? What do you mean what kind of toe? His pinky toe. Oh, where it comes up? Yeah, that's like it's being moved over from like too tight of shoes and just weird feet. That's like the best athletes on earth feet.

I know. So I have feet that are very similar. I have more in common with LeBron James than you do probably. I would say so. I don't know. I'm pretty ashy too. My foot looks mangled. And now I look at it as like, okay, LeBron James has it.

Whereas Chris was saying to me well think think of what maybe he could be without that i'm like what what more do we need from lebron james i'm sure there's a hot woman hot woman sports star that has no bunions so i'm more similar to her than you okay you want to be a female athlete good for you i don't wait so what we were just talking oh what if the guy goes to you goes either you wear those spreaders every day or you just never wear heels again um because doesn't the heels affect the bunion yeah but i heels aren't look too good they look they look they make they look amazing it's like it would be like telling you not to wear a outfit that really elevates your style you know like that no i get

that but i'm just saying if it caused me pain and like i guess that's not causing my no they're already there that just like irritates them a little bit more okay then they already would be irritated they're not it's not really like making them worse i only wear heels like two hours or three hours a night two times a week which is it's probably not that much it's not really making them worse. I only wear heels like two hours or three hours a night, two times a week, which is... It's probably not that much. It's not too bad. It's not. That is not what's causing these things.

So, yeah. So I rolled out last night and then this morning... I keep thinking of the Ludacris song. Roll out. I went to Starbucks. What, this morning? Yeah. And I had to write this thing for this book.

I just, oh my God. This book, I mean, I feel like. It's the bane of my existence. I feel so bad because the woman I'm writing with, I just keep telling her, I'm going to like, oh, I'll have this to you by this time. I cannot get anything done when I say it's going to be done. Nothing.

There needs to be a punishment. I've missed every audition one of my deadlines. That you'll probably like. What? Did you get your audition done last night? Yes, I did do that. But I sent it 30 minutes after it was due. And it might be too late for it.

And I think I may have sent the wrong fucking thing. I don't even know. And was it good? I don't know. You know what, though? I feel like it goes back to like everything i do is just last minute i cannot ask him for an extension i don't know it could be one of those things where it's like okay yeah we'll wait for her like they can always say no that's my point is like i ask for

extensions knowing that if they say no then i lose opportunity and that's that i'm not like i know i'm gonna get an extension like i asked knowing that the answer could be no yeah and i go okay well maybe it gives you more value to ask for an extension in a weird way i just blow past every single fucking time i set for myself it's just what did you do in school when you were when you were late with stay up late stay up the night before every but i know what made you do it though, eventually? The punishment? No, because I had to turn it in. But why don't you feel that with this deadline? Because there's no real punishment.

Well, because people make exceptions for television stars. Yeah, I can get away with it. And because I have people working for me and I'm paying these people that I'm not necessarily the people I'm turning in the audition to. What if she calls your parents every time?

If someone wants you enough, if someone wants you enough, they'll give you an extension. No, I know, I know. So that's part of it. I have people around me that allow me to get away with things. But if someone goes, no, you can't do that anymore and this is a problem, I'd be like,

bitch, you're on my payroll. You don't get to tell me. So then what? But I also realize I always give people, and I do this for everyone. I hope they know this, that when I am running late about something, even Matt the other day at our show, I went long and the casino was pissed at him because it was like, you need to be off stage by 12 o'clock i was off stage at 12 10 and matt got in trouble for it and i'm like please let them know it's my fault

there's nothing you could have done i don't i i disobeyed you so like you are not in charge of me in that way and it's not your fault please let them know that like blame me so i hope that people know that i like noah when i forget to give her an ad or i like ask for an extension on an ad i'm due to give her i i it's i never want it to land on her that it's her fault but she is in charge of getting it from me so it does ultimately well i learned my lesson and i always broke her for that extra time oh good yeah that ad wasn't i don't know if i should have told you that no you're right because you know now like i am not gonna get i just know how to work with you people learn how to work with you and that's fine that that's a part of the collaborative effort

yeah the airport the airport situation we used to like that used to bug me. And then you just adapt. And it's not saying that, like, I also learned that your way isn't necessarily the wrong way. It's a different way than most people do. You know, like, showing up. You leave no time in regards to getting the bag there, getting to the airport. But I also learned you can do that. And we've only missed, I think, two flights in our whole. Yeah. I think two, three maybe out of 200.

We've made every show. We missed one in Bloomington. Remember, we got stuck in traffic. That wasn't necessarily. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We did leave late, but that was kind of out of your control. I don't know. That was probably in my control. But I really have never – I've maybe missed two shows in my 20-year career from being late for the airport.

Because there's always a way around it. And also, I just look at things like it's a show. This is not me going to sign a peace treaty for the end of a war. This is a dumb show at a comedy club and things get in. Yes, I know there's a lot of money riding on it, but I always try my best. But when you start to look at things of like, it's just a show.

And then especially for you, like you can look at it like it's not my show. I know that took a while to get to. Also, you think of whenever you would travel as a kid, there was a, you had to get to this thing think of whenever you would travel as a kid there was a you had to get to this thing like i remember i missed one flight you know my whole life you don't miss flights really from leaving too late when you only fly once every five months it's like a big thing it really annoys me when people are like i'm packing for a trip next week i gotta

start packing and i'm like what yeah over preparing for things really sets me off when people do that like because i'm such a person that doesn't do that that i get so annoyed by people who actually do the thing that i wish i could do that i just i just get so frustrated by them but these are skills you learn over time you've traveled for 16 years yeah so like but i never i never packed yeah that's true before yeah never i was always the night before i remember i missed one flight uh for like my step family reunion and i probably missed it because i didn't want to go yeah and it's like i've really fucked up who doesn't want to go to a step family what is that what am i doing there why am i there it's it was in the middle of pennsylvania it was me and like five cows and nothing good happens in the middle of

pennsylvania just you know except for welkes-barre that was a hell of a show oh yeah that's true It was in the middle of Pennsylvania. It was me and like five cows in my hemorrhoid. Nothing good happens in the middle of Pennsylvania. Except for Wilkes-Barre. That was a hell of a show. Oh, yeah, that's true. That plane crash. It was so weird being at my stepfamily reunion. That wasn't a good thing, though. But a brave thing.

What? That was better than my stepfamily reunion. Yeah, was it terrible? So you missed it? So I missed it, and then they had to change arrangements. And then you're the one coming late. The thing is, they don't have to do that. That's on them. They can just go on without you.

You're the one that missed it. They don't have to change anything. When people go, well, we had to do this because of you. It's like, that's you. You wanted to do that. Just go on without me. I understand if I'm the star of the show, then I do feel bad. I'm like, I'm sorry, sorry but we gotta go to break yeah um let's talk more or less about this when we get back

to this andrew every steps go to another step if you keep stepping up you never step down but if you step down don't be sad like a Okay. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah. Whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard

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Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays for money advice without the judgment and jargon listen to how to money on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts all right we're back i'm kind of getting two raps in yeah you are i apologize i'm that's one of my favorite parts of the show is you ending the first segment with a little just like lullaby. So anyhow, did I watch – have you seen the new Jackass? No, I have no interest. I don't like seeing people get hired. I don't think you would – I didn't finish.

So this is the funniest part about Jackass, and I think you would – this would be your favorite prank. They go – Johnny Knoxville opens. He goes, we weren't gonna do another it almost sounded like another godfather the way he was talking about it he's like we never thought we would do another jackass and then tremaine jeff tremaine or whatever the other guy's like we never thought and then johnny looks at the camera earnestly he goes but i've been writing for 10 years and i knew i had to get what I've been writing filmed like he talked about like what he's writing is like it can't be more than what we write in our phone in terms of

notes of like literally nephew like that's what his is there's no writing that I understand I call what I do writing too but it's really just two words in a note but I would I call what I do writing too, but it's really just two words in a note. I would say what you do writing is more. So then it cuts to the first interview, and it's just a guy putting a tube in his ass with hot sauce. And I'm like, I got to see this. I want to see the writing. Copious notes that he has taken to write. Do you think it's a drawing, like a stick figure?

Yeah, the blueprints. What if it's like a 15-page beautifully written thing about a guy putting hot sauce in his asshole? Oh, my God. I was crying, dude. I was crying. Just how seriously. He was the only person I ever interviewed that I was just like. Yeah, he was co, right? I don't like when people go, I don't like that celebrity because the one time I met him, he wasn't nice to me.

Because who knows what he was going through that day. He might have been up late writing. He might have had a deadline. Dude, every scene is them putting things in their asshole. So maybe I was just sad because I don't get to. Yeah, something's coming out of yours. I mean, hot sauce inside your asshole? I know.

My God. And then they put a Popsicle in his asshole to cool it off, and then the guy ate the Popsicle. That's what Johnny wrote. Can I ask you? Okay, sorry. That's porn I watch every single day of people eating things. Yeah, there was a writer.

Yeah. So you know what's funny? I thought if Johnny Knoxville was born like 500 years ago, he would just be those fucking weird people that would come up with different ways to torture. Oh, yeah. I love those guys. Have you ever been in one of those torture rooms?

No. I don't remember when I went, but I saw the table where they would stretch people. The thing that... What the hell? Why is there this show all about stretching but you know they would do that to people oh yeah but just imagine that's your job they would have two horses go in opposite directions and go like go and they don't die

and then they'd rip you apart that's a fast one but um man the the one that really gets me is like the iron what's the cattle or the iron bull. The iron bull, I think it's called. They have this gigantic hollowed out iron bull. It looks like a cow. And they put a person in it naked. And then they put it underneath a flame. And it slowly like heats up and just burns.

You're just like, I mean, sorry to everyone listening. But that's how you make a good porterhouse. Man, I've thought of some really fucking uh disgusting creative ways to torture people because like the saw movie franchise i'm you know i've talked about before i i like to read about squid game i like to read about like really morbid things i don't like to see them but saw i love to read the ways in which they creatively came up with people to die. Yeah. And the worst ways.

And I've got some good ones. What's that other movie where they die? A Final Destination. Oh, yeah. That one's good, too. That's where you start looking at it. It's like, this racket's about to murder me. How would this racket fall and murder me?

I can't think of anything creative with that, honestly. But there's nothing in this room. The lights could fall on electric TV or something. Oh, oh man i thought someone was broken in my apartment today and was gonna murder me i was in the shower and i heard a like a door open like a like someone was and i thought it was maybe you and i go no he doesn't he would never come by this early there's no chance this happening so i pulled back the curtain i'm just like listening and i'm also like and i don't have the dogs with me so i'm like fuck fuck, they would be barking of someone. Then I realized I always lock my bedroom too.

So I'm like, so this asshole has to get through two doors. So I was like, I'm just going to hurry up and finish this shower. And then I just was like, I accepted that I'm going to die. There's nothing I can do right now that is going to prevent me from dying. If there is someone in my house with a knife, I'm dead. There's no me getting out and getting a towel. So I'm going to be dead and less wet if I get a towel? I'm just going to still finish my shower because chances are I'm not going to die.

But nothing right now. I have no weapons to use in here. The conditioner is only halfway through. So wait, so what happened? Do you think someone came in and just left? No, I went out. Eventually I left the apartment to go get something and I saw in the hallway,

there's like a maintenance crew. So there was some bang that happened out there. They're working on something. So it was, it must've been that. But I really, it was, it's a weird moment to go, I should just finish washing myself because there's nothing I can do. Yeah.

It's, there's really, I just looked around the bathroom and I kind of was like, what would I grab? I got nothing. Is there any part of you, I mean, that would want

My bunion. a small gun in your room just in case, like some situation like that. A little small gun just because it'd be cute. Yeah,

yeah, like the one bullet or one. Yeah. The ones that are like, what are they, like Dillinger's or something? That probably won't stop a perpetrator and if she had to aim it and stuff it's yeah guns would be too complex i mean i even

learned from you know my book columbine that um eric harris broke his own nose with his gun because he didn't know and he practiced with guns a lot and he broke his own nose from the back charge of it and uh that was one of the reasons he killed himself so early and didn't kill as many people because he was just like frustrated that he broke his nose really yeah the things you learn when you read a book about mass shootings and then a mass shooting happens and then you're like oh my god i mean i listen i literally posted yesterday guys you should read this book parkland about mass shootings because it'll teach you a lot about the like i like and then that guy that wrote that book is like he's the one that gets called in to talk

about these things every time they happen and on his instagram story is my repost yesterday of him being like thanks for celebrating my book and then getting makeup to go on tv to talk about this fucking thing i can't even believe i did not know about yesterday's thing until nine o'clock at night I don't know how I missed it I got like one alert on my phone and I don't even pay attention to alerts and usually alerts unless they say like breaking yeah and they don't really do breaking anymore because I guess too many people got I just saw my news alert did not say breaking it just said a school and blah blah and sometimes I get alerts that are like, a school is doing a new kind of book ban.

And I'm like, I don't give a fuck about that. So I see school and I don't even think anything of it. And I didn't know about till nine o'clock at night. And then all of a sudden we look at our phone and we go, my 18 fucking children. I know. I mean, when Sandy Hook happened, that was. 13 plus two.

But that was... Sandy Hook? Wasn't that? That was Columbine was 13 plus two. Sandy Hook was more. Sandy Hook was like 20. Yeah, it was more. Oh, shit. And it was young kids.

I mean, it was just... But I remember that being like almost like that was the biggest thing to happen in months and months. This just felt like, oh, yeah. And I go, wait, 18 kids? Why is this not being covered more? I just don't understand. I feel like it just didn't make as big of an impact.

The fact that I, who am on my phone all day, did not know about it. I feel like this one. Until nine? I feel like, whatever, to get your hopes up or whatever. But it was in Texas, which is the biggest gun happy state. Wait, to get my hopes up or whatever, which is on – but it was in Texas, which is the biggest gun happy state. Wait, to get my hopes up. What are you talking about? No, no, no.

To get our hopes up in regards to like any kind of reform is going to happen. Oh, nothing is going to happen. But it's in Texas. I'm done. I have no hope. I'm really one of these people. I don't care. I don't –

I get that. I'm ready to give up because it's done. Climate change climate change is we're gonna humanity is over guys count us out like no one's gonna change anything because i know but i'm just saying if i would i need i just need to sit this one out i got i i'm just tired of caring because they're not going to do anything after reading this column we can't become that numb to it because then it will never change well i'm out. Things have changed. They stopped stretching, guys. They stopped stretching, guys.

At some point you're on that stretching table and you're going, oh, I hope something happens where this isn't going to happen and you just have to accept your fate. That's how I feel. I feel like we are on. It reminds me of the Carlin thing. But remember when his daughter asked him, why do you still perform? And then he couldn't say anything. like that i like that question because why do anything then

if everything's gonna go to shit because you you know um it's just i can't this is why i don't get excited about things anymore because when they don't happen i get so sad and it makes it ruins my life to be in constant states of disappointment about – I get that. So if I stop caring what the Republicans – I know they won't do, then they can't hurt me. Like if I don't – if I have zero expectations for them because I have zero anymore. They're heartless, money-grubbing, disgusting, deplorable – like just they're – the people – i don't even know how they get away with it anymore of just these even yesterday i posted they said matthew mcconaughey hinted at gun reform

how do you hint about gun reform hinting yeah like oh what a great well and then that makes a news headline why because it's bad that he hinted or because it should be making a headline that he hinted about it? Well, he's a Texas boy. Who the fuck cares? No, I know. That's what I'm saying, though. I just, this is why I can't care.

Because it makes me so upset. Because it just doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense. But I, can I? Yes. I'm not trying to, like, judge your caring. No, my lack of caring. But when you say the world's going to end, whatever, people don't realize.

And it's like the Carlin thing when Roseanne was interviewing him. And it was like, no, you actually, you do care so much that when nothing happens, then you're like. Yeah, that's why I can't care anymore because I care too much. People want to see that you do care that much. Because when you just go, I don't care because everything's going to end, they don't realize it's because you care that much. And I'm not saying that no your public whatever persona Because yeah, so point being though is he bought the guns legally as an 18 year old. He bought 350 375 rounds what like

Who the fuck like how is there not a cutoff teenager need an assault rifle? Yeah, but I mean, I'm just saying like they have no argument. It's all because they're scared we're going to take their guns. Like, why do they get to do everything to our, why do they get to slowly cut things from women's healthcare? And we go, we know where this is going. You're going to take everything. And then you get mad at us and go, we're not going to take

everything, even though you actually do. And that is your goal, even though you say you're not going to ever overturn Roe versus Wade. And then that's ultimately what you do when you're chopping away at it slowly. And that is what you do. And then when we say all we want is more gun reform, we want to be able to have background checks on people before they get guns. We want to have longer waiting periods. We want we don't want to have assault.

We want registries that are actually digitized and not in just these old books. Nothing's in a fucking computer. That's what we want. And you say, no, we know where this is going going you're going to take away our guns why don't you believe us when we say we're not going to because you don't because you know that you don't do it yeah that's why you're you you're scared of yourselves because you know you have no backbone you know you have nefarious um goals that you are putting into place so you know it's all projection they think we're gonna do exactly

what they're doing to us which is lie yeah when really all we want is for children not to die have your fucking guns i don't give a fuck if you like guns have your hobby i don't care yes how is this it's i mean this is ad nauseum i mean who isn't feeling this way this is the thing that bothers me how could this is there's no if you look in this this parkland book i'm reading 90 it's like 90 of people even gun owners agree that there should be background checks for people before they get guns 90 the guy in the book says there's nothing politically that that country agrees on 90 wise there's literally nothing except this yet they still won't budge because there's that 10%

and the people at the NRA that convince everyone that that means they're going to take all the guns if we budge even an inch. The NRA's platform is we don't budge an inch because they'll take everything. We stay the way it is. It's like what other any other entity works that

way where there's no being like, oh, let's tweak this. That's why they're called amendments that happen because we didn't get it right the first time. You have to amend things. I looked at how much money the NRA is giving. It's not even that much. That's the – It's not even that much.

Look, is a million dollars to someone a lot of money? Is a million dollars worth fucking hundreds of kids dying? Not even close. The most – Mitt Romney gets $14 million, but mostly it's around like a million dollars worth fucking hundreds of kids dying not even close the most mit romney gets 14 million but mostly it's around like a million dollars so for a million dollars where you're already all these people are already making good money like they have money coming in from all over the place you know what i mean like it's not like oh you have zero dollars here's a million dollars for dead kids and then they're like okay oh wow a million dollars i've changed my whole life

these fuckers already have millions of dollars. So it's like. And we need to stop talking. I don't want to look at that guy's face. I don't want to see, I don't want to know the guy's name that did it. I don't want to see his face. I don't want,

just anytime you see that, turn it off, you guys. Unless it's in a book 25 years later. No, the book I'm reading does not mention the killer. Oh. Columbine did,

because that was already out. I don't even know the name of the Parkland guys. calls him the killer the entire time there's no pictures nothing that's good someone sent me something about parkland and it had the killer's face in it i'm like i don't want to see that kid give him nothing because the reason these shootings keep happening is because these kids want to be famous they they they all there's some huge like this is all in the parkland book because he breaks down why this keeps happening and people don't understand it's because we glorify these people it's because we we um put them in the news constantly constantly talking about them and these guys want to be remembered they want to go down in infamy and if we stop talking about these people they all of

these shooters they go in and they look at what they've been doing the notes that they have you know all the writing they've been doing all the notes that they have, all the writing they've been doing. Knoxville. And they always worship other school shooters. They always have a hero complex about these people that we've built up in the media. So it is the media's job to stop talking about these killers. A lot of times they survive, too, in the sense of like, oh, I could do all this and I might make it out alive. No, they're suicidal.

They want to die. Oh, yeah. This guy died. And he died the way that the Columbine kids wanted to die. But the Columbine kids did not get to go do a shootout with the cops. That is a way of glory of going out. They have it all built in their head. I read about this kid.

He had a lisp. No, I don't even want to talk about it. We're not talking about the kid. No, no, no. But the lisp. Honestly, we're not talking about it. But he has a lisp. I have a lisp.

Let's get to the news. Let's do one good news story. But I have a list. Okay. It's about me. LeBron. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first.

If I have LeBron James feet, it's either a basketball player or I'm shooting someone. Those things are terrible. Oh, my God. Come on. Do you want to say your thing that you say for the news? Yeah, apparently. Yeah? It's Wednesday, folks. You know what that means. Oh my God. Come on. Do you want to say your thing that you say for the news? Yeah, apparently.

Yeah? It's Wednesday, folks. You know what that means. It is Wednesday. Hope you're having all the swells out there. I know it's tough right now, but I don't know. It's not a joke. It's just being honest.

And you know what? It'll happen again and again and again. It's just going to keep happening. Don't, you know. This is the last one, unfortunately. Noah. Noah. again and again it's just gonna keep happening don't you know this is the last one unfortunately noah okay so uh this deuce star i was inspired by your instagram live yesterday where you you took everyone around your crib yeah i did a tour of my house and i showed everyone how dirty i am and how messy everything is just so they could feel better about themselves. It gave me an idea.

You showed them the Encino Man shower? Yeah. You ever seen an Encino Man? No. Oh, my God. What's Encino Man? I'll show you one scene. When they find the caveman. You're not spoiling anything for me, by the way.

I know, I know, I know. I don't think she's going to watch it. They find the caveman because there's a muddy track. Oh, right, right, right. It looks exactly like that. I didn't go in that shower room, but I wasn't like avoiding anything. I would have showed them that, yeah,

there's footprints of my like spray tan that I did in that. So it looks like a caveman that walked through. No, okay, so Noah, what were you inspired by? Okay, so I was just looking up, you know, articles about why people buy stuff and I found something very interesting. You can't buy your way to happiness

don't fall into the retail therapy traps so uh an estimated one to five percent of the population suffers from shopping addiction a compulsion to buy more even in the face of mounting debt as people struggle with anxiety ocd and other health issues. I'm not saying this is your thing. This is just for- No, well, you know, point taken. So here's what the marketing and shopping relies on. Shopping feels good when we're unhappy because it makes us feel like we're taking action,

psychologists have found. But if you frequently use shopping to improve your spirits, you might be vulnerable to manipulative ads and website designs. Tricks like faux flash sales, meaningless countdown timers, and designs that lead you to click more expensive options are called dark patterns.

And researchers at Princeton found thousands of examples by crawling through the code of e-commerce sites. I mean, there's so many things that get me all the time of like, yeah, 50 to 60% off already. And then you get a discount at, you get to type in a promo code. So it makes it feel like you're doing something to get that discount. But it's already so high price so it's not even a discount intention bloomingdales is having a sale right now that's like 50 off already marked down prices and it's like how do you not fall for that and then i go and i'm looking at it i'm just like this isn't like something special for me this is for everyone

this is yeah it's already so marked up this is so stupid you know what you know when i i buy clothes when i don't feel good about myself which is kind of what she's saying when i'm like exercising and feeling like i'm like oh i could look good in a regular plain t-shirt i don't need anything to make me feel like i look good that in my mind that's what happens with me it's like when i'm more confident in myself and feeling you know i don't know yeah you buy things i buy you need to dress up the fact that you're miserable yes and so that's usually what happens with my brain like i remember i was in a store i was like i don't need a new pair of jeans i'm i look good in my jeans like the ones i already have like because i feel good about my

yeah i buy things for sure to feel better like i definitely get in those streaks of like wanting to buy a lot of stuff like buying like toy like i'm obsessed with buying toys for poppy and arlo like i just because it's for me it's almost like um stuff i didn't get as a child that i really wanted or like just knowing how much it would lift my spirits as a kid like getting toys as a kid it's just it's crap it's like it was would you get that one like 50 bill too oh my god when you get cash as a kid i don't know if they even know what cash is now but yeah as a kid when my grandpa oh when i give arlo a venmo he fucking a request yeah give that money back that you lent them yeah i definitely do retail therapy

and it's really embarrassing to admit that because i'm i feel like i am a savvy consumer but you really can't outsmart your subconscious that these people know how to hack and like all the things that they convince you so take me through a step of like where are you seeing the are you seeing the ad on red like where are you seeing the are you seeing the ad on like where are you seeing these ads that get you um usually you're not on tiktok because that's a good one they really it's instagram um an ad will come up where i go no but usually it's it's things that i convince myself when i seek them out and i find them but they don't they make it me feel like i've found it yeah yeah really they

found me it's like we've been playing hide and seek this whole time yes yeah so the strategist New York Times the cut magazine the New York Times magazine has a blog called the strategist and it's about consumerism it's like just people who like to buy things and like buying the best of something which interests me because I want to buy quality things. But that's how they trick you. New York Times. Yeah. It's for smart people. Gorgeous layout.

Really savvy, chic, good taste. People with good taste. People who are doing a lot of consumer reviews. So it's always like, you know, fashion designer's favorite pair of jeans. And it's like, okay, well, I got to get these. So that a lot of times I will go to the strategist and i will like look through that or it'll be like you know lily reinhardt's 10 things she can't live without and i'm like let me just see what she can't live

without that's why i have all these new like throat cough drop things is because um there is like there is a rob thomas did like 10 things i can't live without on the strategist and one of them was these throat this throat spray that actually is awesome gq has a 10 things i can't live without videos too and i'm like yeah i look around i snoop around those yeah i was like if they can't live without them i can't live without them but you know what i guess that's better than almost like being like oh i need 30 000 red bottoms 30 000 red bottom like There could be the other way. At least you're looking for deals to get good things. Now that I have money,

I'm trying to spend a lot of money on things that will last me forever. I really would love to just not, to get to a place, I'm trying to get to a place where I don't buy things that much. So I just want to buy stuff that, yeah, jerky.

I want all my shoes to be made of beef jerky. I went to a golf place today. Freeze-dried ice cream. And, you know, I have these two putters that I don't use anymore that I can trade in, which six months ago I would have already traded in, and I would have gotten new iron. And I hit these irons, and the old me would have bought them. And I would go, like, I like, like I can somehow, you know, you just do something so much that your brain just goes, this isn't,

this is an impulse. At least you got to hit them. You don't need them. In a week, they'll just be regular irons and you're going to want different. Yeah, you can already see it. It's so hard though in the moment. It's so hard. Yeah.

Mine is always impulsive i never buy things if i have a plan to buy something it won't happen if i'm like i need to get a new i mean i've been looking for a new car for two years here's the thing you would buy it you might have a new car if if you could have just went like that yep add to cart buy because it's for me it's always compulsive and impulsive so So actually, them taking so long is the reason. It's the reason why I don't have a car. It's 100% the reason I don't have a car because I just don't feel like sitting. I would have bought that car the other day, but I just did not.

I would have a car right now if it didn't take three hours. I would have many cars. That's what I'm saying. They're saving you. You would have had your own Jay Leno garage. I would have a lot more guitars if you, if I could like, if guitars weren't so based on like,

once I get them in my hands, how they're going to feel. This all goes back to you. If you can't easily buy a gun, you probably wouldn't get a gun as much. Yeah. It's just like that fucking simple, dude. You might think about things a little bit more.

There might be more things that might intervene between you. How about should take three hours to get a gun if it takes three hours to get a car give me seven hours to get a gun you have to sit in a room for seven hours yeah and people go well then you're gonna come after my biggest point is like you can't drink until you're 21 why do you get to have a gun because you gotta look cool before you can't drink. You gotta saunter into that saloon with a revolver on your head. I want that lighter gun. That's pretty cool. Oh yeah.

That lighter gun. It's just... Seven hours. That is really funny. The wait time should be as long as car dealerships. Yes. And you have to go through the whole process. They gotta sell you. And then you gotta go through the whole process. They got to sell it. They got to be like, well.

And then you got to go through all the shitty jokes that they tell you. But no, you just go to Walmart. You go, hey, I'll take that AR-15 that could kill 300 people in three seconds. There you go. Ari has a story. Our friend Ari.

Ari Finling. Ari Finling. He worked at like... Sporting Goods. Sporting... Did you read his story? He worked at Sporting Goods story. Story.

Store. Story about a store. This guy came up to him, asked for a fucking gun. And then when he went to grab the gun, the guy like went to grab it without putting his fingerprints on it. And Ari goes, I can't sell this to a guy that doesn't want to grab it with his own hands. What?

So then he goes to his supervisor. He goes, I don't feel comfortable selling. And the supervisor felt okay. Supervisor goes, you go over to this section while I take care of this customer. Because I want to make commission on this guy. Yeah, dude. They don't give a fuck.

People just don't give a fuck. It's all about making money. Maybe the guy has... So you can spend to make yourself feel this kid. Yeah, dude. You don't give a fuck. People just don't give a fuck. It's all about making money. Maybe the guy has. So you can spend to make yourself feel better. It all comes full circle. Maybe he had a Bill Murray phobia. Let's get to Why Do I Care? What's the movie?

Why Do I Care? What about Bob? Yeah, what about Bob? All right, Noah, why do I care? Today I don't care about a lot of stuff. I've given up caring. But let's see if I care about this. Because I care.

Let's see if i care about this because i care maya henry's belongings are still at ex liam payne's house as the singer goes public with new love aliana mala okay so he had a baby right or she had a baby with him right i don't know what the one i don't know any of the one Directions. I don't think so. They're very... I mean, she's 21. I think Liam... It's the other one that Zane. Zane had a baby.

Maybe Liam did too. No, I feel like Liam had a baby with someone that's older, like nine years older. Right, right, right, right. Is this the one? Yeah, maybe. Well, anyway, her things are still at his place. So her belongings are still at his place, a pal says.

No pal. So basically, her car and stuff is at the singer's house. This is such a blow for Maya. She's making arrangements to get her belongings out of his house so she can move on and forget they were ever together um and i wanted to know have you guys ever lost something in a breakup because you just didn't want to go pick it up just my heart oh well besides that i've i've kept things you've kept yeah because it was just too much to give back and i also thought that if I gave it back,

the person would probably throw it away and I actually want this thing. And it's tough for you with returns. Callback. It's true. Maybe 18 episodes? What if your ex-boyfriend gave you a return label? That's a good idea.

That's a good business. Exes? Ex x return labels it's not a bad business yeah i like that that's hilarious but did you not want to see him face to face and give it to him no i think it was just it was like a birthday present i had given him that i thought was really cool that he didn't like and so or i just sensed he didn't like care about as much as i thought it was cool and i thought if i give this to him it'll probably remind him of me and he probably won't keep it so i'm just gonna keep it because i like it it's painting a painting yeah it's hanging in my living room and he sees it every time he comes over but it's true like i think that he just didn't like it that much and like sometimes i do this i buy gifts for people and they and i think it's great and i think they're gonna think it's great because i think it's

so great and then they don't when i got you those earrings yes those earrings you got me those turquoise with your parents that look good yeah my parents did like them um maybe you need to get your ears pierced and wear and have those that true. I could just re-pierce them. The top one that my dad said was infected with gay. Oh, God. Pretty much. No, he didn't say it was gay. You've never had any girlfriends that you've exchanged stuff with, though, besides the one that-

Oh, God, gross. Fluids is also another word. Mucus. Terrible word. I mean, who's tossing that word around? I don't think any... It's not a word you hear a lot outside of... Sickness.

Yeah. Yeah. And in health. Mucinex. That little booger guy. Oh, yeah. That's a good mascot. I like him.

It definitely makes you want to buy the product. Yes. Like, if I could get rid of... That guy. If I can inconvenience that disgruntled, overworked, alcoholic booger in my nose

that's abusive to his family, I'll get him out. I'm going to evict him. No, mucus came up because Brenna was sick again and had mucus coming out of her eyes. What? Oh, mucus eyes, Brenna. Eyes? Yeah. I don't know. Oh, no. That's an

infection. Then mucus is infected. Yeah, she's on antibiotics. Fuck. I thought she got COVID again in two in a month. No COVID. No COVID. Just old school. Old school mucus. Old school sickness. Yeah, yeah, dude. Remember those? Yeah, I mean, no. Remember a sinus infection?

Oh, yeah, I used to get them all the time. I know, but... All that time. I was like, I have chronic sinus infections. I think I had a sinus infection. I'm not kidding. For like seven months. If your snot is yellow, sinus infection.

Yeah, yes. And mine was always yellow. Mine was orange. Mine was sienna. Burnt sienna. And I'm like, Dad, so I need help. Let's get to our Wednesdaynesday wild card segment we're doing finish my sentence but it's not finished my sentence we're doing finish my uber eats order

uber eats of course is the app that you can get you know stuff delivered from restaurants but now they can um deliver pretty much anything pretty much anything not Pretty much anything. Not actually anything, but you can get anything from the Uber Eats app within reason. So Andrew and I decided to do a little experiment where we try to finish each other's

Uber Eats orders where we get things that are, you know, like you can get stuff other than stuff at restaurants. Like I always thought

Uber Eats is just restaurants, but now you can get stuff from pharmacies, like the stuff that you need around the house, grocery items that you might need. So if you check out the uber eats app you can see in your area what kind of stuff you can get and it really is like almost just about anything that you need household items grocery items that you think oh uber eats doesn't have that they actually do so check it out and you'll see what we got each other so andrew picked

out grocery items for me because last time I did his grocery order. And this time I placed his pharmacy order and got things for him from a pharmacy. He got things for me from a grocery store. And now we're going to go through each other's orders that we placed for each other, trying to get the order as correct as possible that each other would make if we were up to it on our own.

And you yourself, just like me and andrew can order with the uber eats app today all right andrew you want to go through what you got me first and yours was grocery items i'm dying to know what you got me i don't really hope you did a good job because i want i actually want things i'm going to use okay but here's the thing you're not easy to shop for, especially grocery-wise. That's not true. I couldn't be more explicit about what I like. I'm telling you, but this... I've been

on the grocery app, and there are many things on there that I liked that I didn't get for me because I wasn't able to place it because I was placing it for you last week. It was the same store. Same store. There were things on there that i go god i hope andrew gets this for me eventually okay i i got you is always just very hard for me because i feel

you don't feel seen i get it you don't feel like how can my friends ever think that i didn't need band-aids uh three weeks after i bought them yeah but your band-aids again the ones you got me were gigantic ones that you use to cover up a gunshot wound sorry ham drip but like i i need little ones yeah but you had that intruder just a few hours ago that's a good point all right well you're right okay go on i see you by the way i do we'll see let's you know who doesn't see you this grocery store all right i got you your favorite bubbly water i got you seltzer water from a place in texas that you really like okay i got you a few of those and big daddy ones okay i got you

your favorite i know you don't make coffee at home but in case you do eventually or if you want more and they're not putting enough oh that's always a good you do eventually or if you want more and they're not putting enough oh that's always a good thing that like you if you have one of those coffee makers with the pods i got you almond milk oh oh you got me almond milk to put in okay great now is it well let me what how many um how much sugar is in this almond milk five grams you can keep it go on there wasn't zero gram i'm guessing there probably was here's the thing do a quarter of it that's true no no i'll actually use that i'll use that but it's a it's a little still seen i'm seen man guacamole okay you're not a huge guac head anymore no but i will i'll get back into guac i need you know what i need a gateway

guac to get me back into it because i forget sometimes you forget how much you love a food and that's one i'm actually craving right now isn't it weird i put some guacamole on a rice cake i people think i eat rice cakes because it's like it's anorexic food i love the consistency of a rice cake i love how you know we talked about peanut butter and jelly sandwiches at the bottom of your lunch bag how they absorb the peanut butter and jelly i like that a rice cake. I love how, you know, we talked about peanut butter and jelly sandwiches at the bottom of your lunch bag, how they absorb the peanut butter and jelly. I like that a rice cake absorbs, I just love the consistency. So I will put guacamole on a rice cake immediately.

Okay? I got you your favorite protein bars. That I can't eat anymore. Oh, really? Are they ones that don't have any dairy in them? Yes. Based on the name? Yes.

Okay. Yes. Love it. And is the flavor possibly something that I'll be celebrating next week? They didn't have that one. No. Okay.

Well, still, I like all those flavors a lot. And they just, I know the bar you're talking about, they recently redid the chemistry of it, so it's a lot more supple. But these have sugar in them. Not a lot. Show me how many grams.

What, six? No. How much? Yeah, I don't think. No, they're like two grams. Oh. I think those bars have like two grams. Oh, total sugar, but total carbs.

Oh, I don't give a fuck about carbs. Oh, then here. Then, okay. Well, then maybe let's go back on this almond milk. Yeah, I'm talking about Sugar Man. Oh, five. Searching for Sugar Man. No, sometimes like the net.

It's a great documentary. About carbs. About a guy that. I think the whole carb craze is just so stupid. And I know that people are going to write to me and be like, Nikki, your comments about sugar are really triggering me today. You know what? They trigger me too.

I'm just being honest with myself. Sugar is something that I get obsessed with and I don't like a lot of it because I don't floss my teeth enough. And also carbs. I don't give a fuck about carbs. There's net sugar. So I learned about this. I don't want to talk about.

Oh, they use the fiber to subtract i learned that fibers of nets fibers and nets which is a new movie coming out from casey affleck okay is that is that what you got for me i don't feel like a casey affleck movie is there one more thing yeah there's one more thing and this is i think really seen i feel like you don't have this enough around the house. Oh, my God. Is it pepper? Is it condiment? It's a seasoning blend. Love a seasoning blend.

What kind of seasoning blend are we talking about? You don't have to give a brand name, but you can say what kind it is. I like the mixture. I don't know what's in here. Well, just tell me. Okay, you got. Oh, she's married. The woman that made this blend this blend is married she is married

but you know what she could leave at any second yeah oh yeah okay what's in it you got onion how much sodium are we talking in this thing what percentage of my daily zero really there's no it's all free it's just herbs. It's herbs. Oh, I love it. I love it. You're just changing my life, Andrew. Good job. You did good. All right.

Okay, let me get to yours. I know what you got me. You got me my anus. Okay, well, I noticed this week, earlier this week, that you had, your hair was a little bit fluffier and poofier in the front,

and you had told me that you used a gel, correct? No, a paste a paste no no okay i'm styling cream a styling cream and i thought you know what would maybe work better for him is a styling mousse so he got you a curl mousse all right then a mousse people don't wear mousse anymore do they yeah yes do. A moose is a very popular thing for curls. I love the name. And then I got you, so you told us about the tail that's coming out.

Yeah, I told you the story. Yeah, so I got you medicated wipes, hemorrhoidal wipes with witch hazel. They're maximum strength formula. They're flushable. They're cooling, soothing, gentle, soft. They're individually wrapped for convenience. And they're easy to reuse for hemorrhoidal and vaginal care. So, you know, Brenna can use them.

Reuse? No, to use. Oh, to use. I thought you said reuse. Well, yeah, don't do that. No, that sounds great. I love those. I love those.

Yeah, so that'll feel good. You can just keep those in your wallet next to condoms or whatever. I guess you don't use. Then I got you, I know you love uh oh i got you this thing i don't think i've ever heard you really try this but if you ever have sleep problems especially on the road if you're having trouble getting to sleep i got you melatonin in a very low dose the lowest dose i've ever seen how many grams and they're gummies. Oh, I love gummies. Yes.

And it's 2.5 milligrams. Your boy will eat a gummy when he's hungry. Well, this will keep you from eating them because you will fall asleep if you eat these. All right. So then I also got you... This is cool. I like putting mousse on, a little asshole gel,

and go to wait the bed. Oh, this one you're going to like. Now, this is for when you go out to the golf course or you're ever outside. It's very masculine, but it is – do you wear a SPF on your face? I need to. So, good that you do. I got you a thing that is for – it's like branded for men. It's kind of like it's um 70 plus spf damn um

it won't clog your pores resist sweat off and oxybenzone free it's water resistant for 80 minutes and it is for it's for sports and it's number one dermatologist recommended i can't believe 70 i didn't even know it goes up that high. I didn't know either. I remember putting it on like 15 as a kid. So, and then I also got you- What's SPF stand for? Do you know? Direct to skin heat wraps. These are powerful pain,

they're hot therapy to ease away the pain plus deep muscle relaxation. And I'm keeping these because I never got my heating pad. So I got myself these. That's bullshit. And it was a lot cheaper than the heating pad, by the way. This was a fraction of the, I almost bought myself the heating pad so i got myself these that's bullshit it was a lot cheaper than the heating pad by the way this was a this was a fraction of the i almost bought myself the heating pad

but it would have cut into your supplies too much so i got these for myself time out what's spf stand for it's when you get that charlie booth rose yes when you get a hair in your mouth, you go. Sun protection forever. I just want to know how they break it down. I just don't know what. Oh, you know what it is? I think it's the minutes it lasts. It says, oh, yeah. No, no, no.

Something like that. The amount. It's like if you would burn in three minutes, this will make you burn 70 times that. Like you can go 70 times three for the amount of time that you won't burn. It's sun protection factor. Okay, so isn't it like whatever the number is, it's that you can times the amount of time it would take you to get burnt. Like, you'll get burnt 70 times.

What? You know what I'm saying? Noah, what is she saying? I don't know. So it's an FV of 15. Oh, Noah's reading it and she still doesn't understand. If in one minute if you get burnt, this will make it go to 15 minutes. It'll take you to burn.

So 15 times the amount of time. Oh, got it. Yeah, so 70 minutes you could probably not get burnt. I could be wrong. But that's if you get burnt in one minute. If it takes you 15 minutes to get burnt, it's 70 times 15 minutes. Damn. Okay.

So 70 times the amount of regular protection. That makes sense. Okay. Yeah. It's got to be thick. Are you excited about any of the items I got in your Uber Eats order? I'm excited just to put that on my nose and act like an old lifeguard. Well, it's not zinc.

It's going to rub in. Do you want to try it now? Do you want me to give you a little? Yeah. Put a little on there. I'm going out in the sun. Okay. in. Do you want to try it now? Do you want me to give you a little? Yeah, put a little on there. I'm going out in the sun. Okay. There you go.

Now rub it all over your face. It is not going to clog your pores. I think Brenna will like it because it's, you know. Perfect. Yeah, and this heat wrap, I'm so excited to get this going. Hey. My period is until next week. Stay away.

Stay away. Oh, he's practicing week. Stay away. Stay away. Oh, he's practicing being a lifeguard. Stay away. 100 yards away from the pier. They're fishing. They're fishing. I know you want to boogie board. That's where the waves are, but I'm sorry.

Seriously. No, rub it all in. Get away from the pier. Andrew, rub it all in. Get away. I always wanted to be that guy. And then they get angrier and angrier. Yes. I watched last night.

I watched. So, by the way, anyone can use this Uber Eats app. So, make sure you try out getting just random grocery items, things that you need from the pharmacy. You know, any of the stuff that we just ordered, you can get right away to your door, your

front door, so much faster than making a whole trip of it. Because sometimes you just need one or two things. You don't want to make a whole grocery store trip because then you go and you end up spending so much more money than you would if you just got someone to go get it for you. You don't have to leave. Ugh. Treat yourself. Try the Uber Eats app today.

Final thought. Yeah. Last night, are you watching Love on the spectrum the usa usa the us edition no it's really really good god i love that show so much it's sweet it's everything that this um you know the other episodes were yeah um i was also watching the new ricky gervais i got special what do you think i i i didn't watch enough of it yeah but what so so i went from jackass okay i want to hear someone actually talk and not just put someone who actually wrote yeah and then i was like i don't want that either i don't know what i want and then i put on yeah are you a ricky

gervais fan i'm a fan ish of him yeah he comes off a little pompous to me but i i obviously appreciate his work yeah um what you would call it and then i put on letterman interviewing someone and i hated that i couldn't find anything that oh yeah for the this is my next guest it was cardi b and it was just like it was i'm very uncomfortable watching letterman right now i just i don't like when people come out of retirement to do things i'm just like go relax like it makes me sad because it makes me realize that like i guess i project and i think that someday i'm going to want to quit and then i'll i'll quit doing whatever i'm doing and like just finally have time to hang

out with my family and leisure time and i'm gonna want to keep working and i'm not gonna really have the same like gusto that i had before there's just something i just want letterman to just go your celebrity status right like i think i your fucking nose what's up what's up it's back to pier i just know that i'm not going to be running on any wet surfaces if you're around i'm scared to get yelled at look it's not i just want the best for what's on the beach i'm not like somebody i do not relate a lifeguard to being on the beach i relate them to being at a pool rusty was a lifeguard my ex-business partner wait what's the thing that you're gonna say about david letterman and um my celebrity status you said he interviews

like what you would consider the A of the A. Yeah, A-list. A-A-A. And that kind of annoys me. And I'm not even close to that world to think, I've had dreams of him interviewing me. Of Letterman interviewing you in your shower. In Wyoming.

Yes, yeah. Where he came to my house. Wait, that was your dream? Yeah, he came to me. Wait, that wasn't even a show yet he was only still doing his studio when you were dreaming of him coming to wyoming yeah weird dude i know why are you in wyoming i've never even heard you say that word i already retired and i was living on a pasture i already made enough money letterman's still alive when you're retired

yeah i hit it big early fantasies make no fucking sense. What's that one movie? Hangover? Okay, but go on. So I was kind of that realm. You know, what's his name? Galifianakis lives off the grid. Oh, okay. Oh, oh, oh. Not his character in the movie.

No, him now. Okay. I pictured myself as a Bill Murray-ish. I'll come back to do a movie. But it's just weird when Letterman still had his late night show that you would fantasize about him interviewing you and it wouldn't even be in his studio. It would be on your farm in Wyoming, which wasn't a thing. Letterman

wasn't doing house calls. No, not yet. Okay, so it annoys you because you think, I will never be able to be interviewed by him. That and it just comes off very elitist. Elitist. And that's the same thing with your face. Met Gala. I don't like elitism.

Letterman's supposed to be a man of the people that just is funny and doesn't take celebrity too seriously. That was his whole thing. That was his whole thing and now he's worshiping Cardi B. Yes, that's the problem. And Billie Eilish.

No offense to them. They're extraordinary talents but I just don't buy... He's a comedian. He's not an interviewer. Letterman was never someone that was getting the truth out of people. I want to see katie couric interview someone i would see meredith i want to see you know i don't even know like uh brian here's the thing when you go ed bradley but

david letterman he's supposed to do comedy there that's why that's why you're putting it into words what exactly how i feel and then i go you know what though it goes back to him going to wyoming him going to them he's losing all his power he had power when he had the show he had the desk yes you had to impress him now he's trying to impress something i feel like he has dropped a little bit of that like ego ego and so he's a little bit more like receptive to like getting to know people and being interested in them as opposed to like- He's interested in the A-listers. Yes, that's the problem. That's the problem.

It's such- It feels- But guess who isn't interested in A-listers? It brings us back to everything. I know. Everyone wants money. Everyone wants fame. That's-

Everyone- I know. But I just- I have trouble getting caught up in- I am excited though because he interviewed my friend Robin Tran. She's a transgender comedian for that Netflix is a joke festival and did an interview with Robin. And Robin is by no means an A-lister.

And I thought that's going to be cool. I can't wait to see that. And Rosebud, I think, did that. Oh, Rosebud got interviewed by Letterman? Yeah. It was like a stand-up showcase kind of thing. Oh, my God. That's going to be awesome.

For Netflix is a joke or something. Oh, right. Okay. Well, that's going be awesome oh right okay well that's gonna be so good um but i ricky gervais's special um he comes out of the gate and like i know that he would say no i would i would know that he would say like take a joke like this is why there are no funny female comics because they all oh yes but he comes out of the gate saying there are no funny women and he makes he doubles down on the joke so many times even though he says now that's funny because it's obviously i'm saying

something that isn't true there are many funny women like um eddie is it and then he goes like he goes on to keep saying women aren't funny and yes i don't i don't think ricky gervais really thinks that women aren't funny and that there aren't funny women but i do believe that him saying that makes people who are dumb. Yes, of course. Think that they're unfunny. Yes. And then that makes it harder for me to have a life. And if people are laughing,

there's a truth. Who really gives a shit if I get to be successful, but it does affect. Yeah. And there's truth inside there. They're laughing. He's saying, we know this is a joke,

but I would say 70% of audiences are like, yeah, there aren't funny women. All right, we got to go. You got zinc on your nose. This is the end of the shows and And it's been a good run. We got one more to do tomorrow.

Things won't be filled so much with sorrow, but they probably will because it's going to keep happening. Nothing's going to change. And it's not because I don't care. I do care a lot. You should watch the Carlin documentary to get the reference that Andrew made before. This rap is uninspired,

but I'm starting to perspire because it's not going well, and that's what happens when I start to bomb. I start to sweat. I start to feel wet. I start to regret starting this rap. Andrew, take it from here. It's really becoming spoken word-ish,

like Casey at the Bat. I'm just too tired. Yo, I'll break it. I'll bring it up. Come on, bring it up, man. just too tired. Yo, I'll break it. I'll bring it up. Come on, bring it up, man. Bring it up. Yo, yo, you might want to back up a little bit because I'm about to spit.

Yeah, I spit far like my fucking hemorrhoid tail. I'll fucking put zinc on because I never fail. If you're getting close to the pier, you better stay away because it ain't happening here. I'll take a crab out of the sand. I'll have it claw you nuts. I'll put it on Jackass and say Johnny Knoxville wrote it with his fucking pen. Whoa.

Yeah. Good job, man. You stepped it fucking up. All right, we got to go. We love one more show tomorrow to round out the week. Can't wait to see you then. Thank you so much for listening to the show. Try the Uber Eats app.

Don't be cut and check. Yeah. Did you write that? I did. He did. He did for me. Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there

and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it.

For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.