The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #228 Nikki “Side Stage” Glaser

Episode Date: June 2, 2022

Happy birthday Nikki! This will be the last one to celebrate, apparently. Andrew writes Nikki the perfect card to uplift her mood because she has been feeling like a "bag of old soup". Andrew noticed some things around St. Louis that aren't making sense. You Heard It Here First, Nikki is going to Europe! the Mona Lisa is kinda overrated and hold a tampon box to get through a crowd faster. They play a twist on Esther Perel's Where Should We Begin? Game. Nikki had an epiphany in therapy and tells Andrew a story about getting shushed in a rap.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. Tune in and join the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. It's the Nikki Glaser podcast. Welcome to the show. It's Wednesday.

Andrew is here. We're in St. Louis. Noah is in Arizona. Getting a little late start today. I apologize. Thank you so much for your patience, you guys. You were like up in my apartment probably 45, an hour ago. Well, I just got here. It's your birthday, so. I know you can get away with so much when it's your birthday. People really like, I think I could murder someone while I'm doing it.

Say, it's my birthday, and they'd go, oh, okay, well, it's my death day. Yeah, can I still get the gift? Yeah, I mean, at what point do you kill a guy and still ask for your gift? You know what I mean? Like, ask for the gift from the person. No, the gift is that you get to kill them. Oh, yeah, okay. Yeah, that's a gift that I don't have to deal with this person anymore in my life. No, the gift is that you get to kill them. Oh, yeah. Okay. That's a gift that I don't have to deal with this person anymore in my life.

Now, is that a gift that keeps giving because they're dead? Yes. Yes. It's like a subscription box. Yeah, it's my birthday. And I am going to skip my birthday next year. And then I'm 40 the following year. So I feel like it'll be, if I skip it next year, then it i'm 40 the following year so i feel like it'll be if i

skip it next year then it'll feel because everyone's gonna make a big deal about 40 i will have to make a big deal out of it so i feel like it'll maybe feel a little bit more deserved because it's been oh it's been two years since i had one now are you gonna skip it just like a party or like skip it all together i'm just going to like no no no one's allowed to give me presence texts are the most that can be can happen there will be no party there will be um no calls no um just no and everyone in my life will know that like if you text me i might just like thumbs up it but there's gonna be no it's just i know I sound like an ingrate, but writing back to, I woke up at 830 this morning to 19 texts, which is so nice that people took that time

out of their day to do that. But I have to write back to every single one or else I'm a bitch. And I know that's like, oh, poor Nikki. Everyone loves you. Like some people get no one remembering their birthday and I'm sure like you would kill for one of my 19 people but would you kill for 19 and then after that it's 19 people on the half hour every half hour as the news spreads throughout Facebook and Instagram and you know someone heard it on the radio this morning I was listed in the celebrity birthdays

which is nice to be like included in those little like press releases that go out but um you know it's just nice people just want to celebrate you and just be like you're you know it is tough though sometimes when you get a text and you just want to thumbs it up because you know you can't answer all of them and it's like a third cousin or something and but you gotta be like oh thank you so much, Diane. It means so much. And then they go, so how you been? And you go, I've been good. And then they go, oh, so like the show looks, oh, I just watched the show. It's great.

Wow, you're still doing comedy? And then it's like 45 messages later and you're like, is it my birth? This feels. I know my Aunt Sally keeps calling me over and over like a creditor, like a spam call, because I don't have an answering machine right now. Yeah. And she's used to like...

Is she star six seven? So she just calls over and over, waiting for this answering machine to eventually show up, and it's not going to, and I have to call? Give her a link to our answering thing for FanFax. Oh my God, that would be so funny. That's a really good solution. That's what I'm going to do. To our answering thing for FanFrax. Oh my God, that would be so funny. That's a really good solution.

That's what I should do because I feel so indulgent on my birthday and I feel like all these people are just giving me energy and that I just don't want people to go out of their way for me. I just feel so embarrassed of it. I just hate it.

I just really, I'm uncomfortable with it. And I know it just doesn't make sense really i'm uncomfortable with it and i know it just doesn't make sense because i have a tv show and a podcast with my name on it and i'm someone who loves attention but i hate birthday i really do and maybe i love it maybe i'm i hate that i love it so much or you love that you hate it like you love this feeling of being upset no i because i'm embarrassed to even talk about hating it because i sound like such a bitch to hate it like that is i really hate hating my birthday i wish i loved my birthday that is something because no one really everyone wants me to love my birthday everyone's like no one is being you know it's weird like i'm comfortable with you hating it i don't know why

maybe because yeah i don't want you to be happy no No, no, no. No, but it's so funny. I'm so completely comfortable with you having a subpar birthday. Yeah, I just don't. Like shopping for you today? I feel like this is the way that Ali Wong was talking about her wedding once. And she was like, I don't need to have a wedding. Every day is my wedding. I'm a comedian.

I go on stage and everyone claps when I walk out. She's divorced now. Makes sense. Yeah. wedding every day is my wedding i'm a comedian i go on stage and everyone claps when i walk out like i don't need divorce now makes sense yeah well it doesn't i just don't need this attention i love birthday so much as a kid that i made every day you have a birthday every day yes that's why that's why this feels it's embarrassed there was just just Nikki Glaser Day at fucking the Cardinals Stadium. That was beyond humiliating to me because it was something that it looked like I asked for. Yeah, it was like a make a wish when like, but unfortunately you didn't get to die. And I can't, but it's, but what an ingrate I am to be like, I don't want this. This is embarrassing because people worked really hard to make that happen. And people work really hard on their birthday gifts people go out and they they they

buy a card they get a gift they write you a long text message they call they remember to call you and it makes them feel good so who am i to rob them of that well it's funny to go i don't buy to get you a gift because i know all these things about your brain and how you feel about your birthday so i'm like i don't want to do anything starbucks gift card always i literally that's what i got thank you that's $50 thank you andrew that's the best gift ever i know you and the card and i will spend it on you this is a gift that keeps giving thank you that literally is the best gift my name's on it it's easy to buy yeah it is it doesn't have a lot of waste attached to it.

It doesn't take up a lot of space. There's not a lot of trash. I think you'll like my card. I think I nailed it. It says Nikki Side Stage Glazer. Did you know that I wanted... I was thinking about yesterday about our podcast and I was like, that would be so funny

if my new nickname was Side Stage. I'm not even joking you. I thought that yesterday. Well, there you go. How did you do that? I don't know. My brain. I'm telling you, we're on good wavelength right now.

I was at Crosswalk crossing Kings Highway, and I literally was like, that was so funny that what if, because it is funny to brag that you were Side Stage anywhere, and it's just the alliteration. Yeah, SS. Side Stage. So please, can that be my new name. A lot of your relatives were SSs, you know? Oh, God.

Is that a Nazi? It's a Nazi joke. I mean, well, it's not true. I like this guy. Okay, there's a narwhal, and it says happy birthday, and it's almost like his, so the narwhal's tusk is a flagpole, and he's coming out of the water,

and on the end of his tusk, there is a little streamer that says happy birthday, almost like an airplane pulling. That's a very cute card. I love walls, whales. To Nikki from Mice, which is Andrew's nickname, and $50 Starbucks. I mean, it's the best ever. Can I read this?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you start on. Nikki, to quote Wilco, just climb aboard the tracks of a train's arm makes you think that's from she's a jar that side wasn't the right side to write on okay so he I fucked up so in this card there is a like

almost like gelatinous like um substance on one side that is to look like waves and it's really hard to write on so he picked the wrong side so as soon as it really hard to write on. So he picked the wrong side. So as soon as it got hard to write on, he said that side wasn't the right side to write on. The ink wasn't showing well. Not the best start to a card when you have to shift pages.

Probably should have started on this side. Had a thought to drive back to CVS to buy a new card and do better the second time around. I realized I haven't written with a pen in a while. Not looking good. You are an amazing friend. Thanks for being a person I admire and learn from daily. Love, Andrew slash mice. Oh, that's so nice.

And I love the talking through your process for most of the card. Like I see this much print and I go, oh my God, this is going to be a lot of feelings. I can't handle this. I like that you kept the feelings to about a fourth of the page, which is all the feelings I need. I know. I can't take more than that.

I know you will. I know you will. Thank you so much. This is such a perfect gift. You know what's so funny too is- Thank you, Andrew. You're welcome. And I have one other thing coming tomorrow,

but it's just like a whole band and like a carnival and a parade. But it's just simple. I'm going to be the saddest old woman when all my friends die and I have no one and I'm going to be the saddest old woman when all my friends die and I have no one. And I'm going to be thinking back on these days of like, remember when I complained about 19 texts before 834 in the morning? Well, it's so funny. I got you a card.

And it was like, it's never too old. And then you open it and it's like a 3D one. The ones that pop out. It's this old woman shaking her ass and it shakes. Oh, that's fun. It's like to shake your ass. And I was going to get you that, but then I was like, No.

It's not you. I like getting like those jokey cards that are like supposed to be funny, but ironically because they're so dumb, they're not funny. But yeah, you made the right choice. I loved the fact that you had to give up on one side of the page. That was perfect. I kept the fact that you had to give up on one side of the page. That was perfect. I kept trying to rewrite over it. You ever like has a pen run out and then you realize it's not the pen.

It's not the pen. It's the waves. It's the Norwell's environment leaking over into the center of the card. I was going to, but it took me another hour and a half. Anyhow, you're going to have like, you don't have to, I don't have to cheer you up, but I think tonight will be fun. It will be fun. You're doing karaoke.

Yes. You'll get to sing out your feelings if anything. Yeah, that's true for a group of people who- Cheryl Crow's feet over there. I just, like, feel Cheryl Crow's feet. That's a good nickname, too. Side stage. SS.

No, SC. SC. So close. No, SC. SC. So close. One letter off. Fuck. Oh, my God. But no, you're going to sing. We're going to have fun.

Even if it sucks, it'll be fun. No, it'll be so fun. Shitty karaoke is still fun. I'm having a bad day today, to be honest with everyone. I told Andrew and Noah about it already but I just like already have had just an emotional day and just just you know feeling um PMS-y I already said yesterday I was like having all the body aches and then like I I do know PMS is not an excuse I think a lot of women like maybe feel bad using it as an excuse but it really is

a thing you go through that makes you just emotionally irrational and weakened and my old therapist my um dr abusive uh my abusive dr my abusive therapist um she used to say that pms just is when i would be like, I'm just PMSing. She'd be like, no, I mean, these are real feelings. They're just, they have, you have no defenses for them. They're just coming out the, the walls, the moat around the wall around your fortress is, is, is penetrable right now. And so like you, the feelings that you're having are real and they might seem like,

cause for me, I just bottle up all my feelings all the time. And then I end up crying over the dumb – like the smallest thing that seems like insane. And then people look at each other like, what the fuck is happening? This girl is crazy. Like I just can't get over the feeling of like every time I cry, I just feel so crazy. I feel so insane. And I feel like everyone around me is just, like, doesn't know what to do, wants to run for the fire exits. They have to stay because I'm crying.

Like, it just is so embarrassing. Do you think, as a woman, that, like, when you have PMS, it almost gives nothing i don't like the word excuse but it like allows you to let your guard down or is it so like just wired in your brain that that's when it happens i usually don't know you know what i mean though like like is it no because you don't really know you're having it until later on and then you go oh that's what that was i know that i'm having it right now and it's not like giving me an excuse i mean maybe subconsciously a little bit it's like okay i i know i have this thing in my back pocket and it's a it's a tampon but the tampon's there because i might start

bleeding any second but i have this thing that you know when i told my boyfriend i'm pmsing like he he was like today he was like I never even consider that being a thing like I just thought that was the thing that's in like Kathy cartoons or like sitcoms like yeah I I just always thought that was a thing that you know television amped up or like sitcoms made like as a thing like I never consider if you're acting a certain way that it oh she might be on her period like he's just always thought that was a misogynist kind of approach to it. And I was like, I would have agreed with you

because I did not suffer from PMS like this in my early 30s even. And even my mid 30s, like I'm 38 today and it's like periods are getting more and more treacherous for me. I wonder why. I think it's because it's like, this is the last.

Oh, you better get coming. This is the last of the Mohicans. Like it's, it's now or never. I will find you. Yeah. Like it's just, I think,

and I, when I went to go to, um, I think I told this on the podcast when I went to go check out diva cups, you know, and they, and I had no idea why the sizes were different, why there was a one or two,

like what's the difference between these two? And one was bigger. And the one that was why the sizes were different, why there was a one or a two. Like, what's the difference between these two? And one was bigger, and the one that was bigger was for women who are over 30. And I'm like- You have more attitude? Yeah, just to hold all your feelings and some tissues if you want to keep an extra supply up in your puss because you're going to be crying so much.

But I didn't know that women's periods get heavier after 30. I didn't fucking know that. When was that in sex ed? I didn't know that PMDD was a thing where you literally want to kill yourself. Like you have suicidal thoughts and you're seriously. Oh, that's where PM Dawn got the name. Is that a? You don't remember that band?

No. They had one really big hit in the 90s. I'm going to play it because I think you know the song but anyways go ahead pmpd makes you what does that stand for uh post menstrual depression premenstrual uh uh it's not depressive you think it's gonna be depressive but it's something else um disastrous uh uh uh dick tease. So it's- Diaphragm? It just feels like, yeah. It feels like the worst depression I've ever had every month.

Yeah. Like where I'm at my weakest. Do you cramp? Sometimes. I haven't this time. I think those are going to start in a couple days because my period is still eight days away. I mean, this stuff is starting- Oh away so you don't even have evidence for this no

you can't even show your boyfriend a bloody table well I can show him my flow app which is definitely tracking this shit and I'm starting to track every single day I put in notes like I had suicidal thoughts today or my boobs feel heavy or my body feels like a bag of old soup like that is seriously

how I feel. I just feel soupy. I just feel like, you know, yeah. A bag of old soup is such a funny way to- I just feel like I'm really just like- It has too much air in it too. It's not like packed tight and it's just like- I feel like as a guy too,

I feel like Brenna has really- Ghostbusters ghost. Really bad periods periods too i guess she's like horrible cramps and i try to like judge it almost on a curve like i don't i'm like okay this is who you are this week you're going through it it doesn't include me that's my that's what i as a as a guy and i'm sure chris might deal with it too, is when a woman is, you're dealing with your own shit. And sure, it's going to come over into my shit a little bit, but I got to understand this isn't my shit.

You know what I mean? Yeah. I don't know. That's hard, though, I think, sometimes as a guy. Even when a girl tells you that they're on their period. Because you guys want to fix it, And you want to make it better. And you are the person. There's a new Wilco song off Cruel Country.

And it's called, I'm tired of taking it out on you. And it's like, he's just tired of taking it out on the person who's the most proximity to him. But that is why we're in relationships. Is to have someone there when we are at that vulnerable not to take it out on them but like i i like i was saying today you know um when i was feeling so sad yesterday and i was like and chris has covid right now so he couldn't be around me and i just i just had no one to like comfort me and that that's what, that's why we are in relationships because when our parents get old and they die,

we need to, we need someone else to hold us and to comfort us. Like we're little babies. Like that's why I need a relationship. Like it isn't about you, but it is, it is because you just,

but you have to learn how to not take it out and to actually like lean on that person for support as opposed opposed to make them feel like they're the cause of it. Let's take a quick break and dissect this even more when we get back on my birthday. Andrew! Heavy flow coming down like a soupy soup. And it's coming like chowder. But get back and have some clams. No. No.

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go to real deal on fentanyl.com this message is brought to you by the ad council dude there's a i don't know if you ever have you ever been to oyster welcome back oyster it's a bar oyster something broadway yeah broadway oyster bar great bar really by the way what do you want a bar for well i started i'm drinking a little bit again so like you go and you just what do you do live music oh like amazing live yeah yeah yeah great new orleans food it just it's a very cool feel yeah and but there's a there's when you walk there there's a bar it's called jazz blues and soup no I just love that. It's just like the coolest things ever and soup. Jazz, blues, soup.

I was dying. I was like, has anyone had the soup here? I was like, my tomato soup left me. Oh, I'm all alone. I'm all chattering down. That is so. Just something so. I mean, they must have really great soup to put that on the design.

Or really bad music. Yeah. To think that it deserves a spot. They were like, we need one more thing. It doesn't make sense just to call it jazz and blues. Well, yeah, it could. What else could go up there that would have been better? Well, nothing better than soup.

And then I just hear a microwave go off like, beep, beep, beep. And they're like, what did you just make? And he's like, soup. And he goes, I mean, that's not bad. That's not bad. Hey, look. They're just putting together this bar.

There was some woman named Massey. Did you ever hear of her? No. She was like a big time blues singer. That was like Aretha Franklin of St. Louis. Where is this? I don't even know where this place is. You walked there?

Yeah, it's right. It's kind of by the stadium. I went to the Cardinals game? Yeah, it's right. It's kind of by the stadium. I went to the Cardinals game. Oh, that's right. That's right. That's right. But yeah, I don't know. How was that?

Someone knew one of the lead singers. The Cardinals game? Yeah. It was like fucking 200 degrees. Yeah. It's a hot day. St. Louis might have the whitest people I've ever seen. Right?

It's a problem. It's not even white. It's like a whole nother kind of white. It's like a whole other kind of white. It's a white that I've never seen. I'm from Florida. What does that mean to you? What are you saying by that? Just ugly.

No, no. Inbred? There's just like an off. It's a weird. It's definitely not the superior race when you look at them. When you look at them all together like that. When they're burning in the sun and you realize they got to leave by the third inning or they'll have skin cancer and die the same day.

Right. Like, I don't know. It's just a different kind of white that I'm used to. So you're talking about the color of their skin, really? Oh, they're so – I mean, they're translucent. But when you're saying St. Louis is white, that's what you're talking about, is literally physically white? Oh, physically white. Oh, not're so, I mean, they're translucent. But when you're saying St. Louis is white, that's what you're talking about, is literally physically white? Oh, physically white.

Oh, not like white, like this feels a little racist white? Because that's what St. Louis feels to me, no offense to my town that I know and love, but we have a race problem. Yeah, I mean, look, I would say 98% of the audience at the game was white. I don't know if that has anything to do with racism. I mean do you count the people selling things in the audience i'm just kidding actually they're not even there anymore what what do you mean that's guess covid i don't know they don't have like peanuts or hot dog guys what really what section were you in uh they definitely have people i'm telling you they didn't have that I swear they got get your hot dog

hot dog water just drink the water out of the hot dogs I think this town I deal with feelings of anger towards this town of how I grew up in an environment where you just it's very segregated

and that there seems to be this denial of it too I grew up in an environment where you just, it's very segregated. Yeah. I just, and that there seems to be this denial of it too, of like, no, we're so multicultural. And we, I literally heard someone at a party say,

St. Louis isn't racist. I was at, I was at dinner the other night and a lovely, you know, table of black people sat next to us. It was fine. It was fine. That's the racism. Wait, wait, what do you mean it was fine why wouldn't it be fine is that your story and we

we were fine with it wait i'm sorry what is this the end of the story that was the end of the story and this was obviously an older person telling me the story and um but it was you know it was someone that i would say was of a sound mind that i wouldn't have ever thought and this person would never think they're racist because of that statement of like i see black people all the time and i don't want to burn crosses in their yard that doesn't mean you're not yeah you idiot but that's the problem st louis has a problem with admitting that they might have racist tendons i have i have stereo there's people i have preconceived notions about literally anyone who isn't me whether you're white whether you're man like any we all do and they're wrong they're not our fault they're societal they you know but not acknowledging

them is not the way to handle them yeah or get defensive you don't have to get defensive you don't have to go i you don't have to be guilty constantly yeah and and feel like you like you know there's a lot of people that say oh i was just getting my hair done the other day and my hairstylist said that someone of her clients is pulling her kids out of a school district like a fairly conservative white very expensive school to go to she's pulling her kids out because they are teaching them about slavery too much and mike so my kids have to pay the price and be and they are there they they have to feel guilty constantly for something they didn't even do. And it's like, wait, where did... I understand that there are some

black people that would probably want us to feel constant guilt. And that is a thing that some people, maybe even white people, expect you to do that. But I don't think learning about something is there to make you feel guilty for it, even if it was your ancestors who did it.

That might be a feeling that lingers, but no one's teaching it to you to feel guilty not to mention it is the history it's it's just but you know what facts don't we don't care about facts anymore it's like it there's no point of school anymore i really feel that i just love someone taking them out of private school and be like i'm gonna homeschool them myself i'll teach him what i want and it's like what are they gonna learn how to fucking drive a volvo you dumb bitch no because um we're gonna have some they have self-driving cars oh my bad my bad you learn how to turn it on and say go to target i mean it's wild what was in our history books of how they just glanced over hundreds of years of oppression didn't make us not feel but i remember learning about slavery and about the civil rights movement i remember it was third grade and like hearing really hard stuff and like learning like oh fuck and and feeling bad

like having guilt about it and being like oh my god i would if i were a black person i would be so fucking mad yeah at us yeah about anyone who was white i would really like i had that like i projected that resentment on but it was essential for me to look to learn that like can you imagine not learning about slavery or but there's so much stuff we're missing. I don't know anything about, I didn't know anything about the killing fields in Cambodia. You read about that shit and it is so fucking horrifying. Even more recent,

there's so many atrocities I haven't learned about. Plenty of bad stuff. I'm a Jew. I learned plenty of bad stuff Germans did. I went to Germany. I had a little bit of a preconce I'm a Jew. I learned plenty of bad stuff Germans did. I went to Germany. I had a little bit of a preconceived notion of like, German, you connect Nazi to German because you heard that your whole life.

Not only did I hear that in my history books, I heard that in every single movie I've seen. I literally feel a tinge of guilt when I have to tell people like, oh, my family's German-Irish. Like, I wish I could skip the German part because of that. But as a Jew, I'm just saying like, I don't feel, oh yeah, okay. So so then in that point you would be the oppressor you would be the white person in the in the in the slave scenario yeah of the black but like i don't

yeah i don't know i guess yeah i guess i guess in that standpoint i'm i'm the minority the minority in that instance but like like, yeah, I don't know. I guess I was going to put this where like, I don't see Germans though as like these horrible. But you might have a little bit of like, your ancestors are pieces of shit that did this thing. But like also, okay, fine. Then deal with those feelings.

But the answer isn't not talking about things that happen. I just hate not talking about things that have happened. I think that's like my overriding thing is like not being honest or being in denial of anything. It's like it really bugs me. And just because you want to avoid guilt or you want to avoid feelings, which is all I want to do is avoid fucking feelings.

So I don't know if I want to avoid it or I don't want to and why it annoys me but the cardinals the cardinals won uh but you left like early right no i stayed the whole game i thought you said you left at the fourth inning no no no everyone else did that was so we were sitting underneath you had the awning oh report or whatever it great. I was like, no sun at all. Just had a- I love baseball games. It was a great game. I love people watching.

That's my favorite part about baseball games. There were some- I barely even watched the game. Yeah, I mean- I don't think I watched it at all, actually. It was fun. I went with Brennan and her two friends that live here. And one of them them it was funny we're making

fun of the guy that keeps he still like has one of those scorecards and he writes it with a pencil like yeah like no one else is gonna get it like he's like you can't find this information online immediately so he said that his grandfather granted this is probably before you talk to him who you talked to the scorecard guy no no no i talked to the other guy that we were sorry so you're kind of a couple of friends yeah brenda's friend they're the guy in a couple uh his grandfather would do that and he would market how he saw the game and then how he would tell the game is he'd go yeah there wasn't that wasn't a hit that was an error and everyone's like no you know the people upstairs said it was a hit and he's like not by my scorecard you know like

these guys do you carry on any things that like even though it's already digitized and there's no need for you to do it do you like do it i can't think of anything like that i can't even i mean i think guess with birthday cards sometimes i will just like it felt good to write or yeah i haven't written in a while it felt better than sending you a text or like writing a list or writing in a journal long form instead of writing in your notes or um i don't know writing a set list i'm trying to think of like things or i mean you used to go to stores instead of buying on amazon well yeah yeah. You were the biggest holdout for online shopping of anyone I know. I wish I kept holding out. I probably would have saved $10,000.

Oh, at least. Yeah. It's obscene how much money I spend on bullshit. I had no idea how easy Amazon was. I also lived in a building that I was worried the shit was going to get stolen. I didn't have a doorman. Right. So that changed everything.

Yes. Once I got a doorman but uh yeah i don't know i i sometimes i'll hold a newspaper i like holding paper and i forget how good that feels i like chewing paper i like using it to wipe my ass you can't chew your phone oh dude i've probably so many things that weren't chewable. You know a lot of comics, though? Here's a thing I learned. A lot of comics, right lefty, throw righty. That's a thing I've seen way more than in the real world. Like a lot. Well, lefties are more creative, I think.

And then righty is more this kind of brain. So I think that combination, creative and straight brain. Analytical. Analytical. Are you right-handed noah yeah i'm right-handed me too yeah the other thing with comics they chew on pen caps or have chewing granted maybe a lot of them don't get i mean they also all you know are alcoholics too it's like these are all things you do to cope with anxiety too besides the left-handed thing but like chewing pen caps or like ripping labels off of beer and like you always go oh you're sexually anxious but it's like no you're just anxious dude i ripped i never had a fucking beer every single beer i ever drank was empty are you still doing that i mean i guess you're

having drinks now i had white claw for the first time oh yeah well let's talk about that um a little bit later because we have to get to the news but i'm dying to hear your white claw take you said it would have killed you i'm dead let's get to the news you heard it here first you heard it here first uh it's wednesday folks you know what that means it is wednesday it's also nikki glazer's birthday if you haven't yet send her a text no don't you stay. I just got two more texts. Apparently she loves them. I hope you're having all the swells out there. And yeah.

Oh, if you want to come, come to Westport Social to sing a couple tunes. This won't be out by then. No, but I'm just promoting for Social. Just the company as a whole. I mean for earlier tonight, whenever this comes out. Back to you, Noah. I just want to say that I try to condense your birthday text by texting you in our group chat with the girls

you did a great job of that i haven't even gotten to that whole did i write even back to it i don't think i have yet i'm sorry babe that person said because you did it in a group text for some reason group text gives me less pressure because i'm like other people are taking care of what's going on in there so and so i don't even i looked at it as more like less of a birthday text i just looked at it as like a block of text that i can get to later because other people in the group text will take care of it i didn't really even know it was a birthday text so i appreciate that yes so you could just write thanks once and not have to respond oh you're the best all the girls okay no or no and any have to respond. Oh, you're the best. All the girls. Okay.

Noah and Anya also wrote me and was like, you don't have to reply to this, but you mean so much to me. Like all my friends are giving me the caveat of like, don't even do anything back to this. It's very nice. Okay. So I don't know if you've seen this trending, but hashtag Sweden gate is trending after posts to ask Reddit answering the question,

what's the weirdest thing you had to do at someone else's house because of their culture slash religion go viral because they say that Swedish families did not invite their children's guests to eat family meals as a custom. Swedish families did not invite their children's friends to eat family meals as a custom so you would never eat a dinner or a meal over at your friend's house yeah okay so here's like one of the quick anecdotes um so while we were so I remember going to my friend's house and while we were playing in his room his mom yelled that dinner was ready. And check this. He told me to wait in his room while they ate. That shit was fucking wild. Whoa.

So apparently that custom is outdated, but it was true. And the thought behind it was the other children or other family may have plans with another, might have another kind of dinner in the plans, and you wouldn't want to ruin the routine or preparations. So it's about other people so it's about that my son's friends family i don't want to impose on what they might have planned by giving their son my family's feel right but twitter and you know the internet like exploded how like it's just rude they don't want to feed the children they're this and that but no the swedish are good people they're okay and you're gonna be in sweden oh i am i'm going to am i going to stockholm i don't remember but you're gonna be in europe i'm going to stockholm in october

uh the real life ikea no i've never been i've only in europe i've only been to Madrid Paris a little bit of oh god don't say it like that Valencia and the south of France and those are the only places I've been so I'm very excited to go to Berlin Munich London Oslo

that's right where else are we there's so many places we're going I had a little song memorized to memorize all of them in the order that they were going but I can't remember it now but yeah I'm so freaking

excited Amsterdam that's where I'm ending the tour and that's where I'm going to stay for a few days I think and go to the

Anne Frank house and stuff like that and like the red light district see the Van Gogh museum oh yeah did you hear someone caked the Mona Lisa

yes yeah that was funny because I looked into it and go wait what the fuck is this real and just see. See the Van Gogh Museum. Oh, yeah. Did you hear someone caked the Mona Lisa? Yes. Yeah, that was funny because I looked into it and go, wait, what the fuck is this real? And there's a big, they didn't really get it. There's something about,

why is it that I wanted them to get it? Because I'm kind of like over-worshipping this little fucking painting. Have you seen it? It's so small. You've seen it.

And I want her, she deserves a cake in the face, that little smug bitch. She needs makeup anyways. You ever heard that Lonely Island song? What, Mona Lisa? About Mona Lisa. They're like...

Oh, how overrated it is? Yeah. Mona Lisa, you're an overrated piece of shit with that terrible smile and those dead shark eyes and a smirk like you're hiding a dick. Mona Lisa, the original basic bitch.

Traveled thousands of miles to see your stupid smile. Talk about a bait and switch. You're ugly. And it's just like, I mean, he's playing a pop star. But why was it such a big deal? Was that Leonardo da Vinci? Well, what's really interesting about it when i did sorry when i broke it when i was looking another day about the cake incident it's very interesting

because there was this diagram of all the expressions on micro expressions on her face so there's there's contempt there's happiness there's anger like the nuances of her face which is why that painting pisses me off so much is because you can't tell how she feels. And that is interesting to me. She also follows you around the room with her eyes. You know that? Oh my God.

Like if you're on one side, she'll... Oh yeah, but so many... That's kind of wild. Do you know that if you look down the barrel of a lens, any photograph

where the person is looking into the lens, it will follow you around the room. That's the only thing that requires that kind of trick happening. Noah, what were you going to say about it?

I'm tempted about that. I just looked up why is the Mona Lisa so famous and it's basically the style of realism by Leonardo da Vinci influenced a bunch of other painters and stuff. I think it just created that style.

That was the bottom of realism yes okay people were like if that's if that's that's a good if that's good i guess i could do better than that fucking ugly little bitch okay but hold on i just have to say one one more lyric about if you've never heard the mona lisa song it's my favorite lonely iron song they go mona lisa well okay then they go they just talk about all these world phenomenon that are like really hyped up and then you get there and it's shit so he's like i'm headed to paris at a quarter to noon so excited to see her i went straight to the louvre which is the museum i heard she's exquisite so a ticket. Pushed my way to the front of the crowd and I couldn't believe what I saw.

Ah, ah, Mona Lisa, you're an overrated piece of shit. And it goes, can someone explain? While the whole wide world is obsessed with a garbage pail kid, looks like a garbage pail kid. And Da Vinci must have sucked an art historian's dick to get this girl who looks like uncooked bread at the top of the all-time list of paintings. And then it says, Mona Lisa.

And then the bridge breakdown is like, Mona Lisa, I got to know where the fuck are your eyebrows? I really want to know. You could land a helicopter on that big potato forehead. Get this chick some Rogaine. You're a bloated corpse, girl. If you guys have never seen Popstar, the Lonely Island movie,

it is the funniest goddamn movie. And that song is in the movie, but they only do one verse of it. And the whole album is so funny. But Mona Lisa is my favorite song of theirs. And just saying, at the very end, it says, her Mona Lisa is my favorite song of theirs. And just saying at the very end, it says her hair part is wider than a country road. It's like, he goes,

I am an American man. This is my native land where no one lies about paintings, but that's not the case in France where the naked ladies dance. And they look like Dennis France. If if you know what dennis france looks like it looks exactly like mona lisa he goes you're so mangy mona hair part wider than a country rhoda unless you count cats she's gonna die alone the mona lisa sucks sorry i'm already doing karaoke you know know, for sure, they studied abroad, and they all had that moment of like,

this thing is so overrated. It's so small. It's smaller than this. Yeah, it's the Willie Nelson next to your head. And when the person threw cake at it, I went and read about all the vandalism. Someone stole it early on. It was stolen for a

while and they found it then in 19 or in 2009 a woman threw a cup at it because she was um i think she was romanian and she wasn't getting french um citizenship so she was pissed so she brought a cup that she had in her fucking bag and she threw a cup at it but it broke against the screen that was protecting it and then this time this guy poses an old woman like in a wheelchair because you get to get closer to it if you're in a wheelchair and then through a cake but wouldn't you also research if you knew that you can get close enough that you could be in a wheelchair and get close enough to throw a cake wouldn't you also real research if it has a plastic thing in front of it yeah i mean i think he just he got I don't know if he, I guess he wanted to ruin it, but he got close enough to hit it.

It's so French to do a caking instead of a pie. Oh, yeah. Or a crepe or something. Yeah. A creper, crepering. I remember I went to Paris for two weeks. I lived there. I love Paris.

What did I even do? I got a good, I just remember getting a haircut and they massaged my head for an hour. I thought you were going to talk about something else. I got a good hair. No, not a good head. Just a good haircut. Hand job. Okay, do we have time for another news story?

Sure. That will inspire me to sing an entire song. Maybe. Boom, boom, boom. A raspberry-flavored, uterus-shaped cereal called Period Crunch aims to encourage conversations about periods at the breakfast table.

No. This is just trying to make headlines. Right? You're right. This is just an attention-giver. Is it like another cereal that's throwing it in? No, no. Like a Froot Loops?

It's a PR. It's a PR stunk by a Swedish company called Intimina. They're like, we really don't want your kids having breakfast at our house. Yeah, we don't serve anything here except for period blood. Don't invite your child over for our family dinner. But, okay. The company surveyed more than 2,000 people and found that 48% of girls and women are too embarrassed to talk about their periods.

It is a problem. Women do not. We have such shame about our periods because we start bleeding at this very young age. A lot of us more young every day because of the hormones and different foods. And girls are getting their period at like eight, seven and eight now. And it's embarrassing. And moms don't know how to talk to their kids about it Because it's just like It's sexualizing your child in a way

And men don't even fucking know How much blood comes out of you I didn't even know I had no idea how much blood came out of me Because I'm always putting tampons up there That collect it all and then I pull it out And it just looks like a little tampon worth of blood I didn't know that it's buckets and buckets

Every month It's so much And we have to keep it secret looks like oh a little tampon worth of blood i didn't know that it's buckets and buckets every month it's so much and and we have to keep it secret you know like we are the ones that are like it's not just men or misogyny it's like the women also are and it is based on like the shame that we feel but we just don't we don't talk about the stuff at all because it is it is gross blood is gross people have an aversion to it yeah it's not ladylike like your whole so many people are like your cotillion right cotillion yeah like that whole thing like what are you gonna fucking put the right side of the fork on the right side of the plate and then go also my pussy's bleeding yeah like it's just not ladylike to talk about for some reason they're taught that at a young age we still like if you go

to the bathroom with a tampon, you like sneak it up your sleeve and you kind of walk. Like a drug deal? I walk confidently. There was, I went to, yeah, I went to the airport.

We were at the airport on a layover somewhere. And I remember I learned a way to get through a crowded airport and have the, just the C part for you is to, cause I got it back. Some tampons. And I didn't want to get a bag cause airport and have the work just the c part for you is to because i got it back some tampons and i didn't want to get a bag because i hate plastic bags so i'm carrying the box of tampons and i didn't realize i was carrying it right in front of my phone and like with my phone so it almost looked like i was holding my phone like the tampons up it was like i was fucking moses parting like there were people they just wanted to get away from me because this

weird girl's holding up this box of shameful tampons so i always walk confidently with tampons and and make sure to like have them spilling out of my bag i don't care because they should uh even when they're you know you know those airport carts that make that annoying sound they could just throw tampons on the front that's so true. Just get rid of the sound. I've almost been run over by those before. Yeah, those things go way too, they're way too big and way too fast.

I'm fucking, I'm sick of those things. And people that ride them don't need to be on them. No, a lot of people do, but some people are lazy. I'm sick of this bullshit. When I went to Thailand. There's a lot of fake limps going around. When I went to Thailand, if people want a fake limp

and that is like that they need to do that to get through life, let them have it. No. That is so fucking sad that that's what they need to get attention or whatever. Just have a birthday, okay?

Get famous and have a birthday. No, when I went to Thailand, I asked the front desk for tampons. This is in 2000, when I turned 29. It was nine years ago. Exactly on this day in in Thailand went to this amazing resort and I go up to the front desk and I was like do you have tampons and the girl

spoke good English and was like I don't even know what that is very confused and I literally went like this I was like I did the finger I did a hole and I did a finger going up and I was like I'm on my period the thing you put up and and she was just like no and i was just like i felt really embarrassed that i had asked and i was like okay and i had never used pads before i was never a pad girl i went right to tampons right away was never even an option hates gophers thailand hates pads oh what do they don't or they hate tampons they don't believe and i think this is many cultures let's talk about you know traditions and and thingsons. They don't believe, and I think this is many cultures. Let's talk about traditions and things like that. Oh, free bleed?

They don't think it's okay to hold it inside. It's something that you need to get rid of. And that if you're holding it inside you, you're keeping this like, it's almost like you're constipated with the thing that you need to shed and that it needs to be shed. And I remember being like, that's so backwards. And there's so much shame around having it inside you but there's something really beautiful about being like I'm bleeding and it's just coming on out and there are times where I go through a whole period and I'm sorry about

period talk for the men who listen to the show and just don't need this or girls that are just like I don't need this Nikki but there's times where let it go one month just use pads just see what happens and even pads really hide a lot of the blood. Like it'll make it into this weird gel substance that's like, I only did a thimble. But it's good to bleed. It's good to feel. It's good to like see it and realize that you're like a being that is going through this weird process that is very brutal. And that women are really strong to have to go through it and to like see it and to

not hide it to not keep it inside and pull it out like a dead mouse and then you know throw it in the little bin and then the blood gets on like the little bin door and then wipe that door off i know it's a public restroom and someone's gonna do it for you but you wipe that door off no one wants to see your little uh free bleed all over the bathroom but yeah yeah for sure smack your pad up on the wall. I want to look at it. I used to have one of the most disgusting jokes I ever had was, I remember telling it at the Funny Bone,

saying like, oh, I just went to the bathroom and they ran out of toilet paper. So, oh, I had to get a pad out of the little trash bin. I just remember like, why would I? It's not even funny it's gross just so self-deprecating i had so many jokes that used to just make people go oh i mean i'm not i wish you could have seen me back in the day i was i was like a shock comic every single joke i told was trying and i would stack my set not based on like, oh, I'll close with the funniest one.

I couldn't, your set has this sometimes too where you can't recover after how visceral a certain joke is. Literally, yeah. And you've learned like, okay, I either have to close on that because they don't like me after that or it's just because there's- And it's funny to end on something

that they won't like you. Or like they just get- They can't come back. You can't top it. It's just, yeah. It's hard to tell the difference between something gross and something funny. And a lot of times they're the same because gross is shocking and funny is shocking. So I used to just be, man, I used to have someone.

I should go through my old jokes. We should go through our old jokes sometimes and just and talk about them in like almost like a history lesson of like. This is what my ancestors did. like an older version of myself and please forgive me that I used to say these things but I used to have some of the most offensive material that I can't even believe I can't believe how dark I was and I would just think of the worst thing and say it I mean I almost did a joke this weekend that I'm so glad I didn't do because I was just feeling a lot after the school shooting, obviously last week and didn't know what to do with it.

And then I go to the Wilco concert on Friday night and I cried during one of the songs just because I was, it wasn't even about the shooting. It was just, I cried because it's such a beautiful song story to tell just to give it a promo promo. And I, the next day I wanted to talk about the wilco show i

saw the night before in my set because it was all the people that were there and i was gonna say i even told anya and matt and josh godman i was like is that i know this isn't funny but i just want to acknowledge the shooting i don't want to act like i don't want to make jokes about it but i want to acknowledge it's a fucking thing so i was just gonna say um how good was the show last night you guys like it was i i it's just so nice like i cried during story to tell this most beautiful song it's just so nice to cry about something other than child murder yeah i was just gonna make a it's kind of a joke because it's it's a joke in the sense that it uh it would be hard for people to laugh but you know what it's but it's

funny but i get the relief of it but it's But you know what? But it's funny. But I get the relief of it. But to me, people are like, it's not really funny. And I'm like, well, I get that it's not funny. But to me, it is funny because you think I'm going to say it's nice to cry about something other than, I was going to say child murder and the fact that I lost this earring last week. Make it something small, too. But it was like, that's the first thought I had was this dark thought of like i need i need

to make things dark i need to acknowledge the darkness because we can't act like it didn't happen and people sometimes mistake that for like you're using it as fodder and you're making fun of the victims as opposed to like no i'm just i just need to say it happened yeah and i don't want they're getting that 98 of the day uh don't you think i don't know that's what that's that would be my argument of why i got shushed about it it was really awkward what do you mean you got sure i'll tell it on another show but it was i'm still processing it i got kind of like don't talk about that uh and i'll tell you about it at another time but we gotta go to break and we'll be back with uh shh shushing works so well we'll be back with

a fun esther pearl game 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year it's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities i'm joel oh and i am matt and we're the hosts of how to money we want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early, well, HowToMoney will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right.

How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

I started to live a double life when I was a teenager. Responsible and driven and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head.

But one night, a new door opened and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community. And I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps. Listen to CRIMS as part of the Michael Duda Podcast Network.

Available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Tomer Cohen, LinkedIn's Chief Product Officer. If you're just as curious as I am about the way things are built, the insights behind what it takes to create a world-renowned product, then tune in to my podcast, Building One. There's so much to learn, like how Patagonia innovates with its supply chain. We had to go out to farmers and convince them it was really damn hard. Or the way Adobe thinks about the first interaction somebody has with Photoshop.

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I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour like LPGA superstar Angel Yen. I really just sat myself down at the end of 2022 and I was like, look, either we make it or we quit. Expert tips to help improve your swing and the craziest stories to come out

of your friendly neighborhood country club. The drinks were flowing, twerking all over the place, vaping. They're shotgunning. Women's golf is a wild ride full of big personalities, remarkable athleticism, fierce competition, and a generation of women hell-bent on shanking that glass ceiling. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Presented by Capital One, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. All right, we're back. It's Wild Wacky Wednesday, and today we are going to play the Esther Perel game, which, by the way, Noah, have you seen the new show Couples Therapy on Showtime? No, I don't have Showtime. Okay, I didn't either.

Do you have Hulu? I don't have Hulu. Well, if our listeners do, no one knows about this show and I can't believe they don't, but it's called Couples Therapy and it's so fucking good

and it's watching these different couples go in. Real life stuff? Yeah, real life. And it just is, different couples go in. Real life stuff? Yeah, real life. And it just is, Anya and I are obsessed with it. Anyone I've talked to about it, I put it on my story. I didn't know about the show. And I just feel like it's a failure on Showtime's part to not reach me somehow.

Because I'm into self-help. I'm into therapy. I love real reality shows. Like, this show was right up my alley. How did they not target me and get it in front of me? But I found out about it. I forget. I think there was a thing about it in the new york or something but anyway maybe you get booked next season but i want to promote it because i think if you you like my show you would like this show couples therapy and the extension on

hulu for um for showtime to add it's like 3.99 a month which is i know it adds up but it's not as bad as i thought it was going to be so anyway um it's just like Esther Perel's where should we begin it's a podcast she does and she also has this game called where should we begin which is what we're gonna play right now that Noah owns and one card is a prompt for what the story it's a storytelling game so it prompts stories so one card is kind of gives you the subject matter of what your story should be about a circumstance a prompt and then the other one is a feeling and your story has to include a theme a theme a feeling so you'll see how this goes so um today we selected two separate cards and it's going to give us a little um prompt for uh stories so noah well this one we kind of made up in our text message in the style of a Star Perel game.

Yes. Yes. So we could talk about your favorite topic, birthdays. Yes. Birthdays is the subject. Yeah. So a birthday I remember and we'll make the theme out of character. Yeah.

A birthday I remember and then it has to fit a theme of something that's out of character. Something happened during the birthday, someone else's birthday. I mean, a birthday I remember can be your birthday, anyone's birthday, but that's how the sentence should start or the story should start. So I'll start. A birthday that I remember was, and I feel like this is out of character because this i used to love birthdays and it's not the way i feel about them anymore but i was um in kindergarten and my mom made a little mermaid theme birthday party and i was so excited and obsessed and we played um pin the tail on the um what i think maybe we did pin the claw on the sebastian because he was the character i was obsessed with the little mermaid um and we did uh we she made a pinata of flounder so we got to beat this fish senselessly um and then candy

spilled out of his guts and we had oh maybe we did pin the tail on the mermaid. Maybe it was just her tail. And I had all my friends there. And it's so funny, because you look back at birthdays, and when you were a kid. Where was this? It was in Cincinnati.

At your home? Yeah, on the river. And we had all these friends there. And I look at the pictures from that day, and it's all my little friends on the porch. I don't know any of them. None of them. Not a single one.

And it's just weird to... It's almost like they're ghosts. Yes. Yes. And something I really liked about birthdays that used to happen in my childhood that I still continue on is that whenever my sister had a birthday,

my Aunt Nancy would buy me a gift too. Just a little something. Because it's hard for little kids to watch this like christmas you know speaking from a family that celebrated christmas like on christmas everyone gets presents and then all of a sudden there's this thing where it's like only this one person does and it's like it doesn't make sense and i know it's probably an ingrate thing but i always really appreciated that my my aunt Nancy would go out of her way to get me a little something that was on the side that I could open that my sister wouldn't even see me open. She would do the same for my sister.

So I always get Arlo and Poppy like little gifts to be like, you get a gift because you're such a good brother for like, you've been such a good brother the two years she's been alive. And I just always appreciate that. And I was thinking of how I could give a gift to like my friends on my birthday. And I'm trying to maybe construe tonight as like how can I make this so fun for other people and like not make it about me. And like maybe that's maybe I can. That's what I can do with birthdays in the future is like, make sure it's a day where I give back in some way that I feel okay about accepting all the love. Because I think that

that's what I struggle with when I have depression is that it's me, me, me. And I'm like, I'm so sad. And it's like, I always advise when people are depressed and they go, Nikki, I'm really depressed. What should I do? I always tell them, call someone who needs a friend. Go pick up some litter. Like do something that has nothing to do with you and see how you feel afterwards and so i need to follow my own advice and maybe i'll call my aunt sally today and that will be my because i know she really needs someone to talk to and uh and then i'll call her and give her that uh that voicemail to live then i go sally i'm just calling to give you this other number where i don't have to talk to you and noah will

listen to it and she will edit it for our, which I will give that number to her in addition to giving her a nice long call today. So that's my birthday story. Not great. But what about you? I guess birthday. How does it start? I'm sorry. A birthday.

I remember. A birthday. I remember my 30th birthday. So like you, like I never, I would never set up like a party. I would never do anything. Like maybe I'd go out,

like have two friends, maybe for dinner, but I never would do anything to like get attention for my birthday. I really don't remember doing, like I really don't, or like telling people that it's coming up. Would your mom and dad celebrate your birthday

in a big way when you were little? This is the thing. Like I've talked about it on here before. Like any big thing now that I remember, my parents, if they both had to be there or if you had to be at one place for one day, it became a thing. You'd have to split your time or they would both be there and it would be you being like, I hope mom and dad don't fight and are like, they don't want to be here. I feel guilty.

They didn't talk to each other for 20 years in front of us so anyway i never really celebrated my birthday that much and then when i was 30 uh i was living at my older brother's i was working for his company and i was like leaving like four out of the seven days to go work in the middle of like this place called taunton massachusetts which is like and just far enough away from boston where you can't go into boston for the night to have a good time. So I was living in the middle of nowhere, working in a factory. Oh, yeah. This was your factory.

And I was just doing a job that was not what I wanted to do. But I also was in a circumstance where I was grateful for my brother to help me. But I was also like, what am I doing? Whatever. So I was a little depressed. And then I just remember I got a massage. My brother got me a massage for my birthday. I came back to the house and everything was quiet.

And my friends, I knew they were in town. And I saw them earlier in the day and I still didn't put it together. You had a surprise party? He just ruined it. That's so funny. I ruined your surprise party story. That's really funny. Wait a second.

That's my biggest fear is a surprise party. Wait, did you love it? This is the thing. I wish I could have been there. I think I took a Xanax that day, and I had a massage. I was so out of it. Oh, my God. But I got there, and there was a king outfit waiting for me.

Everyone was dressed. We were going to Medieval Times, and everyone was decked out in night gear. One person dressed as Bobbyby knight which was so funny another person dressed as chewbacca out of nowhere another person dressed as suge knight that's so fun so all your friends got like flown in well some were mostly new york just kelly and danny so they like drove in well kelly and danny flew in. But everyone else just lived in New York City. Oh, for 30, yeah. So we all go to Medieval Times.

I'm dressed like the king. At one point, they address the king. And I take the king's thunder. And everyone's like, because I'm like full on. This is like a $3,000, like a really. And I was like, hello, hello. And then I put my face in the cake. And then I remember the king. You Mona Lisa'd.

The medieval king hated me. because like i was like oh i'll get the night so then he was taking it seriously like this is war yeah i'm being invaded by a king from another land so so we're having the time of our life we take the bus back we go down lower uh lower east side we're drinking and one of the guys had a lightsaber which you know funny hot lightsaber in medieval time yeah doesn't really add up some random guy grabbed his lightsaber and threw it next thing you know we get in a full-on brawl oh my god but we're all dressed we're all dressed like kings and knights and we're fighting. And Suge Knight and... Suge Knight was there as our one black friend. And we're all fighting, fist fighting.

And then my buddy who's dressed as the king, remember the Burger King commercial? Yes. He was all on every drug, but mostly cocaine. Right. What's the other one? Ecstasy. the other one? That ecstasy. The other one. And he thought people were chasing him

and he was running around the Lower East Side thinking people were chasing. So he looked like the king from the commercial, but he thought in his mind people were chasing to fight him. And so we just kept seeing him run past the street. Anyways, it was unbelievable. And the best part, though, is my other buddy dresses the king, and he rode the mechanical bull, and we were in the bathroom,

and he fell off, and his underwear ripped, and I was just in the bathroom random, and some random dude came up. He's like, yo, did you see that king's balls? That king's balls. All right, final thought. Anyhow, it was a great birthday birthday and it was nice to feel like like you know i don't know like that i like mattered yeah that's really sweet yeah yeah i'm i'm i'm um warming up to the idea of of birthdays and i am excited about tonight and i hope that some besties show up and i get to hug them and and they get to hear me sing Sheryl Crow um or Lonely Island Noah what about you for birthdays

you got one I am trying to like rack my brain to think of my own birthday but most of my birthday celebrating going out and doing crazy things or whatever uh were spent really drunk and high so i don't remember any of them yeah i don't remember any details but i guess um i'm gonna give myself kudos because avi you know his love language is quality time so like all those crazy things that i've planned for us to do on his as like a birthday activity for him like ice climbing and mountain climbing and all that crap that i would never do on my own um actually turned out to be really good bonding experiences and i was like oh i can plan fun things for birthdays that's nice that you you yeah you are you i mean you are great at birthdays you've always made me feel so special

and you you're just a great friend you just you both are you are like so I couldn't ask for two better people to have spent this like hour and a half or whatever with because I came in just feeling so sad and like kind of misunderstood and not even understanding myself to be honest with you and like just you guys are always so um like nice to me when i'm going through those stages of like it like just being a baby or being like kind of bratty like just andrew says the perfect like funny thing to make it like just to let me know that he's like not on my same level he's not like gonna because i think a lot of times when you get really upset people try to like match your energy to let me know that he's like not on my same level. He's not like going to, because I think a lot of times when you get really upset,

people try to like match your energy or try to like fix it or try to get as angry as you or like adopt some of your anger. And I like that, Andrew, you always go, you always like acknowledge what I'm going through. Like I came in and I'm like, listing all these things and understanding there with his card, like, and like, it's my my birthday he's trying to be nice but you made

some kind of joke as soon as I walked in and you were like or I was like oh I just want to like die today and you're like it's you know birthday is probably a cool day to go or something like that you made a funny joke that let me know that like you're acknowledging what I said you're not giving it too much you know that I'm not actually suicidal I'm just saying dumb things you made a joke and you just let me have my feelings you don't make me feel stupid about it you laugh when I do say stupid things that I'm I am just sometimes saying I learned today when I was in therapy crying to my therapist with my boyfriend also there that I say outrageous and like sometimes mean or crazy things either mean to myself mean to others because I think that when I was met as a child when I would cry I was met with a lot of

like what are you crying about this is ridiculous you're crying because your Barbie's hair isn't straight or whatever it is like that or your hair isn't straight or something stupid and I felt like because that was then i'm just gonna go and i would get looks of like them being like you're fucking insane like they would say that but just like this is ridiculous they would say that in their own you know the way you talk to kids way you're fucking the same way yes but just because they just not because they're bad people like i want to make it clear my mom and dad are amazing parents. Clearly I have the best parents ever. I put them on a reality show.

I love them so much, but they just didn't know what to do with a daughter who had so much anxiety and seemed to be like, would lose it at little things. But it was cause it wasn't about that little thing. And you know, that requires a lot of therapy and like to understand the root of this stuff. So they would just look at each other like,

what the fuck? And then I discovered that then flailing around and making it even crazier was where I would go. Instead of going like, I'm just gonna act like it's something else. I'd go, you think it's crazy that I'm crying about my Barbie having bent hair on her bangs? Then I am going to hurl myself against the wall,

throw myself on the ground, try to hurt myself so that, honestly, I think it was like, so that you take me to a hospital and someone, like a nurse has to actually, like someone will give a shit. Justify your, yeah, yeah. Someone will step in and have to do a,

like take me to a hospital, put me in a, because they used to go, we're gonna, you need to be admitted somewhere like they used to like say that almost jokingly and i'd be like great i would love for a doctor to actually try to figure out what's wrong with me because i don't know what it is this has to be someone else's problem besides mine because i can't handle it so i would go it's so today on

the on my therapy i was feeling embarrassed about my feelings because i was crying about something that kind of made no sense about like I'm having a birthday party and I'm feeling stressed out about it. I felt stupid. I'm crying about my birthday. I'm crying because I'm like I'm already famous. I get enough attention. So now I'm crying about being famous.

What is going on here? I felt stupid. So then I'm like, okay, I got to get crazier because this is just borderline. I need to go full crazy so that these other crazy things are then just so much less than the other stuff I'm saying, which when you say really crazy stuff, people can go, oh, she's just crazy. But when you say things that are just sounding like you're – Yeah.

Like you think you're cool or you're just – you're crying about being famous, people can go, she's a bitch. Yeah, you're spoiled. You're spoiled, yes. But if I cry about... So where did you take it? What was the next level? Wait, oh, I can't even tell you where. Did you have that epiphany

and that connection today in therapy? Yes, I had a couple connections. That's a huge birthday gift, by the way, of self-realization. I had a couple fucking... This is why therapy is great, you guys, and I know I do ads for it on here, but you don't know how you feel until you are able to like talk things out to maybe to a fucking wall

like you don't even need like it's not it's sometimes about listening to yourself because as i was talking because we were talking about chris has covid and he can't come tonight and if he does come tonight he's on like the sixth day of it but he tested positive yesterday and i was like just come in a mask and he's like maybe i'll do that but i just i don't want to get close and then as we were talking my therapist at one point was like nikki what's your love language and i was like touch like immediately touch and i was like oh my god i i was like i and chris is kind of hurt because i'm like i'd rather you not come than come and wear a mask like i just and be like like there was something about him coming

and being scared to give me and anyone else COVID that made me go, I don't want to make him feel bad about coming and being nervous. And then I realized it's because I'd rather you not come because I want to touch you. I want to be touched by you. I don't want you around if I can't touch you.

And I felt bad saying that because I don't want him to think that's all I use him for because obviously not. He's so much more to me than that. But I do, when we were trying to be like just friends, I remember saying to him, like, I don't even want to be friends with you because I'm, when I'm around you, I want to hold your hand. I want to like rub your back.

I want you to touch me. And like, I can't, and you know, I'm not saying down the line, like if we were, I think I could be friends with him now, if we decided we couldn't be together or something like I have more of a connection with him, but I really require touch a lot. And I said that today, I was like, I just realized like, she asked me about touch. I was talking about Chris coming with a mask on. And I was like, I don't want you to kiss me on my cheek with like a mask kiss. Like I'd rather you just not even show up because to me it's not,

it would be the same as smelling or like being really hungry and smelling a food and just like smelling it. And like, and she goes really interesting that an anorexic describes, like uses a food analogy. And I was like, well, that's what I used to do with food.

I used to, when I would starve and I couldn't have it, but I would watch the food network, which is a very common thing for people who have anorexia interesting to watch food tv incessantly i would read food magazines i would watch food tv i would watch it i would watch people eat you all i wanted to do was be around food play with it but i didn't want to have it and i feel like that's the same way i am with affection and, like, intimacy is, like, I want to get just close enough, but I don't deserve it. But I do right now feel like I deserve love.

So I don't want to torture myself by being, like, close to Chris but not being able to actually, like, have him, like, be. But she was like, well, tonight he can come and, like, you can hold your hand. Like, you could wash your hands right after. Like, you know, you don't have to lick his hand. Like, there's things around it. So there were a lot of good epiphanies today. There's always doggy style. I'm going to talk about getting shushed through the rap, okay?

Do you want to start? And then I can kind of think about what I'm going to do for myself. Yeah, I'll start. Yeah, start a rap. Yo, go shorty. It's your birthday. We're going to party like it's your birthday. All I can picture

him is bending down like a bat on the super bowl and i was worried about the bar he was hanging on i thought it was like one of those bars you put in the middle of your door and i was like it's gonna it's gonna fall go shorty okay it's your birthday we're gonna party like it's your birthday we're gonna sing karaoke like we're sharing croat cocaine cocaine on a thursday everybody get up get down put the mask on take it off and bang me and eat my butt but don't leave don't ever come back i mean i feel like we get such a we get inside the psychology of each other when we really freestyle and when you do those little ones coming out of the first break, we learn a lot. Okay, so I'm about to tell you about what happened.

Wait, don't do that. What? No. Birthday? Don't. Andrew has a really good skill of doing this and repeating. And it is so annoying. But I'm going to still do my rap.

Okay, this weekend I was in a van. I was driving to the airport with a man. There was also another woman in the car. She had her kid with her. We didn't go too far. We drove about an hour. Her kid was about eight. I was trying to be cool and trying to relate.

We were talking about the weekend. We were talking about fun. We were talking about things, but we weren't talking about guns. At one point, I referenced that the Wilco album helped me. It got me through the week. It was really something swell to to me so then healthy so really something healthy thank you so i'm talking about the album and i uh casually referenced that this week was hard so i said it was hard and this album really helped me because last week was so brutal and i was feeling so many

feelings and then she looked back at me and was like oh girl cut it don't say that around my kid I haven't told him yet and I was like oh shit am I a bad person did I almost talk about something terrible in front of this kid it sounded like I was about to talk about a gangbang and she was like he doesn't know about gangbangs yet but I'm not even making this a rap anymore because I just want to get my point across I felt like a bad mom I felt like a bad woman that I almost talked about a mass shooting in front of this kid and then i was thinking do kids even know about this the fact is they don't and why should you tell them nothing you really say is going to prepare them sam harris compared it to telling your kid about a plane crash it's not going to help your kid to know about a plane crash because most of the time you're not going to be in a plane crash and even if you are there's really not going

to be anything you could do about it so don't talk to your kids about the shooting but i casually mentioned that last week was quote unquote hard and she shot me a look like do not mention why it was hard and she pointed at her kid and i felt shamed and i felt like i'm a bad person but then i just realized she was just being a good mom she's protecting her son she didn't want him to hear about it and she doesn't know what this bitch in the back seat is gonna say i'm a raunchy comedian what's she gonna do so um it was really interesting i don't know if you have kids out there, but I am wondering how you handle this whole situation because it's really fucking weird. And I know that if I were in fourth grade

and someone told me that a bunch of fourth graders got murdered in a classroom last week, I would be fucking scared as shit. So I would recommend to parents, do not tell your kids about it because it's just going to give them anxiety. And that's the end of my wrap. Happy birthday, Nikki.

All right, guys. Thank you so much for listening today. And I love all of you. Thank you for the birthday wishes. If I don't get back to you, you know it's not because I didn't see it or because I didn't love it, but it's because I'm overwhelmed

and I love you so much for all of it. And thank you for being my friends and my fans and don't be cut and... Happy birthday. You're so good at that. I'm pretty good. It made me feel like we said it at the same time, but you were just... Yeah.

Yeah. God damn it. Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money podcast. Our show is all about helping you make

sense of your personal finances so you can ditch your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How To Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines.

Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast. And now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Listen to mini questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers.

You are cordially invited to... The hottest party in professional sports. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour, tips to help improve your swing, and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Woman sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment.

Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. That's right. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. With a blend of humor, vulnerability, and authenticity, we share our personal journeys navigating our 30s, tackling the complexities of modern relationships, and engage in thought-provoking discussions that challenge societal expectations. guests to relatable stories that will resonate with your experiences. Decisions Decisions is going to be your go-to source for the open dialogue about what it truly means to love and connect in today's world. Get ready to reshape your understanding of relationships

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