The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #233 Max, Do You Love Me?

Episode Date: June 14, 2022

Nikki went to the gynecologist this morning and had a surprise shadow. Andrew has hot dogs and baked beans on the brain. They try to figure out their last supper, if Andrew will quit his F45 classes and Nikki is bummed about being alone. You Heard It Here First, how to distract a liar, a creepy crawly way to make extra cash and Nikki gives her thoughts on Taylor Swift's imposter syndrome. In Top 1 Bottom 1 they talk about school subjects. Nikki closes the show reading a letter she wrote sucking up to her science teacher and figures out which Britney Spears song she became. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. Welcome to Monday morning here at the show. Morning, afternoon. I just woke up. Well, I already woke up today, but then I took a nap and then I overslept. So I apologize to you guys for oversleeping. But I had a gyno appointment this morning at 9.

But I got to walk there because I live so close to the hospital. That's good. It's pretty nice. It was in an alley. It was a back alley. Yeah, old school. Pap smear. They're not even letting us get those legally anymore.

Also, they're like, we could do it inside. You're like, this is what I prefer. I brought a coat hanger. They're like, we don't need. That's not necessary. It's not B-Y-O-H. No. But I did have an exam and I haven't had one in a while.

Did you pass? Yeah, I got a C. Yeah, it's 74. 38-year-old fucking uterus. They're like, yes, a C-minus. We'll let you slide even though there's nothing there's no lubrication down here to slide down well uh there was so right before i went in like the room you know they like weigh you and they do your blood pressure whatever by the way i always get

weighed blindly i don't want to know my weight fucking ever ever ever so i i turn around I'm like can I just not see the number and so I face the like out I don't want to face the number and then I hear her type and I hear her at three numbers so I know I'm in the triple-ditch I'm just kidding yeah I can hear it like god damn it no that's that's the way it used to be for me but um no it and then um she took the blood pressure, all the stuff. And then I have this. When I was hospitalized for anorexia, I already have Brady cardio, which is a very low heartbeat just naturally.

And that's why I was hospitalized because my heartbeat was so low back when I was 18 or whatever. And so I have this thing where when I'm getting my blood pressure taken, I always start hyperventilating, trying to get it up so I don't have to be hospitalized. So funny. I'm the opposite of that. Really?

Yeah, because mine's so high. But your heart rate is high? Oh, I guess my blood pressure. But that can affect your stress levels. Yeah, isn't one of those numbers the heartbeat? No, no, no. They just take that number with the blood pressure, but it's not one of those. A lot of times I don't remember doing my pulse so much, but what was your pulse at?

Naturally, what is your pulse? I don't know. I don't even get that one. I mean, I don't ask for that number because I don't understand. It's about 40. Okay, and what was it today? You can always tell what your pulse is. I can tell what my pulse is because I know what understand what that, but my, my, it's about 40. Okay. And what was it today? You can always tell what your pulse, I can tell what my pulse is because I know what one second is like one,

two, three. And if it's slower than one second, then that means it's less than 60. And if it's higher than one second, then it's more than 60. And then you just kind of see like, Oh,

is it two per second? Then it's one 20. Does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway. right i just knew like even though it was over it was like 20 literally 20 years ago i was still like like i just sit down i start going just to get it up which is so stupid but um then she was like do you mind if uh you know your doctor's having someone shadow her, you know, another doc, like a med students shadow.

And I was like, shut up, bring him on in. I don't care. Who cares? And then it was like, it was a boy. And then that changed my answer.

You have a female. I have a female doctor. I'm never having a male gynecologist ever, ever, ever again. Sorry, male gynecologist. I know you're in it for the right reasons, but are you a different one like you don't need to pick that one unless you have

some story about your mom dying of some kind of ovarian cancer or something no it's creepy ever since seeing that doctor so one doctor ruined it for you yeah guess what that's you guys don't get to do that now and honestly they um not only did she have a med student shadow her which i agreed to when i thought it was a woman for some reason um and then when it was a boy i was just like wouldn't have said yes to this because it was like a young man i love when you say i'm picturing doogie hauser he seemed like a boy i mean he's probably 29 30 but he looked like damn look at this bitch he walks in like he looked- He's like, damn, look at this bitch. His name was Max. He walks in like- Yeah.

His name was Max. Max was not a name that was circled. He has highlights. Anyone my name is named Max. He has like spiky hair. He was young. Yo, Nikki Glaser. What's up?

They did call me Nikki at one point. And I was like, my name is Nicole on the thing. So someone knows who I am. They know who I am. They know who I am. They know whose pussy this is. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I think he said goodbye.

He was like, bye, Nikki. And I was like, clocked that. Like, it definitely says Nicole on my chart. We did not talk about anything in here. It's like, when you're looking at my pussy medically, it's Nicole's pussy. Well, it does have a Groucho Marx glasses on down there. So maybe that's how they knew I was a comedian. Oh, is that why your pubic hair is in a mustache?

Yeah, yeah. So wait, so he walks in. Yeah, so were you- I did not know it was a man. But I was just like, why would this matter? Why did it matter? Why would you let another woman, another man? Well, because generally women aren't getting horny for pussies.

And I have a famous pussy. I'm sorry. I do. Like, there's something about it. Like, I'm not just, if, I don't care if people don't know who I am and they see something private about me. That's why I would always say, like, I would do porn if I could wear a mask or something. Like, I don't care.

But if they know they can place who I am, it changes it. So that was the, that was the problem. Like I if I would never see and this would be the same if like I found out this kid lives it's as if

for you to for someone who is not me to understand this because I think I would be like It's like you went to high school with the guy. Well it would be the same as if you said yes

to someone's shadowing and then they walked in and there's someone who lives in your apartment building. They know who you are. Let's say like they just they're not friends with you but they know who you are.

They see you get your mail and stuff. That's how it felt and I was just like, oh God. But I couldn't say anything because what do I say? Oh no, I didn't know it was going to be a man

and then that's even weirder. So then you have, and then not only do they have that, she says before I begin the exam, we have a new, there's a new law where there has to be a chaperone in the room so then they bring in a woman to stand by your head while they have their fingers in you so nothing nothing squirrely happens because if it was just

me and the doctor even she goes even though i'm a woman we still do it which i think is good because that's because gynos are creeps male gynos be creeping and that's a new thing they've implemented that's not because oh just out of nowhere we wanted to start doing this it's because shit was happening and now they're doing this i kind of feel like it's your porn fantasy finally someone's petting your hair it's just a chaperone finally you have a good girl i have the joke they don't know i have that joke but you do where it's like whenever someone's going down on me, I get lonely. And so I'm always like, I want someone up at the top.

You're so right. It was someone up there. So, I mean, three's company, four's company. That's a lot. That's why male gynecologists, not okay. She literally said, even though I'm a woman woman we still need a chaperone that's why there is a chaperone in place now at whatever at this really nice hospital and she was like it's now required by missouri you know state medical law whatever she said they don't do that randomly it's because

it's creepy male gynos why why are you doing it i just don't i i used to have male gynecologists too because i wanted to be like progressive and be like it doesn't matter it's weird yeah unless you're a gay man yeah that's what i was gonna say or i just i don't know man i'm trying to maybe my woman was a lesbian for some reason i feel safer than if it were even a gay man. I feel like a male gyno doctor, if we had him on here, would say, I see a vagina. I just see it as literal skin at this point. Okay. Well, then how do you fuck your wife? Do you ever watch porn?

In the ass. I think I see my asshole down there, too, because I shave it. Would you say the same thing for a proctologist? I think that's where men go. For a woman? Women aren't getting turned on by men's penises. We don't have the same visceral response to men's penises that men do to our genitals.

It's just not the same. And I know some women do, for sure. Some men do. Some male doctors who are gay men will probably mouth water over a dick. But it's just not the same. It's just, it is weird. And you can say all day, it's just a body. I'm just saying.

I just think that that's what they would say. I know that's what they would say. But then I would be sad for their wife. No, but I think they can compartmentalize the two. It's like a breast cancer guy seeing tits and then seeing his wife's tits and not being max all those two max saw my tits too that was what we started with max i love his name was max we started with my boobs dr max it was like we were doing bases like why not do boobs last why are we easing into this like we're middle schoolers like it is

weird that we started there a taste test was weird too max like that was weird that was so wait so did so did you say anything because because that's what that's what happens too because they were like look i've dealt with that maxine and i go wait a second no they didn't well also i feel like it's partly like you want i was insecure when i you know i remember i had that hot nurse and i had problems with my balls i'm not saying you have a problem with your vagina but i had a problem with my balls where i had scabies and so i thought i'm gonna discuss this woman you what I mean? So a lot of it was my own shit. Not so much that she's turned on by dicks, just that she's going to be so turned off by my boss.

Yeah. I mean, like, he's a young boy looking at my pussy that I did not prepare in any way. Yeah. It's like brushing your teeth before the death. And I have insecurities about my vagina every time a man I do like goes down on me. Like, there's chronic, like, it's not not good enough even if i was a tight fucking when i was 22 i felt that way about

my vagina it doesn't matter so yeah there it that is that it's not like oh he's gonna be so turned on it might be that he's yeah that he might be grossed out that he might just judge me like knowing he might get drunk someday and be like i've seen nikki glazer's pussy like she's on t i come on tv at some bar he's at, and he's – I'm sorry. I know he's dedicated four years of his – three years. His badge said three-year med student. That's not enough time for me to think that you're not going to talk about me. That guy's still playing beer pong.

Listen, I know that that's a HIPAA violation, but I guess I've had my own therapist violate hip-hop by talking about their other clients to me so i don't i do not think that it is beyond um yeah i had a guy scope of imaginable things that a med student i'm no max was very nice when the doctor left we actually had a little talk and he was very sweet and i was asking about med school and stuff but it's it was all done because it was awkward that my was in the room that he was gonna see i would not have had this small talk there's there's this air in the room of like what we're doing is weird even the gynecologist who has been working she's my age she was like doing like oh i know this is uncomfortable no one wants this on a monday morning like she was at all the lines that everyone knows.

Like this is awkward. And it just, even that made me feel awkward that there's like special ways to like joke about it. You would almost want them to say nothing. I would feel like. Yes. Also just a bright light.

Whenever we're showing our genitals, it's never in bright light. Like if you're fucking, it's in the dark or kind of. And that makes it a little less sexual, I guess. Yeah. It doesn't make it less sexual.

Well, I know what Sylvester Stallone's dick looks like because. Why? I never told you that story. No, no, no. I got drunk on it, too. No, no. He was in med school. Yeah, yeah.

My dad was in med school, and I was failing out of college. No, he, this guy, he had equipment that did certain surgeries around the genitals. So he saw, he would see the penises when he would be there in the room to help. Like he sold medical equipment. Who was? A friend of mine or a guy I met. So a friend of yours saw Sylvester Stallone's penis and told you about it? Yeah, it's gigantic. See, that's such a violation.

That's what I'm saying, yeah. That's so, yeah, so someone. Yeah. Yeah, no, there's, I definitely, and if this kid is drunk with his friends one day, and I'm on TV and I'm on Rogan talking about my pussy, he might feel it's okay for him to mention, oh, I've actually seen it, it is pretty beat up, or whatever the fuck he could say. It's true he's like dude i i respect her because she's telling the truth yeah like yeah no dude like that's or he could just say she i once was in a exam room with her and then they

go tell us come on dude pound the claw and they like haze him come Come on, Max. They're little med school parties. God damn it. But what was this going to do? It was so quick though. It's such a quick exam. I mean, I would. And I got the Gardasil vaccine. I didn't even know you could get the Gardasil vaccine.

It's so funny now with vaccines. Everyone's so scared. It used to be before coronavirus vaccine. It was like, do you want to get this vaccine? Yes or no? Now it's like, now there is a thing called a vaccine for Gardasil and if you are and I was just like wait but can I get it I've had HPV before I haven't it clocked it on my system for like 15 years but I thought it was too late I mean I've seen the ads like protect your young daughter from Gardasil from HPV and all these cancers I thought I couldn't get the vaccine. Like after you have the thing that they're like,

she was like, no, you can get it. And I was like, she's like, now the vaccine. I go, yes, please. And she goes, so it's going to be three shots. And I go, I don't care. Yes. Now give me now vaccine. So now I'm Gardasil up.

I'm ready to go. And it protects against all types of cancers. Oh my God. I think a lot of people don't know God. The older you get, you get. I think a lot of people don't know that, that you could get it after the fact. Agreed, because we girls my age, when we already had HPV, all of a sudden this Gardasil thing was out. And we were like, God, we wish we could have gotten that when we were young girls and not gotten fucking HPV, which you're just a carrier of. And then you have squamous cells, and then you have to get a pulchoscopy where they literally clip a piece of your uterus out

and they go, it's not going to hurt that much and it's the worst pain you've ever felt. It's all this bullshit that you don't have to go through if you get this vaccine and it wasn't available to us but now it actually is. But I didn't know. Can guys get that?

I don't know. I don't know. I think it's a girl thing. But I just rarely go to the fucking doctor. It's really bad. I got to go more. I know. But once you go.

I got checked for chlamydia and gonorrhea. She was like, you want to do those? And I go, wouldn't I know if I had it? And she goes, no. I mean, a lot of times. And I go, well, then who gives a fuck if I have it? But I know that you can give it to people or whatever. And I'm like, yeah, check for them all. Let let's do the whole thing let's do the whole gamut so i'll know

in two days if i have gonorrhea or chlamydia yeah my they asked my birth control i was like pull out i literally said that in front of max i go pull out and she goes oh so because i go she goes are you in birth control and i go no she goes so She goes, so condoms? And I go, no, pull out. I go, listen, I've never been pregnant. That's all I ever do. And I'm 38, and I don't even think my body can carry a baby. I'd be surprised if I got pregnant. And she was like, you never know. I always have women in here who go, I could never do it.

And I was like, then I'll be pregnant. Can you find out if you're fertile? Yes. Do I want to know that? No. But why not? Because it'll be sad if you're not. I haven't found out, I guess.

At least I have the thought that I could be, even though I don't want kids. Yeah. That's a mind trip right there. Well, it's better to know. It's like not weighing myself. I don't want to know. The number is not going to help me. Knowing that I'm a bigger number than I am is not going to make my day better.

But then you could pull in. What? You could pull in instead of pull out. You know what I mean? Like if you knew. Yeah, but you might learn that you're kind of or you're less than. You know, like if it was completely negative. But that would be sad too for a myriad reasons.

I don't know. I think guys can find out how many swimmers they are. Something. Some number. It, or something, some number. It's like an insanely high number. And you find out the high number, and then you go, is that good? No, that's bad. Yeah, it'll seem like 16 trillion.

You're like, yeah. And they're like, it's pretty low, dude. Like, what? That seems more than several. It's like more than the amount of gut bacteria you have. You ever hear gut bacteria bacteria and they're like, inside this capsule is 65 billion micro-organisms of selenium root. And you're just like, that seems like a lot.

Yeah. All right. Let's go to break and come back with more. Andrew! I'm coming down the country road to a city stop near you. The burger boy is coming back and the hot dog kid goes to sleep. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities.

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so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right. How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show,

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Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out, we want to raise awareness, and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful.

I'm Ellie Flynn, and I'm an investigative journalist. When a group of models from the UK wanted my help, I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy model. Lingerie, topless. I said, yes, please. Because at the centre of this murky world is an alleged predator.

You know who he is because of his pattern of behaviour. He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it. He's everywhere and has been everywhere. It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated. Together, we're going to expose him and the rotten industry he works in. It's not just me. We're an army in comparison to him. Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

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Wait a second. Let's just talk about what you just said in your rap before break that's the hot dog that's song portion rap is at the end okay the song portion what the hot dog kid goes to sleep what's that from i don't know i think i talked to my mom it's my mom's birthday happy birthday robin happy birthday robin i love you we spoke today and i was like what are you doing for dinner? Like a car mine? It's her favorite place in Palm Beach. It's really good. She's like, my friend's making hot dogs and

beans for me. I was like, that's the cutest thing ever. I think hot dogs and beans is on my mind right now. That's so cute. Have you had baked beans in a while? Yeah. Baked beans, there was a taste to it. It was never my favorite thing as a kid,

but all I can think of is scraping it off a paper plate. You know the little – Oh, yeah, yeah. The side of the paper plate, that little – like having the juices kind of go in those divots is all I can think of with baked beans. This makes me think of how much paper I've eaten trying to get more beans. I've eaten so much of that paper off the paper plates back in the day no offense to your mom's dietary decisions because like her life

please don't why do old people eat like the worst food ever when they are fragile and like my grandma used to eat trash my mom likes to like as you get older shouldn't it just be like the most healthy food ever? Or is it like, I have so little to live, let me just enjoy myself. Because my grandma used to eat hot dogs, too. It's like, I wouldn't feed a hot dog to my dog. Yeah. I literally wouldn't.

How disgusting it is. I think that generation, they lived, that's what they lived off of. Like, that's, you know what I mean? It's not weird to them to eat. Like that is healthy. That's food. Yes. You know, in their mind.

Yes. And I do think there's something involved in that of like, I'm going out anyways, might as well go out eating exactly what I want. Like last supper every single day kind of thing. Yeah, what would your last supper be? Last supper every day is funny. It's so hard to think about that i think i know i'm not hungry

right now so it's it's it always depends on how hungry you are i think on my last supper i'd be like i'm gonna skip three meals just so it's i'm the most hungry and like the yeah like i don't ever skip meals now because imagine someone goes but if i'm gonna die after it then that's fine imagine someone goes for my last supper i I'm just going to do like a kale smoothie. I would probably do that. I like the taste of things that make me feel good. No, I know. But it's just it's such a living food.

Yes. Yeah. I'm going to I'm today. Who knows what's going to happen? You're not going on a bike right after this, right? Well, you don't know what my heaven's going to be like. Well, you murdered 16 people so you're not really gonna go to heaven well actually hell does sound like a lot of kale

so maybe you're just getting ready for kale smoothies the rest of your life don't kale my vibe that was a smoothie i wanted to play or a salad please don't kale my vibe it's so hot yeah it isn't but do you do you know that the people don't know this that things taste better the more hungry they are so like if people are like this is the best hamburger in town you're gonna like a hamburger from wendy's better if you haven't eaten in eight hours then you will if you go to like the best place in the me in america oh yeah and eat and you've eaten an hour before. What would your last supper be? So I don't really trust when people go,

this is the best thing I've ever had because I just think, well, that's probably because you ate it when you were hungriest. Also, the last supper, I think you're going to feel a little- The first bite of food is always going to be the best, regardless than the last bite.

I think you're going to feel a little anxiety before you're eating this. I can't imagine- Oh, yeah, but that's why it's so a little anxiety before you're eating this. I can't imagine. Oh, yeah, but that's why it's so good. Whenever I'm anxious, food is like comfort. That's a good point, too. I thought that maybe I would lose my hunger if I was on death row. I might lose it a little bit for sure.

They're like, ooh, lobster and butter. It's like, dude, I'm going to die in two minutes. And if it's like a hanging, you would shit everywhere. So maybe it would be fun to give them a really mess to clean up. Oh, yeah. Even if you're being electrocuted, I bet you shit. I think when you die, you shit no matter what. I just love someone going, I'm just going to have a couple carrots because I don't want

to look like an idiot with shit everywhere. Yeah, yeah. I would probably do skyline chili. Oh, God. I really would. That used to be my favorite food. Your executioner will kill himself after he sees that i literally used to make myself sick every time i ate skyline chili as a kid because i

would be it would be such a treat and i would every single time i left skyline as a child that's how i know i had eating disorder stuff long before it ever struck me i would feel the need to throw up every single time i ate skyline as you know from the ages of 7 to 15 i've had it one time yeah and i i remember not being not loving it i don't know why it wasn't for me like i i only wanted to throw up because i ate too much of it it was never because it was like bad or tasted bad or made me feel sick it was just it's so good oh my god i love it so much that'd probably be my last meal skyline chili or like a deep dish pizza or something really thick saucy aren't certain

foods like skyline chili when you were that age was fantastic but now like like i had a the other day i had like a big mac a while ago but i remember just eating a mcdonald's cheeseburger or double cheeseburger and being like, oh my God. And it just didn't hit the same at all. Well, you know, I read this, that kids' palates, the reason kids don't like a lot of food and then you grow up and you start liking it is because kids are dumb and so they eat more stuff. And when we used to be like foragers kids would eat their their your taste buds are

turned up so that poison and plants is more discernible so that's why kids hate foods because their taste buds are so much more sensitive because they're stupid we need to make them more sensitive when you get to be an adult as a you know tribesman yeah you you by then you've lived a little bit more you know what plants to avoid what berries to avoid you don't need your senses to go no no no don't do this yeah so your tastes get more uh you know you have a wider range of things that you can eat and not be like disgusted by because it doesn't make sense that kids are grossed out by onions and then adults can have them yeah they're grossed out by peas. Yeah. I hated peas. That's more like... Eat all your peas.

That's more societal, like Brussels sprouts and peas. That was always like the classic thing a kid would reject, you know? I know, and that's, I guess I was classic. And it gets in your head. Oh, because you're told that. Yeah, you're told like that, you know, the little rascals don't like peas or like Garfield doesn't like salads or whatever. Yeah, there was something like you're going to eat your greens or like garfield doesn't like salads or whatever yeah there was something like

you're gonna eat your greens or like you know i'm just i just do meat i remember saying i've said that out of my mouth before like i don't do salad like yes like back in the day you probably heard your mom say that i don't do vegetables what do your parents eat vegetables uh on their hot dogs and beans exactly yeah no my look my dad no one eats my me and my brothers eat somewhat healthy but yeah growing up we we didn't eat horribly right but it wasn't ever discussed you know like my mom would go on weird diets yeah you know and then like have you know lose weight to go on a cruise in a month yeah i'm sure that's where I got my spring break body from. Yeah.

You definitely have that diet thing of where you're like, I'm just going to do this thing and this is going to be the way I eat for the rest of my life. And you're like, you're really never going to have anything except, you know, ham. Like,

I'm just going to do grapefruits and ham. And you're like, I don't think that's sustainable. And you're going to. You don't know me nikki i'm a grapefruit and ham guy now she's like i'm just doing cauliflower crust everything not doing listen i don't need bread anymore we're just doing cauliflower crust and you just go okay this will be good until you go on your trip to croatia on the cross no but i mean like one time she switched to that so funny but yeah it's so funny it is it really i'm just gonna smell broccoli for three

weeks and then eat nails yeah i mean i'm i'm guaranteeing you thousands of people listening are in some diet where they go i'm just eating this oh for sure and the it's just good luck to you it's i know you think or'm going to do this workout every day for the rest of my life. I've thought of that a million times in my life. Unless you die in a week, it will not be the workout you do the rest of your life. It just won't.

Things change. Everything changes. But how's that 45 going? I'm still doing it a lot. I know, but it's not going to last forever. Yeah, it is. Okay. As long as they're open.

You really, but how many times in your life have you thought this about other things? Be honest. Be honest. A hundred percent I'm not doing it next, after a week. No, no, no. But there have been times that you felt this way about other workout plans. A million percent. But this time's different.

I'm telling you, as someone that has tried a million things, I think when you found whatever food you like. But I've heard this from you too. I agree. I'm the first to say this. You point things out. I'm the first to say that I'm flawed and I come up short. But you think this one will be different.

It's a very, and I'm not just trying to. I'm not saying it's not a good workout. I'm just saying. It's just a good workout for me. Yes. Like, it makes sense for me. Yes. Will I do it maybe not four or five days a week or like whatever?

Will it slow down? Potentially, yes. What happens if this place goes out of business? Then I'll fucking get fat and fucking eat. Ham and grapefruit. Eat just, I'll smell ham and i'll put a grapefruit in my ass and i'll have max take it out oh god we got back from the road yesterday it was such a long weekend that was pretty wild how much we travel and then solid city and phoenix and then phoenix boom boom

boom talk about boom boom boom we did it this weekend airports short thursday yeah not not bad flights at all but lots of like just you know checking into a hotel having an hour two hours to do whatever then having to get ready then going to the show then after the show having to like go right back that's my problem is i'm i for the next tour the hang will be extended and you might not want to go on tour with me but I need to hang out after the show I get no we get no hang time all we get to do for hang time is before the show and everyone's nervous that's an hour hang no but it's not that hangable because everyone's just kind of like Matt's Matt's organizing everything like no everyone's not

together and sometimes when we're in the car when we travel places we get to hang but even in the Everyone's just kind of like, Matt's organizing everything. Everyone's not together. And sometimes when we're in the car, when we travel places, we get to hang. But even in the airport, it's not a hang. I like an after show hang when that's the best part of doing things that are hard, is afterwards being like, we're done and we get to relax. That's what I really miss. And like every venue kicks us out right away because there's always like two guys, union guys who are like, be, you know, want to go home.

And I get that. And I want them to go home. And so I feel bad. And then the other night I got so depressed because, you know, Anya and Matt get to go back to them, their, their room and like have each other. And then you didn't, I don't know what you do, but you have no problem. I just don't want to go back alone. I get so bored alone. And then I go on instagram live and i know people are like nikki will hang

out with you i don't want to hang out with strangers in a town i just don't i don't want to go to a bar i don't want to i just want friends and i'm just starting to feel like even yesterday i got home from the road and then you get to go hang out with brenna i went and go went to hang out with my sister and my parents at their house and then it gets time for everyone to leave and my sister and matt go with their kids and my mom and dad are like nikki you could stay but i don't want to because i'm already starting to fight with them a little too much and then i just go home alone and i have literally no one and i'm just like bummed about it and everyone's like i'll be your friend but it's just you know noah was so nice noah offered to because i was like people are like are you gonna watch the

finale of your show and i'm like i don't want to watch that alone but i don't want to watch it on facetime facetime isn't the same for some reason facetime gives me anxiety i just want to hang out with people in person um that's why i don't call it i just don't like calling people i don't know why because i feel like i can't get off the phone or something. I don't know what it is, but it's just like, I'm just starting to feel like I have to move or something. Cause I just,

I don't have friends here and I cannot hang out with my sister because those kids, they just don't stop screaming. It's constantly screaming, be a monster. I love them, but I, it's just too much.

And she can't get away because then Matt's just left with them so it's just nothing to do and I know there's like one or two people out there that are like I'll hang out with you but it takes a lot for me to get comfortable with someone enough to hang out with it's just a bummer I just I want to you definitely need girlfriends nearby

or a bird yes I need girlfriends that's the truth I do I need girlfriends and I don't have any here and it's really hard for me to make it's not really hard but to make new girlfriends especially as I'm not trying to be weird a famous person who most people who want to be friends with me have a little bit in their mind that I'm like there's just an energy to it where yeah I don't want people to be friends with me because they are, you know, they're excited about being. I've wanted to be friends with Jennifer Lawrence because she was famous. I mean, I get it.

I'm not trying to say like that, but and there's no solution to this. I know I'm presenting a problem that there's no solution, but I'm just like I was really sad yesterday and I was like, oh, this is why people have girlfriends or boyfriends or kids. It's because humans aren't meant to be alone my dog won't even fucking look at me i walked into my parents house yesterday luigi usually attacks me upon entering my parents house like freaks out he didn't even he didn't they were in the pool in the backyard so i walked into a house that was empty so i'm walking through the house i get out there and marion comes up to me and i go hi marion where's luigi i'm like did luigi die hi luigi he's looking at me now um and they go no he's in the house and i go i think

something might be wrong with him i walked in the house never has the front door open in luigi not run and barked at whoever was he knew it was me and he didn't get up from whatever bed he was in in the other room because he was punishing me because he was mad at me i'm like that makes fucking five of you five yeah just everyone in my life just not enthusiastic so i walked out to the pool and i'm like he's inside and they go he didn't agree with the door i'm like no and they're like we really thought he might be dead because there's not ever a time that someone comes to the door and luigi doesn't come to the door and then he came outside eventually and he ignores me he doesn't come up to me he goes over to the door and Luigi doesn't come to the door. And then he came outside eventually and he ignores me. He doesn't come up to me.

He goes over to my sister and sits by her chair. And I go, Luigi, he won't look at me. He won't come over to me. I mean, usually he attacks me with kisses. And like, you know, is just wiggling so much and making noises like this. Like pig noises because he's so excited. I don't even know what happened. I don't, I can't explain it.

I'm very hurt, but I had to stifle it because it's embarrassing to cry in front of your family and they're all being so awkward. Like, Luigi, go say hi to Nikki. They're mad at him. And I'm just like, nope, this is the way it goes with me. Anyone who likes me gives up on me. I always get, you know, people get hurt because i go out of town

or like whatever it is and like they just move on like i'm not a consistent part of anyone's life and that's how it feels and now luigi is on the floor at my feet but it's because i feel about it's like mango gives me that energy every single time so i don't even know what it's like to be liked by him yeah so i guess that's kind of different cats are different a dog would great for sure for sure but it's just um yeah i mean that was i don't you know i mean that's i feel bad like that's no no one it did no one needs to feel bad i just understand now like oh god like i i just need to get a bird i need to get either more dogs or a like something that will i just need to get a bird. I need to get either more dogs or like something that will, I just need to be loved. Well, you moved here.

No one loves me. Honestly, people love me. They say they love me, but honestly, no one really loves me as much as they, I'm not anyone's top person. Anyone in their life. Zero.

Zero people would define me as their number one person they love. And that is a bummer. That's not true. It's just true. Name anyone. I'm not their top anyone i mean except myself the only person who loves me is myself and i don't even love me i don't even you're how many people do you think your top no top one i know but how many people you're brenna's top one yeah sure okay so you have one okay that's what but how many my top one two i'm just saying like. One person. Okay. So you don't.

So one person. Like that's like. It's not like 30 people on their top one. No, I know. But one person. I mean, I feel like a lot of this dog stuff. Well, no. It's because I go out of town all the fucking time.

And it's like because I don't have. It's just. It's just. And that's why I just get like. I just get sad. Because like my parents. That they used. I used to be their number one, but that's just not possible anymore. Listen, there are lots of people listening right now who you have zero persons to.

Either you have no partner or your parents don't really love you enough because either they have other people or because they just are shitty parents or whatever. So I'm not alone. There's millions of people who have no one who they are the number one. But it is a sad realization when you do realize that if the world ended, no one would run to you. They would all run to something else to save. That is a sad realization. Let's get to the news.

You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. Oh, boy. I hope you're having all the swells out there. It heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. Oh boy, I hope you're having all the swells out there. It's Monday, folks. You know what that means. It is Monday. Max, if you're out there, let us know. Yeah, Max, do you

love me? Do you love her now? I fucking love her, dude. After what I saw, I'll come save you. Okay, what is the news today? I'll be a fourth year student one day. Is there a fourth year? Maybe third year.

I think he says he has one more year, yeah. I can't remember our conversation. I was just so drunk. All right, there's new research that shows an easy method to help investigators weed out liars. You ask a suspect to carry out an additional task while being questioned and you're more likely to accurately tell whether

they are telling the truth or not so people because lying takes so much focus exactly so like previous studies have shown that being dishonest and deceptive can strain the brain requiring considerably more cognitive energy than simply telling the truth. So if you want to find out if you've been cheated on, just hand your partner a Rubik's Cube and then start asking questions. And if they are squirrely

about it, because you can do, I can do anything. I can be on my phone and do something, you know, do a puzzle, you know, crossword puzzle and you can ask me about something. If I'm not lying, I might take a while to answer you, but there's not going to be a weird urgency to it. Or like, I can't do both!

Got you. Yeah, it's like rubbing your head and patting your stomach and telling someone you love them when you don't. Yes. Or saying that sentence and getting all the way through it. No, that's it i mean that it's so i mean cops kind of do that shit i feel like they always are giving like weird tests while asking you questions you know what i mean yeah yeah trying to distract you with it's like walk this line also tell me are you drunk drunk? Are you not drunk? How many drinks have you had? Right, right. I mean, I don't know.

Lying is so hard to do for me. It used to be something that I could do and feel totally fine about because it's just like, well, I need to get by. And they need to be in the dark about this thing or they don't need to know they look fat in that or whatever the fucking lie was or like i just need them to believe this thing and it's not gonna hurt anything and now it just like it just eats away at my soul because i'm just like

i i feel like i am i'm literally on the same spectrum as hit when I lie. Like there's some part of me that is nefarious, Machiavellian, looking up for myself, like I feel like a bad person. And a little lie that serves me, serves my comfort level over theirs, which would maybe, like the truth might hurt them or hurt me, feels like I'm just like, I feel like a bad person.

Do you ever have that when you lie well i feel like a lot of times when i've lied in the past it's been oh i just want to protect that person like that's like what you tell yourself i want to protect that person and now i realized oh and i've told the truth and you either have to discuss things farther it gets it gets better from telling the truth yeah unless it's a lie like there's certain i don't know like if someone's like you know oh did you know do i do these shoes what i don't know something like where you don't have to be completely not that you're but you don't have to say you look like shit yes you know what i mean like something you could say there are better

shoes there's better yeah whatever so i think like in the past I've lied to help others is how I would convince myself that it would be a thing. But now I realize, oh, no, that's bullshit. It's always for you. It's always for you. Yeah, it's always for me. But I lie. And, you know, there's like in the 12-step program, like, you know, there's this you make amends to people and you know there is there's like in the 12-step program like you know there's this you make amends to people and you apologize and you kind of like write the wrongs that you've

done in your life and you make a whole list of them and it says you know and you you make amends to those you have harmed unless unless it would cause further harm so there is that caveat of like listen yeah we don't need to do everything if it's going to like really injure this person's life to find out about this thing 10 years ago that you did that they don't need to know about. So there is that caveat within that that I always kind of go,

okay, well, if it's going to hurt them significantly, I don't need to like say everything. Like there's a, lies of omission are interesting. Yeah. It's like, and do you want to to maybe they're over it already or you know all right yeah it's someone asks you something yeah what about like also like the urgency to tell the truth but sometimes not always be like not

always being direct about it you know what i mean like sometimes the truth is very scathing and finding different ways of telling the truth that are more gentle yeah i don't feel like that's lying i like that i think that's okay like that's the thing of like do you do i look fat i think there are better shirts for you than that or that like that dress does not seem like it's the most flattering thing it's not saying yes you look fat but that's just being a little bit more gentle about it like you know that you know my publicist who was like your arms are skinnier than this picture do you want us to do something about it she was saying your arms are fat but that was a nice way of saying it in that picture in that picture but i mean regardless no no i'm just trying. Yeah, it's, yeah, I don't know what the answer is.

Even though I'm vigilant against lying, I still find myself doing it sometimes just to make it, you know, a little bit more reasonable why I was late. And, you know, even the other day when I was late getting on a pitch for a very important thing, I was actually in the middle of an Instagram Live

with Besties. I'm singing and I'm like, So you're leaving in the morning on the, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, and literally got off that so quickly. Got on this pitch five minutes late to a big network

and as it's loading, I'm like, what's my excuse? And I was just like, no i'm not gonna say i was i don't they don't need to know the whole truth i just got on and i said i have no excuse yeah i have no excuse i'm just late and it was just like it was fine i didn't need to make something up that's where i get really upset with people when they make something up when all you have to say is i'm late you don't need to give a reason unless people ask and then you can say it's probably refreshing to do that huh yeah how did people respond well that's what i always they didn't care at all they didn't say anything people always go

i can't go to that party because i were john caught a cold and it's just like no he didn't also you can tell someone you're not going to party how often do people go why i didn't want to go no one but no one asked why ever yeah if you go, why? I didn't want to go. No one, but no one asks why ever. Yeah. If you go, I can't go to that lunch anymore. Well, there is something.

No one says why. There is something though about like telling the truth to the extent where, like Noah was saying, where it could be mean, where that feels selfish too. Like,

you're not caring about how that person's gonna feel about the truth. Yeah, when you asked me if I wanted to go to your dad's, and I was like, no. When did that happen? That was cruel.

Can you write me an apology in a tough step? No, but I didn't say no because I don't like your dad, or no because I don't, like, care about your dad. It was just like, I'm not going to lie and say yes to that, because then that is, like, I don't know. I just wasn't fearing your response. But I also knew that just because I want to or don't want to doesn't mean that I won't do it. But it's a different question.

Will you and do you want to are two different answers. Yeah. So you can say, no, I don't want to go to eat at this restaurant, but I will. I'm not really feeling that kind of food but I will but I'm not gonna go yeah yummy sounds good because then all of a sudden you're gonna think I like Indian food and we're gonna go there the next time you for my birthday dinner that you surprised me with and I'll go why did you think I like this well because you said you were in the mood for it that one night well I wasn't I was just trying to be I didn't matter to me and I was just trying to be appeasing oh well i guess i'll just cancel these plane flights

to new delhi is that what your dad was yeah yeah yeah he's always in a new one all right next story okay i think three people at home got it um a pest control company is offering two thousand dollars to families willing to let them unleash 100 cockroaches in their homes to test out a specific pest control technique and see how effective it is. $2,000 to release them? And then they prompt, is there any guarantee? There's no guarantee.

It's an experiment that lasts about 30 days. And if at the end of the experiment, they don't get rid of the roaches, they'll use the traditional method. 30 days. Wait, do they get more money if they don't get rid of them? No, just $2,000. For $2,000, 100,000 roaches. 100 roaches.

Only 100 cockroaches. Oh, 100 roaches. But they multiply fast, you know. It's a gimmick. This is a stunt because they know that they're going to kill these roaches but they multiply fast you know here's it's a it's a gimmick this is a stunt because they're they know that they're gonna kill these roaches they might also kill your cat in 10 years from whatever cancer they lick up from the fucking windowsill well they said yes i'm sure it's not toxic but um i was wondering though have you guys ever done anything crazy for money? Like a quick buck or anything?

I'm trying to think of like what. Like an odd job you took maybe? I mean, every show we did at first was stand up. Yeah, I think that. Driving in like three hours for $10. That wasn't for money though. It was for stage time. No, I know.

So it wasn't about the money, but I'm trying to think of like big amounts of money that you do something crazy for. I think. I mean, being a dog walker. I feel like I've, being a dog walker, but that, yeah, that was for money. That was just to get by.

That was for stage time though, I guess. Yeah, that was eventually. Put it together. Noah, do you have anything of like a, I once worked in like an alternative healing facility that this like rich woman ran out of her basement and i gave like these light therapy things to people and they would like get naked in front of me and i like whoa yeah but it was just hooked up with this um because i worked at a health food store and

this lady was a customer and she just had so much money that she it wasn't even like a an approved business so i think i was doing that illegally wait wait what would you do i was you would like give light therapy to naked people yeah like i would shine colored lights on them and tell them that it was healing or like rub like an infrared light on them. Well, I would totally believe that because your voice is so healing. I bet it was. How many times did you do it, you think?

We would do like these foot baths. Like I would give them foot baths, which is they put their feet in like this contraption and it's supposed to like suck out all the metals from their bodies and it was just like this disgusting water. Oh my God, all this bullshit. Oh, really? Whoa.

How long did you do this for? I mean, I've taken gigs before for a lot of money that I would never have taken if the money hadn't been the money. Like embarrassing gigs, bad gigs. Oh, I did that one gig for the Coke Brothers. What was their name? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God.

That was horrible. I didn't know. Sometimes you just don't know at the time. They gave you the name? Oh yeah. Oh my god. That was horrible. I didn't know. Sometimes you just don't know at the time. They gave you like what? 500 bucks. Oof. What was the name of them? The Coke brothers I think. Yes. The OCH. It was their nephew and I did it and it was in the back of a

like expensive fancy Palm Beach restaurant. I was like a clown that they brought in. Yes. And they gave me no microphone. I just stood in the corner. How'd they find you? He saw me do really well at the improv. And then he asked the headliner to do the show.

And the headliner was like, now I'm going back to LA. And he's like, do you want to do it then? And I was like, yeah. Oh, my God. And I had five minutes. And he wanted me to do a half hour. Did you know it was going to be a half hour before you did it? I knew it was going to be like 20 or 30 minutes. He's like, you was gonna be like 20 or 30 minutes like you gotta do like 20 or 30 minutes and i was like that's

fine but i thought i was gonna have a stage and like a whole thing it was just a back private room and they were like eating lobster and there was no microphone no microphone no god dude i just stood in the corner and my i had a lot of act out so like doing act out like your act out i did like some buddy joke and where i'm fucking the wall so i'm like fucking this wall in this billion dollar wait what's the fuck buddy joke i say i've never been a fuck buddy i've been a spoon buddy and i've gone for the fuck and the girl's like um no we're just spoon buddies and so i'm leaving i'm walking out and i i would do the whole act out of like you know i'm

a spoon buddy but i go for the fuck you know and then they're like well you know and it's and then it's rapey but you know you know where you dropped it and then i know it gets worse actually and then i go i'm leaving i'm walking out i'm all sad and a six five black guy in all leather i put him in all leather i don't know why I put him in all leather. I don't know why I put him in all leather. And the joke comes walking by. And before I get to the end, before I get to the corner, I could hear her screaming. Oh, my God.

You were such a little cuck. This is like your cuck fantasy. I know. But listen. So then I go, I found out a week later. Yeah, he robbed her. Oh, my God. Of her virginity. You racist fuck fucks and then i spin it again

but he robbed her in florida would just destroy you know because people are racist and um so i did that joke but he's in all leather for no reason i don't know why he's in all yeah he has like a gift mask on but you do have a thing where like you you sometimes will watch black guys have sex with a white girl on porn. Oh, yeah. And you just enjoy it because their dicks are so big. I just like it because they could do all the positions I wish I could. They could fuck from five rooms down.

It's like, oh, hey, you want to come over? I'm already there. Look outside my dicks at the window. Yeah, yeah. I'm sure there's something to that. Is there anything cuck is there anything about you like do you like any of that porn where the guy's in the corner no sad no i don't like that i don't like that i really don't um that's a huge part of porn is cuck stuff really like the husband or the

boyfriend is just like kind of sad in the corner no i'm not in that doesn't turn me on i think i i think i want what's maybe i i i feel that way a little bit of like but you wouldn't want to celebrate it yeah but i wouldn't want to celebrate it maybe i'll watch something that maybe you're not a masochist i don't think you don't want to be embarrassed or made fun of in bed you want to feel better about yourself yeah but some men get really horny to feel emasculated well that's probably because in real life they feel like they're an alpha yes yes yes I listen to Conan O'Brien Jeff Goldblum on there yes

yes ah yes my dear boy yeah that's Goldblum he's I couldn't be more horny for anyone than Jeff Goldblum he's the coolest you gotta listen to him on that he just seems like the best person in the world. Let's take a quick break and we'll come back with Why Do I Care?

2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early, well, How to Money will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right. How to Money comes out three times

a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out, we want to raise awareness, and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, and I'm an investigative journalist. When a group of models from the UK wanted my help, I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy model.

Lingerie, topless. I said, yes, please. Because at the centre of this murky world is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his pattern of behavior. He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it. He's everywhere and has been everywhere. It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated. Together, we're going to expose him and the rotten industry he works in. It's not just me. We're an army in comparison to him.

Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager. Responsible and driven, and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened, and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours,

stalls and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community, and I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps. Listen to Crumbs as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network.

Available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Dr. Laurie Santos, and to welcome the new year, my podcast, The Happiness Lab, is releasing a series of happiness how-to guides to help you in 2025. I'll distill the wisdom of world-class experts into easy-to-digest, actionable tips. It's about never feeling good enough. I feel like I'm always failing. You'll learn how to handle relationships, how to be inspiring, and how to find your purpose. We make it this big pie-in-the-sky thing, and then of course we're all frustrated

because no one knows how to get there. Struggling with tough emotions? We have a how-to guide. Worried that you're not enough? We got you. Self-obsessed and want to get over yourself? There's a guide for that too. The ability to approach somebody

and make them experience desire for you in minutes or even hours is a rare and rather unnecessary skill, historically speaking. The Happiness Lab's How To Season starts January 1st. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right. Why do I care? Why do I care? I think you're going to care about this. Taylor Swift reveals she had imposter syndrome while directing

All Too Well, the short film, during her conversation with filmmaker Mike Mills. She should have. She said, I think I had this in mind. No, it's honest. In the name of being honest, what was that line? Oh, good job, Andrew. What is the line?

Mean, cruel, and... Okay, anyways, go ahead, sorry. Call me up again just to break me, like I promised. So casually cruel in the name of being honest. Good job. Here's what she said. She goes, I think I had this imposter syndrome in my head. And then she said, no, you don't do that. Other people do that who went to school to direct.

And then Mills, who's a critically acclaimed director, goes, I didn't go to school to do that to which Taylor responded oh it's fantastic to know that that makes me feel better yeah well I read this and I was so excited because I thought she was saying she has imposter syndrome about her music because I you know that to me would be really reassuring because she's amazing at music and it's, you know, she's undeniably a genius and that would make me feel good because I have

imposter syndrome when it comes to comedy, when it comes to everything I'm undeniably good at or like that people would go, well, that's what you do. Um, but for her to have imposter syndrome when she's a director, she,

no offense, she should, she's never like she directed the man the music video and then she directed this she's doesn't everyone that does something for the first time this is her first short film she ever directed which it's kind of a music video because the whole time it's playing music except a couple scenes um she should feel you you do there should be like another word for it right you are an imposter you're pretending to be you're doing it for the first time

she did a great job of it and she is a she's just an artist throughout her bones like she could write a book and it would be just like someone's you know 18th novel I mean she's that talented that she she was just a noob

she was a noob when he came to, she's that talented that she can knock another book right away. She was a noob when he came to direct it. She's a noob, but not an, you know, but you should, no one should go into directing their first short film and feel like I'm a director. That would be insane. The only thing I would say is that she has been in so many music videos over the years.

She understands story. Yes, I agree. But even though I've been. No, but I think there should be like another word for it too but then at what point do you go do you just take you know i feel like there's a a line where you go i gotta take the reins if i'm gonna be a director i'm gonna fucking direct as opposed to like i'm sorry i'm i've never done this before you know i mean there's got to Well, imposter syndrome is like you keep it. I think the part of it is that you don't talk about it. You don't act like you have it.

It's all like hidden beneath the surface. And you only talk about having imposter syndrome after you've succeeded. You don't talk about it during it. I mean, I do, but it just didn't soothe me to learn that about her because she wasn't saying it about the thing that I say it about,

which is the thing you do best real imposter syndrome is when if you're Taylor Swift and you think that all the Grammys you won and all the things that all the how famous you are for your music is based on you tricking people and them not really having good taste and like you actually being at your core not good that's imposter syndrome so Taylorlor as much as i want to give it to you you're not like us in terms of you have good self-esteem like i wish you didn't because i want to be more related to you and i want to feel closer to you so i was so excited when i saw taylor swift says she's in has imposter syndrome like if she thinks she's an imposter with how amazing she is but then it was about directing and i was like yeah you are like we're everyone who tries something new for the first time has

imposter syndrome that would be that's not notable to me but i do i did love that conversation she had with him and she i thought she had a very clever thing that i almost was like wow she has like a very she's she's funny she's such a good performer like she could be a she could be an amazing comedian like she's so she just knows how to perform in every way. But at the end of it, so she's talking about the short film she did with this director who she really admires. And she is so intelligent and has studied directors and studied film. I mean, this girl does her – she's a genius. She really is.

And so at the end of it, she you know she's talking about the 10 minute version of all too well and at the end of it they finish their little like discussion and she goes one more thing um do you guys have 10 minutes to spare and that was like to kick off and then she gets her acoustic guitar and plays all too well which i haven't watched that some besties sent me a clip of it but i can't wait to watch it it just came out this morning um so i love her so much and i love the outfit she wore. I love that she didn't look. It's funny. It's like the only song I can think of where the amount of time,

like everyone knows it's a 10-minute version. Like Bob Dylan has some songs. We know the one, Hurricane, which is probably around 10 minutes. Yes. But there's no other songs that you know it by. By the length. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, the eight minute uh i think november rain's like 11 minutes which one's 11 minutes november rain november

really yeah wow well the thing with the people know 10 minutes because all too well the first version was like five and a half we didn't call it the five and a half minute song but we always knew yeah he's always knew about a 10 minute version of all too well tell me that version that's like all we knew it as was the 10 minute version of all too well so when it came out it was just like this is the 10 minute and it's a perfect thing because when i'm running and i want to run for 40 minutes i'm like i'll listen to all too well four times four songs is all i have to listen to and it just like makes it, it just for some reason. I'm not going to run that long. I'm going to do the three minute version.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about a 20 minute Tim McGraw? That's what I want. I want a 20. I do not want that. She just. You sing Tim McGraw. I'll be thinking me.

I do like that song. I like everything she does. All right, let's get to top one, bottom one. What's the category today, Noah? Today's category is school subjects. I thought you were going to say shootings. Okay. Because we all know.

We don't even need to do that. My favorite is Columbine. School subjects. School subjects. So we'll start with bottom. Okay. Let's start with bottom. My least favorite school subject is science or math.

You can't do two. Okay. Just because you say it fast. Okay. Pre-calc. Pre-calc. There you go. Okay.

Pre-calc. I don't understand. Sucked. That's chemistry and pre-calc. When we were starting to get into those kind of math equations. Did you do calc? Did you get to calc? No.

Did you do college algebra? Which is such a funny name. Algebra? No, I never did college algebra either. Such a funny name for a high school subject. Oh man, when I was done with math, I remember being done with math in high school and going, I'll never be in a math class again.

I had to in college, take one. But I really thought nothing, my life will not lead, nothing I want to do has anything to do with math. I will never need it. And it was so great when, and I didn't have to take math my senior year because I did pre-calc and that was it. When you look at numbers, like what was it that you remember that you hated so much? I liked equations.

I liked like solving for x, y. I liked algebra. Something about, it just, I would just have to memorize these things that i just didn't i just didn't understand i just i don't know what i didn't understand i just did it parabolas like measuring like curves and stuff yes yes i just didn't care about axes i didn't like having a big old bulky calculator that would just you know that you would type it seemed like cheating to me, but then at the same time, it was hard.

You type in all these things in a calculator and then it makes a little graph for you. Oh, the functions. I hate functions. I just hated that stuff. And I wasn't naturally good at it. So I was just like, I never want to do this. And then, of course, gym.

Number one is gym. Gym, gym, gym. What? That's the only class I like. Sorry, number one is gym. Number one is gym. Number one is gym. I'm sorry. That was mine mine you hate jim more than math oh absolutely i would be for me was also i still have oh my god i still have dreams where how great we have these we

used to have these ab schedules where it was like or like every day you would drop like no this is what we did we every day you would drop a different class and it would go in order like so monday you wouldn't have first hour it would just be second through seventh then the second day it would be one and then you skip two and then next day and i still have dreams where it's skipping fourth period and fourth period was always gym and i'd be like yes i still have dreams having to go to gym getting stressed out about changing what what activity we were going to do that day that i was going to be embarrassed because i did no like this is why i can't go to pickleball with chris and his family because i cannot have i don't like learning something new and being so bad at it

can i tell you wait hold on in my school we didn't even change for gym and if jim would be in the middle of the day we would just like be in our sweaty jeans and t-shirts. And you get so sweaty after. Yeah, that's the problem with Jim. I would prefer that, to be honest. Because back then, when you change, I was always worried about what my outfit looked like, if my shorts were cute enough, if my sports bra was cute.

And then you have to get naked in front of the girls in the locker room. I mean, that was a whole... And then you don't shower either. You just change back into the clothes before. Yeah, that's bad. That's bad. That was almost grosser to me than just staying in the into the clothes before. Yeah, that's bad. That's bad. That was almost grosser to me than just staying in the clothes.

But yes, no, that is disgusting. And what I hated about it, why it's my bottom, is because I did not, and still to this day, like I don't run in front of people. I don't like people seeing me run. Really? I just feel so stupid. Interesting.

What about like ball sports sports hand-eye coordination sports and stuff like that oh and that i'm no good at that either i just like i felt so stupid and i felt like everyone would be looking at me especially if we would pick teams and stuff for dodgeball which is what we used to play in public school i was i just hated it dodgeball fucking fuck dodgeball fuck Fuck all those sports. I love them. I really hated sports. And you know what?

No one talks about this, but we are not alone. There are so many people that don't like gym out there, but I remember it was always the subject that everyone had to love. And I almost felt dumb that I didn't like it because it was every boy's favorite thing. It was every sporty girl's.

It was this blow-off class. But for me, I didn't care about my grade. That was not a part of it. It was just embarrassing. Constant embarrassment. Constant chronic worrying. Did you play with the boys, I think? Yeah, we had co-ed.

Yeah, co-ed. But then we also had separate at some point. But sometimes we would combine, and it was just like, this is hell. I would rather get my period and slip on it and break my leg and not have to do this than have to do this and have like a bad form. It was such a relief for me to do gym because I had such bad ADD that it was the only place I could really lean into that. So it's like, oh, run and get a ball and not think and sit in a chair.

And you were naturally born an athlete. I'm in a chair like this. You're an NBA. I'm like this the whole time I'm in a classroom. And I'm doodling because I can't look at the board. Like I was a mess. Oh, boy. I didn't even realize it.

Like now when I think back, you know, just. You don't fidget that much anymore. I mean, i did an impression of you this weekend that was pretty accurate well if you told me that i have to watch something and not be able to talk and not be able to move yeah that's that's that's it it's crazy that you have to sit in a fucking chair as a kid just sit there and listen to a fucking boring the guy doesn't even they don't even try to spice it up no you're right it's it's excruciating um what's your bottom okay i would say i would say um chemistry yeah i thinking back i'm like i think i should have found that interesting because it is kind of cool to like

like how does shit work you know like like i don't know physics i don't even know if i took physics but i the idea of physics i think i would hate it i don't know i just don't even know if i took physics but i the idea of physics i think i would hate it i don't know i just didn't it didn't sit with my brain i didn't i loved it whatever number one was probably but history i really liked so your number one is history if it couldn't be gym right right right if we're eliminating gym as your bottom is chemistry your top is history history history also for me not in my top because there's too much of it and i'll never be able to know it all at least with chemistry and math there is i know there's infinite numbers but there's a there's a there's a there's a

history like yeah i can learn about the cold war but i don't know what's happening individually to different places like different like they're different battles then if you go even more micro there's people within those battles. And it's like, there's too many things. Yeah. I was just good at it. Spark notes of it. I think I was just good at it.

Like memorizing things. I could just, I could do it really well. I don't know why. Memorizing. Like, do you, do you still know, like, do you know when the cold war was? Like, I still have, I don't know what the, I don't know what the cold war was. I can probably give you a kind of around the dates, but i don't know what the i don't know what the cold war was i can probably give you a kind of around the dates but i don't know what it was i know that it was about like russia and arms issues and stuff but that's it 70s 80s yeah yeah um i wasn't gonna

say that but let's just pretend i was i just want to be honest with you guys was not gonna i just love that you pick like a history like that was like the most latest war it's like when was the when was but i really don't that's the cold war and the korean war and world war one are the ones that i'm very like those are the ones i should know don't know a lot about took ap us did very well in it because i would just go from one to the next and then dump all of it out of my brain as soon as i learned one i would go to the next one you know why i think i liked it because you just have to memorize no it didn't really take too much reading comprehension you just had to memorize oh so it was just so straightforward you know like english it's like what does this story mean to you or like that's what i like

about it because then you can bolt you can make anything yeah that's true too that's a good point yeah number one for me was english no doubt no doubt yeah like because you can just anything up. Yeah, that's true too. That's a good point. Yeah, number one for me was English, no doubt, no doubt. Yeah. Like, because you can just... That's a good point. I never really thought about it that way. You could just bullshit your... And what are you going to argue my point? And it's being a comedian.

It's just like taking ideas and being like, oh, how does this mean to me? And then someone goes, whoa, that's brilliant. And you can... And like, I just realized early on

that you can just... If you have a strong enough opinion about something and have stuff to back it up and have... And five paragraph essays just and have stuff to back it up, and five paragraph essays just made sense to me. First sentence, get their attention. Second sentence, set up a little bit more of what you're gonna say.

Third sentence, present your thesis. Third paragraph, third paragraph. No, third sentence of the first paragraph. Then the last paragraph, tell them what you're gonna do. And then the next thing. Okay, then the first paragraph, or the second paragraph, set up your first idea. Third paragraph set up the second like it just was like fill in the blanks almost maybe because i just didn't like my english there's also like teachers the teacher could

be a huge teachers oh my god i thought my mom my mom actually this is weird that you actually picked this one noah or even suggested because i had a math teacher that i just loved the math because he believed in me and like he like i don't know he made me feel seen he was also my basketball it is teachers um mr gordon great guy if you're out there mr gordon you're fucking thank you so my mom's friend is a teacher and she used to work she was my english teacher in eighth grade but my science teacher in eighth grade printed out a page from my middle school, eighth grade yearbook that I had written in her yearbook.

Final thought. Yeah, this is Mrs. Baldwin, I guess, remembered me and now knows who I've become and now found my entry because it didn't. I think she remembered it because she should.

I mean, this is insane. I'm a little, such a little brown noser, but I think she remembered it because she should i mean this is insane i'm a little such a little brown noser but i think i meant it miss baldwin was awesome she was my scientist during eighth grade if i would have continued to have her she probably would have kept me interested in science but i wrote dear mrs baldwin when i look back on this year i realize i've learned so much from you before this class science was something i could really could barely understand and still get away with a good grade but with you i've realized that this is that is not what science is all about you taught me how to work hard for what grade i want i love science so much now the trf has the tropical rainforest has always been one of the things i've wanted to learn about

and you taught me so much about it your class class was all, was my fave at North, was the school I went to, all three years. You were one of the best teachers in the world. I hope that next year I will see you. Thanks for a year of great fun. P.S. You taught me more about science than I have been taught

and I, than I have ever been taught. And I hope to see, I hope to pursue a career in that field. Thanks to you. Love always, Nikki Glaser. Aw.

That's really sweet. To my eighth grade teacher, it's like, was I in love with her? What's going on with me? And here's this Dave Matthews song. No, I wasn't into him yet. That was two years away. But I really latched on to teachers. I loved them so much, and I wanted them to love me.

It brings us back around. No one loves me. Yes, they do I don't write to me and go Nikki I love you you can write to me and say I relate to you not feeling loved but please don't write to me that you love I know people love me I know but I'm just no one's number one and I

have no one to watch my TV show with like that is a sad thing like I'm I've I've literally become Britney Spears in the song lucky do you know that song I've talked about before Spears in the song Lucky. Do you know that song? I've talked about it before. It's my favorite song.

I used to, in eighth grade, I used to sing it. And I remember making my bed one day and thinking, I hope someday I can sing the song and it is my life. Because I wanted to be famous. Not because I wanted to cry, cry, cry in my lonely heart. Thinking, if there's something missing in my life, then why do, if there's nothing missing in my life then why do these tears come at night i literally manifested that song lucky it is my life early morning i wake up a knock knock knock on the door from andrew being

like hey are you up yet it's time for makeup perfect smile that it's you they're all waiting for isn't she lucky this hollywood girl she's so lucky. She's a star, but she cried, cried, cries in her lonely heart thinking, if there's nothing missing in my life, then why do these tears come at night? Lost in an image, in a dream, but there's no one there to wake her up. The world is a spinning, but she keeps on winning. And tell me, what happens when it stops? Isn't she lucky? Isn't she lovely, this Hollywood girl?

Then why do these tears come at night I mean this is so me like there's something about you have a tv show following your life yet when it comes when it's the premiere when it's the finale of the show and it's going away and everyone's like texting you oh my god are you gonna watch it you're alone in your apartment in your bed crying because you have no friends that is my life i'm not wanting to be pitied i'm just saying that is that is the don't project perfection onto anyone ever it helps me actually to realize that because people think you have it all together there's a show where it's like nikki doesn't know she's gonna move to la or st louis oh my god her life is so full and uh legit

have no one to watch it with yes noah was kind and asked me if i wanted to watch on facetime with her but that i just for some reason does anyone relate to that of not wanting to watch face do facetime just seek or the phone to hang out with people like you want it in person yeah i mean look of course i mean i don't know how to respond to all this i think you have girlfriends i think st louis you don't know how to respond to all this. I think you have girlfriends. I think St. Louis, you don't have girlfriends here. But to say that you have no friends, you're really looking into the negative right now, I feel like. Well, you can say that all you want. I literally don't have anyone in my life where I live.

Yes, I do have girlfriends. But honestly, they all have boyfriends or husbands. Every single one of them. I have no one who is just down to hang with just me. There's no one that's like, I mean, I have to pay people to do that. It's pretty sad. Start us off with a rap. Things are so happy here.

Everyone's smiling. We're all dialing in to see the finale. We're all best friends watching it, eating popcorn, having laughs, just number ones all around isn't this fun everything's a great time well i was gonna walk luigi before i left i gotta go to the doctor which one well it's the the proc no it's another one it's the one who talks about your feelings when you sit there with your boyfriend on the couch and then i'm gonna say ouch because i'm going to get my feelings hurt

just like his are. We're going to couples therapy. Is it working so far? Who knows what's going to happen? I've got to go. I have 20 minutes to get there. I'm going to be late. Fuck.

Thanks, guys, for listening. I love you so much. My English teacher. Oh, good. Not mine, though. All right. Wait, what? Okay.

Don't be cut. And Jack. Jack be nimble. Jack be quick. Jack sat on? Huh? Okay. Don't be cut and Jack. Jack be nimble. Jack be quick. Jack sat on this big fat dick. Fuck. Is that? That's got to be an old wives tale.

Have we done that before? No. You probably have. That's only something you used to scream on the bus. I added fat. That's skinny. Weather. Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer.

If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money podcast. Make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch your pesky credit card debt once and for all. Make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. John Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more.

Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love.

That's right. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. With a blend of humor, vulnerability, and authenticity, we share our personal journeys navigating our 30s, tackling the complexities of modern relationships, and engage in thought-provoking discussions that challenge societal expectations. From groundbreaking interviews with diverse guests to relatable stories that will resonate with your experiences, Decisions Decisions is going to be your go-to source for the open dialogue about what it truly means

to love and connect in today's world. Get ready to reshape your understanding of relationships and embrace the freedom of authentic connections. Tune in and join the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

The OGs of uncensored motherhood are back and badder than ever. I'm Erica. And I'm Mila. iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcastitty women, then this is your tribe. Listen to the Good Moms Bad Choices podcast every Wednesday on the Black Effect Podcast Network, the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you go to find your podcast. We want to speak out and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, an investigative journalist,

and this is my journey deep into the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy, my doll. He was like, I'll take you to the top, I'll make you a star. To expose an alleged predator and the rotten industry he works in. It's honestly so much worse than I had anticipated. We're an army in comparison to him. From Novel, listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.