The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #236 Piece of Seaweed

Episode Date: June 17, 2022

Show announcement! We will be on vacation next week. Unfortunately Nikki's airBNB might be a little much. However, she might get the sex tape she's always secretly wanted. The Fully Loaded Festival w/ Bert Kreischer is coming up and Nikki tells Andrew how she feels about being on a tour bus. EJ got the heaviest gift certificate for Father's Day, Andrew might listen to Nikki's advice about being a mailbox and jealousy is nefarious. You Heard It Here First, don't get drunk and try to sell your car and women don't have enough orgasms from penetration. Besties leave fun voicemails in the Fanthrax segment. And Nikki might finally have a cool night sleep when she gets home from vacation. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money Podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch

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Presented by Elf Beauty, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. People, my people, what's up? This is Questlove. Man, I cannot believe we're already wrapping up another season of Questlove Supreme. Man, we've got some amazing guests lined up to close out the season. But, you know, I don't want any of you guys to miss all the incredible conversations we've had so far. I mean, we talked to A. Marie, Johnny Marr, E., Jonathan Schechter, Billy Porter, and so many more.

Look, if you haven't heard these episodes yet, hey, now's your chance. You gotta check them out. Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am.

Welcome to the show. It's Thursday. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. I'm Nikki. Andrew's here. Yo, yo, yo, yo. Noah's here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Guess who won't be here next week? Right out of the gate, we got to tell you guys, we are taking a vacation next week. No shows. No shows. Sorry to tell you this way. You had to find out somehow. But we deserve it. What are you guys going to do on your week off?

Nothing. I was just about to ask you. Really? You have no plans? I'm going to Florida. None. Except I'm going to hit a lot of golf balls. Well, there you go.

You're going to Florida? Mm-hmm. What part? It's going to hit a lot of golf balls. Well, there you go. You're going to Florida? Mm-hmm. What part? It's going to be by the beach. Next to Boca? The part by the beach. Oh. Yeah.

I like their burgers. I have been there. Boca burgers. Yeah. I think that was like the original veggie burger. Oh, yeah. What were in them? Who knows?

Probably like peanut. Probably meat. Yeah. The first veggie burger was like light meat. So are you going with Avi? Yeah, I'm going with Avi. I'm going to be with my nephew. Did you rent an Airbnb hotel?

What's the sitch? No. Flights are so expensive. Luckily, my brother and sister-in-law have a place there. So we're going to stay with them. Spend some time with my nephew and that's it just relax and it's for how many days um going from monday to saturday when you stay with your sister and um your brother and sister-in-law is that right yeah

when you stay with them do you feel like pressure to hang and like do things that like that's the only problem I have with staying at someone's house is you have to be like on their schedule um and I I start to panic that like they're gonna get they're gonna think I sleep too late they're gonna think I go to bed too late they're gonna eat weird at weird times i'm gonna have to like do activities that they want to do any fears of that or are you just very much like i used to feel that way but we rented a car so we could be independent yes uh my sister-in-law is going to be working um so like everyone kind of has like their own like sphere of like stuff going on yes uh

avi's friend is actually here visiting us for the week and we gave him our car so he like went to the museum and he's doing all these things on his own and then at the end of the day we meet up we hear about his day and we do some things together yes love it people that go and visit people that like live in a city and you stay with them don't expect them to be your tour guide. Have your own shit planned. Yeah. I don't like that. And also, if you have people stay at your house,

don't expect those people to hang out with you all the time. Both of you. Everyone needs to start taking care of themselves a little bit better in this world. I think that so many people are like, you know, oh, we have these people coming.

We have to entertain them. I'm like, no, you don't. You're doing them a favor by letting them stay at your house. You do not need to throw them parties and dinners. And it's like, where's my Excel spreadsheet of all the museum. I'm like,

buy a book called explore St. Louis. Yeah. Like that's not our responsibility. This isn't the nineties where you have to like rely on word of mouth about what to do around. Is supper ready? Is supper. Yeah. Supper's at seven, right? No, I want to hear about what to do around is supper ready is supper yeah supper's at seven

right no i want to hear about what you're doing because i think you have something i'm going to denver i'm going yeah i'm flying from toronto to denver i'm meeting um kirsten at the airport and then we are going to um get an airbnb which i just got a message from the person who's our host, who's like, hey, so I'm going to be there when you check in. I don't want hosts checking me in. I want to find a key underneath a rock, or I want to find a – I don't want to talk to someone. I'm a fan. I would love to meet you and show you how to work the hot tub.

Can I cancel my reservation then? Because I don't want this This is not what I want The thing is you sometimes want to sign up Under your name to be like Hey maybe give me a deal if you know my name But at the same time you never get a deal You only have to deal with people

Is it a guy or girl? A guy I'm sure he's a nice guy and a fan But he's like oh we'll show you how to work the jacuzzi And also it'd be cool to meet you Are you paying for that? You show you how to work the jacuzzi and also it'd be cool to meet you is that are you paying for that you show up he's in there do a meet and greet he's in the jacuzzi he's like yeah come on in it's it's warm you hit the button right here when i get there are you gonna see your friend katherine yes so katherine my best friend send her first because she looks just like you. She could be like your sister.

That's a good idea. Have her impersonate you. Have her wear big glasses. Or just have her say, hey, I'm sending my assistant. Oh, yeah. But she has two kids. So she's not even staying there.

It's going to be me and Kirsten. And then the next day, my sister is coming into town. I'm flying her there. And we're going to have three days all together. And then we're going to go see Barenaked Ladies and Gin Blossoms. And someone else, Toad the Wet Sprocket at Red Rocks on Wednesday.

Toad. Toad, man. I don't know any Toad songs, but I know Gin Blossoms. I definitely know one. I'm sure I know one. It's slow. I know it's slow. Froggy Wind, a-courting down by the river's high.

That's it. Bringing me back, man. I just picture any... It's so weird that a toad sings about frogs. That's all they do. It's all amphibian based. Hip, hop, I have it to the... Yeah, they only do...

Yeah. Wait, so it's annoying because he puts that out there and then you kind of feel... I believe I eat flies. I believe I got bug eyes. Yes. I think about it on my lily pad. I croak at night and I feel so bad.

I keep the people who live next to the swamp up. I thought you were going to say shore. It wasn't something shore. Yeah. No, but it sucks that you have have to feel like any bit of like feeling like i can't meet you like that like oh like how does someone not know that that's just like it happens with every interaction i have online i bought a guitar and it was someone's like i can just deliver it to you at your show in baltimore how much are tickets i can get you free tickets yeah bring me the guitar

um it doesn't seem like it's gonna work it's just like everything ebay like is this the nikki glace listen i am flattered yeah but i wanted to just add to my experience not take from it yeah i want someone to throw in a free guitar pick i don't want to have to take a guitar picture people are a lot airbnb is getting a lot of hate these days. Well, there's all these new apps where you can download and see if there's other, if there's video cameras there.

Oh yeah, that one guy had 10 cameras that are like inside everything. What? Please record me and put out a sex tape. Put out a tape, please. My star needs to rise.

I've always said this. I would be horrified if a sex tape was leaked. But secretly, I would be horrified if a sex tape was leaked but secretly I would be I would feel invaded I would feel raped in a way

I would be very I would have to go to therapy to deal with the invasion of privacy with the fame but I would make money off of it in the long run so I'm not saying

give a gift to people and invade their privacy and put something out there I do not want it I will never seek it I will never I will always I don't even have a sex tape people and invade their privacy and put something out there. I do not want it. I will never seek it. I will never. I will always. I don't even have a sex tape.

So there's nothing that they could even get. But if I ever make one and it gets out, only good things for my career. You're like, I didn't know a camera was there. It's like there were four camcorders and a boom guy. It's like I had no idea. I had no idea. That teddy bear. That guy had a teddy bear. He had a lampshade on his head it was really

concealed him well i thought it was a coughing lamp well those cameras are kind of funny because they like they put them in like you know like a sprinkler head or whatever and it's pretty they're pretty obvious if you shine a supposed to shine a flashlight into things and if it comes back a blue colors i don't even know like the thing you do I don't even understand like I would do it and go and whatever it would show is like clearly a camera and I'd be like that means it's not a camera like it's just these little things that you go I love

a hotel give me a hotel over an Airbnb's are great though have you ever stayed in one yeah yeah yeah plenty of times I just like a hotel I think a hotel is just like everything it's the opposite of a house. I don't want another house. But hotels are more expensive.

That's why people don't do them as often. Yeah. And you don't get as much space. You don't have a common. If you have more than seven people. Or like I'm doing a trip coming up. And I might have like nine people. Then it makes sense.

Yeah. It's like it's too many. And you need. you can't, and it's just nice to hang out with the people you're with at the end of the night and like, you know, hang out and talk. Are you flying? We have a jacuzzi, of course,

that he used to teach me how to use. Are you flying from Toronto to? To Uzi. To Detroit or coming here first? Toronto to Denver. Or Denver, I mean. Straight to Denver. And then from Denver, I'm going right to South Carolina

to go on the Burt Kreischer fully loaded tour. Four dates, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, in a bus. So fun. I'm scared. Yeah, I can see how that could be a little frightening. I mean, I just am thinking about how am I going to get ready? I have tons of bags of stuff. I have to consolidate in a bus.

It's going to be dark doing my makeup. I know that the venues have showers and stuff, so I'm just going to be showering at the venue and stuff. By the last day, you're just going to be in overalls and a straw hat. I know. Drinking again. I'm going to look like Bert. This is when you should go topless.

You should out-topless him and just wear tassels or something that would be hilarious to to go topless dude it would be the funniest thing ever yeah what if you had burt's face as the nipple that would be great if i was in slightly better shape i would do it i really would who knows by then um that is a good idea. But yeah, I'm a little bit nervous about... I'm just nervous about being on a tour that is... Who's on it with you? I don't know. Well, I do know them.

Big J, me, Joey Diaz, Chelsea Lynn, who I'm really excited about too. And then I think one other person might be on it. Mark Norman. Oh, hey. So it's all good. And I love Bert. It's all friends. It's going to be fun.

But it's just... And it's boom, boom, boom, boom. Have you ever stayed on a bus? Yeah, I was going to ask the same. I don't think so. I don't think so. I know there's no shitting on the bus. I know the rules. Oh.

There's no way that Bert Kreischer isn't shitting on a bus. That's all he's doing. Yeah. I'm surprised he doesn't sleep in there. I think that was the name of his last special. Shitting on a bus. You know how they do it? Like on, from what I hear hear from bands they take a plastic

bag they put it over the toilet kind of like a garbage bag in a bin yeah pooping that tie it up and then throw it out like a like a dog like a the way you pick up dog shit dave matthews didn't do that dave matthews and then you dump it in the chicago river don't drink the water um was that written before or after? It was written before. That day? I mean, whoever made the connection, I definitely did not come up with that myself.

Still, it's so funny. I had a friend do that one time in, we were in Czech Republic and there's no water in the toilets. So he was nervous. Shit in a bag. And didn't he leave it there or something? Yeah, he left it on the windowsill

and then walked out and then the girl went in and showered. He's like, my shit's in there. I'm like, what are you talking about? His shit was just on the window. He was trying to hook up with her. They were pretty girls. Dude, that happened at a party in high school.

I won't say which one of my friends did it, but she pooped in a bathroom. We were at a popular person's party. And it was right off the kitchen. And she went in there. She pooped. Off the kitchen shit? Yeah, dude. That's dangerous. Off the kitchen shit? Yeah, dude. That's dangerous.

And the toilet wasn't flushing and she came back to the party and was just like wide-eyed and she was like, we have to go, we have to go. And we left and she was like, it wouldn't flush.

There are people right there. She did shittens. But she did shittens and then she took the shit and she tossed it out the window into the backyard. So it looked like dog shit. Did they have dog the old amber herd defense it was the dog i don't know if they had a dog but they did they thought they had a chupacabra

um but it was so i just couldn't believe how funny that was and it even at that age before i had done shittens it did not shock me that someone would do that that makes sense to me when when you were so incredulous of my shittens which is if you haven't heard it's when i wrap my hand in toilet paper and if there's there was a lot you know i've been in bathroom situations at comedy shows where there's one bathroom and then there's a line of boys behind me that i like like and i take a giant shit or just even a tiny little girly shit and i i don't want them to know that it was mine and it won't go down so i will scoop it out and put it in the trash can and then put so much paper towels on top of

it to push it down so no one has ever has to touch it or anything the person that like gets what are you doing i don't know i'm thinking but you were just so like why wouldn't you just leave it and it's like well then what do you say to the person after you they know you shit that you blame it on the person before the dog well then what did you do on top of that for 15 minutes in there taxes i shit one time july 4th in a water in the in like in florida which everyone does really and it was the longest it was the i just the fish doesn't it float up? How do you hide that? I didn't think. I was very wasted and it did float up and it was, but there

was a pit bull, a big ass pit bull and I blamed it on him. I go, bad dog. Did people see it? Yeah. And you blamed it on the pit bull? Yeah, blamed it on the pit bull. So shout out You blamed it on pit bull? Was he there? Yeah. Not on the alcohol. Oh god yeah i mean i'm surprised

that story hasn't come out i feel like you just reckoned the truth of that story and we're ready to bring it out like no i've told you that before really pretty sure i don't know about that one yeah no it was uh shit in the water's hilarious it's just just like, oh, I'm going through this. I would never be able to do it because I definitely need to wipe my ass. I would never shit if there was not a way to wipe my ass. I mean, water. A sea sponge? Some seaweed? Yeah, some coral.

But you would just have shit in your cheeks. Wet, too. It'd your cheeks. Wet, too. It'd be wet. Oh, God. I think it was like one log. If it was diarrhea, I think I would have. God, one of the funniest bloopers from Parks and Rec. Sometimes I watch bloopers and stuff,

and man, what's his name, who is all religious now and kind of sucks, Chris Pratt, who i've met before i've hung out with him for a whole day and he was so nice and so cool everything you wanted him to be but now he's just gotten real goofy with the jesus stuff and it just like really irritates me and makes me nauseous but um he's so funny he did he i remember he was you know just doing improv on the show and it never aired but he was talking about wiping his ass he's like april he was just doing improv on that show and it never aired but he was talking about wiping his ass. He's just talking to April, his girlfriend.

He's like, do you ever wipe and it just won't stop and it's like you're wiping a marker? It is such a perfect when you just cannot get it and you're like, what is going on? Somehow more shit appears. It's because you didn't get it all out. That happens a lot to girls I think

because we try to rush it because we don't want to seem like we're shitting. So you just clamp it off when you think it's been enough and then you wipe and you go the marker thing is happening and you just go you know what I'm going to get as much of it as possible

just knowing that there's going to be a little bit in there but it's not exposed in a way that's going to smell. As long as it's inside you it will not smell. But when it comes out it is immediately that's going to smell. As long as it's inside you, it will not smell. When it comes out, it is immediately... It's insane to me. Sorry for all the poop talk.

Do we just wipe our ass with paper? I know that people are grossed out by that, but I really don't feel grossed out by that at all. I'm not grossed out. I feel disgusted by when I take a poop that that was in my body for hours or however long I knew that I was walking

around with it. People are walking around the street and like in Lululemon being like, well these shorts look cute and they have a gigantic log in them that's just like sitting there. If that log were on the floor at Lululemon, it would be a biohazard and things would

get shut down. But the difference is it is protected by a bunch of skin and one bone. I don't know. Why are we okay with it? It's right there. If you put the Lululemon logo on there, that shit's selling. Oh my God.

I would buy it. Wait, is this exclusive? No, that's a smear of shit. It's one of one. And there's a traffic cone around it so that you don't step in it but do you guys have any of these in the back in a smaller size we could order it for you online um yeah i i don't really yeah i guess so i mean i i think i shit pretty timely so i don't ever think about you've been more well i don't know if you – but constipated and – like you sometimes go a long time without –

I think there was one time that I was like I could not go. I'm thinking of Dancing with the Stars. Oh, Dancing with the Stars was terrible. Yeah. I got eliminated and then I eliminated like 14 pounds. I had no idea. If you don't know, I've told this before like when I was eliminated from Dancing with the Stars. I did not know that I had not shit for maybe a week and a half and so i looked four

months pregnant on the show and after i danced i released all of it it was amazing we gotta go to break and we'll talk less about this when we get back right for this andrew the pit bull swam in the river the poop was there but it wasn't him that delivered. That's beautiful. Thanks. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel.

Ooh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early, well, How To Money will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress

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favorite episodes you are not a real fighter you will never be discussed anywhere in boxing history ever fake paul the movie is the apprentice and the movie is about young Donald Trump and his apprentice, Roy Cohen. Real character, obviously, both are real characters. It kind of has a Scarface vibe to it, which I thought was very interesting. Listen to the I Am Rap Report Stereo Podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, and wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers.

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Because at the centre of this murky world is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his pattern of behaviour. He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it. He's everywhere and has been everywhere. It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated. Together, we're back um father's day is sunday oh do you know speaking of shit yeah yeah i did not know i guess i'll be calling old daddy yeah call daddy um i got my dad a canoe whoa

we gave it to him yesterday i mean it was a a big purchase, but I bought my mom a car two years ago, and my dad never got a big purchase. Not that this is anywhere close to as expensive as a car, but my brother-in-law Matt works for a Big Muddy Adventures river company, and they have a shop

now that has a bunch of river gear, and so he sells canoes, and he wrote me and was like hey we're thinking about getting your dad a canoe would you want to go in on this and i'm like let's do it and so we got this canoe and yesterday i'm going out of town so he's like let's give it to him today so yesterday i went over there and matt pulls up with the canoe on the his uh suv and we're waiting because my dad isn't home yet and he gets home and they come out of the car and we think he's gonna be like look at this canoe my dad loves canoes like but matt always

has canoes on his car because they're always like you know he works for a canoe company or a you know river travel company whatever he's gonna be like what would a river travel company so adventure company so my arlo their son who five, knows that we're giving Grandpa, who he calls Baki, we don't know why, but for some reason Arlo has given the, he calls other people's grandparents Grandma and Grandpa, he'll be like, Nora's Grandma and Grandpa, but for some reason he

thinks that Grandma and Grandpa is Bambaki, so together they are Bambaki. Grandma's Bamb and Grandpa's Bakiaki so baki shows up and drives up with bomb in the car and they get out and arlo immediately runs up and is like baki we got a we got a canoe for you and he but mad is worried because i'm like let's let's reveal it to him in a funny way like i was almost thinking of like we should do the thing where you know we're like have you

seen those um tiktoks or like videos where an old man is like leaving you know old country buffet with his family and they're walking out to the parking lot and there's like an old gto from like 1962 yeah yeah yeah and he's and it's like this is my grandpa's car from when he was a teenager that he had to surrender so he could pay for his mom's cancer treatment. And he hasn't driven it since. And grandpa would go, that used to be my car. That's the same car.

And he walks over to it and he's like looking in the windows and they're like, whose car do you think this is, grandpa? And it's like, I don't know. Lucky guy. And they go, what if it's yours? And they like pull up keys. And he's like, what? And you're like, this man's going to die next week.

You guys, have you decided who's going to get this car? Because it's not going to be his. I don't drive stick anymore. I'm too weak. Yeah. I mean, it's debatable if this person should have a license at this point. And they're giving him a tiny little car that has no airbags or seatbelts. I played chicken with this. So I asked Matt, I was like, can we do canoe keys?

Where I can be like, so whose canoe is this? Maybe it's yours and like hand him up an oar or something or like hand him the wind. I don't know. Like what's a canoe key? Yeah, just like a river. Like so, or you could have gave him like a shitty, a real shitty boat beforehand. Or a life jacket or something. Well, we didn't really work up a surprise.

Yeah, that's a big thing. But Matt's freaking out because he's like arlo's gonna give it away and i'm like yeah he will but my dad will not arlo says dumb shit all the time my dad's not gonna connect it to this at all so of course arlo's like baki we got a canoe for you and he was like oh that's for me like he's just and then all of a sudden it's on to the next thing like he didn't even register it and so i was like see matt you don't need to worry because we were about to tell arlo don't tell him but it was like then he'll tell him immediately so my dad had no idea and then my dad's like let's go downstairs what are you guys doing up here like what are we doing let's go to the pool let's go downstairs

and we're like i go matt who's whose canoe is that on your car and he's like uh it's a guy uh from my my company and i was like no whose canoe is it he's like it's uh it's big muddies and i was like no whose canoe is it he's like i go dad i think it's your canoe and he's like oh i wish and then we did the whole thing and then we were like it is and then of course my dad's like how much does it weigh matt's like 67 pounds he goes that's too heavy i can't lift that matt i can't lift that i can't lift that so he's returning it for a different canoe it it turns out it for a different canoe. It turns out it's a gift certificate.

It's the heaviest gift certificate we've ever given someone because he's just returning it for a different canoe. I'm like, we could have just written on a card, you get a canoe, instead of lugging it on top of the car. It's such a heavy present to bring back. And you know what? I deferred to Matt. I was going to ask my dad, hey, if you got to, or ask my mom because she knows what my dad like hey if you gotta like or ask my

mom because that she knows she knows what my dad wants but matt's like i got it i'm a big muddy man like i know so i deferred to matt and he totally got one that's and he's like i can carry it i go you're young my dad is old like don't make him carry heavy things and i said to my dad well why don't you just keep this one you only take this canoe out when you have like a friend with you. And he's like, no one goes out with me anymore. It's always by myself. My friends have canoes that are 25 pounds. This is too heavy.

So it's just like, again, the same thing he said about my guitar. Remember when I got that guitar? He's like, it's pretty heavy. And I go, who cares? It's so funny. With the older you get, you have to like worry about how things weigh yes I think that's it

and with the guitar I was like who cares if it's heavy for three hours he goes you try to well I think you'll care

when you're playing this for three hours on stage I go why would I ever play an electric guitar on stage standing for three hours first of all

I've never that will never happen to me ever and you switch up guitars even if you are a musician that plays for three hours you're of all, I've never, that will never happen to me ever. And you switch up guitars even if you are a musician that plays for three hours. You're insane. That's 18, 10 minute all too well, so.

I gotta say though that you're right. There's just like something about men when they get older, they just get really persnickety and just

everything's like oh my gosh, oh my gosh. Like there's no patience no patience it's just a it's a new it's a it's an old man thing it started happening my dad like 10 years ago we noticed no patience really upset about things like who stole like at my birthday party who stole my wine dad we are in a private room with all my friends no one stole your wine stole your wine it's literally i just moved it to this other table that is right next to you but you go from instead of looking maybe six centimeters to the left for a different place you go to someone stole it he's like it's a light wine it's easy to run off with. It's wild. It's 3.2 ounces. And just like this, just jumping to stole.

I'm sure there's some people out there that know what I'm talking about. I mean, this is the same kind of where you lose your parents to QAnon. And you go, my dad was a smart person. What the fuck happened that he thinks Hillary Clinton's molesting babies underneath a pizza parlor? It's like, this is the slow. And it's not just my dad. It's going to happen to all of us. You just start losing your mind a little bit.

You start to be scared that I only have this many years where I could actually carry a canoe and do this on my own where I won't need help. Then eventually I think you get more relaxed when you finally, when you give up. I think he hasn't given up yet, which he shouldn't. But I'm just saying, he's not old enough to give up and just be like. There is something about just like, yeah, getting older that you just.

Like just whittling wood on a porch, you know, and you're just like looking out at the day. You're like, well, look at that. The tree's blowing. Yeah. The gifts are going to get a lot easier as he ages. Dad, here is, I made you a pasta necklace. Like they can get back to like really dumb stuff.

He's like, I love this. How heavy is it? My neck is not as strong as it used to be. No, I just feel like. Dad, it's flat noodles. I don't know. I feel like everyone though. I mean, I've been agitated too.

And just like snapping at dumb stuff and taking things personally. And like, I don't know. I've just been like doing this trick where, and I've talked about it before, but it just always helps me. I just go, if I'm feeling like, last night I was feeling a lot of jealousy over some dumb thing that I was feeling jealous over someone and feeling like really threatened by it and all these things. And I just was like, I was like, oh oh I'm not gonna be able to get to sleep and I needed to get to sleep because I've

I had a full day today I did radio for three hours I did uh I went to the eye doctor and I went to the dentist all today already and so I was like I have to get up at 5 a.m it was 11 and I was fuming over this thing and then I like, what if you had no ego? How would you feel right now? If you literally had no ego, like just act as if. You literally are just like a piece of seaweed that has no skin in the game. Because you really are a piece of seaweed. You aren't.

You're a bunch of cells that are shooting off things making you think you're a self and that you have like these feelings. But you really are just a bag of cells that are just you're like a computer that is running. And you think that you're like more important. We think we're more important than we are. But if you just take your ego out, like if you're like, I don't know if I'm upset about, oh, this person got this thing and I didn't get it. If I just go, what would I feel if that stuff didn't matter to me? Like, how would I act? And then you just, you go like, what if I was just a baby? Like, and just was like a thing that existed. And for some reason,

that's just like, it's this new thing I've been doing that just like helps me. What if I had no ego? What would i feel right now and you literally feel nothing like you can't get hurt like if you have no ego if you have no like you can't feel bad there's just something about it that actually works for me to take me out of like you couldn't feel bad because nothing you aren't anything to feel bad about you are just i don't know why it works for me but i just like don't get jealous I can just immediately snap out of it and it's not like it doesn't come back but it shows me what is true which is like none of this really matters

in two weeks, two days, two hours this thing I'm lit up about is not going to matter and it will be as if it never existed does that make sense? yeah I just think sometimes like if you go I have no ego i'll let

it enough everything will roll off then it's like then when do you stand up for yourself or when do you no you can't if you're egoless i mean you still have to like have wants and needs you still have to survive as a human so you're still gonna have like desires but if you do lose your ego and nothing, can you imagine if nothing affected whether you were your worth? Did it make you feel like, did it make, because everything we get angry about makes us is because we're feeling unlovable, unseen, untaken care of, like unappreciated. And it's all stuff that being like, I deserve respect. But if you were just like, that has nothing to do with me. And I just are, it doesn't really affect my bottom line. If that person likes me or not, like I'm still going to be sitting here living and breathing. And I guess it could affect your bottom line that like, oh, you might not get a job or

you might not get a boyfriend or whatever. But it just, there's something about if you were just a mailbox, how would this person's hatred of you? Oh, I hate that mailbox. That mailbox is still just a mailbox how would this person's hatred of you oh i hate that mailbox that mailbox is still just a fucking mailbox it's their their feelings about it or them like i was just i was jealous about some person that i felt threatened by like oh like my boyfriend is going to be attracted to them and i was like, what is this story? I'm telling like who, first of all,

okay, let's say my worst case scenario that my boyfriend falls in love with another girl. Is this the same person that gets the job last night? Or are you? No, this is the story. I was just giving example of a job.

I was just jealous of a girl that i have no reason to be jealous of but it was like all of a sudden i was just like okay let's write it out like what happens okay so he falls my worst case scenario he falls in love with her he realizes she's better than me and he moves on and i was just like okay i will be very sad i'll feel like i'm not pretty enough i'm not as good as this person i'm not enough and then it's like okay well then like i'll just find someone else and maybe he'll be happy and maybe i want him to be with someone that make like i just like wrote it out and was like it'll be fine yeah like this whole like catastrophizing like fine okay well then he'll stay in st louis and i'll leave and i'll go somewhere else and start over like

i really was like i won't be able to stay here i would have to leave i don't want to see him around town with this new girl but i was like oh then that would be a new adventure i'll go somewhere and i'll meet new people like i'll a whole life will open up to me that wouldn't if he didn't find this this girl does this girl even pose a threat to me or even exist no it is my imagination but even my worst case scenario of that imagination is still gonna be okay i mean you really played this all out like what what were you doing while you're doing all this making my bed or folding clothes and like cleaning my room yeah are you speaking this out loud or are you just like no i was in my head in my head but i always do that of like okay and then what yeah

and then what and if it doesn't lead to you dying and being homeless on the street with no one loving you and bugs in your eyeballs and hair, then really it's not worth it. It's just, you're going to be okay. I think also that pattern of thinking, like that pattern of thinking, real quick, is also like the anxious attachment. Oh, yeah.

Sabotaging what you have, that voice in your head that just tries to ruin your relationship. Well, it's not sabotaging what you have, that voice in your head that just tries to ruin your relationship. Well, it's not sabotaging it. I was just, I was actually, I was at peace with whatever happens because I don't have control over those things.

And yes, I can say that it's unlikely this will happen and Nikki, that's stupid. But for me, a better way to get over something is to play it out and realize that my biggest fear really doesn't hold that much to be afraid of I'm not going to be decapitated because he finds another woman if that is the

thing that happens in my life my biggest fear if if you know my if if something happens to Chris if he dies it would be devastating to my life but it everything will be okay like it'll be i can i could if i just play it out i'm like okay but i'm gonna lose him at some point like or i'm gonna die like we lose everyone we know i just play it out and i go it just helps me but i'm absolutely anxious attached like but there are other times that i'm very um avoidant i flip noah i go back and forth between avoidant and anxious attached. And I need to read more about the book. And I'm really loving this new book, Becoming Yourself. Coming Yourself.

Coming Alive. Coming Into Yourself. Coming All Over Yourself. Coming Into A Live Person. Yeah, that's Coming Alive. Yeah, I guess if you're really egoless you would be like he left me for another girl and i hope they are happy together i honestly feel that way i've always said that about and i know that sounds crazy no no i don't think it's

crazy but i really have felt that way and that's well that's i think that's the most secure you can be is that and that's why I never got jealous before. It's because I always felt if, well, Chris is with me. Like if you wanted to be with someone else, he would be with someone else. Like I,

I don't think he would ever not be with me or like be with me. And then like try out something else before he left me. He would, he wouldn't do like, I just know that but the second i start to put a different character on him where i'm like oh he would he's going to like i was i was actually entertaining a completely different person than chris is in this scenario and it was like i was just like you know what i was doing i was doing exactly what women do to the other woman, which is like, it's her fault.

He's, he would never cheat on me, but she'll get him to, she will find. Cause I, that's what I think women do. Noah, do you ever feel this way where you like trust your man, but you don't trust other women? And I know this is like so weird of me to say, because I love women and I've been the other woman and people have been like, it's your fault. And I your boyfriend cheated on you it's not my fault i don't even know you but i have to say that there's something about sometimes i'm like we'd be fine but i can see other women truck they like they might try to destroy me because they know that he would never

cheat on me so they can't get in until they destroy us first by some nefarious means it's such a stupid thing and yes I have thought that way is that so crazy to think that

it's such a because why would someone dedicate their entire life to stealing your man and ruining your life like they have nothing else to do because they want

my hot boyfriend who no you want your hot boyfriend. I don't know. Listen, I think girl, bitches be crazy. Yeah, but they don't feel any kind of opening. Are they just going to attack?

Are they going to go after it if they don't feel any kind of rotation? Have you ever done that? You know what I mean? I've not done that, but I've maybe thought that. It's almost like cyberbullying. I've wanted to cyberbully someone before, but I've maybe thought that I, like, it's almost like cyberbullying. Like, I've wanted to cyberbully someone before, and I'd be great at it, and I know exactly what to say

to get someone to really feel bad about themselves, but I would never do it because it's just such a dirty thing to do. Or, like, shoplifting, or, you know, driving, like, just, I don't know, property damage. Sometimes I want to do really bad things, but I don't do them, but I could, and I've thought about

like oh you know if i could have listen i could have gotten a person before that had a girlfriend if i did some dirty stuff that made like that ruined their relationship that allowed me to be into it but i didn't do it because i wanted that person to like me on their own merit and choose me over that person as opposed to like i'm gonna ruin this and then you're gonna you're not gonna have anyone but me gotcha you know so i don't do it because i want to i want that relationship to be but i think that some some people just i mean taylor taylor steals but if you... You know, like Taylor Shopley, there are people that are just like, I don't really care about the rules.

I just think like, when does it stop though? So then it's like... It's a crazy person. Yeah, yeah. And there's another person involved, like your boyfriend, who will probably be like, okay, cool, you like me,

but I'm in a relationship with someone. No, that's what I'm saying. That's why they know they can't get in that way. So they might do something to, like, I don't know. I don't even know what I'm thinking. This reminds me of Peaky Blinders. Really? Actually, I don't want to give it away.

I'm never going to see it. No, not to you. To the listener. Because there's a new season. Okay. It's a pretty big show. Really? So this is related to that?

Yeah. Of like, I can't tell you so so i'm going to ruin this other thing that's going to make it so that person has to flee to me well no in the sense of like you can't so the main character can't be killed he's never been killed so finally they figured the only way that he's gonna die is if he kills himself and the only way he'll kill himself is he if he gets a diagnosis that he's gonna die very soon right right okay that's interesting yeah yeah so you yeah like let's say my you know there's a roach infestation because i a company paid $100 or whatever $2,000 to put 100 roaches in my house

yes and I want to kill those roaches and I can't kill them all what if I just kill the house that makes sense do you know what I mean like it's a means to get the thing of like or you know like this person has a really cute dog

and I would love that dog but I can't steal someone's dog what if I make it so that their landlord finds out their dog did something that they've been hiding from the landlord? What if I just write a note, and I get them in trouble with the building, and they have to give up their dog? And then look who's here to take their dog. Oh, I'm so sorry you have to give up your dog. Now I get it, even though I was the one that came up with the reason why you had to give it. That's the kind of stuff I think about because i'm crazy yeah and i also don't think men understand how fucking cunning women can be that is what i don't think men men underestimate how much we think

and how much work we're doing underneath the surface to get what we want sometimes and what we're capable of doing what we don't always, but we think a lot more than men do. I mean, you're friends with me. Sometimes you're like, don't you feel like I think sometimes too much? Right now. Give me a scenario of something you want, and I'll find a way to get it. That I want? Yeah, just anything you want, and I'll find a nefarious way to get it.

I want a new car. You want a new car? I mean, that's pretty easy, though. Then you just tell them that you would make an instagram post but how would i get in my name um you want a new car you could um god that's a really tough one to get okay sorry no let me think of um what do you yeah you could you could oh you could say um you know uh yeah you could you could go to a place and tell them you could just like make a fake instagram account and say this

is me and get a bunch of followers or like screen like send them screenshots of and doctor a fake instagram account that has 1.2 million followers or something and hope that the old man you're sending it to doesn't have an Instagram account of himself, that he can't check it, but he sees your screenshot and just goes off of that and then gives you a car for free. That's a lot of work. I think I'd rather...

I don't know. That's just my cursory thought. No, yeah, yeah. You would like to think whoever you're dating would see through that shit, but yeah, no, but people can be extremely manipulative. I'm just trying to think of a way that someone would...

They wouldn't. I'm just insecure. Yeah. And I'm trying to think of ways... But why let your brain... Because you can't put your brain down on a bag of cells. I don't... Oh, you just stop your thoughts, Andrew.

Have you ever tried to stop thoughts i'm not saying that i've i yes i can stop thoughts like i could stop a bus a moving bus i have a lot of trouble with it but lately like post zoloft and daring zoloft like it didn't go to that i still have fucking trust me like i have depression still, and I fucking still go through it and put my brain through it and think about different scenarios on how my life could be better or worse or whatever. And I fucking destroy myself.

I torture myself over stuff like that. I just think if that ever happened, where I write it out and I go, okay, if someone tried to destroy us and then they got him, I just know I write it out and I go okay if someone tried to destroy us and then they got him I just know they wouldn't last and I'd be I and I know that and if he

first of all he's a smart person and if he fell for that then I would feel sad that he got tricked and then I would be like oh that sucks that he's back like yeah of course I would because you know we're all capable of being tricked but also if i really do feel though overall that if i was ever with any partner and they wanted someone

over me i would be very hurt and angry and i would make it about like she seduced you and all the stuff but ultimately i'd be like then good like i don't want you to stay with me because you're like oh i can't but you would accept them back within no if they apologize and we're like i can't believe what i did i would literally forgive anyone for anything if they go i literally cannot believe i did that to you that was not the person i want to be here's the actions i'm taking to never do that to you again i'm going to see this person i'm reading this book i've met it like they're showing the actions. They are horrified by what they did. I would forgive literally anything.

But there's a difference between forgiving and then taking them back. Oh, I'd take them back if I still loved them and I felt love for them again. I would definitely entertain it. A friend, anyone who scorned me, if they came back around and really made amends in a way that i'm i accept any apology i'm i'm telling you i hate donald trump more than anyone could hate donald trump but if he all of a sudden woke up one day and was like i can't believe this is humiliating what i've done i am a moron what was i thinking this is i'm so sorry i would say you you fucked up but i accept your apology and let's i'm open to you proving yourself that you're different now i really would i would be able to forgive him even

him which is saying a lot and i think i i wish that people would do that for me you know like i i recently did something that i'm like oh god was embarrassing and um i asked her for forgiveness i was like i'm really sorry that I did that to you and um and I never want to do it again and here's what I'm doing I did all the things like here's what I'm doing so I'll never do that again and she was like yeah I hear you okay good and like she's still I'm like you're still allowed to be mad that I did this I'm not asking you to be like everything's fine let's go like hang out again and be friends but there you could tell that she was like,

yeah, all right. Like this is sufficient. And I really appreciated that because I don't expect everyone to be able to do that, but it is nice when people can accept an apology. Let's get to the news. You heard it here first. You heard it here first.

Yeah, you heard it here first. Oh boy, it's Thursday folks. You know what that means? It is Thursday. The weekend's around the corner. And we're coming in there.

Coming over here. Apparently, you're having all the swells. We're going to be in Detroit tomorrow and Toronto on Saturday. Come on out. I don't think they can. I think they're both sold out. Oh, shit. Detroit might have the second show still.

I don't know. Okay, try your best. Two shows. Come on out. Come on down. Come on down now, Detroit, still. I don't know. Okay, try your best. Two shows. Come on out. Come on down. Come on down now, Detroit, baby. Good tires and engineers and engines. It's like our last weekend of shows. I know, for a long time.

I know, for a really long time. I mean, I'm going on the Burt tour, so check out those fully loaded festival to come see me in the south. But yeah, these are our last two cities for a little bit. A little bit. Time to meditate.

Okay. It is? That'd be nice. Yeah. Just one section. Just we just. All right. Noah, what's next?

So Andrew, you're looking for a new car. Oh, God. Well, a drunk driver crashes and heads straight to the dealership to try to sell his damaged car with a missing tire. I mean, this is a. If you're drunk just keep being drunk keep making drunk decisions okay so here's here's what happened the man hit the median of the highway the expressway which caused the flat tire the car started smoking and he kept driving eventually losing that tire he eventually stopped at a car dealership and appeared super drunk. Employees told police he was trying to sell his SUV.

And police say inside the SUV they found four Loco cans and a can of White Claw. I mean, he didn't even stop to get the cans out of his car. I just love that story too. It's just one loco it's four like wait four four loco cans no no no just four loco just one four loco okay which is equal to four of any other drink i mean that's yeah um i mean class what is this in florida uh where is this i'm not sure i have to open the page i just love someone trying to get rid of the evidence but like you're getting so many other people involved paperwork involved you know what i mean it's like ever try to surrender a car i mean we've talked like if

i killed you with a machete right and i still had blood on the machete and then i go try to pawn it indiana okay i'm like no it's a good machete people are really stupid yes i mean that is what you find i saw some tiktok last night where someone was like there's this kid they were just making it was on like tiktok cringe or whatever on reddit and it was some guy that was like you want our guns i'll tell you what i tell all those liberals that want our guns and he holds up a flag that says you can't have them and he just holds up the flag he goes can't have them can't have them so all you look and he's like he's so it's so embarrassing to watch and he's in his attic and he has all these like dumb flags up

and he's wearing these suspenders and like pants pulled up and i the whole time i'm like this guy's such an idiot and then it turns out people in the comments are like this guy has fetal alcohol syndrome like for sure and then all of a sudden it goes from being like this idiot to like this person's mom drank while they and and that's a huge problem with this kind of these kinds of people that are like, come get my gut like this, like crazy, like irrational fear. And and, you know, it's on both sides, by the way. Both sides have these kind of people. And it's you don't realize if you look up fetal alcohol syndrome, they have faces that are different than other people's faces. There's like a weird, you know, there's a lot of space in between their eyes.

There's like flatness on their cheeks a lot of those guys that were in that u-haul are being like said to look like look at the photos they all look like that yeah like exactly how you're describing i'm not kidding you it's a real thing and if you just google fetal alcohol syndrome and look at the faces of the kids that they show because it is a structural thing that happens to your skull and you can still operate but like a normal person and talk and learn and everything, but you have incredible learning disabilities

and you are so susceptible to this fear mongering and these messages. So it was actually, it went from being hilarious and like, God, this idiot to like, oh, this kid's mom just drank throughout his pregnancy. It was very sad. But start to look for these types of faces so that you don't jump to this hatred of those people

and kind of maybe have an understanding that maybe this person... Alcohol is so bad, man. I mean, I know it's so fun, but God, it's... Have you ever seen a pregnant woman drink? Just from the inside. Oh, shit. you ever seen a pregnant woman drink uh it's from the inside oh shit i said my umbilical cord was like a beer bong straight to my stomach yeah dude i was like fill it up again ma i'm like i've never i used to have a joke i was like i've never seen my mom go nine days without drinking i don't think she went nine months when she was 25. I don't believe it.

I don't think she drank to excess. I know that there's moderation you can do. And I don't believe my mom didn't smoke cigarettes either. Once you grow up and you see how much your parents are addicted to cigarettes. They didn't know quite as much that cigarettes were as bad as they are. It's insane that you wouldn't think inhaling smoke inside your lungs that your baby is feeding off we were having a party in there they were probably playing some fucking tom petty i was just like last call um yeah it was uh yeah it's sad any

other news so how much he sold the car for no way he sold that car no he didn't they just call the cops um all right how about uh cheryl burke makes a confession about her sex life she reveals that she's never had an orgasm during sex i know cheryl burke she's on dancing with the Stars. Okay. She was married to Matthew, who's the guy who's, whoa, Joey. Matthew Perry? Oh, Matthew Lawrence. Matthew Lawrence, Joey Lawrence's brother, Matthew, the really cute one. Oh my God, he's so cute.

So he's the one that's going to get made fun of, right? Oh yeah, because he- People are going to make fun of him. Oh, you know because he... People are going to make fun of him. Oh, you know... Make fun of him. I mean, sorry, guys, but most women aren't having orgasms from penetrative sex unless you incorporate a vibrator or the woman's hand doing something

that will make her cum. I mean, most women are having orgasms from penises because they're also rubbing their clit at the same time. Without that hand, would they have an orgasm? I bet they wouldn't, hon.

I bet they wouldn't. I bet they wouldn't i'm sorry it's like you read the statistics i mean no how rare is it to have an orgasm from from penetrative sex for a woman i mean the stats are out there do you do you know that i don't know the stats but i know for me i can only have it from like if i'm on top i'm not on top. It's not happening. Or very seldom. Yes. But do you have to stimulate yourself in any way clitorally? No. Oh, well, then you're one of the lucky ones. But I think I do it on him.

I think that's why. Yeah, I think it probably touches his pelvis bone. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Because you're probably doing the old rub move. In a study in 2015 found only 6% of women said they always have an orgasm during penile vaginal intercourse. Always?

Yeah. Okay. Well, how often do men always have an orgasm from penile vaginal? A hundred percent of the time. No, no. What I'm saying is that was 6%, right? Always. Yes.

So then what's the percentage of never? But I'm just saying how often do men- No, I get what you're saying. Men always have an orgasm from peanut i would say i would say 90 unless they have ed which women aren't suffering with this is just a regular one with boners but anyways besides the point how many people my i get the six percent that always do but never yes um it says because that's what she's saying right well it it gets a little deeper so she had a sex therapist on her podcast the week prior and she felt insecure about talking about it

so she said i think the reason i didn't want to say it at the time was because i didn't want to hurt anyone that has nothing to do with the person it It has everything to do with me and my shame and my child abuse and my vulnerability. Oh, I love her. She is such a sweetie and was so nice to me on the show. And I'm glad she's talking about that. I know so many women who have never had an orgasm,

like even by their own hand. I mean, I didn't have one for so long. So it says 6% of women said they always have an orgasm during penal vaginal intercourse. 40% said they had an orgasm nearly always said they always have an orgasm during vaginal intercourse. 40% said they had an orgasm nearly always. 16% women had an orgasm half the time, and 38% had one infrequently. 14% of women under the age of 35 had never had an orgasm from intercourse.

Wait, 14%? 14% of women never had an orgasm from intercourse. And these are women that are sexually active under the age of 35. But that's only 14. You were saying almost never do you have penile orgasms. I'm saying that women, I bet you if you take into account rubbing your clit with your hand. Yeah. Does it go down?

It would be no one. It would be like noah i'm sorry like i i don't know every woman but we could do a poll on nikki there's no way that i watch porn and i see women who are coming they're usually when they're being they're rubbing their clit there's something on their clit isn't that maybe that's how you orgasm but i watch enough porn to know that that's the case. And I read enough statistics that I know that women do not tend to come from just penetration. It is a rare thing.

Here's what I'll say from just like the way that I have it is that I had to learn how to have an orgasm. Not just by like touching myself or like what kind of movement I like. But I have to get really really focused and I have to like not be distracted by anything if there's any little distraction I'm out of it and I don't have one totally I agree I can't be distracted I'll lose it

would music help? no it's just like tone it is scenario it's like the things they're saying. It's the things you're thinking. And it's also like being focused on your vagina and like not being in your head too much.

Like feeling your feelings down there and like turning that sensory part on. It's a bunch of stuff. And being in a safe space too where it's like bring out whatever you have in that drawer. Like there's no judgment here. Yes. Like I feel like if you have any judgment,

it's probably tough. But sometimes I have all the toys in the world and it's just not going to happen for me because I'm just like, not something happened that day that is on my mind. And so it's like, I just don't, because to give up,

it's such a release that if you're pent up at all about anything, I don't want to give up any, I don't want to release anything because if I release, I might start crying. I might i might have to i might shit like everything will come out and i don't i don't want it to like sometimes i for me orgasm is control and it's like if i have an orgasm means i lose control and i don't like losing control unless i feel very safe very comfortable with who i am because if i lose control control is all i fucking have and so if

i'm having a bad day where i lost a job or i didn't get a job or i'm feeling you know like i don't like my body i don't like my face whatever it is my friends are upsetting me and i'm feeling out of control in those ways you're i am not gonna come because that is the only thing i can control is that i i am not going to like yeah that i that I'm not going to like, because if you orgasm, that means you give up control because you're letting go. And for me, that's like, no, that's the only thing I can control right now. If I give up that, then I am a helpless like splatter. Would that go with an egg yolk? Would that go with what we were talking about, though, with like, are you holding it, holding into strength?

Is that ego as well? Because no, it's just it's not even like, you holding it holding into strength is that ego as well because no it's just it's not even like you know what i mean though because if you just let go of the orgasm then you're let going of everything like i'm like i'm like that's too scary to let go of everything because if you let go of everything i might not stop crying i might but you said also but you said you felt good when you finally let go and you're just a baby. Yes, but it's scary too. It's almost like bungee jumping. Yeah, it feels cool, but right before you jump, you're like,

fuck, this is going to be hell. But then while you're doing it, you're like, oh, this is actually pretty cool once you let yourself do it. Because for a guy, the orgasm is the release that allows you to feel relaxed about the other shit. Yeah. That actually holding in that orgasm is causing more anxiety the release that allows you to feel relaxed about the other shit yeah that it actually that holding in that orgasm is causing more anxiety and more stress because not only am i dealing with this i'm also dealing with well it's the same way for me with food like you if i'm hungry yeah you you

get a plate in front of you you start eating even if all the things aren't there i need it to be perfect before i do it because i want this thing that I've been waiting for so much to be perfect. And if it isn't, I don't want to have it. And for me, that's why my favorite porn is like guys trying to make girls come and girls like try not to come. And a guy forcing you to because you – and then you being like, well, I guess I didn't have a choice. That's like my favorite kind because it's all about control. It very weird uh let's hear that airbnb oh god oh please you hear that i gotta find a new place to stay oh no i haven't even written him back i'm sure he's like she's probably mad at me that's the other thing when you don't get back to people or give them

what you want what they want they they think you're then that's the story is. When you don't get back to people or give them what you want, what they want, they think you're – then that's the story is Nikki Glaser is a bitch. And she's not nice to her fans and she doesn't appreciate them. And it's like, no, I just don't want to meet – I don't like meeting hosts of Airbnbs. Just throw it in a little rock in the garden. I love a key. I love a key in the garden.

I love a hidden key. Oh, okay. Let's go to break and come back with FanDraft. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah. Whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending,

or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early, well, How to Money will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right. How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to how to money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast.

Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Happy holidays from me, Michael Rapoport, and my gift to you is a free subscription

to the I Am Rapoport Stereo Podcast, where I discuss entertainment, sports, politics, and anything and everything that catches my attention. I am here to call it as I see it, and there's a whole lot of things catching my eyes these days. Here's a clip from one of my favorite episodes. You are not a real fighter. You will never be discussed anywhere in boxing history

ever. Fake Paul. The movie is The Apprentice and the movie is about young Donald Trump and his apprentice, Roy Cohen. Real character, obviously both are real characters. It kind of has a Scarface vibe to it, which I thought was very interesting. Listen to the I Am Rap Report Stereo Podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, and wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, Minnie Questions. Over the years, we have had some incredible guests. People like Courtney Cox, star of the infinitely beloved sitcom Friends, EGOT winner Viola Davis, and former Prime Minister of the UK, Tony Blair. And now, Mini Questions is returning for another season.

We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Each episode is a new person's story with new lessons, new memories, and new connections to show us how we're both similar and unique. Listen to Mini Questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. We want to speak out, we want to raise awareness, and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful.

I'm Ellie Flynn, and I'm an investigative journalist. When a group of models from the UK wanted my help, I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a playboy model. Lingerie, topless. I said, yes, please. Because at the centre of this murky world is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his pattern of behavior. He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it. He's everywhere and has been everywhere. It's so much worse and so much

more widespread than I had anticipated. Together, we're going to expose him and the rotten industry he works in. It's not just me. We're an army in comparison to him. Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Alright, we're back. Let's just cut right to Fanthrax. Hell yeah, dude. Let's hear it. What do we got from our listeners? Okay, we have so many fun messages.

Let's start with Annie. Hi, besties. This is Annie. I'm calling from San Francisco. I listened to the episode today where there was the misuse of euthanize and it reminded me of another misuse one. So my boyfriend is foreign. His English is the second language. And we were dog sitting our friend's dog who was like a fairly young dog, also like a COVID dog, you know, like hadn't been away from its like owners very much. And so this dog had such anxiety and was just like crying. And like, we couldn't get it to like take a nap and like give us a break.

So, and my boyfriend had never had a dog before he didn't really know how to deal and so i look over and i see him googling how to put a dog to sleep oh my god what the hell is your problem oh my god um without realizing that he didn't realize that means to um kill the dog yes instead of just you know help it calm down to take a nap. So, uh, yeah, I made him erase that browser history. Okay.

Love you guys. Bye. Love you. Oh, that's so funny. I mean, isn't that interesting though, that we,

all the words that we use to kill a dog are like, not kill a dog, put him down. That sounds like it just like, Oh, the vet put my dog down. Oh, he told your dog that he had a fat tail.

No, he didn't insult him. He put him to sleep to sleep oh so he sang him a lullaby no he injected it's probably because poison dogs die before kids become adults and then you got to tell them how you killed the dog oh right you know you got to come home and be like oh we slit his throat but that's so that's so confusing to foreigners yeah for sure to be like oh they put i had to put my dog down yeah like down where where did you did you put them in the basement like i'm sure they're just so confused like talking to a computer yeah luigi i hope i never had to put you down will you put me down that'd be so funny if he was just like like it's time today and he like held my hand with his paw and i'm on the table just like twitching taking you to the balcony i'm sorry if that's triggering anyone i'm it's it's a very sad thing that i'm scared to ever have happen um all right next next fanthrax all right next fanthrax comes from melanie

hi nikki um andrew and noah this is god i hate when i start talking like that my name is melanie um i've been a bestie since the uf days i just wanted to come on and kind of just playfully poke fun or tease nikki um for when her friend taylor was on about the stealing because i think nikki's really concerned about like the justice side of it like you know what i mean like someone's gonna suffer as a result of like your you know whatever and just letting you know nikki i don't i i don't want to make any assumptions but i don't know if you've worked retail but they have like huge numbers of like loss um amounts like basically like they have a certain number because of how rich like walmart and target and all those like big box companies

you shouldn't steal from local but big box steal your heart away because they make so much room to prepare for losses as they call it that literally no one gets dinged the employees don't get dinged oh like no one gets dinged um so really okay actually literally hurts no one and those big corporations are evil anyway so we shouldn't care they're they're not they're not suffering and i promise you the good people are not suffering okay so i love stealing no i'm just kidding. Anyways, I love you guys. Have a good one. Bye. I love you too. Thanks for filling me in.

Okay. I'm okay with it. I'm more concerned she's going to get arrested now at this point. Yeah. I do. Because she saw the video. I'm on board. Yeah.

I just don't want her to get arrested and have to pay thousands of dollars and be embarrassed. Is Taylor's mugshot on? It might be on mugshots.com. I'm sure she looks awesome in it. I bet she does. She has all those cool tattoos. She looks like. She's so adorable. She'd look great in a mugshot. She's such a good guest. I'm glad people liked her so much.

And you're right. I'm just worried about her safety and her getting arrested at this point now. But someone please write in and be like, you don't need to worry about that. I wish we could steal from Amazon somehow. I think you can. Oh, they have stores now. People are doing this shitty thing where they buy books on Amazon and then they

read them and return them. And the authors are losing out on that. I heard that's actually a bad thing to do. And if you return something on Amazon, they put little finders things, little satellite things in them to see where it goes when it's returned. Landfill.

It's more money to reshelf things than it would be to just throw it out and just take it as a loss. Realize when you return things, especially to Zara's H&M's, they're throwing it away. They're not restocking it. Alright, next Fanthrax.

You should give it to your mom. That's a good point.'ll take it i took this i took those uh those meals they're still they're already hot and they're already put them in the oven okay let's see what jack has to say i bet you i know hi nikki andrew and noah it's jack from london uh i'm just calling in because something that that Nikki said a couple of weeks ago about how she didn't deserve a nap or if she hadn't been productive that day reminded me of something really Kerr from Orlando Bloom when he said about his morning routine. He was saying that he has to earn his breakfast by going for a hike first and then has some green powders that he mixes with brain octane

oil and collagen powder memorize it anyway i just thought i would share that because it reminded me of it so don't be cur and also i'm looking forward to seeing you in london in october i just got my tickets i'm so excited i can't wait and also I just wanted to say I love watching your Instagram lives because you really are a great singer and you can sing anything. So please carry on doing that. Anyway, I love you guys. Love your show. And don't be cut. And Jack me.

Jack me. I love him. That's so nice. And it's so funny he said that about Orlando Bloom because I just him. That's so nice. It's so funny he said that about Orlando Bloom because I just read, I just saved this article because I want to read it and it's at Wall Street Journal magazine. On Mondays, Gwyneth Paltrow wakes up at 6.30 a.m.

and goes straight to her sink where she does an oil pull. She puts a big scoop of minty coconut oil in her mouth and swishes it around for 10 minutes. I'm trying to talk like her. While she goes about other parts of her routine. For the uninitiated, oil pulling is an Ayurvedic technique that promises to pull toxins from the body

and to help with teeth whitening. I love it. You do that and you feel, and you have your tongue scraper. Wow. Your mouth feels super fresh. And then she does a 20 minutes transcendental meditation

before her coffee, workout, and go-to to smoothie go fuck yourself with your routine morning routines i don't want to hear about them they make me feel bad next up final thought okay let me get this one from ally because i'm kind of curious what you have to say. Hi, besties. This is your bestie, Allie. Nikki, this is specifically for you. I'll make it short. I have been dying for your mattress air conditioner review. I wake up every single night just hot and annoyed.

And you mentioned it, oh, God it maybe a month ago now. I'm just calling to put a little pressure on you, babe. Thank you. Let us know how it is. Share your knowledge. Thank you. Love you guys. Bye. Guys, I have not taken it out of the box because

I am too intimidated by plugging it in. I need Chris to do it and every time he comes over, it's just so late. And we just want to hang out and watch TV. I just can't set it up. There's something there. But every single night, Allie, I'm not kidding you. Every single night, I am so hot in my apartment now.

Because it's like 94 degrees at night here in St. Louis. That every night, I'm like, why haven't I set it up yet? So I will set it up. We're taking a week off, so we won't, and then I'm gonna be on the road after that. No, no, no, I'll be back on the 27th. Okay, so I'll set it up when I get back,

and I'll give you a review as soon as I get it cranking. But I need to. That was impetus I needed. Do you ever do that? Do you ever buy something and not take it out of the box for a month yeah a month well no i just spent six hundred dollars or something in the middle of the night that is only necessary for your life of three months out of the year and you use one of those months just having it sit in a box in a room and you don't

even use it i mean what am i doing with my life today i i I was supposed to go to my body specialist, but I just didn't feel like it because I haven't been doing the exercises. And I go, what is he going to teach me? Tell me to do the exercises he told me to do last time again and just be disappointed in me? Not doing it. So I canceled the appointment.

Could I have canceled it yesterday because I knew I was going to cancel it today? Yes. Did I cancel it yesterday? No. Why didn't you? Oh, I don't know. Because I wanted to spend $200 on a thing that I could have 24 hours cancellation.

You don't have to pay. But instead, I cancel it day of and I have to pay $200, whatever it is. It's like, why? I knew I wasn't going to go yesterday. Why couldn't I make that call? If that makes you feel better about whatever you're delaying in your life and adding up expenses, I hope it does because, boy, that is a thing I do. I was thinking today,

all of the times I have done less than 24 hours cancellation, I'm talking I could have bought a yacht at this point. A tiny toy yacht. For your dad. Yeah, but you never would have put it in the water. You'd just be sitting there on land. I could have bought a land yacht. Your dad would be, how heavy is that yacht?

Not a yacht, but I would say probably $20,000 in just things, cancellation fees under the 24-hour notice. Because I'm a counselor. I'm way worth it. You heard me with the guitar teacher the other day. I always offer double the money because I feel so bad that I can't. You'll feel better. I don't set up auto pay ever. It's the easiest thing ever.

You click it. I can't do it. And then I pay late my Verizon bill every time. Why can't we do this? My phone gets turned off. Your phone gets turned off? Well, at times. Wow.

Yeah, and then I don't do auto pay. Whoa. It's a click. Dude. You know what it is? Sometimes with auto pay, you have to put in your bank account dude I'm the same way it is like one number it is one me going to my wallet pulling out a credit card and not wanting to type in a number is it privilege no this is this is ADD no this is this is a real problem people have of like why can't I do this simple thing? I mean, this happens to me all the time in my life.

Oh, dude, I told you I got that letter every day, almost in the mail, and I avoided it because I thought it was a big bill. It was like $15. I avoided it for two years. I lived with the guilt of not paying this bill. Oh, my God. It was like $15.55, and I didn't pay it.

Right now, I'm stressed out because I am about to go on a press tour for FBoy Island, which starts June, July 14th. And my special, which comes out a couple days after that, maybe. I'm saying a couple as in two, but who knows if it's two

because it hasn't been announced yet. It's two. And then, but I'm supposed to pull, I'm supposed to watch the first four episodes of FBoy so I can pull clips to play on the talk shows I'm going on. You know, like, oh, we have a clip from it.

Oh, yeah. And they sent me the trailers for my special. I can't watch them. I cannot. What is wrong with me that I can't watch my own thing? It would take two minutes of my life. What was that? Keep reading the book.

Keep reading the book and I can get past it. Is it factor X? Is it part X? Yes. How far are you in the book? What percentage are you at now? I am, like, almost to the end of chapter two almost on chapter three i believe okay and i'm here i'm about that far too he says exactly what you're talking what both of you guys are talking about like avoiding doing

something and yeah just we have to get to the end of this book for the sake of all of us three i already told no i already i already told my friends about this book. I had two women come over and check out my house for birds yesterday. And you already told them. And we hung out for two hours talking about addiction, our insecurities as women.

We talked about birds for literally 30 seconds and the rest of it was, I mean, we talked about birds throughout the whole thing because I am a bird woman through and through these women are childless uh they're you know both in relation relationships with people who don't want to have kids getting a bird is literally getting your tube sighted is announcing the world i am good without kids i'm fine and i i'm a bird woman these women are my people we hung out for so long i have new friends but i told them about the book

i was like i already sent them the book this this morning i was like i sent them a scream chat i was like you got to read this book we're doing a book club this is the best ever just uh dude there's a there's a lady a famous lady in stewart florida small town and she was an actress i forget her name i could find out but she owns like no bullshit on her land, 50 peacocks. And she was the peak. I could see that for you. Yeah. I love them.

I'm very excited about this new venture of my life. Nikki Glaser lives over on the hill. Oh, yeah. I'm going to be a crazy old woman that was like, she used to be famous. No, I know. And they'll be like, who is she? And people will Google me with their eyes or whatever in the sky when the technology can do that yeah i'll be like shelly duvall who disappeared

to santa fe shelly duvall you know who was in the shining oh yeah she was a huge actress and she disappeared and you should read this this piece that came out about her a couple years ago it's really fascinating if you just google shelly duvall like now where is she she's like she just gave up the hollywood life and is like this eccentric woman like that lives in santa fe and like has this weird life that she just is like i'm not going back into that like you think someone like cameron diaz is ever going to be in a movie again she said she's never going to oh she did she actually quit oh she retired she said but that's what they say when they want to do a comeback. Or if Hollywood has given up.

I don't think Hollywood has given up on Cameron Diaz. No, I want more Diaz. I love her. Oh, she is just a breath of fresh air. I love Cameron Diaz. You know what? I'm going to say something about Mary again. Something about Mary. It's such a good movie. Last night, I actually

was in the mood for some nostalgia. I pulled out my Roku and what did I watch? I'm about to tell you. It was a movie called An American President. Do you remember? It's Michael Douglas and Annette Bening. In the movie, she's 37, but she looks like she's

Mother Henning. She looks a lot older. You're reminded that in the 90s women looked old even though they were young because of i don't know mold or cigarettes or less botox i don't know what was happening but she had a boy haircut and she was a leading lady it made me urine for a simpler time when you know michael douglas was hot and when i couldn't rhyme damn really hit me in all the hearts but an american president is really a good watch, by the way. Nostalgia burst.

1995, classic movie. He plays the president. He's a single bachelor. And Annette Bedding comes into his life. And it's like the president dating. It's so good. Oh, and they had to be sneaky about it. No, no, no.

They weren't sneaky at all. Aaron Sorkin wrote it. Rob Reiner directed. It's all like, and it's really good. Martin Sheen is in it. Michael J. Fox before he was had Parkinson's

he is Michael J. Fox is you realize one of the best actors ever just the nuances of his facial expressions I mean I and I never saw

Back to the Future I'm just going solely off of an American president where he plays a supporting role he's fantastic oh

um yo Michael J. Fox I miss you man you're still alive huh can i just wrap yeah i just want you know i know you don't have to miss from movies i miss him from the movies do you remember brendan walsh one time he's a comedian he died no he did conan and he came out he goes guys i just want to say before i start my set um i just want to announce gene hackman died and everyone goes and he goes okay he didn't die but he is still alive based on your response you all need to tell him how you feel about him urgently it was like it's just such a good moment where people are like i didn't realize i love gene

hackman so much for real he is alive yeah he's still alive anyway go on i'll miss you michael okay guys that's our show for this week we are going to be off next week uh just let us have it we're so sorry we will miss you so much i'll probably be going live on instagram for my girls trip um thank you for listening thank you for being our friends thank you for the fan tracks we are on tour see you in detroit see you in toronto we have. We have European dates available on my website. Also, some other dates. Go check it out. NikkiGlaser.com slash whatever tour.

And don't be cut. And Jack from London. It's kind of the same thing. Oh, yeah. Because you were saying he said me. Oh, gotcha. That was good. Jack on the brain.

Jack on the brain. Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money podcast.

Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How To Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else.

Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Emi Olea, host of the podcast Crumbs. For years, I had to rely on other people to tell me my story. And what I heard wasn't good. You really f***ed last night. It felt like I lived most of my life in a blackout. I was trapped in addiction.

You had to grab the lamp and smash it against the walls. And then I decided I wanted to tell my own story. Listen to Crumbs on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, you guys. I'm Catherine Legg. I'm a racing driver who's literally driven everything with four wheels across the planet. And I've got a new podcast. It's called Throttle Therapy.

This season, I'm competing in some of the world's most notorious racing events. Tune into my new podcast, Throttle Therapy, with Catherine Legg, an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. You can find us on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Elf Beauty, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. People, my people, what's up? This is Questlove. Man, I cannot believe we're already wrapping up another season of Questlove Supreme.

Man, we've got some amazing guests lined up to close out the season. But, you know, I don't want any of you guys to miss all the incredible conversations we've had so far. I mean, we talked to A. Marie, Johnny Marr, E., Jonathan Schechter, Billy Porter, and so many more. Look, if you haven't heard these episodes yet, hey, now's your chance. You've got to check them out. Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.