The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #238 Roses, That's It

Episode Date: June 29, 2022

Nikki got an affirming text from Bert Kreischer about exhaustion, it took a lot to surive his Fully Loaded Tour. Nikki and Andrew talk about their old family cars and a dream they both have. Andrew tells a story about his Aunt Melanie that might indicate she is super human. Nikki has an epiphany about her family's nature before her and Andrew make controversial statements. You Heard It Here First; Nitrous at the dentist is always a "yes", festivals will make you happy but stuff on the news won't. Nikki's Reddit Dump makes her ponder if it's possible to be friends with a friend with benefits long term.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money Podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch

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it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. You are cordially invited to... The hottest party in professional sports. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party,

your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour, tips to help improve your swing, and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production

in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Woman sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. That's right.

Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. With a blend of humor, vulnerability, and authenticity, we share our personal journeys navigating our 30s, tackling the complexities of modern relationships,

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For years, I had to rely on other people to tell me my story. And what I heard wasn't good. You really f***ed last night. It felt like I lived most of my life in a blackout. I was trapped in addiction. You had to grab the lamp and smash it against the walls. And then I decided I wanted to tell my own story. Listen to Crumbs on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. It's Nikki. Burt Kreischer to like 20 of us on a text thread about everyone that was on the tour and he was like did anyone else get like be was anyone else completely worthless today and I guess it's

irregular for him to feel that way coming back from a trip too because he's just go go go but this one was so much different than any road experience I've ever been on and we were all like yeah I really literally wrote back to his text that was came in at 10 p.m at 11 30 I was like I just woke up 11 30 p.m at night after sleeping all day and then I went to bed at by two and slept through the night um it was just it was so exhausting and I just woke up again I had a dentist appointment this morning that my um I didn't plug in my phone last night before I went to sleep. I just thought it'll, it'll make it, even though I do white noise blaring all night long. And so it's that drains the battery. I just thought it has enough juice

to make it through. I'm only sleeping. I have to get up at six 30. That's four and a half hours of juice. And I woke up to just silence of like, Oh no. And you you know, just I have blackout curtains, so I don't know anything about the time of day. And luckily I did not wake up at 6.30, but I woke up at 8.02 and my dentist appointment was at 8.30. So I went and got a filling. My face is numb. And then I went and got a car wash and I came back here and I slept.

Car wash? Yeah, I just drove through one of those things. My car was getting too dusty. Do you ever do those things? Yeah, I like getting in there. Yeah, I just drove through one of those things. My car was getting too dusty. Do you ever do those things? Yeah, I like getting in there. Yeah, I don't want to get out, and I don't want people to get inside my car, but the outside, I love it.

It's so peaceful in those. I used to freak out as a kid. They used to be one of my biggest fears. My parents would not go. They couldn't go. Did you think you'd get crushed or something? No, I just thought they were monsters, like all these raggedy, like I thought they were cookie monster,

evil cookie monsters, because they're just like sloppy and wet just like thrashing all over your window and it's they're like Muppet kind of

yeah they are consistency that would be Snuffleupagus was my one of my biggest fears and it just felt like his trunk was just slapping our car

and it's loud too what cars did you have growing up a blue Toyota van like that's like the first car you can remember your parents having i remember the first car i really remember my dad would be mad because he'd be like you remember our green little car yeah yeah i barely remember my dad having a very green little

car and then um apparently i was the one that spotted it like on the the road but we got a gold um i love the color gold a gold uh volvo station wagon oh it's on the side of the road for sale well like at a dealership but i was like what about that one and then they were like and they got it that's pretty cool that they like listen to you like oh we had this you know a checker like a like a taxi cab but it was blue it was like the most piece of shit like giant it was giant in there because it was like cheap or something, but it was blue. It was like the most piece of shit, like giant, it was giant in there. But you didn't have it because it was like cheap or something.

Yeah, no, it's because, yeah, my dad didn't, doctors don't really make money until a little bit later, you know? And yeah, we just had a real piece of shit checker

that was gigantic that would fit the kids. Yeah, checker. Yeah. Sounded cool. Checkered. Huh? Is there an ED on the end?

Noah, you want to take this one? What happened there? Is her shirt striped or striped? Striped. Her shirt is striped. If someone's wearing a striped... No, no, no.

If she has a striped shirt... A shirt has polka dots on it. Is it polka dot or is it polka dotted? No, the car didn't have, it was a checker. That's the name of the car. Oh, it was? Yeah.

What did you think? I was thinking taxicab, like checkered. Like that was the pattern on it. A checker. I'd never even heard of that car. Oh, I don't know. Have you known? Checker Taxi.

Checker Taxi is a dominant taxicab company, blah, blah, blah, in Chicago, Illinois. Turned on. Yeah, the car. It's pretty cool. You get it to say Sharp, you little bitch.

I remember my mom got a Jaguar. Oh, well, there you go. That's when the money started coming in. That's where the Florida, that's where your tattoo came from. Yeah, from mom's first car. It was after your mom's first car. Yeah. It was funny because the whole marriage was falling apart, and she got this brand new

car, and I think my dad bought it. It was like one last attempt to reconcile. The car was pretty cool, though. So many people do things like that for the final dying breaths of a relationship. Yeah, one last Hail Mary. Or even she's like, I'm going to buy this because I know this is going away, and I'm going to be on a stipend, a Michael stripe and a michael stripe after this yeah so i'm just gonna grab something pretty sweet but i guess it was a present for your dad from your dad my dad got a porsche i remember for

like his 40 like that over you remember over the hill the old look the other way jaguar hey if you i'm getting a porsche yeah my parents also got like the Porsche Cayenne like right before they divorced. Maybe that's like the divorce car. It's like a, you know what it is? Maybe it's like when people have a baby so that they think that's going to make them do better because obviously it's going to make them like have a new thing to focus on. It's that for people who can't have babies anymore. It's like a new thing

that I spent a bunch of money on that's gonna unite us to like make us stay together. I mean, it was pretty cool. It was pretty cool. Andrew's checker cab story, it just reminded me. So my dad used to love

buying used cars. One time, okay, so he got like this one. And then like flipping them? I guess you can't. No, just using them. One time he bought. one time okay so he got like this one and then like flipping them i guess you can't know just just using them one time he bought yes flipping them into a ditch and then getting another used car one time he did that and he bought an old news van an am station news van did it still have

the stickers on it and everything it had it had a whole scenery printed of like like daytime with like a rainbow and like a football and soccer and he and he came to pick me up from high school and i was like i just wanted to die i just like wanted to run into traffic i was so embarrassed did have like a satellite off the back it didn't have the satellite inside the the seats had like rainbows like in the middle of them and he was just like said like a team you can trust yes it was nbc4 oh god it was like am7 something you're like why can't you just forget to get me like the other kids that get traumatized instead of being on time and picking me up in this hot cock a little hot cock like i don't even oh yeah well i love the the vans that we took for the burt tour were wrapped time and picking me up in this. A little hot cock. Oh, yeah.

I love the vans that we took for the Burt tour were wrapped, which cost so much money. I mean, Burt Kreischer spent so much money making this tour just look cool for us. Every day we had something. We either were going on the racetrack to go in fast cars. One day he had a Frisbee

golf or a disc golf sorry disc golf uh company come out with their you know van and a bunch of guys teaching us how to do this and set up a whole disc golf course at a racetrack the other day it was like um a gigantic double water slide that was this huge blow-up water slide that we just woke up in the morning we walk out and there's a water slide set up with a pool and every like he just had he spent so much money he lost he did not make a lot of money on this it was just a really um you could just tell he was just doing it for fun like he just was for the it wasn't about even though it was a huge money making machine like you know we were all making money and then he yeah it was for the hangs that's and that's what was so these guys hang too i mean i talk about like i like to you know hang at the

venue an hour afterwards i just want you and anya and matt to hang out with me for an hour afterwards these guys hang out until four in the morning with bird after shows i'm like this is that's not what i want but like i know that i'm not asking too much for an hour extra hour hang on these tame shows that are not taking off your shirt running around the stage no curtain calls we can do it and we're not on buses we're just flying we can stay up a little bit later i mean i'm down you would have died on this tour. You would have died. I mean, I think it's, did they go to bars and shit afterwards?

It was just hanging in the green room? No, there's an after party that would be on the premises wherever where we were because some places don't have green rooms. It was like a racetrack, a hockey stadium, a baseball stadium,

and then the last night was an outdoor amphitheater. Did you pay more money to go to the after party? Like, is it regular people? No, it was like us and then like burt's friends or like maybe some vips that maybe won something or something but um and then after that it would just dissolve into like tailgating like out in the by the buses all but it was like a we would just breathe in bus fumes just between four buses and just sit in like how is he in the morning he's just is he one of the

i feel like he's one of those guys that power through uh 12 o'clock he wakes up early but i we would all wake up around 12 o'clock and then have breakfast and no he he's one that he gets sleep but he's one that just um i mean you never see the hangover on um yeah you do you see him like i that made me feel good that you could see him be a real human of like i've reached a threshold like this is too much or like i'm tired or you know he has an insane dream so one morning he just was like nikki listen to my dream and they were all big j had already heard the dream like they'd already heard it and i walk in the breakfast and he's like nikki i had a dream last night and they're all like oh god

and it is the longest dream i've ever heard i'm like bert how do you i could compile all the dreams i've had in my lifetime and they wouldn't be as what was the main theme of his dreams cheating on his wife and trying to tell chris rock what he meant to him but not getting a chance to who did he cheat on his wife with like a dinosaur i forget he was about to and then it didn't happen or something like that. It was very, it was,

he's adorable. I love him so much. And he's just like a, he's a big kid. I almost fucked her in my dream. But he's so, yeah, yeah. It's like the,

you can't land a flip. You can't fuck, you can't cheat on your wife. Oh, in the dream. Like you gotta wear a condom. You're the only one who can't land a flip in your dream. I don't think that's a common dream. I'm telling you.

No, you ever flip in your dream? Flip't land a flip in your dream. I don't think that's a common dream. I'm telling you. No, you ever flip in your dream? Flip? You ever fall in your dream? You ever feel like you're falling? Yeah, but then I wake up. I wake up from that usually. You land it? Yeah, we always have.

Everyone has a dream where you're in that twilight stage, and you trip, or you bump into something, and you go, and then you wake up, and then you realize you're awake. You know what? The dream you and I realized we both have that is very, very specific. Equal rights for everyone? Well, that dream died on Friday. But no, the dream is when you're flying in a plane. It only happens on planes.

Oh my God, this is a weird dream that we both have. This is weird. And I looked it up and I couldn't find similarities. What is it? What is it? So whenever you fall asleep on a plane, I would say one out of five times i have a dream where i'm in the plane the same plane maybe and we realize though that it's like you're in the front seat you can see out into like where

the plane is going almost like you're hang gliding right and it starts going low and going through cities and going under bridges and kind of turning and going through. And all of a sudden, there's these metropolises that come out of nowhere and the pilot decides to take a low, Very low. A low ride through all of these buildings.

And there is a, I would say in my dreams, there is a, I'm freaking out a little bit, but I'm very calm because I'm like out of control. I can't control this. The pilot's going to do it. I trust them because we keep going under these no one else seems to be freaking out yeah

there seems to be and andrew and i were both like because i i can talk to the pilot for some reason i don't know why i don't know where they is but i can kind of it's like you're in a bus yes yes yeah speaking of being in a bus like the out of control i was having i realized my phobia is passenger phobia. Okay, not having control. Being a passenger in a van that has too many people because I get scared of people not wearing their seatbelts and then when we flip, all the bodies go away or go around and hit each other because that's how people die a lot of times

when cars flip. Everyone goes, my friend lived because he wasn't wearing a seatbelt. Well, you're an asshole because maybe you might live, but you're going to hit a bunch of other people with your dumb ankles. He was on heroin. He was so chill that he just flew through the windshield and landed on his feet. Yeah.

Those stories. Wear your seatbelt. I know you're like, but I don't care if I die. Do it for other people because your body is going to fly around the van and hurt people. Well, you must have been scared sleeping in the bus. I was fucking terrified. Are there seatbelts on the bed? I almost bailed. I almost bailed on the whole thing because i was having so much anxiety about riding in a bus i was in colorado talking about it thinking about it because we have to

drive through the night um i don't know these bus drivers i don't know some of these one of the journeys was seven hours one was six the others were like four i mean it was four nights in a bus late at night we leave at three in the morning you wake up birds driving hammered yeah i mean i would have actually felt better about that then why do we just trust these buses we just trust people so much that we don't well i started looking into getting separate rides or yeah yeah it's their profession and there's unions and like laws so that's why can i ask question the beds they don't have seatbelts? No.

I would have loved that, but no one would have worn it. So it wouldn't have mattered. It would have been like a- If the bus fell to the side, I was in the bus. There were two buses of passengers, and I was in the bus with eight sleepers each, and I was in the non-comics bus i was with a bunch of the crew so troy conrad he's a photographer um and then a bunch of the other like producers on the team like they're he you don't understand he had three guys shooting video

one guy shooting photos three guys editing videos as the videos were being shot um another woman doing the stage managing another three women under her doing sit like it was so many people, so many moving parts, you know, people setting up backstage, setting up the catering, people making sure the buses were stocked with food, people making sure there was booze, people making sure that I had my luggage in the right place. Like it was a production. So I was on the bus with those people. And, um, I really did think about it Like, I didn't look up bus crashes because I knew that I couldn't handle it. But Big Jay Oakerson told me about a bus crash that I didn't even know about that happened.

And this is so wild. This was, I think it was. Man, I don't know what band it was. It wasn't. Metallica with Cliff Burton. The guy lost his arm. No, a bus crashed the basis. Def Leppard's the guy that had no arm. Who? Wait, what happened with Metallica with Cliff Burton. The guy lost his arm. No, a bus crashed the bassist. Def Leppard's the guy that had no arm.

Who? Wait, what happened with Metallica? I mean, I just expected Big J to tell you about Metallica's tour bus flipping. About every, he knows the best music stories ever. Yeah, so the bus flipped and killed the bassist, Cliff Burton. If anyone's going to go. What? That's nuts, and you're not wrong wait a second that's crazy

well he told me about one bus crash and it must might have been def leopard that they wouldn't have crashed maybe it wasn't them but it was enough it was a rock band they were leaving a venue and half the people went in a plane and half the people went in a bus and they were fucking with each other and the plane was trying to fuck with the bus and so the plane clipped the bus as they were going through like you know they were just trying to fuck with it the the plane hit the bus and the bus was sent off course and into a fucking tree or whatever and then people everyone on the bus fucking died and everyone in the plane survived yeah it's like the opposite of and then this is the weirdest thing when we were in South Carolina I looked up you know interesting

facts about Greenville South Carolina that's where Sweet Home Alabama Leonard Skinner's plane went down was in Greenville and so I said Greenville South Carolina of course you guys are well known as the place where you know Leonard Skinner's plane

crashed so that's why we're taking a bus and I was like and their hockey team was called or their baseball team was called the drive and i was like it was originally going to be called the fly but we they vetoed that but that but then big j told me the story of that so the plane crashes there's a bunch of survivors yeah it's wild the lead singer escapes from the plane wreckage, starts running to get help. They're out in the fucking boonies. He runs up to a farmhouse in the middle of the night, and the woman or man who he encounters there starts shooting at him because they think he's just a bloody intruder. The lead singer died. Okay, well, whoever ran up. So he survives a plane crash, and then he gets shot at.

Dude, that happened to my stepsister. Not that. That'd be wild she's like you don't understand my stepsister was in a southern rock band plane crash no she was in so many hits she drove a one this is one final one she drove a trans am off a cliff not kidding and then she escaped from the wreckage and someone thought she was a ghoul? She crawls up like an 80-foot ravine with a broken back.

Jesus Christ. Crawls to a house. This is your stepsister? Yeah, Melanie. Pretty badass. She had a lot of Red Bull. Yeah. She knocks on the door.

They open the door and they think it's a drug addict fucking with them and slam the door on her face. and they think it's a drug addict fucking with him fucking with him and slam the door on her face and she had to crawl to the next house with a broken back oh my god and then noah's dad buys the transam oh my god yep and drove me to ham drips junior high school yeah yeah yeah yeah it's pretty cool you know the story of jeffrey dahmer wait what happened to him um he he was in a band he almost got caught because he what he used to do i i believe it was domer this is in milwaukee he used to kidnap he

used to arrange gay prostitute like gay meetups maybe not even prostitutes with men and then he would you know and strangle them whatever incapacitate them and then he would drill in their brain and trip in like weird chemicals thatacitate them, and then he would drill in their brain and drip in weird chemicals that would make them zombies, and then he would eat parts of their brain and eventually kill them. But that's what he would do. He would drill in their brain places that he knew he could put liquids in

that would make them fucking catatonic. Was he a doctor or something or a scientist? No, I mean, he just probably had a library card. Without Google, that's pretty impressive. So one of the boys escaped from this. Oh, but he was zombied out? But he was zombied out. And so he was naked running around.

I could have the details a little bit wrong. He was running around. And the cops came. The cops found him. And Jeffrey came out and was like, it's my little brother. He's sick. He's mentally unwell. And took him back.

And then they found that kid's fucking head in his refrigerator later on and he could have been caught then there's so many stories of that we gotta go to break andrew roses roses that's it 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year,

offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early, well, How to Money will help you to change your relationship with money

so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right. How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors,

it's your perfect companion to stay on voices of correspondents and contributors it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now plus you'll get special content just for podcast listeners like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines listen on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out. We want to raise awareness and we want this to stop. Wow. Very powerful.

I'm Ellie Flynn and I'm an investigative journalist. When a group of models from the UK wanted my help, I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a playboy, my dog. Lingerie, topless. I said, yes, please. Because at the center of this murky world is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his pattern of behavior. He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it. He's everywhere and has been everywhere. It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated. Together, we're going to expose him and the rotten industry he works in. It's not just me. We're an army in comparison to him. Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

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I'm Dr. Laurie Santos, and to welcome the new year, my podcast, The Happiness Lab, is releasing a series of happiness how-to guides to help you in 2025. I'll distill the wisdom of world-class experts into easy-to-digest, actionable tips. It's about never feeling good enough. I feel like I'm always failing. You'll learn how to handle relationships, how to be inspiring,

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The Happiness Lab's How-To Season starts January 1st. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back. Oh, no. Roses? Sometimes you gotta know when to hold them. Know when to fold them. You didn't.

I don't even know that you held them or felt them. I didn't push them. Corey Feldman. God bless him. Did you get into anything yesterday? Get into anything. Wait. Oh, can I just share?

You sent me a list of things to do in St. Louis. Oh, that was wild. Oh, that I was at one of them? Yes. One of the eight. I've done three of the eight. Yeah, I sent him an out. There's this awesome page that I follow on Instagram of best of STL or something.

And it had all these outdoor dining experiences that I would never go do because I don't do that stuff. But Andrew does. And so I sent him it. And I was like, you need go to these places like brenda and him like to go to them and he was at one of the i didn't send him that one because that one looked the shittiest no offense but you were at that one i skipped that we start from the bottom we're like drake it was probably just a bad picture it looked i mean i zoomed in on it and it looked cool i mean it's one of those like micro breweries where everything has a weird name, like Toenails and Lamb or whatever.

You want something hoppy? Well, here's Dennis Hopper's Hops. Do you really subscribe to beer and all the different brewery and stuff? No, no. When you go there, what do you get? Do you get a Truly? Do you get a Vodka?

Oh, no. I got the lightest beer. It's called a Chris something. You know that doesn't mean it has the least amount of alcohol, right? No has 5.4 percent right oh you know and then same people people think with light cigarettes it's like oh oh oh less alcohol no it's just more easier on the palate i don't like a thick i've never liked it guinness is like the least amount of alcohol isn't that weird it's so weird yeah and my friend saralina it's like the best oh yeah

it's the least calories too um my friend sarah lena when she was breastfeeding like her doctor was like drink a lot of guinness what because it's like hoppy and and and uh has a lot of whatever i don't know things that babies need to get fucked up on fill those holes it's weird that women can drink and breastfeed it's yeah yeah pump and dump that's what they do my sister was breastfeeding or like pumping in yeah colorado you pump all all day long she was like nikki feel this bag it was like all her milk she was like this is all came out of me today and i'm just like what the hell and there was one moment where she left her hand pump at our Airbnb. She left her motorized pump parts at the Airbnb. So she had no way to get the milk out of her breast. And she was like, she's freaking out.

She was like, I need to do it now. And I'm like, well, we can Uber Eats a Target. Like, you know, we can do a run and get Uber Eats anything. Just have the guy drive over and take care of it. Yeah, get her baby on a no wait so wait so speed train what did she do with the bag i could see you know what i said i go we need to calm down here because what did women do what did native american women do before a hand pump or a breast pump are your boobs really gonna explode like because she just gets in this like but i nikki i need to right we

cannot go to Red Rocks. I was like, okay, can it wait an hour? No, it can't. I'm like, well, then why would you ever put yourself in a position where you're, you would be in? She goes, I don't. I usually have a hand pump and an electrical one, but I lost them both. And I'm like, well, then you should have a third thing, which is, I don't know.

I know moms are like, you don't get it, girl. But like, I don't know. There should, if I was in a position where my boobs would explode. Yeah, I would have maybe five backup plans for them to not explode. Just in case. I really would. But maybe I'm not. Maybe I don't know.

What are you supposed to do? So you're supposed to just milk your own tit. I know there's a way that doesn't involve a pump. It's not ideal, but I know there's a way. You get someone to suck on them. Yeah, you get a neighbor. I guess you're right. I mean, I would have done that. I would have pulled a, what's the, with the grapes of brass? Maybe you could suck through your hand

or something so you didn't have to latch on to her nipple. I just don't want to. I would suck on my brother's nipple to get, if he needed it. Yeah, I don't think I would feel any kind of sexual like feeling at all no no no the bruno sucked on my nipples the other day and and i don't know if i like it's yeah because you have so much nipple insecurity anyway yeah even with your girlfriend that you know loves

you you're still gonna have it tickles though it does tickle but wait so what did she do did she get the milk out? She calmed down for two seconds, and then everything was fine because my friend had a... This is my family and me. Something goes wrong, then everything's fucked. Then I'm not going to Red Rocks. I'm not doing anything. My boobs are going to explode, and we're all going to die.

That's what it goes to from zero to that. Yeah. And what it needed was, okay, what are other options? Because I don't know about this stuff. Can we Google options to get milk out that's not a pump? No, we don't need to do that. She can do that on her own. No, but I think we could help others.

No, mothers can do that. Sorry, I know you're all very busy. Mothers can figure it out on their own. I don't think that's something we need to google for them it just and i know i'm being insensitive but i'm not i it was just i just don't like someone going it just reminded me that's it's classic my dad like my sister and i are products of my dad and we catastrophize immediately why do you think he went he goes to those places like what he would do when you were kids? He said that it's because, yeah, all the time.

Well, I guess we're not going to go to Florida then. I don't know. Well, this traffic, we're going to miss our flight. We're not going to go to Florida. We're not going to get in. Because if we don't check in on time, then our whole hotel stay. Like, he would just go, keep going. And then it would be like, we're not going to Florida.

And then it would be us crying, being like, because we're five minutes late or like because of this traffic accident, because someone died in this traffic accident. Now we're mad at a dead person. Like he taught us to like, everything is out to get us and everything's inconveniencing us. And we are the victims. And I remember getting older and being like,

why do you do this all the time? Every time there is a chance where it could go good or go bad, it's always bad. And then, you know, from then on it's bad, bad, bad.

And he said, because then when it's good, it's all the, it's all the better. Cause you could, you thought it was going to be bad. So it's good. You have no expectations.

Yeah. And that is why I have a term called, or that's why I often say the phrase i haven't earned a nap yet because i have a father who only who likes to put things make things so bad so that you can enjoy them yes wow it all adds up it all adds up there i mean i don't know if that's direct correlation but there's something there i think there has to be oh but yeah that that pessimism that like well all right well then i guess we're not going then the brewery was good but then we sat outside and it was four women with four babies just talking about babies and weddings so loud that

it's like i know we're outside i know that you guys are having a nice girls conversation, but it's just like, I don't know. It was just like, they're going to have 40 people at the wedding. Why don't they have this kind of wedding? And it's just like all the same conversation. Yes. And then it's like, and my baby's this, and my baby's that. And we're just trying to listen to music

and just enjoy our little crispy beers. And it's just like, their voices are just it was like the girl the woman on the plane the other day yeah it's just like your person's right next to you they're so proud of their lives that they quietly hate and that they drink wine every night to escape that they need to show off in front of their friends and they definitely need to be louder around a pretty girl who's probably not married to make her feel bad about that. She doesn't have the things that like they probably clock the people around them that are actually want to make them jealous. They want to.

Yeah, exactly. That are enjoying life. And they want to like, you know, you see you see any girl with a boyfriend or that couple clearly doesn't have a baby. If you talk about your baby, you know, you used to be a girl that wanted a baby. You know it's gonna bother her. You know it's gonna secretly make you feel better about yourself that you have something that this person doesn't have,

even though you don't even like what you have now and it's kind of ruining your life and you kind of regret it. You need a Jaguar. Yeah, exactly. And then you just talk about your wedding so loudly. There is no reason for anyone to talk that loudly unless you have a hearing issue.

And four women do not all have a hearing issue together it is were they drunk uh they weren't that drunk it was still kind of early in the day but i also like when they come up with their new baby and maybe they haven't seen the baby yet and there's always a baby reveal with a stroller because it has a convertible stroller. And it's always a mom going, ta-da. And this baby was so ugly, dude. Really? It wasn't messed up or anything. It was just a strong head, this baby.

Right. And if I was her friend, I would. I don't think you would know. No, you would say to Ari, but you wouldn't say it to a girl. You do not say it to a mother that your baby is not attractive. You wouldn't say it. And the thing is, Andrew, you won't know if your baby is unattractive. You won't think it is.

What do you mean? Oh, you think you have baby filter with your eyes? Oh, with your own eyes. You can't admit that your own baby is ugly? No, you can't. My sister-in-law admits that her third child has a gigantic head that looks like a rock. That doesn't mean ugly. Yeah.

That doesn't mean ugly. Yeah. That doesn't mean ugly. Yeah. People with dogs, even, I just go, your dog is not cute. Some people's dogs, I'm sorry, I'm going to be controversial right now.

Well, that's what I was doing. No, babies, everyone talks about ugly babies. They do. I was just saying, you're right about ugly babies. I'm just saying, no woman, you would never tell a woman her baby was ugly. Everyone I was just saying You're right about ugly babies I'm just saying The person You wouldn't

No woman You would never tell a woman Her baby was ugly Maybe your dude friends I went up there I go you know what Next round's on me Because your baby's fucking disgusting

Next round should probably be On someone else too If your genetics had anything To do with that lady Next round I'm going to use your baby's head As a coaster Don't use your husband

Use me Maybe we'll fix something Yeah Dogs Not a fan of a lot of dogs In the way they look Don't use your husband. Use me. Maybe we'll fix something. Yeah. Dogs. Not a fan of a lot of dogs in the way they look. This is going to offend listeners. Because people are so obsessed

with their dogs that if you don't like their kind of dog... I'm ready to be controversial. What? It depends what brand you're going after. And it's not the dog. I love all animals. I love fucking house centipedes i want every animal to live and have a great life i'm right out of the gate you can't get mad at me i'm a vegan if you're not a vegan and you're like but my you said my dog's ugly i said your dog's ugly and i don't like the

look of it i didn't say it deserves to die you're the one eating animals so So I have, that's already, I'm starting from that. Okay. Shih Tzus. Sorry. I don't like them. They are not cute. Some of them can be cute. They can like move in ways that are cute. Actually, I love Shih Tzus, but I don't like a little, I don't like when they go to the vet and they get little rubber bands in their hair.

I don't like that they have like a white mustache. I don't like. Can we pull up a Shih Tzu? I'm thinking I know what a Shih Tzu. Some little like teacup kind of dog. They just remind me of a grandmother's dog. They always have like. Listen, Marion has a lot of dirt in her eyes, but she has a more wiry like fur.

She's a little big dog. And she has like an underbite that is super ugly, but cute. But Shih Tzus that have like perfectness to them. Yes. Like a perfect Shih Tzu. Not an ugly. I like an ugly Shih Tzu. But a one that's perfect that has like oh wait that's cute okay i take it back shih tzus are cute okay i don't like one of these wait here nikki's not giving a fuck right now oh that one

yeah the one on the top left wait this one has a rubber band no thank, thank you. Yorkies, which by the way. They're always grandma dogs. Luigi is part Yorkie. Spoiler alert for the show. Who's your doggy? Oh, whoa. He's a third. He's about a third Yorkie. And I don't like Yorkies.

They look like little. You remember when the Ottoman and Beauty and the Beast came alive and it was like a dog? It was like. They're like that. They don't have expressions. They don't have expressions. They don't ever go... They just have their mouth closed and their stupid fur is so straight and perfect.

And I just don't like it. Oh, that's... Aren't they tall? No, they're little. And then my number one hated dog. Oh, boy. This should be a... Top one, bottom one? Well, what's it called? A basset hound just won, actually.

Basset hounds, not crazy basset hounds. They remind me of my vagina skin, but I think they're cute. What, red eyes? The dog said... Let me just say, Yorkies are cute. All dogs are cute, except dogs with human eyes. I'm sorry, Carlisle Forrester. Your dog has human eyes.

It is cute. There are times where it looks pretty when it's closing its eyes when it's looking out the window. She's cute. But human eye dogs, no, no. With blue eyes

and pupils that you can see, they are not cute. They scare me. I think they deserve love. I think they are sweet. I think they are good doggies, but I don't like them. And I would adopt one because I love all animals. But sometimes Kiwi, they are sweet i think they are good doggies but i don't like them and i would and if i i would

adopt one because i love all animals but sometimes kiwi when i used to have a bird yeah well i used to have a bird kiwi that i loved more than anything but sometimes birds will be like hormonal in a way that their eyes my sister and i used to see it their eyes will get super small and they'll have they'll have like a cornea almost. Like usually their eyes are all black which makes a cute baby. That's why babies, animals, their eyes are all black because it's a cute, adorable looking thing and you're less likely to prey upon something that is adorable

and defenseless. Bunnies with big black eyes, when they get pupils that like zero in on things and you can see the color of their eye iris, disgusting. And Kiwi used to get that and so even I have animals and you can see the color of their eye, iris. Disgusting. And Kiwi used to get that. And so even I have animals that kind of make me sick sometimes.

Luigi, he never goes, he always has his mouth shut. And I love that about him. He has a very dry mouth for a dog. No. I mean, look at him right now. He really does. Do you know what I mean? He has a dry mouth. I've never seen him drool.

No, he never drools In this heat He will go on a short walk and be like And he'll look like he's smiling But he always looks depressed He has a very Joker face when he's smiling Oh that's how they sweat I had a quick question for you

Our little dog looks like the white watchers Looks like a wolf. Looks like Falcor from the Neverending Story. It is a beautiful dog, though. I'm really sorry, Carlisle. I actually do love that dog, and I've come to learn to love Chloe, even though she has human eyes.

But I would have those removed if I were her. I would pull a Natalie from the pod a couple episodes ago. I like a human with dog eyes. You never see that. The other day you did when I got dilated. Oh, my God. That was wild.

You look like true blood. Yeah, yeah. Wait, what was your question, though? So we have these hummingbirds that come to our feeder. And the other day I was wondering, like, what do birds do all day? Do they just fly around or, like, do they sit on a branch i think hummingbirds that's a good question i think they are probably in their little nests um but i do think they fly during the day but i think that takes so much energy to flood your wings that much that they constantly need to be eating so i think they are constantly

fluttering around but mostly they kind of like hop around and they sit in trees, I think. I think maybe, you know what I always wondered about pigeons was where do they go? Because they're everywhere during the day on the sidewalk. And I know they go up high in the buildings to nest. But where'd they be at? Squirrels. Yeah, I mean, look, their whole lives are just,

they're just looking for food all day. Whales are the squirrels of Cobb. Imagine if we didn't have food and we had to find food every day. That's what they do. That's their day. That's what we do do. But it's pretty easy, easy.

Yeah. You know what I mean? All right. Let's get to the news. Maybe we'll listen. You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first.

Oh, man. It's Tuesday, folks. You know what that means? It is Tuesday. I hope you're having all the swells. Apparently, you are because it is nice out. It's 85 degrees here in St. Louis, so I imagine it's probably pretty nice where you are.

Back to you, Noah. Wait, can I tell you about my dentist? See if you reckon it. My dentist's name is Dr. Bacula, which I love because guess what? Mitch Hedberg used to have a joke that was like, yeah, I see a dentist his name is dracula or uh you could also pronounce it dr acula and so i think it's crazy that it's close to that joke which i butchered it's something like

that but his his uh uncle is scott bacula why do i know that name quantum leap one of the biggest stars of the 80s who just happened to be the most famous person that ever went to my high school i'm second place i think um but and people go well you're probably the number one who the fuck is scott bacula if you were in the 80s yes scott bacula was i mean bradley cooper levels of famous so it would be like you know i i'm in no comparison to scott bacula was i mean bradley cooper levels of famous so it would be like you know i i'm in no comparison to scott bacula but uh my dentist is dr bacula scott bacula's do you look like him um i don't know what scott bacula looks i know he's on ncis now oh he looks very different than he did back then he's a handsome guy very tall

very low voice good hair great hair a lot of chest hair i remember oh really yeah but i got a filling and uh it's so fun they asked if i wanted nitrous and i couldn't say yes fast enough i was like yeah and then i remembered being a kid getting the tubes over my nose to get nitrous when i did you used to get it yeah i've gotten a laughing gas yeah yeah i as a kid i had a flashback to remembering and this is before i ever did cigarettes drug like i was this is fourth fifth grade getting fillings which i got all the time because i ate so much candy i remember not knowing what nitrous did just knowing that they gave it to me i had no concept of what this could be i didn't know what drugs were i didn't know what an altered

state of mind was and i used to come up with a tool where i'd go i'd breathe out of my mouth and i'd suck it through my nose as much as possible so i was already like a drug addict when i was a kid like i remember not making it really tight over my nose and worrying about that it wasn't tight enough that i wasn't getting enough and i would get so loopy and i would stare at the little pieces on the wall that i was doing again today you, like the wall of a dentist is the same everywhere where it has this like kind of spackled tiling. And then I would stare at a spot and I would try to keep staring at that spot

and be like, that spot has never gotten stared at before. And I'm going to give that spot its due. It was so weird. But I was doing that all again today. What is the music in dentist's office is always like that, like, not elevator, but like slow jams like like soft rock and i'll be yes today the soap opera on tv yes there would be soap operas on tv yes there would

be daytime motivation on the wall like some kind of yes courage it takes yes one man to leap through his own teeth to get braces or something. All for you. It's hard to say what it is I see. The one time at the dentist that I went to in New York, who I love that dentist, I forget his name now, but he would play Sirius, but he would play his station that he liked. And one day it really was, and I've said this before,

it was, you're a crazy bitch, but you fuck so good i'm on top of everyone and he was in my mouth when this was going on jesus christ put a glove on yeah it was wild all right yeah i have insane dentist story i'll save it for after the news keep them all right wait is it from recently no of course not okay i was gonna say one of those kids at the driving range today asked if i was lost a tooth just walked by me he goes do you lose a tooth and i go i'm wealthy you know do you know me wait why did he ask that i had gum in my mouth i go it's gum he's like no i'm talking about your shitty teeth no no he did it but i was just like dude that's like pretty i've never been asked that in my life if you lose a tooth i don't know i was like fuck you kid your tooth fairy's

not coming for you he's like you're right did he find a tooth on the ground and he was just no i was chewing white gum and i think he saw the gum in my mouth and he thought i just had a tooth floating around that you were just chewing on yeah your tooth fairy went broke she just had a tooth floating around. That you were just chewing on? Yeah. Big fan. Your tooth fairy went broke. She had a hard year. My mom had to sell the Jaguar to get me the money. We can't keep up with all this. They got rid of my pillows just so they have anywhere to put the cash. Fucking Jesus.

I miss my teeth. Okay. What's up, Noah? All right. So there's a new study, and it finds that going to a festival can leave you more connected to humanity and more willing to help strangers

for at least six months afterwards. Whoa, that's a long run. Like a music festival? Or any festival? Any kind of festival. A compassion hangover for six months afterwards. Yeah. A strawberry festival.

A bluegrass festival. A Coachella. I saw some TikTok words like, if you're 50 years old, we don't want you at a festival. You don't belong at a festival. No way. Yeah, I swear. There's a lot of TikToks I come across that are ironic. They're making fun of... They're so good at pretending to be cringe that they're making fun of it're so good at pretending to be cringe oh that they're making fun

of it so a lot of times i've been like this every time i see it on reddit there has to be a discussion in the comments about is this real or not because this person might be mocking people who actually make videos gotcha but this person was real it felt it felt like you know there's always that one like older guy that's just enjoying himself really free it's really young people really don't think they're gonna age they really don't think they'll ever be the guy and guess what i secretly don't think i will either i'm 38 but i really do not plan on being 60 at some point how was seeing bare naked ladies by the way if i here's here's i'll tell you what being in that song with a million dollars what'd you you say? Listen to that song when you have a million dollars. I'd be at this concert

milking my sister's tits. I spent $900 on four tickets and three of the people that went with me. Yes, that's everyone that went with me. Didn't really enjoy it. I had to leave before the finale. Was it well before the finale? Yes, about three songs before it.

And for six months now, you're going to be're gonna be a better i had a million dollars i would buy tickets to a show and not get to hear the song a million dollars because it was ninth on the set list and my friends got really tired i had to leave fucking early why because uh they had to get up early no i was the only one that had to get up early no that's not true open only one that had to get up early. No, that's not true. Who opened for them? Gin Blossoms and Toad the Wet Sprocket. We got there for Gin Blossoms, which were great. But here's the wild thing.

And by the way, they didn't want to- You missed a Wet Sprocket? They wanted to leave early because it wasn't as great as we would have hoped. And I will give them that. And I would have stayed to the end if they weren't there, but they were, and I didn't mind leaving early. I really didn't. Gin Bl and bare naked ladies i did not know first of all gin

blossoms those songs are so good i love them so much i realized i didn't do my research the guy that wrote you know gel hey jealousy and then the other follow you down and then there was another one that i loved he killed himself oh like the same year they blew up he couldn't take it like so he did i think there's one live performance of them after they blew up on letterman and then he killed himself and so the lead singer was not the writer of the songs it was the lead guitarist he killed himself so they kept going but the person that wrote those songs which for me i don't really like singers as much as i like songwriters singers are great if they write the songs too but i'm not really interested in hearing people sing songs to other people's work

that they didn't write themselves i mean yes i love whitney houston and mariah carey celine dion right no mariah carey writes all her own songs oh she does I know isn't that impressive Britney Spears but it there's something added when the person wrote the song it just is

and so it took something from me to see them even though his voice was still perfect the Jim Blossom's lead singer perfect they were great

they were truly great Barenaked Ladies they start and I'm like where's the other guy they broke up they split up in 2005 the Barenaked They broke up. They split up in 2005. The Barenaked Ladies I know and love split up in 2005.

So there used to be two of them. I just remembered a brown hair guy. I know there was two. I remember there was two. There's one with glasses that goes, hold it. No, that guy's the one that does Chickadee China, the Chinese chicken. The guy that sings that part, he is not in the band anymore. That's like the main dude.

And then the other guy that's like... So who does his part? They all do. Just music? Just instrumental? Ed Robertson, who is still in the band, is fucking amazing and covers both parts seamlessly. But there is something... I think that...

I had talked to Baba Boo earlier on in the day, weirdly enough, because I did a thing for Howard Stern, and he told me that the guy that left Barenaked Ladies is fine with leaving them because he wrote the theme song for Big Bang Theory, so he gets all of the residuals from that, and he'll be set for life. Even though they did do that song during the show, which I think they can, you can do. What are you doing? What are you? Counting the syllables.

Barenaked Ladies, Big Bang Theory. Very similar. It all adds up. Oh my God. What's this conspiracy theory? I'm just seeing a lot of math right now. Very similar. It all adds up. Oh my god, what's this conspiracy theory? I'm just seeing a lot of math right now. But they didn't play the hits. They played Brian Wilson. They played Million Dollars,

which I didn't see because it was at the end. But I saw the set list later on. They played It's Been. They played... Kirsten, by the way, does the best It's Been that has ever been recorded. It is seriously flawless. Yeah, it's a good one. Yours is a good one.

Real quick though. Wait, do we have time to tell this before the break? Boom, boom, boom. All right, you want, let's take a quick break and come back with more of this, whatever this is. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year,

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The ability to approach somebody and make them experience desire for you in minutes or even hours is a rare and rather unnecessary skill, historically speaking. The Happiness Lab's How To Season starts January 1st. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Columbine, I went there a second time, right? So I went at night with the ghost woman. No, this is good. You'll like this.

No, I told the ghost woman's story to Brenna today in the car, and she kind of found it fascinating. It is fascinating. Thank you. I'm glad someone did. Okay, so you guys were just like, okay. But I probably told it wrong. So during the day, we go.

We want to hear her side. I would love to hear her side. Oh, my God. Ghost woman. If someone can locate ghost Christian woman somewhere, which by the way, last night, I have to say, I got a little bit nervous, but Colbert's never had me on

and he never is gonna have me on. But I'm a little annoyed. I saw a clip of Colbert doing, he tosses to a really funny sketch that I'm sure was written by his writers who are on the right side of things. And I believe Colbert's on the right side of things and i believe colbert's on the right side of things but he's a practicing devout catholic yeah and

roe versus wade was overturned because of religion and because of powerful men and in religion and it all catholicism is a bad thing and i know that you might be catholic out there why and it's the catholic church does good. Like I said yesterday, I love people that get saved by Jesus and get their life together. Like I'm spiritual. I believe in God. Catholicism is disgusting.

It's a bad, it's they, they, you should see the amount of there just was a list. There's like been 103,000 children molested by like the Catholic church aided and abetted there. It's, it's a bad organization and

i don't care if i lose followers from it i don't like catholicism catholics i do like i just think that they are they are being you know brainwashed brainwashed thank you so colbert which i've always felt like why is he catholic how can you be that funny and that like and i get it his he lost his family in a plane like and he did a character he did a character for a lot of his career I'm just saying I know but he

but he's still the person that you know I know that outwardly spoken against Trump and the Republicans like doing the right stuff yes

but last night he pitched to this I saw online he pitched this video about like girls doing pregnancy it's a commercial for pregnancy tests. And all you do is piano stick and you find out if you have a rights or not.

It's really funny. So like, it just says rights or no rights. And it's always no rights. And then it's like a girl is like, and then at one point there's like Brett Kavanaugh's face shows up on it. And the girl's like, I'm going to do this again.

And they're like, you can't, those aren't reasonable. She's like, I just want to pee on his face. And it's funny, but I don't know that I just want to pee on his face and it's funny but I don't know that I really want to have my political satire about women slowly losing their rights

in in such a profound way that like my mom my mom cried when she got the news like women whether or not you understand this and you're a woman out there listening, being like, it's not that big of a deal. It is a big deal. I was on the road, so I wasn't able to let it like in my heart and how bad this is and how it's not looking good. And as a woman who doesn't even know, I can't even conceive probably. So it's not going to affect me. But of course it will affect me because, you know, it's going to affect everyone that women

can't get access to abortion. And it's terrifying. And everyone that women can't get access to abortion. And it's terrifying. And it has nothing, nothing, nothing to do with children's lives. Some people are very anti-abortion because of children's lives. God love you. You have a right to feel that way. I really love you. If you think that life begins at conception, if you think it's murder, like, I will hear your argument.

But this is not about that this is about men wanting to control women's bodies and being threatened and wanting to punish women for being quote-unquote sluts that's what i believe and i believe it is also and you know i'm i'm an idiot but i believe it is religion this is all religion based in that we are we give more you know we we pretend like the bible is facts but the bible gets more credibility as factual than i was going to say when we were in the mississippi show in brandon mississippi that got canceled i was going to say you know i looked up interesting facts about brandon mississippi but it said you're in mississippi do you mean interesting fake news about because facts

don't matter but the bible does for some reason. Anyway, I just put on my Instagram last night, I don't like Colbert giving me political satire about this as a devout practicing Catholic. No. And I wonder if anyone else feels that way because I just feel like it's hypocritical. Meanwhile, I'm the biggest fucking hypocrite alive about many, many things. I realize no one can be perfect.

I'm grateful that he even seminates things that might go against his Catholic beliefs, but I still find it a little bit wonky. And I really don't want to hear men giving comedy about this. I don't really want to, unless you're actually furious about it, I don't want quirky comedy about like, pee on a stick and find out if you have rights.

How insane is that? That's a comedy bit that we're joking that women it's so close. We're literally losing our rights. This is episode one of Handmaid's Tale, which is the only episode I've seen because it was so fucking scary that all it's a modern society where women suddenly all their money is being shifted to their husband's bank accounts. That is not that far off from this. You guys, I don't believe and maybe I hope I'm proven wrong no i mean some of these states not funny including missouri it's not funny it's fucking wild like some of these red states like even if like in alabama if you get raped by your own father and you're 12 years old you have

to carry the baby to term or you go to jail for life like that's literally the law right now like that is the actual law that if you like it's just you know certain state missouri being one of them missouri if you go in for like an atopic pregnancy and you need to they like what some of these states they just won't do it you'll have to go and then you probably you might die because you gotta drive 10 hours and you gotta then you gotta prove you gotta prove to them that you're sick enough to get an abortion you gotta prove that you're dying oh yeah and some of them can opt out of it and by the way a list came out the new york times put out yesterday where everyone was like praising all these companies for being able to pay for

women's abortions to fly out of state yeah fuck that list thank you for those companies stepping up what woman wants to tell her fucking boss that she needs to go get an abortion not to mention and what these are all companies these are fortune 500 companies no one i want to see hollister make this rule or best buy or schnooks well i saw it's not going to happen a quick trip yeah i saw those companies i saw something interesting with that in the sense of these companies are like yeah we're doing it because they shouldn't have to do it but because it would cost them more if women actually got pregnant and had babies and not and not work right right so it could like it's actually like something on a balance sheet somewhere where

they're like listen if we just send these women off to las vegas for a weekend yeah girls weekend here's some fentanyl go to town but the other thing too is that uh with these companies to be able to like like it's not going to be as easy as like oh here's four grand you're gonna have to go through so many steps to get the money to you know what i mean it's not like oh here's four grant you're gonna have to go through so many steps to get the money to you know what i mean it's not like oh we'll take care of your finances afterwards this is and by the way getting abortions isn't fun no one wants to get one by the way this isn't girls aren't using it as you know maybe i'm not gonna say no one uses it as contraception and it's like oh i'll just get abortion not a big deal of course people have that. That is not what is going on here. And if you make a high school girl who had sex

keep her baby because you decided to have sex, girl who doesn't even know how to drive yet, who is not old enough to go fight in war, who's not old enough to have a gun, even though you wish she were, because you're trying to change that law probably, how is that girl able to make a decision to have sex? And I have a joke in my act now about, and it's not even about Roe versus Wade, how is that girl able to make a decision like to have sex? And do you,

and I have a joke in my act now about, and it's not even about Roe versus Wade, but it's about, you know, teaching girls how to give handjobs early on, like in middle school as a part of sex ed so that girls don't sleep with boys too soon because girls know they need to get guys off. They want guys to like them. Girls in high school are not having sex because they enjoy sex.

Maybe some of them are because they started in middle school and they figured it out. But sex with, I go in my act, I say, have you ever fucked a high schooler not having sex because they enjoy sex maybe some of them are because they started in middle school and they figured it out but sex with i go in my act i say have you ever fucked a high schooler come on it's not enjoyable i was a teacher and then people go oh and i go and so i've talked to my students about it yeah it's a joke but it girls are not having sex in high schools because they're such sluts and they need to get their holes filled and they just love it so much and they can't help it they don't care about the consequences because they're just slutty sluts that want boys just want to control men they do it because they want boys to like them so for them to be punished by bringing a life into this world for that you're you're fucking insane and that's all i'll say also women have to do so much

to not get pregnant yeah you have to do so much just to get fucking just to fuck normally you have to do so much i swear to god there is no we all know that it takes two to tango but there is no talk of any accountability there's no talk of condoms there's no talk of abstinence there's no talk of literally teaching girls how to give handjobs there's no preventative thing. Talk about- Well, they want to get rid of contraception. Well, if you think abortion is being used as contraception, you're giving them no choice

because there's no way to prevent sex before that because girls and girls are being sexualized so much sooner than ever before because of TikTok. Like men want women to be sexualized younger because they're gross. And yet they punish them when they do enjoy sex at a younger age or an older age. I don't care when you're getting an abortion. And God, I mean.

I hate the Constitution stuff, too, because then the Constitution, I heard. I mean, Second Amendment is already like we're like, come on. That was written when there were muskets that needed to be took 15 minutes to load or whatever. They like to say, well, the gun stuff was actually in there to get a amendment you need like 67 approval rate which is impossible that will never happen all i want is just people to be mad that's all like and i know that anger is just a scary thing especially for a woman i don't need for myself i felt guilty on friday because i just didn't care it almost felt like when the uvalde shooting happened and i was talking on this podcast where i was and i even posted like i'm done

like i was reading that parkland book like i know what what the gun legislation is like it's never gonna happen i give up and i want to not be in that state of like it's over i give up because that's when they win yeah we cannot stop being mad we cannot stop being loud and angry even when they're pulling us away and locking us up we still need to be angry because you can't give up dan rather had this great quote that i posted on my instagram that i just want to read um and that will go to our reddit dump and we'll get off this subject but i just needed to say something about it the dan rather quote that i love um that is now gone but my dad sent it to me fuck hold on let is now gone, but my dad sent it to me.

Fuck, hold on. Let me just pull this up. My dad sent it to me because he was like, oh, I really liked it. You know, in my dad's voice. One second, one second, one second, one second. Dad, where are you?

Where are you, Dad? Where are you? One second. I'm so sorry. Edgler. Oh, so the Dan Rather, it was on like a series of things that he had written,

but it said, sometimes major setbacks proceed and even spur transformational victories. So this is a major, major setback. But sometimes it's a thing you need to happen where they take too much. They take in a little here and there. They keep whittling it off in a way that we get angry, but not all of us get angry. This is such an egregious one that feels like such a loss and maybe the end of times for women in a way. But it also could be the thing

that their mistake that they made, that they took too much and now we're gonna fucking get really mad. You know what I was thinking about that? Because I think this can be an amazing catalyst. I know women don't want to hear guys say that, that, oh, we can bounce back from that. No, we want your support, please.

I want men to be outspoken. But what I'm worried about, and I thought, I don't know, this is a weird conspiracy I might have, that like, so in the past, presidents like,

you have, they have the ability to not listen to the Supreme Court. Like, I don't know exactly how it's done, but they have done, there's precedent of them going, no,

we're not listening to you fucking nine, fuck, or eight, whatever, fuck you. We're not doing what, it happened with slavery with Lincoln. Yeah. what i'm worried about is biden does that and then republicans go hey look at how they're not listening to the supreme court and then the republicans use it to say they're not

wow they're going over us they don't even care they use that to fucking yes that's like a conspiracy i uh that hopefully isn't true I just want to remind people because I didn't know this and we really will move on but I know if you're annoyed with what I'm saying please don't skip past this because I don't think people in our age and even lower know this Clarence Thomas who is the one

that reversed Roe vs. Wade he was one of the think for a second do you know what he did what he was tried for what he was accused of by anita hill because i didn't know i mean i knew yeah little things but i was a young child at the time clarence thomas who is one of the supreme court justices uh a woman who served oh here's another woman okay so let me just get it straight so i know all the details um anita and it's for fucking life these supreme court fucking guys are in there for life what else

is like for and they get in at fucking like 40 so in 1991 president george bush nominated clarence thomas uh blah blah blah um he had good character he was being presented as a primary qualification for the high court because he had only been a judge for slightly more than one year oh that means that seems like he'd be great um thomas's nomination and his confirmation seemed assured until a report of a private interview of hill anita hill by the fbi was leaked to the press the hearings were then reopened and hill was called publicly to testify so in 1991 october 11 1981 in televised hearings that Clarence Thomas had sexually harassed her while he was her supervisor at the Department of Education. So,

here we go, when questioned on why she followed Thomas to the second job after he had already allegedly harassed her, why would she do that? She said that she said working in a reputable position within the civil rights field had been her ambition. Okay, so you put up with stuff even, especially stuff

that you know you're never going to actually have justice over. Also, your next boss will probably do the same thing. Yeah. You know what I mean? She said, and at the time it appeared that his sexual overtures had ended when she took the second job. So this is what he used to...

So Thomas asked her out socially many times during her two years of employment as his assistant. And after she declined his request, he used work situations to discuss sexual subjects. He spoke about having sex with animals, having sex with women, films showing group sex or rape scenes. He's talked about his own sexual prowess and details of his anatomy. Hill also recounted an instance in which Thomas examined a can of Coke on his desk and asked, who has put pubic hair on my Coke? He put pubic hair on a can of Coke.

That was a thing he did, I believe. That's a jackass prank. This guy is still, why is he still there? He's also gotten money from political parties before. Like, that's proven. And like four of them also said they weren't going to overturn Roe versus Wade in their interviews.

If anyone has an extra, because I'll go through this whole thing later, maybe pepper and stuff throughout the week, but we need to remember that, and talk about Brett Kavanaugh, I mean, accused of rape as well. Itt kavanaugh i mean accused of rape as well i'm sorry if you've been accused of rape yeah you don't get to be on the supreme court there's a lot of people that haven't been accused of rape yeah and i know you're like well then

anyone would just come up and say i he raped me and no did you did you watch her testimony come on she doesn't no one's a good no one wants she doesn't want to be famous and no did you did you watch her testimony come on she doesn't no one's a good no one wants she doesn't want to be famous and no she doesn't want that give me one example of a rape victim who has gotten famous from accusing someone of rape i just give me one the only person that i can think of that has had a career based off and i'm not saying that all whiskey no no no i'm not saying wait before you go into me i know she's famous because of what happened she i'm not saying wait before you go into me i know she's famous because of what happened she i'm not saying she used that as she'd rather that not happen oh yeah of course but i'm just saying i'm thinking of someone that i could even think of but that made an accusation not no she

she turned it into a handbag company this bitch did not want to be famous i'm talking about someone who clearly their motive was i want a tv show i want to be on. I'm talking about someone who clearly their motive was, I want a TV show. I want to be on TV. I'm just saying she's the only one I can think of. No, she only got famous. She didn't want to be famous. She got famous from it. That's my point.

My point is I can't even think of another one. So there isn't anyone. Yeah. Yeah, there's no one. Okay, Reddit dump. Well, Johnny Depp. He just got 300 million. Did you do that?

No, disgusting. But you know what? I believe this is your reddit dump final thoughts on johnny depp and amber heard i think they're both terrible okay that's it yeah i'm not blaming i'm not victim shaming johnny depp i'm sure he was a victim to abuse from amber heard but do i think he was a saint hell no do i think she was a victim to abuse from Amber Heard but do I think he was a saint hell no do I think she was a victim to yes I do okay final thought okay so here's your reddit dump we're getting on to light stuff

thank you if you stayed through that are we gonna do another final thought oh sorry I didn't mean to say final thought don't keep it in I mean reddit dump okay so um here's a great question that I wanted your input on because I really don't know the answer to this.

I believe I know my answer, but Noah and Andrew, I want you to weigh in. This is from dating advice, dating underscore advice. Can you be completely platonic with someone after you have had sex with them? Now this is from someone who wrote, so I'm a female in a long distance relationship with a guy. He has a friend that really likes him and obviously has a crush on him they had sex once a long time ago he said he was bored with no attachment at the time and he had zero attraction towards her that's in quotes they are going out to a movie this weekend and honestly i'm jealous one i'm not afraid that he will start to like her or want to have sex with her two i'm just jealous that she gets to go on a date with him while i can't even get to see him three i would be completely fine if they were going with another

friend not just the two of them. My questions are, am I wrong for feeling this way? Can this relationship be completely platonic after they had sex? How many times did they have sex? I'm sorry. One time. Just one time.

What do you think? Yeah, I think, yeah, one time. Yeah. I think it's like a lasting relationship. I even think a relationship. I know. That'd be hard for me still. But what about like an ex-wife that like they've been through it, they had kids?

Like if I dated a guy who had an ex-wife in his life and they were still friends and maybe she lived in the house next door and they like co-parented, I wouldn't give a fuck. Because he'd be with her if he wanted to be. Here's the thing with that. It's so definite. Like it's so like we're broken up. We went through the divorce. We're definitely separated. And it's not really a friend. If it's a little. Right? up we went through the divorce we're definitely separated if

it's a little right yeah it's what if they are friends there are some people that stay best friends with their ex-wife i know like actually a few people guys that are like actually we just turned into the greatest friends and we love each other so much they say i love you you know i wish i could say i'd be completely fine i'd be fine if they're friends no i'm talking about you yeah if you think about someone that you've had sex with in the past, do you think that you could be in a totally platonic relationship? Oh, yes. Yes. So the answer is yes.

Yes. It's true. I could. But whether or not you'd be okay with it does not matter because the fact is you'd be okay with it and it would not be about sex. But if someone like if your girlfriend in this situation had a problem with it she would be wrong because you're telling me that you could totally have that so it doesn't matter if I wish I was

the other way too like I wish but can't you see then that maybe it would be the same of course Noah I know that you were kind of answering for like if your boyfriend were friends with like if you were this girl but the question at the beginning is can you be completely platonic can you know be completely platonic with someone after you have had sex with them uh from experience i had a friends with benefits situation i was able

to be platonic and then he was able to be platonic too and we both got into separate relationships but our friendship kind of dwindled and i think um because we had sex he thought that like he could you know just be like extra flirty with me and stuff um and i think it just fizzled out it didn't work but not from jealousy or anything it just naturally fizzled gotcha it's interesting the guy's like friends with benefits and it's like oh no no i just wanted benefits do you know what he did to me i didn't want friends i just wanted benefit like you weren't your benefits with benefits like you were just benefits both of us started hooking up after we both got out of relationships that we wanted to be out of and then when i got into a

new relationship um it was like brand new we were at a bar and I introduced him to my new boyfriend. And he goes, oh, yeah, she's a wild one or something like that. And from there, my ex was like, something's up with those two. No, no. See, that's where the other person tries to threaten. Because it really is about the other person. Like this girl doesn't trust the other girl. She trusts her her boyfriend she just doesn't trust the other girl that this girl is thinking she has a one-up that's why i always say if chris were to if like you know if anything if

our relationship were to open up in any way which it's not but if we ever did something like that i would need the girl that he goes out with or spends time with or if he was you know there's people that i think he's been with that he's now friends with that he spent he spends alone time with if they're in the same city and they meet up he just has to be very clear to them that he is in a relationship with me like he has to tell them and then as long as they know that try all you want honey it's just like good luck to you and that's how i feel but if if it were a thing where he's if someone is choosing to be friends with someone they slept with before and they're not bringing me in on it or they're not like as or not not that he just talks to me

like if he doesn't invite me to or like make me want to be like i can choose whether or not i want to be friends with this girl that he slept with before this is a you know a fake scenario but if i want to be friends with her and she doesn't and he doesn't allow that or like keeps it separate keep it separated i'm gonna have a problem final interesting so if you're in the same my i've i would find it hard i found out once i would find it hard to be in the room though and see like a connection even if it's not sexual but like a flirtiness even if even if i know they don't they're not gonna fuck early on you know what i mean that would be hard for me early on where chris is was friends with this girl and i liked her like we hung out and um and i found out retroactively because i hadn't asked it wasn't even something that came up it

didn't need to come up because it was so platonic but i i came up later and then i'm you know usual suspects suspecting it being like wait was there any and then we hung out later and there was something about it that i loved because i i don't know i i know that i'm i'm have like different beliefs about these things but there was something about it that made me like that. They had that connection at one point that, that they got over it. And now they have this friendship and that, you know,

I've had sex with people that when I see them and sit across the table from them, I'm the whole time. I'm like, I cannot believe his penis has been in my mouth. And it's not me going, Oh my God, I can't,

I'm getting like wet thinking about it. I'm just like, Oh my God. Like his, his penis, this guy, you know, 15 years ago, I like swallowed his semen. Like to me, it's funnier.

It's not like sexually charged. So, but I can understand where there are still flirtatious things going on between two people that claim to now be platonic. That would very much upset me, even though they aren't going to cheat on me. If there any kind of flirtation i mean it would kind of make me horny but i'm weird but i would see how someone would not want me to i would not be friends with someone i slept with if i had a boyfriend if there was still something like what's impressive that

you can i've always because i know some of the guys that you have slept with in the past and you are able like in almost like a professor compartmentalize the fact that you used to have sex and it really really truly doesn't feel i don't feel any vibe of that because you're because you will know because i would notice i would notice like this guy that i used to hook up with is coming to the show tonight or this guy you know and then he will come to the show and i'll see because i know i can see you you don't you're you are bad at bluffing so i can see when you're kind of like like like looking like for things and then later and you're always someone to be like if i do have a connection when i was single if i did have a connection with someone let's say a new person you'd be like that cameraman and you i saw a little something yeah you you were you're

very perceptive about if there's a vibe and you always get it right you really do but there it's so refreshing when i've been like wait did you sense a vibe like did you sense anything and you're like nothing it's always like very nice or i'm surprised that you like did have anything to like hooking up with them and i'm like them yeah yeah i'm like fucking they're so less famous than you i know but he's my uncle and so i feel like you. I know, but he's my uncle, and so I feel like, I don't know. Not in Alabama. He should be able to come backstage. Fucking A. All right, well, we covered a lot here. Final thought. Oh, I already did final thought. We can go. Do you want to rap? We didn't rap yesterday. I know.

I thought you were over. I thought the break, we were done with rapping. I mean, we don't, why don't we do a different genre of music? Well, we can just. What do you want to do? Country? Maybe I'll do... Not a country. Maybe just ballads or just a song. Yeah.

Like the way you do... Because you kind of gave up on the song today. So maybe we switch it to the end. Yeah. Maybe I'll do a rap another day. So today I'm going to do a press tour for my upcoming special and maybe something more. The second season of F-Boy is coming July 14th and then two days later,

you're gonna see a special from me. Go on HBO and HBO Max and you'll see me standing with a bunch of hot jacked guys and then you'll see my special called Good Clean Filth, which is the first time you're hearing that word, those words i'm telling you the name of my special i'm announcing it here good clean filth july 16th on hbo since we're promoting things i got a surprise too i'm headlining my first show

what's it to you it's gonna be in n August 30th At 7pm So please come out besties What night of the week So that we can get specific It's a Tuesday night Tuesday in Nashville is great Tuesday night August 30th The last day of August

It's Tuesday night It's the penultimate night of August Nashville Plan a trip Go plan a girls trip night. Second to last night. It's the penultimate night of August. Nashville, plan a trip. Go plan a girls trip. Stay the weekend and then stay through Wednesday. Listen, it's August. A bunch of teachers are still off work. Maybe one last week you plan a trip around

going to see Andrew. If he sells out Zany's on a Tuesday night, they'll book him for a weekend and you'll make it things right. So if you are in the Nashville area, definitely make the drive. Go out and Andrew will do meet and greets after the show. He'll take pictures. He will be so grateful.

Go see him. I'll fucking cut your toenails with my teeth. He'll take requests if you're a bestie and you like have stories that you want him to like work into jokes. I bet you, I bet that would be great for you. I probably would. I probably would. That would be great. Well, I was thinking about, well, you'll find out if you go.

Okay. So we'll be promoting that. But August 30 you. I probably would. I probably would. That would be great. Well, I was thinking about, well, you'll find out if you go. Okay, so we'll be promoting that, but August 30th. What a name. Yeah, Chris came up with it. I'm very, very proud of it. It's perfect. Oh, God. All right, we got to go.

We love you guys so much. I think it quit on us. Oh, no. Audio quit? The audio's on that, though. Audio's on that. Okay, we're good. Okay, thank you guys so much.

Dombika and Jack Antonoff. Oh my God. Luigi literally gets excited when I say Jack because he knows it's over. Wow, because he knows it's done. You're not going for a W because I got to do press, baby dog. Bye.

Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt.

And we're from the How To Money podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show,

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You are cordially invited to... The hottest party in professional sports. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour, tips to help improve your swing, and the craziest stories to come out

of your friendly neighborhood country club. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E on the iHeart Woman sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts,

or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love.

That's right. Every Monday and Wednesday, we share our personal journeys navigating our 30s, tackling the complexities of modern relationships, and engage in thought-provoking discussions that challenge societal expectations. From groundbreaking interviews with diverse guests to relatable stories that will resonate with your experiences, Decisions Decisions is going to be your go-to source for the open dialogue about what it truly means to love and connect in today's world. Get ready to reshape your understanding of relationships and embrace the freedom of authentic connections. Tune in and join in the conversation.

Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Emi Olea, host of the podcast Crumbs. For years, I had to rely on other people to tell me my story. And what I heard wasn't good. You really f***ed last night. It felt like I lived

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you get your podcasts.