The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #239 No Tog

Episode Date: June 30, 2022

Nikki almost ripped her eye out, she wouldn't mind if Andrew became a creepy Stephen King oracle and has a proposal for an iMessage improvement. Andrew wrote a movie once and they both talk about films starring Albert Brooks. Nikki loves the new Elvis movie but hates her mom's plan for a bargain on oral surgery. Addiction is more complicated than you think and You Heard It Here First, so are relationships and oxytocin. Andrew shares his untold dentist story on Andrew's Succinct Short Story Circle segment.In the Final Thought Nikki explains why she had a vibrator put in an unlikely place and why she is not so pleased with Wendy Williams. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

The Nikki Glaser Podcast. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. It's Hello, here I am It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast It's Wednesday Here in St. Louis, Missouri Andrew's here Noah's here

Well, Noah's in Arizona Luigi is here I just went to the dentist Again No, I went to the orthodontist Wow Yeah I'm just like doing all of my appointments lately

Good Eye doctor Dentist Got a filling yesterday Gyno Getting my Invisalign Gyno I'm just like doing all of my appointments lately. Good. Bye doctor. Dentist. Got a filling yesterday. Getting my Invisalign. Gyno. You know.

Max. Wait, they haven't even gotten back to me about my tests. Oh. That probably means I have it all, right? Yeah. They just don't know how to tell you. Yeah. Yeah, they're just having in-company meetings about like, okay, how do we break this to her?

She's very emotionally fragile right now. Should we wait till her special comes out? You know Max is tracking it. Oh, Max. Yeah, I forgot about Max. Oh, he'll enjoy that. He'll enjoy it a lot. Okay, that's who Max is.

Good Clean Filth, my special, does come out. Yeah. What? Because you guys dropped that as like a fashion egg the other day and i was like max but now i get it yeah i forgot about it too that's a good pull andrew good good mom what happened to your eye is that from the doctor no oh it's from me trying to rip out a contact out of my eye last night it was like not coming out so i just like you know sometimes you just gotta like grab your eye it contact wearers out there know what I'm talking about. But it just, I couldn't find where it was.

And I just, all I needed to do was put solution in my eyes and then rub the top. Like you kind of pinch the top of your eyelid and you move it down. But instead, I just went in with like dry eye just trying to grab it because I was just in a bad mood yesterday. And I've been in a bad mood my whole life recently i think like it's just permeates my being recently and i just was ripping it out and um and then i just looked in the eye oh look it looked in the mirror and it reminded me of amy schumer used to have a joke about when she she tried to be bulimic once and she like blew a blood vessel in her eye because that happens when you throw up too much your eyes pop pop. And she said, I just looked like an oracle.

So I looked in the mirror today. I was like, hey, oh. Have a oracle. I predict the future. Thinner. Remember that woman? Yes. In that Stephen King movie?

Thinner. And she brushes her old, craggly witch hand over his face. She goes, thinner. And then this fat guy just starts losing weight. It's funny when we're afraid of an old scary or a young scary. It's like, I could beat the shit out of an old lady or a young kid. Not an oracle with superpowers. But did she?

What if she didn't get to her spell? She made him start losing weight until he couldn't live anymore. So at first it was great. Yeah. Is that what happens in the movie for a little while he's like he's getting a blow job from his wife and he's on the way home and he's a fat guy that can't lose weight yeah and he um and that's the scene where kirsten and i as kids used to like rewind it over and over because as he's getting head in the car there's a sound that we thought was like a stretchy sound,

like a rubber band going like, like, and we thought penises like had a stretchy sound then. So we would rewind it over and over on VHS blockbuster. And go back. Cause we were like, we swore we hear to go. He's probably uncircumcised then.

Maybe. I mean, I think I played it. Wait. So what is the sound? It was just a sound effect. Oh, that was maybe like a zipper or like a part of his pants it off. Wait, so what is the sound? It was just a sound effect. That was maybe like a zipper or like a part of his pants or something. No, no, no.

So then she's getting, it's his wife, I think, giving a blowjob. Maybe she's making a sound effect. Maybe her mouth is stretching. And then he hits an old woman that's crossing the road or almost hits her. And then he gets out of the car and he goes up to her. And then she gets up and goes, nah and she like curses him and then he starts losing weight no matter what he can eat and everything he's just losing weight and he's like loving life and i think he's like maybe like i don't remember what happens in the film but he's

like loving life and then it just won't stop and then he gets he it gets starts getting scary and he realized he was cursed and he has to like find the witch and stuff it's kind of like my my laugher for Hire movie. Remember I told you about the movie I wrote? But the guy kept getting fatter. It was the opposite. Wait, what happens? Is there an oracle?

Is there superpowers? You would think there'd be some kind of crazy, like what's really happening, but no, his buddy's just feeding him at nighttime. So in his sleep. He eats sleeps? Yeah. And he just keeps getting fatter, but he doesn't know why

because he's asleep. How'd you come up with that? Is that a B plot? Fatter. Is that a B plot to the last? Yeah. Yeah, it's throughout the whole thing. Did you, when you wrote this movie,

were you like trying to? Going through things? No, were you? I was in debt. Did you know about A plots, B plots? Yes, because I saw, Sid Fields, I got his DVD. Oh, so you like tried to learn how to write one, really?

Yeah, and I wrote it in like three weeks, like 120 pages. Was there a course to like teach you how to write one in three weeks? Or was it just something you? Oh, no, it wasn't like six minute apps. It was just Sid Fields DVD. And it just, you block everything, and you block everything in three acts. This is how many scenes are in each act. The second act, if you ever try to write a movie, I know you've written shows. Have you wrote a movie?

No, I've never written a movie. It's fucking impossible to fill those pages. It's really, you just start putting things in there. Well, I've been watching a lot of Albert Brooks movies recently. Oh, he's the best. I've never really seen his movies. So I got asked to participate in this thing about Albert Brooks. I don't want to give too much away.

But sometimes you get asked to comment on... I got asked to be interviewed about George Carlin for the New York Times. And then I got asked about Albert Brooks. And when you get these asks, I go, well, I'm not a huge George Carlin fan. Obviously, I know about him. for about george carlin for the new york times and then i got asked about albert brooks and when you get these asks i go well i'm not a huge george carlin fan obviously i know about him but it's my knowledge is not extensive and then a lot of times people would other comedians would be like and same with albert brooks i've know him from curb i know him as like a voice and uh that fish

movie i know him as um i know him from other things but i don't know i've never seen a single one of these movies i think i saw um the defending your life when i was like you know in first grade or something so yes so i've watched so anyway i got asked to do this thing and i think a lot of times comedians that if you don't know the subject matter, you should not doing interview about the person. But I take it as an opportunity to go, OK, well, so I'm not an Albert Brooks fan because I don't know. But it's just because I don't maybe I would be. And maybe I actually am really good at speaking about things I love. So why don't I just immerse myself in it, take a crash course watch everything and i might have a better appreciation and more to say

about albert brooks than someone who might have been like oh i grew up on his movies like i might have a different perspective and i think that some people would go you're just like pretending to be a fan and it's like no i'm being honest i don't know his work at all and so i asked like okay you need me to speak on albert brooks what's my time limit here like how much time do i have do i have to do this over a weekend i'm probably not going to be able to talk educatedly about him or emotionally about him over a weekend but i have like until like mid-july and so i'm like oh i can easily consume tired of everything and i am i am i will say after seeing modern romance defending your life um Life, The Muse, and then last night I watched half of Lost in America.

I am pretty fucking well versed and I've watched a lot of Johnny Carson clips and a lot I mean too, but it feels like a lot sometimes because it's just like comedy was different back then. How so? Movies were different. Watching an hour of books. More dialogue? Less happening. Just things taking their time yes him in a bathroom like in modern romance if you watch that movie and honestly with all of his movies there is aside from the muse i think that had more like

you know uh i don't i don't know how to describe it but there's just what's the one with there's a little bit of like they're gonna move voyeurism that's lost in that's lost in america yeah where they're they're driving across the country yeah i got i was watching them over covid i watched all those movies again yeah yeah i mean look there's plenty of albums it's the first first album you ever heard you're you become a huge fan. You don't need to know fucking every single Beatles fucking album. I think this is a better way to become a fan.

I became a huge fan of George Carlin because I got asked to do that thing and I was like, well, I'm not going to talk to the New York Times about George Carlin until I know what I'm talking about. But I think there is some merit in a person talking about an artist

that just got into them as opposed to like, you can't be in a documentary about so and so unless you've been I've been watching him since I was a Larry Sanders show fan when I was in ninth grade it's like okay well I'm

one now and actually I probably have a better memory of it than you do because you're not going to binge the whole series whereas because you go off of your memory from ninth grade whereas I have a fresh perspective. Yeah, you weren't an original fan. You didn't like Kings of Leon, the first two albums. You just like After Sex on Fire.

You fucking poser. And then they get mad at the actual band for putting on Mormon gear. I hope more people ask me to be in their documentaries or journalists. So you have to do homework. So I am forced to do these things that, listen, when I have an opportunity to go watch a movie, I don't want to watch a movie from the 80s as much as I want to watch the new movie

that everyone's talking about. My time is best spent as an entertainer, I think, and someone who does a podcast every day and who needs to have topical things to talk about, watching something topical, even if it's shittier, if it's 20% tomatoes but everyone's talking about it it's better for me to watch that marvel movie than modern romance which yes everyone's seen but that's not really but now

i realize it is better for me to watch those films not for you know for the long run because i'm really inspired by his way his approach to filmmaking and how simple it is and how he is the same character in every one of his movies. He's like this neurotic guy who, you know, picks apart like the nuances of life, kind of in a Larry David sort of way. I'm sure you watch a lot of Woody Allen. It's those kind of, that same kind of feel.

He seems, it's just, I just can't believe how much of nothing can happen. Modern romance, nothing happens. I love that. I love those kind of movies. I cannot believe. They're my favorite.

People, I love a nothing. And he was supposed to, I learned this, Albert Brooks was supposed to be Billy Crystal's role in When Harry Met Sally. Wow.

And he, I, that is my favorite movie, When Harry Met Sally. I'm not kidding you. I think it might have been better with him. He is so Sally. That is my favorite movie, When Harry Met Sally. I'm not kidding you. I think it might have been better with him. He is so fantastic. He is so that character already. He is... I just love him so much. It does

strike me as terrifying how old people looked in the 80s for what age they were. He looks in his 50s and he's 32. It's wild what smoking and just the food they ate. I don't know why we all look so much better or younger. Do you think when we get to 80, we're going to look 60?

Or do you think? Yes. Yeah? Yeah. It's going to be weird if a bunch of 100-year-olds are still looking fucking hot. They already do. Look, so much.

You just saw Elvis. You weren't an Elvis fan. You just saw the Elvis movie. They already do. Look, so much. You just saw Elvis. You weren't an Elvis fan. You just saw the Elvis movie. I loved Elvis. I told my dad and mom last night. I wrote them and I go, hey, Elvis. I'd go see Elvis. Go see it on IMAX if you can.

But I think it's already out of those theaters because I searched it. Top Gun is still at the IMAX. I'm like, Elvis came out sooner. But it must not be making money as much as Top Gun is still at the IMAX. I'm like, Elvis came out sooner. But it must not be making money as much as Top Gun still. But I think Top Gun passed a billion dollars or something like that. It's ridiculous. So Elvis,

though, I went to go see it for a sneak preview that Chris got me tickets to through his radio gig. And I fucking loved it. It was top five favorite films. It was Boz, like it reminded me,

I haven't seen Gatsby, Moulin Rouge, or any of the other Boz Luhrmann films, but Romeo and Juliet is my favorite. And it freaked me out at first when I watched it in eighth grade. I was just like, what the hell?

But it is, he's so freaking good. I am on board with all of his decisions as a director to and this movie is really long it was two hours and 40 minutes i tried to get out i'd not get out of it but i tried to like i wrote chris being like this is long like two hours and 40 minutes running time i have a we have to be up at 5 a.m the next day like where this movie's at seven it's not gonna end till 10 like just too long for me that's why i love albert brooks films every single one of them one hour 31 minutes

every single one of them brilliant like we don't need more than that but i'll tell you elvis did not look at my phone until the two hour and five minute mark to be like oh where are we at and that is astonishing for me i watch a two minute youtube clip and i'm constantly checking how much more i have to go on it. I need to see the little tally. I can't stand Instagram reels because they don't give you a toggle to go to the end. There is something so just –

I love a toggle. I can't stand on TikTok when you can't search and scoot it ahead. Some you can if they're longer. I know if it's longer than a minute. But even a minute, I need to be able to. But then you also miss it sometimes, and then you go too far, or you start this fucking video again. Yeah, there's definitely problems with it. The toggle's very tiny.

And by the way. I want bigger togs. iPhone iMessage, get your fucking shit together. What are they doing wrong? When you record a voice memo on iPhone iMessage, talk about no toggling. I'm listening to a three-minute message from a friend. If another text comes up or God forbid you get an alert on another screen

and you accidentally tap it, you gotta start from the beginning. That's no good. And also, they don't have fast forward. They don't let you do 1.5 times the speed. You can't do two times the speed. You have to just wait and listen to your friend talk again, which I love to do,

but WhatsApp is so superior. It's almost like they're – I think they have money in WhatsApp because why would your thing be so bad that you would – that would be the only thing to do? If they don't get it together – please someone explain to me why you think Apple wouldn't do this. Literally simplest thing. It cannot – they can't afford to have this kind of –

But can you go to the source and say, hey, shorter message next time? No no i mean that's what i do with all my friends on my message we all do we send them in one minute chunks you shouldn't have to do that we did a three minute or oh i do five minute ones with my friends like we are doing podcasts all day i don't know a thing i know it's not normal for guys yeah you can't toggle it i'm not sitting through 30 seconds of no tag i know it's terrible this is how much i love my friends but um yeah that's what i'm doing all day long is it'd be funny if i was your friend and i leave you a four minute no tag and then in the middle of it be like i suck my own dick i suck my own dick no and then at the end i go through it i go through the whole thing i hate when i've left 20 seconds seconds without hearing. So what happened in the middle there?

No, I would listen. This is the problem. iMessage is I will listen to the whole thing. Man, that's, yeah. Because I just feel like if someone gives you the effort of writing a voice memo, I have to get through it. But iMessage, get your shit together. But Elvis, anyway, it was so moving, so good.

My dad, I wrote to them last night, and I go, it's on me. I'm going to take, if you guys want to go see Elvis, let's go anytime you want. And my dad wrote a book. Let me just see what he wrote. We're doing a show in Memphis. We got to go to Graceland. I've been to Graceland, but I would go again. I'm going to Graceland.

Graceland, Memphis, Tennessee. So here, this is what I said. So how did Elvis not poop for a month and a half? Because I keep seeing things about this. Opioids. So he just didn't. Yeah, and it just compacts in your system. I mean, food, when you take the moisture out of food.

Yeah. I know you think like, oh my God, I just ate all of that. How could that possibly be in my stomach? Oh, there's water in there? It compacts. No, when poop becomes, it's broken down by acid in your stomach so it becomes it gets dissolved a little bit and it dehydrates so when you eat a huge like months and months of food it's not like this yes spread that you put down in your stomach

it's it's got down and that's why people if you hear about opioid shits they're like what after they get bocce balls coming out. Like just hard, like really, I'm trying to think of like a heavy ball. A bowling ball. Yeah, but a tinier bowling ball coming out of your ass. Oh, a croquet ball. Yeah, croquet. Is it croquet?

I think it's croquet. Okay, so I wrote to my dad and mom. I would go to see Elvis with you guys if you wanted. My dad says, too bad, we're at the river. had to move the boat for the brants whatever that means he said i read in the new york times that it totally sucked they said it was more like a vampire movie and i said it's one of my top five favorite films no joke and my mom wrote oh wow then we'll have to see it um and then she goes uh oh and then she asked me if I wanted to go to the baseball game tonight. And I was like, what? And my mom has organized all of my family to go to the baseball game tonight because of why.

Here's what I said. I said, yeah, tomorrow might work. Can you just get me a ticket and Chris one too? If we can't go, I'll pay for them. And she goes, okay, Matt is buying ours. I'll ask him $5 ticket night, baby. So it's because there's a bargain.

I knew there was something behind it. Why would my mom want us all to go to the ball game? It's because I got $5 tickets. We're saving up. We got to go. Even though she doesn't realize that I could get us free tickets with the simplest email. Yeah.

But you know what? It makes her feel good. To sit up in the nosebleeds for a $5 ticket. She's not even buying it. That is funny that you find out not only is it $5. Well, then Matt bought them and texted us that. My mom goes, I'm paying you back. And he's like, don't get into a fight about this.

Stop this. My mom is considering going to Mexico to save $2,000 on getting her tooth removed because in St. Louis it would be $5,000 and in Mexico it's $3,000. So she's going to Mexico. Yeah, but you get those good margaritas by the beach. And I said to her. I just love your mom planning a vacation around the desk. No, she's not.

It's not a vacation. They're going to somewhere that's not even fun. And my mom doesn't want to go, but my is like julie she can do it it's fine she's just two thousand how did she find this mexican tooth guy their friend went to someone it's a common thing to go to mexico for surgery you don't know i know you go to turkey for hair transplants i didn't hear about mexico for teeth or why do you know about turkey are you thinking about going i just like turkey. No, you don't. Yeah, I do.

But you just leave. It does. Sometimes I got to go to bed. Let's go to break and talk more about this when we get back. Let's do our- Andrew!

Violets are blue. No, no. This is- It's all connected. It could all be connected. Oh, whoa. Could be. Well, if you're paying attention,

put it together, guys. What's it going to be? We know what you're doing. I'm not advocating- Thinner. No, whoa. Could be. Well, if you're paying attention, put it together, guys. What's it going to be? We know what you're doing. I'm not advocating. No. No. You're thinner. I mean, give it to me for a couple days.

Yeah. Thinner for three weeks. Yeah. Thank you. All right. We'll be right back. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast.

The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Listen, I've heard that in Mexico you can get good stuff done, and it's state of the line, which is a phrase that my sister came up with in sixth grade. She was doing a fake commercial for her, like a book report. And it was about like they had to do like a TV show or something, you know, when kids have an assignment. Like read this book and make commercials about what, I don't know. But she was selling dog sleds and it was where she read white fang in sixth grade and her and her friend were like making this video presentation that they were going to show on monday and my

my sister was selling dog sleds and she goes state of the line dog sleds only 999 and we were like what's state of the line and we realized she combined state of the art and top of the line it could easily be a saying yeah it's great so state of the line uh dentistry is to be had and like it's not you're just going to mexico and you're going in a yurt and they're just sawing off your fucking jaw with a rusty blade it's it's a real it's a good thing to do my point is mom let me give you two thousand dollars because i'm not trying to brag i'll take it out for 400 okay well that's really nice of you but you're not a pliers a donkey and a rope a burrow a burrow down there burrow down the line um but i told her i was like can you just can i just pay for this

to not so you don't have to go to mexico for surgery i just i know that it would be if they built a trip around it fine but my mom doesn't want to go to Mexico for surgery. I just, I know that it would be, if they built a trip around it, fine. But my mom doesn't want to go. She's like, your dad thinks I should do it. I don't know. Do you think she would have to wait until January to go because they don't have time in their schedule? Otherwise, she could just go in St. Louis and have her rotting tooth taken out

tomorrow for an extra $2,000. But my dad's like, she can wait. And I'm just like, and the thing is, I don't care if she can have better even if the procedure is the exact same as it would be in st louis the stress that it puts on my mom to travel abroad to go to mexico to then be in a different foreign country when her tooth has been a you know there's healing that needs to happen that people around you need to take care of you you need to be in a place where it's like you feel safe and i know my mom's gonna go on priceline and get a fucking shitty hotel

where you know we won't even be able to find her it won't have running water like i just know my so i'm saying to my mom let me pay two thousand dollars because on the back this will save me money because the trauma and the the the stress of that mexico trip and also putting off this tooth thing that might cause an infection is going to cost me down the road more because you will die you will be injured i i'm going to cover your medical bills when they get above two thousand dollars probably so can i avoid some of those by not having you stressed out and go to mexico for fucking dental work just so you can it just makes me mad and I said to her this is why you should let me pay two thousand dollars because first of all I will never I won't remember it I know that's a lot of money to me right now it is not a lot of

money I just to be honest it isn't and I'm not bragging it just isn't and I said to her this is what daughters are for this is what having a rich daughter is for like this this is why i want to make money is to do stuff like this you have to let me and she was like and i go i hope that if you had as much money as i had and i have as much money as you had and i had was going to go to mexico to save two thousand dollars on a surgery that you would do the same thing no no you don't have to pay me back just give me two thousand dollars and the truth is i don't think she would it'd be funny if she goes four thousand yeah i would i would no i know but like at what point would she take like what if you offered to pay for the whole thing i would but she knows that she i want her to be able to pay for what she can afford so that she doesn't feel like i'm just it's a handout because it's not. It's just.

It sucks. Why does that not cover, does she not have dental insurance? She does, but it doesn't cover the full thing or whatever. See, that's a whole nother, I mean. You want to get into the healthcare of this.

I mean, I had my filling yesterday, 35 bucks. I was like so excited. 38 bucks. I was like, whoa. What did they fill it with?

It worked. Yeah, I know. Candy. You're trying to. A little popcorn. You're trying to get more laughing gas. I love the idea of you as a kid, you were talking about it yesterday, eating candy to get to the drunk. Oh, yeah. That's the only way I'm going to get it.

You're like 7,000 pounds where you're like, never been happier. No teeth, just rotting. Just suck it on that nitrous. Oh, I need it. Man. I mean, nitrous is what they suck out of balloons, right? When people do whippets. Oh, my God.

Have you ever done it? No, but that's what it is, right? You've never done nitrous? No. Because I always heard that you could die the first time you do it. So why would I do something neat? No, that's not true. That's why I've never done it.

Right? I'm also afraid of dying. I've done it plenty. And look how smart I am. Huh? You're afraid of dying? Yeah. Did you ever hear that you could die the first time?

I mean, that's why I don't. If I, that used to be a rumor about pot. The first time you do it, you could die. Well, cocaine, I heard that. Coke, like, and now that's true because of fentanyl being, but, but that really cut me off drugs. Honestly, is that the first time? There was a basketball player.

Fuck. Starts with an L. Fuck. I can't remember larry burt no he's still alive but i think he's probably done some coke with some bud wazzer sure so this guy did coke one one that's the thing though they always say the one first time and he died yeah and uh he was gonna be like the best player ever And so people talk about his story a lot. Did he die from overdosing on Coke? Yeah, overdosing on Coke. Heart attack.

He probably already had a pre-sync. I had a bite. It died from heroin, and they claimed it was the first time. I was like, hmm. You don't really do heroin the first. You don't shoot up heroin. I don't know how he ingested it. I don't know.

But yeah, it was so sad. I was listening to, I was just kind of remembering Harris Whittles, who was my friend who passed from heroin. And like hearing about, just reading about, because he did a You Made It Weird with Pete Holmes episode right when he got out of rehab the third time, I think. And he said on that, like, if I do it again, I will die. Like if I go back to heroin, I will definitely die. Yeah. And so I was wanting to find the transcript of it. Cause I just wanted to like hear his story again and kind of remember it.

And the thing that people just don't understand about heroin is that these people get prescribed these pills for pain and then the pills, they become addicted to the pills and they're not like, it's not because they wanted to be, they just get sucked into it. And then it becomes even for Harris Whittles, who was a producer on Parks and Rec, an EP on Parks and Rec, a writer on Parks and Rec. Very successful.

Writing movies, so successful, rich. It was draining him of money to keep up this pill habit. So then eventually- Like Oxy, right? Yeah, like opioids. And it was so expensive. And it starts to be you need more and more and more to get that feeling. And it's the same drug as heroin.

It's an opioid. And so shooting up becomes just a no-brainer. It's so much cheaper, so much cheaper. Easier to get probably in some circumstances. He used to go to Skid Row to get probably in some circumstances if you're living he used to go to skid row to get it in la he'd drive over from his like million dollar home to skid row and he died shooting up but i think people just think of people that shoot up as like the dregs of society but no one wants to put a needle in their arm and he's it's because it becomes cost effective to do that. And it gives you a high faster.

It's like, I just, it was just really interesting to read again. In that book, Coming Alive, that we're all kind of sort of reading. The author said something very interesting. He said, addiction is when you feel, is when a person chases this feeling that they got once and they're just constantly chasing it but never achieving it again. Yes.

I read that actually yesterday and something else, that addiction is, it was chasing, feeling good, but feeling worse. Right. Chasing, yeah, like that,

addiction is defined that you use a thing because you want to feel good, but it just makes you feel worse. And the thing is, you would go, well, then why would you keep doing that if it makes you feel worse? And it's like, because- Because you're constantly chasing that good because there

is a chance to do enough to get that feeling of there and i want to say that i don't really relate to all of that because for me addictions it does feel good like i don't feel you feel worse on the back end but at first you do feel better yeah i'm sorry like i do feel if i shot up heroin right now i would feel fucking great. I really would. Yeah, but you haven't. That would be your first time. No, but even people that I've watched intervention the other night and this woman that was shooting up heroin or smoking crack every single time. She's like, oh, it's so good. Yeah.

So it does feel good. I think people just think that it's all just like hell after you're addicted. People that don't understand addiction just don't seem to like grasp why someone is i just don't understand how people can be mad at drug addicts or kind of confused by them with i know that you might not be a drug addict but you look at someone on the sidewalk like how can they be passed out in their own filth uh you know dirty sandals i was picture you know dirty sand and just like passed passed out from crack or shooting up needles in their arm. How,

why would you do that? Who would ever want to do that? Do you think that person had a choice? Like if you really think someone has a choice of whether or not to do drugs, you're such an idiot. So much of it starts. And you have no compassion because why would you ever,

no one would choose that. So much of it starts. And this happened with me. I remember I had a, like a root canal, right? Or like nothing that should have got more than five pain pills. Root canals don't even need pain pills. The lady, the dentist gave me 40 oxycodones. Yeah.

And then I take like two. Next thing you know, I'm going out. My tooth doesn't hurt anymore. I don't even know I have teeth. No. And next thing I know, I'm eating like five or six. then i i'm like i'm just eating i'm just taking these i'm not drinking so i'm just taking the and the next thing you know you're like okay i'll just take them during the day just to like kind of manage it and you see how easily and i think

that's what happens i think people get you were too lazy to become a drug addict oh yeah i can't go back what am i gonna maybe if i heard another tooth oh dude if i had to drive 30 minutes i actually do it for golf i do it for golf i guess yeah that's true i literally like spend thousands of dollars on gas to just get to a driving range to get upset to get upset you don't feel how much how do you how much maybe this is an addiction because do you feel what is the percentage you leave the golf course? Because we're not talking about being at the golf course because you're going to have that dopamine.

I was reading all about addiction last night. Dopamine is the feeling that you get before you get the opioid. So opioids go off in your brain when you have an orgasm, when you take the hit, when you eat a piece of pizza and you're really hungry. Dopamine is the feeling, is the chemical that is released on the way to that feeling. So there's no dopamine being released. And opioids always lead to a crash. A second you, the first bite of pizza is going to be the epitome of your enjoyment.

It only ramps up to that with like, I'm so hungry. Oh my God, I just ordered it. So hungry. Oh my gosh, it's stuff's coming out of the kitchen. Oh, it's not mine yet. Oh, I'm so excited. Oh, I can smell hungry. Oh my God, I just ordered it. So hungry. Oh my gosh, it's stuff's coming out of the kitchen. Oh, it's not mine yet. Oh, I'm so excited. Oh, I can smell it. Oh my gosh, it's coming to the table.

Oh my God, it's landed on the table. Oh my God, first bite. And then from then on, second bite, third bite down. Then all, then the opioid hits. Then the dopamine plummets after that. And so I'm wondering when you go to the golf course, driving there, it's exciting getting on the course like all the opportunity like the the excitement of like what could be

and the novelty of a new place or whatever how often leaving a golf course do you feel great better than when you left better than when you arrived well be honest no no no of course i'll be honest i i just i it. There's a lot of variables. It's one thing if you're just... Well, if we're going by sheer numbers here of all the times you've been to a course. But there's a difference in... If I go to a range that I've never been to and everything's new. Oh, okay.

No, I'm saying though, most of the time I'm going to a range. So I'm not going to feel... If it's a new range, anything new feels good. A new golf course, a new... But even an old one, you're going and you're excited but it depreciates the happiness depreciates because you keep playing the same hole and it's you could play even if you play better it doesn't feel as good okay so if we're going by just new courses first time all of those the the way you feel going in how often are you leaving them feeling as good or

better than when you came in i mean again, again, it depends how I play. I mean, but let's just say, I know. How often do you play better than you would expect? So when I shot the 76, I felt fucking fantastic. But how often does that happen?

It was a new course, probably once every like seven times I play. Okay. Let's. Maybe. Actually, maybe one every 20, but I,

but I practice more than I play. Right. You understand? Yes. if practice the, the end. So when you first start practicing golf again, it feels good.

Every time you go to the range, cause you fucking, you're learning something new skill. You're hitting the ball an extra 20 yards. You're hitting it straighter. But now I'm at the point where literally I'm so consistent that you don't see a big wins. Well, that's how I feel about standup.

But the big wins you see though, when you fucking have the special and you fucking realize, oh, all that work. No, I still don't feel it. But I'm just saying. I'm trying to compare it. Yes. If I take my shirt off on stage and I do something new, that's when I feel.

That's when I go, oh, my God, that was amazing. Like, what the fuck just happened? And I leave the stage feeling the same way I felt after the first time I did stand-up. Yeah. Like, if I bring a new element to it or if I play music on stage instead of doing stand up, like, but doing stand up, I just cannot get that dope. It will never hit the way it did the first time ever again. And maybe that makes people not want to come see me, but what do you mean?

That's what I was referring to. Like that feeling, just like addicts constantly chase it and it leads to overdosing and all that stuff. That's what I meant. You're chasing the direct, you're chasing that initial feeling that was like, oh my God. But did it feel good to do the Drake stuff the other night? Yes, doing new stuff like that. That's fun.

And that gives me a thrill. All right, so then look at those positives. No, no, no. I'm not saying it's a negative thing. I think that anything, like the thing about the first day on a new job that you, or when you get a job, like people forget sometimes. Yeah, I got addicted to gambling because I won $2,200 the first time I played.

Yes. And then I went and bought a PlayStation. I bought a couch and I'm like, fuck, this is going to keep happening. Think of how many times you've gotten a call for like a gig or a job or you get a job that you interview for and you worked or you get

accepted to some kind of program in school and you like you celebrate with your family your family literally like will take you out to dinner to celebrate and then the job starts it's and it's the it's the source of all of your misery i mean the thing that you wanted i remember i sat down with my dad one time and he's like it wasn't about stand-up it was about like copywriting he's like you know a job's just gonna any job's gonna just feel like dad one time and he was like, it wasn't about standup, it was about like copywriting. He's like, you know, a job's just gonna, any job's gonna just feel like a job eventually. And I was like, well, that's sad though. Yeah.

That's fucking sad. But it's true. I know, but it's sad. But that's life. I mean, anyone you date that you're so excited about, you're never gonna have that initial like limerence, which is what it's called, when you are just like so in love with each other and just like everything you do is adorable.

You will never get that back ever with that person. And you can tell me, oh, no, we did. Well, maybe did you have amnesia or did the person have like a like did you might get it back if there was like a near death thing and you have like, oh, or you break up and and you reunite but you will never have that initial thing again and that is what i struggle with in relationships is that you will never have that first high which is literally the best part of falling in love and i know people go no it's the deep love that the support you get people aren't saying that they probably do feel it i get it but i don't know what that is yeah but that's what you don't but it is a thing like that is real i think it's an excuse don't. But it is a thing. Like, that is real. I think it's an excuse people give for, like, giving up something that they actually do want.

But maybe I'm wrong. All right, let's get to the news. You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. I really do love that music. It's the same thing as when people go, you know, like. I hope everyone all does well.

It's Wednesday. You know what that means? It's Wednesday. What's that? I'm sorry. I hope everyone else is well. It's Wednesday. You know what that means? It's Wednesday. What's that? I'm sorry. And maybe I'm wrong here, but when women age and they go, I actually like being older more. It's like, do you? If you could snap your fingers, would you not want to have tighter, younger skin?

Of course you would. Or maybe not. Maybe you like the freedom of being invisible to the world now. But I just think that we convince ourselves we like our situation, which good we should because you can't go back in time you can't get that limerence back so you have to accept it but i think that but how happy were you when your body was tight that's what i'm saying like there's always that i understand that but i'm just saying when people go you know it's actually my life is I'm glad that that happened. Like I'm glad, and I'm someone who always says like everything happens for a reason,

but am I, some people go, you know what, that car accident, I really needed to wake up. And it's like, wouldn't another way have been cool too? Did you really love that?

But I feel like you can. I have a great, like news story for you. Okay, please. Which kind of has to do with this, which is very funny. But yesterday, Anya texted us about, oh, no, no.

You had texted Anya and I about oxytocin. Yes. And then I went, like I started Googling and stuff and I found this article that I think you're going to love. It's a little bit old news, but it's new to me.

As long as it's real news and not fake. Yeah. Yeah, no, no. It's based on a real study. So while studying cheating, scientists are surprised to discover how oxytocin appears to boost men's attraction to their mate,

even when presented with pictures of other women. Okay, so explain this. Okay, so you want to hear a little bit about what they were doing in the study or just get to the results? What I'm gleaning from this is that they took men who were in relationships and when they tested men with higher levels of oxytocin, when asked about how much they love the person they're with, that love was substantially more when shown pictures of other women even. And it's not about other women.

Like other women's pictures make them love their woman more. Okay. Under the influence of oxytocin, two areas of the brain responsible for feelings of reward and pleasure lit up when men saw their partner's faces. But the sight of other women

had the opposite effect, suppressing feelings of pleasure. Oh, interesting. Do you choose to suppress it or is that conscious? No, it's completely subconscious. Deep love, connected, monogamous love. As time goes on and couples become less intimate, the scientist, whatever,

said that linkage can decay because of that, but activities that release oxytocin such as really looking into another person's eyes holding hands kissing and having sex may help restore the connection yeah so it sounds like um oxytocin is released when you do loving safe uh intimate things and so if you and when you have a lot of oxytocin going off in your brain, that comes from those things that you will have a, you will be, feel more connected and more desirable of your partner,

no matter how long you've been with them. So what we, it tells us is that we need to like keep those things up of like deep eye contact, like cuddling, touching all those things to sustain, to prevent us from being attracted to other people. Because if the oxytocin is high from those things you won't be attracted but it doesn't have to be in only in that moment right like it would not sustain you

so oxytocin has like a you know i mean i'm sure you've done this with chris or whatever where i'll go maybe a few weeks without you do take your partner for granted for like how gorgeous they are like how how much they make you feel happy like you don't take it in like a lot of times i don't take it in and at times i'll just stop and like really like be like this is my person and those are like loving deep love wins because you go you could go i could go a couple weeks with myD brain and not really like take her in. You know what I mean? So like you're almost recreating that feeling in your brain of like the first

time seeing them. I don't know. It's a weird little win. I, I feel, I feel that. Does that make sense? Like, yes. Yeah. That you, I think everyone relates to that but i think that it's distance it's like not you're not touching them enough you're not like stopping to actually look at them like all you need to do is figure out time to just stop and look whereas like i can't do that because i'm on the road for fucking 14 days and i can't look at the person i can't touch the person and so i always find my relationship hits like really rocky territory whenever i've been gone too long because there's not that there's not hand-holding there's not touching

there's not eye contact there's not all those things and it's like it's like first night is there a feeling of like because we're usually broken by the end of it and so we when we see each other it's you know in the waiting room of our our you know couples counselor and it's like awkward because at the end of a trip a long trip like yeah it's it's gone from being like oh i miss you so much very good and at the end of 14 day trip you're coming out of it and you're usually there's some conflict that hasn't been appropriately addressed on both sides and then it's just it's frayed because you you don't even you can't even picture the person you can't smell the person you can't so it's just

like i don't even care about working it out with this person because i'm not connected to them in any way they're literally a stranger to me because their body chemistry is so the other night i like had chris's shirt and i was just smelling it because i haven't seen him forever so i was just trying to remember like get those oxytocin chemicals so that my brain would remember i love this person i'm connected to this person like i will do anything to work out uh at a difference with this person i think that that's when like little arguments can just turn into like well then we shouldn't be together because you forget how bonded you are because you don't have that i wonder if it's good i wonder or not or bad, but to go from like 14 days off. And then the first time is couples counseling.

It seems like another, not extreme, but like, it's not like we planned it that way. It's like, we don't have time in our lives to fit in couples counseling, except the one hour when we're both not working. I mean,

you try to be with someone who has our work hours from 4 30 a.m until 11 a.m and then you have to work from 11 a.m until 6 p.m so it's and then that person has to go to bed because they have to get up at four so it's hard it's really hard I think that but it's so true that it's touch eye contact and love making that that make you have those, that's that feeling in your brain, that fuzzy feeling that makes you go like, I love them. And just sharing, emotionally sharing, even like someone being like, I don't know, whenever I hear my partner be like, you know, like, I love you. And or like, I, it really feels good to hear that like talking about his feelings i am like

any issue i have with our relationship literally evaporates yeah like it like it can be i can be like in a swarm of mosquitoes of like things i'm annoyed at and they will all be completely zapped and fall to the floor dead the second he goes i'm feeling really i i feel really good about what we've talked about or like just says some feelings i don't know why it's so erotic to me or it's so soothing to me it's so like reassuring to me it just makes me feel but is it like i could put up with anything but i know that's i mean that's the double-edged sword though is like is it is it a drug is it just an intoxicant am i just like like am i googly heart should you not at least have half the mosquitoes still around right no they go for me it's all the mosquitoes or none of them i am so black and white it sucks yeah that's

tough because it's so polarizing it it's like a sense of um approval that whatever it was that you discussed or worked on was the right way to go. And then like, you know, he's definitely on the same page as you. Yeah, I think it's like an understanding or just like, I just want someone to when I feel like my feelings have been addressed and like that I'm not crazy for my feelings and that, you know, I get him to a place of understanding that I'm not trying to be mean. I get him to a place of understanding that I'm not trying to be mean I'm not trying to be evasive I'm not trying to lie I'm just like I'm feeling anxious or I'm feeling scared or like if he knows the root of it which isn't this nefarious

root because I think a lot of times in relationships not just mine you get into fights where someone thinks the other person is like trying to dodge or like avoid or like trick the other person or deceive for my own well-being when really anytime I am ever being a little bit um obtuse or like a little bit avoidant it's because I'm doing it for not just for me I mean it is for me but it's because I want that person to love me. I'm trying to avoid that person hating me. And it's like, you know, it's kind of like Patrice O'Neill's bit of like, we cheat for you.

We cheat for you. Like, I'm not saying like, oh, I get to lie and be deceitful because I'm trying to keep you. But I do feel like there's sometimes in my relationship or even in hearing my friend's relationships where I'm like, the thing he's getting mad at you about or the thing you're mad at him about, don't you realize he's only doing that because he wants to stay with you? Yeah. Like he's trying.

Does that make any sense to you guys? Yeah. They're doing that thing not to hurt you. They're doing it so that you love them. I guess my only worry is. I'm not telling you the truth about this thing because I think that if you find out, you'll hate me forever and not want to be with me.

When I know the thing that I might be lying about or evading the truth about, isn't really a deal breaker and shouldn't be a reason you hate me. If I'm cheating on you, yeah, I feel like you should probably find that out and leave me. But if I'm not telling you something

that I think you'll just be so disgusted by or so just like kind of grossed out by and maybe I'm grossed out about it by myself too. I'm doing it because I don't think it's something that you need to know about. And it, it, your response, I don't trust your response because I don't trust obviously. And I might have feelings that I'm inherently unlovable. And I think that that detail might bring out your disgust with me in a way that you'll reject me. But I'm doing it because I want you to love me. So if you're worried that I'm trying to get away from you

or hurt you, it's actually the opposite. My only concern would be if I was doing something to get someone else to love me, right, but it wasn't being true to whatever I thought I was, then I feel like over time I'm hurting myself. It has nothing to even do with that person. Well, that's without saying. I feel like that's, I mean, obviously-

You can't get someone to love you. Yeah, I mean, I'm saying, I'm not talking about excuse the person who's lying to you or evading things and let them do that. Just start from a place of, of course they shouldn't be doing this. Let's get to a place where we can totally be honest with one another and transparent and no one gets hurt. But acknowledge that the root of this is this person being scared that you'll leave them

and that they'll lose you. And if you can, it's not good that they're doing it. Yes, we need to get at the, we need to stop doing this. I don't want to be someone who has to like you know of avoid certain truths about myself but if i do it and i get caught know that i'm trying in my own way to figure out a way to do it so i'm just trying to keep you it's it's my it's my weakest self giving into my fears of abandonment so, it is not a good thing to do. I don't want to be someone who is pretending to be a different version of someone

so that I can keep a guy. I would love to be myself. That's my goal in every aspect of my life. For me in relationships, it's really, really difficult because I think I'm gross. I'm too masculine. I have really weird anxieties

that make people, their lives feel burdened by them. I have really, really weird anxieties that make people, uh, their lives feel burdened by them. I have my whole life, like everything I'm scared of or everything that I'm like anxious about takes the fun out of things for we, okay. So everyone can't go on a roller coaster because Nikki doesn't want to go on it. Okay. Well, I guess we can't go to that thing because Nikki's scared of fireworks. Oh, we can't do that because Nikki's scared of the highway. Now we all have to like tend to her needs and it's so annoying. It's never met with like, what's going on here? I'm so sorry you're feeling this way or that you have to act this irrational way

because you're in pain. It's never that. It's like, why are you doing this? Why are you trying to ruin our time? Why are you lying to me? It's never, wait, why are you doing this? Like, can I understand? Like, are you in what wait why are you doing this like can i understand like are you in pain what are you avoiding like do you not think i won't love you on the other side of this because

i do love you i want to make you feel safe it's always just like why'd you do that you're a bad person you're an anxious person you need to make everything about you oh nikki's scared of air shows so the whole family can't go to air shows how about i'm scared of air. So maybe tell me some facts about air shows to make my irrational fears a little better. Why don't we go through the facts about that's like the bus incident yesterday, you know, this weekend. So scared of riding in those fucking buses. And I was going to cancel it. And then Kirsten goes, why don't you have Jen, my assistant, ask about the schedule

of the buses and like, you know, the protocol for the bus drivers. And then all of a sudden I was like wait you can do that and it was like information sets me free or like compassion or someone just being like oh i have i have irrational fears about this other thing let's talk about it as opposed to nikki is weird because not only do i feel weird but i i think i grew up as a child just feeling like all of my fears people thought i was trying to get attention which maybe i was subconsciously i didn't think i was or thought I was trying to get attention, which maybe I was subconsciously. I didn't think I was, or that I was trying to be the center of attention,

which let me tell you, maybe that's a little bit of my goal now because I'm a comedian and trying to, you know, a famous person. So obviously that's a goal. When I was a kid, I did not want, I hated that I wet the bed and that I was scared of IMAX movies

and I was scared of movies and like I was scared of IMAX movies and I was scared of movies and like I was scared of ghosts had to sleep on my bed those are all embarrassing I wasn't like I can't wait to be like my I'm not one of these girls that's like I hate the word moist that's my personality I wish I wasn't like anxious and scared I hate these things about myself so when so I think I still struggle with when I have anxieties. I think sometimes. Or do things. When you have anxieties.

Yeah. I'm trying to think how to phrase it. You put on a front that I don't give a fuck when you might give all the fucks. And I think as a friend of yours, sometimes I don't really know that it's coming from a place of fear or like why you're acting a certain way so like i don't really because it doesn't feel like for you know like i don't know there could be a i can't think of an example right now but like just like a little thing where like instead of like you being like well i'm actually just afraid of it it's it's more like it comes out stronger so like i don't know exactly something but that's what i'm saying that's exactly what i'm saying is like when when i do react in a way

that like maybe i lash out at someone or something and yeah that's that's inexcusable i definitely deserved to give an apology to whoever i'm doing that to but when people lash out or when people scream or like even hit someone you have to understand that that is coming from a place of intense fear. I even sometimes picture Hitler as a baby. It's hard to have compassion or to have empathy. Everyone needs to try to know that. I know, but then that person needs to try to like – That's what I – I do try to do it.

I apologize. I go to therapy. I meditate. I read books. That's the thing when people go, well, Nikki, this just gives you an excuse to just be a bitch all the time because you're you oh you had fears as a child and you weren't you weren't cared for enough as a child that just gives you an excuse to be a terrible adult a drug addict anything you want because you go my childhood i didn't get enough love i have anxieties it's not an excuse. All I'm asking for. And if I'm able to even

acknowledge that, that means I'm doing work that I'm trying and I can't fix it overnight. And I'm not asking for everyone to forgive me whenever I transgress or whenever I lash out in a way that, you know, I don't have a plan. I'm trying my best. It's just, and even if I'm not trying my best there's also probably a reason for that like not everyone can go to therapy not everyone can meditate like there are things that people can't do I just I wish I need to do it myself I want everyone to have more compassion for everyone even before when I said you were an idiot that you don't understand addicts if you're some someone who doesn't understand addicts and has no compassion for them I actually don't think

you're an idiot I feel sorry that I'm not feel sorry for you but i understand that you have you were raised and you have a brain that's different that doesn't maybe have as much empathy as another person which is something you can learn because i had to learn empathy so i have empathy even for you so you can extend it to anyone i just wish i would get it a little bit more often in my life because I think that um I just I'm just like realizing it I I at my core I feel like I'm a bad person I feel like I'm self-serving I feel like I'm a narcissist I feel like everyone thinks like oh Nikki just makes up things so she can get attention and because she's being a widow baby and the truth is even if I am doing that which I truly do not think I am on any level that's a sad thing to do

and someone should feel sorry for me that I do that like when girls are like even girls are like I hate moist don't say it that girl is I know it's annoying but she just wants attention this poor girl what how sad is it that that's how someone is going about getting love that they don't like the word moist like even that is sad john stewart is back in the host chair at the daily show which means he's also back in our ears on the daily show ears edition podcast the daily show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture you get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment politics sports and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors.

The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

And we're back. We're back. It's time for Wednesday's wildcard segment. It is time for... Andrew's Succinct Short Story Circle Segment. You know, I really can bring it together when I want, you know i really i really can bring it together when i want you know it was how many takes did that take i think that was two yeah it was pretty quick yeah it was quick when i turned that fucking it's funny because the thing we wanted you to do which was

like have a lisp and kind of slur it that's usually the thing that you would make you do another take so it makes sense we asked you to fuck it up oh i mean yeah i mean i didn't have to get method for that you know it's already there on the surface um okay so what's today's story and why well we were talking yesterday i think we never got to the dentist thing that well you said that you had a you were like oh i have a dentist story and you said we don't have time and then noah was like oh tomorrow let's do this well when you're poor in new york and you're picking up dog shit for a living and you have a no dental insurance and you have a tooth problem and you can't get to mexico you can't find a burrow you can't even

find little mexico in new york you can't even get there. Where would that be? South. So I was fucked. I was like, I went to a dentist. They're like, I had a root canal that the root whatever came out. So there was a hole in my teeth that came out. Oh, my God. So you could get- So the cap came off? The cap came off.

An old root canal. Do you know that the cap is just covering a giant hole? So the hole, you could then get to the nerve. So then everything was- No, the nerve's gone on a root canal, buddy. Okay, so maybe this was- But it could cause an infection of just food packing up in there. I'm trying to think what exactly.

Because a root canal, I do believe, takes out the- It does, but for some reason, I was having a ton of pain. Maybe it was another nerve. Sure, sure. However it was, I was in a shit ton of pain it was like were you doing a thousand dollars like numbing dude orgel thank thank god for ambasol and orgel can i just say i know someone with braces and who also i know it wears off oh it's good for two seconds it's like juicy fruit dude i put so much of that in my but then i used to drink you know what i

would do that was really disgusting wait i could probably guess can you give me some clues well let's say i had a hole in my mouth stuff it with gum okay let's say it was stuffed with food what would i use to take that food out a key a straw oh i wish a straw. A toothpick. A toothpick? That's a normal thing. What do you think Andrew did? A piece. Oh, just a laminate. He rolled up a dollar bill and went.

No. People just ran off the road. No, it's okay. Listen, it's okay. And I didn't think about how dirty. Of course. Because your brain, you're just like, I wanted to. Why would you?

Have some compassion. I've done disgusting stuff. I will not. I will. No. It's bad. It's really bad. But you always have a dollar on you.

This is before Venmo. No. And that would be weird if you got it out with your Venmo app. My Razr. You can scoff all you want at Andrew's struggle here, but when you're depressed, and you do not care about self-care, especially when you have tooth pain,

that pain is so gnawing that you don't even have the wherewithal to be like, this could be dirty. You just want it out. And I was 32. Okay, five minutes. I was one year for each tooth minus seven um so i went so my cousin neil he's a dentist oh my god well i'll tell you after the show but so he he's a dentist but he's not like a a surge like i needed an oral surgeon for this he's's like, I could do it for like 100 bucks.

So I go to my cousin Neil's and I'm like, okay, well, I'm sure I'll have some of the materials. I'm like, dude, this motherfucker took my tooth. He had to take out. So there's still part of your tooth in there, but that's a molar. That's like you can't just get it. This motherfucker, I can't even explain to you. He numbs it up. So he gives you the local, like, shop.

He does give me. Yeah, he's like, take a little water gel. I was like, that's all you got? He's like, bite on this spoon, essentially. And he's fucking using, I don't even know what instrument it is. Just like a fucking, just a five dollar bill yeah yeah he's a dentist and he's like he's using like a wrench like an old school like like a thing to get horseshoes off and he's just like fucking i'm telling you i'm not i'm i'm not

exaggerating oh yeah he's put in some grit into it. He's sweating. And I'm in his office, which feels like an attic. So he's like, feed me, Seymour. And he's fucking grinding. I'm telling you, that hard. Are you laughing? Are you crying?

Can you feel any of it? It's just pressure. I can just feel the fucking pressure. But I'm telling you. But is he playing playing you're a crazy bitch but you fuck so good so i'm rock hard it's pretty cool and so fucking i was like i got another fucking canal you can take stuff and so anyway so he's fucking grinding and And he finally like, I'm telling you. I picture in this attic, the dentist also has soft rock playing. Oh, I wish. It's Michael McDonald.

He's like, so how's your mother? She's doing all right. I'm like, dude, just get my fucking tooth out. He puts a TV on in the corner just with some soap opera playing. He's like, let me show you some old photos of your dad. Rosie O'Donnell show is playing. That's always what was playing. Okay, go on.

We used to play baseball in Flushing at that park. And yeah, so he finally gets it out. And it was insane. I left there feeling like I was abused for like an hour, like waterboarded, but some kind of. Yeah. And I left there and I was like, this is why poverty. Like it really hit me.

Like if you don't have money, like that's the surface. And I love him. And he's a good dentist. You should go to him as a dentist, as an oral surgeon. Having to do this, which is outside. How do you know this guy? He's my cousin. Oh, it's your cousin.

God, it sounds like a scene from The Nick. Yeah. Sounds terrible. I mean, can you imagine they used to do surgeries with no anesthesia? I mean. A childbirth even? No, like just.

In every movie, it's like, here's a sip of whiskey. You bite on this fucking bell or spoon. Yeah. And we're going to cut your leg off. Yep. And everyone's like. My mom alwaysgs that uh she didn't have this is a joke from my act from a while ago but um my mom it's true my mom had natural childbirths yeah my mom um said that when my mom always likes to brag that when she gave birth to me and my sister that she didn't, no drugs, didn't use any drugs. What's the punchline?

She drank alcohol. No drugs. Didn't take any drugs. Also, I'm not your mother. No, but during my conception, I needed drugs. Needed all of them. When I was conceived,

she was fucked up. She had a spinal tap final thought i wanted to say it reminded me when you're saying that when they were giving me the nova cane yesterday uh to shoot into my like when they do they go it's gonna be a little pinch you know when they shoot it all in there to numb it up he gave me a he tried he did a vibrator he was like and i'm gonna vibrate i'd use this vibrator he said vibrator which i was just like that word like you just like don't yeah it's just right yeah yeah sex yeah it's like a rock hard cock but it is good because they used to do that at my um

for pain if you distract the body by like like what you do with your fucking when you have migraines yes it's distracting the pain like when i used to get brazilian waxes i used to go to this indian threading place i wasn't it was a wax for your pussy but threading for your eyebrows and in the back room they did waxes and this sweet woman used to like when she would be she would rip it off and then she would just go like this on my thigh like really hard style rub it yeah she would uh miyagi wipe on wipe off yeah just really fast and it was just like it would feel so nurturing and like nice that there was like some other like feeling happening um so did he vibrate while he was shooting while he was shooting it to distract it he was you let me know if it helps and i was like i can't really tell because i didn't have it without it but yeah i mean it's just the more

stuff going on the the less you're gonna focus on That's why they put on music to try and out the- When you have a vibrator when you're having sex, do you feel the penis less? Yes. Interesting. Because it would be more stimulation. So you have- But it all together feels fantastic. Yeah.

So if you're doing- You know what I mean though? It's a pie chart and you're only having your clit rubbed. Yes. The whole thing's going to be clit. And maybe a little bit will be whatever noises you you're hearing another thing will be like the pressure of his body on you but then you add another stimulus it's gonna take up more of the pie chart but you're not gonna feel that part of the pie as much if it was the whole pie yes yes the

whole pie would be like all all of the feels and then um yeah and then there was another thing you said that reminded me of something else fuck it vibrator teeth novocaine novocaine um yeah and then there was another thing you said that reminded me of something else fuck vibrator teeth novocaine novocaine um yeah just uh opioids um yeah we got we were talking it was interesting for me to learn the difference between dopamine and then opioids and having like dopamine is the everything up to it yes the pleasure leading up to it which i've always thought about that. But don't you get dopamine when you get a notification? They always say that's a shot of dopamine. That's opioid.

Oh, so they're using it wrong. Yeah, or it would be maybe, it could be like the, I mean, I'm sure it's a mixture of both, but it's two different chemicals and the dopamine is really like the anticipation, the excitement when you're feeling excited about something and then the dopamine and then the opioid

is the rush of like relief that anticipation is finally and then after that dopamine so the dopamine is when you post when you're about to post something and you're getting your post ready and the opioid is like that first hit

of like oh 36 likes within a second and you're like okay this is going to be good. Yeah, and then it dies. But it's psychology in Instagram terms. Oh my God. I mean, it's so, that one book that I read at the beginning of the pandemic that was called,

it was like about addiction. Joe Rogan had posted on his thing and I just downloaded it immediately. But it was about phone addiction and technology addiction. And boy, do they have it. I mean, we already know this from watching that one documentary on Netflix. She's all that.

Yeah, the documentary. The Albert Brooks documentary, He's All That on Netflix. No, it's The Social Dilemma. Thank you. About how these people, they've hired people who work in casinos to figure out that,

that's why Candy Crush is addictive because the way the star lights up, the way the sound, the way the star will go, drrrrring. It's a fucking, whatchamacallit, it's a slot machine.

It's, and that's why Wordle was so cool because he did not want to make it addictive. Holy shit, I haven't heard Wordle. He wouldn't, well, that's why because people have a normal relationship with it and Candy Crush is all about money. Holy shit, I haven't heard wardrobe. He went, well, that's why. Because people have a normal relationship with it.

And Candy Crush is all about money. I mean, I'm sorry, these, I'm really disgusted by consumerism and capitalism at this point in my life. I just think everything is about how much money you can make. Like, oh, Wendy Williams, I just saw this headline. Her show got canceled because she wasn't showing up.

She's going into podcasting. And now she's's going into she's getting a show at serious and her her line which maybe she said more stuff so i don't want to you know take it totally out of context but i think she's someone who represents just do whatever you can to get more money say whatever you want to get more money if you know bad press is good press doesn't matter who you hurt what you say she's not someone who really thinks before she talks. I definitely have that in my system too. But she said, her response was, which is such a Trumpian, like, just don't worry. Anything that's rejected me, anything that's failed, it's good.

I didn't even want it anyway. Or it was a lie. Instead of taking any of the onus. No defeat. You've never made a mistake in your life. Literally, can you please, can anyone give me an example? I would love one of Donald Trump admitting that somewhere he has made a mistake, that he has been fallible, even in the slightest, ever. If you would send me an example, I would really love it.

And it would give me some compassion for him. But Wendy Williams said, I, you know, going to Sirius um actually this is a pretty good Wendy Williams and I don't know her go I'm going to Sirius and I just want to say that um that is I am making more money than I would ever make doing that tv show so it's good like it was just about money it's like what happened to i don't know i liked having a tv show all the people that worked on it with me i'm sad to see it go man this sucks from what i read from what i read about this story because i was thinking about doing it for news for um why do i care she did say that podcasting is more simpler than tv and she was like over i like that that whole production but I just hate this thing

of like oh it doesn't matter I'm gonna make more money there anyway like since when so then why don't you just marry the richest guy and not even care about love

or whatever like why doesn't everything just motivated by oh well I'm making more money so it doesn't even matter I can just you know my whole family died

in that house fire but you know what they cost money so I'm gonna make more money now in the future my next house is gonna be that's how people think that's how much insurance money i got yeah okay yeah all my kids died jump on that psychiatrist call but it just reminds me of uh

clicks and and there was this person that went against dave portnoy from barstool and she actually had some really valid points but really went after like the strong headline and when he interviewed her she was just honest. She goes, look, I just knew it would get a lot of clicks. And he had no defense because she was just so honest. Like, this is it. This is the world we live in. But that's the problem, that everything is about clicks.

And then you get treated better the more clicks you get. It's not about how good the substance is. No, and that's what all people care about because clicks equal money. And power. Start just paying attention to what all people care about because clicks equal money. And power. Search is paying attention to what people, the decisions people make, what they do. I just want to say one last thing because I'm actually, I have time to do it, Noah.

Last night I got, so I came across, I was watching Albert Brooks' movie and I was on my computer and I saw Daily Mail like buried deep down, which is, I barely read the Daily Mail because it's so right wing leaning that it grosses me out, but they do have

the best paparazzi shots and stuff. But there was this article that was said, and I sent it to him. Let me just share this picture. Hold on. I just want to talk about this really quickly.

Final thoughts. So, yeah, double final thought. Finalist thought. I sent him a thing it said whopper of a donation david spade gives five thousand dollars to underappreciated burger king employee who has never missed a day's work but was rewarded with a measly can't measly candy goodie bag on his 27th year anniversary david spade surprised a hard-working burger king employee with five thousand

dollars um spade sent forward a sweet direct message via instagram that read keep up the good work 27 years in response according to a screenshot of their exchange uh obtained by tmz he replied holy shit dude three shocked face emojis the fast food worker also expressed he couldn't believe spade's kindness and was looking forward to using some of his paid time off um ford went viral earlier this week so he posted this video about like i've worked for burger king for 27 years they i've never missed a day and this is what i get for like my anniversary like this goodie bag and so spade saw this and not to get any press like i really i know that you might roll your eyes at that not you but like the listener and so i wrote to him and i go this was really fucking cool because it was buried it wasn't like this wasn't top headline news no you probably saw

it sorry but how did it how did it i have it in my headlines yeah because the guy screenshotted it and then put it on so he originally tick-tocked about being the burger king guy yeah he tick-tocked it also i he should be working i should add that he had he has a go fund me that raised a lot of money from from people who saw his story aside from from david spade yes that he's putting to his grandchild's college tuition yeah right um no uh my appointment was supposed to be at 11 30 i really fucked up anyway so i can probably get on the last half hour um but i wanted to say that i wrote to spade and i said you know this is so cool and he was like yeah that's why i do it you know so it'll get out he

was like no it's i go it's really cool so it'll get out he was like no it's i go it's really cool because it's an amount of money that can change that person's life like five thousand dollars is a fuck ton of money not just i mean to anyone but uh especially to someone who's of minimum wage i don't want to say minimum he's probably had a little bit of a raise in 27 years but maybe not but anyway um spade wrote back and was like we just got into this exchange about um how much money he's given over he's like listen he goes it is you're like he goes you're right because this feels so much better to give this because of all the clicks no but because it is actually i see i see where it's going i see how great it's making this guy's life, how appreciated

it is. He's like, I've donated this amount of money to the Red Cross for the hurricanes, this amount of money for the Red Cross for the earthquakes, this amount of money to California firefighters for the fires. It was so much money. I just

have to say, he's one of the most generous people, celebrities I have ever heard of. He has never once say he's one of the most generous people celebrities i have ever heard of he has never once told me about any of the stuff there's no data about him donating all this it's not you know just for tax right of purposes he has donated so much but he's right like when i donate a big amount to somewhere i'm like this is probably just going to buy paper cups for their meeting that they're having about planning a party like that's how people feel about the government yes about giving taxes because they don't know where it's going or they don't trust where but if you could see where it goes specifically and you get a little tiktok video being like thank

you for your money we now have a pothole like you filled in this pothole yes that would be feel better but i really want to start doing that more often. I pledge as a celebrity that gets paid more money than I probably deserve to be paid because I'm lucky. I want to start doing these tips and I'm not going to do it for – I'm not trying to say this. I just think that everyone can add an extra $5 tip sometimes if you can afford it. And even $5 on – I've said this before. When you're a waitress and you have a – someone's bought a $25 thing and you get $5 as the 20% tip, an extra $5, a 40% tip is enough to literally put a skip in your step and make you like, wow, I just got an extra table's worth of money and it's $5. So you have the ability, everyone has the ability to do this during the day. And if you don't have money, you could do it with compliments with compliments and by the way men need compliments is what i've learned

being around a bunch of men lately they need compliments so andrew your facial hair is coming in great with your beard and your mustache i really like the look thank you i miss the mustache a little bit but you know it'll come back um you look handsome today so i just need you to know that you're a handsome guy thank you we gotta go instead of doing raps we're gonna sing songs this is where i fucked up this is where i went wrong i was supposed to have a psychiatric meeting with my psychiatrist i only go to him every couple months or maybe every nine months to get my medications back on track and to make him make some money so that he doesn't just keep writing me scriptions for and I'm sending scriptions instead of

prescriptions. So then I scheduled this meeting and I thought I'd go in person because I haven't seen him in a while and I fucked it up because in my mind, it's still a telehealth meeting. And they just wrote me and said, you're supposed to be here at 1130. It's now 1205. And I still haven't been there. And I'm not going to come. And I wrote them, hey, can I wait five minutes? And they're like, what do you mean wait five minutes? It's been 35 minutes. And you're supposed to be here.

And it's not telehealth. So everything is fucked. And he's probably going to put me on more meds. I was thinking that it would end up working out for you. Yeah, it's like clearly you need to be on something else. Because you really fucked this up i got a good one okay my girlfriend's car it has a bad engine she brought it to firestone 2500 they quoted so then we brought it to honda they said 950 then i put on instagram story

will anyone do a brand deal i know it's kind of weird to put that out there and i just was kind of kidding but i kind of threw a fishing a hook out there and someone said yes i own hyundai a little bit farther away from st louis so i go okay i talked to the guy he really made it feel like i'd actually get a car for a year and have no charges and everything was great but then i bring it in naive naive naive naive and i bring the car in he's a new famous guy and he thinks perks are all free but there's always a price there's always a price a price it's always a price the best part is they go we knocked it down for you and i go yeah but you forgot about the five other things the last place said so actually it's not less it's more and they gave me 10 percent

how many times have i just thought i was getting a deal and i spend so much more this reminds me if your mom goes to Mexico and she ends up spending $7,000 because of... Yes, and she will because of all the resort fees and the travel. Okay, thank you guys so much for listening. If you do have any car deals that you can help Andrew out with, please... Come to Nashville! August 30th! Do it out of the kindness of your heart.

We're not trying to do any deals here, but, you know. And August 30th, go to Nashville to go see... Zany's. To go see Andrew and support him in his first headlining gig in quite some time

so that would be awesome if you guys all came to that and hung out and really had like a bestie crew to support your best friend Andrew and go support

your theater shows you have a lot coming up and I have a lot of and Good Clean Filth is coming out on HBO July 16th FBoy Island

is going to be out July 14th it's a big week that's coming up make sure to watch FBoy Island is going to be out July 14th. It's a big week that's coming up. Make sure to watch FBoy Island Season 2. Andrew also worked on it. His jokes are all over it, and you'll be able to pick out which ones. I can't even remember who won.

I know. And then, did anyone win? And then my special will be coming out on that Saturday, so make sure to check out the trailer, and if you could share it on your socials, that would mean so much to me to get people to watch it, and I love you guys so much, and don't be cute, and check out the trailer. And if you could share it on your socials, that would mean so much to me to get people to watch it. And I love you guys so much. And don't be good. And Jack Russell Terrier.

Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else.

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