The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #240 Hot Mess Express

Episode Date: July 1, 2022

ATTN: We will not have a pod on Monday July 4th because Nikki will be on a cliff. The pod takes off with a cat chat. To not feel shame Nikki wants to be an inanimate object. She's thinking of bringing snap bracelets back but only if they can be recycled. She and Andrew discuss a study about women with higher IQ's than men. You Heard It Here First, holding in your pee on a long car ride is not so bad unless you have no Kegel muscles. Besties helping Besties and one with a dad similar to EJ leave voicemails for Fanthrax. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

John Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

The Nikki Glaser Podcast. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, with Noah and Andrew. You guys were having a little cat chat before the show. Cat chat. What's going on with cat chat? Talk about cats. Cats, you know cats. Did you know this much about cats before you had one? I had one in college. I just didn't really pay attention to it.

I didn't kill it. Well, it died at your hands. It died near my hands. It died. Yes, it died at, you know. Anyhow. Do you talk about, it died. Anyhow. Do you talk about, do you honor its life through Mango? Every fourth week.

Every time you leave, do you blow out all the candles? What happened? Was it a heater? What I did is I just lit its tail on fire and it went off to its head. I hate when that happens. And you forgot to blow out the cat's tail before you leave. Serial killers do that too. Don't you have nine lives? I don't remember the other eight.

Wait, what did, compared to your old cat, what? No, I just didn't. I wasn't, I was always drunk and up until 4 a.m. So I didn't realize cats stay awake all night because i was awake all night probably crying and writing poetry but wouldn't it be like flipping around and doing the things that mango does and you wouldn't you be awake for that you would think i had no recollection recollection of what this cat did you honestly could be trapped like possibly a serial killer based on how tortured that cat was i I'm too lazy. We've already established this.

Okay, so wait, what's going on with Mango? He died yesterday too. Shut up. I froze him to death. I did a different, complete opposite. He slept in my room overnight. He's been sleeping a while now.

I was asking Andrew because Buzzy will keep either 3.30 330 or 430 on the dot he jumps on the bed and he starts making biscuits on me and he's he purrs what's making biscuits oh it's like needing yeah it's like when the cat purrs and like needs and i can't like i have to embrace it because it's so it's just like a special thing but he wakes me up and it's just it's throwing off my sleep pattern so i was asking andrew if mango does the same thing our cat's nocturnal yes why does everyone know that i don't know it's fucking wild what they do they only hunt at night

i mean i think that's in their blood but is your cat a kitty still and so it's still like have that you know like puppy energy? Yeah. I mean, Brennan still calls him a kitten. I think he's like seven at this point, but he's like 10 months. I don't know when a kitten's not a kitten. You've never Googled when this is going to stop? I don't think it stops.

Yes, it does. Uh-huh. You definitely do not hear cat owners saying that my cat goes wild all night long every night. Yeah. They do every night. Yeah. They do it forever. Forever. Until you train it. You got to train it. You got to feed it early.

You got to play with it right before you go to bed. You got to run them ragged. Right. Well, can you just turn on the white noise and lock it out of the room and then not care? Well, that's the rub is then you start hearing him make a bomb in the kitchen. No, but I mean, if you put on white noise, you can't hear anything. But as you know, I'm not a white noise man. Oh, yeah.

Well, um... No, it's not that bad. It's not that bad. I mean, it's getting better. He's sleeping mostly through the night. And also, he fucks with Brenna. He doesn't fuck with me at night. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He'll sleep on her neck, causing a rash, which is pretty cool of him.

And then he'll lick that rash a week later, like a fucking, now that's a serial killer. That is so weird. Yeah. Wait, he licks the rash he causes? Yeah, it's fucking wild. My God. Wait, how does he get up to her neck to lick it?

What do you mean? On the bed. So she sleeps. Yeah, she sleeps on her back, and he just fucking lays right on her. She sits on her back. Did she train herself to do that? I trained her.

No woman of mine will be sleeping on their side expecting a cuddle. So she sleeps, her face does not touch anything? I mean, she moves around. But even on your side, a cat can sleep on your neck. They're pretty limber.

That's true. Did you ever sleep with a cat? Have you ever dated anyone with a cat? cat well my grandma died and we inherited her cat for the like last couple years of its life but it just hid underneath the bed and like mourned to my grandma we got on with our lives but tootsie couldn't let it go we would just tempt my dog speedo that we had when we got to when we inherited tootsie um speedo would be like just so jealous of any attention we gave anyone else mostly the cat and so even after tootsie's passing we would literally hold anything just go oh tootsie and he would just be like and like try

to get in so forever i mean cereal boxes uh the mailbox, a blade of grass. We could just go, oh, Tootsie. And he would just come over and be like, oh. So it was really cute that we would try to get my dog jealous. It's funny dogs get so jealous. Yeah, I used to try to fight my parents about how dogs don't get jealous because my dad would be like, well, now you need to give Wiley a treat. And I'd be like, but Wiley didn't do anything.

Yeah. And treats are supposed to train a dog. They're not just supposed to. So, you know, Luigi would sit, and then we'd try to get Wiley to sit, and he wouldn't sit. So we'd give Luigi a treat, and then Wiley would have to get one

because Luigi got one, but Luigi earned it. I'm all about earning things. You earned a nap. Yeah, you earned a treat. And I kept him up all night Sleep deprived I love giving a random treat

To a dog for doing nothing I mean I do that too When You know They're hungry for dinner Too early or something But Yeah

Treats I think If dog trainers are listening I'm correct And like You should only give dogs Because they get fat otherwise Oh yeah

I think I think mango's gonna be a fat cat, like a kid that's fed McDonald's at seven. So if you went downstairs right now, where would that cat be? What's it doing? We bought him a... He looks like a mountain climber. He's got a thing of suction. You have a lot of things all over your house.

Yeah. My cat has turned into a cat house. It looks like a burning man for cats you have all these sculptures and wood cactus yeah he's got a home he's got this like weird it looks like a like a nazi symbol but fun that's what i was talking about that thing it's like a school it's like an art installation yeah yeah yeah it was at 20.99 on Amazon. Okay. One day it'll be a lot, though. Yeah. Good investment. Once it's ravaged by your cat.

There's a thing on the wall. You suction it to the fucking window. Cat shelves. And it just... Cats like to be high. They like to fucking look you in the eye when they want to fucking tell you what's up. What is fun about having a cat?

They're fucking fun. My cat is dope. Tell me why. Like, he'll fucking... When he plays fetch, the motherfucker can jump like nine feet in the air. It makes me think a tiger could jump 80 feet in the air just based off of his size.

Like, seriously, the cat can jump... The counter you have out there? Straight up. Oh, here I am. Yeah. What the fuck? It's jumping like nine times its i am yeah how what the fuck it's jumping like nine times it's and then when you drop it doesn't it just land on every time you could throw it don't try that at home kids so he does that he does this thing he'll play fetch he'll

literally play fetch he'll grab it like a dog he can jump and i'll catch with both hands and do a flip and then land like i just watch him in amazement. Yeah, it's like going to Circus Olay. Oof. You know? Don't like that. I don't like Circus Olay. Circus Olay.

Circus du Soleil. I don't like any of them. But, yeah, so he's doing that all day, though? Or is it mostly, like, if you went down there, would you even say hi to him? Like, is he out? Is he just, like, waiting for you? So I came you so i came in bug you immediately i was gone for two hours i came in he came up to me he laid on his on his back you know it's hard for me to get on the floor but i got down there i gave him a couple rubs i went on the couch he got on me he does this

thing what does he do when you're on tiktok on tiktok like if oh he'll just but this is a beautiful thing he'll he'll do his own thing like you don't have to worry about a cat entertaining themselves yes but when they want to be dependent they're not annoying dependent you know how a dog is like make it all about me you don't even have time for tiktok he'll do this thing where like he'll he'll bite me but not so soft that it feels like a gentle acupuncture massage with his teeth yes and then he'll he'll bite me but not so soft that it feels like a gentle acupuncture massage with his teeth and then he'll claw you in a way and then he'll use his back legs to to hit and it's just i don't know it's like a little fucking massage it's like a little massage is he trying to get your attention yeah he's just having fun and then he'll go like this and then you rub him and then he goes

and then he'll get you again and then with b him and then he goes and then he'll get you again and then with Brenna they're on a whole nother plane of like don't play hide and seek like he'll fucking go on the floor she'll be on the bed and she'll look he'll go and then he'll fucking jump and then he'll fucking run like it's wild

it's like connecting in a way where I think there's more to this shit of like energy with animals. Yeah, animals have souls. That's why you shouldn't eat them. They have personalities. A pig would have that personality. No offense, but like –

That bitch ain't jumping 10 feet. Well, it's not about – I'm kidding. I'm kidding. That's the thing. People always just go, how can animals – It's wild that this animal I thought was just this beady-eyed idiot. Yeah.

Tends to like other people more, tends to gravitate. Don't say that about me. Do I have beady eyes? What are beady eyes? My assistant sent me this amazing, beady eye means just no. Is it beady eyes or? What did you think it was? Say it again.

B-E-A-D-Y. B-E-a-d-y b-e-a-d-y yeah bead okay bds um envisioning like terrence and philip eyes but anyways hello terrence hello philip oh yeah oh yes yes yes yes they're like canadian yeah they're they hate canadians and they have like like pac-man mouths yes yes um get high and watch south park more anyways go ahead uh your assistant yeah she sent me a video of from like planet earth or one of those netflix shows about a puffer fish that does this amazing artwork for it takes him a week and he's working 24 hours a day seven days a week for one week um to compete with the title like the currents of the ocean and he just like like kind of fluffs along the sand and then he'll take little seashells and put them on different parts of the sand that is like raised up and once you zoom out it's this

huge crop circle like thing that has i mean it's gorgeous it looks raised up and once you zoom out it's this huge crop circle like thing that has i mean it's gorgeous it looks like a um dream catcher and it's to attract a mate and it's it's crazy like you see it like pick up these little shells and just put them at the tops like like it's doing an art project like it knows where the shell it wants the shell to go and it's at the top at this point and then the other shell will be at the top it's the craziest thing i've ever seen was that on like uh what's that on she just sent me a clip that was i think it's at the top at this point and then the other show will be at the top. It's the craziest thing I've ever seen. Was that on like, what's that on? She just sent me a clip that was,

I think it's Netflix like Planet Earth or one of those. I mean. Like the puffer fish works 24 hours a day. You would think that's an alien installment. Seven days a week. Like if you didn't know the puffer fish did that, you would think aliens are on the bottom of the ocean. I mean.

You know what I mean? But what's the difference between that and like. A cat playing hide and seek and like um a cat yeah a cat that's playing hide and seek nothing why isn't that an alien nothing yeah yeah no i get why don't we eat cat why doesn't anyone eat cat they don't have that much meat who eats cat proper fish i think some like i'm wondering just for like they're harvested anywhere i know but like dog meat is actually a thing i'm wondering just for like they're harvested anywhere i know but like dog meat is actually a thing i'm just wondering is dog more delicious i think cats

cats are just it's too bland i think i think cats aren't that that don't have that much fat on them oh but i don't know i mean i was yeah i think cats are pretty lean. But I don't think you eat fat. You eat usually muscle. Yeah, and I don't think you eat big cats. There's not a lot of them. I know, but they would breed anything. Be a delicacy? They just breed anything that they wanted to make. I think it's hard to have a tiger farm.

They'd find a way to just make them so fat they can't walk like they do with every other animal. I'd bite you if i could fucking oh it makes me so sad when i see those bit like just any animal that's like deeply overweight and stuck in like a body that its owner's forcing it to have i get that way when i see really overweight kids where it's like they just like don't have the choice yeah and it's just laziness and these kids are like and they're so lively and happy and yet you're they're killing their kid well yeah i i think it's more like the it's yeah it's it's not good but i always just feel i i like almost like seeing it because i'm like oh my god there's someone that doesn't have the cultural stigma yet of feeling in a body that culturally we yeah so many people don't approve of like it's so i like fat babies where no one's concerned about the baby's health

even though people make snide comments constantly like well that's a big baby like to make the moms feel bad or something sometimes that happens though because of food insecurities and people don't have access to healthy foods yes but the problem is that fast food doesn't make people fat it's the volume of food that makes people fat so when i hear about food insecurity i'm sure i don't know what i'm talking about but it's not if you just eat less of whatever the food you're getting you won't be fat like you could eat mcdonald's every night and not get fat it could hurt you though yes you could have yes it sure could but i always just when i see when i even a dog that's fat there is something sad about it and this is not a body

shame podcast but just the cultural stigma that you carry as someone that's in a body that americans don't say or say is wrong or needs to change i would say most americans not all for sure and it's changing um i just go oh it's so nice that like that dog doesn't care like sometimes that's what i try to act like whenever i have an ego about anything is i'm like what if i was a mailbox yeah what if like that was what i was trying to describe that one day where i was like what if you didn't care what if you had no ego so like whatever you're worried about oh this nashville show is anyone gonna show up what if you were a mailbox yeah like it's oh is that person mad at me what if someone tried to be mad at a mailbox you would just be like what who cares like i don't to be mad at a mailbox? You would just be like, what?

Who cares? Like, I don't know why I picked a mailbox, but I really feel like sometimes I just go, you're a mailbox. Because I'm no different than a mailbox. I know I'm sentient, but, like, sentience doesn't really mean anything. I'm just a bag of – I'm just an object. Yeah. That has the right wiring that makes me feel like I'm a self, but I'm not. So I can be a mailbox.

So be a mailbox. I get what you're saying. I am quite often. I think fear, yeah, those fears and stuff. If I'm sad about something, I'm just like, would a mailbox, how would a mailbox respond to this? And it wouldn't because it doesn't matter. You can't put on like imperfection to a mailbox. A mailbox doesn't feel sad that it's like rusted.

I don't think it's like yes but i think you can do that to the point of then you're homeless and then like no no but what i'm saying though is like people being at that show means money which money makes shelter which those are all those things for money as much as you're i i get that we're we're always doing stuff for money ultimately well for what money provides but you could say no ego forever well you would have seen a certain amount of money so maybe a certain amount of ego you need even more money as i always say comedians get into it because we are we our self-esteem is low and because we want people to like us. So it has something to do with that as much as it does money.

And I'm just saying if you remove that and mailboxes also need money, I guess. They need maintenance to stay the way they are. Yes. But they don't care. It doesn't matter. A mailbox doesn't care if you don't like a mailbox. It doesn't take a lot of maintenance

to keep a mailbox going. Well, let's just say whatever it is, it takes something. I get what you're saying. I'm just saying that you can play this until you're homeless and you have nothing. But that's what everyone says about free will when I say there's no free will. And they go, well, then why don't I just do nothing? It's like, well, that's not the point of saying there's no free will. The point is that you just need to know that you're still going to want to survive.

So even when you choose to do nothing, you're not choosing to do nothing. No, you're not making a choice to do nothing. But I don't know why that works for me sometimes. It's just to be like... No, I get what you're saying. You know, me and Chris are like having a fight or something. I will just be like, what if I was a mailbox? And let's say I think Chris is mad at me

about something and I'm feeling a lot of shame about whatever it is. I just go, what if someone was like trying to shame a mailbox? Like how would that mail? Cause I deal with a lot of shame in every aspect of my life. It always comes back to like, I'm a bad person. I don't deserve things. I don't, I'm not, uh, yeah, I don't deserve things and I don't'm not uh yeah i don't deserve things and i don't i'm not good enough to get things and so i just always go what if a mailbox felt that way and you wouldn't it it it wouldn't you can't you couldn't make a mailbox feel any way and i know people can't make you feel a way but yes they can well sure sure but I mean, I guess I think there's probably like I just think about like if someone goes, your mailbox is ugly.

I'd be I could be hurt. My mailbox doesn't get it doesn't change anything about the mailbox. And we could also be that same way of like people's opinions of us could literally matter as much as the mailbox doesn't have to do anything except collect mail. OK, well, let's say it had to do something. My computer. Let's say my computer had to work. I'm just saying it keeps elevating the more you have to do to survive.

If all of... Yeah, well, we want to survive. So survive mentally. Survive financially. Survive physically. A mailbox just is there. I know that's what I'm saying. But I'm saying that we have to survive.

You, if you get in a fight with Chris has to survive mentally being shame or feeling shame or feeling like people don't like me is never going to make you do better and people go no it pushes me it doesn't it pushes you off a cliff and it could push you in ways

to where you don't even really want to end up being yes but you might end up Tom Cruise who looks happy but guaranteed miserable. Oh, I mean, he's killed so many children. Did you see him on top of that Dubai thing, sitting up there with no restraint? I mean, get over yourself.

How do you get up there, though? That's pretty cool. What's he thinking about up there? How good his windblown hair plugs look? Yeah, he probably is a mailbox of emotions. Things are coming in the movies again. We missed you. We got to go to break.

Andrew! Every rose has its thorn. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcastars Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors.

The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, we're back. I went to Chris's radio show. Oh. Had a remote today. A remote? Where they were broadcasting from a donut shop.

On location. Yeah, a remote location. I think it's called doing a remote. Yeah, you're right. A remote broadcast. Someone, you are. Andrew just goes, he was fucking a TV clicker. fucking a tv clip clicker he was doing a remote you know what my favorite thing going to a hotel take it right out of plastic right out of the way

and just fucking i can't i can't do it like a plastic yeah lick it wait no you don't you don't take it out of the pot you don't put it out yeah well plastic. Yeah, it's cock. Well, you had these slap bracelets at the remote. It was so fun. Kids died from those. Kids died from slap bracelets? I think they got recalled. Those were the first jewels. No.

Yeah, kids cut their fucking artery. They cut their wrists. Maybe with a faulty one, but I think it's very safe. These are so fun. I don't know why they fell out of favor. Trust me, I'm jealous right now. They're so fun to do. know why they fell out of favor trust me i'm jealous right now they're so fun to do you just do this all day very sexual it's like first experience with like handcuffs like slap it yeah like a slap paddle oh well it is sexual that's very nostalgic

it's so nostalgic i was so excited about it I was thinking, they're so cheap to make and very lightweight. They would be a fun thing to give out at shows. Oh, yeah. But I just wonder if people would trash them. I just don't want to contribute more shit to the ocean, which this probably is. I mean, who's going to keep a slap bracelet for longer than a day? Well, here's the thing.

There were millions of slap bracelets out of all our listeners. Who still has one? Yeah. Do you have pogs?ammers slammers um did you do pencil break as a kid spinners spinners what's spinners oh spinner that's not that long ago things that you put on your finger and they spin what no you're talking the things for anxiety fidget spinners yeah yeah yeah where did those all go and those were just here those are in the marianas trench pet rock yep be a pepper those are what yeah that's that's what i'll do yeah

what would a pet rock thing what that's a little bit above a mailbox but does it make sense that like when you go because if someone doesn't like my soda can and goes that's ugly this soda can is not affected the chemistry of it is not affected. The taste of it. Don't do a funny joke. I'm not. Seriously. I'm not. I think I've been very serious about this thing.

So if someone tells me, I hate your comedy. You're ugly. Yes. Like, I don't like you. Instead of it impacting me and me like processing it and me, it going in my brain and swirling around and then literally leading to stress and me working out more, me, whatever. It could just just mail you know what it's called teflon bruce lee already covered this

what is it called he's right like a butterfly sting like a bee yep no that was muhammad ali wait that'd be a funny game to like try to come up with like famous quotes no bruce lee said be water that's everything like be water you Be water. So you can take shit. Although, there have been experiments where if you talk to a glass of water and you go, you fucking piece of shit water. I hate you. It will turn into gas? It will.

It's pH balance gets changed. If you like scold a glass of water all day and then another glass, you're like, you're beautiful water. Thank you. I swear to God. There have been experiments. I know. It's you're beautiful water thank you i swear to god it's true someone just like yelling at a big gulp and it was fucking like i saw a study the other day that i posted on my instagram and of course i get a million guys being like not true oh i do not relate to this to try to to get in my pants. I hate these, no offense to guys,

I don't hate you as much as the guys that are the opposite. But whenever there's a study that says, guys do this, guys don't go down on women, guys don't like, well, guys always go, I'll go down on you.

I like smart women. But the study came out, just like the funny women study, men do not like intelligent women they like smart women from afar and they will like them i think like on the phone and if they're in the next room or on video conference in person plummets their liking of them but men say they like fun they like smart women so the problem is we do not as a species understand what we actually like we say we like

something but then our actions say different and this was an extensive study that found that because it makes that it means that you you can't but what do you subjugate are you talking about i know i know this word opinionated sounds bad, but you would like a smart IQ. Okay. How about a guy? Okay. Interesting. Yeah.

I don't just straight up IQ because there's, I don't know how much of it has to be with intelligence verse like it's intelligence, man. But why would we hate, why would we hate just someone being smart? Like what does that do? Because they see through our bullshit and then call us out? Yes. Okay. So then let's say a smart person that doesn't always call out shit that they know.

Do you know what I mean? Like, there's a difference between. If you guys know a woman is smarter than you based on test scores, you will like her less. No matter what she looks like. You know, I mean, I'm guessing looks can probably trump this a little bit. on test scores you will like her less interesting no matter what she looks like uh you know i mean i'm guessing looks can probably trump this a little bit but um yeah based on i'm just saying like if you dated a guy that was smarter than you that did better on the sats whatever and then like saw through bullshit that you did all the time would you hate that he's smarter would you hate

that he's about someone being like well actually George Herbert Bush it's not like of course that person's annoying I know. This is about men who perceive a woman that they have not met to be smarter. They will not like a woman more based on nothing else than knowing from test

scores but you don't know what you actually like is what they found because every guy says what you say and then most of the guys in my dm say oh that is not true for me that is not true wait let me just read some of them i'm so not true i'm actually the contrary and it's just like yeah um i just wanted to find i wish i would have, I've met a lot of smart people where you have no idea how smart they are because this is a study where men do know. So if you were to meet someone, if this is when you do find out someone smart,

you know, aside from any, you haven't met the person yet. You like a woman less. It would be funny. I wonder like how they conducted the study though. Like how do you, that's what I'm trying to find because it's,

it is the, the way they did it was really interesting actually. and that's always what i love reading about these scientific studies is how they do it and because they're always so um god where is it i mean it is interesting to think like if you went on bumble or tinder and someone if there was a box of like what's your sat score and to see how that affects if men would swipe right or not. Men may like the idea of a smart woman but they don't want to date one. New research suggests that dating as a woman

is in fact the worst. This is from the Huffington Post. Okay let me just go to it. Oh my god. Wait hold on. Men say they want What was the test group doing? Andrew talk. What was the test group doing? Andrew, talk. You guys talk.

Maybe the woman walked in and she had glasses on and they're like, fuck that. I'm not fucking that. Look at her glasses. Fucking nerd. She was dressed like a librarian. He didn't like her outfit. Yeah, what a fucking dweeb. Look at her with a beaker. Yeah, okay, so. Until she slapped him with a bracelet.

Yeah, so this was this is from, I guess this is a she slapped him with a bracelet. Yeah, so this is from... I guess this is a thing that was posted a while ago, and I just came across it, but this is... I mean, the research is all still there. Do men not actually want to date? A series of studies asks how far men and women have progressed. Yeah. After looking into mating preferences of more than 5,000 men and women...

Men desire smart,000 men and women um men desire smart strong successful women 87 of men said they would date a woman who was more intellectual than they were who's better educated and who did make considerably more money than they did while 86 said that they were in search of a woman who was confident and self-assured um what this doesn't do it god damn yeah this is uh maybe it was just like a like no no that's what they say they want no no no this is not a headline okay so here we go in the first version of the study the researchers had this is a different study had 105 undergraduate men read a hypothetical scenario about a woman who scored better than them on a test and then asked them to rate how romantically desirable that woman seemed in the second they had 151 undergraduate men take an intelligence test and then asked

them if they'd like to meet the woman down the hall, who either scored better or worse than them on the test. Both of these studies found that when men imagined a hypothetical woman who was smarter than they were or only knew of the woman in an abstract sense, they were interested in meeting her and even dating her. In the next two versions of the study, men interacted with a woman who either performed better or worse on an intelligence test than they did after the participants met the woman took the test while seated next to her and heard both of their scores read aloud male participants were asked to move their chair across from the

woman's chair they were then told to take a survey about their first impressions of the other specifically how attractive and desirable they found each other. The researchers looked at the distance between the two chairs as a measure of how attractive the man was to the woman. Men who were partnered with a woman who scored higher on the intelligence test felt the need to physically distance themselves from her when moving their chairs. They also tended to rate her as less attractive and desirable to date than men who interacted with a woman who scored worse than they had. Boom. But these women look different. And it's after they were shamed in front of them or embarrassed for getting a lower score.

So did that have any impact? Well, guess what? That's what's going to happen in a relationship if you date a woman. If you took two women, one being dumb as fuck and also not attractive, and then one being smart as fuck and attractive, the chair's going towards...

In the fifth version, men were either told there was a woman in the room next door or they were seated face to face with a woman. Participants and the woman shared basic information like name, relationship status, age, and year in school. Then they took an intelligence test side by side and were told their score is allowed. The men were told the woman either scored higher or lower on the test, no matter how well they did. Finally, participants filled out a survey measuring how much they related to various stereotypical masculine qualities and how interested they were in the Roman women romantically.

The last two versions of the study found that men were less interested in dating and interacting with a smarter woman when she was face to face with them. However, in the fifth study, when she was psychologically distanced, supposedly in the next room, there was no difference in men's desire to date or interact with her, no matter how well she scored in the fifth study, when she was psychologically distanced, supposedly in the next room, there was no difference in men's desire to date or interact with her no matter how well she scored in the test.

So multiple tests confirm that a woman, regardless of her looks, when in a room with a man and he knows she's smarter, doesn't want to be near her. But when she's in the other room and they don't actually have to be near her, this reminds me of guys before realize like the responsibility of having sex with a woman and what it means being like i would love to be in a relationship and then they fuck you and then they're like change their mind or like just saying what think just assuming that you can do things oh i can jump that high and you try to jump on the counter like your cat and you can't but you can't like you want a smart woman and yet when you're faced with one no likey no i get it i mean i think a lot of men are insecure and fucking they're little bitches when it comes to empowered women and like independent women and women making more money and women being the breadwinners they

fucking hate it yeah i get what it's it says the takeaway we don't always know what we want even if we think we do. It seems that even if men say they want a smarter woman, when push comes to shove, they're not so into women who threaten their own intelligence. Their findings suggest that there are conditions under which self-protective concerns may trump qualities of partners that seem desirable at a distance. Translation, men who blow off intelligent women might just be protecting their fragile masculine egos. It's a bummer. translation men who blow off intelligent women might just be protecting their fragile masculine egos yeah it's a bummer i do feel like at least i mean it's not good me no like like

i feel like you compartmentalize it wow you look great drool i think like you could date intelligent women and you could be smarter in other ways than her just being books I know it have you ever pretended to be dumb in front of a guy or just knew that your intelligence would threaten them so you just kind of play dumb

honestly I do it all the time all the time in work settings not in my relationship yes because work settings I used to do it in relationships when I was not in healthy ones yeah but in work settings i used to do it in relationships when i was not

in healthy ones yeah but in work settings all the time i and i use you ever try to be smart i just want to say because i am a feminist i want to say i use it to my advantage and if a guy is dumb enough to fall for it it helps me get what i want so agreed i mean we do stuff all the time can you remember points and times where you played smart, as smart as you can, and it backfired? No. So that's what I'm saying. So why are we playing dumb? What do you mean? Why are you playing dumb? Because I've never tried to play

smart. I know, but I'm saying it. Why would I do that? Because I'm smart. No, I know, but it's interesting. That would make me lose a job. But we don't know that. I mean, there are times where I know when men like to be cocked a little bit and they love a woman telling them what to do. And especially if, but if someone is my, if I'm a subordinate, no chance am I ever going to, when I, because I just have, I think women are good at reading a room because we have to be because men can murder us. We have to know when they're going to be ticked off.

We just have better instincts for reading people than men do, I think. And I think that I can absolutely tell when a man – I've seen it happen before where men just turn off or just stop talking to you or stop addressing you because you've you've um been smarter about something than they have yeah and so you just have to go i don't know how to you work this remote ox i don't know what is how do you put it i don't do that like i just like match it or i just like i'm very curious about things and like ask them questions, like explain things, even though I might know already. But it's like disarms them and then go in for the kill. Yes. I mean, yeah, I won't play dumb, but I will not try to.

I will not. I will help them get at the answer themselves almost like a second grade teacher being like and then what if I do carry the two there what would happen you think and then they go four and I go oh yeah okay good job I wouldn't have gotten that I think I thought of that yeah but it's just interesting I think a lot of things happen for women I get afraid to play smart because I don't think I'm smart, so I kill it with – so if I'm in a room, I go with humor,

and that's how I get things. Yes. That's how I get a job or that's how I go – you know what I mean? Yes. It's never I play up to my highest intelligence because I don't know. Right.

I've seen you be smart in a room, and then you say something like um well like you'll say you'll use a word wrong which isn't really about intelligence i mean in some ways it is but you'll like say um what was the one that you were like i'm on hyenas you'll say something like that and people go hyenas and you go well i'm dumb i'm just a dumb dumb guy i'm a dumb dumb you literally that isn't exaggerated you just go well i'm dumb i'm just like i'm dumb and then it's like you're turned off i'm turned uh well yeah i mean there are times you shut down because you just go oh god i'm stupid because it probably brings you back to being well i feel like if i'm

not being listened to i'm just i'm like i don't we are listening you said i is wrong first of all that was three times you know like i think those things are not signs of intelligence that's you just like not caring if it's Cirque du Soleil or Cirque Circus Soleil well if I'm not getting stuff from someone that maybe I would want I I tend to shut down instead of pushing even harder to make them oh yeah like me more no I can. I just can't. Yeah, that is. I've done it before, and it's just,

and you never get the reaction that you are pushing for, usually. I mean, it doesn't really. Yeah, I used to like. But what do I know? I'm just like. When a boyfriend would get like mad at me, and then you go to like,

talking like this more, and like being like, oh, this is yummy, or like oh this is yummy or like just being like fake like new friends like kirsten and i used to say like why are you being new friends suddenly it's like this is fake voice you're eating a shoe nikki i know i know i'm dumb dumb this isn't this isn't a biscuit um but yeah biscuit uh yeah I mean that is very hard for me to do is not turn into people pleasing when like someone doesn't

like me even a girl getting really really nice where I will actually treat her better than anyone I've ever treated anyone in my life because she doesn't because she's a horrible person and she ends up getting the best of me like all my energy to be so kind so complimentary so sweet because she's a horrible person. Yes. And she ends up getting the best of me, like all my energy to be so kind,

so complimentary, so sweet, because she's a cunt. It's so weird when that happens. Why? I want to know. It's codependency. Because we are desperate,

but codependency isn't a bad thing. Like, I think codependency gets a bad rap, but like, no, it's not like we need each other. We, humans need each other.

Is the cunt codependent? No, no, no. She's codependent. No, but no but for real codependency is um basing your happiness this person like me basing your happiness on someone else's feelings it's not that like we rely on each other that's what i used to think codependency was as well but it's the emotional thing. Right. Oh my God. That's my whole thing. Like I, I think I'm shit. So unless someone else thinks I'm good, then I must be,

if anyone ever has any seeking suspicion that I'm shit, boy, it's just, then what, then what does my, the only thing that's holding up my tent is the tent poles of people thinking I'm better than I think I am. So if those go away, I've got nothing.

Yeah. You know, like that is. Not if you're a mailbox water tent. Well, tent, yeah. A tent that doesn't have poles or does have poles is still a fucking tent. It's so true. It doesn't really matter. I'm a mailbox.

All right. That's going to be, that's going to be my Wilco song. I'm a mailbox. She's a mailbox. All right, guys. Let's take a quick break and come right back. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which

means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. The Daily Show Podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious, satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports and more from Jon and the team of correspondents and contributors.

The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, we're back. Let's do the news. You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. Oh, man, it's Thursday, folks.

You know what that means? It is Thursday. What are you going to do? It's July 4th. You firing off fireworks out of your asshole? Or are you going to suck it down like an animal? What? I hope you're having all the smiles. Wait, what are you doing for do? It's July 4th. You firing off fireworks out of your asshole? Or are you going to suck it down like an animal? What? I hope you're having all the smiles.

Wait, what are you doing for fireworks? I got nothing. There's got to be some in St. Louis. Are you leaving? Don't they shoot guns or something in St. Louis or something? I mean, every night. Yeah. How do you think we get to the top of the list?

Up in the air or something. No. Oh, that's January 1st. That's New Year's. That's a real thing. People still do it. I mean, you don't have to worry

about bullets flying. It's not like you just bring a steel umbrella. I'm on the third floor. I'm still in bullet range. No, I'm the 12th. It's going to hit me first. It's going to shoot up

and go right down. We're going to be off on Monday. We should let besties know. We are going to be off on our. We are going to be off on our nation's birthday. Where are you going? I know it's our nation's birthday.

I'm going to upstate New York. Keene, New York. Oh, girls trip. No, no, no. I'm going on boys trip. Yeah, I'm going with... Well, great, Nikki. So I have a great story for you.

Yes. Okay. So just FYI for your future trip or trips, traffic to the Hamptons has gotten so bad that rich New Yorkers are getting bladder surgery and bladder Botox to avoid bathroom breaks on the drive. That's so stupid. I love a bathroom trip.

I love going, stopping at a rest stop for a bathroom break. I love it. The problem is there's no rest areas. There's no rest areas in the Hamptons. Oh, that's why.

Got it, got it, got it, got it. Okay, I thought people were just like, I don't want to stop. I'm trying to think what, yeah, there's a stretch there. I've driven a lot. Oh, where you all

go through your Hamptons catalog. Oh, yeah, back in the day. There's a stretch between east and south for a while there. People are just hillercoptering in. Hillercoptering? Yeah.

Hillary cop. Wow. I'm hillery. Dom, dom, dom. No, I've taken helicopters in and out of Hampies. Same, brah. I did it once. I would not do it again.

I don't like helicopters. They're really scary. They're very scary. So scary. I would take a passenger bus now, though, because I have no fear of that. But we're going to the Hamptons. Pissing a Gatorade. I'm going on a girls' trip with 11 girls.

Oh, my God. Talk about my nightmare. But this weekend, I'm going on an upstate to watch fireworks and jump off cliffs. And I'll write a suicide note before i do that no um it's like a cliff situation i'm not doing the cliff jump yeah you are saralina did it you'll do it from low no saralina did it once and she got a she it looked like a bullet wound it was this gigantic bruise she was like nikki never do that ever she was like you know all the boys do it i have no

interest in doing it do a shallow one short one maybe you'll feel good no it's it's i don't i don't want to do anything that is not actually approved by state law to be safe this is just a bunch of boys being like that's fine also like bladder surgery to fucking it's pissing and you're peeing gatorade yeah you need more Gatorade space than you think. Yeah, why is that? Your bladder carries a lot more than you think. It's wild. Just like you were talking about poop.

Food compacts down too little. Water expands too a lot. I don't know what's going on. Someone's saying some mean stuff to that water. It's so hard to do. I pissed trying to drive one time. Have an easier time with it. I got so much piss all over me.

Yeah. I mean, I might as well just have pissed all over myself and saved the Gatorade bottle. Well, it's also hard to figure out as a woman where the pee comes from and where to put the bottle over because it just starts going everywhere. Because especially when you first start peeing in a car, it trickles out because you're so nervous. What if you put it all in? Would you get the hole? Yeah. I would just put it up

in it, on it, covering every space. I've used a cup. Just put a cup. Yeah, just right up there. But it's hard to pee not in a toilet because we're so used to going in toilets. You guys are used to standing up, maybe going in the woods. Can you cut it off like guys can?

Yes. My friend Holla can't though because she was born premature and she doesn't have any kegels. Man, she needs a whole fucking liter. No, that was what we discovered in high school. She had a peeing problem where she would pee every time she laughed too hard, and she would plug up her vagina with her foot. She would fall to the ground, plug up her vagina with her heel, and once it started, though, it was too late,

which I didn't understand none of us understood we just thought it wasn't that big of a deal because if she peed a little bit like who cares it's funny but what we didn't realize is that once holla starts peeing it does there's no off switch and we didn't realize it till one day when i was in the bathroom and i was talking to holla like i had a bathroom off my bedroom and i was talking to her from she was in my bedroom like on my bed like flipping through my cd buck or something yeah and i'm talking to her for the bathroom and i'm like so later on what movie do you want to watch tonight and i and she talked and i couldn't hear her over my p sound so i stopped my p stream and she answered you know like drop dead fred

and then i was like oh that's a good idea and i started peeing again she goes and then i was all of a sudden her face around the corner she goes what the fuck was that and i was like what do you mean she was like why did you stop peeing and then start again and i was all of a sudden her face around the corner she goes what the fuck was that and i was like what do you mean she was like why did you stop peeing and then start again and i was like what do you what do you i couldn't understand it but she was like i don't know what that is she had never done that just an open faucet that it's just everything comes out it's like a sprinkler system in a you know yeah if you set up the sprinklers they just don't stop until they're all out it's so funny when you're trying to stop it right at the top of the gatorade and you know you're gonna get pissed on you but you just can't but you can't stop it either yeah and then you stop it but then you always get how disgusting

is it when you see bottles of gatorade with piss in them around new york city with taxicab drivers just like why is it always gatorade because i I think they have a bigger hole at the top. That's true. I have a confession. Yeah, the owner of Gatorade. Okay, sure. What's going on? Yeah.

So this has not happened to me yet, but last night after Buzzy woke me up in the middle of the night, I went back to sleep and I had a dream. And it was a dream that I was hanging out with you, Nikki. You were in my dream. That was really cool. We were like in this like mansion

and we were outside at the pool and you decided you didn't like your bathing suit anymore. So you just like got out of the pool and all of a sudden you like pull your entire bathing suit off and I saw your puss. Oh my God. What did it look like? was cute are you playing dumb huh she's playing dumb you see how she said it like i saw your puss like no you saw her

use the medical term vagina yeah i didn't know what she didn't want to intimidate you yeah it was bald she's in another room so you might be okay so how was it it was bald and you were gonna go inside the house to look for another bathing suit and i'm thinking like oh but there's people in the house nikki's gonna go in there naked she's just gonna do that that's kind of like my new thing i want to be more naked uh maybe that's why she probably dreamed of it i really yeah maybe it is in line with like exactly what i want to start doing like i just i think that we need to just have our bodies out and make people deal with them

no matter what you look like like just take your fucking shirts off I'm just so I want I want people to look at our vaginas and have to like deal with like this is what it is I want to bleed everywhere and be like this is what comes out of me every fucking month you know like I want people to like deal with it because I

mean I talked about it before I can't believe that I never knew how much blood comes out of me and so one day i just didn't decide to put a tampon in our whole lives were just like no no no keep it in oh keep this away from people don't don't inconvenience anyone with this now i want to spin over a little tampon around on a string and filling it at your fucking forehead so mad i'm so mad i was i was like i don't know driving to that thing today the radio thing and i'm just like furious about roe v wade i just like i and i was i was leaving on your voice message about just being angry about other stuff and she was like dude it's like everyone we're all like so simmeringly if you're not mad you're not paying attention I hate

when people say that but it's true like yeah you're not it's just um I I just looked at a picture of myself on stage on Thursday night versus Saturday and it was a different person I mean my shirt was on in one and my shirt was off in the other but I just think that it was a different person. I mean, my shirt was on in one and my shirt was off in the other, but I just think that it was just like, I don't know, I'm just not feeling very good about stuff. I hate Clarence Thomas so fucking much. Do you want to listen to Fanthrax? It might make you feel a little bit better.

Yeah, I'll listen to Fanthrax. It made me feel better. Even though those people that left those notes probably did it before Roe v. Wade got overturned and so it was a different world. Let's listen to some hope in women's voices for the last time. Let's get to Fanthrax. The first one's just like... She's getting an

abortion. Yeah. The most anti-abortion guy ever. Okay. So let's start with calls from this week. And let's start with Shamara from this week um and let's start with uh shamara hey nikki andrew and noah this is your bestie shamara calling from michigan i'm sure you remember me from our meet and greet nikki and andrew in royal oak yes because of my unfortunate events of my car breaking down and those people helped you

the besties helped me out and I made it to the show on time which was really cool yes and then those I just wanted to say that I had so much to say to you guys but I was a hot mess express super nervous and I just thought it was really awesome that like besties in general are like people that help others and we're're, like, a little community, and it's really cool what you guys have created in the pod. And I work as a firefighter EMT, and when I'm not taking calls, I really enjoy listening to the pod and laughing, and I've been listening since you up days.

And you guys are just really great, and you did great at the show, and thanks for everything you do And J-J-J-Jayden Oh my god Jayden Aerosmith Yeah She was so nice

I remember her I remember that name What a name Shamera Also what a badass firefighter Fucking I know She's EMT firefighter

So she's not taking calls No she's out there She's a store show That's what she said Well you gotta pass EMT EMT, firefighter, so she's not taking calls. No, she's out there. That's what she said. Well, you got to pass the EMT before you get firefighter. Wait, you have to pass the what? EMT before you get the firefighter. Oh, you have to start as an EMT? You know this, Noah, right?

Because Avi, does he want to be a firefighter? No, he wants to do more like rescue stuff in like wilderness, but he has volunteered as an emt with the fire department so andrew's not wrong well he's in a if he wants to do that there's gonna be more like fires fighting fires out there is that what he wants to do or just rescue people off like good cliffs like girl scouts that didn't go in groups of three yeah just like rescue a group of people mostly guys and the one girl that doesn't want to jump of three? Yeah, just like rescue a group of people, mostly guys,

and the one girl that doesn't want to jump off the cliff. He wants to rescue her. Ah, yes. Okay, sweet. I'll see you this weekend, Avi. Did you know that, Girl Scouts, you should always go places in groups of three? Because then someone there is to stay there

with the victim or the person that's maybe injured, and then someone goes. So you always have two people in one place. And four is a brothel. I don't know why I remembered. Yeah, four will get you a citation you always have two people in one place. And four is a brothel. I don't know why I remembered. Yeah, four will get you a citation by Smokey the Bear on the woods. All right.

Next, Fathrex. All right. Here's another fun one from Justine on something you revealed this week. Hey, guys. It's Justine in Michigan. Just saw you guys when you were in Royal Oak. It was a great show. So I just listened about how your dad would freak out if the tiniest thing goes wrong, which actually made me think of my dad.

We literally nicknamed him WCS, worst case scenario, because he always jumps to the worst thing. If I came home and I was like, I have to tell you guys something, he would immediately respond with, you're pregnant. And I was like, no, I just got a bad grade on a test, but now I guess that doesn't seem so bad. So when I was 16, I drove to the mall to go shopping. I got this jean skirt at American Eagle.

It was considered a mini skirt back then, but it was still like mid five. So I came home and he saw what I bought and immediately took it from me, drove back the 30 minutes to the mall to return it. Basically, he thought if I wore that, I'd get pregnant. Yeah. Psycho. Anyways, just had to share that story. Love you guys. That's so funny.

Yeah. You know, again, men just thinking we're sluts. No offense to your sweet dad, but men are conditioned to just be. You're either a dumb slut or too smart. Yeah. Well, we're supposed to dress slutty to attract you when you want to read Getting To I Do. You realize you've got to put on skirts to attract a man,

and then they hate you for it when they can't fuck you. And that's not your dad thing. Or if they end up dating you and you keep wearing them, and you're like,'re like your dad thinks that men won't be able to resist you if you're wearing that skirt that's probably his reasoning not that you were some like you know trollop but at the same time there's some kind of implication that you want men to rape you if you are wearing that like the whole what was she wearing thing is obviously what people say in a cartoonish world, which is not really that far off from what people actually say. You sure you want to report that? That's a powerful family in these parts, like that kind of shit.

It is. It does. I have a new and I don't think this is a new theory, but I do have a theory that all of this stems from men thinking we're sluts being wanting us to be sluts, but only sluts for them. And the fact that if they can't fuck us exclusively, then they don't want us to be sexual at all. Yeah, they don't want you to have freedom to fuck who you are. Sorry, it fits in sliding scale

to men not being able to handle that you've had an ex-boyfriend or that you fucked other men. They know that you have. They can't hear about it because it's just too threatening to your egos. What is that? Why does it lead to legislation

that takes our ability to like control our own bodies? Why does it lead to that, Andrew? I know it's not your fault, but it's on the same continuum. Do you know what I mean? And it's not that women don't get jealous too, but we don't try to stop you from coming. What is it?

I don't know. As someone that can get jealous that do you agree with me final thought what do you think men taking away our right to abortion is about no i think that has to do with it i think it has to do with um i just don't think they want independent empowered women that can think for themselves and will probably vote against them because they're mostly men in government here Here's my reason why I don't think they want women to be empowered. Because if we all get together

and we really harness the strength of our sexuality, which is the thing they want us for and the thing they hate us for. Oh, you could take over the world. Monica Lewinsky, wearing a little bit of a short skirt, walking by the Oval Office, made a man give up every, risk losing everything that his whole career had built

to the number one position in the u.s government he put that on he put that at risk in the line of fire for a blow job or two what could women do well how much could women take over the world by just being a little bit more pointed and organized about how we use our sexuality and how we don't give it away, how we use it to get it. We could take over the world. That's why they don't want us to have our sexuality.

That's why they don't want us to ever feel like- And they want to keep people poor. They want to keep everyone poor. The more kids you have, the more poor you're going to be. That's how they look at it. Yeah. Which I find kind of

weird because i'm like then are they gonna are these kids gonna vote republican when they get older i i don't know no they're not gonna vote poor people don't vote oh it's so their vote is negligible like it doesn't they know poor people can't get off work to vote because they have to be in an amazon boxing facility for 100 hours a week. So poor people don't vote because they also don't have a good education. Because they live in communities where we don't let them have good educations. And they're working all the fucking time to make a wage that isn't even living. I was talking to my dad yesterday. Because my mom was like, you and I are getting out right before it gets really bad to my dad.

Because it's true. They are the perfect... For humanity, being born in the 50s was the best time ever because you're going to be gone before shit really starts getting funky. But they had to go through Vietnam and shit. My dad didn't get drafted.

I mean, there's always wars. No, no, I know. I'm just saying. Compared to the atrocities of even modern times and if we're going back further back in humanity being born in the 50s in the united states is the greatest thing that could have ever happened we're the luckiest i mean you and i being born in your 1963 and me in 1984 we are so lucky too

but i was in the womb for 17 years. Got fucking hot in there. I always think kids should stay in. I think kids should be in the womb until they're four or five. Think about that. But then I guess as a woman, that would suck to be pregnant for four years. Then you don't have to deal with the baby. It's not about the womb. This is kind of going again.

Last night at the game, the baseball game i went to with my family i hooked up forrest the baby to myself like we were almost going skydiving like he was in front of me and i was his instructor and it is so easy to have a baby like that where it's just attached to you and you don't have to hold it why doesn't every person carry a baby that way i really need to know and i understand it takes like a lot getting the baby i think if you fall on your stomach it's dead well if you fall all your weight's carrying a baby it's not a good thing either i mean i'm just saying that's what i think it is but i don't think that's what why they don't do it i think it's because they're like well you gotta put the baby in and you have to strap it in. There's gotta be a way that there is a thing,

an apparatus that you can wear where the baby can get in and out of it very quickly and you don't have to, like when I carry Mary in a satchel, carrying something even a slightly, like 10 pounds, becomes very cumbersome after a while. Oh my God.

I was walking around that game and I was invisible. I think about flying. I look over at people with babies when they fly. They can't nap. You got to be fucking awake the whole fucking time just with this baby. Why would you ever want one? Holy shit.

Last night at the baseball game, I went with my nephew and niece and other nephew. I was walking around the park. I got recognized a couple times. But then I put that baby on my body. And no fucking men looked at me. It was like I was invisible. Because they knew that I couldn't get fucked. It is insane how invisible you are when you have a baby on you.

Like I went from being recognized. You think less than being pregnant? Being pregnant, it's almost like sexual. Because you know that woman. Like she's not burdened by a baby yet. So as long as you don't see the baby's hand. She can make time to suck your dick still. There's not a baby under her tit.

Some women will suck your dick with the baby. Yeah, but it was weird. I really felt invisible when I was holding Poppy's hand. I had this baby wrapped on me, and no one looked at me. You can tell. And I looked cute. i was wearing short shorts long blonde hair like i i was wearing a tiny tank top with no bra but there's a baby in front of me there's no one looking at me and it was it just made me sad it made me sad that like as soon as they're like oh well someone already came in that i don't want it sorry this is a man hating episode but but don't hate all men.

It's just a lot of you. Any final thoughts from you? Oh, yeah. If you're going to. All right, guys. Don't be cut. Can I sing my song? Can I sing my song?

Can I sing my song? Yes. Can I sing my song? Can I sing my song? Can I sing my song? Yes. Can I sing my song? Yes. Okay, please. Jackson 5. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears

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