The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #241 Fight The Bubble

Episode Date: July 6, 2022

After a long weekend Nikki and Andrew share their activities. Nikki did too much but that did not include jumping off a cliff. Andrew binged old movies and went one step too far with something bulky in his pants. Nikki explains a new reason to hate fireworks, doesn't agree with pissing in a pool and doesn't mind a flaccid penis. You Heard It Here First; rudeness on dates, a balance test that tells how long you'll live, Nikki called it, Cameron Diaz "unretires" and Nikki clears the air on a sensational headline that pitted her against Kim Kardashian. Lots of silly Reddit Dumps including this great joke by comedian Austin Lonnenberg. In the Final Thought Nikki tells a story from her 4th of July about an outburst she had at a restaurant.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

John Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, We're off. It feels like we were on a really long break for some reason. I can't believe we did. Did we do four shows last week?

Did we do a Thursday show? I don't even remember. That's how long it feels. It feels so long ago, though. But it's good to be back. I had a really good break. How was your guys? Andrew, let's start with you.

How was your July 4th? Great break. Staycation. We had like, I don't know. I feel like there's so much pressure to do something when you have four days off. Everyone's like, what are you going to do? Where are you going to go?

You want to come to my sister-in-law's pool party? And we're like, we really don't want to do anything. Did everyone have Friday off? A lot of people did. They did. Okay. A lot of people travel. You traveled.

Yes. We were going to maybe go to Chicago, maybe Charleston. We stayed here. And it was fun. I mean, it was pretty Charleston. We stayed here. It was fun. I mean, it was pretty chill. I shit my pants. Everything was great. Okay, back up.

What's up? What happened? You were going to go to Charleston? Is that what I heard? Yeah, and I just shit my pants. Okay, but you didn't go to Charleston. No, surprisingly, no. But I did shit my pants.

I think that is called a Charleston. A Charleston chew came out of my ass. Oh, my God. Why did you shit your pants? it's like whatever. I think that is called a Charleston. It's a Charleston chew came out of my ass. Oh my God. Why did you shit your pants? What happened? Charleston poo. Hey yo,

come on now. Oh God, he's squirting Gatorade in his mouth. What is this Gatorade bottle with the Chiefs logo on it? Do you remember these? No.

I mean, yes I do. Like during the game, I'm bringing it back. They gave me a free one with a Gatorade. Who's they? Huh?

Who's they? They? Yeah. The Gatorade. Who's they? Huh? Who's they? They? Yeah. The Gatorade. You get a deal. You buy like 19 Gatorades. They give you this for free. I didn't even know.

It has the Kansas City Chiefs logo. Yeah. I don't know what that's about. I mean, here. I guess St. Louis doesn't have a football team. That's a good point. So that's the closest one. All right.

How did you shit your pants? Dude, there's this show called Summer I Feel Pretty and I was- Summer I Feel, the Summer I Feel Pretty. You said this show was called Summer I Feel Pretty as in it was a name of a girl,

comma. Yeah. And someone telling her I feel pretty. I have only read the name of this show one time. Uh-huh.

And I already know that it is not that. What is it? You watched this show, no? Just five episodes, yes. Okay. The Summer I Felt Pretty, I believe is what it's called. And I swear to God, maybe I read it twice and it was just like, you know, really fast. You're verbal.

I'm audio. You called it Summer I Feel Pretty. Yes. Okay. So you're watching the show called Summer I Feel Pretty. Yes. Okay, so you're watching this show called Summer, I Feel Pretty. Yes, it's the prequel. When you said that, were you thinking? No.

Oh, okay. You were just talking. I was just talking. Okay. Shit was coming out of my mouth. So I'm watching this. I'm crying. This show's-

Deeply moving. Terrible. Oh, you're crying. But I am crying. It's one of those shows are you crying five episodes in two episodes episode okay it's about mother sick mother cancer mother i apply it to myself it got me good two brothers fighting over it god chris was just telling this weekend about he had a um an ex who lost her dad and was like you know went at a young age and went through you know this was like early like you know years and years and years ago and and so unexpectedly lost her dad was terrible she was just coming out of like coming out of it and ready to like date again and kind of like spend time and he was like let's do like a movie night

and he picked a movie and that he had seen before and he did not my two dads what movie was it it was some oh it was big fish okay and he he had seen it but he did not think about yeah and as he's watching it he starts to realize it's about a father's passing

and he is trying like he's just scrambling to come up with any way to abort this movie because it's going to trigger. And it got us on the conversation this weekend of just like, have you ever been in a thing in your relationship going through something that's really fraught that maybe you guys fought about but haven't really healed over?

It could be infidelity, and that is everywhere on TV and movies, to avoid music with infidelity or betrayal. And when it comes up in a tv show or movie that you're watching with a person the awkwardness of just both you not acknowledging it like everyone experiences that i would love a bestie to write in with a specific example because i can't come up with one now but or a fan threx in with one um anyway so that just got me thinking about it but it's sometimes's pretty nice, especially if you have pent up feelings

about your mom being sick. It's nice to just get it out. And a little bit more came out than just tears, I guess. You cried so hard you shit your pants. I have PT shit, D. No, so I was crying. We were eating chicken salad in bed i'm crying brenda's crying yeah we're both crying um i but i'm laughing about it mid-tears i don't feel like ashamed about it but it's a lot of tears like more than usual oh my god and the show is like

a watered-down oc just like the shit in my pants. Okay. So anyway, so I end up, I kind of want to get outside because we watch like seven, you know when you sit in bed. Oh, it's all day? All day. Oh, you weren't. Marathon. This is during the night.

No, this is during the day. All day marathon. And it's like nice outside. It's nice outside. I want to get outside. I already hit golf balls early that morning, but I kind of want to get outside and hit golf balls again. I asked Brenna to go. She didn't want to go. So I'm like, you know what? I'm still going to go. That's all you can get outside. I already hit golf balls early that morning, but I kind of want to get outside and hit golf balls again. I asked Brenda to go.

She didn't want to go. So I'm like, you know what? I'm still going to go. That's all you can do outside. That's pretty much it. That and eat a Frisbee. I don't know what else to do out there. What else do you do out there?

I don't know. I can't just lay on a lawn chair. Sure. I can't. Well, it's too hot for even that. You're not wrong. It's almost too hot to go outside. So go on.

So I'm walking out. I'm kind of like defiant. Like I'm going to hit balls whether you like it or not you said the summer i feel pretty summer i feel pretty this summer or whatever you called it sounded exactly like you were reading about you were talking about the david sedaris book me talk pretty one day yeah yeah yeah it's it sounds like a you know uh like a computer trying to speak english although they do it better yeah yeah well they're good at chess have you ever played chess against a computer they're good i wouldn't even play checkers i would play connect more it's like an ai thing yeah um so i'm walking away i'm kind of defiant i'm like i'm gonna go balls. I get in the elevator.

I go to fart and it's a little wet. Wait, hold on. Yeah. You go to fart in the elevator. Yeah. I know that's bad. The greatest place to fart. Like I farted in the elevator today, but let me just say it was already, the guy got off

on three and I go up to 12 and I know that no one gets on between three and 12 ever in the history of me living here. So I farted, and it was the tiniest toot that I knew that by the time it goes up to 12 and goes back down to the lobby, there's not going to be a lingering smell. So I do do that. Do do. So you let out a fart on the third floor. Okay. In fairness, I think I got ahead of myself. I farted before I got in the elevator.

Okay. Just before. Okay. It's a little wet, but I don't want to go back. I'm almost in denial because here I am being defiant. I'm going to go to golf balls. And then what are you going to tell Brenna? I know.

If you go back. I know. I forgot to change my pants. So I go down. This is bad. I go downstairs and I'm like, A, I'm almost in denial that it happened. I don't think it's that bad where I really don't know if it happened. Yeah, it just felt like a hot breath that could be wet or yes.

Yeah, like a Rottweiler's mouth. Okay. And so I get in the car. Or no, I don't get in the car. I'm walking towards the car and I'm like, how? And even if I did shit my pants, I almost was in the mindset where I'm going to still go hit balls with shit in my pants. Does the chicken salad weigh into this? Sure.

Were you depressed this weekend or something? Why would you still hit golf balls with shit in your pants? Oh, I don't know. I mean. Self-care is plummeting. Well, it's okay. Okay. So you're okay?

Yeah, I'm good. Okay. I'm good. So I end up, I want to check to see if I shit my pants. Sure. Stick a finger. No, I didn't go finger. I had a towel.

But this is all on camera. I'm parked in future parking, too, because I was figuring I was leaving. Oh, you were parked in? Future. So there's definitely a camera out there. Do you think our listeners know what future parking means? And by the way, it is not future parking. Future citizen parking. Yeah, okay. Do you think they know what that means?

Okay, so there's a place where you can park if you want to check out an apartment or if you're visiting someone. Yeah, it says like future citizen of this building parking. Yes. Yes. So. And it's like right in the front.

There's like five spaces for this kind of parking. Yeah. And it's definitely cameras. There are so many cameras. It's like out in the open. Yeah. Yeah. It's like you pull in and there's no garage.

It is. I mean, you can see outside. It's just a slightly covered garage. Okay. Oh, my God. That's a good setup. I cannot believe it. So I grab a towel and I okay oh my god that's a good setup so i grab a towel and i'm like i should from where the backseat of my car now i should get all the way

into my car but i'm kind of frazzled and i just put my ass in my car are you still crying at this moment i should be okay i mean you told brenna about all this right immediately so i well first i i checked the towel but i'm like halfway in my car so whoever's watching this it's like a charlie chaplin movie or whatever like i'm in black and white checking to see if i shit myself with a towel with half my ass in my own car how are you checking are you putting it down the front or through the side like i pull my pants down. What? Andrew, this is in the public. So my dick is probably off.

How far down? Did you cover your penis? I don't know. I was so, I was like in it. Man, what is going on? So then I checked the towel. Shit on the towel. Why don't you just check your pants?

Because I was wearing black underwear. Wouldn't you see brown? I go upstairs. I'm defeated. I'm like five minutes, and I just go upstairs. I'm like, hey, what's up? She's like, what are you doing back? I was like, ah, just, you know, I didn't really feel like hitting.

She's like, no, really, what happened? She could tell in my face. She goes, did you? Right away. I swear to God, first thing, she goes, you shit your pants? And I was like. Wait, how does she know? I't know she's like the whisper the poop whisper did you change your pants no not yet so you were just lingering yeah did she smell it no she just could sense it what were you doing were you just like standing like no but i mean no no i don't know i think she knew how uncomfortable i was yes and i couldn't

i just wasn't moving around. And she's like, you shit your pants? And I was like. She goes, I want to see. I was like, I'm not going to show you. How much? That's what she was doing. I was like, I'm not.

This isn't like a fun thing. Like, I kind of want to just get this over with. She's like, yeah, but I kind of want to see how much it is. And I go, Brenna, this is not like a joke. Like, can I just have some space? I'm in in the living room why didn't you go in the bathroom because i want to throw the stuff into the into the washer right away oh yeah and she's just like i don't want that shit in my wash but it's not that much shit though okay so anyways long story short we talk about we laugh about it she's actually did you wipe your butt did you go like clean it i went right in the shower okay uh then brenna tells me a story about

an just one quick anecdote but she told me a story about how she was running cross country and she pooped her pants and she said she was wearing shorts where you know how like they have there's lining so there's nowhere for the poop to go and her first thought was this what is this what balls feel having balls feel like oh just like having a round like the weight yeah that's so funny because it must be it's not the guys don't know their balls aren't i would know if shit maybe because it's a different confused how brunette pooped and it was like a whole poop as opposed to like if you shit your pants when you're running it's usually different... Wait, I'm confused how Brenna pooped and it was like a whole poop as opposed to like... If you shit your pants when you're running, it's usually like diarrheal.

I know. It was like little logs. That's so funny. She just said it felt like that's what balls feel like. Anyhow, that was... So that was my weekend pretty much in a nutshell.

Oh, my God. And then, wait a second. Didn't you go on some dates? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I went on... Have you ever been on a double date with chris and like a random like a couple yeah but like people you don't even why would you go on a date with people you don't know i don't know how does that even happen so i you know new friends so okay so like i met this

guy playing golf through another guy he's a lawyer here in town he's funny i really enjoy playing with him he's a member someplace so i get to play a nice golf course. And he has a girlfriend, and he's like, I think your girlfriend would like my girlfriend. I'm like, okay, I guess. And then we show up, and they look alike. It's like, whatever. And I was like, all right. But when you go on these where everyone's new, it's a date. You have to interview each other, and you have to be on and you find out

everything about each other not to like sleep with each other or date anyone just to like it's a lot yes and uh we end up having a blast we you know we had a lot of shit in common everyone we went to a couple different breweries which was fun like we had like kind of like a day drinking kind of thing there was like some bar with a swing. That's kind of cool. I got recognized by a guy that looked exactly like me. I think all my fans look exactly like me. Yes. And anyway, so it was a lot of fun.

Then the next day we did exactly the same thing with a different couple. And by the end of that, it's a lot. I mean, you don't really have too many new friends but i love doing that honestly because chris and i are great when we're like when we're around other people we're like the best version of ourselves because you're on a date you're like on a date we really are like we are great with we traveled on thursday or Friday, sorry, to, I went up to the Adirondacks and near Lake Placid in Keene, New York. And we had to go to Chicago, then to Albany. And we traveled with his friend, Jack,

who was visiting from Australia and he was visiting him in St. Louis. And so we left St. Louis with Jack and it was like the most fun travel day because we had this third person holding us accountable to not slip into a fight, not slip into, just made us like more it just kept us in check kind of makes sense like charming and fun like the mormons kind of might have it right by just you need another person there no the mormons well because if you it's another person who doesn't know the intricacies

of your relationship and you don't want to bog them down with like any kind of bullshit that you might slip into yes you need doesn't mean you don't slip into it where you just go like in the back seat like you grab each other go hey is everything okay are you mad at me that kind of thing where you like mouth like hey i didn't mean anything by that or like you're so jokey in front of Jack or this couple where you'll maybe like rub a little too. Like you'll be too. Yes. You'll like admit something about the other person.

And the person's like. No, that's like. That's our thing. That's not a Jack thing. Yes. Yes. Oh my gosh, so much. Yes.

But you had a blast. I mean, it looked amazing. My trip was awesome. It was just me me chris his brother current who owns a diner up there and that's where we were staying he owns a diner he doesn't own it he's like he may operates it manages it but he's like i'm sure partial owner at this point but yeah and and he has airbnbs above the diner in this beautiful like i, we're in the Adirondacks. It was like, it was insanely gorgeous. And,

um, like, you know, 20 minutes from Lake Placid. And, uh, yeah, we just hung out.

It was just us four. And it was such a good group because you stayed above the diner. Yeah. And we all stayed together. Yeah. We just were, it was just so much fun. And we,

um, we did outdoor stuff, but not too much. No, hell no. Hell fucking no saralina my friend had jumped off that before and got such a huge like welt on her like i didn't do anything dangerous i was very like angry about the idea of doing anything dangerous i water skied i

um swam i uh jumped you know i went infalls. You did a good amount of shit though. I did a ton of stuff. I think that sometimes it gets in... Chris and Corinne have been there so many times. Jack's been there once. I've never been there. They want to show us the best time. What they don't understand

is that we got into a conversation later on where it was like Jack was having trouble. on where it was like, like Jack had, Jack was having trouble. Last time he was there, he couldn't get up on skis. And then this time it became like, you're going to do it. And Jack was like, we got into a conversation of like, sometimes like we don't want to do things. And that's like the end of it. It's not like we don't want to do it because we're like, I can't do it.

And I'm scared because I don't, it's like, I know that this is like something I'm not good at. And I don't want to do it. And I don't want to be pushed because then it becomes like come on you can do it and then if you even do it for one second people are like yay and then there's like a five-year-old who's doing so much better than you that no one's even reacting to that there's a bear on skis yeah it's just like we got into the conversation of like like it's really important for Chris and Curran sometimes to be like, we need to show you the best time. You need to face your fears. You need to be doing activities constantly. We need to go RVing.

We need to shoot guns. We need to do this. And sometimes I like a trip. I don't need to do those things. I want to read a book and then just lay down. Yes. It doesn't need to be back to the gills. And so in assessing the week,

it was like, they were like adding up all the things we did and they were like, it was pretty good. Like we got some stuff done and I'm like, it was so much.

I would not have wanted to do anything else. Like it was jam packed with things. Like I think that sometimes people when they're showing someone a place, they want to just fill the schedule. But I think people need to understand that people need breaks

and like downtime is okay. For sure. And then Chris was like, but I don't think you got to understand that people need breaks and like downtime is okay for sure and then Chris was like but I don't think you got enough alone time and I was like I don't need alone time yeah I just need like no no do things time like just sitting and like hanging out like watching a show for seven episodes

in bed yeah maybe somewhere in between somewhere in between let's go to break and we'll be right back. Andrew! Hello mountains, here I come trendy down the chimney John Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show

Ears Edition Podcast. The Daily Show Podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

And we're back. Yeah, I had a great time. But I get that so much because I'm going to Jackson Hole. Yes. And that's like a, you know. Fly fishing. Fly fishing. Skiing.

Skiing. Hiking. Skate shooting. Clim you know. Fly fishing. Fly fishing. Skiing. Skiing. Hiking. Skate shooting. Climbing mountains. Ice climbing. There's so many things you got to do because just sitting there. Yeah. I mean, that's not enough.

And so my sister-in-law sent me this like repelling, like people are like on a cliff. I'm like, I hate heights. I wrote them. I was honest was honest i was like i hate height i don't want to do this they're like come on and i was just like how many come ons do you have to say no to before you just go no yeah yeah before i'm on top of the mountain what's the difference between someone who because i've done it before where i go no i don't need to sing no it's and i really want to or something like that. How many times do you,

like I want to come up with a code for Chris where it's like, I really mean no. And then the other one being like, I can be convinced. There is, I don't blame people for pushing because sometimes you do need to be convinced and sometimes I do need to be, even on things where I go, I don't want to do it like when i do it sometimes i have a really good

time but there is something about in those situations where bubble at the end of it i go what do you mean bubble you're like oh could you hear that yes you've never heard a bubble throat i got it wait i wish you would have kept it. I tried to push through that. Sometimes people try to fight a bubble in your throat, and it's just like, dude, swallow. Yes, thank you, Nikki. I hate when people keep talking with it.

And they just sound like a, I don't know, like a frog in your throat. Diplomatic frog. Yeah. Yes. I'd vote for that guy. Yeah. He seems cool.

It's just, people just keep talking and you just go, it would take one second to go. I know, I was on a roll. It's so funny when people fight the bubble.

Sorry, I'll fight, I'll go. People do it all the time wonder what bubbles are in people's throats because it happens all the time i don't know what was going on back there yeah but it's hard to sometimes because i have the headphones on to connect to my throat yeah even though i could hear it yeah but i'm not connected so anyways have you do you get hung over ever no because i don't drink enough to get hung over these days wait so you don't drink you've never felt the effects oh no i have bad but not lately

but not in this time that you've been drinking again. You have not once been hungover? No, a little tired, but nothing. Wow. I'm not just saying that either. Dude, I used to get hungover as fuck. Do you feel drunk, though? Yeah, yeah, silly.

A little more laid back. A little laughing at nothing. Yes. Enjoying a swing at a bar. Yes. Just because it's a swing at a bar. Yes. Just because it's a fucking, we're swinging. Yeah, you get dumber. Yeah, just dumb as fuck.

Yeah, yeah. And just enjoying that. Yeah. Not thinking about my mom dying. Yes, yes. Until after four more drinks. And then it's all mom, all night long. Yeah, I'm like an American flag naked for some reason.

Did you see fireworks? I didn't see one firework. I saw a half a firework yesterday. Oh. Noah, did you see fireworks? We were just watching Love on the Spectrum. Yeah, we had some like in town, but I think they were just like neighborhood fireworks.

Yeah. I'm anti-fireworks now. It's like it causes so much trauma to animals not just pets obviously we know what it does to pets dogs are hiding under beds cats are hiding under beds but like birds in the woods newborn bunnies even mama bunnies like they're just explosions going off and it's so frightening to these animals and it causes them to run or like baby bunnies to run before their birds to get lost birds to fall out of trees like it's traumatic to the environment and i've heard veterans too it's like yeah yeah

it's so loud and i um this weekend we went to this amazing firework show that it was like it was the best firework show i'll ever see it was so close up you're like literally inside the firework but it felt felt that way it was so nuts um and before the firework started they did like a warning of like 10 minutes and they shot off a firework and it was still kind of light out and we were there for hours beforehand like having dinner and just hanging out so i was not expecting anything and i thought it was a mass shooting or a bomb going off like i just read too much about that stuff i'm too prepared and i really thought something was going to happen so chris at the very second this happened was taking a picture of me because we were talking about how like no one takes pictures candid pictures anymore we're always just like smiling and it's like not

anymore like ever and so he's taking a candid picture of me where I was just like staring. And then as he's taking the picture, the warning shot goes off, the warning firework. And I got so scared because I thought it was, I really thought it was a bomb going off. My mind was just not in firework mode yet. It was more in there's going to be a bomb mode because it was just a crowded event.

I don't know. I read about Columbine. You're probably reading about what happened at that in Chicago or Highland. No, this was two, three days ago. Oh, this is before that happened. Yeah, this was on Friday. So I take a picture.

He takes a picture and I go, oh my God, if that was a live, you know when you take live pictures and they have like a little moment where you like twitch in it. I was like, you probably would have caught me looking terrified and we watched it back and it is me just like this and then like and like my face is so scared it looks exactly like the face of something someone that is like

i literally thought i was what in a terrorist event and um and so then we took that footage and we made a bunch of like we made it into like a longer video. And I was going to post it and say, this is an American at a crowded event. Like the irony is I was at a fireworks show. And you can't even enjoy a fireworks show anymore because when you're at a crowded event in America, you think there's the possibility of getting shot in it. And so this is me. I was going to post, I had a whole draft written up that I was going to post because it's such a crazy photo because you see me go from totally fine to like,

oh my God, I'm going to die. The fear in my eyes is like that of a, I got to see myself in the most vulnerable state and then I'm about to post it and an alert comes through of like six dead in chicago and i'm just like what like and i go oh now i can't post it and then i realized you can't ever post anything about that there's always gonna be something that's like this is insensitive because it happens every fucking day tim chris's brother was two blocks away from that what they heard the

sirens they had just walked by all those places that had the windows blown out i mean they were they were right they were right there and then i know someone else who's from that area it's crazy that's it's like uh yeah yeah a lot of people are trying to link it to chicago violence like they love that fucking chicago it's chicago and it's 30 minutes north of chicago in like a very wealthy neighborhood. That's nothing like what the violence usually is. They like to link those things. Well, I don't like that they don't link the things because it is all the same.

Black kids getting shot in inner city Chicago is the same as white people getting shot in the suburbs. I get that. So to differentiate, because I saw a thing that was like shooting an affluent Chicago, and it's like, why do we need to know that? Why is this different? And this deserves more attention. Because six people are getting shot in Chicago every day, at least. I guarantee

it. Yeah, I don't think it deserves more attention, but I think it's a common thing that people say that are supporting guns. Like, oh, well, there's strict laws in Chicago. There are? Yeah.

It's like the strictest state. And people bring guns over from Indiana. Oh. Like, that's the whole thing. Yeah, there's not like checkpoints at the state lines. No. Do people think there are? Only for abortion now.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. So, you got a gun? That's fine. Come on in. Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah, dude. The live live that's so funny you mentioned a live video because you didn't know remember when i sent that live to my

little brother and i yeah what were you showing him like your i was showing him my body like a before because we were gonna have a contest and i just blocked out my penis but it was alive so when he plushed on it, the box disappeared. And he was showing my sister-in-law. So she saw. And my dick wasn't. It wasn't show dick. Yeah.

And so she saw. Brenna said something funny to me. She grabbed my penis today. And she's like, wow, you know, it's amazing how much dicks grow. It is. I know, but it's kind of a backwards way of saying your dick's so small. Yeah, your dick looks small when it's flaccid. But don't you know that it does?

Yeah, I know, but it's just funny. It's like a backwards way of saying your dick's small. But it also is like it looks so big when it's not. Yeah, yeah. I love flaccid penises so much. I love them. What, do you like pulling on them? They're just like ooey gooey.

They're like little toys. They're like little... I got some little lizards for my niece and nephew in upstate that are just like this consistency I love and I realize it's like a flaccid penis consistency. I just like to squish them.

I know who would love this. Yeah, get them ready. Yeah, I just like... What's those squishy things that you could never grab? Yes, those are like practicing hand jobs for kids. You put your finger in the middle of it? Yeah.

Wait a second. This was confirmed by two boys yesterday. There was I love those things. Did you listen? Wait a second. This was confirmed by two boys yesterday. There was an old wives tale that if you ever peed in a river, fish could use the stream of pee to swim up your pee hole. I don't know. Two boys. I heard that when I was young. You did?

Yeah. What is that? I think it's just like a tall tale. To discourage peeing in rivers? I mean, that seems like a thing. Maybe peeing in pools. Do you pee in pools, by the way? Be honest.

I have, for sure. I mean, not as a child, as an adult. I'm a little worried about turning purple. Like, that's like a thing. Well, that is a child's fear. That's a child's fear, and that doesn't happen. No. That doesn't happen.

There's nothing that does that. I've peed in plenty ofed him but would you pee in a pool right now today i was shocked to find out when i went when i was on bird's trip last weekend how many of them i was with um shane gillis and uh mark normand and both of them admit because i was like i gotta pee where do you think the bathroom is? And they're like, go in the pool. And I go, what? Ew. You're an adult. And they're like, there was probably 50 people in this pool.

And they go, they both were like, I've peed twice since we've been here. And I'm like, what? Are you kidding me? And they're like, yeah, that's what you do. And I'm like, I cannot. I did not know that. I thought maybe some really gross adults would. But the average adult.

They're all pissing. Yeah, it's all piss. Come on, guys. Grow up. Do not go pee in a pool, you fucking adult. And I did pee in the pool because I go, what the fuck? I guess I'm going to do it. But it was so disgusting and I will not do it again.

Will you grow up? Do not pee in a hot tub and pee in a pool. Get out of the fucking pool. That is really disgusting. Yeah. You're not a child. Sure. When you're a child, you piss in a pool. Get out of the fucking pool. That is really disgusting. You're not a child. When you're a child, you piss in the pool. Stop it.

This is ridiculous. I think it depends on where the toilet, how close the toilet is. No, it does not depend on that. That is a public space and you don't pee. And I know there's chemicals to make it go away, but it's still disgusting. And you know that the smell of chlorine only smells like chlorine if it's activated by piss.

Chlorine by itself with no activation of piss has no scent. So if you smell chlorine, it's because it's being activated by pee. And there's 100% pee in there. Interesting. Not 100% pee. But you can smell chlorine when you're pouring it.

100% chance there's pee. If you're pouring chlorine into the pool, you can smell chlorine before. No, no, you don't. It's scentless. I swear to God. Have you ever smelled chlorine into the pool, you can smell chlorine before. No, you don't. It's scentless. I swear to God. Have you ever smelled chlorine? Yeah.

I'm from Florida. I know chlorine. Chlorine only smells when it's activated by piss. You can't smell it before. You really can't. I promise you. No, look it up. I have the chlorine tablets.

No, I smell them weekly. Wait, I'm looking this up. Hold on. Okay, maybe this is the thing. Maybe once the chlorine goes in the water, you don't smell it until it's activated. But before it goes in the water, you can smell it. Yeah, you don't really smell it in the water

unless that's like an over-chlorinated pool. Okay, the average backyard swimming pool could have about two gallons of urine in it. You know that sharp odor of chlorine from the swimming pool you can recall from the earliest childhood? It turns out it's not just chlorine, but a potent brew of chemicals that form when chlorine meets sweat,

body oils, and urine. But I guess what me and Noah are saying is that it smells before. What actually causes the distinctive irritating smell around swimming pools is not chlorine, that's an urban myth,

but volatile substances known as... uh fuck where is it again fuck chloramines chloramines form in pool water when chlorine combines with contaminants brought into the pool by swimmers think urine perspiration body oils and cosmetics the truth is that cleaner swimming not less chlorine can help reduce the chloramine irritants that cause swimmer red eye and itchy skin. So maybe it has a smell, but the smell that you notice as pool smell is piss. Piss and chlorine. So a pool that you think, oh, that's a clean pool that has a lot of chemicals really doing its job.

No, that means it's activated. Dude, a Vegas pool probably has 3,000 tons of fucking, or whatever, liters of piss, where you sit down and you play and you gamble. I just, I couldn't. And then when I finally did it, because I wanted to see if I could do it. How'd that feel? It felt so wrong. Oh.

Peeing in the ocean, peeing in a lake, peeing in a river, I mean, even that feels kind of wrong, because sometimes I feel like a swamp monster will be like, oh, I love pee and be attracted to it for some reason. I always feel like an alligator. I was in Lake Placid, so I thought that big old alligator from the movie.

I do get scared sometimes pissing in the ocean where I think it'll trigger a shark to be like, hey. What's this? Yeah, what's this? Yes, because they can smell. Well, blood is their thing, and I'm sure.

Yeah, blood is their thing. I know, and I was bleeding this weekend, too. Oh, really? Yeah. But you weren't in the ocean, were you? No, I was in the lake, but there was that movie Lake Placid about that big old fucking crocodile.

Oh, shit. Yeah, I was scared. I was scared. You were scared? I was scared just in a lake, when I know it's just big old strapped bass and catfish that don't want to bite a human. I was still scared.

If girls had surf, I wonder if they probably get more scared. No, I don't think so. Okay, let's get to the news. You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. Oh, if you're a surfer out there and you're bleeding out your puss, let us know about it. I hope you're having all the swells.

It's Tuesday, folks. You know what that means. It is Tuesday. Back to you, Noah. Back to you, Andrew. Back and back to you. And back to you. Wait, what?

I'm just kidding. Oh. I was like, wait, what did he forget to do? Is a back to you off? I just wanted to see what, yeah. I just wanted to see what would happen. What would happen? All right kept the fashion show on the back. I'd send it back.

All right. Over to Nikki. You know what? Very important news. Okay. A fashion influencer says her date disappeared into his room for 45 minutes, prompting her to go on TikTok and ask, can you be stood up at their own house?

Like he went in there. Like he went in there and it's been 45 minutes of silence. One response said he was in his room waiting for her. And when she finally went to look in a follow-up video, she revealed that he was in fact waiting for her naked on his bed, seemingly hoping to have sex. When asked whether or not her dates

trick worked she replied yes but no but yes kind of what 45 minutes come on that is an exaggeration i bet it was four to five minutes yeah that's too long that's a long time to that's i mean i got to not go hey come in here like yeah it's, maybe he feels like it's less aggressive to just lay there and she had to come into the door. But like hear your date going on TikTok and asking? Because like the room was right, like the door was right there in the photo. I wonder how long, how quick he got naked in there. Like was he, was it 40 minutes ago? You know what I mean?

And what did he say he was going to do? Like, did he just go right in there as soon as they got home that is bold and i hate that it worked because it totally did her being like no but yes but no but yes yeah welcome to tic tac well one time i went on a date and i had this i talked about it on in the u-up days there's a um youtube video of it of my worst raya date and it's so funny because a girl that was on the bert kreischer trip carter cruz um dj carter cruz she told me she dm'd me the other day and was like hey i'm hanging out with this guy i used to hook up with who went on a date with you and said that you like roasted him on a show and i was like is his name dave

she was like yes and i was like i did think he was really cute but it was so weird because we yeah we went over i went over to his place during the day we were just gonna smoke weed and hang out yeah but i thought it was a fake phone call and he gets on the phone and my question to my friends kind of like the version of tiktok that the girl did was I wrote to all my friends, how long do you let a guy be on the phone when you're on a date over at his place before you leave, before you voluntarily leave? 10 minutes. Yeah. So I think it was around the eight minute mark when I asked.

And then it went to, you know, it kept going. And he kind of was looking at me like, sorry. And then, and that's when like, you got to go watch the video, but it was just so insane. And he claims that it was not a fake phone call that he did not call his friends to all come over and then just create this kind of flash mob of roommates coming over, blasting maroon five, none of them talking to me or acknowledging me,

all of them on FaceTime, like, or influencing in some way, like shooting a video. It was so weird. It was so weird. It was, I wish,

I wish so badly. It feels like an episode of Punk. That's what it feels like. That's what it felt like to me too. It was terrible. But yeah, apparently that guy is still out there and he's upset that I roasted him or whatever.

But I'll maintain that he was very cute, very nice. And I was at the point in the date but did it make you want him a little bit more because he was doing that 100 no i'm so mad because i can't take that level of disrespect i will like this is the difference between me and that tiktok girl i at this point in my life was a 34 or five year old woman and i had enough respect for myself where it was like if you don't like me or you do something that is so mean or like weird or dismissive it's not gonna make me like you more yeah 25 year old me maybe that would have made me like them more you would have

been naked waiting in his bed like are you done with the call we were out by his pool just having a great conversation yes so weird and i remember on that date like i was a little apprehensive because i remember that yeah i was scared that you know he was gonna expect me to have sex with him because it's going over to his house and everyone was like oh you went to his house like that means you want to have sex i'm like no it just means like i didn't want to go fake have coffee like i just wanted to he we both smoke weed we're gonna talk and i'm very good and not that you. I'm very good at setting a boundary of like, we are not. There's no hanky-panky going on. Right?

Like, we were just like very. It was friendly. Yeah. But I remember being by the pool and like being like, oh, I would kiss him if he tried. Like having that moment of like, I'm ready. And then ring, ring, ring, ring, ring. I got to take this. And I'm like, it was just.

The story reminds me too of I watched something about Mary last night again that movie is so fucking funny but when he gets his dick stuck in the zipper remember like the first one of the first scenes he's in high school and he sees her

and he tries to put his pants up real quick and his balls get stuck in his zipper is he watching her from like the street yeah from the bathroom is he watching her from like the street? Yeah, from the bathroom. He's watching her. Oh. And he's stuck in the bathroom for 45 minutes. Oh, the prom date?

And they don't know why he's in there. Oh, that makes me so sad. The dad goes in. The dad brings in the mom. A cop shows up through the window and then a firefighter comes. Yeah, that movie is great. Okay, let's go to the next story. Boom, boom, boom. Bam. Yeah, that movie is great. Okay, let's go to the next story.

Boom, boom, boom. Bam. Middle-aged people who are unable to stand on one leg for 10 seconds are almost twice as likely to die within the next decade, according to new research. This is... Okay, how so? It was on the Good News Network, so... Here, let's do it.

Let me see. It has to do with... Sorry. It has to do with obesity. Participants were asked to stand on one leg for 10 seconds without any additional support. They were asked to place the front of their free foot on the back of the opposite lower leg while keeping their arms straight by their sides and their gaze fixed straight ahead. All right, Andrew, you're going to live. Yeah, I got something. Okay, you're not going to die in 10 years.

That's the first time. You could do it, definitely. I mean, it's like a yoga move. I have bunions, so I'm a little rocky. Yeah. So basically, the point is, unlike aerobic fitness. Well, can you do it with the other leg? Maybe the other leg might be tougher. Wow nice.

Yeah. This is about obesity right? I mean this feels like fat shamey. No no no it says unlike aerobic fitness muscle strength and flexibility balance tends to be reasonably well preserved until the sixth decade of life when it starts to wane

relatively rapidly. It's more about like not not um not using balance in like you know uh exercises and stuff like that like only focusing on muscle and strength and stuff and not balance that's why i go to a guy called balanced body because it's all about like you know on your your feet like when you're walking or when you're standing your your feet are a tripod like the the front part of your foot is like the two sides of your your big toe and your you know not your toe but like your the pad of your front foot is the two point and then your heel is the the back point so it's like a tripod and you should always be evenly dispersed

between those points. And yeah, it's all about balance. Like right now I'm sitting, I'm, you know. I'm so unbalanced. I mean, I'm- Like my left buttock is atrophied and my right is very strong

and I have to start shifting the way I sit and like doing everything different so I can balance and I have to start shifting the way i sit and like doing everything different so i can balance and i have to start being a banana i always be a banana and i have to start like tucking in my my hips when you keep saying banana with the yellow behind you with your blonde hair i really i see a banana i am a banana like i really it's kind of a cool fruit to be you know when they're like are you apple shaped or pear shaped? I'm like, oh, God, those suck. I want to be a banana. Yeah, be a banana.

I am. What am I then, a plum? Blueberry. Because you're wearing blue today. Wait, what happened to your hair? What's going on? I just got a haircut. And what about your mustache?

I trimmed it. I was going to keep the mustache. Brenna wanted the mustache yesterday, and I went too short with the clipper. Clippers, and so you had to take it all off. Yeah. But it's kind of longer than the rest of your hair. I know. So how did you do that?

Well, I clipped this. Yeah, you clipped it as a beard. I went to shorten the mustache for her, and I went too far. And then she shaved my back. The mustache is there, but it's not as thick. Yes. So how did you do that? It's a longer as thick. Yes. So how did you do that?

It's a longer clipper. Oh. So it's just the same amount of, it's the same, you have hair. They're just shorter hairs than they would be if they were a full mustache. Yes. No, on, okay, gotcha, gotcha. Okay, next news story. She shaved my back.

I've never done that. Oh, whoa. Why did she do that? I felt pretty vulnerable to let a woman shave your back. Yeah, just to not sink. But why? Really? I don't know. She just asked.

We were already just trimming it up. I got my back waxed that one time, and now it's not a good experience. Why? Just hurt, and it got a rashy. Oh, shit. Yeah. All right. Next story.

All right. This is a story submitted by Besties last week. Nikki, you called it Cameron Diaz to unretire for a new movie with Jamie Foxx. We were just talking about something about Mary. I was annoyed by this. She's captivating, by the way. I guess she was not in a movie since 2014 or something. So that is a long time.

So I'll give her credit. so what were you annoyed about i'm annoyed by people saying they're gonna retire and then they come out of it it says shut up just go away you don't need to announce anything it's all for press now she got two stories out of it retiring and coming out of retirement two added added stories. Yeah, Tom Brady did that a few times. Well, it's funny that you say that, Andrew, because Jamie Foxx called Cameron Diaz, but he had Tom Brady on the line. Tom Brady did the announcement. And he had Tom Brady ask her to un-retire and to let her know what that's like.

This is all set up, but it's a good set up. Yeah. And she goes, oh my god, is this Tom Brady? And he goes, I was talking to Jamie and he said you needed a few tips on how to un-retire. I'm relatively successful at un-retiring. And then she

responded, honestly, exactly what I needed. Yes. All just the most unfunny interactions and dialogue I've ever heard in my life. She does have kids now? Yeah, she has with Benji. Yeah, from Good Charlotte.

Yeah. I don't think that, I think they maybe did a surrogacy or adoption or something. I don't remember seeing pictures of her pregnant, but I don't know. It doesn't matter. She has a mom. And she is so captivating. Yeah, I mean, she's great. Gorgeous.

I mean, she was the perfect person for the role of There's Something mary because she's just one of those girls that like every guy is obsessed with yes so good in the mask yeah she's gorgeous and seems really fun and nice the funnest person ever what matt dylan in that movie oh he's so funny i can't believe he didn't do more things i know i think they actually dated oh and really Dillon. I heard a rumor that her and Brett Favre had sex. He was on that movie. Oh, maybe. In the trailer. With his little green penis or something.

Didn't Brett Favre have a green penis? He played for Green Bay. But didn't his penis, when he sent it to that one girl, it was green or gray or something weird? It was, I swear. Maybe he painted it. There was something discolored about it. Maybe he had a little jersey on it. Did he have a jersey on?

No. Do you remember that he exposed himself? I remember he did have a dick pic out there. A dick pic. And it was, I think it was not hard. It was like weirdly. But what was I going to say about this? Oh, her coming back.

Yeah. It's all just press. Like I got pressed this weekend because I said Kim Kardashian's body is fake. Wasn't that a while ago you posted that? I did it a while ago, and I also did another one the other day. Oh, okay. Every time I see a picture of her, I'm just like, people need to know that this is not

achievable by diet and exercise because everyone thinks it is. And so when you do diet and exercise and your body won't look like that, you feel like a failure. And I said, it's not that I don't like her that you feel like a failure and so and i said i don't like it's not that i don't like her i do like her i'm not judging her i'm just saying there's more to the story and so i already got ahead of the things that anyone could be like you're mean nikki and so i got ahead of those things because i do actually like kim kardashian she said she would eat poop to stay young that is hilarious i love her they're pretty honest

though about getting surgery, aren't they, on their show? No, they're not. I thought they are. No, they say I don't have butt implants, but then they get butt injections. So they're like honest, but not telling the whole story. She's your rival, though.

Yeah, and then I got picked up by the Sun newspaper of being like, keeping up by the Sun newspaper being like, keeping up with the Kardashians, reality show rival, because of my billboard that they said skewered. Oh, yeah. They said my billboard that said, keeping up is so last year, skewered the Kardashians. And then they said, I slam Kim Kardashian.

There was no slamming whatsoever. I said I like her. I said I'm not judging her. There was no slamming whatsoever. I said I like her. I said I'm not judging her. There was no like, but, blah, blah. There was no but. I'm just saying. It reminds me of like, comedian destroys heckler.

It gets clicks. Yes. That's all it is. It's all clicks. Slams. But the thing is, usually the destroying a heckler is arguable. There was no argument of whether or

not i slammed her there was i said i like her in it and i said i'm not judging her i just want the truth out there was no slamming there was no i think i think in a world of fakeness any little thing is a slam you know what i mean that's like that's how they live because no one talks about it being like well my body looks like this and i haven't done any surgery and i'm like okay well can injections count did you say that no but that's what i want to say stop with this i didn't get surgery like that is okay let me just okay any work done okay any injections like anything that isn't diet and exercise to have your body look the way it does. If you got a BBL, a Brazilian butt lift

where they take fat from a different part of your body up from your waist, you can have a tiny little waist and a big ass. That is not natural. It's not diet and exercise. And you're lying by saying,

I didn't have surgery. Okay, well, you know what I meant. You know what I meant. The know what the surgery the surgery's not the issue it's just the lying of it the work the you paid a doctor to do something to your body that wasn't diet and exercise which you claim is natural that's the fuck no they don't claim they just say nothing about it and they tout their skincare lines or their you know you know not to mention the filter on top of it. Like, oh, and by the way, there's this other account where Megan Fox, I saw this, uh, Megan

Fox altered her already tiny size zero frame to be even tinier. Every Madison bear, whatever her name is, she does it. The Kardashians all do it. They're already size nothings. And then they go to, they, they, they alter it these accounts that how do they get caught how do they get caught because there's people that are taking pictures on the red carpet that have the actual photo and they go to get the image and then they compare it to the image that they posted so and it's and then they go back and forth between them and it goes in and out and the original photo is not bad

it's like why do these girls have to alter an already thin body? Stop it. Because it gets rewarded. It gets rewarded. No, you're lying to yourself and you're lying to other girls and you're making people feel bad about themselves, including you, including you, because you will get old and you will get fat, bitch. And I felt the same way when Jon Hamm put that extra thickness in his cock when he was

wearing those pants. The dick was not that big, Mickey. That would be hilarious if it went back and forth between tiny dick. Like he altered that. Yeah. All right, we've got to go to break. We'll come back with Reddit, Tom. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show,

which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews

and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, else like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines listen to the daily show ears edition on the iheart radio app apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts karaoke mode this is your Reddit, Dom. I really loved this tweet from white people Twitter from a person named 40seeks, C-E-E-K-S. Thank God pregnant 12-year-olds will no longer have to see a rainbow in their classroom while they're getting shot at. Jesus.

I love that so much. That's what people want to prevent. I don't want my child staring at a rainbow flag while they get shot at when she's pregnant oh my god how's this real life chris and i were talking and he was like the only thing they missed in there was like like rape and i go no it's a pregnant 12 year old it's probably rape they probably got that one too oh probably her uncle too why are feet this is from no stupid questions why are females nipples not allowed to be out in the same way men's are i've asked people i've googled i cannot find a legitimate answer have i missed some key different

aside from the fact that boobs slash female nipples provide some kind of service breastfeeding uh is the service even though i don't see why that would warrant hiding them if it was a sexual thing then plenty of people sexualize shirtless men and male pecs any religious motive would loop back around to the sexual aspect is there a genuine reason have i missed something um and then someone said this was the answer that i really liked hold on let me find it i think it's just a control when was in college, one of my anthropology professors shared the following story. He did research among indigenous people in Tanzania. One night he was in a local bar and they were showing some movie in the background where there were many unnecessary close-up shots of the female lead's breasts. No one was paying attention.

Suddenly, everybody in the bar got super excited and started paying close attention to the movie. There was nothing sexual at the moment that the professor could see. And he asked someone what was going on. They were suddenly excited about seeing the backs of women's knees in their culture. Women usually were topless and breasts were not a big deal, but for whatever reason, the backs of the women's knees,

which were usually covered were super sexy. So I would say that the belief that certain parts of a woman's body are sexy and need to be covered are very culturally specific. Interesting. The thing is, it does distract. I mean, I wasn't allowed to wear tank tops in middle school because we would distract boys from learning. I mean, I've been to Europe, though,

and you go to a pool, everyone's topless, like in Greece. And at first, I was a horny American. I was like, holy shit, tits are out. I swear to you, by the third day. It's just what's covered. I would never wear, I would never go topless because I would just feel, I don't like when men are horny around me or when men sexualize me when I don't want to be sexualized.

But they don't, you don't feel that. I don't even wear cleavage. I think after a while though. But I would want to get through day one and two. But they're going to feel horny about your legs. You show your legs. I know, that was interesting. And the back of the knees made me think of noah because she hates yeah yeah her back

of her knees being touched it's it is like a sexual it's an erogenous zone perhaps it is a place where people tickle it is but yeah it could be i hate that feeling it's like on the bone like on the ligament yes oh on the ligament like on the on that like tendon yes and we also have one like near our puss like over there that like bone oh that bump i can't have a finger on that is it because you're scared someone might cut it like in like pet cemetery like achilles is that it is a little bit of that reference but no it's reference, but no, it's just the sensation. I don't like that sensation, that kind of touch.

I just don't like it. This is crazy. I watched it. One person said, I watched a documentary once that was shown on broadcast television about a trans woman getting top surgery. While her bare chest and nipple

were shown uncensored through the first part of the documentary, the moment the surgeon inserted the silicone into the slot he cut into the woman's chest a sensor blur was added to cover up the exposed nipple so the second it got some meat on it it no good okay it's the breast size then yeah is it because there's so many guys because it's just too horny it makes people too horny um okay so this was i thought this was interesting this was from the subreddit science women's techniques for pleasure from anal touch results from a u.s probability sample of women ages 18 to 93 it says that um about a quarter of participate

about one-fourth of participants noted that they did not enjoy any form of touch inside the anus and one-third of women reported they found no pleasure in each specific touch technique so um so that means that some people like a fourth of women are going to find no anal touch good at all whereas wait, a fourth don't like any touch, whereas a third of women don't like one of three kinds of touches. So if you don't like anal sex, it could be because you just don't like it. Yeah. As opposed to what I thought, which is like you just didn't try it right yet.

So that was interesting to me, but that does mean three fourths of women would enjoy anal sex, a type of anal touching. Three quarters, that's a big percentage. Just wanna put that out there. I wanna know who started that study. I mean, I don't know. Like these studies always make me laugh.

Like some guys just like, I need us or a girl. All right. So, well, I mean, I think it's just a funny group to like get together. If you do any, if you know anything about,

you know, research on women's sexuality, there is none. There's no money for it. No one gives a fuck about our pleasure. That's why like no one knows what we really, there's no money in women's sexuality so i was excited that they even thought to like maybe we should figure this

out and see what women like um this is from stand-up comedy the subreddit that i follow where uh a lot of comics like upload their material and it's all comics i've never heard of but there are some really funny guys in here i found one guy this guy's name is austin lonenberg lonenberg l-o-n-e-e-b-e-r-g and this joke made me laugh so hard i loved it so much and i want to share it did you guys think uh anybody's ever thought of writing a second song for the bagpipes. Did you guys think about that? I wrote this joke so I did a little bagpipe research.

It's probably been around for 3,000 years. One song. That's cocky, that is. I'll end with it like, yeah, we built the pyramids about a month ago, and then we wrote a goddamn hit. Longest starting song of all time. That song's got a name, too. It's called Scotland the Brave. I don't think you need to name the song. I think you can just probably call it the Noise Bagpipes Man. I think that should be the title, or maybe the other title is, uh, Important White Event Is Happening. If you guys ever hear the bagpipes, look around.

Something important and white is going on. It could be anything no guarantees on what it is it could be like a high school graduation or it could be a cop's funeral yeah i've got one song for all white emotions we're covering them all with this one all right you guys are gonna blast uh i really like that that that's just an example of such a good joke that like, that is just sitting there waiting for anyone to discover that there really is, immediately you get it.

You know, there is, we all know the one song that a back play plays. It's funny too, because like the whole time I'm like, is there really only one song? Like part of me is like, there's gotta be another song. I mean, I'm sure there's other songs but like us i don't even know that song he's talking about either like i get it like i kind of know it but i can't can you hum it in your head i can't um like from braveheart yeah it's just like yeah i can't no i can't hum it i um but i i just really liked it yeah it's a

good joke all right uh next up let me see one second um oh my god that one oh um this was from um tiktok cringe which is just pretty much just good t videos. This was, I didn't send Noah this one because it's not necessary that you see the video, but it says man airdrops a picture of himself naked to all passengers on an airplane. Oh, yeah. She said, meet Larry. It's the TikTok voice. Meet Larry, who just airdropped a whole flight photos of his peepee. Thankfully, I accepted it, saw who was sending it it and immediately started speaking up stay tuned for

the police escort so there's this creepy guy in a plane that just airdropped his dick to a bunch of people but did he know what he was doing i think so why would you do that that's my only worry for that guy before the plane takes off or maybe it's once it landed yeah it's like having a conversation with the person next to you you only start it once the plane has landed. My only concern for that guy is that... He didn't understand it. Yeah, yeah. No, he did.

Look, my dad didn't know why in a group chat, Brenna's name wasn't in the group chat, that he had to put it in himself. I'm just saying that let's just say a world where this guy was just sending this dick to one other person. It's so pressing though to send a dick pic when you're on an airplane. Like why is it so urgent? I'm just saying that the guy made a mistake.

Well, he's not claiming that he made a mistake. He's just sitting there scared. Well, what happened with him? Did, is there a followup? Wait, let's see. Maybe there is. Thankfully I accepted it. Saw who was sending it and immediately started speaking up. maybe there is I don't like this woman's voice he is so gross

he has a mustache and he's like he's not going like I didn't know it's purposeful yeah that's a ballsy I've had people

air drop like sometimes on the train subway yep on the subway you get like people wanting to it guys love to expose themselves and like to have they love seeing your shocked face i used to have a joke that if a guy ever the best thing you can do to someone who shows their penis on the train is to look bored by it because they get off on you looking scared and frightened. Did, when he sent out, so you could do a thing, send to everyone on your phone? No, you can just press iPhone, you know, Mark's phone. Like, it shows up.

Yeah, yeah. All the phones that are willing to accept it. Jesus. I mean, what's your exit game here? Final thought. I think that people thought he could, he probably had his phone on iPhone, so he thought he couldn't trace it. But the girl saw his body and was able to find out who it was.

Oh, you think that's what you're getting at? Yeah, I think so. I mean, I wish I had the whole story. I know. I bet you there's maybe a follow-up on that TikTok, hopefully. Yeah. No, that sucks, man. I mean, the idea that just – i feel so bad for people with weird

fetishes i mean i i really do yeah well whatever gets you off that is just something so creepy i mean i have weird things that i've developed from my watching porn that i didn't expect to be into that are now a part of what turns me on and almost like a necessity for me to be as horny as possible are these new things that I didn't that were not born of just me being who I am and even if they were but they are they're culturally influenced or they're like it's just I'm I'm beholden and and now to certain toys too like i don't don't not travel with things if i want to have sex on the road or if i want to get off like i can't just rely on my hand anymore i can't just rely on i can't rely on my hand pretty much it sucks i i'm i need i need certain things i need if i want to masturbate i can can't. It's funny, if you bring a bag on,

you're like, it's got to be under 50 pounds, ma'am. You're like, all that's in here is underwear and 95 vibrators. I mean, that's why I don't carry on a lot of times because I'm so nervous that it's going to go. And it's not because I'm nervous that the TSA is going to, it's that other people are going to feel awkward for me. I don't care.

I really don't. And I would not be embarrassed. But the idea that other people would think I'm embarrassed is really don't. And I would not be embarrassed. But the idea that other people would think I'm embarrassed is annoying to me. And I swear that's it. Like, I don't get embarrassed about having vibrators or having like that's you saw my TV show, like vibrators underneath my bed. I have no shame about it. I think everyone should have them. But the idea that other people could be like, Oh, my God, she's so embarrassed is so annoying. It's just it makes me mad.

It doesn't make me embarrassed at all. I almost want you to do it just to go through it and just see what happens. Yeah. Like bring like a knife, a gun and then two vibrators. And I'm like, I masturbate with that knife. I'm into some really weird shit. I hold it to my throat. It's the only way to come. Yeah. Yeah.'s uh yeah it is interesting that to be more like afraid of other

people's embarrassment than the actual thing do you ever feel that way when people are like for sure you like it really annoys me when you would would get embarrassed about me picking up poop with mulch because you're be you're embarrassed for me you're like you're embarrassed of the fact that i'm should be in your because i sometimes get embarrassed for people where i'm like i can't watch people like nathan for you sometimes is one of my favorite shows but i can't watch it because it makes me feel so embarrassed for him or for the person he's tricking that i can't watch it. But I hate when people put that on me. And people do it all the time

because I talk about embarrassing things constantly. Like, oh, over the weekend, there was this, and I don't know why I was motivated to do this. We were dining out and we were in a booth and there was a booth right behind us. And I could hear, I was on the far side of the booth that was like, you know, these people were seated behind my friends across from me.

So across from me, behind them was this family. And they were like, his stand-up's pretty good. I mean, I like his, and I heard the word stand-up and I was like, shh, they're talking about stand-up. Who are they talking about? And then I heard one of them go, and he was in that Judd Apatow movie about Staten Island. I go, oh. Pete Davidson. Oh, they're talking about Pete Davidson.

And I said it loudly enough so that they could know that i heard and what i wanted them to know because then chris turned to me and goes why are you doing that why are you letting them know we can hear their conversation i'm like because i want them to know that they don't get to talk about celebrities in this bubble where those people aren't actual people. It like bugged me that they were talking about someone that very well could be seated behind them. Like it made me aware that people have, and I do the same thing too. I forget that people have feelings

and that actors or, you know, if Cameron Diaz heard this, I would be hurt that she thinks that I think she did that just for publicity. But I forget that Cameron Diaz could hear this. She does have podcast apps on her phone, I'm guessing. You know what I'm saying? And so I needed them to know like, hey, I heard what you're talking about.

And that's a person. And I could be best friends with that person or I could be that person. Yeah. But there's nothing part of you being like, I'm also a celebrity. No. Oh, no. But I mean, I have more compassion for a celebrity because I know that when they said stand up,

I'm like, oh, maybe they're talking about one of my friends. I didn't think they were talking about me. So what was the end of that conversation then? What happened? Then everyone at my table got embarrassed because I was being so, I was being obvious that I heard their conversation, but I wanted them to know,

first of all, you're being way too loud that I can even hear your conversation. You need to know that I heard their conversation, but I wanted them to know, first of all, you're being way too loud that I can even hear your conversation. You need to know that I've heard it. So maybe keep it to hush tones. Cause it's annoying how loud you're being. Were they saying anything bad, bad about them? Of course they were.

I mean, they were having a bunch of opinions about whether or not he was funny. And it was like, well, he could be sitting right here. So shut the fuck up. Even though I have opinions about people all the time that I think aren't listening.

I just wanted them to know. And everyone at my table was just like, why are you doing that? And I'm like, up even though i have opinions about people all the time that i think aren't listening i just wanted them to know and everyone at my table was just like why are you doing that and i'm like because i want them to know how loud they're being i liked it but my table was so embarrassed of me well because you were embarrassed of them yeah yeah i was embarrassed for anyone well you didn't like them being loud but then you were loud to show their loudness yeah to show it back at them because sometimes when i'm loud when i'm and someone goes hey we heard what you were saying i'm like oh my god i didn't realize i was being so loud and it makes me check myself but i found that a lot this weekend not a lot but a couple times this weekend where in public um my my friends and my fam or like i i found that a lot through my life people are

embarrassed of things that i do in public and it makes me just do them harder because i'm like it's so dumb that i'm not even embarrassed and you're embarrassed for me like what's the big what am i doing wrong i i would have friends that would constantly skip lines like oh no no and that would really no that's that's that's not embarrassing that's just cruel but i mean i'm just like like get into a bar like per se or like where people are waiting they're like no i'm just gonna take care of this same thing and they would do it and then i would just be like fuck dude i can't believe he did like that would for some reason i'd get very like self-conscious about it. Yeah, because I was breaking the rules. Yeah. I guess breaking social rules is one of the things I do.

Yeah, sometimes I do. But then other times I'm so free and loose and weird. When Mark and Shane and I were trying to go to a pool, we had to sneak in because they were all these apartment complexes. And we were walking in and Shane, Mark had jumped the fence, which I supported because there was no one to see it. And we weren't doing anything really wrong. But then Shane and I went through the front

and we encountered a security guard who goes, hey, do you guys live here? And I don't lie. And so I go, at the same time, Shane said yes. And I said, no. It was just like, he just goes, oh God. Like he was so displeased. And I was like, I'm sorry, I can't lie.

And he was like, come on. Just let me talk next. I don't forget what he said, but he was just like, I felt like such a pussy. I was like the worst Bonnie and Clyde. I was a bad Bonnie. Like that DJ Bad Bunny. Yeah, you could have just been like. Same with Amy. I remember one time Amy was going to my gym.

I was working at LA Fitness back in like 2007 and she was visiting Amy Schumer was visiting me in LA and she was like oh I want to go and we we walked in she was like just walk in like you usually do like I never would be like scan my card like if you're not stealing or if you're not doing something wrong you just do the thing yes but if you're wrong you you like look so guilty and i could not do it and when she walked in i just kind of like hesitated and i remember the front desk woman was like excuse me are you gonna scan your card and i was like um she's my guest and amy was just like what the hell nick like come on be cool and i was i couldn't do it i can't do that stuff yeah i don't

know what it is but if i'm not harming anyone by picking up shit, which is actually the nice thing to do, or I'm just letting these people know- No, but plenty of people were on your side about being like, well, at least she's picking up the shit still. Yeah. I get that.

But why is it embarrassing? Because I'm touching poop, possibly? Yeah, probably because you're touching shit. Yeah, probably it's that. And maybe, you know, I just shit my pants. Says a guy that shit his pants. I agree. And pulled him down.

I'm hypocritical i i do all kind of shit like that you know what i mean i don't know it's just like i i don't know what it is i think when when i see people going instead of leaning into that i kind of like feel there oh man see i do the other thing when i start to see and i go oh are you just so scared for me i'm the one that's embarrassed you shut the fuck up no i like that i like that maybe i'll try to apply that more no i don't i think it's like inborn and it's it's a sick it's a sick thing because i i think it's comes from actually being embarrassed but it goes the other way like i well the pete davidson thing

can be like you know a lot of people can talk shit about you. So then you take that on for him getting shit. Yeah. Like I'm someone that is that people think that they know just because they've seen on TV and they have opinions about. And I'm hypocritical because I think I know celebrities and can say whatever I want about them. And I get in trouble for it sometimes because those celebrities actually have serious exam or, you know, Instagram and they can read and see the things that you post. Dude, I got in trouble for talking shit about the barbershop I go to here in St. Louis. I walked in, and the owner of the bar... By the way, this was two years ago.

I kind of made fun of that. It's like one of those barbershops with naked women on the front, and they offer you a shot and some heroin before you get a trim. And it's just like, dude, can I just get a haircut? And they were like, oh, we heard you talk about us. So the owner was in there and she's all tatted up and you could tell no one talks back to her.

She comes off very alpha. And she goes, oh, this is the guy talking about my place on this big show. She was flattered. We gotta go, so I'm gonna sing us out. She goes, are you gonna keep talking bad? And I go, yeah, probably.

Like, I stood up to her in front of everyone. It felt really cool. I felt pretty cool there, because most of the time, I'd be like, no, I'm sorry. God, tattoos really do work. I'm gonna sing, because it's the end of the show. Kirsten bought us a bunch of fake tattoos for a girl's trip, and I put them all over my arm,

and every time I saw my reflection I was like that girl's cool and then it was me. So there's a part of me that wants to get a sleeve down my arm. Send a different message to the world that I'm a harm. That's the end. That's beautiful. You could just do your song.

Okay, thanks for listening guys. We will be here all week. We got two more shows ahead of us. Thank you so much for listening. I hope you had listening, guys. We will be here all week. We got two more shows ahead of us. Thank you so much for listening. I hope you had a great fourth. Don't be good. And Jack.

Jack. Firework. Frost. Jack Firework? That's not a thing. I think we're out, man. No, we're not out. There's so many more.

Maybe we start with a different letter. No. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight

straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.