The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #244 Landmines

Episode Date: July 12, 2022

Nikki and Andrew have polar opposite struggles, one wants less work and one wants more. It is what it is! Never say that about a vagina. Nikki talks about the first time she told her friends she didn't like hers. They talk about the NYC and Los Angeles comedy energies. Nikki makes an astute observation about body image issues we have during sex. You Heard It Here First: The Suicide Lifeline gets a new number in time for Nikki's HBO Comedy Special Good Clean Filth and babies are role models. In Top1 Bottom1 they talk about things you would find in a hotel room.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

John Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Nikki Hello, here I am It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast

Welcome to the show I'm in Los Angeles, California In my hotel room It is two hours later in St. Louis Where Andrew is Hello, Andrew Back to you. And Noah is in Arizona,

which I don't know what time zone you guys are on. Same. I'm in your time zone, baby. Hell yeah, girl. It's a nice place to be. I've been here since God. I don't even remember now. Thursday?

Friday. Wednesday? Thursday. Thursday. Yeah, Thursday because we had to pre-tape. Thursday. god i don't even remember now thursday friday wednesday thursday thursday yeah thursday because we had to pre-tape thursday yes that is what happened so much um so many good responses on last week's show shows with aria um my friend wow that was really nice to read all those and i sent her a lot of the dms i got and man you made someone's day by writing all those nice things so thank you guys so much it's always so nice to get your feedback on that stuff and um yeah i'm feeling a little grogged uh this morning but i'm waking up but i'm in like a like i have my blackout curtains drawn because i have to for there's nowhere to sit in here where if I if I open the curtains I would be backlit and I would look like an ominous you know the dealer

no deal guy and so I just have to keep the curtains drawn and so my room is quite depressing and I could have slept till 5 p.m today like easily no problem no questions asked um I've been doing it a lot. I had some good times, good sleeping in times this weekend, but still not enough. Like I can sleep all the time and I don't know what's wrong with me. Why I, and I don't know what's wrong with people that get up and like do stuff. If you have free time, why aren't you in bed? And that's my conundrum recently is like, when I have free time, I just want to be in bed. I don't want to be writing a book. I don't want to be going hiking. I don't want to go to Sephora to restock my

makeup. I don't want to go shopping for an outfit to wear on Conan. I just want to sleep. And I just want to be in bed on my phone. And I'm not depressed, maybe a little bit, but that's what's soothing to me. But it feels really sad getting back into bed when it's beautiful outside and there are tons of friends that live in this town that I can hang out with. And I'm doing that instead. Any thoughts? Well, I think if you're being very active when you're not in bed, then bed is okay. You know, it's a balance. If it's active for 30 minutes,

bed for 23 hours and 30 minutes, that's, you know, I mean, you're doing a lot of shit. You're not just like someone that's like, ugh, you know, you got like fucking a Gator half green Gatorade bottle by the bed and you're just eating from a Chinese takeout and you just have the same underwear on for five days. No, you're right.

You're very active. Like you're not. It's not weird to think that you need rest. And when you are performing, I'm sure you're probably better when you're getting out of bed no i would hope so do you feel refreshed or do you feel more tired because no i feel resentful that i have to get out of bed and like that the only reason i get out of bed is to appear normal because i know that it's what i should do as opposed to what i that's the difference between my life and everyone else's. Yes, I do do things, but I don't ever want to do any of them. And I feel like people, like I always compare myself to Kirsten because she's just someone

who just like likes to get up and she like likes to go out and she likes to go on hikes and she likes to go shopping and she likes to like cook and she likes to clean up and she like of course she and sometimes she likes to go to work like i don't like to do any of the things everything i do i do out of um because i know it's what i should do it's not because i want to do it if it were up to me it would be being in bed on my phone reading a new columbine book yeah but that's what i want to do i think it's a happiness issue her columbine book is doing those things like that's what makes her columbine why would anyone's columbine book not be a columbine book why would it be going to home depot to pick out sconces or caulking for the new tub they're

putting in like i have feel i know i i returned to this over and over but i just i wish i were a person who liked doing things and i like going to dinner with friends i like yeah sleeping i like staying in bed i like snacking I like going to lunch with friends. But that's really only the things I like to do. Everything else in my life, I like podcasting because it makes me feel accomplished at the end of it. And I like talking to friends and hanging out with friends. And I like performing at some times. but if I'm going to be honest, I'd rather be in bed reading a Columbine. My true core self would rather be in bed on Reddit

reading Columbine posts than out doing things. And I think that people genuinely like things. What about when you're at comedy shows? When I'm at comedy shows. Like this weekend and you see Carlisle, you see your friends in comedy and you're performing. Does that give you a little bit of life? Yes, it does.

But I'm there out of obligation. I'm not there for the love of the game. I don't think. I'm there because I have people that are coming to see me and I have to, like I was just talking to Anya about this. Anya wrote me this morning that she's in New York City and she was at the Comedy Cellar last night and she noticed this trend of comedians blaming the audience and getting

kind of mad at the audience for being shitty. You guys don't get that. Oh, you guys are sensitive. And like scolding the audience a little bit. She's like, I just really like, you never do that. She's like, you just

I've never seen, I've watched you a million times you've never once gotten mad at the audience for not getting something you always are just like you just that's so mature that's so evolved of you it's just such new comic energy i feel to get mad audience and i was like yes and no i feel that i don't get mad at the audience because because sometimes there are shitty audiences. These LA crowds recently have been very groany. Everything I say is just like, oh, they just hear a word. It's an interesting new facet to the LA audience that I don't remember encountering when I lived here.

But I don't get mad at them ever in person. I will talk shit about audience when I get off stage, man, they sucked. God, they were awful. Fuck. I hate them. But I never do it in person. And it's not because I'm like, I'm, I'm, I'm a more mature comedian. It's because I have low self-esteem and I truly feel that if I were to be like, you guys suck, someone might go, you suck and you're ugly. And we like other people better than you. My fear, me not, me not getting mad at anyone ever in my life is never me me being a the better person or being like it's not a maturity it's actually me fearing retribution

from them that i cannot take because i'm so scared of any criticism i'm so scared of being told that i did something wrong so instead i will talk about them behind their back i feel like the comedian though that goes you guys suck you don't get it you're too fucking woke you're too weak whatever that they're already getting that response that you fear from the crowd and that's their insecurity showing of them being like well it's on dim it's not me and their fear already happened they didn't get to laugh you know what i mean but i this fear of mine it's it's in everything i do like i i just don't i don't ever like to tell anyone they're wrong because i and i've talked about this with a therapist before and she said that that's the fear of a 15 year old girl that someone's going to call you ugly um but that's

truly always my biggest fear is that someone can just, anyone can win an argument with me by saying, well, you're ugly. Like that is my biggest fear. And I don't trust people not to use that against me. And then it will shut, like if we're arguing about the environment, if we're arguing about whether I'm funny or not,

like if they pull out you're ugly and then the argument's over and I will go cry and I will not be able to talk anymore and so I just am always trying to I always take blame first I'd rather always have blame than ever blame someone else because I'm just scared they're gonna say either you're a bitch or you're ugly yeah does that make sense how many times does that happen i mean you know i mean since grade school i mean i don't enough times that that's never something i want to feel again because i might kill myself if it happens do you know i mean like the the feeling of feeling ugly or feeling um undesirable is so uh do you know what the counter force the the counter force to fear what is it

um what do you think it is bravery no happiness self-love happiness really happiness yes and i'm reading all about it i just need to get a little bit more into it to be able to in that book um it's it's called uh the book is called what happy people know and he talks a lot about like why we've evolved in a certain way that uh fear inhibits our our happiness and exactly what you were talking about before of like well i just want to stay in bed i just want to be on my phone isolate myself i can't enjoy myself when i'm out with my friends or doing the thing that I love to do and I think a lot of it is fear-based but I don't know what else to tell you from this point on I do enjoy hanging out with my friends when I get out there and I do enjoy doing sets and you're right it is about fear and I

encountered it a lot last night like my friend Ben Glebe wanted to like do we did a karaoke night he got a karaoke room and I invited a bunch of people and then we were going to go to a Korean spa after that and it was just going to be like a fun night of hangs and Ben is someone who always is just like has such fun things planned and he always gets me involved and like it always becomes like our thing that we're planning that we're inviting our friends and for some reason we always turn into like it's our joint party and i'm like i didn't even want to do this in the first place so i invited like all these people and i have to say that like um through from the people that we like wanted to be there three or four didn't come because

I was like trying to prod and like figure out like why didn't you why don't you want to come and it I thought tiredness um I don't like karaoke um I don't like someone who's gonna be there but it was honestly like social anxiety people were just like scared to be around people, which I do not understand. Like I get, I mean, I sometimes don't want to talk to people, but I think that's the best place to go as a karaoke room because you

literally don't, people are singing and you don't have to talk, but we lost a lot of people last night because of that. So I know this isn't like, like abnormal. I didn't have it for this for whatever reason but I like just people being like I just don't want to talk about my life everyone in LA wants to hear about what you're up to and I don't like what I'm up to and so I don't want

to talk about it and I don't know like can't you just skip that can't you just skip that? Can't you just go, Oh, I've just been like, I, my dog is my life now. Like just find something to, or, or just be honest because you could just say I'm depressed. I don't know. I, I feel like I'm, I'm not scared of those interactions as much. I'm just like, I just don't want to, I don't want to do it. Not because I'm scared of talking to people I'm doing because I would rather be in bed reading. I mean, do they actually have a fear of singing i mean if you're in a small room you feel like you have to sing maybe they don't want to sing that's an anxiety that people don't want to deal with uh people also you know la people are competitive like if you're not doing something if you don't have a show if

you don't have you know something going on you're often seen as less than maybe more so in your head than you actually are yeah you're in a in a city that if you're not working you might as well be dead you know what i mean like so someone like you you're there you you're there to promote your special you have so much going on so i used to live here and have nothing going on i know what it's like but do you remember that feeling then of not i never cared if people asked because i always knew that my future was bright like this is part of the process to get to where i'm going like i mean that's a great outlook that's a very positive outlook that you

like i just never thought like because something's not happening now it's because i'm not talented but i don't even think but how can you not apply that then to when someone goes when you're worried someone's gonna call you ugly but you're like well i'm talented but then i guess underneath it all do you think you're ugly because no one in a conversation is gonna say to me you're not talented if i'm talking to a friend and i go i don't really have anything going on right now. They're not going to go, you're ugly and not talented. They might say that if I say you suck, you guys aren't laughing. Then like, that's why I don't, I don't ever get into altercations with people and confront them because I'm scared. They'll use the ugly card, but no one's going to use the ugly card when I'm just saying,

I don't have anything going on. Yeah. It's a different thing, I guess. Yeah, that's a different situation. But I know what you're saying. I get what you're saying, but I just, I think that, like, when I hear my friends say, like, I don't have anything going on, and I don't, I'm, like, depressed about my life, and I don't want to talk to anyone about, like, how depressed they am. I'm like, to me, I'm like, even the people that are killing it are depressed,

and just say, just say you're depressed yeah like that will connect no i agree saying like oh i'm working on this web series that i'm writing like instead of like trying to make something of like yeah i just feel like that can be the answer and also but i get it like like I don't relate to that. Like some people might not relate to like Kirsten might not relate, relate to wanting to stay in bed. Like Kirsten, her being sick is like the worst thing ever. Whereas like I would, I really, I know I don't get physically sick ever. And I, my, my boyfriend says when I, when he was got COVID, when he was got COVID, when

he got COVID, I remember saying, I'm a little bit jealous you have COVID because you have an excuse to be in bed. And like, I just never have an excuse to be in bed. I mean, I could say I'm depressed, but people sometimes get a little bit like depression. People don't really take as like, like, like for me, it's like a cold. It lasts a couple of days. People that don't really take as like, like, like for me, it's like a cold. It lasts a couple of days. People that don't understand depression. They're like, you're going to, this might, she might kill herself.

She's a liability. I don't want to work with her. Like it's, it's not the same as depression being like, I want to, I can't make it today. I'm depressed. It becomes like this cloud as if you're saying like i have stage one something like this is this is gonna end in my death perhaps and you should be worried about me as opposed to like i'm just feeling down today um whereas if you call and you say i have covid people go oh man that sucks and they're not like i'm so worried about nikki she might die you know like the covid now as opposed

to like before do you know what i'm saying like um i wish i could get sick a little but then chris was like you don't want to be sick because you feel sick and i was like oh i forgot about that part like i don't yeah i don't know what it's like to feel sick so i don't know i feel sick in the head a lot but i don't know what it's like to feel like physically like so sick and i know that that's awful and i don't wish that on myself but you know during the dancing with the stars I prayed to god to get injured and I did and sometimes I feel like I want to just like I know that if I asked for it I'd be like so mad once I got it I just don't want a migraine I want any kind of sickness except a migraine I think I can handle

stomach I just want something to get me out of the constant stream of texts and emails that i get bombarded with every day and i'm i know that i'm very lucky to be working and having people want to work with me but it is it's just it's just too much me and theo were talking i did theo's podcast this weekend and we were talking about just um burnout and like when and and i think people anyone who even is unemployed can feel burnout of just like i gotta work on my garden i gotta clean the garage i gotta take the kids to school i gotta take the kids to practice i gotta take the kids to little league i gotta have the cable i gotta meet the cable man like just saying yes to too many things too many things have to get done and then nothing gets done i just feel so what's the fear of saying no that if you say no

to this one thing that could have been the thing that makes someone like if i say no to a podcast a producer or someone who an actress or someone who wants to like work with me could have heard me and been like i want to work with her and like that leads to this opportunity that i missed because i just didn't do this one podcast but an opportunity that will put more on your plate that will actually make you unhappy no an opportunity that actually i might like that will make me so much money that'll make it so that i can you know retire sooner my parent buy my parents a house you know like it's money no i get what you're saying i get yeah it's like there's this photo shoot that i just turned down that's like this amazing photo shoot that's

like done by this amazing photographer and um and it would be in new york right before i'm doing seth meyers next week it would be on that day and i'm like i want to focus on my seth meyers interview i don't want to style myself. I don't want to pay a thousand dollars per look for a stylist to come in when I'm not getting paid for this thing. It's for a magazine no one's even heard of, but it would be cool pictures that I would have the rest of my life. And I need new pictures because I've aged significantly since my last ones. Um, and it would be these really cool, like Vogue-y type, like model shots. And I turned it down because I just don't want to style,

I don't want to come up with three outfits. I can't. I have to go on The Talk this week. I have to go on Conan's podcast, so I have to at least wear something cute from the bottom up or from the waist up. I have to go on Bill Maher's podcast. That's a full outfit.

The Talk is a full outfit because I think I have to walk to the desk. Seth Meyers next week is a full outfit the talk is a full outfit because i think i have to walk to the desk um seth meyers next week is a full outfit um it's like coming up with outfits is alone like just such a hair and makeup too like like figuring out that i'm doing a shoot with the hollywood reporter tomorrow um it's all just like so everything you say yes to isn't just like showing up even podcasting like the os podcast i look as like a quarter of a million views within two hours or something you know like that's gonna get more views than my tv show on e like and i'm not and i'm winging it my i'm doing my hair and makeup on the uber there like where are my priorities i mean i just i don't know what to do anymore i mean these are champagne problems in a way but they're real problems they're not it's not fake it's not

like just because it sounds like i don't know like on the flip side like look at my shit right now like i have i feel like i'm some i'm somewhat successful in this business right like i i make more money probably than like 99 of stand-up comedians you know i if i do like put on a show in nashville i'm sure my ticket sales aren't like insane but they're pretty decent i bet if i called and called and asked. Like, my engagement's good. I talked to an agent, and he's like, oh, I'll give you to one of my, you know, below agents. You know, like, but it'll be on my team. And then he talks to his team, and they're like,

well, actually, no one can take you right now, even the below agents. So, like, the flip side of what you're going through, and, like, here I am as someone that I know, like, if you put me i will fucking do well in stand-up and i could probably draw a decent amount and they don't even want to make the phone calls for me to get and so there's no money for them agencies don't if you're taking 10 i'm just saying though like these are problems of like i can't even get

someone to get me something even though now i'm just reaching out to clubs myself now. That's like my new thing. I got this list. That's not a new thing. That's what you do. That's what everyone does. I know. I'm telling you to do that.

My point is, though, is that like, here you are having opportunities sent at you. And then on the flip side here, I't even get so together i'm just saying like to that like so i don't know i'm just trying to put things maybe in perspective that's why i just said champagne problems and you proved it let's go to break we'll be right back andrew every rose is a thorn shit i did that one already. It's okay. I don't think you've ever said every roast is a four. Yeah. Let's do it. Think about it.

Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We're back. Yeah, I hear what you're saying, and I'm not trying to be like, I'm not trying to be not grateful for the things, but I'm just a little bit saying like it um yeah i i i've been i've been in your shoes i've been in these sandals i'm wearing and it doesn't get easier for some reason and yeah the difference is like you're making a living wage though like you're not at least you're not like you know it not broke and having to do stuff you don't want to do necessarily for money.

You know what I'm saying? It's probably more than just money. It's all money in the end. But that's the thing. I think I generate income, however, and future income. know like some of these

agents they only want to represent people that do theaters but there are junior agents that are representing people that would be less of a draw than me that for some reason don't want you know and granted like i got to go to maybe different agencies and talk to multiple and like i understand that but i'm just saying like it's just like some you know some things just don't make sense in this business like where like even in the past like when i've done very well at clubs in new york and i didn't get a fair look i felt like you know like i don't know there's just a lot of like no's in this business where you think, well, why?

Like, what is it about me that's not good enough? You know, like, I don't know. Yeah. And you take it personally. Of course. Yeah, I mean, I didn't get on Comedy Central. Comedy Central would not look at me, not acknowledge me. There was this, you know, Live at Gotham was the show to get on. Yeah.

And then Comedy central presents was a thing that you couldn't even get a half hour until you got on live at gotham and i was in new york i had been on the tonight show i had been on last comic standing and they just would not ever acknowledge me they would i would do their showcases every year to get on live at gotham or whatever they whatever kind of thing they had never ever and it was just like what is it it's personal like and sometimes it is like um i was talking to a comic this weekend who's like i can't get spots this place because the person who books it does not like me just i i know they don't like me i know why they

don't like me it's a misunderstanding but they just don't like me and i'm like then like find another way then like instead of complaining about why don't they like me like just do just give up on that because like you can't convince someone to like you really i mean it's gonna be their thing i remember the second that i got an mtv show comedy central came calling because it's like, oh, someone else likes you. Now we want you. Or it was like, you know, the people that were controlling that were saying yes to things that Comedy Central just kind of got a bad idea of who I was because I was like dating comedians and they thought I was just like, they dismissed me because they thought I was just some like stupid whore that like wanted to be a good comedian by fucking them or something, even though I wasn't.

And I think that once they got to know me, they, you know, at a party, like, like, you know, a Christmas party at a club once.

And I met the people that were making the decisions. They were like, Oh, we actually do like, like, I don't know what happened, but it was never in my control. Yeah.

It's funny. The agent that I spoke to was like, oh, I just assumed you had an agent. You know, that's another thing that is a way to look at it. Like, oh, they probably assume that I have someone like someone helping. But it's whatever. I don't know. I'm just like, it's just, you know, I sent out probably like 30 different emails to clubs. And you hear back from

like one after like two weeks and you're just like do i write again i guess i'll just send another one you know it's just it's you know whatever it is but um that's good that you did that though yeah no it feel it felt proactive it feels like i'm actually like you know i'm feeling motivated about it and you know that felt good to just do it so and i've got um but it is what it is uh what else has been going on it is what it is you know like the rose is the thorn you know it is what it is just like such a thing that you say it never makes anyone feel better about anything. Hey, it was what it was. It's like the like it is what I'll never forget. It's a part of a bit I used to do.

But my friend who discovered one night when we were all showing each other our labias one night because I was like i was the first one of all my friends i was my first of my friends to like feel insecure about my vagina and they didn't even know that they should feel insecure about theirs based on like what people talk you know like based on they are not listening my friends were not listening to what men had were saying i've always i have to say i've always been more aware to like what what men around me are saying about women's bodies what the internet is saying like I I I scope out you know landmines that I could possibly avoid to not get made fun of or not be called ugly or not be unlovable and one of the things I found was like if you have a fucking sloppy pussy and

that men will make fun of you and they don't like it and so one night at a college party I told my friends like I got drunk and like I think it was the first time I admitted like I hate my vagina and I think there's something wrong with it and like I'm not ever gonna hook up with anyone until I can get surgery and I'm saving up for it. And they were just like, what? And then we all went in the bathroom to compare. Cause it was like me. I think it was me, Kirsten, Hala.

And then there was a couple, I'm not going to say names. And then three girls you didn't know. But it was in, no, it was, that's in the, um,

Pornhub version, but it was all, it was just all my best friends, but it was, it was a, I've done this a lot in different parts of my life, but this was all, it was just all my best friends, but it was, it was a, I've done this a lot in different parts of my life, but this was the first time I did it. And it was in Kansas city, Missouri, downtown Casey. We rented a hotel. I forget what for. And I remember my friend, like there were, there were, I do a longer bit about it. I'm not going to like

do the whole bit, but my one friend had really really long labia like way longer than mine and it made me feel so good because i'm like she doesn't care about hers like they're like and she she's like hooks up a lot she's like i've never had any complaints like it's fine and then my other friend had like nothing and it was like her vagina was perfect and i was like oh of course yours is like amazing and maybe you can guess who that is based on who i talked about before who just seems to like like hiking and like decorating oh now it all makes sense ball pots whatever the fuck she just wants to bring that perfect pussy everywhere yeah it was just like it was so as soon as i saw it i was just like of course

and you know that friend that i was trying to get like like she's she's super thin and fit and like the rest of her friends are bitching about feeling like fat and like she goes like yeah i know i'm like so bloated and you're like get the fuck out of here like they try to fit they want to feel a part of the group of like they want to join in on those self-hating women talk but they can't really because they're it's almost like me bitching about my career and you being like well look at what i like and you're like yeah yeah look at my labia look at my labia my labia can't even get a call back that's how i got into clubs i was like i got this amazing labia joke you gotta see it um you should write

them about your labia which is really just your ball sack as a woman um so there but then there was this one friend of mine that had like an in-between like if you were like you know goldilocks she was like the mild one but they were still longer than maybe i showed pictures of like this is what men like i guess and please don't write me and be like i love meaty pussies please it disgusts me when you write that i don't care what men like, I guess. And please don't write me and be like, I love meaty pussies. Please, it disgusts me when you write that. I don't care what you like. Anyone who's listening,

do not write me what you prefer in bed that I shouldn't be insecure about mine. Don't fucking write me anything about my vagina. It is my thing to talk about, not yours to comment on. Please, God, stop. So she wrote to, or she was like a little bit traumatized. She was like,

fuck, I didn't even know this was a thing. And I'm like, it is like, you're unlovable. Like you need to get surgery. Like we can, you know, save up together because hers were a little bit more like mine. And she was like, really like bummed out. And it was like, I suddenly gave her this new insecurity that seconds before she had would never have thought about herself and this is a friend of mine who like shares all the same insecurities I do a really good friend and so she was just like I could see and it was nice for me to like share this burden with someone she was really sad and then she was like I have to call Steve and she was like I was like what and she so she calls her ex-boyfriend who is in a different time zone and out like at parties we were in college

and she calls him on speakerphone she's and we're drunk and she's drunk and she's like steve and he's like yeah what's up she's like hey i have a quick question like you know my like you know my labia and he's like um what she's like so my vagina okay and he's like yeah and he's like she's like are my like labia like the lips that like hang out is it like are they like really long and he was like yeah and she was like she was like she was like like the longest like you've ever seen he's like yeah probably and we're all just like on speakerphone waiting and then she goes is that a bad thing and he just goes i mean it is what it is and it was just like, oh, no. It is what it is.

Which is what you say if you, like, lose your arm in war or something. Like, listen, no one wants this, but it is what it is. It's like a defeatist. Like, it is what it is. It's never preceded by anything good. Like, I won a million dollars. I mean, it is what it is. It's never that. It's always I lost a million i mean it is what it is yeah yeah it's never that it's always

i lost a million dollars it is what it is and so after that i hear that song what will be will be say rah so rah that's what you know oh yeah okay so rah so rah whatever will i be pretty will be will be i guess it's a precursor to is it is what is. Man, it is what it is. If you can ever avoid using that in response to your woman's body, please try. Or your own story about your career. Dude, I saw a fucking picture of myself last weekend that was devastating. Hey, it is what it is, yo. Dude, it was so what it is. It was. It was. i'm not even joking you i showed carlisle because she was commented on some like you know she was saying like i'm so

fat right now whatever she was like lamenting about her body as women oft do and she like showed me a picture like look at this picture someone took of me on stage look at my double chin it was a bad picture of her she just did not look herself and i go oh i had that moment too look at this and like i could see how much she couldn't spin it there was nothing to be said about like that's not really what you look like like it was me from the back wearing a one piece. And she goes, honestly, Nikki, I've been doing this thing where I do 20 squats a day. Like it really like it was about your butt. It was about it was about my arm, my butt, my back, my hump, my hump shoulder, my legs, my cellulite. Like it was about everything that could be wrong in a photo.

I just didn't know I looked like that at all at all and chris's brother took the picture and then airdropped it to all of us and all i can picture is jack's wife who is like an adorable little tiny thing zooming in on that picture much like i would if my husband were with like a famous comedian and like i kind of like not that she like i just know that at any time i i zoom in on women's bodies all the time if i go oh my god they're kind of like not perfect let me zoom in like and i was like how do i get that off their fucking phones because we all shared to each other and i took chris aside and i was like no more pictures of me in a swimsuit without like, and you cannot, we cannot airdrop to those to everyone. Like, I feel so he's like, do you want me to get them back?

Like, I was like, no, cause then it's a thing. Yeah. Then it's a thing. But like, I can't do this. And then it was so hard for me not to let that ruin my fucking weekend. Um, but, and I sent it to Anya cause I just wanted to like, send it to everyone that like, I knew could not, like, there was no, like, it's bad lighting. It's a bad angle.

You don't look like the way it's like, no, you have put on some weight. This is not a good look. No one would ever say that is an attractive body. It looks like it should be a national inquirer. Like, you know, the stars are, are not like any of like, it's almost like, you know, one of those, like the most horrifying picture that could ever be of me. And I was like, I forget what my point was, but it was, it is what it is. I've let it go. I have started doing squats. I did. I like your way of getting like ahead of something

that was sent to a lot of people is send it to more people you know what i mean like because i want other people i want to be able to go like my friends can't lie to me because you know and then and then i and then it confirms to me like i am undesirable i know that they would probably kill themselves if they looked like this like that's what i always do is like were there other photos you liked of yourself in that drop box and by this way when i say kill myself and kill yourself if you looked like that please don't be like nikki i'm bigger than you so this makes this hurts my feelings here you say this i'm allowed to not like my body no matter what size i am and so are you and it's not it's not because of i'm not undesirable i know that but deep inside in my female psyche it gets through that i am because

i'm a little bit depressed because i'm living in a fucking you know what i did you know what i did yesterday i went to the i went to the pool and i had like a dark like workout shirt on i just went in the pool with the shirt on rolled the sleeves sleeves up to work on the upper arm tan. Because I have an insane farmer's tan right now from playing golf so much. And I just leaned into wearing a t-shirt in the pool. At first, people were like, what are you doing? And then eventually, no one cared. Did someone say, what are you doing?

Well, Brenna was kind of just like, you're not taking your shirt off? And I was like, no, I'm going going with the shirt in the pool and honestly i felt more like usually when i'm at the pool i'm uncomfortable because my shirt's off and i just feel like my body's okay but like certain positions like i just feel like i've man tits a lot of time yeah and it's just like and uh and i have a little bit of hair on my back whatever and so i had my t-shirt on I sat at the pool for like two hours I've never been more comfortable yes and it was just like leaning into just of being like oh no I'm gonna do this thing kind of farmer's tan but I guess you never take your shirt off during sex either so the only time you would see it is a shower by yourself

right cooler it's a cooler farmer yeah or a massage but do you still leave your shirt on during sex no i take it off i mean there's certain positions where i'd rather not um have my shirt off if i'm standing up and fucking sure it's great but if i'm like leaning over and i could look down and see my utters hanging over and i see my tits hanging i hate it i hate that they've got to be really stacked and like full for that like hangover like utters yes oh they're bad okay let's get to the news my lower stomach will hang like not past my dick but just like it's harder to get like our biggest fear is we're unfuckable and yet we're fucking someone during this and yet we still feel unfuckable yeah like that's our real fear is like someone's gonna not love us and that we're not

fuckable but we first of all you're fucking someone that does love you yet you still feel like it is happening in the moment, yet you still feel unfuckable. Well, why are they fucking me? I don't deserve this pleasure. Why are you fucking me? What's wrong with you? Yes. What's wrong with you? Look at me. Literally, look at me. I'm right on top of you. Look at me. We have so much show to get to. Let's get to the news.

You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Woo-wee. Hope you had all the swells this weekend. Sounds like we did, too. We love our bodies. It's great here having all the swells. Yeah, it's Monday.

You know what that means. It's Monday. All right, back to you, Noah, in the studio over there in Arizona. Thanks, Andrew. You're welcome. And over to you, Nikki, too. Then back to Noah, too. you're welcome and over to you nikki too then back to no welcome all right well nikki's in la this week she's got a lot of appearances as we heard about

in the first segment uh but something that everyone needs to be aware of because on saturday july 16th the suicide Prevention Lifeline is getting a new number. Dialing 988 will connect you with people who can help in a mental health crisis. 988? Yeah, 988. July 16th is also the date of my special coming out on HBO called Good Clean Filth. I thought this was going to be coincidence cross promotion yeah i know yeah yeah i know what number i'll be dialing that night when the when the tweets don't come in

wait what was the suicide number before was like really long oh it was that one song yeah do you remember it like no what was it i didn't i don't know i just have it i mean i don't have it memorized because it's just in my phone under help you know no i don't have it in my phone like but we don't have any phone numbers memorized but it was that song remember that song i love that song it's logic it's my logic it would be so hard to um request that at a radio station. Like, you know, like if you're calling in. I think that's the number that it made on the charts, too. No, that was actually a good song.

No, I just can't think of that. It doesn't that doesn't conjure any lyrics for me. I was trying to think of like what the lyrics were to like spur any sort of like sing along thing here. But I can't remember it. Yeah, 988. That has a nice ring to it 988 song lyrics hold on i want to look it up um i've been on the low i've been taking my time i feel like i'm out of my mind that i feel like my life ain't mine. Who can relate? That's so good. I don't want to be alive.

I don't want to be alive. Yeah, that song is really good. But yeah, now he can rename that song 988. So if you're feeling suicidal, call 988. And someone will talk to you. That's a pretty nice thing out there. I wonder how long it'll take them to get back in Detroit.

Oh, my God. Yeah, no kidding. If you call 911 in Detroit, what did they say? It takes an hour for them to just call you back? That was one of my jokes from when we were in Detroit when I had to look up things about it. It was like, yeah, the average wait time is like an hour for the cops to respond to

a call like if you call the cops and you get through to 9-1-1 which by the way when i called the cops to get through to 9-1-1 when i we were in detroit because we saw a car accident about to happen that was wild yeah it kept ringing and i never got through and they did call me back but um yeah so uh call 988 don't call 911 if you're feeling suicidal um noah what were you gonna say you said something else about this oh i was gonna say that uh also the the suicide hotline is not just for suicide it's call if you're having a mental a mental health crisis of any kind or if someone you're concerned about is thinking of suicide and you want to find ways to help them.

Oh, that's nice. It would be funny if it was like the IT guy that works for Amazon is also the suicide guy. He has multiple jobs. I used to date someone who volunteered for that. Really? He was an aspiring comedian. He had no personality. it was perfect for him for suicide that sounds like you'd want to yeah because you have to be neutral

you can't be emotional gotcha you gotta talk to people logically literally like the they're all volunteers logic yeah um wild i would do I think. But I would feel so burdened. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like even when my friends or other people in my life get really sad and need my help, I kind of am like, oh, now it's up to me that this person doesn't kill themselves? I don't want this. Do you ever feel that way when a friend is deeply in need need and you're like but i am too busy right now like i literally can't and now it's up to me that you don't hurt you're like what do i do it feels sometimes like i get scared and i get a little bit resentful where i'm like where someone is like i really need you right now and like puts it all on you i don't think i've ever done that when i was feeling like really sad um and that's when you

call that fucking line actually is when your friends are not able to be there for you or maybe you don't have friends which is not a fucking crime if you don't have friends it's sometimes you call it's your it's your buddy he's like, I'm at work right now. I'm working a suicide hotline, so I can't be there for you. Wait, is that you, Dave? I can't say who it is. You didn't text me back. Yeah, I'm working. That's so funny.

You want to pay me $9.99 an hour to save your life? Alright, what's the next news story? Okay, the next news story is about your favorite Starbucks after launching its new chicken sandwich this week or last week they quietly pulled it off the market because of complaints of diarrhea yeah um chicken's gross you guys stop it. Stop it. It's healthy. Just stop.

But coffee, the diuretic, makes you shit so much. Yeah, it really does. They're like, oh, it must be the chicken. Yeah. I drink a coffee I'm shitting before I take the first sip. I know. It is such a good. Which is great. I love a coffee shit.

I love it, too. A chicken shit. Not so much. Yeah, that's interesting. Fucking coffee shit. I love it too. A chicken shit. Not so much. Yeah. That's interesting. Fucking chicken shit. What a great name for a little bit. You little chicken shit.

Oh, it is a really good one. It's, I mean, I can't even, I don't even want to, I'm like, I'm so not in the mood to talk about chickens and why we shouldn't be eating them more than the fact that they give us diarrhea right now. It was mostly for the diarrhea. But never mind. Do you like diarrhea? Do you like having... Would you rather have diarrhea shits

or hard shits? That's a good question. I would rather have diarrhea because at least I feel thin. Your shits can't even be i cannot stand like utis feel like and cramps feel like you have to take a shit out of your vagina and it hurts so bad like i just hate having hard things down there it's so but diarrhea is terrible but again i love an excuse to get out of anything and And when you have diarrhea, you really can't leave your place. You can't do anything.

And you can tell someone you're sick. And then you just sit on the toilet, which sucks. Both of them suck. But man, I saw this great thing today. There's this girl that I met through mutual friends. And we kind of like we hung out a little bit, but we always just followed each other on Instagram and she has a baby now. And she posted this thing on our Instagram story today.

That was, you know, she like wrote like what you're about to see actually happened. I am a new mom and I was feeling hung over this morning and kind of like pissed at myself for even going to this musical festival last night, even i'm a new mom but like i deserved it but also like i'm fucking suffering today and i walked in to my daughter who was in one of those like little like round things where they just like kind of bounce and they like stand up babies can stand up but it's like round and they can spin around, you know? And she was like, my daughter, I like was maybe not being the most attentive mom today.

She had diarrhea. It ran down her leg onto the, onto the surface of which she bounced. And my daughter is just slipping and sliding and like dancing upon her diarrhea. And then she posted the video of it. And it's so funny. And it makes me feel like, I i just was like thank you for posting this because i bet so many moms can relate of just like

fucking like i look away for like i give myself five extra minutes where my husband is maybe like i know he's nearby watching tv he falls asleep and our daughter is dancing in her diarrhea and like what a real moment that was that i just don't think a lot of moms post that stuff because it's just humiliating and you feel like a neglectful mom but really it's just like you're allowed to look away for a little bit also she probably looked just like her the night before at the dance the baby was so happy to just like sliding around like yeah there's nothing better than watching a baby eat pudding and not give a fuck like they don't give a fuck they have no idea they're such

mailboxes like they don't they're not affected they babies can't absorb your anger but they just don't care it's so freeing and that's why when you look at a baby they have perfect posture their butt if they're sitting up and they have no back to a chair and they're just sitting babies have perfect posture they're not weighed down by life yet they're not hunched over when they're on a device they're they just look down with their head like this which is where you're supposed to look down you're supposed to because they haven't had a cell phone yet you're yeah but when you but if you're natural like your natural way to look at things is there's like a is you just kind of take your ears, and if there was a bar going through right where your ear is pretty much, that's where your head should rotate from to go up and down. That's all you need, side to side.

You don't need to do your neck like this. You just need this. That's all you need, And babies do that naturally. And babies also sit up straight naturally and have their butt cut. Like kind of babies look like they're like waddling, but that's the natural way to sit. Like I saw a baby when I'm sitting without a chair back, I'm like hunched immediately. And babies, if you watch a baby, try to naturally walk like a baby or sit like a baby and you'll be doing it the natural way because babies aren't burdened by life yet and when babies cry they aren't stifling their cries yet because

they're not a they're not trying to be polite they're not worried what other people think so babies they sound so loud because their bodies are completely comfortable so their bodies are vibrating and making the sound get so much bigger whereas hume us humans were so tense and when we cry we're like like it stays up in your head but if we were relaxed and letting it cry like really letting ourselves our cries would be so much louder because our body would vibrate like like an instrument it's very interesting let's go to break and come back with top one, bottom one. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast.

Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, we're back. It's Monday, so it's time for top one, bottom one. And the category today is...

Something in a hotel room. Okay, top one, bottom one things in your hotel room. In a hotel room, any hotel room that you like and then don't like. Let's start with bottom i'll go first the worst thing in a hotel room is oh i got two i'm sorry i always go to um no place to charge your phone next like the charge like the plug to plug in your phone you have to like pull out the bed which is disgusting yeah because you see all the things that the maid did has never gotten over thousands of stays or the plug is

just like precarious like we need plugs next to the bed for your phones at airbnbs at hotels if you don't have that going on at your airbnb give me my money back, bitch. That is insane. And then secondly, the most disgusting thing in a hotel room that I didn't learn until I did Last Comic Standing in 2006. I was not a road comic before that, so I didn't have experience in hotels. I remember I got to the Hilton Garden Inn in 2006 and I was staying with Jackie Cation

because we were at the semifinals for last coming standing. She's another comedian, Jackie Cation. And we were sharing a hotel room and Doug Benson came by to like, just hang out. Cause he was also semifinal. And we were all staying at the same hotel, kind of quarantine there.

And he came by and he was like, and Jackie's bed had the top sheet off and mine still was on. And he was like, I can tell here who is a road comic and who is actually experienced road comic and i was like and he was like because the fact that you left that on like it's like she like and now when i'm on and the road that thing comes off lickety split like now i stay at nicer hotels but like that have like nice bedding that they wash the duvet. But like there are times where I still stay at like double trees or courtyards. That top sheet, whatever it is,

there's a top thing that you can remove that doesn't involve the whole comforter. Get it the fuck off your bed, especially if it's like a quilted thing or a runner at the bottom of the bed. That thing never gets washed. Get it off your bed. Do not set anything on bed. Do not set anything on it. Do not touch it. And I am someone who is dirty as fuck. I do not care at all about germs. And that thing I would never, ever leave on my bed. I pick it up with my fingers. Like I'm

picking up a dirty diaper, the tips of my fingers with my nails, and then I wash my nails. So, um, that is, if you, if you're not an experienced traveler, just know that that is the dirtiest thing in a hotel room, besides the pillows. And bring your own pillow. Pillows are disgusting. Maids have, I've watched enough things, and I actually did a segment on my show, Not Safe,

about the dirtiest thing in a hotel room, and it is by far the pillows. The pillowcases are washed, but the pillows underneath are horrific. That even a pillowcase, you would not trust it to protect you from what happens on those pillows so much semen gets wiped on them even i wipe like my like if i'm using a toy and it's like has some stuff on it i will wipe it on the pillow next like i it's gross guys all right what's your least favorite thing in a hotel room

well now it's the top sheet. I didn't even think of it. No. I've already helped someone. You know what's really frustrating? But it's not in enough hotel rooms to become an insane problem for a lot of people. But I just hate it. Is the shower that you have to get to the heat. You have to go through the water so like the door is

set up that it goes in so you have to get wet with very cold water to turn the shower on and it's like it's a chronic problem in these places it is bullshit it's bullshit and you have so much money to just fix it it's like and and it's probably some dickhead, like, engineer designer that's like, ooh, I'm doing it different. I'm showing the world that I studied abroad in Madrid or whatever. That might just be me. I lived there for two weeks, not to brag. But whoever designed that thinks they're being, like, clever or whatever, stop it. Just stop it.

Just fucking have a curtain or or a door that opens out you have to get your arm wet in the wet and i know this is like so first world problems but like oh yeah getting your wet getting your arm wet with like wet cold water when you're just trying to turn on and figure out the the shower itself to like pull the right thing because sometimes there's a knob that switches it from the overhead shower to the side thing or like the little nozzle or the hand thing yeah so you're doing all you're pulling all these levers and you have to get wet doing it it is insane i don't even know i don't understand how the engineering could be that bad in so many hotels this happens all the time yeah it's wild so fucking fix it yeah good one no bottom okay wait so mine is also a bathroom related thing i cannot stand when they put the sink

outside of the actual bathroom and you're like literally flossing and brushing your teeth in the middle of the room hallway yes yes yeah and you know it's interesting i i just like a sink belongs in a bathroom please especially if i'm paying for the room that is a good point okay i like that too it's never really bothered me but now it really is. I think it never bothered me because it kept me accountable to washing my hands because I would then encounter it in the hallway and I go, oh, I gotta do this.

And if I'm sharing a hotel room with someone, it's really gotta happen. Yeah, if I'm sharing a room with someone, then they see too much of what I do. It's too revealing. The whole routine. I hate when I need to shit in the sink because it's clogged the toilet and they have to go watch me then shit in the sink exactly also soap that gets wasted after like you just open

it and it's one stay and you use it for one hand washing and then you just go oh well that's just gonna go the little every time i use the little plastic things i'm just like god this is all just so fucking wasteful it's just a constant reminder the hotel room i'm staying at now is like this eco-friendly place the um key cards are wooden chips they're little round wooden chips the size of like a poker chip. And in the bathroom, it has a timer like that you would come in a game of like Milton Bradley's like, sorry, you know, like it's like a little sand timer. And you flip it when you go in the shower so that you don't waste too much water um and it's also like this this hotel is supposed to be like you only stay here to relax even when you go onto their wi-fi it's like we know that you're just here to relax

but sometimes you need a little wi-fi and it's like who is ever relaxing ever anymore um so yeah i'm staying at this i do like this hotel though it smells so fucking good in the lobby even though i haven't even been there in a while because i stay in my room all day and i use a weird exit to get out but i do get 20 off at face gym which is where they go pummel your face oh face massage is so good okay let's get to the top final thought let's say our favorite things about hotel rooms what we encounter that is our favorite thing anyone want to go first i thought you were gonna i'll go first uh blackout curtains a sufficient blackout curtain that i don't have to like there's not a sliver of light

coming through um and uh also ones that gets you know cold um this one gets down to 66 degrees. I appreciate it very much. That is my favorite thing. Blackout curtains are so good. People always are like, I don't get enough sleep. Oh, I couldn't sleep last night. I'm like, did you have the room dark? No one ever thinks about the light.

Like that's what's waking you up. Light and sound. White noise, blackout curtain. Otherwise, I don't want to hear about you not getting sleep. You're not doing everything you can. And it very simple i'm trying to think top one oh yeah go ahead okay so my favorite thing uh i mean i guess there's a lot but lighting i like that hotels have like a light by the bed a light in the corner like it's just it's more it's kind of like wow i don't know how to do this in my own house yeah and it's cool that i i have it here there's like accent lighting yes a bedside light is so crouche i also love

um i love like a different kind of mattress than you get usually you get to kind of try out different things i love um robes um i love the amount of towels it was in micro bigelius movie but he was you know about being a comic on the road but using towels as napkins is like my favorite thing is like draping a towel on me and like just wiping my hand like just being able to get so dirty because you have so many napkins and their towels there's something really nice too about having a limited amount of clothes when you go to a hotel where even if you destroy the hotel you throw everything everywhere it's not that much stuff where it feels like you're weighted down which is nice i was gonna say i was thinking about robe i love a robe because i don't i'm not a robe guy during my real life so when i do it at a hotel

it's extra special and i really feel like a billionaire that i could just tell people what to do and clip my toenails and shit and be like i'm a ruler i mean jim gaffigan has a bit about it but the fact that robes we try them on and we wear them is so disgusting that like we if you found a second hand robe at goodwill you'd be like you got this robe from goodwill you'd be disgusted or if you got a mattress a used mattress from goodwill yet we sleep on used mattresses use used robes and we act like they're new or something but andrew's dick has been like all inside those wiping around yeah but i'm using a cleaning yeah but i have a hotel condom from the last guy on so it doesn't touch the robe

shit you're calling me for this interview um yeah that's a good point um no no i get that i get that but the things at goodwill are just sitting there at least there you know that's probably clean that day you know i mean no but even if someone said this mattress is used and the people before it were like you know the one owner use it buying a used mattress like people don't do that but we are like we celebrated in a hotel room and gaffigan has a great bit about hotels where like the level of disbelief that we live in to enjoy all the things that thousands of people before you have used and rubbed their genitals on.

I mean, it's truly disgusting. I can't believe that some of the disgusting things I've done or accidentally done in hotel rooms, knowing that that like I am not that gross of a person if I've done them like what could what are what are people capable of I mean really you've you've you've got you've had to have had some really gross things happen in a hotel room yeah I've done some gross things I've been lazy about certain uh cleanup situation you shit your pants last week I feel like you probably have gotten shit somewhere in a hotel room before.

That wasn't the toilet. I'm going to plead to fit. Plead all those fits. All right, we got to go. I got to do an interview. We'll be back tomorrow with more show. Thank you guys for putting up with my mood today. I'll be in a better mood next time.

You know, it comes and goes. But don't be cut out there. And Jackalope. Jackhammer. Ah! Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with

The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into john's unique take on the biggest topics in politics entertainment sports and more joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors and with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else ready to laugh and stay informed listen on the the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.