The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #245 Poignant Nifty

Episode Date: July 13, 2022

Nikki is doing press all over Los Angeles and is a little nervous about being a good guest on Conan Needs A Friend. She had a blast with Lizzy Cooperman. At karaoke they performed a song that no one would expect. Check out some bonus clips from Welcome Home Nikki Glaser?. Nikki and Andrew discuss bailing on people, The Worst Person in The World and if porn can be a retirement plan. Nikki goes through her Reddit Dump and has some great picks!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

John Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, Tuesday and couldn't fit it in. What are you doing tomorrow? Can you talk about it? So Tuesday I'm doing Conan's podcast. Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend,

which is my second appearance on that show. I love that show so much. I am so excited to be on it again. I've, you know, I did the show a few years ago when it first came out and now it's turned into one of my favorite podcasts and I listen to it all the time. And so it's like very intimidating to go on this time for some reason. I really want to do a good job. I really want to be funny, but I also want to like just laugh a lot and be present. So that's like my goal is to not try to like, yes. So I'll

be in studio with Conan tomorrow and it's's just gonna be so exciting to like be sitting down with conan again even though i've sat with him a lot he's just still the funniest and i've just become such a fan of the podcast in the time since i last saw him or was you know associated with the show that it just feels different this time and I really like want to be good about like I feel sometimes when I'm on his show I don't I don't have as much like I don't I'm trying to be funny so hard that I don't listen to him be funny and I can't be present because I'm just trying to keep up on my end and I think this time I just want to be really in the moment and just like laugh a lot, which is what I did on Theo's podcast the other day. Like I leaned more into not like pushing along conversation and just maybe like listening more and just like laughing and having a good

time and being more like relaxed and present. But it's hard because you, for some reason, more so than a host, as a guest guest i feel more of a pressure to keep the conversation going because i guess i don't i just don't want to ever have dead air or make the host feel like i again it's back to what i said yesterday everything is my fault so like if the audience is a bad audience it's like it's probably something i'm doing and i want to take the brunt of the uh i feel like i'm just a control freak but anyway i'm going in tomorrow to just really have fun because that's the best podcast is when people are just having a really good time and and you aren't nervous but it's really hard for me to not get nervous sometimes when it's stuff like this yeah and

then i mean i think the idea of like dead air for for like we listen to you know you listen to like sam harris and we've talked about it before and the rhythm but his isn't a comedy podcast it's comedy's fast he's cracking me up the other day old sammy boy he is very funny i've been listening to him more he really calms me that dude yes his voice is so calming do you ever find what have you been listening just well i only listen to 50 minutes because i don't pay or sent in the subscription yeah i'm lazy and i don't realize that i should just do that but uh no just all the latest ones i don't know that I should just do that. But no, just all the latest ones. I don't know. Any take that any hot button issue, I kind of wait to hear him.

And then I go, okay, yeah, I kind of agree with that. That's a way better way. I do too. I know. I'm like, before. I'm like, can you give it a week and a half? And then Sam will come out. And then I can tell you how informed I am. Yes. Yes. a week and a half and then sam will come out and then i could tell you how informed i am yes yes i feel like he gives me a place to start from of like this guy is going to speak from an i feel like a highly empathetic spot and obviously an intellectual place and then from there i can

kind of form my own opinion but yes i am like i wait for his opinion as well on things. But yeah, I just, I just don't, you know how I feel about this in terms of even in standup comedy. I hate pauses. I hate silences. I love a well-placed silence for the sake of a joke, but I do not like people dawdling and taking their time and, and acting like they're so chill when you're on stage and performing, or you have a microphone in front of you. Why are you acting like you're like about to get a massage? Like, I understand like being relaxed and what you're doing, but this is still a

performance. Like there should be some heightened stakes to what you're doing. Like, I think that a lot of times comfort is performative on stage and I can see right through it. And, um, and that's, and I will admit that I do not, if I'm comfortable on stage, it's because I'm either depressed or I don't care about the audience. Cause I don't care about anything. And I'm depressed. Like if I'm like leaning against the wall or like leaning on, like leaning against the wall or like leaning on like leaning on the piano with the improv or like tracing the wall with my hand or like kind of like playing with the mic or saying like oh so what else that is not that is not me like truly being comfortable that's me being depressed and like not caring um and there's a difference like i just i hate i hate that like yeah i just i but that's me

being also completely neurotic that like if there is a pause or if i do anything that is not entertaining or not moving the needle forward in terms of like um yeah i don't know if i do anything that's self-serving on stage as opposed to like trying to make people laugh, trying to be entertaining, then I failed everyone and then they can hate me. Then they'll have reason to hate me. So I don't take risks in that way. But that's just how I feel about things. I saw Dana Carvey last night. I went to the improv last night with went to dinner with spade and then we went to the improv afterwards

with carl carlisle came to dinner and then we went to uh the improv and it was spade and he was meeting dana carvey there too and dana is co-hosting guest hosting jimmy kimmel this week so he was like working on bits for the monologue and just different things and he was doing a joe biden impression that was so fucking funny and he kept saying doing joe biden being like and yeah we're gonna we're gonna do it and it's gonna be pirates of the caribbean he just kept saying i don't know why i was i was laughing so fucking hard but um that was really fun i saw taylor tomlinson last night she was fucking hilarious uh spade was obviously crazy good um i didn't go up which was like i didn't even want to go up i didn't even think to go up i kept seeing people being like so you're going up why are you here and i'm just like oh it didn't

even occur to me like i really have no ego when it comes to like i need people to this audience needs to see me and know that i'm here it It felt refreshing for the first time to be like, I don't care. It didn't even occur to me to go up. And that was like a new step in my career of like not needing constant attention and needing people to know like, I'm funny too.

I want to go up and kill. Like I just got to watch Taylor kill. I got to watch Dana kill. I got to watch Spade kill. And then I was like, okay, I'm ready to go to do karaoke with Ben with ben glebe like i wasn't trying to get on stage and i don't think i've ever not felt that way in my life and it wasn't because i'm depressed and i don't want to go on stage it was like i just i don't need to be working tonight i can let these people work and it doesn't take

away anything from me um it was an interesting feeling that I'm only now noticing, I guess. Yeah, that's a big change. I mean, I wonder what caused that, you know, to feel that way. Is it because FBoy Island is coming out? Your special's coming out this week? Well, I did four sets the night before, so maybe it was that. Oh, okay. But it was a hot room.

I mean, like, and I wanted, like, I could have gone on stage. I had bits that I was like man that would kill like i was kind of getting inspired watching all these greats go up and being like man i want to jump on this fucking it was just like watching a bunch of surfers catch really great waves like perfect swells man like this is and and i was just like no i'm good just like enjoying it and just like laughing there was my ego wasn't allowed in it didn't pay the cover charge to get in the room for some reason i was just like oh i'm just here as a spectator and i just didn't care and then i went to karaoke and that's when i really got to perform and that was so fun i sang mr jones and i sang um i me and lizzie cooperman did the witches rap into the woods, which is a small part of a 13 minute song

so we had to like find this small part, but uh, we couldn't sync it up. I mean it was it really brought the room down But it was so nice because everyone was like we don't care just try to find it and they like let us do it It was really fun. Karaoke is so fucking fun the witch's room so it's It's that was in the karaoke machine nothing but greens parsley well no it was uh youtube oh okay so you search it yourself it's one of those yeah yeah greens and nothing but greens parsley peppers cabbages and celery asparagus and

watercress and fiddlefords and lettuce she said all right but it wasn't quite because i caught him in the autumn in my garden one night he was robbing me raping me rooting through my rutabaga raiding my arugula ripping up my rampy and my champion my favorite i should have laid a spell on him right there could have turned him into a toad or a stone or a chair but i let him have the rampy and i was not too spare for return in return however i said fair is fair you should let me have the baby that your wife will bear and we'll call it square so me and lizzie are just like wrapping this like dumb into the woods thing where everyone else was doing you know ballads and everyone just had to like put up with it was kind of fun but everyone was so nice and game and no one made us feel bad it was a great group craig robinson was there you know the office craig

robinson yeah it was like five of us and then craig robinson just showed up and was just like singing along like didn't even grab the mic at one point. He had to go back to the improv to do a set. We were in Koreatown. He just popped in and then left. Like it was, it was so fun. It was so random.

I hate to say it was random, but it really was. It was so random. And yeah. Speaking of random random just real quick yeah sorry Nick because you just reminded me with Lizzie so I was just like

on YouTube the other day and E put out all these bonus clips of welcome home Nikki Glaser yes speaking of pirates you were there's like a my god did they put up the clip of lizzie with an eye patch yes and and little esther watch these extra clips um yeah so e is doing such a good

job of like taking all the stuff that they shot that didn't make the show and they're putting them up on their youtube so go check out all these extras from the show and there's one where i go to lunch in la with lizzie and esther and i was so mad it didn't make the show because it was such a funny lunch but little esther esther pavitsky and me and lizzie and lizzie had like an eye infection so she was wearing an eye pack during the whole thing it was so hilarious it was so lizzie i went to lunch with lizzie yesterday she's so funny we were laughing so fucking hard about so many things we used to go to lunch every single day to the Mustard Seed Cafe on Hillhurst. Literally every day. I lived here from 2000. I mean, I lived in LA from 2006 until

2009. And then I lived here again from 2000, I think 15 to 2018. And every day from 2000, I want to say 16 to 18, Lizzie and I would go to Mustard Seed Cafe literally every day. And we went there yesterday. And one of our old bus, the guy that used to bus our table is now a waiter. And he was so excited to see us. And it was like seven years later, it was just like, we're back. It was so cute. We had the most fun lunch.

We were laughing so hard about so many things. I can't even share on like we just it's it's interesting because lizzie cooperbin is the type of friend and i have this friend and everywhere i go where it's like i will see them every day of my life like if i live in la lizzie and i are hanging out every day we are best friends inseparable if i'm in new york anya and i see each other every fucking day inseparable and then when I'm not in those places like I don't talk to my friend like those friends like I can't I'm not a good friend on the road except with Anya and I told Lizzie this because Lizzie I think it's a little bit sad or has in the past that like

I leave because we were best friends from 2006 to 2009 too and then I moved to New York and we lost touch we were still friends but like every single day and then I don't know there's something about me out of sight out of mind it, but like every single day. And then I don't know, there's something about me out of sight, out of mind. It's not like they're out of mind, like I don't love them, but like it's hard for me to catch up on the phone, except the only one I've been able to do it with consistently is Anya.

And the reason I think it is, is because she makes a real effort to like reach out to me and leave me voice memos. And there also is, and I don't think Lizzie ever makes me feel bad or something, but there's like, if I don't get back to her, there's no hell to pay. You know, there's never going to be, I haven't talked to you in so long. Where have you been? There's never any consequence for not getting back to her. And I think we all need to extend that to our friends. Like if you are someone who guilts

people for not getting back to you, you are contributing to them not getting back to you. Because when you, when you are paralyzed about responding to someone or calling someone, part of the reason you don't get back to them is because you're feeling guilty that you have to answer for the fact that you didn't get back to them. And so what pushes you from getting back to them is not wanting to have to deal with that conversation. So then it just gets worse. So if you're someone who just forgives your friends and has a blank, like I have this with a lot of friends

of like, even last night with Kyle Dunn again, with David Spade, like I invited them to karaoke and they were like, maybe. And even Carlisle was like, I might go. And none of them ended up going and carlisle at first was like are you gonna be mad at me and i was like first of all you don't know me then if like you're not if you're still scared i'm gonna be mad at you for not going to this thing that like i kind of don't even want to go to i'm not doing my job as your friend to let you

know that you're safe and that i your your friendship to me is not conditional on whether you go to things with me like i will never i, I remember Amy Schumer, I'll never forget it. And I've extended it to all of my friends once said to me, Nikki, I will never, ever get mad at you for bailing on anything ever. You can bail at any time on anything ever, ever, ever you can. And I will never not be your friend. I will never be mad at you. And because Amy understands that when someone bails, it's not about her. Even if it is about her, even if I'm like, I don't want to hang out with Amy, let's say, it's not her. She's just being her. If my issue is like, I don't want to hang out with Amy because she's being a bitch to me or you know, whatever the reason would be, it's my fault for not confronting that. And it's, it's,

you know, you can't control how anyone is. And I'm just giving obviously just a example out of thin air. This isn't about anything specific, but I'm just saying like, we need to extend that to our friends because i think so many people don't realize that you push people away when you're judgmental when you give them shit about not calling like when just clean slate it like i love my aunt sally because she'll call and she'll write me and go like pick up your fucking phone or like please like she'll just call me incessantly and there is a fear that i have of her giving me shit. But anytime I actually end up calling her, she never gives me shit about it.

We just start talking. And it's not like this whole discussion. So if you're one of these people who like to guilt people for not getting back to you, you gotta drop that because it's pushing people away. It's pushing people away. If you're someone who, you know, I would extend this to any,

if you ever try to make people feel bad about what they're doing, you don't understand. I know what you're doing is you're trying to discourage that behavior. And you think that making them feel bad or letting them know you hurt me and I'm mad at you might discourage their behavior. I promise you it does the exact opposite and makes them do it again. Because when people don't get back to you, or people drink too much, or people are late for something, it's usually a addictive behavior that they're engaging in that makes them feel good in the moment. And we only do things that make us feel good in the moment when we're having anxiety. And why do you have anxiety when you think people are going to be mad at you?

So what do you search for? The thing that makes you feel better, which might be procrastinating, might be, you know, not getting back to not calling a person, taking a nap instead. It might be drinking. It might be smoking weed. You're doing things to self-soothe because you're feeling scared about the guilt you're going to have for doing those things. So people outside of your, like everyone needs to lay off of people and stop shaming and stop trying to make people feel bad because what you're doing is you're making those people do that thing even more i guarantee it so then how do you confront that how do you just say what you do makes me okay when you drink too much it makes me feel really uncomfortable and i understand that it's something you're doing not to hurt me but but it does hurt me. So I'm going to just need you to not, if you want to drink, I don't want to be around it and you can still

drink. I'm just not going to be around it. Um, you getting not, not getting back to me. I take it personally for some reason. Can we talk about why you don't get back to me so I can feel a little more safe in the fact that when you don't, or you need to go work on yourself and not make everything about other people and what they're doing to you. And you need to go search out a program that realizes like no one can make you feel a certain way, no matter what they're doing. You need to protect yourself from things that make you feel bad. You can't help it. They make you feel bad.

That's not your fault that someone not calling you back makes you feel bad, but you trying to make them feel bad about it is not ever the solution ever, ever, ever. It does not work when you make people feel bad about things and you try to get them to understand how much they fucked up. I promise you it never works and it will only lead them to do it more in the future. Maybe not the near future, but eventually. Because shame is what makes people do bad things. It's all about shame. It's about feeling bad, punishing yourself. And so it seems counterintuitive, but you got to forgive people or you got to just distance

yourself from them. The best way to show someone that you're not having their behavior is to say, hey, I'm going to take a step back because this is upsetting me. Not say you're upsetting me. Your behavior for whatever reason is triggering me. And I have to take a step back. Don't make it about them. You're a bad person. And you make me feel so sad. You just go like, whatever's going on with you. I totally got it. Stuff goes on with me too. But I, for some reason i can't handle this and i need to take a step back that's the way to handle it instead of make

trying to make them feel bad because i do that too where i try to like i want people to feel bad for what they've done shame um and it just doesn't work even though i constantly go to it in in certain circumstances but it doesn't work i know it doesn't work on me when people are mad at me man i fucking hate them i hate you when you're mad at me i hate not you like anyone who's mad at me because whatever they're mad at me for i'm i know i'm never trying to be a bad person and hurt you so whatever you're mad at me for it's something i can't help but do and so i'm like man this person just like is mad at me about something i couldn't help they're not understanding they

don't love me then fuck them bye and i like and i want to do that behavior even more and there's there's something to like okay you're mad at me but then you don't trust me enough to talk to me about why you're mad at me you're just you, you know what I mean? So then there's another, you just want to punish me, go send me to my room. I've never been sent to my room by my parents and been like, I'm not going to do that thing again. If anything, I just go fuck them. I guess I'll try to not get caught next time I do that thing. But I'm absolutely like, this is so irrational what they're doing. They're punishing me in a way for a thing I didn't even mean to do. Even if it's like I got caught stealing, I't mean to do that no one wants to be a thief

whatever compelled me to do it something's obviously going on with me that isn't just me wanting to steal but yeah i tried to shame taylor but i'm not i wasn't trying to shame taylor and say you're a bad person i said i just don't want you to get caught can you please look at inside yourself and like not do that like figure out why you're doing it and stop doing it you're not a bad person it's not about shaming anyone it's about i just don't want you to be in jail and have to like you know you know be in debt to lawyers because you got to go to fucking court because you stole back and tried it all right let's take a break and come back andrew every rose is a thorn.

Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else.

Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, we're back. What do you like better, soliloquy or monologue? Soliloquy. I feel like soliloquy is Shakespearean and monologue. I mean, I guess they're the same thing. There must be a difference.

Oh my God. Lizzie and I just got, or Lizzie, I will say discovered a new Mandela effect. Do you know the Mandela effect? Yeah. It's where you think something. Yeah. We talked about it.

It's been that way. Okay. So if you don't know, everyone does Google it and look it up and then come back to this, but I won't waste your time explaining what it is. Cause I expect you to know, but if you don't know, Google it. And then come back to this but i won't waste your time explaining what it is because i expect you to know but if you don't know google it and then so uh what do you think the word fuck what was the word um what do you think the word poignant means poignant you would think it's like um now what do you think not you you with one would think what do you think

it is what do i think poignant poignant to me i feel like it is like um meaningful like here's the the truth like poignant like on topic like this is what the this is what it is okay uh what do you think it means noah maybe like sharp yeah that's kind of what yeah like it's resonating more than something else like wow that got through yeah yeah like it's like i think like sharp or like very clear. No. This is a Mandela effect. Everyone thinks that's what poignant means, including myself. Poignant, me, I'm looking it up,

evoking a keen sense of sadness or regret. What? What? What? That is what poignant means. And it has been that the whole time. The whole time, Daniel. Wait, time out.

Yes, dude. Yes. The poignant response means a sad response. The poignant. It means it's evoking a keen sense of sadness or regret. Wild, right? He was very poignant. That really threw me. That point was, was i don't know i always feel like yeah i don't know nope oh it does not mean what we all think it means and it blew our fucking mind

you know nifty is short for magnificent oh that's pretty nifty oh that's cool that's a cool little like uh i learned that fun fact yeah where'd you learn that from tiktok one of those twitters like i was 35 years old when i learned nifty was oh yes yes yeah well i was 42 i was i was today years old people say yeah i mean there's words you know several i has been jumping out a lot lately and well it's a word that is used so much and several times it's it's used several thousand times a day and i understand we we've already talked about this extensively yes you are one of people see what what your mindset was about it but

it is so erroneous that no one actually maybe i'm you're sad about it you're evoking sadness well you know what that means dude nifty i mean I do now. What's been going on in St. Louis? I mean, you know, this weekend was fun. I played golf yesterday with another couple. It's funny when you get— Wait, were you with your girlfriend? Yeah, with Brenna and a friend from her work. So she plays golf with you?

No, her and her friend just ran and rode in the cart behind us while me and a new guy her work. So she plays golf with you? No, her and her friend just rode in the cart behind us while me and a new guy got together. We both were going on different dates. It was fun though. He was really cool. They were kind of like bizarro us.

She works with the other girl. So the guy is very they look very similar they have similar personalities and then me and this guy we could be the same like we're all within like these people you went to dinner with no a different couple last people you went to dinner with another couple we got to see pictures of these people i want to see what bizarro you looks like so we had fun i mean you know there were some uh white claws in the carts and uh you know it was just it was a silly time and it made me like

because i love golf i love my girlfriend i want to bring them together but she hates golf and so this was a way i could get my mandate i could get you know i could be in another man's arms so it worked out yeah it worked out a lot we had a lot of fun and then i smoked weed and i took one hit off this fucking electric pen i was so fucking stone like stupid stone just done like not that i haven't been that stone from especially from one hit it was a big hit but i was in the pool with my shirt off with my shirt on when i took it okay that explains it no no that was i had my shirt on before so i hit it and literally brenda smoked too and we were just we would just be in the house. It's funny when you're both high

and you're just, we're eating random things. She's in the bedroom. I'm on the couch and we're just like all we say to each other is like man, I'm high. And then the other friend's like, I'm high too. And then we just eat a sandwich. It's just like three hours

went by of nothingness. That's the least favorite person to get high with for me is the person that keeps saying how high they are. I just can't take it. I think when you both mushrooms with somebody like when people do a new drug, I just like it's, I know it's not good, but there's something about it. That's good to me. I'm like constantly saying you're high when you're high.

It's just like, then just be, just be be weird which we were commenting on it yes but i understand just like remember it like you forget you're high so every couple seconds you're remembering you are and it strikes you as like and it's it's an excuse for whatever weird behavior you're doing it was the first time man i'm high well it was funny because we were uh first time what of you and brenna being high together actually yeah in our relationship first time we've ever smoked weed together and we were we were stoned to the point where everything was funny like everything was silly like and uh they were going to say goodbye the the other couple. And me and Brenna were in our bedroom. And we couldn't walk out together without laughing in the guy's face while saying goodbye.

So it felt like we were going to go out. And she stayed on the floor in the closet. Wait, so you guys were all back at your apartment and you left them in the living room? Like for a second to just change and then they were leaving and we went in the bedroom for a second yeah i would too if the couple's place that i was at they went into the bedroom and just left us i'd go yeah this is probably our cue to leave too these two are giggling about us in the next room saying how high they are yeah you mean i'm in a killer time yeah it was funny it was it was a fun day that's so fun yeah yeah just a silly day just golfing have you seen the worst person in the world is that a movie aside from when you look

in the mirror no have you seen the movie the worst person in the world have you seen i love it i love an insult on a delay too because it's just like it hits me like five times i'm sorry it's such a funny have you obviously you haven't seen it you guys it's on hulu it is i'm looking at it right now it is the best movie i have ever no you can't give me the same joke i knew you were gonna do that too i knew there was gonna be some way that you work it back in like it's novel fucking poignant um so wait so what is it a movie good dude it is first of all the poster for it alone like just sucks you in like pull it up no i just like look at the poster and tell me you don't think this is probably going to be your favorite movie ever no i mean i i love i love i thought as soon as i

saw the poster i was like oh my god i'm gonna love this movie so freaking much it's kind of like my poster for good clean filth i love my poster so much for good clean filth like i've never seen anything i've done that i like more and i hope it gets people i think that i for the first time i have a poster that's gonna get people to watch the special like the colors oh yeah the name like i realize now like the name and all that stuff like matters so much because i thought there's no way this movie could live up to the poster because the poster is so good and just looks so up my alley like even calling a thing the worst person in the world it's a norwegian film and it gives me uh yeah that she's running in the

street yes yes that's what i think i think fleabag and it says at the top uh one of the quotes of one of the reviews says one of the best romantic films of recent times i couldn't agree more it was written by a man there are tons of people saying like you know there are tons of reviews saying it's not that good it's like such a you know it's from a man's perspective she's one dimensional she's zero dimensional i don't think i have ever related to a on onscreen character more in my life. And I'm almost, while watching it, I was offended that my friends who have seen it did not immediately write me during it saying, Nikki, this is you. But I also think that every woman who watches it feels this way, feels like it is them.

And so I don't think anyone thought of thinking of me for it because every woman is thinking like this is so me it's so good it is about a girl it's a tough title to send to someone like if if i saw a movie like man with small dick it smells like shit this movie is so you like the movie the title of it they have to like the worst person in the world this is so you right for them to say that it's i wouldn't take that as first of all it it's so because she the the title is based off of like one of the characters in it thinking they're the worst person in the world because of something they do and that is my like i think recently i've been doing a lot of work in therapy and like i just think I'm constantly when people get mad at me, I was talking about it before.

Like when people get mad at me or try to shame me or get upset with me and I've disappointed them, like I just go to write to, okay, I'm the worst person in the world. Then fucking leave me. Don't be friends with me anymore. Don't stop working with me.

Then I don't even want to work with you. Like, why are you working with someone that you hate so much clearly? Cause you just confronted me about this thing. Like I go right to that. Like anything I do that someone gets mad about i'm like well then i'm then then obviously i'm a sociopath who only likes myself if you're mad at me for this and you think that i purposely did this to hurt you then fucking leave me then don't be friends anymore let's

like get out of my life and i feel like that that really resonated with me but more than anything this movie is about a girl who like who cannot who doesn't know what she wants in life and at one there's i'm not giving anything away but she's like deciding on her like boyfriend really wants to have kids and she's like so do i but like not now and he's like okay so what needs to happen you're 30 like what do you want to do what do you want to get what do you want to do before you do you want to get? What do you want to do before you have kids? And she's like, I don't know. And that man, that was one of the reviews says like, why doesn't she know? Why that that's how little this man understands women is that he couldn't even find an answer for what she doesn't.

But I couldn't relate to anything more. I don't, I don't want kids yet. I might want them someday. I don't, I just am not ready for them yet. Why Nikki? What do you want to do? What haven't you done yet that kids would hold you back from. I don't, I just am not ready for them yet. Why Nikki? What do you want to do? What haven't you done yet? That kids would hold you back from? I don't know. I don't know why I want certain things and why I don't. Sometimes I change my mind within five minutes and I don't know why. And this girl constantly changes her mind. One second, she's totally

into this one thing. The next second she's into another thing. Then she changes this career. Like she, and I think there's something wrong with me. Like I am so, I changed my mind so quickly, but it's not because I'm like lying when I say one thing. And then the next day I changed my mind the day before I really did mean that thing. I've just changed my mind. And I think that some people can't understand people like me that do that. And I just, I'm not consistent and I'm not choosing to not be consistent because I'm like, yeah, I want to just lie to everyone. I really do feel one way one day and not one way the next day. Hourly it changes for me. An hour ago, I was like so depressed. Right now, not depressed and have a much better outlook on life having much different opinions about things i don't understand why people can be how do people stay so consistent

and i get i get people get mad at me all the time because i change my mind about things i change my opinion about things you know i could read an article today that makes me think this movie is totally terrible and it'll open my eyes to a thing i didn't see before it's not like i it's not like i was lying when i liked it i just didn't see the truth and then something like people i think are not i'm not saying like i don't have a problem with changing my mind it's a little bit of the people pleaser in me that maybe i just like kind of glom onto other people's ideas, but I'm not doing it for some like nefarious purpose of like, I want this person to like me. It's like, I just feel like sometimes people are so stuck in their ways that they don't even, I like the fact that I can change my mind

about things. I think that's a positive quality, but I feel like I get punished for it more often than not of like, I want to write a book. Okay. I started writing a book and I fucking hate this process. I don't want to write a fucking book anymore, but you said you wanted to. Yeah. But I changed my mind. I don't know what. So I have to now write a book just because I said once before wanted to write a book. I, you know, even becoming a standup comedian, I chose this career when I was 18 years old. That is pretty much a child. If I decide now that I don't want to do it anymore, even though I'm great at it, that should be allowed. That shouldn't be like, what are you doing? You're crazy. People should be able to change their mind, even about romantic relationships,

personal relationships, the way they like to dress, the way they like to sing. Me and Aria didn't get into it the other day, but I think we really connected with about the other day is that she's struggling. Aria who's transgendered of female transgendered woman. She is struggling that when she first learned to sing, she's a choir director. She was, she was identified as a gay man. And so her voice was like a lower register and that was her voice and she perfected it because she like sang for years and years with that voice but she now that she is a woman she is like i don't really i don't want to sing like that anymore i want to sing in a higher register but she feels my light just went out she feels like a fraud she feels like when people hear

her put on this new voice that she is that everyone's gonna i was like what's your biggest fear i was like is your biggest fear that someone you work with is gonna talk about you on the way home and be like i don't know choir righteous was good but aria is like trying this new voice and it's just like so sad and desperate like that's my biggest fear is that to like sing in the way like that might sound a little bit affected like we're all so scared of i'm scared of like even you know like you getting a mustache you're like oh that's like you trying you know like you try you're trying a new look you're trying to look cool in a new way and there's something inherently embarrassing about that. Why,

why do we all get embarrassed when we're trying to be something different than what comes naturally? Let's say, well, I guess part of it is, is that I'll, I, I, I judge things.

So it's like, if I'm judging it, then someone else must be judging it too. Yeah. You know? Yes. And nine times out of 10, though, I could be, I, huh? What's that? it's like if i'm judging it then someone else must be judging it too yeah you know yes and nine times out of ten though i could be i huh what's that it starts with one thing when you

judge others it's always gonna come from you and not them yeah it's always like you project what other people are gonna say about you and the only reason you would ever think other people are gonna say that about you is because i'm already thinking about other people yeah yeah yeah but here's the thing even if i think about someone else it never really affects my way of how i or at least i try not to of how i see them or how i like if i think they're a try hard or they're trying to do something different like yeah i could call it out sometimes no no it does affect the way you see them i know it does we we talk so much shit about people who are trying to be good and like it makes us like kind of hate them a little bit it does affect the way i think yes i think it's a i think it's a i

know but i think i can i my point is is if it's hopefully i can differentiate someone that just has a mustache for just reasons of like oh they're just enjoying this look it's kind of silly as opposed to someone being cut like i think i'm i'm saying though like if i'm being hard on myself about something is it deserving of being hard on myself for like you know is that i'm trying i'm trying to how do i put this i understand even when i mean i've even said it when people are trying to be cut it's just like you can still just be like they're just sad like they're just trying to get love like there's nothing wrong with them there's what's wrong is ascribing like they're a bad person or like they're so lame or there's something wrong with them for doing that like really they're just trying their best and that's how i feel about other people when like

but usually i get jealous of anyone who like i make fun of halsey's voice and i make fun of you know anyone who tries like a new look i'll make fun of them because to me it convinces me then i'm i'm reinforcing why i don't try new things because i'm really actually just jealous that they're able to try something that's kind of scary to me to like try an effective voice or like lean into like last night i was having to perform karaoke in front of a bunch of people i didn't know and everyone just like stands and like sits and watches you out of respect and a lot of these people are like you know these girls that are like professionally trained have like amazing american idol voices and i was i got there and i was like oh fuck and i was like you know what like all i have to do is just have fun as

long as i'm just doing what i want to do and i'm not doing it for anyone else like i'm just so if i want to make my voice sound a certain way it doesn't have have to be about like, I, it doesn't have to, I, my biggest fear is that people think that I'm trying to get attention or that I'm trying to look cool when really a lot of times it might look like I'm trying to look cool. Like I was talking to these guys, less,

uh, Ben Glebe and Jeffrey Bollinger. He, this comic, Jeffrey drove us back home and each to our, uh, that he drove us back to my hotel and we were um talking about like uh like i was talking about how like i would like to do porn someday but i can't because i just don't want to be sexualized i don't want to do meet and greets

and have like men being like you like getting boners it like really makes me feel unsafe but i would like to do porn because i like the idea of i don't know being an entertaining i like the idea of like i wouldn't mind guys getting turned on by me in the privacy of their own bedrooms but i don't want to like see it i don't want to be confronted with it so if i ever did porn i would want to do it like with a mask on so no one would know it was me but at the same time i would like to also make millions of dollars from doing it because no one has ever done porn that at the height of their career no one's just like gone and been like i'm not a porn star but i'm just gonna be one when when you know it usually happens when there's

like a downfall right so like i can make millions of dollars doing one porn if i put a paywall over it for like 20 bucks the way louis ck does for a special, if I shot one porn, I could make literally millions of dollars in one night and retire. I really could. Like, I know that I could. I would be completely giving up my entire career to do that because no one works with you after you've done porn. You can't go back. They won't let you back in. But I was talking about this and Ben was like, well, then I don't

have to, I don't know judgment, but why do you dress like you dress very sexy on stage? Like I look at your pictures and like you, you really lean into like, you look very titillating on pictures on stage. And I'm like, that's not me trying to be sexy. That actually just happens to be the way I want to dress. I like pictures of women. I like style that makes you look sexy. It's not because I like it because men, I want to make men horny. That's the way I want to dress. It just so happens to be the same style of dress that men would like to see from me as well, but it doesn't mean I'm doing it for them. I really am doing it for me. So you can do something that is making you look cooler, but it doesn't mean I'm doing it for them. I really am doing it for me. So you can

do something that is making you look cooler, but is truly just for you and is not really about wanting to look cool to someone else. But oftentimes it can be a little bit of both. So you can want to have a mustache because you want people to think you look cool, but you can also do it because you want to have a fucking mustache. And I can wear a skirt because I want people to go, wow, she's got nice legs. but i also just think it looks good because i do have nice legs like can't both be true and does that make me a bad person if i want to make people get people to like me in some way that is um a little bit shallow i don't know no i just think like getting someone getting a male fan to like you without wanting to fuck you while looking good it's just such a blended thing to like try to get a result

without getting the other thing you know what i mean so yeah i don't want male comic fans to be horny for me i really that is not part of it i really truly dress on stage the way i want to because i like the way dualipa dresses i like the way taylor swift dresses i want to be a pop star it's for me the fact that they're horny for it is just that's not under my control and i don't care and i don't actually care if they're just and eventually yeah they might be horny the first four minutes i'm on stage but after a while they have to maybe get over it and start listening. And I feel like they do. So I just, I'm not ever going to not wear what I want to wear because I'm scared about turning on a guy. That is not in my interest. It is what they did in my middle school. They said we couldn't wear tank tops because we were distracting the boys. It was our fault.

The boys were suffering, their grades were suffering and we have to change the way we dress go fuck yourself you get over it you adapt to seeing our arms you little premature like you fucking little prepubescent boys like that was the mass singer for porn what oh yeah it's your favorite porn they do that show yeah yeah that was the pitch that nikki just gave essentially yeah like i want to make money that's what i'm saying yeah i really could make millions of dollars what do you guys think i could make if i put a paywall of 20 20 dollars to download something that yes people will torrent it and share it online but to get like the real version 20 bucks if i did an only fans and there's just one video if what's her name bella thorne made like 52 million dollars how much could i make for one gangbang video because it's really unprecedented tell me one other person who has never done porn and who has achieved a level of success that i have achieved

without doing porn without really doing anything sexual and then has achieved a level of success that I have achieved without doing porn, without really doing anything sexual, and then all of a sudden goes into porn one time. It's unprecedented. That only happens when your career has hit a slump. What? Pam and Tommy, that was against her will. That was not...

Oh, okay. A leak is a different thing. How much did Paris Hilton get when she put out? That was a leak is a different thing a leak i can what should paris own get a pretend put out that guy put it out that was not that was a leak as well she did not want yeah no these are all leaks yeah no i'm just trying to think i'm trying to think of a leak you can make if you pretend it's a leak no i'm not good but i'm not a liar so i wouldn't do that i'm talking about i put out a porn and advertise it as i have a porn I'm doing one time only and I'm never going back to it but you know it'd be really funny you know be really funny if you

get it tell us what's gonna be funny after we get back from break tell us what's gonna be funny okay save that thought we'll be right back John Stewart is back at the Daily Show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with the daily show ears edition podcast dive into john's unique take on the biggest topics in politics entertainment sports and more joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors and with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else ready to laugh and stay informed listen on the iHeartRadio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts all right we're back what's really

funny uh farts you're right they are there's a great fart moment in the best the worst person in the world you guys have got to see it please please please i will watch it tonight i really hulu hulu it's worth a subscription oh and also f boy island uh it premieres tomorrow wednesday tonight at midnight f boy island hbo max your last special you put out you just do it you self-promote it you self-do it and you put out a porn too and that's the comp you compete against yourself if you make more money in stand-up or in the porn 100 you make more i'm not kidding you i if i put out a porn i'm not kidding you i could make

i think three million i would say 10 million dollars overnight i really do think that i don't i i i i a hundred percent i think more like and that that's just like the first week i would make 10 million i think that no one i maybe i'd wait another year till i get a little bit more famous and i give little less shits but i love porn i watch enough of it that i think that i could do a really good video my only problem is i don't want people being sexual with me in person i'm really uncomfortable with that and so i i don't think i could ever do it i know but i don't want to spend all my money on that like what's the point of doing it then then there goes my 10 grand or what is the number where you would do it? Like, what is the number? Like,

so these guys, PGA pros, I don't think there is a number. I don't think there's a number because I, I really don't think there is one. Cause I think my life would be because of 100 million, 100 million, 100 million.

I don't do a porn. Honestly. No, I don't. I, I'm talking a billion dollars. You couldn't, I don't think I could do it, but this is something you want to do. So you just want to do it in a vacuum. I get what a billion dollars. You couldn't, I don't think I could do it, but this is something you want to do.

So you just want to do it in a vacuum. I get what you're saying. I want to do it, but I cannot do it because it would, I would never be able to go on the tonight show again. I would never be able to work in Dayton, Ohio again, because I had done porn.

I wouldn't, my family would never look at me the same way again. My boyfriend's family would never look like there's a stigma attached to it which should not be attached to it because everyone fucking watches porn and it's like this huge thing in our society that no one talks about doing even though everyone watches it and not everyone but most people um but i i wouldn't do it because we just i think the day in ohio thing and i think that in with the way things are going with roe v wade i honestly think that you could be uh persecuted prosecuted and persecuted for doing in in the next couple years with the way legislation is going to like punish women for being whores i think so i think that i i would risk jail time in a in a world where if china

takes over or something i don't know like i i do think that there would would risk jail time in a in a world where if china takes over or something i don't know like i i do think that there would be consequences not just social but actually like legal to me doing porn and that's why i think the world with only fans nowadays like that's i i think well if you took out the rovers way thing obviously that just happened but before that i feel like people are way more open sexually. And I think, I honestly think if you put out a porn, I'm not just fucking around. You would,

you could still do, I think 50% of what you're already doing. I really think you could do a hundred percent. Now it would make me so sad to be barred from 50% of the things that I want to do. Like it makes me so mad that that girl that was on Bert Kreischer's tour couldn't work't work at that one dayton club or dayton theater and and and i wasn't even on that really that happened i didn't know that what's that story oh yeah she we were she told me that on burt kreischer's tour yeah they did dayton and she is a dj now she's retired from porn but because she's done porn in the past and they googled her they refused to let her perform in date okay gotcha like a whole city or just that theater just that theater or whatever

the theater that theater refused to let her perform which who knows what you're saying is that yeah you you want to do porn obviously but like the reason why you can't do it is because of it's the things that you can't control like you can't control how your family responds to it you can't control how people will respond to it how the industry like the entertainment industry responds to it but it's not the point itself that no no i love it i respect porn stars i love them i just don't know if everyone had my mentality about porn stars i would do it in a second because i do not sexualize them. I'm not like they're bad people. They're worse than us. They're sad. They have daddy issues. They're drug addicts. Yes. There's a lot of that in porn, but there's a lot of that in fucking actors and actresses too. But I even saying that I would do porn. My parents, I said that on my reality show

and my parents were like, you need to tell E to take that out. We don't even want you saying that you would do porn that's too embarrassing and that can come back to haunt you like seriously this this is stigmatized even saying i want to do porn and that i would like to do it is is kind of a risk and i'm not joking it is like there's a part of me that's like do i even want to be safe everything yeah we just change it to corn i just want a corn i want corn i just want corn i want to be in the i want to be in the band corn i yeah i it depends on what you want from your career i just really feel that like you're you're a comic that's a dirty comic you do a lot of things on your own

without the industry like you couldn't put on you could you could sell out an audience on your own you'd i just i i think you would maybe lose out on maybe doing like an mbc show maybe but i don't know like here's liberated woman does porn on top of her career i honestly think you might get rewarded more than you even think a hundred percent i would lose i would get blacklisted from there there there is no you don't think conan would have you on his podcast if you did a porn if you're still being a comic not if it's one thing if you're like well i'm a porn star now fuck everything else conan would conan would bill maher would um i don't think i could uh guest host j, Bill Marwood. I don't think I could guest host Jimmy Kimmel. I don't think that I could be on The Talk. I don't think I could be on The View.

I don't think I could be on The Today Show. I don't think, and I also, it's not so much, I don't think I could audition for movies. I don't think I could be on an ABC sitcom, an NBC sitcom. I don't think that, and I also think that everyone would think i was doing it because i want to be sexy and so everyone would be kind of like judgmental and think i'm like

uh like and and i would get uh slut shamed and by the entire world i feel like by what a fuck you to everyone that free yeah but i'm not i'm not uh that's why i admire porn stars they don't give a fuck what people think because they are subject to all yeah but a'm not i'm not uh that's why i admire porn stars they don't give a fuck what people think because they are subject to all yeah but a lot of them don't have an option you have an option it's almost even a bigger fuck you that you actually have a career and that you have an option to be a stand-up comedian a lot of them a lot of porn stars can't go out i still get people saying nikki you're a comedian stop trying to be hot on stage when i wear like short skirts can you imagine what they'd say if i tried to do porn that's what i'm

saying that's why it's an even bigger fuck you that's my point but i'm not strong enough to handle that no i couldn't i couldn't either yeah i mean i could barely have a mustache for a week yeah i couldn't handle it and i also my biggest thing is like i would not want men i wouldn't want to see men who had like gotten but here's the thing men already are like that with you no like like men have imaginations like men but the level of disgust that people that how they talk treat women who have they've seen fuck on camera is different than hearing a woman talk about fucking like i get a lot of it because i am pornographic in my material but i i don't think we even understand how much women in porn get that

thrown at them i saw porn last night that i can't i i really think that porn is ruined for me now i'm not even joking you i saw something that was so what's she doing stand up oh my god so the porn end okay and i never watched the end i never watched like but for some reason they like show the cleanup she's like washing off her makeup she just got a bunch of cum on her face yeah she's wiping it off and the guys are all like you did so great and the cameraman's like how was that for you and she's like it was good it was good i'm good and she's just like wiping off her face and kind of like wanting to get out of there. And the guys are all like, we fucking killed that.

Like she was amazing. And they just like, are like talking, like they're kind of just like all trying to be comics. Essentially. They're like, they're trying to be funny and just like, you know,

off the cuff. And the, one of the guys goes, man, I was, I was surprised. I didn't know that was going to be a DP. And she goes,

I didn't either. It wasn't supposed to be. And I cannot believe they aired it. She goes, she's wiping off her face. She goes, it wasn't supposed to be. I didn't know it was either. And that just solidified it for me. I know for a fact in porn that these girls, they sign up for something.

And then things start to happen during the filming that they did not sign up for that wasn't part of their contract. But they just want to be amenable. They don't want to be the girl that stops down production and everyone has to stop and they have to call in an HR person. And it was just the saddest thing. I bookmarked it because I really want an investigation. I feel like this girl could sue for what she went through because she goes, it wasn't part of the shoot. And all of a sudden she is being double penetrated when she didn't think that

was going to happen. Are you sure it's not scripted? It's a hundred percent not scripted. Dude, I'll send it to you. Because like, why would they keep it in is, is my reason.

Because they're stupid because they're stupid. Yeah. And because she ultimately says it was fun, you know, that doesn't matter, you know, but, but people could use that against her and say, well, you said you had fun. That doesn't matter you know but but people could use that

against her and say well you said you had fun that doesn't mean anything like i i don't care like if i'm if i'm booked to work a gig and it's supposed to do 20 minutes and i end up doing an hour because they're like will you please do an hour and i do the hour just to be nice that doesn't mean that i like and even if i have fun that hour of comedy it doesn't mean that i shouldn't be paid for that extra work and she even jokes uh i should get paid more and they just laugh it off so i honestly want to like report this video i'm so fucking mad about it final thought let's do some reddit dump shall we andrew your mouth sounds karaoke mode oh you can hear them this is your reddit

i forgot my gatorade okay so this is a reddit um subreddit called shitty life pro tips because there's a subreddit called life pro tips that's just like actually helpful things and this one is just like bad life advice that seems like it would be good. And this one really made me laugh. It said, shitty life pro tip. If you're going out into the desert, make sure to take sandpaper with you. If you get lost, the sandpaper will function as a map and you can find your way home. That's funny. Like the sandpaper is a tiny map of the sand. Oh, that's good. Okay. This is from thanks. I hate it.

T H I H T H T I H I. Thanks. I hate it. It's just things that are like, make you go. And this says, this is a tweet from a guy named U E Bullocks. When I was a kid, I thought the long vampire fangs were hollow and had holes in the end and they drank blood through them like straws and then every single comment in this reddit is so did i everyone thought that right you asshole no sharp teeth i i did think that i did think yeah everyone thought

i don't think they bite it and then drink it, you know? Right, but that's what they do. They bite it and then they go, and they suck it. But I always just thought it was straws because they kind of come down like straws, right? Yeah, and injecting it right into your gum seems more desirable than drinking blood for some reason. Like, it just seems easier. Yeah, but the fact that teeth are straws is really disgusting but i think that's like what snake venom comes out of they're almost like little holes in them i get it i could eat steak through these okay uh this is from a uh

the subreddit me irl and it's from it's a tweet from bobby condon it says whenever i see an ipad at a cash register i know that i'm about to tip for something i never had to tip for before yeah it's so hard to go no tip on those things i always i always just 20 it i always do i think recent one time i didn't recently because i was just like, fuck this. But generally, I just do it. You know why? Because it's so dramatic when they take the iPad and they go like this. They spin it around. They spin it around.

So it's like a whole performance. And then you can't go, no tip, and then go, and then bring it back. Oh, yeah. They're almost like those guys with those spinning signs out on the sidewalk. Yeah. What are you, not going to honk? Last night, Spade was talking about he was buying something and it was like 492 and they were like do you want to round up for ukraine and he goes no he just doesn't fit about because he goes why

where does it really go like what are we talking about and spade is so generous when it comes to charity stuff he's done and he's not public about it but he uh but i will be on his behalf but he was like and he's like everyone in line is like david spade doesn't round up for ukraine and it was just like this it was such a funny bit but he goes what does it go to and it really is a tax write-off for those places like yes i'm sure it does go to ukraine but really no companies are ever doing anything actually good no corporations are ever doing anything actually good. No corporations are ever doing anything that doesn't serve their bottom line. Don't ever think they are.

If they're ever doing anything for charity, it is either for marketing purposes or for a tax write-off. They don't actually care about anything. Major corporations. It's so funny, though. Don't be fooled. It's funny when they ask,

and it's like 208, and they want you to round up. It's like, you want me to round up 92? That's not a roundup. You know what I mean? That's a very high roundup. Yeah, that's a dollar. Yeah, that's a big round.

That's funnier that it's 8 cents, actually, that he decided not to. Yeah, that's even funnier. It's like, no, not going to. No, 8 cents? No. $4.99? No. David Spade won't round up for Ukraine.

It's just so funny to then make that a thing yeah it's funny um so uh this is from ask reddit these are just questions that people pose with interesting answers what's something you're 100 sure that most people are lying about and someone said crop yields this is the number one upvoted thing. 9,400 upvotes. Crop yields. It's expected that, this is a farmer that's writing this. It's expected that every farmer you talk to will lie about how well their crops did. When you meet an honest one who tells you their actual yields, it's a really awkward conversation because you're taken back by the fact that you don't have to apply the bullshit factor to figure out what his yields really were. I wouldn't know that.

That's pretty interesting. Someone said, the dentist asking how often do you floss me avoiding eye contact uh i think it was a week ago um how much their side hustle nests them nets them people lie about the amount of money they make on their side hustle um someone said uh they lie about any plans for the weekend. Um, people's real answer. I'm going to get baked, jerk off,

then sit in the shower and think about what sort of person I am, what fucked me up and what I can do about it going forward. And instead you say, Oh, you know, probably just relax. It's not the same thing. Yeah.

Um, someone said as a prior prior us service member, I believe I've met every single navy seal that's ever existed and then an extra 500 or so plus everyone that thought about going into the military um someone said steroid abuse in the fitness industry um what's something you think everyone lies about how many i think guys how many sexual sexual partners both really yeah guys lie about how many i think people lie about their height men lie about their height obviously they always round up one or two inches um i'm trying to think of something I chronically lie about. And I would say it's maybe the amount of sleep I got.

Like I always think I err on the side of maybe a half hour. I give, I take off a half hour to make it sound worse, but I don't even, I at least try to not lie about that. I lie about how long I'm going to go to the golfing range. Just a little lie, but you know how long it is and you know that you're lying

or you just think that you actually won't go that much because that's a different thing. It's not like it's like usually the difference between a half hour. So it's like if I was going to go for an hour, I don't know, an hour sounds less than an hour and 25 minutes. You know what I mean? Yes. I'll be gone an hour.

Actually, probably an hour 25 because I'm going to get another bucket. You know what I think I lie about? Two seconds. When I say it'll be two seconds. It's never two seconds. It's literally never been two seconds. It takes me two seconds to say it'll be two seconds. So that is a chronic lie.

Well, a guy coming in two seconds, it's fucking at least six seconds. That people pick their nose. People lie about that, someone said. Everyone must pick their nose. How the fuck do you get it out? You blow your nose into a tissue every time? Who are you? Brenna called me picking my nose for the first time.

Kate Middleton? Really? Yeah, it's tough. I don't know why. How did she? She never looked at you? Every time I look at you, you're digging at something in your face. No offense.

I didn't even know. Picking your nose. I pick it all the time. I am almost like I just do it in public. You don't really get in there, though. look at you you're digging at something in your face no offense i didn't even know picking your nose i i pick it all the time i am almost you don't really get in there though oh yes i do yeah if you haven't seen me pick my nose you ain't paying attention because i pick my nose all the time like there's always something up there oh yeah i know you do the thumb a lot yeah you do yeah this well what's wrong with that why are we so ashamed of what i don't know and boogers really are just like dust it's not anything that i mean it's not too but it's like it's not that gross but i mean i was digging i guess how far you dig you know i don't know why

that matters oh i don't know why any of it matters yeah no it shouldn't but she was in the showers i was it was like one of those where you've lost your whole train of thought. Like you've just become an animal. Right, right. Oh, man. There's no one inside anymore. You're actually trying to dig that person out. There ain't anyone in there.

All right, guys. Thank you for listening to the show. We got to go. We will be back tomorrow, Wednesday. I hope you have such a good Tuesday. And please don't be cut. And Jackie Mason. The fact that you're in St. Louis and it's on a delay makes it almost seem like we said that at the same time.

But I definitely know that not to be true. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show. And he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.