The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #250 Bowing Up

Episode Date: July 28, 2022

Nikki's new mic cover stinks and almost makes Andrew puke. Conflict of interest might not be worth it but figuring out if Peter Park is an Fboy totally is! Andrew says he can beat Garret from FBoy Island up. Nikki knows the exact moment she knew that she was not gay. Neil deGrasse Tyson wanted to meet Nikki on the street and she has video evidence. Before getting into the news about massage parlors and snacks from childhood they discuss raw dogging during sex. Andrew shares a long succinct short story in his segment about a fight on the golf course.    Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Get Pod Merch: Podshop.NikkiGlaser.com   Nikki's Tour Dates: www.nikkiglaser.com/tour Andrew's Tour Dates: www.andrewcollincomedy.com   More Nikki: IG More Andrew: IG  More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. Welcome to the show. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast.

I just realized that this thing that I hung on the wall fell at some point. So there's just like a blank spot on the wall. There's a blank space, baby. And it's behind my head. Can you see me with the background? I mean, it really is blending in. You are like wearing the green screen of shirts. Because the wall you're against is yellow.

And then your shirt is the exact same color. New shirt? No, just, you know. Just never bold enough to wear it on air? Yeah. He's right. It has to be colors. Yeah, it's scary to wear colors for boys.

Yeah, depending on the color, but I really don't give a shit anymore. It doesn't, it's just, I don't know. I like the mustard. Oh, God. This mic thing that I just put on smells like poop. Like literal poop. I can't.

I don't know. Is it wet? No. I mean. Really? And it looked dirty. I mean, it's from Amazon, so it's not like I can really do anything about it. It's probably poop from people.

It's bad, right? Dude, I'm not joking it. That's bad, dude. It's probably poop from people that... It's bad, right? Dude, that, like... I'm not joking here. It's like on my hands. It's poop. So I got these new mic covers that are... I got pink mic covers. Look at Andrew's online.

It's bright and beautiful. And then the one that I just... I mean, I took it off because it smelled like poop, but it was not as bright. Why does it smell like that? Like someone wiped their ass with it? I know. Like French. We were just watching Nathan For You the other day

because I was telling- The movie or the new show? Not the new one. I was watching Nathan For You, like his first show at Comedy Central, which I think is one of the funniest things ever. You watched that, right? Love it.

It's so good. And I'm literally just started watching his new thing today. I haven't watched the rehearsal. Yeah. I haven't watched that yet, but the first episode is the one where he's trying to make a new yogurt shop. He's trying to go in and improve their business. So if you haven't seen the show, Nathan, for you, it's kind of like The Prophet.

If you know that show on MSNBC, which is one of my favorite shows ever, Marcus Limonis on that show goes into companies and he invests in them and gets equity in the company. And then he totally revamps it. And he's, he's about the three Ps people, product and process. And we would always add a fourth and say pussy, but he wouldn't appreciate that. Cause he's a good man,

man. I love Marcus. The good man can't like pussy. He loves you. I see him liking a lot of your posts and stuff. He's yeah. Well, I was such a fan of his. And then for some reason he found out I was a fan of his, and then he became a lot of your posts and stuff. Yeah, well, I was such a fan of his.

And then for some reason, he found out I was a fan of his. And then he became a fan of mine. He almost came to see us at one of our shows on the road. I think in Florida, he has a home there. He started Camping Worlds. That's who he is. If you've never seen The Prophet on MSNBC, it is such a touching show. And why I love Marcus Limonis is that he he cares about people like

he'll go in and like just completely um it'll be like a father sub business and there'll be just like they've not talked in years and they've never hugged and they've you know and he just gets in there and he like has them connect he he just is like really emotionally like he's emotionally focused but also completely business minded and always doing the right thing and never budging on like no I want 51% of the and they're like I will not give you 51% of my pie business and he's just like well then your

business is gonna fail because I'm gonna save it and he does good for the people but he also wants to make a profit because his name is the profit which is a great name for a show because it's like a profit as in like P-R-O-P-H. Double it up. Yeah.

Yeah. Mannerisms. And so, hammerisms. One episode. So he, but on one episode, I love it so much. He goes into this like, I don't know if it was like a, it's like a kayaking company or something. They like make kayaks or like water sport boards or something like that and the guys were the kiss because ever one of them's like a radio dj who like talks like this

it is one of those like morning zoo guys but he's like misogynist like morning zoo you're like if a kayak could talk it would sound yes yes a seadoo if a seadoo wasient. It would be this idiot. Hey, back off, Sea-Doo's dude. Come on. Well, yeah, that was a little bit. Sea-Don't. Sea-Don't. Come on, please. Left turn. So left turn on a Sea-Doo into a manatee.

Barrel roll. Barrel roll. Stuck in a mangrove. Get arrested. Call 411. David's stripper. Ham drips all over. soak um so he he's sitting there with this and by the way the production that goes into these places like he has a whole

production team so they fly to this place and they do a whole wait are we doing the profit or yeah nathan for you is coming next okay i was worried that we were they fly into this air like so i just i've watched that show a lot actually so you know so much goes into even before they start he walks in the doors like they i i discovered this place who wrote to me he kind of talks like this and they're looking for uh four hundred thousand dollars for 38% of... It feels like Shark Tank with heart. Exactly. Yes. So like... Dolphin tank.

Yeah, dolphin. Are dolphins have heart? Seal. Yeah, dolphins fuck, dude. Well, I don't know if they have heart. They're just horny. I don't know if they have heart, though. They like to do that.

You ever hear that joke? How do you? How do you? Fuck. Dolphin sex, yeah. Oh, yeah. yeah oh yeah it's like you try to put it in her butt or something yeah i don't know where that's from it's from my special coming out to you on vimeo so he went he goes to this one place and they've put i just know they put so much money into already getting there and everything. And it's a whole episode. I mean, it's an hour long that they devote to like one company. And sometimes they split it to different companies per episode, depending on how much footage they get.

But he gets in and he's sitting across from this guy. And this guy's like, they're just meeting for the first time. And he says something about women. Like he's like, yeah, they're just, you know. He was like, I listen to your radio show and i think it's a little misogynist he's like well yeah because women are holes or he says something gross about women and marcus just goes i think he said well we're done here we're done there's no negotiating there was no like let's make this work done like the second he heard this guy was a misogynist and just said something gross, he was freaking done.

And the other night, my dad did the same thing. My dad told me yesterday that he went to, he was like hanging out after tennis with like people that he plays tennis with. And of course, my dad brought up the January 6th hearings. And he was like, I'm looking forward to watching those. And he was just trying. I know he doesn't agree politically with everyone in his group. And he knows that too. And I was just like, Dad, why would you bring that up?

But because he is looking forward to it. Game point, maybe. Get in their heads. Love. Yeah. 30. I don't know anything about tennis. You know everything.

Love is there. Come on. Don't sell yourself short. I know that they do that when they hit things. Seems like too much. You think some of them are hot. You saw- Tsitsipas.

Is that the one that's hot? I just love that T in his name. Yeah, he's fun. And so my dad said, I'm excited about these January 6th hearings. And of course, one of the guys was like, that's a bunch of bullshit. It's a clown show and blah, blah, blah.

And he said the thing about, my dad told me yesterday, the guy was like, Nancy Pelosi is a fucking vampire, just old bitch woman. And he was like, if I would have been there, I would take a shit on her desk. And my dad said something about, what do you think about the insurrectionists taking, like, smearing feces everywhere? Is that something you support?

And they were like, well, if I was there, I would have taken a shit on Pelosi's desk. And my dad just got in his face and goes, well fuck you fuck you and left and almost got in a fight damn it was like scary to even see my dad get that mad wait you saw it no my dad like reenacted it for me and i was like yeah so is he investing or no did he buy the tennis yeah no that's fucking when you i have friends that i know don't so you know you're gonna you're not gonna get what you want that's what when he said i brought up the january 6th and i go oh did they change their mind dad are they on your side now is that what happened um all right do they see things your way yeah you know what i'll pick

the shit up he just can't help himself and um but he just like, then fuck! He got so mad. And my dad rarely loses his temper, and he said that he was in his car just adrenaline pumping. Like he wanted to storm something? That's stress so angry. Yeah, for sure. You're putting stress, like your heart is racing and stuff. That is not

good. Healthy. Not good. I know. It's not worth it. Probably felt alive, though. worth it probably felt alive worth it not yeah well if he needs me to fight tell ej you could always fucking text me and i'll call someone else what would be your move to fight someone hit him with a golf club yeah he's one of the ones are you foreshadowing noah maybe uh elan i i mean i could throw hands. Yeah. I mean, I could really knock someone out. It's like I could knock a lot of people out. Probably 70% of people I could beat up pretty easily,

especially an old man. Yeah. What about Garrett, if you would have been Peter Park? Oh, good question. If I threw the first punch, I think I could hold my own with Garrett. But he's a strong – he's a big dude. How tall is Garrett compared to you? Garrett's like 6'3". Probably 6'4". Yeah, he's giant. And he's a strong he's a big dude how tall is Garrett compared to you Garrett's like

6'3 probably 6'4 yeah he's and he's athletic he played college football you were right Noah when you said he should do WWE

oh my god he does amazing the part of it if he put on another honestly he'd probably put on

another 20 pounds of muscle yeah but he could easily do that but he has the face of a villain oh my god god does he have a villain face. He looks like the diehard villain guy.

Is that right? Or Drago. Yeah, yes, yes. Any blonde-haired dickhead. Yeah. But nice guy. He is a nice guy. I like him.

I know. I mean, he's an F-boy, but he is a nice guy as well. I almost partied with him when we were in Mexico. Yeah. I'm sure I would've had a ball. I mean, he's insane.

And there's just something about the F-boys,, I got to say, that makes me like them almost more than the nice guys. Because they're honest. Because they're honest. I just like, there's someone that, saying you're a piece of shit, is like kind of, there's something, okay, well, thanks for letting me know. Also, they get rewarded for it.

Why would you stop? That's the thing of the show. You know what I mean, though? Someone was saying, why would they ever pick an F-Boy? And I was like, they were like, the point of the show is you know what i mean though why would they ever pick an f boy and i was like they were like if the point of the game is like getting the most like if you want to get the money then why would you pick an f boy i'm like because they're attractive like that's that's the dilemma here is that we can't stop being attracted to guys that we know are bad for us it's what is the allure there but what is the allure low self-esteem women have low

most people have low self-esteem. And I know, Noah's laughing. I love how you just like, went right into it. 100% low self-esteem. You would never want someone who didn't want you, or seem to be like,

not trusting, or not to be trusted, or seemed like he was maybe gonna have a lingering eye. You would never be attracted to that, if you didn't feel like you actually didn't deserve love. Is the thought though, that they could actually fuck better than a nice guy like does that go through your head like oh he'll fuck me better no no because i i mean maybe no i'm just saying like maybe that's a physical thing maybe it's a i don't think women are really that dead because i

have known so many girls who stay with guys i mean we were talking this weekend the girls group and there were stories shared of girls being in such longing pain for guys who in retrospect, they were like, they fucked terribly and they were looking to secure them. So it's a guy, girls aren't as motivated, but I'm not saying it's not every,

not every woman is the same, but women are not motivated by like, he probably fucks good. Like, I think that maybe those go hand in hand of like a guy who fucks more is probably good. So a guy who fucks more is probably the one that's more of an F boy. But no, I don't think it's something.

Women will put up with terrible sex for a guy that is avoidant if they're a girl that's anxious attached. And this gets back to attachment theory. It's kind of fun to play the game. Someone was just saying it's fun to watch dating shows and to play what kind of attachment style do these people have. And pretty much every F boy is avoidant.

And most of the nice guys are anxious. And then there's this other one that's called fearful anxious. There's all different kinds. But it was really... I feel like Brayden comes off good on this show. Yeah. Oh, my God. how painful was that rap from duane after braden tried to do one yeah i mean braden had like a whole thing planned that

he didn't need to bring everyone out into this foyer to do it like it was no he could have just done it to me i'm surprised he wasn't handing out cds in times square yeah you like music yeah um and then duane gets up to give one and was, I honestly think it wasn't as painful as they edited it. To make it look worse? Less painful. Oh, to make it look worse. To make it look less because it just was so uncomfortable to watch. Anyone go like, well, I want to do it.

Sometimes I just see men become little boys. That is a little boy thing to do of like, he's doing that. Well, I'm going to do it. And not being aware that like, everyone knows you're desperate right now, but sometimes they just have block blinders on of like what they appear to be. Where are you guys? When these parties are happening, do you far,

far away? Yeah. Yeah. No. Well, there, there is a season. We were there for a lot of it.

It was closer because the boy's house was closer this time. They kept me, me and everyone was just way farther away. to get to the boys house we had to drive like 15 minutes every day from where we were staying and yeah we never saw i'm trying to think if we ever went to one of the late night parties because the control room you can go to, there's a control room right off of the actual house. You feel like you're like an astronaut. At NASA. Yeah. Go, camera four.

Camera four, he's crying. Camera five, he just punched a rock. And I'm going to do that next season because I feel like I missed so many things that would have helped me interact with them later on if I could have just been witnessing it and not just heard it from the producers or from the girls themselves.

There's things like- Yeah, sorry. There was a TV show about the behind the scenes of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. Yes, it was called Unreal. Yes. Oh, that was so good. Maybe you guys-

Wait, it was the actual show or was it a fake? No, it was a scripted show about the behind the scenes. And I hear that it's- Like a Larry Sanders kind of thing yeah and i think i think i watched like two episodes and it was before i worked behind the scenes in reality but it i remember it being very accurate and hearing from reality show producers that it was very accurate i think the hard thing is is the larry sanders it's like a behind the scenes of a scripted show so it seems like a reality show it, but a reality show to then do a reality.

Larry Sanders is not a scripted show. Talk shows aren't scripted. I get what you're saying. More formatted. Yeah, yeah, more formatted. That makes sense. I guess what I'm saying is like, it counterbalances the format aspect

that behind the scenes. But also the behind the scenes of a reality show is so much, you learn so much about how the reality shows aren't what it looks like and and all the drama that's going behind the scenes of a reality show of like you know i have to say everyone that works on a reality show just like the people that are the subjects of it are in this like paradise where nothing else matters yeah just as much as the the the main people on it like our lives are about what's going on with louise tamaris and mia you

don't age when you work on those shows like in your mind like time it's a camp it's summer camp for adults there's no news going on there's no there really is nothing else going on except that world and it's such a and you can get wrapped up in it and all you talk about is is that world and so the people that you connect the most with are the ones that also care about this world as much as you do so it just becomes really incestuous like just how you really and when you leave you're just like what do i what what matters outside of this like i forget what i do normally. It's like the movie The Beach. Did you ever see that? I never saw it with Leonardo DiCaprio.

Yeah, Leo. Man. Do you think he's hot? He's a hot guy. I did when, I mean, Romeo and Juliet was when I was like, something's going on downstairs. And I could not stop thinking about him. And like, that's when I knew I wasn't gay.

Was when you saw Leo? Yeah, because before that, all my friends liked boys before I did. And I was like, what's going on? Like, what's the holdup? What's happening? stop thinking about him and like that's when i knew i wasn't gay was when you saw leo yeah because before that all my friends like boys before i did and i was like what's going on like what's the hold up what's happening and it was eighth grade and i was just like i cannot stop thinking about this guy and that scene where he puts the covers over his head and he like like they're oh my god he is he back in the day though like if you were a a lesbian, he would be just off the side. He looked like a female. Yeah.

He was a boy still then, too. Yeah, he was still a boy. I was in eighth grade. But there was just something about I, and then in Titanic, too, was just that one-two punch of Leo was like, I couldn't handle it. I was so into him and became, quote, unquote, boy crazy.

Today, I went to this voice lesson teacher for the alexander technique which is a thing that i'm doing now and it was out in the suburbs out where far away from us and she was talking about there's all these like she was like there's all these kids in my neighborhood and they're slowly becoming teenagers and it's like it's gonna change they're cute now but like there's hordes of kids that are all born around the same time they're gonna become teens soon she was like the other day i saw one of the boys flip his hair in that way that like that like that flip that she was like and i was like oh yeah that hair flip that is like the first moment you as a young girl go i think i just swooned i don't i've never heard of i've heard

of swooning before but i think i just did because his hair just like i remember being obsessed with kent adams ankles in class and just looking at his ankles and being like i love him i mean the first girl that got tits when you were younger it was bananas for guys every guy would be like did you hear fucking tiffany got tits and the gay guys were like pretending to be into it yeah dude i fucking so want to touch those well that's what what I kind of pretended for a while with my friends. Like, for a year. Because they were into boys and I was just like... It wasn't there yet. God.

Well, you didn't hit puberty until late. Yeah. Maybe that's probably why. Very late pubes. Let's get... Let's take a quick break and we'll come back with more after this. Sandra! Every rose.

Every rose. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines.

Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, we're back. Welcome back to the show. Yeah, we were talking about FBoy Island. You met Rob Reiner. You were talking about that. I put it on my story.

I think, my story. Yeah, I put it on. I mean, he's a legend. He looks a lot like my dad. He does look exactly like your dad. Why is that? Because they're, I don't know, aging Jews with bald heads. He looks exactly like your dad. Why is that? Because they're, I don't know, aging Jews with bald heads. He looks exactly like your dad.

I know. We've made the joke before with my dad. Oh, my God. Yeah. That's what you're going to look like. Did your dad look like you at this point in your life? Yeah, I have a little of my mom in me, but the older I get, the more I'm just turning into. I want to see a picture of your dad at your age.

You must have been like a baby, you know? find you probably have a picture um yeah he was i met rob reiner because i did they're doing a documentary that rob reiner is producing um and so i was asked to be a part of that and so i um i met him it was funny because it was right after seth meyers it was booked like i do seth meyers at 3 and then Rob Reiner at 4.15. So it was right after I finished Seth. I packed up, got in the car, went back to my hotel, and they actually were there shooting at my hotel because I was staying there, which is very nice. So they were in a different room.

Can you say what the documentary is about or too early? I don't know. I feel like I don't know if he wants to say that, so I won't say it, but I've talked about it in other episodes. It's about how he looks like my dad? Yeah, it's about... Weird. That's weird.

What's your dad's name again? Rob. No, it's not. Wait, hold on. I know your dad's name. Fucking Dr. Colin. What is Ed? Not Ed.

That's my dad's name. God damn it. Will you give me a hint? Yeah, it's Alan. No, it's not. Is it? It's Alan? hint yeah it's alan no it's not is it yeah it's alan i would have never gotten that alan on i would have never alan steven collin okay a l a n um so i uh yeah so i went right for to from seth meyers to do that and we pull up to my hotel and my publicist text who's waiting there for me

she texted me um there's someone here who wants to meet you who's coming out of the interview before you so like they're doing a documentary so they're just stacking their interviews and Neil deGrasse Tyson wanted to meet me and so he was waiting after his interview so that we would cross paths and so I got to meet him on the sidewalk. Oh, he knows about your love of science? That's so weird. He knows about my appreciation for the meta... The cosmos. The physics verse.

About what? The cosmos, yes. The cosmos. The cosmos. He was aware of me. How did he hear us talking like this? Was he so flirty with you? Because he's kind of a ladies' man.

No, because my boyfriend was with me. Chris was with me and I had Chris film me. I'm like, film me walking up to meet him. And so Chris was filming and I immediately was like, is it okay if my boyfriend films? So he was really, he was flirty with both of us kind of like, and he was saying like how great I looked. He was like, this pink outfit.

You're like a star. Yes, exactly. No, not. But he was really nice. And like scientists are it's so funny when someone is so smart and so you think much more like obviously more intelligent than me but has an admiration for what i do you know like yeah athletes even like look at what i do you know musicians look at what we do and are like god i, I wish, and I'm like, but you are John Mayer.

Like, why do you appreciate comedy? We're just like up there just saying things. I don't think he does StarTalk anymore, but he had a podcast where he brought on comedians and they talked about science and all that. Like, he loves comedians. Oh, well, he had me shoot a video where I asked him a question.

He forgot to do it. Then he ran back in the lobby and was like, can you do this really quick? And so I held the phone and was like, Neil, tell me what a question about space or whatever that I wanted to know. And I just said, is love real? That's what you asked him? Yeah. Like, what is love in the science?

What did he say? It's infinite? Well, I guess he's going to answer? Yeah. Like, what is love in the science? What do you say, it's infinite? Well, I guess he's going to answer it separately. You know what I mean? But like, what is love to a neuro, whatever,

a rocket scientist? That is such a good question. You know, like, what is, what is it? Why do we, I mean,

obviously we have it because we're human beings that need to be taken care of by other human beings. So when you love someone you want to take care of it so it's all it necessitates that but um what is it physically looking at the i mean the way he looks at the universe he understands how small we are and i'm sure that's got to affect your oh my god your feeling of how insignificant you are and then how insignificant love will be like the idea of dana carvey had a great bit about bill gates being on jeffrey epstein's plane and island and how like what a nerd he was to like what would he talk to a 20 year old about or like well let's be honest a

probably 14 year old about yeah like what does what would how would he like flirt like probably ladies like whenever you see like these really intelligent, like older men who have like, you know, these moguls of business and tech or whatever. And then they're like talking to strippers. I'm always just like, what's going on in that convo? I would love to hear. And he did. He was so funny. Dana was so funny talking about that and like how Bill Clinton, like what he would say to these girls.

Like, what do these like brilliant men who are just, you know, boner creeps ultimately. I don't think it gets in depth. I think it's more like their horny brain turns on. And like you said, when a guy gets horny, they get stupid. Yeah. So I'm sure they're just like, I like your hair. I want to hear it so I can make fun of them because like they're so powerful.

That's what I, yeah, that's what I love about when powerful men get horny they just get stupid and you just go oh that's why like i just they probably don't try to i wouldn't i would assume that they probably don't try to impress the girl by showing their intelligence it's more like showing your wealth and showing your power. I mean, maybe they do. Maybe they get into like, hey, you want to see my new fucking Microsoft fucking Photoshop? Yeah. Or whatever. You know, you want to see how good Excel is now? I can Photoshop you right now.

I'm looking at you. Yeah, I can so put an 18-year-old body on you. Elon Musk is such a dork. He's such a, did you see those photos of him? Biggest loser. He's such a fucking dweeb i know it makes me like angry that i love dweebs like be yourself love what you love but he's good he's trying so hard to be good he's not even embracing his dweeb dump he's he's trying to be accepted by

kanye and kim and even you know the vote what there is that? Anna Wintour. Like him just trying to hobnob with celebrities is so gross to me. It's like, go solve climate change. Stop trying to go to the Met Gala, you fucking loser. Like this, you, you have too big of a brain and you're too capable of doing amazing things to waste your time at the Met Gala. It makes me so mad. Well, they all want to be the cool guy. That's Met Gala. It makes me so mad. Well, they all want to be the cool guy.

That's all it is. It's all it is. I have a question. Jeff Bezos, did you see him when he first started Amazon? He was like this baldy little guy. And now he's Dr. Evil with a 12-pack. And he wants women to fuck him. And they want to be stars and celebrities.

They want to be celebrity athletes kind of shit. Because they've always been smart. They want to be friends with celebrity they want to be celebrity athletes kind of shit yeah because they've always been smart they want to be friends with athletes or and because they were picked on in high school they're probably oh look at the nerd with the calculator smart enough to know that those pursuits are so stupid like that's what i want from them that's that's the problem is like i expect more from them maybe like dumb and smart they end up intersecting at some point like they're so smart that they don't even have to think about how smart they are so they might as they want to be a cool like a dumb guy you always want what you can't have like comedians want to be musicians musicians want to

be you want to be what you can't have to be the high school quarterback after a mannerism um no what were you about to say about well i was gonna ask like with the elon musk thing he's so much smarter than like a typical person or you know like what if his strive to connect with celebrities or whatever what if it's like an idea that we don't even right that we can't even have a thought about because our brains are not as big. It just seems so basic. Yeah, to me too. I think it's like the nerd getting invited to the high school party.

You know what it's like is can't hardly wait when that guy, the nerd, gets to go to the party and he's best friends with Mike Dexter who's kind of ostracized because Amanda broke up with him or he broke up with him. Yes. Or he broke up with Amanda. Amanda. And then that nerd is like finally,

he's so smart and such a cool kid. Not a cool kid, but just an interesting person that has interests and hobbies and he's smart and suddenly he gets sucked into being popular at this party and he drinks a beer

and he's like, I can't feel my legs. I can't feel my legs. And everyone's like, yeah, you're a nerd that's partying with us this is your one night we'll let you in that's what it feels like yes you're letting us all down like yes you're a nerd fine go to things and have fun obama does it perfectly i feel like because obama is a nerd but he's cool obviously he's the coolest guy ever but he he never fell too hard into partying with Kanye and partying with Bono. He's friends with them.

He does a podcast with Bruce Springsteen, but he still knows what he is, which is a politician and a person that's supposed to bring people together and is about something more than that. But do you get away with things because you have that cool factor go to the back go to the concerts like go to the cool things have your fun but don't seek

it out and be so desperate and i don't think i ever got desperation from obama even though he does you know rub elbows with the glitterati i just don't see a desperation in it he i think because he's that cool though but you could get away with things god so fucking cool one video of him you know what i mean though like elon can't get away with it because he's just look he looks like a computer you know what i mean like he if obama looks like a like a cool fucking football like you know what i mean like he looks you can get away with so much shit yeah had better style. Elon probably,

he could be attractive. He is attractive. He's not a terrible looking person. He's had nine kids with like 15 women somehow. It's math. Neil deGrasse Tommy. So,

if you're poor and you have like 10 kids with 12 different women, you're seen by society as such a piece of shit. And he's spun it in a way where he's saving the planet. Yeah, like Nick Cannon.

He's like, look, if I come in you, we could live on Mars. Yeah. I would definitely be trying to get knocked up by Elon Musk. Pick out a Tesla then. I mean, think about it. You and your kid are going to be, he's the number one guy to be friends with

if you want to survive whatever the fuck is going to befall us. Like he's him and Bezos are the ones to know. Why do I see it, though? It's him, Bezos and 15 hot women and every the rest of society can burn. I know. I yeah. You know what I mean? I can see them on Mars.

That's what we pursue is is those are the guys that are smart and are able to get all the money. And then what do they want the money for? So they can fuck hot women. Or hot men. They flew to space. That's not for fucking us. That's for them to show that I got the space. Yes.

They're not doing it because one day we'll have space exploration. They're doing it because they can explore more pussy. It's really, and someone, there was a Reddit question the other day about why do poor people have the most kids? Wouldn't, if you were poor, have less kids kids and it's about that someone said that it's um because then you have more people to raise money for your family more people that can work well then there's

government subsidies that you get for kids and lack of education in those communities yeah you can't afford an abortion so happiness for some families if you have happiness if you have yeah if you keep having kids you you're also distracted by the poverty you're living in because if you're having a baby there's like oh there's something to look forward to like that's what people do is like they always want you want them you want more you want the next thing it's like i feel so bad for women who they all they want to do is be moms and then their kids like grow up and then they're like waiting on those grandkids and they're not in control of it anymore they can't and some women aren't in control of even having their you know don't push it though oh yeah oh

you want hey come on yeah come in yeah you know how your mom's but they don't they don't know and i'm kind of like that too like i don't know what else i want after no not at all they have my mom i think one time was like are you gonna freeze your eggs didn't have three kids they'd pressure you more no sometimes i think about that if my brothers didn't have kids would i ever get it from your because you don't get pressure either no they don't i don't even think they want me to. Yeah. No, my mom will bring up something like,

you know, I have another ring or I have, you know, stuff like that. Nuva? I think she, yeah. Cock.

Yeah, I'm so glad my parents never have done that. My mom mentioned once about me freezing my eggs and it was so interesting to talk. We have a friend that is going through like fertility stuff and is getting all the information about it.

She found out that at the age of 38, on average, if you're a woman at the age of 38 with like a healthy, like on average, your chance of getting pregnant on the day you're most fertile, if you get all the cum in you and like everything is working what what do you think the percentage is i mean the way you're setting on the most fertile day of the of her month of her cycle that she has her eggs have dropped and they are ready to be spermed what do you think is the chance that she'll get pregnant two percent three percent pretty good all right so what am i ever you ever not getting come in for if that's a chance that three percent chance on the one day

i'm most perfect why would i even worry about on a day when i know i'm not even close to ovulating because i track it on my app why am i why are we pulling out and i say we as a not me and my partner but like as women as a society, like I like the feeling of, beginning pregnant is a lot harder than anyone makes it out to be because we see so many people getting accidentally pregnant. And that's when these people,

that's when you're in your early 20s. But like in your 30s, it's so hard. I feel like I should get a reward for being older and now I get to get cummed in. Yeah, that should be a trophy. But men't know this so they're they're terrified and they should be like you even if even if there's a three percent chance i'm talking about i check i track my cycle and i

know when i'm ovulating because i'm just hotter and i'm getting more i just and i know what my discharge is like on my ovulation i'm'm pretty positive when I'm ovulating. So why do I need to use protection on any other day? Or like the pull-out method? I don't know. I would hold, maybe print out these stats and put them on your forehead when you're having sex. You know what I mean?

Because there is something in your Taylor Swift poster. Yeah, make a pie chart. That's a good point. A pussy pie chart. Under my Taylor Swift posters. There's also a proclamation from just the percentages neil degrasse tyson yeah have him write it up for you yeah i and i'm not even just saying it for my me and my partner do not want kids and do not would not like that to happen

and do not want to have to ever do anything uh where we'd have to go to a different state you know obviously because i live in missouri but we don't that's not that's not the thing we i don't want to get pregnant but with a three percent chance on the day that i'm most if i'm i'm on a day when i'm not it's probably less than one person there's no freaking chance and maybe someone could write me and tell me different but i think there is something less satisfying about sexual intercourse when you do not have the full thing. There's something, there's a reason it feels good to have it all end up in you.

In you, yeah. And when it's not in you, it feels a little bit like you are not getting to eat the last third of the food that you like. You're probably full from two thirds of it because we already have too big of servings in Americaica so it's probably good to like leave a few bites but man i would like to yes sometimes you want to it just feels like there's something

missing and i don't think men understand that because probably men you feel it too it would be a little bit more gratifying for you as well if it was in yeah i think there's something probably i mean it's like there's something biological probably like if you stay in me that means you love me so much that even if we have a kid you'll still be with like i don't know maybe there's something like subconsciously well there's breeding fetishes have you heard of that breeding yeah it's uh people that are have a breeding fetish it's like they just want to get pregnant. They want to talk about getting pregnant.

A lot of people that have breeding fetishes don't really actually want kids, but their kink is to talk about getting pregnant and getting a bunch of semen in you and getting pregnant. What about the porn category where it's secretly coming in her, they like take the condom off and come in the girl? Oh, yeah. So people are watching that. It's called non-consensual consent, NCC. Yes.

Yes. So consensual non-consent, CNC. CNC, which is Chris's actual initials christopher nolan conby but cnc is a consensual non-consent um which is kind of that same thing too i've been watching a lot of like and i think i talked about it before but like doctors like gynecological exams where the girl's like why do you need to put your mouth on it and he's like oh this is just a new thing what we're doing like i like that sneaky pervert. I type in perv doctor sometimes

because I want to see women being stupidly taken advantage of. Do I want that to happen to me? No. Do I want it to happen to any woman? No. Do I like imagining a world- You hear that, Max?

Yeah. Max. Call back 48 episodes. I'm like Neil deGrasse Tyson with connecting to- Yeah yeah i do feel so small in the world yeah it's weird i know i'm sorry i know i look like a son right now too um wait so yeah so why is that though why are you so i've gotten into so you know when you watch porn they start going like well we've noticed a lot of your videos include this maybe

you'll check out this thing this new thing that I like is age gap. And I know you're probably into that, but it's old men with girls they don't deserve. And the girl being kind of disgusted by it. Why would I like that? I remember a friend of mine being super into that and thinking it was so weird. A girlfriend of mine.

And now I totally get it. And now I'm into like watching old men because i like that the old men are like yes like this is the greatest thing ever it's almost like when an old man gets like a the car keys thrown to him to like a car that he doesn't know is his yeah where they're just like about to start crying and they start thinking about their war buddies and all the mistakes they've made in life and yeah there's just something about old men being like this is the and this girl just being like oh god like yeah there's something about like when you get laid and as a guy for the first time you're like pussy and then you have to wait 50

years later to be like pussy yes to be excited about it again well i don't like it the opposite i don't like it when it's an older woman being like, I'm giving, I'm going to have sex with a younger guy. I don't like that age gap. For me, it has to be like, even though I'm not a young woman, I can't even put myself in her shoes. It's almost like I, why would I like that then? I've been seeing stepmom catch stepson jerking off.

And then she like enters the room and she's like oh I didn't and then does she tell him like oh let me show you how to do it is that part of it yeah it's also it's also weird I want to know about more weird kinks that people have because they're so fascinating and I have no problem

anyone could say they have a kink about literally anything to me and I wouldn't as long as it was like not something that they actually want to act on. If we're getting into like non-consent stuff, I have no problem with it. I think I could probably handle anything anyone was into, but there was some Reddit question the other day about like, what's the weirdest kink you know about.

And I think it comes down to like a lot of poop stuff, which brings us back to the poop flavor of yogurt from the Nathan For You episode that we'll never get to because we're getting to the news. And that microphone. You heard it here first. You heard it here first.

Yeah, you heard it here first. Oh, it's Wednesday, folks. You know what that means? It is Wednesday. I hope you're having all the swells out there. I know it's humpback day, but hey, I hope you're getting humped on your back out there. Back to you now.

All right. All right. NikkiGlaser.com slash tour and AndrewCollinComedy.com for all your touring needs. All our touring needs. FBoy Island and Good for Clean Cells now on HBO Max. And new episodes of FBoy Island tomorrow coming out tonight at midnight probably. It's Peter and FBoy. Find out.

I think we only have two episodes left. Is that right? What? I think there's two. Only eight episodes in the whole season? I don't know that there can't be. Maybe there's two and then next week there's another two. I think we did ten. We did ten. I love that I can't remember. So we have two more weeks of FBoy, I'm pretty sure.

Alright. Noah. This is a story submitted by CNC during a month's long human traffic. Wait, Chris Convey? Yeah. He submitted a story to our podcast yes through you what really yeah come on you'll you'll remember this because i think you're gonna love it sort of during a month's long investigation of human trafficking undercover cops went to massage parlors took their pants off and allowed themselves to be fondled eight different times.

The undercover cops said, so police arrested 13 people after two officers went undercover and got completely naked. Where was this? In Flagstaff, Arizona. Okay.

And the cops said, I didn't know where to stop it. I was like, well, do you want me to take them off his pants? So she was like, well, do you want me to take them off his pants? So she was like, well, your comfort,

if you want them off or you don't want oil on them, there was kind of some confusion on that. So I ended up taking them off because that's what I felt like the suggestion was from her. He went on to explain that he tried to minimize the amount of time the massage parlor employee was fondling his exposed genitals as soon as i got aroused i immediately started asking about the money and how much and like i said i've never done one of these so i was fairly nervous and i didn't know where to stop it so i was trying to stop it quickly so as soon as it got indecent he wanted

to stop it and arrest i loved it yes however. Yes. However, police reports reveal the officer allowed different women to touch him seven more times over the next 48 hours. He was just investigating. Yeah.

He was just doing a thorough investigation. He was picking up where the Uvalde cops left off. And he was saying, I'm actually gonna be... I mean, this is insane um and is he

being charged with anything because he did too oh did he get in trouble yeah did he do his job too hard um i didn't it's not in the article it's so sad when these women get arrested at these places like they're doing anything wrong they're always always trafficked. And then even the people that are trafficking them are probably trafficked. I mean, it's just like such a, it's, it's so sad when hookers get arrested. Yeah.

Like they're doing something illegal and the Johns, even them, like, I just, I don't know. I, we have to discourage it because it does lead to traffic being, you know,

sex slavery. It would be fine. Right. Like eventually, like it would yeah i have no problem with sex workers yeah i don't want to have sex human trafficking is against people's will like they they're pretty much that's what i have a problem with but if it were legal we wouldn't have to have trafficking as much but then but we live in too christian of a nation to ever legalize sex work, I think.

You know, except in, why is it in Vegas it's okay? Is it? Yeah. Prostitution's legal in Vegas. How did they pass it there? I think in the counties around Vegas. But how did it pass there? How is it the one place? I mean, it works in Europe.

Like drinking on the street in New Orleans. It's legal in Europe. What about California? And in Vegas. In California? Or like it's not like a crime. All I know is I'd love to see this guy's report. He's like, so after the fifth time, I just didn't know.

How in the world is this guy coming that much too? Well, he didn't go eight times in one day. He did in 48 hours. Oh, this is old. Yeah, it was like seven times in 48 hours. Seven more times. Yeah. Oh, maybe he wanted to get more women charged.

He kept forgetting his sunglasses um yeah maybe but like also he that's a young i feel bad for the seventh woman her hand must be exhausted i mean i i we were talking about this this weekend actually about these like my friend actually got assaulted in china when she went and got a, um, a massage there. Yeah. And the woman like stuck a finger up her puss and, uh, she like couldn't believe it was happening and totally froze. This is someone who's very like outspoken and like plays by her own rules. And like,

of course, and I have another friend who got her asshole fingered during a massage while she was in Santa Monica at like a nice massage parlor. Also another girl who like has gotten into bar fights before because the girl looked at her boyfriend the wrong way like this girl is scrappy as fuck and yet when you are penetrated you know digitally in the middle of a massage you just you freeze and they she were even after the fact wasn't able to even like go confront anyone or call. Like, it's such a problem.

But I think that so many men, I was talking to my friends this weekend about massage parlors. And I was like, all y'all's boyfriends have probably been to it or considered it. Or like people you know have been to it because it's so much more ubiquitous. Any guy that's ever gone to a bachelor party has partaken in something yes that you don't want to know about and but the massage parlors what a great thing to be able to cheat on your girlfriend and get a hand job from another woman without really feeling like you did anything wrong because there's never an exchange of like give me a hand job i want a hand job there she touches it and there all your consent is that you didn't move and you kind of like didn't go no stop and so you you feel

good about yourself because you didn't ask for it this woman just did it to you you just didn't stop it so it's almost like lying by omission where men can cheat and not feel this overwhelming guilt that they've cheated on you because they didn't ask for it they didn't take their penis and like put it in the woman's face they didn't do anything there's just like they are rubbing their leg and then their hand touches it and then the woman knows oh he didn't move it once i stroked it so i'll stroke it a little bit more oh he still didn't move and so the guy can then come and feel like he did nothing the whole time yeah and meanwhile he like found this place online and it's down in an alley but he doesn't know how he got there oh it's it was totally i'm gonna say It was recommended by a friend.

It was totally fine. It was underneath a massage envy down the street a little bit. Envy standing for never something. I thought we were going to get there. Massage.

Another thing from this weekend that made me interested in this article was a throwback to drinks and food that we used to eat as kids. Klondike. Choco Taco. Yes, no more Choco Taco. I've heard this in the news so much.

No more Choco Taco. Did you ever like those? Never into them. So in the article, they showed other stuff from our childhood. So I think it was, I can't remember if it was Hala or Taylor. She brought up Orbitz drinks.

Do you remember? Oh, yeah. They had those little bubbles in them. Oh, yeah. They were like, okay, so they were shaped like Miller Lights or almost like Michelob Ultras, like the bottle.

Oh, my God. And then they had little floating little tapioca balls. Blue and purple balls of gelatin. But they were suspended in the middle of the drink. So all over it. So it looked like a polka dotted drink. And they were so cool.

I don't think they tasted good. I was thinking about those sugar drinks where you rip off the top plastic. Squeezes. Squeezes were so freaking delicious. Well, I would chew the plastic after too. It was a double win for me. That guy sucked on plastic.

Oh, man. I was into that. I love those plastic things too. Did a double win that guy sucked on plastic oh man i love those plastic things too did you like jawbreak those giant jawbreakers no because my tongue would bleed yeah yeah that would be too much for me and you couldn't eat it as fast as i wanted to like those take patience after too i was like what am i a fucking buddhist monk with this thing like get me to the center do you remember dunkaroos those aren't around oh yeah i saw someone stealing those one time. That was the first time I ever witnessed someone shoplifting at a Target.

And I saw a kid who was probably just food insecure, was probably hungry, and snuck in. And I was just like, I couldn't believe I witnessed someone stealing Dunkaroos. It was Taylor? No. No, that was this past weekend. Dunkaroos are still around, I believe. I saw them recently

no I love they're gone really oh really what about the nostalgic like those cheese sticks that used to come in

like little bread sticks that you would dunk into the cheese and you would peel back and it would with the red stick the red stick no I don't like those

because you would paint the cracker but I like the ones that were almost bread sticks that were like cylindrical okay and then you dip them in kind of how Nutella is now.

Kind of something like that. Man, there's a subreddit called Nostalgia. And if you are a child from the 80s, that was born in the 80s, go to subreddit Nostalgia and just scroll. You will get whipped in the fucking face with so many things you have not thought of or seen since. You're a child of the 90s too. Are you a fun dip?

I promise you we'll have a blast. My sister and I just, sometimes we'll go on the subreddit nostalgia and we'll just send each other things because it's so, fun dip is still around, I believe. Man, I can taste it right now. It's making my mouth water.

And it kind of, Would you eat the chalk? Would you eat the stick? I didn't like when you would get, like you would lick the stick and then you put it in and it would get, that powder would get almost too like cottony.

It would kind of like, Would you eat the stick though? Oh yeah, I love the stick. Interesting. The stick was the best part. I tried the stick. Oh, sometimes the powder would be too much. It would just be like chalky chalk in your mouth.

I didn't like that. We ate so many things that weren't food growing up. We had no idea how disgusting. Gushers? Well, gushers are the squeezes of food, I feel like. Squeezes were so delicious and I loved the animation from the cartoons on, like, the squeeze it face would be like,

whoa! Yeah, squeeze the fun out of it was their tagline. Squeeze the fun out of it. What a line. My mouth is watering. I love the ice pops. I could eat 85 of them. Oh yeah, those are still around. But the taco taco, okay, so if you were going to a, you know,

ice cream truck. Okay. What would you get? Yeah, what would you get? I posted on my Instagram recently because they had the whole menu up on nostalgia and it was like, what would you choose? A lot of times I just go simple, the ice cream sandwich. I think it's simple and you know what you're getting and it lasts a while.

I always wanted the Choco Taco but I always felt like it was too much of a not kid thing. It felt like it was for adults only. There's never a Choco Taco. I've never had one. I'm sad now. Oh man. I think this is, and Chris brought this up on his radio show today and I was listening, it might be a ploy to get it back.

To get people to fight for it and so when they bring it back, there'll be this burst of sales. So sometimes they talk about things going away so that people- Like the Mexican pizza at Taco Bell came back. Yes, and apparently that's gone again. It's out, it's discontinued everywhere.

But if I loved, what about Flintstones Push Pops? Yes! Oh God, and I love when you hit them on the counter so you can make them go up. Oh. And when they... I know, I was jerking off. Holy shit, no, I did love the stick. Oh, and the orange flavor was so delicious.

So many things had sticks back then. So many sticks. Sticks aren't really in our life anymore. Even Capri Suns, I would stab it like I was a Bushman in the African Sahara. Oh, the bottom. Some people did the bottom. Who stabbed the bottom? I've never even heard of that. Florida things get weird. I never understood

why those were so difficult for some children to operate. I felt like I was really advanced. You know what was tough? The milk carton sometimes, if you bit your nails, very tough to get in there. That last little piece of paper, you couldn't get off the milk carton. Man, I'm nostalgic right now. Chocolate milk?

Chocolate milk. Yeah. Yoo-hoo or chocolate milk? Never did Yoo-hoo. My parents never let me have it. Yoo-hoo had a weird taste. Cereals. I mean, if we're going nostalgia.

I mean, I could do this all day. This is my favorite thing. Lucky charms. Just like lucky charms. I know those are still around. And tricks. Cookie crisp. I never got cookie crisp. That's such a still around and those and Trix. Cookie Crisp. I never got Cookie Crisp.

That's such a kid thing. Yeah, but I always wanted it. But it was just too indulgent. It was too indulgent. That's what the Choco Taco is. Yeah. Oh, really? That's what I'm thinking.

I think Choco Taco is too rich. Too like, yeah, I see what you're saying. It's like a specific, like the ice cream sandwich, a strawberry shortcake. Chris told me when I showed him the ice cream truck thing a strawberry shortcake. Chris told me when he would,

when I showed him the ice cream truck thing that he would have picked the baseball mitt. Do you remember those baseball mitts that had a gumball baseball in the middle? I am desperate to find those to buy for him. So if anyone has a hookup for those, because I think they're only sold in like mass quantities, if someone could buy one and then send it to me,

I would, I would love you so much because I think that would be a really good gift sure noah's dad owns an ice cream truck oh yeah oh my god no not far off that's a strong ham drink oh my god yeah that is a strong one 48 episodes all right we got to go to break we'll come back with andrew's short story circle segment right after this john stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need

to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from Jon and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're back and it's Wednesdaynesday so it's our wild card wednesday um we do different segments this day today's segment is andrew's succinct short story circle segment i want to punch that guy i don't know what it is perfect is he too chipper by the way flooding everyone thinks we're dying oh my god thank you to every best you wrote and was like are you guys okay we're in a high rise yeah we're okay but like it has been flooding like crazy yeah apparently i mean we got 12 inches of rain two days ago and the the record for st louis is six. It was like- We got seven inches, which was 25% of all summer in one day

or something like that. Yeah, and it's insane that my parents' cabin isn't flooded. They were like, it just didn't rain south of the Merrimack, so we didn't get it. And I'm like, you're gonna get it. Just say goodbye to that cabin now

because it's coming. I mean, the record was 8 inches and we got 12? That's insane. I picture it, Oh Brother, where Ardell, that scene when it floods. I've never seen it. I feel like you love that movie. James River Blues. What's that song that's on

the Oh Brother soundtrack that everyone loved? I'm a man of constant sorrow. Originally by Bob Dylan, I think. He wrote everything. He wrote My Milkshake Brings All the Boys to the Yard. I'm a man of constant sorrow. Originally by Bob Dylan, I think. He wrote everything. I mean, he wrote My Milkshake Brings All the Boys to the Yard. He did the original of that. I mean, Bob Dylan.

Okay, what story are you going to tell today? This is a current, well, not current, but very recent. I usually do like an old school one. Yeah. Isn't it funny, like news stories, because you compare them to like Fighting Little John, you don't, sometimes I overlook stories. I don't ever tell them to people even though they're great stories.

You're getting ahead of the story. They're new stories. We're asking if you took a character story you didn't tell yet. So this is – I was on the golf course with my buddy Jordan who you've met. Yeah. He's like 6'5". He's from New Orleans. Does this involve lightning?

I'm worried about Jordan on the golf course because he's so tall. Oh. And he looks like lightning but if you know Jordan he's from Lafayette Louisiana he was raised by an alligator and you don't but if you know

he was raised by an alligator and a crawfish this boy is a walking pecan pie he's fucking manly he's a manly guy he works with his hand he works i can't say where he works but he's like hey i'm coming up with new search terms for porn up yeah all right so he's like a tough man he's six four big guy hits a golf ball 350 yards you don't fuck with him okay you just don't fuck with this guy i wouldn't

fuck with him right you'd fuck with garrett but not jordan i'd honestly would rather fuck with garrett than jordan really okay jesus because i've seen jordan throw a putter into the woods and that putter never resurfaced like the guy gets angry he has anger issues if he misses a chip watch out because you might have a nine iron in your fucking back like okay i've seen him mad all right and it's like a weird don't tell him the taco taco's been discontinued i don't want to know what's on the other side of that i have heard it's because of him threatening letters that he wrote with those man hands that are like pecan paw so so um i play golf with him all the time i've seen him angry very nice guy love the guy yeah i'm shocked to hear he's a anger head but it makes

sense it reminds me of like anger management the movie when adam sandler just can't control it you know at times you know oh yeah i've never seen it but yes so here he is he's complaining a lot about just like life like he feels i feel like he wants to take out anger on something like you know whatever it is he takes out on the golf ball but i really feel like he wants to kill somebody at times yeah in a fun way yeah so mind you so we're playing golf and there's a rule in golf where you don't hit into the people in front of you like so let's say there's yeah i feel like i don't know anything about golf but i think that that would be kind of like the first rule not even a rule you just know like you don't hit into people that's why you scream for if you accidentally do that right yes

that is what happens but the reason the thing is though is it gets so backed up on the golf course if you're a twosome and there's a foursome in front of you and there's maybe no one in front of them they're slowing you down a lot of times it's like, hey, man, come and play through us. Yeah, but why don't you guys just ask instead of waiting for people to ask you? I've done that before. I actually, that's like my new thing. This thing of like, no, but a lot of times we just become so much of a nuisance behind them that we expect them to let us to go through.

It's like, well, ask. Okay, so go on. I have a feeling I know where this is going. So he's trying to send a signal to these people to let us play through no no no no no no no no so they're playing a scramble which they play best ball so whatever they hit the ball to the left we we're talking we're just bullshitting next thing you know we don't see them this foursome it's four 20 year olds that are all drinking fireball and they're fucking chugging beers. And they're cut. They're so cut.

They're like a fucking fraternity. They're you 20 years ago. Yeah, like three months ago. Like completely different time. 20 hours ago. Yeah, so what? So they're fucking getting fucked up, whatever. They drive.

We don't see them. So I'm like, okay, so it's time for us to drive. You really lost track of it. You didn't know where they were. We didn't know where they were. We both hit great drives, like 300 yards. They were off looking for the fucking putter that he threw in the woods. So we start driving up, and next thing you know,

there's one of the guys in their party, the tallest, biggest guy, is standing in the fairway looking at us, like bowing up, like he's a fucking Spartan, like wanting to fight. Because we hit into them one time, and they were so far to the right, we didn't know they were there. Right. So this guy has a club in his hand, and he's ready to show his dominance. When was this? Like, three weeks ago.

Okay. Ready to show his dominance. I'm like, this is ridiculous. Like, I'm not about to fight four 20-year-olds. I look over at Jordan. This is his bar mitz at jordan this is his bar mitzvah this is his he has never excited he is foaming he's like my dad at a january yeah yeah he's like a rabid dog just like finally i get to fucking take out all my frustrations

and before this guy can even fucking bow up and like yell at us jordan's like fuck you why the fuck are you i'm like oh my god and i'm just like dude i don't want this i don't want oh my god i would love to see the footage of this oh my god you just like dude so the guy what are you doing are you trying to stop i'm just like dude it's fine like it's all far away is this guy don't give me your like it kind of reminds me of remember naked gun when the guy gets run over by the slow thing? That's what it's like. Austin Powers.

Oh, Austin Powers. Well, that too. I think Naked Gun had happened too, yeah. So we're still too far away for Jordan. That's how bad he wanted to light. So the guy is probably waiting for us to get closer for him to show his dominance and tell us not to hit into him. So we're running jordan goes fuck you what if we didn't mean to fucking hit him though that he can he's in a golf cart the

guy doesn't realize that he's that big oh he's drunk the closer we're getting the guy realizes like he's fucking with the well one guy the wrong guy and the other guy the nice jewish guy is just trying to make peace so i'm just like so before like we get the guy realizes like the closer we get like a shark that like he's fucking with the wrong guy oh shit yeah these people are very small far away yeah it's like a monet yeah yeah but instead of like a school for ants like that like he thought you were as little as you were but like the closer it gets it it gets, there's a giant hornet. Yes. Yes, so we get there, and we're like, and Jordan's going, I'm like, the guy's already like, oh, okay.

Like backing down kind of a while. I mean, it's not a big deal. Yeah. But Jordan's like already, he's in the middle of it. And are you able to talk any sense into him, or is he in like a red? No, he's a rabid dog. He's like a pit bull that has his teeth in. Cujo, yeah.

He's Cujo-ing. And I'm just like, listen, Cujo, just relax. And he's not listening to me. There's no, are you like trying to touch him? Like trying to like get like. Yeah, I'm just like, yeah. And I'm like looking at him and he's like more. Are you wanting to just like drop and roll off of this cart?

So you don't even have to deal with it? I was going to light myself on fire just to. You wanted to pull a nephew and just put yourself in the front of the cart? So. Get a mannerism? This kid starts, another kid starts walking up. So now they look like brothers to me, which I've, whatever, foreshadowed. So he starts coming up.

He's like, what the fuck, man? You're being, what did he say? He said a word that just isn't a good word for a fight. Like, you're not being reasonable. You're being unreasonable like which is a funny thing to say that's a big so jordan looks at him and he goes fuck you you backwards hat your dad's probably a fucking lawyer coming for money meanwhile jordan his parents aren't poor like it's just funny for another like jordan yeah yeah like i'm like dude but it is good to

like just call someone like a little like you're only able to play on this golf course because your daddy bought it for you. Meanwhile, it's a public course. It's like $10 to play. So then there's another two guys, too. So it's four guys, and Jordan just keeps going. And now it's getting really heated, and one has a golf club in his hand. And I'm the whole time trying to like. Are there any women around?

No. Okay. No. There'd be probably. I don't know. It would have been amazing for you to see this. So then they get in each other's faces. They're about to fight. And finally, it calms down.

They drive off angry. I'm like, dude, what the fuck were you doing, dude? I was like, halfway in. I get why. It was fucked up. He's like, you shouldn't be bowing up. I'm like, what are we, fucking goats? What are we, hitting head like like rams like it's all this has always has something to do with so much else oh so never about that's why you can't cut people off you

don't know how what you're cutting off so then um sorry one minute i'll just wrap it up so we fucking keep playing we're playing behind. I see them drinking more fucking beers, like pounding beers. And we get to the final hole for them. We were going to keep playing a little bit more. But it's the final hole, and they're just sitting there with two more guys. And there's no reason for them. Oh, they call their buddies to come up. There's no reason for them.

So now there's six of them. To be hanging out there waiting for you guys? They're waiting, and they're staring at us. And at this point, I'm finally angry. And now they probably have guns or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? I mean, like, they've...

I mean, they don't seem like gun kind, but they were... Did they keep playing? Yeah, they kept playing. They shouldn't be waiting. And I'm like, oh, they're waiting. They're going to want to fight us with another... So finally, they go, oh, look at the tough guys. Look at the...

I was like, I didn't fucking do shit. Now you're being tough because you have two more friends oh and they're like oh yeah i did finally i had enough i was like yeah you're like i'm ready to go i'm ready to jordan like rubbed off yeah jordan like holding me back he's like dude relax andrew yeah so then jordan's talking about his life and you're like i'm pissed about this life too so you so now i'm out of the cart and i'm like i'm like you know i was the they're like you were being reasonable so then they're talking to me but jordan's bowing up again he's ready to fight again bowing up i've never heard that until this episode like when you bow your chest

i get it now i get it yeah so he's fucking chakotaku yeah so but the guy is trying to go to me he goes look you were nice and i'm sure it's fine you're short yeah you're a smaller man uh your friend's yellow shirt and then he would turn to jordan go fuck you motherfucker fuck you and they're going fuck you and then he turned to me and go he'd shake my hand and be like but you're all right i'm like no you can't you can't decipher the two you can't fuck him and then not want to fuck me. Yeah, like I'm with him. Yeah, I'm with him. I'm going to fight now too.

God, this sounds exactly almost identical to your fight with the guy from Sum 41. Oh, Sum 41. Yeah, like where you're trying to keep the peace and trying to be friends with him. Dude, I've had three fights. I had that other fight in Europe where I'm trying to keep the peace until. Until you get pushed over the edge and now you're implicated and now you're unreasonable final thought final thought the guy goes uh they start yelling at each other and again jordan's like backwards hat bitch your dad's like bringing up like holes it turns into like a rose kind i'm like oh i'd actually be really good

yeah were you like starting to i started writing for jordan i was in his year like and so then the guy just goes to Jordan. He looks at him. He goes, you know. But he says it in a weird way. Not like screaming. He goes, you just seem like you're retarded. And Jordan's like, what?

I'm not. I'm not. It was just like such a weird dig where it wasn't like in your face. It was kind of like, I know something about you that you don't even know about yourself. Like you're slower than, yeah. Yeah, you're like slower than some of that. Oh, boy. Some of that.

And if Jordan at all dealt with any kind of learning disability, this is going to be a huge trigger, which who hasn't dealt with feeling like you're a little stupid? So then they're both being held back. Oh, my God. And this time they're like, it's going to fail. Neil deGrasse Tyson has answered that. Who hasn't dealt with any being feeling like you're a little stupid so then they're both being held back oh my god and this time they're like it's Neil deGrasse Tyson has answered that who hasn't he he probably hasn't yeah probably never this kid has a mustache and a mullet he kind of like a probably listen to Theo Vaughn like that kind of yes vibe you know and he wants to fight Jordan and he's so drunk he's looking past him I'm like this kid will die I forgot about that part this kid will die Jordan

no no the other kid oh god Jordan will go to jail yes and I would go to jail too it's like we with Taylor

I'm like you're gonna get caught just don't do this it's not worth it at one point the fight is so funny on a golf course because the kid

has a golf club and Jordan goes that's like a weapon of like you can murder someone and he's like yeah I know like it was like

kind of like very slow. Like, the whole thing. So how does this end? I can't even believe this. So finally they drive off. Finally they drive off, and they're still talking shit, like fucking tough guys, but you're cool. You were cool, but fuck you.

Is there a part of you that's kind of like, yes, I'm cool? No, part of me wanted me to. At first, yes, and then I wanted them to hate me just as much because they were so fucking. Yes, because they were such losers, yes. So we're driving off and uh we're playing we we keep playing a couple more holes and like three holes later and jordan just looks at me like quietly he just goes do i like come off retarded oh baby george or i was like a little bit yeah no no i was like i don't want to fight him no no but it was just such a moment of like it was very bonding though for us yeah whatever it was because well he was

vulnerable in that moment to be like hey man you'd be honest with me like why does my face and it's so sweet that like yeah all of this really comes from that place of being like i feel less than because no one really needs to fight unless you feel you're threatened like all that anger comes from you know like we're saying before why do girls date f boys low self-esteem and i'm not trying to jordan probably hate if i said why do guys fight us boys yeah low self-esteem like you don't need to do that unless you're trying to prove something about yourself because you think other people think less of you. Yeah. Or you think less of you and it's going to give you something that makes you feel better.

But it's I'm so glad it didn't end in violence. How was it? How did it not? Because. No one would no one would take the first punch. It's like it's like a baseball fight. Have you ever seen like when they clear the bench? No one ever throws a punch.

Everyone just like look you look you. Everyone's being held the bench? No one ever throws a punch. Everyone's just like, fuck you, fuck you. Everyone's being held back. The tough held back guy. I think because they're also holding golf clubs. Isn't it about chicken though? I feel this way sometimes when I'm in relationships of like, who's going to be the first to be like, this is over? And then it's like you're both waiting for someone to say that,

to be like, oh, is that what you want? Cool. And then you're not the one that's doing it or saying it. Do you know what I'm saying? Is it the way it is in physical fights? For sure.

I'm waiting for this guy to punch me, then I'll have reason to punch him, but I don't want to throw the first punch because it means that it will begin. And also you could go to jail if you throw the first punch. But yes, I do think there's something involved.

And I also think at the core of it, no one really wanted to fight. But the maleness in you, the ego in you feels like you have to. It's so funny that fighting is so, for lack of a better word, gay. Because you touch each other. You get to kind of hug each other. It's the only time men touch whether or not you're either gay or you're fighting. Otherwise, you hug and you slap each other when you hug. There's no intimacy.

It's so funny to fight a man in the middle of you. I kind of feel good in your arms. It feels nice to be touched. My cousin JD, who's now passed, but he used to always say that his bus driver, when he was a kid, used to be like, if y'all don't stop horsing around back there, I'm going to come back and touch you hard, which is mean like hit you, buting around back there, I'm going to come back and touch you hard. Which is mean like hit you. Yeah.

But touch you hard, which is like a nice way. But touch you hard. It always made me laugh. I'd go on that bus eight times. But it is funny that boys can't touch each other unless it's aggressive. Otherwise, it's. Yeah. You know? There was no ending it other than.

Yeah. You never realize that someone's going to really throw a punch. All you guys need is more touches. Boys, and this is what I learned from FBoyIsland, like Peter thinks we actually had a therapy session because we did a joke therapy session. That's how starved men are for talking about their feelings. There was a UFC fighter that just won, this guy Patty the Batty, and he's like blowing up. He's from Ireland, blonde hair, blue eyes guy, has like a weird hair. He kind of looks like that hair that I had on when I met Bobby Boucher or whatever. Corky from like Waiting for Guffman.

Yeah. So I call him Bobby Flay. Yeah. Bobby Boucher. That's the football player from Adam Sandler. Yes. Bobby Boucher. That's the football player from Adam Sandler. Yes. Bobby Boucher. So anyways, this guy won, and his friend killed himself the day before.

And his whole speech, I'll show it to you, was all about how men should talk to your friends because I'd rather you be crying on my shoulder than being dead. Yeah. It was really hard, and it's blown up. Oh, that's so nice. Kind of reminds me of the Logic song and how the Logic song, because rap, talking about those kind of feelings, you don't expect it. Yes.

So UFC fighter, just one. It's the only way to get through. It's on you as a man who is able to access emotion and talk about them. It's up to you to, you come across as a manly man. It's up to you to put that message out there so that other men feel like it's acceptable. Because if they look up to you at all, we just got to have more people like that being emotional. Because, man. It's like a Tesla being fast.

You just need to hug Jordan next time you see him a little bit longer and be sincere about it. Try it. Yeah, no. Hold his hand on the golf cart. I'll push him. All right, guys. We got to go. Thank you so much for listening to the show today. I'll push him. All right, guys, we got to go. Thank you so much for listening to the show today.

Thanks, Andrew, for that long short story segment, but it was great. Look at Luigi. He already knows we're finishing up and you're going to go for a walk. Do you know that? All right, guys, do not be cuh. And Jack Russell Terrier. Missiles. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show,

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