The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #251 Let's Talk About It!

Episode Date: July 29, 2022

Nikki swears she washed all the manure off her hands from the mulch she picked up while walking Luigi. Nikki and Andrew relate to each other on impulsivity. Now that her home is organized, there is less to complain about. Another positive note, Nikki is starting to care less about what exterior forces think. She and Andrew talk about the pressures of crowd work. Nikki makes a promise about her next special and Andrew promises to never leave a cat in a burning building again. Besties leave messages for the Fanthrax segment about bailing on friends, wide vaginas and Taylor Swift. Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Get Pod Merch: Podshop.NikkiGlaser.com Nikki's Tour Dates: www.nikkiglaser.com/tour Andrew's Tour Dates: www.andrewcollincomedy.com   More Nikki: IG More Andrew: IG  More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Hello, here I am. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. Welcome to the show, everyone. It's Thursday. Is it Thursday? Somewhere. Jesus. Somewhere. Jesus. Somewhere.

Yeah, it's Thursday. It's the last day of the show for the week. It's been a good one. I think I got it all off. I got poop on my hands. Dog poop. From Luigi or the mic? I know.

Every day we're starting with poop smells but i got it off my hand i did the mulch technique that i did on um my reality show it might be the mulch not the poop it was poop i didn't use enough mulch i was in a hurry sure you didn't pick up mulch with poop yeah that's not what happened yeah manure mulch is poop i love the word manure manurism man is it a fun word though manure is a good word do you know what word i love that i learned yes didn't learn yesterday but i used yesterday and i was like as soon as i learned used it i go you think you're kind of cool for using that word. I just love it. Modality. I love that.

What does that mean again? I don't really know. I have a struggle. I can use it in a sentence. I like to find different modalities of improving my singing voice. I went to an Alexander technique lesson yesterday and I was

texting Chris about it and I was like, I just found this new mod yesterday and I was texting Chris about it and I was like I just found this new modality and I was like who are you just say new thing I just love the confidence where you don't know the exact definition but you're just going for it it's like a means to

you have it well it does apply in music so modal quality which is like what right what does that mean a particular mode in which something exists or is experienced or expressed okay i always hear it on asmr videos of like this modality of you know lengthening the spine it's always like massage techniques like different modalities of like lymphatic drainage or massage or uh there's different just like a different modality of if you use it wrong most likely the person

also doesn't know so he's not going to call you out on it because then you call it out and then you go well that's not used right and you're like well yeah i wouldn't my favorite um one of my favorite clips is when jennarner is on Conan's show. Oh, yeah. And he's like, and then you snuck past the person. She goes, Conan, snuck's not a word. Sorry. You should know that.

You went to Harvard. And he goes, and he looks like flabbergasted. And then they bring out a dictionary. And he goes, snuck, the past tense of sneak. And she just looked so, she's gorgeous in the clip it's one of the best times she's i mean she's so pretty in it so i guess it's worth it but she looks a little stupid but there's nothing worse than like being like um excuse me calling someone out and then being wrong oh it's almost a grammar nazi it's like a uh when they lose it's the best feeling i love it

yeah i love when someone's wrong when they're snooty oh my god it's the best feeling. I love it. Yeah. I love when someone's wrong, when they're snooty. Oh, my God. It's the best. It happens to me all the time. All the time. I've almost learned to not have it affect me. You know what? Another word that I love is my friend Jess told me one time that I was peripatetic. Oh, your legs didn't work?

Peripatetic. Peripatetic i mean yeah paralyzed i'm using i'm going off of that and then tedic well like what okay so but but para can be used in other words like paralysis yeah pair of legs it's not gonna help you find legs it means like you you jump from you travel from place to place all the time you're constantly in a different place so the opposite of parasailing you're tethered when you parasail have you ever parasailed yeah what did you feel a lot paratatic no um a little scared but also kind of like fun but also not worth it because i feel like these ropes might not work in this company we've hired. We just found these guys on a beach. Like, is this all a bum board?

It's so funny how we can trust a Bahamian who has red eyes. He's definitely stoned. And he was just like, hey, man, come on. And I swear to God, I didn't have a clip. Like, I had a clip, but it wasn't like. It was like a bag of chips clip. Yeah, it was a chip clip. it wasn't like... It was like a bag of chips clip. Yeah. Chip clip.

Yeah, it was a chip clip. Wasn't like a carabiner. I was like, this smells like sour cream. Yeah. And I don't know, but you trust them. It's like, have you ever done the rope? Why would I? I mean, there's not that many deaths of parasailing deaths.

Like, you would hear about it more. You fall in the water, I guess, with a parachute. I guess you'll be fine. Yeah. You know what I mean? A parachute? Is that why? There are two, right?

Isn't there like a little one up in there? Or there's a second one. Would you ever go skydiving? I did. You did go skydiving. Stupid or fun? The guy looked a lot like he had this whole vibe going on right now. Pink shorts and a tee.

Yeah, like you're like a cool, like you could be a skydiver in this look. What up, man? Yeah, yeah. Come tandem with me. You'll be safe up thereiver in this look. What up, man? Yeah, yeah. Come tandem with me. You'll be safe up there, man. I don't know, man. Are you sure you're qualified? I've had 1,400 falls in the past 12 months.

Man, I'm ready to do this. Yeah. You seem addicted. What are you running, falling from? What are you feeling? What are you falling from? But he had your vibe. Child support can't get you in the sky, man. He's maybe there's a shoot maybe there's not yeah shoot some ladders i was like what and yeah they are always

like what's his name remember the elaine's boyfriend on seinfeld the rock climber and he has a beautiful face and he falls george george becomes in love with him too because he's just so cool and george develops a crush and so then george goes rock climbing with him and then the guy falls because of some negligence on george's part i'm sure and elaine is just like but tell me about his face is his face okay because he's so handsome and she's just like is his face okay george has his face and he's like he'll never walk again and she goes and it's all bandaged up and she's just like, it just shows how shallow she is. You know, like the Juju Fruits episode

where she's going to meet her date at the movie theater and she's in line to get Juju Fruit before the movie and she's informed that her boyfriend who's meeting her got in a car accident and she decides to wait in line for the Juju Fruit.

And he goes, when did you buy those? When she shows up. She's she's like i came as soon as i and she's stuffing her face with them this is now just turning into a seinfeld have you seen that one yeah i mean when you you wouldn't go you don't want to go skydiving no i there's some things that i'll just go you know i never i can die without doing that you know like there's i things that I'll just go, you know, I never, I can die without doing that. You know, like, there's. I didn't give it much thought. It was a very, like, I drove through the night. No, you.

I planned it all. You should have seen the books I wrote on it before I jumped. I was thinking about you. Like, do you, we both are very similar in that we're very just impulsive and kind of just go like, oh, I'll do that. Yes, I'll do that. I'll go do that. I'm here. I'm in St. Louis. It was literally three days. What's the most you've ever planned for something like i feel like when you

get married this is what's gonna happen i have a prediction you're gonna get married vegas but then you're gonna do a real wedding later but you're going to do it impulsively like um your tattoos you're going to do it first yes insane like you're just gonna get the certificate and just do it and then you'll have a ceremony and the real thing later. You're going to show up one day and be kind of like... If I was marrying myself, I would agree with you. I think Brenna has

changed. That's what I'm saying. You're going to actually have a ceremony later. Yeah, but I think... I don't know if she would go with Vegas. I would do Vegas. I've noticed when you have a partner, these impulsesses you can't just it's my biggest issue in my relationship there it is kind of tough it is tough sometimes because sometimes i just want to like all right i'm going to nashville tomorrow and you're like

well why are you going i'm like i'm just i just had the impulse i want to go you know and then it's like it becomes a conversation and then you like, but I shouldn't have to give a reason. Chris looked at my schedule recently and was like, when did this all happen? I'm like, I'm gone until December every single weekend. He's like, were you going to maybe not that I'm going to say you can't go, but were you going to maybe just run this by me? And I'm like, you know, no, it didn't even occur to me. And you're so right. Like, that's something that in a partnership you need to do like you you should check with your partner like we have been living single for our

whole lives we've never had to check on anyone else that's why we chose comedy that's like we chose this path we don't have to account for anyone else everyone did chris did chris take care of your apartment while you were in new york with the organizing ladies well while i was in la actually so a few weeks ago two weeks ago yeah he completely i mean my place i'm looking at my podcast room right now which is a mess but my apartment i do not recognize it these two women um he found these two women to um who are like you know like the women on netflix's the home edit i haven't seen that but they just go in and they look at like hoarder spaces and they make them organized and stuff and for celebrities as well um and they it was awesome because he had

them come and i met them and we kind of walked through everything and i was kind of embarrassed because these women are like organized women my age with like a business. And I know I have a business, but do I? And it's none of your business. It's mine. I'm not asking. And I don't even know if it's mine. But I really had to like swallow my pride and not clean up for them.

Just like let them in and go, this is the way my life is. There are four LaCroix cans this is why they have a business yes and there was no judgment on their part you're nowhere near the worst case right nowhere near it's like it and even if you are it's fine like they don't care they're used to it that's their job that is their job and so they came in and like kind of talked about what I could want but I we didn't really get into it. It was probably like a 20 minute meeting with them, like walking through my apartment. And,

um, and then Chris was like, you know, I think it would be best if they came by at some point, you know, when you're in town and you worked with them for like three hours on like where to put things. And I was like,

uh-huh. And he was like, and then, and then they can kind of just go at it. And like, and I don't want to be here when I have a housekeeper here. I don't want to be here when I have an electrician doing anything, when someone's fixing the dryer, when someone's fixing my shower.

I don't like to be here. I would rather them rob me blind and go through my things and smell my panties, whatever they want to do. I would rather risk that than be there while they're there because I feel bad that they're doing they're like you know snaking my drain while i'm like on my couch on instagram you know like i just i don't i don't like i just like to leave and so and chris was so nice to even get these women to come and and organize this organization that i was like yeah okay um so I just I think maybe I could work with

him for like two hours and he's like yeah two or three like whatever it takes like four or five and I was like um and then I just started kind of freaking out and I was like maybe I'll hire my friend Taylor to do it she's really good at organizing organizer for an organizer yeah like hire her to do my work but hire her to do their work and i knew that i could just leave taylor to do it got you just or i wouldn't be embarrassed if taylor were here working for some reason that wouldn't bother me as much as like someone i don't know because i feel like i have to like offer them beverages and i don't have iced tea and like a nice pitcher that's like sweaty with like lemons at the top like i'm not a woman that like can have guests

i don't have enough zevia for you I only have enough for me again only thinking of myself and so Chris was like yeah I mean they but I think you should be here for a little bit just to like tell them where things go and I was like I think I'm just gonna have Taylor do it and he was like wait what's going on here and I was like I just I don't want to talk to anyone I don't want to have to interact and he was like okay and then we had like kind of a you know a moment of like what's going on here like why are you trying to weasel out of this this was like something you wanted to do and i was like i just i don't know i because i have to like talk to them and like make small talk even though i am a small talk

master i love talking to people and i small talk, like great small talk ladies. They're great. They were so nice. Yeah. But I just didn't want to like go through my things. Well, we build up these things in our heads. And because I have to be funny and entertaining, I feel like I have to like make, and I have to shit on myself the entire time

because there's no way I can go through the mess that is my apartment without constantly making fun of myself. Making an excuse. And doing that, piling on myself about how disgusting I am and like making myself feel better about how disgusting I am and like making myself feel better because

these women I know have like organized lives and like cabinets with like they have all their like oats in one like you know Tupperware container it says oats on it you know like that shit I can't and so I knew I was just gonna and I freaked out and I was like and Chris was like okay

let's just I'll let me see if they can just do it without you without involving you at all so he knew i was just gonna and i freaked out and i was like and chris was like okay let's just i'll let me see if they can just do it without you without involving you at all so he i didn't even know it was gonna even still happen because it was like months before that we hired them we picked a date and then the date i was like are we even gonna do this because i think chris and i broke up like 16 times between then and that date and then i think i got the invite and then to our breakup and then I did the date of them but yes and then

I I got back in town one day and it was done they were at my apartment for hours and hours and hours

it cost $10,000 I don't even say it out loud it doesn't matter the cost it doesn't matter what? $10,000

no yes I would have done it for fucking $10,000 it would. Yes. I would have done it for fucking $10,000. It would look worse, but. But is it, I mean, the stress. I don't give a fuck how much it costs. You know what?

That is a lot of money, and I know that that is me maybe bragging that I have that kind of money to toss around. I'm sorry that it's true, but I don't spend a lot in other places in my life, and man, was it worth it. I came home. I have a place for everything. Nothing in my life is disorganized. There's a couple piles that we still need to finish off. But by and large, I don't recognize. What happens when everything that you have a reason to be stressed about is no longer?

You did that once in New York where you organized everything. And I don't even think you had a storage unit like i still have a storage unit that kind of sits in the back of my head of like there's a bunch of fucking trash it changes everything it changed it really does it's so like jordan peters and be like you make your bed first and then you'll feel better it's it's kind of true yeah it's kind of true like downstairs like i we, like things are up to date. Like my laundry, I divided my laundry recently. I did darks. I know what the soil means now in the washer.

You know, the soil level depends on like what you're washing, what the soil should be. I mean, that's like heavy delicates or whites or towels. Like it has those settings, right? Yeah. We have the same washer dryer i'm guessing i think so but i'm just saying like i'm i'm taking these steps that i never and they're little steps that we just ignored our whole lives i know and i almost don't like it

because i go when i'm not complaining about i have to clean a room or that i have to do laundry what can i do with that time it's too clean and then i i have to do something with the time i have to fucking do the work that I'm putting off by saying I have too much to do. Oh, I see. So yeah, you can use it as a scapegoat

to not write a book. Man, it is fucking good to wake up and know where everything is and have a bin for your oats and a bin for your cords. And I will say the other day I asked Chris,

I was like, because he knows where everything is and I'm still learning. And I go, where are my cords? And he was like, in your guitar book. And I really liked that joke, even though it was a dumb dad joke.

I like that. It made me so happy. I was thinking corduroys, but yeah, that's good too. Oh God, it made me laugh. Yeah, so it was just like, and it was sweet because, you know, we have had some rough, we've had some rough terrain in our relationship recently, but now we're like so much better for it. I I really I know it's so embarrassing that we break up and get back

together so often and it's like and there were parts of me breaking up recently and being like oh I don't want to tell anyone and he felt the same way of like oh do I tell anyone because we'll probably get back together and that's embarrassing but I'm like no I have nothing to be embarrassed about like anyone who's like oh they get back together and break up all the time. Like, who cares what you think? Like, I'm so tired of like managing what other people think or like worrying that someone else thinks my relationship is not as strong. Like, I honestly think we are a better couple after nine years of breaking up and getting back together so much. We're so much stronger and can do almost anything that other couples that have just stayed together

and not really dealt with their issues are able to do. I think that we're in a better place than most couples that are just like, we've never broken up. I honestly think that we are. Not everyone. We've never had a conversation. I don't even know what his middle name is. Yes.

We just don't talk about those things. His grandfather was an alcoholic who committed suicide. I found that out through a website that I looked up. Oh, my God. Yes. Or something like that. Or I found it out when his uncle got drunk at Fourth of July last year. And I was like, what?

That happened? Yeah. And he's like, who are you? And he's like, and I molested your husband. And I was like, what? What is all this? So this explains a lot. This is why we don't go back to texas yeah it's i think that uh i've just been like paranoid about like oh people are

gonna think this and like i we recently broke up and i like told the the a lot of people in my life including like my um my like reps because it was factoring into something that was going on and i was like you know we're not together anymore and we were not together for like five six i think it was like a week hours oh and um and then last night and i'm so worried that like they're gonna judge me because i'm just like i don't ever want people that i'm work essentially my my reps are working for me but i forget that sometimes i always feel like I have to like keep them even though like sorry but they need me as much as I need you know it's a

but I always forget I feel like I have to like earn them so I let I'm going to Montreal on Saturday this or tomorrow actually there's this this taping that came up on Saturday and they they had a big name for this thing and apparently that person got COVID

so they're like desperately trying to find someone and they called me it was so funny they called me yesterday and they're like whenever two of my reps call me at the same time either I've lost something or I'm about to get something huge and there's nothing for me to lose really so like I I knew it was a good sign and they gave me this amazing offer. And I was just like, I kind of don't want to go. Like, I just don't feel like going to Canada. Every time I go, I feel like I'm smuggling drugs into the country. And the show I'm doing is all crowd work.

And so that scared me too. And so I was like, and the money is a lot of apartment organizations. Like it's really nice. And, but I was just like i was expecting this week off i was going to go to the naked bike ride in st louis which you and brenna should totally go to there's a naked bike ride on saturday that's my shirt on and have my dick no one has to be naked yeah you can winnie the pooh it thanks but i said to them be the first time i use my bike but yeah you said that yeah i was just like i don't want to do it and they both were like

what like this is maybe the best offer you've ever gotten in your life for 10 minutes of no material just crowd work and I was like I just my manager goes Nikki Glaser I never thought we'd reach the point where you would turn down amount of money for 10 minutes of

no material and I was like who am I Kevin Hart like but it's about me prioritizing that amount of money will not change my life that drastically except I'm going to do I realized I took the gig because I'm going to donate a big part of it because we just had a lot of flooding in St. Louis

and I'm going to donate it to different charities I'm going to take some of it and you know spend it on myself but I'm going to donate to Rolex and to Tesla yeah and then also water Stray Animal Rescue needs a couple new, you know, a package of red Solo cups for a fundraiser they're doing event in a little bit. So I'm going to throw a $10 thing at them.

That's so nice of you. We'll talk about more about all of this after we get back from this break. Andrew! Silence. Every rose has its silence. Silence on the storm. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show,

which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And we're back.

Yeah, so when I'm going to Montreal to do 10 minutes of crowd work. Do you do more time and then they cut it or do you have to just- That's what I asked. I think they said I can go like to 15 and I'm like- You're going to do 30. You're not going to gonna get 10 minutes of there's a bunch of people on the show that i love that's the thing about montreal is like it's the it's the just for last festival emile is there um the people like some of the people on the show with me are like natasha and pete holt like people i know and there's i think there's a lot of people there that i know i think

hannah burner is there and it's that sounds good when you go oh there's so many people there but i'm telling you i don't like you'll be in your room yeah i don't i'm not gonna be in my room i force myself to go out at these things but i don't want to be out at these things and i always have a good time but i don't like festivals because they're so social and they're so like you have to look cute every time you go to the lobby because you don't know who you'll run into there's especially just for laughs there's people constantly doing interviews in the lobby it's just a lot but chris is going to go with me so that'll be nice and then the crowd work thing like i kind of i agreed to it because i go okay i can donate

the money some of it not all of it but a lot of it and um no i'm gonna give a lot it's gonna be nice because we just had flash floods and so many animal rescues got fucking yeah i saw that taken out yeah i can't even handle it so um and and maybe some bird rescues too but uh i decided i was kind of nervous about crowd work what about when you were in new york did you go out because I mean like for when you were in New York you were at the comedy cellar like every night you had your tables um yes you would have your gigs at like the stands yeah exactly it was the the nightlife was like your social life did you yes recreate that during the day it wasn't like that it was like we did you up in the morning 11 o'clock done by no at no, at 10, done by noon.

Maybe go out to lunch or coffee afterwards, get Starbucks afterwards. And then I was back in bed or like hang it. You would maybe come over. And even when you're at the cellar, you tend to not sit at the main table. You make your own space. Yes. You make your environment what you want it to be. And that's what you would do.

That's what you're going to do in Montreal. You'll sit with Chris. You'll have a couple people come up. No need to overthink it. It's going to be great. Every time I overthink these things, do you get nervous about that kind of stuff too? Of course, but it never has ever been as negative

as I ever have thought or imagined. Even if I'm playing in Cleveland and there's another comedian in town and they're like, hey, let's get lunch. I'm just like, oh God, even if it's someone I want to see. Why is that? Why do we do that? I don't know.

I think we just. Crowd work, though. That would be that would stress me out a little bit. But you know what's not stressful about it is that I don't do crowd work ever. OK, you could open. So if I do poorly, I have an excuse. I never do it. Literally, people always think i'm such a crowd where people who haven't seen me live are like you're gonna roast me i've never once ventured

into the crowd unless i've been you know heckled which i do not ever want people to do i don't like it i feel out of control i feel like i'm at a mute i feel like i'm at a comedy festival with a bunch of people i know and i'm like god God, I can't control this. It would be funny if you just wrote like a bunch of bits and be like, oh, but have it like

on a piece of paper and be like, wouldn't that be kind of funny though? orchestrated. Yeah, it's so orchestrated. I was running by any scenario, like I was kind of

walking my dog last night just running through like, what would I say if somebody said this? And I'm like, I have a line for, I can just, if I brainstorm for and i'm like i have a line for i can just exactly if i brainstorm for 30 minutes i can have a line for anything and i've already come up with some that i'm like so excited to use well if you went into the scene if you went in the crowd off

the cuff there's probably 25 things that i could imagine that it's in the round the people that are there really already want to be talked to of course yeah because they signed up for this taping that is a crowd work show they're gonna does it go out to them like hey what do you want to hear about and then they don't really know i think that they're they've taped some of these before it's for um it's for meta on facebook so people with people can only watch it on facebook or oculus i'll be promoting it on my socials you know after i do it but um i just feel like the the reason ultimately that i didn't want to do it was that it was crowd work and it's like i can't control it

is ultimately the reason i did do it because if i fail there's a reason i never do it the audience could suck i could just be off it's not because i am inherently untalented it's like i am not good at this thing that i never do it's like asking asking someone to play, like, I don't know. Someone who's great at ping pong might not be good at tennis. And it seems like it would be the same thing, but it's a different skill set. Well, I think when you think of crowd work, you think, I have to be as witty and as quick as possible.

But your stand-up, you write from stage usually. Yes. Your crowd work can be similar to your stand-up in the sense of you don't need to fucking be like and then but like this like quick it could be more like oh i'm gonna dive into this subject that you're talking about and there will be jokes involved can i but i just want to talk about can you i think you'd be really good at a crowd work show can we like do a little yeah like see what you do put me on the spot okay i'll see what happens i mean i don't even i asked you i was gonna put myself on the spot but i'm like i'm too nervous i'm a little nervous about it right now just because i don't feel like defensive i just think it's like watching

tv with you yeah it's so much fun watching tv with you nikki because you do crowd work at the tv like whatever we're watching and it's always so funny that is the most fun thing about that's why i don't watch tv without people there because i like to comment and i and it's always so funny. That is the most fun thing about, that's why I don't watch TV without people there because I like to comment and I, and you think about crowd work, it's like, the bar is so low.

Yeah. Like no one expects it to be great. It's like when I do The Edge. And then I realize like, stand up comedy, because it's not off the cuff, there is no excuse

not to, for everyone to not be as good as Mulaney. Like I am like, or I just have a joke every second. The only reason comedians aren't as good as like a Mulaney or like whoever you put at your top. I look at those people and sometimes they go on. That's kind of untouchable. Like that's just he's just so rapid fire funny.

Everything is the funniest. It's like all he did was actually sit down and figure out what's the funniest thing by writing it and thinking about it in quiet or however he writes however many hours that took and then he memorized it that's that's how you get that good thing and i don't do that because i don't like to memorize because it takes too much time and i don't like to write because it takes too much time so i am getting by not even doing like stand-up comedy i've literally had an epiphany last night i was like the only reason i'm not as good as i really want to be which i'm definitely good but as good as i want to be is because i just don't want to

memorize things because i'm capable of writing as funny stuff as anyone i just know that my brain like i trust that i am a good writer comedy writer i just don't um make myself memorize boredom no it's memorization because if i write a paragraph of like jokes and it can be just joke joke joke joke joke but memorizing all of that is a little bit difficult it's sometimes i can do it but it's just harder for it's easier for me to memorize the wording of one joke than it is for me to memorize uh you know obviously like a paragraph and how to say each line exactly but i find this story is very easy to memorize when it's a bit like a bit then yeah i'm in the shower like literally st louis is like ukraine like like i'm constantly memorizing.

Yes. Constantly. And that's just for 10 minutes. But then the second you sound memorized on stage, you lose them. So it is. I'm not saying it's not of a huge talent. Like, my friends all went and saw Mulaney the other night. And they're like, it's almost, you don't even want to hear about it.

Because they just are like, it's next level. It's just, it's next level it's just it's next level he was at the enterprise center and a hockey rink he's his first arena tour it was the second night of his arena tour in st louis and they were like it's insane how good he is and it's like god damn it like it just and i go what if you looked at it though from like a musician like the perspective of how musicians do it, where there's something about being in the moment. They know the songs, they play the songs all the time,

the same, you know, like the same chords and structure, but there's an element of being in the moment that makes it special. And that you can't memorize. That's what I'm able to do that I'm good at is memorizing things and making it seem in the moment because it is in the moment because I'm throwing in new things.

But there is, there has been with me a laziness about my writing because i can write on stage and so it's like the it's like um how can i compare this to something else it's like whatever you do for i think everyone listening could knows that they could do their job better right i don't know that there's anyone, even Mulaney, if he is listening, is probably like, I could do it better than I'm doing it. You know, like, I could work. You know, he,

I don't know why I sound like Kennedy, but even he probably has some room to improve. But I am leaving so much room because, you know, the classic fear of if I do try and then I fail, then what excuse do I have? Because I always have the excuse of I'm not trying hard enough. That's always my excuse.

It's always like, oh, well, I got to clean my room. Now I don't. If you eliminate that excuse and actually try. So I last night, this is all very tangential and we'll get to you doing crowd work at some point. But we don't have to. I know you're like, look, we're not. I'm just thinking about different subjects of what I've written so far.

What, really? But I would have riffs, organized riffs. What do you mean? You know, you go up and you're like, but meanwhile you've written it on your head. Yeah, I just like start writing a joke for every color shirt there could be. Look at fucking Charlie Brown over here.

Oh, look at Bart Simpson. Look at this bald guy. Look at this. Look at Bart Charlie Brown over here. Oh, look at Bart Simpson. Look at this bald guy. Look at this. Look at Bart Simpson. Fucking your shirt. I don't even know what I would say. Look at this monochrome bitch. Yeah.

See, that's funny. Yeah. But oh, I can't be. Wow, look at this male nurse. Can I tell you the three things that they say I can't do? Not R-rated, which how the hell do you do that? That's wild. But that's my other excuse for if i'm not good

you're taking away my paint like that's how i paint with my period blood and so they take away that also this is the order no jokes about suicide no jokes about meta man they know you meta world peace no jokes about suicide no jokes about meta and no jokes about and and no r-rated material it's like i love that they gave suicide first but then they're like meta is a close second don't you dare make fun of us yeah yeah yeah they did you know they wanted to start with meta and someone goes we can't go meta then suicide like the order has to you know what about zuckerberg can you go after that fucking probably not because it's all meta i can go after

his dead eyes i don't even know what meta is that's another thing i would like to go after like the i'm going to go after the concept of meta's a new name for facebook facebook changed the name to meta no one's calling it that no one even in the email they're like don't make fun of meta by the way this will only be viewable on facebook i'm like well you know you're already yeah so um i think it's just for zucker. No, but I read this thing. I've been reading some because I have a special out and because people are I'm like in people's faces, there's more critique going on than ever. And there's been like a couple of things I've come across that are just like, I don't even read the article. I don't go into reading the subreddit like i won't give it my time but sometimes you

just get hit by the headline or like the subreddit title and you're you just see your name and you read the sentence and you're like fuck why did i read that then you gotta keep reading and then you see there's 121 comments and you're like wow this is a lot of people have feelings about whether or not i'm a total trash is it funny though when it is 57 comments it's like this this guy just and they're none of it has to do with the video that they're watching oh yeah this is crazy this wasn't this was just someone posting on a subreddit like they go am i i can't i don't even want to give it any anyway it was an opinion someone had about me and then 121 comments about that opinion and the

opinion was a backhanded compliment which is all i get now and um someone was reviewing another female stand-up thing recently and so i get google alerts because my name's showing up in their reviews because they can't possibly compare her to a male comic they got to throw me under the bus so they're like much like nikki glazer is great at this and terrible at this i'm like why do you even need to throw me into this? Make it about her. Why is it about me? And why don't you mention any other male standups in this review? It's only female standups.

So I was kind of getting in, like I was, I sent it to like, I send all this stuff to Anya and to Chris because they love me. And I know they're never like looking for reasons to like, not like me. So I'm always like giving, giving them the stuff. Cause maybe they'll get in there and like mix things up and defend me even though I don't really need that

even though part of me wants that and I was feeling like oh god damn it and for the first time ever I wasn't I didn't get sad and like want to cry or like cut myself because of these mean things being said even though I didn't read them. I only read like the top headline. I got like, oh, you think I'm not good at this thing? You don't even know. I haven't been trying, honey. Like I've been doing what I want to do and what feels good to me,

but I haven't really sprinted yet and I'm going to whoop your fucking ass. So my next special is going to be so fucking good. All crowd work. No crowd work no no talk about i have this new like taylor swift it's all about meta suicide and r yeah i'm only using words that start with r um it's well i'm already doing that um but rape and so i uh yeah no Yeah, no, it's good. But I've never felt that way before.

Usually it just depresses me, which is what they want you to do because all these people writing these things have zero talent for the talent they're judging. They're not stand-up comedians. Even if they are, they're much worse than I am, 100%. No one's on a Reddit post as a stand-up comedian

writing like... I've never posted on... No, it's probably Mulaney on mulaney yeah yeah you know he could do everything he does everything right yeah right he could even write comments that make the other comedians feel terrible that's so funny i mean i i get it i think i think there's certain people that love mulaney that he he fits their their look subjectively he's great but there's some people that just love him because they remind them of them you know like there's like this love for him that's like i feel sometimes it's like

okay but the thing is i believe that about him like i think he is the most flawless performer he is he is the best for his special taping. And it's infuriating. But again, there's these things that I think we know as comics where it's like, if you see this guy one time in the most amazing setting ever, one time every four years, the guy's, you're probably going to think he could do a lot of wrong and he'd still be great. I've seen him experimental. I mean, the guy – some people are just flawless.

Some people are just Usain Bolts. Some people are LeBrons. And you need other people on the team. Reminds me of the Teal Swan documentary when you brought up Usain Bolt. Did you see that when the guy questions? We can get into that. Oh, my God. I loved – did you see that?

I started – I'm like uh one and a half episodes oh god it hurts me she sucks so much and i feel like she's one of those women like if her hair was not all on one side of her head it would fall off or something like what is it about her putting all her hair on this side of her fucking head it's it's it's creepy right and i feel so sad for her because obviously she's the way she is because terrible things happen to her i thought it was because of her eyebrows they don't go far enough in that's the problem did brenna say that too no i actually i noticed it yeah they're all and then brenna goes guys notice eyebrows way more than i thought they did and i was like just when they're when they're not complete yeah um yeah it's uh i but i felt last night i was like i said because chris

was like talking me off the ledge about these things and not really he was just like listen i and it's that's why it's nice to have a partner whose opinion you respect and who's like – a partner you respect. He was in your industry. Like he gets it. Yes. And I like everything he watches. Like I think that he has the best taste in comedy and TV and film. Like I just – we have – and best taste meaning like very close to mine. Like I put him, I can't see myself objectively, even though I think I can.

And I think I do a pretty good job of it, but I don't. And a lot of times I'm shitting on myself way more than I need to. And I'm much more harsh on myself. But then you read these critiques where you go, see, this person sees it. This person knows exactly what I'm talking about. I'm not as good as they say I am or whatever it is. And the thing is, yes, I may be not the best stand-up comedian, but I am definitely better at being myself than most people are. And I'm better at resonating with people that maybe feel like they aren't being heard.

Like I contain multitudes that aren't just me being a proficient joke writer which i also am but you can't get mad at yourself for because you you haven't done the thing that you can't judge your if you're judging yourself if you wrote like look at some of your late night sets right they're the tightest jokes you've ever seen in your life the most some of the most well written jokes if that was an hour of your material it could be i just haven't worked that hard yeah that's the hardest i ever work is roast sets yeah tonight so you can't be hard on yourself until you do that and fail i know that's what i'm saying but it's like why didn't i why don't i do that it's okay the thing is it's not like i'm being lazy i don't want netflix or hbo to be like oh we gave her a special and she just phoned it in like it's it's because i've been doing what i want to do and i want to do what makes me happy and what makes me happy is being a little bit looser a little bit more free form a little bit

more and and not being so and i don't i'm not on like copious amounts of adderall that's also a thing that prevents me from working as hard as other people this is gonna sound corny wink wink remember when we had um i think her name is like Heather Moynihan and she goes, she's like a motivational coach and she goes, the secret to being successful is not working harder. It's working smarter. And it sounds like that's what you're doing. Yes.

And that's why I'm starting to say no to certain things because it's like, I need to be, I, if I say yes to everything why I'm starting to say no to certain things because it's like I need to be I if I say yes to everything I'm just I end up being so tired that and I can't really see it as tired because it's like all I've done is podcast today like how is that hard work but it just drains your mind my mind is constantly running like I don't think people's minds are running as much as mine is and i don't know that they aren't because i can't be in anyone else's mind but i have a feeling my mind is going a lot more than other people some this some bestie just wrote to me and was like you need to read the divergent mind and it's about women who might be autistic who are not diagnosed with it because

she was like i think you might be autistic. And I was like, yes! Finally. Finally! I feel seen. And so I'm starting to read this book, but I do feel exhausted by my mind sometimes. But I do want to say I am so inspired. My next special is going to be

the answer to everything, anything that any stand-up critic can say about me, which I say about myself because I know what I'm lacking in. And if I could do it, I would. I just wasn't able to work as hard everything anything that any stand-up critic can say about me which i say about myself because i know what i'm lacking in and if i could do it i would i just wasn't able to work as hard in that way i wasn't able to work as smart in that way before and i'm grateful for it because my jokes and my stand-up were loose and inapproachable in a way that maybe other more polished stand-ups aren't but my next special is going to close the argument is going to silence anyone who

says i'm not one of the best stand-ups out there here's the thing you're still gonna get critics they won't be able to honestly they won't no but i'm just saying like people it's not messy enough she's not loose enough yeah yeah and you know what i won't care at all because i'll go well then look at my other specials where i was loose like i can do it all i get it i'm just saying my point being is that like and if it motivates you yes fucking feel the motivation i'm not here to ruin i'm just saying people on the internet will always find a negative and try to bring you down you know who gets brought down jesus christ you know my buddy had a joke he's like yeah he's like the dalai lama i saw a video on him where he's saying spread love and peace it has eight million thumbs down

yes so you're never or yeah so you're never but if it motivates you fuck yeah but i also wrote in their face those people that are saying these things about me if they the girl that wrote the thing about me when she said her stand-up special wasn't messy enough i'm like well that you i don't really care about your assessment because i you're wrong it was in my mind too messy but in a great way but like um but the person that says she's overrated and uh her stand she's great on roast but her stand-up whatever they say i'm like yeah you're kind of. Like I could work as, but if I worked as hard on my standup as in the past that I do on roast, I would die. Because roasts are a 10 minute set.

I would have died. Now with my life becoming more clear, I'm meditating, I'm working on myself. I can have space to work harder and I'm losing that fear I have of working harder and then not being able to achieve it. I let go of that, so I'm not scared to work harder. And so my next special is going to be my version

of Taylor Swift singing the song Mean that she wrote about a critic who said she can't sing at the Grammys when she sang with Stevie Nicks in like 2000-whatever. When she first appeared at the Grammys, she sang with Stevie Nicks, and her voice was not where this critic thought it needed to be and she said they said that she was a bad singer and so she wrote the song mean and then she goes to the grammys and wins a grammy for that out wins

multiple grammys for that album sings the song mean written about this critic who wrote about her at a previous emmys or grammys and then in the middle of it so one of the lines is someday I'll be living in a big old city and all you're ever gonna be is mean and so last night I sent it to Chris I was like I'm gonna have this moment someday with all these people and it's not like I really care like getting revenge at three people it's like he was like this is

like why Michael Jordan went on to win six championships like people doubted him and he was like oh I'm gonna prove you wrong yeah when his varsity coach didned him. And he was like, Oh, I'm going to prove you wrong. Yeah. When his, his varsity coach didn't start him, but he was also in ninth grade. Like there's more to this story. And I'm 39.

You are about to be. But that little thing, it's so funny when you're so good at something, you have to find something that gets you out of fucking bed. Yes. If you don't, then you're just going to go, I am great.

I don't want to be motivated by proving my haters wrong because that's so stupid. Three haters. Three or four or 121 comments of haters that I don't know because I didn't read it. And please don't go into that subreddit and look. Andrew, please do not do it because I don't need that. Which one are you talking about? I'll tell you about it. Please don't.

Please don't research these things. I know you're going to. No, stuff like that makes me sick. I'm doing less of all that stuff. But on other people, I know for yourself, but please. Stuff like that makes me sick. I'm doing less of all that stuff. But on other people, I know for yourself, but on myself, don't look it up

because I can see how that would be interesting on some days when you hate me to go, I want to read about people hating her. That's a good point. Please don't do it.

Tomorrow maybe. It will not be nice. Just tomorrow. Just keep being nice. But this is what she did. At the Grammy, she was like, you're a liar

and pathetic and alone in life and mean and mean and mean and mean and mean. And she goes, someday I'll be singing this at the Grammys. And all you're ever going to be is mean. Yeah. And it's like this guy was probably watching at home.

And how good did he have to feel that I inspired all of this? Yes, exactly. So thank you, haters. Yes. And all he has is his misery, basically. I know. But she is funny to be so like, you're a liar, and you're pathetic, and you're alone in life, and mean.

And your name's Dave. Don't you sound kind of mean right now? You're 5'7". You smell like shit. And print journalism is going away. You're going to be broke. Find a new job. Your wife hates you.

All right, so. But I'm not motivated by that. No, not at all. Let's take a break and come back with Fan Brag. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on the daily show ears edition podcast the daily show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture you get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment politics sports and more from john and the team of correspondents and

contributors the podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, it's time for Fan Thrax. Let's do it. Fuck it! Oh my God, that's scary you that's too loud sorry sorry i was feeling your fiance oh baby dog baby dog baby oh my god i had the most absurd were you here for the fire alarm yesterday no i heard that i got an email about it dude Dude, it was literally like one of those, like, what's it called?

Those old school black and white videos where it's like. That was me trying to get my cat to get out of the building. Because you thought it was a real fire? I couldn't get the cat. It took me seven minutes to get the cat. You just leave the cat. No, I was going to die in you just leave the cat no i was gonna die in that building yeah i was gonna die in that you would die for your cat no i would have jumped out at the last second i'm on the third floor but that's sweet of you so there's a ps here's a psa you can

if you go to your local fire department you can get a sticker and you can put it on your window or your door that says there's a pet in here so they know to skip it bring the barbecue sauce i was not gonna kill another cat i couldn't i couldn't oh right you already lost a cat in a fire fuck that's triggering chasing this cat it went under the bed i'm sweating you didn't know it was a drill you don't even understand what time and the cat can't run on wood so he's just going it's like a car going. And he's going. And then he speeds up when he gets on the kitchen rug. And then it was like 5.30.

I couldn't get the cat. It took me like seven minutes. And then everyone else had a perfect little bag for their cat. And I'm holding Mango no bag. And he's clawing my. I'm just holding this fucking cat. It was wild. Anyways, go ahead, Fanthrax.

And you finally got Mango out and you took Mango outside? Yeah, I took Mango outside. So I'm outside just holding him while everyone else has a nice little carrier for their cat. But did you realize, was it still going off and that's why you didn't go back in? Because it was loud and annoying? Yeah, everyone was out there. I was out there for like a half hour, 20 minutes.

Oh my god, was everyone hanging out and chilling? Did you get to know people in the building? I'll tell you what. If you're a guy, go buy a kitten. It is so much better than a puppy. Because no one expects you to be holding a kitten. And everyone's coming up to you? Oh yeah.

It's just a wild. It's so funny. I never see, I don't know anyone in our building. I knew one couple. I know one couple and that's it. I met another guy that had orange cats out there. Oh, cats? Yeah.

Cats. Cats. All right. Let's get the fan back. They're called tabbies. When you're in the biz. The carrots. Let's start with Alyssa.

Hey, besties. So you guys were talking about bailing the other day on the podcast. Oh, yeah. besties uh so you guys were talking about bailing the other day on the podcast um i was just thinking about how my best friend bailed on my wedding oh this is jamie it was because she couldn't find a hotel but she told my other best friend that it was because she wanted to see dr strange the friday night before instead of driving up so i mean sometimes it's okay to get really really angry at somebody for bailing at least in this exception it is totally i still don't want to talk to her or hang out with her yeah i think that's shady but uh thanks and jamie jamie um i love that i got a question for you if the friend goes hey you know i'm obsessed with dr strange it's the only time i could ever i don't even know what dr strange i don't either is it a concert like dr who i don't know what it

is yeah it's it's uh if they're honest with you and they go look I would love to go to your wedding then it should be okay then that's okay but it should be it's the line well no I don't think it should be okay it should be like

really yeah but if it's something that's only oh it's a movie oh maybe it was like one time it was playing

or maybe it was it was probably opening night and they wanted to go with all the other Dr. Strange dorks fuck that that's a best friend. That's bullshit. Yeah, did she say best friend or like friend?

I think she said best friend. And also the friend lied and said it was about a hotel. That's always so fucking squirrely when people lie. Just be honest. Just be honest about it. And then it would be much better if the person was honest. And I wonder if Jamie has confronted this person yet. Sounds like she hasn't.

It sounds like she said, I'm still not talking. Oh, I hate liars. I hate that so it's just such a wussy thing man yes god just just also it was the next day yeah and it didn't sound like it was she was flying she didn't want to drive the next day so was she gonna get fucked up at dr strange i don't even know what's if i ever get married like how i was even thinking last night, I'm like, okay, if I do who will I invite? Like how deep will I go in my friends? And I'm like, I really have paranoia about

making people go to things because even though weddings that I go to, I always love them and I have a good time and I look forward to them. I just know culturally we all kind of roll our eyes at weddings and they all seem to be kind of be like oh god i've won i've five weekends this summer that i get to like have a time and now one of them is devoted to this fucking thing would you do

destination or no i really i know chris would want a really big one i don't think i'd want one because i would feel so bad about making my friends go to my wedding. I wish people would tell us. So I'm gonna use this time to tell you, Nikki, I wanna be invited to your wedding. And if you don't come to my wedding- I know you would wanna go. And you know I wanna go to yours. But I do have the Father of the Bride 6

is coming out. It's coming out. Three weeks before that. On that Friday before. Yeah, and I just- I will never be so exhausted from it if you don't uh accept my invitation yeah right i would totally like that's like small wedding will include both of you no matter what but it's like you just think those like you know third tier

like like like the ones that you go i know that they're not going to want to go to this because most of my friends are comedians and we travel every fucking weekend and I don't want to take one of their weekends where they don't have to travel away I think comedians should be nicer and not have big weddings so that they're

unless I heard something Mark Norman's having his wedding not on a weekend because of that yes well he's just like oh I gotta go to you know baltimore yeah something with a b yeah bye minnie i am uh bevin hart yeah he's um what is that club that i was trying to reference i can't remember the one in baltimore the one in baltimore it's so bad and the the name is bad and i couldn't even think of it god fucking my brain is not working um yeah i think that um and there are times where people have weddings and i go why

wasn't i that's kind of shitty i wasn't invited then i always go oh good i wasn't like it's the best thing ever but that's i really was like i kind of don't want to get married because i don't want to have to invite people and make them feel like they have to go to things. I even feel that way about like my specials or like when I'm in town for something and like everyone has to go. And I'm like, oh, my God, these people don't want to go. It's like the Nikki Glaser day. They feel like they have to. Yes.

Yeah, I get it. It's not something. I just want to. I just want to elope. I get that. I got a wedding invitation. And then I had a second invitation. I responded to the first one thinking I did enough.

Didn't respond to the second one. Then I have another family member reaching out to me going, why didn't you respond to the second one? Why did they send two? I don't know. Like one digital, one physical? And my mom goes, hey, your aunt said you never responded. Why is this becoming a thing? If you're getting married in your 20s, I'm not interested.

Yeah. Honestly, I can't make it to this one because there's going to be another one. I'll come to the second one because this one, I just don't have any interest in people getting married in their 20s. I just don't think it's going to last. But the second one, I'm not going to. I don't believe it. You haven't been together long enough. People always go, oh, you and your boyfriend have been together on and off for nine years.

How does he not put a ring on it? Because we're smart. And we wanted to wait until we were sure. Most people need to wait a little bit longer. I have no interest in 20-something weddings. None. Not going to go. Not coming.

That's my new thing. That's my Dr. Strange. Well, how many 20-year-olds are invited to their weddings? I know there's so many listeners that are my dr strange well how many 20 year olds are invited i know there's so many listeners that are like i got married in my 20s and we're great okay fine i know that i know there are exceptions but most of my best friends all got married in their 20s and their marriages are great and um but there's just something i just don't and if you haven't been together at least four years before you get married that's where i'll count me out i just there's a lot of people that say like the indian culture married never met

well if you're in yeah it's better if you're married at first sight i'm in that's fascinating you're gonna lift the balance of your bride for the first time i want to be there for that year and a half you can't hide the grimace on your face. But I think four years. If you haven't been together four years by the time you say I do, not by the time you're engaged, but by the time you say I do, I don't trust this is going to work. Is that a weird thing to put up with?

No, I mean, it's negative. How long have you been with Avi? Since 2018, so we're looking good. You're looking good. You guys are good. If you live together, it expedites if you live through two olympics i'm i'm on board summer winter summer and winter wow just two just a full season of olympics every four years but the uh oh yeah if you live with them i think it expedites things but other than that yeah no it does not it does no it doesn't no how what are you saying

you have you have three more years before you can meet my criteria what i'm saying i'm not even talking about me per se i do think of course you are but i think it expedites things it doesn't what are you talking i'm living with someone i know more about her than if i didn't live with her yes but i just don't think that it's still that you need four years of everything from the second you meet them until you get married four years why is this a college thing for you why is it what about a summer program some people that can be expedited through this for sure if you are like older i'm a prodigy if you have been around longer like you maybe get to get i'm gonna die soon yes so yes you i'm in dog years of how long yes and and if there are fertility

things involved sure you can you can fucking jump the gun because you want to be married before you have a kid whatever it is but i just uh i'll go to your wedding but i don't think you're gonna make it and maybe that's i've got invited to a second wedding i'm like i'm not gonna pay 500 for another suit that i'm gonna wear one time for a second wedding. You can get me on the first. I'll do it on the first. No, I love second weddings. That's the one that will stick or the third.

I don't believe in first weddings. If you are getting married under four years together at your first wedding, that's where you can go less than four years, if it's your second wedding. Okay. Because you know more, and you know what you want more. And I do think that by the time, it has to be for a presidential term.

Okay, well. Okay, ready for the next voicemail? Yes. All right. I think I'm, let's see. This is Kate. There's a lot of asterisks here. I mean... Watch me.

Like, I mean, they're... But yet I'm on the host of F.Y.L.N. and I believe in all these people's love and they meet for two weeks. I'd love to see you do a debate show where you debate... You have a strong opinion and then you break it down why you were wrong

by the end of it. That would be a really funny joke. I mean, that's all I do all day is have strong opinions, and then someone goes, actually, me and my boyfriend have been together. And you're like, well, actually, that's different. And I'm like, actually, I believe in your love. Okay, I'm wrong.

I mean, it's fucking modality. Didn't Ari work there? Inside joke. Oh, modal sports models here's katie hi guys quick story for you so yesterday i'm at the gynecologist for my annual exam and i'm sitting in the room waiting for the doctor to come in they have all the supplies ready to go and i noticed there are two speculums One is a size small and the other is a medium. So of course I'm wondering which one are they going to use? Now I have a huge vagina, big gaping lips hanging down to the knees. Honestly, I thought they would probably have to call for a

large. So the doctor comes in, he does his thing. He leaves the room, the appointment's over. I was absolutely shocked to see that he used a small speculum on me. I even told my boyfriend this story and he guessed that he used the medium. So I'm calling in as a PSA to all the vagina insecure besties that you could be a small speculum girl too. Don't give up. I have a renewed sense of confidence. I'm on such a high.

Life is amazing. Thanks so much. Love being a bestie. Love you all. Bye bye. Love you. That's so exciting because it doesn't matter what's on the outside it's what's on the inside well i have a friend who is one of the tiniest people i've ever met in my life and she claims that her vagina is cavernous in a way that anytime she does an inversion pose in yoga her vagina sucks in all the air because she

cannot contain that it will open wide and like like a whale that is feeding on krill that just opens its mouth and just catches something yeah that's how her vagina does and then when she comes out of the inversion pose like whatever headstand she it goes like queefs for so long. All the air comes out, blowhole in the sky. And she's the tiniest person I know. And it makes me so happy that she has a gaping puss. I love it. I don't know what I am.

And I'm so excited to hear that. That is funny though, that you looked at those and you were like, am I a medium or a small? What are they going to use? And what will my worth be after? Honestly, maybe the doctor is just a nice guy. Maybe he sees a gaping gigantic.

He's like, I can't get it in. It's so tiny. It's so tiny. Oh, my hands hurt. It's like, but meanwhile. It's so funny that women have no concept of other women's pussies. So we don't know what we are comparatively.

I only know what mine is. And I have no idea. I can't do like, you know, stick my finger up my vagina. It's not like I can play Operation where like I don't touch the sides of it. Like you stick a finger in, I'm touching everything.

Well, you could have a, I've noticed this about vaginas in my expertise, whatever. Like, the wet – you could have – starting vagina can be tighter than later on. Yeah, you get more relaxed, you open up. So it really all ends up opening up, and it's really about the wetness. The doctor is holding a cat. Yeah, because that is awkward. Because we know that. That is about the wetness. It depends on if the doctor is holding a cat. Yeah, because that is awkward. Because we know that. That is a fucking wet machine.

But I'm just saying like all vaginas end up being cavernous once you get in there, you know? I mean, that's why in porn, like every time they're doing anal or like fisting in porn, which I only know because I've heard, whenever a guy is trying to get his whole hand up a woman, I'm always like fucking vibe, put a Hitachi wand on her clit.

Like she needs to like come a lot to open up. Like you don't, I think that I will be able to give birth if there's a Hitachi wand there with no issue, the baby will just slide on out because these, you gotta be like horned up and then your body loosens to accommodate a dick. There's nothing funnier than the doctor being like, look, she's almost coming.

Sometimes I think women do come during. I just love that he's like playing Barry Manilow or whatever. Or fucking trying to get you all horned up so you can fucking have a kid. It's so funny all right just four more guys fucking her she'll be ready to have this baby like that's the problem there's no mood lighting in hospitals you know what i mean screens yeah oh there isn't i mean i really do think that there's so many times i'm watching porn and i'm just like god even these guys who fuck women for a living don't know how to fuck women it's so it's so funny because women know how women know would

know how to fuck women better than men yet we are not the ones fucking women generally final thought next fanfrax okay let's get to all doctors turn your patience on before birth do not do that oh unless you're filming a porn that I'm going to watch later. Perfect doc. All right. This one is from Jay. Oh my God, I have such an itch in my mouth. In your mouth?

Yeah, I keep doing this thing. You know, Teal Swan did that thing where she's like. Oh yeah. Did you see that? I've been doing that recently

to itch something in my mouth. Like I just go like this. Can you hear it? Yeah. Oh wow. Where's it itchy? On top? Like on the roof in my mouth. I just go like this. Can you hear it? Yeah. Oh, wow. Where's it itchy? On top? Like on the roof of my mouth.

Did you eat something hot? I know. It's just been doing it the past couple of days. It's just been this itch. Like you need drinking Gatorade. And it's turning into a tick for me. I don't like it. Okay, let's get to this fan prize.

Okay, here's Jay. Hey, no jerky. Jay the Bestie here. Let's have some real talk. Okay, we need to talk about Taylor Swift. I am starting to date about Taylor Swift. Okay. I am starting to date someone. He seems nice.

We might be happy. And my biggest concern about being happy in a relationship is not enjoying Taylor Swift anymore. Okay? Her best songs are about heartbreak and breakups. So if I'm happy, am I going to, like, relate to her anymore? I mean, even you, Nikki, said that you haven't been listening to her as much. Yes, I know. And you're in a relationship seemingly happy relationship like that's my huge concern but

on another note of taylor on the song all too well yeah let's talk about you know how like you talk about misunderstanding lyrics or um hearing them differently so when i hear the lyric your sweet disposition my wide-eyed gaze i always just think of like her gay fans looking up at her with wide eyes on stage yes like my wide-eyed gaze and i am one of your wide-eyed gays taylor oh my god um but yeah i don't know why i always think of that that's all i wanted to say jay the bestie oh my god I love these besties signing off on their names. Jay, love you. Would listen to a podcast from you because you are quick and you are just like

to the point. Let's talk about it. Great name for a podcast. Oh my god. So good. Let's talk about it. Okay. Let's talk about it. Yes. That is a big concern of mine when I went through one of my 18 breakups recently. Man, I was back in the Taylor Swift. But I do feel like there are great songs that even if you're in a happy

relationship, you're going to have ups and downs. It will never be perfect. And you're going to get into songs like this is me trying like that's a song you can listen to while in a relationship. If you're like fighting, you can also appreciate songs like lover or daylight or, you know what i think would be

amazing that you could do because that has nothing to do with the besties might be a little homework put together like a playlist of happy taylor swift songs yeah i mean i could go through them right now but um uh i think that there are so many songs within her catalog that you just and you know what it does jay it gives you a chance to appreciate songs of hers that you haven't in the past because a lot of times i just love what i love of hers because i have fallen in love with those songs because i relate to them so much but now you are about to relate to so many songs that you would have overlooked in the past and you might even think you don't like those songs and you could go back and have new appreciation for them um and they're just you

know i i but i agree with you it's um it is tough it's tough too if you play this song like i i found this guy on tiktok he's called stick season is the name of the song and it's about a breakup i think you'd like it it's pretty basic but i enjoyed it i played it for brenna and it's about a breakup. I think you'd like it. It's pretty basic, but I enjoyed it. I played it for Brenna and it's just about a breakup. Was she like, what are you trying to tell me? Yeah, what is this?

And I was like, but it made me want to play it more because it's just so funny to play a breakup song to the person you love. Oh my God, you know what? I did the same thing with Chris.

I was like sharing him all these songs because we broke up last week for a couple of days and I was listening to Harry's House, Harry harry styles new album yeah and oh my god it's so good but there's this song that i think jay you can even listen to even in a healthy relationship and it's called about it um little freak let's talk about it yeah go ahead and it's i love the chorus because it goes um i'm just thinking about who you are, your delicate point of view. I'm just thinking about you.

And it's like just thinking about an ex-boyfriend or an ex-girlfriend. It's like, I'm not worried about where you are or who you will go home to. I'm just thinking about you. And you can sing that about anyone in your past because it's not talking about, I'm not like jealous of who you're with i'm not you know longing to be with you romantically i'm just

thinking about you and i hope you're happy out there so that's like a song that i was listening to and kind of like thinking about chris when we were broken up and i was just like so sad and almost looking forward to when i could think about him in that way and not long for him but now i'm like oh wait now that we're back together, I get to still have that song for all the other men in my life who I still do have affection for, but I don't want to be with.

It's just the sweetest song. I love that song. It's called Little Freak by Harry Styles. Check it out. It's on repeat for me constantly. I love it so much. Are you into Harry Styles? Probably too much.

I'm like really into him. Do you know that song? When you sing it, it's not like the one from the album that i remember mostly but daylight is the one you remember the most yeah and i also i'm just so bad at names of songs but harry in general i just i really do just uh kind of obsessed with him in a weird way keep on driving is another great song love of my life off that album is also really good. Daylight, of course. Matilda. Those are my faves.

Do you know what track number? I just love that he went from One Direction, and now he's at another one. No, but he went from the most cheesiest kind of, and he really has explored into Bowie-esque. Have you ever heard Story of My Life by One Direction? That's actually, yeah. Story of my life.

It's so fucking good. I'll take you home. But do you know that One Direction was created by Nicole Scherzinger from the Pussycat Dolls? She was the one that actually picked all the people out. There's some video that's circulating right now of her and Simon Cowell looking at all their pictures and organizing them, and she was the one that really fought for one direction to be

what one direction is i mean i'm sure coming from a band that's pussycat doll and where you pick a blonde you pick a brunette you pick this that's kind of what yeah she knew what she was doing it's like i met one direction once did you know? All of them at the same time? Yes. You saw the one guy, Liam, I remember. No. In Sirius. Oh, maybe, yeah, Sirius one time through like a window. But no, I met One Direction once. And you'll have to stay tuned for that story next week.

Have such a good weekend, everyone, this weekend. I don't know what I'm saying anymore. Thank you for listening to the pod this week. We will be back on Monday with new episodes. I will be spending some of my time next week in Los Angeles. I think that'll be on. I think I'm going to do Wednesday and Thursday show from Los Angeles, but we'll deal with that when we get to it.

But listen next week. Love you guys so much. Thank you for your fan threats. And don't be cut. And Jamie, Jamie and Jay. Talk about Jamie and Jamie. Jamie. Jamie and Jay. Talk about it. Jamie and Jay.

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