The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #262 Double Back w/ Chris Convy

Episode Date: August 24, 2022

Nikki and her boyfriend Chris have two different definitions of The Glaser Effect. Nikki will be hosting Jimmy Kimmel Live! on Thursday. Last time she hosted was early on in the pandemic when she and Chris were still friends not lovers. Andrew remembers the turning point of Chris and Nikki's friendship and it involved boobs. Chris may take the relationship to a new level now that Nikki has a picture of him on her lock screen. While in Boston, Nikki went all out and bought a ring to remind her of Poppy's sass. She is reading the book Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself and is now a believer of manifestations. In the Final Thought they go through Nikki's Reddit Dump.  ------------------ Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Get Pod Merch: Podshop.NikkiGlaser.com Nikki's Tour Dates: www.nikkiglaser.com/tour Andrew's Tour Dates: www.andrewcollincomedy.com   More Nikki: IG More Andrew: IG  More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Shetty on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Nikki. Hello, welcome to the show. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. I'm Nikki Glaser. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, Los Angeles. Kimmel. Yeah. Oh yeah, I'm guest hosting Kimmel. I was like, what am I going out there for? I'm the guest host for Jimmy Kimmel Live this Thursday. Please DVR it.

Tune in. I want them to see a spike in ratings so that people are like, people seem to like her a whole lot. The glazer effect. So far,

that has not been what the glazer effect has meant. It's meant cancel her show after one and a half seasons at most. That's a whole season. One show, you're going to be fucking, it's going to be crazy. Yeah, a lot of guest hosts for Kimmel do too. I'm glad, like there was a part of me that was like, what in the ass am I going to do?

But I'm so glad because I get to pack it all. Like I get stressed out about these things and two would make me a lot more stressed out than one and it's now i need to put all my energy into one but two wouldn't feel like okay i'm the second one i could kill it like there's no no i think i'm gonna kill it i have honestly i have oh by the way chris confy is with us my boyfriend hi chris, Chris. Hey, everybody. Andrew's here. We're all here. Luigi's here. Noah's in Arizona. Chris, you look great. You tan. Yeah, he's a tan man.

Yeah, I was doing some yard work the other day outside. Okay, stop. With jeans, no shirt? Yeah, were you wearing a shirt? No jeans. I wasn't wearing a shirt. Were your shirt ripped? Cut off jeans?

Yeah, everything was cut off. I'm going to cut off this conversation. Well, fine. Let's talk about kimball and not him making turnips he he went to we have you your yard i went over to pick you up the other night and it was popping off you had a sprinkler going yeah i got some color going out there yeah you got like you have uh fall pots getting right i don't know what that is curse what's the fall pot it's like you put yeah he was having a genocide um of the 14th century i don't know is that even curse what's the fall pot it's like you put yeah he was having a genocide um of the 14th century i don't know is that even close no he's a singer from uh i think from american no what's pole pots cambodia um oh yeah pole pots that was like yeah that was

actually recent that was like the killing fields he has like one of the worst genocides modern day genocides jesus christ. I envision an English lounge singer. And we're making jokes about it. Paul Potts. Paul Potts. I really think. Yeah. Well, you did vote for them on American Idol

and it was weird for everyone. Well, I mean, genocide is better than listening to Simon Cowell. Oh, man. You were just not a Ruben Studdard fan and you had to show it in some way. He studded, all right. So this Jimmy Kimmel thing,

you've done it before. No, wait. Your yard is popping off. Kimmel, this is Kimmel time, baby. Okay. So you hosted Kimmel before, but it was during the pandemic. It was during COVID, which was so cool to be asked. It was around the same time, too.

I like that he takes vacations, and he hands over the reins to other people you don't see colbert doing guest hosts do you kim was a notoriously hard worker yeah so the fact that he takes vacations is really cool that he like knows how important he's just a guy that like loves like you know everyone on his show is like family he just likes spending quality time i think yeah when you're there you fill up on breadsticks you're poor did you did do they pay you for this yeah but it's it's not i'm just saying like a lot yeah but they give you so kimmel's still doing fine he's like making money on vacation it's not like win ben stein's money i'm gonna say welcome to jimmy kimmel live i'm your guest host nikki it's not gonna be like welcome to nikki glazer live i mean i might say that as a joke

it'd be hosted by jimmy sometimes yeah no but it's um it's sort of so i guess hosted in july of 2020 i mean it was like when things were still scary and we did it in a house in my head that was six months ago really i feel like it in my head it is exactly as far as it was, which is rare for me. Everything always seems demented in time. But yeah, it was. We weren't together. We were just friends. We were friends, yeah.

We were friends. We were friending out. We were watching normal people. Yeah, I still remember when you guys were hanging out and we were on the port or he was at your house or something. Did you visit? I think you visited that summer. And you showed was at your house or something. Were you, did you visit? I think you visited that summer. And you showed your boobs to him or something.

Something happened where your friendship. Oh, I don't know. I remember that you weren't there for that. No, of course not. Oh, I thought you were there. Yeah, I was on the roof. First Andrew showed some stuff that we all went around. Yeah.

We were playing strip. As friends. Go fish. As friends. And no, it was, yeah yeah i mean our our relationship has been we you know the show welcome home to he laser kind of covered us getting back together but not in the way of like what really happened i mean it's it's crazy yeah it's constantly evolving it really is and i i do think that we have a better shot of making it because of all of our breakups than a

lot of people do i think a lot of people would have walked away a long time ago smart people would have walked away even you have said like should we just like it shouldn't be this hard which is a great point sometimes people you know when they talk about the relationships they're like i just knew because it was easy it's just nikki it's supposed to be easy you just know because it's no work and it's just like i don't i don't really buy that i i just i understand it being not as difficult as it has been with us but i don't really buy that i i just i understand it being not as difficult as it has been with us but i look at those couples that it was so easy and then they have issues yeah everybody has issues yeah everybody except for brenna and andrew yeah they're perfect yeah we're like it's weird we're both like yeah not totally easy at first you were

on different pages like maybe one of you liked wanted something you weren't communicating exactly properly like it's tough it's a i don't like this whole thing of questioning your entire relationship if it's not easy well i mean look at anything that's great anything that's great kobe bryant him practicing that's not easy but i think the goal that's why i like so great that it's worth it. I agree. Now you have to question, like, when we're at our best, is it good enough to deal with when it's not easy? And I think with you two, it's not.

We're in Mamba mode right now. But no, I think you guys, yeah, you're in Mamba mode. We're in January 2020 mode. That was a dark day. I woke up from a nap coming back from boston on the first date of the nikki glazer tour first theater date i think it was that weekend was our first theaters and we were taking the train back from boston we pull into grand central station penn station dark it's whenever you pull into penn station you're kind of like what time is it like did you

go underground yeah it's so underground that it's like a different kind of dark and coldness like the coldness of grant or pun station is weird and you get thrown into it quick like you see blood like you see a lot of crazy shit within seconds of getting to new york there's hudson news is in there for no reason it's like you guys know that there's no security to get in here that you don't need to charge me seven dollars for water like i could just go up yeah this isn't the airport yeah we're not trapped we're not terminal five though i but i still wait in line at that fucking hudson news anyway we pull up we i wake up and you're like kobe bryant was in a helicopter that was how i found out that was how the breaking news got to me of that do you remember that too yeah do you remember where you were when you found out absolutely i was in a at a hotel restaurant

with a bunch of australian people who were in town for like some sort of australian day celebration and we were all just it was in la oh my god and so like you would everybody in the tables around like everyone was talking about whoa trying to give information to each other and yeah it was it was a weird time to be in LA because people love Kobe Bryant. Loved him. Oh, yeah. And I remember, yeah, like, it just seemed so not real. And it was also, it is interesting that I bet a lot of people will remember where they were when they found out he died. There are certain things that you just, like.

Princess Di was one of those. Yeah, I just talked about it on the last episode. I remember exactly, do you remember where you were? Yeah, I was in a car. With Australians. With Australians. With Australians. Trying to hunt her down to take a picture. Yeah, I was trying to get a picture.

You were the first on the scene. What happened? It was me. Your camera shutter? Rubber shutter? Full fat. No, I was in a car with my freshman year, I think. Something like that with the girl I was dating.

Let's talk about her. Let's get back to your yard. I think her parents were picking us up from a party. Oh, really? Yeah, Kimmel. Oh, my God. You were going to a party? Because I was in, it was 1997 or 8.

I still don't know how you guys had never met until New York. I know. When we lived so close to each other. I feel like St. Louis is small enough. It is. You see someone at a pool. We knew the same people for sure. Yeah, Kirsten, my best friend all through high school,

got a little bit popular our sophomore, junior year. And she became really good friends with this popular girl, Jessica Graham, who lived right next to the Conveys. And so she would go over to Jessica Graham's. We weren't invited because I wasn't cool. And it was kind of like, oh, Kirsten's cool now. She's with the popular kids. And she remembers the Con convies because she remembers Jessica lived next to this house

of, like, these private school boys that were all hot. Like, these three hot brothers. Short-lived doing yard work. Yeah. Constantly. Did you feel like you guys would have dated in high school? No, because I didn't date. I didn't like boys.

I mean, I would have been in love with him. Yeah. The way he looked in high school, he looked like a donna. Oh, what? Donna with him. Yeah. The way he looked in high school, he looked like a dunnop. Oh, what? Dunnop. Oh. That's the phrase that me and my friends coined about a guy that kind of has long hair that looks like he listens to Phish.

Chris did not. Looks like he was into... You just had long hair. You were tan. You looked like... I was president of the Outdoors Club. Yeah. So I'd go camping and stuff.

Yeah. And I had long hair. We called them dunnops because the fish song, Wilson. There was a guy named Ryan Wilson who was the quintessential Dunna of our school. And his last name was Wilson. And in the song, Wilson. Dunna. Dunna.

And so we called them Dunnets, which is kind of genius. Green vase. Vigorous. Green vase is what we called blowjobs. Vigorous is what we called handjobs. So Chris was a Dunna. i would have been obsessed with him and um but also once he liked me i would have not liked him your private school she was public yeah was that a that was a thing in st louis right like any private school nary the tween shall meet yeah it was like we were friends

we were we were friends with public school people for sure, yeah. I was not friends with any public school people when I went there. I was not. A cute thing that I want to mention on the last episode was when we were talking about you being Jewish and going to a public school. I didn't know. One of the cutest things I ever said that my Aunt Lynn used to always tell people was that one time she asked me when I was over. She just trying to get kids to say the darndest things and we were talking about religion and i was like i don't know what we are and i was like i know well we used to be catholic because i went to a catholic school and now i think we're public she overheard me telling someone that our religion was public

and i was like we are the chosen people we have parks we have you know we're cohen's parking spaces uh i felt like when i went to private school and the public school kids the guys when there were parties there was like a something in the air where there might be a fight or like the girls might be a little bit like too rough around the edges for us private school boys like there was some there was something i went to kirkwood he went to priory what did you guys think about kirkwood the school kirkwood which is where i grew up yeah it's where it's my it's the public school i would have gone to if i didn't go to catholic school that is wild and you would have been a senior when i was a wait what year did you graduate uh 2000 2000 okay yeah so there's this guy and so there was there was a like

a hilarious like quote unquote gang that we made fun of these guys that thought they were from the streets and all these things. And maybe they were tough or whatever. There's a guy named Ruben that everybody was afraid of. He would go to parties and fight people and all this stuff. And then he rolled with a huge crew of guys that were skaters. And they called themselves the Deuce Deuce because our area code is 63122. So when we,

when we were making fun of these guys, we'd be like, Deuce Deuce. And then some of our friends like got in fights with them and, you know,

it was always like, Ruben wasn't as tough as we thought because we thought he was going to like bring knives and stuff, but he just fought like a regular guy.

There was always like brothers. Like, I think there was like the McGuire brothers. And it's like, you don't want to fuck with the McGuire. Because then you got to fight all five of them. So you went to private school too.

And so you also had this kind of thoughts about public school kids being a little bit rougher. Public school in Florida, you get some rough kids. Meanwhile, we just went to public school not because we were poor or rough. But because my parents didn't want us being taught lies for a bulk of our daily lives it was that was like one hour but one class where you could be learning about something else i mean that is crazy and and i will say that there is stuff to be learned in a wait what do you think happened to private school you think we're indoctrinated like we're all i went to private school i went to catholic school and i remember being like we have to go to church and like sitting in those pews being bored out of my fucking mind and then learning about god and

honestly going like what does this mean yeah yeah it was but it didn't feel like i i never felt at any point like it was just like another class that you took yes it wasn't because every class in high school right it wasn't like some serious thing where they like sat you down and like if you don't believe this then you're a bad person like right it people that don't experience it think of it as like this indoctrinating situation and it's just sort of like it's just another class where you're learning these stories yes like yes sure i'm sure some people do take it a lot got turned into a pillar of salt yes that happened yeah i'm sorry you shouldn't look back. I'm just saying. I would do the prayer, you know, our Father, Lord in heaven, whatever, that whole thing. And then I wouldn't say Jesus.

How would be that tree? I would just mouth Jesus. Oh, because you're Jewish. So I didn't give it all to them. You would just mouth Jewish instead of Jesus. And they would never know. Jewish crust. That's what I would say.

I just realized something. i don't want to get into it too much but i'm reading this book right now and i'm definitely going to read the whole thing no way a hundred percent i do read a hundred percent of books sometimes if they're about columbine but this one is not about columbine unfortunately but it is a book that i got recommended by um and i just sent it to my dad because i want like everyone i want you to read it too every book you read you should change the cover to a columbine scene i'm on nikki's like phone screen yeah that's i just got that same feeling you got when you got like added to somebody's like myspace four you know we're like oh yeah top four you're just like that made me feel great yeah wait wait you're on the front

so like he has me as her screensaver yeah because i took this hot picture of him in the golden light the other day when we were getting rebel kitchen great jaw and he he looks so hot and it really does it feels really nice there's something about it that every time i look at it i get reminded of how attracted to you i am like it it throughout my day i think of you more because i think you're new i love it i to do it too. Will you put me on yours? Well, I was going to put me on it. Oh, okay. Right now, I was going to ask you to put me on yours because of that effect. It's not just because I want to be on your plate and I want everyone to know that I'm your girlfriend. It's like having a picture.

It's the new on your desk. It's a Dave Matthews light switch. Yes, absolutely. That's the new age. Because you go to that the most. You go to your phone the most. It's a dave matthews light switch yes that's the new age because you go to that the most it made me go to your phone the most it made me feel great yeah that's a big so i'm gonna do it yeah i would really appreciate it because right now your cousin drew his big face it's a gigantic head of his cousin drew it's a funny picture i'll show you mine but i see i saw drew at a wedding recently that we went to and i said, Drew, I see you in bed

more than I see Chris's face because in the, you light up on his phone screen next to me all the time. It looks, he looks like Magnum PI with a big mustache and it's true.

Like I see Drew's face. Does he usually have a mustache? Yeah. Or is this like a, Chris is holding it up. So check out the YouTube video if you want to see it. He,

yeah, he's a handsome guy, but I, the other day i was like i want to ask chris to put me on his plate i just will feel loving it's the new on your desk at work oh yeah my dad always used to have pictures of us on the desk my pictures of my mom that's like you is brett on yours it was bailey i called my cat my old oh yeah that's it it was mango jumping but with his legs like chick it's down now because i had to reset my cat, my old dead cat. Oh, yeah. It was mango jumping, but with his legs like chick.

It's down now because I had to reset my phone because my phone wasn't working. Oh, okay. What a dud. But anyhow, yeah, it's my cat. No, Luigi was on my phone for the bulk of my life. And then it was my nephew. And then it was my niece. My niece was really like almost became like the Oprah of Oprah magazine where it was just only my niece.

And I was feeling bad. Like, is this wrong that i don't have my because i got a ring the other day that um the day that i bought my surgery you have to pay for your surgery up front oh it's not covered at all insurance a gigantic amount of money and maybe american express i had to like call my business manager but you got those points yeah do get those points that card that big silver chunky card that is like oh yeah it's nice oh it's so it's like mess you throw it down and people know you're your vocal cords with it yeah honestly save money i'll take care of it well i spent a lot of money on that and there was something about spending that much money that made me go money don't matter and i was in boston

already with my mom and we went out on a like my mom wanted to go maybe go on like a walking tour and i just i had to be um like i had to have vocal rest because i was you know filming this thing and my voice was going out so i was like i don't want to go on a tour i even though i i just i didn't want to hear other people talk and i just don't care about history and i was kind of tired that day and i was like let's go shopping and my mom loves to watch me spend money she was like you're like peggy you know my mom was on the show not too long ago and she told me that i'm exactly like my aunt peggy who's this like ambitious go-getter very type a person while we were shopping she goes you aren't just like peggy it's like shopping with Peggy because Peggy will just be like, I was going into stores and going, yeah, this, this, this.

Like there was no trying on. There was no, in every store clerk. How does that feel? Does that feel good? Every store clerk was like, I love you. This girl knows what she wants.

Yeah. And there's, I can't, that's why I don't go shopping with my friends is because I can't stand, they wait in line to try things on. I'm like, put it over your jeans

and then get a smaller size if it fits. That's what you do. Put it over, wear a tank top and just put it on in the store. Don't go to the dressing room. Yeah, I mean, I like to, but it has to fit. I get that,

but then return it later. I just don't want to wait in that line at Zara. It's so long. And then, just steal it. Because then the line to buy it is too long. We've got to go to break, but I have much more to say about this, and I'll tell you why this all relates to Poppy

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So if you want to be smart with your wallet, your career choices, in meetings with your colleagues, and at dinner parties, listen to Big Technology Podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. So I'm shopping with my mom in Boston. I'm going, first of all, my friend wears amazing jewelry. Do you feel weird about spending a lot of money in front of your friends than your mom? Because your mom loves it.

Because I feel like a successful daughter who's like, she's like so proud that i have this money to spend and i know that's i'm sure there are people that roll their eyes anytime i talk about money on this show but it's something that i don't i don't usually because i can i say something about that real quick no so i love that that was great not until you put her on your fucking phone, Chris. Do it now. Chris, do it now. Yeah, that's a good point. I am excited about this phone screen thing.

This is a big moment for me. Yeah, it's like getting a ring. Yeah, it is. What did you say? I said it's a huge step. This is like Facebook official. Remember when we would put our relationships down? I mean, this is just halfway to an engagement.

I saw a tweet the other day that said, can we just address how the fact how insane it was that we used to go onto facebook and and sometimes put it's complicated with someone yeah like that was always a joke well yeah that's yeah anytime i put it's complicated it was like with me and my friend nickel like it wasn't like and then or your girlfriend nicole whoa whoa whoa noah who's on your what were you gonna say babe about me i was gonna give you And then, or your girlfriend, Nicole. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Noah, who's on your phone? Wait, what were you going to say, babe, about me money? Oh, I was going to give you compliments, but then you were so mean.

No, no, no. Me my money, my money, me money. Well, so many people who are successful maybe got help from all these different people. And yeah, you got help and stuff, but their dad, steve jobs like he got help from his mom who worked at dell not trump yeah well she had trumped it all for himself but nikki everything that nikki has was you know obviously everybody gets lucky over here that's all mine all things that i've bought oh you bought those balloons i will say though thank you for saying that i didn't even get to finish yeah i want to know what's on Noah's screen.

I do, too, now. Oh, it's just my nephew holding Buzzy when we just got him. Aw. Buzzy's her cat. So, oh, you doubled up. That's good. So, what was the finish? Yeah, finish.

There's no finish. Really? No, we're not finishing this one. Oh, well, can I finish it and say that I love that you said that, and I appreciate it. And I will say, though, that this is part of I appreciate it and I will say though that this is part of my origin story. It could have ended bad. No it was going to end good. But Chris

has a very staunch rule about if the moment is passed he's not going to double back and get it because it's never going to be as good as in the moment and I respect it too and I like it and that's just who he is and I think he's going to be on the show a lot more so let's just get to know him as a i double back on my relationship with nikki i don't double back on stories and i do appreciate that you double back on that like every time we break

up i go this is it if we break up it's never gonna get back to me we're never and my friends are always just like so this is this is the time this is where it's gonna stick and so it is nice to know that but you will allow for you will you will get back together with me if if yeah we both do if it's the right yes yeah and the gist of the all of it was yet to hear somebody talk about doubling back this isn't a double back this is a this is a detour triple is you know when people hear you say like oh i got to spend money on this and i got to buy a car and all these things it sounds like you're bragging but it's like nikki built this entire thing you know obviously there's people that help but nikki worked really really hard to do all of this thanks

and it's you know it's one of the it's a real success story she pulled herself up by her heel straps you always do say that the that you always remind me of that like it's really cool that you've done this thing it's insane but i will say that it's insane it would not have been possible had i not had financial help from my parents you know like it when they i would get overdraft fees my mom would put like there was a time i think my parents probably lent me and this isn't even counting what they spent on my college education which they paid for it the whole thing so they probably spent loaned me ten thousand dollars over the course of uh several months when i was in la just drinking too much not babysitting enough not temping getting fired from temp jobs because they'd be like this isn't temporary enough and you shouldn't

come in tomorrow i'm like i have one day left they're like we'd rather train someone new you're terrible but they really helped me out and um and i was able to pay them back which is great over time and and just you know but if i hadn't had that i wouldn't have been able to do it i'm not saying that you didn't have any help i i conceded the idea that you know you you had help and people have help and stuff and that's great but i just mean like if people are are rolling their eyes at any sort of money spending or any sort of things that sound like a money brag like yeah you had you had some help from your parents but this isn't like you were handed the keys to some sort of for you know

yes you're not like you know somebody who has inherited everything you know i know people that like oh they started this company and it's like well their parents are super millionaires and all of their friends are like yes well and you know the best thing about but her uncle is don rickles which is weird that would be so awesome oh yeah i forgot aunt peggy gave you yeah she gave me like 100 bucks every birthday because i'm i'm her goddaughter um which means nothing but uh it means that i get 100 extra dollars on my birthday than any other uh her niece and nephews fun fact my aunt peggy is my godmother really yeah that's cool i love her she and she's also like a cool california and she's california successful real estate right yeah it is weird when people brag

about money because it happens a lot on the internet where people go what did you i'm worth 80 million dollars and it's like such a high number and then they get so much attention they don't get negative shit for it but there's like a weird number there's a weird number in between like 80 million and then like if you say i spent 15 000 on clothes people like oh my god i can't but if you say i make 80 million like i fucking that dude i fucking want to like suck his dick because he's great it's a weird it's a weird like amount of money you used to be able to say i'm a millionaire and people would go whoa and that means that honestly of course being a millionaire you're you're set i mean chris has always told me what is it three million dollars well three is really good two million two million two million is what you need to to retire and just i can't

wait to be rich enough to give everyone i care about two million dollars and go stop working pursue what you love and put it in something safe and that it will gain the right amount of interest in things put it in a vanguard index fund you're gonna be fine so i do want to say that i recently i i give away a lot of money to um something that i've never shied away from that i really i almost enjoy it more than the person who gets the money gets it my friend the other day was the money gets it. My friend the other day was like, you know, just reached out and was like, hey, thinking about you, love you, how are you? And I wrote back like, good, how are you? And she was not at all asking for anything.

She was just honestly just being like, I'm grateful you're my friend, just thinking of you, because my voice was fucked up and she was checking in. And I go, how are you? And she was like, honestly, financially, it's just I'm stressed out right now and i go we've never talked about this but i and this does not go out to besties this please do not send me venmo requests people do it a lot where they're like a hundred dollars like my i can't do it on that but if you become one of my good friends i if if you're someone who i know would do it for me, I will give you anything you need to the point where I'm not like jeopardizing my own financial, you know, situation. So I told her, I was like, just so you know, I don't think we've had this conversation. I have more money than I

probably deserve to have. I am a single woman. I have a dog. I do take care of my family in some ways, but not in ways that, you know, I, can I help you? If it would, what's the amount that would make it so you don't stress today or tomorrow? And that will give you a little, like, just tell me the amount and I'll let you know if I could do it or not. She's like $400 billion.

Yeah, she's like, I could do that. And she, I gave, I could tell she was struggling with it. Because it's a hard thing to say what the number should be what I also said was I want you to know I don't expect it back because when you lend out money I go I would like it back someday because I just feel like you're the person that would if you're able to it doesn't have to be tomorrow it doesn't have to be in five years it can be in 50 years like I or pay it forward to someone else and I said it will never affect our friendship which how can you really say that?

But I know that when I've lent money to friends, I forget how much I've given them. I don't think about it all the time. I don't. It really. My mom's always like, Nick, we owe you this. And I go, will you stop? I do not remember. And it's not.

And it's probably because I'm bad with money. And I kind of like to just like forget what I've spent. I'm not someone who keeps receipts. But I said to her, it's not going i'm bad with money and i kind of like to just like forget what i've spent i'm not someone who keeps receipts but i said to her it's not going to affect our relationship i it will not be you if you if you are feeling bad about owing me money and if you're going to carry any guilt about this and it's going to affect you wanting to hang out with me do not do not let me give it to you but you gotta if you accept this you gotta promise me you're not going to be weird around me and feel like oh i have to buy her coffee and you can't you're not gonna let me buy dinner still like because you owe me it's not

that i know that i have been blessed to be born in america with parents that supported me and loved me and accepted me for who i was who supported me financially i fell into an industry that is very lucrative that i happen to have a good be good at i have a brain that helped me work like i got lucky to get all these things and i don't look at you not having money right now as you being lazy or you being um less than you know i think some rich people look at poor people as like fucking work more just like you just didn't do it right do what i did and it's like even if they could do what you did they you know i've talked about this extensively on the show but it's like you don't get to choose the brain you're born with you don't get to choose your parents you these people who are born no one

wants to be poor no one wants to be even lazy even if they are lazy no one wants to be lazy they might be suffering with depression or whatever so i told her that and um and then i just venmoed her amount that i thought thought was a lot to give a friend that was like would suffice based on what I heard because she didn't give me a number. And I knew she was like hesitating. So I just go, just fucking take this. And then she wrote back and she was like, actually, can I get this amount? And it was almost, it was like probably 80% more than I had already given her to the point

where I couldn't Venmo because it would go past my limit. So, and I said, fuck yes. Yes, I can. It's a crazy amount of money, but what a joy that I can do this. And she is now out of debt. She doesn't have to go ask her parents who she's kind of estranged from for money.

She doesn't have to take gigs she doesn't want to do. And she's such a great person that puts so much good out in the world. That is going to free her. What about it did you like though? What? You said that you kind of enjoyed it more than she did.

So what about that did you enjoy? Because it makes me feel good because I know that I am giving someone I love relief. It's like giving my mom a foot rub. Something's hurting her and causing her chronic pain. And we're it's like me figuring out how to relieve this pain instantly. And that feels good to like limit suffering on this planet. And she is someone who's so she's given me so much in terms of support and emotional caring and like being there for me that I mean honestly I feel like I just I I she gave that back to me and things that are not tangible that aren't financial but it was this it

was it's an exchange almost and and I know that that relief that she feels she's going to be able to put so much more good out in the world that is going to trickle out and then she when she becomes rich enough to do it she will do that for someone else. I believe. no, absolutely. And I know she would do it for me. I one time went to a guy's funeral and I said,

I'm going to this funeral. I don't really know him, but I bet if I died, he would go to mine. And I think that's how we should kind of look at life is like, I don't think I'd lend money to someone who wouldn't do it for me, even though I have. But I do think it just, I't know it just feels i like spending

money on other people more than myself but i did spend a lot of myself in boston and i got myself a ring that had a p on it for poppy and my mom was like well what about arlo and forrest and i'm like well that's too many letters and also this in this ring was kind of expensive. I went to like this gold dealer. It would be fap. Yeah. Yeah, we can't have that. And the P kind of looks like a G sometimes. No, that's not good. That's not going to be good.

But I got a P because I like, because for me, a little girl, in a way, she's my favorite. And Forrest and Arlo might watch this someday long after I'm long gone and be like, what the fuck? But like when you're a woman and you see a little girl, like there's something I kind of look through a lens of my life of making decisions of like,

would I want this for Poppy? And so it's just a little nice reminder. I'm not wearing it right now. So I can't, would I want Poppy to listen to me rattling on? Probably not. And I should have that ring on to remind me to change subjects. But I also don't think that everything has to be equal.

Every time like, like one of my nephews comes up to me and is like, hey, Chris, I want to show you this thing. Somebody in the family will be like, well, now show T-Man. And it's like, we're 40 years old. We don't need these kids to treat us equally. It's so exhausting. You were visiting your nephews recently.

Did you encounter anything with that of like having to? I think depending on the age the more i feel like i have to give the older one more time because he'll remember it in my in a weird way like i'm like oh this will be more meaningful for me to throw the football with him because he could actually catch right now as opposed to leo who can't catch where shit essentially blackout drunk until you're like four that's when you start waking up for and then i'll give him just as much time but i feel like also it's just more fun to hang out with the older one but the the middle leo won't stop talking he'll tell stories that

make no sense oh that's great so incredible he never talks how old is leo like four oh or five poppy's so quiet you just hit it off with kids at different like you know at different yeah different times i've never seen someone better with kids than this guy what is so ironic do you love so much because she's hilarious and charming i love her because she is it i learn how to be from her of like i remember the freedom of not being worried about what my hair looks like what my skin looks like what um like just being what's important is what's right in front of me and i'm and she's i will say she is poppy if you're watching this in the future on the hologram in front of you you were a little bitch like you were a four-year-old that was like getting into some like the other day i was like oh I get how you can love someone so much,

but also like, be like, I don't want to see this person again. Like just so mean, just the way she was like talking to me of like, do this. And I go, what were you talking?

I would never talk to my aunt that way. Like I was scared of my aunt and there was some part of me that was just like, screw you lady but it was but she at the same time she kids are acting out when they're feeling frustrated when they're feeling scared when they're feeling not like seen and so i was able to get through to her eventually but i was laying in her bunk bed with her and although she was going to sleep yeah it's the most amazing she asked for me to do it usually she she's like, no, I don't want Nikki.

I want mommy. But she was like, I want Nikki. And so I was laying down with her. Well, you're the one with the money and the ring. Yeah, as soon as she found out about my spending spree in Boston, she was like, hey, crawl on in, lady. Can you load up that bag of coins onto the top bunk? But I was just in this bunk bed with her,

and I was looking at her. And I love how quickly kids fall asleep. They're kind of like you, Chris, like just out very fast. But she was it was like hot in the room and she was kind of tossing and turning. And she looked so much like my little sister that like my love for her was so I couldn't handle it. I had to like leave because I was like, I just I can't handle how much I love this. I just want to like just stare at her like she was just so cute the way she was like I just I can't handle how much I love this I just want to like just stare at her like she was just so cute the way she was like kicking the sheets and like I just I felt overwhelmed with

like love her because she reminded me so much of my little sister and I also was like if I was a bad person the things I could do like if someone ever gets like I don't my mind goes to those places but like I like just being like in a bed with a child makes me go is this even okay because i don't want to encourage poppy inviting adults into the bed that she doesn't know like she doesn't know yeah you know you just know that she's like that if she invited any adult in there babysitter or like you know where there aren't nanny cams in the dark i'm just like and then i start going to that and i feel like then i start getting enraged like if anyone ever tried to fucking touch this like what i would and it just becomes too i think that's why i kind of

shy away from having kids is not only because i have depression and i feel like it would just rub off on them and they would resent me and i wouldn't be able to show up for them but also like i can't love something that much. Like it's just too scary. And then let them like learn to drive, go to school for the first day. I don't know how parents do it. They're so strong. It's insane.

I was on the top bunk and I was looking at, you know, the metal that holds the kids in. And it was there was a pretty big gap. And then it wasn't that high. And I just all I could because I fell off a top bunk. Oh, yeah. Multiple times. So I'm just like I could, because I fell off a top bunk. Oh, yeah. Multiple times. So I'm just like. You did.

Which explains a lot. Like, I fell on my head a lot from very high. And then it just put me higher to fall farther. Yeah. Did it affect the shape of your head? Just here and here. Okay. And then right here.

Okay, cool. Does it notice? No, I think you look great. Thank you. You totally have bunk head. Yeah, I said bunk head. Top bunk head. Concrete face.

The old bunk head. Dude. But I was looking at it and i couldn't i was like having trouble sleeping thinking i was like why are they and my they're like the best parents ever but like i couldn't get out of my head like no they're just gonna fall they're gonna fall danger the possible danger and as aunts and uncles we don't really know how like we're so they're desensitized at this point to like all the dangers that they've seen and they know aren't really know how, like, we're so, they're desensitized at this point to, like, all the dangers that they've seen and they know aren't really real fears.

Well, Augie, who's seven, you know, he did a camp there where we were on a mountain and they just went hiking up the mountain. And I'm, like, envisioning, like, because I get, my fears get projected onto the kids. Yeah. Yes. So, like, you know, me hiking and seeing jagged cliff rock, I think, like, they're just going to, why would a kid not know to just walk off you know like yes like when you're walking a dog or whatever you see these

goats that climb up the mountain then you're like how do they know to just not die yeah or a squirrel on a uh on a tightrope but like you know a squirrel at the circus um yeah so i just project all these fears onto them and that's like it's tough like i don't know but like i it just shows how much i love them obsession and and as a child was that my sister once i learned about kidnappers and like murder and all those things and like what that people prey on children like i was like a vid like i couldn't i was obsessed with my sister it was only 18 months younger than me that she was going to get kidnapped because she was such a more free spirit than me

i knew i was never gonna be alone with a man i was never you're jealous and i was a funky looking kid like nobody's nobody's kidnapping me she was too trusting and i remember there was like someone spotted a weird van where a guy talked to some kids in our neighborhood and it got around of like there was a van and some kids like you know it was probably a guy talked to some kids in our neighborhood and it got around of like there was a van and some kids like, you know, it was probably a guy looking for directions. It's always like a van. Always a van. Like if you're a creepy guy, are you going to drive the car that's the creep,

like, you know what I mean? Like, are you going to wear a ski mask if you're going to? I'm like, stop doing the thing that ever, stop being the stereotype. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So if you're driving a creepy van, you probably, I don't know, there's a strong chance you are still creepy.

Yeah, because you can do, there's no windows back there anyway so i remember being obsessed that my sister and my mom would just let my sister go and i'd be like but there's nothing you could do as a kid to be like lauren stay so i would try to like come up with ways to keep her inside like let's play school in the basement like just anywhere but out there because you're gonna get stolen and it's going to ruin my childhood it's all about me um but what i wanted to say before about this book that i'm reading it's called how to change your mind or something like that wait hold on let me just see what it's called again were you protective of your brothers chris did you guys have yeah we were protective of each other but we fought too

yeah but it's one of those things fight with your brother it's one of those things but we never punch in the face but there's a lot of wrestling and yeah stuff like that but if you you know it's one of those things where it's like we could fight each other but the second somebody said something to the other one it's like well now you're now it's now you're dealing with three of us yeah yeah they're so protective of each other and and now even like it quick like even like your radio gig like you came to town to do the radio gig to hold a spot for tim because he was he wasn't able to get that gig so you were like i'll keep a place for you until you become free to work here again and then like like you guys look out yeah we all we all have gotten each other jobs and we've tried

to work with each other a bunch but the the best is when you're like really young and you're like fighting anytime the two of us would fight the other one would like come in and like get like kicks in whoever was like you know like on the outs it would be like me and tim are fighting current come in and he's like chris was a jerk to me today. Are you a middle? I'm middle, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're a middle too. Number two in birth order, number one in their hearts.

Yeah, yeah. What are the year difference? Basically two years. Oh. So it's Tim 18 months, then two years on Kern. Oh, so you guys are like. And then Kaki.

And Kaki's four years after that. And you're the middle child of three boys as well. Yeah, two years, nine months is my older brother. And then six years younger. We would fight. Yeah, he outsmarted me a lot uh but i was the better athlete you gotta power him i couldn't i was small though i was really small but you had heart i had a lot of heart the guy had heart i had a lot of heart i really did i remember uh coach wally myers he goes if you had the heart

of colin you guys would all be all state and i like, but you're kind of saying I suck in a way, too. That's sweet. In a big way. That's what they say in Rudy. They were like, if anybody had half the heart of Rudy, they'd be all American. They'd end up in jail for financial trading. You were the Florida Rudy. It's like when in field hockey, Mike.

You were Judy. Hey, come on, dude. That's so fucked up, dude. Sorry for interrupting. Judy, Judy, Judy. We'll be right back anti-semitic but thank you oh god with that call back ham drip uh we'll be right back with more andrew john stewart is back at the daily show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight

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your career choices, in meetings with your colleagues, and at dinner parties, listen to Big Technology Podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, we're back. Sorry for interrupting your book thing. No, no, no. I actually wanted to say the thing about if you had as much heart as Andrew Collin, it reminds me of when I was in field hockey. I think I've told this before, but my coach's husband called me. me one day I was calling her and I think he was on the phone he

was like they were about to have a baby and he was like I just hope my daughter turns out like it would be great if she turned out exactly like you you're someone that I would hope my daughter would be like and I thought he was talking about my like playing and I was like oh I'm not even that good at field hockey he goes oh god no not that just in general and i remember being both offended and like delighted but i remember him being like oh wait no you think i'm talking about your no i read your english paper good good grammar no you haven't talked to boys for all four years of high school that's plain hard to get for this guy across town i would have been i've have been so in love with you and really would have had art.

I was just so scared of boys. I really was. I want to see a side-by-side of you two, like photos from high school. Yeah. Sometimes people do that. Senior year, high school. Yeah, senior year. Would they date and then put it up?

I think you would have been into me. I got a little chunky towards the end, but not in a way that it was adorable. I mean, you've seen one picture of me where i looked like a sub librarian that yeah you were adorable i was but you and your friends were the the funniest you would have liked my friends i'm always so impressed with you and your friendships yeah they were i i i am so i am also so proud of them okay so the book i'm reading it's's called Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself. I found it on Reddit. It was recommended in the subreddit books as a book that's changed someone's life. And then I posted about it yesterday

on my Instagram story. And my friend, Brian Frangie, our friend, wrote to me and said, this book changed my life. Robot Brian Frangie. This book changed my life. And he said it really helped me. What did he say?

He really helped me yesterday. He's what a good guy Brian Frangie is one of the funniest people on the show you have to have him on the show he's so funny so good he's so funny he has a website called the Apple list where wait is that what it's called so it used to

be called he says I'm the number one Apple influencer which is true and he does cartoons and he's written for adam ruins everything a ton of he does stand up um apple rankings uh is what it's called apple rankings.com and it's a hilarious description of the best apples and the worst apples and he ranks them all so if you want to check out apple rankings icons cartoons but anyway brian i posted it and he goes um um this was a seminal work in the program I did

to deal with recurring symptoms. It's also definitely in the Sarno realms. Dr. John Sarno, the back doctor that has the book Healing Back Pain. If you have a friend that is suffering with back pain, send them that book and their back pain will go away. And he said, and I can think almost everyone can benefit from this perspective, but all depends what your goals are.

And so I'm reading this book and it's blowing my goddamn mind because we were talking about prayer before. So I've always been like, I just got into praying like when I got in eating disorder recovery about like choosing a God of my own understanding, higher power type thing. And I didn't really know what it was, but I just knew that when I did pray and I asked God for help or ask God, like I remember doing bill maher and being so nervous about it i'm backstage and i was just like and i've never done things like this but i was just like god will you please be with me during this whatever that and i'm not a religious person at all and so but it

just helps me and i just i've seen the benefits of it but this book has made me realize the science behind it because it's talking about quantum physics this book and how atoms i don't know anything about quantum physics what quantum physics was and this is obviously the dumbest person that could ever be telling you about it what it is but what i've learned from this is that atoms used to be thought of as you know the atoms that make up matter were all uh thought of as material and then there's energy in the world and there's material and atoms are all just material once you zoom in there's like a physical thing that you can see but what they found was that the atom would only show up where you wanted to see it so it was a ball of energy that would be invisible unless you

you focused on a certain part and then it would show up so it showed that when you give your focus your attention as a human being your consciousness you give your focus to something you can materialize matter that is not there and it's just an energy and you can materialize things happening and this is really tapping into like why the secret works why isn't this a plot of star Wars? It might be. Is it? I've never seen it. Yeah, they use the force. Oh, yes.

Yes. So wait, do you see the energy when you want to see it? When you focus on it, when you look for it, it is there. So you don't see God, you feel God when you want. No, so this is the point that he makes, and I'm just in the first chapter, but what it talks about, I'm in the second chapter actually, but he explains quantum physics. He's like, let me just give you a cursory explanation to get you on board but what he his point is is that they didn't experiment back in like this random experiment where they had people pray for patients that had sepsis in this hospital there were like hundreds of patients with sepsis which

is like a you know once your your blood starts i don't know what it is but it's like a bacterial thing and you could die from it and these people they had to pray um there was a group of people that they they these emotionally like really positive people prayed and then they had these other people that were agnostic of emotion just didn't really believe in prayer and they had them pray say the same kind of. And the interesting thing about this is that the people that got prayed for got better a lot sooner. They both died at the same kind of rate, but the ones they recovered sooner, the ones that did recover,

were the ones that were prayed for. Did they know that they were being prayed for? No, because the interesting part is is that these patients were from like hundreds of years ago. They chose patients to pray for from the past and these people did not know they were praying for people in the past so it is an example of that your energy can not only the energy you give towards something if you have both intention emotional intention like you want something but you also have the motion behind it um you can

change the past and future you can affect both things it's really like out there and crazy but it is about if you it's about manifestation really and the science behind it because i've always been like it's so too woo woo this manifestation i mean that's pretty woo woo the sense that you're praying for people that have already died and it's gonna affect change it's not gonna change the past but the past will be affected by it somehow because it the because the past and present and future are all one thing they've already all happened in some way because of determinism or so it's it's almost as if those patients were affected by the future because the future had already actually happened in another

dimension so what it is is that your life the way you want it to be or whatever you see for yourself there's some dimension where that's happening all you have to do is focus on that and you will see it much like they see uh particles in these atoms once they focus on it it's not there until they focus on it so if you so he talks about his daughter telling his daughter like what do you want for real life like what's what are you looking to have and she's like oh this summer i want to like you know i want to spend six weeks in italy i want to work there i want to make money while i do it and he's like okay well you know what you need to do like she's his daughter and he's been talking about this for years and so she uh i don't know the exact he's going to teach you how to do it but you have to

envision your life you have to like meditate. I'm guessing this is what happens. You meditate on what you want and you have to not just think about your future self doing it. You have to actually think you've done it. You have to be someone that lived in Italy. You have to, and you have to be grateful for something that hasn't even happened yet and be like, I'm so glad I get to live in Italy. And if you can get to that place where you actually, the thing you want to manifest, you actually believe for yourself, you can get to that place where you actually the thing you want to manifest you actually believe for yourself you can put into action all these things and i think it's one of the reasons that i have been successful in in comedy is because it never was something i didn't i knew it was going to happen i had the intention the emotion behind it was congruent with my what

i wanted because a lot of people want things and they go but secretly i can never have them and you won't get them because it's not congruent your emotion and your intent needs to be the same and i feel like i always knew i was going to be successful for some reason in entertainment i just knew it and i pictured it i pictured being on stage i envisioned it i am like sang the song lucky and imagine being britney spears and like singing that song and being like she's so lucky she's a star but she cries at night and i have like it i think even though i didn't know i was doing it i was somehow late at night when i was sleeping in bed and imagining my future i was

giving my attention to a a quantum realm version of myself that wasn't there until i gave it wait there's there's a book that i read where high performing athletes talk about their strategy like olympic athletes and stuff and you're reminding me of one um i think it was a soccer player who was out for an injury or something. And he couldn't practice before their, you know, like, I don't know what the big match is called, but he was saying that like- I think they call it a big match.

Okay, for the big match. Biggest meet of them all. And he was saying that he had to visualize down to the smell of the grass. Like that's how deep the visualization went and he would take maybe an hour to three hours every day and he would visualize the game of him playing and he like they had like the best game ever his his performance was the best game ever yeah i so there is i've always wondered why this prayer thing works why manifestation works and it's

because there is science behind it it's like this this book is totally making me believe in a thing that i would have always thought was complete witchcraft hooey but i'm like oh if particles are only seen under a microscope once the scientist looks at them and gives them the intention and the the attention and intention then what there there's millions there's infinite possibilities for what your life looks like and they all are somewhere in a different dimension and the only way that you're going to be able to like see those is to is to actually envision it and he says that a lot of people are like you know they'll manifest wealth by being like i want to be wealthy i want to invite money into my life but secretly there's a part of them that goes, I don't, I'm not, it's not going to happen.

It's not going to happen. But if, if you, and I think that that's something that has held me back too, is like wanting a type of relationship, wanting, you know, a relationship with myself even. Like projecting like what kind of woman i want to be it's always like yeah i can get my house all organized but i'm still gonna be like a stinky lady and there's this part of me that's like you don't deserve this but if i just really work and read the rest of this book honestly to learn how to trick my brain and actually think that i have these things like i'm gonna i last night, I started imagining myself performing at Madison Square Garden with a guitar singing.

And I'm like picturing the front row, picturing that I can't see, hearing the roar, which is a total insane dream. But honestly, it's not, it might be a sound check for when I do stand up there. No, stand up,

I've already achieved what I want to. Like I'm good. Your first manifestation really should be manifesting finishing that book. If you don't start with that, then you're not going to do it. Okay, hold on. Let me go there.

Okay. How it's going to feel to turn the last page. Oh, God. I can see the ISDN number and barcode on the back cover. The author's picture? Yes. It is interesting, though,

like what separates someone from if they have equal ability yeah how does that one person end up oh really yeah like all these comedians we know that are so funny so funny that just haven't made it and they deserve it as much as so many people that have made it if not more because of their skill level and you go what is it and i always think it's self-doubt. Well, it's self-doubt. It's not believing in themselves. It's marketing.

It's a lot of things other than just- But marketing is believing in yourself and thinking, people deserve to see me. It's a lot of things. A lot of it comes down to luck. It's the same thing with musicians. How many musicians do you know that are just unbelievably talented? You can't believe how good they are and nobody will ever

they're not even on a record on YouTube I watch people do you know I'll google covers of certain songs and I'm like

this girl's voice how is this not it's better than Katy Perry's or better than Lady Gaga's it's amazing but she didn't

do all the same things and it makes me feel discouraged because I'm like if I want to be a singer this girl is like not even trying in her bedroom she's 17 white

but then I realize it's because I've talked about if I want to be a singer, this girl is not even trying in her bedroom. She's 17. But then I realized it's because, I've talked about this before, people like different sounding voices. Noah likes roaring men. What was the name of the band that you said yesterday? Lemons and Maggots or something. Maggots and Leeches. Maggots and Leeches.

Leeches and Maggots, yeah. We were talking about old, the way they used to do surgery and stuff uh in right yeah during the you know turn of the century whatever um back in the day i think we live in a world now though if you are talented because of the internet you as a comedian this is the best time ever for you to become uh a working comedian where you don't have to worry about getting five minutes on late night. You don't have to worry about

getting 30 minutes. It's still important. Those things can matter and it solidifies you. But if you see someone like Nimesh Patel, he's completely made an audience for himself. Michael Malone, who was at the Funny Bum's weekend. Chris is starting a podcast

and he sent me an episode that he and Tim did with, do you have a name for your podcast yet? I mean, I wanted to call it Breakfast for Dinner, but I think it's going to be called the Convy Brothers Podcast. Breakfast for Dinner is so good though.

But yes. Because it's like a little special, like exciting treat that you get when your other guest presents. But your, the episode you sent me was so freaking good. It was with Michael Malone, who I really recommend checking out his stand-up.

He's someone who has also not waited for gatekeepers to give him a late night set. He said for the first time, I've known him for 20 years almost, maybe more. I don't even know at this point, depending on what my age is today. And he said last year was the first time in 20 years of doing stand-up they submitted for

a late night set and he's done it all himself he has two specials out one on amazon prime one's called um the name of special was so good do you remember what it was called life after death yes what a great name yeah he's had some serious tragedy in his life yeah good clean this weekend i was brought on stage at um the lady journey, which will be up soon with Sarah Talamash and Katie Hannigan. Is that Katie Hannigan, right? Yeah. And they brought me up and said,

check out her special Good Clean Filth. And I got a laugh in the room, that title. The title did? Yeah, yeah. Oh, man, that's awesome. That was you. They were really nice. Final thought, let's do Reddit.

Karaoke mode. This is your Reddit dump. All right, so this is where I go through my Reddit. Karaoke mode. This is your Reddit dump. Alright. So this is where I go through my Reddit. So this is from AskReddit and it says, what's a dark secret you want to get off your chest? And it has in brackets serious.

So serious replies only because sometimes people on Reddit always try to be funny. Someone said, when I was seven, I was home alone. I called 911 due to a house fire that consumed half the house and they found me outside. My mother,

who was at work, I was a latchkey kid, was told by the fire department that it was an electrical fire. In truth, I had a lighter and was fascinated by fire. I was burning the little tassels

at the end of the blanket on my bed, putting them out before it caught the whole blanket on fire until I wasn't able to and the whole bed caught fire. I'm 40 now my mother

still doesn't know the truth and i still remember it all vividly complete with the heat on my face as i tried in vain to put out the bed whoa whoa did you ever go you're leaving your kid at seven so it's kind of your fire phase did you ever go through the phase where you take a lighter and you like just hold down the the black button and all the gas comes out and then you light it on your clothes or skin. Remember we were doing that? Oh, yes. Don't do that, kids. Or you could put it in your hand,

all the gas, and then you light it and then you open your hand and it fires. Or did you ever have the girls that would hold the lighter and they'd tilt it so the whole metal part got really hot and then they'd singe their skin

and it looked like a smiley face? The two parts that you slide your fingers down fingers down those were the two eyes they were like slits and then the little part where the flame comes out looked like a smiley face oh yeah did you ever do that thing where it's like somebody's birthday and you put all these candles in a cake and then you just lit oh fuck yeah dude no that's fucking weird yeah well no one ever celebrated his birthday oh boo yeah that's what i would say that's weird though will you show me that later um once someone said um i snore i used to smoke matches that was a dumb thing like i would light the match and then it would that that

ignite i'd suck it oh it does smell so good oh but it would burn no i would do it alone while i was on the shitter with my pants on i would do the same thing but with the the tennis ball container oh open those up take good whiff that's got to be toxic um this person said i worked on spongebob squarepants the yellow avenger and know for a fact that the game cannot be 100 completed on the ds version not my fault but i hate that it's shipped like that and i feel sorry for anyone who seriously tries oh i like that one too um someone said ask reddit what is the best non-sexual non-drug related physical sensation you've ever experienced and this is a question i'd like us all to try to answer non-drug non-sexual related physical sensation you've ever experienced someone said when you're a kid and you play in the pool or in the ocean all day and you

come home and get a shower and go to your room and the air conditioning has been running, you've been playing all day and are exhausted, your skin is tight, kind of tight for being in the sun and water, your eyes are tired from squinting and you get in your nice cool bed and curl up and take a post pool slash beach nap. Oh, that's good. That reminded me of, have you ever gone to you've been playing in the ocean all day or gone to an amusement park and then you come home that night you go to bed and you can feel yes like oh like the sensation of being like in the waves sometimes if i think about our relationship in bed at night it feels exactly like being on a

roller coaster all day long um someone said laughing at a really good joke is one of the best feelings in the world and i gotta say like we went to the comedy club on friday night to see dan mintz i quoted some of his jokes oh god they're so good yesterday's episode but um what was one of your favorites do you remember yeah i mean the the cub scout well the satan one was probably one of my will you say it yeah it was um he said you know he's he's doing one-liner so he's just going you know bam bam bam right throw him and he goes i'm probably gonna go to hell for this next one and he goes i pledge my undying loyalty to satan and then will you help me with the cub scout one yeah a pack a

day habit is really disgusting especially if you're a pedophile cub scout leader yeah yeah is that it yeah something like that um yeah i just it was so nice to laugh so hard and i had been really depressed that day and almost thought about bailing on the whole night because i was like i just don't feel like even being forced to laugh because it's not gonna work and man it helped it was so good what do you guys think of a physical sensation that feels good that isn't sex or i gotta not to brag but i you know spent some time in paris and i gotta my hair was very long and curly and disgusting and the person that cut my hair i never have gotten a head massage from a hairstylist before yeah and i didn't even

know they do that and this girl did it for 40 minutes and it was like do you ever brennish give you one you should ask for that for 40 minutes yeah she would probably do it for 40 seconds well there is a place in st louis that does do it called lady jane oh that sounds uh like you might get other might get another kind of head. They don't cut your hair. But no, but that head massage I still think about today. Whoa. Because I never got one before, and it was just so much longer than it should have been.

Yeah. Did you almost feel afterwards, like I feel after a massage sometimes where I'm like, are you going to call me? Did you feel like almost an attachment that you felt a little bit sad? I was like sad that I knew that that would never happen again in America. Yes, in America.

Yeah, that I would have to move to France and learn French. Do you have one, Chris? My wife is the only one I've been with. Oh, yeah, I said that yesterday. Oh, you did? It was my favorite. Oh, mine, did you do the,

my wife died snorkeling uh when we were in the bahamas she died doing what she loved ruining my vacation yeah that one was so good i butchered that one no you didn't that was perfect i forgot that one yeah i mean for me it's rides like i i do legitimately love roller coasters and like you know you know, this is going to sound like, of course. I thought you meant bike rides. I do like, oh, going fast down a hill on a bike is one of the greatest feelings that I currently get to have. And then skydiving. I know that that one's like probably pretty obvious. But also like that feeling of being like a little bit weightless while you're. Diving?

Scuba diving. Oh, yeah. scuba diving was an insane feeling it was it wasn't as physically like i don't put it up there with like sex and um what was the other one drugs in terms of like uh but or like something you fork but it was there was just a stillness about it that made it was it was my first glimpse into what like meditate meditation could be oh sorry for me the other one is that feeling you get when you're uh during christmas when you're doing cutting wrapping paper and all of a sudden the scissors yeah just smooth just oh that was so good mine is probably that is a nice thing when you cut once and then you slide over it my grandma like doing tickies on my back of like gentle like laying across her stomach in my 20s no um yeah my grandpa rubbing my back was just

gentle with her fingers and then she would um draw animals and i would have to guess what they are and that is like that to me was like must have been a good artist how can you tell between a dog and a cat well you can do like it has a long neck and then i was doing it to your uh nephews the other day and they loved it i was like so excited to play this game and they were like do me and it was so cute i was like having a trouble trouble like coming up with animals that kids would know my mom did this thing i loved where she would take your chin and pull a hair off and just bob it like that i'm gonna try to do it relax yourself your teeth oh that's fine it's kind of a little massage oh that is good you don't

really realize how much tension you have in your face and like right here if you just go like this for three seconds you go oh i've been holding on to my jaw clenching something from 20 years ago right yes like it's kind of wild it's like i don't know. No, what's something euphoric for you? Well, you guys are giving such like thoughtful, sweet answers. And the thing that I could think of is it's so stupid. It's when you choke some fool out on the mats. No. You hear their last breath.

I don't know if anyone's ever done ear candling. Oh, yeah. Okay, so you do ear candling and it takes the wax out of your ears some people don't believe it does but for me it does then you take a q-tip you take some of the cotton off i know you don't like cotton separation okay and then you stick the q-tip inside so far in that you're like touching the bone and cleaning it very gently no and it feels amazing it's euphoric like the song lyrics to us your favorite song yeah wait you honestly noah that's so dangerous supposed to like put a cutip in with the cotton you take it off not not all of it off you just make it a little thinner so it goes all the way in oh my god

and then you get a bunch of gunk on there um it's not really gunk but it's just like it it touches this very sensitive part of the ear and it's almost orgasmic i i know what you're talking about there's there's certain feelings that having my feet rubbed in a certain way asmr also for me it was a huge like uh orgasmic feeling um this was a funny um i guess a tweet from suspiciously specific which is one of my favorites and it says asparagus grows like it's trying to prank some idiot into thinking this is how asparagus grows it looks like just stalks sticking out of the ground like you just took the stalks just poked them like just poked them in the ground. Like just poked them in the ground. Like, you know, you're putting down a tent.

Yes. And then, oh, wait. Sorry, I lost my place. So asparagus isn't like on a tree or anything? No. It just comes straight out like that? That's, yeah. Does asparagus make your pee smell?

What was that? Does asparagus make your pee smell very easily? No, it doesn't. You're so lucky. It's a different gene. was something i think i did on reddit one time it's a different gene it's a um to be able to smell asparagus pee and then to also have your pee affected by asparagus so some people can smell their own asparagus pee some people have asparagus pee smell and can't smell it and some people have neither and i don't know which i am because i you wouldn't know if you're no one's ever smelling my asparagus pea except me and if i don't i definitely don't have the gene where you could smell it interesting or

maybe i do and i just don't have it you don't know did you find any fun tweets or anything yeah i found one that i liked uh this i found this one earlier today he's from isabel steckle says whenever i whenever i switch sleep positions i'm like this one's gonna be huge for me it's so true it's so true i was having restless leg last night and i was like i have that fight it yeah see what happens when you fight it and you just go you're not gonna die there's nothing like and just try to detach i was almost getting um meditative about it where i'm like you don't have a body just lay like observe the pain that's going on in your leg instead of trying to make it go away just like be curious about it like a panic attack and it actually

made them go away because i was it was keeping me up i couldn't stop every so often it would just be this tingling that was like change positions now yeah just i have i get foot pain and what helps me is connecting you know when you sleep your feet are kind of like you they're not touching the bed your bottom of your feet are never touching the bed but if you can connect your feet to the bed you can feel more i don't know they're the cooling aspect and more grounded but i sleep on my stomach so that's gonna be hard you sleep on your back no i sleep on sometimes if i want to ground my feet i'll go so i'm sleeping like this and then i'll just go like this have you heard of

grounding huh not your kids yeah like where you lay on the earth and like become one with like the soil and you try to get like yeah you take your shoes or your shoes and socks off you'd feel the grass in your toes yeah and it's supposed to help you it's there's something to it when you garden and your shirt's off yeah i sat on a tree the other day like it's roots in this boston park and it was so like peaceful to like sit on this tree and be like this tree is connected to it yes no i get that it was like a little chair in this tree and i just sat in it and it was just like i am i felt like pocahontas but there are tons of studies that are like you being out in nature i know like a park in boston isn't necessarily nature but it felt like it being in nature is like huge for our mental health i know and it's it's i was talking to a depressed person last night who

is probably listening to the podcast shout out to teal um he also runs depressed and we i was suffering really a lot the past like five days with it and he was he was too and I was like dude the thing that has helped me so much is like just going and first of all getting my dog here from my parents because it forces me to go outside and walk him like a walk around the fucking block and I know that depressed people are like I can't even do that I know you can't but if you can just go outside for like 30 seconds and get some fucking sun it's so it it's something man it does something i gotta be in nature more and you gotta force me to do it babe because no problem glaze yeah it's on the list it's on our list of things to do oh yeah chris has a whole list of things to do when we're quiet oh it's a gem you

can literally walk a half a mile and you could be complete silence. Complete. I was in the middle of this field on Saturday at five o'clock. And I'm not kidding you around me. I did a panorama shot because it was like we could have filmed an end of the world scene there because there was no one at five o'clock on a Saturday in August. It was like and I it was probably a quarter mile i could see around me and there wasn't a single soul and it was i talked to god out there like i was talking to birds i was like i could scream in a way that i couldn't even scream in

my apartment um and then i got scared about getting raped because i was like no one would hear me so then i ran home but people probably live because not not a lot of your besties live in st louis necessarily but people probably live in places that they've never explored their biggest park near in their city yeah like you know st louis's park is amazing but i'm sure there's parks near people that they should just go check out there's there's like national parks close to people and like even more local parks just walking through those paths they're all over the country yeah listening to the like taking your headphones out listening to the grass like on your shoe or like the gravel like shit like that just getting mindful and just getting close

with god whatever your version of it is quantum physics man guys thank you guys so much for listening to the podcast um chris you're an amazing guest. I love having you here. I would invite you back tomorrow, but I'm sorry. Can I say one thing to the besties? I'm always nervous coming on the show just because you guys are so good and such awesome professionals, but the besties have been so nice to me

and have reached out and said, yeah, people have said some really nice things. So thank you to people for being supportive. It's really a cool group to be a part of. I always get positive feedback when you're on the show and if you want more of chris and more of just me too because i'm often on the show you got to check out the courtney show um podcast it's every day they upload it chris writes the descriptions for the show and that alone is enough to like look at the show on the podcast app the descriptions are so funny the name of the

shows are funny he'll name it like the one where we had a pretty good time the last half and he'll be like listen not everything's gonna go the way like you're like you don't need to listen to the first part of the podcast but we really had fun on the second part guaranteed so many people listen to the first part yeah the first part of your show is my favorite because they talk about like their weekends it's kind of like our show i, I modeled this after a morning radio show because I wanted it to be daily. And his show is so fun. And if you like our show, I just know you'll like his.

And it's called The Courtney Show. And you can get it at wherever Apple podcasts are. And if you're up early in the morning and you've already listened to our podcast from the night before and you have no podcast to listen to, if you download the Arch app, you can listen to his show live

from 6 to ten central time anywhere you are and so i'm whenever i'm on the road i'm always so glad when i'm like also on east coast because i wake up at like nine i'm like yes they have three more hours of the show left it does help us feel close because you'll listen and text and it just it feels like an american tale you can text into his show he reads the text on air it's like a live experience it's so much fun i wouldn't recommend it just because he's my boyfriend. It honestly,

it's one of the reasons whenever we've broken up that I've honestly been like very sad is because it would be like, it would be hard to listen to if we weren't together. And it's so, it brings me so much joy.

So check out The Courtney Show. Download the Arch app if you want to listen live. But you can also get it as a podcast. Go see Andrew April 30th, Tuesday. August, August 30th. August 30th, Tuesday. August, August 30th, Tuesday,

Zanies, Nashville. Please go support him. He is headlining. It is his first big headlining gig in a, you know, a major market. And we want people to come out and support him and make him feel really good

about it. It's going to be so much fun. You're going to kill it. I've been working hard on. I know you have. I can't wait to see it. And I'm sure you're going gonna clip the fuck out of it right yeah

okay good I'm definitely filming that bitch and then you can come see me in Vegas if you're looking for a last minute trip at the end of the summer to tack on

why don't you go out to Vegas September 2nd I am there at the theater at Virgin Hotels so go stay at the Virgin Hotels you like this look on me yeah jeez

you look great what is it a clip from the show of me talking about skydiving yeah maybe choose that as your screen why don't you throw a mustache on her and then she'll get on i love the reaction to that just now but yeah come on you're gonna see anya you're gonna see um benedict uh polizzi from f boy island who made it to the finals as you saw he's gonna be hilarious and then you'll see me and it really is my last performance with this voice and god only knows what's gonna happen in

the surgery this could be my last performance forever you don't know um but it will be my last performance before a very groundbreaking event in my life and i think that if i were a fan of an artist i would want to see this performance uh if it was in their career of like how my life is going to be very like before the surgery and after the surgery I almost I hate to compare myself to the trans people but I feel like it almost is that big for me because

and also my doctor says that the girls that get the surgery always go I sound like a girl now and they start dressing femininely after they have the surgery even though they don't even want to be, like they never even wanted to wear dresses. They're just like, I'm so feminine now. Like my voice always dictated that I'm kind of like,

I'm a boy's girl. And I'm like, I'm masculine energy. So you're gonna be even tanner. Yeah, get ready for shorter skirts. I mean, I'm already very feminine on stage, but I think it's, if you can make it out to Vegas, and if you have any friends that are gonna be in Vegas or live there, i would love for these ticket sales to go better

than they're going right now um i think last i checked it was at 37 and that was a couple weeks ago i got to see nikki do comedy this weekend which is rare right now for me and i loved it so much people need to go check out so much new stuff so much funny stuff oh my god and dan inspired me so much yeah but you're thinking non-stop about it i mean i even wrote on the way because we went to dan and then we went right to the funny bone uh the other funny bone in westport you didn't say one word your brother yeah your brother um vocal rest and also disinterested um but your brother was uh the opening act of the feature act for uh michael malone who i talked about earlier and i did a guest set after tim tim brought me up and man i had so much fun on stage in a way that i

haven't before so come see me in vegas is going to be a such a meaningful show to me of course there will be meet and greets afterwards and as always if you can't afford a meet and greet you can buy them at the merch booth but if you cannot afford them you know your girl's gonna hook you up you just write to me and say uh just like all caps important and then write your name and uh write vegas and i'll know to put you down because it's only one show how much money to them and um yeah just but don't write important and then write a new one send it all in one block because i'll only see the last block you sent and if you just send me your name i might think you're i might not see it and if i don't um get to it send it again and i will give you a free meet and greet

for your ticket purchase. So I will send that to people who listen to the whole podcast and made it this far. Thank you for listening. Thank you, Chris Convey. Thank you, Andrew Collin. Noah will be here tomorrow, Wednesday on the show. Don't be cut.

And Jack Nicholas. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight Nicholas And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Emi Olea, host of the podcast Crumbs. For years, I had to rely on other people to tell me my story. And what I heard wasn't good. You really f***ed last night.

It felt like I lived most of my life in a blackout. I was trapped in addiction. You had to grab the lamp and smash it against the walls. And then I decided I wanted to tell my own story. Listen to Crumbs on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Happy holidays from me, Michael Rapoport. And my gift to you is a free subscription

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Hey, I'm Jay Shetty, and my latest interview is with Mel Robbins. Work has been seen as the number one cause of stress. How can the let them theory help? As you notice the stress come up, Jay, you're simply going to say, let them. You have no idea right now how much time and energy is being wasted because of other people's behavior. It's like a death by a thousand cuts. Listen to On Purpose with Jay Shetty

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