The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #263 Microghost

Episode Date: August 25, 2022

Nikki is not overly prepared for her hosting gig on Jimmy Kimmel Live! and she's not stressed about it. She tells Andrew about the new "5 rule" she is applying to life to help get over worrying. They dig into Untold the Manti Te'o documentary and Andrew gives an elevator pitch for Jerrod Carmichael's On the Count of Three .They talk about getting physical in the kitchen with their partners and how to break bad cycles in a relationship. Andrew shares a short story with a neutral ending about his High School football days. In the Final Thought Nikki is not sure how she will keep quiet during sex after vocal surgery.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Listen to Minnie Questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. You are cordially invited to... The Hottest Party in Professional Sports.

I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour, tips to help improve your swing, and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production

in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apples, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. That's right. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. With a blend of humor, vulnerability, and authenticity, we share our personal journeys navigating our 30s, tackling the complexities of modern relationships, and engage in thought-provoking discussions that challenge societal expectations.

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Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, an investigative journalist, and this is my journey deep into the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy in my adult. He was like, I'll take you to the top, I'll make you a star. To expose an alleged predator and the rotten industry he works in. It's honestly so much worse than I had anticipated. We're an army in comparison to him. From Novel, listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. It's Nikki Glaser. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast from St. Louis. Andrew Cullen is going to join us shortly. He is waiting to have a window repaired out of Brenna's car. It got knocked out. Apparently a bunch of... Apparently

they were at a bar somewhere or something and someone just knocked out a bunch of windows in like four minutes. Knocked out like 20 something windows. For no reason. than just, you know. Just to make Andrew late for the podcast. Yeah, it was me.

I wanted to buy a little alone time back. I gave it up about a year ago. No, that's just so, it just sucks that people, sometimes you see something and you go, that's because someone was molested once you know like i look at like property damage and i go that's someone who either like someone beat them as a child someone neglected them that's a school system failing someone i just like look at there's a sign outside of um a shop nearby when i walk the dog it's insomnia cookies and it's like this

cute sign that's always like out front you know on the street I don't even know what those are called like on they have to like put it out in the morning and there's just a big fucking hole in it now because one night someone just kicked it and it's just like I know it was someone who was drunk but like you don't do that when you're drunk unless you have so much fucking rage inside you from some childhood trauma and that is why better help is a great resource to talk to a therapist tonight it's just i look at things like that and i just go it's because of unresolved anger issues it makes me so sad and then it's just such an inconvenience and then now and i and today andrew's like hey can we the podcast late? And we have to tape two today.

So it was like, not, I was like, we'll just start on time, but just join us late. It's not a big deal. And I wanted to assuage his fears because I could just see him like getting like probably bubbling up because he's like the window guy is late. And then he's going to be like, I saw him like gnawing on his fingers and Nikki's going to be mad at me. And then he's gonna take that rage out somewhere like it's all just like yeah it trickles down he's just like he's coming up

right now by the way so he's not even that good okay she's not worried about anything what do you have going on today because you said that you were super busy yeah i'm uh well i have to pack for a pretty long trip i'm gonna be gone until, I shouldn't say because my mom will be like, Nick, people know when you're gone. They'll rob you dry. Well, I'm having someone stay here anyway, so don't even try to come by. But I'm going to be gone for a while. I'm going to do Jimmy Kimmel Live.

That is Thursday. The one thing about Jimmy Kimmel Live is I don't, I'm taping something tomorrow for like a pre-tape that I'm gonna throw to during the monologue. But other than that, no idea what I'm doing on the show. I know who I'm interviewing. It's Danny DeVito and Jamila Jamil. Wait, Jamil.

Fuck. It is. It's Jamila Jamil, right? Yeah. Wait, what's her last, Jamila. I always fuck up her name. It's so embarrassing. Yeah, Jamila Jamil. Sometimes I go there. It can't be jameel twice and which one is do you throw in the la the last one or the first one and it's embarrassing but it reminds me of jaleel white i'm named lexus named lexic um yeah it does remind did i do that didn't i screw up her name someone? Someone that I've done a podcast with for hours. But you know what?

I don't know how people remember everything. And I realize that podcasts are the true indicator of how much you remember. Because there's no editing. I mean, there is slight editing in podcasting. But oftentimes, if I don't remember someone's name, it's just going to be out there. And they're just going to know. And it's not. She's a famous person.

Of course I know. And she's a famous person of course i know she and she's my guest on thursday so look forward to that and um danny devito is gonna be fun i've been listening to podcasts of his interviews just to figure out maybe some fun things to bring up um but other than that like no idea what the monologue is gonna be and this is taping in two days most people would be a little bit alarmed right now i don't know why i don't care because you know what if i ever do a late night talk show i know that late night shows do not start preparing two days before like yes people internally start preparing two days before but the host itself lives day by day and then you do it

you show up you get the monologue jokes, you go through them, like the day itself is packed. And like you work all day to lead up to the, you know, around five o'clock taping. But there is nothing to be done right now. Like the producers would be reaching out to me to be like, what are you thinking for this monologue? I remember during the first time I guest hosted that I thought there was a little bit more preparation, but I think I was just more freaked out then. Now I just feel very calm about it. And I'm like, I don't know.

It's like, no one remembers when I hosted the first time. So if this goes terribly wrong, no one will remember this one either. And not that it doesn't matter, but it's just like things come and go. Like even Top Gun Maverick that has, you know, made literally a billion or more dollars. I think it's like a billion dollars and one one dollar billion and one dollars um luigi's grunting so andrew's here um but it people

are gonna forget about that too and it's the biggest thing ever like i was reading about some celebrity back in the day oh danny devito was talking i was listening to this podcast and danny devito was talking about like how big taxi the show he was on taxi was and that was 1970 whatever and no one in my generation or anyone younger gives a fuck about taxi and it was the biggest show i mean maybe some like super tv nerds do i obviously have an appreciation for it because it was in you know the andy kaufman man on the moon show but i don't really i'm not gonna go back and watch taxi the fact that taxi was pulled off the air too soon it was this big thing he danny devino went on snl um and like did this whole stunt where he like torched the cbs building out of retaliation for them pulling taxi what it was they won all these em Emmys in the fourth season and then it got canceled.

And that was the biggest news item that week was because taxi was canceled. No one would, not one even like living during that time remembers that. So anything that you, Andrew's here, everyone, anything that you would think, Oh my God,

this is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. It's not like the biggest news items right now i was mantay teo mantay teo that was yes that was the biggest thing going in 2012 13 the biggest story and it is a blip on my rate i mean i knew about it then but if i saw mante teo down the street i wouldn't know like everything will oh and yeah and nothing is that important everything you're probably fucking nervous about the zany show in a year you do the five rule five day five hours five minutes five days but wait five minutes five hours five days five years think about how much it will matter in those times and it after it happens and it's honestly like the shelf life of things that matter.

I'm talking about Kimmel and how I have literally no idea what I'm doing on Thursday. It's Thursday. Today's Tuesday. I have, have you talked to any writers or anything? Yeah. I talked early on being like,

Hey, I just want the monologue to be like tight fucking jokes. I want it to be reminiscent of like my roast sets of just like, but, but, but, but, but,

but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but,

but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but,

but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but,

but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but,

but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, of like my roast sets of just like and i know what i'm doing like a one minute speed roast thing of politicians haven't written a single joke don't know any politicians truly don't know

anything about it so but i'm gonna have help there's like the best writers on that show um but i remember when they helped me with my first monologue it was just like oh my god the level of joke writing is insane you all should be like the best comedians and like and they are i mean they're all like stand-ups that um just ended up going the writing route more because it's like more secure and also they don't travel all the time and probably uh they have like health care and stuff um and uh yeah they they wrote me about so i have a plan of i know i'm shooting a man on the street piece tomorrow that's why i'm going in early uh and so i know that and that's just going to be based on what i ask people and in the you can't really prepare for that and they're just

like questions it'll be great so other than that i'm interviewing danny devito and jamila jameel and wait danny devito yeah i mean what do you what would you ask him uh how big is your fat cock well that's abc so how big is your fat uh penis you're that big dick abp i um what i would ask danny devito uh fuck does anything come to mind i've been listening to like all podcasts i listened to the jim rome podcast yesterday and he was on it well i mean i wasn't just like listening the jim rome podcast yesterday and he was on it well i mean i wasn't just like listening to jim rome and he just happened to be on it i'd search to find out like what he's like i thought you're a huge jim i remember you being a jim rome i am now what a great guy is he the guy from he used to do sports right he does sports yeah there's a great

video of him uh making fun of a defensive lineman who's probably 480 pounds. Like the biggest guy you've ever seen. The scariest man you've ever seen. And he called him a nickname that he made up. And the guy goes, I bet you won't say that nickname while I'm in your face. Really. It was in his chest because how big the guy was. And Jim Rome looks up and he just fucking says it right in the guy's fucking

and the guy throws him off the chair really like it was like it was like a huge video like back you know before exactly and no one fucking remembers it anymore yeah so i was just thinking like oh sorry so yeah so danny devito yeah jim rome's awesome i i was really impressed by like he was just so enthusiastic about interviewing danny devito had great questions it's just nice to um see another like broadcaster that you're like oh this is how he's doing the thing and he was very reverential like you could tell he was like i can't believe i'm talking to dan devito where at the same time being like having really good questions and um and yeah i i uh i just have i just am like how i'm freaking out that I'm not freaking out. Does that even make sense?

That's the light switch thing. I think once I heard Ben Gleave say, treat everything like a light switch, it's really helped my brain a little bit. I don't know. It turned on a switch. But that being said, Ben Gleave, I reached out for him to. He's on meth right now in Amsterdam. No, he's co-hosting on the 27th in LA. I'm doing a benefit show for dogs, right?

Mayday Rescue. Yeah. And so I'm going to be hosting that and you can get details on Mayday Rescue Instagram. And I was like thinking another day after the podcast with Ben Glebo, I was like, he would be really good

to host this thing with because it's an auction and I have to run an auction. He will get me to do anything so he can get more money out of these people than I could. I'd be like, you don't have to. You guys just try not to eat meat once. She's going to be like, this is for dogs.

What are you talking about? I'll just do the charity part. Just laugh. You don't even have to give money. I'm going to give money. Yeah, I'll do it. You guys, will you just tell me how much money you would give and I'll higher than that um so yeah exactly so i uh i love that story i felt so stupid after i told you yesterday i was like was i just bragging about being like but i think i ultimately shared the story of giving money away was because i thought maybe i think it could inspire people to do the same if they have the means that's why i shared

it i wasn't trying to be like i'm such a good person i really wasn't because later on i was because I thought maybe I think it could inspire people to do the same if they have the means. That's why I shared it. I wasn't trying to be like, I'm such a good person. I really wasn't. Because later on, I was haunted by that. And I was like, can I have Noah take that out? Because it was just so, it felt like I was just being like, look at what a great friend I am. But I promise it wasn't that. Maybe it was that subconsciously, but it really, I don't think it was.

The good thing about it, though, is um they say that in order to sustain happiness the best way to do it is by helping others like that's how you sustain happiness so there is something positive to be taking from it than just bragging it makes me happy to brag about it on my podcast for the rest of my life um but i am i am but ben glebe so i asked him to do this charity show and he's like yes i'll cancel my flight i'll come back early um because he's going on a trip he's like i'll come back early i'll change my flight and i was like thank you so he's hosting with me and then i told him um yeah i was like do it because he was enthusiastic he was like this will be great we can get we can do this how do you want to prepare i'm like

stop just show up let's just wing it they're not paying us you can tell he hasn't slept in a while god but this is light switch ben so then he goes wait you're guest hosting can i help you with that do you want me to cancel the trip i'll stay around and help you with it i'm like ben i'm not even thinking about it yet i all i know is what i'm wearing and i barely know that like so light switch ben already wants to he's making me feel like I should be preparing. So what do I do with this? I just don't, I just don't, I think my approach is,

and I was saying this before, if I hosted my own late night show, I'm not thinking about Thursday's show on Monday. I'm not thinking about Thursday's show on Tuesday. I'm not thinking about Thursday's show on Wednesday. I've read enough about late night. You think about Thursday's show on Thursday. And do you enough about late night. You think about Thursday's show on Thursday. And do you think about it on Friday? No. After it's

over, you dump it and you move on to the next one. You're only as good as your last show so maybe it's in your head a little bit, but you let it go. Dude, you're a pro. Jay Leno would forget people that he interviewed when he saw them in the parking lot afterwards. That is true story. He would interview someone on his show and then go to the parking

lot to his car and then he would forget and the person would say, thank you, that was so fun and he'd go, who are you? Well, there were like 80 old... Is this one mine? I was trying to think of one old car. Plymouth? F-150? That's not a car.

That's a new car. Like a rock. I was strong as I could be. I don't know that. Like a rock. How strong is that could be? I don't know that song outside of that commercial. You know who it is? Like a rock. I think it's Kenny Rogers. Kenny Wayne Shepard.

Oh. Oh. I think. That's weird. That sounds like a serial killer. Kenny Wayne Shepard sounds like someone who murdered a bunch of people in Wyoming in 1977. A lead singer of Noah's favorite band. Dude.

I read about this. Leeches and Maggots. I read about this serial killer, not serial killer, but this guy last night. I don't even know. It was on some Reddit post of like triumphs, you know? And it was this girl,

like 1970s, holding up her hands and she has two prosthetic hook arms. Oh. And she's like, yay. And she's this young girl with like 70s like curl like that farrah fawcett brown hair and then i read the little thing below and it was like 15 year old

jacqueline murphy was hitchhiking from vegas to los angeles got a ride from this guy he raped her and then hacked off both of her arms and threw her 30 feet down a ravine and this bitch climbs out and the next morning people see her dangling her arms waving for help and then she's triumphantly like in a picture like woohoo hook ants and like i just love the resilience and they and she and she remembered this guy so much that she gave a description they were able to draw him she couldn't draw it. I also love the idea of he's like, you'll never hitchhike again. Like, what a dick. Oh, yeah.

You think he was thinking that? That's a good point. I wonder if he... I mean, that's a fucking weird thought. He's like the guy in Seven who would punish you for doing the sins. Like, you're hitchhiking and you're a young woman and that's illegal. Yeah, I mean... If you jaywalk...

He could have just took her thumbs if he was a nice guy What a dick You'll never review movies in the 1990s I don't know You'll never give peace again You'll never flick a guy I mean anything with your hands Sign language

What if she was deaf Do you have no thumbs The loser sign Oh yeah you could never do whatever just you're a moron just walk away you ever do that one whatever do the okay sign or now the racist oh yeah it feels weird now what a weird oh my god speaking of a sign with your hands mantay teo that documentary is fucking insane i knew you'd love it i love i love i mean i'm watching this i go i know someone that's going to.

It's sports meeting your world. He is just such a sweet. Did you watch with Chris? Man, yes. He's so hot, too. I'm sorry. I had to kind of keep that in. I was like, I love a guy that'd glow up.

I love anyone that was not hot when they could have been their hottest when they're young. I love someone who, because I was that way. My whole 20s squandered. 27 is when I figured out how to dress and put on makeup and actually look sexually attractive. But it took me that long. And that is usually- It's so weird how long it can take people to figure out their shit. Meanwhile, Apple Paltrow is the hottest thing I've ever seen in my life.

Who? Apple Paltrow. Who the hell is that? Apple Paltrow's daughter. Oh, oh, oh. my life. Who? Apple Paltrow, Winifred Paltrow's daughter. Oh, oh, oh. She had a party in the hand with a soft picture of her, and I'm just like, these girls know how to figure it out. When I was Brenna's age, I looked disgusting. Brenna's been looking hot for so long.

How do they know so early? She went through a weird phase. I think her going to Europe at such a young age on her own for a year you kind of figure shit out when you're on your own you know what i mean like what am i gonna look really with my dad like but i was on my own from high school out yeah that's true and i still looked like shit i just i love a glow up so this guy manti is just like, and he's so emotionally evolved. No, I didn't look into where he's at now, but I'm happy for him. He seems to have closure. He's a little bit Jesus-y, but I don't mind that.

I hope men make it to the end of the documentary because maybe they'll get therapy too. I love a guy talking about therapy and how it is a breakthrough for him. I mean, the ending, i think a lot of people i know myself if i'm gonna be completely like i felt anger towards the person that catfished them like still really because i let go of that the second she was like i'm trans and i did not know i know to be myself i let go of it within five minutes but chris and i were just like fuck this and then we were like oh we get it she wasn't just trying to trick someone she's trying to be a woman in the only space she could be and have a relationship in

the only place she could be i still think that i i still had anger and the anger came from when the i guess part of it is just projection, but the attention that she still was seeking even after the fact she told him he was dead. I know. Because Anne. But she was in love with the attention. She wanted the attention. No, but like anyone does in a romantic relationship.

Andrew. Look, I'm just saying, I just, it felt dirty to me. If you were born a girl and you had feelings about women and you wanted to but you couldn't talk to them and you could only be yourself you could only be andrew collin on this online platform and you could only talk to brenda on facebook how what you know and have that kind of connection for the first time in your life i agree and with all that it does make sense but there's still a. A transgender person can still be an asshole. Yeah. I did like, though, how she, when it was all going to break, she called and was just like, I apologize.

But that was after she came back from the dead. I know, but still an apology. Agreed. Getting out, having that be an intention. But happiness for her. I really do. And by the end of it, the anger dissipated a lot. But I was just like, because he was so trusting, I just felt like...

No, he wasn't... I mean, that was a lot of Mormon Jesus-y stuff. Chris and I were both saying, this kind of stuff happens to people who are... When you're too Jesus-y and you you're like i can't date people like he's i think he's mormon right he was so they're going to be so much more susceptible to this stuff i mean they believe in god of course they're going to believe someone online circle also if his hair was better in college no one would have believed that he had an online girl like i think that was the style, though.

No, I'm kidding. I'm just saying his glow up is so... And he went to Notre Dame. I think, oh my God, his glow up was... I mean, he is so hot in that interview. He just burped his hair out. It was good. Somehow he's tanner.

All right. We'll take a break and come back with more. Andrew! Hey! It's coming around the mountains again. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show the mountains again. You'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out, we want to raise awareness, and we want this to stop.

Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, and I'm an investigative journalist. When a group of models from the UK wanted my help, I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a playboy model. Lingerie, topless. I said, yes, please. Because at the center of this murky world is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his pattern of behaviour. He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it. He's everywhere and has been everywhere.

It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated. Together, we're going to expose him and the rotten industry he works in. It's not just me. We're an army in comparison to him. Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager.

Responsible and driven, and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened,

and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community. And I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps. Listen to CRIMS as part of the Michael Dura Podcast Network, available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Some people won't give you the real talk on drugs, but it's time we know the facts. Fentanyl is often laced into illicit drugs and used to make fake versions of prescription pills. You can't see it, taste it, or smell it. Suppliers mix fentanyl into their products because it's potent and cheap, and the dealer might not even know. Keep yourself and others safe by knowing the real deal on fentanyl. Get the facts. Go to realdealonfentanyl.com. This message is brought to you by the Ad Council. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf.

Featuring interviews with top players on tour like LPGA superstar Angel Yen. I really just sat myself down at the end of 2022 and I was like, look, either we make it or we quit. Expert tips to help improve your swing and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. The drinks were flowing, twerking all over the place, vaping, they're shotgunning. Women's golf is a wild ride full of big personalities, remarkable athleticism, fierce competition, and a generation of women hellbent on shanking that glass ceiling. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production

in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Elf Beauty, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. We're back. Wait till you see the most hated man on the internet. Yeah. I mean, I was going to watch the last thing.

I think it's better than Manti. Whoa. It's great. It's good. This Hunter Moore piece of shit is so fascinating. Or actually, don't. Oh, I'm not going to tell you. But, you know, he's just... Is he transgender

and you feel bad for him? No, he's a sociopath. I do feel bad for him because he was born with a fucking sociopathic brain that has no empathy and just... And he's a drug addict. He's a, you know, a sad, mean, mean person. But, um, yeah. All these documentaries,

the man who had a girlfriend that wasn't his, the most hated man on the internet, the boyfriend of the girl who died in the snow. A fish called Wanda. These documentaries, aren't they all named something like that? Yes, yes. Isn't there one that was like the father who killed his son? Oh, the boy who killed his dad. Yeah, there's all these.

I'm sure the other what's going on men are killing men are doing bad things you know what my favorite part of the man died doc was was some football the reveal of dr phil did you did you see that yes because they they have this cliffhanger of like and who was the person behind this voice? Who was it? And then all of a sudden you see, you know, and these documentaries all follow the same style of like filming the person before they're actually talking when they're getting miked and you get to like see them kind of like, and what are we doing?

Yeah. But you see Dr. Phil walking, but you can't tell who it is because it's just the waist. And it's probably like a seven second shot of being like, who is this? And then the way he bends down, you still can't tell because you see the top of his head. And then he sits up and it's just Dr. Phil.

And you go, why is Dr. Phil on this thing? It's just, it was, I laughed so hard. It was a weird scene too, wasn't it? When they go, it's a one in a, we've had voice detectives, one in a million. She goes in the other room. She's like, hey. And he goes, yeah.

Whoa, I guess it is her. I know, I was like, will you take that back, Dr. Phil? One in a million she goes in the other room she's like hey and like and he goes yeah they said it was a one in a million chance that you could be this voice and she's like hey baby i just like miss you good night he's like whoa that was such a weird scene you guys have got to see it um yeah so i watched that i've been have you seen the car michael movie no no i don't like scripted so it's gonna be a hard time for me to take that in can i try give you a little bit of a i don't want yeah give me a let's tell us what it's about elevator pitch yeah elevator pitch i guess uh i'm sorry i'm getting off on this floor. Bye, sir. You didn't do it. Ding.

Bye. That was the foreword of the movie. It did not work. Two best friends want to kill themselves. I'm in. The whole movie is about what they're going to do in the day before they double suicide. Ooh, this sounds like Columbine. Kind of. Yeah, that's what, I mean, if you the day before they double suicide. Ooh, this sounds like Columbine. Kind of.

Yeah, that's what, I mean, if you want to get into Columbine, it was two people who really wanted, I mean, it was one person who killed themselves. Both these guys went to college, I think. That's the difference. Oh, okay. Well, Eric was going to go to the Marines, and Dylan did get into Arizona, so they had plans afterwards. Whoa, Arizona State or University of Arizona?

I don't know. They went toward the, I should know that. My mom, I into columbine my i got my mom sue clebold's book she buzzed through it then i got her the other columbine book she's loving that she's texting me going like i can't believe this this is crazy and we're going to uh denver to go to red rocks to see wilco coming up and um she goes i I want to go to this campus. And I go, yes! I got a Columbine-y. I got a Columbine head.

So we're going to go to the campus again. I'm going to go to Columbine for the third time in a year. She's got to see it. It's wild out there. It's so beautiful. Where are you going? Church of Notre Dame? What are you doing as a mother and daughter? We're going to go see where a mask you're at. so beautiful. Where are you going to? Church of Notre Dame? What are you doing as a mother and daughter? We're going to go see where a mass cure happened. I mean. What's next?

Are you going to go? We're going to go see that ravine that that girl, old hook arms fell down. I'm going to get her into that when I send her that meme. I think people, I mean, this is morbid tourism, of course. Yeah. But you know what? I was thinking about that. But that's where, Battle of Gettysburg.

What do you want to go there for? That's exactly what I was going to say. I went to William & Mary. We played football on the grounds where thousands of people were murdered. And we were like, yeah, we're on the site of where everyone got. But again, five years, 50 years, 500 years.

Would you ever live in a place, like an apartment, where someone had died recently? Like say someone killed themselves. How recent? I mean, last tenant. I don't't know it'd be tough for me i'd be a little scared of ghosts is that what you would be scared of just just a feeling oh really i would like that feeling if there was no if there's a guarantee of no ghost kind of death suicide like a hanging let's say

in the bedroom closet well let's say the guest room closet so you're not really going the guest room isn't so but he planned it in his own bedroom you're the leasing agent you're like okay so someone hung themselves before you get upset before you get upset he jumped from the balcony so he did die on the sidewalk it might ruin your view but there's another view yeah there's a whole other he didn't jump on the ocean view he jumped on the street side um yeah would you i would literally be scared of ghosts even though i don't believe i mean i believe in them a little bit because of tyler henry but i would just on a day where i get a little maybe I do like microdose a little too hard I would start thinking I was seeing ghosts or something

micro ghost I would fear I would fear that one would show up you know that fear you have when you're laying in bed and you're like I'm not I had to convince myself as a child that didn't exist so I could like go to fucking sleep I had to be like they just don't exist like exist so I could go to fucking sleep. I had to be like, they just don't exist. Nikki, just don't believe it because if you don't believe it, then there's nothing to fear.

Yeah. I think if there's one story of a ghost other than the movies but caught where they really do fuck up someone. Yeah. You're getting punched and shit. Yeah. Like, pow, pow, pow. Yes. Yeah.

It's always throwing a plate at the most. I know. It's almost like a drunk dad. They're always, like, slamming a cabinet. Yeah. Yeah. You know. Is David Hasselhoff eating a cheeseburger? Running hot water.

Actually, they're doing what dads don't like. Yeah. They always, yeah, they always. Did someone eat my burrito? Hasselhoff. They, yeah, I've never – I know that someone's besties are going to be like, do violent things. But I don't know.

Well, also, the rent would be probably 40% off, which that would entertain me. I would like it for the story i just think i kind of like i like that morbid stuff but i do think if i lived alone and would regularly have to stay alone i would be too creeped out to deal with it didn't we think the guy that lived here died for some reason because we found his pills or something oh yeah no i mean he was a doctor i found his pills in our thing and then i googled him and he was a doctor and I found his pills in our thing. And then I Googled him and he was a doctor. And I was like, oh, I'm sleeping in a doctor's space. Yeah, it wasn't that he died.

He was a doctor. Why is that impressive? A doctor? Yeah, I mean, because they have to go to school so much. And so many doctors live in this building. They do. I mean, it's an insane amount of doctors. Every single person you meet is a doctor or a nurse.

They're all very nice because they see the most fucked up shit and so they have to like deal with that somehow i feel like a lot of doctors i know well a lot of them also have an insane ego and well they don't they a lot of them don't have like a whole lot of empathy because they can't otherwise they would feel sad all the time where a lot of humor lies in having no empathy to me yes like the darkest humor to me is like oh yeah i saw a lady die yesterday i mean she we couldn't even get her on the bed she was so big it's like wait what like no but i think actually a lot of humor comes from actually having a lot of empathy because the only way to deal with the

pain is to make fun of it but if you not if you don't have pain to begin with there's no reason to be funny do you know i mean it's fun to begin with, there's no reason to be funny. Do you know what I mean? It's funny when people have no empathy to laugh at how cold and callous they can be. But I think to be funny, you have to actually have a deep sense of sensitivity. Because you're dealing with such crazy feelings, you have to figure out what to do with them.

Yeah, and there's a there's a difference between someone just being like a blatant asshole yeah you know you know has anyone you know someone will tell a story and you're like oh you were just a real piece of shit and that's there's no like oh yeah they don't even know i was a piece of shit this is why this story's funny but also i did wrong right as opposed to and i'll do do it again. Are you talking to people in the elevator a lot here? How are you? Are you talking to these doctors? A lot of elevator bitches.

Let me ask you, do you actually talk to people in the elevator here? What are the conversations like? Are you pretty chatty? I've met people in the gym. Okay. Elevator's hard to meet. Yesterday, I had a funny interaction where someone was moving their cat, and I was like, yeah, I-

They were moving? What do you mean? I don't know. They had a bunch of cat stuff in their hands. And they're like, we're moving our cat. And I was with Brenna. Getting rid of your cat? I don't know.

Maybe on to the afterlife. I think the cat jumped off the balcony. And so I was like, oh, I have a cat. And then the doors closed. Elevators, it's tough to have a real cat. Yeah. And then Brenna goes, I was so all, elevators, it's tough to have a real company. Yeah. Cause what, and then Brenna goes,

I was so all, like why would you. We have a cat and then it's done. That is done and I was like, well I wasn't gonna hold the door

to tell them more about our tabby. See I am in Brenna's side of like, I'd rather not engage because what are we gonna accomplish with this? Oh nothing.

It's the same way I feel about, sometimes I will text people when I, when something needs to get done, when there's the same way I feel about, sometimes I will text people when something needs to get done, when there's a question I have for Noah or you, and I won't say hi first. And maybe it's been a couple days since I've talked to you. Maybe it's been weeks or months. If you're a friend, I'm doing a show, I'm like,

hey, can I switch spots with you? I won't say, good morning. Hi, how are you? I respect that. I just get to the chase, and some people sometimes correct me and go well good morning to you too nicky i guess i'm doing fine how are you yeah well hello there and i'm just like why do we need to do hi i'm sending a text message this is already so impersonal why even try to be and honestly i don't care how you are because you know why because i

know no matter how you are you're going to say okay so what is the point of asking you know like if we were actually good friends and I knew something was going on in your life I would ask you how are you but these like it's again this autistic thing of like this neurodivergence of I just don't see the point of these pointless things that just take up my life take take up my voice. Yes. That I find that when I went on vocal rest and was like really having to look at what's important to communicate and what isn't, it made me so much more aware of all these things where there's so many pointless things

you use your energy to communicate. I guess the argument would be saying, how are you, even if it's just an okay, is so quick and easy that why not do it? I think that's the argument they will have. Because the person has to go, I'm good. How are you? And then you have to write, I'm good.

And it's like, that's why. Because it takes extra time to type with your fingers. It's just, it's not efficient. And I think efficiency is an important thing to have so that you can free up your space for actually asking people that matter to you who actually care about you as well. How are you? Like when I don't ask someone, how are you? That where I'm like, I'm going to be late to the show. I feel like if I'm going to be able to ask it to someone else, if it's a favor I'm asking or I'm asking you to be on my show or something like.

Yeah, I pepper in things if i need someone from people and i in that you know i understand like yeah if if it's going to be like a letter i'm writing where yeah you you read the room you could pepper yeah if it's a good friend you don't need to pepper exactly that's what i'm saying like i don't but why not a good it's funny that you don't have to pepper well not a good friend but someone that i'm casual enough with that i go we're not gonna be friends we both know you give me spots on the show i do spots on your show we have a simpatico relationship i don't need to like but and even even buttering people up and writing like how are you and like it it feels icky to me and i wish i could eliminate it but i know that that is important to have in business.

Yeah, it's like a computer learning how to speak. Yeah. I have the same thing, though. I did the same thing where it's like, I'll write someone that I haven't talked to in 15 years. Sure. We're still talking yesterday. Yes. And usually you get a response like, yeah, cool.

Oh, you're going to be in this town? Okay, maybe we'll meet like i i treat i forget time a lot of i feel like we're like similar in that way people get offended by that of like oh well good to hear from you it's like oh well why don't i have a life and you have a family 1998 i hate when they do that like and okay you're now. I can't, we said it on the podcast before, but if you want your friends who you haven't talked to in a while to reach out to you and hang out with you,

if you give them shit about not hearing from them. Oh, you'll never hear from them again. You will never hear from them because the reason people like me do not reach out to people that we haven't talked to in a while is because we don't want to hear, well, you don't call that often.

You're, you. You didn't call me exactly well then i hate that excuse too of like because sometimes like in my own relationship i'll be like but i want this thing and they're like but then like we'll just tell if you want it then you do the thing and even i'll say that to chris will be like hey i would like to go on a vacation with you and i'm like plan it i literally go on any vacation you want like i'll go i'll if you say where to go and what when you'd want to go i'll do it and he's like but you plan girls trips and i'm like because i'm the man in those relationships i am i'm the man of our girls groups and he was like i didn't even think of it as like a masculine thing to plan a trip and i'm like i can't i can't describe i don't get why what no can you parse that for me of like why i want chris to plan trips and not that i want him to it's just like

i i'm the ringleader for the girls group but not for yes i trips for us i think when we start doing masculine feminine people kind of assign it as like gender roles so maybe like when i start when i describe these things i've started to like stop using masculine feminine just do like leader and receiver and you just want chris to lead you want to show him that like hey i trust you with the plan and i respect you as my leader but i'm the one who's going to be the the nurturer and i'll and i'll nurture you and and i need my feelings to be cherished and honored and stuff yeah maybe i think once he understands that you're open to going on a trip like then i think what's tough is when you try to i I guess, lead, and then you get responded with, well, I'm not free that weekend, or I don't want to go there.

Like, you know, the rejection is kind of like, but if you're opening the door and you're like, here's the weekend I'm open, then I'm sure he'll lead after that. I guess it's just confusing because there are a lot of times I will lead things, and so I'm sending mixed signals. But he is good at um when i'm asking for something like following it like yesterday we were organizing my apartment

and one of my things has been like i need more touch like it's just not it's like my love language i need it more and man he was like it was so fun like just getting your ass slapped while you're like bent over organizing a thing or like getting just like grabbed that like i love getting sexually harassed by my boyfriend when i'm doing when we're doing a thing that's very like we're not in that romantic state like we're working on something and we're just not in that headspace to have a little reminder that he like is thinking about my tits is very nice. Even though I jumped every single time, he was like, I should start filming when I do

this because every time you scream. Well, you think it's a ghost. I think it's a doctor. It's like a doctor ghost. Yeah, I try to... It's funny. It's like when you don't slap an ass like her ass while we're in the kitchen

and you know she's just grabbing something out of the fridge and it's like oh no no you're not slapping my ass today are you mad

it's like no I just I'm treating you like a human being how dare you yes it's really I mean relationships are so tricky

because you I love that one tweet the other day that I posted which was like I'm I'm so annoyed with my boyfriend now because he does this thing relationships are so tricky because you i loved that one tweet the other day that i posted which was like i'm i'm so annoyed with my boyfriend now because he does this thing where he doesn't read my mind yeah yeah and it's like it is that it's always like but i and so as long as i just communicate things seem to happen and i'm not someone who um a lot of people are like no i want

you to want to touch me i don't want you to touch me just because I asked you to. I don't mind if someone just does something when I ask them to do it. That actually feels loving to me if they are doing something just because it makes me happy. And they don't actually want to do it. Because guess what? The intention to make me happy is there. Right. Yes.

And he doesn't not like to touch my body. I know that he does. It's not like he's like, oh, God. I mean, he won't rub my feet, and that is a thing that we haven't gotten past. Because he doesn't really want to. He doesn't want to. He wants to cut them off like that guy cut that girl's arm. He will if I beg him, but it's not his first go-to. What about if you throw a couple socks on?

Ew, that tat-tat-tat-tat. Okay, what about someone else's skin? Rubbing them together is disgusting, Andrew. Throw condoms on there. No, we have the Theragun, and sometimes he'll just hold it. Like he's shooting my feet off. Point blank. And I just push my foot into it.

I'm like, ah! Yeah, it is interesting when you ask for something and then like i have trouble with that sometimes of being like well now if i give it to you and then you go well now you're just giving it to me because i asked for it yeah and that's like well that's that's the deal yeah yeah yeah yeah that's what i'm saying is like i don't get sometimes i think that people do feel that way like, oh, I don't want to do it now because she's going to think I'm just doing it because she asked for it. No, no, it's still nice.

No, I want that. I realize it does not bother me when Chris does things that I know are against what he really wants to do because it makes me feel great that he's trying. Or you're just not aware. Like, yeah, and yeah, you want to try for your partner. Like I don't want to fold clothes. I don't want to do, like, these are a lot of things, but I know make her happy.

Right. Like, it's not for my happiness. Like, I could live in, you know, fucking. We know. A hellhole. Yeah. But I do these things. I don't, there's something really nice about, like, I do feel bad though if someone's doing something they genuinely don't want to do for me just to make me happy.

Like sometimes I feel guilty because I'm like, oh wait, that's not who they are really. That's why I don't like birthday parties because I'm like, people have to go to this thing and they don't want to. They just want to stay home and watch Manta Teo Doc and here's the thing the party's not about you it's about they just want to get a night out and I know but some I know so many people that are like we gotta go to this party like and so sometimes they are doing it just for you yeah and you know what you just gotta accept it and be like well that is there I don't know why I can accept my boyfriend doing things he doesn't want to do because I want them, but I can't accept my friends or other people. You've got to just trust people that they're going to do what they are doing

and stop trying to control. Because I know my mom feels obligated sometimes to do things, and sometimes I try to control it. I'm like, you don't have to do that because I know she doesn't want to. And it's not my issue. She needs to figure her shit out and have boundaries, better boundaries of, I don't want to. And it's like, it's not my issue. She needs to figure her shit out and have boundaries, better boundaries of like, I don't want to do this. That's not my problem if she can't do that.

I've let her off the hook. She knows she doesn't have to. She's still doing it. Yeah, there's something about allowing the person, like they'll take accountability of their own shit. Let them figure it out on their own. Yeah. It's so interesting when you kind of let,

there are so many times I want to like confront something in my relationships, friendships, my romantic relationship, parent stuff. And like you prepare to like say something and get it all out. And you're like, what if I just wait? You know, like just wait. And like also maybe try to like love them more and see what happens

like maybe something i'm doing is making them act this way so like what if i if i notice i'm noticing an issue here instead of being like you need to change maybe let me first try to like tweak what i'm doing and break the cycle because it's usually this parabola of like you're acting this way then they respond this way well you don usually this parabola of like you're acting this way then they respond this way well you don't like how that responds so you start acting this way which then triggers them to respond this way and it just is this loop and my therapist said it takes

one person to break the loop like the loop will not the cycle will not stop unless one person goes I'm going to go against everything I want to do right now every part of me wants to fucking ignore this person or like be mad at this person and I'm going to go against everything I want to do right now. Every part of me wants to fucking ignore this person or be mad at this person. And I'm going to actually just break it by loving them despite all the things because that might break it. Because otherwise, it's going to be this thing over and over and over.

And it doesn't take two. It takes one person to break it. But you've got to be strong and you've got to go against everything you want to in that moment. But then you sometimes get what you want because – not get you want but yeah the cycle gets broken i i find they stopped doing that thing because the reason they were doing it was because you were being unloving in the way that so you got to stop it but you were being unloving because you felt unloved from them but they were doing that because they felt in love from you so the way to break that is to just fake it like let me just fake like i love this person and don't resent them and see what I get.

I mean, I find that a lot with my own relationship where I like, we were doing a thing where I feel like I respond negatively to a certain way of how I'm spoken to. Yeah. So it's like, so I could control that, but it's like, but then I don't want to give in to the initial. I always feel like I'm responding negatively to a negative action. Like they started is what you're saying. They started it, and then I'm reacting. In my mind, I'm always like, well, I'm right to react this way because I'm not starting it.

Yes. It's like, why do they have- Well, then why are they talking to you like that in the first place? Clearly, there's something that you did that made them talk to you that way. Yes, potentially, yeah. Well, always. I mean, they're responding to something. So then tell me that in a different way.

Well, they can't. Yeah. You're the one that notices what's going on. It's up to you to break the cycle. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or communicate. It's hard. It's hard because it's like the person doesn't think they're wrong if they're responding no one thinks they're wrong in the heat of the moment ever and that's why things should not be uh brought up things should not what did you say it's that five rule that you were talking about yes the first segment well things you should never approach something i i don't my friend the other day was like wait till it bugs you so much that you have to explode and i was like or that's the worst advice i have ever heard in my life because it's never a good time to approach something and like blow something up

when it's like i just can't take it anymore someone was anya was saying that she read a book about a band leader that was like i know i need to get out of this band i want to go off on my own i can't fucking do this anymore and the band leader was just like waited until the band was so bad that they had to like like they were just like i just had enough and i'm like i would never want to do it that way because that is anytime i've reacted in my life to something in the heat of the moment it has always led me to go can i not i need to take that back that was a regret yeah i don't want to ever like leave something with the bridge burning like in the like a movie where everything's blowing up behind me and i'm just like smoking a cigarette and i'm just like on to the next thing i i've done that in my

life same and it's just based off of insecurity and just not being happy with what i'm doing and if you burn a bridge you don't have to like ever like deal. The bridge will never be able to tell you what you did wrong. You'll never have to deal with like anything that you may have played a part in. You're just like, fuck it all. I'm burning this and like it's gone. I'm blocking the bridge. I'm muting the bridge.

Yeah, it pretty much is that. I've never even seen that fire. What fire? There's no reason to leave someone completely. I mean, in like, you know, in a relationship, unless you're kind of, and like block them,

unless you're kind of scared of what they're going to say to you. Yeah, of course. You know? Yeah, there's a lot of fear. Unless you're like being abused

in a relationship, then yeah, there's ways to get out of that. Then you get back together and you figure it out. You just figure it out. There's not many fish in the sea and if one punches you,

just, you know, realize that it's overfished right now and there's not a lot out there. No, please, get help. There's always people out there that will help you. There's helplines all the time to call for that kind of thing. We've got to go to break. We'll come back with more things that will get us canceled right after this.

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Is that what it's called? I hate this. Andrew's succinct short story circle segment. Segment. Oh, yeah. There's an extra that kid that kid it does sound like a a kid version uh but speaking a little fiddle at the top well i was thinking about football lately because of the man time and uh i've told you this story before but i've never told it on here i don't think when i was a senior in high school it was funny because i was talking about yesterday how like everyone's like if you had the heart of andrew but i think that was like when i was a freshman or sophomore when i was really small

and for some reason around junior senior year i stopped having a lot of heart and i became kind of lazy in a way and And it was so apparent. Was that around your parents' divorce? No, it was actually after, which I don't know. I don't know what it was. I think maybe I was starting. Adderall, did you stop? You sold it all? My drug kingpin days were over.

I'm just wondering what made you go lazy. I think. Because you never looked back. You burned down. I think what happened You know what In football Specifically

I think I started To get afraid A little Like I used to have When you're younger You just I would tackle I wouldn't even think

About breaking my neck Or I wouldn't think About getting hit Hard But then you get hit Hard so many times You could get back up But it also

You've been hit enough Where you're like This actually Can really fuck you've been hit enough where you're like this actually can really fuck you up football is very interesting i asked chris last night like because i got into it a little bit of like who won the heisman that year johnny manziel or whatever johnny manziel oh well you know his story now and then i he goes he you know he i was like did he go to the nfl and he's i think he was like yes but it didn't last long at all. And I'm like, why not? Why don't the best college athletes do most of Heisman Trophy winners go on to play pro? And he's like, not really.

And I'm like, why? And he's like, well, college is different. You're just like a good athlete. To be a pro athlete, you have to be obsessed. It has to be like a new level of obsession that college athletes don't necessarily have. They're just like best athletically. Well, and a lot of these guys in college, they get treated like gods. And so you stop, your work ethic dies because you're the man.

Manti Teo, though, he was like football, like he was obsessed. And his dad just really ingrained that in him. Whereas your dad was. He was at work, saving lives like an asshole. Yes. So anyway, senior year, I started at wide receiver, which is the guy that catches the ball. And my coach sat me down in the film room, and I thought I was in trouble.

And he plays this play, and he goes, look, you see how you're quitting here and being so lazy? The guy that's guarding you is seeing how you're quitting here and being so lazy the guy that's guarding you is seeing how you're being so lazy that he's going to guard someone else leaving you wide open why were you lazy what were you supposed to do so there was a play okay so if a quarterback does a bootleg he rolls out the other way so i'm on the opposite side of the field and my play is to run a post pattern which is about 60 yards i'm running to never get the ball because he always threw it to this this guy coming out of the backfield

because it was an easy 20 yard pass you know the percentage was like 90 that this would happen him throwing to me was maybe like three percent because of your laziness because it was just not his go-to read but i thought you're the guy that they throw the ball to well then i'll get there so so i stopped running the post because i'm never getting the ball you realize that the percentage of this yeah there's no point what am i doing yeah you're setting myself up for rejection yeah yeah your efficiency so yeah i'm like i'll save myself for the next play so i keep quitting and he realizes like oh so if you're not running all the way the guy's going to guard someone else but then i'm wide open because of my laziness so people are starting to realize you're lazy my coach is seeing this i guess i'm doing it enough where you wouldn't think it'd be so noticeable.

But will other teams like know that about you guys? No, no, I don't. That'd be very hard to pick up if you were just watching like one game film and we run that play maybe once or twice. Right. But if we ran it 20 times in practice, you start to see a pattern of people on your team. And my coach, Coach Rock rock no related to chris and he uh he he saw that i was so lazy that that he's like i could build something around you being pathetic

essentially and so he's like can you be this lazy oh my god if i call on you and i was like i've been not working for this my whole life you know like he's like all right i'm putting in a play he called it the lazy colin which is the laziest name for a football oh my god so we go back to practice like two days later whatever and he's like all right put, put in Lazy Colin. And everyone's like, we have a lot of plays like Z74 or X90, whatever. And then Lazy Colin. It's just such an absurd name.

And everyone's like, what is it? Do you have to teach plays? Isn't that what they have the X's and O's on the board for? Yeah. So did everyone learn this? Yeah. Or were they just calling it out? They're like,

so we're doing the bootleg, but instead, Andrew's going to run. He's going to fake like he's quitting. Not fake too. I'm a method actor at this point. And then he's going to just stumble back and you're going to throw it

all the way across the field, like 40 yards. And he's going to be wide open. So people are going going to notice the other team's going to notice he's lazy think that he they don't need to yeah guard him and then he's going to be open and so we run in practice and i catch it in practice and they're like okay maybe how does it work in practice if the people know you're going to be lazy that are because the defense doesn't know oh they don't know so your other teammates that are your defense defense, they don't tell them to play? No.

But you're a team. That is true. But doesn't the defense ever play for the offense? Do people ever? So don't they need to know the Lazy Colin too? Lazy Colin got around. Maybe we were able to run it once in practice. No, I get it.

Logically checking this out. I don't understand football. It makes sense. Especially a play like that that so there's, you know, so much rides on just one. And deceiving people. Like making people.

That's all what plays are though is like tricking the team into thinking that you're going to do something and then doing something else. Is that what most plays are about? Most plays are about that. Like psychological.

Warfare. Yeah. Yeah. Just like we're going to go this way and then we're going to reverse. But then if you watch the guard pulling, you're going to know that the play's actually going this way. Is the best kind of football player one that can bluff really well about what they would do and switch it up so much that no one can really predict what's going to happen?

The best route runners, best wide receivers, you watch them it's it's trickery like there's this guy hunter renfro who by all like counts should not be he runs like a four seven four like he's not that fast he's he you would think he's like uh like uh like a caddy at a golf course like you would never think this guy was like and he's unbelievable he just got like a 40 million dollar signing bonus because 40 million something like something crazy but because he can run patterns that trick people he's just uh he's a magician like essentially so the whole season the play is never called because it's pretty and absurd the lazy colin is pretty so i run right and i i go like this i run hard and i just go

did you like tell your parents were you so excited to have like a play named after you i mean this is like huge i'm thinking you back then craving attention weren't you so excited no because it felt kind of passive aggressive it felt kind of like i don't want to be known for being lazy but i'm also leaning into this you know what i mean also like coaches are supposed to inspire kids and motivate them and i love that your coach is telling you to like just huff and puff on the field yeah yeah it's so ridiculous thinking back at it so we're playing this team glades day and it's like a big rival like a huge rival and we're down by like 20 points we have like like nothing's working

nothing and so you know you're desperate and like a desperation calls for you know a desperation play and what's more desperate than the lazy Colin? And so they call it. And I remember my buddy, my best friend Danny, Colin Trelley was the quarterback, and I remember him saying it, and he couldn't even get it out of his mouth. Without laughing?

Pretty much. Well, isn't the word lazy, and then the other teams hear it? Aren't they going to go, the guy's last name is Colin. It's on his thing. No, no, no, they don't hear these things. What do you think's happening?

Aren't they shouting? Like they're shouting things. Are those not plays that they're shouting? They're just hiking it. They're just saying. Why are they shouting? Well, sometimes plays get when they do audibles. So you'll have a play set up.

Don't read an audio book. You read an audio book. An audible is like 48, 48, 53. I know calling an audible means like we're just doing something on the fly. Yeah, something different. So Lazy Colin, everyone whispers it? I mean, how do plays get found? The defense is like 30 yards away.

They don't hear you. So they're in their huddle. We're in our huddle. Has it ever happened in football where you didn't hear the play and you're like, what are we doing? And you have to ask your friends? For sure. And then sometimes you're like, I don't remember that one because i was not paying attention during the chalkboard times and then you just kind of you've you kind of figure it out

yeah i mean that happens all the time so many especially in the nfl their playbooks are like crazy oh so many people get cut because you can't plays okay i'm learning i honestly have never even thought about that. So we're down 20. Okay. And they call to Lazy Colin. I'm like, fuck, I got to be late. You know, this is my moment.

And I fucking run and I lazy it up. And just like he wrote, the cornerback that's supposed to guard me just starts flowing the other way. And I just, I kind of just, you know like like kool-aid man walking backwards just like no no one sees me over here you know like i'm trying to be real quiet you know just be water and my buddy danny throws it all and i remember it just like being in the air it felt like you know the ball was being lazy up there it took took so long. Yeah. It's so weird. Those moments just slow down so much. And I was just like, oh, my God. This is like my moment. Because I only had like 11 catches the whole year.

And I fucking catch it. I'm like, holy shit. And the joke, when I would do it on stage, then I dropped the ball because I was too lazy because it was heavy. Yeah. But I get tackled like right away like slammed hard and it actually hurt my shoulder but like i was like this is my moment i'm not gonna show like pain and then uh we lose by like 20 like it didn't it wasn't like oh man this isn't like a glory story

i thought it was gonna end fuck the end of you getting a chronic shoulder injury will haunt you the rest of your life like a ghost doctor yeah it doesn't end like that cool other than like i mean i kind of love that kind of ending where it's like and then we won that's my favorite ending final thought i love a good bad and i love an ending that is, is like something that really happens in life. A lot of people, I ask people to send me movies where they don't end up together. And so many people sent me so many movies, I realized they just spoiled the ending.

I was just asking people to send me movies where I already know what's going to happen. I was kind of like, why did I do that? But they gave me good lists. Yeah, Schindler's. Do you know that Jews die in it, Nikki? No, yeah. I didn't see Schindler's List ever.

The movie in the 90s, I would have caught that. I would have broke the tackle. We would have won. I would have realized not to ever be lazy again. I was asking so many questions about football last night. I love answering football questions. My inability to understand why it matters so much and why it's so much different than every other sport

in the sense of how it makes people feel. Just seeing these slow motion shots of people going like, ah! Wait, you mean like in the stands? Like the gridiron. Just like even shots of people going like, Gah! Wait, you mean like in the stands? Like the gridiron. Just like even the football players being like, Gah!

Like the sweat kind of slow motion falls off their face. But how good did that feel just now? That's what it's about. Listen, I... Woo! Let's go! I get it, but why not feel that way about tennis? Why don't we feel that way about golf? People do, but they're not allowed to be loud.

That's the other thing. You're allowed to be ruthless. You go there. It's like the Coliseum. You're allowed to fucking, you know. And I don't understand why even care about college football if there's pro football. Well, because it's more pure.

These kids aren't playing for money. A lot of them are. Well, some of the people aren't. Aren't they playing for tuition well now you can like they all get no now you could actually sign you could actually get paid nil it's called does it make does it make you happy to know that these guys are getting laid when they wouldn't be despite like that that was a thing for me where i was like manty's gonna get so much fucking pussy and notre dame and i was like yes don't stop talking to this bitch

you're getting like actual real life tangible puss. I think he was still getting tangible puss. Of course. Like I think he was fucking a lot. And I think this was like a thing of one of many. And it was an emotional connection, which he probably wasn't having in person with girls. Yes. Yeah. He was probably

just fucking them. But this was all based on texting. It's weird that your side piece has the most heart yes like his like his chick on the side was dying of leukemia and he was giving not giving her dick but all his heart all his fucking well that's what happens when i have ever been in not ever but there's been times where i've been in relationships with men who have girlfriends in my past and i was always this emotional tentpole and that they weren't getting because i would it would just be based on text like it was always

and i think that's when people cheat is when they're not getting fulfilled in some way in their relationship or they're just like sociopaths and they don't care and they're sex addicts or whatever but like generally i think people step out when they're like i'm not being there's nothing i'm not getting this thing and then you get it from somewhere else and then if you're that other woman you gotta get to a point where you're like i gotta pull this away because this this guy will die yeah or fake my own death and then come back and then come back oh my god her can you imagine that second phone call or death like oh my god it's so insane you guys gotta watch the doc um but i think that is there's something about if you've ever been the other person the only way to actually get that person to leave the person

they're with to be with you which is always what you want secretly even though you probably don't want it because the only reason you like them is because you can't have them and when they become available you probably won't be interested speaking from my own truth um yeah the only way for them to ever leave is to pull out the tent pole that you're providing and the tent will fall eventually or they'll they'll have to figure out a way to get that part of their relationship fulfilled uh which is also a thing that can happen and it's happened to me every single time so it's not the best i've never had a guy leave his girlfriend for me i'll just say that i don't if someone there are like times i listen to podcasts where like the person the other girl gets them to leave yeah and i'm just going wow good job bitch like i'm glad that none of the guys that i've entertained that with have ever

given up on the relationship because i i would have felt so guilty that they left that i would have stayed with them despite wanting to although i do think in some circumstances i remember thinking am i really gonna like this guy if he leaves his girlfriend like am i really do i really want to be with this person and i think i would have been so horned up for a guy taking such a risk not knowing because i i remember telling this person i don't know if i'm gonna like you once you're single but i just i think i would i really want to be with you but i don't really i can't predict that i'm gonna want to i would like to date you if you break up with her and um i think i would have been so horned up for someone taking that big of a risk it is that it would have kept me around longer up for someone taking that big of a risk. It is a big risk.

That it would have kept me around longer. Even if I didn't actually like them outside of that. I would have been like, but someone blew up their life for me. Because they love me so much. Oh, that's fucking sexy. They have like two kids that love them. No, I've never done that. There's never been kids in them.

I mean, I got fingered by a guy once that had some kids. I just love envisioning. I was one of many. He left his dying wife for me. That is so sweet. He loves me so much. No one's going to respect this guy ever again. Except me.

Except me. And that's why we have such a strong... I love the story of like, how did you guys meet? Well, his wife was dying. Oh, yeah. And he just couldn't resist. I wouldn't blame someone if like... Well, maybe the wife is dying.

My friend, Hala, has this fear if she's ever... Or if her husband's in a coma and she has to stay with him. Well, that happened. I told you. You wouldn't. That happened to my friend. No one would ever... Why would you ever expect your spouse

to be faithful to you while you're in a coma I think that is an insane thing one that you're not going to get out of yeah you

like that is so I know people are like what are you talking about Nikki I know that this is not the normal thing but I if my

if I got out of a coma and I realized my husband did not even get like a hand job from like a massage on the side during that time i would say you're a loser a loser you're not taking care of your own needs you're like too obsessed with me we was like i've did you at least try to fuck me in the coma i was out of it you You wouldn't have. Wait, Andrew. God, that was another Dan Mintz joke. What's your take? No, because Andrew's about to say something.

He's like, you know what? Oh, no, no, no, no. I think this is the funniest shit. I think it's just so funny for a guy to be never more attracted to his wife than when she's in a coma. He's like, I never. He's like, when did it really start to work out for you guys again? Oh, when she was. Well, I'm a little bit scared about me being

quiet for three weeks and having chris be like this is the best oh no i think what if he asked you to marry you like like two and a half weeks and he's like this is the woman i've always dreamed i mean and i think that i might also have some realizations being quiet of like observing more and being like i i'm such a little like it's gonna make me so feminine energy to be quiet i mean this is my joke in my special of like men want women who don't talk it's very sexy to them to be like to just be like i can't even i can't honestly we were physically um we were physical the other night and i said i don't know what i'm gonna do can you imagine having sex with someone and they are a hundred i can't you guys i can't make a

grunt i can't do anything that will make my vocal cords vibrate so i can't put the vibrator on my in my throat anymore i can't i can't deep throat the h hatachi wand anymore how am i gonna go but i really am like i don't i was like are you ready to be with someone that is going to be a charlie chaplin movie quiet you're gonna be trying what do you use that robot machine don't you have like like a robot that's gonna speak for you just? Just put a bunch of M's. Oh my God. Oh my God. I guess you got to figure out the position where you're the least quiet.

Thank you, daddy. Oh yeah. Like you're fucking. Thank you, daddy. Stephen Hawking. Yeah. Stephanie Hawking is what we're calling me already. Because when I was on vocal rest, I was using it a little bit.

Because you're brilliant. Yeah. Oh yeah. Well, I understand quantum physics now because I read a third of the book um all right we have more show ahead of us tomorrow be there for it uh chris convy is going to be back in studio with us thank you so much for listening to the podcast don't be cut and jack your vocal Okay. Sure, we'll take it. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears

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