The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #265 Jimmy Kimmel Live! Post Show Review w/ Carlisle Forrester

Episode Date: August 30, 2022

This episode was taped the morning after Nikki hosted Jimmy Kimmel Live! She and Andrew are joined by Bestie comedian Carlisle Forrester who joined Nikki on set. They get a little country before Nikki shares details from the show...like not putting on panties to keep from getting underwear lines. She lets Besties in on the behind the scenes of her show opening, the political roast segment, working with kids and interviews with Danny DeVito and Jameela Jamil. Nikki, Andrew and Carlisle talk about not being able to listen to their comedy sets, making unhealthy comparisons and Instagram vs. reality posts. In the Top 1 Bottom 1 segment they all share some funny stories about traveling on a plane and discover why Andrew and Producer Noa can never sit together. -------------- Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Get Pod Merch: Podshop.NikkiGlaser.com Nikki's Tour Dates: www.nikkiglaser.com/tour Andrew's Tour Dates: www.andrewcollincomedy.com ------------- More Nikki: IG More Andrew: IG  More producer Noa: IG  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, friend of mine, comedian, just a wonderful person across the board, country music enthusiast, Carlisle Forrester. Hello. Hi, Carlisle. All this morning, since we've been gearing up for the show, Andrew and Carlisle have been singing country music. Carlisle would start a song and Andrew would finish it, or Andrew would start it and Carlisle would finish it to prove that they know every country song.

Basically, any song that you start, I'm going to say from the years 1989 to 1997, that's what they call prime country, as Andrew and I know. Yeah, prime. That wasn't just prime country for you. That wasn't just a formative time for you. You're talking about those were the prime years. Is the country got bad after that? Yeah. I think that's when't just prime country for you. Like, that wasn't just a formative time for you. You're talking about like those were like, is the prime years.

Country got bad after that? Yeah. I think that's when I got into country was 97 where it was like, oh, the Dixie Chicks are on the scene. Yes. This is making it pal. So that made it bad? The Chicks.

No, no, no, no. I would lump the Dixie Chicks in with that time frame. Were they after 97? Maybe they were. Okay. Well, I mean, they came out before then, but I think that they were really getting big in the late 90s. Yeah.

But I love that time period. I mean, when the Dixie Chicks came about, were you guys like, because they seem different to me in terms, instead of all these other songs. You're singing about like, the rain, it falls, and I'm sad in the mall. It's like.

Oh, you know that one? That's a good one. That's Clint Black right there. Yeah, that's a good song right there. Wait, sing the Clint Black song you were singing okay i i second time around you first time you guys sang it i was like this is a dud but now i'm like i'm i'm i'm interested I think it could be our single. Yeah. Okay, wait.

I got oceanfront property in Arizona. Noah, that's your song. See, do you get why that's funny, Nikki? Because there is no oceanfront property in Arizona. That's not funny. It's a comedic song. Not yet. So what's the point of the song then?

So what he's saying is, he says... No. He goes, and if you'll buy that... Nine million dead Californians. I got 19 million dead babies in an ocean near Arizona.

They're floating around and they're dead. dead babies in an ocean near Arizona. They're floating around. Farmers all had to destroy their crops. They're moving back. No, he's trying to tell the girl that he's over her. And then he's saying, if you'll buy that, I've got some oceanfront property. He's a good realtor. He's like not really over her.

At the end end he goes if you'll buy that I'll throw the golden gate in free that's stupid I know but he's just saying

like he's lying I'm sure the whole song is a big lie about yeah I get I mean I get it that like

he's making a point of like if I'm not over you I think he goes like I don't worship the ground you walk on. And I don't think about you every day. Oh, right.

So they're just building up to lies. And then I've got oceanfront property. Yes. And then you know, he's not over her at all. He's obsessed with you. Yes. And he has seen an inconvenient truth recently.

And he just wanted to put some messaging in there. Maybe that's what my dad's climate change song is really about. I feel like with country writers, with country writers,

they come up with something clever, you know, something clever like that and people are like, stop the fucking tape. Are you serious? That's what I'm saying.

When you guys heard Ocean Broad Property in Arizona, you probably fucking shit your overalls. We did. Shit your overallss how did they do it i was like i have so many overalls second i know what he did i mean i felt that way too when i would hear like kind of like clever things and songs and chicken i mean you blew you blew your load blew my mind yeah you're fucking fubu trying to think of like like uh song lyrics that i know that i was like oh that's so like um i could hide out under there

i just made you say underwear yes that was clever and i really liked it because like you think of the that you'd have to fill in the blank that That, I contend, is actually clever. And the Arizona thing isn't bad. I kind of like it. I think that's a sweet song. Do you know that it takes... She don't know she's beautiful. Never crossed her mind. Never crossed her mind.

I like that song. She don't know she's beautiful. No, she's not that kind. Nikki has the new verse to that. Wait, I forget what I said. She's got low self-esteem. And that's why I'll always be with her. Don't tell her how beautiful she is, because she'll leave me for a better man.

Like, it's all just like, yeah. I mean, there's a lot of versions of that song. And if you buy that, I'll throw the Golden Gate in free. They all go together. I want her to be on the brink of jumping off the Golden Gate in three. They all go together. I want her to be on the brink of jumping off the Golden Gate, but not enough to actually do it. If she jumps just not on top of the bridge, just when she just gets 20 feet in,

so she doesn't die, but she still needs me. With her hair blowing in the wind, contemplating death, knowing she can't do better than me. Keep her in that state of constant. I don't actually want her to do it. Just want to pull my pickup close enough to it. Catch her in the bed of my truck. Intercept her death and then we go fuck.

It was an amazing day. And thank God for love. That's all I had to say. I pictured this whole time he has a shotgun to her head. They have so many guns. It's like, how are you going to leave a guy with 10 guns? It's hard. Look, you think twice about it i mean we're talking about some some tougher issues here i mean i think that is

the reason why so many women are like i don't think i can go do you know that he's ready for the civil war and people are like why she's like much less me gun case staying at sharon's house for the night i think he'll be able to fucking find me it's funny too because he only lets her use the musket like it's like you're you're not touching the good guns jesus christ yeah there are so many women out there that have an inkling that if i left him he might kill me like there's they might not say it out loud but they like they but there is something in the back. I mean, I thought people would kill me before.

Like, I've had, like, things where I'm like, this guy is acting a little weird. Like, am I going to get murdered tonight at this thing I know he's going to be at? Or I know that he knows I'm that. You last night murdered, but now you have to worry about murder. Oh, yeah. I mean, yeah, kind of. I was thinking about that. I was like, what a good have to worry about murder. Oh, yeah.

I mean, yeah, kind of. I was thinking about that. I was like, what a good way to go if I get assassinated. Listen, did you turn off your exact location off of Instagram? Because that's a thing people are talking about right now. Why would anyone put their exact location on? Everybody's sharing this meme right now that says that with the new iPhone update, with the Instagram app only, if you update both,

your exact location is shared so you have to physically go into settings but I haven't been able to find the settings to turn it off. Everybody's sharing this meme that's like go into your settings and turn off Shalee Arr's exact location. Yeah, this is what a creep does.

He's like go into your settings and then come to my house and wear something skimpy and it's like wait what i didn't read it this is all in general so you go to general and then you go back to text and then you type in 818-267-4359 and then you put in your address uh are you sure that's within the okay yeah it's all in there that's all and then you sent a picture of your nipple to that number two? It's in Latin. With just a security card underneath it?

Okay. It's in braille around my nipple. You fucking demolished last night. Oh, thank you. I know you probably heard a lot of positive things, but you really did. You own that fucking thing. Thank you.

Well, it was so nice to have Carlislele there it was so nice to have the support of everyone that um like you guys and all my friends like just everyone that was texting and saying nice things and then the staff there is just like so nice and like i just was not nervous at all and i gotta say i kind of didn't care so comfortable i was just kind of like it doesn't matter this doesn't matter even if it goes well if it doesn't go well like it doesn't like no one remembers anything that happened a week ago like you were the man titanic we're all talking about it this week none of us will even remember a single detail of it in a month like it just things go so fast like this is like a good moment for me but like in a week you it'll be like what's what is she doing next like it's like

it was uh so it's not that i'm not like under playing it and it doesn't matter it does matter but i just had to go in with that attitude of like it like there were so many flashes of like wait why did you do that oh god like cringy moments where you're just like i was reliving them they were like flashbacks you know and usually when your pussy fell out yeah you didn't see that minute four it's in the terms and conditions it wasn't not going to fall out i wasn't wearing underwear and so it was a slippery situation down there it was there it was hot it was i was scared that I was going to like puss sweat through the dress as I was sitting.

So I was clamping my legs so tight so that it would like keep it from like maybe just like saturating down because I was like just hot from the adrenaline. I feel like the hardest part. And everybody's going to have a little bit of that like how do you how do people that don't wear underwear do that and stand up and not have a small little spot oh i remember when i was doing f boy island and i was wearing a mini skirt and there was like a wooden

i was sitting on a wooden like seat like a log almost to do um yeah i was sitting on one of their wooden hard bodies and i wish and i was i remember it was that like that i forget which one it was like the yoga instructor or something i was sitting on the thing and it was so fucking hot and i got up and there was like a wet spot but it was sweat. But it looked like I was just like sogging up this fucking branch, this old log, sogging up the log. And all the guys saw it

and they were like laughing. I was like, I really feel like a preschool teacher that like they're being like, she peed. And I was like, it's sweat you guys, not horny for you at all.

But yeah, I'm always worried about that. Like leaving a puddle and having people i call it i'd rather people think it's just like sweat pussy like disgusting pussy juice as opposed to like she's so horny for danny devito or whatever whenever brenna comes home we call it business puss which i think is a fun way to describe it it's like not nine to five either you're working 20 hours a day with that thing so oh yeah it's that i mean what um pussy i feel like goes back to smelling like pussy within

minutes of a shower yeah sometimes i just do a test and i go did i forget to wash it not that it smells bad but i'm like how does, how does it instantly, like armpits too will instantly go back to armpit smell unless you nuke them. Yeah. What's your test? How do you test it? My vagina? See if the dog dies.

I just stick up a fork in it. I throw it against the refrigerator and see if it sticks. And if you get electrocuted and you die it's bad do you know that pasta test um yeah i just i think i just put it i like i gently put my fingers down there and i just smell my fingers like classic but i don't do it like i will do it very obviously i never want to be caught doing anything like so if i'm around chris or something i will do it chris doesn't like that kind of stuff like i just don't want chris to like see me being gross like if i'm getting ready for a trip and i'm picking up underwear being like is this good i don't want him to see me like being like oh you

know so i try to hide it but if someone catches me i'd i'd rather be like obvious about smelling my vagina just to be like but sometimes i mean it just smells like a vagina it's not like it's like oh but i mean there are some days where it's, you know, I check my flow app to be like, remember this day. Remember this date. It will go down in infamy. D-Day and V-Day. BVD Day.

That was one of my favorite parts of the, not you smelling your pussy on late night, but when you asked a girl, what's your favorite date? And she said, June. Oh, my God. That was one of my favorite parts of the, not you smelling your pussy on late night, but when you asked a girl, what's your favorite date? And she said, June. Oh my God, that was so cute. Which was one of the funniest jokes. It was so funny, dude.

It was so funny. We didn't really, I think one of the jokes you saw on there with the kids was one we gave them, but the rest, which is so impressive with dealing with kids. I mean, most of the time impressive with dealing with kids i mean most of the time you see things with kids i know when someone's fed a line i can tell and so if i know it then it's probably happening even more because kids do do a really you have what the

trick is that you just have them say it like repeat after you you go okay repeat after me my name is megan and they'll go like my name is megan so then they just mimic exactly the way you're saying it and so the so you can get them to sound like they're unsure of it so there's ways to trick but we didn't have to do that like that kid at the end who i just go i think we're done here and he just goes yay and runs off so good i would have thought that was fake if i saw that i would have been like that is so fake and what a dumb ending that would really happen and it was shocking. And yeah, it really made me feel bad.

There was a touching moment where I asked a bunch of the, that took like four hours to shoot. I was sitting there for four hours. There was one part where the kid, I was asking them if I'd be a good mom. And one of the kids was like, yeah. And I was just like, really? Like it got too like emotional. I was like, wait, why do you think like it got to like a motor i was like wait why do you think so he's like three he's like i don't know you're you're because you're

nice and caring and i was just like can we cut like it was and you're like will i ever be married he's like no you're gonna get knocked up and the guy won't ever talk to you yeah oh my god there were so many i mean that sketch had to be edited so fast. I mean, it went through like so many edits like in the last minute. So there was a lot that was left on the – like it made me really excited to like maybe do a show where I could be in the edit room and like we could really tinker with it for like a really long time because there were so many funny moments.

Talking to kids is so fun and they were so cute. I mean, what a balance though. You going from the roast jokes to that, it just showed range and showed your heart and shows that jokes are jokes, and then, you know what I mean? I don't know. It was just, I don't know. It was really refreshing. Thank you.

I'm glad you say that. That was exactly my intention, was like, I was like, I want to do something with kids because I want to soften my image, because I want to soften my image. And I want to show people that I'm not like X-rated and you don't need to like keep me from them. And I can be like good with them. And like, and to show all my potential suitors, like maybe I would make a good nanny. You wear like a skimpier outfit with the kids and you're like, so what's it like to eat ass kids? It was funny.

Like I was wearing. Well, I wanted to. like if you just made it one of my goals with the sketch was to go was to like toe the line the entire sketch of being like when is it you know when is it okay to go well like to kiss on a first date yeah should you ever go all the way on a first date like say things that kids don't understand mean sex and not even ever answer one time i asked a kid like what's an f boy what do you think the f stands for because it would just be funny for them to be like frog but one of the moms was like don't ask that and i'm like i'm not gonna tell that what are you yeah what do you think i am um but then i wanted to end i wanted to total on the entire sketch and then i wanted to end with me being like

should you like suck a guy's dick on a you know and swallow his cum at that on the end of a date like on a first date is that too much to swallow his cum or should you spit it out of the fucking um prius and then uh i wanted it to like cut to just like and have people go like she did it she went we knew she would and then it cut to like a guy dressed as a child like a full adult man that would have been really funny yeah yeah i was because i wanted to play with that of like she's too much and then have them go to everyone go we knew it she was gonna cross the line and then be like no i didn't you idiots i love them i love the moment where you didn't kind of cross the line in like the most subtle way when you go uh what about if it's two women

or two and she goes the older one who would pay what about if it's two women or two and she goes the older one who would pay what about if it's two girls which is like a very because well that's personally for right-wing people of being like yes she doesn't need to know that two women can go on a date together why are you trying to infiltrate don't say gay at the fucking grove farmer's market in front of my daughter but that's a good song. Yeah. I know, I was like, did Clint Black come back? Hey man, don't make fun of that tune now. Yeah, no, I didn't think it crossed the line

for someone like me, but in today's society. No, but I was a little bit nervous, but I also had it in my mind the whole time that we were doing this very heteronormative questioning about dating of like who should pay is it okay to who should make the first move like everything was about straight relationships so and i knew that little girl was probably like the thing is about kit now that i'm with my nieces and nephews like they honestly don't know people are black and like think of that as like a different thing they like i remember like trying to like be like well um which where's the black guy like like asked like we were playing like a thing on like i don't know where's walter or something and i'm just like

where's this and i'm like trying to just be like okay that's a person it's not a big deal they're black but like where you know and lauren was like they don't like know what that is and i'm like that's good but like they just don't care and that is. And I'm like, I don't know if that's good, but they just don't care. And especially in California, two women is like, a bunch of their friends, I think, have two mommies. So she didn't blink an eye, but I loved her answer.

That's so good. The older one? And I was like, that's actually a good system. Let's put it into place. All right, we have so much more to talk about. We will discuss all of it when we get back. I'm here in California with Carlisle and Andrew is in Arizona. No, Noah is in Arizona.

On our lakefront property or oceanfront view. Andrew is in St. Louis. Alright, we'll be back with more. Andrew! I got oceanfront property in Hawaii. It's actually pretty right on the nose. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year.

It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the

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A story told in 12 steps. Listen to Crems as part of the Michael Dura Podcast Network, available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. When I smoke weed, I get lost in the music. I like to isolate each instrument, the rhythmic bass, the harmonies on the piano, the sticky melody. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Careful, babe. There's someone crossing the street. Sorry, I didn't see him there.

If you feel different, you drive different. Don't drive high. It's dangerous and illegal everywhere. A message from NHTSA and the Ad Council. All right, we're back. I got a question. I feel like for me, if I was doing something like that, the hardest part, and I think when you have to read their credits

of when you're in, like, she's doing this. She was on The Good Life. Do you have multiple takes with something like that or like you know just like the little things where you have to read from the prompter where it's not funny it's like here's a little bit of seriousness is that tough like because i feel like i'd have trouble with that well it is jimmy kimmel live but it's actually um not live and so with the monologue i stopped and started probably four times because i just messed up like with roast jokes i've learned with doing i just knew that roast thing

could possibly go viral and i did not want to flub a line i didn't i just wanted to be perfect and i knew it would be tough in editing but also the audience kind of likes it when you fuck up and then you go listen this is tv we're all having fun here and it just like kind of cuts the tension of like this is a taping so i taught me that and it is so pro because it takes absolutely nothing away from it you're just like oh i'm gonna take that again because why have this perfect thing where you just you know flub one little thing and then the whole rest of the time you're talking you go i fucked that one thing up and then and then it ruins the rest of your performance because you're still hung up so i just i just stopped and say can we go back and so they um they i could tell they were probably like okay this is a little too much like she's taking

liberties with like doing things over but i just wanted to get it perfect but then they were able to make it um they just need places to cut you, so that it would look seamless. And so they ended up making it like, I think the full screen, they would go to images. And they found a way to edit it that was easier for them. But that's all I feel bad about is like this editor is probably like, Jesus Christ, I want to go home today. Like, this is Thursday. It's our last day. Like, come on, lady. No, I think it would be worse if you flub the line.

And then he was sitting there trying to figure out how to fix that it's like you're so pro yeah just do it for him you're kind of editing that's something that would make this day hell i just know anyone that's going to give me a late night show is not there in that studio watching me flub they're watching it online and so that's more important like it's better it's going to get out i think i'm pretty sure i mean it could that i'm going to tell someone, I think. It's a tight-knit editor. If that got out, it would also...

Word should get out that I'm really fun to work with. Or that I'm really easy to work with. No, I know. I'm fucking with you. All the things behind the scenes. But no, you should tell everyone. How's the interview process? But that part that you're talking about of like,

you know her from Four Seasons on The Good Place. She has She-Hulk, the whole thing. That is honestly, reading a teleprompter is not, for some reason, to some people is not easy, and it's just never been a struggle for me. From Nikki and Sarah Live days when we would go live and have to read a teleprompter, I always have a natural inclination for that. I like the way that some people are just

like natural born athletes I can just read a teleprompter and like navigate it pretty simply and there are moments where I'm sure there's times where I flub up lines because I just like two there was something yesterday that I couldn't get the wording of because it was like two words together that just didn't seem right to me and it's not the way I say them or something um but in those intros no I just got lucky and got them right the first time it didn't even occur to me that they could fuck up i think the second i go this could fuck up then it fucks up um but with the interview feeling like when to come in because it everything has to be tight right that's the hardest part yeah so how do you know i was like, I was like, God damn it. Like the monologue,

I was not worried about at all. That was just like, oh, I do this all the time. It's like doing standup and it was easy peasy. The interview is like the hardest part where I was just like. How does it feel sitting at that desk though?

How does it feel sitting at the desk and looking at them? It didn't sound like an interview. It just sounded like you were chit chatting with them. It was so natural and even like when you threw to the.

Oh, thank you. She's a pro. Yeah even like when you threw to the proud yeah like when you threw to the video you know i'm i know the behind the scenes stuff i just could not believe i would not have expected you guys going to the video of jamila getting kicked in the puss and it just seemed like they just had it ready it was so seamless well they we they did they have everything ready like it's such an interesting like the way i mean the producers for these guests like you don't know i never knew what went into having a guest on a late night talk show you interview they interview them these people like home they give you packets like a thick packet of information about this person about every you know thing they've been

like doxed for you like everything about their life and it's like a biography and then they also have a call with them to like talk about stories that would be good to talk about and then i kind of came in with some ideas like that meme idea for um danny devito for him to recreate memes that was that was so good the smiling after shitting his pants. That was so funny that he smiled. He was like, I like it. Whether it's a fart or a shark, you got to push through or whatever he said.

Oh my God. And he smiled. Oh, so good. Your line to him about the oil, like the callback there. Oh yeah, we're both going to be in prison together. That was so fun. And then What's Her Name was a perfect match for you.

Oh, yeah. We all had their chemistry. Thank God we had done a podcast together before and both had mutual admiration. And she found out I was guest hosting. And so she had reached out to me a couple of days before and was like, I'm so excited. It's you. And was so sweet. And so as soon as Danny DeVito's interview was over, I was completely calm.

Because I was like, okay, the show's over because Jamila, like this is, it was, I already know this person, even though we've never met in person person, but DeVito, I was just nervous about this because he's done this so many times that he could probably smell the fear or like just,

and I felt like bad, like, man, he, this is his 10th time on the show. It's like, now he has to be with a guest host because i gotta say like when you do a late night show and you find out it's a guest

host you're like less eyes are gonna be on this like it's just not this it's not as special it doesn't really count as much to you so i kind of felt like bad that he was on when i was on so um it was it was just nice once that interview was over. And that meme thing really made me feel like, oh, we ended on such a high note. And that was really fun. I found out the things I like to do. His Arnold story was captivating. The whole thing was captivating. Yeah, he is captivating.

There wasn't... I mean, yeah, he... I fucking love that dude. I mean, I love him even more. He's so nice. He gave you really good props, though, about your jokes, about your monologue. And then he's like, fuck those asses. And he just leaned into it.

And you could tell he respected the fuck out of it. I don't know. You could see it. I know. I kind of felt bad about the Marjorie Taylor Greene joke where I said that she looks like if we had a... I know what my daughter would look like if I had a if i i know what i would my daughter was like if i had a baby with mickey rourke because it's just like making fun of someone being uglier than me i guess is the joke like it's like an ugly woman joke but she's such a cunt yeah that like i felt like last night

i was kind of like is that what i want to put out in the world where we like what if a woman's watching that and she like has a like a cross eyes and then she's gonna feel like oh i i'm less like i make people should laugh at me because my eyes are crossed like i felt like man that's and i i did take out like a joke when we said that ted cruz was fat i was like we're not gonna say fat can we just say he's gained a little bit of weight because i don't want it to be like a thing where you're like we eat fat so i tried to lay off on some places but there was a part of me that was like i don't want this woman to be swatted anymore that is awful i don't want to be swatted i um so there's a part of me because when you do those comedy central roasts it's like these people sign up for them and these people didn't

sign up for it but in a way they did because they're terrible people who care about no one except money and themselves so i just the whole like i had to rationalize it that way they go low we go high fuck fuck sometimes you just gotta meet them at now it's it's fun so mean that's just i just like it trump thing it's like i just couldn't even articulate how much i hate him like a rose show couldn't that was such a good it couldn't like at first i think it was like, oh, now I know what stuffed crust pizza looks like

if it could grab your puss. And I was like, stuffed crust pizza is not enough for me. He is a bloated, sunburnt, abused, factory farmed, dead, bloated corpse pig. I was just going sore.

I was like, I hate him so much. The hate him so much joke is so good i was so impressed by y'all just working up until like the last moment like the writers would come in they would rework stuff then they would go retype it all out for her then come out with more stuff highlighted then they go over it again And that process is just like all day. All day. And it's an ever-changing, malleable set. And it's just really impressive how you can retain all of that as it's just this moving, ever-changing organism. And then you deliver it.

And you remember all the beats. That's my favorite part about it is up until the last second. I put on the dress and I was like, is it funny to say that if this goes bad, this goes bad we're gonna green screen jimmy kimmel into this dress and they're like that's great let's just add it in it was like two seconds before and like all these things like kept getting um at like me asking guillermo about his date was like they were like hey he's been on a bad date ask him about a date and that was right before it was like um rose jokes getting cut but that i love that process of like uh yeah of that was the most fun part but that that was all day long like i got there at 9 20 i arrived and i did

not i think i had 30 minutes to myself where no one came in and like briefed me because it's like they come in they talk to you about the monologue then you go and watch you go run through jokes with like the whole staff meeting they all clap when you enter the room and like it's this big room of staff members and then you watch all the clips that they have and then you go back to your green room and then they bring in notes then the guest prep people come in and then they leave and then they come back later to tell you what the guest said and then they come back later to show you the cards and make sure the cards are okay then they come back like it is constant streams of people coming in and the best part about it though is like it is such a fine oil machine like that was my worry was like two days ago i had no idea what i was going to do for any of this like i knew i was shooting that

thing but i had no idea i was going to say that is absurd for me to not know what i'm doing two days before a big deal like it's not but i could do that because i knew i gave myself over the process and there was you know i i i gave myself over to like these people are better at this than i am they know what they're doing if they're not freaking out i don't need to freak out and it was a lesson in not thinking you know better not trying to control things because they they did say to me like we're so glad to have you as our last guest host because it's it's hard for them like i'm sure they did say to me, like, we're so glad to have you as our last guest host, because it's, it's hard for them.

I'm sure they did it like that on purpose. So they could go like cruise control a little bit. I don't know. You were the perfect vehicle for all of their talents to just like shine through. And when I was watching you last night, you know, like,

um, I just want to tell you like at the risk of like losing our work relationship like you are meant for late night tv like you just fit perfectly you know you're you're i need this trying to have a touch of moment don't ever have aspiration i don't do look pretty good with a mustache cut my legs i don't know i i definitely see it in Trying to have a touching moment. Don't ever have aspirations. They look pretty good with a mustache. Cut my legs off. I don't know.

I definitely see it in your future. You just fit that role so well. It was so fun. Thank you so much. I really did. I loved it. I'd love for you to get the job, and then you cut to five years from now

where you've done 1,200 shows, and you show up there at like four 30 in the afternoon. You're like, okay, what are the fucking jokes? Okay. I got to read.

Like, like how less of a process you would be. I sent Chris my schedule to be like, this was, this is what my life would look like if I had this kind of show. Like, it's interesting to see the rundown of like all the meetings stacked and like what your day looks like.

And I'm like, it's a legit nine to five. Like, I don't think i've ever like had that and he was like jimmy does not come in at nine and i was like oh like you get to a place where like you don't have to come in that early this is because they have to explain everything to me but then i get there and i realized i think he does like jimmy kimmel is like he crosses every t dots every i like everything goes through him and you can tell it does like that staff. Everyone has been there forever. Everyone, they have rituals where like when you run out,

they are like best show ever, best show ever. And you have to fist pound everyone and you have to like hit a certain thing on the ceiling. And like, you have to like, there's all these like fun family rituals. There's like,

there's tons of it's everyone there. You can tell is really taken tons of... Everyone there, you can tell, is really taken care of and loves their job. But I would have to work it into a thing. In terms of our guest cards, I looked at what Jimmy has generally when he has a guest, and it looks like some pages

out of Moby Dick. It is fine print. He has all the questions, details, lots and lots of words. And they said he worked up to that where he's able to like conduct an interview, read these like long paragraphs,

also deal with the prompter. And like, but I was like, I just want words, like bullet points, like Arnold Schwarzenegger, cartoon with daughter. Like I just want big.

And so I think if I think I did it, I would probably do it a way where I could show up at three some days and get it done just because that's, would be the best show for me. Whereas Kimmel, his best show is if he is like, he wants, he needs to be there at,

at whenever he shows up. So I think it's just like, you know, not one size fits all, but it does take, um, it takes a lot. Like it would be fun to get good at guest interviews where you would just be like, oh, I'm an old pro at this because how it is so awkward to go from a conversation to

go, all right, well, thank you so much. You're, uh, you can see Carlisle Forrester this fall on, you know, like it's so awkward to go from a story to find an out like all those all those little things that you kind of watch interviews and you go you never pay attention to them you're think about doing it yourself i was not i had some really awkward moments that thankfully they cut around but like that was the joy of doing a show that's not live and literally no one does a show live on tv ever anymore so reason to you don't you don't need to and that's the joy of of taping these things is that you can just take them over and it's not a big deal or if

you fuck up it's just a good lesson and like i just kept saying to myself every time i would fuck up and it would be something that would like kind of stick in my head and kind of follow me i'm just like dump it man like start over like you gotta don't let that then make the rest of this shit like it it's gone it happened leave it and through like i was saying throughout the night i kept just like having intrusive thoughts of like oh that was a really awkward moment why did you say that oh you forgot to say that really funny thing you could have said that and it was just like it's dumb what is the point of this so that next time you're interviewing danny devito as in a green dress you can say that line like these things you are worried that you didn't say it's not this is not helping anything it's just

making yourself feel bad unless i'm worried about things that i go next time i want to do that differently but this is all stuff that's just why did you do that you idiot like that kind of stuff like once you kind of think about the utility of those thoughts of like what is this doing for me you can kind of go nothing oh well then let me drop it because i only kind of want to have thoughts that are helpful and and doing something yeah i think there's a way that you're teaching me that and i need to remember that. Even with comedy, Nikki was the first person that taught me,

just like, it's a set. Who cares? It's a comedy set. You're going to have another one tomorrow night. Let it go. It happens. That's it. Same thing with an audition.

Do it. Let it go. It's not going to help anything to dwell on it. It's going to perpetuate more. It's so hard not to, though. It's the hardest thing to do. I think there's a way to help anything to dwell on it. It's going to perpetuate more. It's so hard not to, though. It's the hardest thing to do, though. Well, I think there's a way to do it, but I think the reason why we are artists

is we're pretty emotional about it. It's hard for us to watch game film and not feel. Like, if you had to watch it over again and break it down. Yeah, dude, I can't hear my own. You're always, like, fast and loose with your words. It's a defense mechanism. If I go on any podcast or any interview, I'm always like, oh, why did I say that?

Do you get like that after being on stage or being on a podcast? I did sometimes. I used to go on podcasts and be like, I got to get my story out. If I get these stories out, people will like me, and they'll like the stories and so i you know i'd go on like tuesday with stories i remember i did a live show with them and i put them on such a high pedestal in my mind and i literally was throwing up outside stand up new york because i thought i was sick but i just made myself sick with anxiety. Oh my God. And it was like, I just went up there

and I told like a 15 minute story, but I didn't even let them have time to like bullshit. Like it wasn't present. I was just spitting it out because I was like, you'll like me if I tell you this story. And I learned a lot though from that. You know, like I learned, you know,

that they'll never have me on again. You know, like I learned that. you know that they'll never have me on again you know like i learned that i learned that they'll never respect me you know that is such a classic thing to do i've done that so many times too but you're right you do learn that because maybe you would have done that on a more important podcast or like you had to learn that lesson that was like not going to be something you figured out without doing it and failing and talking about watching game tape or whatever. Like I was at the comedy store the other day and there's this guy that's following me around to do a piece on me for Esquire magazine. And he was talking to all these comics about their process and listening to your like self after you record it. And I was he was like, I was like, I've never listened to myself ever ever ever i record

every set and i never have and i never and that's why i don't post clips of myself i you know my netflix or my both my netflix special and my hbo special were like delayed because i couldn't you know watch myself and kurt metzger was there being like oh man that's like you know he's friends with louis he's like that's what louis says like is the the only reason he is who he is because he you know he listens to himself right after he gets off stage takes notes and everything and i said to the guy you know yeah that's what separates the greats from the you know good enoughs like it will and he goes then why don't you do it and i go because it's i just i can't i really have resigned myself to like, it is not,

it's so uncomfortable to me that I'd rather, I'm fine with the success that I've achieved from not doing that. And he's like, why do you think it is? Because it's never as bad as you think it's gonna be. The problem is, I think it's gonna be worse than I think it is. But in my head, I'm like, that set was so good. I don't wanna listen to it

because it's going to be not as good as I have it in my head.'m like that set was so good I don't want to listen to it because it's going to be not as good as I have it in my head and then I'll realize what a fraud I am yeah I'm more apt to watch a bad one that I know is bad

than like the good ones yeah that's a good point because that's probably better than what you have because you go either way you either think it was the worst set ever

and you go oh that wasn't so bad or you think it's the best set ever and you go actually it was kind of mediocre right but he was like and I go you know and we kind of determined part of the fear is like if you never if you always leave this thing of like if

i did that i could be the best you always have an excuse why you're not the best but i i'm not even saying that being like i know my potential i'm always leaving potential on like and it's and i don't think it's because i'm scared that if I try, I won't actually be as good. I literally know how good I could be. Like, I don't doubt it. There's no part of me that's like,

but what if I'm not like, I know it. Like, I know that sounds like, I just know what everyone must know this in their own lives of like, I could be this good at this thing. If I went to the gym more, I could have this many muscle. Like I could look, I could be this good at this thing if I went to the gym more.

I could have this many muscle. I could have that body. Oh, if I didn't eat this every day or if I spent this much more time with my kids, I would have a better relationship. There's always things you're leaving on the table and it's like, well, then why don't you do them? If you know that's what's, I don't know. I don't know.

Why don't we do it? I don't, I mean. Because it's not that, because you weigh the things and you go, I don't want it enough. But have you tried to do it? I don't, I mean, I think about, I think about someone like, I don't want it enough. Right. But have you tried to do it? And have you really?

Yes. That's, I think, the difference. I know what, I know it works because when I do a late night, when I did the Kimmel thing,

I'm meticulous with all those jokes, wrote every joke and, you know, tinkered with them, had, you know, even the jokes that you wrote for me

that I had my friend JP write for me. Like I went in and like, I paid it. I wrote them down. I paid attention to them. I practiced them. I went back and like went over my notes and it's, and then the use,

the proof is in the pudding. But then my own standup, I cannot do that with, like, I just don't want to go back to it. It's, it's, or when I've done a late night set,

I have to give a transcript. So I write it all out. And then it's like, that's why I have such great late night standup sets. But do you think you're too connected to your stand, well, your standup's way more personal than like a roast joke, so it's you.

It's who you are. It's just too much work. Too much work. Okay, so it's not, it's not, okay. The joy of doing standup is the moment, and having that like high on stage,

and then leaving it, and just, and also, I'm not someone who like high on stage and then leaving it and just, and also I'm not someone who like is so like live in the present, even though I know that's the key to like a good life. But listening to an old set, a set I just did when I had fun on stage is to me not living in the present. Like I just want to go home and like, I want it to be over.

And honestly there's some things in life and i think we all have this where it's good enough like i know i could do better whether it's a relationship whether it's like friendships whether it's your body like we're leaving so much on the table all the time i have a good life i don't need more money i don't need to perform at madison square garden as a comedian i don't care but like i told this interviewer the other day about um envisioning myself at performing at madison square garden and how you were like, Oh, I thought you'd want to be there as a comedian.

I'm like, ew, no, I don't like the most I want to do is the Vic theater. Like I don't care about doing standup in an amphitheater. That seems really dumb to me. Honestly, it just doesn't seem to have like be as like the best place for standup.

I just, I, it's not that I don't love standup and I will always do it, but I just, I's not that I don't love stand-up and I will always do it, but I just, I don't crave more from stand-up right now. I feel like I've achieved exactly what I want to. There's something about like, I don't know if it's narcissists or what,

like to listen to yourself back and be like, man, I really nailed that. Or like, that was such a good thought I had. I think that's a trick of these comedians that are listening to themselves. One I may have mentioned is that they love they hate themselves clearly but also because yeah it's interesting the self-defeating behavior and the the self-sabotaging

behavior but like narcissism comes actually from a place i think of deep insecurity like you have to go the other way with it so like when you you look at these people like the other day carlisle was talking about someone that is so confident she's like why can't i be as confident as he is he just like exudes this like i mean what were you saying like this he just exudes so much uh charisma and self-confidence i was like he loves himself so much like and i was like no he doesn't i because i was fooled we saw the same person and i go babe that person is is not does not love them like yes they they've accepted themselves but they're not like that's not it that comes from a deep place of insecurity i mean if you look at that person's history like i could point to things that i go

like an insecure a confident person doesn't have this like or the you know so it is interesting though that you do look at these people that are so fucking confident and you go god i think that's is that the missing thing for me is that the missing thing Of like making it? Is just Narcissism And And believing like I'm the hot shit Sociopathy Because

I Yeah, oftentimes it is Feeling like I used to have that And it fades more As you like Get smarter And wiser You know, older

And whatever But like Whenever I was like 18 years old Like I remember people Like my parents Or whatever Like you just think You're like You're always gonna be And it's like Yeah, old, I remember people, like my parents or whatever, like you just think you're always going to be.

I wonder why you lost that with parents that go, you think you're going to be someone? You can't do shit, Carlisle. Good luck making it to the Golden Gate Bridge. Yeah, you think you're good on this basketball machine in the bar at 12? You think you're good on this basketball machine in the bar at 12?

You think you're good at playing? Remember the word conceited? You don't even hear it anymore. Yeah. People used to be like, I'm so conceited. Well, confidence gets rewarded, dude. Even fake confidence. Yeah, and now it's the total opposite.

It's like, build yourself up. Yes. If you come on and you talk about, there's this guy, Andrew Tate, who just got kicked off everything. Yes. Whatever you want to say about freedom of speech, whatever. But he just talks like this. And everything is confident. And I take women by the hair.

And I drag them around because I'm a strong alpha man. And everyone's like, whoa. Dude, this guy talks clear and with authority. And they get fooled. You get fooled. You fool young kids. I don't know. But then you're like, should I talk?

Hitler talked pretty confident. I'm sure he didn't love himself. And he ended up murdering himself in a bunker. These people end up committing suicide. They don't actually. they're not actually happy and i just think because i i feel that way all the time when people about my own self we got to go to break but like when i when people are like you are killing it like yesterday was like a day on social media that i'm sure anyone who is having a rough time in their career they look at my instagram who compares themselves to me and they

go god she's doing everything like she's killing it she hosts this she's like and just projecting so much onto me that i would do the same thing and there was just a part of me that was like i wish they could see like me alone in my hotel room like waiting for uber eats literally having this be like the highlight of my day taking a bath really not knowing what to do in the bath like being bored within two seconds getting out reading a book putting that down being on reddit until five in the morning not being able to sleep like reading about columbine like this isn't like this isn't really what it looks like my spray tan like the splotchiness of my body like that is all um i have to remember that it's not all what it seems because there there are times that i've lived like the perfect image and i'm just like it's not that

but like but it is funny when people go those yeah they go they go you know they talk like this and then every like 15th instagram post it's them just crying and they And they're just like, I'm also just like you. And they're like, all right, I need more tears. Can you put more tears? You know what I mean? Like, that even, that feels like the same kind of confidence. Yeah, yeah, the do-out. But it's like, it's confident in being just like, I don't know.

There's an interesting thing. It's a formative, yeah, it's like of I'm a real person um even though i still have a ring light on me and i'm crying with a filter on cry filter so it's all such lies it's um it's more fun to just uh i just like when but it is hard to hear someone like jamila jamil be like and i'm just a puddle with bangs and i'm like you're like stop it you're gorgeous like that she was like there are people that like you know try to go they look so gorgeous yeah and you go like oh i only bang my way down like and she's yeah and you go honey i think you could bang her at the top you were like one of the most stunning people i've ever seen i was literally gobsmacked looking at her like she was one of

those people that you see in person you just go whoa i get why she was discovered like she just radiates so um yeah some people i don't like that i don't even let them have colors getting together i know we were so colorful it was awesome you never see it you never see that like it was yeah it looks like we were were dumb and dumber going to parties. Oh, shit. That's how, right? All right, we got to go to break. We'll come back with more right after this.

2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt,

or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early, well, How To Money will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right. How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. respondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed?

Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out, we want to raise awareness, and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, and I'm an investigative journalist. When a group of models from the UK wanted my help, I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a playboy model.

Lingerie, topless. I said, yes, please. Because at the centre of this murky world is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his pattern of behaviour. He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it. He's everywhere and has been everywhere. It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated. Together, we're going to expose him and the rotten industry he works in.

It's not just me. We're an army in comparison to him. Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager. Responsible and driven and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused.

I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened, and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community. And I made my way back.

This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps. Listen to Crems as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network, available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Did you know that companies hire the most in the first two months of the year or that nearly half of workers are worried about being left behind? I am Andrew Seaman, LinkedIn's editor at large for jobs and career development. And my show, Get Hired, brings you all the information you need to, well, get hired. People are forming opinions of you even before you log into the Zoom or walk into the room. And so you really have to think

about what is it I want to display. You don't plant a garden and then just walk away and expect it to thrive. You are in there pulling out the weeds. You're pruning it. You're watering it. It's the same thing with your network. You should always be in there actively managing your network. If you don't feel confident to say a number, even admitting that to a recruiter is going to be far better than saying, well, what is your budget for the role? A lot is in the follow-up, right? Don't wait to follow up. Whether you're a new grad, an established professional, or contemplating a career change, Get Hired is for you. Listen to Get Hired with Andrew Seaman on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you like to listen. All right, we're back with Carl L. Forrester.

We are going to play Top One, Bottom One. It's Monday. Okay, the category for today's Top One, Bottom One is something in an airplane on a flight. Something in an airplane. When you're flying places, we're going to talk about the thing you like the most

and the thing you like the least on an airplane. Oh, I thought it was stories from a flight i apologize yeah so i'll i'll like one time i mean this is a loose segment there's no rules just right out but state house like that was that was bad um okay so let's start with uh the least uh that's uh the bottom one on a plane i will say um the guy recently had a thing on the plane where the guy just really wanted to talk to me and i could tell that they were just staring at like what i was doing looking for anything to like comment on and and then starting to like judge my movements and like just looking for something to be like got a pillow or like just the guy next to you who wants to talk to you so badly and then when you finally give it and talk to them they don't

really want to talk to you they want to talk about themselves and they're not even interested in anything that you're sharing they just want to talk about themselves and that's that's it this this energy i got from this guy recently of like oh he's watching everything i do just waiting to go like okay yes i'm reading a book there i don't like and you couldn't be you're the most closed off it's essentially like you build your own little fort yeah it rarely happens that's when i notice this guy because i was like he's waiting for an in and he doesn't even understand he doesn't have airpods so he doesn't understand how shut out I am to any noise he's making so he's going to think I'm rude when he eventually talks to me because I will not hear it because I have noise canceling headphones

that are blaring airplane noise from my white noise app to double down on my favorite thing about an airplane which is the airplane noise but yeah um I can't i can't stay i just learned so much in my early in my career of traveling all the time to never engage with an a man at the seat next to you and i'm not talking about a man my age it's usually uh 50 years plus do not talk to those men on planes they are too chatty and they will ask for your number and they will want to stay in touch and it's just it becomes it be i've made a mistake so many times of giving these old men my numbers um just to be nice and then just like flirting with me for years via text and it's just so gross um and uh oh but i

did have this on the plane here the whole time. Like I ate like a monster. I slept like a monster. I was disgusting. And I had a feel like at the very start of the plane, I could sense that he kind of clocked me and then was texting a lot on his phone. I was trying to see his phone if he was like, because sometimes I'll look on their phone

and I see them looking up. I see my face on their phone. So they're trying to like verify it's me so they like google my name to like see a picture and it's like the it happens it happens a lot and I've done it before with celebrities where I'm like if you do that just hide your phone so the celebrity doesn't see so I looked at his phone it didn't have me on it but I could see like him feverishly texting his friends and I was like this guy who was like kind of quiet before is all of a sudden after he's clocked me he's like writing so i was like maybe but then i was like nicky stop being full of yourself like you're not who

cares no one no one knows who you are and then as soon as we land he just goes i just want to say i'm a big fan i'm like i have been farting next to you for five and a half hours i like binge next to you i put a blanket over my head, like a burka. He's like, you're a celebrity. I just really enjoyed it. I went to the bathroom like eight times. To smell your farts. Like, I just like that he's like, dude, I really love how like, you're just yourself.

And it's like, oh my God, I know. I just let my hair down. I like put a pill bottle between my bunion and my, like to spread my my toes i was like doing some really weird stuff and i'm like god this would have been nice to know that you know who i am it is a weird feeling to have to just be yourself on a plane or in any situation and then at the end of it for someone to go i know who you are yeah like that doesn't that doesn't happen in life where you know unless i maybe like i know you're a mom and you go oh no god there's someone in my family but yeah so that was my worst that actually was nice that guy was

very nice but um wish you would have said it earlier what about what's your worst story uh i i guess uh this was pretty bad so i'm i you know my brother was is way smarter than me my older brother and he'd like to outsmart me a lot. I don't even think this... It's funny when you think back and you're like, man, he tricked me, but really I should have saw it coming. You know what I mean? Sometimes you're like, man, how did he think of this? Yeah, like that sour cream, ice cream incident.

This is exactly like this. Comes to mind? Yeah. He put two ketchup packets down. He's like, i bet you should punch him and i was like no i know just punch him as hard as you can yeah to ketchup packets and i was like you sure i should do it he's like yeah it'll be cool and i'm like and this was on your way to jackson hole last week like how old were you i want to set the stage here i would say i was like eight or nine okay so he's like

12 11 he's like 12 yeah he's just smart enough to know that this is a horrible idea and i fucking punch these ketchup pack because i want to impress them too at the same time and i punch them and the ketchup flies like seven feet and lands on like a 140 old woman's face. Like, and she's just covered with ketchup. Like, was she like sitting next to you? Like on the row? No, she was like,

it was like, it was far enough where I don't even know. I can't remember whether or not. Yeah. She got ketchup. It was like the Vegas shooting. They're like, where is this coming from?

I mean, a lot of times in mass shootings, they can't, they do not know where it's coming from. I'm sorry. Yeah. It was like JFK assassination. It was like, where is this coming from? I mean, a lot of times in mass shootings, they do not know where it's coming from. I'm sorry to hear that. Yeah, it was like JFK assassination. It was like, was it from, was it even this plane? It was back and to the left.

So I blamed the CIA. Did they think it was blood too? Oh, yeah. They were like, she's alive? She's in one spot. Yeah, she's just old enough where she just started bleeding randomly. Yeah, I didn't get caught, though, somehow.

Did your parents get mad at you? I can't remember if they were even on the flight or listening to us or talking to us at that time. I think my mom was drunk and my dad was looking at reports. As long as you didn't catch up on those reports. I don't know why. It wasn't like, I guess I didn't get up on those reports i don't know why it wasn't like i guess i didn't get in that much trouble to think back but i just felt so horrible for this old woman who she didn't need who like screamed yeah and then also like i feel bad for that kid being so dumb

to do that you know what i mean yeah oh i like that we're looking at him as not you but yeah he was just a kid he He didn't know no nothing. I remember one time spilling ketchup on my hands and walking to the bathroom at a McDonald's when I was maybe in third grade and this man was like, are you okay? He got his blood all over my hands. And I remember being so scared by his reaction.

And I was just like, I don't know. I just remember being like, oh, that's what it's like to get like, like real attention from like some like too much, like someone being so concerned about you that it was just like, Jesus Christ, chill out. And then you're like, am I okay? Like, am I okay?

Like you start questioning everything. And you start telling me like, someday you will start bleeding and it means you're a woman. I'm like, they're too young for this. Where's my dad? I handed my brother a knife one time and he took ketchup and he put it all over his hands and said, I stabbed him. And I was running around crying, thinking I stabbed my brother. That was in Jackson Hole.

Cry with joy. I'm going to be the successful one now. Okay, Carlisle, what about you? Okay. Story or just like thing on a plane that's the least thing i'm just going right to story because i had to do the worst thing which is blow my flight attendant yeah blow the autopilot plus did you fuck the autopilot i had to get my two cats to Mississippi.

And if you remember this, it was right before I was moving in with you to do Dancing with the Stars. And we thought we were going to live in this apartment for a lot longer than we actually did. But they didn't allow pets. That's reminding me. So I had to get these two cats back to Mississippi

in an airplane bag that goes under the seat. Two have to fit in the one that goes under the seat. That's the rule, the FCC rule. That's the cat rule, yeah. Fuck cat cats. I already had them drugged, whatever, and they're like, like fighting in the bag.

How did you drug these things, Carla? So they wouldn't fight. No, no, How did you drug these things, Carla? They wouldn't fight. No, no. How did you drug them? Your vet will prescribe it. I didn't know if you Benadryl'd them yourself. I'd already prepared for them to be in the bag the whole time. She hot bagged it.

She just blew a bunch of smoke into the bag. Just smoked them out. No, so then the flight's about to start and the flight attendant comes around and she's like, okay, you need to take one of the cats out of the bag. And I was like, what? And she's like, one needs to go in your lap.

She goes, the cat's out of the bag. You got two cats in there and everyone knows it. It's coming out of the bag. I was like, what is this, a late night show? I was like, that is the worst idea ever. The bag's like, like it's like, oh my God. But why did she make you take one out why i just that's the rule like

one has to ride on your lap so i was like which one's gonna be more docile and i just got like the older one and pulled her out and she's trying to like jump on the plane and i'm holding her and then she just took a shit on my lap oh some stress She was so stressed out and she was medicated and I felt so bad for the people next to me because they're like, who is this? Who brings two cats on a plane?

Like, I look like a crazy person. Oh my God. But it's because I have to move them back. Like, they both live there now. So like, this is the one time in life this is ever going to happen. But for that one plane ride,

I was that girl. This is a lesson. Like, don't get cats. Like, don't get animals if you don't have a plan i know well they live for 22 years i mean i had these cats 2005 and things were fine then yes oh my god there's so many times where people have to move or like there's situations where people are like i got i don't know what to do with my dog like having pets no i would never really holds back people from so many things.

My plan was always for them to go to their golden years in Mississippi, which is what's happening now, which is a great life for cats. Were the people next to you being like, oh, you could hear them huffing and puffing? They were laughing. They were these two boys that were on their way to a wedding, and I think they were cousins. Oh, good.

And they were just like, oh, man. Because it smelled so bad. Oh, no. Were you apologizing? And I was just like, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. And she was just shitting. Were the cats fighting in the bag?

And I'm just digging the thing, trying to get it. They were fighting in the bag. I can't get over it. Oh, they were fighting in the bag. Was there shit in the bag, too? Were they shitting? All in the bag. They had gotten sick and everything.

And I'm holding Avery. Oh, L avery why did you just why did you do like did you know that the cats were gonna do this i think it was the medicine that the vet gave them just relax them and it relaxed their bowels you guys stop giving your cat like when people fly with their animals they medicate them it's just such a bad idea just i don't know what it is with cats but with dogs just put them in the bag and stop checking on them just like be confident that that's where they belong and your dog will like read your energy it was the best advice i was ever given it changed the way

i traveled with pets i was always dealing with dogs that were doing the same thing freaking out shitting like scratching the bag trying to get out yeah and then the second these gay guys were like oh you're traveling with a dog it's rough isn't it and i was like i don't know what to do do you have any advice and they were like once you they are reading your energy if you're nervous about them in the bag they're gonna be nervous about being in the bag they go in the bag you're confident they should be there they're gonna take them out when it's the plane's right over is over if you are just confident they belong there and that it's not a big deal and you're not constantly like are you okay are you like they're not gonna worry about it either and it was like magic i couldn't believe how it worked where i was just like luigi that's where you're going and i'm just leaving you there and

you're fine and i'm gonna go to sleep never an issue again traveling with pets but i'm sure the problem is carlisle's shitter overalls and then the cats like i was sitting in a pile of stuff myself i was very nervous no what's your least favorite thing about a plane i i cannot stand when um someone who's in the window seat like opens their window and lets light into a dark plane, especially when it reaches my eye. How dare you? My dad does that. My dad loves a window seat, and if he's sitting in the aisle,

and someone is at the window, and they don't open the window, he goes, you don't even open the window. It's like, what's the point of sitting next to the window? Like, he'll start huffing and puffing,

and being a little baby about it, and be like, I mean, I like the window. I would use the window. Like, he loves the window. Then he gets mad if

you're on a southwest flight and you pick like a seat for him that is on the wing because then he doesn't have a good view because the winning like he loves what's he looking for out there ufos what is he doing he just likes the view i mean it is kind of impressive air travel is amazing no i know we should be amazed yeah it's okay my dad has a wonder that is like a childlike wonder it's right but you're when it is dark on a plane and the light is abrasive you should shut the window setting or the sun is however get a sleep mask if you don't like because the other night i was reading on a plane and it was dark and i put my overhead light on because i wanted to read this book that i had a tangible book and i felt bad because i'm like oh the, the cabin's dark. I'm putting on this reading light.

And then I go, if people don't like light and they want to sleep, get a fucking sleep mask. There's a solution if you don't like light. But I know some people don't like sleep masks. Do you see light coming in? Let that be your cue to wake up and see the fucking Grand Canyon. And it's on the left side of the plane, even though you're on the right. So look at the other. Look at the ocean view.

If you look out a window of any plane, you see the Grand Canyon. It don't matter how far you are. That Grand Canyon, it's big. It's grand. It's big. Okay, what's your favorite thing about being on a plane? Can I just say one more thing I hate real quick? I hate when people put up the airplane map of where we're going the whole oh i hate it

so much so i have to look and go we're in tennessee and we have to be in alaska and you fucking are watching now you prick now i have to watch the slow mo of this fucking i was like i hope it crashes on there and they really do watch it these people just like so these people are such control freaks they need to feel like they're in the cockpit some way so they have like this is control freaks that are watching this they're like oh the elevation right now and uh celsius to the fahrenheit is quite cold up here can you believe that what uh i'm trying to think i mean we could just do all things we hate but what's your favorite part about air travel or being on, on, being on an airplane? I mean, my favorite story is when I was flying, my little brother was afraid to fly and I've

told you this before, but he was in the back and he was having a full on meltdown and, uh, and the pilot came back after we took off. He was crying so hard. He was like fighting. He had like super strength and he finally calmed down because we gave him a half of Xanax. And the pilot comes all the way to the back of the plane, and he looks down, and he's like, Son, I just want to let you know we're going to get you home all right.

And Sam looks up, and he goes, Who's flying the plane? So Sam is just envisioning like an empty steering wheel just going you know carlisle fucking the autopilot it's just crazy i would think that too yeah if i was 11 or 12 yeah yeah oh my god it was the best moment of my life i've i laugh every time i think of that story i told it at his wedding because he's the pilot thinks he's really like changing this kid's life I laugh every time I think of that story. I told it at his wedding.

The pilot thinks he's really changing this kid's life, even though he's been giving him so much more alarm. The best thing on a plane was when I sat next to two of the only surviving munchkins from The Wizard of Oz. Wait, what? I've never heard this story. Jerry... Were they in one seat? He told it on YouUp a long time ago.

Wait, let me look up his name. Jerry Munchkin. Him and his wife were both munchkins. Jerry Marin, that's right. Jerry Marin and his wife were both in the Lollipop Guild. He died May 24, 2018. he was old as fuck he died at the age of 98 um i met him in probably i mean he was at the window his wife was in the middle

seat i was on the aisle and i was flying out to la from like some shit gig uh when i was just broke and like not doing well at all and he and they were so nice we started talking all about the business and they were telling me all about the lollipop guild they would make appearances that was like how they were making money so they were telling us all about me all about you know what it was like to be they still like really represented the lollipop guild and we're going out there uh and they were like they were so adorable they loved each other so much and um and he told me i was going to make it. He was like, I just have a feeling about you.

You're going to make it, and it was very like I really felt that he believed it, and I don't know if I felt like it was magical somehow having a munchkin tell me that or something, but it just felt, it was such a lovely flight of talking to someone over 50. Were they from Chocolate Factory? But under 50 inches.

What? No, the Wizard of Oz. oh the wizard of oz guys yeah yeah so like night like he was in the wizard of oz you're thinking of oompa loompas we represent the lollipop guilt the lollipop guilt yeah those two um it was like a fever dream i couldn't even believe it that i was sitting got to sit next to them and that they were so nice and we talked the whole way and that they um i think they gave me like a present or something at the end of it to remember them it was so nice but it was such a wild um but that was my best flight what about you car oh i was just gonna say i just had more leg room you're

like i could really stretch out that's why it's great. You're like, that was such a good fly. You're like, finally, I get to fucking lay down on top of them. That's so funny. I just put them under the seat in front of me. I was like,

you guys can't put there. Can I just have your seats? You can't put two munchins in one bag. You have to have one on your lap and one under the seat. That's FCC regulation

as we've learned. No. Okay, this is very meta because I'm here now. I don FCC regulation. As we've learned. This is very meta because I'm here now. I don't know. Wait. First of all, how meta is this going to be? Nikki, can we take a bet? This is Carlisle meta. I've been using the word right. That's what I'm on the fence about here.

Is that we... What does Carlisle think meta means? I'm so excited for how meta this is. I have a feeling it will be. I think she's going to nail it. My favorite thing about being on a plane is listening to this podcast. Oh, well, that is meta. Yeah.

And I'm inside of this podcast. Oh, that is so nice of you to say. Are we flying together right now? Are you on a plane? It is. Oh, yes. Someone on a plane right now listening to this. It is nice. There's together right now are you on a plane it is oh yes someone on a plane right now listening to this it is nice there's something about listening to podcasts on a plane i love laughing so hard at something on the plane that i have to turn it off because

i am being one of those people that's like i'm having so much fun by myself like i just hate people that like laugh to themselves where i'm it's just like we get it you like are entertained by art like you you have your own little private world you're having fun you have a good life i like there's parts of me as soon as i start laughing like at a book or something i'm reading i'm always just like oh everyone hates me around me they think i'm like trying to happen on columbine and nicky's just like just snickering it's like chapter eight like when they all died and nicky's just like just snickering it's like chapter 8 like when they all died

and Nikki's just like this is what it gets good oh the basement tapes chapter that's where the big Columbine heads out there isn't it funny when you laugh to yourself on a podcast because you do it really you really laugh hard and then you try to hide

the laugh instead of just like let it naturally happen yeah you're just like it looks like you're doing the sneak like you're plotting like you're just like thinking about how you're gonna hijack this plane and you just look suspicious yes ah they didn't just listen to conan i swear well why do you have dynamite i had a wooden knife that I got from like a disposable. It's over there, I think. Wait, let me just get it. Did you bring a wooden knife on a plane? Yeah, so like I had like disposable, like, you know, cutlery.

There's so many times I find myself on the road where like I'll order Uber Eats and there's no, you know, I have um the the stirring straws from like the coffee filter thing to like use as chopsticks because they just never have they don't give it to you in your brewery so then you just are like oh what do i do there's no restaurant at the hotel i can't call down so i've just saved stuff that's like good sometimes that i get and i just had an individual wooden knife is that one of your dad's artifacts it's one of your dad yes did your dad find that on the missouri river this looks so suspicious like it is it is you know what it looks like it looks like someone's trying to sneak a murder weapon but as a butter knife like you're like yes

yeah it looks like something that someone would make to make it look like it's not as dangerous as it is and this is was in my i found this in my jean jacket while i was on the flight and i was like man i'm glad because it's a wooden so it wouldn't come out on a metal detector like it is a perfect weapon so if any terrorists are out there listening yeah if you want to make a gun make it out of wood like i just love the idea of you like you have a shank on you like that's a straight up shank yeah it is i've never even seen a like a take home knife with it it would make sense to be like oh this is i just had the knife there was no other piece if there was the napkin or like the plastic that came with the set it was just the knife so suspicious um uh noah what's your favorite thing about being on a real quick i love when i'm like on a plane that's not too old but also not too new so there's like a

screen that's so true i just think it won't crash like break apart in the sky yeah yeah no and um it's been they have a map that i can track the flight and i can see it in the three different views like zoomed out medium oh you're that person i hate i hate you i hate you that's what andrew hates noah i fucking hate you noah so you're going through each of the views where it goes like 3d and like goes around the plane yes and it tells me how much time i have left yeah because i like knowing how much time is left like i like these are people who want to be in the cockpit they can't be it's the closest they can get i get it i know that that is exactly it's noah that's who that person is it's wait do you leave it on the whole time?

You're going to hate this answer. The answer is yes. Even. It was you the whole time. I'd rather have a cat shit in my mouth than watch you... Now I know if we ever fly anywhere, I cannot sit next to Andrew.

Because he's going to want to kill me. We're going to have to have one motion... You love that interactive map that keeps going from like... I know exactly what you're talking about. They give you different aspects of the plane. They give you the elevation. They trace around it. They show you where you are in comparison to Africa.

Yeah, that gives you a little steering wheel so you pretend that you're flying it. Well, look at me. We're going to have to have 15 munctions in between us. I'm telling you. I also like to do this. I like to turn the screen off, listen to a little bit of a podcast,

then turn it back on and see how far you've come. The plane has moved. Okay. I don't mind that. I don't mind. Andrew, we need to get you a sleep mask so you don't have to deal with these people. Sleep masks would solve most of our issues except Carlos' cat shit.

I need a sleep nose. It goes over your nose. If you pull the sleep mask down. Solution. I need a sleepy nose. All right, guys. That's our podcast for this Monday. We're back in action.

We'll be here all week. Thank you so much for listening. We will see you tomorrow on the show. We're back in action. We'll be here all week. Thank you so much for listening. We will see you tomorrow on the show. Don't be cut and Jack. Come to Nashville August 30th. Yeah, there you go. Tomorrow night in Nashville.

Go see Andrew and come see me in Vegas September 2nd. We'll see you out there. Bye. Bye. Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel.

And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money Podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How To Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. That's right. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. With a blend of humor, vulnerability and authenticity, we share our personal journeys navigating our 30s, tackling the complexities of modern relationships and engage in thought provoking discussions that challenge societal expectations. interviews with diverse guests to relatable stories that will resonate with your experiences. Decisions Decisions is going to be your go-to source for the open dialogue about what it truly means to love and connect in today's world. Get ready to reshape your understanding of relationships and embrace the freedom of authentic connections. Tune in and join the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

We want to speak out and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, an investigative journalist, and this is my journey deep into the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy in my adult. He was like, I'll take you to the top, I'll make you a star. To expose an alleged predator and the rotten industry he works in. It's honestly so much worse than I had anticipated.

We're an army in comparison to him. From novel, listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The OGs of uncensored motherhood are back and badder than ever. I'm Erica. And I'm Mila. And we're the hosts of the Good Moms Bad Choices podcast, brought to you by the Black Effect Podcast Network every Wednesday.

Yeah, we're moms. But not your mommy. Historically, men talk too much. And women have quietly listened. And all that stops here. If you like witty women, then this is your tribe. Listen to the Good Moms Bad Choices podcast every Wednesday on the Black Effect Podcast Network, the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

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