The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #267 It's Always In Me!

Episode Date: September 1, 2022

That ring is still on Nikki's finger in case you were wondering... and she has adjusted her life around it. Andrew is in the green room of Zanie's comedy club in Nashville way too early for his headlining gig. Nikki reminisces about the horror of staying at "comedy condos" and dealing with bullies when she was a teacher. In the news, You Heard It Here First, they decide that stealing from restaurants is not cool, Nikki hasn't seen cum in years and the consensus is to leave Harry Styles and Olivia Wilde alone.  -------- Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Get Pod Merch: Podshop.NikkiGlaser.com Nikki's Tour Dates: www.nikkiglaser.com/tour Andrew's Tour Dates: www.andrewcollincomedy.com ----------- More Nikki: IG More Andrew: IG  More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. Welcome to the show. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. It's Wednesday. How are you this week? I'm in Los Angeles, California.

Noah is in New York. Andrew's in Nashville. We're all scattered. And I was late getting up this morning. I do still have the ring on from March 8th. The finale of FBoy Island 2. Perfect Strangers 2, as you guys know it. It's still on my finger.

It's not coming off. I did go, when I was jewelry shopping in Boston, i did ask these women if they could cut it off and they were like oh no you have to go to the hospital so they need like a little mini jaws of life like what i think so yeah i just it's people are concerned about it um my stylist who gave it me it um the other night they were styling me for jimmy kimmel and they just stacked some other rings around it but it definitely did not go with the look and they were not like they were like is there any way to get it off and i looked at them like march 8th do you think i keep thinking it will like slip off or like i'll just kind of like you know take it off without really thinking about it like one day it's just gonna be off and i'll be like it's off it's off without really thinking about it. Like one day it's just going to be off and I'm going to be like, it's off,

but it's, um, it's not, it just will not go past my knuckle. And then there's another one I just put on last night. Not really. And it is a very sharp, sharp edges.

And so I've had to like adjust my life around it because it like, we'll get, it got caught in my hair a lot when I was using to shampoo. Now I just don't shampoo anymore. Um, you know, certain sex acts used to have it get in the way. caught in my hair a lot when i was using to shampoo now i just don't shampoo anymore um you know certain sex acts used to have it get in the way and now it's just it's i've adapted i just lift that finger delicately for all activities who are you without it at this point it's like it's like a ribbon around lord of the rings yeah if you take the ribbon off, your head falls off.

In this case, just my middle finger comes off. Did you ever hear that the most important finger is the pinky? What? Like for gripping things? Interesting. No, I never knew that. I thought it was me. It's not real. Yeah.

I don't know. I feel like, well, the pinky toe is apparently. Like of all your fingers to get rid of. Yeah. That's the one to keep. Yeah, your pinky toe must have a lot to do with balance as well. the pinky toe is apparently. Like, of all your fingers to get rid of. Yeah. That's the one to keep. Yeah, your pinky toe must have a lot to do with balance as well. But I don't know. We, I kind of, you need them all.

I'm trying to think what I use the most. I feel like your middle finger. Yeah. Is the longest. Well, at least it is for me. Is your middle finger the longest? There was this football player. Yeah.

There was this football player who. That's the one I know now. No, his name was Ronnie Lott, and his finger got like frostbite, and it was like before the Super Bowl, and they were like, either you can't play, or you gotta play in a cast,

or we're gonna cut your pinky off, and he elected to cut the fucking pinky off at the knuckle to play. Because playing in a cast would be too. Because he was a safety, it would be hard to play because you need to use your hands somewhat. But still, it's wild.

I'll probably just get ripped off during the game anyway. With the cast? Just take it off. No, it would get hurt so bad in the game. How long ago was this? I don't know if that was a good decision. It's pretty ballsy, I guess. There's so many times

people make decisions for like the super bowl or like a role they're doing people don't forget that no one cares like the super bowl becomes almost obsolete afterwards like do you remember who won five years ago i mean i'd have to think hard about it i remember more who won like 20 years ago more than five years ago like i cared about it more when i was a kid right do you care about the halftime show as a kid the commercials i did that was like a big commercial was so fun we had to go to a friend's a family friend though and i never really like their house oh because it was just like a yeah i don't know you know how your family like your parents have friends and it's like now they have to be your friends and it's like i had no choice and even their kids like

fought before you went there because they're like i don't want to go this year and it was like we gotta go we go every year it's, I just want to stay home. Like, that's another thing added to going to parents' friends' house is, like, the stress of your parents before you go. You kind of see your mom, like, getting ready. And you're like, why do women take so long to get ready? Because you're a kid. You're just like, you don't wear makeup. You don't do your hair.

And you're like, you just you you start to notice like a dynamic of like oh they were like really catholic and it was very stale in there you know it was just a very stale you know like no one was really loud or like i'm not everything was like christ yeah a lot of bodies that makes me think of stale like yeah just everything was a wafer everything just oh my god were they so scandalizedized when What's Her Name's Titty came out? Yeah. They all actually killed themselves. They probably were the ones that-

David Koresh style. Wrote the letter. Dude. But you do have to be friends with your parents' friends' kids. That's like, oh, yeah. No, you're friends with Johnny now because I fucking worked with you know diane for a year so now you're best friends it's like i fucking hate johnny he threatens me with a knife he's not a good guy did he uh one of the our family friends he kind of beat me up on the school bus

one time he like shoved my head into the seat and uh but he shit his pants all the time so we i probably made fun of him for that and i probably deserved it to be honest yeah there's always another side to the shoving your face into a bus seat story dude one time i i told you that story about the guy that he he uh was beating me up on the bus and then my he got off the bus and my brother threw him like for me like yes for me and then a couple years later he killed somebody so i got beat up by a murderer was there a boom box involved yeah he hit this old lady with a boom box and then lit her on fire and then spray painted her and then your brother is lucky to have avoided any of that backlash your brother how how many years later did he do that to the

and he spray painted her how much time did he have i mean i don't know it was like his 16th chapel or 16th i don't know it's 15th he was 15 or 16 she was mad at him because he was playing rap yeah and she was like turn it down and he's like i'll turn it off on your head it was horrible that's why you don't and then his family won the lottery people no uh yeah did he get out uh i think you tried to get off on like a mental illness but i think he's still in jail um they own the pizzeria in town i remember little johnny's or something or no i forget the name of it but he was always best rap hits you know burn your pizza rap hit on the head it was terrible it was terrible so terrible and he had they you know

he had a cousin named sal who just beat up everybody. It's weird. Kids were just allowed. I think they still probably do, right? Yes. There's still plenty of bullying going on. Everyone's like, there's no bullies left. I think it's still fine. Yeah, I think it's pretty rampant still. It's really about the teachers who just let it happen.

That was a big thing. Sorry to drop it, but Columbine, where all the administrators just knew that bullying was happening. And everyone loved the jocks so much. It was just like, it doesn't matter. And the kids reporting bullying would be pointless because the jocks will always have, it will always be, you were taunting them with your weird outfits. Like, if you don't want to be bullied stop being goth was pretty much the point i wonder if normal i could see teachers like now that i'm older

and insecure that they would want the kids to think they're cool like they want the jocks to be like i love mr fucking keating dude that's why a lot of them go back to teach is because they want to like you know or do it again write it yeah they want to rewrite it the same thing that um my therapist always says about our relationships you're just trying to live out the story you told yourself about yourself in as a child but you want to actually win this time so like you'll get into the same dynamic that you have with your mom or dad but this time you're going to disprove the thing that they always made you think of yourself like i'm gonna okay so i'm gonna date this guy and i'm gonna i'm gonna

get him to love me even though he's just like my dad who never loved me i'm gonna get him to love me and then it'll prove that i am lovable even to someone who's as an asshole as my dad. And that's what, yeah, these people go back and teach and a lot of them, I think, have that agenda of wanting to go back. I mean, I know I kind of did. Like being a, the moments I was like a teacher,

there was a part of me that wanted so badly for the cool kids to like me still. I mean, I was 24, 23, 24, so I was still a little bit of a kid myself but um there were any kids that you would think about like fucking i don't know if jeff thinks i'm cool like like later and like like when you go home like was there like a few kids in particular that you're like i just don't think i'm getting to him also like i mean i'm fucking cool dude i'm fucking i'm still with like i don't know i would think like there would be something like that.

I really hated when they thought I was lame, you know? And when they were like, come on. Like I would take away their phones eventually because I started out as cool and then they walked all over me. And then they would always be on their phones, not listening at all. And one day I just snapped

and you could tell they were just like, you know,ki teacher used to be cool and now you know that's what they called me because it was a korean prep school and it was like all of a sudden they were like whoa she's insane because i was not being you know zero to a hundred yeah i wasn't being consistent and um yeah there was a couple kids that i just always remember um it was a triumph of a year even though i did not probably do the best job i was teaching them how to write um five paragraph essays because they were in eighth grade and they were about to go to ninth grade and some of them did not know how to do it's like that was that was the problem with teaching is like

the level of the the kids that know that are the smart kids know so much and the kids that aren't know like second grade level like not even and you're you're supposed to be getting them prepared for high school and you're like how do i teach all these people at the same time when some of them don't even know how to write and others are like you know ready to work on a college essay so that was was the tough part. But there was, we had to do a persuasive essay. And one day there was like, I think a couple of weeks before that was due, they were teasing one kid and,

or they said something was gay or, you know, they were just making fun of gay, gay, gay, gay. And I was just like, can we just all think about it for a second? And I stole the david cross bit which was um why would someone like want to be the thing that is if if you think gay is a choice you think that people i was like let's go to the root of it you think these that a gay kid wants to be gay yeah and they were like yeah and i was like okay why so that you can make fun of

them so that they have to like hide who they are and like why would you want why would you make that up so that you so that you think they're disgusting and all these like and it kind of got through to them of like oh maybe it's not a choice which, you know, not the greatest lesson. It's more about like, it should be, it's like, you should want to be gay. Being gay is awesome, which is now obviously how I feel.

But at the time I was just like, the way to get through these kids is like, think about, make it so that they can see that it could be them too. Like these kids did. And so then I remember Anderson. Yeah. It stops them in their tracks. Yeah. Like make them like, they can see that it could be them too like these kids did and so then i remember anderson yeah it stops them in their tracks yeah like make them like just pause and like think and then it

disrupts whatever they were doing like the the bullying cycle it does because it's all based on them thinking that that person chose to be that way it stops everything or they want attention for being or they get attention even if it's a little bit. Yeah, that's the Republican thought process of like, they want attention.

They want attention. And it's like, because I'm not getting attention for living my boring life, so then their life is a little bit more interesting and now I don't get attention and they're getting attention.

And what are they doing except for just pretending to be girls? When I want, you know, it's like that whole rabbit hole. It is. Yeah. And I just remember one of the kids for his essay, he turned it and he was one of the original, like, you know, gay sayers. And he said, I wrote my Fiberica essay about why people don't choose to be gay

because Nikki Teacher inspired me. And I was like, oh my god! This kid's going into high school and he's not going to call people gay. He's going to stand up for gay people. Now I'm just racist. Now I'm only, I'm going to lean into the racism because homophobia

just whatever. It was a full run on sentence and he said very very like like a thousand times but i did not give a shit tons of misspellings he spelled gay g-e-i-g-h but i was like a plus buddy a plus but it is true like you can apply that to anything whenever my dad is like matt gets upset with my mom about forgetting something. Like, he'll be like, you don't remember that? She just told that story. You don't remember?

And I go, do you think mom chose to forget it? Do you think that she purposely went in her brain and was like, I'm not going to remember that? Then why are you upset? You really can't get upset with anyone unless you think they actually maliciously chose to do the thing you know like it happens so often yes an ethical question can i get mad at my dad if he doesn't want to get a hearing aid and i get upset every time i have to repeat literally yes everything there's a fix to that. Thank you.

Yes, there's an easy fix. Well, does he have to pretend sometimes that he does know what you're saying because he knows the answer to it is a hearing aid? He just says, what? What? I did the what? Why won't he get a hearing aid? Because it represents him aging.

I think so. It costs a lot probably to get your ears fixed. I mean, it depends what you need. Some people need a full-on ocular implant and it's fucking insanely expensive. But I don't know. Do you ever have your headphones in, like the noise-canceling ones,

and you can't hear fucking anything? I mean, AirPods cancel out everything and you hear someone kind of say something to you but then you know that they know that you have your airpods in so you don't even look to go huh because it's like in an elevator and you don't really want to talk to anyone and you get to play deaf oh mama likes that i think that's what noah's dad's doing i love when it's it reminds me of like how it's going to be when i can't talk like yes i have an excuse not to have these kind of meaningless social interactions that people want to have like

sometimes i will admit like i'll be walking by a crowd and someone will and i just know i get recognized or something and it'll be like nikki nikki it'll just be like the slightest nikki and i won't turn around, because I'm like, if you want me, you better fucking yell my name. You better grab me and be shit. Yeah, grab me by the pussy. Yeah, grab me by the pussy if you want my attention.

Yeah, just these little Nikki. You're like, I don't feel it, because I have my headphones in. I really... No, I can feel your hand grabbing my pussy. The headphones are great. they really cancel out everything i can hear like the little bones in my ear in my jaw that's all i can hear sometimes sometimes i just leave them in and don't have music in i wish you could just be selectively deaf and selectively you know it's the choice then people think you're rude you need to have

them in to be like i can't hear you that's why i used to like having like gigantic beats headphones because then people know with that with you know the um yeah airpod sometimes your hair covers it and people are talking you rather be deaf or blind get around. You know a lot of people say blind? You know a lot of people say blind? Really? Why? Can we Google that? I could have swore that like, it would surprise me when I remember I looked it up.

It would be so sad because of music, but I know that they can feel vibrations and still have a good time. But just in terms of getting around, that I would just want to still, well, even though that would be a good reason to stay in bed all day and not really leave your house but then you would get so depressed but i would i would miss music a lot wow andrew's correct about that i mean yeah actually this is

from the nih so almost 60 considered blindness worse than deafness. Wait. Yeah. So 40% of people. I don't think they're thinking this through. No offense to blind people out there, but that would be really tough. I mean, here's the thing. How many performers do we know that are deaf? We know, well, two blind performers.

Like, we don't know that many blind performers. No, performing would be easier because when you're deaf, your voice changes. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Okay. So it'd be harder. So maybe I couldn't perform. Right, that's what I'm saying. Yeah.

But most people don't perform. Yeah. Like, they weren't doing an interview on why am i only thinking of ray charles broadway wonder like those are the only two people i'm thinking about like yeah and andre buchelli still do stand up blind so there's a reason not to go blind um i would want to do anything that would keep me uh no i would deaf deaf for sure and not that i want to be deaf but i feel like the deaf community is like really tight and they're like they are really proud to be deaf and there's other ways to communicate of course there's other ways like you can use braille

and stuff like that but um if you're blind but i just don't know. And we're all going blind slowly. I mean, I can't drive at night. My sight, I don't have my contacts in right now and it's not a pretty world. Does that worry you at all? That like you're slowly blinding, like going blind? No, because it's just like natural age. It's not like it's getting dark.

It's not like I'm just going to be blacked out. My eyes are good. My hearing will go, I'm sure. Because my aunt's deaf. She has an ocular implant. And she's always like, what? What about your dad? My dad is just, he's...

Does your dad have glasses? Yes, he does. Eventually. And my mom wears reading glasses but i yeah i don't know my grandpa marvin was deaf not deaf but just needed hearing implants i would what is it from did they listen to loud music i don't know he loved fucking he loved classical music that's all he listened to i'm like probably not smart i wonder if he was very smart you know i think classical music like you have to have either you have to be smart to enjoy

it or it makes you smart but i think it's the first one i like if you walked in and a guy was yeah if he was listening to classical you would respect him instantly even if he was dumb as shit you'd be like man this guy knows something that i don't at least i would i would be like oh he's just listening to mozart 45 or whatever like yeah 45 i used to go to my grandpa i go why don't you like lyrics and he's like i just it is weird i would want to know why don't they like lyrics well now he's dead well i asked no no that too noah doesn't they like lyrics? Well, now he's dead. Well, I asked Noah that too. Noah doesn't care about lyrics either. Do you like classical music, Noah?

I had a phase when I was listening to it, but I couldn't cite number 45. I couldn't hum it. There's something to listening to classical and being like, okay, now I should do some kind of long equation or read something about like physics you know and then i just put it on and i'm just watching tiktoks on silent you

know what i mean like you can't do something very dumb while listening to the class i'm trying to think of when you listen to music let's come back and we'll talk about more about music when we get back from the break 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially.

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or wherever you get your podcasts 7 questions, limitless answers when do you listen to music though? you don't listen to music while you're on TikTok no, no, I'm just thinking of something very dumb that I do yes, yes that's probably the dumbest thing I do do you listen to

music on the golf course when you're playing golf do you listen i don't like that i like the silence you work out in a class and so that's the music they chose when do you listen to music in the car when i drove here five hours and i fucking missed an exit and added another hour to my drive another hour i mean like 35 40 minutes wait for one exit that doesn't make sense well i went past it for a while okay so it wasn't just like whoopsie oh no another hour it was down the road i mean just daydreaming you're going over your set daydreaming did you think you're set the entire time no i actually I've been pretty good about keeping my brain not going insane about it. But I've gone over it a couple times.

It's hard to go. I don't know. I mean, you know, you've done it so many times. But when you do an hour, it's like, do I do it in segments? Because to sit down and just talk to yourself for an hour, it's a lot. No, it's not. You will be able to do it you do it every night for 15 minutes just add that times four it's the same thing you don't there's no no but when you do you start from the beginning when you work on your hour in your brain or do you go here's one segment here's one segment i'm gonna remember i mean you have an insane uh memory i'm

pretty good too but i think i just um yeah well no i think it all just goes one of one thing together like i'll just start here and then end up here but you can totally mix and match it though too because you know it's you know, you can mix and match. You're going to clip it up anyway. The only people that are going to see it as a whole unit are not, like, reviewing it for a Broadway run. You know what I mean? That's a good point.

So you can mix it up. Just have it on a sheet just in case you forget. Yeah, I'm actually here at the club already practicing. No, but I really am in the green room. Why? Because the internet wasn't working. You've been at that condo. Oh, at the condo across the street.

Yes, yes, yes. They have chairs. Do you remember that? I think they were there when we were there. They have a chair, like a cuck chair in the bedrooms at the condo. Like these comedy condos. What? If you've never been to them.

They have enough money to get new sheets. in the bedrooms at the condo. Like these comedy condos, if you've never been to them, they have enough money to get new sheets. Like they have like sheets from like 1945 that were at Woodstock. I probably slept on those sheets. Yeah. I probably brought those sheets because I used to always bring sheets to condos. Oh, that's smart.

Because I was like, these are disgusting. Yeah. Oh God. Fuck. I should have thought of that. They wash them though. Yeah. No, they do a good job. they have someone come in and wash them yeah

yeah no there's a comedy condo across the street in nashville um that it's been used for probably at least 15 years that i've been going there and really is a cool club here like it feels like there's a lot of history i mean it must have been here for a long time lucy's gonna listen to it she'll book you again we don't need to what are you talking about i just see you going you shit on the condo so you're like but no really there's a lot of history here oh no i wasn't doing that but lucy is so sweet and she's so nice and she's like the way that they handle like comics and take care of us you know it just means a lot to me because it makes me better on stage because I'm able to relax and just

really just think about my set and not like what's going to happen. Oh my god, I stayed at that condo with Jesus Trejo when I worked with Paul Schor there. We stayed there together with a meal. I think I got a hotel.

Oh, maybe just me and a meal were there. Yeah, you and a meal and i don't i think i got a hotel oh maybe just me and a meal were there yeah you and a meal were there my parents have been over in that condo we smoked weed with doug benson in that condo one time i've stayed in the condo probably six times um i like have thrown up in that toilet upstairs the is that the bad is that the one you have yeah i saw your i was so bulimic one weekend there oh god it was so disgusting i hit a real bad bottom in that fucking bathroom oh my god which one on the i'll go look i'll take a photo for you it's definitely been cleaned up since then but man it was there are some rough goes that kind of because it's so just so depressing staying with a bunch of comics that you don't know all weekend and the club is right across the street which is nice but it's just it

was such a what a weird time to just go go and you show up and whoever the headliner is you're just staying at a house with them all weekend there's one time in for other clubs or is it only in nashville no they do it uh it was that way and it's that way in a ton of places. But in Cincinnati and Orlando, Tampa, Richmond, Virginia, the one that I stayed in, in Wisconsin. God, what is the name of that club? It's called Skyline, but it was a small club. And I stayed with this guy. His name was Jeff. He was the headliner. And I came home one day, and he was on the couch in his boxers on his laptop, but his laptop was covering his boxers,

so he just looked like he was naked. I mean, it was so weird. There was one I stayed with a guy who had his MySpace girlfriend come visit, and she fucking hated me because she was so jealous that there was like another girl there and this was supposed to be her weekend with her boyfriend and he was so so overweight he couldn't move but once a day to walk to stage it was so weird

and I would go to these places and just cry because of the sheets were so I mean a lot of these condos the condo in Nashville is nice but a lot of these condos, the condo in Nashville is nice, but a lot of these condos, dirty, dirty, dirty. And you would just always wander around the condo and be scared to open the closets because I would always be scared the feature act

had hung himself the week before. And every time I open the closet, I'd be like, I think there's going to be a dead body in here because this is too depressing to have survived this weekend. Oh, it was grim. Oh, my God. I'm going to be so afraid sleeping there tonight. No, yours has been scoured.

People have probably died in there. Nashville would probably check on the feature act. But yeah, there have been crazy things happening in that in that condo before i'm sure a lot of drugs a lot of drugs a lot of drugs yeah um no cool things are happening i'm so fucking boring i was like in bed at like 9 30 watching hulu like a little bitch like what are you watching um tyson there's a new- Okay, moving on. Are you- You know Mike Tyson? Yeah, I do know Mike Tyson.

There's a new bio pic? There's so many things. Yeah, another bio fucking show. It's actually great. It really is. Like, surprisingly great. Well, I watched When Harry Met Sally for like the 100th time the other night. It's now on Netflix.

God damn it, it's so good i love it's like comfort food it's like it's just feels so good going down the whole the whole movie there's so many things i picked up on that i didn't think see the first time um throughout the movie you see that sally is in love with harry i never saw that before i always thought harry was going after sally but there's so many times now that i'm catching where sally was just like like so in love with harry and it was like so apparent yes gazing and i love those little nuggets that you find later on upon the 14th watch of something god that movie holds up it's so good i love that you watch that movie like you're figuring out usual suspects but it's just like romantic comedy of two people.

No, in minute 43, you could see that she blinks twice, and you'll know that she fucking wants to blow. Yes, there were so many like that. I'm going to watch it probably again. It's so soothing. Is that better than Sleepless in Seattle or no? Yes, for sure. I mean, they're both up there,

but I love a Billy Crystal. he's just so good in it and so detached are you turned on by billy crystal in that no no but i'm that's interesting like a leading man back then was not that he wasn't that attractive like i wasn't turned on by tom hanks though either i was more turned you know i'm more like into the love story of it you know of like oh they're sweet oh he loves her so much but i'm not like horny for hanks he wasn't hot and if he was too hot it wouldn't feel real and then was um for who cast away when he finally went back for Helen Hunt. And then he's pulling away in the car and then she starts chasing

after his car and then they get out of the car. And she's like, I love you. I loved you the whole time. But she's now married to this other guy and she has a kid. Oh God. She thought he was dead. Oh my God, that is so good. I love a movie where

they don't end up together i love it the notebook they shouldn't end up together i haven't seen the notebook you've never seen the nope no i know that's like i wrote you every day yeah and i know that they hated each other while there's a scene that's very similar to what you said. Well, it's in the rain and she jumps up. Yeah. It's over. It's never over. And then they fucking make out in the rain.

Why is that so good? The reverse cowgirl and Ryan's on top. It's weird. You got to see it. It's weird. All right, let's get to the news. You heard it here first. You heard it here first.

Yeah, you heard it here first. Oh, it's been a while, folks. It's Wednesday. You know what that means? It is Wednesday. Or is it Thursday? I don't know exactly, but I hope you're having all the swells. It is Wednesday.

But it's actually Tuesday. Because we're honest. Well, I mean, yeah, it's Tuesday in our world. But yeah, we're honest on the show. But it's Wednesday news time. All right. Are you guys interested in what people are stealing from Manhattan restaurants? Sure. I mean, I'm guessing salt and pepper and silverware, napkins.

Yes, especially things with logos. What? Stuff with logos. Oh, okay. Yep, like dishes, glasses, stuff like that knives really expensive steak knives uh also candles from the bathroom that have been lit so when people put them in their bag that means like the wax is probably falling all over the bag soap. People are such losers. Outdoor lamps. What are you doing?

Taylor's probably doing some of this. Yeah. Outdoor lamps. Taylor has two candles in her hand right now. I was looking at the chairs in my lobby of my hotel because there's a side entrance where there's no people there. But there's cameras. people there but they pulled up a pickup truck and had a mask on and just ran in grabbed these chairs threw them in the back peeled off no one would catch you not saying i could see you putting a mask on and then 10 minutes before that you have the same outfit on but now you just have a mask

and they're like lady like we saw you earlier without a mask i don't steal they know from the ring on your finger yeah like, like those cloth napkins. The other day I came home and I found one in our laundry and I was like, where did this come from? I mean, I think Andrew used to steal towels from hotels

and I broke you of that habit pretty quickly. That was between us. You don't do that. I think a lot of people do that and think that that's okay. I stole a... Just because do that and think that that's okay. I stole... Just because something is in plentitude somewhere doesn't mean that it doesn't need to be replenished

and that they don't own it. You know what I'm saying? Fuck the man, dude. No. It works when Taylor says it. I don't know about you. Yeah, I don't know about you either. Damn it.

I thought I said it confident enough. The other day I was at Jimmy Kimmy kimmel um green room and what did you see there was a pen that i was like oh i really like this pen and i threw it in my bag and i go no this is not my pen who do you think you are this is not your pen this is their pen and i put it back i was proud of myself because it was just one of those things where you go everything in because i was you know taking all the snacks that they had gotten for me and i was those are things that are mine to have and then i was like oh i like this pen and i threw it and i was like stop this this is this is what a person thinks an entitled person thinks that everything in a place is theirs this

is why people steal at restaurants they actually think that that it's theirs. Or that, well, I ate with it. It's mine. I want people to get caught so badly stealing silverware. That is such a tacky loser thing to do. What's the last thing you stole? Honestly. Yeah, good question. When I got caught, I think.

2006. Yeah. No, man, it was 2004 I was so it's in you either fall of 2004 or spring of 2005 yeah it was just a bunch of shit that I didn't have tags on

maybe that will get rid of the crank in your neck maybe you need to steal some bring it back Noah was saying that the fact that I can't turn my neck. Maybe you need to steal something. Yeah, maybe I need to let go of that. Noah was saying that the fact that I can't turn my neck. I really don't know what people do when they have this kind of thing where it's like, you know, I'm in bed going, Ah! Like, in bed, like, what do you do for this?

I thought it was going to go away overnight. It didn't go away. But it's one of those things that it will go away, like, tomorrow or day you'll just forget about it and then well you'll just like the pain isn't so bad that you'll remember it and then it's gone it's just gone it's like a hangover like you'll forget about it so you don't think about how to fix it i guess this is growing up it's all right to tell me why my neck is so badly it's this is just something that happens to like in ever like last night at the comedy store people kept coming up to me and hugging me and i'd be like oh they'd like press it but i would just like let them do it because i'm just like just act like

you're healthy act like your neck is fine i know that's one of the things in the back book that I read that's like, don't baby it. Don't go like, oh, delicate, because then it knows to scream if you treat it like a little baby. So I've been trying to be like, just act like it's normal. Turn your, like. You could get one of those things, the guns. Yeah, Theragun. I didn't bring it. Yeah, the Theragun would be good.

I know. I was thinking about going to get a massage with it yeah i kind of want someone to just like torture it and dig into it um just beat the shit out of the other side to like even it out i don't know how this happens they say it's like oh it's a boo you leave yeah it's not that it's something psychological for sure because i sleep the same way every single night and this would happen way more often there's no sleeping wrong is just the cop out for people who don't want to address emotional issues which it totally is and i just don't know what those emotional issues are though trying to figure it out uh okay next news story please all right a woman almost died during an orgasm when a sex position popped her aorta she stated that her legs were pressed against her chest

during the orgasm when she felt a pop in her chest with this radiation feeling to her back. Neck. Okay. That's your heart, yeah. Aorta is the blood vessel that connects to the heart. Oh, okay. I think in that area, in the chest area. She was rushed to the emergency room of her local hospital after suffering from a stabbing chest pain

with a 10 out of 10 level. The patient had a past medical. Sorry? No, I'm just kidding. She probably slept wrong, you said. I mean, do you finish your orgasm and just die? Or do you go, okay, we should probably. Like, I could see you going.

I wonder if it was part of the orgasm. Like, was it? Because my friend had a stroke from an orgasm. What came first? That was very, that stroke. Like a full-on stroke? Yeah. Jesus.

She had Lyme disease, but it was a vascular condition already, and then a stroke sent the blood, like, surging too much, and she went a little bit blind from it, and then she went and got tested and they she cut a call from the stroke clinic being like so it's the stroke clinic calling back and she's like wait why and they're like you had a stroke and she's like what and it was from an

orgasm because it's just such a surge of chemicals and blood that like your whole system gets really fucked but i so it was just from her leg this woman's leg pushing against her aorta it's got to be tough like the most the best thing in life is ruined in a way for you to at least you're going to be afraid for a while you know what i mean it's the best my friend was so scared to have an orgasm for so long oh my god to associate fucking a stroke with orgasm or a heart attack it's fucking wild. I mean, I guess people have heart attacks all the time playing sports, so I guess you could think of it.

Until it happens to you. I'm sure a lot of people die during sex. But orgasms are so intense. I mean, we discovered this yesterday, maybe not as intense for men as it is for women, but it is such an event inside your brain and like your body that I can't imagine things not going wrong if things aren't working right.

Like it just, it's like a storm. It's like a lightning storm inside your body. Like someone's got, things are gonna happen. It reminds me like when they say a thin line between love and hate, like the love is the orgasm and the hate is you dying and it's yes they're so close to each other it's wild when you're done having an orgasm do you want to like bask in it and talk about it or are you kind of like let's move on to the next thing it depends i guess i don't know. It depends on how the orgasm happened, if we both had an orgasm.

How quickly are you doing the next thing? I get up pretty quick to clean off because I just don't like cum just sitting on me. But is cum sitting on you most of the time? I'm guessing that you're either i don't come in her so i know but like who doesn't just get it in their mouth so you don't have to clean it up every time other women don't do that i literally cannot i'm not trying to be gross here i cannot remember the last time I saw a cum. There was like cum just sitting there.

I've never seen, I have not seen cum in years. It's always in me. Why wouldn't it be? It's easy cleanup. Why would you want it on your stomach when you could just swallow it? Honestly, answer this for me, someone. I don't know, man.

I don't know, dude. Yeah, it depends on who you with i guess but yeah a little bit here a little bit there but yeah it's easier but where do you usually go can you say i just usually go on on on like it depends on what we're but yeah i just pull out and i either go on her somewhere or i go on myself if i'm like getting a blowjob on my back i'm not talking about just brenda in general any woman just turn around and get it in your mouth and then you can just go back to sleep you don't have to go to the shower and clean off you don't have to you can literally just roll over and go to sleep take a sip of water do you ever like swallow right now because I feel

like this is an efficiency thing that other people are doing the wrong way I used to do that too I think just now sometimes I get lazy about it and I just like easier to carry it over to the sink in my mouth oh and spit it out instead of swallow but if it's

already in your mouth you already are dealing with the worst part the swallowing is not the worst part how far is the walk no just across the room to the bathroom yeah you know i had a girlfriend she put down a towel for us when i'd fuck i'd pull out i'd have to come on the towel like she'd put it underneath her well that makes more sense than on you. As long as it's not on you, because then you just have to go clean yourself off. I just want to be able to roll over.

I don't want to go to the harsh lighting in the bathroom and clean up. I don't want to see myself afterwards. More convenience. It's convenience, yeah. Yeah. I just swallow cum just so I can go to bed. Doesn't it fall out of you, though,

if he shoots it in you? Not wearing his whatnot. Interesting. That makes sense. I'm not putting it where he can get pregnant, mister. Yeah. Okay, missus. So, you know.

It's gone somewhere. My armpit. And this is a general he. I'm talking about God. The he yeah god yeah capital h i just i really feel like confused but you say that you've had sex for a while and you haven't seen cum in years it's so funny it's just i haven't i honestly don't know what it looks like anymore yeah i think some people like seeing it too yeah yeah people like seeing what they created they like seeing it come out of the like a volcano they like seeing the eruption i still see it how i see it because it's like above me go on

and sometimes I you know like he shoots it from like a shrimp at a Benihana like he shoots it from far away yeah I'm like a dolphin I don't know I just don't understand

because then it gets on the bed sometimes, right? Like if you're just putting it on her stomach or something, it can overshoot and get on the bed. And you have a mess. I think it's kind of hot, though, to ejaculate on someone. You know? Okay. I like how you used the word ejaculate.

I got tired of saying comma. I was just like, oh, scientific scientific this like i listened to fucking classical mozart's 45th all right next news story all right well we both should have to have sex to classical music and and talk about it on the pot i I would totally do that. That would be so fun. I think you'd be like this. I bet it would make it so fun. It would be.

It would make you feel like you're in Bridgerton. Yeah. You know? It would do. It would make me feel like I was trying to conceive an heir. Maybe I wouldn't swallow it. We should do it in candlelight. But don't tell our significant others that we're setting up. We never listen to music, so that would be very bizarre the one time I'm like,

hold on, and I get out an old gramophone player. Yeah, you start with like Jodeci and they're like... Do you listen to music? Sometimes. The Strokes is fun to have sex to. Sometimes you'll get into rhythm when you're just like... Last night

she said oh baby I feel... But then you start fucking to the beat and then you get so involved in the fucking to the beat that you forget that you're almost fucking. So you put it on before or will you start, you'll know you're gonna have sex so you cue up the music?

Because I feel like sex so much happens impromptu. Yeah, it's not so much of a cue. It's more of a minute in and then you go, hey, it's kind of quiet in here and we hear a lot of slurps. Yes. I'm always having sex in the silence i don't know why that is and i don't like it to be dark either i like to hear everything and i like to see everything but you want to be i don't like the dark but i do want to be in an elevator conversation. Don't want to hear, don't want to see, know nothing. All right, we'll take a break and we'll come back with Why Do I Care?

2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt,

or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early, well, How to Money will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right. How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. John Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast

Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups This podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Can you hear it?

It's the whisper of two wolves inside you. One says, you're not enough. The other says, keep going. You can do this. They're always talking. The one you listen to shapes your life. I'm Eric Zimmer, host of The One You Feed. On my podcast, we explore how to hear the voice that matters, the one that leads you to courage, wisdom, and love. It's not about perfection. It's about direction. Millions of listeners have fed their good wolf. Now it's your turn. Listen to The One You Feed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever

you get your podcasts. Welcome to My Legacy. I'm Martin of the King III, and together with my wife, Andrea Waters King, and our dear friends, Mark and Craig Kilberger, we explore the personal journeys that shape extraordinary lives. Each week, we'll sit down with inspiring figures like David Oyelowo, Mel Robbins, Martin Sheen, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, and Billy Porter, and their plus one, their ride or die, as they share stories never heard before about their remarkable journey. Listen to My Legacy starting January 20th on MLK Day on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Good people, what's up? It's Questo, Questlove. And Team Supreme and I have been working hard to bring you some incredible episodes of Questlove Supreme with guests you definitely don't want to miss

now one of the things I love about this Questlove Supreme podcast is we got something for everybody every type of musical ever we enjoy speaking to the people who are the face of some movements some people you've seen on stage or TV or magazine covers but we also love speaking to the folks

who are making it happen behind the scenes. And they paved the way for those that followed. You know, keystones to the culture. This season, we've had some amazing one-on-one conversations. Like I'm Pete Peel chatting up with hitmaker Sam Holland. Sugar Steve chatting with the legend Nick Lowe. And I've had pleasures of doing one-on-one conversations with Willow, Sonata Matreya, Kathleen Hanna, and the RZA.

These are conversations you won't hear anywhere else, so make sure you go back and you check those episodes out, alright? Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Alright, why do I care?

Why do I care? Harry Styles has the perfect response after getting pelted with cold chicken nuggets during a Madison Square Garden show. I don't eat chicken. I don't eat meat.

And it's cold. Yes. I don't eat chicken. Is that what he said? I don't eat meat. Is that what he said? And it's cold. Yes. Yeah, I believe so. Yeah, this is cold, and I'm assuming very old. Oh, so he picked it up. Yes. He picked it up.

And then he threw it back, right? Yeah, and then I think it's going to be a new thing that people throw it on stage, and it's so gross, but he said deliberately, I i don't eat chicken i don't eat meat and i love him for it he there's a rumor he's bald vegan champion yeah and it's not true it was disproven oh um he's the best i fucking love that kid so much he is um i i and everyone has opinion about him and olivia wild and there's like so much so many rumors going around around about this new film they're in um which looks really know about it does look so good yeah so oh yeah olivia wild as apparently said she fired shia labeouf shia labeouf was like um that's not how it went down at all.

He wrote like a very diplomatic, kind letter being like, I wish you so much success with this movie, but we both know I was not fired. And then he sent a video that she sent him being like, Shia, can we please figure out how to make this work? I didn't know that's how it got out. She called the other girl in the movie that's not doing press for the movie

Florence Pugh she called her Miss Flow she was like I wonder how you and Miss Flow like she had some kind of attitude when she said Miss Flow why Olivia Wilde would send a video to Shia LaBeouf and why Olivia Wilde would

lie about anything that might stoke the flames that are Shia LaBeouf. Like, do not just say that you went your separate ways. Like, that guy is cuckoo pants. Like, you know, I would not. She had to have seen that coming. So now it's like now this movie is getting so much press for the fact that none of them are going to do press for it because it's so fraught.

So apparently Florence Pugh was like annoyed that they put Harry Styles in place of, well, I guess she didn't like Shia LaBeouf in the first place, but then she didn't like Harry Styles because Olivia and Harry were having a relationship, which apparently did not really take place until after the fact,

which I believe. But everyone just hates Olivia Wilde because they're so fucking jealous that she's with Harry Styles. Every woman wants to be with Harry Styles. I don't care who you are. Every woman is so attracted to him. And you're jealous.

You're jealous. And so you gotta hate Olivia Wilde. And then you have to make her up to be a bad mom. And Jason Sudeikis she hurt him you don't know what you're talking about and neither do I but I guarantee you that Jason Sudeikis isn't a fucking angel in this either anyway

and she makes a good point that whenever people see Jason Sudeikis with his kids they're like he's an amazing father look at him and anytime she is not with her children she's a terrible mother and it's like it's an amazing father look at him and anytime she is not with her children she's a terrible mother and it's like it's this you know double standard that is just there it's so many examples of it like he is what he is not with his kids way more than she is not with her kids if you look at it and it's it's excusable because he's a father and she's a mother and she's supposed to be, she's not supposed to be working all the time and gallivanting with this young boy.

It's like, it's her boyfriend. Lay off. How many times does a director and a producer have to be diplomatic and be a little bit like, oh no, you know, I'm talking to you like this. I'm going to be kind to you. this i'm gonna be kind to you i'm gonna be kind to this person so then you feel like you've been warranted and like it happens all the time but it's a woman caught on video doing it like she it's not that bad what she was doing she was just she was just trying to make everything okay all the time everyone that judges these celebrities you're all such hypocrites you all do it including

myself we've all been gross versions of ourselves trying to manipulate a situation or and by the way every single celebrity couple you know got together on a set stop acting so scandalized that this director preyed on her talent do you know how many directors and cast members end up dating? All of them. All of them. Yeah. And it just so happens that this woman is getting the brunt of it

because she's a woman and he is a man and he's younger. It's like, leave them alone. Let them be. They are so cute. I love him so much.

He's an old soul, Nikki. And you know what? First of all, he kind of is, but also, they are... They're also private. They keep their relationship private. They're not asking for any of this, and they're not putting anything out there for people

to judge. They're not at all. But girls are so... Every woman I know... Is Brenna into Harry Styles, too? She likes him. She's not obsessed with him. So she's holding it back. But every single girl is Brenna into Harry Styles too? She likes him. She's not like obsessed. So she's holding it back.

But every single girl is touching themselves to Harry Styles. She's more into like David Bowie now. Dead old guy. I think she's into that. That's what I tell myself. She likes a really old dead David Bowie. Women are hiding it hard because they don't want to be the girl that likes the guy from One Direction that wears dresses. But women are

jizzing in their pants all day long for this guy jizzing for the guy yeah women are so attracted to him and they're so jealous of her it would really suck i think to be well it's weird it's like that is dating the most desirable guy in the world people are taking out their anger that they have towards shia labeouf for abusing uh i forget i'm i forget the name twigs on like they like take that anger and then they shift it to her that she's like almost just as bad as the one doing the abuse it's just like you know what i mean like i don't know it felt it feels very like i've had some crazy women dm me voice memos of like probably about johnny i thought you were on our side nicky we have talked and we see that you have liked so and so's video and that you still follow him oh my god are you serious like sounding like that

honey if you want me on your side that is not the tone to get it like i have been i i go oh i get why people stop listening to these women like that is how you're going to approach me having kind of a shift of how I who I'm friends with or who I support. Like, I'm sorry, Tiffany Haddish is out there at Chris Brown's concert being like, baby, I love you. Praise Chris Brown. Is she getting any blowback from that? Yet I still I am friends with someone on Instagram who allegedly maybe it's just like and i'm not even friends on it's because you follow someone on instagram i think they're funny some of the stuff they do is funny i'm not supporting what they do but i had this woman write to me in that voice that same voice nikki it is noted it is noted i know it's terrible for my voice she's fine she's getting the surgery she'll it's it's

fine no i'm concerned so insane i mean i was like i can't even this is the easiest way for me to just not listen to you woman like this i'm not then i'm done i like this is this is not how we're going to how i'm going to come to my senses but um yeah that was that's a real thing you can stop following your brother-in-law it's fine just stop following matt all right final thought we gotta go um it's been a good show um any any final thoughts uh you know lucy is just such a good like booker oh my god like look around the history you know

just all these guys on the wall have you seen the candy jars there they do have good candy in there oh my god we just lost him he literally pulled out his plug showing us a video of the green room he pulled out the ethernet cord well andrew go see him in nashville yesterday uh yes you're back can you see me uh did you get any of the candy

honestly they have the i'll tell you this about lucy she has the best there's gatorade beers beers, all the candy. Yeah. Anyhow, I'm here way too early. Yeah, wait, you're not there to do your show yet. I wouldn't be surprised. Andrew really likes to get there early. It's 1230. Your show's

at 7? Oh my god. Well, you can't see Andrew anymore because this is actually happening on Wednesday and his show was Tuesday, but I hope you made it out there. But you can come see me this Friday in Vegas. Benedict Pilosi will be there from FBoy Island.

Anya Marina will be there. It will be my last show before I have my vocal cords ripped out. So please come out and see it. I would love it. Thank you guys for listening to the show. We'll be back tomorrow. And Jack Reacher. Jack.

Lucy's great. Stop it. I do love Lucy. It's too much. Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have

racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money Podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in Ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors,

it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. That's right.

Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. With a blend of humor, vulnerability, and authenticity, we share our personal journeys navigating our 30s, tackling the complexities of modern relationships, and engage in thought-provoking discussions that challenge societal expectations. From groundbreaking interviews with diverse guests to relatable stories that will resonate with your experiences,

Decisions Decisions is going to be your go-to source for the open dialogue about what it truly means to love and connect in today's world. Get ready to reshape your understanding of relationships and embrace the freedom of authentic connections. Tune in and join the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out and we want this to stop.

Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, an investigative journalist, and this is my journey deep into the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy in my adult. He was like, I'll take you to the top, I'll make you a star. To expose an alleged predator and the rotten industry he works in. It's honestly so much worse than I had anticipated. We're an army in comparison to him. From novel, listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. You don't need another podcast. You've got too many already. But if you're looking for one that actually changes something, a way to take control of the chaos and find meaning,

well, then maybe the one you feed is for you. I'm Eric Zimmer, and I bring real conversations with real people to help you feed the best part of yourself. No hype, no fluff, just wisdom that works. Listen to The One You Feed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.