The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #269 Waiting For FEMA

Episode Date: September 7, 2022

Nikki is skeptical about Andrew attending his cousin’s wedding over the weekend. She also has concern for the elderly being forced to do things they don't want. After feeling insulted on some press interviews, she likely won't return to some local stations. Nikki is off to vocal surgery this week so she intentionally talks slower, Andrew and Noa aren't used to it. While her partner is away Nikki has been trying to use music to masturbate and at the same time has a new appreciation for "Daddy" Porn.  ATTN Besties: We will be putting out one podcast per week for the next 3 weeks as Nikki recovers from vocal surgery. Please catch up on the pods you've missed and follow us on Instagram for updates. -xoxo ---------- Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Get Pod Merch: Podshop.NikkiGlaser.com Nikki's Tour Dates: www.nikkiglaser.com/tour Andrew's Tour Dates: www.andrewcollincomedy.com   More Nikki: IG More Andrew: IG  More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money Podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch

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is an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex and love.

Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. Tune in and join the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. It's the Nikki Glaser podcast. It is Tuesday. I hope you all had a great Labor Day weekend weekend it is before the weekend right now that I'm recording this so yours hasn't happened yet but I'm astral projecting and you two have the best one

which sounds like I'm asking, I want you guys to have diarrhea, I want your ass to project probably some of you will after Labor Day, Labor Day always sneaks up on you i mean it does mean memorial day equals beginning of summer labor day equals no fun school starting again like a different kind of hot outside pools are closing last weekend of pools i know that's not the case anymore because it's so hot all the time and people can leave their pools later. But what do you guys have planned

for Labor Day weekend? Do you have anything going on? I'm going to a wedding in Chicago for my first cousin. For your first cousin ever. No. Yeah. It could be.

Honestly, I mean... Are they going to make it? Did they pass my test? Are they... Yes. They're in their 30s? No. Actually, I don't know how old she is.

I think she's probably close to probably 28, 29. Okay. So have they been together longer than four years? Do you know the name of the guy she really don't even know then uh jason i don't know them why are you going to this huh i mean i know about weddings is what do you know about her she has brown hair okay so you should be going to a lot more weddings if this is the requirement to go to someone's wedding you know their hair color she loves farming look my family we grew up in florida like if we grew up in chicago i would

know everything about her but we were separated well that's why you don't go to this wedding sorry to whoever this is but it's a first cousin but it's no you don't it's expensive i mean i understand people like to go to weddings let Let's leave that out of it. Most people, weddings are an inconvenience. You could have the weekend in St. Louis. Now you got to go up to Chicago for this wedding. I'm not trying to be a negative Nellie, but this girl does not know you.

She would not recognize you. Yes, she knows. We are closer than that. But you'll say hi across the room for two minutes, and that will be the extent of it for you being there. No, we'll grind. We're going to grind. We'll be grinding on the dance floor.

The cousin-cousin dance. It's cool because we don't know much about each other. Yeah, you'll get to know each other. Your family does communicate through grinding. No, my cousins in Chicago are awesome. We play sports together. We all enjoy each other very much. So what sports does this girl like to play with you?

Again, there's other cousins there. You know people in our building from the elevator more than you know this cousin. Let's be honest with ourselves. No, that's not true. It's not true. Pat? Do you have a role on the wedding?

She farms. And Marissa? Do you know them better? She likes farming? No. Does that mean she lives on a farm? Yeah. Just because someone lives on a farm because yeah just because someone lives on one doesn't mean they like it no she works she loves it that's what

she does she works at this restaurant i forgot it's what it's called it's like blue something it's like that very famous restaurant that has like farm to table it's like outside of new york i forget the name of it but that's where she works and she like lives out like 40 minutes outside the city pretty much on a farm and that's where she works and she like lives out like 40 minutes outside the city pretty much on a farm and that's where they're projecting but i just think weddings are obnoxious when you have to have your whole family there and then the bride's night is completely ruined by talking to aunts who are going to die or cousins who are going to die within months and they have to get on planes like you see all these fragile old people flying across the country

having to sit on the plane for 40 minutes after it lands waiting for someone to come with a wheelchair they're so in pain they're sitting in middle seats also they can go to some girl's wedding and that who's in their 20s and they just sit in the corner all night and people come up and scream at them as like you know neo is playing loudly in the background like it's it's just all so jarring for these old people and i'm including you in that i think it's i think weddings are obnoxious i think this girl's i'm sure this wedding is going to be awesome and that it's required that you know first i hear what you're saying and i know it's funny but i think like

these old people it's it's like their Super Bowl to some of them. They're like, oh, I can finally get dolled up, and I can travel, and I can see my family. I understand that if they're mobile. Because they're just eating soap. If they're mobile old people. When they are in wheelchairs and being forced to go, they do not want to go to a wedding. No, I mean, yes. Of course it's like-

In Vermont, where they have to sit in a car, and their bones hurt. Their bones hurt. I mean, this I can be almost certain of is that old people do not want to go to your wedding, 20-something-year-old girl who has the option of divorce now when your grandma didn't. So your grandma's looking at you like, wow, this is going to last forever when you now have so many more options

than that old bitch did. And she resents you for it, probably. You get to vote and like wear your hair down like up and ponytail sometimes your grandparents pushed you around they did it i love my grandparents i just feel bad for old people having i just think weddings are dumb you know i think this i think they're a waste of money i think they are um just you know i get it though because it's it's a celebration and I'll probably have one someday too and eat crow. But I just want to say, like, I think it's dumb that people, like second cousins, cousins who you've only seen once.

Like, when was the last time you saw this girl? I mean, really had a conversation with her and spent some time with her. Last time I was in Chicago. She she's also much she's also younger so like the other cousins that are older than her i get along with all of these things oh so it's for more of her like siblings it's an age thing too it's not just like uh you know when you have a cousin that's i'm just saying if the most important people in her life are on a list you're not on it because and i'm not saying that to be offensive it's just this whole thing of like but family comes first it's like you took this spot of someone probably at the wedding where she no

no no i think you're like you're like assuming a lot of things right now well i mean and i get it it's fun but it's just like they have you have to invite our cousins and you're like mom i don't even know those people and i know you know her but i'm just saying this okay so maybe this is a different situation for you but i still suspect this girl having a conversation with you will be a task of the night that is like is not i mean you're fun to talk to so it won't be that bad but there will be a task of the night that is like is not I mean you're fun to talk to so it won't be that bad but there will be people like you that are first cousins not that interesting

who she doesn't want to talk to I mean you've got stuff going on Brenna's fun to talk to too but there will be people at this wedding based on you being there that this girl does not want to have conversations with and it is her wedding night and she wants to dance and eat and have fun and she's gonna have to

talk to some you know her uncle like her uncle it's not really her uncle it's like her dad's friend from childhood yes it sucks i get that look you're talking to someone you represent that to me and i'm not like yeah well i do have the wood tooth um but i'm not like one that's like rah rah weddings like my buddy had a second wedding i had to buy a suit for him and pay fucking $800. Like it's insane. That shit's insane. Yeah. Well, it's hard.

Why? I've said no before. And when I was in high school, I was playing my last football game in high school football, which I've given so many hours, so much time to. And then my other first cousin was getting married. And everyone's like, you got to go. I go, I'm not, I've given everything to this. I've met her twice.

So in your defense, I chose football and people wanted to spit in my face. Like my mom was like, how could you? Huh? Are they still together? I don't play football anymore. Oh, you made a bad choice. It's the only time they get to do that.

Why didn't you see that their love would be lasting? Were they in their 20s? No, no, no. They were lasting. They are lasting. I know. Why didn't you see it? You should know.

Oh, I saw it. I was like, oh. They're both kind of interesting. She's a veterinarian, actually. The one now or the one back then? The one back then. You know that veterinarians kill themselves more than any profession? I think I've probably told you that a million times yeah i'll let her know that's like a reminder when i see her you should say that i say to vets all the time because it's kind of giving

them like a like hey you are uh in combat i can't like you you commit suicide up there with like the other vets you know what i saw you know what i saw that was interesting the student debt stuff how everyone's like a lot of veterinarians the other reason why they kill them is not just because the dog's putting them down you want to say that do you want to say that profession one more time huh can we just say the the veterinarians i think i think that's a way that to say it what do you say veterinar Veterinarians? Yeah. What did I say? Veterinarians?

Veterinarians. You just cut out the middle man. Who needs that er? First of all, doctors, six letters. Let's shorten it down. It's not doctorator. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Okay, so wait a second. What about, so the veterinarians were saying about the debt thing? Yeah, that's the other thing. They don't make enough money to pay off because their debt is almost as much as fucking doctors. And it's like, they don't ever pay it off.

Yeah, so they're- I know, they're the best people. They get into it for the love of animals. And then they have to put them down all day and witness horrific things happening to animals. And they have to watch people. Yeah, and it can't be this. And they watch people, yeah, losing their animals that they either love or bringing in animals that they do not love.

And they can't do anything about it to take it away because it's too much legality to like actually, you know, dog protective services or whatever is harder to conjure up than cps maybe i don't even know but um yeah i i love veterinarians so much and yeah they should be able to board planes before all of us just with all vets can we go back to weddings for a second i have a question yeah please yeah i mean noah's getting married at some point yeah but it'll be at least another year none of my cousins are coming to my wedding because because you're an adult yeah yes you're an adult who knows who doesn't just follow tradition blindly you make it it's your night to actually socialize in the way you want to, not please your mother. How many people are you going to be at your wedding, Nick?

So many. But they'll all be people that I want there. Is TV Bob's kids going to be there? Yeah, I love them. I grew up with them. I know. Honestly, probably not. Because I don't need to waste my time.

No offense, Emily and Brian. If you want to go, sure. I'm sure you'll want to because it's going to be fucking dope. But you are not guaranteed to talk to me longer than two minutes that night. I might wave at you across the room. Why do you think everyone wants to talk to the bride so much anyways? I don't know. Because we're the prettiest in the whole thing.

And we're wearing a big white dress. And we look so beautiful and happy. And the spotlight is always on you. And you're all virgins. Yeah, and we're all pretty virgins who are going to bleed that night for the first time, and we're going to lay out the sheets so you can see that we're a pretty little virgin

and that we're pure and that our daddy sold us the right way. Oh, God. I'm going to bleed for the first time. It's so stupid. It's so gross. Oh, my God. When I was watching the princess documentary

about Princess Diana, part they just skipped over. I'm sure you didn't even catch it because it was so subtle. I can't believe even I caught it. He said when Charles was promised Diana by Lord Spencer, he was assured of her virginity. And it was like, what? How did he assure it?

She maybe got checked by a doctor who probably enjoys that inspection a lot. Fucking, I've been watching too much creep porn. Jim is a fucking doctor. Yeah. Fucking prick. All right. Wait, I had a question.

What were you saying about wedding? You had a question, yeah. Have you ever been a bridesmaid at anyone's wedding? No. Like your sisters? Because I have great friends who would not make me do that. I was in a wedding.

I was in a wedding. A couple of them. I got asked to do a best man speech. I denied it. Oh, really? Why? Nerds. Not getting paid enough. They wouldn't put you up at the fucking...

The best man condo? You don't think i'm a badass for denying a best no i don't because that there's something going on there that is not about this is before stand-up this was before stand-up oh so it was before i like talking in front of people so i was like well that marriage did not work was it rusty's i'll blink twice yeah that did not what if you were young enough to not been doing stand-up yet that marriage did not want to know for whatever i ended up doing this thing you skipped it i did a speech though anyways and i and i told the whole crowd that she's pregnant and they haven't told anyone what What? That's fucked up. I didn't. I didn't know that it was.

Did that take? I just jumped off the dock that the wedding was on. I don't know. Wait, what happened when you said it? She just looked. I caught myself. So I was like, something in the, some kind of, it wasn't so direct where I saw the look in her eye of pure anger. And I was like, wow, this isn't going to work out for them.

Did people gasp or anything? I don't think, it was, people were very hammered. It was on a dock. I don't know if anyone heard me. Oh, okay. I made fun of her for not cooking. And then I said, well, something's cooking. Something like that.

Something along those lines. Oh, my God. And then she gave me a look and I was like, yes. You should have put an oven joke in. Oh boy. This is a common thing. Comedians are very bad at giving speeches, best man speeches, sincere speeches, eulogies.

Every comedian I know is deeply uncomfortable with it. None of us like doing it because it's sincere and the expectations are so freaking high that you you cannot everyone's like oh the comedian's getting up you never will be as good as they want you to be it's just it really is and you don't work on it hard enough because you don't care because it's your fucking friend who you don't really talk to that much you know but um i have a speech i followed a guy doing spoken word like about his dead dad for like five minutes and then people were like how you gonna you gonna be able to follow that i'm like i don't what like what am i getting like

you know what i mean why was their deaf poetry jam at a for a dead poetry oh because it was like a brother of the bride or something. And they were talking about their dad. And it was like so good. It was like literally like Eminem like good. It was insanely good. Fuck. And they're like, are you going to be able to follow that?

I'm just getting drunk. Like, I don't know. I was like, I don't fucking get away from me, Cousin Steve. And did you follow it? Yeah, I did great. Okay. I just read. So you did great. I just read. So you did great.

But it didn't feel good. I didn't feel good until it... I did good, but I didn't like the experience. I'd rather not give a speech. I don't like doing it. Have you ever given a speech? You had to do a roast or something.

Yeah, I gave a speech at Catherine's. I've told about this before, but I gave a speech at katherine's i've told i've told about this before but i gave a speech at katherine's wedding still together um and i just like to say that you know because i really don't believe most things work um and i said i made a joke that i was barren during it no one laughed it was really awkward and then um i did one for my sister and i think i just covered this on a recent episode with chris but i told um i was describing that my sister was always even though she was younger she was always the more responsible one the one i kind of looked up to she knew that santa wasn't real she was like the one she was younger than me and she was like nikki santa's

not real were there kids and um yeah there were kids that found out Santa wasn't real. Yes. From me. Yeah. And they were crying in the bathroom afterwards. Like pussies. I'm just like, you had to learn sometime. Someone is going to be the bearer of that news, and it should have already happened to you anyway. Don't be at an adult function.

Are there signs on walls at adult functions where it's like kids present make sure you keep the lie up like i i can't retain that lie forever someone came up to you though after and was like hey you kind of ruined sand no it was very clear like all the there were a bunch of kids that like ran off and were confused and um and then it was the big joke of the night but it was also like they were kind of you know like oh she is just too much you know like she had to push the boundaries that's what always happens is that I

say something people expect me to be inappropriate and like do something outrageous that like makes it about me and ruins the night and I never want to do that because I obviously think everyone's thinking that or I'm going to be,

I'm going to be dirty in an inappropriate setting. And then they, I always find a way to be dirty. Like the other day I was filming a show and it was for a network show. Very squeaky clean. The host couldn't even say the name of my special. He wouldn't say the name of my special. My name and my special is good,

clean filth. Yeah. He couldn't say it. He was like my name of my special is good clean filth yeah he couldn't say it he was like i'm gonna let you say that yeah there's nothing dirty about it that's how like you know puritanical this uh set is and um i won't say what the show is but i was like can i get a d i want a d so bad was like, well, that didn't sound good. Do you remember on Dancing with the Stars? Yes. Something like that happened as well? Exactly the same thing. Oh yeah, there's a new wordle, celebrity wordle coming out.

Dancing with the Stars, same thing. I was so scared of saying anything sexual because everyone kept saying you better watch it. This is ABC. We know what you're up to. And then Tom Bergeron asked me nikki you know what's it like does comedy prepare you for dancing at all and i was like well i've had a lot of bad sets in my life and everyone gasped and groaned and i was like what and he

stepped away from me like well there she goes and i go what did i say and i go oh no no no no no bad sets with sets we call like it was dumb me making a like jargon word that i think everyone knows people don't know that the comedians call it sets it's not in their head and so it sounded like i was saying i had a lot of bad sex so then i changed it and i go well i've had that too tom and then everyone was like she did say it and then everyone was like, she did say it. And then it was like, scandalized. Everyone's so fucking Christian. It's so gross. It's all fake. Just this fake shock.

I'm not someone who's like, canceled culture, but it's like, this permeation of just puritanical, like, really like, I don't know, like Bible th bible something like you can't say damn you

can't say anything that is so dumb it's so dumb and it's for nothing and it's all the people at the top that are decreeing this are all pedophiles man it's so ironic but they don't say shit nikki they're committing sex crimes at the top of all these institutions all these men are power hungry to fuck children and just and or if they're not doing that they're greedy motherfuckers who are just skimming poor people of their money and spending it and they're they're criminals and yet when i say a blasphemous term, it is like I should be sent to hell. When you have all of these lying charlatans at the top. I love religion because I think it gives people purpose and community.

But when it starts to impact, like you can't say certain words. I'm not going to say fuck in front of a kid on purpose. I did the other day accidentally and I felt terrible about it. I'm never trying to like wait, wait, wait. What happened there? What happened there? I don't want kids to know what happened with this fuck in front of a kid at the Jimmy Kimmel thing.

I was with kids all day, you know, and then it was in between bringing kids over and I like dropped a water or something and I was like, oh fuck and I was like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. And there was like a mom and a kid like waiting on the side. I was like, I'm so sorry. And she was like, oh, we don't care. And I was like, oh gosh i'm so sorry and there was like a mom and a kid like waiting on the side i was like i'm so sorry and she was like oh we don't care and i was like oh thank god a fucking cool kid but it's just people are so in the industry for a long time he's been through way worse than that it's just uh yeah it's it's i i went through i'll talk about it

after we get back from break but i'm a little bit fired up about all this like nikki glazer's dirty stuff so we'll hear about that and even whether or not you want to after we get back from break, but I'm a little bit fired up about all this like Nikki Glaser's dirty stuff. So we'll hear about that and whether or not you want to after we get back. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Ooh, and I am Matt.

And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early, well, How to Money will help you to change your relationship with money

so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right. How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and In Your Ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out. We want to raise awareness and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn and I'm an investigative journalist. When a group of

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Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager. Responsible and driven, and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places.

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Listen to CRIMS as part of the Michael Dura Podcast Network. Available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party. Your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour, like LPGA superstar Angel Yen. I really just sat myself down at the end of 2022, and I was like, look, either we make it or we quit.

Expert tips to help improve your swing, and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. The drinks were flowing, twerking all over the place, vaping, they're shotgunning. Women's golf is a wild ride full of big personalities, remarkable athleticism, fierce competition, and a generation of women

hell-bent on shanking that glass ceiling. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports & Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Elf Beauty, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. I did four press interviews yesterday, back to back, 20 minutes each, which seems like not that much but you're talking to someone new it's for like kt

lv like you know las vegas local um today show type things and every single one of the interviewers negged me by saying either because i would say you know oh this is my last show before vocal surgery um or i'd say and so i was like and they're like oh so you're gonna stop talking are you able to do that or they go there's one that was a huge lag like i would say it's nice to see you good to see you too like it was that bad and so i said hey before we begin the lag is so bad conversationally this isn't gonna work and i know that these people are working so like doing interviews all day with people that aren't even interesting i go i'm just gonna steamroll and pitch the show and you jump in if you absolutely need to but do not i hope you just don't think that i'm not including you but it's just too much for us to talk back and forth it might be better

for me to just pitch the show and give you what you want and she goes oh you're blaming that on the delay i'm used to you just rambling and i'm like are you kidding me right now because it's my job to ramble like don't stop acting like this and i've had it with a certain male comedians too where i start talking backstage and they'll start laughing to another man like because they're so used to laughing when a woman might be a little bit opinionated like here she goes again and i just turn to them and i go i do this for a living so i'm actually good at it I know I can be a little pedantic sometimes or a lot pedantic, but for this, it happened in four interviews in a row, either saying one guy goes,

I just watched the Comedy Central YouTube video of Get to Know Nikki Glaser in Eight Jokes. And I was like, oh, how was it meeting me? And he was like, not uh not something i should have watched at work and i go why were you blaring it on your speakers like what was i it wasn't pornographic in on visually like put in your headphones and he was just like well it was just really dirty and i was like but did anyone hear it at work it's not not safe for work did you have the captions on like yeah stop shaming me about being dirty the thing is people cannot fucking

handle that they are dirty and they want to talk about it so bad and they're so ashamed of it that when someone does it they have to make you feel bad about it because they don't get to talk about it and they're sad about it but it happened to me i had to do like meditate in between because i was getting so like self-hating yeah of like i'm disgusting i ramble no one wants to hear me i'm like i'm doing your show giving you content i'm way more famous than your show deserves me to be on i i'm sorry it's just a ktlv you should be very happy i'm on not that i i'll do anything that's fun but guess what i'm not coming back to these shows because i get insulted when i go on them or when i finally stopped stop talking they go so when you got on did you did you

when you got on did you uh did you call him out on the nagging or did you just no it's not worth it it's it's like the thing where a guy grabs your ass when you're in line doing meet and greets calling it out you get an apology that doesn't really mean anything or if it does it's just too much of their energy that you have to go i'm you know it was actually me i'm coming like yeah i'm sure it's a little bit me like i'm a little bit too sensitive the best case scenario is this doesn't bother me at all because it doesn't fucking matter i was on the girls chat in between the interviews kind of spiraling like i'm getting really insulted by these like people who kind of wish they were me i think is the problem here because i know when i get like

this it's because i wish i was that person or i'm jealous of something they have um and i was like yeah they have to do a show they have to do a show where they have to be like good morning how you doing i hope you're having a good time out there it's 75 degrees oh the raiders did good last night huh marie and she's like yeah my husband hasn't gone down on me in six months you know it's like it's just like they're so wanting to fucking just talk like because i bet you they're at the bar going i fucking ate this girl's pussy last night or they're like you know they're just talking like this fucking guy he can't fuck with and then they go oh and then they gotta be fake and that's the anger probably where

it comes from you know the girl that like kept saying that i was rambling and talked too much you can tell she wants to be a comedian and she is funny and that's that was the problem was that she was trying to neg me she was trying to like roast me a little bit yeah and it wasn't the place for it i was so this happens a lot i was gonna ask if like when you do interviews especially with someone that's new or that you don't know, do they do you see them trying to be funny as opposed to just like interviewing you? No, generally they know their place, but sometimes they are funny. Like this girl probably could be a comedian. You know what I'm saying? She just hasn't done it enough to know when it's appropriate to make the jokes that she is capable of making. So she was sliding in jokes in what I thought was a sincere interview. But she was maybe so scared of being roasted by me based on what she's seen of me that she got defensive right away and starts insulting me. And so I need to remember that going in, that this person is just trying to match whatever

energy they think I'm going to have. And there was nothing malicious in it. Like the other night, my friend and I did an event. And afterwards, it was Ben Glee. But afterwards, he was like, I was deeply insulted by this person and how they handled things and insulted me. And then got my name, like said my name wrong, all these things. And I was like, Ben, they were trying to be funny. This person is a funny person.

And they are a little bit awkward as well because aren't we all? And they say mean things to connect with comedians. It's like a thing people do. That happened to me this weekend. Yeah, you've had it happen right like what did the person say so i i have a quick joke about growing up where you know with no jewish people like it was just yeah me and then whatever so the joke is about like did they fucking come at you so after the show i'm talking to uh like 10. And this guy comes up. He's a relative of a friend that I don't even know him that well.

Yeah, I'm going to his wedding. I'm actually best friends. I just spent 30 grand. I'm in debt. I'm going to be veterinarian. So I go to him. I'm going to be veterinarian. I like it's not even odd.

You took the A out. Yeah, you got to shorten everything. Veterinarian. And so then he goes to me. He goes, you had that one juke one joke about no jews our school our high school cost thirty thousand dollars i was friends with a there were a ton of jews there and i'm like okay first of all okay we get it again like like you're calling me out i'm like when i was there i'm 15 20 years older than you there were no jews there i'm not making i'm not like like like making up a false premise of like oh they're gonna look into

this and realize i actually went to school with a thousand jews like what are you doing in front of people attention well i found out a little bit that he's a little maybe on the spectrum and then once i found that out i was like okay this is you know yeah you can kind of do that with everyone that pisses you off in any way you can just go because it was so clear when ben came to me about it i was like oh i've also experienced this kind of thing with this person where i'm like ow whoa yeah yikes and i realized oh this person's just this person is funny they just don't know how to we they they just got a sword and they don't know how to use it yet you know like they have a really good sword and they don't and so it's like impressive that like they even are capable of making these jokes

but you go ah wow that is it's you're not know, it's like you have a good cut of meat, but you burn it or whatever. Like it's, so, and I was like, also like, this person has nothing against you. And that's what you got to remember is that most people's intent is not to hurt you, which, because most people are not sociopaths or psychopaths. It's 1% of people. Yeah, he's a nice kid.

It's just, yeah. Most likely a person trying to hurt, is not trying to hurt you and um but so i had to talk through it with these like you know after four in a row and i'd have 15 minute breaks of like just sitting here being like i do talk too much and like why am i even doing this show there and like i'm i was trying to give them interesting interviews i was trying to make it look different i'm like kind of lounging in a way that I'm like, oh, someone sees this on TV. When you got on, you should have been like,

oh, no, what about you? Like, what's up with you? That's a really good point. If I was capable of that. If you were just like, so anyway, enough about me. Oh my God, I have an idea to do. Do you have a show tonight? You should have been like,

do you have a show for 1,500 people tonight? Oh, you don't? Oh, I have an idea to do. Do you have a show tonight? You should have been like, do you have a show for 1,500 people tonight? Oh, you don't? Oh, I do. But what would you be like if you had that? Yeah. Oh, you don't? Oh, I talk too much. I do too much of the thing

that is literally the only thing I do on stage that I'm required to do. Literally, there's nothing else. Do you want to see me dance? Do you want to see me sing? Do you want to see, like, I don't do, that's all I have. And it's about to be all i don't have um i was thinking about ben glebe actually was the idea behind this he was like you should do asmr uh episodes of your podcast when you're

recovering because i won't be able to talk um or fast. How loud could you talk, you think? You think you could talk here? I think I could probably talk like this. It's kind of nice. And anyway, I think it'll be good. Well, yesterday I tried to do just five minutes of what it would sound like to do a podcast in ASMR. And it is so difficult to talk this slow for me. Oh, you have to talk slow? Can you talk soft and fast?

Because then at the end of it, I start just talking like this. And it was just like, no, wait, wait, wait, no. You got to go slow. But I realized you really get, it's almost meditative because I got into like, I could see that my thoughts are 20 words ahead. And I'm having to ditch out on what i've planned for 20 words ahead because i'm not going to get there in time that i'm going to remember that so it keeps you present on every word like sam harris as opposed to yes and i realized sam harris is able to use

bigger words maybe because he talks slower um but it is it was very very hard but i i do know that you know my um doctor said when he was listening to me my surgeon was like first of all you know healthy healthy like the surgery or not you need to slow down talking you talk too fast really yeah he was and then we got into promoting my dates you need to slow down talking. You talk too fast. Oh, really? So he's even coming after you? Yeah. And then we got into promoting my dates that I was canceling because he was going to scrape out my cords. Look, he wants to be a comedian too.

I mean, he probably does. Everyone does. It's kind of secretly. And he's a funny guy, but no, he was like, he wanted to talk to me. I brought my mom to the pre-op interview thing because he just wants to hear your voice how you use it i mean this guy can hear

everything and so we were just talking about my life and he was like right away i gotta tell you slow down slow down and i was like i hear you That is going to be so hard for me. So I think doing ASMR once, if I do a couple to ease in, it might be the perfect thing to get, you know when you wear like a leaded vest to run and then when you take it off, you're somewhere in between where you were

and like strength wise, if I ASMR, it's going to be pulling me so far the other way that maybe it might slow me down in general. But I cannot go the rest of my life talking at the speed I talk at. It is not whether surgery or not, it is ruining my life. And I didn't know. So it sucks that I have to slow down now

and talk like someone who's in slow. To me, it feels like I'm sick right now now and talk like someone who's in slow. To me, it feels like I'm sick right now. How slow are we talking here? Like this? I'm talking like this, like this slow. Like this is a normal way that people talk. It sounds weird for me, but this is how you talk. This is how Noah talks.

I'm so used to hearing you talk every day. It sounds like your internet is slow and you're lagging. It like there's a problem but this is the way that other people talk hearing your voice like this i it's funny because like i was like i kind of want you to speed it up yeah i know people might be wanting to put it on two times the speed but this is the speed generally at which other people talk and i need to slow down to the speed and it is very hard to do it's like going through a construction zone on the highway for me where you're like it's funny being your friend sunday and no one is working on the construction zone so you know it would be fine but you still have to do it because you're scared. My God.

I'm going to really try to talk this speed the rest of the show. Let's just see what happens. And I'll talk like you. So being friends with you, it's like, so you talk like, no, I can't even do it now. I'm just saying like that. Try. Just to fill in the words.

Well, that's what I do too. I sound drunk. When I talk to people that live here in St. Louis and talk like this. You don't have to slow down. No, but when I listen, I listen to you on eight times speed because that's how you speak. So when I talk to someone else that I know their story, I know their whole story by their third word. So I have to sit there and a lot of times I'll fill it in because I can't kidding me. I can't do it either.

That's I, I don't know why I'm getting an accent. Maybe that'll help me slow it down. But when people talk, I am like, get to the, I know what it's, I know what's happening here.

I know what's, I complete people's sentences all the time and I will have to say, I am rarely wrong. And I am aware of how annoying that is, but I always check myself like, is this going to be annoying because I was wrong about what they were going to say?

And I rarely am. I kind of see it coming. But I think even if you're right, it's still wrong. It's still annoying. It's still wrong. It is annoying still to do it. I know it is. Even if you're I think even if you're right, it's still wrong. It's still annoying. It's still wrong. It is annoying still to do it. I know it is.

Even if you're right. Even if you're right. But I don't know what the cadence will be because this sounds so forced. But I feel like if I practice meditation, if I practice ASMR, the lilt of my voice will naturally slow down. Like grandparents that you see at the wedding that you force them to go to. They talk slow, not because they always have, but because it's harder to think of things

and to get them out. So naturally as you age, you're going to slow down your speech pattern um i have to start that process intentionally now and i have to become every comedian i fucking hate who i do want to print up people's specials and do a word count and compare them to mine so that when people go yours wasn't as good as this person's, I can go, well, actually,

I fit three specials into one. So slow it down, and then maybe are three specials as good as that one person's? Because I said three times as many words, and had three times as many jokes. Were they as good? Maybe not,

but that's arguable. Do you want something slower? Yes, sometimes you want something slower, and that in and of itself makes it enjoyable. But I like quantity over quality. You're going to start talking slower, but you're going to say the same amount. So your next special will be seven hours.

My special is going to be six hours. Like these podcasts are going to be, we're going to get through like one half of a topic but you're gonna say you think we didn't get through the news before we're not going to get to uh yeah it's nothing's gonna happen on this show um yeah it's i don't i don't know how i'm going to function in this world my brain just needs to slow down a little bit. But with that being said, we could get to the news if we want. Do we want to try it?

Let's go to the news. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. Oh, man, it's Tuesday, folks. You know what that means? It is Tuesday. Hope you're having all the swells out there. I'm about to because I'm going to a great wedding where my first cousin,

she has brown hair and she's really cool. Back to you. Once you saw her in Chicago a couple months ago. I think. Which is enough. If she had to invite everyone she saw a couple months ago for an hour. I'd be top 25. I'd be top 30. Top 40. 50.

Casey Kasem. Alright. While you're in Chicago would you like to know some fun facts about orgasms yeah I love it I have a list of fun facts that you may or may not know

I had a couple yesterday yeah so a study yeah found that our ability to orgasm comes from our parents our dna could be responsible for anything daddy i'm sorry could be responsible for anything from a third to 60% of our ability to climax. It really creeps me out. But what does that mean?

What does that mean? You are in your, what you're going to be is in your grandmother. You were in your grandmother already. Your mom's eggs were in her egg when she was in your grandmother as an egg. Oh, wow. You weren't in your great grandmothers but you were in your it's just creepy that i was like in my grandma's little body in the 20s you're great like it no great grandmother my mom was in i was not in that one it's only two two back i didn't know that can i just say um this gets us on the topic of porn which i want to talk about i have just embraced daddy porn i uh did not look at it for a while because i thought

it meant that i want to fuck my dad or that i that that my dad was going to pop up in in the middle of it for me in some way or that it meant something about myself. Yeah, pop-up ad. Papa? A papa ad? The pop-up ads I get are so gross with old women. Old horny women is always what they give me.

So wait, how old are these daddies in your porn? No, the porn I like, the reason I like daddy porn is I like, I think it's someone and their dad. It's not about me at all. I'm not projecting myself into it. I'm horny from, and I don't really like it to be her dad. I just like it to be someone she trusts like loves her but is in a position of power is a bit older is instructional is like someone I like the dynamic which I've requested many times

of like a respectful gangbang and I feel like the word daddy implies I care about this person and so it actually is maybe what I've been needing to google this whole time because so much of the porn I get and enjoy the acts are so mean to the girl and I've always been looking for this sensitivity and this almost like pride and like a father has so much pride for his daughter in everything she does so it actually is one of my words now and i have no shame about it and it's interesting because i have i have a lot of shame about stuff on porn that i'll be like oh no that turns me on like sometimes i'll think it's a woman and then the woman will have a penis and i go do i like trans porn like what does that mean about me that I want to see a trans woman fucked by a guy or whatever and but she has uh but she has a penis does that mean that I

have a peanut like this stuff that I do in my brain that makes me feel morally ambiguous because I like I'm and yesterday I just realized like how do I I do not operate this way outside of sex judging what I like what I don't like why it's not hurting anyone why is it a problem that I'm turned on by anything first of all this trans woman looks better than most women. I thought it was a woman. Not that that even fucking matters. There happens to be a dick there. There's a dick anywhere, anyway, right there. It's just more dicks. It just looks like she's wearing a strap-on of sorts.

It doesn't change it at all. And so it's interesting for me. I think so much of my porn, I didn't realize that I was fighting so many of the things that I was naturally drawn to in porn because I didn't want to be that person that likes that thing. And yesterday or this weekend, I guess, past couple days, I've just kind of given into it and started searching the words that I used to avoid so much. Daddy, not trans, but like daddy or like femdom i'm like does that mean i'm gay it's like no i like women that are kind of telling women what to do sexually because they're nicer women seem to be nicer to women and porn is lacking a niceness and i'm craving that and the way to get

it is to you know daddy daddy or fem doms. Because male doms are generally, like, mean and calling you a bitch. And fem doms are like, oh, are you sad and scared? I think you're going to be a good little whore. Like, they're more supportive like a teacher. Rami Youssef has had a joke about, like, seeing porn and seeing penises he likes and he doesn't like and like being like oh wait is that gay to like a certain that means i like a certain kind of you have a preference yeah preference if you were to be penetrated by one you'd have you'd have a you'd want a good looking or what i find you'd want to weigh in on the deck yeah yeah less vain i guess but yeah yeah

it was just an interesting way to look at it like there's definitely been porns i've turned off because the penis wasn't right for for me in that situation is it too much not like yours or it's too just there's some ugly penises out there that are just not like that don't turn me on i you know wow but i've never seen two penises. Sometimes the ones that are ugly are huge. The ones that are like, they look like they have like tumors or something. Yeah, it looks like the Hulk. Because they're so big.

Yeah. But then there's that, there's the part of it being that big that's kind of interesting where it's like, Jesus Christ, what's going to happen here? Yeah, the tallest man in the world, you want to look at it. I hate James Dean dean he's a popular porn star who is in fucking everything i've heard he like didn't he like rape women and like wasn't he like i've just heard stories that he is not that like he just and and i i used to be very turned on by him because he was aggressive but also like. And now I see it as he is usually the one in a gangbang

who is doing most of the mean things, starting the mean, like pulling her hair or moving her legs in a way that's just treating her like a rag doll, which can be hot. I don't want to slut shame. But I've just, you know there were allegations about him and then um you know further things like now when i see his name on something it can be the best porn that would be right up my alley will not watch it even though he i think is probably

the hottest guy in porn and i did have a friend who did porn and said yeah working with him was the hottest thing of my life because i hated him and we used to like hate fuck each other as like it would be like doing you know it was like um in the notebook ryan gosling and um what's her name like hated each other rachel mcadams on set that she thought he was like a cocky like hot heartthrob guy that thought he was cool and he probably thought she was stuck up actress and they like hate each other and it turned into this like way hotter thing they ended up dating so i do remember my friend saying that of like i didn't like him and but i would love to do scenes with them because we both hated each other so much and we both knew it and we would take it out on each other in the scene. And so that's really hot to me.

Um, did, are we going to get to the, I'm sure there's going to be more that comes out of it by the time this airs. Did you see Kanye was that he's claiming that porn is what ruined his marriage is that he's, he was addicted to porn. I saw that.

I believe it. I definitely know that it is on my list of things that i do to not feel my feelings and when i can't smoke weed and i want to or i can't cry and i want to or i can't eat and i want to you know let's do porn because it's like it's a distraction it's faster than watching some show that i'm not into yet like but it also takes a while like all the browsing finding the perfect yes typing in what he wants to see in porn but just adding with yeezys on like everything it's like i want to see girl eat her ass with yeezys on. I wonder what porn he watched. Because I do wonder if it's like you, like you just pull up whatever

or if he was as obsessive about it because I feel like people who... I think he's probably obsessive. But actually when you become an addict, you kind of take what you can get kind of. You just need the fix. So I bet it can go either way. But I know people that watch porn all day long. I can usually

I usually have one orgasm and then I go, I want to keep going because it feels so good. And it's like, I want more of that. But just everything I'm watching just turns instantly to black and white television of like, this is not interesting to me anymore. None of this is good.

It's so funny. Brain chemistry is fascinating after you come. You see them. I actually see like come you like see them like like i actually see like oh that's a person like like when you're really horned up you're just like seeing like it's like a i don't know and then once you come and then i'm just like oh that's all right this is kind of weird why am i here i just go oh god like i'll go back to the window i'll go to instagram after i come and then i'll go back to and reddit to go just on my nightly reddit crawl yeah and then it'll be like just double penetration like in my face and i'm like ah like it is so jarring and seconds ago it

was what made me have the best feeling of my life um it's so fascinating i did try to masturbate last night to um just music and my in my memories yeah what was it mozart's 48th what were you saying something like that um no i i've done it before but i tried to get back to basics what was going on in that head of yours i was trying to conjure up you know um i was really trying to think about my relationship because i want to be like as i want to be like so anticipatory of when i finally see chris that it's like the hottest sex ever um for us as a couple and i do miss him so much so i'm like trying to you know i don't generally fantasize when i'm masturbating about my boyfriend. No offense to him, but it's usually like a... His brother. You know, I'm not...

He has a brother, so I can't say that. That's even a joke. Oh, okay, his sister. He has one of those too. Okay, it's them. Fuck. His second cousin. You know her?

I've probably met them as well. His cat. So he... So I was trying to do that and i put on um like dave matthews because that is the sexiest music to me say goodbye i put on yep i put on say goodbye i put on crash i put on um and then i was just like a playlist or did it just no, I was just kind of going through the old albums of what used to warm me up. And then I just cannot sustain a fantasy. Grave Digger? Don't drink the water.

Because I can't even cop. When his voice gets like this. Oh, it's so hot. He's so freaking hot. I can't stand it i'm really sorry to be a woman that is talking about how hot another guy is but like dave matthews is it's still for me the hottest person that's ever like i i just can't my my childhood or like my teen, like I will never feel that horny for someone. It's like Chris often says,

like the love he felt for his like first high school girlfriend. Like it's not repeatable because it's this young, dumb love. Like it just, you wouldn't even want me to feel that way about you, Nikki, because it was just like, I thought I was going to make,

like it was just young and dumb, but it was unbridled. And there's something beautiful about that. That is how I feel about Dave Matthews it is just this um yeah when you saw him that close in person were you like analyzing like was he as attractive to you in person yeah yes yes everything everything paid off like could you see him though or were you seeing like a mirage of him? His knee was two feet from me, bopping up and down with his hand on it. And I was just staring at his hands, thinking about how many times I had looked at those hands playing guitar and was like, I want to get fingered by them.

It was all of those fantasies were happening for me. He does play the guitar pretty like it's pretty like right yeah you know dave matthews fucks good and cares about a woman's needs it's just undeniable i don't know that i would love chris to talk about someone like this um so i'll just stop but i think this is mainly my just like 17 year old nikki glaser coming out of like what i used to fantasize it would be like to be with dave mat Matthews. So do you feel like it's kind of a threesome to listen to Dave and then have sex with Chris in your mind?

Like you're having your like... That's what I was saying. It couldn't... I wasn't even... I didn't know what to think about when I was doing it yesterday. So I just put on porn. I was like, this is very confusing. I can't... And I'm not someone who can like pull up a fantasy. I just can't do it. I can't either. Right'm not someone who can pull up a fantasy. I just can't do it. I can't either.

Right? My ADD brain. Yes. People enter it that I don't want to enter it. Not in a hot way. Yeah, daddy comes in. Yeah, or step mommy. Or cousin.

It's just like, why is my brain just, yeah. Oh, you got to put your phone on do not disturb. Because I mean, I've gotten a text from you before when I'm masturbating and I just go, no, get out of here. Or like just like, pardon tomorrow, 11 o'clock good. And I'm just like, I just lost it. You can't be in here. And I'm like, fuck, I forgot to put it on. You know, you get it all.

I get like, Nicole, it's Nancy Pelosi. It's not looking good out here. Like I get it all i get like nicole it's nancy pelosi it's not looking good out here like i get like all texts all the time um yeah you got to put it on do not disturb uh we will be right back with more show after this 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year it's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities i'm joel oh and i am. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky high credit card balance because

you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early, well, How to Money will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right. How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. It's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners,

like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out, we want to raise awareness, and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, and I'm an investigative journalist. When a group of models from the UK wanted my help, I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy model.

Lingerie, topless. I said, yes, please. Because at the centre of this murky world is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his pattern of behaviour. He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it. He's everywhere and has been everywhere. It's so much worse and so much more widespread

than I had anticipated. Together, we're going to expose him and the rotten industry he works in. It's not just me. We're an army in comparison to him. Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager.

Responsible and driven, and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened,

and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls, and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community, and I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps. Listen to Crumbs as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network, available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party,

your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour like LPGA superstar Angel Yen. I really just sat myself down at the end of 2022 and I was like, look, either we make it or we quit. Expert tips to help improve your swing and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. The drinks were flowing, twerking all over the place, vaping, they're shotgunning. Women's golf is a wild ride full of big personalities, remarkable athleticism, fierce competition, and a generation of women hell-bent on shanking that glass ceiling. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment.

Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Capital One, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. All right, Noah, tell us more about orgasms. Okay, this I think you'll find very interesting. People who have suffered lower paralysis and can't feel genital stimulation sometimes find they can achieve orgasm through stimulation of other body parts, such as the skin of the arm or the nipples. One woman who had become paralyzed from the waist down at the age of 30 said she was able to climax when touched in a spot on the trunk or neck just above the region of

injury huh i really obviously i think that this is possible because i found an erogenous zone on my neck that I think is gets, makes me feel more horny than, um, than my clit at times. I'm not even joking. You like breathing on the back of my neck, like here, which,

you know, when is that ever happening? It just happened one time. Um, you know, on a subway when there was a creep. No, it was, it just? It just happened one time, um, you know, on a subway when there was a creep. No, it was, it just happened. I think one time in bed, like we were just cuddling and he was just like kind of talking into my neck and I was just like, I couldn't even say anything

because I was just like, what's happening? Like it was as if I was being touched on my vagina for the first time. It really felt like this is the greatest thing i've ever felt in my life um and i think i probably could have just come from that i mean it led to other things but that was what i mean what other places on my body i mean your senses your sense if you're not getting whatever you can touch that's going to be the most sensitive spot you know what i mean like if you're if your genitals aren't open my shoulder blades i'm just well you had other options i'm like if you're if your genitals aren't open my shoulder blades i'm just well you had other options i'm saying if you were out of options with your body parts wherever you if you only had a head it would be what's the hottest place to touch me on my head like if you

just had a head i'm not kidding you dude it was like but it was like a concentrated area that was as sensitive like gave me the feeling of my clitoris which has a thought you know maybe millions i don't know science of nerve endings yeah and let me let me just please say again if you are masturbating and you are not lifting up the clitoral hood to get to the clit which there is a covering of your clitoris so many girls do not know that they need to even lift that up and i would venture to guess most men do not know they think that's the clit itself that like little bubble gum thing you need to lift that up to get i think those like i think i've hooked up with the girls before and they they don't because they don't know no no no it's too

much when i go then you're doing too much well then you just like blow on it and be gentler but like you need to expose but i'm saying though over the hood like that it could yeah it could yes that can be better but yeah over it can be good andrew's holding the peace you know like when you do this i think a lot of girls are missing out on pleasure because they think that's part they think that's their clit. And they're like, why is it not working? And they're trying to put chapstick on with a cap on. I love that.

This happened to me. My friend texted me. She bought the womanizer. Did I tell this? She bought the womanizer. And she goes, where do I put it on my clit? Where's my clit? Do I have to lift up the thing? And I said, yes said yes and i go how is this not in the instructions and it

wasn't there no one's educating women about this it wasn't in the instructions for the womanizer womanizer get your fucking shit together and have an instructional booklet that goes beyond ikea drawings and like gets in there and actually shows women what the fuck to do i bet there's like how-to videos really obnoxious and then i googled it and there's fucking not there's not really maybe if you scour but like you go to any kind of like how do i masturbate like if you write how do i masturbate as a woman the top searches i looked none of them mentioned lifting up your clitoral hood they just say find your clit andit. And it's like, well, most women don't. Let's talk about, they say men don't know where the clit is, women don't.

If someone's like, change your oil in your car and the first step isn't lift up the hood because they just assume people might know it. You know what I mean? I know, they do. But all of it looks kind of the same down there and clits look so different. You don't know.

But yeah, it's like a little Marcel the shell. It's a little snail, and it has a shell on top, and you've got to peel back the shell, at least for me. I mean, otherwise, it would just be sucking on this chestnut down there, and the meat is underneath. It's so insane. Lift it up. I have a show tonight in vegas

september 2nd thanks ktlv oh my god yeah i didn't get into that yesterday i avoided all those areas the second you know you think you get a little sex the second you say something with an innuendo they go yep there it is there she is we knew should lean into it and be so fucking dirty on there where they're like, look, we can't have you back. It's like, bitch, I don't want to be back. That would be a nice send off.

But I don't like to be crass. I don't like to like make people feel uncomfortable about it if they really don't like it. That's the thing. It's like people, that's what I don't like about people assume that I think I,

that I like offending people, which is, you know, it makes sense that they think that, but because i've done roasts and stuff and the point of those are like to say the meanest thing those people have signed up for it you know like i man i wrote a joke last night where it's trashing someone and they didn't ask for it and it's a celebrity and it's someone i kind of know and i'm like i can't fucking do it it's such a good joke though i'll tell you some yeah i'll tell you later it's so good i'm gonna do it because i'm just too i just hope it doesn't get back to them but i'm gonna do it and it'll probably end up in a special because i can't help it when something's funny and i actually don't believe the insult i'm saying i'm making

a joke that someone is bad at their job but i actually think the very opposite of it so um i might have to change the celebrity though to someone who's more secure they can maybe know that they're great and they don't need to question it but um oh man also I had another joke last night that I wanted to make I forgot to do it I'm talking about um how I because I'm 38 and my fertility is probably plummeting right now. And, you know, not that it matters to me cause I'm not trying to conceive or I don't

really want to have kids. I still want to want to be able to, you know, it's like the, it's like wanting to be invited to a party that you don't even want to go to. Like it's that thing. It's like for me and I,

I found the perfect analogy. I want to be asked to go to Chappelle's Farm, but I do not want to go. I would feel afterwards it would be a lot of work. I would probably feel worse about myself at the end of it. I would be honored that they

think that I belong there. I want people to think I'm fertile. I want to be fertile, but I do not want to go to the middle of Ohio and hang out and listen to people drunk pontificate and have to act like, Oh my God, these are like, you know,

these people are geniuses, which they are when they're not like wasted. And I'm like in a room with a bunch of cigarette smoke being like, well, that's and having to laugh at everything they fucking say, even if you don't think it's funny because it's Chappelle and and he's a genius and like you have to give it to him like i those remember during the pandemic all the comedians were going to his farm and like it looked like they were the chosen ones and i was so jealous but then the second i go

wait a second what if you got an invite the panic that went over me of like oh my god i've got to hang out with these people all weekend and act like interested in what they say and act like i know their music like there's like certain you know the wu-tang clan is there and i have to like learn all their names and like study their catalog it's gonna be so much fucking work for me to feel cool that weekend even though i want to be cool enough to get it to get invited oh God, the story of my life. Yeah. You always want these.

But yeah, so yeah. I mean, it's interesting with women. I was talking to Brenna about it, but you go from having your period to menopause, which are both extremes, right? There's some time in between. Where you stop having your period? Oh, like you go from having

your period for you know 30 years to then or 40 years yeah and i don't know i just find those extremes that's a little hard i mean it's tough for like anyone to but like i i hate the fact you get a break from bleeding it's like now you're gonna have hot flashes and now no one wants to fuck you and no one wants to really listen to you, and you're kind of put out to pasture. And some people still like you, but it's just because they're being nice to their grandma because they have to be.

Look, she wants to go to that wedding. She might get some dick there. Grandpa died a long time ago. Yeah, being a woman, yeah, the bleeding thing is insane. Final thought. So you're going to a wedding in Chicago. There's going to be dance. I mean, it is fun.

Dancing, food, just people watching. I mean, there's great things to be had from that. I mean, I see my family so rarely that. And your family will be there. They're cool as shit. Not to mention the ones that you don't know, but the ones that you do know. Yeah, they're cool as shit.

Like my Chicago side... No, she can't go. And I bet she's grateful. Yeah, she's like, finally COPD works out for me. Finally emphysema is great. Finally I don't have to do the hokey pokey or what like someone's not gonna pull me out into a conga line with my wheelchair

oh my god because we gotta include her dealing with the airport is that's what i'm saying man oh my god people force old people to do this and make them feel obligated and they don't enjoy it i'm sure there's some that do and put up with it and they're sweet and they sit there and on the flight and they wait and they have nothing but time. But I think it is a very painful process for a lot of old people.

What are you doing this weekend, Nikki? I am going to Vegas tonight in two hours. I have to pack. My room is disgusting. It looks like I'm waiting for FEMA to show up in here. It's so bad.

It's awful. And then I get in. I'm going to sleep all day, I think, because I didn't get much sleep last night. And then do a show. And then I fly to St. Louis on Saturday. And my friend Graham Bensinger, who has a show called the Graham Bensinger show is following me around all day I fly in and I land and I go right into hair and makeup and then um he's interviewing me and following me around all day we're going on a run we're going to my

old high school um to do like a you know um you know a report on me and then he's gonna come to Boston for my surgery and cover that. He's interviewing my surgeon. So he's doing like a whole piece about my thing that just so happened to materialize out of the fact that he wanted to do a piece on me anyway. And I was like, oh, I'm actually having the surgery. So I can't do the interview at the time where we thought. And he was like, well, can I cover the interview?

And so, yeah. Did he reach out to you, Andrew? Yeah, I talked to him yesterday okay yeah and he was saying something about asking if i want to be on camera for something next week but yes no you're interviewing my friends and family too yeah he he's a he's a good dude he's such a good dude yeah he it was nice getting whatever anyhow. Anyhow. What? No, no, it was just nice getting to know him. He became like someone, I forgot even, I met him through you. And I've gone over, we went out to dinner the other night with him and his girlfriend.

Yes. And it was just, I don't know, it was a fun time. They're a silly couple. I don't know, I can't really get into their their couple but she's like a neurotic jewish doctor and he's like he's a little neurotic in his way but i don't know they're just interesting together google graham bensinger he you probably watched his youtubes of him interviewing every celebrity i mean he interviewed tom hanks kobe like mainly sports people yeah he's done everyone big time people yeah yeah yeah big big big time but he does it out of st louis um that's where his operation is

very successful i'm honored to be on a show i went on a date with him during the pandemic um we went hiking and it uh i hope that we can talk about it because it's a very, it was very much. If you want to get to know me, that story of going hiking with me is a very perfect indication of the type of person I am, which was like, he thought I was going to be like this fun, chill, like I'll take this girl on a hike.

And I was not having it. And I was really at this point where I was like, I, if it's going to work with me and this guy, he's got to know this. I'm not going hiking like this I was like, if it's going to work with me and this guy, he's got to know this. I'm not going hiking like this ever again. Or if it is, it's like for his birthday when we're like married or something like I cannot. And so I made it very clear I was not trying to be like, I like it.

This is something like I wasn't like on my best like date behavior of like, I just want to be the girl this guy wants me to be. I was just like, he needs to know the truth. And I was like, I want to be the girl this guy wants me to be i was just like he needs to know the truth and i was like i hate this i hate this i really don't like this i'm not going over that puddle it's too deep like and he just i remember him going like oh boy are you serious he was just like so he was he was honestly pretty tickled by it he was just like, so he was, he was honestly pretty tickled by it. He was just like, you are so funny. Like, I didn't see this coming. He was like shocked. I kind of liked his reaction. We, we knew almost right away that we were like, it was a friend vibe.

And so it was just, it was nice to cut it with like, you're a lot crazier than I thought you were. Like, that's how he felt. And I was like, and you have too much land around you that you want to explore for me to ever explore this relationship um so i am looking forward to that and that'll be out at some point um but everyone i hope you had a good labor day we will be doing um one show a week during my recovery uh with um you know we're gonna pre-tape them so they won't be like totally topical, but I don't think it'll matter because, um, my life's not going to change much from the time that I stopped talking

because, uh, so you will still be getting content. It'll be weekly, like most podcasts you consume, um, instead of four times a week. And so until we maybe add more shows as my voice improves, expect that for the next three or so weeks of one week per one episode per week and I hope that's okay and I will still be active on Instagram doing you know Buster Keaton Charlie Chaplin type things

discovering physical comedy yeah I can see that for you right so tune into that please stay subscribed to the podcast keep supporting it. Watch old stuff. Listen to old stuff. Yeah.

And we love you. Don't be cut. And Jack Reacher. Your voice is calling. Jacked up vocal cords. Jacked up voice. Damn, oh, damn. Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help.

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