The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #27 Control Y

Episode Date: May 6, 2021

Between you and Nikki she is psyched to go on tour this summer. Andrew comes in singing and very quickly he and Nikki look more into his "asterisk". You Heard it Here First! A good amount of friends, keyboard shortcuts and the best way to hold Nikki. They Finish Each other's sentences and Andrew shares his joy of being in a relationship in the Final Thought. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour, tips to help improve your swing, and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production

in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apples, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. That's right. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. With a blend of humor, vulnerability, and authenticity, we share our personal journeys navigating our 30s, tackling the complexities of modern relationships, and engage in thought-provoking discussions that challenge societal expectations.

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Listen to the Good Moms Bad Choices podcast every Wednesday. On the Black Effect Podcast Network, the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you go to find your podcast. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hello. How's it going? I'm trying to turn up my volume because it's, I got a new computer and I don't know how to turn up the volume. Hold on one second. Oh, there we go. Oh, Anya Marina rocking in my ears. Anya is so freaking good. She's going on tour with me this summer, besties.

As you know, I announced my tour. Maybe you don't know. I was supposed to talk about it yesterday. There's a lot of things I say I'm going to talk about and then we don't get to. I realize it later on in the day when I'm in the shower and my mom's wondering and I'm like oh wait I didn't follow up on that thing so uh classic uh glazer unexpected cliffhangers uh all over the pod and uh just bear with me on those I'll get back to them and if I don't you can always dm the show on instagram or you know be like hey you said you were gonna

follow up on this thing and you didn't um I have ADD and I lose my train of thought a lot uh but what I was going to wait what was I just going to say you were gonna announce your tour okay the tour okay because literally as I was saying that I thought of four things that I wanted to follow up on and then I couldn't remember the first one that is how my mind works the tour just announced it I have so much going on and that's not to be like people don't usually announced it. I have so much going on. And that's not to be like, people don't usually my mindset when I have so much going on, I'll get to the tour in a second. Don't worry. I won't forget is to go. I have no one understands my life. Like there's only, only my assistant understands truly how much stuff I have to do. And I have to say, by the way,

I have a new assistant. And yesterday I think we were both giving each other, like I was just telling her how impressed I am with her work so far because she's just killing it and I'm very happy uh with her and and impressed you know because it's not easy to take over someone's life and just do it very seamlessly and she said back to me thank you so much and she was like I can't believe how much you do uh something like what did she say I want to read because honestly, I just said that I was just going to say that I don't look for validation. Like I do so much, but I'm just about to tell you guys how much I do. Just so you all go, wow, Nikki, you do a lot. And Noah, you know how much I do, but I forget that it's a lot.

And to me, I don't ever feel like it's enough. The ironic thing is my biggest like insecurity is that I'm lazy you know that's my biggest uh like fear about myself is that I'm lazy and um she wrote to me oh I said thanks for killing it so far as my assistant I'm really impressed she said yay I'm so glad I'm really enjoying it all I'm impressed by you and how much you do and that to me was just like okay I got a little confirmation that I do a lot from someone who I know knows what a lot is. Cause when some people say it to me, my mom says it, I'm like, she's just impressed that I've ever done standup once

or that I can like send two emails like that to my mom is like a lot, even though my mom works very hard in her own way. So she can't really, when she gives me a compliment, I'm just like, yeah, it's hard work to you because it's just, you can't imagine, you know, uh, replying to a text that has been sitting in your inbox. Parents with their texts alerts, like you look at your parent's phone and my mom has 622 new text messages like in her eye, like that she just didn't see and i'm like oh my mom doesn't not love me my mom because she didn't text back to that you know announcement that i i don't know i i always i tell my parents pretty much everything but and they always give me so many good accolades but so when my mom doesn't write me back if that's not when i feel unloved

sometimes but that's just another thing of it is like my mom doesn't not love me when or or like does it it's not that she doesn't love me and she doesn't sometimes I feel she doesn't love me enough but that's not because she doesn't love me and that's just my interpretation me being a little bit more emotionally needy than most people and that's okay that's who I am and my mom is just trying her best and she doesn't text back anyone how do you have that many but i have many unread emails which people look at my emails how many i have thousands 3188 right now unread emails and i have a filter on my inbox that is already eliminating 80 of my emails a lot of people get stuck in that filter but it's

called sane box if anyone's looking for something to take over their email and get in there and just give you only the good stuff because you just can't unsubscribe from all this shit, SaneBox, I pay like a hundred and something bucks a year. And I only get emails that are important. And the best part is, is that sometimes an important person emails you and it goes into like the... Because it goes, we don't recognize this email if it's a new email it shoots it to your all mail so i got to check that once a week but sometimes they you get a really important email from like a famous person that wants something or like is like wants to connect and you sit on that for a week because unintentionally and then you're horrified because you're like oh my god this famous person wrote me

you write them back a week later you've just got a week of looking cool for no reason or looking like you're fucking busy when really you would have done anything to get that so it actually it benefits me and then when you miss someone's email you can literally be like it went to junk when people say that most of the time they're lying i do not lie however so that's a nice thing i'm going on tour um july 30th i think is the first date we kick it off in I forget where I think it's like San Antonio or somewhere that's a hilarious city to kick things off in but starts in July 30th the the list of shows is just alarmingly long I think it's like 34 cities that I was able to count kind of haphazardly on the phone yesterday when i was talking to my agents um so many cities you

guys i'm fucking pumped i gotta be honest in the past when i've gone on tour like my i've done one theater tour before it was in 2020 i got through like 14 dates of it and theaters are very different than clubs i've been doing clubs my whole life clubs are fucking great i miss clubs you don't make as much money as clubs at clubs and you got to work harder you know the club you go in on a third you start out as a comic you go on like a thursday you do thursday through sunday then you get more famous and you only have to do thursday friday saturday then you get a little bit more famous only friday saturday for me i wasn't loving that as much or later in my club career because i like like make you know I like a routine by the

time I'm in Cleveland on the fifth night I have like a place I like to eat I like to go to the gym at this time I have my little spots I know my way around little downtown you go in and out of the city you can't really get a feel if you're in for one night but that's what this tour is it's called one night with Nikki Glaser sometimes I am doing two shows or two nights so you know but it's really only it's about what I wanted to encapsulate in that title. I was originally going to name it. What was the original name? It was funny.

Coming for myself. That was the original title, but it just felt too like me, myself. It's all about me. And I just didn't like, if I saw someone's poster that I'm like, I've seen that girl before. Like this is what I was trying to target with the name.

I've seen that girl before. I recognize her from some things. I can't even tell which I think she was on a Wendy's commercial like that's what they see where they go if they can't really place me and they're with a group of people and they're in a college town or something and the the the poster is up on the fucking phone pole and they're like oh wait is that and they go coming for myself oh it's like that's funny i guess she's talking about coming but wait a second and then i have this picture where i'm like me it's just like stand-up is already so self-serving i don't want this to be one night about mice like i don't want people to

get that vibe even though that's all i can say is my experience i don't want to tell someone recently said that my stand-up is like a big lecture and i'm like oh that doesn't feel good i don't want to tell people how to live i'm telling you how I things that have made my life better in the funny ways in which they have like and that's my new this show is going to be like uh you're gonna feel better about yourself it's gonna open you to some ideas you hadn't thought of before as you guys are already aware of because you listen to this podcast so I'm begging the fans to come out because you're gonna hear things that I've brought up on here that only you and I have heard and talked about together that you're gonna see on stage like fully formed because you're going to hear things that I've brought up on here that only you and I have heard and talked about together that you're going to see on stage,

like fully formed, or you're going to see like, I was there when that I heard when that was the first said. So I think it'll be cool for you guys. I want to meet you. There'll be VIP tickets available in which we'll find some way to hopefully touch and take a picture and talk about, I don't know, talk about you because i'll talk about myself a lot so it's called one night with nikki because i wanted it to have my name i love that i'm like i was trying to get away from myself and so i put my name in it but it's not like the titles were like i need people i am a brand so it is important to put your face and your name and everything and i'm at the point where i'm really proud of what I am, who I am. I like who I am.

And so I'm excited to be like, I'm Nikki Glaser. There's some things I've done in the past, like I was saying yesterday, that I'm ashamed of and I wouldn't like to be associated with anymore. But that's all a part of me entering into a business when I'm a child and still feeling like a child. So the tour is so many cities. Let me just, we start out in, uh, San Antonio, Atlantic city, Edmonton, Monterey, California, Napa, uh, Wisconsin, Florida, North Carolina, British Columbia, Washington, Manitoba, New York, Georgia, Iowa, Missouri, Illinois, uh, North Carolina, South Carolina, Wisconsin, again, Ontario. I mean, I could keep going. You guys, there is literally 10 more cities. So go to NikkiGlazer.com slash tour. Check out my site, NikkiGlazer.com for all of those tickets.

And the pre-sales started today. And you can use promo code one night to get pre-sale tickets. And it's really important to me if I know you're like, I can't commit to it now. I understand that. And but if you if you want to buy tickets, they are expensive. I realize that they are a big ticket item. And I appreciate so much anyone who pays to come see me. And I don't want to assume everyone can afford these prices because they are theater prices. And I wish I could offer you some financial aid in that.

But I don't have a infrastructure to get that going. But someday I hope to because I want everyone to be able to afford to see me. But the good news is if you miss this show, I will be doing a special again in the next year that will be out in 2022, hopefully early, and then you will get to see it then. But if you do muster up the money to come see me, I'll promise you to make it worth your money. And as always, if you DM me and you're like, I can't afford to come or whatever, let me know and let me see what I can do for you because I want to set into motion some kind of way that I can give people something and they don't have to pay for it. Because as always, I love Sam Harris. I talk about him a lot.

I have no affiliation with him, but he offers his podcast is behind a paywall. He doesn't have advertisers and his meditation app waking up, which is the best way to start meditating. If you're someone who's like, I could never meditate, but you're looking for something to really help you with your depression or your anxiety i promise you this meditation course is very gentle it's called the waking up app and um he does it all it's all you pay for it the app costs money unless you don't have enough money if you just write into the web address or like the email address at the end of his app thing it's amazing that he does this and you say anything,

you just go, I want it for free. No questions asked. They will send you a code to give you the podcast, the full length podcast for free. You can get 40 minutes of the pod every week for free, but the full length you can get for free. And, um, the waking up app, which is like, I pay for all these things because I can, and the people paying support the people who can't, which I think is a lovely system that also my therapist used to use. And I ended up paying a lot of money. But I also, she was like, it supports the people that I let come to therapy for free. And I love, I love acknowledging the luck and privilege that has led me to be able to afford things.

So I hope to someday create a system where I can give back to people who can't. And that's why I always say, my message today, tip very well. It feels really good. If you can afford it, tip. And if you can't afford it, come see my show and I'll make it worth your while. It'll be a good thing to spend money on. There's going to be musical guests. There's going to be special guests. My parents might come along.

It's going to be wild and fun and interactive. Let's get Andrew in here. He'll be there the whole damn time. One Night with Nikki, NikkiGlaser.com slash tour for tickets. And here comes Andrew. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with

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Listen to Crems as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network. Available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The OGs of uncensored motherhood are back and badder than ever. I'm Erica. And I'm Mila. And we're the hosts of the Good Moms Bad Choices Podcast. Brought to you by the Black Effect Podcast Network every Wednesday. Historically, men talk too much.

And women have quietly listened. And all that stops here. If you like witty women, then this is your tribe. With guests like Corinne Stephens. I've never seen so many women protect predatory men. And then me too happened. And then everybody else wanted to get pissed off because the white said it was okay. Problem. My oldest daughter, her first day in ninth grade, and I called to ask how I was doing. She was like, oh dad, all they were doing was talking about your thing in class. I ruined my baby's first day of high school. And slumflower.

What turns me on is when a man sends me money. Like, I feel the moisture between my legs when a man sends me money. I'm like, oh, my God, it's go time. You actually sent it? Listen to the Good Moms Bad Choices podcast every Wednesday on the Black Effect Podcast Network, the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you go to find your podcasts. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party,

your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour like LPGA superstar Angel Yen. I really just sat myself down at the end of 2022 and I was like, look, either we make it or we quit. Expert tips to help improve your swing. And the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. The drinks were flowing, twerking all over the place, vaping, they're shotgunning. Women's golf is a wild ride. Full of big personalities,

remarkable athleticism, fierce competition, and a generation of women hell-bent on shanking that glass ceiling. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Capital One, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. Did you know that companies hire the most in the first two months of the year?

Or that nearly half of workers are worried about being left behind? I am Andrew Seaman, LinkedIn's Editor-at-Large for Jobs and Career Development. And my show, Get Hired, brings you all the information you need to, well, get hired. People are forming opinions of you even before you log into the Zoom or walk into the room. And so you really have to think about what is it I want to display. You don't plant a garden and then just walk away and expect it to thrive. You are in there pulling out the weeds. You're pruning it.

You're watering it. It's the same thing with your network. You should always be in there pulling out the weeds. You're pruning it. You're watering it. It's the same thing with your network. You should always be in there actively managing your network. If you don't feel confident to say a number, even admitting that to a recruiter is going to be far better than saying, well, what is your budget for the role? A lot is in the follow-up, right? Don't wait to follow up. Whether you're a new grad, an established professional, or contemplating a career change, Get Hired is for you. Listen to Get Hired with

Andrew Seaman on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you like to listen. Andrew, welcome to the pod. Blame it all on my roots. I showed up in boots. What is that? Garth Brooks. I was listening to it in the other room. Yeah, what are you doing? Sometimes you're just in your room um hi everyone andrew's here and uh we're in our living room right now last night we were hanging out if you you want to see some of our like roomy interactions i i think we're going to start posting to our instagram story a lot more i think we should just like randomly i just feel so

safe talking to our fans and like showing them literally anything i like i so i think we should just post a lot more i'm gonna at least try to i think i'm gonna show the tail on my butthole to my to just the fans the diehards that we should do a close friends for my hour yeah we we should do we should do a close friends sorry no i wasn't seeing you we should do a um we should do a close friends for the nikki laser pod that's making it even more exclusive for people who want to see your butthole. But know that we can't upload buttholes to Instagram, even if it's private. I don't know.

I have enough hair. They won't know what it is. It could be Google images of the Grand Canyon, aerial shots of the Grand Canyon. Is that what it looks like? That's what I always picture when you talk about your butthole. Because you told me some day it was like there's not a hole it's just like a space yeah it's like uh it's it's very vast like if the world if if a um earthquake happened and like the ground split like tremors is that it uh seriously will you draw it for me really quick

yeah like what you think your hole looks like it's not it's not as rough as you would think it's more um okay i'm getting i'm trying to think what it's like it's not as rough as you would think. It's more... Okay, I'm getting up then. I'm trying to think what it's like. It's not really like a Grand Canyon. It's like if you had like a sponge cake gone awry. What? Like a hole in a sponge cake, maybe.

Like you stuck your finger in a sponge cake? I just want to see. Draw to scale as well. Okay, to scale? Yeah, like we're going to put it on a scale and weigh it. Okay, so a normal butthole is probably like this, right? No. A butthole is like this.

Okay. Hold on. A butthole. He drew a circle about a little bit smaller than a dime, you guys. And I want to say that that's a gaping butthole, but the hole is always closed up unless it always looks like an asterisk. You just drew tic-tac-toe. Yes.

I drew an asterisk like a star, like C down below. And that I did. I drew an asterisk, like a star, like C down below. And that's why your asshole is an asterisk, by the way. It's an end note. And it starts at your nipple. You just put a little asterisk by your nipple, and it says C, my asshole. My butthole is like, and then there's like this, and then there's like a tail thing. Literally, he drew. And then I'll do some of these things that you do so around okay so you

guys you know the part of the starfish that's like pink that girls bleach so his has like little bumps around it that i'm guessing are hemorrhoids yeah they're hammies right those are the hammies and then what so where did were the fissures and is your butthole different because you had anal fissures so i had a fissure surgery which so if you've ever had a fissure it's a little talked about it it's a little tear in your butthole and so what they do is it's the worst pain known to man cried i cried like the word it's one of the worst pains listed whenever i read reddit things it's like what's the worst pain you've ever felt fissures is always up there if you if you have actually a pebble and it feels like literally a boulder of bees just stinging my asshole.

So every time you shit, it would go through those open sores in your butt. It was just one cut. A fissure is one cut. Or maybe it's multiple. So what they do, which is wild, which doesn't make any sense to me, they rip your butthole so then it relieves your sphincter to, it relieves the, because what's happening is your butt is spazzing. You're so tense.

Yeah, because it's constantly in pain. Spazzing yeah i'm spazzing is when i was on the treadmill at that gym and my friend said you're still a spaz that girl from high school yeah i think she was just referring to my that you're like my asshole yes i was like your asshole it like presses in the buttons too fast seven miles per hour three incline but for some reason like we talk about dicks we talk about pussies all the time it's so accepted but when you start talking about the asshole people like whoa whoa not the butthole like i feel like the butthole for some reason yeah because women get hemorrhoids all the time after birth get childbirth and we do know we're saying hemorrhoids by the way we do know that

it's hemorrhoids it's a way like It's a jokey way To say it so don't write it and be like you guys are saying Hemorrhoids yeah women get them too And I think that it's really good to talk about The butthole I was Talking about shaving my asshole hair Pretty early on in my career And I feel like it was the first one

To talk about shaving my asshole And then regretting it and feeling like I believe I said then the hair grows back right away and it feels like two really like scruffy bearded dudes making out by your asshole and i don't want that gay shit going by by going on by my asshole oh i go and then you gotta put a wet paper towel between them because i don't want that happening down there i don't like my asshole's a homophobe and i was like ironically my asshole doesn't like gay shit like i made my asshole there's like homophobe that's like dudes kissing because that's what it feels like your ass cheeks

rubbed together and it's two guys with like you know it's like mr miyagi's hands but with if there were hair no there's hair no i know but now i shave my asshole just every day like i just it's the easiest swipe you just go and it does grow back but it doesn't hurt as bad anymore i used to get such bad razor burn back there. I don't want to see my, like, girls do it because, I guess, doggy style. They want. No, we just don't want hair back there. So you guys don't say, oh, I fucked this girl with a hairy asshole.

It's you guys. It's more that. I agree. But as a guy. Also to prevent toilet paper. What? Oh, really? Because it gets caught in the hair more?

Yeah. So you don't get those little balls i think sometimes my asshole like i will put my finger up just to like get in there just like get whatever's maybe in there like i go a little hard and it will grab the toilet paper and it has like a it almost looks like my asshole is a toilet paper dispenser because a little part rips off it's like and it's the same kind of like way a toilet paper or a tissue paper is what i meant do you know i mean yeah tissue paper like comes out so it looks like my ass with a tissue paper dispenser well

it's nice to know if if the pandemic hits hard again we can always have paper dispenser yeah it's nice to know you got some build up over there no assholes i was reading last night on reddit you guys there was this reddit that it was um uh what's the the people who work in porn what's the darkest thing you've seen or the dark side of it and it was it actually made me realize i probably have a uh porn uh bordering on addiction porn habit that is like just you know i have to face the facts that like i shouldn't be watching the things i'm watching and i'm not watching anything that's illegal obviously it's all kink.com and black draw which everyone thought i said black draw because a lot of listeners a lot of besties well i did because it's like yanny and laurel i did say black that's what

someone said is the new black raw and black draw are the same sound exactly in your mouth it's like michael cain when you say my cocaine you say say his name in his accent. Or alligator juice. What's that? I love you. No, that's your mouth. Olive juice. It's olive juice. No, but there's like, watch, look at me.

Wait. It looks like you're saying alligator juice because I know you're saying that. So I can't see anything else. I love it though. I love alligator juice. It's olive juice, right? Noah, don't you know that i love you the mouth is olive juice i know it has elephant shoes what what's going on you got alligators you got elephants because

you is i mean is that israeli uh phonetically like or uh by how many i want to hear what other people thought i love you was mouth is Is it alligator juice, elephant shoes, or olive juice? I also know that four, three, wait, wait, four, wait, one, four, three is I love you on like the code that used to be like the pager code. And now I think there was something recently you sent me, Noah, that the code for it was one, four, three. And I was like, I love you too. Right.

Didn't I say that about you? Yes. And I was hoping that you got it, but, and you did you did wait so can we go back to the darkest thing the people see in porn yeah i want to say and and and a big thing was anal prolapse like they've seen girl i mean there were tons of stories and i i hope that people maybe go look at that i think it was an it was this in the subreddit ask reddit like darkest thing you've seen in porn it was from um it was very popular two nights or like last night so that was on uh tuesday night so if you want to go back and find it but it uh had a lot of harrowing stories i learned about a girl

named cody lane c-o-d-y lane who did a anonymous uh ama asked me anything about porn and revealed that she was raped in a video and I found that video and she's anonymous if you know well because people speculated who it was and people go yeah it definitely was her and she is now dead she died in a drunk driving accident this girl was raped by her stepfather when she was eight um got into porn ended up doing the shoot where it was a gangbang and she didn't want to do it her boyfriend kind of manipulated her into it and then it turned into just like the whole time she was just being raped and that's my problem is i watch a lot of gang bangs and sometimes that's why i like black draw is because the girl is always very excited

and the guys are very kind but these other gang bangs sometimes man like you're like i know this girl said in the interview before that she's playing a part and she wanted to do a fantasy of her being like you know hardcore gang banged is the name of them. And I avoid them because they're just too they make me think the story of Cody Lane. So rest in peace, Cody Lane. Thank you for sharing your story of the porn industry. But a side that's also sad in a different way is just these girls do so much anal porn that they're like they're they prolapse. And that's a thing that can happen.

And they've had medics on set just push it back in and just use a different hole just so they can get through the shoot because it's almost over. Because I watch a lot of porn happening in that area. Like a lot of it. That's kind of like one of the main things I'm into. And I like anal sex.

I've said it before. I talked about it. It feels good. It's dirty. It's like so taboo. There's so many good things about it psychologically and both physically for me, not everyone.

I kind of like the pain aspect of it maybe a little bit, but the thing is these girls, sometimes I'm watching them and they are getting so like, it's so much that there can't be, there has to be a medical repercussion to this. I get fucking yeast. I'm not, I don't get yeast infections,

but I feel like soggy and kind of like beat up sometimes after i use a vibrator too much well this girl in my high school i remember she was uh you know those uh what do they call them ain't like uh christian virgins where they've only got anal sex yeah which is awesome uh but uh you know you gotta i kind of you gotta save the room for j's better than letting a guy into your pussy too soon. I know that's crazy, but I just- No, it's not crazy. Just don't give him your vagina. Her sphincter broke and she had a trail of poop

like into, and like she just- Is this true? Yes, it was like Hansel and Gretel, but- Why did you know this? Oh yeah, so she could, they could find her. Yeah, they found her, yeah. Okay, so what happened here? She just had sex- And how did you know this oh yeah so she could they can find out yeah okay so what what happened here she just and how did you find out about this this guy uh the guy told us exactly so i don't i don't think that this happened well what do you mean what did i have to like see her actual butthole

pooping no i just feel like a guy saying i think this girl just shit on a guy during anal sex and that's what happens no no he she had a trail she had to get surgery oh okay well maybe then i believe it all right let's get to the news but you know you gotta have you gotta source this stuff out because a lot of girls get the oh she's a whore look i'm jealous april macy uh in the movie hysterical hold on i'll get to why you're jealous in a second in the movie hysterical eight that you guys are all watching the documentary about female comics april macy got um she was so beautiful and so desired by all the guys that the girls were jealous.

And they spread a rumor that she shit on a couch during sex. And she was like a virgin. I'm one of these girls too. I was being accused of being a whore and blowing people for stage time and fucking older comics for stage time before I'd even had sex. So you got to check the sources of these stories about girls being whatever they are and if your bro brad said it happened i fucking believe it i just want to hear i just want to see uh the asterix the the cliffs the what is it called the bibliography we were

calling them uh i'm not gonna say i'll call him brad because it actually works here but we were there was a chant after we all found out that they were doing anal sex called backside brad wait his name was really brad no but it was yeah it started with a b so it worked and so the whole school was going backside brian oh my god and the girl i would feel terrible for but i really need to look her up and see how she's doing we should look her up on facebook and report to people let's get to the news you heard it here first yeah you heard it here first oh man it's uh wednesday folks um and boy i hope you're having a great time i know it's hump day out there and some people say hump day is the best day you know why because you're humping okay so uh have a great time out there everyone have fun and all this wells okay first

story boy this is a good one oh by the way people said they heard me say an f you said you didn't hear an f oh people are coming out okay saying that they heard it please send me the audio of the first one that he said and and let me be wrong but i'm not gonna go look it up but i i reserve i definitely definitely could have been wrong So send me that audio on, on, on Instagram, please. Or you could even call into our show now and leave a voicemail that we might

play on the show. Yes. Noah, can you tell people, our listeners, our besties, how they can, we can maybe hear their voices and play their,

their voicemails. Okay. I mean, it's super easy. The link is on the Nikki Glaser pod, Instagram. So you just go there, you click link in bio, takes you to the website.

You could do it on your phone. You could do it through your web browser, through your computer mic. And you can leave us a 90 second voicemail. Okay, so go to Nikki Glaser Pod, request a friendship from us. We'll grant it. And then you get that link and you leave us a voicemail.

Anytime we kind of ask for your, anything you want to tell us really anything this girl actually left a a very funny video in our in our messages she said she was looking for tickets for your show she typed in nikki glazer and pegging came up and she was at work and so pegging came up on her work when she's looking for tickets to your show. So shout out to her. Hopefully she'll get fired. OneNightWithNikki.com slash tour is where you'll find all my pegging videos. I did do a pegging class with Tom Segura

and Christina Pazitsky for my show Not Safe with Nikki Glaser. Have you ever seen that? That's probably why it came up. Have you seen that before? Yeah, I believe I have. Yeah, you gotta watch that. Okay, anyway, let's hear the news.

Yeah, long circle here. First story, baby. Fresh calculations tell us that humans are capable of maintaining anywhere between uh between 2 to 520 friendships wow that's a lot more than i remember hearing so the dunbar there's a thing called the dunbar number that said that people can only actually have 150 friends like and that was the number forever right noah like that was the number and now they bumped it up is this that's the story correct yeah um i just read the headline and i was able to deduce that andrew read the whole thing and and didn't get there but that's fine he's our news guy um so the old number used to be 100

right and now it's up to 500 is that what i'm hearing 520 from 150 that's crazy dude that's a lot more and i wonder if that's because of social media or have we or like our have our brains advanced to be able to carry that many faces in our head how many friends do you have like how many people let me just say okay if you were getting married and you had your ideal and you had all the time in the world to talk to everyone see everyone get everyone you care enough about seeing you get married on an island how many people you think in that that's going to be and we're not talking plus ones we're talking those people individually i'm i'm thinking honestly like 30 tops really well are we including family or just friends i mean if you're yeah i guess wedding is for friends i got like i got like seven or

eight from high school i got like seven or eight from college and seven or eight dude i gotta say you're wrong like you have so what about ari what about blair what about what no rosebud or blair don't cut it they wouldn't go no they're your friends you would count them as friends if so if that name came up they're not coming to the wedding okay so maybe that's i didn't know you were so weird in particular about your wedding i want like i gave you okay so let's say you're having there's a music festival where it's in honor of you and you want everyone in your life that you care enough about like a friend and that you'd want to spend time with and i and i'm saying this because sometimes weddings you want to keep them small because you want to be able to spend

more quality time if you had infinite time yeah to see everyone how many people would be there of people you go that's my friend and i'm talking about like people like okay here's another example miles leonard is your friend leonard myers leonard is he your friend he's friendly would you say myers is my friend to someone else if you sure okay so that counts as a friend noah wouldn't you say that's a friend someone you call a friend In conversation This is tricky Because acquaintance or friend Exactly like where's the bar Or best friend That's what I'm saying I got best

I got seven or eight I would say I have up to 15 best friends And then I'm gonna say above that There's like five of like the main Crew but like probably 15 best friends and then i'm gonna say above that there's like five of like the main crew but like probably 15 best friends and then my dog is growling because we have a maid here and then my maid comes right under them and then below that is no one because no but i would say friends wise people i say are my friend we are going for everyone from david spade to todd berry to the waitresses

at the cellar to um who i can't remember their names so they probably can't be friends no of course i remember their names um can't think of one right now can't contract for the life of me linda um uh your best friend linda sarah um oh one has the best angelica uh i mean what is like i have i i would think i probably have a thousand friends so i don't know what this study qualifies. As people go, oh, how can you live in this city? How could you? Dude, you get like, the older you get, you get like, it keeps going lower and lower. I need four friends in my life in any city.

How could you live in a city? Like people are saying that about St. Louis. How could you live in St. Louis? I need four friends. Well, that's the thing. People in New York and LA, if you literally look at your life, you go to two restaurants. Yes. Or like maybe four restaurants you go, right?

Think about it anyone living in those big cities the places you frequent. Come here Luigi, you go to four restaurants really think about this and I know maybe you're like no I like to explore new places Well, you can do that in any city too. And maybe you do deserve to be in la then but most people have a handful of friends they see When you leave town when you move out of la or new york and you're having like a going away you realize that these people that come to see you off you haven't seen for years and you've lived in the same and they're just using it for networking anyways matters you can just fly anywhere but yes well i i think it's a it's definitely an internet thing the idea that these people are your friends. I on, that's why I said 30 because that's really how I feel.

I have, uh, friends that are fans that I've made. I have Matt, I have Ashley, I have Charlie. I have three friends that started as friends. That's what I call them.

Fan friends. Okay. And I met them as fans and they, and I met them so early where I was very approachable and desperate for like someone like, and they would bring me gifts to shows. I mean, these are people that discovered me in like last comic standing season four. And I took the other day. I thought it was a fan DMing me a story about dating a woman for the first time. She's a girl. And I was like, cool. Thanks, girl. I'm so excited. And I responded

like she was just a random fan that I've kind of sometimes just DM with fans and we have a long thing going, but I don't know our history. And then I go, oh shit, I thought you were just a fan, but you are like, you're my fan, Ashley, that I have a rapport with. And that was, so she's my friend, I realized. Yeah, I know. But like, look at my parents' generation. My dad had his second wedding, right?

His best man. We met one time in our life. Like my parents did not have friends. Parents do not have friends. My mom had three girlfriends she had sue and two other ladies i wanted to start an app for parents of millennials to find friends because so many parents my parents are so cool and they have a really hard time finding cool people to hang out with and it's just because where do people meet you know my mom plays tennis my mom

goes to goodwill but she every day and like looks for stuff and she works but she's always like competitive with other women at goodwill i'm like be friends with them you guys have something in common um yeah parents need friends next story all right i kind of did this one selfishly because i feel like we uh there's certain things we can do that would probably take five minutes that could really help our lives i love this story so much thank you for choosing it let's do it And I think listeners will really love it too. So there are 38 Mac keyboard shortcuts that supercharge your workflow if you know them. Let's hear some of them because I hope I know them, but I'm so excited to learn something new that I'm like, what? You can do that? Here's a few examples. So the command plus space bar

will open up the search bar. Okay. That's cool. My search bar is already always open, so that's not really that much, but that's good to know. Command plus the grave accent, which is right about... Oh, it opens up spotlight search. So you can search your entire computer with the command space, just so everyone knows. That is very helpful. Sorry. What was the next one?

Command grave accent, which is right... Grave accent. Yeah. Accent grave. No, it's the next one? Command grave accent, which is right. Grave accent. Accent grave. No, it's that. I thought it was grave too. No, I think it's grave. I was just saying that as, that's how it's said in French.

Okay, so command grave accent grave. It will toggle through open app windows. Okay, I don't, which one's the, let me see. Make sure I'm doing it right. It's the one above the tab command above the tab. Oh, let's see.

I like this one. Yeah. Okay. I'm not on a, I'm on zoom with only one window, so I can't really see. The one that helps me the most. And the most people probably know it is command C command V,

which is copy-paste. Yes. Which has really helped my life a little bit, especially. Oh, my God. It's the best. Yeah. And Command-X to cut. What does that do?

Do you know what cutting is versus copying and pasting, and then what cut is? Kind of. Okay, so if you don't know, when you highlight a word or a sentence and you want to copy it um you could also do a cut because you want to put it somewhere else if you're if you if you want that thing that you're copying to be left where it is then and you also want it to be in the new place you're going to put it then don't worry about cut but if you want that to be removed from that chunk and put somewhere else cut now this gets you this has ruined my life because i've been on documents with roast jokes where i cut because i want to move somewhere else and then someone comes in the room goes nikki what

do you want for lunch from bubble while we're ordering and i get distracted and then i go back and i just start i go where was i not realizing that it is in the air ready to be pasted and you put it and put it back and that is how i did not end up telling one of my best roast jokes because that happened which is minutes before i went on um it was the one oh it was the one i told it on stern but i literally you can see i am distractedly sad the entire roast because i realized during jeff ross's set that i forgot to tell this joke because he mentions alec baldwin's podcast i was supposed to say alec baldwin so it was alec baldwin's there caitlin jenner go alec baldwin i'm gonna do it as sarah suberman alec baldwin has a podcast uh alec i love your podcast

uh it's called here's the thing which is also how alec introduced me to caitlin backstage yes yes i thought that was weird but um that's that's okay cut to larry david going man that nikki glazer is great oh my god yeah you overheard him say that no no who was radu yeah was in the bathroom during one of the commercial breaks and larry david was in there during the roast and uh it was right after my i had gone i think it was the first commercial break and he heard he talked to larry david at the urinal and uh no he heard larry david talking to another guy at the urinal. No, he heard Larry David talking to another guy at the urinal. Yes. And Larry David was singing your praises.

Yeah, and he said, wow. She says stuff that you go, you don't want to laugh, but you just can't help it. Or something like that. And I was just like, ah! But I was almost sad that he said, you don't want to laugh. I'm like, Larry, you're a comedian. Of course you want to laugh. And that's like your whole MO.

Like your whole show is you say the wrong thing. Yeah, but I'm saying the wrong things almost on purpose, but I'm presenting them in a way that's like, I'm just casually saying this thing that's really. Command Y, command plus Y opens your browsing history, which I don't know if we want to No, that's not. No one wants that. What's the way to not ever do that? Backside Brad is in there.

How do you pluck Y off your computer? I'm like just gouging both of those keys off. I'm like, we're done with the segment next news story i don't want to relive what command a is you doing anal with your ex-boyfriend i was just talking to you about how i want to be more accountable about my porn like i like to talk about porn a lot because i feel it is a problem i'm having that i'm dependent on it and i was telling you that the only way that i am able to like conquer things in my life that i'm ashamed of or that i see as problems or as if i'm honest about it so a lot of people are like probably like we don't want to hear about your

porn search anymore stop telling us it's not like cool i'm just saying that sometimes i talk about it because i need someone else to be accountable because it's just me and my keyboard and i need someone else in on it you guys well this is the thing so nick he said uh sometimes like if she's like uh embarrassed about maybe one of your addictions you'll you'll hide it from me but that but then you're like no i should just show what i'm doing so next time you're masturbating to porn do it in the living room yeah i'll watch i was just saying that about pot i'm like that's why i don't like to smoke pot in my room even if i want to because it's me doing it alone and it feels secretive and naughty and like something I could take advantage of or eating in my room,

like eating something gross. Like last night I was eating on the couch, something really disgusting. And I realized if Andrew walked out and saw me, I would be embarrassed. And just the thought that I, and I would be embarrassed in front of Andrew makes me realize that's the thing you should,

you're probably doing something not good to yourself, Nikki. So I took my couch snack and I sat at a goddamn table like a human being and i was able to still overeat a snack but eat it in a way that wasn't gluttonous and like oh i'm ashamed so yeah i'll i'll let you watch the next time i uh masturbate for two hours indulging in like oatmeal is kind of similar like i would feel the same effect of seeing you like kidding yourself with a vibrator like it's kind of like to me food can be very sexual like slurping is very sexual oh my god like i ate pudding with no spoon in the dark and it was the most sexual

thing i've ever done emmy blotnick has a joke about eating it with that like out of the cup and then it's like cunnilingus like you're like just going down on a pudding cup i'm sorry i know when i heard that joke too i was like why didn't i think of that because you literally thought of it i know i'm sorry all right well why do i care why do i care i don't care about anything right now control why control why should be a new thing we say when we would just want to delete what we just said even though it's pulling up your history we should say control why that's be a new thing we say when we just want to delete what we just said. Even though it's pulling up your history. We should say Control Y. That's like a new thing. I feel like you're going to care about this story.

If I know you well. Matt James and Rachel Kirkconnell are spotted together in New York City and he confirms they are pursuing a relationship again. Yes, Matt James the Bachelor. If you didn't know who is a guy that I slid into his DMs just to say how much I appreciated his meeting with his dad I thought was very cute

But it was also a way to be like hey Matt James I'm here If you don't end up with anyone and he didn't end up with anyone Because Rachel Kirkconnell was spotted At a party in college a plantation Theme party that was a very racist A lot of racist themes all about the confederacy She didn't know Matt James did Select her before those images came out when they came

Out he decided that he needed to step away from the Relationship so she could do some work on herself she amazingly appeared on the bachelor uh after the rose ceremony after all this had come out and really was doing the work like when people talk about like doing learning about what what systemic racism is why you didn't notice it when you went to this party she actually was like putting like I was like I want to sign up for her this bitch's course like will you make this into a thing i could buy because if there is and he even said i can't and even then when she had done the work for like a while and was on her way to doing the work he still was like i'm not ready i think they i think he was ready but i think he needed to say that to just like and maybe

he wasn't i don't know but now they're back together and i'm so happy for them because they really were in love and i love that she did the work and and realized like yeah i didn't know it was a plantation theme party i didn't think it was racist at the time but i'm gonna explore why that is a very hurtful thing that i did to some people and to many people and and i think it just shows like i just want someone to do that to me in a paparazzi shot this is all I want Noah's showing us a picture he is in a hoodie and they are walking into a place together and he has his arm around her and it looks

so sweet and nurturing can some guy just please nurturingly hold me as I walk into a Starbucks and have the pops I'll have the pops show up across the street I'll call them I got their numbers from when I did Dancing with the Star and they can snap us doing this. You would think she'd be wearing the white hood.

Oh, my God. Andrew. That was so good. That was so fucking good. You guys, I wish I would have said white hoodie. I didn't say that. And I didn't say it because it felt like almost racist, like subconsciously. I didn't say it.

I do. do no but honestly but that's hilarious he is in a white hood and like andrew that was really funny thank you i i do feel like this does show like second chances and forgiveness when done right should get rewarded and things and and it's a good thing it's a fucking good thing and she proved that she's worthy of his love and he proved that she's worthy of his love and he proved that he's worthy of her love because he put his foot down said i'm not gonna just get back together with you until i see the work and she was like i understand that i need to do the work in order to be with you and so they both had to make sacrifices to end up being in a place where

they feel good together i love it in college there was this thing called okay slide in if you break up kappa alpha maybe k there were a southern fraternity and they would do this thing where they have to like uh storm the hill and it was like recreating people just don't know what they're doing you don't i don't i'd never connect like i watched it happen i didn't partake in it i'm not saying but i never connected it with like racism i just connected it with like these people doing dumb shit like we didn it because we're stupid we don't know the history behind it and i would say that some black people probably don't even know the history behind it of why it's but once you learn yeah both sides are able to process it in a way that we go okay i

don't want to do that anymore like i cancel culture is dangerous i do think there should be consequences to this stuff and people should be consequences to this stuff and people should be held accountable but if they apologize and they work on themselves i believe in forgiving literally anyone i don't think that means that some you know i could forgive like anyone i the reason people i think should be locked up is just so that they don't hurt others but if someone is not hurting others and truly apologizes, I could, I think I could forgive anyone. And I guess like at the end of what I almost said at the end of the day, but like,

we're not saying that we can forgive someone for being racist. Like, I think that's like where I, I didn't realize done the work I can forgive. No, no, no. But I'm saying it's not what people say is it's not for us to forgive

because we're white, that it's for, that's what you see a lot, at least. Right. Well, I can only say my experience maybe it but for me as nikki blazer to forgive i can and i acknowledge that maybe it takes more and isn't a capable first other person because everyone has their own experience so these things of like you need to feel the way i feel it's just like and i'm just i'm saying that about anything yeah no no one does because one's you. You have your own experience and it's hard to remember that. Can I be honest?

Because I want everyone to think the way I think. I just can't forgive you for speaking in the third person. No, I wouldn't forgive that either. And Nikki Glaser doesn't forgive anyone who calls Nikki Glaser out on speaking about Nikki Glaser if she's Nikki Glaser. Let's get to finish my sentence where Andrew and I... Andrew Collin can't forgive that. This is our tried and true segment on the show where Andrew and I pull up some deep-seated resentments

for each other and project it subconsciously or maybe consciously through each other's own finishing of each other's sentence. So we get a prompt. I complete the sentence as I think Andrew would. Then Noah also takes a stab at how andrew if he said it would complete it and then we do it for me and then uh we each find out what we if if we were right let's see how well we know each other our weekend and then it ruins our

weekend and makes a weird vibe for the rest of the day but it's worth it for the entertainment let's get into it noah what is today's finish my sentence uh props okay today's prompt is i am scared to death of okay so for for me this connotates like not an existential crisis because scared to death kind of is like oh like that's like this is almost like phobias but it's open to interpretation so it sounds like it's not for me it is and that's how i'm interpreting it but it sounds like it's not for me it is and that's how i'm interpreting it but it sounds like it's open to you but if you've already thought about mine but that's how i'm gonna read it for you i think or i could do both but like day to day okay can i go first and then i i'm andrew first okay hi i'm andrew collin hi i'm nicky glazer speaking as Andrew Collin. And branding.

Gotta say your name a bunch. Nikki Glaser. Andrew Collin. Put your Nikki Glaser to the moon. Listen to that Bruno Mars song. It does say my name in it. I'm Andrew Collin, and I'm scared to death of dying.

I am scared to death of dying from any way in which you could die. I am also scared to death of dying from any way in which you could die i am also scared to death that i am also scared to death of looking like a pussy um i am also scared to death i think we should just have one no I think we should just have one. What is he doing my whole list? Death and looking like a pussy. And especially dying from a way in which is like, you're such a bitch.

You got that. What's that? How do you die looking like a bitch? Like when you like drop a contact lens and you bend over and hit your like head on the corner of the counter. Something like just an embarrassing way to die. Oh, but I would think like a bitch would be like my

last words. It's like I don't want to die. No, that's that's a that's probably in a really gnarly way like a mass shooting. No, but I'm saying like cancer like the last couple days. I'm like, I don't want to know. I think you'll accept it. You'll be fine. Cool. I think yeah, I think you yeah, but you will die someday.

First of all, this is death is the way we could end all of these and be right because every fear traces to a fear of death for sure like my grandma was so afraid of dying she'd always go oh my bladder and she'd always go to doctor's appointments and it's in my family to be hypochondriac i'm jewish it's just it's deep rooted she you're gonna die like i learned a lot from her experience because she was so afraid of dying. Yeah, she's dead. But she was so afraid of dying.

She spent so much time in fear of this thing. I know you have one grandma left. Yeah. Grandma Shirley. She turned 100. Yeah. You can't. The Jeff Tweedy song that I love is.

My grandma's dead. Yeah. No, it says I listened to an AMA. Ask me anything for Jeff Tweedy from Wilco. And they said, what's your favorite lyric you've ever written? And while you're looking for it, my favorite thing that someone told me that had me be okay with death is one, don't be a pussy. And then the other one was, do you remember being born?

Number one. Or do you remember what happened in 1850? No, you don't be a pussy and then the other one was uh do you remember being born number one or do you remember what happened in 1850 no you don't okay then yeah it's the same side yeah so um tweety lyrics i'm so sorry i just want to get it right because it is it's my favorite i'm sure there's a command button to find it faster and why find Okay, it's don't forget, we all think about dying. Don't let it kill you. We all think about dying, don't let it kill you. And that is good. Like, don't live your life worrying about dying.

Because that'll kill you, the stress. Here's the thing. At this point in my life, I do feel like I've accomplished somewhat of enough where I think a lot of it has to do with when you die before you accomplish anything you wanted to set out for your life that's when it starts to get fearful right so then when you you know i've helped a lot of people laugh you know i i think i've become a better person like i stopped drinking so like i feel a little bit more acceptance with my death because i feel like okay i did okay in the world i put some good in the world yeah you have a legacy i think when you die at like 22 and you're just

like fucking you know doing ecstasy and you're just a piece of shit it's kind of scary because you're like i didn't do anything and now i'm just dead oh i'm not scared about doing something i'm scared about oh my god and then that dying like i'm scared of that moment of terror right before i wait don't don't answer for andrew what did you think that andrew was gonna say okay i was gonna say uh like as a joke that um going one day on instagram without getting a new follower i lose a lot of followers noah the fact that you know you lose is weird it's because i go from 39.8 to 39.7 almost every other day oh all right let's get you over 40 you guys come on i mean you are over for your 41 but with instagram followers let's at least match his age by the end of today so go follow andrew collin if you already aren't andrew t collin

he is verified and has a blue check mark um okay now andrew do nicky's andrew do me it's interesting i thought one of you were gonna say lizards but um I think Nikki is scared of death oh lizards yeah I forgot you're scared of lizards that was such a weird thing to discover about you go on there's a couple things that she's scared to death of like are we doing like okay you're scared to death of driving in a car but you've gotten way better at this yeah a thousand times beating Cayman so I don't even know if it's a fear. It was a fear until driving in a car. It's funny that these phobias flare up when I'm in a bad headspace. And when I'm happy, I didn't worry about my hair falling out in Cayman.

I haven't thought about my hair in forever. And that used to be a constant chronic fear. And the highways. No fear. So she's afraid of a single highway. Two lane highways that are only separated by one strip. And that are facing each other and like i'm scared of oncoming collisions for drunk drivers or texters i mean

it happens like all the time it's very the margin of error is too small route 60 in florida it happens all the time because if even if you go off the road you're in a you're in a ditch so it's like either a ditch or you realize you're going off the road and you overcompensate and then that's when you flip i mean it's just so scary so the rational fears uh i'm right for those but what is what's more my what's my existential one i want to know i i think being seen as dirty in a way like not like actual like like i posted and i get it but i felt like you really flipped out when i posted the couch on nikki glazer pod you're like i haven't set it up and it is i felt like you say things about your mom like how she has to clean the place up yeah because she's so afraid

of how people will see her yeah i feel like you have a little of those tendencies that wasn't about that that was because i have to tag all these furniture companies and i don't want them seeing that before i present it in a way because these people have given me furniture. I need to present it beautifully. And I just want to pay attention to detail. I didn't even see the picture. I didn't even look at it. I just saw the living room. And I was like, I don't want that out there.

Like, in my living space, I want to just keep some things private. I don't mind people seeing certain angles. But, like, being presented, like, this is my house. It just feels intrusive. I just didn't like it. But I do agree that my biggest fear is being thought of as like dirty and like uh unlovable pretty much you're so like you know whatever the irony of being completely open about so many things in your life and i'll tell you how dirty i am i just don't want you to like actually see it

and there's people far dirtier than i am i love watching summer house because hannah burner is dirty sierra it's bad she didn't know there was a camera. My two faves are dirty as fuck and Sierra's room is a mess. So I don't, I'm accepting about it more about myself, but yeah. But it all comes, I would say my biggest fear, like, essentially is, like, not being in

a romantic relationship. Like, not finding love again or that feeling of, like, being... Noah's congratulating herself. Fuck, Noah. I guess... beat, like Noah's congratulating. Noah, I guess. Okay. Wait,

I want to say though, I didn't reveal. No, it's fine. Nailed it. Okay. So in the beginning of the podcast, you kind of threw me off because you said that not working hard enough was

your biggest fear. I know I said that. It's one of those. I knew I said that. Yes, that is. Yeah. Being perceived as lazy,

which is also being dirty. Right. So I was thinking about it really hard. And I think that your biggest existential fear is not having companionship. I didn't narrow it down just to like a romantic relationship, but I think friendships are very important to you. Yes. And your biggest fear would be not to have companionships.

Yes. Yes. your your biggest fear would be not to have companionships yes yes but i also i i think it's really like someone that like loves me like romantically and like for even your dirty parts yeah like loves me accepts me no matter what and like that's i mean that is why when i i feel that way like i've only felt that way really once in my life but when i feel that way like i cry because it's just so like i didn't know i could feel this or like feel like so loved and like a like loved in a way that like the way my dad loves me but like it like the way he looks at me like i could do no wrong like you're so cute like everything you do is a miracle that kind of love but also with like the the the the

heat the romantic heat like that kind of so dad plus heat yeah but i mean like there's command command and fucking um no command dh no but like the way your parents love you that kind of unconditional love i've never had that from a romantic partner where i just felt so like deeply cherished and i've only felt it one time and it made me cry because I was like, I didn't know this was out there. It's very thrilling. And it's, it's not just one person that can provide that. Like if you, you can find that in multiple people in your life and I plan on it again, but a fear is never finding that again because it feels so good. I know it really does. You'll find it. Yeah. That's so fun final thought you're uh you're feeling it these

days i mean i you know it's like little things you can do with uh a girl you're dating or seeing where you've never had whatever you didn't have to talk but we went to a gym this morning she had to go to work so i went with her to the gym at 7 a.m i usually would go at 10 i would never go at 7 yeah i was wondering why you went so early and then you were like oh it's because i wanted to go with uh her yeah i don't say her name brad we've already said her name i think because she got like a bunch of new followers on instagram yeah oh right but whatever let's just call her bradley yeah more feminine oh my god so you went and worked out with bradley this morning so you could like

share that together that's so fun like we accomplished this like workout together which was awesome also looking at her in workout clothes turns me on in a whole new way because i see her in a different light like strong strong, killing it in this class. Yeah. And she fucking whooped my ass in the running section. And I like getting my ass whooped. You know that. It turns me on. I like getting beat down a little bit.

You know, but I beat her in the other things, you know, whatever. Like I like a nice balance. You have strength like built into your DNA that she doesn't. So the fact that she could even compete against you in those other things is actually pretty impressive. And actually, if you adjust for like her being a woman, she probably kicked your ass. Oh, for sure. For sure. In terms of what she was able to achieve for her.

And we had so much fun. And then like I dropped her off and like I've been known to call her a bitch. But like in a really like like I think in an endearing way. I don't know if there's an endearing way to say bitch. I think there is. I think it's too cutesy. And if a guy called me bitch, I be like i'm not your friend let's not do this oh okay i hate it and i think it's a way that men do like communicate with women sometimes

because they're scared of how like how much they're feeling for that person so they will call them like bitch or bro and so they like deflect that feeling because it's scary to feel that way about someone so i was just like later bitch when i dropped her off i go later bitch and i go i mean the other day i really did say wish instead of bitch in a sentence she could call me a bitch again i go no i called i called you a witch no no i called you i said wish and she goes i think you said bitch so it's like this ongoing thing and then i didn't think of it so when i said bye to her i go later bitch and i go i mean wish i mean she goes i'm never talking to you again i go all right see you tomorrow she goes see you tomorrow like those little things i know it sounds like it was like so cheesy but like the connection you have of like humor where it's a little you know dark

a little bit and i don't know it's just fucking so special. That kind of shit is awesome. Oh, it's the best. Inside jokes and just like, yeah, just like new love is truly the best feeling in the world or like finding it and being excited about someone and like getting butterflies when you are about to see them. Like it's the best fucking drug like ever. It is my favorite feeling in the world is feeling like horny and excited and like intimate with someone and it's the only drug i can't buy like i cannot buy it i mean you searched i i i i can buy someone to fuck me i can fly someone to fuck me but i can't you cannot buy someone to love you and it's

it's just funny i realize it is a drug that i don't let myself indulge in because i'm not gonna be i can't ever get it. I can't find it. It takes too much for me to find someone to have that. But if I do, man, that's, and I think I scare guys away sometimes because I'm just like, holy shit, I found the drug. I found it. Like, I don't want the stash to dry up.

I want to buy the whole supply just in case, you know, they go out of business and I like go all in and because I'm so excited that I found this feeling. And then it's wild how those feelings can kind of start to fade if you just give it time. So it's, I'm in a different place now. It's true. Like time makes things like kind of go away. Command Y.

Um, thanks for listening today. We'll see you tomorrow on the podcast, the last day of the week, but then we'll be back next week. Get your friends to do it. Um, write into us,

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