The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #270 Operation: Dancer In The Dark

Episode Date: September 13, 2022

Nikki is currently on vocal rest and she left this story for Besties to enjoy. She shares her experience going above and beyond to surprise her boyfriend Chris for his birthday. Secret photos, a flight to Europe, conspiring with dancers at a strip club, a pink wig and Australians are all involved in her secret mission. Andrew is hanging on to the edge of his seat by his fissure. Chris Convy also joins to help recap the story.  While we drop the pod weekly please catch up on past episodes and videos. Xoxo. ------------ Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Get Pod Merch: Podshop.NikkiGlaser.com Nikki's Tour Dates: www.nikkiglaser.com/tour Andrew's Tour Dates: www.andrewcollincomedy.com   More Nikki: IG More Andrew: IG  More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, and now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson.

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with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. Welcome to the show. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast.

It is another week of my absence during my surgical recovery. I don't think that's what they call it. But you're hearing this as I am resting my voice. This is pre-op. That's how they talk in the doctor world. Everything's pre and post-op.

What's during op? I don't know. I think it's op. It's just op. You say we'll have that talk pre-op. We'll have that talk post-op. I don't know. I think it's op. It's just the op. It's just op. But like you say like, we'll have that talk pre-op. We'll have that talk post-op. But we don't say,

we'll have that talk op. Oh. You know what I mean? So it's probably der op. Deropathy. Well, they can't really talk to you while you're in the op. Yeah, you can't. Okay, well,

maybe if they're like, we'll decide that. I'll decide that during op. Because he is deciding things the op. Yeah, you can't. Okay, well, maybe if they're like, we'll decide that. I'll decide that during op because he is deciding things during op. Have you ever been under before during an op? Yes,

wisdom teeth, I think. And then also my ranula. What? That thing when I had a clogged tongue duct

and it made a big bubble. I think they had to do me then too. But I think maybe just once time. What about you? For your asshole? I just love that you don't know if you've been put under or not. You're like, I think I was put under. I don't really remember.

It's not that remarkable to me. But I know I guess it is remarkable. But some people go under so much i mean people are getting surgeries all the time you know yeah i've been i've been under twice for colonoscopy and uh endoscopy and i think that's both they do both at the same time they put a tube and they meet in the middle i guess oh god i don't know what. Did you like wake up while you were under? What? My sister did.

I had weird visions of them like rolling me over. Like I have like memories, but I don't think I woke up. But I have. What? I don't know. No, that's freaking me out. But are you having like fake memories, Andrew? Probably fake. Probably fake. Probably fake.

I think I was a little, I was worried about how my dick was going to look when they were rolling me around. Oh my God. Andrew. Did you like try to check if there were female doctors or anyone that was going to be a woman in the op? Yeah, I made sure that everyone was blind and I was like, just good luck. I'd rather blind people operate on me

than anyone see my little dick. Someone read my dick in braille and they're like, it's small. It's small. We figured it out. Oh no. No, I think, I think. Your dick anxiety makes me so sad.

Just all the extra effort you had to go to to protect it from being seen in the world. All the things, all the hoops to to protect it from being seen in the world. All the things, all the hoops. Dude, I have known nurses. They do talk shit about what they see in there. Of course. They're humans.

It's like when doctors smoke. You go, wait, doctors smoke? Nurses smoke? It's like, no, they're flawed people too. Yeah, my dad was a cancer doctor. He, during the, a little bit after the divorce, he started smoking a little bit. He tried to keep it on the low. He didn't get too addicted. I mean, Obama smoked.

I always remember that whenever I start to project too much perfection onto anyone. I'm like, Obama smoked. Everyone's flawed. Wait, your sister woke up, Noah? I know he did. It made me want to do it. Yeah, so she was getting four of her wisdom teeth removed and uh the doctor told her that that while she was um in the procedure he like asked the nurses to hand him like forceps

or something and all of a sudden she like raises her hand and like tries to hand him something no that is okay well it's terrifying i cannot wake up during this because it's i just don't understand how you don't have pain when you're sleeping you know like or it must it must sedate your nerves in some way because you would be like you know when you're sleeping and i do something like i would cut you you would wake up you know when you're sleeping and I do something like I would cut you you would wake up you know it's different than sleep for sure I'm sure there are anesthesiologists listening being like this is boring like I'll tell you exactly

it reminds me of a Norm Macdonald's bit about you know dying from a heart attack and he died in his sleep he didn't feel anything I know it's like they definitely do wake up maybe in his sleep he didn't feel anything it's like i know it's like they definitely do wake up maybe yeah it's not just like they found him dead on the floor i think he'd rather be alive in bed or i forget what the joke was but yeah it just yeah everyone always goes he died in his sleep

it's fine it wasn't a thrashing fighting death off beneath the covers and just screaming in bed. But as long as you were just horizontal when you did it and there was a pillow nearby. I've woken up from a calf cramp. Not even a bad one.

Or like restless legs dead syndrome. Restless dick syndrome. Wake up! Oh my God, restless leg. Not fun. Oh, fuck, my neck is still doing it. I'm still suffering that little,

what do you call it, a crick in your neck? Yeah, a little crick. Wait, what are you, post-crick? I'm post-crick. I thought I was post-crick, but it's still going. Where are you right now, by the way? I'm in Boston. Are you in London? No, I'm Post-Crick. I thought I was Post-Crick, but it's still going. Where are you right now, by the way? I'm in Boston. Are you in London?

No, I'm in Boston. I got here last night at like, what is it? It's noon or something like that now? Noon, 15. And then got in last night at 11? No, 10, 13. Who cares? And then I hate when people are like exactly what time they break it down who cares and also you're hearing this like two weeks later

um but it's wild no but seriously what time what time was it though like i landed at 10 30 p.m okay from london and i was in lond London for, you know, I landed in London on Monday morning in London time. And then I left London. Was it a surprise? Yeah, I surprised Chris. So I went to London. How did that go? Well, people need to know what it was because no one knows what it was first.

So, you know, I know you know what it was, but do you? No, I don't know what it was. so it's chris's birthday and he was going over to iceland with his friends to um to bike ride chris my boyfriend if you're just learning this if you're if you're pre-chris um he was over there with his friends cycling through iceland for fucking nine days or something insane and then they went to london at the end of it i have a stain on my shirt to just like hang out and um and then it was his birthday on the 5th and i was supposed to go out to london to meet them afterwards to hang out all week in london but then i had to get surgery so then i was like i can't go to london i'm sorry and he was totally

understanding and it was just kind of a bummer though because we were really looking forward to being over there together at the end of his trip when we had not seen each other for so long it would just been nice and what he didn't know was that i still planned on going but i was only gonna go for one day um which is something that he has often done for surprises for people like he once flew to australia for less than 24 hours to go to someone's wedding and like flew 24 hours to be there for 12 hours and then flew back just for to surprise someone at their wedding so it's like in his playbook of things to do and so i'm and i was more than happy to do it because it was so fun and he didn't see it coming at all and he was

totally fine with me not going and obviously so like didn't care at all but was like you know we were both like longing for each other pretty heavily um i think like an arduous bike trip made him just like we just like got closer during this time apart it was just sweet and i could tell that it was like it was bumming me out so much to pretend that i wasn't going because all day when i am i'm in London at 11 a.m he's not getting in until 10 p.m so all day he's traveling from Iceland to London and it is his birthday in the states he knows I'm awake and during that time and I can't talk to him I like called him from the airport in Chicago on my layover um which was midnight his time on his birthday and I like put a bunch of blankets over

my head in the lounge because it is so hard to get anywhere quiet in an airport that doesn't sound like an airport so i like get into the i go in my layover like i have a little bit of time and i go with the american airlines lounge so i can have peace and quiet i put a bunch of fucking blankets and um you know scarf and a jacket over my head to make a little sound booth to be like i am in bed i'm just thinking about you on your birthday you know and he didn't pick up so that was failed then I sent him a text and then I am flying and I fly over there and I land and um I'm texting him all day but I I get him to my hotel and I just slept all day I was gonna like go explore London but I was so tired I landed in the morning in London I went to my hotel and I

slept until 7 p.m and then the surprise was supposed to happen at, I was supposed to be there at like nine o'clock at the place for the surprise. And I had to- His friends knew. So I arranged it with his friend Hamish Blake, who is of Hamish and Andy, which I've told people to go watch. So Hamish knew and his friends also knew,

but Hamish was my contact. And so I'm texting with Hamish and he was like okay the plan is so I came up with this plan for a while we were like oh I'll just show up at a dinner or I'll like I don't know I've done different surprises before I think the last time I did it was how did I surprise him the last time I think I um god I can't remember it for some reason but I just like show up different places. And then it's always funny. But this time I was like, it's his birthday.

Have the guys take him to a strip club, get him in a room, buy him a lap dance, get him in a room alone, have him blindfolded. And then I will come in and in a private room where there's not like anyone can see. And I'll like dress like a stripper and come in and like give him a lap dance or whatever and then so that was the plan but i didn't have any stripper clothes and i tried to order some on amazon they are probably arriving

now because it was so back ordered so i had no slut wear and i don't really have any in my own possession i have like some stuff that i've gotten but it like doesn't fit right and it's not even cute and so I had planned to go shopping in London during the day to buy a stripper outfit I bought like strip I have stripper heels and I had those but I had like no sexy underwear I had nothing so I'm like oh no and it's seven o'clock I slept way too late so I go out and I'm you know I went down to Harrods which is like Neiman Marcus of London, and I'm at La Perla, and a bra is like $400. I'm like, there's no way I'm spending this. This is disgusting. So then I go to Zara, and I'm just combing through Zara,

trying to find any slutware. There's hardly any, but I found a couple things. I went in once, and I was like, this is bullshit. And then I tried to get a taxi to go to the sex shop across town and then i couldn't get a taxi so i go okay i'm going back in zara i gotta make something work and then i found stuff in zara so then i go back i'm getting ready they are like texting me like we're on the way to the hotel i'm staying at the same hotel they're staying at so i can't risk leaving the hotel like what if chris decides to like go make a call in the hallway or something and then i see him so i have to leave before they get to the hotel so i get in an uber minutes before they get to the hotel

i go i go to the strip club platinum lace it's in like um does this club circle i don't know some area of town okay so they hamish said that his friend one of the guys called some guy that the manager said we were gonna have a vip section but no they did not i get there and it's not clear so i go inside and i just find a dancer and i say to her i'm like hey i have this idea and then she loved it and i was like okay so like i think it's best to find like, I adjusted the plan by then. I was like, okay, I think the best plan because if he gets blindfolded, he might be like, are they going to rob me or something?

Like it just the blindfold is going to make it either too suspicious. He'll think it's me because it's like, so obviously a surprise or he's going to be like scared. So I said, I think it's best if there are so many strippers that he can't really tell me from out of the pack and i brought bought a wig also so i said get i think three girls i'll buy him a dance as soon as he walks in with his friends you guys go chris birthday boy i'll tell hamish ahead of time that it seems like they called ahead of time to be like chris is the birthday boy grab him immediately so the girls act like the boys have called ahead and so as soon as i go wait in

the bathroom i get changed i came in in a dress that i thought was like good and then the girls were like what did you bring to wear and i was like oh this and there i was like but i have some extra stuff then they're like no put that on so i put on this other outfit that was a little bit sluttier portman in that movie closer um like it's a pink wig like it felt so and immediately i was like stripper vibes like i felt so powerful i felt so sexy it was so fun and so then i go out and they're like go girl you've been so funny if you stopped and did like four dances and made a quick two grams like on the way over there i honestly if his friends wouldn't have been there i would have

it was because they weren't even dancing they were just like moving like this they were just like back and forth like going up and down the pole like just like with their backs up against the pole like going up and down like there was no like acrobatics going on i love that the girls helped you such like girl yeah they loved it it's like it was three it was like the little it was like the view we were around a table the three of us talking about boys and talking about the business and talking about like surprising. And they were all at first like, is he going to like be mad that you're there? Like, are you going to like, what?

Like we get topless. And like, what if he like has a, they were kind of like, what if he's turned on by us? And like, are you good? And I was like, oh no, I'm into all this. And they're like all this and they're like oh okay okay like i'm like clearly like this is they were like is he gonna be really embarrassed that he gets caught and i was like no no no this is like our thing and so i was like no i love this stuff i was like and i even asked him i was like so um so after you guys so then my plan was they three of them would give him a lap dance, and then I would just come in like another girl that was just like,

what are you guys up to? And then just come in. And then I don't even know what I was going to do after that. I was like, I'll probably just go like, it's Nikki, please. Just know it's me. And so rip off my wig and be like, ah, do a jig. Yeah, give him a noogie. Yeah, honestly, it's so awkward for me to be around.

Because these strippers are so intimidating because they're so sexy and so feminine. And I just felt a little bit klutzy being there. And older. I'm probably at least seven years older than them. I think they're probably 30 at most. So I guess eight years older than them. I'm 38. It's England.

It's London time. Yeah, and I was like practicing like, oh, what are you guys doing in here? What's going on? Who's the birthday boy? Is this the birthday boy? Does he need his chimney swept? And so they were laughing.

If I was blindfolded, I'd be like like who's making porridge like what kind of crazy woman is i have like one two does anyone need porridge it's like the girl from ladies of rob it's like one of the witches from mcbeth um i just yeah i'm straddling a broomstick so I know dude this is a badass elaborate thing I can't I'm so I'm on the edge of my seat okay like this is ridiculous then um so I really wanted it in his mind the best the best if you're doing a surprise the best way to do it is to eliminate especially with a guy that I've done surprises with before like he knows that I have nothing to do on this

Monday like it is possible for me to do this I don't think in his wildest dreams that... But you were in L.A. You were in L.A. No, I was in Vegas. So I was in L.A. for a week and a half. Well, still. And then I was in Vegas the night before. Then all day on Sunday.

11 hours away from London. Yeah. I mean, I was in L.A., then Vegas on Friday night. Saturday, I got in at... I had a flight at 7 a.m. out of Vegas. All day, I taped with Graham Bensinger, which is going to be airing... Oh, shit had a flight at 7 a.m. out of Vegas all day. I tapped, taped with Graham Bensinger, which is going to be airing.

Um, Oh shit. I forgot all about that. Wherever you are. So I taped from, I get in, I land in St. Louis on Saturday after the show in Vegas on Friday night. Thank you besties for coming out.

And then I film all day until 10 p.m. with Graham. I do a set that night. It's like all day long in my apartment, film crew. And then Sunday morning I wake up and start getting ready. And then I leave Sunday night. So yeah, it was a busy time. But so to eliminate any, any questionable doubt that he had that I maybe was going to be there, or wasn't going to be there. I, I decided to meet up with a friend of his that he would think i have no way

of contacting like a friend that i know through chris but who i don't even follow on instagram like and so but he lives near me so this guy pat kneehoff one of chris's friends lives near me so i contacted chris's brother i got pat's number and i said pat will you meet up with me today this was sunday before i left like an hour before i left at the airport i go meet up with me let's take a picture together like we just ran into each other and then tomorrow i will send this and i will send it to him four o'clock our time which will be an like 30 minutes before he sees me at the strip club so 30 minutes before chris sees me at the strip club i send him a selfie being like i just ran into Pat on the street then I text Pat to text Chris I just ran into Nikki I heard it was your

birthday happy birthday so Chris placed in his mind I am so in St. Louis Pat and me yeah and he would never in his in a million years think that Pat and I coordinated that because Pat and I don't even have each other's info through multiple parties it would take so I have covered my bases so

steadily with this. So then, um, also just because Chris would have gone, I wouldn't see Chris until 11 PM on his birthday. I know that he would be a little bit suspicious that I haven't given him any kind of gift before that. Like it would just seem weird that I've just totally missed it. So I wrote him texts all day being like, I love you so much. We're going to celebrate in Boston because he was coming here for my surgery. There was this picture that was taken during his Iceland trip. They had a professional outdoor photographer, National Geographic style, taking pictures. And there's this one closeup of Chris's face and he looks so rugged, so handsome, really portrait style-up so i at first when i saw this

picture like a week and a half ago i was like god that's national geographic like that is so like that is like amazing it's it's a picture i keep like looking at and like kissing because it's so close up it looks like he's like right next to me i do a halsey you know what you used to kiss your phone on halsey's face and so i wrote a guy that makes posters for comedians and like has done a bunch of graphic art based on on um like different shows like he'll take shows and remake them so i wrote him and i was like would you do a national geographic cover but have it say sexiest man alive like people magazine style and so he made this amazing cover and i wrote all these funny captions that was like let me just read this amazing cover and i wrote all these funny

captions that was like let me just read it really quick and i'll i'll send it to you know to post so we can have it on our socials um so people can see it but it's so well done and this was like this was enough to give him like okay it's a little present before i get there it says chris convey sexiest man alive special report do you see this that's great sexiest man alive. Special report. Do you see this? That's great. Sexiest man alive. He looks like an explorer. Yeah.

He looks like Magellan or something. It has an Icelandic scarf on. He looks serious. It says, the sexy issue with special guest editor Nikki Glaser. Chris Convey, sexiest man alive. Special report. How one man's voyage to Iceland accelerated glacial melt. And then there's a quote

it says from the president of iceland gundy thorlacius johansson it says you can't bring that kind of hotness up here without dire consequences that being said we'd love to have him back hubba hubba and so um i said that to him and um he melts and so i said that to him literally 15 minutes before i see him and i go do you send that to him literally 15 minutes before I see him and I go, do you have two minutes to look at this present? This is all I have right now before I go to sleep. I'm sure you're going to sleep soon. I hope you have

such a fun night for your birthday. I send that to him. He's in the cab on the way over texting me. I'm in the bathroom of the strip club and he's like, oh my God, this is hilarious. I miss you so much. I wish you were here. And I'll tell you the rest when we get back from break. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts

of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early, well, HowToMoney will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right.

How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into John's unique take

on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers.

I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, Minnie Questions. Over the years, we have had some incredible guests. People like Courtney Cox, star of the infinitely beloved sitcom Friends, EGOT winner Viola Davis, and former Prime Minister of the UK, Tony Blair. And now, Mini Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Each episode is a new person's story with new lessons, new memories,

and new connections to show us how we're both similar and unique. Listen to Mini Questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. We want to speak out, we want to raise awareness and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn and I'm an investigative journalist. When a group of models from the UK wanted my help, I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry.

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We're an army in comparison to him. Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager. Responsible and driven and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail.

It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened, and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community. And I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and

recovery. A story told in 12 steps. Listen to Crems as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network, available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. So I'm in the strip club in the bathroom awaiting their arrival i know they're 10 minutes away because i was staying at the hotel hamish writes me and goes we're leaving right now they leaving late because chris is a little depressed i come to find out he's just like tired from the trip he he misses his girlfriend it's his birthday he just doesn't he's just like feeling a little bit like slowed down and i can tell from the text like it really honestly broke my heart because i could just

tell he was like he was just being it's really cute when guys if you're a guy out there in a relationship with a woman i don't know if this is for everyone but there's something really sweet when a guy gets like a little bit tired or a little bit like sad and just like it's kind of like i just miss you and just this kind of like pouty about like I just want to be with you like it was just like there was a longing for me that I really enjoyed but it also made me sad because I was like oh he thinks I'm not gonna be there and he's like he just needs his girlfriend right now and he's just feeling sad and so I'm waiting in this bathroom and then Hamish writes me and goes we're outside he goes

John one of the guys who is part of the plan and knows what's going on just decided to go to the ATM we're already late he was like come on John he was like John knows the plan I don't know what he's doing so then John has to go to an ATM it takes forever I'm still waiting in the stall John's like I gotta take out like my kids savings to just

for the prank. Oh, yeah. It's not for me. It's not for me. It's for like, I want Chris to make sure this is real, so I'm going to cheat on my wife. Shout out to John, who did lend me $200 to pay off the strippers because I didn't have enough cash because I got fucked over from my cash exchange in London. I gave them $400. The exchange rate is 86 cents to

the dollar and i got back 246 for a 400 exchange so i got fucked and i didn't realize it till i was a block away and i looked at my cash um so anyway thank shout out to john thank you for stopping at that atm and he didn't let me pay him back so that was really nice of him so then i go i'm waiting and then so hamish goes we're inside and i'm like yes and i knew these girls are going to grab chris right away so i am waiting in the stall and by the way they wouldn't even let me the management and the strippers like weren't weren't in connection and the security they weren't in cahoots oh by the way before this happens i go i say to the strippers when we're at the table and i hate to call them strippers if that's not a nice word but

i like that word um and if you don't i totally will not use it but for now i'm gonna use strippers so the exotic dancer strippers and i are talking at the table and i go so after i walk in you guys i don't know maybe we'll dance a little bit together i don't know maybe we'll giggle whatever but then you guys beat it and then i i was like can i like blow them or whatever i said something like that and i was like and they go oh no um well there is a room it's two thousand dollars for that room and there's no cameras and i'm like no thanks i'll just go back to my hotel room that i'm probably already paying that amount for too can i pay more for more cameras yeah i'm like less cameras makes it sexier i'm confused so they were like no and by the way the rules are different here in in the uk or i guess in london for strip clubs and i go what do you

mean they're like lap dances get this lap dances in london no touching what? yeah what is the point of a lap dance in a private they have private rooms all over the place they're like they can use this private room this one this one's $400 this one's $600 and then you go in and the women just take

off their top and dance for you just at a closer proximity no grinding? no no touching at all no on your lap you can't touch them they can't touch you there's no touching they just dance in front of you andrew have you ever heard of anything post-covid no this is this is free no i've heard of like strip clubs where they'll they can you just can't touch them like a lot of it i've heard of that you can't touch them but that kind of falls or they have tat they know fully topless but they can't touch them like a lot of it i've heard of that you can't touch them but that kind of even falls or they have tat they know fully topless but they can't that means they they cannot get on your there's no lap this is a yeah a dance this is just a dance that's not on a stage

and it costs you 400 more to have them on the on sea level and he's gonna know it's you if you grind he's gonna be like wait this girl is bad so this girl's really when i heard that i go i had already paid them my portion of the money that i was gonna give them the rest later and so i would have just said let me just pretend to be a cocktail waitress then like let me just get them in the vip area and walk in and be like what do you boys need like that's the same thing this is gonna be because i can't you're not you guys can't touch them what i wanted it to be was like know, we are a couple that talks about like, you know, fun stuff.

And I wanted to walk in with him having all these girls on him, touching him, like, like him kind of entranced. I wanted that. So it was pointless to me after I found out they're just, he's going to a dance recital essentially. Like who can't, like i just put him in a room with a laptop and have like him watching hustlers it was like what is going on here and then you come in dressed like a computer yeah yeah that's so funny who wants drinks that's our role play

if your if your boyfriend's addicted to porn just dress up like a laptop dress up like a pop-up window make sure it's a skinny razor one oh yeah um i love the idea too of him texting you because he was so sad because he missed you and then he goes to trip club he's like i don't know like i feel good now like he did not you're seeing in real time no offense to holly uh cassandra and uh crystal who by the way i also talked to them about how they figured out their names because i was like oh i'm trying to become a pop star and i'm gonna make a name for myself and it's so fun because you get to like name yourself and they were talking to me about how they came up with it and one girl was like oh i just had a crush on this girl all of grade school. So I just named myself her name.

And then another girl was like, I just Googled top 10 stripper names and I picked one. And then another girl was like, I think it's just my name. So then. So then. So I'm in the bathroom like, why did I just waste all this money? Whatever. Who cares? It's going to be fun.

Are you anxious at all? like, why did I just waste all this money? Whatever. Who cares? It's going to be fun. Are you anxious at all? Well, I did send, I'll play a thing that I sent the group chat for my girlfriends. And you can kind of see me in the bathroom waiting. I am in a strip club bathroom. And Chris is about to arrive. And I don't even know what the plan is. But I'm here and we're doing it. Okay, so that was me.

I was a little bit nervous. Very closer. Very closer. Like exactly like Natalie Portman closer. Okay, so I am in there and just like kind of, I'm not freaking out because I already paraded around in it in the club and I kind of felt like Oh I'm just like one of the gals

Even though the gals are wearing like thong lingerie Wait if you were walking around the club Were you getting solicited by men for lap dances? There was no men there yet Like it was kind of like day Yeah it was too early already But I have been to a strip club before Where I dress normally and I got groped by a man once

that was an old man and he thought i was a stripper so it was kind of flattering but also like what the fuck dude um but i could have i literally was like oh i there's no difference between me i just watched the j-lo documentary about her in that movie hustlers and she plays a stripper in that and i'm like this is just there's no there's nothing wrong with what i'm doing i'm just playing a character like i could do this and it was really fun and exhilarating to dress that suggestively and it was empowering because these girls are walking around naked without a care in the world like not naked but you know in lingerie just and it's no different than being at the pool let me just be honest like there's no difference between what these girls are wearing and what you see at a you know especially in miami on the beach so i am waiting in the bathroom and then

hamish texts me two minutes after they say they've arrived he texts me there's been a kerfuffle and i'm googling kerfuffle because hamish is a um hamish is so funny let me just read some of these texts um with him like hamish blake is i think the funniest man alive i just might say this um so he says hey glazy it's hamish here from australia and soon iceland i hear whispers you could join us in london this would be a giant cherry yet still perfectly proportioned and looks great in any kind of outfit cherry on the trip he said are we secret squirreling this what can i do to help i said okay i know it's a crazy idea and maybe two out there but my ideal surprise would be for him to go to a strip club and get a lap dance in a dark room alone and i show up you think that could happen i feel like it's something he'd be down to do on

his birthday he said i am with hado right now hado is one of the guys on the trip and if our giggles and screams and yelling are anything to go by i'd say now we've calmed down in a new in a cool nonchalant voice yeah whatevs babe sounds cool so funny yes to this it will be a real slog for hado and i but i guess theoretically we could start investigating london's best strip clubs and so then he gets back to me and he's like okay he goes secret squirrel hado has a friend who is a BLL bleeding local Londoner and he tells us platinum lace is the kind of place we should go to pull off your surprise I'm not sure how we're going to pull this off

since you really can't rock up and walk up and be like I'm on tonight but if but in my vision you are already at the club in a false mustache reading the newspaper we exchange discreet nods when we walk in I organize a lovely lady to take Chris somewhere and word her up more discreet nods when we walk in i organize a lovely lady to take chris somewhere and word her up more discreet nods are had you slink in surprise executed you guys kiss confetti

falls from the ceiling some other guy sees the kids some other guy sees this and thinks you're allowed to kiss the girls a fight breaks out some genuine london bobbies are called we take off their helmets and bongo chris's favorite song the cops are too impressed to be angry we're made honorary dukes and duchesses scene thoughts and so um later on he goes hey nick are we still good to go for operation dancer in the dark i think we have everything settled at the same venue i think we'll be getting there maybe at 10 and then he goes in and he goes um operation update you're on mazen's list so say something like i'm with mazen in english should be a great way to get clear access then you can get in before us and set up and lay low heck get a few dances and close some deals with business associates and then he writes

the eagles have landed and then uh so we're in there and he goes um we're texting back and forth about like oh what's what's gonna happen um chris just walked in the room by the way chris i'm reading my exchange my messages you want to say hi oh come on say hi everyone knows you and loves you hey everybody uh we're i'm in the middle hey chris i'm just oh you're just looking okay he's trying to help me plug in my stuff i think i'm good for now. Wait, let's see how much time I have. Let's just go until it's, just so I can finish the story.

Babe, you're the best. Thank you so much. But seriously, get the fuck out of here. I'm just kidding. He goes, you're so close, Raven. That's your code name, by the way. And so he's just, it's so fun to coordinate with him. I said, okay, so it's two of them. They will approach you guys like you have called ahead

and arranged it. Crystal and Holly. They know the birthday boy's name is Chris. He said, Crystal and Holly, welcome to the codename game. You're outstanding. This is wonderful. And he says, copy that, Raven. He calls me Raven. We are in the lobby waiting for SeaWorld, which is Chris, and Vaughn, trying not to hurry him

to the point of suspicion, but also, you know, kind of hurrying him. And I said, just let him know you guys have something planned. Just hurry him up. And he goes, okay. I like when someone has a nickname and the other one is just their real name.

It's like the strippers. So then. It's like T-Pain and Jeff. I got a little lazy in the second half of that. It's hard to nickname everyone. It really is. Especially when there's like 15 people involved. Yeah, so go ahead.

So he goes, now we have the money. So he goes, we are outside. Then John decided to go to the ATM. And he knows the plan. John. And I said, okay, I have service in here because I'm in the bathroom. And then I hooked up to a hotel, local hotel'sfi because before i was got nothing in there and by the way this i'm sorry this is so disjointed but i'm in the bathroom because they will not let me security won't let me sit in a area by myself where i could

be watching but like not be seen and my wig is too much like my own hair like i kind of brought bought the wig as um oh so i bought a bunch of wigs off amazon just to figure out while i'm in the silent mode to figure out like my character with my pop star character so i bought a bunch of wigs but i didn't want to bring buy a dark wig because i'm just not feeling like my character's gonna have dark hair even though that would have been the perfect wig for this because it looks so much not like me so anyway i'm in a wig that kind of looks like me so i don't want to be too um conspicuous yes conspicuous so i'm trying to hide out and then as soon as i go in this little back section

and i'm not in like the back areas i'm just like in a little booth by myself security comes up to me and it's like you need to get out of here and i was like you can't be here what are you doing and i'm like oh i have like a thing i'm surprising my boyfriend no sense of humor they don't want to play they're like no get out of here. And I go, fine, I'll go to the bathroom and hide. Like, you can't get me in there. So I go in the bathroom. And by the way, the strippers say to me, the second you come in the room and kick us out.

And first of all, you can't do anything with him physical. And I go, but he's, you know, what if we were boyfriend, girlfriend just came into the club? And they're like, well, the security doesn't know that you're dressed like this. They're going to think you're a dancer. And I go, tell them I'm not and that I can kiss him. And they're like, the second they see you kiss him, they're going to pounce on you. I'm like, well, the security doesn't know that you're dressed like this. They're going to think you're a dancer. And I go, tell them I'm not and that I can kiss them. And they're like, the second they see you kiss them, they're going to pounce on you. I'm like, well, then fine.

I don't care. But I'm also like, why can't they? For some reason, the girls and the security and the management are not connected. Like, there is no. And the girls also all of a sudden stumble upon this problem where they're like, wait a second. What if as soon as these guys walk in,

we've already worked out with Nikki or whatever my name is that, um, Raven that I, um, they've worked out that I'm, they're going to grab Chris right away. And then all of a sudden it dawns on them and they go, but what if the other girls get mad? Because it looks like we're like, just like scooping it in too quickly. And I'm like, tell the other girls i picked you and that we planned this and they're like um no like it was so the politics of a strip club kind of emerged as just seedy and

like not being able to communicate with each other and everyone's out for themselves it's like kind of like the serengeti like it's just every man for themselves and so i'm in the bathroom then hamish types in after he goes okay we now have the money heading back into this. The kerfuffle. Yes. He goes, we have the money now heading back over the road to this little inconspicuous little mom and pop strip club. I said, so the management doesn't know the plan.

It's like the girls felt we are telling them. So once I reveal myself, I can't touch him or do a private dance because there's no touching rule here, even for lap dances. And there are cameras in the private rooms. So it's going to be a real quick reveal, and there's no point for me to be dressed like a stripper because I can't even touch him. He says, we're here.

And then seconds later, he says, here at 5.50. 5.52. I mean, this is- So early for- Well, no, it's 11 o'clock there. But for some reason, it converted to this time. So it's 5.50 in Boston. He goes, there seems to be a kerfuffle, dot, dot, dot.

And I'm like, uh-oh. Like, there's problems because the security is like, there's a girl hiding in the bathroom. At this point, I'm in the bathroom for 20 minutes, and I'm guessing they've noticed, and they're like, this mysterious girl that, like, was giving us trouble already and talking to strippers and plotting.

Yes. And so, and I'm waiting waiting there's no one coming into the bathroom because it's a woman's bathroom at a strip club it's the safest place it's like honestly if you want to go record a podcast that's take a shit yeah go there yeah and so he says and then i google kerfuffle because hamish has such a grasp on the language i'm like i know what a kerfuffle is but what is his definition of it and it says like you know a like a fight a confused like you know a i forget the definition but i was like oh no so then there's a fight over truffles and then i write yeah and then he go i go at 552 there seems to be a kerfuffle 554 what's

going on did we get made that's what i say i say made as an and I took me a while to come up with that word because I'm like there's a word that means like when the gig is jig is up you know and I said yeah and then at so 554 what's going on did we get made that's two minutes after he says kerfuffle that it's 602 I write I hear nothing I'm assuming all hell has broken

loose I'm in the bathroom still awaiting any intel then at 607 I get a message that says go go go but by the way it did not deliver at 607 it was since at 607 i was in there from 602 until boner for a while now yes so now i am in there from 602 until 620 when the one of the strippers one of the three holly runs into the bathroom and goes it's we're almost done because i said the the the amount of dance i paid for is 10 minutes and i'm supposed to come in i wanted to come in at about eight minutes but once i found out they don't

touch them i was like i'll come in at two minutes i mean like who cares it doesn't matter and i and i and i said two minutes because i did not want chris to have to sit there and like humor these girls who are just dancing for him like it's just so embarrassing like he would just be so so I run out this is I'm in the bathroom for 25 minutes now that he Hamish said go at 607 I am running out uh 13 minutes later so these girls have given an extra long strip dance which I tipped with someone else's money later on extra so I John so i run out hamish is there i throw hamish my bag i run across the room following holly holly i hear i hurt see her slip into the curtain and i hear chris go oh where did you go you're just taking off like he's just trying to

make small talk and i peer inside and i notice that all the girls are topless and before they weren't and i'm like oh i forgot about the topless part and so i quickly just like pull up my top up to my like i didn't even take it off i just put it up to my like neck so i can be topless too you know and i peel back the curtain and i walk in and i'm like uh and and and then chris goes well hello is this? And I'm just like quiet. And I just kind of like stared him. And like, just like, and he goes, oh my God. And he gets up and he goes, hi, what's your name? I'm Chris.

And I go, and he's like so polite. It's so sweet. He was like, hi, what's your name? I'm Chris. And he's just being like, I know exactly. Wait, your tits are fully out right now? Yes. So I just pulled it.

I quickly just pulled it out. Is there anyone else in the room? The two other girls. It's just you and the strippers and Chris? It's just Chris. Right before I walked in, there's like a curtain partition. You know, it's like curtained off. So I peer in and I see their topless

and I go, oh fuck, I forgot the topless part. So he goes, hi, I'm Chris. Nice to meet you. Puts out his hand and he gets up from the couch and I go, we're not allowed to touch you, sir. Not even on the hand. But I go, my name's nicky and he goes hi nick oh my god and then he screams and he just like scoops me up and we fall onto the couch and he's just like oh my god oh my god and we are running and then the girls are just like

clapping they're so excited because they were in on it they were just like oh my god like they were so happy and like so excited they were were like, we were like stalling. And I go, I was in the bathroom. I didn't get any reception. And Chris is like, I can't believe it too. I can't believe this.

What, what is happening? What is happening? And he was just so freaking cute and so happy. It was so adorable. It was the best. Like he cannot get over how much the surprise meant to him, but I can't get over how much his reaction

meant to me because of course i knew he was gonna have a good response but it was so sweet i i know that women understand what i'm talking about and and men in relationships too with men like your man is always like this masculine energy like i've got it like i'm you know there's something about when a man is like needs needs you and is just like, so relieved and like, just doesn't want to let go. And it's just like, I missed you so much. Like, he has just been in like a Shackleton expedition in the Arctic. Like, and he was just like, just a, and he hasn't been around women. Like, there's been no feminine energy.

Like, and so he was like, just so holding on to me so tight. And then we finally like we have then the security guard immediately comes in it's like get out of here you know like you guys got to get out i'm like he's my boyfriend i don't work here and he's like well you do now and he sends me hands me a w9 and so then i go out and um it's so sweet like i thought instantly chris would be like you know oh my god you got it like because he was very excited for me to meet all of his friends and two of those friends i had not met before it was i knew vaughn i knew um hamish and then it was john and then this other guy guppy and i didn't

know those guys and he was he's always been very excited for me to meet him so i thought it was just like gonna be me coming back to the table the guys are already in this vip section like throngs of strippers in there because these guys are so hot and clearly have money they're in a vip section there's like all the strippers in the club are in this vip section and chris is just like we're just in this like outside the room and he just like takes me to the corner he's just like i can't believe you're here and just he just is like let's should we let's just leave let's just go and he's just like what and i'm like wait i thought we were going to hang out for a few more days.

He's like, oh, yeah. And then he's kissing me. And I'm just so obsessed with the rules of this place of you can't kiss, you can't touch. And I'm dressed like a stripper that I keep kind of making the kisses short. Just kind of like, okay, we're done here. You're like, do you have $2,000 to Chris? I know a room. i got a room and uh that's so funny and and so he goes do you not want to kiss me and i was like no there's rules here

i'm paranoid about the rules he was like so it was just so then i go we are just like in this corner for like 10 minutes just like you know he is just so happy to see me it is so freaking cute i am loving every second of it and then we go back and we you know have to chat up the strippers and like here's one thing i learned about strippers so i mean i meet all of his friends it was so fun to see all those guys and um and they are just like you know birthday schmurthy they are just so focused on like you know just having a good time and they're being they're so respectful this is not debaucherous at all i want to make that very clear like these guys are all like the sweetest like and they have families and they're just being respectful these girls are just like

it's like they're all doing a podcast these girls they're just like talking to them and these girls are very i realized i am one of the best people when it comes to small talk i am truly a you know when you do radio for a really long time and you interview people and you sometimes interview duds and you like you have to be good at keeping conversation going i can pretty much do it with anyone when i was waiting for chris to show up and biding my time with these strippers at the table i felt like oh these girls are so bored they don't want to talk to me. Like I have no, I have money for them,

but I've already paid them and they know it's like a flat rate. They're not going to like juice me up and get more. I'm not like there for them. They are, strippers are the best at small talk ever, ever because this is all they do.

They had the best little lines to like, I was studying them of just how they keep conversation going i go back over to this section with the vip section they're chatting up these guys and just and they're so excited about me being there with chris and they're introducing themselves and they're they're just but it is so transactional i mean the next day the guys left shortly after the the we left right away like five minutes later we left and we're like we're gonna go back to our private room at the hotel and um the guys we we met them up with them the next day and got the scoop of what happened they stayed like 10 minutes longer

on the way to the hotel i kept on my i kept on my outfit i kept on my wig like i walked out on the street like i was getting off work it was so fun I was and we get back to the hotel by the way and I'm in a pink wig there this is a really nice hotel it's the cadigan if you know um anything about London it's where Oscar Wilde was like arrested it's like very famous it's in this nice part of town so I walk into the cadigan um there's like a couple outside like smoking this like rich couple that's like you know on vacation and Chris and i get out of this like sleek uber you know and i'm in a wig with platform leopard print heels on that i wore on jimmy kimmel but like with my outfit they looked insane i'm wearing this really tiny skirt a crop top with like dangly things and um and i and he goes you know that they think you're a prostitute and i go oh my god yes and i go so

do you do this often to chris like loudly in the lobby and i'm like i've been here before this is a nice place what floor are you like i'm just like playing it up it was so fun but um we found out the next day that these girls who were so nice and i was like oh my god we're leaving these guys with these girls and they are going to have the best night because these girls are like so down they're like oh my god they know each other's names they're all getting along they said as soon as the guys went to like this like they were um they you know they pay these girls well because they you know wanted to treat them like you know they're working so they paid them for the conversation to hang and um hamish was talking about on the way out he was just like

the girls were like well we'll walk you on the way out he was just like the girls were like well we'll walk you out you know and he's walking and the girls like kind of like the girls are like behind him a little bit he's walking ahead and he's like thank you so much for like figuring out this surprise it was such a great night you guys really put all the effort and he said by the time he got to he had been talking to himself for like a minute and a half because as soon as the money stopped they peeled peeled off. It's so transactional. It's so fucking interesting. That's my strip club story.

We're going to take a quick break and we're going to come back with more because I got to change up this power cord. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the

information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early, well, How to Money will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right. How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays,

for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors and with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups

this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else ready to laugh and stay informed listen on the iHeartRadio app Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers.

I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, Minnie Questions. Over the years, we have had some incredible guests. People like Courtney Cox, star of the infinitely beloved sitcom Friends, EGOT winner Viola Davis, and former Prime Minister of the UK, Tony Blair. And now, Mini Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions,

including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Each episode is a new person's story with new lessons, new memories, and new connections to show us how we're both similar and unique. Listen to Mini Questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. We want to speak out, we want to raise awareness and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn and I'm an investigative journalist.

When a group of models from the UK wanted my help, I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a playboy dog. Lingerie, topless. I said, yes, please. Because at the center of this murky world is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his pattern of behavior. He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it. He's everywhere and has been everywhere. It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated. Together, we're going to expose him

and the rotten industry he works in. It's not just me. We're an army in comparison to him. Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager. Responsible and driven and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction.

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A story told in 12 steps. Listen to Crems as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network. Available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, we're back and um we have actually a special guest he's back and better than ever it is birthday boy he's 41 and he's fresh and what 41 and tons of fun oh yeah happy birthday good thanks buddy um uh chris convie is here um he's been a guest

on the show many times before so i just told the entire story of the surprise all the way to us leaving all the way to us recapping with the guys the next day i mean everything um can we just get i guess um noah andrew do you have any specific questions for him because i'm i'm just guessing from a perspective of someone who just heard the story, what gaps you would like filled in from Chris. Was there any inclination or any knowing that she was going to come? Or was this a million percent a surprise? I know she set it up very well.

Yeah, a million percent surprise because she had sent me a picture. I mean, that sort of thing you know in your in your body and in your heart where all your friends and family are like it's not like i'm the top of your mind but you i know where nikki is you know like i knew where everybody is and you know they weren't in london you know the only guys in london were the were the the slices i have and the guys i was with and first of all also to pull off a surprise of i've done things like this before it's no easy task and to to coordinate with a strip with a strip club i mean it's a little lawlessness so true oh it is it is lawless so the amount of work that people had to do while like nikki's preparing for surgery and then you know i've got these guys that are like

doing heavy relaxing or wild or like insane cycling in like weird conditions. So I'm just so appreciative that everybody, you know, did everything they did to pull this off. And I was absolutely just, it was just one of the most shocking moments of my entire life. I was talking about how you were in the room with the girls and just because it's a lap dance that doesn't get there's no lap being it's pretty much they're just doing a dance recital for you from a distance and how you even said afterwards. I was alarmed that Hamish hadn't written me back. I thought it was delayed. So when I realized that you had been in that room trying to make small talk and just be polite to these women dancing when there's no interaction, there's Everything that's fun about a lap dance was not a part of that. Can you just say what was going on in the room?

You were just being polite to the girls. You almost. Yeah, I was talking to them about their lives, asking them where they were from while they're just dancing and doing the same moves. And once a song ended, I was like, okay, great. The guys bought me this thing. I done what what you know what you're supposed to do when your friends ask you to tell you you have to do this thing i went to the room and i was like

okay great and then another song started and i was like i don't know if i can do this because you're just sitting there and these three women they're so sweet crystal holly and camilla camilla yeah i said cassandra yes or camilla's from spain yes yeah and and then the other when i when i came in the room and then right after you were like it's so funny because i was about to tell them i was because we were talking i was like you know they're like where are you from and i was like do you know where nelly is from so like nelly is like my benchmark for everything when people because nobody knows what st louis is i mean from they're in london they're from camille's from spain like i'm just like do you know nelly they're like and and it's harder at younger now and so i always am like you

know nelly you know that song you know hot and here and all these things and they're like oh yeah yeah i'm like i'm from where that guy's from they're like oh really cool and then i start talking to them about like where they're from and all these things and i am like moments away from from being like uh hey i'm gonna be i'm gonna be back here am i allowed to say this i'm gonna be back here next year uh with my girlfriend you guys should come to her show she would really like you guys. Like, I'm on the cusp of saying that. And Holly, like, leaves. And I'm like, oh, okay.

So, this is winding down and, you know, stuff like that. And they're like, what? They said, like, oh, should we come to St. Louis sometime? I'm like, oh, yeah. You would love my family and friends would love you guys. You'd be great. And then Holly comes back in. And just your sweetness when I hear through the room like,

where'd you go? Like you were just, you know, you'll take anything you can get to create conversation. And the fact that this girl left and then came back, like I can just hear, I know Chris so well

that I know he is just trying to come up like, oh, the fact that she left and came back that's a thing to comment on that isn't their boobs in front of him so he's just like oh where'd you go so you're back you're just taking off like that like he just made some kind of comment and then that's when I came in yeah and I mean I was giving him

compliments too I was like you guys are great your boyfriends must be you know very proud like you know you're just like trying to be really really supportive father's not so much they're like do you want to do blow off our ass and shut up yeah like can you just stop the other thing is like you know i'm 40 i'm 41 i just turned 41 that day and you some of these people are too are too young to be, like they're just too young for me.

And so you're just like, just trying to be like complimentary and nice. And respectful. And respectful, yeah. Yeah, I always think of you. You're just patting them on the top of the head and giving them like a mint. You're like, oh, you're doing good. As soon as he turned the strike of 41 at midnight,

you get Werther's originals that just materialize in your coat pocket. And none of these girls were like, seemed like these transactional, like they just seemed like sweet girls that were like, you know, they had a job to do and it was entertain me for unfortunately like seven minutes or something. Yeah, it was so long. Part of me thinks it's like

the accent like because it's so we just think they could like if you if I hear that accent you're smarter than me right away so for the stripper with a very like posh English accent I think there's no way she's taking off her clothes for money that what do people in London

do they think any accent sounds smarter than them? Because to us, it is like the top. I've got Holly's number. We should call her. 34-26-22. Yeah, she's coming to the shows in May. We really should get Crystal, Holly, and Camilla to come to the shows.

We've got to go back there. I doubt they'll all still be working there because they're probably murdered by then. But it was a nefarious place. But no, they'll probably still be. We've got to go back to platinum lace if you are in london what what was that part of town i think it was piccadilly circus yeah piccadilly circus uh platinum lace on um in in piccadilly circus was the place to go and it was really nice but it i just don't understand will you explain to me the appeal of getting a lap dance when you can't be touched like what is the difference between a stage?

I guess it's personal. They're looking at you and there's eye contact. I've never been a part of that situation. What would be the purpose? There's private rooms everywhere. Nothing. I mean, for nothing. For like two minutes, you're like, oh, this is cool.

There's like a variety of nice people to hang out with. But then, you know, that novelty wears off pretty quickly and you know it's yeah it doesn't it doesn't seem like the most exciting thing to happen for more than two minutes and i told them that when we were walking back in the hotel they were like you were like they think you're a prostitute and i was like did you do this often? Sir? I should have done it with my accent that I was practicing. There was hints

of Julia Roberts like from Pretty Woman going back into that hotel. There totally was. That was kind of like the outfit, the crop. The video was showing

and then the pink hair. She wouldn't kiss you on the mouth. That wig's not going anywhere. I wouldn't kiss you on the mouth. That's just because I hadn't brushed my teeth in a while.

Well, now we're in boston chris and i um spent all day in london yesterday not all day we slept till one and then we went around london londontown i had to go get a covid test i went to starbucks then we went to mcdonald's we had a really great british day we walked into the place where nikki was getting you know it's a really cold like medical type place where where nikki got her covid test she was like behold london town the only thing we had done in london together was to go get nikki's covid test i was like i love seeing the sights london i was like oh look big ben and it was just a clock on the wall in this sad medical office big ben is just a guy giving you the shot. Yes, a guy named Benjamin.

It was, yeah, and I got to, it was my first time in London. I saw Buck, we went to Buckingham Palace. We scooped by there. We just had a really great day. And then the best part of it all was just, you know, I'm so used to just traveling alone. And if I haven't traveled alone,

it's always been with andrew andrew and i are very good travel companions like we kind of like talk when we need to we sit separately when we don't need to i never like traveling with someone like sitting next to them like andrew and i always sit separately on the plane like i just don't want an expectation we have to talk i have to say i love traveling with you my baby baby Chris. High five on that. Hey, my baby Chris. He's 41 now, Nikki. He's a grown man. My big Ben.

He is SeaWorld. It was just so fun because yesterday, SeaWorld, you get it, Noah. I was in a little bit of a mood because we got stuck in terrible traffic. I thought we were going to miss our flight. I flight i was like this is all gonna get fucked up and then you know i think the best couples when someone gets anxious the other person smooths it out and when another person's anxious the other person's smooth and um yeah chris just like kept it together there were some slow people at the airport checking our bags and they wouldn't get out of the way they're just like lingering you know when you get your bags like checked and you get out there's a long line that these people have just waited in and

been they were just as nervous about making their flight and they get up to the counter and they take their time and then they get their bags checked and the bags go in and the woman has loved them behind the counter and then they just stand there and they go and they start pointing like and then if i go this way and then and then they show them their ticket again and go so the ticket on this they just find shit to ask that they can literally figure out anywhere else from like a guy at a kiosk and they but people love doing this they and i am enraged there's these people in front of us that are just taking their time and so i rudely am like oh just take your time i said it loudly and chris goes we don't need to do that like it was a quick

like no and I go but they're just and it was just such a moment of like I was embarrassed because it was like the worst part of me that just likes to like say a little like cutting thing behind someone so that they can hear it but if they were to confront me I'd immediately be like I'm sorry I didn't mean to say that but Chris was just like we don't need to do that and then Chris is the loveliest person to the woman helping us. And so much so that she like makes it extra special for us to go through. Like it was just good to have you there to offset my, you know. Yeah, it was a straight.

It was supposed to take us a half hour to get to the airport. And then it took us two. And Nikki's obviously got this surgery coming up. So obviously Nikki's stressed because she wants to make the flight. And any little error at this point, it like the our whole plan becomes unraveled and then it's this whole issue of getting flights rebooked and staying in london and all these things so i understand why you felt that way but it was like i also have this thing when i'm abroad where i want yes i if i do something like unbecoming or untoward i say oh man i can't wait to get back to Canada to eat some syrup.

And so if I ever do anything- You save America's face? Yeah. So if I'm walking on the wrong side of the sidewalk and I almost run into somebody and I was like, oh, sorry, that's not how we do it in Toronto. And so I'm always blaming things on Canada. But when people have your passport- Where Nickelback's from

yeah they know you're American that's a good point your passport was there and I will say the people that I go yeah take your time they did have someone in a wheelchair with them so that was like but the wheelchair guy was out of the way already that was so I did feel

and I like to give people in wheelchairs the same respect that I give feel And I like to give people in wheelchairs The same respect That I give everyone else like I'll Definitely hold yeah I don't like when people are A little bit more babyish with people in Wheelchairs or people who are handicapped I understand Giving them space and like letting like

Holding doors for them helping them and reaching A shelf like I will go out of my way to do Things that they literally can't do but I'm Not gonna act like people in wheelchairs aren't still like assholes and this person wasn't an asshole it was the people that were with them but i think that because they had a person in wheelchair with them they got to like be extra like we need more space even though they didn't the person in the wheelchair was already on the go and i just like i have a 41 year old man i have to carry around you don't see me acting like an asshole

I have my little baby Chris little baby Carlos carriers my baby Bjorn okay so that was our episode about my surprise any other final thoughts about the Suprees what just how thankful I am to you

and Hamish is like the funniest person alive and and also like the kindest like like most thoughtful he planned this whole trip and then the fact that you two teamed up to do something so extraordinary was just i'm so appreciative of it and i've just so it was just one of the greatest things that's ever happened and shout out to vaughn for making it possible too and shout out to john for paying $200 that he didn't let me reimburse him for of the lap dance. And then to Hato.

No, thank you. No, no. Hato actually found the strip club. And so shout out to Hato for that. Thank you so much. And like,

everyone was just on board and, and gave us space. They weren't trying to make it about them. Like we left, we didn't even have to say goodbye to them. Like it was just a special night for us. And, and also thank you to London and Holly and Cassandra and I mean, Camilla and Crystal.

And also, I don't know. This is the problem though, babe. It was so nice to me. Is that I don't know how to top it. Like last year, I did a really good gift. The problem with Chris is that people go- Bottomless next year well yeah well last year i always i throughout our relationship i've tried to buy you gifts like shirts and like bags and stuff like that i have never once bought you a tangible item

that you have like used and actually used in your life i think one time i bought you backpacks from like raven's craft or like raven's fjord or whatever and it was like a backpack i knew you wanted so i nailed it but every other present has been a fail not because he's mean or anything it's just sometimes you just don't get it right and or the sizing right and i was looking at shirts to buy you i was looking at all these things and this was already when i had the surprise planned i am giving up on tangible gifts for you it's all going to be either old Conan sketch people surprising you. That was the birthday present last year. Or it's going to be me.

But it's always got to be a gift for you. Because my friends on the WhatsApp chat were like, oh my God, you're such a good girlfriend. You do the best surprises. And I go, if I could buy him a shirt, I would. But I can't. So that's why this has to happen. That's why you fly 12 hours.

The last thing I would like to do while I'm on the show is give you a very public thank you. Because it was the greatest gift in the world. I needed you so bad and I wanted you to be there so badly. And I wanted you to meet those guys. Like, you know, like you've met Hamish. He's the greatest man alive. But Guppy and John were so great. And I wanted that moment.

And you heard me say that weeks and weeks and weeks ago. And you made it happen. And you you brought me. Nikki showed up. I didn't have a flight home. I didn't know what I was going to do. So Nikki Blake showed up and just brought me home. She paid for my flight home, got me seated next to her.

And it was just I don't know. It was really special and cool. And he's the best. And we watched Licorice Pizza and we hated it. Don't see it. It's overrated. Really bad. Great performances. A lot of cool looking things. Amazing performances.

Philip Seymour Hoffman's son. Definitely an amazing. He is going to be a tour de force. I'm using that word a lot. Also Alana Haim. Alana Haim is the lead. Amazing actress. So good. Filled with amazing actors.

Shot beautifully. Paul Thomas Anderson. Beautifully directed film. But the plot was a waste of my time. A waste of our lives. It didn't make any sense. It brought us closer as a couple. We hated it.

And also, there's a pedophilic relationship that no one really comments on throughout the whole thing. And I'm confused. It felt like a similar story between me and Crystal. That's her real name. That's why we didn't like it. It was too raw for us.

All right. So that's the show. Can I say one thing? It was my birthday the other day and I had besties reach out to me to say happy birthday. And it was so cool, you know, because I've only been on the show a few times to have those people reach out and say something so nice so thank you to Andrew Noah and Nikki for having such cool

amazing people in their lives that they reached out to me to say happy birthday so thank you you're part of the show now and they love you and happy birthday brother happy birthday thanks dog great to see you too good to see you all right well that's the show thank you guys very much. We will be back next week with another show

and hang tight while I'm recovering and we might have some special stuff planned for you as I learn how to type. We'll see and can't wait. Stay tuned. Stay with us. Keep subscribing and love you guys so much. Don't be cool and

Jack. Jack. Jack. Come on, then. Post. Post. Jack Post. Follow him on Instagram.

He's a friend of ours. He's a good guy. Jack Post. Great posting. Yeah, he's killing it. Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there

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