The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #278 Tagging Out

Episode Date: October 12, 2022

Nikki is the kind of gal that likes a planned surprise when it comes to engagements, Andrew won't be able to get up from getting down on one knee. Nikki won on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and talks about what happened behind the scenes. Over the weekend it may have been Nikki's parents who were the stars of Tom Segura's show. Andrew is very close to getting Nikki to join him at his F45 class. In Nikki's Reddit Dump we discover a new way to get around if we feel lazy, try to feel good about accomplishments and find long term partnership benefits. In the Final Thought Nikki announces that she will be on a float at the St. Louis Thanksgiving Day Parade singing the National Anthem. ---- Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Get Pod Merch: Podshop.NikkiGlaser.com Nikki's Tour Dates: www.nikkiglaser.com/tour Andrew's Tour Dates: www.andrewcollincomedy.com   More Nikki: IG More Andrew: IG  More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. Welcome to the show. It's Monday, Tuesday. It feels like Monday because we taped yesterday's episode on Friday. But thankfully, nothing huge happened over the weekend that we failed to comment on yesterday because it was a pre-tape. I'm always grateful for that. I'm thinking, was there any crazy news that happened over the weekend that we could never-

Personal live or- No. I mean, people are like, you haven't commented on. Well, there's a lot of. What happened in your life over the weekend? Now I want to know. Oh. You go personal life?

Andrew's a changed man. I got engaged. You did? No. I was like, don't do that to us. I can only think like. She said no.

She said no. I almost got engaged. I got down on a knee and then I couldn't get up. And she's like, I need someone younger. I got down on a knee and then I couldn't get up. And she's like, I need someone younger. I saw a really cute, I guess, thing on Reddit. That's not a part of Reddit Dom today, but a guy was planning getting engaged for a whole year.

And so every time they took a picture, he would bend down a little bit more. And so the girl just didn't even notice anything because every six weeks or whatever, they'd be at dinner or something or out and look nice. He would just take a picture where he's kind of falling over slowly. And then eventually he falls on the ground.

Then he does a flip. And then he gets up and he's on his knee. And then that's the final picture. And it was just like this long game you saw of him, which is cute because I like when someone has a long... When someone's not just... They've wanted to marry you for a whole year. It wasn't like they just did it because they talked about it with their friends for a week and we're

like it's time you know you like a like a lot of effort it's like the opposite of the evolution guy but i also love yeah you're right i like the idea of him like like they get in a fight he starts standing back yeah you can always's like a lot of like. You can always get out of it. And she can just show the picture to people and be like, good, I'm glad he left you. He looked like he was having some kind of back scoliosis issue. He's trying to suck his own dick. No, you know what?

I like a plan. I like a surprise. I just like someone. Wow, those are two very different things. Yeah. A plan surprise. A plan surprise. A plan surprise.

But I also love a spur of the moment. Like I always am very different things. A planned surprise. A planned surprise. A planned surprise. But I also love a spur of the moment. I always am very into those. We got engaged. It was just us alone in my bathroom, and he just knew in that moment. I like that, too. So I'm all over the place. What would be your ideal engagement? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Perfect engagement. Good question. One that was not for anyone but us. It was an inside joke for us. Maybe it was a big surprise that leads to this big thing, but it's something that isn't like... If it ended up being

a viral video or a story we told the rest of our lives, it would kind of not be my favorite because it feels like it was for other people. Same with tattoos. i don't want a tattoo that means something to everyone what would that entail though something like that everyone can see like uh like a 12-piece band comes out your whole family's there uh somehow he invited like 1500 of your fans to come or i would be furious i would be furious it could be one of those things where he's like

you're not really gonna be mad you know like when someone's like oh so that means he wants it you know i like the one that was at sea world or whatever i mean i hate sea world oh when but like there was like this um what's it called when they have like raven like like a oh god the guys that have um the eagles okay like that they they do those shows falconer thank you i love that word so they had a falconer and this girl you know the falcon falc the falcon rest yeah the falcon rest was like you know does anyone in the crowd have five dollars henry here loves money and so this girl instantly waves a $5 note because I think it was in Australia. And she waves a five pacer. And she's waving in the air.

And the falcon just goes straight to her and then comes back and she goes, okay, well, thank you. He loves that $5. Thank you so much. He's going to send back your receipt. And so then the fal to send back your receipt. And so then the falcon sends back a receipt. And the boyfriend's right next to the girl. And the girl, she's like, make sure he got it right.

That it says $5. And then the receipt said, will you marry me? And then she just goes, oh. And then she looks next to her and the guy's on his knee. I thought that was kind of cute. That is nice to bring the bird into it. Yeah. I mean, you're not going to say no to that. The falcon's going to be upset upset you're in front of a crowd there's you know the fucking i mean it took a lot of work

later that's the thing you could always break off in a games but that's what kind of annoys me when i have friends that get engaged and they're like i don't know about it i'm like you can still get out it doesn't mean anything this means literally there's no contract i guess the ring is the contract then at that point but then keep the ring or give it back or who can or like buy yourself a ring i don't know it's just i think so many people think that they can't get out of things would you want to look at some point i never understood the looking at the ring with the guy i was just like noah you can get out of it you know like you're not supposed to tell no. Anya, Noah, you can leave your partner. Yeah. At your law firm.

I mean, what are we talking about? What did you say? No, when you look for the ring with the guy, it's like, you know, I just feel like that takes kind of the surprise out of it. Then it's like, okay, now we're just kind of. Well, this is a piece of jewelry you have to wear the rest of your fucking life. You put one on for your whole life. You didn't even pick it. I didn't know that I was getting engaged.

F-Boy Island season finale. You should have picked it out with them your whole life. You didn't even pick it. I didn't know that I was getting engaged. F-Boy Island season finale. You should have picked it out with them. I know. It's beautiful. It's still on, folks. It's still on. It is decrepit and getting bent in certain areas. Yeah, it's still on. And people keep sending me ring things. Even my mom

is sending me things because her friends are listening to the podcast. And she goes, Nancy wanted me sending you this. I don't even know what it means but like everyone's sending me rings up i don't even want it off i'm not gonna try anything else unless that thing that you send me to get it off is right in front of me i'm not doing it i don't feel like going out and buying a kit and it's not because i'm lazy it's because i'm very lazy chris gets down on a knee to take that ring off it brings in it is a jaw. It is on my right hand. But I do think it's so stupid that you're not allowed to wear rings on your ring finger,

which I do have on right now. That's so dumb. But it does tell people you could be married. I mean, you are not smart enough to know that these rings are not a wedding band. No, I do. Right. You would think I was married if we didn't know each other. I think you got married five times.

Yeah, exactly. And I don't mean smart about it. I just mean savvy about it like i wouldn't know this either i don't know what i don't know which figure is what what's the engagement whenever a girl shows me a ring i have never once been like or like i it is the same reaction every time because they're either so big that you are forced to go whoa but inside i'm like that's a little big like that's gonna like It's probably actually not that nice of a diamond because it's so big. You know what I mean? What do you think about a promise ring? Do you ever wear a promise ring?

Like a promise I'll eventually get you an engagement ring. Oh, I like that. I like anything that's like, I like it. Because that's the stage I'm at where I'm like, okay, I can maybe agree to get engaged someday it's so funny that everyone thinks if you're a girl my age who isn't engaged in a relationship that you just must be waiting and so frustrated and poor you when's he gonna do it can we all just dispel that that's not all you're what am i gonna wear when is the next

shoe sale would you do a photo like this with these fucking shoes you know that photo that every girl does oh yeah where you bend your wrist you bend your wrist to stick out the ring they look like you and cocaine and spring break 2000 or playing football yeah one yeah you weren't were you in college then yeah in 2001 yeah you graduated in 2000 right 2002 i graduated from college from college that's when i graduated from you love telling me no but i just know i know oh two it was an easy one to go oh two oh two hey but i guess you don't really celebrate the year you graduate college because it's kind of like, up in the air. Well, I kind of graduated.

Right. I didn't know. I walked. I didn't have a- Do you still know? There was no diploma. Do you not know? It's iffy.

Can I be honest? I didn't know until I had to resend it. So I walked. I still had four or five credits left. So my parents came. I had no diploma in there. I walked. I opened the thing. And they just gave you a high five was no five oh they gave you something they gave me the binder there was nothing in the box

why did they even let you do that i have no idea to get you to buy the cap and gown and make that probably sweet sweet cash yeah why would you probably buy the diploma i wanted to walk i guess to impress my parents but i was lying it was a resolve a farce man and then i mean even your degree is a lie because you cheated so much so even if you do have the real degree it doesn't really count i shouldn't even yeah i should yeah there's no i never went to college you should go back to debry i should go i'd fail out i couldn't get in today was on the way to that's so funny you couldn't get in if i had to take the sats now i could not get into no you'd be fine on the sats now

you would probably have a high iq my iq is good my iq was tested what was your iq we never had my iq tested oh that means it's low really no i don't know if no one ever does can i believe that well if no one ever forced it on you no one was was like, let's see what she is. You know what I mean? So they thought you were a genius? Or I didn't have parents that were doctor narcissists that wanted my children to follow my footsteps. One was. Yeah. Both were narcissists.

All right. I. A doctor and a narcissist. To get into this school, in public school, there was a gifted program. And what I was told is you needed 130 or higher for gifted right and my older brother achieved this like so they used to iq is like a very antiquated way to show intelligence i mean i don't think apparently i was 128 but i think that's a number that's like

getting a 29 on that act which is what i got three times in a row that's that that's good though yeah but i wanted that 30, because if you get a 30, you get to go to school in Missouri for free. But here's the thing. I think your 29 was real. I think my 128 was told to me by my mother for me to feel like I got close to gifted.

God, everything was a lie. It was like that blank. I'm really 6'4", and a millionaire, and I have big hands and all my teeth. I'll say I went to the baseball game this weekend and one of the players went, and I was right at home plate. What? Like right behind home plate.

Second row, green seats, which are these special seats at Bush Stadium where you go beforehand and there is a gigantic buffet. Gigantic. Like you're at a casino. I love a buffet. Or like a nice one. It is so good. They had broccolini.

That's all I needed at a buffet. I love bro buffet. Or like a nice one. It is so good. They had broccolini. That's all I needed at a buffet. I love broccolini. I love it so much. Did you know broccolini is, because I looked it up to be like, what is the difference between broccoli and broccolini? Do you want to know? Delicious. This will blow your mind.

I think I'm right. One has a thigh gap. It kind of does. Yeah. One is like, one is for models to eat and the other is for fat. Broccolini looks like a broccoli fucked asparagus. It is that. What?

Yes, it is a crossbreed between asparagus and broccoli. But it doesn't taste like asparagus. Was that the tip that you were going to share? Yes. I had no idea. Yeah, look it up. I think I'm right. I looked it up a really long time ago and that feels like it's right to me.

But the thing is, it doesn't taste like asparagus. It's so good. It's sweet. Yeah. It's so good. I have that gene, I think. I loved it so much. And for some reason, broccolini always has those little like red garnishes all over it.

There's always like little, maybe if they're jalapenos, they always have a garnish that's red. People love to sprinkle that shit in. Pepper? Don't say pepper like that ever again how do i say okay yeah that's how i say hey me and katie b so a correction nikki yeah according to the chicago tribune broccolini fake news liberal agenda okay what else? Kanye's anti-Semitic. So, it's a hybrid of broccoli and Chinese kale. It's not related to asparagus. Damn it. Okay, I thought it was asparagus.

Well, that was exciting for a second that you almost got it. Whose IQ was dumber for that whole time? I think mine. I don't know. Well, I couldn't retain that information, and I really looked it up a couple months ago if i knew it was an interesting vegetable that it was fucked with but man i really hope there was a bestie out there being like that's not right yeah i am

screaming worving you have google out there listening i hate when people are like yeah we don't have google in this room well we do but we do, but it's hard to look up things and do a show. And that's the same thing that happened on Wheel of Fortune. I want everyone to know, if you watch me on Wheel of Fortune, I have to say I did really good, better than you would have done. But if you are out there... Did you win? Not you.

Anyone would have done. Better than I thought I would have done. I was shocked. Yeah, I won. Oh. The first game. And I would have won the second game but i i'm not saying i would have but it was a good chance i would have but i messed up this one thing it was the the clue was it was like where is the metaverse and how do we how do i get there and i said how do we get there and i was just because usually that saying is like and how do we get there it's not how do i get there so i just said you spelled it

right and you said it wrong i said the whole better thing i said we instead of i but it was on the board but the board said i uh yeah that's what i'm saying and i said we oh my god yes i so you read the board wrong yeah but i was just because i knew the phrase so easily iq is one well i just knew the phrase like it's like i is one. Well, I just knew the phrase. Like, it's like, I'm innocent. And how do, like, I just thought it was we. You know, I just said it. But I knew, I know the difference between I and we.

Well, it's the same as Jeopardy and you don't go, what is the Aleutian Islands? You know? It's we. But are. Yeah. And so it went to Tig. And Tig was so confused because she thought i said the right thing so she's like where is the metaverse and how do i get there and they're like correct and she's like

what did i do differently and i'm like i said we um but i will say that it is so hard i wouldn't have thought this it's so hard to try to guess the puzzle while it's so easy when you play at home because you don't have to worry about the puzzle you don't have to worry about talking to pat you don't have to worry about the time limit you don't have to work like or uh spinning the spinning the wheel is a huge effort you have to look down very heavy you do not it does not go around one whole spin unless you are like gonna you know twirl it off its axis i wonder if they did it on purpose so then you can't like no there's no like it doesn't seem i mean maybe but if there's no there's probably one guy has one in his garage he's like one day yeah i will spin this perfectly

well it just it's that was the annoying part was like you never had any time to actually work on the clue when you're at home you just stare at the clue and you don't have to go pat i think i'll buy a date like you just are watching and i just realized so many people are probably at home being like why would she not come and it really is because you just and and there's no like actual time limit to guess but you i you know i hate dead air and so if you're just going, can I buy a, do you have a D? And then there's, Vanna goes,

D, D, and there's three. And then two seconds of me going, and I'm like, I'll just spin. And then I get bankrupt. You know, whatever it is. Because it feels so much longer.

Yeah, I don't want to have any dead air on this show that's nice enough to have me on as a celebrity and I want to prove that I'm not a waste of space. So it just felt like a lot of it's similar to your who wants to be a millionaire flub yes yes if you screamed i wonder if they would have gave no they wouldn't they barely even no one even cared that literally tig solved it no one goes why'd you say we it's such a common thing that happens on that show it's you know

not even remarkable but how far away is the puzzle from where you're really far okay great question it is i've been wondering this my whole life i am someone who just thought that broccoli and asparagus made broccolini so take this for what it is and we got i got a 29 on the act but um i believe if we're talking feet because i don't know football like football fields i don't spend enough time on them i don't know football, like football fields, I don't spend enough time on them. I don't like to give that as an example. I'll do it like a swimming pool,

a 50 meter swimming pool. Okay. Wait, that's 25 meters is swimming pool. Cause the 50 would be two laps. Okay. So 25 meters. That's still pretty far. I would say it's,

I would say it's 20 to 25 meters away. At least it's a, it's a far, it's a far, like you're like you're like vanna if you're looking at her she's a little tiny army man like you could like pinch her with your fingers if you put it in front of your face like that's how tiny she is away from you what yeah she's far why is it so big i could not throw a ball to vanna i know that yeah we but yeah why why is it so far away i don't know it's very pitch. Yeah. Why? Now that's not saying a lot, but it's... Why is it so far away?

I don't know. It's very cold in there, too. Like, a studio... That's another thing about TV that people don't know. Don't they do, like, six a day or some shit? Like, something crazy, don't they? Yeah, I think that was the thing. I used to actually feel like I couldn't watch Wheel of Fortune because I heard somewhere

that Pat Sajak, like, was kind of, like, bored with his job. He's been doing it for longer than I've been alive, I think, you know? And they do it so many times a day. So I used to feel like I can't enjoy this show anymore because I know Pat doesn't like it. But then I got there, and Pat was having a great time. Pat likes his job. Pat's good at it.

Yeah, but I, what else was I going to say? Oh, I got to do my makeup in the Jeopardy room, which was right next door, the Celebrity Jeopardy room, which I'm a little bit, there was a part of me that once I saw that Celebrity Jeopardy and Celebrity Wheel of Fortune were paired as a primetime block of shows. Why you didn't get that one?

Yeah, I'm like, oh, they put me on the dumb celeb one where we just spin a wheel and we fill in the letters and you just guess letters. You got like celebrity checkers as opposed to chess. Yes, yes. You got the checkers of games. Yeah. So I don't know.

I've got to. And then they saw you say we and they're like, you know what? We made the right choice. You would do great at Jeopardy. You're good at Trivial Pursuit. I see some really dumb stuff

on Jeopardy. Yeah. That's my next goal is to get on CelebJep. You would be great at CelebJep. CelebJep sounds racist. Okay. Let's go to break.

We'll be right back after this. Andrew! Yep, yep. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything

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All right, welcome back to the show. Andrew got engaged this weekend. Now, did you have any big news happen this weekend? No, but we both did that fun show on Saturday. That was good. Tom Segura. Oh, yeah. Andrew did the early show at the fox i did the

late one it was so fun to perform in front of that many people i mean it was like i don't know about you but like my like we've you've done very big rooms like i'm not trying to compare rooms that are that yeah i mean that felt that felt very vast because i feel like the balcony was very far away from the stage. It just like, when they say the laughter comes in waves or whatever,

it did feel like a ha ha ha, ha ha ha, ha ha ha, like you almost had to time it a little bit, go slower. Like there was a conductor.

Yeah, yeah. Is that the word? An orchestrator and a conductor? The guy that goes like, do-do-do. Conductor, yeah. Really? That's a train guy.

Yeah, I don't know. I think I messed with your mind. IQ. thank you um yeah it felt like just such a it's 4 500 people in that place so um it just feels so um that that little extra 1500 like because i'm doing like 1500 seaters to i mean the most i've done is like 3 300 on my own that extra thousand thousand and a half two thousand it like it's i i never am someone who's like whoa this is awesome but i the first thing i said when i got i know i got like one laugh and i was just turned to the side i was like tom i cannot wait to be this famous i was like like, it feels so good. I was like, please will you guys like me and start going to my shows?

That's all I want to be. I want to be 4,500-seater, two-show-night famous, which is a lot to ask, I have to say. That's a huge feat for any comedian to be able to sell that many tickets. Tom is killing it in ways that probably 10 comics out there killing it i filmed him going out and he got a complete standing o to just go out yes it's just like

my parents were like he is very famous he's very popular you didn't know oh your dad was so funny you didn't get to see them because they came to the early show and they missed my set because i told them it was at 7.30 and it was at 7 so I didn't know oh your mom is so funny your mom is she's the funniest person alive she was making us laugh

so hard on Friday night too what did she say on Saturday there were so many things but the one I do remember is they go you live in someone like was like great set

after the show and was like you live in St. Louis why did you come to St. Louis and your mom just goes he came to walk my daughter's dog. No, because here's what happened. My parents told me the story too

because you do this thing where you don't like to admit you came here to work for me. That's not true. That's not true. I've heard many people talk about it on podcasts where they've heard you

and they go, Andrew will like dodge. He'll be like, I have a podcast on iHeart. You like don't like to say my name. What are you talking about? I don't care. I get it.

That's not true though. So my mom heard you hesitate. I've told the story a million times she said that you go someone goes why did you end up in st louis and you go oh you know i just uh um new york was getting and then she just goes you came here to walk my daughter's which isn't true my daughter's dog so i know but i just i i kind of want i feel like that was like an attack. I've told our story 3,500 times. I believe you. I don't care. You got to understand, every time I get asked to do any interview, they say your name 35 times before they even mention my name,

which is fine. Well, they have to because everything you've been in has my name in it. I understand. I'm not mad about it. It used to be the same thing with Amy Schumer. It would be like, she's from Trainwreck. She's from Inside Amy Schumer. And I have to use, everyone would think Amy Schumer was about to walk on stage because

all of my credits involved someone's name that was in the show. So I get, listen, I get it. But my mom just left in. And she just goes dog walker. Which isn't true. But it was funny. I just thought it was it was a funny thing i was just like all right thanks all right thanks jules uh and then uh and then your dad

found out tom was born in cincinnati and he just kept going he just kept going i know he's from cincinnati i can't wait talking about cincinnati oh cincinnati i didn't even know tom was born in cincinnati well yeah and so your dad finally went up to him after mentioning Cincinnati 45 times. And he goes, I heard you were born in Cincinnati. He's been waiting this whole time. And Tom goes, yeah, I was born in Fairfield or someplace by. Yes. And your dad right away goes, that's not Cincinnati.

The whole buildup was Cincinnati. My dad is so bad about that stuff. It really bothers me. And the thing is, he'll, he won't, I don't even want to get into it because it's so,

everything is about Cincinnati with my dad. If someone, he could have been like saying that, if he found out Tom ate in Cincinnati, if he found out like Tom has been to Cincinnati before, he would still be like, he's been to, my parents annoyed me so much this weekend.

They're into the Bengals now and they've never been into football. I was going was gonna say i know you're annoyed yeah i was like this is probably why you're annoyed by team pride yeah because these people aren't from cincinnati i think every city should have to have your players from the team from the city and then you can have some sort of pride your your city bought these people i mean this isn't like a new thought that anyone's that i'm having right now it just it just shows me that i think it's just i get jealous i guess of people being so excited about something that to me is so empty but i i mean i i have the same kind of thing but my parents are just suddenly like oh come on

pass it oh he sucks and i'm like you are making the dog stress you're making me stress all because of this team that you don't even live in the city you didn't like them two years ago you only like them now because network television is playing them and so you can watch it but it if they were cheering on and being happy i go they some guy you know didn't throw the ball the right way that my dad would have yeah and my dad's like they can't throw he can't throw and i was like if the other team made that mistake you'd be cheering right now so what does this even matter who gives he goes but the other team didn't make the mistake so i'm mad and i'm like but you act like so mad it's just so stupid and i've never

seen my family it's almost like watching my family slip into dementia i got like that much sadness from watching my family become these football fanatics that scream at the tv in a way that the dogs start hiding under tables yeah why no one can hear you no one can hear you like no no one can my dad can't throw a football for the fucking life of him. So what are you yelling about? So many football fans cannot throw a football. The bigger the fan, usually the more unathletic. The yelling really triggers me.

It sounds like an angry, drunk dad. And I don't have one of those. And I'm like, suddenly I just got one because the Bengals got Joe Burrows or whatever. It just annoys me. My dad does the same thing with the Panthers. Oh! Oh! How could that?

It makes my heart rate go up. I think that there's probably trauma in families from hearing dads scream about football. It cannot be good for your health. I've never heard you yell at my game. And I just want to follow up with people a year later and go remember that game what happened oh it was a tough one what like how did that did i want to do the five five five rule what did this matter to you in five hours what did it matter to you in five days what does it matter to you in five months what does it matter to you in five years like

is this really that important but then again there are things that i i'm watching bachelor in paradise right now and I'm reminded of. You're yelling at the TV? No, I don't yell at the TV. I have fun with it. I don't go, oh my God, he's an idiot.

I don't scream like this. I've never even heard my dad have this kind of anger. And it's like, it's so, it hurts my heart to hear him get that like upset. And I feel like

I did realize with the love is blind reunion that they just had i loved love is blind i watched every episode and then the reunion came back and i realized oh i forgot all of these idiots literally they were flushed from my life like like from my brain like on an airplane like down and just gone instantly because it was all so fleeting it was fun for that couple months and then it was all gone so it was just as stupid as sports but i guess i didn't get a hernia screaming about you know what's her name the blonde that goes after the other blonde that's constantly on coke i guess it's just it's a way to get out your emotions as a guy especially if you go to the game and you get to yell.

You finally get to yell. It's like you're only able to yell at a sports game or in the woods or into a pillow. Or when your wife. Or when your wife overcooks the turkey. Yes. Yeah, there's four ways. But you know what I mean?

It's a way to get out this tension that's definitely inside of you, and it's almost accepted in a way. Yeah, men have a lot more anger and like just that that kind of feeling than i guess women do my friends on how do you get it out well my group chat and i have been talking about um we've been uh figuring out how many times we cry an orgasm in like a week i asked my friends that like how many times do you have an orgasm how many times do you cry and on you guess some low number for crying and i know that bitch i was like there is no way you cry once a week i know because i realized that i did not cry at all during my silence because i

was kind of tracking that was that was something i was worried about like what if i have to go like you know that's a sound i wouldn't be able i would have to cry silently. So I never even close to cry during it. And I go, that's a long time to not cry as a woman for three weeks, not even close to it. And so then after that, I was like, I think I have a problem. Like, why am I not crying more? And my friends all were like,

oh, I think that's pretty normal. Who cries more than like once every three weeks? And then all of them cry. Now that they're tracking it, they're like're like oh i cried four times this week came three times crying about how much they're crying yeah why do you cry do you count crying as i do not count crying as tearing up like a tv thing can make me tear up but unless there's like tears coming down and me kind of going like it just like feel like i just don't even that's crying so maybe them yelling at the tv is crying for a man like that's your dad crying crying for

help but it just comes out like fuck you burrow i am sad i let it out in like uh on here i'll just like complain about something but i just i'll raise my voice a little bit maybe get a tone or um i don't know. I usually just sleep it away. I'll just abuse myself with sleep to the point where let's just not. I don't know. I don't know where it goes. Singing?

Because that's kind of like a crying thing, a moaning. Yeah, that's able to get it out. But do you feel like sports for you? For your F45 class, do you guys? It's actually very quiet it's like awkwardly quiet like i'm used to some gyms no there is music very loud probably too loud of music i don't know what kind of music you like to work out to they play a lot of they'll play like techno shit where it sounds like a chainsaw's like getting like molested and it's just terrible and it's just like so bad

such a sad picture. A chainsaw. Because they're so tough. Scared and being like. That's the exact fucking song. Oh, God. And I like hip hop. And so. But no one goes, woo.

No one. Oh, it's so bad. Oh, dude. I love the first. So at the first. At the beginning of each class, they have to do stations, and they show each station. So they're like, here you're going.

And they have to show what the station is. Like, here's a tricep extension. Do they ever, at this point, add new things that you haven't seen yet? A little bit. Every once in a while. But every day is different. More stations, different kind of body part, different kind of workout. But the people, it's so quiet in there. The molestation.

And no one laughs. No one laughs. But they'll try to throw a joke in. And everyone's so quiet. Every audience is just terror. And I feel so bad. There could be up to like 25 people. So imagine you're talking in front of them.

And they get really nervous. And they're like, I don't know how you do it in front. And I just feel for them so much. because we talk in front of people a lot maybe they're used to maybe they don't need it or do you feel like they need it because wouldn't they stop trying if no one ever they have stopped trying yeah yeah you can tell that they were maybe taught to be a little bit funny yeah just like cheerful i have a question by the end of the class do you want to die no, it's not to that point. But yesterday was tough.

I've been going to yoga classes for two weeks. And I have always been like, I don't want to go to yoga. It's just like I'm not very bendy. It always makes me feel insecure that I'm not as bendy as the girl next to me. And she's like 58. And she's just like on her – she's doing a headstand and doing a you know pigeon toes whatever i don't know like an inverted downward dog and um i was going and i was really liking it but it was so slow and so gentle that by the end of i was just like this is hell and i went to

i went to two different three different classes recently yeah three different ones because i was like maybe this one is just like for Like I would say Queen Elizabeth could have done this class In the last week of her life And been completely fine With every single There was no

And then there was one that Chris and I went to That was so funny We could not We could not believe it It was at his gym And it was called Surrender And it was called surrender and it was all the we did eight poses i'm not kidding you guys i counted eight poses in one hour with each side so 16 total and then that might actually be exaggerating it was some low number like that

we would hold each pose on each side like it was literally all of them were on our back all of them were horizontal so there was nothing ever that was they were stretches you would just like put your arm over to the side and i thought the instructor fell asleep for the first hold because it was i started counting at three minutes and i started counting just because i was like this is hilarious how long is this going to go before someone says something it's a room of like 40 people in the dark and it was five and a half minutes for each hold so five and a half minutes on this side then switch five and a half minutes on this

side five and a half minutes has anyone teach you or is it it was so boring it was like it was honestly about the amount i moved during a sleep like in tossing and turning that's how many difference and that's about how strenuous it was as well chris and i got so bored we started just kind of like fondling each other like we were in the dark in the back like not fondling but we started just kind of like messing with each other and laughing and like doing bits because it was it was a yoga yeah it was a class to teach you how to nap yeah it was really a sexy sexy hot yoga but then the teacher afterwards i i wasn't wasn't talking at the time and this teacher is lucky that i couldn't because i was going to say

something i was literally going to walk out if i would have been alone i would walk to the class immediately to send a message because this was not okay but everyone's just like that was so restorative thank you so much and this guy is waiting by the door just staring us down like how'd you like that and he almost looked at me to ask me and i almost got on my phone to type something just to be like uh you really nailed the name of the class like surrender i had to surrender every every impulse to be like this is so it was such a waste of time and i was just confused at what yoga is meant to, I don't know.

I did like the other yoga classes, kind of. Not enough to go back. I'm so glad because during my three weeks of not talking, I wasn't able to work out at all because there's some kind of thing you do with your throat when you work out where you go like, and it makes your vocal cords hit. So I couldn't work out, but now I'm back to running.

And thank God. I just want things to be fast. I think the cardio days for the F45, other than it being a class and that's kind of annoying, you would enjoy because it's a lot of just hit kind of movements. It's not overly weight.

Hit. A lot of planks, stuff like that. H-I-I-T. Which you're very good at. You did a plank, I think, what, four minutes and 30 seconds or something? No, it was like six minutes. Eight minutes.

I think it was something like that. Yeah. I mean, I can't do one now for even 20 seconds. So it's amazing how it degrades so quickly. It's crazy. Yeah. But yeah, I think you would enjoy it. It's the opposite.

Whatever you just said, it's the complete opposite of that. I know. But I just like to do my run now. I can do four miles in eight to nine minutes per mile, and it just is done so quickly. I can listen to seven songs or whatever. It's just like a perfect. Yesterday, and now after a week of running, I have stamina,

and I'm able to talk on the phone the entire time. You talk on the phone while you run. I called Anya yesterday, and I was like, we got to the end of it and I go, I can't believe I'm done. This is usually such a slog. I mean, I just started running a week and a half ago. So it's been like a lot to get back up that stamina. And so every run has felt like, oh God, another mile. But then talking to Anya yesterday, was just like oh my god does this even

count because i don't feel like my body went through i don't even remember working out because we were just talking on the phone and made me think like there must be something about working out that if you aren't mindful of what you're doing your muscles might not use it as much like it felt like i was doing washing the dishes talking to her and so i wonder if it counted because my body didn't register it it forgot it did it your body yeah i think it's amazing that your brain can can shut that off that feeling of like i'm not gonna make it i'm running so long all that like extra i'm you're listening to your own breath and all that you're just on the phone

and you talk for 30 minutes yeah i used to do it all the time um and because pete lee when we were really close we used to just talk on the phone all the time and i'd be like can you just like talk to me and that's when i started doing it and i was like oh this is great because it actually makes me talk less so then i listen more i'm a better friend. And also I have someone, when you're running as a girl, you kind of feel like I could be raped at any second too, especially when it gets a little bit darker at night. So this way you have a witness to it.

Someone hears, hearing it. You have a play by play. Yeah. I go, why would he drop that? Wow. Nikki's listening so much.

No, she's dead. She's, she's dead. She's dead on the street. But that 45th class, I just wonder, I love, I hate classes. Do you want to be completely exhausted? Yeah. If I'm going to a class, I want to feel like.

The cardio will be. Oh, my God. Like, at the end of it, I love a class where I don't love it because I would go to those classes if I did. But if I do go to those classes, I want at the end to be like, I'm gonna die. Come with me. I'm not trying to. I can't.

Because I'm out of shape in that way and I'm too competitive. I would feel like such a loser. Because I would have to go on my own for months and get in really good shape, then I could go. Otherwise, couldn't do it. I'm so much more competitive than I thought. I realized wheel of fortune because the other day chris's radio show was talking about my run on wheel of fortune and they're like we think she kind of threw she was killing so hard we think she threw the second game to be nice week to tig and thomas

because they weren't doing as well and i was like i would, ever ease up on a game like that, especially if it's money for charity, to make someone else feel better. Like, I genuinely. But does the competitiveness come from your own pushing yourself or how other people are going to view you not being able to do the workout? I just hate being bad at things.

I hate it. And I hate when other people feel sorry for me. It's why I struggle with guitar lessons. I hate it. And I hate when other people feel sorry for me or like, it's why I struggle with guitar lessons. Like my guitar teacher now is, has, I can just tell he has no judgment. He does not care at all.

He has seen it all. It's like, it doesn't even register to him that I'm bad. In fact, he shows me so many things and teaches me so fast that sometimes I'm like, he must think I'm good because this is really hard

and he has no idea that I already knew the song and that's why I'm good at this otherwise I'd be fucked right now but like that he probably thinks you're like a genius being bad unless I'm is it being bad or is it being like a starter at something being a novice well I understand being a novice and being bad in that way but there are things like I'm not a natural athlete so I'm never gonna my novice. Well, I understand being a novice and being bad in that way, but there are things like I'm not a natural athlete, so I'm never going to – my novice is going to look worse than everyone else's novice unless I get really good at it on my own. I just don't want to debut things.

It's too embarrassing. And it's just – and Andrew has this thing where you like giggle in a weird way because you're happy I'm there doing this thing that you love, but I that giggling you do it with golf too and that's why i've never wanted to play golf with you oh nice but it is because it's my insecurity so much you giggle because you're happy that someone you're sharing this with someone you're like yeah she's doing it so my happiness brings you no your giggle makes me think you're making it triggers my i'm getting made fun of thing but like because boys laughing

at how i throw or how like i take laughing my dad does it too my dad will laugh at how bad i am at things a lot so i take laughter as like you're mocking me and i think that's where i get the wires crossed of like i'm being made fun of when andrew's really just happy but i can't let it go and it just makes my blood pressure go up. And I just want to throw down the racket or whatever I'm practicing playing golf with. But you were good at golf. I was probably giggling at just the,

I mean, it was also the show and everything. We were being filmed. Filmed and there was a conversation with my coach about going on a date. I love that guy. What is his name again? JR. JR, yeah, he was a sweetheart.

Yeah, I mean, it's, yeah, I think like some people, like I was gonna try to do jujitsu and I was like, I'm not in shape enough to do jujitsu. And their answer usually is, well, that's how you get in shape. You know what I mean?

Like you get in shape by doing that thing that you're uncomfortable with. I wanna be a novice around teachers, good teachers with. I want to be a novice around teachers. Good teachers. I don't want to be a novice around people who are good at the thing, who aren't used to teaching because teachers have empathy for beginners.

They don't judge. But people who are just like, this is my domain. Welcome to where I go. There's just this thing. It's not like that there, though. There are a lot of beginners, for real. I'm not trying to like plug this thing but it's like you won't feel i wouldn't put you in

a situation where i would be like dude she's gonna look like a fucking idiot i know i just would it's about me feeling like an idiot no i get that and my dad has no sense of and i've talked about this before but learning guitar from him was just held me back in my life so much it was the biggest mistake to ever think to ever play in front of him just him being like why don't you know that you can't bar that g and it's like yeah because i'm in fourth grade i can't bar a g like that's really hard i'm not like a little um i don't know what savant yeah but just that he and i'm the same way sometimes where i show someone i'm much better about it because i practice empathy and have had to teach it to myself but getting frustrated with someone that's learning something that you already

know and you're just like how do you not know that and it's like well because i didn't read that article where you found that out dad like the other night i was so mad when i i when i was at the baseball game with chris he's teaching me about baseball like slowly and he goes and he's so nice because he knows my level of comprehension and isn't surprised when i don't know something like there will be times where he's like now that second base do you know what second base is and i'm like i'm not that dumb but it's nice that he like he's not judging any of it but i didn't know that when you are on a base that when the batter is up and they hit it that you have to tag back if they catch it if they catch it yeah you know if the batter is out then you have to tag back where do you learn that who teaches you that yeah but do

you remember the day someone because that would be a formative moment in my life if someone was like hey there's this weird rule where you have to tag back i've never even heard of that i didn't know that the catcher could block the person from coming on home yeah going to home but who learns this where do you learn this where the where's? Where's the class? You guys are just born with this knowledge. No, it does not get to us. It's not fair. What do you mean, though? I want to be taught the rules in a structured way

where it's like chapters and broken down. I don't want to just absorb it from watching my dad talk about the game on the couch. I just feel like I'm resentful that men just like... Did you show interest in softball did he want you would you have though do you think if no but i just feel like i should know about tagging in before i'm 38 years old or like tagging out or whatever the hell it's called i think i should know that the the pitcher can block the home plate why and why is that a thing

why can they block it yeah well that seems crazy to me yeah i mean they can they can kind of if if it's like a play at the plate i don't know the exact rule on when they can and when they can't just stand there and like try to fight you away from the plate but if it's like a play at the plate you wouldn't know the exact rule if you're watching a baseball game like that's the thing that bothers me is that people are like yeah i think i just figured that out eventually i'm like but i would want to know if i cared about this, I'd want to know every detail and everyone just seems very casual about it. Well, I think.

I just like. So you either want to know everything or nothing. Or nothing. But I want to understand where people learn these things because I, and I know that there are some girls that are like, Nikki, where'd you learn to put on makeup? And it's like, oh, I just absorbed it over the years. Little League. I mean, every, every, almost, I don't know,

how many percentage of boys have played Little League? Did you know about tagging out, Noah? I just learned about it at my nephew's Little League game. So you saw it happen and go, what is going on? They have to go back to the base? Yes, then I asked the man the question. You commented on the weirdness of it. Okay.

I was like, oh, yeah. Well, I guess that's my problem. I'm not ever watching the games enough to go, well, that's a peculiar thing that young gentleman just did. I just don't. I can't follow a goddamn ball for the life of me. I don't know how people know how to follow balls, especially on a football.

But if you really wanted to learn, we could do, we could, I could, me or Chris could teach you. I guess that's the problem is I don't really care. I've tried to teach you.

It's the same as music theory. When I'm learning guitar and he's like, and this is a half step up and this is the root note. And then this, and it all is kind of like, no, I don't really want to know this. But you learn through playing. You learn through playing. Yeah. So I'm learning through playing.

So if you would know a tag out, hey, you can't leave the base until that outfielder catches it. Don't even think about it. Oh, you left too soon? You're out. And that's why he said, I go, so little leaguers, just little four-year-old boys know about tagging out? There aren't a lot of that. What do you mean? At their age, at four.

Like, tags and stuff starts happening closer to, like, 10 or 11. So they don't enforce that rule? It is enforced, but I'm just saying there's a lot of balls. If it's hit in the air and tee ball out to the'm just saying there's a lot of balls. If it's hitting the air and tee ball out to the outfield, there's a strong chance it's not being caught. Right.

So it doesn't matter. Yeah. Yeah. So, but around 10 or 11, sure. Yeah. And that's why he said

there is a second and third base coach or a first and third base coach. Why is there no second base coach? Where's he? Where would he stand? I don't know. Just out of the way.

Just get out of the way. But that's the thing. The first and third, they're out of the way. No, they're not. They're kind of in the action. Where's he? Where would he stand? I don't know. Just out of the way. Just get out of the way. But that's the thing. The first and the third, they're out of the way. No, they're not. They're kind of in the action. That's like this. They're literally outside the foul line. It is funny.

Those coaches, I just go, who is that incredibly out of shape, older Cardinal player? In full uniform. In full uniform. It's the best. It's so funny. They're the best. I love a third base coach. They always have either a mullet or they have a Fu Manchu.

They have dip in their back pocket. They probably sleep in their cleats. They are- Do they used to play? Oh, yeah. Is that the goal is to become that? Because you look at these baseball players and you go, what's he going to do? Start a podcast?

Become an announcer? Coach? You still get to suit up. You get to hang with the boys. Yeah. Did you ever want to be a bat boy? Or a tennis ball boy? I wanted to be a bat boy because I grew up in Port St. Lucie, Florida, where they do spring training.

Oh, they do spring training, yeah. So there was a little bit of that. I was like, oh, I wish I could. How do you get that? You just got a rich dad. Yeah, you got to. Well, you had one. Yeah, but he wasn't that connected.

Who pays attention to you. Yeah, he was too busy saving lives like a jerk you know like it's like you can't have me be a bad boy oh someone's cancer cool my dad's a cancer doctor by the way for context yeah i feel like wait what is a cancer doctor called like what's the oncologist oncologist he was a hematologist oncologist which is blood cancer yeah wait i thought okay got it yeah but isn't leukemia blood cancer i just found that out today and i'm like oh i'm so glad i found that out before they're not learning about baseball yeah leukemia disease i mean i think i could have gotten there eventually i don't think i've known that but today i was heard it on the radio that

was like we need to fight blood cancer, leukemia. And I was like, oh, leukemia is blood cancer. And I'm like, I'm really glad I didn't learn that before I get leukemia. Because I'm guessing something like that will befall me. And that would be funny if I was just like, and what's that? Yeah, what is that? I think I'll just know. They'd have to describe it.

I bet that happens a lot when you get a disease and you go, what is that? Oh, my God. It's got to suck to hear it and it doesn't sound that bad. And they're like, no, no, no. This is like really bad. I'm reading a book about the AIDS epidemic. It's a fiction. It's called The Great Believers.

It's so good. It's about AIDS in the 80s. And this woman goes to Paris. And in Paris, it's called SIDA, S-I-D-A instead of AIDS and she's like it sounds so much better. It's interesting. Sida sounds like a nice like you're in like a boat in Venice or something. It sounds like a

European sweetener. Yeah like a vacation. Can I have two Sida with my coffee? Okay we gotta go to break. We'll come back with Reddit Dump. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more

from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, we're back. It's time for reddit dump this is your reddit dump it's my golf giggle i kept you away from being the champion i'm sorry

no it's not your fault next time i'll straight face i just you get the giggles when you're excited it's a it's a nice thing. But boys laughing when I'm doing sports ain't a good combo. If I start pointing, I think that's where the problem is. Oh, yeah. Taking pictures surreptitiously. Where's my phone? Oh, no.

One second. Nikki's going to get her phone. I'm sorry. One second. I've got to have this for Reddit. This is your Reddit time. Do you go on Reddit a lot, Noah? Not really.

Because you have to have the app and stuff. And I'm just trying to have less apps to distract me on my phone. Wow. So no Reddit. Do you have TikTok? No You have no apps? No way

None No, no, I have apps I just don't have TikTok I don't want to get sucked into that Social media apps All right Reddit I mean, wait

So Noah, you don't do Reddit? She doesn't have any apps I do Reddit What are your apps? What are your top three apps that you use? I do Reddit on the web Slayer Like Chrome When you're on the computer Or i do reddit on the web like in a chrome when you're on the or whatever when i'm on the computer um i guess like instagram my so you're in bed and you can't sleep do you

have your phone with you yes and it's and what do you do what do you go to what's your first thing to go to um i guess like instagram i check instagram and then when that gets boring what do you switch to what's your order do you have an order too right andrew with oh like where you toggle when you're bored pinterest okay too much time really yeah what that seems weird okay so first you start on instagram then you go to pinterest and then do you go back to instagram or do you have another one that you toggle to i usually just fall asleep because i scroll so much through pinterest but my eyes just roll to the back of my head and then i fall asleep wow while you're scrolling you fall asleep do you fall asleep to a scroll or do you have to separate? No, but I love, Chris does.

My favorite thing is when we're laying in bed and I can just hear his phone just go, like thump, like bread on a duck's back. It's just the gentlest thump and I'm like, oh, someone's out and I always, it's always Reddit. He's a Reddit guy too. I go Reddit. I guess Reddit's good because you're reading. But I always save it because I'm so excited to go to it

that I save it. I don't go to it at any point during the day. And then once I get bored of Reddit, I go to Instagram and then I go back to Reddit because Reddit's endless. And then I'll go to mail online which is the Daily Mail, which I'm about to stop going to again because it's just

so toxic. It's turning into Fox News, the headlines. It's just everything is like liberal. You know, Emily Ratajkowski slams. Everyone is liberal. It's bad. It's not a good source of news, but they have the best paparazzi

shots. I wish you could separate it. I know. And then I'll go to like and then I'll read my book a little bit and then I'll go back to Reddit and then Instagram, my book a little bit and then I'll go back to reddit and then um instagram but um I think that's it actually what about you twitter instagram so I go to twitter to like feel somewhat connected and learn about some kind of news then instagram to see like what five people are doing then that makes me upset and then I'll go to tiktok to wash that out like tiktok is a very like flushing you don't think tiktok makes me so tiktok makes me sadder because i can't make tiktok videos i have i it's almost like baseball i'm just like there's too

many rules yeah i'm gonna every tiktok i see is like people on tiktok over 30 and it's just some woman doing a lame dance and i'm like i'm not gonna be mocked on here i'm not even gonna try and it makes me way keep chasing your tail like people that have to post on tiktok do you get jealous on tiktok of like people's posts doing well and like people looking hot and like doing workout whatever it is for you i get jealous of skin girls like doing skincare girls with perfect butts girls with just like clean houses girls just like doing soft like skincare is really the the triggering thing like 20 year olds telling me that what they do for their wrinkles go fuck yourself i hope you

die young i really do i always reason whenever i get jealous of young girls is like they could die young and then I will they look great in that casket you know I have a long girl I know that's a sick thought but I know a lot of women out there get jealous of young girls just remember they could die young something terrible could happen

to them I don't want it to but it could someone showing off how much money they have it might be a triggering thing. Because I just think it's just so... That's so interesting. Some guy will be like, I don't care if I have $250 million, $500 million, or a billion.

I'm never going to buy my car. I'm going to lease my car. That's what you got to do. You lease it, and then you have passive income. Yeah, money things bother me as well. And it just fucking blows up. Everyone's like, wow, you're so rich. And it's just, I don't know. It just it just comes off that's the difference between men and women

what was that noah there are comments on tiktok yeah yeah i don't that's yeah that's really why i'm like trying to get away from social media as much as possible yeah and like i because i just feel like comments and stuff like i i look at the content and then something in me like really wants to see what other people are saying. And it makes me question my own- That's what I'm saying. That's why comments are, people go, don't read comments.

And I go, or don't let that comment upset you. I'm not upset about that one person. I'm upset about how many people they're influencing and tipping towards she sucks. Just giving a little push in that direction when that person is walking a fine line because we are all susceptible to it. And like you're saying, Noah,

you can feel it. You care about what other people think when you don't even know these people. Does it change my perception of reality? That's the thing that I'm battling with. Interesting. I think it's very of note that I don't think I would ever get jealous

of girls bragging about being rich, no matter how rich they were. But I would get so jealous of if they were mixing a face mask in a clean porcelain bowl with a mortar and pestle in their clean bathroom. And they had enough hair to have a substantial amount of bangs that they put up in a clean bathroom. Yeah. And they had like enough hair to have like a substantial amount of bangs that they put up in like a sensible clip. And that clip is like always their clip for their bangs that they keep right in this little area where their clip for their bangs

is always there every single night. Every night I wash my face, my hair is long enough and this is the way I like it to be. It gets in the shit. I just twirl it behind my head and I stick it into my collar. I do not, because I never have. A do not because i never have a hair clip i never have a hair clip whenever i do i go am i jessica alba

like i seriously think i am like i should start a goop because i found a scrunchie in a drawer like i feel so together and I have a million hair things. I buy them all the time. Oh, so many clips and I can never find them. And I think that's the thing. It's so interesting to me. I would love to not ever feel that way.

When I see a young in shape people, that doesn't really trigger me. I, I almost feel if I see someone very in shape showing, working out, I do think it's a little cheesy like how much like love they get from just showing them bench press like it doesn't but it actually it's motivating either i just look at what i feel yeah but you look at the comments

i don't i thought you said you do no i don't really look at the comments on girls videos that i get jealous of i just look at how pretty they are it can literally a lot of the girls that I've that you know show up on my explore page this is usually an Instagram explore because I don't go on TikTok but I they usually have like 23 views and it's in like Slavic like I don't even know I couldn't read the comments even if I wanted to um yeah I don't think about aging as much as I think women or whatever like i if i did i think i would overthink it i would think about my back hair i would think about receding hairline i'm not thinking about aging i'm thinking about these clean perfect smooth women and some of them are

older but they just have like bright bathrooms that are clean but you can do everything and they just make, even that girl that I did an impression of, making matchas and having a little stirring thing. And then they have a little tray that goes perfectly for the stirring thing. Having a place for everything.

I just will never be a woman that does that. And I've talked about it a million times, but I just don't relate. And then sometimes i see really messy women that then i get it i get um angry that i can't be like that free with how gross i am or as funny about it or you know it's it's weird it's you never it's never good enough there's always going to be a way to go man why can't i why can't I not care like that girl? Or why can't I care more like that girl? So let's start off Reddit. This is talking about a girl who does not care. This was in the subreddit

funny. And I guess this happened in 2015. I'm only seeing it now. It's from Inside Edition, which is one of those like Hollywood news shows. And it's a clip of it. This girl got a DUI on campus at texas state oh that's how you get in yeah oh my god that's 29 she blew a 29 on her uh i don't know what's is a breathalyzer test have three letters um so she this is you're gonna laugh so hard at the sand i think you're gonna love this she got a dui lost her license did not want to ride a bike because she's too lazy for a bike even though her dad bought her one she lives close to campus so she thought what about my barbie car from when i was a little girl let me pull that out of the garage and drive it around

campus and i honestly this girl is kind of like a hero. Can we play it from the beginning? I see it's kind of going a little bit. Monroe is getting a lot of attention because of the way she's beating around campus. A 20-year-old Texas State junior is driving a Barbie car to get to class, just like she used to do with a real car. Can I get a picture with you?

So she has one leg sticking out of the car, but she can't fit in it. For the time being, it's Tara's mode of transportation. Why? Because of this. A police mugshot taking following her as she's drunk driving. The dad, Monty, gave her a bike, but Tara didn't want to use it. I had a perfectly good bike. She lived close enough to campus so i thought that

was the right action to take i'm kind of a diva i'll admit it i don't like to sweat i don't like to work out then she remembered her barbie car when she was a little kid she loved that car so she bought one online i got out and i told her i went to test drive it and she was like, where's the little girl? And I was like, I am the little girl. No speeding in this vehicle. Five miles an hour is all it'll do. There's three gears. There's reverse. There's turtle.

And then there's like rabbit because it goes from like going so slow to going so fast. Tara has been criticized by some who think she's making light of a serious drunk driving offense. But this engineering major who is on the Dean's list says that's just not true. I'm not at all trying to make a joke out of that and really me getting the Jeep had nothing to do with

that. I just didn't want to walk across. And guess what? Tara's not alone. Others are jumping on the Barbie bandwagon. My roommate actually just bought one, too. It's more just like a fun thing to gather your friends. It's a gang. It's a gang.

It's a gang. It's so funny. And at first, I hated her. I go, oh, this is a stunt. Yeah. This is annoying. But she truly, I respect someone who's so lazy that they don't want to ride a bike or walk, and they drive around this car and they do not...

Because that's embarrassing. I don't think I could go a block on that thing without feeling embarrassed. I mean, the beautiful thing about that is like a Vespa, you got to get off. Yeah. She can pull this right into class. You know what I mean? She did park it at the bike rack though. Did you see?

But the one time she was indoors down the hallway. Yeah, she was. I mean, it's a scooter. It's so funny. Oh, man. What a genius. I'd love to see her DUI tape. I mean, it's got to be fantastic.

This was 10 years ago. I tried to find her. I'd like to see where she is now. Or I guess it was eight years ago. And so I typed in her name. And of course, this bitch, she's from Texas. And she's, of course, married by now. You saw how much

fucking you know lipstick she had on and shadow blush and contouring i was like that this girl got married engaged fresh out of college and now her name is gone and i'm just tired of every woman changing their last name they all become missing persons i'm really disgusted by it every single person i want to get in contact with from high school is a missing woman you cannot find her because she married some idiot and she i'm just tired of it every once in a while men get to be friends with people the rest of their lives you can find them forever and women just disappear into their husband's last names and unless your friend is a spinster or a lesbian, you are never going to find her.

Yeah, I mean, I think the only way is that some of these women are now keeping their name as middle names. I'll take it. You know what? That is a step in the right direction. All right. So this next one is to me IRL for me IRL. This is the subreddit.

It's just a tweet that says my toxic trait is that I don't feel any sense of accomplishment after achieving something just a mild sense of relief that it's done oh yeah relatable you know yeah I want to I want to feel more like I did it but it's always because anything that's worth celebrating being over is something that you probably were dreading and were like at the workout class i love the feeling of being like it was hard and i did it and it's over and now i get to reward myself with laziness what's hard too is i just think about what i could have done differently better or like what i could have done better like a workout class i don't think i'm like i didn't do

that third set right but like something that i really cared about the whole time i'm done i'm just like oh that i fucked that up that's interesting because i i was talking about the difference but there's so many talented people out there especially comedians that just don't make it and i you know chris and i talk about this so often because we watch people's specials and we're like how does this person have a special and then this person that we know is so funny doesn't and I think the difference or one of the things is that there are a lot of my friends who have self-doubt before something I don't I don't really have that like I will I will go oh yeah I can do that and I will set a goal or I will say yes to something that I go, yeah, in a year I can definitely do a special.

And then it gets to the special the night before and I'm like, I cannot do this, but it's already too late. So it's better to be someone who has self-doubt on the back end because afterwards I go, I don't want to promote this. I'm embarrassed.

I didn't deserve this. But guess what? It's already out of the fucking gate and I can't control it anymore. So if you can somehow put your self-doubt after the thing and switch it, I think you can be a lot more successful. I'm just lucky that I don't have that before

of like, oh, I don't deserve that. I don't want that. It's like, no, I want everything. And there is a sneaking suspicion that I don't deserve it now. But in a year when that thing is, you know, I have to show up for that thing i'll be ready never am but then you know what i mean yeah no i know exactly what you're saying i think a lot of people don't ever have that before they go yeah i don't even want i think i'm one of those people i'm think i'm one

of those some stuff yeah i'm one of those people that will be like oh i'll never have a special on netflix i'll never yeah like i have that thought And it's getting a little bit less and less. I do feel more and more confident that I can do it, especially now that I've been doing an hour. And I'm like, oh, I can actually, I can do this. I can fuck. But you have to do that to get to. Like, did you think even before you ever did an hour

that you could just have an hour special? No, I will say that I'm just saying for things like, you know, I don't know when when the no when the hours there i have friends that will go like i was a friend that i heard about has this new hour of material that um they're feeling a little bit like should i even talk about this thing it feels like i'm exploiting this thing in my life and i'm like there would if i didn't know our material i would be so psyched after it was out i would go oh that seems like i just exploited that thing but not before get the special you already have the time so that's where i kind of feel yeah like i'm singing the national anthem at um what where what thanksgiving day i'm the i'm the ambassador for or what's it called i'm

the grand marshal of the st. Louis Thanksgiving Day Parade. I got asked to do it. It's the first gig I've ever booked singing that wasn't like, you want to sing? Where it's like, we know she wanted to do this at the ballgame. She didn't get a chance to. And so they were like, you want to do it? And so I think I got asked like four weeks ago.

And I was like, let me just consider this for a week. And then I talked to my vocal coach and I was like, can I be ready for this by Thanksgiving? And she was like, Oh yeah. And so play guitar with it. Or what are you going to do? No,

I'm being serious. It'd be so weird. Are you going to have dancers? No, I'm just going to sing the national anthem. Like someone would sing like, I guess I'm on a float, you know? So I think to kick off the parade, I'll sing the national anthem like someone would sing. I guess I'm on a float, you know?

So I think to kick off the parade, I'll sing the national anthem. And, you know, it is a hard song, but it's not that hard when you break it down. Do you really think you know all the words right now? Yeah, I sang it yesterday. And I did it off the dome. You want to try it? I don't think I can. Oh, say.

Can you see by the dawn's early light? Yeah. Wait. Oh, say can you see by the dawn's early light? Oh, man. What? What's so glad? Proud.

Proudly we stand at the twilight's last gleaming. Who's brought stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight? Yeah. Or. Or. Like it's over but without a V. Or. Or the ramparts we watch were so gallantly streaming.

This is good. Rockets flake. Wait is good. Rockets red. Wait, rockets red. Glare. Great. Wait, what? That's what I'm glaring at you right now. Rockets something glare. Rockets red glare.

Rocket red glare. The bombs bursting in air. Gave proof through the night that the flag will. That our flag. The flag is still. Was still there. Still there. Oh, my God.

I like. You're getting nervous about it oh my god I like you're getting nervous about it but it's like you're actually pretty impressive I don't know it's not I don't know

the words are a national anthem that's okay they're weird words and I think most people would not oh say does that star spangled

banner yet wave or for the land for the life of the free or the home

of the brave it's like one of those songs that you you kind of like when you say I don't know if I'm alone with this Or for the life of the free or the home of the brave. It's like one of those songs that you kind of like when you say. I don't know if I'm alone with this. Unless you could hear it. You're not alone. I had to look at the lyrics yesterday just to make sure I had it right. And some of them were like, you know, things like over.

You don't know. You just kind of say, you might say for. I think if you were singing it, I could go. I could like, you know. Yes. Oh, my God. Okay. So moving on on Reddit dump. This one's from the subreddit sex.

And this made me laugh so hard. I couldn't wait to share it with Andrew. This is so bad. Okay. This is. I'm going to get crushed for this. I apologize. No, you're not.

That was so bad. Andrew, I swear to God. I know. I'm not hurting. I'm just saying it's funny. If people judge you, and I know they're not going to do it, go ask someone that you think is really smart to recite it. Because right now you're not a good judge of it because you just heard

it. So you're not allowed to do it. But ask someone you think is smart, and I bet they do worse than Andrew, if not the same. It's hard. It really is. And someone actually said to me, they found out I was doing it and they go have the lyrics in front of you they go you don't know how many how much footage there is out there of people celebrities whatever singing this anthem and forgetting it in the middle of it and i thought

no way but it's true so okay this is an r sex um Like subreddit r slash sex. Okay, this is so gross and I'm sorry. I apologize ahead of time, but it made me laugh. When I fuck my girlfriend, I sometimes feel the poop on the other side of her vaginal walls. Whether it's my fingers or my dick, when she has to go, I can feel it on the other side.

Should I just ignore or tell her? He wrote another thing. i don't give a fuck about it obviously i still love my girlfriend i'm just wondering has anybody else faced this and he said y'all were totally weird about this one but i'm not gonna lie some of these comments had me cracking up some of the comments are i've been in the gyno exam i've been in for a gyno exam and she was pressing on my poop and told me i was constipated uh yeah i know i am and then someone said i gotta say after 17 years i can't say i've ever noticed now i'm gonna check and see my wife will probably be wondering why i'm saying what what i'm doing or say this new technique you

have isn't really working for me um and he goes babe i'm checking for your poop and someone said i am a woman and i felt it in myself before how embarrassing of a thought it is that men can too um have you ever felt it have you ever thought about i've never even considered i mean maybe it would i yeah i don't even know what you would actually feel for where it would actually be would it be like right would it be deep wouldn't it no i mean it yeah it's kind of right there there's different chambers for your poop yeah so if your rectum is full of stool you will likely be able to feel that it's full by touching the wall between the vagina and the rectum i guess yeah so like the taint wall interesting oh you know how many women have sex when they have to, like, knowing a poop's coming?

I gotta say that sometimes you're constipated and your boyfriend wants to have sex and you don't want to say I'm full of poop and the headache thing isn't working anymore. Yeah, I think it's actually very common. I know that I will put aside my, like, unless it's, like, painful or something or, like, and I'm not talking about poop. I'm talking about, like, anything that I'm just like, I don't really feel like this.

Like, you just go, oh, but he needs this and wants this, and it's nice to do for him. It is funny. It's like giving a massage to your lover where you're like, I'm not really getting anything out of this, but they love it. How quickly it can go from fingering your girl nice and sexual to an exam. All it takes is such a little movement to feel like, wait, are you just dissecting my vagina?

That's what so many gynos do and get away with. They go the other way. And I will say I definitely search those porn videos of like creep gynos it's so weird i don't know what's wrong with me there'll be times where brennan touches my penis i go are you just like you're just analyzing my penis there's no sex sexual thing going on here oh whoa yeah she's just kind of like there's just a penis and you're just like play like it's i don't know might as well just be like a stress ball like yes well it's interesting i love flaccid penises i love them i just think they're so fun i like to hold them when i'm watching tv i like to just i like to i'm grateful to not have a boyfriend who's

like uneasy about it i'll tell you what being in a relationship a long one this is my longest one like yeah i makes you much more comfortable with your penis. Oh, my God. Yeah. Any guy out there who's not comfortable with their dick, get in a long relationship, and you will love your penis more than you've ever loved it. Yes. No matter what your penis is. That's what I had for my vagina when I used to be so insecure about it.

And I thought, I will never get over this. Every time I hooked up with a guy I would hold my breath like oh my god they're gonna finger me and just be so grossed out and then my first relationship just it's almost uh exposure therapy yeah you know if you just if it happens enough you just stop caring and that's it I remember like the day I was like oh my god I think that this will not be a thing for me anymore because it's so not a thing now it's so nice i will literally laugh about if my penis it's like i'm laying in a way it's like inside my body like i'll be like my dick's gone like like that's like where i've gotten to maybe it's too like calm or like too uh like i'm too comfortable it is really i mean no relationship

is perfect but it is so nice to be in a relationship where I never feel like he's judging my body or my face or is disappointed in how I look in some way. And I know that that's not everyone's scenario. I know that there are women that feel like their husbands are disappointed. I mean, he does not like, I will say when i like do an ugly face or do something that's like gross or like stick my stomach out and be like oh the baby's coming like he doesn't want to see me accentuate things but i've never felt ever like in the comments he makes about older women on tv are always like oh my, I can't wait to get older because he seems very into that.

So it's just that I have to, you know, sometimes relationships are hard and you go, oh, this isn't, like, I've been on the girls chat recently and we've all been like celebrating the things we like about our partners and like trying to focus on like why we're in this. Because I was the other day like, why do we like men? Like, because we all get so much out of this girls chat we're all sharing we're all emotional we're all saying things we really can't say to our partners even though they're the person we're supposed to be able to share everything with not really but and i go the other day i go i'm not trying to do a bit honestly why are women attracted to men like i don't get it why is it what do you think the top three things are that why you're attracted to men like i don't get it why is it what do you think the top three things

are that why you're attracted to a man because um the masculinity of being like protected during wartime and famine like i really think there's something about he has more body mass uh muscle muscle body mass so it can protect you and there's something so there's something arousing about that and um i and i don't know the other thing because i don't understand why all my friends are marrying men who don't talk about their feelings let alone talk i'm just like they're not even talk most talkative bitches i've ever known and you're all with men who don't like that's the number one thing is like you know my husband doesn't really like to talk and i'm like but you're the chattiest person alive like why would you marry someone and i go why are we attracted to people who don't do the thing that we like to

do more than anything it boggles my mind balance i guess i guess that's the only way to think about it balance doesn't make sense to me because i get what you're saying i don't seek out friends that don't talk i seek out friends who give me what i need which is someone who like helps me process my feelings and i'm not talking about my boyfriend my boyfriend is actually on like the higher scale of like liking to talk about things i thought he was like maybe somewhere on like when it comes to boyfriends like lower emotional eq but turns out when i compare and contrast he's pretty good and i'm like oh i have it really good men just don't do that why do

we like them and they can't a lot of them can't really provide during wartime either like your only thing that you like about them they'll probably be like i don't even know how to they are strong and they are they do have muscles that make you feel protected and they're hot i mean like i'm physically attracted and they've got those penises that feel good. I don't know what it is. I really, it boggles my mind, but like,

I mean, that, I just don't understand why women aren't more, lesbians more often, but I think they are. I think this is a common thing that happens is

once women divorce later in life, they're like, well, I don't really want that much dick. My vagina is like about to fall off anyway. Why don't I just hook up with a woman

who we can just hang out i think about that with women like why do guys like women sometimes because it's like the same way you don't love sports you don't you don't know what a tag is why do i fucking want to talk to you but i think we have like wet pussies yeah because in wartime we could give up your body so we could live i don't know because we could have your. And you guys want to make more of you. It's wild. We figured it out, though. Thanks for listening to the show.

We will see you tomorrow on the show. Wednesday, we'll be here. You'll be here. Thank you for listening. Don't be cool. And Jack. Jack. Oh, Jack.

Your buck. Yeah, Jack Buck. Good, that's good. Not bad. Why is it such a struggle? Every day. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears

on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines exclusive extended interviews and more now this is a second term we can all get behind listen to the daily show ears edition on the iheart radio app apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts