The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #279 Seven Days Away

Episode Date: October 13, 2022

It's that time of month when Nikki's vagina feels like an armpit, she and Andrew cancel some of their subscription apps and Nikki realizes that she has to retire some jeans. Nikki wonders how much of her life was wasted staying in bed. She's obsessed with Netflix's Dahmer-Monster, Andrew got the drift by watching the first and last episode. You Heard It Here First: no more using your birthday to get more sympathy during a break up, beware of beautiful influencers telling stories to music and Nikki does care about Tom Brady and Gisele Bündchen's marriage woes. In the Final Thought Nikki expresses what she likes about Bachelor In Paradise turning up the heat this season.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Hello, here I am. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. Welcome to the show. It's Wednesday. I am one seven days away wait wait period in seven days i just checked my flow app because i'm just feeling just so gross today and i'm like what day of my cycle is this where my vagina feels like an armpit just like kind of like an undeodorized arm do you know what i'm saying where it just like is weeping not Not in a yeast infection way, but it's just like sweating and like feels gross. And I feel heavy. My boobs feel heavy. My like skin feels heavy.

My arms feel like old librarians arms. My like my Lululemon leggings. I am now avoiding certain Lululemon leggings because they're too tight. That is when you know things are not as they should be. I don't even bother looking at the jeans anymore. I've worn the same size jeans for four fall, winter, spring seasons in a row

for five, maybe six years. Maintained it. It's time to retire them they're not it's not gonna happen all of my jeans are my skinny jeans now and they are i am at the stage of a woman where the your body starts to change and you're just gonna get bigger from now on and that's okay it just happens it's like i have to just say goodbye to those pants but i to avoid certain lululemon leggings, like I have my ones that are like, those are my skinny leggings. They're leggings.

They stretch to any size practically. I mean, I know that they're, I'm just like feeling so blech. But it's seven days away. That's it. And you know what? I paid $8 for this fucking app to tell me that. And this is the, you know, the cunt tax,

I guess is what they call it if you have a vagina and you have to pay for things that men don't have to pay for do you pay for any apps that tell you what when i need to when your balls are yeah when my balls are cool yeah yeah i'm six days away my balls feel like a wet like locker room towel and just heavy i don't mean to make this a sexist thing but it's just like i looked at my apps and i'm do you ever look at the apps that you've subscribed to and you're like oh i've been paying for this yeah like learn how to play piano app for 14 years for 29.99 a month or whatever i think i'm paying to learn how to download an app i'm paying for that i'm paying

20 a month do you ever look at your subscriptions yes what apps are you paying for right the other day i bought video game a video game app where you can't you can't upload these video games without having insane amount of memory or you have to be locked into a wi-fi so i bought like an arcade thing that was like on the airplane i had whatever anxiety and i was like oh i'll just'll just play NBA Jam to feel normal again. And I couldn't download it. So I'm paying and I haven't canceled it yet. Where do I go for that?

Where's subscriptions? So I always just Google cancel subscription. And then it's probably like the third thing down. It shows you. Are you guys doing it right now? Yeah. It's like you're doing it right now. It's like you're doing it right now. It's like you're doing it right now. It's like you're doing it right now. It's like you're doing it right now. It's like you're doing it right now. It's like you're doing it right now. It's like you're doing it right now. It's like you're doing it right now. It's like you're doing it right now. It's like you're doing it right now. It's like you're doing it right now. It's like you're doing it right now. It's like you're doing it right now. It's like you're doing it right now. It's like you're doing it right now. It's like you're doing it right now. It's like you're doing it right now. It's like you're doing it right now. It's like you're doing it right now. It's like you're doing it right now. It's like you're doing it right now. It's like you're doing it right now. It's like you're doing it right now. It's like you're doing it right now. It's like you're doing it right now shows you. Are you guys doing it right now? Yeah, it goes to support Apple. And you go, if you want to cancel a subscription from Apple.

And then you go to that and you click on the cancel a subscription blue button. And then you see all your. They make it so hard to find. I just had to pay for that. Now everything, let's see. So I'm paying for Apple TV, $4.99. I'm paying for Discovery Plus, $6.99. I'm paying for Flow Period Tracker app, $7.99. HBO Max, $ 4.99 i'm paying for discovery plus 6.99 i'm paying for flow period tracker app 7.99

hbo max 14.99 insta size which is a thing that really bothers me with instagram photos where people will post them and it'll i'm a big proponent of like photos should be they're a certain size for a reason like they look good when you edit them because they're the whole size and i need that whole thing to fit in the tiny little box and it'll crop it weird so insta size crops it so you can keep your whole photo in that well that's 4.99 a month just to have pleasant looking photos they have a free crossword puzzle 6.99 a month new york times digital subscription 49.99 once a year oh Oh. Waking Up meditation app, $100 a year, but that also gets me access to Sam Harris' extended podcast and all that stuff.

YouTube premium, $15.99 a month. I am somehow not showing certain things that I think I paid for, but maybe I paid for it in a different way, so it's not showing on my phone. Like Spotify, I pay for it because I don't have... Yeah, I pay for that too, but it's not showing up here. But I don't see it on here. Yeah, they trick you by hiding it. You probably have to go into the app.

Huh? Oh yeah, you probably have to go into the app. Do you have any apps there that you're being charged for? So I just have repost, which is so you can repost a photo or a video from either someone else or just screen record or text that person to send it to you that'll save you so much yeah and when you do repost they put that little stamp on the bottom i guess if you pay they remove the dollar 99

a week oh no andrew get that off there cancel it right now yeah i'm canceling okay this is we're cleaning up shop then i got um anal leakage i don't know why i'm paying for that i don't know yeah i mean that seems like something you'd want to unsubscribe from but maybe you get that for free good boy noah you would think noah i'm unsubscribing from discovery plus what am what am i doing that for because you watch one one show. I got recommended one show on that. Yeah, one show. That's how they get you. Yeah, called Sex Life.

And you know what? Fuck that show. Bye. Oh, you never saw it either? No, I watched it, but I'm over it. YouTube I pay for, premium, I guess. Apple TV. So $14.99, right?

Apple TV and Apple Arcade. Apple Arcade is gone. I got to get rid of this bitch. Okay. Cancel subscription. I just bought Headspace for a year, but unwittingly, I downloaded,

like I subscribed to the two-week trial and I was like, okay, I'm going to delete it unless I really want to keep it. Remember when I texted you like two weeks ago and I'm like, will you be my meditation accountability partner? Yes, yes.

So I was on a streak. Yeah, I was on a streak and then i stopped and i'm like i don't know if i really like this app too much and then i forgot to um cancel it after two weeks subscribe but it was kind of like on purpose so that i would keep it so that i feel like i'm forced to use it i get that yeah that makes sense so you gotta use it because now you bought it so it's like you gotta use it you won't you bought it. So it's like, you got to use it. You won't. But I mean, it's not going to affect if you will or won't.

Yeah. It's so freaking hard. I bought a productivity app called Fabulous Daily Habit Tracker. You know how on Instagram they get you? They'll be like, yes. They just get you. All my Instagram ads are always about productivity, meditation, breath work. That's why instagram is free

fertility updates um losing weight like it's all they like know what i want even though i don't even ask for that it's so annoying man they're listening they track you like that that's why it's free it was the first time period tracker tells them everything that's a they smell your blood and they're like this this girl needs some vitamin D or something. They know what I want. They know I need stretchier leggings

right about now. Yeah, dude. You're guaranteed you're going to get an ad for a pants two sizes bigger. I've been getting advertisements for dumplings. For dumplings?

I just like looking at them. I don't even want to eat them. But I do like, I'm almost like you with Halsey, like licking my phone, but I'm not, I shall not have that. I can't,'t i can't i can't get new pants i just don't want to do it it's not about like i know i'd feel better in new pants i just don't want to i like those jeans i've had i like them break in jeans you break you feel they start getting holes around the um

the belt loops you know because that's where you're hiking them up and like trying to like pull them and then they start getting the seams get loose there and the belt loops, because that's where you're hiking them up and trying to pull them, and then the seams get loose there, and the belt loops start giving out. I've been through this before. I was a bigger girl in high school. You know how they hang jerseys on the wall of retired players? You have to do that in my apartment.

A whole thing of your jeans, a jeans wall. It would just be like year 2011 through 2013. And I bought some like really fun, like oversized baggy, like good American Kardashian, oversized like boyfriend jeans because they had all these supermodels wearing them where they,

you know, Emily Ratajkowski with that fucking luge divot down her stomach. This looks like an ice luge that I went to at a frat party down her stomach. So I see all those girls where they're just like wearing them around their hips and they have these tiny stomachs and they just look like so cozy and tiny. The problem is really, really thin women like model-esque thin women look amazing in oversized clothes. They look tinier. But if you're

just anything other than that, you're going to look bigger when you put on oversized clothes. I bought these. I went with these instead of this slim. It just makes my legs just look shorter. Wait, I can't tell. You don't think they look...

Wait, I don't know. I don't think they look... Wait, I don't know. Are those black jeans? I don't know what you're telling me right now. I bought these instead of slim. I bought these instead of slim. So these are a little baggier. But I'm 5'9". So I just look like 4'11",

because they're baggy. A tall guy could get away with baggy clothes. Right, right, right, right. A short guy can't. So I'm just agreeing with you. These make my legs look just shorter. I can't get away with it. Like these,

this big t-shirt look that girls do. I love wearing a big t-shirt with, um, you know, a bike, tiny shorts, cycling shorts. Yeah.

Bike shorts. You could pull that off. I can't, but it, I've seen pictures where I'm like, Ooh, that you just look bigger. You don't look like a little tiny girl swimming in something it just it just

doesn't work and so these pants that i bought i bought four pairs just on a fucking whim being like i need comfortable jeans that are like just around the house sexy jeans that i walk out and you know my my fucking hip bones are jutting out of the top and everyone wants to fuck me because i'm like i'm just so tiny in these little, I don't even know how to keep them up and I need a big old boyfriend's belt and they are tight on me. They don't fit. They are also jeans that are,

they actually fit me perfectly and it's insulting that these jeans that are supposed to be me like scuba diving in them. I love the idea of you just buying jeans so you can be like,

these are too big. I can't fucking wear them. Yeah, I wanted to. That's what I wanted. They're taking a broom in your closet. Oh, God. Yeah, it is funny when like a girl's like, I'm wearing mom jeans. Do you ever eat because you think it might make you thinner?

Like, do you ever, I mean, do you ever eat because you are so sad about not like how much you've eaten? Or, like, you just, you are so sad about, like, these pants don't fit. And you kind of convince yourself it might be something proactive to do. Like, for me, I just don't know what to do besides eat or sleep anymore. So, if you're feeling overweight you lean into and then you're not good in my body whether it's like just itchy skin dry my face feels craggy and old but you don't feel like you're doubling down like you're like well fuck it i'm already feeling big no it's not

fuck it it's like actually this will help me in some way. It's so weird. How hard and fast are you chewing? Well, because I eat healthy things. So maybe that's it. I feel like eating healthy things is better than eating no things. Well, there's a thing to eating five small meals that apparently. In an afternoon? Yeah. It's just.

And I'm just also, you know, whenever this stuff happens, it's just and i'm just also you know whenever this stuff happens it's just depression and i just saw a meme yesterday that was like when my regular depression meets seasonal depression and it's just like a thing on top of a thing and i think the weather outside is just like the sun is going away vitamin d is sucked out of that miss i don't even science and um just feeling bedraggled i can't get out of bed until 11 o'clock every single day. And after this podcast, I'm going back to bed. I'm going to LA on Monday and I'm supposed to have like a productive life

and I'm supposed to be like getting back into work and I'm just like, I don't know how I'm going to do this. All I want to do is sleep. And I think about mothers and like people who have responsibilities and I seriously feel like I or women that are just have actual autoimmune disorders that make them tired I feel so bad for people who are chronically sleepy I just don't know how they do it I'm so tired all the time

I mean it's do you debate in the morning of getting out of, is it always a constant debate? No, it's, I open my eyes and I go, no. I don't want to be, I just go, I hope it's still, because my room's so dark, I just hope it's four in the morning. Yeah, and it's like noon. And if it's eight, I go, okay, early. My new four in the morning is eight because I don't get up till 11.

So it still feels like this is great. So then I just keep going because if I'm awake, I'm just going to eat. Yeah. I'm just going to eat and I'm bored. I haven't been inspired to do, and I know it's like,

oh, you should go do things. And like, I just don't want to do anything though. I don't want to do anything except, and I can't watch anything because I have no one to watch stuff with

and I get bored doing that. So I just, I go to Starbucks to write. Yesterday I walked in there and i went to write i wrote for 20 minutes which is like more than enough for me i got a lot done in that time i just like it spilled out and then i was like okay i'm done and i felt accomplished i'm packing up my laptop and this guy is like who is sitting next to me the whole time and I think does not even notice me or like just doing his own thing. He's like, done for the day. And I'm just like, no, yes.

You know what? Definitely. And now I'm grossed out. I don't want to go back to Starbucks. I don't want men like watching what I'm doing and like waiting for me to get up so they can say something. And I know I've complained before

about men not hitting on me, but I do not want to be like commented on about i don't know your work your work the work for the day and i go and he got there after i did so he didn't know how long i worked for you know i mean so i could have been there hours before he sat down he could have just what time was it he's probably just like 4 30 or something like that real work as it goes to five you know that's a real work day i can't believe people who work like actual long hours i can't do it i can't i can't go to a coffee shop and feel comfortable enough to like be productive i feel everything i can feel comfortable really working because it's you're accountable there are people right next to you it's kind of like the atmosphere of like you work here and because it's performative that's true that's the

only way i work is if there's something on the line where someone's expecting something out of me and they're right next to me like i just that's very you're doing that one thing where you uh oh yeah i used to what was it called i forget what it was you hold it held accountable with someone else i forget what it was called it was oh it was like something workmate or something and you go and you get randomly assigned to someone else who wants to work for 50 minutes and you both have a talk on like video about what you're going to work on and then you check in 50 minutes later and you're both there and your cameras are both on like making you accountable so it kind of brings the star Starbucks library type atmosphere to your computer.

And I used to do that a lot and get stuff done when I used to have like things due. But now there's nothing due. It's kind of just like. You have to manage your own time. That's the difficult thing when you don't have like a nine to five and you have to hold yourself accountable. Yeah. I think I used to make to-do lists of like i'll do this from this there was a time during the pandemic when i was so depressed

i had some like intervention methods of like this is what you need to do you don't have a choice and it was like every day make your schedule the day before i mean when you are in la you'll have more things to keep from thinking about stuff like you know you'll have more things to do potentially i don't know if that's a good work all day i'll just be like i've lived in i'm living in santa monica i've lived there before oh is that where you decided yeah and um it's just like i just i'll it i'm actually already nauseated by like all these green juice perfect bodied women with like like straight hair and their little flirty pony hips and they're just their matchas that they sip on like i will finish a grande matcha in one sip and they just go and they just little sips and like they can like milk

one for all day long and they like carry it around, and it gets little water at the top because the ice is melted. Because they're just like, I don't know. I'm just not that into it. And they have their yoga clothes on, and they don't have... I don't know. I just can't take it. Get a longboard skateboard, you in the morning, just riding down.

That's more my look. I look like a homeless beach man. You really do lean into it yeah hey look i mean it comes out very funny i'll tell you that this depression's hilarious i know i've been making my friends laugh on the group chat because i'm just like just questioning things like why i'm not even trying to be funny why do we like men like why are we attracted to them like what is the point and then there was this other thing of like just not feeling like a woman like my you know friend kirsten is like oh i'm making fall pots where it's just like these pots you put

on your front doorstep that are like winter foliage i guess that just you know can withstand the cold temperatures and i'm like why why is that a thing and how do you know about this and like why am i not a real woman that's ever heard of fall pots and why would that not interest me why you're going to like on this is what i'm talking about when girls have days off and they're like nikki you need a day off i don't i go i don't because it would mean me going to the plant store and like walking around with a big ass cart and having to get a bag of soil and then some pickup it's just too much there's always something i'm not doing fall pots what is a ball pot what's the difference you put on your front porch that has wintry foliage that doesn't like you know it doesn't

need the sun as much cones yes and i said why or like poinsettias or, you know, mums. And I'm like, why not a tree? Why not a lawn? Like, why is it a pot? Like who determined that this is the thing? I want to be Kelly Ripa. I want to just be a woman that just does everything. That could be in entertainment, can look stunning on shows, has a sense of humor, likes to bake, has kids that love her,

has a husband that she still has a great relationship with. How do these women have it all? And that it also drinks wine and doesn't have a problem with it, still has flirty, fun times with her husband. It's just impossible. The non-funny answer is that she definitely has the same kind of thoughts and same kind of sadness, and you don't see it. But she Pilates it out.

Maybe. and same kind of sadness and you don't see it because... But she Pilates it out. Maybe. And I doubt Kelly Ripa has been through 40 months of her life where she couldn't get out of bed. I have wasted so much of my life in my room, dark room, when the sun is shining outside for more months of my life

than I've probably spent... You are a fall pot. Reach out to Kelly Ripa and like spend a day with Kelly Ripa. You know, if I had a TV show that would maybe be

a fun thing to pitch on a TV show. That's a great idea. How to fill a day. We'll be back with Kelly Ripa right after this. Andrew! Coming.

It's me, Kelly. I'm so happy. Plot is all day. Love my husband. Nine pack. Nine pack. Nine pack. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's

also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. The Daily Show Podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious, satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you

can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts all right we're back let's um let's skip any more of my blathering about how sad i am and inadequate when really everything's just great i have nothing to complain about and honestly the only thing that makes me okay right now is the fact that whenever i get jealous of another woman right now in my life i go we're probably gonna die from nuclear war at the same time and it doesn't matter no she's just gonna get women that are getting pregnant and working on their fertility and i'm jealous of them because i wish i wanted to do that i'm like they're gonna die in eight weeks too we're all gonna perish at the same time i love our skins all gonna melt off at the

same time and your eggs that you froze are all going to melt in that lab that you froze them in. Honestly, these are my thoughts lately. My next special is going to be a dark one. Because I've been putting this all down and I'm like, I'm not a bad person. It's not like I

make these things happen. No, these are real thoughts. I'm just thinking dark things. You're like if Notre Dame is like one week what? Before your period. Yeah. My special? Yeah, you should do all your writing when you feel like your vagina is an armpit.

Well, I've been writing down my dark thoughts, like my really dark thoughts where I like wish death upon people secretly. I think Dahmer's helping me get there because his dad was like... The glasses don't help. I'm wearing these glasses right now for the fraction

of you watching the podcast. It looks very Dahmer-esque. Very Dahmer-esque. Yeah. But it's because my face is disgusting right now and I can't handle it anymore and I can't look at it and I don't want to be on video. This is a great day. I'm having fun. I day. I'm having fun. I am.

Making fun of my depression. It's actually putting me in a good mood. I hope so. But the dark thoughts I've been like, because on Dahmer, Dahmer's dad, once you get into like later episodes, Dahmer's dad and it's, you know, comes out what he did and he's arrested.

Dahmer's dad starts having like these really, he just is placing all the blame on himself. He's like, I had dark these i had these thoughts too i wanted to hypnotize a neighborhood girl so i could control her because that's all what dommer wanted to do he was not someone who even liked to kill people he only killed people because he wanted them to just be not like nothing he didn't like enjoy some guys like enjoy strangling and like get he didn't get aroused from that um and so his dad felt guilty and his his dad is crying to um you know his wife dom or stepmom and he's like i did this to my boy i used

to have these thoughts i thought in church about murdering people what it would feel like to murder someone and i don't have those thoughts but it was nice to hear yeah not in church outside the church yeah well what are your dark i mean i know our thoughts are there's nothing wrong with having thoughts people sometimes you say thoughts and people go oh yeah it's like well it did i didn't do it it's not who you are yeah unless you're thought you can think about murdering people all day long and i don't i'm not a homicide i don't have homicidal fantasies i just have fantasies of people's lives falling apart that i'm jealous of just because i want them to experience yeah sadness and hurt yeah i just don't want them to have these perfect

lives and it's it's a really bad part of me because the thing is they do have sad parts of their lives i just don't see that but i think that sometimes people get so upset for people it's almost like 1984 like thought crimes like you're a bad person because you think it like george orwellian type um things but it's like i am realizing oh my thoughts there's nothing wrong with them there i mean there is if i act on them. But thoughts themselves, I can think anything I want. I've had some, especially in New York. You know how many times I wanted to throw a baby in a stroller on the track? But why?

Because the baby's crying or because you're just like angry? Probably because I had to get your coffee. No, I don't know. I think it was just like a weird thought. I've never had you get my coffee by the way because i just don't trust you grabbing the right one that is something i always get myself i used to get it when we were whatever but yeah so anyways back to no and also because i never wanted to be left alone in the uber with the uber driver because you go i'll get it oh that's why

you got it all yeah i never wanted to be alone with the Uber driver. You would always leave me alone. You'd be like, I'll get it, acting like a hero. I'm like, you're not a hero right now. You talk to this guy. I thought you were being nice. You're leaving me with the weird conversations. I just don't. I mean, you could have come with me, but I do not want to be in there alone.

No way. So, yeah, no. I mean, I don't know why I would want to do that. I just like, it's just the thought that i think i was just frustrated with my day picking up 19 things of dog shit you know smelling like dog shit feeling like a baby or were you just joking um i don't know if i was joking there i mean i'm trying to like i've got targeted what do you mean like at someone who i had someone individual who i i didn't know this baby i didn't know the baby i don't know the baby's name towards just like randos yeah but unless they they are doing something in that moment maybe throwing someone down the stairs in front of me at some point that's walking too slow and i'm just

like let's see them fall down nine flights you know i was like i wish there's more flights for them to fall down mine gets mine are more specific is interesting because that's like a different that's like uh is that more or less premeditated i mean i think that would be like because i don't think i've ever had i mine are never violent i'll say that mine are always like i hope she falls that's violent ish but not me pushing her not me strangling or not me doing it like or and i don't i don't want to see the, not me doing it like... So how does she fall? I don't want to see the fall. I just want to hear about it later.

How does she fall? No, I actually... I don't wish that... I wish on like... I hope that she gets broken up with and has to have heartbreak. Okay. I hope that she...

Which leads to her falling down the stairs. I hope she develops... I hope she like... I hope she gets a thyroid condition that makes her gain weight for a few months just so she can see what it's like to not be this skinny bitch that gets whatever she wants.

And by the way, these are dark thoughts that are like, I really don't wish that on someone. I really don't. At the end of the day, if I really think about it, I don't want anyone to feel sad or bad. But I think that when I get jealous, my jealousy just knows no bounds like i get so jealous of people like but it's it's been this way my whole life i mean i'll get to it um well i guess i won't get to the thing but i yesterday i was writing about it and i'm like it started when i was so young i may have said this on the podcast before i remember because you remember things from your childhood early by the way your parents react

or by the way someone reacts. If someone goes, oh my God, you know, like you just say dumb things, but if someone really laughs at something you say or someone is really horrified, it kind of sticks in your head.

And I remember one time, which this would not have stuck in my head except my mom's reaction was, I was probably seven or eight and I was like, mom, I'm never going to have kids. And she was like, probably seven or eight and I was like, mom, I'm never gonna have kids. And she was like,

okay, Nikki. And I was like, I just don't want them because what if I have a daughter and she's, that means she's younger than me and I'll be jealous. I mean,

have that thought at eight years old. And I didn't even like men. Obviously, I didn't like men until I was yesterday. But where did you hear the younger thing? I just picked it up.

That's what I'm saying. It had to come from somewhere. From watching TV, from being a woman in the world, you just realize youth equals power. There's something amazing about being an eight-year-old looking at a four-year-old being like, this fucking four-year-old bitch, you think you can... No, it was just about me realizing how good I had it.

Because I remember being like, Mom, are you jealous of me? Because I'm younger than you. Like, you must be. Because that's the way women feel. It's like, you're jealous of whoever's younger. So I remember her head slowly turning. We were like reading a book. I remember it was like barnyard animals.

I remember being very close to her. And I remember her head turning and goes, what did you just say? And I was like like but you're jealous of me because i'm young i'm never gonna have a because what if i have a daughter if i have a boy who cares but if a daughter she'll definitely be younger than me and what she's prettier than me i won't be able to handle it and i still i don't feel that way about a daughter but um and even poppy my niece i thought oh is there was a part of me that was like, if my sister has a niece, I know she's going to be prettier than me.

And I hope she is. Like, that's truly how I feel. But I have always felt this way. And it's hard to. This is when you started killing young girls. It's like the nucleus of who I am. I feel like. Is hating younger women.

I feel like when you. Or just envious of them, not hating. I mean How does that go I think as a mother You live vicariously Throughout good looking kids That's what my mom said

She was like That doesn't happen with mothers And I'm like Then I saw You know You see movies like Mean Girls And you see like

The Amy Poehler character You see like Housewives And all these women Are trying to be as young As their daughters And like dating the men That their daughters date and you're like it is a thing yeah it is a thing i mean i think yeah i think you just just if you're gonna have a daughter you just have an abortion even if it's late maybe do you believe that your mom

feels that way do you still believe that no i didn't think that she did even at the time but i think i just kind of did the math of like women yeah older women are jealous of younger women therefore why how are moms not jealous of their daughters because they're like younger versions of them and they're they are examples of all the things that they could they're like it is sad to think that you will never you're not we're dying like we have less life ahead of us than younger people that's like a sad thing to accept that you have less than someone else like you know the way you feel about money when people have more money than you it's like you know we have less years than so many people i had a thought go through my head yesterday about like

there'll be a cure for a disease that i will die from three three years after i die from it something like that chris always talks about the native americans like there was one native american who died the day before smallpox or white men settled yeah he was like this is the greatest last ever like you know it was like my life was amazing and that's actually a great story of like he didn't have to face that. Genocide, yeah. But like he would have never known. But there's always the right before.

Yeah. I guess you live enough life where you go, I'm good. Well, I'm reading this book about the AIDS epidemic. Not epidemic, but like when AIDS was like there was no really plan. No one was talking about it in the 80s. It's called The Great Believers. It's a really good book. But they all are not wanting to get tested because there's no cure so what's the point

and they also feel like the government's going to track them once they're tested no one's talking about it there's like thousands and thousands of men dying every day but because it's like this gay thing no one really wants to talk about it reagan won't address it the challenger explosion just happened in the book and they're like, oh, he's going to make a speech about 14 people dying, but he won't talk about 30,000 people in a year. Reminds me a little of COVID

because the people that died of COVID were overweight, they were old, and it's like, no one cares. And so with gay people, it's like, whatever. It's just the gay people.'s like whatever it's just a gay people and then it starts leaning into oh well these people are starting to get sick that you oh tom hanks and rita wilson we should shut down the nba it was such a good movie we should shut it down well there's also the thing of the gay thing of um sorry dommer even yeah like you're watching dommer and you realize

it's such a story about civil rights and about gay rights because dommer got got to keep doing what he was doing because he was in he got gay people had to operate in the shadows and so cops were just like he would literally the cops would come over and they'd be like what can we see in your bedroom and he'd be like oh there's just a bunch of gay shit in there and they'd be like what can we see in your bedroom and he'd be like oh there's just a bunch of gay shit in there and they'd be like okay well we don't want to go in there like he could just say he could excuse anything weird in his apartment as gay yeah and they're like there's bones in your bedside table he's like well it's just some gay stuff and they'd be like oh well go about your business we have a good night sir and then they here's this little boy who's bleeding out of his head that we're not going to ask about he's's 14. I mean, the Dahmer thing is fucking

insane. You guys have to... I can't believe you guys haven't seen it yet. I saw the first episode and the last episode. What? Brenna watched it. Oh, it's so good. I'm going to watch it now. Did she say it was good? She loves it. She started watching the tapes after. Yeah, that's why Netflix was like, we got to get these tapes together because

this show is so watchable. Let's get to the news. You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. You heard it here first, folks. It's Wednesday.

You know what that means? It is Wednesday. We're having all the swells over here. Nikki is not depressed. I'm swelled. She's having swelled. She's swelled up seven days before. She's swelled. Tragic.

Period. Bears. One week. Get ready. Here we come. Explosion. And then another week of blood. It's great. What a tractor. One week. Get ready. Here we come. Explosion. And then another week of blood. It's great. What a life.

It'll end soon. That's a menopause joke, not a suicide joke. Don't say nuclear, George W. Bush. Is that worse than getting hit with one? Supposedly. Why is there two U's in there? Supposedly. Why is there two U's in there? Who knows?

There's not. IQ. All right. IQ killer. Okay. A woman was excited about her birthday. Sorry. Was excited about her birthday trip to Costa Rica with her boyfriend when she received a message on Facebook from

someone who told her that her boyfriend was in fact also in a long-term relationship with her friend. Her friend? No, I feel like they weren't friends. Oh, the girl's friend. The one that messaged. Yes.

So a girl got a message from a girl and the girl that messaged her was like, hey, my friend is dating your boyfriend got it yes soon the two girlfriends started texting each other and um since the trip was already paid for they ended up going together they became close friends both of them said i was thinking it would probably help us both to go on a trip like this we deserve this after what we've gone through. Yeah, didn't he do shifty stuff where he would change out their toothbrush and change all of their things each time they came over? They were so in disbelief about it that they shared photos to make sure it was exactly him.

They talked about the gray robe he would wear and stuff like that. Because it was over a year for each. The planning over a year for exhausting over a year for each so wait he gave up his seat to one of the girlfriends i gotta say birthday things like i'm tired of this whole thing of like but it's my birthday you can't like that details added to a story and it always if it's a woman's but it's all and it and to top it off it was on my birthday is i'm sorry women we gotta stop with this birthday thing you are entitled to your pain no matter what time of year it is it being your birthday means nothing to me it doesn't make me feel more sorry for you i understand a birthday is a very important time to people that don't have other things going on in their lives but on the bachelor bachelor in paradise there's so many there's been three incidents now of like but you can't we can't he's gonna break up with me on my

birthday i can't leave the show on my birthday it's just like my birthday month yeah it's so stupid no it reminds it makes me think like the girl was like you know what i'm mad but i'm gonna go to costa rica still because i'm and i'll take care of it five days later and then you keep putting it off you're like well then next month we have you know we're going on the ski trip so i can't say anything then like you keep putting things it reminds me of like when my parents pretended to be together during my bar mitzvah instead of to like just show face yeah it's like when people try to quit drinking i don't get the analogy to this thing oh because like so just like the idea

of like not not ending it because it's like something so like on my birthday let's deal with it a week from now because it's my birthday right and i feel like a lot of people people push things because it's their birthday yeah or certain feel like a lot of people people push things because it's their birthday yeah or certain things like that yeah well it's like when people it's it's just a way to avoid being accountable for the things going on in your life like these girls like like i said like i it makes the story a bit better to be like and it was my birthday trip when really it could just be a trip that you were going to take it doesn't matter to me because i just don't care about birthdays i love birthdays i love celebrating people

but girls that identify with their birthdays in this way unless it's a 40th birthday or like a like one of the big ones the 40 is pretty much the only big one um because it marks the time where men stop caring about you existing oh it's way before that but um i just feel like... Could you do that with another girl, though? Go on a ski trip? No, because I have friends. Sharing a man?

That's another thing with the story. Sorry, I don't think these girls have friends. Oh, that's a good point. Because if I... I don't want to be alone with an Uber driver for 30 seconds while you grab a mobile order. I would want to go on this trip with someone who I actually was friends with.

This, however, if I was looking to make the news, I would have this girl come with me. Or make the guy jealous. Like, make the guy feel like shit. It's like, look at us. We're going to still live it up, bitch. This just told me this girl didn't have many friends. And maybe I'm totally wrong. Maybe I'm wrong about this.

Noah, would you ever invite the girl? No. But, okay, the surprising thing to me was that the Washington Post, I just kept reading through it. This article would not end. The reporter even tried to get the boyfriend to comment on it, but they couldn't.

I just couldn't believe that they pulled. The amount of investigating. And they're like, have you guys heard about Yemen? What's going on over there? Someone cheated? there's so many people that have birthdays over there and they're starving to death on their birthday birthday they would love to go to costa rica they got bombed on their birthday yeah it just i don't you know i'm actually sad for the guy in this because what is like the girls like obviously that is so heartbreaking to be like lied to and it's going to

fuck with their sense of trust. What a sad person to have two separate relationships going on. Like that is untreatable. These girls can learn how to trust again. That kind of sociopathy is untreatable. He is as doomed as Dahmer. He will never, ever have a normal relationship.

Ever again. Can you say that about Adam Levine? Adam Levine, I cannot believe we've already just moved on from that. Did he ever get caught physically cheating? Of course he cheated. I don't think he got caught, but of course he did. Of course, yeah.

Of course he did. Look at think he got caught but of course he did of course yeah of course he did look at him no one looks like you know it's so funny you know it's so funny when you've when you're like because before that story people could look at your tattoos and be like those are cool it's kind of reminds me of yesterday when we were talking about you could finger someone and then it could become an like. His tattoos go from cool to creepy in just one story. You know what I mean? His tattoos, no one was talking so much shit about how ridiculous he looked until that story came out and then it goes, oh, it adds up now. Yeah, that is, I knew it would happen that we go.

Well, that it would just get, that we would go back to liking him again. It's already, he's already performing again. I don't want him to be canceled. Who cares? But let's just make fun of him a bit longer. Yes. Please? Those texts, I mean,

that was the problem is those memes went nuts of like, oh my God, look at that body. It makes it a joke. It makes it a joke. Everyone, but they were so funny. But then it just became oversaturated with everyone doing those memes that we got tired of it and then we flush that story down the drain and it's on to the next thing and it's like let's spend a little bit more time on the fact that he

almost he was going to name his baby after his mistress what a what a piece of shit. I mean, that is sociopathic. It's so, I just, there are, the more I read about celebrities. I think if the wife left him, the story would keep going. I think when someone goes, well, I forgave him. So who are we to not forgive him if she forgives him? Well, can we skip ahead to the Giselle story, Noah? Can we go to Why Do I Care? Yes, skip ahead to the good part.

Yes. Why do I care? Oh, Giselle Brady? Yeah. I'm into this. Are you fired up? And I have an actual update on this that I don't think Noah had seen yet, but this is a good, we'll get into it.

I saw something came out today. Yeah. Giselle sacked Tom Brady over sexless marriage. The Brazilian beauty needed more. Okay, first of all, I don't know if I trust this article. Yeah, this article. This is at Washington Post. What is this article from?

Isn't the Daily Mail? No, it's Radar Online. Oh, okay. Oh, it's Radar. Yeah, they've won Pulitzer's. Yeah. This guy's been years journal. This is nominated

for a Peabody, the story. This actually I took from a different news report because they didn't include this, but it made sense. The 45-year-old quarterback does not deviate

from his strict diet or lifestyle, which he considers the reason he is still able to play. And that includes not having sex up to 72 hours

before a game. And here's from Radar. An insider says that Giselle is a Brazilian supermodel with a super sex drive and she's told her friends she needs more from her all-American husband. I mean, that's a made-up story. That can't be real. I mean, I definitely think he doesn't

have sex before a game. Oh, yeah, he's insane. But I don't think she would care about that. I think this has to do with him being more obsessed with football than his family. What's 17 times three? That's how many days a year he doesn't fuck. But he goes into a playoff, so that's 20 games. So 20 times, 60 days a year he's not at fucking her.

I think women could deal with that. Wait, 17 games you said? Well, he goes to the playoffs every year. So how many games is that? Around 20, 21 times three. So 20 times four, because it's three days before and i'm doubt everybody's too tired on the game so four times so 100 days a year he doesn't fuck her with this map half that's almost a third yeah it's almost a third of the year based on

the things that we know about a year having 365 it. No, it's got to be so annoying the dates. He probably cuts up his blueberries in fourths. But they used to blame her for that. They used to blame her for him being all crazy about his vegan diet and not eating tomatoes and not eating anything fizzy or whatever. They used to blame her and be like, she's making him a little pussy. And now it's the opposite story. What else did you hear about?

Well, this is interesting. So you know that guy Jay Shetty? Yeah. Who has like those piercing blue eyes? Yeah. That everyone just is convincing themselves that he is probably smart and has a lot of- I've heard he's not-

A good person? No. But you can hear that about anyone. No. Yeah, he had sex with Adam Levine, I heard. With those cheekbones, but? No. But you can hear that about anyone. No. Yeah, he had sex with Adam Levine, I heard. With those cheekbones. But every time you watch a video of his, there's that music behind it.

I know. It's inspirational. If you want to get back your life. The thing is, I used to. It's just that he's only 35. He's only 35. Did you know that? Don't. But he's older.

These self-help people. i've been watching so many videos recently of this i sent one to andrew this morning of this guy of um what was the name yeah i said because you love mike posner this story was had zero information in it that made me feel inspired but the music behind it can i play it yeah please do it's so i want us to do our own i want to hear an inspiring story can we play the music behind it it could be um let me find the one i sent you okay i could tell you exactly what it was because i had the same conversation with my coach it's just i really did with my basketball coach in high school wait hold on i mean i feel like a lot of people had this conversation, and you are waiting.

These are the things with these videos. And I will say that this is stand-ups out there putting out clips. Have something funny in the clip. Just because you clip it out, I wait, and I watch, and I go, when's the punchline coming? When the dates come. When's the- The tour dates. No.

No, I know. There's so many videos out there that don't give you any kind of sustenance, but they give you the soundtrack in the background or they just convince you that something's funny is going to happen. I'm so tired of it all. Just because something has this...

Everyone needs an origin story with these things. That's what... Well, when you hear Mike Posner's thing. Yeah. It's just... There's a difference between... What happened and your story about what happened. I was on the basketball team in high school. Oh, this will be good.

And I didn't play on the basketball team. Oh, whoa. He's on the bench. Three quarters of the way through the season, I built up all this courage. I had a meeting with the coach in his office. And I said, coach, why don't you ever play me? Whoa. He looked at me and he goes,

Something big's going to happen here. Don't play you because you're not good enough. Okay, okay. Well, maybe more is coming. And in that moment, I tried really hard not to. I started crying. Oh, he started crying.

I was embarrassed. I was crying. Something's about to happen. He doesn't know how special I am, and I'll show him. Oh, so he's going to show him. He's going to show him. He said I wasn't good enough. Which was true. I wasn't's about to happen. He doesn't know how special I am, and I'll show him. Oh, so he's going to show him. He's going to show him. Which was true.

I wasn't good enough to play. That's why I didn't play. Right, right. But he's going to show him. I think that's how this is going to end. The story about what happened was he doesn't understand me. He doesn't see how good I am, and I'll show him. Okay.

And not only that, no one understands me. Right. That's how I was living my life. There's a difference between what happened and your story about what happened. I was on the basketball team. Wait, wait, wait. It just started over. Wait, we didn't get to a point.

There was no point at the end. I don't mind the story. I was waiting for something to happen. He was either going to show the coach or the coach was going to say something very, you know. It seems like what he thought happened happened. Inspirational. That's what I'm. What he thought happened happened.

What he thought happened happened. Yeah. So the point of his thing was that not the story you tell yourself is different than the one that happened. But the story he told himself was the one that happened and nothing happened. I guess the only thing that didn't happen is like he might have told himself then that he wasn't good enough. I've now wasted a minute and 15 seconds of my life watching that twice. I held on to every word because I heard that music. And I'm like, this is going to be big.

And I know you like Posner. You got bit by a snake while he was walking across the country or some shit. And I was like, I need some inspiration today. I'm feeling bloated. I'm feeling soggy. And that's what I got was a story about him being bad at basketball, being told he's bad at basketball, and it being the truth. What does that mean?

It also makes it sound like the music was already playing at the podcast. Like, we should do a podcast tomorrow where the music plays the whole time. Well, that's how he talks. Everything is like this. When people tell inspirational stories i was a young boy i didn't have much it's all like a rhythm to it of making you feel sad and like i saw a thing this guy he interviews like random like people and be like how did you become successful and this guy was the nike ceo and their whole thing he goes tell

emotional stories and you do learn that like even if you're a stand-up even if you're an actor like the rock the rock does it fake the rock does it like crazy for when you hear an emotional story generally if it's from someone who's strikingly good looking it's such bullshit if it's from someone who is they're young they're a four-year-old i'm not kidding you if it's from someone who is they're young they're a four-year-old i'm not kidding you if it's from someone who's too hot looking and also who has propped their camera up in a way that like i i don't believe any of it and i see it happening the rock is so full of shit have you heard him talk about not wanting to be president he's like i just he's like he pretty much is like i mean i could be well listen it's something that I would love to do.

And it's something that I know I would be great at. But you know what my job, the most important job I have is being a daddy. He used the word daddy. No, he didn't. Yes. Chris's show made fun of it the other day. And Chris was like, and he had to say daddy. That guy is so full of shit and full of himself.

And by the way, most people would go, I don't want to be president. I don't know what I would do. I'm not qualified to be president. He assumes yeah, I'd win. I would be qualified, but I don't want to do it because I'm a daddy. Stop calling yourself a daddy. That's disgusting. I am on

a high alert if you call yourself daddy. You are gross. I want to do a test. We should both think of the most inspirational story that we could think of yeah put it on instagram and watch that you would get 200 000 likes if you go i've been sober for 15 years that's the thing is like i i even with people's stand-up clips i've been watching recently i'm like i know this trick oh i could do this and i'm so i think that's what sent me into depression as i saw stand-up clips yesterday that i was just like i could do this if i wanted to i know every trick i have this level of confidence i have this level

of writing style these people are being sold yeah like just processed yeah fake goop it's like you're all eating at Del Taco every day for your entertainment. I just... Watch Dahmer. That is an excellent show. I'm not kidding you. Dahmer respects its viewers. It does. I first started watching Dahmer being like, oh, this is a number. It gave me hope that people

like that show because... But the thing is it could be crap and they'd still watch it because people like crap. It's like... but this is what people do to be really famous and successful just make make stuff that is just low bar and and fake fake fake sincerity fake um anger about things everything's fake and that's the problem as a stand-up you want to be real about things and that's where i struggle as a stand-up sometimes because i'm like i'm not really that passionate about anything right now and i'm not gonna fake like i am but

i could that's the problem because even when so you know when we do this thing that's like it's like yeah i could i could totally write a whole act that just placates to women's uh you know yeah like bachelorette night out like that the two dumb girls i think the opposite of it i think i have trouble being sincere without feeling fake or like without feeling like i'm trying to get something out of it yeah even though look i like sincerity when it's pure it's fucking beautiful like when i can really tell formative that's why i hate one man shows they are trying to access sincerity every night this like vulnerable thing that they went through they have to like get to that point where they're like like choked up and i will not fake a choking

up thing unless it is so serving a joke where everyone knows she's choking up to be funny later on i will never take you to a place emotionally on stage that i am not currently in it's just so gross to me well i i took a one-man show the guy that this guy seth bear she was uh berbiglia's director yeah and this woman got up there and she literally took us to the moment through acting which was amazing acting some people can do it it. I don't mean to say this for everyone. I'm not saying it was good because it took you to her place of abuse to a point where the audience, it took you to so much that it wasn't good. You know what I mean?

Like you can go, I don't know, like it was so emotional that it was. I respect that more than people who just fake it every time. And if you are a stand-up that gets sincere in your act,

you take a good, cold look in the mirror about yourself. Like, I can get sincere about some things sometimes, but I don't waste more than 10 seconds on it.

And the only reason I waste 10 seconds is because I actually feel that way. I am so sick of this performative sincerity. So I just want to say,

I'll reveal what the Giselle tweet is when I get back by Jay Shetty because it is good and we should get to it right after this. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast.

The Daily Show Podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition, on the iheart radio app apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts okay we're back and we are on a fucking roll today we really are um it's been a nice roller coaster yeah the fire inside me is burning bright seven days yes countdown so now i know a week before my

period is when i am at peak anger but also like i do have an enthusiasm right now oh it's burning boy i don't that's the thing when i was writing down dark thoughts yesterday and i was like my next special is just going to air out every dark thought i've ever had because i'm tired of holding it back when i watched like i saw bill burr uh do a joke about how women are always like uplifting like you know lizzo like we love you and he just he said of course you are because you're not threatened by her and it just like cut right through you can't be mad at him even though he does stuff sometimes that you're like that's body shaming i'm not a big fan of that it seems like a little misogynistic i'm not a fan of that that to me i was like he's right well it goes back to

when whitney was like yeah shave your head so then you're not threatened like i know your tricks like that's what my joke about yes yeah anyhow it's it but there was something about with no context but it just made me think yeah no it's the same thing but i forget the tweet the jay shetty yeah i just yeah to close it up i just want to say that i am worried though that my dark thoughts that i wrote yesterday that i'm like oh this is going to be like the crux of my new special i'm not going to be able to recreate those dark thoughts every night because i'm i'm in a dark zone right now and i feel like i don't want to be insincere by bringing writing these jokes and having to recreate them every night on stage when i'm not feeling it but maybe some people want that in a performer where they're like it's a show bitch put it on get in to costume but i'm

someone i can't go see broadway shows because i don't want to see people have to perform when they might not want to it's very hard when you're in a depression state to you don't you don't want that to last yeah you don't want that to last. Yeah. You don't want that to be your thing. And I write jokes in depressions that I cannot support in my normal state sometimes. Damien Rice or whatever, the singer, he always talks about. Still a little bit of your taste. Yeah.

Yeah, from Closer or Closer. Still a little bit of. Yeah. So he writes from a very sad place. Yeah. And he said it's very. He writes on the floor in the closet. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. With big jeans place. Yeah. And he said it's very- He always writes on the floor in the closet. Yeah.

Yeah. With big jeans on. With a gun in his mouth. Yeah. With big jeans on. Okay. So Jay Shetty, the guy with piercing blue eyes, he wrote on Instagram, he posted a tweet that said, you can't be in a committed relationship with someone who is inconsistent with you.

Read that again. I hate read that again, by the way. I couldn't be consistent with that sentence. That's an irape. What did it say one more time? It is an irape.

Read that again. It's so crazy and poignant what I just said. You might need to read it again. Yeah. You can't be

in a committed relationship with someone who is inconsistent with you. Read that again. You can't be in a committed relationship with someone who is inconsistent with you read that again you can't be in a committed relationship with someone who's inconsistent with you read it again one more time i'm stuck in a j shetty loop i'm stuck in a j shetty got you bullshit loop um and then underneath that giselle and this was on comments by celebs they caught this giselle commented a prayer hands emoji so that

is our biggest clue yet because she has been mum I mean we can't really trust these like friends of hers that you know well he was not consistent in retiring from football maybe that's what she's talking about there with you it says inconsistent with you I think it's

and yeah that it was inconsistency of being like I think he got back into his life and was just and and he's so obsessed with football there's nothing there's no room probably for anything else because it requires that level of obsession and as someone who's dated someone in tv production and i told him like I can't if TV productions like that like people work 20 hour days and then they sleep for two hours and they start again and you're like I can't be with someone who works in this like level of like obsessive work that it's like these and then there's time off but it's still like I I don't think I could do it if i were giselle date someone who was that obsessed with their work i mean i i think like also she's in a job where like look she makes

she makes more money than him i've learned like twice as much like crazy amount of money but like she was a model of her life she gets celebrated by being young and gorgeous and whatever like that profession that's what that is. Yeah. And I feel like it's like, okay, well, you had your football thing. Now it's time to pay attention. Like I feel like her profession is done in a sense of like what that is, right? And like football, you only have a finite amount of years.

I mean, it's like modeling. Athletes and models are very similar. You tap out around like 27. So I'm sure she's just like okay i'm done it's time for you to be done let's enjoy each other yeah we don't have to keep pushing for this what's he gonna do when he actually has to stop like what is he gonna he already has a 300 million dollar deal to do to be i know but he doesn't want to broadcast that guy wants to play football forever and that's the problem like when models and there is or or in athletes there's there's a end to this

yeah that's shorter than any other career and it sucks because those people are sometimes the most dedicated to the profession of anyone yeah who are you when you're done working if if comedians had to quit around 20 or if i was like an old comedian right now because if i was modeling i'd be an old model that's what kind of my point is with the giselle it would be devastating yeah like i would you'd have to go i don't care how much they're paying me to do anything else it would be like hard to you know i could do other things it would be hard to have it taken from you giselle is told by the world that you're the most gorgeous person on earth. Which she is.

She's gorgeous. But the guy you're sleeping next to is looking at a playbook instead of looking at your tits. Yes. And it's got to feel. It happens to every woman, no matter how gorgeous she is. You will eventually. That helps me sleep at night, too. No matter how gorgeous you are, your man to get tired of fucking you at some point

because it's like at least tom brady has a pretty good excuse like he's like a quarterback for 20 million there's a guy not looking at your tits who's like making four dollars yes people people act shocked about the adam levine thing like but he's with bahati how could he ever go after these instagram models that aren't as cute as her and And it was just like, you think that's what this is about? Are you that stupid that you think models can't get cheated on? I mean, maybe I thought that when I was 14 years old. But how do adults think that if you are a certain level of hotness that you won't get hurt? And by the way, there's a secret part of me that thinks that too.

Because I am so jealous of hot girls that I think their lives are perfect. So, I mean, I kind of, I'm a snake eating its own tail right now. IQ. It is funny to think that like, to think of a guy like,

I won't be like, how do they do it? And then they look over and their husband's playing fantasy football instead of fucking them. Like, or just looking at photos of tom brady instead of like every yeah dude i mean it's you know you gotta keep spicing it up and and i you know i think tom brady probably he's not tired of probably sleeping with her he's probably just

tired of sleeping with anyone except for a football final thought last night we were watching bachelor in paradise and there is exciting stuff that's about to happen so usually on the show bachelor in paradise it's like a bunch of singles that you know from the bachelor franchise go to this island and they all every week you know the guys will have the roses and then um you know and there's an uneven number of guys and girls so like some girls will go home because they don't get a rose then the next week the power dynamic will shift the girls have the roses and they bring on new people to spice things up well this season based on like the um preview last night everyone's already coupled up kind of and

like what everything's kind of like where it is and safe and like steady and next week they are they the host goes girls pack your things up and the girls have to go stay at a hotel where they bring in a new batch of girls that are. And Chris and I have been watching and being like, the caliber of hotness of these girls is not what we generally expect from The Bachelor. And if I walked on the island, they would be like, who is this sand goblin? These girls are way hotter than me. So I'm judging. I'm saying these girls aren't hot enough but they are hotter than me no judgment but you expect a level from bachelor and you're just like and i also think as an older person watching the show beauty standards are changing so much that what i think is attractive for a man is no longer what is attractive to younger girls for a man. Does that make sense? Yeah, or attractive to a younger guy.

Yeah, and women with filler and different things like that. I think the women are beautiful, but Chris is kind of like, I'm a little disappointed in them, and I'm disappointed in the men, but I think beauty standards are changing, and this is just a young – yeah, so anyway, but the girls that are coming in next are fucking smoking hot. They've saved a batch. So they're coming in. That fucking smoking hot. Like they've, they up there, they saved a batch. So they're coming in. They're walking in.

Definitely done on purpose. It's amazing. I'm so jealous of this. They, I think they took a page out of F boy Island and we're like, we need to up the ante and make this a little bit more vicious because if you, if you know, bachelor in paradise,

I've ever watched that. This has never happened before. I mean, one or two people will come in and they'll be a hot girl but they've never sent the girls away

and been like sorry you just have to and this girl's like so I just have to sit in a hotel by myself when I know that my boyfriend on my birthday

on my birthday and we're like your birthday you said your birthday was two weeks ago what's going on she's like I mean

if my mom like was in labor for a really long time. It was interesting when we would do it on FBoy, because sometimes, well, if they were even or a little bit lower, there was no way they were- There was no jealousy. But if Casey walks in, everyone loses their goddamn shit. Yeah.

I mean, that was like- It's all about attractiveness. And that's these girls, like, you can tell... And newness, new things. Yeah, and it doesn't matter if they're hot or not. Like, new guys like new. And women are not that into new. I don't know if Tom Brady, like, a month after divorcing Giselle,

will be like, I got to fill in another woman. It'd be interesting to see who he dates next. We'll see him with people, but I think it'll be like Tiger Woods. You know, like, we'll see him with people but I think it'll be like Tiger Woods you know like we'll see him date people that like not a model but it is weird to me

that those two I always thought were just such an exemplary couple but you know he left his other the woman before because he met this woman

that is so perfect for him and they are meant to be and they have this like blended family and everything just seems so perfect she's so supportive of him and he seems supportive it just i know that everything's not perfect but it looked perfect yeah and it's kind of interesting to me that they both get to go fuck new people now and like fall in love again with a whole different person we're gonna watch

giselle get married it's gonna be on people magazine there's a guy out there that giselle is gonna be married to the rest of her life. Pete Davidson. Probably. That would be unbelievable. That would be awesome. Or what if Tom Brady dated Pete Davidson? That would be unbelievable.

Oh, my God. I like the new Pete Davidson Taco Bell commercials. He's adorable. I love him. I love him, too. Yeah. It's going to be interesting to see who they date. If she dates someone younger, he dates someone younger.

And how they get, how it gets viewed. Can you imagine getting married and being married for, they've been married, what, 12, 15 years? And thinking this is it forever. And then now being like, I get to go, I mean, I know it's like tragic, but I just, there's, I don't know why I romanticize it so much, but I love older couples breaking up and being like, this was fun for now, but now I'm going to go fall in love with someone else. Like I love on Dahmer,

his, I think it's so cute how Dahmer's dad and the stepmom, Molly Ringwald, had this like youthful relationship of like love and compassion. And they're like old as fuck. There's something so sweet about that because you never see that because by that age it's just like they're not cute anymore sometimes you see all my grandma and grandpa still flirt on tiktok and it'll be like

look at my grandma and grandpa they still love each other after all these years and it's like them sitting on each other's lap and you're like oh that's so sweet and it's like them sitting on each other's lap. And you're like, oh, that's so sweet. And it's one in a million that that is still as cute as it was the day they got married. But isn't the dom, it's a stepmom, right? Yeah. So it's renewed. It's new love. That's what I'm saying. I like that.

I like the idea that like old people, I don't think a relationship's a failure if you go, we did 15 years. That, for this time in our life, it was good. But now I'm going to go meet someone new and have a new whole new life that i thought i would never have i think there's something very exciting about that i wonder if like they're at the age to what 45 she how old is jazelle similar age yeah probably so i mean they're young enough where they they got a lot of fucking they are going to have great yeah i can't wait to watch what happens with their relationships. He's going to be dating Katie Holmes.

She's going to be dating the weekend. I mean, I guarantee you she will be dating the weekend. He dates everyone. If he becomes single, he might play until 55. He might just keep. That might be the only thing that was keeping him from not playing. You know what I mean? I mean, he's having an okay year.

It's so embarrassing to. Oh, oh really so how's it going i mean this year hasn't it's not things aren't lining up well like like if he was playing great he'd be like yeah you're it's good leave giselle but he's playing just good enough where it's like maybe you should have quit you know that's the thing i would you rather retire on top like Seinfeld style or go out and play as long as you could and just always be remembered as a great, but kind of like fade out? Because I just watched Pujols last game the other night. And it was just so intriguing to me

that everyone was like, it's his last game. And I'm like, every single one of these players is going to have a last game. Like there's something so sad about that. It just reminds you of death kind of. Like there's going to be a last for everything you do. do there's gonna be a last podcast that we do there's gonna be a last time that i go hi noah there's gonna be a last time that i'm like bye andrew see you tomorrow there'll be a last time for everything in your life it's a little sam heresy

that i'm getting into this but that i think that i had a friend when i was depressed send me a uh elena, she does, she's a producer on This American Life and she sent me this piece that she had been working on that never aired about depression. And man, I wish it would have aired so badly. I'm like dying for her to put it out in some other way because it was so helpful.

I was kind of like, I don't need this, right? I'm depressed. I don't want something that's gonna help me. That's like the last thing I need. And it was during my quiet time. That's such a funny sentence. The last thing I need is something that's going to help me when I'm depressed. Well, if you're someone who suffers with depression.

No, I get it. I get that. You don't want cheerful. Just give me time. The block does not seem like it's going to do anything. Making your bed doesn't seem like taking a shower. It all seems like just shut up and let me just die in here. It was about how we are constantly suffering grief in our lives, whether it's the end of a relationship, whether it's a job that you thought you were going to get and even imagined having that job and you didn't get that job, a job that ended that you did have.

We're constantly having these mini deaths, and we don't have any kind of mourning period and in fact we don't really even have a mourning period for actual deaths like we have a funeral and we have a wake and then it's done and a lot of times it's like back to work back to normal and you know they this psychiatrist in her piece says that the in Judaism it's like the only culture that actually you know the only modern culture that we actually talk about and you know there's

probably other tribes that do longer morning processes processes I don't know but you guys do Shiva and I didn't know this there is like a song that is played maybe on friday in church whatever it is that is so um joyous that people that are in mourning are kept outside of the temple so that because it seems it's too happy for them because they're

still in mourning so for a month after their loved one passes they wait outside the temple and then people come out to go get them because they're being respectful of like we don't expect you to get on board we like and i love that i love that like you're able to well you got to give it time to process and no one's forcing you like come on sing happy birthday it's like no i don't want to because that's actually not honoring my sadness like like and i think that yeah i listened at sam harris where he was talking about like how long should you mourn like you could mourn too long right like you could allow it to completely take over you is that the one you were like it was like a month ago illness thing but it was just about

how we don't acknowledge like when we're all sometimes you know even me i'm like i'm away a week away from my period it's like or maybe i'm mourning the loss of a life that i just had where i had some time off and now i'm getting back to work and i'm literally as dumb as that sounds suffering a little mini death of like this life that was pretty fucking good and allowed me to breathe for once in my life. And I'm mourning that maybe I'm mourning the, like I'm moving to LA for a little bit. So I'm like,

Oh, morning leaving St. Louis. I'm, you know, my dog doesn't really like being around me anymore. I tried to take him home the other day and he like looked at my parents' house.

Like I want to go back. And I was just like, go back then. And I just opened the car door and he went sprinting back. Like all these little things that I think, you know, maybe that's it. So it's just, I think it's interesting to pay attention to things in your life as like little deaths. I think it's hard when you go, when someone goes, well, you know, with every end there's a new beginning. But that new beginning is not going to compete with being an nfl quarterback

i don't care what you say you know what i mean like i think a lot of time maybe it will hell maybe it will and people say you but die peacefully in your sleep like people that have witnessed death it's like you're like gagging on blood and you die like it's not fun well do you think if you ask seinfeld you go does comedian cars getting coffee it's fun to fill you as seinfeld does it fulfill you as much maybe i bet it does i think he seems funny but he meditates a lot still yeah but he does curb yeah no that's what i'm saying like he was able to fill it with that i mean i you know who knows you know so the answers all they all exist in another podcast because we got to go on this one Thank you guys so much for listening But it's my birthday in six months

Is it really? Yeah it's probably six months exactly No one's counting except you I am every day You're 42 and a half today Is that right? It's just a number that's big Who's counting?

I'm going to die soon Nuclear Thank you for listening Don't be cut and Jack That's big. Who's counting? I am. I'm going to die soon. Nuclear. Nuclear. Thank you for listening. Don't be cut. And Jackson. Jackson.

Jackson. Andrew. Brown. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app,

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