The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #28 Start in Cincinnati and End in Cincinnati

Episode Date: May 7, 2021

Between You and Nikki, she is balancing the right amount of care about her work. In How'd You Sleep? Andrew confesses that he cared very much about the new listener voicemails and sobbed before bed, Nikki also reminds him of how he randomly cut her dad off in the middle of a story that for once was not about his famous daughter. You Heard it Hear first - Nikki and Andrew put their own spin on a new dating term, an artist's rendering of Andrew's ehhhm "thumb", a one night stand that turned to marriage and Andrew's Weekly Sport's moment is a to be continued... They listen to some great voicemails and in the Final Thought, dating app blahs and a sick mirror story. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

John Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

I'm Emi Olea, host of the podcast Crumbs. For years, I had to rely on other people to tell me my story. And what I heard wasn't good. You really f***ed last night. It felt like I lived most of my life in a blackout. I was trapped in addiction. You had to grab the lamp and smash it against the walls. And then I decided I wanted to tell my own story. Listen to Crumbs on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you

get your podcasts. Hey, you guys, I'm Catherine Legg. I'm a racing driver who's literally driven everything with four wheels across the planet. And I've got a new podcast. It's called Throttle Therapy. This season, I'm competing in some of the world's most notorious racing events. Tune into my new podcast, Throttle Therapy, with Catherine Legg, an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. You can find us on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Elf Beauty, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. I'm Dr. Laurie Santos, and to welcome the new year, my podcast, The Happiness Lab, is releasing a series of happiness how-to guides to help you in 2025. I'll distill the wisdom of world-class experts

into easy-to-digest, actionable tips. Struggling with tough emotions? We have a how-to guide. Worried that you're not enough? We got you. Self-obsessed and want to get over yourself? There's a guide for that too. The Happiness Lab's how-to season starts January 1st. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. You don't need another podcast. You've got too many already. But if you're looking for one that actually changes something, a way to take control of the chaos and find meaning,

well, then maybe the one you feed is for you. I'm Eric Zimmer, and I bring real conversations with real people to help you feed the best part of yourself. No hype, no fluff, just wisdom that works. Listen to The One You Feed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Nikki.

Hey, guys. Oh, rounding out the week. It's Thursday. I'm in my kitchen. Noah's here. Hey, Noah. Hey, how's it Thursday already? I mean, it's early. I'm not my kitchen Noah's here Hey Noah Hey how's it Thursday already? I mean it's early I'm not gonna lie

This is the earliest we've done this show in a while It ever I have a long day ahead of me I have a COVID test in I mean I have a COVID test When we're supposed to be doing this show So I'm gonna be late to it Because everything

This is how I prepare my life It's like one thing just leads into the next and um and then uh just watch andrew walk through the room he's supposed to give me my private time during this but why are you going in that bathroom i wonder he just went from his own bedroom to our bathroom in like our shared bathroom oh okay no he did it he said oh no i'm good thank you andrew just walked through he's going to get uh coffee for himself we were just talking noah and i before the show started that we got so many um voice messages from people thank you so much for i just appreciate everyone, um, like writing back and enjoying the show and telling us, uh,

that you listened to silver Springs or that you left a voicemail or I don't know. Just the fact that you listen means a lot to me. So thank you. What a great week of shows. I have the longest day ever. I am hosting the MTV movie and TV unscripted awards, unless in case I didn't tell you that yet,

which is, uh, it's going to be like the, uh, you know, VMAs MTV movie awards, that kind of thing. But it's,

um, it's a new one that they've made just for me. Just kidding. They didn't make it for me, but they asked me to do it. And I'm so excited because it was on my um i guess like it was on it's on my plan my uh you know for i don't really set goals for myself but i thought you know well yeah i mean to say that you want to yeah i mean it's on my like

that's those these are the steps that i see for myself. Like I see hosting SNL next year. And then I don't really care though. You know what? I gotta be honest with you guys. I don't, I'm done trying to be something that has already been like, I'm done. I don't want to like, I got to copy this person's career because they did this in this order. But this is of the trajectory you go when you start um becoming more well known as you do the mtv award like sarah silverman amy schumer they've all done the same gone through the same thing you have tiffany haddish you host the like any comedian aziz you start out with the mtv awards If you watch these things, I've been paying attention my whole life. This is kind of how it goes.

Yeah, a lot of work is coming up. And this is weird though, because like I am trying to, I am, I don't know if I'm just like lazier. This is my fear of being lazy. Or I just am so, I just don't, I don't have any pressure. People are like, wow, that's a lot of pressure, pressure, pressure so um I just don't I don't have any pressure people are like wow that's a lot of pressure pressure pressure and I just don't feel it I just don't it's not that I

don't care but I just I really don't care because I'm gonna try my best and um and it's it's we're taping it on Thursday so a week from today I have a week like, I haven't even like really dug into the script or thought of jokes yet. Like I'm going to do most of my work in the days leading up. Like I'm finishing a term paper the night before. And I don't know if that's, I mean, I have a writing staff, so I'm, I feel okay. But like for me, I'm such a control freak that when I'm doing a roast, I, you know, which this is as big of a platform as a roast, maybe not. Well, yeah, it's big. But when I'm gearing up for a roast, I am obsessive and I overprepare and the whole time I'm stressed out. And I don't know if I would not approach a roast

that way now because I'm a different person after COVID and working on myself and liking myself more and just knowing that I can't control what people think about me. So it's not, there's no point in trying to be the best because even when you're the best, people hate you. And even when you've tried your hardest, like, you know, I don't know. I don't know if it's that, but I'm feeling a little tinge of guilt for how I keep pushing writers meetings because I'm like, we have enough material. I feel good. We have a week. I don't need to be on a Zoom call and just tell you guys these jokes are funny. I haven't had time to write any, so I feel like I'm not contributing enough. I just feel backed up. No, I feel like I can't give anyone in my life enough. There's just too many

things. I want to go back to you saying how you feel like maybe your work is kind of effortless. I was just having a conversation yesterday about metal bands that I know. And ones that are successful are the ones that kind of like are just doing it and it comes naturally and they don't care too much about getting anywhere you know and then the ones who like really try so hard and are kind of kid about it are the ones that never succeed no matter how hard no matter how many people they know how many contacts who they're working with it just never works out for them and I think that in order to put art out there and truly connect with people, you have to have that kind of like not caring about it feeling.

Yes, I agree with you. You have to. Well, but then there's I do agree that people like you more when they don't see so much effort or when they really know that you're comfortable with yourself and you're not trying to. Because this is all about love. Like we all just want to be loved and admired, like especially people who are hungry for fame. We just want people to like us. And what's more detestable than wanting someone to like you? There's nothing more. Like kicking puppies.

Like it's disgusting when someone's. That's what is based on the concept of k is that you were trying to get people to think you're cool because you are so insecure that you're not that you need to do this thing that you wouldn't do unless people's eyes were on you if you're just joining the show k is a term that we've coined, I coined in high school with my friends, to describe when people try to be cool for others around them to see. And it's definitely dependent on others seeing it, like peeling out in a parking lot, revving your engine, blasting music really loud that you think people will be like, oh my God, he listens to this he's cool and by the way everyone can be everyone um sunglasses are cool a lot of times fashions just anything that you're doing that's

like you just want to go look at that guy he thinks he's so good so i'm like trying this kit like everyone who tries is like but but then everyone says you have to like then you look at people who are extremely successful like there's this book called the talent code and it's about how talent is not real and that any and it's this is my theory ever since i read this book i've known that like i'm not i am born with a certain level of like you know predisposition for comedy and stuff like my brain if i was raised by another family i might have had, predisposition for comedy and stuff like my brain. If I was raised by another family, I might have had a predisposition for comedy based on the way my brain is. If I was adopted, had all my genetics, but nerd, like I just got someone the other day was like, wow,

people, you have achieved more than like, you know, 99 point. He said 98, 95% of people set out to do what you do and they don't achieve it and I go honestly, I think it's probably like 99.99999 Like, you know people that want to be famous, you know and like give it their best It's the odds are against you. However, that's not because i'm extraordinary I mean, I am extraordinary in the sense that like it's out of the ordinary, but it doesn't mean that I'm'm not special because I didn't choose to be born with a brain that's good at being obsessed with doing comedy

and obsessed with working hard. I didn't choose to be born with parents that made me feel just loved enough that I felt I was special, but just unloved enough that I needed to get attention from strangers. I didn't choose to be born with a brain that my parents' love wasn't enough because my sister's brain, it was enough for her to not seek strangers. I didn't choose to be born with a brain that my parents love wasn't enough because my sister's

brain, it was enough for her to not seek strangers. For me, I required more. And I also didn't choose to be born with you know, none of this is my choice. And people go, but you worked hard. I didn't choose to be born as someone who could work hard.

There's no free will. I didn't choose any of it. It's all based on how your brain was born and how you were raised. So I'm lucky is the bottom line. I'm lucky to be here with you. I'm lucky to have this show. I'm lucky to have your listenership. I'm lucky to have Andrew who already returned and who I have to say cried last night because of your voice messages he we had said good night i went to my bedroom i am like he didn't know what i could have been doing in there i could have been full full sash you know what i'm saying and he goes nikki and it's across my apartment to go to my like he's not in my neck of the woods once we say good night like i can be

pretty loud in there and he won't hear any of my howling and he he goes nikki and i'm like what is he doing outside my door we just said good night at half hour ago he's like you gotta hear this and i was thinking it was something like going on with my love like some like update of like someone died or i love that it's someone died or there's like a rumor about like my crush or something or my crush reached out to him and was like i need to talk to like that's my first thought was like a boy likes me and so andrew's like nikki you gotta hear this and i'm like what and he's like these voicemails and i'm like what and he's like andrew has a way of just talking about something that he knows he's been talking about it like he's in his own mind and then he thinks you've been in his mind with him. So he's like, you got to hear this.

The voice, the voice memos. We weren't even talking about fan voice memos. Like this was totally out of context. And I go, I don't know what you're saying. He's like, our fans, they left us some voice memos. You got to hear this. I'm crying, man. And I go, really?

Is that funny? And he's like, no, it's like, it's so nice. And I was like like I can't handle an emotional cry right now and when people tell me how much the show means to them and how much things I've done have meant to them it gets me but I don't like to go to bed feeling like I'm it doesn't when you tell me how much the show means to you I'm so happy that you feel happy but I'm not like I don't feel better about myself because I brought that on. It's not going to make me sleep better. I'm so happy that I want others to be happy, but I don't ever go, I'm the source of all of this,

and I'm amazing. Whereas I think Andrew gets a lot of self-esteem from these voice memos. And I want to tell you that they mean to me, like, I want everyone to be happy. And I love hearing people happy and it touches me and I feel things emotionally, but it's not a boost to my ego. Um, and that's not because I'm better or worse. I honestly wish it were more of a boost to my ego. I could use a little shot in the arm today. All right, let's get into the news and more with Andrew. Here he comes. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more.

Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Good people. What's up? It's Questo, Questlove. And Team Supreme and I have been working hard to bring you some incredible episodes of Questlove Supreme with guests you definitely don't want to miss. Now, one of the things I love about this Questlove Supreme podcast is we got something for everybody, every type of musical ever. We enjoy speaking to the people who are the face of some movements

and some people you've seen on stage or TV or magazine covers, Everybody, every type of musical ever. We enjoy speaking to the people who are the face of some movements, some people you've seen on stage or TV or magazine covers, but we also love speaking to the folks who are making it happen behind the scenes and pave the way for those that followed. You know, keystones to the culture. This season, we've had some amazing one-on-one conversations, like I'm Pete Bill chatting up with hit maker Sam Holland, sugar Steve chatting with the maker, Sam Holland, sugar, Steve chatting with the legend,

Nick Lowe. And I've had pleasures of doing one-on-one conversations with Willow, Sonata, Matreya, Kathleen, Hannah, and the RZA. These are conversations you won't hear anywhere else.

So make sure you go back and you check those episodes out. All right. Listen to quest love Supreme on the I heart radio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, Minnie Questions. Over the years, we've had some incredible guests. People like Courtney Cox, star of the infinitely beloved sitcom Friends, EGOT winner Viola Davis, and former Prime Minister of the UK, Tony Blair. And now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Each episode is a new person's story with new lessons, new memories,

and new connections to show us how we're both similar and unique. Listen to Mini Questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. We want to speak out, we want to raise awareness, and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, and I'm an investigative journalist. When a group of models from the UK wanted my help, I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a playboy model.

Lingerie, topless. I said, yes, please. Because at the centre of this murky world is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his pattern of behavior. He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it. He's everywhere and has been everywhere. It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated. Together, we're going to expose him and the rotten industry he works in. It's not just me. We're an army in comparison to him.

Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts i started to live a double life when i was a teenager responsible and driven and wild and out of control my head is pounding i'm confused i don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened, and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls, and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community

and I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps. Listen to CRIMS as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network. Available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Good morning, Andrew. Good morning, Nick. How'd you sleep last night?

I slept good. Third time's the charm. Let them know. Let them know. Let them know. We tried to do this twice before for about two and a half minutes. Yeah, that's true. It didn't work out. But now we're back.

As you know. You went to bed last night. You came to my room to tell me to listen to a voicemail. Yeah. So we got these new things to speak pipe where people go. What is the website? No, you just go to our instagram the link is in the bio of our instagram nikki glazer pod and you can leave us a voice memo

that andrew will listen to and i just i it's not that i i will listen to the ones that people tell me can we play it can you listen to it yes before you judge it yeah i can listen to it okay no andrew it's part of listener mail oh it's part of listener mail we're getting to it later today are you gonna play this one now? Wait, we have to have this discussion offline. This is a disaster. I mean... Things are falling apart.

You're going to have to send Noah what you want to talk about with listener mail. Yeah, I know. It's a very early pod. I would have done it if it was at 8.15. We can talk about the voice memo, though. What did this voice memo specifically... So I was expecting it. This is the thing.

I was expecting to listen to these voice memos where, like, I take shits outside or, you know, just a bunch of silly or maybe a crazy person that wants to suck your feet. Like, that's what I thought I was getting. I thought I was getting silly. That'll make me cry. Make him cry. Well, yeah. I thought I was getting silly. That'll make me cry. Make him cry. Well, yeah, I thought it would be, yeah, just people telling funny stories, but it's people being sincere.

Oh, my God. This girl was so sincere about having suicidal thoughts. Yeah. And because I'm so funny, it changed her life, and I'm the best. No, no. Obviously, she was having suicidal thoughts. It was amplifying during COVID, during the pandemic. And our podcast is like therapy to her.

And the fact that we can talk about it so openly and even joke about it has allowed her to become more comfortable with where she's at. And her tone and her voice was just so sincere. You just don't get it. And I think when you're just talking to a recorder where you don't really know people might be talking, I don't know. It was just so sincere you just don't get it and i think when you're just talking to a recorder where you don't really know people might be talking i don't know it was just so beautiful and i'm literally like sobbing last night sobbing sobbing it might have been about you know my mom on the beach but oh no that's a sob like a sob when people go up sobbing you need to at least make this sound once i might have done that you need to at least make this sound once. I might have done that. You need to do that.

I can't even do it right now because my throat hurts. I used to do that with my parents' divorce. One more day we were going through a divorce. I would look in the mirror and I'd go, why are they doing this, God? And I would like force out the cry. cry like this is what my body should be doing while staring at myself in the mirror that's why i can't cry a lot of times is because i just know that it looks so like i know that i look cute and like sad and then i know that people

because crying like elicits sympathy in others and it can be manipulative obviously there are guys that are like i can't take a girl crying i'll give you whatever i want you want like crying for me because it's such a manipulative tool or can be used that way or i used it as a kid to like get things that i wanted that then would be and then i realized it doesn't get you anything because my parents would be like what are you throwing yourself on the floor for you're ridiculous what just ignore her ej we're not dealing with this so then i learned that crying gets you nothing so i just don't cry because it's just like it feels first of all like i'm being

fake and i'm using it as a tool even when it it's real. And then when I'm by myself, oh my God, it feels really ridiculous to cry. I have to get permission to cry. I text my friends because I just went through a breakup and, or a heartbreak, I should say. And you were never mine, never mine. You can't be going through a breakup if they were never yours. But so when i loved uh it ended and i was so sad about it and wanted to cry but because it was never a real thing i never i didn't feel like i had a right to cry like i didn't know this person that long i didn't all these things and i wrote my friend robin one night when i was in bed because i was trying to cry about it around you and you were kind of like just like like, it's, it's gonna be fine, it's gonna be okay, and I just didn't, I didn't want

to hear it's gonna be okay, because sometimes when you cry, you just want to hear, like, it's the way you're feeling right now, let's just say in the present, and I don't want to hear it's gonna be okay, because that means we're not gonna get back together, or like, I'm gonna eventually get over this, and I don't want to hear, like, when you're going through a breakup, you don't want to hear, you'll, you'll, this won't last, like when you're going through a breakup, you don't want to hear, this won't last, you'll get over him or whatever. You're like, no, I want only to hear that he'll come back to me. Or I just want to hear that I can cry right now.

So I text, I remember I texted, I've done this a couple of times now. I went up in my bedroom. Noah, you helped me cry one time, but this was another time when i had already used you that day and you set my noah lets me cry points and then i went upstairs to our bedroom or to my bedroom and it came in and i texted robin and she was busy with something and i was like i just really need to cry and she was like then do it and i was like do i have permission to cry of this like is this

a thing that you you you think like if you were in the same circumstance, you would probably sob about this? And she was like, oh, absolutely. You totally can cry. And then for whatever reason, getting that text, I was just like, ah! And she was like, do I need to call you? And I go, no, I just needed permission.

And then I've done it to Anya since when I can cry now alone, if I text my friends and they say, yes, I would be crying over this, you're not crazy to cry over this because I feel stupid when I cry. So you need permission from friends. And to come. Literally, I need someone to tell me I can come and cry. So this is why you have 15 best friends.

You call eight to cry, seven to come. I get it. And that's all within an hour. No, I get that a million percent. Like, dude, I feel so ridiculous when I'm crying. Even last night when I cried. I don't cry. And I never really cried as a kid for things.

Like, I want that toy because my brother has that toy. I don't remember ever doing that i really don't you must have learned like i'd be afraid of it work yeah i probably realized it didn't work i remember one time i asked for cleats but i was already like 13 or 14 for my dad and he goes i pay child support to your mom why she could that's money should go to your cleats and i go it could have probably been easier if you just gave me 40 bucks for cleats. And the next thing I know, I'm using hand-me-downs. My dad's a doctor.

I'm using hand-me-downs from my friend. I mean, it's just wild. That I know that. That, yes. A kid should not know about child support payments and alimony and stuff like that, especially if they're not getting paid by their mom. I mean, hook me up, mom.

I mean, he's right, though. Why didn't you ask your mom for cleats? I was probably afraid, or she probably said she had no money, even though she was going on trips to India. I don't know. Things were weird. Oh, shit.

Oh, man. Yeah, crying is a weird one. So last night, how did it... You came to me because you wanted to share the cries, and I shut you down down through my door i'm like good night i can't i don't want to go to bed i don't want to listen to a voicemail about a girl's suicidal thoughts even though listen i get those all the time and like thank you i am gonna listen to your voice memo and or your voice message and um and i am not dismissing it at all like uh i'm so glad that we give you permission to feel the way you're feeling

because no one can help their feelings. Like that's, I love it. I'm not dismissing the suicidal thought girl, but Andrew, your emotions definitely dismissed. No, I'm not dismissing them at all.

I just didn't want, I didn't want, like, I didn't feel like I needed to nurture you. Like you weren't going through pain. You were just like, like you could do that on your own. And I was like already, like I was getting ready. I don't want like I didn't feel like I needed to nurture you like you weren't going through pain. You were just like like you could do that on your own. And I was like already like I was getting I don't know why I just couldn't. Yeah, I was in a weird.

You were you had a lot of moments. Remember last night when you interrupted my dad in the middle of the story? I was so sorry. My parents came over last night and said to my my parents my sister my brother-in-law and their two kids all came over for uh dinner and then we watched the reality show that we shot um i shot a pilot for a reality show a couple months ago or before cayman islands and then um here in st louis and we all watched the screening of it it was so good by the way i think it did a great job i think it's gonna happen but um but we all watched but beforehand we were all like talking like around my kitchen island and

wait can you set it up though that you know you asked a question oh yeah i asked andrew a question for a joke i'm like hey i need like a punchline for this bit for the thing i'm shooting tomorrow and that was like 10 minutes before and then we had moved on to so many different subjects and then my dad is in the middle of like a story and my dad gets interrupted all the time because he lives with people who are all like me and women and so he and my dad tells long stories my dad my dad's stories are they're a lot they have paragraphs they are they all start in cincinnati and they all end in cincinnati they're all my dad has so many stories and we've heard most of them but this was one i hadn't heard and i was actually like present and listening to it and enjoying it and then my dad was like in the

middle of like a sentence and andrew just blurts out what did you blurt out why not the girl from theranos oh yeah like why not the girl what about elizabeth holmes like totally i mean this was a 10 minute ago thing that i had asked him and it was it was so funny because we all stopped and i was just like you were staring at me i was like wow okay don't judge the joke like i thought you were judging my my joke my dad's in the middle of a story i was trying to be very nice about it because i understand What your brain was doing and I understand My dad can be such a jerk about being Interrupted so I was trying to like keep

The tension down but it was wild The fact that you just like were in your Own world so much Can we talk though his story was about selling An awning and then he told the Story and no one was that impressed with the Story like he should have been okay With being interrupted for that thing But he was in the middle but his stories are all the story about

the selling an awning it's always about people who are fans of mine like how they at first they're like i don't want to buy this awning and then my dad will go like oh you have a tv i see my dad sells awnings door to door my dad will shoehorn that his daughter is on tv in any way he's like oh my god well i see you got a doorknob you know sometimes my daughter touches those my daughter's nikki like he'll literally go like he do you it's on his business card i think nikki glazer's dad slash awning man i want to get him a t-shirt that says my daughter is famous ask me about it because it and then it should say my daughter as a st louis and a local st louis and you probably don't know say my daughter as a St. Louisan, a local St. Louisan, you probably

don't know who my daughter is because most people don't here in this town. But my dad gets pissed when people don't know who I am. He loves it when people do. And he will tell everyone about me. And you know, that's very sweet. And he should be proud of me. But his anger when people don't understand that I'm famous or they don't care and they're not like, they don't go, oh my God, she's like, my family has always had a real big issue with friends and family not being impressed by things.

Like they want everyone to go like, that's so cool. And if they don't, I just go, okay, cut those people out of your life. You depend on friends and family being enthusiastic about the achievements of your children. And when they're not, instead of bitching about those people constantly, get them out of your life and just know that you need friends to do that so that you're not disappointed chronically.

Does that make sense? It makes a ton of sense. It just, you know, he's proud of you at the end of the day. And the back of the shirt should be like, oh, I also have another daughter who's a teacher who really cares about her children and an amazing mom yeah it's a great balance i have like the longest t-shirt yes and he always wears a backpack because i that has uh my daughter like has one of my shows and with pins of your face yeah oh man here we go news time you heard it here first

last day before the weekend i know everyone's real excited the covid vaccines are out there so everyone's gonna probably get their things wet out there it's gonna be pretty great uh i hope you're having all the funds and all the swells Are their things wet? Yeah, genitals Oh, got it Because that's what's happening What happened there? My stomach On your, no, your

Oh Your stomach, I put it on your knuckle Your knuckle, did you punch something? I've been working out, I do push-ups on my knuckles And then I did boxing and then my Your knuckle is gone Same with this one why oh it looks like you picked a ward off that looks like a clean pick i wish there i wish

that's the kind of like we'll put it up poop knucks we'll put it up on uh the stories and i'll show you i mean no one needs to see that he just has knuckle he has like knuckle burns did that hurt when it happened no it hurts after when I ripped his skin off and ate it. Yeah. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Gross. Did we just jinx a yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum? Yeah, jinx.

Buy me a Coke. Buy me a... Is that what you would do? Buy a Coke? Jinx, buy me a Coke. I thought jinx... I can't get out of jinx until Noah says my name. What?

Why Noah? So there's always another person? Or me, Andrew? Wait, four times? Andrew, Andrew, Andrew, Andrew? Full name. Andrew Collin? Andrew Todd Collin?

First story, here we go. Seagull-ing is a new term. Seagull-ing? To describe dating trend where you don't want to be with the person. Where you talk to Jason Seagull and then he kind of drops off? Sounds personal.

I got seagulled. no we seagulled each other go on i heard i heard that crying no you didn't you didn't cry you didn't cry you didn't cry. You didn't cry. You didn't cry. You didn't cry. You didn't cry. Loud. No, no. There's no story there. All right. So seagulling is a new term. It really does sound like whatever happened between you and Jason Seagull is seagulling. Did I get seagulled by seagull? I want to read.

I'm going to seagulling it. You got bones. No, I didn't. Bobby Bones. You got bone. No, I didn't. Bobby bones. Oh, no, no, we don't. We don't say his name. Well, now you did. We're out of the bag.

I want to be. So it's when you don't want to be with a person, but you also don't want them to be with anyone else. OK. The only reason you're with them. Seagulls do that. I guess. I don't know why it's called seagull. They got they could deep throat big things.

Seagulls are amazing. And I love those birds. I think they're so cute. But I don't get why seagulls. So I guess seagulls are like if you are eating something and they want it and then you go, I don't want it. They sweet. No, if they don't want it and you take the crumb. Let's say you throw some bread to a seagull and then it picks at it and it goes, don't like it oh there's an amazing tiktok of a seagull being fed i showed you that

one right god i wish remember when he's feeding the seagull that guy through the window there's a tiktok series oh yeah yeah day three of feeding my pet seagull and the seagull is through the window and it keeps going like give me some food bitch and the guy is feeding it and it's like i will kill you someday and this bird just has this like voice of a woman that's gonna murder him but okay so if you feed a seagull it doesn't want it and then you go fine i'm taking that piece of bread back the seagull will be like no i want it you can't have it and it just throws it and it still won't eat it it like just like takes it back and it like throws it in the sand so you can't have it or it produces a new movie um okay let's jason siegel callbacks every damn tongue in cheeks okay so but why do humans so if you're afraid of if you don't love someone but you don't want them to be with anyone

else you're probably afraid of being alone one right well i think it's just a matter of yeah i mean this is a deep deep insecurity you know we're talking the the attachment book attached like that's that's uh insecure avoidance attached anxious okay anxious anxious attached yes okay so i mean this is a very common feeling i feel like i feel this with like until i recently fell in love i didn't want to be with my ex-boyfriend because he doesn't want to be with me mainly but like i mean you don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you either but like that happens a lot what do you mean being with someone that wanting to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you? Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, I understand that. Like you want them to want to be with you more than like. So I understand that. Like, but if someone doesn't want to be with you, you don't want to be with someone who doesn't like you. You just want them to change and want to be with you. So it's not like you really want them to be with you. Yeah. Does that make sense?

That does make sense. But this person doesn't want to be with the person but stays with them. Even though that person wants to be with them. That's what seagulling is. Wait, seagulling is staying with a person? Yeah. Just to keep them away from other people? So let's say I don't like you but I'm with you.

You like me a lot. I decide to stay with you just because I don't want you to be with anyone else. Not because I like you. You stay with me. Okay. Yeah, I mean, I think most people are in that relationship. Like so many people in marriages. I mean, sometimes even the way the people closest in my life in relationships talk to each other horrifies me.

And I go, you guys don't like each other. You're abusive to each other in the way you talk to each other there is resentment with every word you say to one another every eye roll eye rolling is hatred like it's dismissive it's hatred and if someone's doing it to you get the fuck out of the relationship or fix it because that person does not like you deep down and they're going to take it out on you and so i think that most relationships are this yeah and it's so selfish to not let that person go i mean because most because you're afraid of being alone in relationships long term really resent the other person but they're too scared to be alone themselves or

they're too scared for that person to find better than them because it would then reaffirm that the person themselves is not the best which or that's mean, this gets back all to like the idea that like, if I was with a guy and he cheated on me or wanted to cheat on me, go, I don't want to keep you. You don't like me. Why do people want to be with someone who doesn't like them? But so many times too, like people will go, well, I never liked them. I don't want to be with someone else.

And then you let them go be with someone else. And then you then you go oh but i liked him now because now they have value because they're i see someone that's an insecure person that happens all the time i mean i would say there i would say there's point zero zero one percent of people actually not that much but i think it's like two percent of people actually like themselves enough that if someone didn't like them they would go okay bye because it's so we're all our culture breeds us to be so insecure and have such low self-esteem and be so dependent on relationships to feel like complete that so many people stay in things my sister last night even said we were talking about um the characters on summer house and she goes i don't think these the so-and-so are gonna last and i go still

successful though even if like i still think their relationship is great even if they break up and she's like and i go and by the way most couples don't last so it's not like is every couple unless you die going i love you c, in a nursing home holding hands, is every relationship a failure? Like people that have been, are in two-year relationships, I want to be married for two years. I have been very clear about that. I want to, this past relationship I was in, I was like, I would like to marry you for

two years. I don't mind getting divorced. I'm going to have a prenup. I'm going to make it so it is very easy. And I know that people are like, yeah, right, Nikki. It's not as easy as you think. So maybe I won't get married. But a two-year relationship is what I'm looking for. I don't think that I have...

Relationships for them to be successful do not need to be forever. Let someone go once you have outgrown each other. It's okay to... It doesn't mean you failed. You should marry an 80 year old or someone with a terminal disease so at two years ago i loved you nicky so you get the best of both

worlds like yeah that kind of dying death rattle and you're like yeah thanks and you're like fine and healthy well i realize that no one in my family will ever think whatever relationship i am in is legitimate because they all think that marriage number one is like the key to being like that means that you're the most in love and and by the way i don't need their approval for like whoever i love but i will never win in terms of like that you're in the best relationship because i will not ever be able to get a relationship as long as my sister and matt they've been together for like 15 years of this like so long oh yeah and so i'll never no matter what relationship i'm in it will never be as strong and as deep as ones that it's just to me that's bullshit i don't care how long you've been together there

are couples that have been together 50 years and they fucking hate each other and a relationship i had for a month is deeper love than you felt now it's not deeper connection of like you've been together there are couples that have been together 50 years and they fucking hate each other and a relationship i had for a month is deeper love than you felt now it's not deeper connection of like we've been through a lot but this whole debate of like well you're not married so you're not like as in love oh you don't know each other as long you haven't been in love like you and juliet is based on people who knew each other for like oh 10 days or something and they were 15 yet that's the greatest love story why do we look at that as the greatest love story yet we dismiss any teen love love is love

is love I don't know what my point is here Beatles only being together for seven years and they're the best band you know what I mean right they were only together seven years yeah isn't that crazy I think they were maybe successful for seven years because 1964 and then I think they broke up in 70. Okay, maybe you're right.

Wow. So Japanese researchers, next story. Let's get to it. Japanese researchers discovered that men with large noses tend to pack larger penises as well. I know, I heard this was all over Twitter. Scientists examined the bodies of 126 middle-aged men, deceased middle-aged men. They laid the cadavers down and extended their penises

to approximate the length when erect. Then they compared the measurement. They found that men with 2.2-inch noses clocked in at 5.3-inch penises, and men with 1.8-inch noses had penises that measured up to 4.1 inches both those penises aren't that long so i don't really under but i've always kind of thought that like if you have like your features tend your um appendages can we measure my nose right now and you could tell me how long my dick is how long do you think an iphone is um i don't know i can see your nose like the fact that you're holding an iphone up to your

nose doesn't tell me anything new like but we know the length of an iphone is six inches i know what your penis looks like based on your hands i have to tell you like i could probably if i saw your penis i would not my penis i mean i've described described my penis i know your hands a guy's hands i had a friend one time who was a uh wardrobe assistant on my show not safe and she said the way to tell a guy's penis is always just look at his hands because their penis looks the same as their hands do like a man's hands compared to like of average man's hands that's the way your penis looks your penis looks the way your hand looks compared to other men's hands, like an average hand. So your penis is a little bit stubbier.

Uh, there's a little bit, there's a stubbiness to it. It probably looks like your thumb a lot, but like thicker than your thumb, but like it has like that same coloring and probably is a little bit like, like I, I guarantee you it looks like your hand.

I know what your, I know what your penis looks like. I wish I just had a thumb for a penis. I bet I could draw it. I bet I'd know exactly. All right, let's see. Let's draw it. Flaxed what it looks like. I'll get a pen.

And it is, I think that it's not flaccid, it's flaxed. Isn't that funny that we say it? Really? Yeah. And we say culinary instead of culinary and it's supposed to be culinary that's the smallest piece of paper you don't even want me to like you just literally got a post-it note for me to draw the scale version of your penis so well that tells me a lot and it was one of those post-it notes you use to like bookmark things no go in that drawer over

here i think there's like envelopes i think it'll fit on an envelope right okay i'll draw it i did yeah you really gave up the size like a receipt a little credit card receipt it was a it was very all right so is is this erect? No, this is soft. Oh, no, no, do erect. No, no, no, soft. I mean, I can't do... This is still not... Okay. Do erect.

No, I want to do soft because I feel like that soft, it's like... I mean, who do you think I am? No, no, no, hold on. Oh. I'm just getting... Like, hold on, I'm just doing... I think it's that, that soft.

That. hold on i'm just doing i think it's that that soft that i mean the soft dick is all over the place it is yeah i would say that no it's it's probably like this it's i don't think it's that wide to be honest really because your thumb looks so wide your thumb is like a megan fox thumb if you guys don't know what that is no my penis i describe it it's like very Timothee Chalamet. It looks like Timothee Chalamet was a penis. It's like- Skinny? It's skinny. It's not that long.

Oh, I would have never thought that. So it doesn't look like your hands at all. It's very handsome, though. I got to be honest. Do you bite its nails, too? Do you chew the skin off it? Well, the de Moil did when I was born. Ew, yeah.

Rabbi jokes. No, so I, no no my penis is very handsome i have a handsome penis but it's just very proportioned but the handsome because it doesn't have any discolorations there's no discoloration there's no weirdness to it there's no like you you would enjoy i think most next story all right i'm just talking about your penis it's too early i know i brought it up i'm bringing it down all right jody turner smith 34 says relationship with husband joshua jackson 42 began when they had a one-night stand after meeting at a party. The actress told... This story, you could just go,

Joshua Jackson met his wife after a one-night stand. That would be a way to tell the story that wasn't... Jodi Turner-Smith, 34, met her husband Joshua... Nobody knows who Jodi Turner-Smith is based on names, so you could take that headline and just make it different. You know what I mean? Isn't that a way to paraphrase it you think that would be easier sure okay so but just you know you don't need i i just think they would be easier for people to understand instead of being like jody turner it's just a little bit of a so joshua

jackson pacey from dawson's creek yeah met his wife yeah so he met his wife at a party she pretended like not to see him like played a little hard to get and then she was unimpressed with his first line next you know they were banging what was his first line uh i don't say yeah okay she wasn't that impressed and then they banged after that party? I guess the story is interesting because she's admitting that they fucked on the first night. Is that why? No, the interesting thing for me was that she noticed him and she really wanted him.

And then when he paid attention to her, she ignored him and he followed her around the party. And then by the end of the night, they connected. And then they had sex the first night you do two things with celebrities you either go oh my god you're nikki glazer or you go hey i'm andrew and you're like hi i'm nikki you're like oh hi nikki like they either go insanely overboard or you go insanely well i don't think this is a celebrity thing as much as it was uh she liked him thing so if you meet a celebrity that you like and you're not trying to fuck them obviously just tell them that you like them because every celebrity wants to be liked that's why we get into it so don't

ever try to be cool like you don't know i found out people on set for the show we did in the game of islands they later texted me like so good getting to know you or like it was so good like i got a lot of texts of like goodbye texts you know and one of them was someone we want uh dave and his wife text dave texted oh yeah from the set and he goes and by the way my wife and i are huge fans and we were i was always like i was really excited to meet you i'm like you are huge you seemed like you didn't know who i was it's like that would have made me go oh that's like that's really nice that they know me it won't won't make me like you less if you're a huge fan of me and i'm i think i'm not alone here with celebrities get into this because we want people to like us so but would you be more turned off as a guy if you

met a guy in a party and it felt very fandy no i romantically i would want i would do the same thing that she did and um but that's for if i'm trying to attract a man because i want to be in feminine energy which is not trying at all and being very like coy and i would want a man to be like like can't stop looking at me like wants to know wants to really like yeah i would i would try i would do the exact same thing like when i met john mayer i was just like oh hey you know like i wasn't like i love you but if i met you know uh when you met dave matthews you did that dave matthews because i'm not trying to fuck dave matthews i'm not but you would i know but it's not like a possibility he's married with kids i mean that's not something i i would if he was like oh there's one night like uh you know like but i'm i would i want to be with dave matthews and

since i'm he's married with kids i can't and so it's just like what if he closed the door and played say goodbye to you and said look don't worry about my wife and my kids like you know i literally just got turned on even thinking about the idea of having sex with Dave Matthews to the say goodbye live at Luther College that he taped in 1996 when I was in sixth grade. You're like, we can't do this, Dave. And then he's like, but see. It's in one of the rooms at Sirius because that's where I met him. Those are such cold, bright rooms.

I don't know. It wouldn't be comfortable. And I would feel like anyone could walk in in any second it'd be that sex where his jeans would be around his like calves until you would hear the jeans going like yes yes and it would just be like a little bit sweaty and just like probably doggy style and then you'd be done you're like did i just fuck dave matthews like it wouldn't be like i would be it would be worth it it'd be kind of hot i mean it would it would just be for the story and it would be like bucket list you know like hosting the mtv movie awards we should do a bucket list

where we fuck 10 people 10 kind of occupations before we die let's we should do a list of like people celebrities we'd have sex with like like our uh our top our top one bottom one set well i told conan that him and Dave Matthews were my hall passes, even though I don't have a boyfriend or husband to have hall pass with. It was so weird.

It's so funny to tell someone that they're your hall pass. It came up naturally in conversation. We got to go get a COVID test downstairs. Let's get to the sports story. A COVID test.

All right, here we go. Hey, here we go. Here's Andrew's weekly sports moment. Ooh, here we go. Here's Andrew's weekly sports moment. Ooh, sounds more thrilled every week. All right. Drew Robinson makes San Francisco Giants AAA roster after losing his eye in a 2020 suicide attempt.

Oh, my God. So he shot himself in the face. Then he didn't call the cops until the next day. He called 911 for himself. he lost his eye and now he's playing pro baseball like i mean it's unbelievable like he shot himself right i don't know the exact story himself like suicide yeah he tried to kill himself and he shot himself and then he was he called 9-1-1 the next day what yeah for himself so he had no eye for a whole day i don't i gotta read the whole story on may 13th it comes out on espn like this it's gonna be like a 30 for 30 kind of thing so then he calls he survives loses his eye and he was a

hell of a baseball player before that right yeah and so then he comes back and now he's playing triple a baseball with one eye he's missing he's a lefty he's missing his right eye oh my god but i mean this just shows you like you know if you're in the moment like things can get better you know like don't just because it's happening right then like i mean when people survive suicide so many times right they're just so yeah they realize that okay maybe i didn't want to kill myself this was in the moment and this guy obviously made the absolute most of it yeah i mean i don't want to get into it but they often find you know people that hang themselves they find that they're like

trying to get the noose like they find them struggling with it or you know know people that hang themselves they find that they're like trying to get the noose like they find them struggling with it or you know the people that have survived jumping off the golden gate bridge have told like as soon as they stepped a foot off they were like what am i doing that might be your body's natural response to want to survive even though the fact that you're yeah so that could be that but then i have heard stories of people waking up in the ICU after an attempt. And the nurse goes, you're alive. And they go, fuck. And they go, I have to do it again.

Like, I've heard all the stories. So, if you're struggling with suicide, fucking talk to someone. Like, there's so many people you can talk to. There's helplines, all that stuff. But. And leave a voice note, because I'll cry about it. So, this guy, I, you know, I'm really happy for this guy to have gotten his life back together in a way that he can play again. I hope he's in a better place.

I hope he doesn't try it again because these things sometimes can go that way. Yeah. I mean, if he doesn't make the actual pro team, if he just stays in minor leagues. So he's playing pros. He's playing in the pro league. In AAA, which is right below. Before, I think, he was playing AAA? This is the thing.

I need to know more about the story, and I apologize. This is a failed sports moment. It just turned into Andrew's suicide news moment. I could learn more about it, and we can talk about it next. All right, here, here. Okay, this is the guy. Okay. That's him.

I could literally skim this right now and learn more. Well, I haven't seen this story yet. Okay, so yeah. In a 2020 suicide attempt. Oh, my God. It was 2020. Drew Robinson makes San Francisco Giants AAA roster. AAA is right underneath?

Yeah, it's one below. Okay. For the Sacramento Rivercats. But like you said, him losing his eye, he might have gotten even better because he worked even harder. It's like when someone, you know, they tear their ACL and they work their ass off to get back and they're actually healthier and they have a better knee after the fact yeah

i mean like it sounds like this attempt really helped him because he tried he attempted suicide on april 16 2020 which surprised his friends and family who had always seen robinson as the wisecracking good-natured life of the party, which is oftentimes what happens. Four surgeries later, they removed the bullet. They removed his eye. And he says that he's now rebuilding mentally with regular therapy, meditation, and medication. I love to hear that. Wow.

I would like to know what his history was, like how far he made it before he decided to shoot himself. I always want to know what the thing is that goes, the guy goes, I'm going to do this. Like, is it, did they get drunk and just like got some, it saw a picture of their ex on Instagram with a new boyfriend,

like these things that people finally go, I'm going to do it. It's just so motivated by this moment. It's like that song the u2 song that was written about the lead singer that committed suicide of um i forget who who you to uh bono wrote the song about it but it's stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it that's a song about his friend who committed suicide because he was just stuck in a moment that you can just just get past that moment and you won't want to do this like just hold on so um to all our listeners that have those thoughts or

anyone thinking about those things i've thought about those things before too and it's hard it's you can't help where your mind goes and sometimes but uh you can there is always someone who will talk to you about it and And, um, you like, if you're brave enough to try to take your own life, you can be brave enough before you do that to maybe have hope that someone might talk to you and make you feel differently if you wait. So let's get to listener mail. All right. This one comes in for rum,

Sarah H. Oh, it's Sarah with an H, but the last part of the it's either sarah with an h or it's sarah with an x uh capital h at the end of sarah okay so we got a oh a voice message from sarah let's listen our voice voice message hey nikki and andrew hope y'all are having all the swells i'm having all the swells on my end so I've heard a lot of discussion between you guys about how Andrew has some trouble pronouncing things and I just am here to let you know Andrew I also have a lot of issues pronouncing things too but it feels like I have a few instances that are a little bit more humiliating in my, I publicly pronounced Santa Monica.

Damn it. There I go. I've pronounced Santa Monica as Santa Monica. And I've also pronounced Yosemite as Yosemite. And if I think of any others, I'll call back. But those are my two most egregious offenses. So, all right oh that made me so swells i was santa monica i will never say the other one again santa monica

dude yosemite yasamite yasmite yasmite and dude i love thank you so much for calling in i feel less alone and uh you know it's nice to know there's others out there no sarah i need to know when you said santa monica and what and what was the circumstance and like context of like if i heard someone say santa monica i would just go wait what like i want to know what when you said it and how shocked people were and confused that's so funny like is it considered a speech impediment when you say words wrong or is everyone else wrong it's not a speech impediment i think it's just uh i think it's just a cute little thing at least when sarah does it's adorable but But remember,

remember that one time Noah, when the guy, the one of the higher ups at Comedy Central pronounced it Chipotle or Chipotle. Chipotle. Chipotle, he called it. And I go, and it's someone that he was like above me.

He was like a boss. And I go, Chipotle. I go, Chipotle. I go, I can't. I go go has no one we were at a big dinner we were at a big dinner with a bunch like it was all people that like worked

for this guy and he was very nice so i knew he could take and i go who who has let you get through life and not corrected chipotle because i know you've used that before people aren't being honest with you sir i said it's chipotle and he was a little embarrassed but i'm like this is what happens when you're a boss people let you say i'm going to the chapotle in santa monica and last summer i've been with my family and yosemite and everyone else is going i can't wait to go to chapotle too man yeah they start saying yeah i love chapotle yeah and, Chipotle's great. And then they talk about you behind your back.

I needed him to know, so he knows. So how did he react? What did you say? He was a little embarrassed, but he was laughing. I just go, this, this. And I made fun. I go, this is what happens when you're the boss. Like, you think of all the other things you're saying wrong.

I mean, I think a lot of people say Chipotle or Chipotle. Yeah, but it was Chipotle. It was something very, very wrong. Let's hear a voice memo from Liz. Hello, besties. This is Liz. I've had three recorders with this, so I just want to get to the point right now.

Get it. Love the show. Love the pod. I crave Monday through Thursdays being able to listen to you guys so thanks a lot um my question is is and you're gonna be underscore with you nikki when you start touring this fall i'm super excited and i think that'd be super fun super cool okay if he comes no it'd be really cool not good yes yes and yeah i just wanted to share that i had a little like fan moment when um andrew with the blue check mark he responded to my um insta dms and i'm totally aware that

he only did it because he was on his flight from the Cayman Island and he was super bored but I still appreciate the responses it made my night that's so nice love you besties love you Liz man these voice notes are like

yeah they're all in support of Andrew this is a little booster no I love it that's so sweet these voice notes are like, are making me start crying again. Yeah, they're all in support of Andrew. It's a little booster. No, I love it. That's so sweet. And yes, Andrew will be on tour, Liz. All my tour dates for now are, we're adding more,

but you can check out if I'm going to your city at nickiglazer.com slash tour and Andrew will be on all of those and we will be making a very pro besties show and with consideration that you know podcast listeners will be there so i'm so grateful for you all and i hope you can make it you think when we walk out people are gonna go okay yeah i mean i think i'm definitely gonna reference some things that besties will only know and the rest of people will be very confused they'll just be like what was that sound she just made i'll be like i'm afraid to do that because then people we're just gonna realize no one listens

to the podcast oh i know yeah and i'll be like no the besties are gonna come out i feel it for sure uh thank you so much for your voice moments keep leaving them for us go to our instagram page and the link in the instagram bio is going to take you to that and you can uh you can hear your own voice on our podcast thanks so much much to Liz and Sarah for those. So sweet. Let us know more words that you say wrong out there, people. Because it's the best. Andrew, final thought for the show.

What's your day looking like? I'm going to go to that workout class at 10 a.m. And then we're going to hang out with the director of your pilot that you shot for your reality show i'm going to be hanging out but i think i am yes because i am working all day and um yeah i'm just gonna go into this weekend of you know we're going to la on saturday so i'm gonna get a couple more days with my girl my lady hopefully we'll have some weird new sex while looking in the mirror what yeah she has a sick mirror and uh your boy it's the it's one of the best things that i've never yourself i don't like seeing myself but i like seeing her in the mirror

because it's almost like i'm in a porn kind of because i'm disconnected i'm seeing yeah you're seeing an image across the room as opposed to what is that well you've always kind of said that like sometimes when they're like you're having sex you can't even process that like it's happening to you and you're like out of body even though like the thing you dream about most is like happening to you so weird and then when when you see it in the mirror you're like holy shit that's me having sex with that like that person's having sex with like that i mean why i don't deserve that well have her send a voice memo and then let us know why no it's so sweet i'm happy for you what are you gonna do i mean what are your thoughts these days i mean you're back in st louis are you feeling comfortable are you feeling happy are you feeling like came in you feeling happy? Are you feeling like Cayman is,

like you spent two months in Cayman. I had spent almost three months. I mean, it was a long, and I spent two weeks alone after it. I miss that life, and I feel good being back in St. Louis, but I also feel um a little bit like frustrated with uh any romantic I really really want um a boyfriend or I want a husband at some point in my future and I'm really

I I like know exactly what I want now and so now I'm kind of like, I need to get that. My life is in order. My career is just solid. I don't really want anything more in my career. It keeps coming and I'm so grateful. But I am not driven by my career anymore. I'm driven now by intimacy and wanting to find a partner. But it's really frustrating because on the apps here in st louis there's just not there's slim pickings and i'm frustrated by raya which is the other dating app for la i'm

frustrated by my instagram because no one's really sliding in like i don't know i i'm excited to go to la and like work on a new set on this mtv thing and like meet new people and like trying to find the the right one but it's not it's not so much trying like i just have to be open to it which i really am now like the other day you showed me a picture of a guy that you were like gonna set they were like hey my friend lives in la and i wasn't attracted to him based on the pictures like he wasn't my type even though he's an attractive guy and what did i say to you no i you said i was that you would give it a chance even though the initial attraction might not be there yeah that's what i've learned is that i don't know anything

i literally anyone that i've swiped left on on apps i could fall deeply in love with because i know now that it's not about like the way you look on an app like that is looks are obviously something it looks in person means so much more than an app but no one on an app represents themselves the way that they are no one i guess what you do know about the guy is that he was best friends with me yes like i vouch for him he's also vouched for people that have been engaged when you vouch for them like i don't really trust your judgment with men yeah that was one time right they were in an open relationship at the time yeah he's like you should take this guy and the next day he literally announced his engagement i was like i was scoping this guy yesterday being like i could date this guy then because you don't think

then you go i don't trust you with that that was one time yeah one time that you recommended an engaged friend for me to date you've been you've you've entertained a couple guys and then i just i don't think you and i have the same type and guys for me or have the same i think i might have better guys for you than you do for yourself possibly i mean that generally happens but for people who like yeah you but i mean yeah i'm you know what happened we became friends too late if we were friends at like 23 but i wouldn't have been ready for a relationship i'm not i wasn't really ready for one six months ago i'm just saying i had way more available like really hot really hot, successful friends for you. Yeah. But maybe when they get divorced, if you're listening, guys, get divorced to get with

Nikki. I can't wait for this new batch to come up. I'm 36, so people are getting divorced, which doesn't mean that their relationship with their ex-wife was unsuccessful or not as good. Like, if you get divorced, it didn't mean you failed. I'll say that again. If you break up or get divorced divorced your relationship is not a failure not everything has to last until you're like i love you beatrice and i'm going to say goodbye to you through this window at a nursing home

because of covid like those are always the relationships we celebrate it's like what if they fucking hated each other for 45 years like we always just guy with two kids or like with a kid yeah oh my god i'd be all over it because i don't really want kids of my own but step kids i could totally like if he's like you know the type of dad that doesn't really want to see his kids that much then that's even better yes stealing you away from your old family that's the laser way um all right guys thank you so much for listening that was our week of a show uh we will be back stealing you away from your old family. That's the Glazer way. All right, guys. Thank you so much for listening. That was our week of a show.

We will be back next week. You know we will. We'll be in Los Angeles. Right next to Santa Monica. Yeah, Santa Monica. And make sure you get tickets to my tour, nickiglazer.com slash tour to check out my tour dates

and to get tickets. Pre-sale code is one night. All one word. Thank you for listening. We'll see you on Monday. Squirt. Oh, wait.

Oh, Jack. I almost said squirt, squirt, jackpot. Whoa. Should we give him one? We could give him one.

Maybe on the weekend. Hey, Jackpot. Cool. John Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors.

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