The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #280 Nightmares That Make Sense

Episode Date: October 14, 2022

Nikki shares some new words she has learned, Andrew shares that he didn't like reading in front of the class. On the topic of performance anxiety, Nikki didn't really have any when she played a part in Comedy Central's Cursed Friends. Andrew looks back at his trip to Germany and shares a story about his friend hooking up on the Eurail. Nikki encourages people with good poop stories to share them. You Heard It Here First: Nikki's poopy artwork, seeing faces in things, women who need help and cancel culture can't take down SNL. In the Fanthrax segment a Bestie shares what she enjoys about reality TV and a Bestie learned something about yelling at a sporting event.  ------ Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Get Pod Merch: Podshop.NikkiGlaser.com Nikki's Tour Dates: www.nikkiglaser.com/tour Andrew's Tour Dates: www.andrewcollincomedy.com   More Nikki: IG More Andrew: IG  More producer Noa: IG  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. Welcome to the show. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. It's Thursday. That means we have Fanthrax, which is our listener voicemails that we'll get to later

in the show. I'm excited about that. Noah says there's some good ones. Top of the morning to you, Andrew. I like the foreshadowing. Really? I usually do that. It's like if you stick around, around minute 42, you might get what you want.

You're like, I like that thing you do that most shows do. you stick around around minute 42 you might get what you're like i like that thing you do that most shows do literally every other show on tv and every podcast does except ours foreshadowing is not like um i'm exactly telling you what's going to happen it's usually it's like maybe later we will hear from someone that's more foreshadowing. But is there like a dark connotation to it? Oh, maybe. Why don't you give it a little looksy-upsy? Yeah, we need to know.

Maybe it's blended with predicting something with asparagus. Ham drip. Ham dripsies. Yeah. I guess I don't know what that's called when you're... It's a warning or indication of a future event. Ham drip. Yeah. I guess I don't know what that's called when you're. It's a warning or indication of a future event. Indication.

Yeah. Okay. So it doesn't mean it's ominous. You want to hear some new words that I've learned from both reading a book and from Sam Harris? Let's hear it. One of my favorites. I would love to. Obstreperous. Obstreperous. O-B-S-T-e-p-e-r-o-u-s obstreperous obstreperous um that's something to do with your uh you can't speak or you speak too much

like like something that gets in your way no it's noisy and difficult to control. How did you know that? Well, I was thinking strep throat and then ob is big. That's where I got to. Well, that's actually like how you get that it's etymology,

I think. Etymomy? Yeah. Your mom? Chilled soybeans. Fusty. F-U-S-T-Y. Fusty?

That's Fergie's sister. I just like that word. Yeah, she was an original member of the black eyed peas uh fusty that's a fish song i think uh fusty fusty is like uh messy what about little fusty he's pretty cool he's coming up kanye just signed him. He hates Jesus. He's cool. What did you say it was? Like messy. Well, it's smelling stale, damp, or stuffy. The fusty odor of decay. No, it doesn't mean smelling.

It doesn't mean messy. Yeah, for sure. We're not on par with that one. I'll give you the other one. That was very impressive. Okay, precipitously. Don't even. I can't even say that word. I'm not, you think I'm going to learn it? Can we try it? Precipitously. Like precipitation. Precipitously. Precipitously. Yeah. So, uh, precipitously means, uh, um, it's, uh, precipitous. I guess, is the root word. Come before. Dangerously high or steep.

Man, I got precipitous at that fish show. Dangerously high. It's dangerously high or steep. Precipitously. That was the Sam Harris one. And then my favorite one, I've been listening to the Sam Harris podcast to lull myself to sleep probably for a week now, and I can't get past.

I've only done half of it and this word always wakes me up and i try to go remember it and i never have the um i'm not awake enough to write it down on my phone but last night i was and i got it alacrity alacrity alacrity that means uh you're lacking um you can't just hear a little word inside it Why it worked for the first one I guess it did Alacrity Can I have it in a sentence She accepted the invitation with alacrity

She didn't really give a shit about it She doesn't want to do it She accepted the invitation with like hesitation you mean Like apathetic No it means brisk and cheerful readiness Of course yeah yeah so if you're now spelling these words would be a whole alacrity was hard i put it in my phone as el and it's ala alacrity yeah alacrity so that's just a little how far did you do the

spelling bee when you do you remember when you're oh yeah i got it everyone i think probably remembers the word they get eliminated on if you're a competitive pong school guy. Yeah, mine was word. I didn't get it right. I spelled it with two R's. You're probably a good speller, right? No.

Oh, not? Get out of here. You're not? Do you even know who I am? Like, do you get nervous writing things, like in front of Brenna? I get nervous sometimes reading things, not knowing words. Ooh, yeah. Sometimes I'll look, like, so in Jewish... Wait, you don't... You get nervous reading things not knowing words oh yeah sometimes i'll look like so in jewish you

don't you get nervous reading things yeah but i read a lot but if i don't know a word but wait a second no no reading out loud reading out loud okay okay gotcha so like if um you know a lot of times with like jewish religion each person has to go around the room and read like a passage so most of us do that in just normal school no just the religious part of it yeah it's just like the tradition i don't think that's a tradition you pass down in the jewish culture maybe it is um yes but didn't you just do that in regular school where you just go through a chapter yeah yeah in non-jewish school I just want to make sure everyone can relate to this, but I feel like it's...

I'm like, what high school should you go to where you only did that out of the Torah? Okay, this is broader than I thought. Okay. Okay, in regular non-Jew school, in history class, some people did history, I would read what I had to read

before it got to me because I was so nervous. Everyone did that. Okay. Everyone did that. Again, this is enough this is i guarantee you i think you can make a meme about that of like you know when it's when i know i have to read you count the number of people where it's going to be and you go paragraph paragraph and you count which paragraph and it's the worst if you're a teacher out there and you do this make it random so the kids can't count ahead because you will not be present otherwise.

Or just don't do it. Because you're never present. You're always reading what's next. And I, sorry, as a fast reader and a fast person, I could not stand. It made me hate the slow kids. And by the way, reading comprehension or being able to read it's a you could be in the most intelligent person and just have a reading a learning disorder that makes it so you can't read so it but my dumb six-year-old or sixth grade brain would be like this kid's dumb and

then you're then i think that kid's dumb the rest of my life there sir i can remember who was a slow reader that i go god can ray pool please read every passage he was like the smoothest reader he he read so fast it was like delicious i was like oh please call it ray and then they would always call him you know jeff i don't want to say slow jeff is that what you want to say are on the tip of my tongue yeah you know like i remember who and i was just somewhere in between but i would really it would almost actually be fun to see what words they would come up with my favorite ever was tyler schoonover he was not a bad reader but he just got ahead of himself much like i did on wheel of fortune when i said where's the metaverse and how do we get there instead of i i realized that story you thought i you would go on wheel of fortune and you would read each word when you guessed the

clue whereas i see it as like okay i know it and i'm just gonna say it which is a mistake but you would go where is the metaverse and how that but most people don't they just kind of go oh it's a common phrase and then they just go you know what i'm saying i i could see how i could get common phrased right tricked but yeah i see what you're saying you thought i was like just reading i as we like a like who would ever do that yes but you know i was just like saying what i thought it was no that's what i i thought that i thought that you just made a i don't want you to think i'm a monique no i think you're dumb in many ways i think you can be dumb now you're right yeah but but there is an argument that you read too fast yes well it's got this is a problem for me it's like the wheel fortune and um who

wants to be a millionaire i just am too fast and then i make mistakes it happens all the time have you seen the video of the guy that went on like a shark tank kind of show or like x factor and he said i'm the fastest oh yeah so funny it was like a ugandan america's got talent and the guy takes the book and just goes He goes like He goes, what's in that? And the guy goes, what are you doing? And he goes, I just read the book really fast. And the guy is so serious.

I guess you had to be there. It's so funny. And the guy like assaults him. He's like, get off my show acting like this. He's really mad. I mean, it's one of the funniest things I've ever seen. It was good. But what I was actually i was sorry yeah so the slow kid speeding speed re or no yeah spelling what did you get knocked out on spelling pigeon pigeon p-i-g-o-n i mean i'm guessing i did p-i-g-o-n or but that e-o-n pigeon adding a D. So you are a bad speller.

I'm not great. I mean, I never made it to the finals and the spelling bee in school. I never even came close. You seem like someone who would be a good speller to me for some reason. That's weird. But yeah, I think that's just rude.

There are certain things in schools where I go, man, they should... What do I know about educating kids? But there's some things that make kids so insecure that it takes them out of the moment and they cannot, they,

I would be so nervous so many times in school that I wouldn't absorb any information because I was scared about my part that was coming up. And like, you shouldn't make every kid perform. Not every kid wants to be performing. Although, you know, it is something they're going to have to use in their life.

Like, I know people that can't call to order a pizza or something, you know, like kids have so much people that, you know, it is something they're going to have to use in their life. Like, I know people that can't call to order a pizza or something, you know, like kids have so much people that, you know, people that have anxiety and those anxieties. I used to be that way. I used to have that much stage fright. And so it's like that you can overcome that. So maybe we should force kids to do it. I don't know. I mean, it's crazy that we both do a profession where we can speak and memorize for an hour or whatever. And then if I had to do a play in fifth grade, I did exactly what you said. I would only be thinking about what my line will be. If I'm going to remember a line, I'm going to look like an idiot for not remembering the line.

Oh, I was in plays where I didn't know anything else that was going on. Nothing. And I still do that for scenes. That's bad acting. Yeah. Because acting is like you're supposed to actively listen and and and you can tell bad actors when they're just not you don't see them making a listening face like i think that's a part of acting where it's like you have to actually be in the scene and

i find myself doing that all the time where i'm just like i was in a movie on friday night called cursed friends on comedy central and um it was the first movie i've done where amy didn't put me in it and it wasn't like just like a handout kind of thing even though she was very adamant at the time about like i'm not giving this to you because you're my friend i'm doing it because you're good but you know and i appreciate her saying that but this was the first time i booked something and i probably booked it because a little bit because I'm a name it was a small role it was like a day's work lesson no it's because you went to

Tish at NYU yeah I don't know like I auditioned for the lead and I didn't get that but I got they were like but we'll give you this so it was nice but I didn't audition for this role but it was still nice and I watched it on Friday night and I was a little bit nervous because I just you know I wanted to be an actress and I was a little bit nervous because I just, you know,

I wanted to be an actress when I was in middle school and high school, and then that didn't, I just never got the right, I never got the roles I wanted, and then I auditioned for theater school and college, and I didn't get in, and I don't really try that hard when I act. Like, I don't go,

there have been times for auditions I go to acting coaches, and I'll work on it for like an hour maybe, but I don't really give it much more effort than that. Even when I get the role, I kind of memorized it on the way there. I'm sorry to the men who made that as a scapegoat then. Yeah.

I'm just too nervous about it being bad. So I just put it off and it's, I don't think it's as much as I go, Oh, if I don't work on it a lot, I'll have an excuse for why it was bad it's just I'm just too scared of working on it because I just want to delay knowing I'm bad I think that's more of it I think so many people say people procrastinate because they're like oh I'll have an excuse for why it's bad because I waited

too long but mine is I just don't want to find out if I'm bad until later it's like cleaning your room do you know when you wait to clean your room are you waiting so that if you don't clean your room well you can say well i only had 20 minutes no you're delaying it because it sucks to realize that you are a mess yeah okay i see what you're saying so it's like i delayed working on that role because i just didn't want to deal i mean maybe it's a little bit of both but i really do feel it's like it's uncomfortable being like i said can you change how you view that in your brain you think to go you know what I am a decent actress well I saw it on Friday and I was like oh I made choices I don't feel like I look like myself in the role I feel like that was like I did a good job I was like oh okay I could be an actress like I it was the first time I saw myself

and I was like you know when I feel pretty and and in Trainwreck, I wasn't convinced of myself. I was like, oh, you kind of seem out of place with all of these great actors. It looked like me doing a middle school role to me. And if you tell yourself that you, whether Amy said it or not, you tell yourself, I'm only getting this because of X, Y, and Z, then the confidence isn't going to be as strong i just like i was so nervous on those sets it felt like i didn't belong there but how many people were in the room like a hundred it was crazy doing train wreck was so cool and both of them um i feel pretty shot in atlanta and um and i had a scene with like the hottest guy that i've ever seen in my life in front of me like you know just know, just- Do you talk to him before you start the scene?

He's the brother of the boss woman who's played by Michelle Williams. And he's like, he's in Game of Thrones too. Yeah, he was really nice. And I was just like, I couldn't- What's his name? What's his name? I don't even know.

He's just, he's so cute. And he was British. I don't remember. But he, i play like a model going in for like a meeting or like a yes tom hopper yes yes which one is he hop on this yeah yeah he's a good looking guy he's very nice and um but train wreck because that was a jed apatow film he was directing it. That was wild

because we were in this living room and he had like a little speaker in the corner and he would direct from like a van outside. And so he would like have us and you could hear his direction coming from this little speaker. And we would just run the scene a million times until we just started like completely improvising

always be improving did that feel more natural? doing it like that compared to yeah then it gets more comfortable because then by the end of it you're just like oh but I've heard that a lot in acting is like or I guess I heard it once from an actor I respect

I forget who it was but they said acting is annoying because maybe it was Spade saying that it's sometimes, it's frustrating because when you're on set and you're doing a scene, the last take is the one that you're like, I'm finally comfortable. And it's like, we got to move on.

And you're like, oh, why can't we start from there? There's some directors that give you like two, they're like, no, we got, I got exactly what I wanted. It's like. Well, that I kind of like, cause I go, oh good. Well, what I wanted. It's like. Well, that I kind of like because I go,

oh, good. Well, I trust them. They wouldn't have. That's the guy reading fast. I will say Dahmer is so well acted, but there's one person in it that is one of the worst actors I've ever seen.

And I do not want to call this person out because I would feel horrible if it were me. But oh my God, if anyone wants to slide into my DMs and make a guess about who it is i would love if um it's someone who is a guest like only a couple episodes i'll tell you that so i just would love to know if anyone else was incensed at the tv and like how bad this acting was because it was so

funny i wish i was the kind of person that would call people out I felt so bad the other day about calling out the band that opened for the Toadies, Reverend Horton Heat. I felt I was like plagued by sadness that I put that out there in the world, that like I didn't like an artist. But I will say that not everything's for me and they probably wouldn't like my standup and they wouldn't like Taylor Swift.

And they had a ton of fans and I know they have a ton of fans and it's just not for me and they probably wouldn't like my standup and they wouldn't like Taylor Swift. And so they, and they had a ton of fans and I know they have a ton of fans and it's just not for me. Just like most of the music that Noah fucks to, would it be for me? The gentle,

soothing, sexual tones that Noah hardcore fucks to. I mean, that's the kind of music, Noah's music is the kind that, like, you know, music Jeffrey Dahmer plays

when he fucks dead bodies. Jeffrey Dahmer would say that was too much. He'd be like, you're ruining the mood here. Can't you just kill another guy in silence? I love Noah setting the scene, lighting a candle, making the ambiance perfect, lighting down the...

I mean, that impression is not even good like it was so crazy i couldn't believe how crazy it was and i think no one said that that was her you know the relax that was foreplay yeah yeah it was her that was her spa music when you go to a spa and you hear like yeah gentle like you know and yeah are you just like so uncomfortable with anything that's like soothing when you listen to that music? Like your bar must be so high for. Like spa Enya kind of music I don't like, but I do like Brazilian music like sambas and bossa novas and stuff.

Okay. Which are a little bit better. Well, while getting a massage, you might like some spa music maybe. Or would you rather we listen to Megadeth? I mean, I would probably rather listen listen to mega death i mean i would probably rather listen to mega death but you know i just tune it out i love noah getting a root canal to just fucking i want to do like a study on people that like that kind of like what i've never it's never ring true with me and i feel i like it's it's so interesting how different humans

can be because there's nothing about it that i could i couldn't find anything to like about it the only thing i would like about it i'm sure people would say this i'm lifting weights and it's like motivating to just fucking become an animal but even then it's almost too much like i don't like i i don't know i i i get why people love it because of the rage. They feel it. They can feel the actual energy. It's not just like a singer singing. It's every emotion coming out, and I get that. I get screaming.

It sounds like they're all moving trash cans in a concrete hallway. It just sounds like scraping and nails on a chalkboard sounds. Why doesn't Noah give us – can you give us a playlist? Will you make a playlist of five? I don't think I can do it. Let's try it. I don't think I can do it. Let's see if we can get through three.

I don't think it's going to work for me. I don't think. I'll start it off light and I'll work it up. I want Ken Burns to do a series. Ken Burns got me into jazz. Maybe Ken Burns metal might get me into it. Slowly panning. Ken Burns did baseball. And he just did the Holocaust too.

Yeah, all your favorite things. As a Jewish man. Have you seen the Holocaust, Ken Burns? No, just... Nah, I've just heard stories from family. Oh my God. I went over to my parents and they were watching it and I just... It was so upsetting. I was like,

can we put on mass singer or something to cut the... It was just too... I mean, it's great. Is that something... As a Jew, do you feel like you should watch it? Yeah, I guess. I probably read more about the Holocaust

than you. I'm fascinated by it. Because again, it's that more... But do you ever read about it? Yeah, I lived it. Because again, it's that more... Vicariously through my great-grandfather. But do you ever read about it or like... Yeah, I know the years. 39 through 44. We have to go to break. You know the years. Okay, alacrity. We'll be right back after this.

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oh my god you know the years yeah i know i know a lot about hitler we're back so we're back andrew knows the years of the holocaust hitler was born on 420 he was a painter a failed painter he had a little funny mustache did you ever go to any of the yeah i went to all the parties was that what you're saying yeah i went to dachau i did you really did and uh yeah there was like a teen tour there all laughing all these german kids like and i was like german kids yeah and i was like hung yeah, there was like a teen tour there, all laughing, all these German kids. Like, ah, ah, ah, ah. And I was like, Jesus. German kids? Yeah, and I was like hungover,

and I was like, these fucking, we're all starting another World War III right now. Right. But they would take me. There was like 40 of them. People have written to me about going to the 9-11 memorial. I lived in New York for 10 years off and on. It's like, how did I not go to that? And I'm a 9-11 head. It was downtown. 11 memorial i lived in new york for you know here's the difference 10 years off and on it's

like how did i not go to that and i'm so i'm a 9-11 head it was downtown it was pretty there was no comedy clubs by the way i would have you been to um um a concentration camp no i have you gone and toured uh no but um would you go or is that something that's just like it's too much i would like to go yeah yeah i i it's heavy because because the buildings are the buildings that like 9-11 it's a brand new building it's hard to like connect to it but if the fire building was still there like you walk in museum and they have all like you know there's i've i've heard it maybe auschwitz they have like the pile of shoes there's like all those, those are the things that- The room that they went in.

I mean, yeah. Yeah, you could feel it. It's eerie. Yeah. Yeah, it's fucking, it was pretty intense. I mean, I was also hungover or maybe still drunk.

Why did you go hungover? Huh? And did you go alone? No, I went with my older brother and this other guy named Jose who hooked up with this. There was a thing, we went to a Hofbrauhaus,

which it's in, it's in- Is it like in uh it's in um it's like soho house no it's like this place where these women bring out beers and they'll hold six gigantic beers and their big cleavage is right there yeah and my buddy hooked up with one of the girls and he said his dick never felt smaller because she's had such a grip on steins of ale. This is the same guy. It's really funny.

We went to Prague. You know how there's no water in the toilet? Is this the same Heath Ledger trip? This is, yes. This is post-Heath. There's no water in toilets? Yeah. We ended up meeting these three girls on the Eurorail from Miami of Ohio.

He liked one of the girls. Oh, he shit in a bag? He shit and he took it out because he didn't want it to smell. But he left it on the windowsill in the bag. Wait, why is there no water in toilets? How does poop go down? I don't know. Just fucking.

And he left it on the windowsill when he left. He left it on the windowsill and he comes out. He's like, oh my God, she went in the shower and I left my shit in the windowsill. And the door was locked so he couldn't get back in. Yeah. Well, good thing it was just a hookup and in a different country that's a good point yeah can you imagine what her story must be like the story i don't know what if she ever told anyone well she never came up and he hooked up with her later so maybe she was sad when people

have great stories that involve poop or like something embarrassing and they just never tell anyone like if you have a story that is just horrifying that involves you pooping or finding a bag of poop or hooking up with a guy who pooped your bed or like get like tell the world it's not there's no judgment don't hold that in i'm so jealous of people with good stories he did shins oh yeah he essentially did which is yeah which is with my old technique i mean i would still do it to this day which is you wrap your hand in toilet paper and you reach and you you get you make little mittens called shittens and you reach and you grab it out if it's not flushing and you have a big line ahead of you because otherwise the person in line after you is gonna see that you took a shit especially if you want to fuck that person you got to get it out of there yeah i mean i oh man so anyhow but yeah no so yeah so the

house so we went to that place and have like you know six of those big beers and that was the night before how's your drinking going now are you still like loving it i've never was really i mean i'm not trying to defend it but i was never really loving. It was just like something I was finally like, I don't really want to hold on. But is it fun? Not really. I haven't drank. I've had like two drinks in like probably four a month. Oh, wow.

Yeah. I'm kind of like, all right. I kind of did it again. Because it was like starting to feel like hangover and just like not good. Yeah. I just, it just didn't. There's no point in it. There's really no point in it there's really no point

in it i'll have like one tequila on the rocks just one and it'll just make me feel a little loose yes and that's it yeah there's no urge in me to wake up hungover to be out till two in the morning it's not for the party it's just like it's kind of nice just a refreshing i don't know i wonder what it was before that you tackled that because i mean you just wanted to never stop like well at least that was for me you just have one you just that's not enough you just want more yeah i mean i was just i just i mean there's just self-hatred is one yes being anxious around people trying to be the life of the party i didn't have stand-up to fucking have people love me yes so i needed the party to love me so i had to be as funny as possible i didn't think i could

get the girl so i might as well just get the crowd to laugh at me or get drunk and be like oh that's why i didn't because i was busy doing that get away get ahead of the mess get ahead of the mess let's get to the news you heard it here first. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. It's Thursday, folks. You know what that means. It is Thursday. We're having a banger over here. All the swells.

Back to you, Noah. You guys know Shirley Manson, right? She's... Shirley Temple? Yeah, I think so. I mean, was she... Lead singer of what Garbage

Yes Band Garbage Oh For some reason I would Oh Hole is the one that What's her name is it They're kind of around the same Same vibe for sure

Same genre Yeah yeah So anyways Something that would get her eyebrows waxed But she has like I remember she had like red hair And very pale skin Yeah

Got it She sang that song Stupid Girl Which I don't know anyone Who didn't like it Stupid girl Yeah Uh Yeah So skin yeah she's saying that song stupid girl which i don't know anyone who didn't like it girl yeah yeah so any relationship to marilyn manson it's no because he doesn't have that name that's a fake it's made up any relation you gotta watch his documentary he's the fucking worst i hate that guy hate marilyn manson hey if you't watch, if you still have any part of your body

that likes Marilyn Manson, please watch that documentary. You do not know what went on. He is a horrible person and should be locked up, I think. Yeah. Bad, bad, bad guy. All right, let's hear what Shirley Manson did.

She's on dick, too. Okay, well, Shirley Manson said in an interview that when she was 18, she took a crap on a cheating boyfriend's breakfast cereal and she's not ashamed of it. Okay. Well, I like that she has this story and isn't scared to share it. I'm wondering in the box, like had he just poured himself a bowl? Like who leaves a bowl abandoned?

Did he eat it? Did she pour it on the ground and then shit on top of it? Was it Cocoa Puffs where it could hide? Or was it Frosted Flakes? Did he eat it? Did she pour it on the ground and then shit on top of it? Was it Cocoa Puffs where it could hide? Or was it Frosted Flakes where you would see it? Man. I don't know. That's a strong move.

I would be scared. It would be, like if I knew, if I trusted myself to have like beautiful, dainty little girl shits, then yeah, fine. If I'm having like a good poop day, maybe, but I don't want anyone seeing my poop

especially a guy who cheated on me he'll be like oh good that was the right move i mean there's something about it being so self-deprecating in a way where it's like self-defecating yeah yeah self-defecating where you almost respect like it's not like i mean amber heard they said that she did that i mean maybe it's a thing That I have a friend that peed on A girl's laundry Because they were in a fight It's such a It's

It's like a dog I think You know a dog does that Shirley Manson said like I'm glad I did it I'd do it again Right Something like that

She I recommend doing it She even said that she inspired Her friend Who was doing it And told her that While I was doing it and told her that while I was doing it, I thought of you. And she says, I recommend it as an act of revenge.

It leaves you feeling empowered and gleeful. Wow. I would just be so, I mean, I don't run in the same circles as Shirley Manson, so I bet whoever she was dating would think that was kind of badass. And any girl that dated her boyfriend in that scene it would probably be like god your girlfriend's so fucking cool she took a shit on your cereal it kind of goes with the name of the but if i did

that to chris it would be i mean they would it'd be done they well yeah it would be like good thing you cheated on her that person's a psycho as as it should be i mean that is so gross because shit is so infectious some people are into it though some guy might actually eat that cereal if you are in this poop you should go get your unless i mean remember that one comic we worked with who was like i love eating ass but you get sick a lot oh man i mean it was with tom we were we work in dc and there was a guy i won't say his name but he would like i love eating ass i just love it like he liked to do it casually and he was like but you do get sick a lot like i just i get the stomach flu like once a month it's just

like holy fuck um i mean i am so i don't want anyone seeing my poop I don't want to like except my girlfriends I do not care like yesterday I was in such a bad mood and then I went to the bathroom to pee and then I had like the greatest poop of my life and I was like oh that was it like it was I just

I gave Bert like it was but I want and so I wanted to send a picture of it to my girlfriends but I can't. I just can't. Because if it got out in any way I have a joke about this in my special but it would be more embarrassing than a picture of my hairy

bush. Or if I had a yeast infection. But how would they connect it to you? How would they know it's your poop? I don't know. Even if I would deny it of course i mean in my joke i say i'm i'm taking a selfie with it and like why did i have to do that but instead so i did what i did i needed my friends to see like how impressive it was so i drew it

i took a piece of paper now i remembered and i held it next to it and i traced like the approximate size and i then i sent a picture with my hand next to it and I traced like the approximate size. And I, then I sent a picture with my hand next to it on the piece of paper to show the size, to just be like, guys, guess what I did. And then on you goes,

I actually have a lot of these from when Nikki and I lived together. Cause that's when I started doing that of drawing it. Cause I couldn't take a picture, but I was so proud of myself. And, and when you're a tiny, like, I'm not like a tiny girl,

but when you're a girl and you're like capable of that, you're just sort of like, what is going like, when you're a tiny like i'm not like a tiny girl but when you're a girl and you're like capable of that you're just like what is going like when you draw it do you like look at it like you know like kind of i'm picturing titanic where it's like paint me like one of your french are you like looking at this shit for a while no no no it takes you two seconds i just put it so i put it it was like a manila envelope so it had some like weight to it so I put it next to the like half on the bowl and like right next to it so you are the exact size

I wanted I don't want to exaggerate it I knew you did I didn't shade it so you could see like the depth or anything I didn't but I signed it

in the corner look at it go oh that's a pretzel I'm gonna draw a pretzel I see you as being a perfectionist and being going oh yes to scale.

Well, because the point of the picture was to show how impressive it was. And so in order to do that, I needed to get it exactly right. Otherwise, I would have just like, yeah. The poops that I get sent, sometimes they'll be like. So you guys send each other poops? Yeah, we've done it. When they're impressive or just because it's funny? It's funny.

Like sometimes it's like three identical ones and they're all lined up. Oh my God. That's pretty impressive. I've had so many poops go down the drain that have looked like things that I'm just like, man, I want to take a picture of this so bad. Because I see faces and things. I'm one of these people that can see faces and things. Like clouds?

Clouds or like backpacks. You see shit in clouds? Or like someone's back that has sweat on it i'll see like different and there's just certain i don't know i'm just i i have that too i don't know what is that called i don't know i don't know i had a thing i remember i was like in the shower like on the wall yes i like look closely and i can see like the dentist office all the the dappled like kind of um the work on the whatled work on the drywall on the top, those tiles. There's all those little marks, and I always find little faces.

Oh, yeah. In my shower, there's always a face. In the sidewalk, I see faces all the time. I tried to bring someone in. I remember I was in college freshman year, and I go, look at this. Do you see this face of a a dog having sex with a uh a pterodactyl and the guy goes i send you this the guy looks at me he goes what he looked at me like i was insane oh i send him to chris all the time and he goes i don't know what this is and i'm like

it's et i thought it was why did you tell me already oh man i shouldn't have but look at this picture i took i mean it's kind of like, what's that? The Rorschach test or whatever? The Rorschach. Yeah, that's a good point. It is like that. But it's like, I saw this and he didn't even respond to it. And I was like, how could you not respond to this? He was like, I just was so confused.

I didn't know what it was. And I'm like, it's so clearly ET. It's just a picture of your shit. It's going to be so funny. Oh my God, it would be so good. It's like, I don't know why you put it on a bike. I've never taken one. There's not a picture of my poo that exists anywhere in

the world. I can't find it right now, but it was so good. I posted it on my story at one point and a couple people saw it, but I thought it was going to break the internet because it looked so much like E-T to me and no one even cared. You know when people see Jesus' face and random things and toast, people go insane. much like et to me and no one even cared you know when people see jesus's face and like

random things and people yes toast people go insane i mean et is a pretty big one you would think and it was just in front of me i was running in forest park and then all of a sudden this girl had a backpack on in front of me and i was just like oh oh yeah i remember that story yes okay i think i didn't see it as et i just saw it as like a face okay maybe i had it wrong okay here's forest park let me just pull up this and see if it comes up on this remember when we went to forest park that one time yeah that's the one time yeah we went and we um went on those uh oh last night i did something very similar to that i went on um a you did an activity oh my god a big activity man i'll find the et picture later um i went on um one of those bike things no a ferry boat a boat i went on uh it's called the becky thatcher but it's like a riverboat oh down there's only one riverboat down by the arch

oh and i went on a riverboat with chris and my and my brother-in-law, Matt, and they were screening a show, a show about paddling that my brother-in-law's business was featured on. And it was like a happy hour and a screening of this thing. And then it's like a two-hour riverboat ride. Was it nice? It was nice. Did you see parts of St. Louis like, oh, okay.

No, I mean, you just see a bunch of like kind of sad parts of St. Louis, industrial garbage on the side. But it's on the river and it's kind of pretty and it's on sunset and you see the arch and that's really pretty but it was it was fun it was cool it was nice to do an activity but also overrated like could have done something else with that two and a half hours when you include the commute you know but it was nice to get out i met new people and stuff but it was a thing and then um okay let's get to the next news story. Okay, Shirley Manson shits. Okay,

so here's some news out of Missouri. This is like awful. A terrified woman with a metal collar soldered to her neck escaped a dilapidated home where she had been captive for around a month. She desperately dragged herself

to the front door of multiple neighbors' home to ask for help, telling them she was a sex slave while her abductor took his kid to school. Oh, damn it. Yeah, it's one of those things. This is Kansas City, Missouri, by the way, on the other side. Oh. Do you know where it is?

Yeah, there's two Kansas. It's Kansas City. Yeah, but it's Kansas City, Kansas and Kansas City, Missouri. So this is on the other side of Missouri from where we are. If you folded Missouri in half, St. Louis and Kansas City would kiss. I am a little confused, actually. Is Kansas City, Missouri the same city? No.

No, but it's just like Kansas City, Missouri is, I think, a little bit nicer. Oh. You know. Okay. It'd be like East St. Louisis slash st louis but not as bad you know what i'm saying i get what you're saying yeah but it is the same kansas city it's just it's split no no they're two different cities because they're you know there's a there's a saint paul there you know there's a um portland maine and there's a portland oregon but we don't call them

we're not like but it's they're all maine Maine and Oregon are very far apart. I know, but these two have different- But you see how I can be tricked. Yes, yes. Yeah, they tricked me. I'm from Florida. I've never been, yeah. So it, yeah, so this is really tragic. First of all, I think it's so crazy

how every one of these stories where someone escapes and is asking for help, it's always multiple doors they have to bang on because people are so freaked out that they don't open their door and people just don't want to be a part of it. They don't want to deal with it. It's that bystander effect.

It's that bystander effect. Like, you just don't want to deal with it. I've done it too where it's like, you know, the other day I actually saw a woman crying on this. I was coming back from a run. I was like on the walk part back and there was this woman that was just like bent over like on a stoop and she was

just crying and i was like she seems a little like unstable and she's maybe i didn't know she didn't look homeless but it was just like she might just be like you know and i was like i wouldn't i gotta do it you know and so i was just like are you okay and she was like i have a charlie horse and i can't make it to my car it just hurts so bad it hurts so bad and she's on speakerphone with someone who's trying to like help her and i'm like can i get you anything my apartment's right there can i get you like a i have like a theragun what late and she was just like no it happens all the time and this poor woman she was like a youngish woman but she was just crippled by this charlie horse no definitely not oh so it was just yeah she was like a youngish woman but she was just crippled by this no definitely not oh so it was just yeah she was a little overweight like she you could just tell like she yeah just had a

cramp that was good for you for helping maybe she was a runner but i'm guessing she she was wearing like flip-flops it wasn't like but she was just like oh and i i felt good about but there's nothing i could do i like kind of rubbed her like i was like can i massage it for you and try to get out like distract i didn't know what to do but it made me so sad but generally i think i sometimes just go i don't want to bother with some new york had like made me that kind of desensitized to that kind of stuff similar too so what happened when my dad drove me to newark to come back home we like got out of the car we're like hugging goodbye and i see this beautiful young woman coming out of like um like one of those cadillac suvs i guess it was an uber and all of a sudden she just starts throwing up and um she like closes the door

she goes i'm sorry and the car drives away and she's just over there throwing up and i can't i can't so i um my dad had closed um uh bottles of water in the car so i just like i was like okay i'm gonna just go offer her water because she's gonna have this taste of vomit in her mouth on the tsa line so i went up to her and i was like here would you like some water and she just like took it opened and started drinking. And I said, do you need anything else? I didn't want, because she was probably so embarrassed. I didn't want to have her feel even more embarrassed since she goes, I'm good.

So I just left her alone. And then I saw her later in the airport. She seemed a little bit better. I wonder if she was hungover or pregnant or. I don't know. But it was, I'd never seen anything like that. She was by herself yep

wow I think if someone comes up to your door like your first instinct is like to be defensive like you're afraid you're fearful it's like you're coming into my space why are you coming oh you must have mental illness that's why you're coming into my space you don't think oh there's a murderer

or like a sex and then you hear that and you're like oh well this just but you don't think oh there's a murderer or like a sex and then you hear that and you're like oh well this just solidifies my point that this person's crazy so i think you're just like so undefensive that you don't even hear you need to watch more dommer because it's out there i know i'm obsessed but they're like in the first episode is the first episode of dommer is when he gets caught yeah it's the last time that he got to try to get someone. And the guy escapes and he's running out and it's the same thing. He's running in the middle of the street and the cops see him and he has a handcuff

on that he escaped from. He's naked. He's probably bludgeoned or whatever. And he looks insane. I mean, it looks like just a... You know, you see homeless people like that a lot of times that are just like they're on PCP so they've stripped off of their clothes. They look... they've maybe hurt themselves in some ways that they're bleeding and you just go and that person needs help too i mean like we dismiss that person too it's just like

but it's you're you just don't want to get too close and you kind of dismiss it but this woman um so what happened with this woman she was held as a sex slave by this guy he's arrested they were able he went out to go take his daughter to school or something. And that's when she got out. How cocky these guys are. I love how they have daughters too. Like my daughter needs an education. It was a son.

Okay. Of course. So he takes his son to school and the cops were able to get back to his place and meet him outside before he was able to like go and destroy evidence. That's not what happened. Actually, it's even worse.

It's even worse. What? Really? He was stopped. I read the article. What the fuck? He was stopped for like a traffic violation and they took him in because he um violated some animal code law so they took him in for that and then they linked him to the story the leash yeah he was

using a dog leash on a human i I could have sworn they said they arrested him before he could go back in and ruin evidence while he took his son to school. Oh, yes, that's true. But they stopped him on a traffic stop away from the house. Oh, God. And Jeffrey Dahmer got stopped with a traffic stop with bags of dead body parts in the back of his car.

And the cop goes, you know what? You're a promising young boy, and this would really, you know what, you're a promising young boy and this would really, you know, he's drunk, he's like, this would really ruin your future so I'm gonna let you go. And then the cop,

you know, it's just. That's how Ted Bundy got caught on a routine traffic stop in Florida, at least in the movie. Right. It's just.

I mean, those kind of things, you're like, is that God? That might be God, right? Like helping, like this guy.

I'm sorry. God is really slipping if he even lets it happen to begin with. Like what this whole thing of God really intervened. Well, why did God make you him put a chain around your neck and rape you every day for months? But God made that turn. But speaking of sex slaves that are held captive, I have been re-watching The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt on Netflix, and it is so funny. I remember the first season.

It is so freaking funny. I'm watching this. I'm on the third season. It's up there with Veep and 30 Rock in terms of great jokes. I swear to God, if you need a show just to pop on and laugh and just watch the best writing

in TV history, it's that show. I'm blown away. Last night I was watching and I was laughing so hard out loud by myself. It felt like

almost criminal to be laughing that, I don't ever laugh alone that hard. Ever. Was it first season? I was watching third season. Third season.

But I fell off after the first season and was like, I don't need to watch any more of this. I remember it being very 30 rock. It's the same, right? It's Tina Fey, but it is a great theme song. Unbreakable. She's alive, damn it.

It's a miracle. And it's all about these girls that were held in a bunker for their entire childhoods till um they are in their 20s and then they get out and so ellie uh ellie kemper who was you know on the office plays the girl that gets out and she's just like it's a great character because she's still a child and everything is new to her and by the third season she's she just gets yes it's like elf she has that mentality and she gets everything wrong and like there's this thing yesterday where by the third season they're

just so used to her like not knowing anything and one of her best friends titus the uh he's i forget who he's played by but he's like you know this almost like a really flamboyant gay guy who loves show tunes and it's her best friend and she's talking about something she sees a picture and she's like man i mean that's a milf and she goes and he goes at the same time they both say he goes we know you're gonna get it wrong whatever it is we know you don't know it and she goes uh uh fuck what did she go man i'd like to friend her or something like that like it was like um but it was just so funny that they're already being self-referential in that episode of like it would be funny if she just said what she thought milf was but to have him go we know you're gonna get it wrong at that point like

they're in on the joke but man oh and she gets a text and i put it on my story but it says oh gosh i gotta go back to my boss my boss just said get you better get the duck over here so i gotta go find a duck it's just like something like that yeah yeah but i mean that was one of like 50 jokes that flew at my head last night and i was just like god damn it like it there's so many funny things out there stop watching things that aren't funny for the love of god except for dommer dommer is funny honestly it's funny because it's just he's so weird but things that are comedies that aren't that caliber will you please stop watching them i don't know i think so disappointed in comedy lately i love v i i obviously enjoy 30 rock sometimes it could be too joke heavy for me that's and i think people

when you watch it it's, it's a lot. Yeah, I get wanting more story with your shows or more heart with your comedy shows. I think that's why people avoid them. Yeah, but if you're someone who likes jokes, please support those shows because they're the best. I watched SNL last night, the sketch, the Try Guy sketch that people are so upset about. I don't even know what the Try Guy is. Exactly, that's, the sketch, the Try Guy sketch, that people are so upset about.

I don't even know what the Try Guy is. Exactly, that's what the sketch is about. It's like, who the fuck cares about this? Why is this news? A guy cheated consensually with another woman that he worked with, and everyone's like, this SNL is done. There's this whole backlash for SNL now because they made light of this guy cheating,

which I guess is just such a terrible thing. And it's like, this guy had an affair with, I guess, the Try Guys have a brand and then they have another group of people who do things and they're called the Food Babies. And this girl that he cheated with on his wife was a food baby. And so

now they're like, this is about a man preying on someone who works within his company it's like how many fucking people hook up with people that you work with all these people that are talking about like she was a victim i understand that that can happen power dynamics but literally every show you've ever watched where people fall in love like how many people have met when someone was at an office and someone was maybe in a little bit more position of a power? I mean, me and my boyfriend.

So why don't you cancel me? I'm so tired of this. This girl was in a consensual relationship. She hasn't come out and said it wasn't. Maybe we shouldn't take her word for it. I just don't understand. Everyone wants to cancel everyone for the dumbest things. And part of me feels like you're not giving this person that was working under the person any credit that they can make their own choice.

Yes, yes. And just because someone's your boss doesn't mean what, because people go, don't let anything hold you back from true love. Anything. Except for? Except if he works in the department ahead of you

and makes a little bit more money than you. Then if you go after him, then you are a victim. And you don't even work in an office anymore. You met on Zoom. And everyone cheats. Why are we acting? There was a whole thing thing of like when are we gonna stop being surprised when men cheat like this you know adam levine they called it the wife guy the guy who like is like i'm a guy

that has a wife and we're always like so let down because i guess this guy the try guy that cheated he was known as like the wife guy gotcha he's like i have a wife and it's like the people who talk too much about their partner are probably more capable of doing things like this stop being surprised everyone cheats not everyone but man it is way more than you think i mean he's he he talks about her so i mean these are children that are getting upset about this and i'm just so tired of, I'm getting on board with like the, I'm now getting furious about cancel culture.

I'm a little late to this game, but I think it is so overblown. I am so tired about people, what people are getting upset about. It's ridiculous. Okay, well, let's go to break and not talk about Try Guys ever again. We'll be back after this with Van Thrax.

Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears guys ever again. We'll be back after this with Fan Thrax. shows, correspondents, and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, we're back. Let's get to Fan Threx, Noah. Let's do it.

Noah's getting wet. That is my fiance. That's true. It's not cheating if it's your... Yeah, yeah. Okay, our first voicemail is from Sarahah hi besties this is sarah i wanted to call in and ask nikki what she thinks of bachelor in paradise so far i'm loving it so much as ridiculous as it is and i'm also putting together why i love reality tv so much it is such a good way to

like watch other people's actions and see how they actually play out. Like seeing Genevieve and the things that she's doing. It's frustrating, but it's also so much of, I think, putting a mirror to who I was in college. Like just feeling insecure, doing things out of insecurity, wanting a guy to like me, putting somebody else down like to them in order to get them to like me more. And it's just like watching reality helps me not do those things because I see how they actually play out and it's not a good look. It doesn't get you what you want. I also love that they're doing like a Casa Amor version where the girls leave and the guys are tested crazy, but into it.

And I also think that somebody put a curly toupee on dax shepherd and he's one of the contestants that guy looks so much like him it's insane uh side note i also wanted to ask noah what it is that she's fed on pinterest i'm between reddit and pinterest as far as like scrolling endlessly on my phone and pinterest is just my boards are just full of diy projects that i save and love will never do but have so much fun watching people make this textured art and this thing out of a dollar tree thing but yeah i was just curious about that for noah i love you guys think of a dollar tree thing she talks like us she does i love it um well let's start with you

noah what do you look at on Pinterest? You do the same thing. What is something on your Pinterest right now that you're like, I'll never make this, but if I could choose one thing to do, it would be this. Is there something that you can think of right now? So I've been pinning a lot of DIY gardens because I want to grow vegetables and stuff, but I know I'll never do it.

Right. Or just like home decor stuff. That's something you could do. I could see you doing that. And what? Horse stuff? No, home decor. Like the winter pots that Kirsten does.

Those are all pink. Oh, goddammit. Don't you talk about those fall pots to me. You know what? I came up with another thing that girls have that I don't have that are like, this is a deep dive on like, if you're a girl, I think that I do have a lot of listeners

that don't feel like real women and maybe relate to me in a lot of ways. There's another thing when girls, like I can't watch scary movies because I'll have a nightmare. If you have nightmares about something you watch that night, like you can't watch a scary movie because then that night

you'll have nightmares about it. You are a perfect woman. Because I have nightmares, but they are never about the thing I just watched. They're always like about something, they're like I'm missing my flight and I don't have time to pack. And then the taxi cab driver is my dad,

but my dad doesn't know who I am anymore it's never like i've been watching so much dommer i'm dying for dommer to show up in my dreams i want more episodes if you are a girl that's like i can't go see that movie because then i'm gonna have nightmares about the purge you are a girl i want to be i'm so jealous and that's a specific thing but like girls who have pretty nightmares that make sense that was like he was chasing me and i was naked and like there was blood on the walls if you have dreams that make sense you are a perfect girl yeah you're also i don't think asleep i think you're just still in whatever that what is it called but girls do do that i've never related to girls that are like i can't watch

these shows because they give me nightmares mania's like that and i'm just like man i wish i was a girl like that. I'm a boy like that. I used to, when I would watch Nightmare on Elm Street, I was fucked for like a week. And your nightmares would be about that? Oh yeah, it'd be Freddie all day long.

God, you're a perfect girl. I'm such a little girl. I've got nipples for a girl. As far as Bachelor in Paradise. Yeah. You know what I like? What she said, she said that she watches it

to not be like she used to be. Yes. And I thought this whole time that people watch it to justify their shitty behavior. Oh, no. I don't think that at all. Yeah, well, I'm an idiot. I'm a girl. Well, that's what I've always said about these.

Well, maybe. I don't know. I won't say I'd never thought of it at all. But I feel like I think a lot of times, I guess what I'll say is that a lot of times girls, I think, or guys will watch these shows and be like, I would never act like that. And the truth is you do all the time. So I like that. What was her name again?

Sarah. Sarah. I like that Sarah was able to say, I see myself in this because I think a lot of times we go, I would never fucking do that. And the thing is, have you ever seen footage of yourself in like a home video or you don't know you're being,

even a picture of yourself you don't know is being taken and you go oh my god i slouch like that i talk like that like you don't know that's why i wanted to do my reality show is to kind of it gave me a version of myself that i was like oh whoa like my friends and family put up with a lot like it gave me a perspective on how difficult i can be and how annoying I can be. I definitely think, I mean, most people aren't watching Bachelor in Paradise, but it is a great season that you should just jump into and you can just jump into it.

It's like watching zoo animals. It's like watching humans in the zoo, like a habitat where you keep them. That's what I've always said about FBoy. When I was promoting it, I'd be like, reality TV is like a david attenborough documentary about like watching the species of animal and their mating habits when they are kept in like a tribe like a big brother like yeah yeah well it's just like you know i and i also feel like um i with genevieve especially it i will say what i pay attention to mostly is what face work i do

and don't want to have done and how everyone has a nose job everyone everyone in hollywood i want you to i want everyone to remember this every single actress that you want to be has had a nose job. Every single one of them. And I want to join them. They've all had nose jobs. They've all had, there's one girl that looks like Ariana. I call her Ariana Kardashian because she's a,

her face is a perfect mixture of both of them. There's a girl named Sinead who is stunning. She looks like a young Michelleelle pfeiffer uh there's um and then there's genevieve who i really like but um her lips are i actually kind of want her lips um but yeah in terms of behavior i really this is just for this is just for sarah but i really did not like how genevieve it both her and Sinead are like, I'm going to like date other guys. And like the guys that they, so they're in like a relationship with the guys on like the first couple of days. They like find a guy and they kind of match up.

Then a new guy comes in and like pulls them for a date. And then the guy that they were kind of matched up with is a little sad. And the girl gets back from the date and she's like, it was was amazing actually he really showed me a lot of affection and like you don't do that and i need to like know from you it's like this guy's known you for one fucking day and she goes honestly how am i supposed to feel when you at breakfast i sat next to you you gave me one kiss and he goes oh so we're counting kisses now and she goes how dare you and she freaks out and it's like yeah you are counting kisses now? And she goes, how dare you? And she freaks out. And it's like, yeah, you are counting kisses.

It's out of line. You're a weirdo. What a weirdo. It sucked. She sucked. And I hate the idea of any woman being at home being like,

go girl, get him because you're wrong. I'm never the one to take the guy's side on these shows. But these girls have it all. I don't know where

they get this entitlement from. Well, they get it from people going, act it up. Act it up. But yeah, but they get rewarded for being insane. Like, that's why. It's like if you were watching a zoo animal show, and every time one of the animals attacks someone,

they got a treat. And you get treats for being as loud and as obnoxious. I know, producers are probably like, it sucks that he didn't really touch you at breakfast. I could tell he didn't really like you. Yeah, how did he not kiss you 40 times before? You should walk in front of him about that. Yeah, it's probably bad.

But these girls just want- Because without it, it's like- All I've realized, Sarah and Noah, is that women- Betrayal? We just want to feel desired. Can I say that? I hate being one of these comedians who goes,

let me say that again. Say it again. Read that again. You mean motivational that? I hate being one of these comedians who goes, let me say that again. Read that again. Jay Shetty. Women, to all men listening, women want to feel desired. What's the easiest way to feel desired? For a guy to make you feel desired? Touch us.

Unless your girl is a girl that doesn't like touching. But if it's early on, are you free reign to be touched after you kiss, I guess? You know what I mean? When you're making out, like she's just, girls like a guy who is kind of ravenous for them. Yes. But also seems unattainable in a way. I guess it's a hard balance to strike,

but a guy that is just zeroed in on you, a girl that has healthy self-esteem, I think, will really appreciate that. If you have to play hard and get for a girl,

yes, it's gonna work, but you ultimately can't keep that up forever if you wanna marry this person. Can you imagine playing hard to get in your relationship once you're married? Oh, exhausting. It's like, you didn't take out the child.

Well, yeah, I'm acting like you don't exist. Yeah, but this other guy took out the trash for me. Wait, you're cheating on me? You're counting the trash takeouts now? He takes our kids to school. What? Who is this guy? He drives a better car than me?

How long have you been cheating? Whatever, man. You just don't pay enough attention. I just think that women want to feel desired. who is this guy he drives a better car than me how long you've been cheating whatever man you just don't pay enough attention i just think that women want to feel desired i feel like that's when cheating happens is when a woman feels and the same with men men want to feel desired as well men want to feel don't you agree like men want to feel sexual not just sexually but just like they want to feel like their woman needs them oh Oh, it feels great. I sense that Chris really appreciates being needed more than I do. I like being needed physically or you're just so cute. I like to be adored.

I like some guy to look at me and be like, God, you're so... I like an adoring look, but I feel like men need to feel essential. I need you. Thinking about the point where it's like you want to feel desired, I think men have trouble, one, doing it enough. But then when they're told to do it, it then feels like it doesn't feel as organic to them.

They want it to be on like their terms. Well, men need to get over that. This is a control thing. I know. But I don't know if it's control. Is it control or is it? I think it's a control thing. It's like I don't want to be told what to do.

Okay, but what if I then go, okay, you are fantastic. You're the most beautiful girl in the world. Great, I would be happy with that. But then they go, but you're just saying that because I just said that. Well, then you don't get to tell someone

what you need if you're going to, you're not allowed to be a girl who goes i need you to touch me more and then when he does you go you're just doing that because i told you you are not mature you are you're asking for things that this guy you're putting this guy in a position where he can't win so when i ask chris for something i always give the caveat of like i'm not gonna be if i'm not just bringing this up when you touch me or when you you know tell me this thing or say this kind of thing i'm not gonna accuse you of trying to get on my good side or lying like i because the thing is i know he feels that way i just i wouldn't be asking for something if i didn't think he felt that way i'm like i know you feel this way already i need you to speak my language for sure for how that even if the person even if

the person though isn't even throwing it back in your face for me it just doesn't feel as authentic i know that's you because you don't you i've noticed through the years do not like being told what to do yeah you don't like being told you're not doing this i need you to do this more and so you rebel against that like do this thing instead of taking it as yeah you're not it's okay you're not perfect there's some things that i'm sure the person who's telling you that could improve on but it doesn't mean that you're a bad person you just can you might need to work on not taking that personally yeah i know i take a lot of things personally especially the way you just said i mean i take stuff personally I have my own stuff

I mean it's so hard to not take things personally well Chris and I had a thing the other day that I was really excited about our like realization I think therapy has helped us but

I sensed his mood shift about something and it was in that weird state of like where we're just in the car and it's silent and it's never that way he dates Nikki Glaser

there's never just silent you He dates Nikki Glaser. There's never just silence. You know, even when I was- Third person over? Even when he was dating Robot Nikki, I was filling the silence with little taps and then like robot voice would be like, I like this song. Like I was always talking.

And so it was silence. And I was thinking he's in a bad mood. I don't know what I did. Something's wrong. I don't even want to deal with this right now. I don't want to ever be uncomfortable with my partner. I don't want to have these weird moments where we're both walking on eggshells about our feelings. I'm like, that is...

I told him yesterday after we got over this fight, I was like, I just want it to always be easy with you. And I know that's an impossibility maybe. But of all people in the world, I would just like us to never have that i don't need a relationship where it's ever gonna feel like you're mad at me no you're mad at me so i said something and he was like well i feel like you're annoyed at me and i'm like yeah well now i'm so the old double and then i go can we backtrack to why you think i'm annoyed with you and he goes well you I was talking about your the thing that you were you know having struggles with that you brought up I was giving you advice and you interrupted me like you know four times and you just seemed to like dismiss me and I was like I could see how that would feel like a dismiss dismissal

it probably it was a dismissal I'm really sorry that I did that I need to work on listening better to you. Will you please, because he sometimes goes, when I'll be like, and you're all angry about this. He's like, please don't misconstrue what I, my behavior sometimes you misinterpret it.

And so I was like, will you do the same for me as like when I am talking over you that maybe I'm just ADD and I haven't talked to anyone all day and I just maybe need to get all these thoughts out and that I'm not. It's not that I don't respect you. Yeah.

Even though my actions, you take that as disrespect. We give me the benefit of the doubt that it might not be because I promise you, I never do anything to purposely hurt you. I've never done that. And it's just it's hard but at the to be able to i think a good technique in resolving a fight is to say oh you know what this is a lot like this thing i do to you the thing i'm feeling from you right now that i'm mad about it reminds me a lot of a thing that i do to you or like just relating it to what the person experiences from you because i think because i think a lot of times in fights i don't about you, but it can seem like one person's getting piled on.

Another person is just like, I'm perfect. So if you can relate it to something you struggle with, like I'm a bad listener, I talked over you, but when your mood shifts, it seems like you shut down and you don't give me a chance to like, you just assume that I'm mad and then it's over. You know why?

But I think what happens is and is when so when a guy gets or a girl gets quiet they feel like oh if i start talking then it might happen again and then i'll just lose my mind so like he might be afraid to mention anything because then if you interrupt that yeah he'll just be but i. But I take his quietness as I'm punishing her. And now she's not going to get anything of me because she just broke. It's not anger. I think it's fear.

And I have to remember, a friend of mine is in therapy now and she was like, her and her husband both talked about childhood trauma. Not trauma in terms of like, I mean, both actual trauma and like little things of like, my parents just didn't listen to me or this.

Try to remember, for me it's been really helpful lately to picture chris as like a four-year-old boy whenever these kind of like things that he does that are his coping mechanisms in a fight like either shutting down whatever he does that instead of taking it personally i'm just like that's his little boy like you know coming to the surface and i just gotta be nice to that little boy and not take it like he's being mean to me because my story i tell myself is he hates me he's disgusted with me he can't believe he's dating someone who's so annoying and thoughtless and careless and he is going to break up with me because he's realizing right now in this moment i'm just a despicable person who's selfish and only over talks that's the story i tell myself and then i

go to we're broken up like he doesn't want to be with me anymore i am a bad person i should just go fucking kill myself like that's how quickly i go when he is it gives me a one word answer after he's been talked over that's where i go yeah and where he goes when i i think where he goes when i talk over him is she doesn't respect me she um i she doesn't respect me yeah and you don't really want my help yeah you put all this effort in she doesn't see any you know more than me i actually don't know what am i even here for she doesn't even need me yes when the truth is i wouldn't even breathe i need you to hear all this shit and then give me your answer and i maybe wasn't but it is true that i need to work on not just steamrolling a conversation and when he says

something maybe it's going to benefit me to go oh that's interesting you say that and repeat back to him what he said in a way that makes him feel understood and heard like there and there are things I miss all the time when I'm just on yeah I feel like you get your thoughts out there through words like while you're thinking you're also. They both happen exactly at the same time. And I kind of do the same. You don't go, you never, I've never seen you go. Except when I couldn't talk. That was the only time where thoughts had to go and I'd go, is this important enough to speak?

And now I'm back to, I need to get back to a place of like thinking before speaking. But God, is it fun to just speak without thinking? It's the most fun ever. It's what we do for a living. We're kind of good at it. Okay, let's get to another fanthrox. That was a great one.

Sorry to Noah. Thanks, Sarah. Yeah, that was great, Sarah. And Genevieve. Here's another ham drip from Victor. Hey, Nikki, Andrew, Noah. I was just listening to today's episode, Tagging Out, and you commented about how guys use sporting games or sporting events to let out emotions that they can't elsewhere.

I actually went to the Detroit Lions home opener at Ford Field. And when I was walking to my seat, I heard a guy behind me just go, oh, man, I can't wait to yell. And I laughed to myself and some of my friends were like, I can't wait to yell. And I laughed to myself. And I did that to some of my friends. Foreshadowing. That's not a healthy mentality going into this game. But I just thought it was funny y'all commented on that. Because, yeah, I went to a couple of football games this season. And it's definitely a thing.

So, love the show. And Jackpot. Thanks, Victor. That's a good point. That's so funny. Just right on the nose. But I like that that person at least, there's something I like about that.

He knows what he needs. He has an excuse to yell. And we did uncover something in that. I think men, you're right, they use that as an excuse to get feelings out because my dad's anger that night just startled me so much but it was just something he'd probably isn't able to get out anywhere else probably yeah but it was

just he can't turn and yell at you that just says abuse he's got to yell at he's got to yell through the he's yelling at you through the bangles i he's like message received i'm like can you be more chris like and just not say anything he's like come on score a touchdown also buy me a car it is it is interesting how some people when they're upset scream and some people shut down yeah or yeah or do both but yeah yeah i like the idea of the guy going to the game and he's impartial. He's just there to yell. He's just like, he's not even there. He's just yelling.

I used to want to have a thing where you could go break stuff. Well, that is a thing. Yeah. There are rooms where you can just go shatter things with a sledgehammer. Listen, it's all the same thing. Yeah. That's the same shit. In playing sports, I bet that gets it out even more.

I mean, like. Oh, dude, it got out everything. That was the best. And then it got out everything. That was the best. And then it just goes away. That's the hardest part. We were talking about that when they retire. You just. Performing, comedy also does.

I think performing does that too. Like I feel like my whole set can be dictated on like my mood. Even podcasting. Like I came in here yesterday depressed and it was a whole different vibe than the day before. I think that's why I like to do four days a week is because I can't guarantee I'm going to be in the best podcasting mood one day a week. You know, like it's too much of a grab bag with old moody.

I feel like though, if we had to do probability, if I know you well enough towards Wednesday, Thursday, you're going to tend to be, at least when you're touring. When you're touring Wednesday and Thursday, you start. Freak it out? No, Thursday, you're going to tend to be, at least when you're touring. When you're touring, Wednesday and Thursday, you start... Freaking out? No, no, no.

It starts getting better. Oh, interesting. Yeah, Monday and Tuesday, I think... Because I'm back in a place where I don't have any purpose. I know, yeah. Final thought. Kirsten was on a vacation the other day

from her job, and it was a nine-day vacation, Cape Codod all over the Who took care of the pots? The fall pots take care of themselves. That's what makes them fall. I did a lot of research on fall pots. I was like, why do they exist? She was like, well, they are plants that don't need

to be watered. They can exist in the freezing cold. So, pin it Noah, pin it. So she, but she goes because she was having, she was starting to freak out about like she bought a vibe i'm sorry kirsten she bought a toy that vibrates that she went to a store and there was this the woman there talked them into this toy and they spent like 200 on this thing i mean these vibrators are like expensive now william sonoma yeah restoration hardware

restoration hardware it was a it was a just a bed post you can grind on oh wear your heart all right hey now and she was feeling this immense and i think it can't just be her and i that have this if you haven't worked in a couple days or you feel like maybe you have a vacation right And you haven't earned money proactively in a couple of days. Little charges suddenly, no matter how well off you are, start feeling like terrible. When we were off when you couldn't speak, I was like, I can't get sushi. It will never come back. Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel that way. Yeah. And so Kirsten was having that with this. She was so upset. She was like, you know, because we've been counting cries and coming. And so she was like, I cried because of this dumb thing we wasted our money on that didn't even work and and wasn't even good. And I looked at the toy and I was like, oh, I actually have one of those. I don't think you're supposed to do what they go. You put that inside you during sex, like with and she was like, yeah, that's what it says to do.

And I'm like, oh, I guess I never read the book book i always thought that was a solo toy that was so dumb so i gotta try it out and see if it works for me but anyway she was so mad about it and i was like oh my god i so relate to this one of the fights i got in with chris during my silent times uh it was right after my silent time but i've been off work now i haven't earned money for you know the podcast i earn money but like it just doesn't even feel i just i haven't been working in a way that makes me feel like i'm working and i like ordered a starbucks to the wrong place in lexington kentucky when we were there watching greg warren special and chris and i took an uber to this other starbucks and chris had kind of told me oh we're going to this part

of town and i just like selected a starbucks that i thought and i selected the wrong one and so for a second i was like, well you told me town center. And I was like, and I ordered it to town. Like I was just like, well you told me town center and I ordered it to that one. So that's why it's at another one. But I'll guess,

I guess I'll just waste $8 on a drink. And I just had that like toad of like, and then he shuts down cause he's like, you're mad at me. Like I'm to blame for it. And I'm like, and then I just go, babe,

I'm sorry. I don't know why I, I did. I just overreacted it's eight dollars it's not a big deal i just ordered one to this one who cares it's not a big deal and he was like but we can go get yours it's fine and he was figuring away and i was like it's so stupid i just haven't worked in eight dollars to me it even yesterday i went to caldys because they didn't have almond milk at starbucks on the street and i it was ten dollars for a smaller coffee than

the one i get starbucks that is not even as good. And I was so mad about it and I can afford $10. I mean, but for some reason it was, it's devastating right now. Like every lit, I just, but anyway, Kirsten said that she realized how I feel. She was like, when I'm not home, when I'm on vacation, I feel constant guilt about everything. And I feel like I can't really enjoy myself. I feel like, you know, when it was one day it was rainy there and she started crying because she was like, well, this is a pointless day to even be here. I should be home working instead. So she felt guilty. And she was like, I go, I feel that way when I'm home. Like, that's how I feel imbalanced. So it's like the opposite. She feels secure at home because that's where money, routine, everything.

And I feel on the road is almost like home. And when I'm home, like you said, Monday, Tuesday, maybe, I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. I always thought that it was like, it's interesting with you because you don't get the runner high from performing. At least you will never really. Chris says I do do he was like you are charged up i think you are i think you are but i think you almost fight against it some or at least you verbalize that it's like not that big of a deal maybe it's too like i'm in a good

mood and i'm spunky but i'm not like they love me i love this no you don't do that amazing but i think that high whether it's like consciously or like you want to admit it, it is a high. Yes. It goes somewhere. So then it has to come down. No matter how, maybe you don't go to the highest. So you come down. Come down.

It's always, for every action, it's going to be a pendulum swing. And I got, remember when i was really depressed in la i don't know if i even talked about this on the podcast i was so depressed after jimmy kimmel and someone was like yeah you just did cocaine yeah you just were on a bender for three days preparing for kimmel it was just like and then doing it and everyone's like you go out when you do kimmel it was so cool i can't wait to like have my own talk show and come up with all these like rituals but i think i said it like they they go like best show ever and all the crew i mean there's like 40 people create like a conga like not a conga line but like a you know gauntlet for you to go and you hand slap everyone then you go

back it's just like and then afterwards they all give a toast to me and they're it it was just how am i not gonna come down from that it is ecstasy so i gotta what i need to do is not if i did that every day it wouldn't i would get used to these ups and downs for sure i would be able to regulate my adrenal glands and my like system but when i'm not doing that regularly it's going i'm going to have crashes and that was what that was well i think nice to know yeah i think admitting that like i think after they have babies yeah the baby's coming it's here it's coming oh you're married you're engaged all that just hormones looking forward to anything it's got to be like this like and or after a wedding i always worry about women

after a wedding because man do you get so much attention before a wedding and women unlike noah who like thrive on that are so excited about, I'm gonna be the center of attention. Everything's about me this weekend. And even if you're not like that, it's just, you know, it's a big deal and you're worried about all these details.

And then I always, honestly, when I go to weddings, I just look at the bride and I go, oh, tomorrow you are no one's, I mean, your honeymoon's gonna be great, but even that's gonna be a little bit lonely because you get to this island in Hawaii where no one really is. There's no family and friends around anymore

that are as excited as they were here. Also, the next weekend, you have another wedding. They don't have another wedding. You have another wedding to look forward to. Doing another show. Oh, yeah, doing shows, yes. So I think, I guess guess i think the defense mechanism that or not defense but like a way for us to shield it is go it's 4 000 people it's the same thing

as doing a show for 100 people it's the same thing when it's not really it isn't because it even if it's we have to tell ourselves that because it's not you know it's gonna go away it goes away it's almost like but also we can't get when people are scared to fall in love because they're like what if because they've been hurt before what if this goes away that's why i've had so many shows canceled not so many but like every show i've had has been canceled it's never been like i just want to step away and it hurts so badly the first time with nikki and sarah live that you have to get ahead the next time i was like I'm not gonna get excited about this because I know it will be canceled and it's hard and I even feel that way about having kids like I have said it before but if you're a mother or someone who wants to be a mother

I think you're so much braver than I am because to love something that much that if it's taken from you won't just like you know you can lose your job you can you're gonna lose your parents we're gonna lose we're gonna lose everything we have eventually because you die and you lose it yeah and nuclear war it's about eight weeks away i i feel like at least i i would have never have chosen to have parents if i knew the pain that is awaiting me when they die i am so scared of it i if if it was a thing where he was like you can be someone who's just in the way that i'm gonna be childless probably i would like to be parentless because i love them so much i'm in for a world of hurt so why would i want another thing i could possibly lose i just don't want to do it even my nephew and niece i'm just like a little resentful they were thrusted into my life

because now i love this thing so much that i'm like, if something happens to them, my life is over. It'd be insane. Although I do, I said, I made a joke the other day because Anya was talking about someone she heard on some podcast or something that said, you know, this woman was having just kind of monotony or in her career at the age of

40 or whatever. And she was just like, I guess this is my life. And then her dad died and it made her like rethink everything. And I like hey can my dad die pretty soon because i would really like to like i need a i need something to like jolt me so it's kind of funny being like well maybe just like a heart attack and almost die it's what i it's the thing i want at least in the world but i know that when my dad dies and my mom but when my dad dies because i'm like daddy's girl the rock when i will it will something will happen i will start a jewelry business i will start pinning things on pinterest something there will be a giant shift probably

yeah buy a canoe um but anyway oh um what was i gonna say sometimes we need those shifts to like to push ourselves forward unfortunately it's like can be very sad i'm looking for one and do you know what i just because kirsten made a giant uh change in her life that were like she was kind of teeter-tottering no not that thing so she was teeter-tottering on a decision that she needed to make of like am i gonna do this thing or am i not gonna do it and the thing that made her decide to do it which i think is so dumb and i totally like rolled my eyes when she did it she saw a psychic and so i just wrote to kirsten psychic because i was like i need something mystical or some kind of push to like make me believe like make me make

a decision not that i even need to make a decision i just feel like i I just need a jolt. And I don't want anyone in my life to die. I don't want the jolt to happen from like a car accident. I want like maybe a psychic to really floor me with something. Now would it be here's the thing with psychics though. They're never negative. Like sometimes I wish they were negative just because that would jolt me. Yeah. Be like

well if you're on this path. Well this psychic doesn't know your last name. Doesn't look you up at all. And there's something about that that I feel good about. I almost wrote to her and was like, this is Nikki Glaser. Because I kind of like to tell people, so maybe they can Google me. Even if I wasn't famous, just so they know I'm not a crazy person. But I just said Nikki.

So I feel like... I'm excited. Me too. We'll see what happens. She hasn't written me back, but I predict... Dana White, who's the UFC. I know we have to wrap. He has the girliest name ever.

We have to go. Actually, you know what? Maybe we'll- Save it for next time? I don't know. Oh my God. I don't know. Stay tuned. We actually have a lot to get to next Monday.

I do want to preemptively say that we have an amazing song that someone had sex to that we are going to play on Monday's show that is so funny. I hope we get to it. We have your Dana White story. I'm going to Metric, to see Metric in Denver. This is the band Metric. I'm going to Jake Owen tomorrow night.

Andrew's going to see Jake Owen tomorrow night in St. Louis in St. Charles. I'm going to Denver with Noah and my friend Kat, and we're having a whole weekend. We're probably going to go to Columbine for a fourth time. I'm very excited. It'll be Noah's first. One for each kid. I have been to Columbine three times. I'm going to try to go four times in a year.

That'll be this weekend. I've got to get this call. Thank you guys for listening so much. Don't be clueless this weekend. And Jack Sparrow. The guy from White Stripes. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast.

Join late night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.