The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #285 Wrote It Beforehand

Episode Date: October 25, 2022

Nikki used her spare time between 18 sets over the weekend to listen to Taylor Swift's latest album Midnight non-stop. She, Andrew and Noa sharetheir notes on the album.  Nikki can relate  to the song Mastermind and recalls a time she wrote a TV segment to get her now boyfriend to notice her. While watching Love Is Blind, she concluded that saying something about herself would make the guy behind the wall bolt his door shut. Nikki and Andrew talk about shifting gears and putting out quantity over quality clips on social media. Although you'll never see ones of Nikki doing aimless crowd work. In the Top 1 Bottom 1 game they all debate the best and worst pizza toppings. And in the Final Thought, Nikki explains why she is ready to be attacked.  ----- Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Get Pod Merch: Podshop.NikkiGlaser.com Nikki's Tour Dates: www.nikkiglaser.com/tour Andrew's Tour Dates: www.andrewcollincomedy.com   More Nikki: IG More Andrew: IG  More producer Noa: IG  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki It's me Hi This is my podcast, it's me And Drew and Noah are waiting by patiently

Hey guys, how's it going? Welcome to the show, it's the Stinky Glazer Podcast It is Monday And it is the first Monday since Taylor Swift released her new album, Midnights, which has been my obsession over the weekend. I talked to Noah about it. I talked to Brenna about it. We are, Noah, I feel like, has become a convert since this album. Noah, what are your thoughts?

I mean, you got into it, I feel like, for me, which is so sweet. Well, a couple of things. One is, the best way that I can describe her voice on this album is very velvety. And I like that the album has a theme. It's not too poppy. It's kind of dark in in a way and her lyrics are very visceral. So surprised. Good lyrics. Oh, that's what

we love about Tay-Tay is those visceral lyrics. And this album especially is next level self-awareness, next level darkness. You know, even in her song, the anti-hero song, you know, the first verse is about

my depression and when i go into a depression all of the people i've ghosted are in the room with me and then she goes into being i'm a covert narcissist and i mean it gets like very and then she has a whole entire song about how she tricked a guy into loving her. The whole song is about like getting to I do. She's like, it's called Mastermind. Even Taylor's reading that book. She really,

I mean. Someone says she took a line from like you're stating the monster on the hill or something. Everyone's like. Yeah. Sexy baby.

Sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby and I'm a monster on the hill. Yeah. Okay. I just want to say sexy baby originated. feel like everybody is a sexy baby and i'm a monster on the hill yeah okay i just want to say sexy baby originated i did not steal it from that but i think it was just like i definitely heard it before but i i do say that halsey sings like a little sexy baby and i think it was first on 30 rock was um there's a character that's like because a lot of people wrote to me this weekend were like she definitely listens to the podcast sexy baby and i'm like i feel like i i feel like i said that knowing that people that i wasn't like inventing that i i hope that no one thinks that i stole that

i just i i think a sexy baby is like a part of the zeitgeist of the way we talk about girls voices now so i hope no one thinks that I think that I created that. But if it was the first time you heard it from me, it doesn't mean you're wrong. But it is a part of the zeitgeist that people say that. I think I first heard it on 30 Rock. But the Mastermind song, though, is like, you know, it was funny, Noah rewrote the lyrics this weekend

because I said it to both her and Anya, being like, this song is about getting to to both her and anya being like this song is about getting to i do and anya's like no way i'm like well no it's not actually about that would be insane but noah rewrote the lyrics and because anya hadn't listened to it yet and noah was like but i mean these lyrics are pretty insane she was like the she said that lyrics and she goes what if i told you none of it was accidental which is one of the actual lyrics and the first night that i saw you i made eye contact for five seconds i kept asking you questions about you without mentioning of without mention of myself 90 days of no sex with without exclusivity because i'm a mastermind was that chapter four yeah and and she wrote wow these

lyrics are from chapter one of getting to i do. And then Anya wrote, oh, shit, wow, the rules too? Doesn't the rules say five seconds? Or maybe that's Pat Allen. I think she's secretly obsessed with you, Nikki. And Noah's like, no, you would think that Taylor Swift would write no sex without exclusivity for 90 days. She's like, I went to Kirkwood High School. I dated a guy on and off for eight years.

I was on Last Comic Standing. It's like, this feels like me. Yeah. Well, I have to say the album does feel like me, but it is not because I think she knows anything about me. I feel like every woman of my age or anywhere in the wheelhouse, any woman really that can relate to this. It talks about depression.

It talks about feeling like self-loathing. It talks about feeling not good enough. It talks about feeling like you have to trick people into liking you. It feels like it talks about there is one song, though, that I don't think most people can relate to that does feel very me and it's called um i'm worth 400 million dollars it's called midnight rain and i doubt that there's a lot of high school girls uh relating to he wanted that uh, what is the lyrics?

It's about, you know, like dating a guy who just wants a simple life and you want to be famous or you like have a more complicated life, I guess. But it actually says he wanted it comfortable. I was chasing that fame. So it's talking about like pain and pain. Oh, yeah. So I love pain. But I think a lot of girls like pain so maybe they could relate to it i mean these that was the one i was just like holy shit like um you know she says my boy was a montage a slow motion love potion jump jumping off things in the ocean i broke his heart because he was nice so i think like

girls can relate to letting go of a guy because he's too nice but also i can really relate to like not i my lifestyle is the opposite of a guy who wants to jump off things into the ocean like i do not want to do that chris is always jumping off of things andrew you date a ledge head like doing like i don't want to date a guy who's an outdoorsy person. I do date one, but that's the difference between our speeds and the lifestyles we chose. But I really love that jumping off things in the ocean. I was like, oh my God. Every guy on Raya or when I used to be on the dating app,

would be jumping off of things outdoors. Off a boat. Off a boat, off a off a ledge off a cliff off a rope swing off their ex-girlfriend just anything get away just rebounding over to me i was um i would always be like oh god i can't and then she talks about a lot i mean she is she is a 34, I'm guessing, 33, 34, 1989, 33-year-old woman that is not married, has been with the same guy for six or seven years, is not pregnant yet. And I don't think there's many women out there who can relate to that. At 33, not having kids, being with a guy long term and not getting married not getting engaged that i very much relate to and um you know even in the song

midnight rain she says it came like a postcard picture perfect shiny family holiday peppermint candy but for him it's every day it was just like she's talking about like these lives that other people have that she just didn't want and he was like and then in this you know in the chorus it's like he wanted a bride i was making my own name chasing that fame he stayed the same all of me changed like midnight and just also like the idea that men don't really change they They kind of stag... It's harder to get men to like, maybe this isn't... Maybe you should

go talk to someone and work on things to change. It might be better for us. I related a lot to all of it. I just am obsessed with this album. I'm guessing, Andrew, you've been hearing obsessed with this album. I mean, I'm guessing Andrew, you have been hearing it on repeat too.

I have been hearing it. I, my only problem with it for my ears, for some reason, the music that she chooses behind it, I have trouble hearing her lyrics like compared to folklore and ever more. Like I, I love her,

how she writes. And for some reason, like something isn't registering with my ears of like the tone she's choosing listen to leer like you got to read the lyrics with yeah i almost have to read it because it's been that's the only thing everyone does though yeah well i mean i can't read while i'm driving you know that's what i'm listening to it that's what i'm listening to it yeah and uh and i feel like the songs like the music she's chose behind it like they kind of bleed into each other where like i and that's like my only complaint i mean i i've enjoyed listening it makes me calm i'm relaxed to it i like driving do it yeah i feel like with this album i can't

you know it's just not slow and simple. You like, I mean, look at who's behind you, Willie Nelson, just simple. And a guy on a jet ski, though, so I speed it up sometimes. Yeah, jump off things into the ocean. Yeah, I mean, she is, I first heard it from my dad being like, she talks too fast. It's too fast, too many lyrics. And even Anya said something about it yesterday, being like, there's too many, she's talking too many too many lyrics and even anya said something about it yesterday being like there's too many she's talking too much and i love that i i you've never done that that that's another realization i had mickey from listening to the album and then

you telling me there's like seven other bonus tracks yes i realized that like 3 a.m. yeah like there has been like a gap for me like i could have filled in a gap of knowing you better if i would have been like more invested in taylor swift because there's so much you have so many similarities with her in a way yes it's the it is like that's why like when my friends are a little reticent to listen to her or my boyfriend or my family, I'm like, then you don't care about knowing me. Like it actually feels like you don't want to meet my dog or something. Like it would be, I'm trying to relate it to someone who does it. It would be like you have no, it's this way, it's like reading my diary.

That's how I feel about Taylor Swift. Like that's how I'm, that's the way in which i'm sensitive that's the way in which i feel the things around me it just is i i wish it for everyone i wish everyone had this thing and i know i'm not alone i mean that's why she has such maniac fans is because we are all we all just feel so seen and And I had so many... This is the best weekend because I had so many people reaching out to me about her and telling me the songs they liked,

asking what songs I liked. It was just so fun to... Karma is a cat. I like that one. Karma is a cat. I love that. Chilling in my lap, purring in my lap, because it loves me.

Karma is my boyfriend. That's a really fun one. That's a fun song. I like, what's the one? The fight. Which one? It's something, the greatest fight, the greatest war. Oh, the great war.

Yeah, that one's good. I really like that one. So my ranking as of today is, I put it on my Instagram last night, but it's worth going over. And I know some people are like, we don't care, Nicky, talk about anything else. But it is, number one is Maroon. I think it just captures being in love.

And it's definitely about the night she met joe alwyn her boyfriend now and how uh she and and that that song mastermind is also about that same night of how she like concocted this night to like for them to meet and mastermind is so good because she just is so honest she's like what if i told you that none of this was fate like we did not end up in that room together because it was just a crazy night i planned it i planned that touch of your arm i planned like and i just relate to that because i think so many like even with chris he doesn't realize how much effort i was putting in before we got together and part of the lyrics in mastermind that i love so much are uh it's the bridge and she says when nobody wanted to play with me when i was a little kid and so i have

been scheming like a criminal ever since to get them to laugh and like me and uh like that's why i and then she on her song dear reader at the very end she pretty much says dear reader like um she's talking to us being like don't trust someone who's meant like who's not well like who you shouldn't don't look to me for like your life purpose and like for guidance I don't have it figured out either like I am not a reliable narrator narrator and then it kind of like flips everything on its head at the end she's like she's giving us this whole album at the end she's like but don't don't take me too seriously and how could we i mean she's we do take her seriously but she i you know work so hard in my stand-up to be so brutally honest and this album made me realize i'm not even close to getting to this level of it of like

artistic brutal honesty it was, it has inspired me. It's inspired my standup this weekend. I was like, I want to like go harder and deeper. Like, it's nice. Cause I always think I've revealed everything, but not like my character defects and my flaws and like those sickest parts of myself to say that you're a covert narcissist as Taylor Swift. I mean, I think that is the most revealing thing she has ever said about herself. And she is saying it from a perspective of like her self-loathing herself,

like she's calling herself one. And so she's maybe in the way that I'd be like, I'm so fat. And you'd be like, Nikki, you're not. You're like, she's doubling down. So she's maybe exaggerating because she doesn't really think she's one. But to even throw that out there is interesting because no one,

people have speculated that maybe, you know, her haters might think that about her, but no Swifties have ever thought that. And for her to feed that to us is very interesting. But mastermind, yeah, she's like, all the wisest women had to do it this way because we were born to be the pawn in every lover's game if you fail to plan you plan to fail strategy sets the scene for the tale i'm the wind in our

free-flowing sails and the liquor in our cocktails i liked that line because i'm like oh she's like i pictured her like getting him drunk and like i mean which i don't think she meant by that lyric what if i told you none of it was accidental and the first night that you saw me, I knew I wanted your body. I laid the groundwork and then just like clockwork, the dominoes cascaded in a line. What if I told you I'm a mastermind and now you're mine? It was all my design because I'm a mastermind.

Holy shit, I love it. It's just so honest. Yeah, I feel like also, I don't know if it takes away from the romance or whatever like if i learned that oh you know i actually planned some of this stuff i would almost be like that's even more romantic that you actually strategize to get my love like there's something really romantic to it that you put time in and did homework to get my heart you know what i mean like i don't really mind that that much you know well if i was just like how little men have to do because she's right women do have to try harder

men just kind of like are like i'm not saying all of them are but you guys kind of just we we have to look like we're not planning things and everything is accidental but it is i mean know what how much fucking thought did you give avi in your relationship in order to get it to end up the way it is i mean it was a full-time job at times you were with me it was but he would never know that unless i mean maybe now he knows it but he would never suspect all the amount of work and talking about with your friends and reading books and journaling about it memorizing things ultimatums to give him written by pat allen and like but it all comes off so casually like you didn't care i mean that is it's chris i used to he still doesn't believe me that i was so in love

with him and i had to figure out a way to get him to see me sexually. So I wrote a sketch in which I would take off my shirt so that he could see I had big boobs in front of him. And he still doesn't believe it. He still thinks that Alison Brie bit I did was all like, oh, it was just a good idea. But he was producing it, and I was like, I got to figure out a way for this guy to see my body because he's not seeing me sexually.

He's seeing me as a coworker. I need to get topless. And I didn't get totally topless, but I had had a nude bra on and you could see what was happening and he still thinks that i he's like i think you just make that story up and i'm like no i would have pitched something entirely different it started with what can i do around alice and brie because that was the segment he was producing that would get my top off and i wrote an entire thing around that um why do i love giving nine blowjobs a day? I wrote that for you. Like, I know it's-

Oh, you think I haven't said stuff like that? Yeah, yeah, I know. No, I think you have. That's not even an exaggeration. That's so like, or doing like standup and you mentioned I will do certain jokes to get something across to a guy that I like back in the day.

Like, I mean, there's so much overthinking because women just think so much and men don't as much last night we were watching love is blind have you guys it's so good there's a new season out and it was funny chris and i were on the couch watching it and um it's you know it's there's a wall up these two people can't see each other you guys know the premise and then they get engaged before they even see each other and these people fall madly in love it's so wild and um and then chris last night was like he never does this but he was so cute he was like what would you like because part of the thing they were getting to know each other and they're like what what should people know about you what should i know about you if we're going to be in a relationship like

what are the things and then he was like what would you tell someone across the wall like what to know about you and we had gotten into a little tiff earlier on the day so i think it was on both of our minds like are we going to share the things about ourselves to someone that we haven't met like we haven't been in a relationship with that led to the, like, neither of us would have predicted we are the people that led to that fight earlier today. But that is part of us that it was there even before we met. And so he was like, what would you tell someone? And I was like, I didn't really think about it because you just are like, what would I tell someone that I want to possibly be my husband that I'm meeting for the first time through a wall? I was like, you know, I would say Joe Rogan says I'm a lot. I changed my mind a lot. I am very,

um, I give people what they, I can be a people pleaser. A lot of times I can, I'm very sensitive. I'm obsessed with Taylor Swift. I care about animals and I would wish that my partner would eventually want to go vegan. I'm messy. I can be really mean, like think really dark, cruel, awful thoughts. And I like and I love

Columbine. And I love Columbine. And you just hear the door lock from the other side. He like adds another lock somehow he's like are you in there yeah i'm here still i'm here oh my god that does remind me there was one girl that's obsessed with exercise and this guy is sharing about his dad dying and the biggest tragedies of his life. And this girl is doing jumping jacks

on the other side of the wall and lunges. And at the end of it, he goes, and by the way, I can hear you doing jumping jacks. And she goes, oh no. And it totally ruins everything as it should. I was so mad at this girl. She's obsessed with exercising. It's so lame.

But she's doing obsessed with exercising it's so lame um but she's like doing like dips on the couch as he's like i was molested when i was four and she's like oh and she's not out of breath because she's like a workout queen yeah but he was able to hear it like the creaking of the couch he knew um but then i i was i turned the question i was like chris what about you what would you i go chris what should i know about you and i have like my notebook pretending to be the girl and he goes um that i have a girlfriend that i really love i don't even know why i'm on this show like i shouldn't be here and i was like trick question yeah did he really say that yeah he was just being funny uh but then he, he gave a good answer. He gave the perfect answer.

It was almost like he said, it was a funny way in which he could account for his most annoying traits to me in a way that was like charming and funny. And he didn't have to say like, it was his way of being like, I know this is hard for you to deal with and I'm working on it.

And that was really, it was like the nicest thing that, and it he started it i was like very impressed by this little like fun couples exercise so i do recommend watching love is blind with your partner and then yeah break it out that question because it gives the person a chance to like atone for the annoying parts of their personality we have to go to break but we'll come back with more right after this besties i don't know if you know but I have a new tour that is happening right now. It's called the Good Girl Tour. It is sweeping the nation starting out in Iowa this weekend. And then I'm in Reno. I'm in California. I have four different cities there. I am in Vermont. I am in Providence, Rhode Island, Memphis, Tennessee, Waterloo, New York, Hershey, Pennsylvania, Oklahoma City, Tulsa, St. Louis, Albany, Portland, Maine, New York, Hampton, New Hampshire.

And then I hit Europe. So those are all the cities I'm going to be reminding you. If you know anyone in those cities, let them know. They have a fun night of comedy awaiting them just down the street. You can go to NikkiLaser.com for tickets. I would love to see you there. As always, there are meet and greets available. If you go alone, I will grant you a free meet and greet. You just have to write me GOINGALONE in all caps, your name, and the city in which you're going to

see me. Nothing else. You don't even need to write thank you. If you write anything else, it will actually make it so I don't see the message. But you must start the message with GOINGALONE and don't follow it up with anything because otherwise I won't see it. It's very weird how it works. So thank you so much and I hope I get to meet you. And if you don't follow it up with anything because otherwise I won't see it. It's very weird how it works. So thank you so much, and I hope I get to meet you. And if you don't go alone, meet and greet tickets are available at the merch booth. And I've got some sick merch this time around too. I can't wait to see you. I can't wait to perform for you.

I can't wait to meet you. Come on out. Iowa this weekend and California next weekend. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors.

The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, we're back. Busy weekend here in LA. I did 18 sets in six days.

You're slowly getting back into it. 18 or 19. How was your voice after so many sets? Saturday, it was like I overdid it because I didn't also plan on working all day Thursday on a TV show that I did called That's My Jam, which with Jimmy Fallon and Jay Pharoah. And I don't want to give away the whole cast because it probably hasn't been announced. They'll be like, don't give it away. Even it's like you are on that show before.

Yes. So I just taped a second episode they called me like the night before um because i guess you know someone fell out but it was i love getting last minute bookings because that then i dread it for weeks not dread it but i like i'm like what am i gonna wear and this way it was just like couldn't even think about it um but it was really really fun and then on and then i had four sets that night. And then the next day I had to shoot this video for Vice. They're doing some documentary about sex in the 90s. And so I did a, you know, kind of a talking heads type interview thing in downtown Manhattan, which is just, you know, the whole time we're rolling. I'm like, why would you shoot anything in downtown LA? Why would you shoot anything in downtown LA? Like, we got interrupted by just a guy screaming another time

by, like, a guy playing trumpet, by ambulances, like, every three seconds. It was like, it was a nightmare. Like, I couldn't say too i had to repeat everything twice it was just downtown la is scary hotel cecil vibes and uh i'm sure there are people that live down there like it's amazing but yeah i know that trumpet player he's like cool he's like different we had to go pay him to move. Oh, really? Yeah, the PA went down. That's a smart move by him. He just picks the hot, like the most expensive building.

He's like, I'll make $300. I saw this woman. She had the best sign, a homeless woman. She goes, too ugly to be a prostitute. And that was her sign. And I just, I wanted to give her all the money. There's no such thing, honey. and I just I I wanted to give her all the money honey I thought it was like the best sales pitch I've ever read yeah I love a good um self-deprecating yeah the ones that are like I am gonna spend this on booze what else would I spend it on just being

honest we like honesty and too ugly to be a prostitute is but that it's it's not true if we've seen yeah i mean look i mean it's i don't want to give i'm not trying to like tell her like hey get out there and do it but i'll let her know she's here she gave her money though uh and how was the hand job oh yeah was fine. A little rackety. Rackety? I don't know if that's a word. I mean, you look a little rackety. There's a tennis racket that seemingly looks like it's coming out of your skull from behind you.

That old thing? It's funny. You know what? It just fell. It just fell. You know what kind of racket it is? What? A head. A head.

A head. Oh, shit. You don't even like to do you play tennis i did for a little while but now my hamstrings can't handle it you know okay i got them petty hams yeah whatever yeah no i played a lot i like you know i lived a retired lifestyle in florida for like six years and i would just play with a bunch of old people yeah like. Like literally like 55 and older, just class, group classes. And then just me. Was that before pickleball took over? Because now everyone plays pickleball.

This is pre-pickle. Yeah. Why did pickleball just suddenly come out? Like who is inventing new sports? I think it's just a mixture of ping pong and tennis. You don't have to try too hard. But where was it before why is it squash it was like squash like it was you know there were games similar that pickleball

is like the poor man squash i guess you know it's yeah anyone can play it it's easy i don't know yeah it's blowing up it's wild do you play it a little I mean, I would if anyone called me to be friends, you know? No, no, no. I think it's a fun sport. Yeah. But yeah, so you did four sets. That night. And then on Friday, I did four sets.

And then Saturday, I did four sets. And last night, I did one set. And also Saturday, we went to breakfast with Chris's coworkers. It was so fun. And then I was walking down in Santa Monica and walked past this kind of vintage-y store with cool old sports shirts and just my favorite kind of store. That's where I get a lot of my shirts.

You pay like $100 for these shirts, but they're just like any band you used to be into, any sport, anything like, and, but Chris had already called it. But it's like the real material, like that good half and half. Yeah, and this isn't Urban Outfitters like trying to recreate things on a nice feeling shirt. Yeah, it's like the only kind of age you can get from a shirt that's been around since 1986. Like it has to have have lived that life there's ways that they can kind of they try to

recreate it you know just have like they pay a lady to stomp on it with heels but it just doesn't it just doesn't do chris used to late leave his shirts out on his roof in brooklyn for like a year and the weather just rain and then snow and like and then he would get them in a year and they would all be like really that's smart i mean that's so patient used as shit rags by the homeless but that's when you know they're good yeah um so you walk in and it's like everything you want by the store and i kind of just was like oh i want to go in there but chris had already called our uber and i was like i kind of just want to go home i had to pee so bad so i walked by and then we're waiting on the corner for our uber like a few blocks away and i get a text from scott rogowski if you don't know who

that is he's a comedian and he used to be the host of hq trivia back when that was like oh yeah the biggest thing in the world hq trivia chris didn't know about it i'm like how did you miss hq trivia i think he was living in dubai at the. It was like the Wardle of video. Yes. It was huge. Like two years ago. Yes, absolutely. And so Scott wrote me and was like,

did you just walk by my store? And I'm like, oh, that's right. He has a store now. So it's called Quiz Daddy Vintage, and it's on Main Street in Santa Monica. And I was like, we'll cancel the Uber and come back. And so we went back in there. It was so much fun just hanging out with him.

I knew him from back in the... You knew Scott, right? I've met him like once or twice, but he has his own store. Like he opened like a store store. So this guy, he's been collecting shirts. Like Joda Rosa making the sandwich place. Listen, we can do everything. Comedians are just containing multichairs.

Sandwiches and old shirts. Yeah. Well, Scott began collecting in high school. He would go thrifting for himself, and he would come across a shirt that wouldn't fit him or maybe wasn't the team that he liked, but he's like, I can't leave this shirt for $2 that I know if it was my team, team i would pay so much so he started

just collecting these shirts and it just became his thing he would go on the road he would go thrifting and he amassed hundreds and hundreds of shirts collectors items and then he just decided he like had a website in 2003 that didn't really do anything and he was like i always kind of he and he goes i realized i haveCD. I was diagnosed with OCD. I was diagnosed with like ADHD. Like he was like, all these things helped me realize like, oh, I collect things. Everything's in pristine condition.

Like I am around like looking through the racks and he's like fixing the racks after I touch them. And I'm like this guy. And he goes, I just got diagnosed with OCD. I was like, I could have done that in 30 seconds. I could have told you this back in 2008 when I met you. But he has this store. It's so awesome.

And I found a sweatshirt. He gave me a half off. It was really nice. And he had a hamster and a dog there. It's just a cool store. And it was cool because Chris is kind of going reluctantly, like meeting my friends. And then Chris gets in there and Scott's like, into Cardinals here's my Cardinals rack you into

Mizzou here's the like he had so much stuff like and there were people that just kept walking in being like uh do you have this like minor league baseball team that's you know 20 miles outside of Philly and he's like I think I do back on this right like he's got everything so that's great quiz daddy it's qv qdv qdv quiz daddy vintage um on like instagram but i it was so much fun and then um then yeah saturday night a bunch of sets and chris came with me ran around town and then last night i just had one set and um i regretted taking it because i just wanted i'm i'm staying out on the west side so it's like 23 minutes for me to get to the improv from where I'm staying.

And that's with no traffic. And I, you know, the time of nights I'm leaving, there's no traffic. But it is just like, it's an hour total commute to go do one set. And it's sitting in an Uber and the Uber sometimes smell or they just have like loud music. It's just like,

I can't be on voice notes. I can't be talking to friends. So there's a little bit of that. That's annoying. But, um, last night I thought there would be no one at the improv. It's a Sunday night.

I, it's the first time I've ever worn athleisure on stage. Cause I was like on the couch watching love is blind. My hair was wet out of the shower. I have no makeup. And then all of a sudden I'm like, Oh shit, I gotta go. So I grab my makeup bag.

So you were singing a new Taylor Swift song there. That was really good lyrics. It really was. Like, whatever she just said, listen back and add music. No makeup on the couch watching Love is Blind. I've gotta do a set. It starts at 9.45.

Oh shit, it's 9.30 and I'm 23 minutes away texting Chris burns that i'm going to be so late so then i get in the uber and he lives in la yeah and so he it was his show i get there ali wong had just gotten off so it is completely sold out there are besties there that go bestie and these sweet girls that are so adorable were like there and um i got on stage and immediately apologized for my look even though i look like most men i put it like men wear exactly what i wear and it looks like they're dressed up but me i looked like a schlub and um had a fun set and um and then came home and then um all i've been able to do is think of Taylor Swift, though.

Like every morning I wake up with a new song in my head. I am about 50% of the lyrics memorized from 20 songs. And that's without trying. I got to put in some more effort. I want to get them all memorized. I want to start. I'm just overwhelmed with what her concerts are going to be, though. She has not been on tour since before lover since reputation.

So we now have the album lover that has never been performed live folklore evermore. All the re-releases from red and from fearless and now, um, midnights with the seven bonus tracks. There's literally a hundred new songs that are added to her repertoire of already 150 songs i don't think anyone has more of a catalog of music than she does and i'm stressed out about setlist oh it's coming yeah yeah apparently like it's it's you know people were speculating like i work for the bank of america center and someone has put her

this place on hold for five shows in the summer of 2023 so it gonna happen and i'm very excited um yeah how was your weekend andrew it was good i did shows all weekend heather mcmahon was in town and so i got her dude her crowds are just i can't even explain the amount of cheetah i saw some of it i think was real i think still alive it was it was fun it was literally like 98 women i started playing a game i go are you gay are you dui like if your wife is going to get a dui like that's why that's so funny that's so i just started playing with every guy like gay or dui gay or so now i i had fun i mean it's just like so many women like it i've never and are they classic like comedy fans stand-up comedy fans or is it a little bit of a half is

this like their first comedy show i think it's a little bit of that they're very like like encouraging like it almost feels like a like a ted talk kind of thing and then they're like oh shit you're telling like left turn jokes like like kind of thing but um it was a lot of fun it was uh she's so fun and you had a good time with her did you guys like hang out during the day do stuff uh not that much but like you know after show we went to sasha's wine bar like thursday night and that that's a great you know st louis nothing stays open past midnight. And I don't really understand these places. LA is an early city.

Well, we got to get up and farm. Yeah, we have to get up and farm. I like that. I like when places close early because then I get to go home early. There's no pressure to stay up. It's almost like a rainy weekend. Chris and I on Saturday were begging for it. It was so overcast.

We were like, can it please rain so we have an excuse to stay inside yeah but you're right it's like impossible yeah it happened a little bit it starts sprinkling on saturday night but yeah um that's just volcano ash it's like or some talk like models crying crying that was um i forgot to leave out that one part of it that was the most cool thing about this weekend is that you kind of there's not usually a lot of comedians in town or like headliners in town on the weekends because they're usually out on the road and so there's always like a couple and we're doing all those same shows but pat and oswald and i last weekend or this past week we're on the same like let's just binge sets like we even talked on saturday night we were like we've seen each other now like six times we've been on the same show six times we were on the

same show either he was bringing me up i was bringing him up and so and we've known each other he used he did my show not safe on comedy central and but we really got to know each other this week and it was so nice because it was almost like we were, like the way that you and Heather were working together, like Patton and I were working together. And then it all led to Saturday night and Patton and I were both like talking about, like that's the best way to get material written

is not to sit home and write, but it's just book as many sets as possible and don't leave even time to think. because we were talking about this theory of like he was like you and i read about it somewhere very recently but they did an experiment where they had people who had never done pottery before um work all month to make one pot and at the end of the month they work so hard work on one pot and at the end of the month that will be your pot and you could do it you could start over as much as you want but it's one and then they had another group of people that did a new pot every day and you just have to make a new pot every single day

by the end of the month the people that did the some people that were just on the one pot some people nailed it by the end of it but most the most successful people were the ones doing it every day and starting a new pot and just creating something every day as opposed to like and i think that's why i struggle with writing songs is because i want that first song to be perfect when really i should just make a bunch of shit every day write another shit thing and then by the end of it it will i'll figure it out and so i think we can all like kind of use that as an example of how to approach life is like stop obsessing over this one thing so much just make as much as possible and then you will slowly give yourself a little apprenticeship of what you want to accomplish and then when you get and you make it

then that pot eventually at the end of the month it's going to feel so fucking good because like you did so many little pots you know what i mean like it's the work that got there i don't know i think like but you want to you want the song to be great yeah yeah you want you want the song to be great but it's like i don't know i i just think like it's it's so hard to to put out a bunch of shit because it hurts right like you don't put it out as the thing you just give yourself a month like if you're gonna give yourself a month to put out a stand-up bit you know you're like i want this bit to be perfect in a month instead of just working on that bit or that set you're like like i just think that it's about just like working on just working all the time like constantly just

starting over and just and not not being precious about your work i think is the thing not being so like last night i got so mad like chris and i were like i was trying to get him to watch love is blind i had to go do a set and he's posting something for the courtney show and he is not someone who like goes on social media a lot and like knows the wild ways of it but i think this is a very common thing for even people who do do it a bunch but he is like you know he wants the music in the background of the story to be perfect he wants the caption to be perfect he wants the the clip to be exactly like the funniest parts that i'm like it doesn't matter that much like he had been working on in an hour and i go babe

i can't like you can't give this an hour of your time. Like, no one, people aren't even going to watch these. No offense. Like, I just know how it works. It's on your story for 24 hours. It doesn't even last longer than that. You cannot. And then I just started, like, mocking him. And, like, it became really fun because I'm like,

oh, he's still working on the music for it? For that little clip no one's going to watch? But it was, he needed me to kind of i it was it's weird because it's like i don't want to insult something that he cares about and he's working on but i also need to get it through to him like this preciousness is holding you up in life and i'm projecting to like being too precious about like you know when i put out clips online i don't i don't ever put out clips because they need i either put out a clip because i've just given up and i'm just like whatever i'm just gonna put it up and i don't look at it at all or i've just only picked the one that is perfect

and i think it just you just need to put out more stuff that being said i just got on the camera today and the first thing i bitched about was seeing like i'm you know we're waiting to start the show and i come across someone's video of their stand-up and i i've muted so many people on instagram from these shitty stand-up clips i can't take anymore talk about they're making a pot every day and i it does not hold water it is i need to see something better than this shit like i don't see their final product ever getting better i mean i know why they do it though they do it well i know why they do it for the algorithm no not just that though people don't want to even if it matters or not they don't want to release their actual material that would end up on an album or on a on a special so they put out crowd

work because right more. More material. That is my point. Right. More material that you don't care about. Right. Jokes that are just for that town or something like this crowd work stuff has got to stop. I am. Who likes watching crowd work?

Unless it's someone throwing a can at your head. I just can't. Your crowd work clip was actually like had some substance to it. But I am just like. There's some that are like eight seconds long it's literally eight seconds and it's like nothing happens nothing literally no the audience says something funny like the audience member has the joke and it's like let's put that guy on stage can everyone i'm just begging besties who are savvy consumers don't give these people the looks watches anymore like please i i we i just these people are getting too much validation for this stuff and like do not

be tricked into thinking this is funny really assess it like is this funny could i have come up with something funnier in like three seconds you probably could have because this stuff a lot of times they'll just go they'll repeat the person and then laugh and then it ends on the comedian laughing at the thing if you watch a clip and it ends with the comic laughing and that's or just like just it's just i don't know maybe i'm jealous because i do i need to make more pots every day but it's just it's not well you have you're in a situation where it would be if you put up like let's say you have a great new two minutes if you put that up would you have to burn it because it will be on hbo it will be on netflix for you i wouldn't feel bad about no because people that

watch hbo or people that watch fallon or people that watch they're not also on all the platforms and they forget and and there's no law about that like no it is shitty if you put a joke in a special then you do it in another special there's no laws against it but it's shitty and everyone will know you're a piece of shit but if you put something on instagram and then it ends up in a special no one even in the comedy community is gonna think that you're lame it's also like you stole that joke from you you you wrote that like like you plagiarized you that's as a fan it like makes me feel like oh i'm a better fan because i've i've already done that joke on instagram yes ah yeah yeah yeah i think like some comics

they'll do a thing where they go uh give me a topic at the end so then they do all these topical topics so then they have it for the for instagram so like especially during like check spots they'll be like what do you want to talk about and someone will go you know brad pitt or fucking north korea mark normand is good at that because he writes jokes beforehand for those subjects and sometimes he gets lucky that he can think of something funny but mark norm Norman doesn't put up every fucking thing he says that might get a titter of laughter. And I'm so tired.

There are people on Instagram. I guess it's just me being, I just should be positive about all of it. Everyone's doing great. And I'm happy for everyone that they found a way. That feels so much worse. I'm so happy that the bar for stand-up comedy is so fucking low. And you know what?

You'll see it when you go see these people live, how disappointing it is. They will not be able to sustain an hour. Crowd work is fun, and you can get away with doing it and getting laughs for at least four minutes. But if you're not actually good at it, that you have to return the material and these if you are going to see someone that only does crowd work and on instagram you're i think you might be disappointed when you see them but maybe i'm wrong um as somebody with podcasting even people will do like for tiktok they'll be like let's say like me and you like we write like out like you say this i'll say this and then you say that and then we'll both end in and go you know and that's real shit like people are like making fake contrived no they aren't

really i swear if you go on tiktok you can see that it's like literally like made up they're making scripted moments yeah everything's scripted the dances are scripted the conversation's scripted what's real like couples going have you seen you know some of the couples that like set up things in the kitchen like they just happen and it's the worst acting on earth that's my favorite subreddit it's something like it's one of my favorites it's it's like why was this being filmed and it's like it's just a subreddit that calls out let's take a break if you ever see it like it'll take a minute to think if you look at a clip and you're like oh my god that's so crazy that that happened think about

why was this being filmed because otherwise it's probably fake if there wasn't a natural can't like reason unless a ring camera caught it you know um it's so everything is fake and it's exhausting and i need to do more of it. I think that's why I'm resentful of it. I should just be positive. I should try to find the positives in it. Cause there are so many things on Instagram that I love so many clips and of people's that do delight me.

But I, I just don't. There is something nice that we both have partners that like, they don't care about getting views or like, they don't want to make those videos with us which sometimes i'm like god i kind of wish i dated a tiktoker and then i'm like and then i watch a tiktoker's video and i can only imagine how many times they went through and it was the whole day that was that girl that i got jealous of i sent her to noah the other day because noah was like who is that girl that you said was so triggering? And I was like, proceed with caution.

And I sent it. But her and her partner make so many videos together all the time. And I was so jealous because I'm like... And then you think about it, like really thinking. And you're like, thank God I could separate two things. Right. Thank God. Yes.

I love that too. I have a boyfriend who doesn't care about being famous, but also doesn't care about being famous doesn't and but also doesn't care if I am famous like that is because that is such a hard thing to find someone who like appreciates people who are famous like he loves Patton Oswalt he was totally delighted this weekend that we got to hang with certain people and like we get to hang out with Patton Oswalt I got to talk to him about Young Adult, which is one of my favorite films. We got to talk to him about Veep, which he is in.

And just, I mean, it was so cool. I talked to him about some theories I have about shooting my next special. And he was like, oh my God, I want to direct your next. Like we were just like having, we were bro-ing down. It was so fun.

That's awesome. But Chris was like, Chris is able to appreciate those moments and not be like jaded by them and be like, oh my God, that was so freaking cool. But also like not care that, not care to be the center of attention, which I don't relate to at all. I don't understand someone who doesn't want to be in the spotlight. I'm so grateful there are people like that, though, because it would be exhausting otherwise.

But you have the same thing. It's so nice. It is nice. I mean, you know, it's sometimes I mean, because she she is so much. She's gorgeous and obviously would help my like my algorithm would be better the more I pose. But then I feel like when you do put the camera on her she it's not like she's like no please like she's down it's up to you though to like do it yeah she's not like oh yeah yeah but it's fine like it's just like yeah when you see it it is like oh my god can you imagine if she was putting

up like thirst traps and like oh my god like yeah do makeup tutorials where she's just like you know bent in front of the camera showing off her tits and it's not really about the makeup, it's just about guys imagining cumming on her. She's like playing with a hose in the yard

and I'm like, we live in an apartment building. How did you even get in that yard? Whose hose is that? You would be, I mean, it would be so annoying to have someone

as needy as you and I on the other side of you and I. It's just, it would be, it could only be one person like this in a relationship. The other person needs to be a ledge head. Okay, let's get, we'll do top one, bottom one

when we get back after this. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else,

like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, we're back. Let's do top one, bottom one. Noah, what's this category today? Today's category is pizza topping pizza toppings which by the way are the only things i eat now i order it's my new favorite food i order a pizza a large pizza

with a ton of with yeah because it's too and with a ton of veggies um i don't do cheese because i'm vegan and then i just eat all the toppings and then I get a side salad and I have the crunch with the salad that I need that's like more of like it's not so wet and oh it is so good I've done it it's my new thing I'm no shame and then I send and then the people the

waitress comes to collect the plate and she's just like okay and I'm like I know I wasted a crust but like it's too hard to explain what i want and you guys don't have the ability to make it back there unless the crust is the plate yeah it actually makes sense yeah yeah the crust just acts as the perfect like little bowl for it yeah yeah it's great but let's talk about toppings um um let's start with bottom the worst topping god it really depends on who's making the pizza too.

Right? Like for me, like certain places like pepperoni would be great, but in other places they're too thick and it's like too much. Well, let's say where you go, this is, you're going to a new pizza place that you don't know anything about. And you're just like, you've heard they have the best toppings. They have the best version of everything. So let's just assume they have the best version of everything.

So worst for me is going to probably be controversial. Mushrooms. Can't stand them. Don't like them. I don't understand the texture. I feel like I'm eating a rubber sole of a shoe. It doesn't do anything for me.

I thought you meant the sole. S-O-U-L. I did. The shoe's soul. Yeah. I'm a shoe. Which is almost worse than the actual S-O-L-E. Because the shoe's soul is just like, I've been walked on my whole life.

That's a mushroom. Yeah. And they claim to be a fun guy. They're not. Yeah. Oh, pun. Fun guy.. Yeah. Oh, pun. Pun guy. Hey, clip that, Noah.

Just that part. Oh, my God. We wrote it out beforehand. That was a great job, Andrew. You really made it seem like just off the cuff. Thanks, man. Thanks. And scene.

Okay, cool. Cool. Cool. We got it. We got it. Mushrooms. Interesting. Noah, We got it. We got it. Mushrooms. Interesting. Noah, what is your least fave?

I just want to wholeheartedly disagree with Andrew's mushrooms. Okay. Okay. I do too. I knew it. Let me just say, if we're going mushrooms. Okay, go pro mushroom. Tell me what's great about a mushroom.

Fresh mushrooms are amazing. A fresh mushroom, I want the mushroom to be dry. I don't like marinated mushrooms. I don't like canned mushrooms. Well, that's what a fresh mushroom like i want the mushroom to be dry i don't like marinated mushrooms i don't like canned mushrooms that's disgusting no i i get fresh mushrooms all the time on pizzas and that's delicious okay i like eating raw mushrooms but i like cooked mushrooms yeah but if they're raw and they go in the pizza raw they'll get cooked in the oven yes yes yes okay okay we agree my least favorite topping which i find to be so disgusting on a When they go in the pizza raw, they'll get cooked in the oven. Yes. Yes. Yes. Okay. Okay. We agree. My least favorite topping, which I find to be so disgusting on a pizza. Can I guess?

Sure. Sausage? No. But you're close. It's chicken. Chicken on a pizza. I am so disgusted by chicken and cheese. It just grosses me. It's disgusting. Oh, that tick tickled me i don't know why

it tickled me really so even like chicken like um a chicken parm like you don't like that no chicken and cheese what do you like with chicken just barbecue oh yeah that's fine but just the thought of like two separate animals coming together like that, like the chicken with like the milk that is supposed to be for like the baby calf. Like I just, it just disgusts me. I don't know.

You're so close to being a vegan. Yeah. Oh man. Some chicken pizzas, chicken and broccoli they would do with like ricotta. It's pretty good. Like I've never loved a chicken on a pizza when i used to eat chicken even like even the barbecue chicken pizza at cpk when i used to work there people used to love that and i get it but it's not it just doesn't

feel like pizza it just feels like an entirely different dish um my least favorite topping is any kind of olive i hate the cheese Wait, what did you say, Kanye? Any kind of olive? No, you said, I hate the juice. And I was like, what does that have to do with it? Oh, I hate the juice. Yeah. It's like, Jesus Christ, Nikki. I just picture olives having a lot of juice with them,

and I don't like it. But if I just, and the soul of an olive is just, it penetrates, it makes the whole pizza turn into an olive I don't like it with the grapefruit it takes over everything but a green olive I've never even seen that on a pizza but that disgusts me

so much to think of like the little pimento like that little piece of that red part disgusting the texture of olives just go fuck yourself I don't mind an olive spread anyone that put olives on their fingers those fucking freaks have you ever seen those people oh look at that i got olive fingers my little brother used to eat them out of the can and i get it i get liking like i love i love eating gigantic amounts of pickles i love eating

pepperoncinis it's got crunch yes it has crunch it's not just like a home like it's just like mushroom mushroomy but almost more texture yikes and the the taste is just so bitter uh not a fan um and they're like they're so packed with like i mean i know they have a lot of good stuff in it for you but like that that's very a very caloric vegetable for too much for me like i just i don't mind a martini i actually don't mind i don't mind olive taste or like the olive spread it's the texture i don't like any taste of it i don't like i don't like pimento spread any kind kind of spread. Yeah. Okay. So that's mine. Let's do the best pizza topping. Best pizza topping.

I would have to say green pepper. What? Green pepper? I don't know why. I don't know. Yeah. What? I almost said pineapple, and I thought that would blow the roof off.

No, I mean, I guess people can go either. But green pepper, like why green pepper too, by the way, when I buy mini peppers to like eat out of the bag, they are red, they are yellow, and they are orange. There is no greens because green are gross. They have a different taste. Why are green peppers the number one pepper for pizza? Why not red peppers?

Why not yellow peppers? Why not orange peppers orange peppers i think i don't know i think the green sticks out from the tomato sauce you eat them on anything else do you eat green peppers in any other way i used to be addicted to pepper green peppers my grandma would cut them up and i don't know i loved them i don't know i was really into peppers do you like red peppers and yellow peppers do you ever eat those i eat them like an apple. I love them. I don't discriminate. I don't see color. But there's a difference between them, Andrew.

Oh, there is? The taste of a green pepper is so different than a red or a yellow pepper. You don't know the difference? Honestly, I really don't. I'm not playing dumb here. Maybe the other ones are sweeter. A green pepper is cheaper. It's always cheaper at the supermarket.

It is. And maybe that's why it's a more popular topping. I never, maybe the other ones are sweeter. A green pepper is cheaper. It's always cheaper at the supermarket. It is. And maybe that's why it's a more popular topping. Try, next time you do, try a green pepper and a red pepper. Like, see how they taste different because they are vastly different. Green peppers have no sweetness to them. I love onions. Like a sauteed onion. Caramelized onion.

Yeah. Caramelized onion. But I would think green peppers would think i'm getting so fucking hungry i know that sounds so good uh noah what is your favorite pizza topping so pepper i don't know what i maybe i didn't go meat because you got because you're vegan maybe i didn't go you would put meat you would pick meat otherwise well green pepper with pepperoni so i guess they kind of go together like some of these best toppings need a friend okay and they come together as a team point yeah yeah okay all right

well i guess i'm thinking about like if i would see this on the menu i would definitely order it and i gotta say i love figs on a pizza whoa dude noah's wild dude it's just wild if i've never even seen a fig on a pizza am i not i just i'm not in fancy enough places maybe i had a fig and bone marrow pizza one time which bone marrow was surprisingly so good oh my god i mean i wouldn't eat it now but that was delicious if you are someone who eats animals, I would. Figs, they have the drizzle. Isn't it like drizzled with honey? That's the kind of pizza is like figs.

Yeah, maybe. Usually with balsamic. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, balsamic. That's it. Yeah. Figs, do you know are. I fuck with figs.

I like figs. Wasps. They have wasps in them. What? Like a fig cannot exist without a wasp dying inside of it. What? I don't know if that's true. I don't know about that.

Google it. Google it. This is so true. I promise you. I think this is the most wild statement we've ever heard on this podcast. Who wants to bet me? What's an apocrot? A bunch of bees?

Andrew, that wasn't the line that we rehearsed for this clip. Hey, cool. Look into it, Noah. Okay, go on. Andrew. That wasn't the line that we rehearsed for this clip. Hey! Cool. Look into it, Noah. Look into it. FIG. WASP. FIG. Alright. It's like a whole big article. I have to read this.

We will get to it. Are there WASPs in FIGS? Here's the answer. everyone recently dropped a fortune on a hall of purplish figs at the farmer's market what was i going to make what wasn't i going to make that's an article of mine i learned that many figs are pollinated by fig wasps and that those tiny bugs die inside each fleshy pod the bounty in my fridge suddenly took on a sinister quality i needed to know were all my figs filled with dead wasps? The answer I learned is both yes and no. Okay.

All right. Figs have many secrets. They are actually inverted flowers. Each hollow ball of vegetal tissue is lined with hundreds of tiny buds that bloom inside the pod.

The flowerettes in certain edible varieties produce a fruit-covered seed, which is what gives figs some of their iconic crunch. Technically, they're known as aggregate buddha buddha

who gives a shit. These days, many of the figs varieties that we buy in grocery stores and at the farmer's market in the u.s don't require pollination okay so the ones that don't require pollination so what's the deal with fig wasp because sweet shy figs bloom internally many of the 800 plus varieties across the world require an intimate type of pollination to ripen into an edible fruit all figs are made up of both male and female flowers, but the ones we eat are generally harvested from Diocegious species.

Deciduous. No, it's D-I-O-E-C-I-O-U-S. Diocegious. In these, about 400 varieties, all the figs on each tree behave as... Get to the wasps, bitch! To pollinate these species, a female fig wasp, just a couple of millimeters long, forces her way into a non-edible, unripe male behaving fig where she lays her eggs and the flowers.

Along the way, her antennas snap and her wings are yanked from her body. It's a tight squeeze, says Shanahan, leaving her no way out. Her wingless male offspring mate with the winged female offspring, yes, their sisters, before using their huge jaws to chomp tunnels through the fig that will allow the ladies to leave but before she bids adieu that fertilized female wasp collects pollen from the male flowers then she squeezes who gives a shit there's wasps and figs is all i'm saying it is a thing and the ones that don't have them are engineered by humans but most figs have a dead wasp inside them i rest my case um so noah likes dead wasps on her pizza good to know um my favorite pizza topping is also a combo but because i'm a vegan i can't add one of the things broccoli broccoli on pizza is my favorite thing ever if

you have that on your menu i will eat your pizza i i will not eat the toppings of the pizza if it doesn't have broccoli involved it's such an essential item but i will say if i was still a if i was a non-vegan ricotta ricotta on a pizza a ricotta dollop which by the way vegan ricotta i'll just go there vegan ricotta, I'll just go there. Vegan ricotta on a pizza, the best thing. I just love that creamy dollop. I love a little bulb of ricotta. It's so freaking good. Do you like it with garlic? Garlic on pizza is good too, but I don't like bulbs of garlic.

It's too much. It looks like a little gusher of garlic, and it makes your breath stink and your body sink for like days. Ricotta. I learned that you can add it to any pasta. And that didn't hit me until I was 41 years old that you can you can make anything a lasagna. Any kind of Italian dish. It's so creamy and it's light and it's fluffy and it's so good.

You don't have to wait for lasagna to have ricotta. Even if you have cold ricotta in your refrigerator and you get a pizza, just put some cold ricotta. That coolness on top of the hot pizza is delicious. Ricotta is so good. More ricotta.

I'm with you there. More ricotta. Put it in your spaghetti. Put it on there. Put it anywhere. Put it on a turkey sandwich.. Put it in your spaghetti. Put it on there. Put it anywhere. Put it on a turkey sandwich. Put it on something not Italian. We're so hungry. Just don't wait till lasagna to have ricotta. Put it on your fucking chicken.

Have you guys been going out to eat a lot recently, Andrew? Have you guys gone to any good places? You went to Sasha's. Well, the other night doing shows, Antonio's T's tavarna the one that's up on the hill that's like famous brought it toasted raves and like all toasted ravioli i i do enjoy a toasted rave it's a st louis tradition yeah it's a st louis tradition i i don't know if i like a ravioli with meat over cheese you know what i mean like or like other stuffing i only remember them having meat in them when i yeah they all have me child oh yeah they all have meat i guess

that's the other thing i like the dusting of parm i like a little oh yeah parm dust is solid and then i love a a red sauce i always get red sauce on the side i got broccolini this weekend and i was just dipping it like picking up by the stock and dipping it in the tomato sauce and going i'm just lowering it into my mouth it is like i feel like that's my problem with most pizza places they do not put enough fucking sauce do you ask for extra sauce even extra well i need to get it on the side and order it extra sauce i learned it from my dad get extra sauce on the pie and then also get a little get sides of sauce if you're dining in like gotta get it yeah you gotta get extra sauce i love sauce so much love dressing love but i mean i i will have to say like i

combine i put things on top of salads all the time final thought chris and i went to brunch yesterday and this place had nothing for me they had like vegan burritos i don't really eat bread on top of salads all the time. Final thought, Chris and I went to brunch yesterday and this place had nothing for me. They had like vegan burritos. I don't really eat bread or carbs. Don't come at me about it. It's just a thing. I just don't, I would rather eat anything else than that.

Like it's just, it just feels to me like a waste of food. Like I don't taste it enough. It's too dense. I want to eat like, I can eat like six plates of vegetables for one tortilla. I would rather eat vegetables. So, cause I like to consume mass quantities. So I'm like, maybe I'll just eat the insides of this burrito. Oh God, I'm so bummed. And then I saw that they had scrambles on the side. And then, um, they had like, I just made a plate of sides. I got two tofu scrambles with kale then i got some fake bacon then i got a side salad so i have literally made this meal i have four sides and i and then the genius of just

always getting a side salad and then getting sides and then you put it you all you mix it in the salad so i had a tofu scramble with kale on top of a salad with tempeh bacon inside and i mixed it all together and i put sriracha and i put some of the salad dressing and it was just this big mash of deliciousness and i'm gonna go back there every day of my life because it was the best meal and i'm thinking about it right now it was so freaking good but i just no more shame about like i have to eat exactly what they give me or like i feel so scared of making adjustments like i am all for having a meal made of appetizers or just sauce i go to an italian restaurant i don't eat pasta and i start to freak out because i don't like pasta

and i'm like everyone's gonna be mad at me and they're gonna think i'm like dieting i just don't want pasta for my dinner i get a bunch of fucking sides and then i get a side salad i have that fresh crunch with the cooked vegetable on top you have the crunch and you have the lightness then you have like the the oily like veg oh it's so good and then the red sauce that you can dip all over it's so freaking good um being a vegan can be so fucking amazing and i i love it i love the food that i get to eat and like all the combinations i get to come up with and oh it's my mouth is watering i'm so fucking hungry and i don't know why i already ate breakfast yeah this is stupid i'm so hungry um chris over the weekend you know i told you last week that he got um i got that new like ring that is for self-defense you know yes yeah the knife ring well then chris on top of that because i was

telling him like you know i get scared running and he like really understood it and i was like and also this you know i he feels like he like kind of drug me out here because it's his job that he's working on here and so i think that he's like any kind of alarm i have he wants to like assuage my fears so he bought me a mace to wear oh it matches yeah it's pink pink mace it matches matches my ring it matches the mic um and i was so happy about it and then a box arrived the next day and it's another mace and i go what you think i'm gonna run out of mace what's going on here like you think i'm gonna use why do i need two and he's like take it take back take back you have to be careful because your because one for you to like

oh is it sorry we didn't get it if you're sorry andrew yeah it's a wrap oh the mace with the the way the wind blows yes just be careful when you use it outside because you could just go back in your face oh i always i had a joke before that was like, I can't use mace because I'll, unless I can spray it and then have the criminal like walk through it like I do with perfume. Like I never get perfume. I never spray in the right direction. However, this is the gel kind, which I've always been recommended is better than like the spray kind because the gel will be direct. Oh, that shit shoots like hard like he also got me a armband that shoots off a insanely loud noise up to 130 decibel alarm heard up to a thousand feet 300 meters away so i am ready to be attacked at any

time so come at me it's like that thing though it's like if you bring out all that then you are gonna get attacked like you know what i mean like i don't know i don't know if it's like the secret like oh if i bring all this shit like if if i'm running without anything maybe it's less i'll tell you when i run without anything i get really scared like when it starts to get like dark i just start to get like i start to jump at the smallest thing like i just like someone asked me for direction i was like ah and i like jump into a i start fighting back like but if i'm already have these things i'm not i just feel okay and it's nice to like when you know when i used to have the tiger lady and i would use that to be going to a parking lot and a little bit nervous i just know i'm ready like there's

there's so many times i found myself as a woman where i'm like i am not ready at all i would i would get um that's how i feel about knowing jujitsu and self-defense. I know. I wish I wanted to learn that stuff, but I don't. I just can't wait for you to get your pink AR-15. It's so true. Everything. Oh, here's the Amazon guy now.

I mean, does Amazon sell guns? I guess they can't but they they would if they could oh for sure i'm sure in some states maybe yeah i don't know i'll try to get one maybe i get one here i watched the last dommer did you guys did you watch that yet andrew wait no what's that the last episode you watched the last episode i did watch the last episode of dommer yeah first and last book that's so weird that you watched the last one. Green Pepper and Pepperoni, yeah. Yeah, we watched it the other night. Chris fell asleep as we were watching it,

so I had to live his death alone, but I was so scared. It was really good and interesting. I just think that series is so well done, and I'm sad so far because it was great. And it opened with John Wayne Gacy. The last episode is John Wayne Gacy. The last episode is John Wayne Gacy.

Oh, yeah. I also watched like the first the first ep and then the last one. So like him dying at the end, like I felt sad

because like I didn't watch all his murders. Yeah. So like I was you know what I mean? Like I was just like, why is this poor guy who found religion

getting murdered? Yeah. That's so interesting. He wanted to sweep and and i mean i thought his dad was like the most sympathetic character of the whole thing was so sad to me like and how and i cried when his dad said he forgave him is that is what i think that's the feat of that show is that it's a you're able to find humanity in this person that was like not had no remorse or like no decency for someone who was not really human but who really like that's what john or you know um dommer is in jail when john wangasey gets caught and they're comparing the two and he's like i don't

think i'm anything like him this guy he won't admit to what he did i admitted everything he's saying that it's a lie i say i i did it all and it's like that is that is unfortunate you can kind of see the sadness in him of like why am i this way i really couldn't help but be like this and even nisi nash's character is like, I know that there's something wrong with his brain and that he couldn't help it, but I can't help but hate him. I hate him and I want pain to happen to him. And there was something I liked about it because I'm a big advocate of there's no free will

and people that act in these heinous ways really don't have a choice. They were always going to do it. If you had their brain, you would do it it too you would do everything that these people did um if you had dommer's brain you would have dommered there's nothing if you had his life his family if you grew up like him you would have done the exact there's nothing that you would have done differently it's like like it's just because he was given that brain and you were given yours and it's easy for us to go how could he he do that? It's like, but you don't. So I owe it ever since reading Free Will by Sam Harris.

I've felt that way about any kind of criminal, any kind of person. I still get mad at people and go, how could they do that? But I can always kind of get to the place of like, well, it's not their fault. I'm just lucky I didn't have that brain to post that clip of me doing terrible crowd work. It's not their fault that they think that's a good idea. But I thought this show actually uncovered that and gave people a little insight into their not being free will and that no one really has a choice in the matter of things, which is a sensitive subject, I know.

We have to go. We're going to be here all week. This is just the beginning of the show. I'm going to Atlanta on Wednesday to shoot a show on thursday and then i'm gonna be on the road um but i'm gonna be in la until december living my life here out in santa monica i went and viewed a house yesterday to or a condo that was next to the airbnb i'm staying at to just tour around and look inside and just you you know, starting to think about the future.

But buying a house, I just, I don't think I can do it. It just seems like too much money and you're responsible for everything. And I just, I don't know. I don't understand why people buy houses or have kids. I wish Taylor Swift had a thing about not buying houses too, a song about that. It's easier with a landlord. Well, she buys the house. That would be the song.

She bought, you know what I mean? She had the money to buy a house. Well, there is a house where she goes, and then it was bought by me. Where she's talking about a house. So that was ironic that you said that. It's called The Last Great American Dynasty if you want to look at it.

Okay, guys, we'll be talking Taylor Swift all this week. If you have any questions specifically about that, I'd love to answer them on the show. Oh, I didn't get to the controversial moment in the anti-hero video

where she stands on a scale and it says fat. People are freaking out about it. We'll talk about it tomorrow on the show. I'll give you my hot take. Thank you so much for listening to the show.

Don't be cuh. And Jack Antonoff is a producer on Nice. I was going to say Antonoff too, I swear. Man. I couldn't think of his Is a producer I was gonna say Antonoff too I swear Man I couldn't think of his last name I was just gonna say The guy from Bleachers

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