The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #286 No Midnights Package

Episode Date: October 26, 2022

Nikki is sorta distraught over big life commitments and wonders how people go through with them. She gets emotional about feeling that her friendship efforts are not being seen by someone who is the most special to her in the entertainment industry. Taylor Swift on Jimmy Fallon inspires a guessing game. You Heard It Here First, an odd self defense technique for a subway attack and how to tell someone is lying. Nikki shows Andrew her Reddit Dump and they have a good laugh over ketchup alternatives and really bad lyrics. In The Final Thought Andrew finds a new motivational speaker to like. ---- Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Get Pod Merch: Podshop.NikkiGlaser.com Nikki's Tour Dates: www.nikkiglaser.com/tour Andrew's Tour Dates: www.andrewcollincomedy.com   More Nikki: IG More Andrew: IG  More producer Noa: IG  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

The Nikki Glaser Podcast. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast I'm the problem, it's me Happy Tuesday It's beautiful in Los Angeles I resent it I just want it to be not nice one of these days

So I can't stay in bed all day, I have a long day But man, it is I had a fantasy yesterday that I wish that I got hit by an air conditioner unit or a car. And I didn't feel it, but I just woke up in a hospital bed. And they're like, you can't move for the next

three months. That was my fantasy. A whole-blown fantasy I had of like, I don't want to feel the pain, but I just want to open my eyes and be like, the last thing i remember was walking down the street and then all of a sudden people are around me being and there's like beep beep beep and like i can see through gauze and someone's feeding me like peaches and i get to just be in bed for three months and have people take care of me when i got my operation said mr

mr lady two days ago maybe that's what it caused it remember in adam sandler's movie or no ben stiller huh oh no no or is it adam sandler who gets hit with the air conditioner falls and ah mr mr oh maybe that was um billy madison i feel like his mom his mom his grandma's in a nursing home yeah no your your fingers hurt well your back's gonna hurt because you got oh yeah it's ben stiller's role in i'm really glad we went down this uh path i'm just saying it's probably what caused a dream oh the air conditioner thing no i'm just like thinking of what what can make you like incapacitated really fast where people just that's what i want is like i love when people are in car accidents and they wake up and they go i didn't even remember it because that's my biggest fear

is like being in an accident and going no no no no no which is what happened when i almost got hit by a car i go no no no no i did get hit by a car and i remember saying no no no no no but i just wish i just am exhausted i'm just like i am too i just don't know what the with people who get out of bed every morning and go like i'm so excited to be awake what is that like and what is that like to want kids like my friends who want kids why would you want more responsibility in life i just don't understand. I feel so disconnected from my fellow American because I don't want kids. I want things to make my life easier. I just don't want, I don't want to, I don't want to do any more things, but I feel compelled to always say yes to everything

because I feel like other people, I'm just jealous of people who don't need sleep as much as I do. Like I need, I slept eight hours last night and I want more. It's not enough. I'm good. I want to, I canceled a lunch I have today because I need more of a nap today. And I can't even get that nap because I have to be on TV in two days

and I don't have earrings for it because I left my earrings the other day at this Jimmy Fallon taping and I have to go buy earrings and that is stressing me out so much to get earrings. I don't know what kind I want. I don't know where to go. It's just like one of those days. What dumb problems to have. But that is what is distressing me. I have to do a podcast later and I feel like all their fans hate women and I'm just going to go on and I don't even know how to act because if I act myself, then they won't like me

and if I try to act the way they want me to, then I have to give away a part of myself. It's just like, I don't even know what to do. Like, I feel like there's no winning. I'm just going to make new enemies. Like, no one's going to be, it's like Trump voters

or even Biden voters. Like, we're never going to be swayed the other way. They already don't like me. Why am I even going on this podcast? I'm just going to make more enemies. Um, what time did you go to bed? Did you have spots last night?

No, I didn't have any spots last night. Oh, so you just couldn't fall asleep early. I don't know. I mean, I went to bed at 12 and I woke up at eight. All right.

I mean, it's not bad. I mean, I mean, there's no judgment, but it's like trying to get to bed earlier. Why would there be judgment? I'm saying I went to bed,

I had eight hours of sleep, which is what people get. And I'm saying it's still not enough. I'm not saying I didn't get enough sleep. You want more because you're stressed. I already want more. When really, most people need six to nine hours of sleep. I mean, eight is actually more sleep than most people

get and it's still not enough for me what is wrong with me why does everyone like everyone i know is like i had six hours last night and i'm still going like there's this like mentality of as we know the capitalistic like american mentality of like less sleep more work like if you work more you're more worthy of love and like i just i don't know i'm just exhausted by some people have no choice they just have to get up and go to their ssdj and they just need to keep that ssdj for now because everything has gone up so much and they just have to deal with it i know but they still like go out on the weekends like they still go to halloween parties whereas if i had an ssdj i would not go to on the weekends. They still go to Halloween parties, whereas if I had an SSDJ,

I would not go to Halloween parties. People still want kids and they have an SSDJ. If I had that, which I do have crazy hours that keep me sleepless. I'm not going to get a good night's sleep from Wednesday until Tuesday, starting tomorrow, because of all the travel and all the work I have to do.

So I get it, but I don't want kids. Like I'm making choices that don't add more stress to my life, but I wish that I did want kids. If that makes any sense. Why do people want kids when they already are exhausted? All my friends are exhausted and they're still trying to have kids. What's wrong with me?

Nothing. They still try to, they still want to make fall pots. My point is, is that they that you even on a non-work day stay up till 12 o'clock a lot of these people are going to bed you're saying oh they're early morning risers they go to fucking sleep at 10 p.m i'm not kidding you andrew i'm the people that they're most people in america exist on six hours of sleep a night and that is so little sleep but most people do that regardless of no matter what time they're going to sleep i'm saying why do people like to add more stress to their lives like some my friend like anya wants to go she's someone who like likes leisure life she looks like was is dying to like go stay at her

parents house and like gut their house and like redo it so that they can like sell it she's like so excited about the idea of that and i'm like why am i not a woman who wants to do stuff like that i don't want to do any of this stuff like i just like i can't yeah but you feel you fill all your time with other shit you're not just sitting there idle if you were someone that goes i don't want to do any of this and then you don't do anything and you're just sitting there i don't do anything i don't do anything i do a podcast i sit down and record a podcast and then i just send files and then i go lay in bed and i read a book until i fall asleep then i wake up i eat i eat i get a coffee and then i go back into bed and read a book until i fall asleep and then i eventually maybe do something because chris is like i'm getting off work let's go to dinner so

then i go to dinner and i'm still so tired and then if i have sets i'll go do them but they i just show up it's not like i'm like i don't know it's not the same as like i want to go have a kid like it's not it's not a choice for me. Like my sets are an SSDJ. They're not a choice. They have to be done in order for me to make money and make a living. I'm talking about adding other things to your life, like parties, socializing,

dinners, fall pots, meal prep, cooking, decorating your house, buying new sconces, buying bed linens, going shopping with your friends,

going to buy new earrings having kids buying a new car going to look at real estate going um like these are all things that i'm just like why how does anyone have hobbies and add to their life these stressful things or like go to the zoo with your niece and nephew go like everything feels like a chore to me everything what i've noticed as someone that is very similar to you in the sense of like if i lost something or if i like have to go buy something i overthink it like fuck i gotta go to target i gotta go down the aisle i gotta see people i gotta be around people i gotta find parking like all those thoughts go through my head and i and then it paralyzes me

and then i don't do shit but lately somehow like last night brenna was like i could really i really need tampons and drano i don't know if that goes together but um and i was like and i was like i'll just go i'll just go it would be nice to have a drano that kind of thing that you could drink and it would flush all your period out or you just pour it in straight liquid source yeah and uh and i was like i just went to target and i realized these things they take fucking 30 minutes like there we put them on a pedestal they're so easy to do and we're like how can these people do them because it's fucking easy that doesn't stress me out at all going to get drano and tampons for my girlfriend would not

stress me out because that you know where to go there's one place to get it target schnooks deerbergs walgreens you can get all that there when i'm getting earrings it's like do i get gold plated do i get gold do i spend a lot of money on that do i go to forever 21 and just get shitty ones do i go to target and just get shitty ones do i order online do i order from poshmark like that's what i'm talking about i'm talking about when i walk down montana avenue in like fucking santa monica and there's 18 different skin places where I can go and make my skin better so that people like me more. And I just don't,

there's four different Pilates studios within five blocks. Which one do you go to? How does anyone make a choice? Yeah. But I get what you're saying too of like, just, you know. You just do it. You just pick one.

Just fucking pick one. don't even think about your thing is a chore your thing is like a thing you have to do brenna needs tampons brenna you guys need drano because you like shit a lot but like because she's flushing her tampons like you guys need these things i'm talking about when people are like i want to go like like i don't know redo landscape my yard i want a new yard i want to like my yard to look nice or i want to redo my kitchen i don't like this granite countertop yeah i in a million years would never give a fuck about new granite countertop it would never occur to me that would require looking at new granite having an expert come over and having to be like do you want some water?

Oh, the weather outside is nice. All this bullshit, small talk. How long have you been working for this business? They get out their big book. You flip through it. They have you to talk to them for like an hour when I would just want to

pick out things online and just guess. But like, I have a boyfriend like Chris, if we ever got a house, he would want to like go to the store, look at the granite tile, take it back. Samples hold them up.

If we don't like that one we can go get another one we like these people that like to be meticulous and choose the right thing like and they enjoy that process i again it goes back to like chris being like one time when i told him i wish i liked to travel he's like why do you wish that you liked things you don't like what is that about you like why are you someone who wants i just don't like. What is that about you? Like, why are you someone who wants, I just don't like the things I don't like. And I like the things I do like. I don't wish I liked things I don't like.

Unless they're like, you know, working out or something that's going to give you something else. But I just, I want to be normal, I guess. That's the thing. I think you wish for things that the majority of people are. So then you feel constantly like an outcast because most people like these things. I mean, look at the kitchen.

You fix the kitchen, then you can't even go in the kitchen for nine months. There's people in your house all the time. I don't understand why people remodel things. You have to go live in a hotel because you're redoing your house that you're just going to move out of in two years because you're going to have two more kids

and it's not big enough for us. i chris's brother is like thinking about redoing their house and i'm like why are you going to do that you can't even live in your house you're gonna have construction workers you yeah you have plastic on the floor there's sawdust everywhere there's constantly trucks in your driveway like why why is this guy in my house at 5 a.m like i mean chris and i went and looked at a place the other day and it's perfectly redone. Like everything's been done. And Chris even finds something that he's like,

I would tear that out and redo that. And I'm like, I'm not taking this place then. I don't want to do redo. I want to walk into, it's already done. I don't go to a restaurant and that's why I hate

table side guacamole. I go make it in the kitchen. I don't need to see you do this shit. I don't want to be a part of the process. I don't order to see you do this shit. I don't want to be a part of the process. I don't order fajitas. I don't order a salad and want to mix the dressing at my table. I don't want to chop the tomatoes. We went to a Greek restaurant on the girls' trip.

Remember that, Noah? And the vegetables all came out. Gigantic heads of broccoli, heads of cauliflower, an onion that is just a whole onion, and they serve it on this big plate. It's all cooked, but you have to like cut it yourself. And I go, what is this? This is like Chris's dream.

It's like a project. It's like a man's dream. You like mixing appetizers together. That's a start. You like blending. Well, that's just pouring it all in a bowl, and if I could buy it in a bowl together. I'm just giving you credit here. that's a start you like blending a bowl and if i could buy it in a bowl together that's a start though we're almost there i'm just bitching about the same things over and over it's like when i get depressed i just go into this tunnel of like what

is wrong with me that i don't want these things that other people want and the kid thing is really bothering me because i have literally two weeks to freeze my eggs before it's like not gonna work like i literally have like uh six months before it's like not gonna work like i literally have like uh six months before it's like this is pointless for you to do and i just can't imagine and i talked to someone recently who's like nikki freeze your eggs she was like when i was 38 i did not want kids at all i was positive i didn't want kids and if you're on even on the fence about it when you get to be 40 like you're you're gonna be mad that you didn't freeze your eggs and then i talked to another friend who's like i wish i would have frozen my eggs at 38 and i'm like but i can't see why i would want to add chaos to my life i don't get

the process of freezing your eggs like how i don't even know you have to inject your stomach you have to i should watch rosebud baker's story you have to inject your stomach you get fat because your hormones go fucking crazy you get crazy you get pimples your hair falls out probably like it's probably this long process then you have to go even two doctor's appointments is too much for me it's like it's it's so it's so much vocal cord guy can do it maybe do a two for one don't you wish like doctors did more like yeah it's like why do you need a specialty just fucking freeze my eggs and freeze my vokes you know my eggs and freeze my vokes you know what i mean freeze my vokes tighten up my puss while you're down there grab some eggs

throw them in the drain on my asshole drain yeah drain on my asshole fucking it's just i don't know how people live i just feel like people feel stagnant if they don't if they're not changing their kitchen they're just dying like i think it's a lot to do with death like you just feel like what is my life if i'm not changing something because then i just feel bored and then it's like nothing's changing and without change i'm just dying and i think that's what it comes down to but you have so many other things that might be like but that's kind of for example we have carpets in the house and i found like the listing for where I live and I realized these carpets have been here for about 20 years and the shit that's in them

is probably making us have allergies. Yeah. So it's like practical stuff too. Well, that makes sense. That makes sense. Yeah. Or you're just scared of dying from the stuff in your carpets. It does come back to that one.

You still have them. You still have them. Yeah. it does come back to that yeah yeah i just like that's why i don't want to own a home is because i would not want to deal with i just want to buy something new there you go so that is already that's fine i know but like do you you like the idea of removing those carpets and finding new floors and figuring it out i have option paralysis there's too too many choices. I don't know who to go to. How do you get your floor redone? I don't want to get ripped off

because I don't know anything. And I don't want to start reading about it and learning how to change a floor by hand. It's so much work. But I'll get to it eventually. I'm glad that you don't like it. Yeah. Yeah.

I guess you will. I guess you just hire someone to do all the shit for you you just go look i don't know jeff a guy named jeff maybe i don't know if chris loves doing it let chris do it and just you do your thing he does his thing next thing you know no do you know why because i want my boyfriend to be present i want my boyfriend to hang out with me. I don't want him, because I know that he, when he takes on a job, it is meticulous. It is perfectionism.

It is like, it requires all of his effort. It was, it would, I don't want, like Chris is like, oh, I'll learn how to do this thing for you.

I'll learn how to do that thing for you. He's so helpful. And I'm like, no, I want you to watch Love is Blind with me on the couch. I don't want you to be in the next room taking social media classes. Like I like, no, I want you to watch Love is Blind with me on the couch. I don't want you to be in the next room taking social media classes. Like I want, as much as I want you to help me, like I just, I don't want you to do the

work. I just want us to have fun times together. Like I feel like so much of being a couple is just like you're both working all the time. And I just, I value like just being in bed together and doing a crossword next to each other or watching like the other night he was on his phone like making a post and i was like i i paused love is wine he's like you can keep it going and i'm like no i need you to be watching this with me i need you to be reacting to it with me i don't need like i i can't stand someone on their phone like and i do

it to him all the time i'm on my phone on the couch so i'm like one to talk but like i can't take it if i don't have his undivided attention for whatever like task we're doing and i just know that him doing redoing our floors would take him from me yeah that makes sense i hear what you're saying i think there's a lot of time in the day though i think he could still do both but i get what you're saying like you want to separate him going to get my tampons i would want to send a task rabbit because i just don't want him to leave and i don't want to be alone like i can afford this so like the other night he was like the other night he's trying to order dinner and i knew he like when he gets hungry he you

know as we all do you like your choice paralysis you just like can't decide what you want and I wanted to start love is blind so bad so I just grabbed my phone while he's looking for his I pretended like I was doing something else and I ordered the pizza that I knew he would want and I go it's done and he was like what and I was like your pizza's on its way it'll be here in 15 minutes it wasn't there in 15 minutes I paid extra for it to be expedited I'm just like let's just get this done fast like i'm tired of just like toiling over options everything is just like so it takes so long everything just like fast fast fast like i love think of how much time you wait to have a new kitchen because you're worried about what tile

and we gotta wait for this tile to be flown in from Morocco because I want it to be perfect. Just have your, life is short. Just have a kitchen that's functional. Stop waiting for all of these tiles and all these things. And just because it's fast doesn't mean the result is bad. Or if the result isn't what you want, isn't because you worked fast. I think people connect, oh, I didn't take enough time. And then that's why I don't like it.

But if you take a lot of time, you might not like it too it's like i think it's a pot thing like do you make a pot every day that's shitty and decide what you want and like make a fast kitchen if you don't like it redo it and it'll be fast again as opposed to toiling over a kitchen that you think is going to be perfect and it takes months and months and months and then you get it and it's not perfect fuck up a couple times with the kitchen that's a little bit faster to put together and the saddest part is after two months you're not even going to notice the countertop at all and you're going to start you're not coveting someone else's countertops you're going to start going i wish i had those you're going to start looking through architectural

digest and be like we should have gone this way and you're going to regret it so much more because of all like when you do something fast and you regret it you can go oh well that was fast we can just redo it i didn't spend that much money. I didn't spend that much time. I'm not going to like punish myself when I spend a lot of time or money on something. I regret it. It is so much more painful than if I don't. So I think we uncovered something here.

Let's take a break and like process all of this and come back with an actual show right after this. Besties, I don't know if you know, but I have a new tour that is happening right now. It's called the Good Girl Tour. It is sweeping the nation, starting out in Iowa this weekend. And then I'm in Reno.

I'm in California. I have four different cities there. I am in Vermont. I am in Providence, Rhode Island, Memphis, Tennessee, Waterloo, New York, Kersey, Pennsylvania, Oklahoma City, Tulsa, St. Louis, Albany, Portland, Maine, New York, Hampton, New Hampshire. And then I hit Europe.

So those are all the cities I'm going to be reminding you. If you know anyone in those cities, let them know. They have a fun night of comedy awaiting them just down the street. You can go to NikkiLaser.com for tickets. I would love to see you there. As always, there are meet and greets available. If you go alone, I will grant you a free meet and greet. You just have to write me GOINGALONE in all caps,

your name, and the city in which you're going to see me. Nothing else. You don't even need to write thank you. If you write anything else, it will actually make it so that I don't see the message. But you must start the message with GOINGALONE and don't follow it up with anything because otherwise I won't see it. It's very weird how it works. So thank you so much and I hope I get to meet you. And if you don't go alone, meet and greet tickets are available at

the merch booth. And I've got some sick merch this time around too. I can't wait to see you. I can't wait to perform for you. I can't wait to meet you. Come on out. Iowa this weekend and California next weekend. John Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more

from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, we're back. Okay, so last night, Taylor Swift was on Jimmy Fallon. Yeah. What'd she do on there?

Well, she announced that she's probably going to go on tour someday. And I know she can't give us a date yet. It's probably legally she can't even say anything. But I cannot believe that Jimmy Fallon, who I was with on Thursday for many hours shooting a thing, met Taylor, is like with Taylor Swift last night. So I was with someone that was like, he breathes the same air as her and me at the same time, which is very exciting to me.

And also the other night I was, the night that Midnight's got released, I was driving home looking at the, or I was in the Uber looking at the trailer for the series of music videos she has coming out she has two out already and at the very end it said like the credits of like who's in them it said mike rabiglia and i was like what the fuck and it was like four in the morning in new york time but i wrote mike being like you're in a Taylor Swift video I'm

freaking out Mike I'm freaking out and then he wrote me the next day he's like insane and then I got as soon as I got up to watch the music

video he calls me and I'm watching his scene as he calls me and I'm like oh my god he's like I couldn't say anything I've

known since so this date like I can't and he you know he didn't give me any like juice or scoop, but he just said she is so talented and really cool. Because he's friends with Jack Antonoff, I believe.

He's friends with Jack Antonoff. Yeah, I think that's probably how it happened. Yeah. I can't. I'm, yeah, I don't know. I'm so, I was just glad there wasn't a female standup in that ensemble because there was John Early is also a friend of mine he was in that and Mike particularly and then um the the

Charlie's the waitress from um Always Sunny who's married to Charlie Day her name's Melissa something or other she was also in it but she's not a stand-up if there would have been a female stand-up that wasn't me in it which there will be someday because let me just say taylor doesn't care about me she does she knows that i exist she does not want to be friends i i'm too try hard if there's no way that they don't know about me i i'm sure she would have given me a press package of gifts that she sent to other celebrities but her team is not going to acknowledge me and i get it i am such a try hard even though i never tag her anything i only do it for the love of the game i'm not trying to get anything i was deeply deeply sad on friday when i saw someone with less

followers than me way less enthusiasm for taylor swift based on what i see on their social media got a package from Taylor Swift with all this Midnight's merch being like, we all stay up at midnight and we all struggle sometimes. I hope you find in this album the strength to release your own Midnight Sparkle or something like that.

I couldn't even read the letter because I was so mad. And Taylor's staying at my house, my friend Taylor, and I was getting alerts that I have packages. So I was like,'s a package so she was like I go can you go check my packages and she's like and I go open them immediately because I don't want to like get upset I like seriously was like falling into a sadness of like what why can't I I think I'm the number one celebrity to Swifty me and Brie Larson and Brie larson is not as fanatical as i am i mean

and maybe that's so annoying to her and their team but like i just i don't know what i'm doing wrong um but taylor opened the gifts and it was not a taylor swift package you know what it was it was a package of taylor swift shirts i had ordered myself with my own money. So it was Taylor Swift stuff, but it was my own. It was so much T-shirts that I bought from Poshmark and eBay. And also, don't worry, Taylor, I did order from your website and I bought your own shirts that is your own merch.

But sometimes I just want more than you can even give me. So it's like, it really made me sad. I was like, I don't know if I can listen to this album the rest of the day. And then I journaled about it. I talked to Chris about it. I really felt like my friend didn't invite me to her birthday party or something. Like my best friend forgot to send me an invite.

That's how it felt. I feel like you always wanted to meet. Because I know they don't exist. Yeah, you wanted to meet Wilco your whole life or whatever. You wanted to meet Dave Matthews like these things happen it will happen in time I've met Taylor well yeah but you've had closer relationship with Wilco

since you've liked them right since you've been a fan of them you'll meet her on like a more professional level I think I just I don't even think don't lose hope I don't even want to meet her I don't want to be friends with her because I don't think she wants to be friends with me because I don't even know that if I her i don't want to be friends with her because i don't think she wants to be friends with me because i i don't even know that if i were her i'd want to be friends with me it's too much there's too much of a pedestal she'll never live

up to it like i wouldn't want to be friends with people who are that fanatical about me no way like it just would not be work i'm not asking for that i'm asking for you to send me a cardigan i'm asking for you to send me the gift like a gift package that the other celebrities get so I can feel like you see me like I keep me as a fan. Keep me as a distance. Don't invite me backstage. Don't give me free tickets. I'll always support you but give me

a little nod that you like see me and this isn't even her. This is her. This is tree that her publicist and like the whole team. I'm like, come on. I'm'm out here but i get it i bet they're all like they are so embarrassed for me i bet they're all like she tries she's so wants our attention but the truth is anya was like because i was crying to anya about it i was literally like crying like i just can't believe really kelty got a package and i didn't like it's

just not like it's not even like I need that stuff. I just want to be acknowledged that my identity is Taylor Swift. I spent this entire podcast talking about her today. I'm getting teary-eyed thinking about it right now because I devote so much of my time and so much energy. It's so stupid to cry about this,

but it really does upset me that... Go for it. It's so stupid i know this is the headline is like nikki glazer cries because she doesn't get a package from taylor swift but it's like i just want to be seen well i i don't even want like i i would be happy for her to not see me if she didn't see other people that care so much less about her you know what i mean like i don't i'm not even wanting anything from her she gives enough that's why i've always said i don't even want to meet her because it would be too much of an energy suck for her to deal with my emotions and i need her to save that to make

music like i want her to be happy i if i saw her in the street i wouldn't go up to her and go like oh my god i love you so i wouldn't bother her like i want her to be someone sent me a clip of her getting bombarded on the street by someone and i was just like leave her alone like i was just so i just i don't even want to bother her but it just it really hurt me it's so stupid i sent you that i sent you that clip and the point of the clip was it it wasn't her who is ashley i don't know something Something lookalike, I guess. Oh. Well, I didn't even watch it because it was so annoying to me. I was just like, I didn't watch it. I just heard screaming and I saw a person that kind of vaguely looked like her and I didn't watch it.

A bunch of people sent me that and I was just like, stop sending me this. It was like watching a whale being like people stepping on a whale and like a whale watching thing where I'm just like leave it alone like that's the way I felt about whale sharks when we went out to see them in Cabo remember we were like stalking them and I was like I don't even want to get in the water these are my favorite animals

and I don't want to get in the water even though I have a chance to take a picture with them because they don't want to they I want them to be peaceful and to live but I do want those whales to send me a gift package. And it's not even the whale. It's their team. It's the little algae that sucks on them.

Those little sharks that go. Yeah, the whale didn't even know the package was sent. Yeah. Taylor Swift doesn't know. But I do think that they think I'm a loser. I don't think so. i wanted to play a game okay so taylor swift was on jimmy fallon last night and i'm so impressed by this until i think maybe i'll tell you why maybe it's not as impressive as i i think but i also do believe it's impressive so let's just listen to it real quick and then i want to play a little game. Okay. So he asked Taylor to name as many cat breeds as she can in like 30 seconds.

So listen to this. Go. Scottish fold. Ragdoll. Ragamuffin. Maine Coon. British short hair. Exotic short hair.

American short hair. Devon Rex. Cornish Rex. Sphinx cat. Abyssinian. Persian. Siberian. Burmese. Norwegian forest cat,

Ossa cat, Bengal, Bombay cat, Russian blue. Is there a British blue? Munchkin cat, a black cat, a calico cat, a cat that knocks pens off a desk. No! Okay. So impressive. I mean, like I didn't, I didn't even, when I saw the clip, I go, what is she even listing? It sounded like racial slurs, British race. Like it just, it's, I was like, what's going on here? And then, um main coon and i remember that was a cat type so and i read the thing the caption um that was a lot of cats i was impressed until i go oh they told her they were gonna do this beforehand so she probably looked at a list really quick and like it was off the top it wasn't like she had that written on her hand

orchestrate but But yeah. Do you know how many times I have pretended? I just want to say there's no shade on Taylor for having looked at a list before she did the thing, but I wanted to play this game with Andrew in 30 seconds. How many and I'm going to set the clock. Hold on.

How many pro anything golf or no? No. what are you talking about anything golf golf ball grass sand wedge i mean that's not you stopped um because i'm trying to find my stopwatch okay here we go so you're gonna do as many many pro golfers as you can starting now. Tiger Woods, Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicholson, Brooks Kopka, Rory McIlroy, Tommy Fleetwood, Xander something, Greg Norman, I like that guy. Chi Chi Rodriguez. Moon.

Black Cat. Mango. No, no, I got more. And your time is up. Phil Mickelson. You can get eight. Phil Mickelson. Okay, Noah, you have to name as many metal bands as you can in 30 seconds and three two one go

amorphous black dahlia murder uh cannibal corpse um uh um the yattering uh vomitory Vomitory Queensryche Judas Priest Metallica Megadeth Anthrax Sabaton Twelve

Eleven Sorry you did eleven Alright what are you doing? What are you gonna do? I don't know you guys have to pick it And these are not all equal This is just fun You did 11. All right, what are you doing? What are you going to do? I don't know. You guys have to pick it. And these are not all equal. This is just fun.

90s alternative rock bands. But that's not a thing I know a lot of. I thought you would. How about rom-coms? Rom-coms. Okay, rom-coms. All right, one, two, three. How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. You've Got Mail.

Sleepless in Seattle. uh picture perfect sweet home alabama uh 90 day fiance no that uh 10 seconds the guys that um uh fuck um just friends um best friends uh uh the god i'm trying to Sweet 16 Candles 16 candles Oh God Why am I not Thinking of anything? I'm thinking of All I can picture is How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days And I fucking have never even seen that movie

I hate that movie By the way King's Tale Oh my God King's tale that's another one made in manhattan yeah i didn't even think i was trying to think of like um so you got and then just go through i had like four um no how to lose a guy in 10 days i've never seen the movie i've never seen sweet home alabama i've never seen uh Home Alabama. I've never seen 16 going on 30 or whatever that movie is. I don't know.

I haven't really seen that many rom-coms. I have like three that I love. But have you seen How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days? Yeah. Remember I told him that that was Heath Ledger. I told him that was my favorite movie in person. Wait, what? No, that's 10 Things I Hate About You.

Oh, what did you say oh 10 days i bet you did tell he fletcher that you love how to lose a guy 10 days i bet you did and you had no idea how much you fucked it up i was stoned now we know what killed him oh my god 10 things i hate about you was. All right, let's get to the news. That was fun. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. Oh boy, it's Tuesday. You know what that means, it's Tuesday.

Hope you're having all the swells out there. Apparently we are. Back to you know in the studio in Phoenix. Apparently we are. Phoenix. Tucson. Tucson. All right, well, Nicky, Apparently we are Phoenix Tucson Alright well Nikki we're talking a lot about

Stranger danger right A 22 year old Brooklyn woman Who was randomly punched and pushed Onto the subway tracks Says that she was able to scramble to safety Thanks to her experience Climbing up on the stage at Gwen Stefani concerts. She says, it's because Gwen's called me on stage so many times. That's why my body knew what to do.

Oh, my God. I mean, that it's like no bot could have put that sentence together. No, there's no way in which that would ever be. And by the way, what 22 year old likes Gwen Stefani? I don't feel like 22 year old in 1999, Gwen Stefani, her last hit was probably when that girl was in middle school. I mean,

her last hit was like B-A-N-A-N-A-S. And that was probably 2011 2010 that girl was 10 years old and does Gwen Stefani even tour anymore maybe she learned young if you climb up on stage don't you get kicked out

right away I love it speaking of climbing there is a man that just climbed a wall to get over a locked gate that I just saw. That was so weird. I just saw a man do exactly what that girl did over a brick wall that's like 10 feet tall, you guys.

That is... Hello. Maybe he's training. He's training. He's just getting ready. I mean, I feel like if she did it young enough, it's like learning to throw a baseball maybe you can like like if she's like climbed so many stages i mean i could only assume that she'd maybe climbed five in her life and that's a lot that's a lot of stages you know i mean to bring that back but i can't believe she was like superhuman strength is my

calling oh especially if a train is coming down. Oh, my God. This is happening so much in New York. On Reddit, and I always see at the NYC subreddit, it's like someone gets pushed on the train every day. I never hung out by the edge of the train. I would see people hanging out on the yellow. It was wild. I would always stand against against a pole like or

like a beam so that there was no way for anyone to put shove me behind like you know like i would stand with my back flush to it i rarely and i was always aware of my surroundings if you go to new york do not be scared of the subway system but do not stand don't be one of those strap hangers that stands on the very cusp because you're even the wind from the subway itself is sometimes so strong it could like suck you into it it's like it's nothing to be really like scared of if you're a scared person you're like oh my god is the subway system scary like it's not you'll be okay but just stand in the middle of the platform. Why tempt any crazy person who might be just having a psychotic break just to shove you?

Noah, Andrew, did you guys ever stand on the side? Oh, I mean, I think you just, you become so numb to the fact that this is a moving locomotive. A train in the middle of the woods, you know when a train comes through and Taylor's probably on it after stealing a sandwich. Stealing a sandwich or a pencil stick.

It's so scary. Like it's a fucking train. And that's what's coming. You forget. You become numb to it. So you get so close. Like I've seen people like their hat gets hit and they're like, like they laugh. I know.

My hat went sideways. It could have been your head. I know. It's so scary i've looked down on my phone and looked up and been like i'm like in the middle of the trip you know what i mean like from the train yes i've done that before too but it's like guilty and you just gotta remember drunk down there like i can't believe there's not more train accidents and train conductors need like you know they go through trauma therapy after they because

they often like hit people and it's just so traumatic and it's a guy got hit the other couple weeks ago in queens they were waiting on the a guy walked briskly past another guy who was on his phone his phone flew out of his hand because he got bumped and then the phone went into the tracks they got into a scuffle the guy whose phone got knocked by this other guy threw that guy into the train tracks he never got home that day because he died and his wife was waiting for him to come home to take her to her dialysis and so now she's like there was i donated to their gofundme i think you could it's still available to do it but it was just like the saddest story of just this one guy over a fucking phone,

and he's like, you go down the tracks and get it, and the guy was like, I'm not going down to the tracks to get your phone that I accidentally hit, and the guy just took him and shoved him down into the tracks. Oh my God. I know, and a train came and just hit him.

You would have thought he'd be fine if he just moshed more vomitary. He would have been fine. Yeah, if he would have just gone to more Maroon 5 shows. And moshed so hard. He could have handled have handled i can't believe she cites gwen stefani and man i i love now that people are gonna try to climb up on stage and be like i'm just preparing in case i go to new york and get knocked into the tracks why are you preventing that fergie it's like i had to blow enrique

iglesias i sorry i cheated but i just have to be ready I had to blow Enrique Iglesias. I'm sorry I cheated, but I just have to be ready for a plane crash. Enrique Iglesias makes out with you if you go on stage. I am dying to go to one of those concerts. Babe, I'm sorry. I had to. He pulled me on stage. I didn't have a choice. It's like, what you do?

Drake does that too. Drake will like fuck you on stage. Only if you're underage. I know. I'm glad you said it. No, no, no. will like fuck you on stage. Only if you're underage. Only if you're, I know. That was going to be, I'm glad you said it. Sorry, sorry. No, no, no. I'm glad you said it. I didn't say it.

You set me up. Gotcha. Cancel. Damn it. Okay. Next news story. All right. There are six facial expressions that mean someone is lying.

Oh, wait. That is so weird that you just said this hold on i'm getting a show down the refrigerator but i'm gonna still talk so yesterday on our girls chat we were talking about how you can tell if someone's lying or not oh and i have we sent this to each other and i and they were sending like face they were sending some of the stuff that they had googled and found and i because i know this wait where is my drink one second you guys i'm sorry i think one is like touching your face well yeah not blinking but i know that on a lie detector test if you want to beat it you clench your asshole the entire time that you're taking it because your sphincter will contract

when you lie and then as soon as you lie relax your sphincter will contract when you lie. And then as soon as you lie, relax your sphincter because the contraction will be then, you know, that you won't be able, they won't, if they have, because sometimes they have, like, because your sphincter contracts, maybe it reads on the lie detector machine. But if you're contracted the whole time and then you relax when you're lying, the contraction that you would have gets counteracted by you relaxing so that's just a tip so i told anya like if you guys want to i told my group chat if you want to really know someone's lying stick your finger up their asshole and if it just gets a little tight you know they're lying about enjoying your finger i love the guys that has a machine like this and i'm like i know you don't you relax so much your asshole at the time he's like okay you told too much of the truth like i could tell your ass as soon as you're like i didn't kill my wife like all down the chair

okay well a titan asshole is not on this list but what are signs that you're lying okay so andrew mentioned one which is looking away moving the eyes around because it means that someone is thinking about their next thought like they're pondering what to say next okay i also feel like when i lie i don't i, I'm so ashamed of it. I don't want to make eye contact with the person I'm lying to. Oh, okay. If that makes sense. I look away to just be like, I can't look at you. I'm so embarrassed that I'm doing this.

But yeah, it could be like searching. What am I going to say next? What am I going to come up with? Okay. What's another thing? Tighten jaw and forehead. Liars also tend to tense up when they're not being truthful. And this could include tightening the jaw and forehead. Liars also tend to tense up when they're not being truthful, and this could include tightening the jaw and forehead.

Okay. Wow, loosen your face, tighten your asshole. This is tough. Two things, like patting your head and rubbing your stomach. And then, so, yeah. So, loosen your face. That makes sense. I think touching your face, too.

Touching your hair, fidgeting. Would that be one? Not in this list. Pursed or dry lips. Lying triggers your body's automatic nervous system. Ends up drying up your lips. It's so crazy that lying makes us do all of these things. Because what is cave people?

Or when we were Neanderthals, why would lying be something that makes all these things happen? You know, like it has to be for a reason. And I guess it's for the benefit of other, like if someone's like found a food source and we're like, did you find food over there? And we ask and they're like, no. And they'd say, no no they didn't because they want it all to themselves we should be able to tell if they're lying so that we could actually get the food maybe it's something like that well there's a lot of like stories of history of like uh when people came over and with the indians they would lie to them but like they did in a way where

they were believable like it was believable that they were actually like the son of god or some i don't know they would do shit and they wouldn't even have to fight over getting to land. That's not enough time for evolution to take. We can't look back at the time of the Native Americans as when, like for evolution. It's like millions of years. Oh, okay. Not like a couple hundred.

It's in our nervous system. But I'm saying that a lion- It's just like we developed the ability to breathe because when we settled uh our lung capacity like it takes millions of years it's indians then they became wolves and then they became dolphins and then that was a monkey do you know that we really are bad at telling liars though like really really bad at it yeah have you ever told a story have you ever done that thing was like in a class like one person yeah it's so it's almost impossible to know well i was on that show um to tell the truth and you would think it would be so easy these just normal

people who have been coached to tell a lie these aren't like professional actors they're just like you know random people they found in Burbank trying to pretend like they're a secret ops agent. And you do not know. I was so bad at the game. Watch my face. Tell me if I'm telling the truth, right? Okay.

He's licking his lips a lot. I have a 12-inch penis. What do you think? Oh, he's shaking. I can't talk. It looks like he didn't blink my lips are wet my lips are wet that's true was your asshole tight oh fuck i couldn't i tried 12 inch penis wrapped inside it okay we gotta go to break yeah all right what's the other three

would you want a 12 inch penis, when my legs are sore. Just glide around. Pogo stick that bitch. Like Tigger? Yeah. Just bouncing on it around town. Okay, we got to go to break. We'll come back with more after this.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and

a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right. It's time for my favorite time of the week. It's Reddit Dump favorite time of the week. It's Reddit dump. Karaoke mode.

This is your Reddit dump. Okay. This one is from Ask Women. It fits the subject that I was going off on in the first part of the show. It said, and this is where they ask women things, why do you regret having kids not in the context of loving your kids but do you think you'd be happier if you

didn't have kids and um one person said sometimes sometimes i look at my children all i can say is this i'm sorry that i brought you into this messy world where i teach you the importance of communication boundaries and safety and yet all we hear are and see are wars violence sadness i'm also not going to pretend that i don't miss my pre-motherhood life. I do. I miss my freedom and I'm not ashamed of admitting this. Then I sent this to Anya because we were kind of lamenting like, I don't think we're going to have kids.

Like we need more messaging like that's the right thing to do. I can't just rely on Chelsea Handler's Instagram to keep reminding me that being single and not having kids is the best thing, even though hers really does help me. Someone said, everyone always tells me how extroverted I am. I believe that was true until I had children. I realized that I'm actually an extroverted introvert.

My husband is an introvert and before children, it was easy for us to recharge and be alone. Now that kids are in the mix, I'm never alone. I extrovert all day at work and come home to noise and chatter. It's so exhausting. They're good kids. They don't do anything wrong i just wish they could move out sometimes and come visit regularly instead of living with me i miss solitude oh that is it i'm so scared that i'll never be able to just have quiet and i know people are like but then your kids go to bed

but then you want to sleep like at a time i want quiet on a time of day where i don't want to sleep um okay someone says because i should have done the trauma healing work before having them i didn't so they trigger me all the time and i have to navigate good enough parenting with dealing with my past issues which is so hard and takes so much energy my younger self thought that having kids would fix me she was right but not in the way she thought i think that's pretty good people said i miss sleeping on kids being able to do what i want when i want without having them to having to worry being able to dream and adventure not that it would have happened before but ain't no way i'm bicycling through the french countryside now someone said because i was led to believe i was

in a partnership but then proceeded to do 95 of the work This is why do I regret having kids? Someone said, no, I don't. My only regret is having her at 24. Wish I had waited. Now that I'm in my 40s, I realized 24 is way too young to have kids. Someone said, my three-year-old, oh, well, that's too sad.

I'm not gonna read that. Sometimes I feel like I should have known better than to have a child with an abusive partner. So good reminders that may be a couple in there where I'm like, well i i don't think i would do that i wouldn't think a child would fix my life i don't if anything i think i know a child will make my life a lot harder i i guess i don't understand someone thinking a child is going to make their life easier expectation to put on a kid but people do it all the time noah people say people who are smart enough to know that kids won't save your relationship, that marriage isn't going to save your relationship,

that getting engaged isn't going to save your relationship, that moving in together isn't going to save your relationship, that getting a dog together isn't going to, they still do it because we, we just think that it will, that like doubling down. I know so many couples that get engaged and then get breakup right after it because they,

they did it as a last ditch attempt to like, this will make us work and of course it doesn't. This next one is ketchup. Oh, it's from Ask Reddit. Ketchup doesn't exist. What sauce do you use

to eat fries with? Oh, easy. I thought it was pretty good. Really? What do you do? Barbecue. Barbecue. No one's going to choose.

Ketchup doesn't exist. Okay. Does not exist. No one's going to doesn't exist okay does not exist no one's gonna say barbecue bbq um shit uh honey mustard honey mustard okay honestly i used to love dipping them in honey when i would go to mcdonald's a1 sauce is too runny i want a thicker gloppier thing i'm going to go with the dressing at aladdin cafe in lawrence kansas i just want that on everything or i want like barbecue sauce though barb mcdonald's barbecue is probably the number

one sauce i'm gonna use but if you're ever in lawrence kansas or kansas city go to latin cafe and get their greek salad dressing and it's i mean it's vinegary it's like green it's so good and i it's i want to put it on everything um okay um worst lyrics you've ever heard this is in the subreddit music and then people just submitted a bunch i thought they were funny um this is from this is a rick ross lyric it says i put molly all in her champagne she ain't even know it i went home and enjoyed that she ain't even know it and then this is his apology statement after he was called out another redditor put this ross said there had been a misunderstanding and misinterpretation he said the term rape wasn't used you know i would never use the term rape

in my records i just wanted to reach out to all the sexy ladies all the beautiful ladies that had been reaching out to me with the misunderstanding we don't condone rape and i'm not with that well good to know wow that actually makes up for it thanks thanks rick someone else wrote just to be clear i did not use the word rape when describing the rape i committed just wanted to be clear about that if you don't call it rape then it's not rape you don't label it he doesn't believe in labels that's his i always believed that with rick uh did any lyrics came to come to mind for you guys as i continue a lot of like young remember that one song i played for you about the guy like wanting to bang the young girl

but his parents got in the way all the time young girl run girl you're much too young get out of my mind all love is way out of line run girl you're much too young did you see that guy's apology he goes look i don't believe in pedophilia i didn't say pedophilia i don't verse lyrics of that because i only know that song because uh bob saget sang it on uh full house because he was dating a younger woman and she broke up with him and or he broke up with her and he was like lamenting it so it's it goes young girl get out of my mind my love for you is way out of line better run girl you're much too young girl with all the charms of a woman you've kept the secret of your youth you led me to believe you're old enough to give

me love and now it hurts to know the truth whoa whoa young girl get out of my mind okay beneath your perfume and makeup, you're just a baby in disguise. And though you know that it's wrong to be alone with me, that come on look is in your eyes. So hurry home to your mama. I'm sure she wonders where you are. Get out of here before I have the time

to change my mind because I'm afraid we'll go too far. Oh my god. And then it just, that's the lyrics. And then he put lewds in her bottle, I think then he put lewds in her bottle i think i put lewds in your bottle it's not what you think though oh my god dude that song is so creepy dude andrew andrew like told me one day he was like i heard this song the other day were you at a golf course or something i was hitting golf balls and i'm and i'm like this song is a nice old school song and then i'm like by the verse, I couldn't even hit the balls anymore because I was literally

like, is this? You were like, Nikki, you don't understand this fucking song. And then I was like, wait a second. I think I know that song because Danny Tanner sang it on Full House. Yeah, you knew all the lyrics. I was like, what the hell? I almost went to see that guy. By the way, the guy that sang that song, I almost went to go that guy by the way the guy that sang that song

I almost went to go see him with Chris he's on tour right now with a bunch of guys from like the 1950s that is Gary Puckett Gary Puckett and the Union Gap there's a lot of songs back there you want to know a song the Beatles song

Run For Your Life oh yeah that one's Run For Your Life actually the other day I was she was only 17 run for your life oh yeah that one's that run for your life the other actually the other day I was singing a song on a TV show that's like saw him dancing there by the record machine I knew he

must have been about 17 I said he said can I take you home and I'm like well that's problematic okay so okay well this is the Beatles song. Well, I'd rather see you dead, little girl, than to be with another man. You better keep your head, little girl,

or you won't know where I am. You better run for your life if you can, little girl. Hide your head in the sand, little girl. I'll catch you with another man. That's the end, little girl. girl well let you know that i'm a wicked guy and i was born with a jealous mind and i can't spend my whole life trying just to make you toe the line you better run for your life if you can little girl and it goes let this be a sermon i mean every let this be a sermon honey i. I mean, everything I've said, baby, I'm determined,

and I'd rather see you dead. Oh, my God. That is a Beatles song, everyone. Insane. I guess, like, which one wrote it, though? Like, that's the funny thing. There's four of them. That's definitely a Lennon and McCartney.

Well, you know Lennon and McCartney, they agreed the rest of their lives as they ever wrote a song. i think paul is like let it go now that john is dead because it's impossible to write a song with him except with a ouija board but they they agreed when they were in the beatles that they would split every song they either wrote like if john wrote one it would always be lennon except that one paul was like you could have it paul was like you could please take it i have a feeling it was paul because or uh lennon because of the jealous part and how he eventually does that song i'm just a jealous guy i love that song love it it is the most sexual song i've ever heard a man admitting he's jealous i feel like if you went after like lennon or someone they'd be like no

that's just a story of uh the big bad wolf like you know what i mean like like i feel like if you went after like lennon or someone they'd be like no that's just the story of uh the big bad wolf like you know what i mean like like i feel like in songs you get away with it be like no that was like they have gone after him oh he's been like post-canceled yeah for being a womanizer and then like beating i think he beat yoko maybe he beat his wife before her um yeah had he definitely roughed up some ladies but musical genius let's excuse it um i'm obviously being facetious but am i i don't know um okay so cut it canceled mickey's a lead an apologist oh you mean like the whole fucking world um then there's uh okay so in this lyric thing there's some other good ones that aren't as problematic they're just like the worst lyrics and by far the people who have the worst lyrics the band that is quoted the most is train um one of those is

you're so gangster i'm so thug you're so gangster i'm so thug you You remember that song? Yes. Another one is, Oh, I swear. Oh, I swear to you. I'll be there for you. This is not a drive-by. Just a shy guy looking for a two-ply hefty, looking for a, I didn't know this was lyric. Just a shy guy looking for a two-ply hefty bag to hold my love.

He like, What? He drops hefty bag to hold my love he like he has um i yeah i feel like these songs you could put any words in them they're so catchy you could literally do anything yeah like you could i stabbed her in the neck i'm a fun guy you're bleeding all over my you know what i mean like they're so lyrically fun you don't even let you could say anything it's like well think about taylor swift's new song karma is my boyfriend karma is a god karma is the breeze in my hair on the weekend karma's a relaxing thought aren't you jealous

that for you it's not karma is a cat purring in my lap because it loves me it's like that's camp though taylor's trying to be silly like if you hate that lyric you're doing exactly what she wants you to do like did you see the guy in italy that he wrote a song and he's like oh yeah i'm obsessed with that american pop song oh yes yeah that's the best song that has ever been i played it on the podcast once oh you did oh sorry i forgot yeah i listen to that song all the time it's so good i forget the name of it because it's gibberish so this guy in italy he was so frustrated in like the 70s 80s that every single italian pop song that would made the charts was american and he was like they literally

italians will listen to anything if it sounds like american they don't even speak english you know english but they just love it so he goes i'm gonna make a song that sounds american but is not just to prove it and of course the song went number one immediately and it is complete gibberish but it sounds american and even as an american so you know someone who speaks english it sounds to us like wait he's got to be saying something but he's saying nothing it's almost like it's it's so good i don't know um if you just type in italian song that sounds american you'll find it um this one was a good one and i cannot believe it's true because i remember this lyric and thinking there's no way he rhymed kodak with kodak but he does it's pitbull me not working hard yeah right picture

that with a kodak or better yet go to times square take a take a picture of me with a kodak i love that i respect that i understand if both were like two different meanings of kodak but he's using and it turns out um that uh he was paid he was a spokesman for kodak at the time and so he was paid to put that in the song twice i guess um and then uh there was one about these lyrics some were making me laugh so hard i mean crash into me is one of the ones where it's like my one of my favorite songs ever and if you really break down i mean it's creepy it's just a creepy guy out the standing outside the window watching her. That shot's fired, Andrew. You've got your ball, you've got your chain tied to me.

Tie me up again. Who's got the ball? Who's got the ball in you, my friend? Into your heart. Sweet like candy to my soul. Sweet you rock and sweet you roll. Lost for you, I'm so lost. For you, for me, come crash into me.

Touch your lips just so I know. Oh, and your eyes love it glows. So I'm begging you to forgive me for you. And then it's like, hike up your skirt a little more and show your world to me. That is so fucking hot. I can't even stand it. I guess he is peering through the window at one point,

but I think he's like almost longing for a girl across the way. Like, I don't know. For me, it didn't come off creep, but I get it. Final thought. I like that.

You can like, Dave Matthews is not canceled. If you love Dave Matthews so much that you're like, he can literally say like, I, you know, put like a tire iron in her ass. And you're like,

I think what he means is like, it's like a majestic, like ride in the river or something. You know what I mean? Like you're like, I think what he means is like, it's like a majestic ride in the river or something. You know what I mean? Don't drink the water is him drugging a woman. And he's telling her not to drink it. And then he went home and took advantage of her, but she chose to drink it.

He told her, don't drink the water. Dude, yeah, that's Dave. That's Dave. I will say that when i was at the dave show with sarah lean at the um hollywood bowl he was talking about a song called that he played called sister and it's oh my god it's like giving me chills just even thinking about it i have literal goosebumps chills um it's a beautiful song called sister and i want i wish besties would listen to it but he told this story before it. He was like, he was talking about like, he gave a little speech about women's right to

choose and how we need to support women. And also in Iran with the like, women are just so special and how, you know, we just need to look out for them. And he's so sad about like, he has daughters And he was like, he said, this song, when I wrote it, the first time I ever played it for my family, we were in the car and my two daughters, my twin daughters were like two years old or one or two babies in the back seat,

sitting in their little chairs in the back seat. And he put it on, he put the CD in and played it because this was like 20 years ago. And he played it. And it's like this beautiful song. And he said, and I turned around and I looked and they were holding hands and it's called sisters and his little two twin daughters. And he was like, and it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. And I just feel like we need to do that more. Like we all need to just hold hands more. And then they played the song. And it was like, if you listen to that song with that story, it was just like, Chris, Arlie and I were like crying. And then he played the song and it was like, if you listen to that song with that story, it was just like,

Sarah Lee and I were like crying and we were like, we're sisters. Everyone's sisters. It was just beautiful. I love that line when he tells them to hike up their skirts. Yeah, it's cool. Yeah,

it's really cool, Nikki. It's really like sweet. So one point, one of the worst lyrics is thunder, thunder, thunder, thunder,

thunder, thunder thunder lightning and thunder feel the thunder lightning and thunder thunder by the way i once did a 5k or no i did a 10k or something and it was a race and uh i listened to that song the whole time and it i got the best time i've ever gotten when i've been running a race was the other best time i ever got was i listened to kesha's die young i don't know if you know that song yeah i do um i forget hold on let me just pull it up really quick we can die young young young young i think it's just repeating that i think that helps you it's just like it's like until we out of mind get it wild running like we out of time but like it there's just certain songs that are great running songs but that thunder song it was just like oh i was so into

it that was probably 2017 is when i did that um okay uh and then i always love the little yadi lyric that gets brought up a lot and it says she blow that dick like a cello because he didn't know that a cello was not a trumpet he thought a cello was like a trumpet and um it also says that like there's like five people were credited on writing that song and none of them do that. I love it. And then let's play that one video, Noah, that you were sent that was about the guy yelling. I like this. This is a girl on TikTok who's like making a video off of someone else's video

so at first you see the guy and he's it's one of these motivational guys that like andrew follows for like a david goggins type that's just like my secret man you get up and do it oh i'll go i'll go i'll go and then this girl at the end of it you'll see the girl does oh this guy yeah this fucking guy yeah go to the fucking gym go to fucking gym go to the fucking gym wait does this does this work on the girl hold on gotta make sure she puts on a mustache like the guy go to fucking therapy she just paces around like the guy no the gym doesn't count go to therapy did that work maybe i loved it there's someone there's a nerdy guy you told me you used to like be motivated by those things like you said that shy little book being like yesterday yesterday this morning those

things get you they work they really do there's a video of that guy going go to a fucking gym and then there's a nerd that like clips it back and he goes you you go to the gym i do love when people like clip back someone did one with that guy where he spits and it hits him in the face like water like they do that whole thing i yeah i get motivated i do there but it comes in waves like you catch me on a tuesday morning and i'm like i don't know it oh my god days certain days so andrew sent me a thing yesterday because we were talking about how like tiktok videos are fake and how like couples will like coordinate together to like make a fake tiktok and are fake and how like couples will like coordinate together to like make a fake tiktok and andrew sent a perfect example of one and uh i just want to play it real

quick and then i want to play something else right after this hold on so this is i told him sorry okay so it says i was trying to record a scenicic video of me on this lake to send to my mom. So it's a guy that it's in writing. It says trying to record a scenic video to send to my mother of this beautiful lake. And at the end of it, you'll hear why the video was fucked up and how this is. My asshole hurts from last night. So it just the girl is like, you've ever been recording something and then the person next to you starts talking.

You're like, you fucked up my video. Like they totally, like I would not have thought that that was planned until you sent that. I probably would have believed that. I didn't know. You said it was fake. I believed it almost.

It's gotta be fake. I agree. I think so too. I think now when I listen to it, especially then, like her tone at the end felt fake like you could almost hear she goes my asshole hurt last night my asshole hurts from last night like it's

just such it's such a classic thing that if you were making a video get interrupted by the most inappropriate thing so last night I did not even show Chris that by the way okay I had not shown Chris that I was trying to secretly record him as I was watching love is blind to put on my Instagram just because he kept saying funny things.

And I was like, it's so funny to get a guy's perspective of the show, like what he's commenting on. So I'm recording him. He knows I'm recording him. I don't know that he knows I'm recording him. Right. Okay.

Does that make sense? Yes. Like I, I don't know that he knows, but he does know. so this is what he did so i'm on the couch remember when you were saying all that racist stuff earlier canceled i was like fuck he got you because i was i was being so secretive and i didn't think he could because he kept catching me and then there were times when he didn't and so i really

was sneaking that one it was like 15 minutes after the last time i tried i thought he was relaxed he wasn't gonna catch me and then he just bust out remember all the racist things you were saying it completely ruins my video it was so funny And I bet for a second you were like, did I say anything bad? Maybe. No, there wasn't even a second. I was just like, I know what you're doing. But it made me, it was really, really funny. Okay, that is all we have for today.

Thank you so much for listening, everyone. Thanks for listening to my tirade at the top of the show. I feel better. How are you feeling that off my chest? I feel better. I feel better. I am going chest I feel better I feel better I am gonna go take a nap and still dread

this podcast I have to do later today where I think everyone hates me but you know what that's life and no I'm not gonna say because then people

will go on it and go we love you and then they'll really get a lot of hate because it's too positive but you'll see I'll promote it in some way if it

goes well thank you guys for listening don't be cool. And Jack McBrayer. Jack Pratt. Okay. Back to basics then. Going back.

Starting over fresh. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics entertainment sports and more joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors and with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else ready to laugh and stay informed?

Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.