The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #29 Smells Like Summer Camp

Episode Date: May 11, 2021

Between you and Nikki she understands the good kind of pain. Andrew points out that they are taping in a 1930's Spanish villa in Los Angeles but Nikki is reminded of a cabin. Nikki performed at the Round while Andrew charmed Anthony Jeselnik with deep cuts from Tulane. You Heard it Here First, an inappropriate teacher, men looking forward to not connecting with women and fake reviews. In Top1Bottom1 they each bring personal stories about concert experiences.Follow us on Instagram @NikkiGlaserPod, go the link in our bio to leave us a voice message that Andrew will probably start listening to before you finish recording because he is so eager and it makes him emotional. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRad surrounding dating, sex, and love. That's right.

Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you journeys navigating our 30s, tackling the complexities of modern relationships, and engage in thought-provoking discussions that challenge societal expectations. From groundbreaking interviews with diverse guests to relatable stories that will resonate with your experiences,

Decisions Decisions is going to be your go-to source for the open dialogue about what it truly means to love and connect in today's world. Get ready to reshape your understanding of relationships and embrace the freedom of authentic connections.

Tune in and join in the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Did you know that 70% of people get hired at companies where they already have a connection? I'm Andrew Seaman, LinkedIn's Editor-at-Large for Jobs and Career Development. And on my podcast, Get Hired, I bring you all the information you need to, well, get hired. Landing a job may be tough, but Get Hired is here for you every step of the way

with advice on resumes, networking, negotiation, and so much more. Listen to Get Hired with Andrew Seaman on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you like to listen. I'm Tomer Cohen, LinkedIn's Chief Product Officer. If you're just as curious as I am about the way things are built, then tune into my podcast, Building One. I speak with some of the best product builders out there. I've always been inspired by frustration. It came back to my own personal pinpoint. So we had to go out to farmers and convince them. Following that curiosity is a superpower.

You have to be obsessed with the human condition. Listen to Building One on the iHeartRadio app, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, an investigative journalist, and this is my journey deep into the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy in my adult. He was like, I'll take you to the top, I'll make you a star. To expose an alleged predator and the rotten industry he works in.

It's honestly so much worse than I had anticipated. We're an army in comparison to him. From novel, listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Nikki. Hello. Good Monday to y'all. It's a new week of swells here on the Nikki Glaser podcast. Noah, good to see you. I'm so excited to start a new week. Me too. And I love four days.

You're kind of the first person that I'm seeing outside the house today. And I love that. Oh, wow. Well, I guess it's still kind of early i mean i don't but aren't i always the first person or no i guess you have pretty full days before we record usually where you're getting out and about yeah i picture you are like um bell walking down through the town square with a book and it's like just going to market you you encounter a lot of different people before we podcast usually uh no just animals just wild animals outside like lizards oh my god it's i love uh animals so much and i already miss like seeing chickens everywhere in the cayman islands i'm in la right now and

have i seen an animal my friend brought over her dog the other night and um and i wasn't in the mood for dogs so i think she thinks i don't like it and i like maybe disappointed her in my enthusiasm for the dog but i don't know like sometimes i gotta be in a dog mood to like really want a dog especially a puppy that's jumping everywhere and like biting and has human eyes her dog has human eyes and it's uh it's beautiful the dog is so expressive but it has like these blue human eyes andrew says it looks like a white walker um and the dog got recognized on the street that not recognized but got kind of like scouted by like a dog agent the other day on the street like so

this is a very beautiful dog but the dog's eyes i feel like it pierces through my soul and um and so it i just wasn't having a bond with the dog and I got in late the other day and I just uh I think she's she was a little disappointed because people want you to be as excited about their things that they're excited about as you can be and I try to be authentic and not fake enthusiasm if I don't have it and not just give people what they want all the time not be mean but like I don't you know and I just wasn't in a dog mood so um I I but I apologized to her the next day because I was a real I was a real cunt the other night I got into town on uh Saturday night and I was just in a bad mood I'd been doing

too much thinking on the airplane and listening to songs that make me wallow in my pain so I'm like just thinking and like I love looking out the window at the lights over Los Angeles when I'm flying in and picking the perfect song, La Cienega, just smiled by Ryan Adams and thinking about how

I'm just a girl who like is trying, like just, you know, kind of setting the soundtrack for the movie that is my life of this girl flying into LA. And then I start feeling that way and I was just feeling sorry for myself and being like, I want what I,

why am I not getting what I want from this person? Or just, I don't know. I was just playing a character who was, it's like the Taylor Swift song, Champagne Problems. She does, she has this lyric that's like, you picked the night, you picked the night train for a reason so you could sit there in this hurt. And I love that song because it's like, I always like taking, I love taking night. It was

a night flight. And I love to just sit in my hurt and like, just look out the window and listen to music. And I was kind of doing that, but then it got me into a bad head space. And then my friend comes over to be like, welcome to LA and brings me all these like things that like she brought me weed and lotion and uh perfume and a dress that I like like of hers and then and also her dog and I was just like in a bad mood so I texted her next day and I was like I was a bitch last night I'm really sorry and I didn't mean to take it out on you and now we're good but I was it was so hard when you're being a bitch and you know you are, but you just can't muster the courage to say, I'm sorry in the moment, even though you're caught bitch handed, like someone calls you out. Like I yelled at, I yelled at my friend Carlisle

about telling me a story that I asked her to tell me. And after she told it to me, I was like, by the way, never bore me with that kind of shit again like i was it was so rude and she was like you asked me to tell you that story and i was like oh god she's right and i can't admit that she's right right now but she is and i will tomorrow morning when i feel bad about this but um i don't know what my point was i fucking saw a dog i guess that was my point and um no you said that you before we got started on the show you were telling me that you got a deep tissue massage yeah yesterday yesterday i got my my birthday present yesterday which was a spa from my fiance your fiance and um so you got a deep tissue massage we took in an hour we'd go 90 minutes what it was a 60 minute massage felt like for the first time felt way longer than that.

And I wanted to tell you that it felt so good that I started crying. And when I really thought about it, I have a lot of like pain from like my neck and my back and all that. And your pussy. Yes. So to finish the lyrics and um i just felt like she acknowledged that pain it was the first masseuse that actually like acknowledged the pain that i was in and didn't just like rub over it and did she acknowledge it verbally or just like her hands she rubbed it just yes right amount of pressure, like the right touch. She knew exactly where to go.

Oh, my God. I'm like getting emotional thinking about how good that feels when someone finds the spot and you know that they find it because they slow down. They're like they really like help you get through it because it's painful. But it's also like it feels whatever they're doing is just i mean it's like orgasmic it's like really the release that a muscle can feel when you feel like it's really being seen yes is better than sex it's so freaking good and i love that you felt that way and what a good massage i gotta go to this girl i mean as someone who is that in tune and it feels did you feel like connected to her afterwards and like thank you like sometimes i feel like we just had sex kind

of with masseuses because you know we did those are different i almost lunged at her at the end when i thanked her and i was like there's something divine coming out of your hands you have no idea what you just did to me wow healing like that like the some people I love when you get a masseuse that you're like oh my god they're not just going through the motions they are sensing something and they're finding it and how did they know like a lot of it is just guesswork I think like oh like a lot of times they think it's a knot and they're like rubbing out something that's like a right you know a connective it's a it's not even a knot there's a lot of times that you people find knots on you and it's like no that's just where my muscle is attached to the my scapula like it

needs that little knot there to like attach and you're rubbing it out like yes so a lot of massage can be really a bunch of hooey but um that sounds amazing i love that i um i've been i i went for a run two days ago and i got shin splints i like activated my shin splints and i really really love the feeling because they are so sore and i just want them to be i was watching videos last night when i was going to bed of just a thumb going up the side of a shin, like right where mine hurt. And I was like, it's almost porn for massage. I, I watch massage videos a lot of times for whatever area is really bothering me. And I stole my mom's massage chair thing that I gave to her for Christmas that you put in a chair and you lie back on. It's like a shiatsu thing. I took it with me to California because I just

want to lay on it. And like just the other night, I almost cried from how there's this one knot on my back that is from my dancing with a sergeant injury. And when I'm feeling really nervous and anxious, it starts kicking in because it's very mental. And I just laid on that thing and fucking beat the shit out of it, probably in a masochistic way. Like I love the pain. I love it. i got a foot massage right before i left the cayman islands and the girl could not believe she was laughing the whole time because she couldn't believe the amount of pressure she was like if you did this to me she was doing what she was like i would cry she was like i don't even understand what you're being able to put up with

like i'm i love pain it's a it's a weird thing for me. Like, I really like the feeling of a dull ache. I love when I'm sore. I, Andrew pulled a muscle. He like ripped a muscle. Oh yeah. And I'm kind of jealous because he gets, he has like a muscle that he could like torture. Like I want to so badly like elbow him in the, and I want to massage it. So it, I like, I want it to like hurt.

Cause I'm jealous that he gets to have that like pain that he could just like kind of touch it. And it would be like, like, I, I like when I have bruises, like I like, and it sounds like I'm probably someone who cuts or something. It's not that I don't like that. I just like a dull pain. It's weird, but like my feet, I just want them to be completely tortured. I want it to feel like, I want a massage to feel like exhausting at the end of it. Not relaxing. Did yours feel exhausting? Was it painful in that way?

It wasn't painful in that way. I felt just so validated after like over a decade of like being in pain and that pain kind of like being dismissed when i try to address it and then this woman just came and validated that like 15 years it was crazy whoa and that's that's just so much about in every level like validating our pain all we want is for people to say i know you're in pain and it's not just you're in your head like i see you i like over the weekend, my dad was, my parents are going to Greece in a couple of weeks. And my mom's like, Nikki, can you believe we're going to Greece? We're flying to Greece. And I go, yeah, I think

it's great. You're vaccinated. Like the world's opening up. This is a trip that you, you got offered to stay at amazing Villa by your sister. Like, yes, of course go. I don't think it's weird. She's like, I go, why would that be weird to go? And my dad goes, well, cause she's worried about flying. Cause she's constantly in pain. She's always in pain. Her back's constantly hurting her. She has a headache constantly. And I go, dad, the tone of which you're talking about her pain makes it sound like she's like, does she try to have this pain? You think? And he was like, I mean, she can't figure out what it is. And I go, that sounds really bad. Can you imagine having a pain that you can't, you want to try to get rid of? Cause you know, dad, do you think anyone like

wants to feel pain? I mean, besides me in a foot massage, but dad, do you really think mom wants to feel this pain? He goes, no. And I go, so she's probably trying everything she can within her willpower of like what she can do. She's probably trying everything. Right. And he goes, yeah. And I go, and she can't get rid of trying everything right and he goes yeah and i go and she can't get rid of it that sucks right like and so you'll acknowledge that this thing she doesn't want she can't get rid of so why would we not talk of her pain with anything other than compassion and like oh that must be so hard what you're going through why would we what is your tone of like oh oh god it's like like, why not just acknowledge that mom's in pain?

I know it's frustrating because you want your wife to feel good. And this is all coming from a place of you're sad that your wife is in pain, but you can't express that. Why don't just have it be that instead of anger at mom, people get so mad at people for being sick. Cause they think they're just do just, you could fix it. And it's like, don't you think they want to, don't you think this person does? No one wants to be in pain. And some of you could fix it and it's like don't you think they want to don't you think this person no one wants to be in pain and some of you could argue yeah people like to be in pain because they want to be the victim and but my mom doesn't want to have migraines constantly and have her bones feel like they're breaking we're trying to figure out what the fuck is going on and i know it's frustrating dad but don't take out that frustration about the fact that mom has a medical

condition that is an anomaly and it makes your life a little bit more difficult. Don't take that out on her. Like she's trying to bring it on. You just got to shake these people sometimes. And it's not because my dad's a cruel guy. It's because he is frustrated because he wants his wife to be mobile and not in pain. And instead of just saying that and being like, this sucks, I'm sad about this, that my wife is in pain. He has to be mean to my mom and act like she's causing it. My mom once got, uh, had to get a test to see if she had cancer. And my mom was scared that she wouldn't have cancer because the test was so expensive that, uh, that, uh, you know,

my dad would be mad because she didn't even need that test. It was all in her head. Like she wanted to get, you know what I'm saying? And I don't think this is crazy. This is a very common thing that people don't want to go get tested for things because they're scared, not only that they might have it, but that worse, they might not have it.

And then they spent that $800 for nothing. And now they have to explain it to their husband. And now their husband thinks they're crazy when really they're just trying to figure out what's wrong. No one's trying to be sick. So let's all have compassion for each other. Let's bring Andrew in here right now. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show

and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed?

Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Top players on tour like LPGA superstar Angel Yen. I really just sat myself down at the end of 2022 and I was like, look, either we make it or we quit. Expert tips to help improve your swing and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. The drinks were flowing, twerking all over the place, vaping, they're shotgunning. Women's golf is a wild ride full of big personalities, remarkable athleticism, fierce competition, and a generation of women hell-bent on shanking that glass ceiling. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E,

on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Elf Beauty, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. Happy holidays from me, Michael Rapoport. And my gift to you is a free subscription to the I Am Rapoport Stereo Podcast, where I discuss entertainment, sports, politics, and anything and everything that catches my attention. I am here to call it as I see it, and there's a whole lot of things catching my eyes these days. Here's a clip from one of my favorite episodes. You are not a real fighter. You will never be discussed anywhere in boxing history ever.

Fake Paul. The movie is The Apprentice, and the movie is about young Donald Trump and his apprentice, Roy Cohen. Real character, obviously. Both are real characters. It kind of has a Scarface vibe to it, which I thought was very interesting. Listen to the I Am Rap Report Stereo podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, and wherever you get your podcasts.

Hey, I'm Jay Shetty, and my latest interview is with Mel Robbins. The theory is very simple. It is a mindset tool that instantly helps you identify what's in your control and what's not in your control. Renowned motivational speaker, best-selling author, Mel Robbins. Work has been seen as the number one cause of stress. How can the let them theory help? As you notice the stress come up, Jay, you're simply going to say, let them. You have no idea right now how much time and energy is being wasted because of other people's behavior. It's like a death by a thousand cuts. Listen to On Purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Hey, y'all. I'm Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, host of Therapy for Black Girls, and I'm thrilled to invite you to our January Jumpstart series for the third year running. All January, I'll be joined by inspiring guests who will help you kickstart your personal growth with actionable ideas and real conversations. We're talking about topics like building community and creating an inner and outer glow. I always tell people that when you buy a handbag, it doesn't cover a childhood scar. You know, when you buy a jacket, it doesn't reaffirm what you love about the hair you were told not to love. So when I think about beauty, it's so emotional because it starts to go back into the archives

of who we were, how we want to see ourselves and who we know ourselves to be and who we can be. So a little bit of past, present and future, all in one idea, soothing something from the past. And it doesn't have to be always an insecurity. It can be something that you love. All to help you start 2025 feeling empowered and ready. Listen to Therapy for Black Girls starting on January 1st on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Hey, Andrew. Hey. Welcome to the show. How'd you sleep last night, buddy? You mean in the spanish villa the 1930s yeah so much shit as audrey hepburn got fingered into in the downstairs living room yeah to set the scene you guys i didn't tell them yet but we're i rented a huge hollywood hills house like airbnb this place uh for me and andrew and my assistant jen and noah you're gonna be here in a couple days my friend kirsten's coming out emile joaquin our friend is here now i have like i'm just having people come on out like i just decided to make this la trip not like

a hotel stay but like let's just bring my friends and stay at the house so we're at this like house that was built in 1937 in the hills uh lower hollywood hills and it's how would you describe it it's almost like a hacienda it's a compound it's literally there's a guest house a cult here there's a pool there's like an outdoor sitting area i feel like yeah like where pablo escobar probably did coke off a hooker's ass and like I feel like entourage a little bit like they would rent this house like you're like you're Vinny I'll give you that you know okay

yeah I'm Vinny I don't think Vinny would have rented this house he would rent a nicer place I mean it's like it's really it's nice but it's and it's expensive but I next time I'll go even further up this is a little bit old. I mean, I don't feel rich in this house.

I don't feel like a celebrity. I don't think you ever feel rich. Yes. I mean, I don't feel like, like the upper, like, Oh my God.

Like some of the places Amy has rented for us and the girls to stay at when, because I get this idea from Amy of like, when I'm doing big things, let's get a nice place and have all your friends come in. And, you know, but I'm not making those bucks yet. I will. But this is pretty fucking nice. Yes, dude.

It's unbelievable. Like, guys, if you were here, I swear to God, you'd be losing your shit. I'm not being ungrateful. I'm just saying it smells a little dingy. It smells like a Michigan cabin. It smells like summer camp. It's very drafty. And I like, you know.

I like that smell. Like of an open fire. No, it smells like when you're paying $1,000 a night for a house, you don't want it to smell like your friend's cabin where you had a traumatic experience in seventh grade. You mean your parents' cabin and you're seeing them fight over beer? Yeah, or your parents' cabin and you're trying to change the story really quick so no one can trace it um no it just smells

like you know a rental and i just wanted you know i'm i don't know i just got done staying in the caymans in that fucking suite in that hotel it's a little bit of a downgrade but i spent one night in it the bed is amazing the sheets are so nice they didn't skimp on any of like the amenities i'm very happy and i get to hang out with you and emile and jen until i go to bed and i don't it's it's nice to live in a house i like living in a house with my friends i wanted this is like a tiktok house dude this is it is a we are our own trap house yeah this is like this is yeah because we're making content you're out there filming things by the waterfall he had an umbrella and the waterfall and he was doing the what was it you're doing the rihanna umbrella and i go why wouldn't you do the friends theme it's an umbrella and a fountain like duh and then

emile goes i've never seen friends because emile was talking and i go okay well what year when you're born he said 1998 and i go that's that makes sense yeah you shouldn't have seen friends i've never seen you know uh moving on up what was that that moving on up i've never seen the jefferson you know so it's like generational i mean i this house i it's it's so relaxing it's a completely different vibe than staying in a hotel you're you you literally i wake up in the morning i make a coffee i sit outside i listen to the squirrels eat nuts uh i i feel very rich i feel like i'm looking down on poor people having breakfast next to you huh squirrels eating nuts that was me sorry i really liked that protein

bar that nature valley granola bar was difficult why were you up in the tree just that's i don't have an answer for that i was really trying to come up with one. Didn't get there. Didn't want to get tried. You were smacking up there, boy. Yeah, dude. It's freaking, I mean, I do like, people are like, LA's on fire. LA homelessness.

And where we are, I mean, yeah, we're privileged. We can literally look down on it and kind of, you know. Also, LA doesn't seem, like, people love making places seem shittier than they kind of you haven't been outside oh yeah i guess you went out yesterday i just was walking i just went and did nick viles podcast it's on hollywood boulevard on vine between hollywood and sunset and i was scared i got my starbucks at hollywood and then i had to walk down to sunset and it was 0.25 miles but it was uh it was crazy how that big of a boulevard is really disturbing now there's a fucking armed cop outside the starbucks on hollywood and vine i mean

hollywood and vine is like that's for you that's for you when you get the wrong order well i you know i skipped on the house and i bumped up my security yeah yeah disturbing oh that's they've hired they knew i was coming because my mobile order and they're like, bring in the SWAT team. I said three pumps, extra hot. I need a security guard, huh? Yeah, but I think that LA is kind of weird

and not great now. I don't know. I walked around. I don't really notice it. I think you notice it when you like try to see the negative. What about women?

I mean, you did shows last night. Oh my God, the best shows ever. They were great and around, outside, people I mean. You did shows last night. Oh my God. The best shows ever. They were great. And around, outside. People were happy. I did the first shows, stand-up I've done since December, November maybe.

The first stand-up I've done. How'd that feel? It was so fun. You were there. It was like in the round. It's outside, but in between two buildings. So it's like, it feels like it's indoor. People are, it was a great crowd two shows with

great comics on the lineup i mean it was like it was an honor to be on these lineups and be like a one of i don't know it's just it was it was really cool to be back i will say that it felt normal right away because i've been able to do these podcasts like i just get up there and just talk about whatever i want to and have some jokes that I can tell but I can just kind of riff now you seem very natural good you seem like you're having fun more fun than I think I've ever seen you on stage so fun to perform in the round because you could constantly like move around and like look at everyone I loved it I do love the round Jessel Anthony Jessel neck was on the show he only stayed looking one direction he was literally his back

turned I didn't even think about that Anthony was so funny I mean it was great to see other comics and we hung out with Anthony in between shows and you guys really bonded over the fact that you both went to Tulane the crazy thing is so Andrew and me and Emil and Anthony are all backstage

and Anthony if you don't know Anthony Jesselnik he's like a comedian that does these amazing one-liners, but he's like a kind of a pompous asshole. That's the character he plays. But offstage, he's like really an actually cool, fun person, like sincere, interested. And so we're backstage and, you know, Emil and Andrew only know him from his persona really.

And I'm bringing them back there to be like, let's hang with Anthony. And I don't know if Anthony's in the mood to hang out with my friends, but we got back there and within like, I would say like 10 minutes in you go, oh, I went to Tulane. You went to Tulane?

And he's like, yeah. And you guys start talking about Tulane experiences. They had so many, like they just had a secret language that me and Emil and this other guy that were back there were just like, all right, like you guys keep going. They were talking about they all knew a similar lawyer.

First of all, you and Anthony, say the similarities. Okay. He graduated when? He was a year above me. Okay. We both been arrested in New Orleans. He got arrested twice. I got arrested once.

We both used the same lawyer, this guy named Freddie King, who everyone at Tulane knows. If you got arrested, you know, Freddie King, Freddie King, he one time got off 40 kids at one time. He goes to Anthony. He goes, OK, are you pre-med or pre-law? And Anthony goes, I'm a literature major. He goes, not today. And so Freddie King's dead. R.I.P.

Freddie King, because Anthony said he went back to pay finally his bill, and Freddie was dead. Oh, that's funny. We both lit our houses on fire. They both burnt down their... Respected houses. I think Anthony's was a dorm. No, it was an apartment on the fifth floor.

He left weed burning or something. Oh, yeah. They knocked out a bowl in the wastebasket and started a fire. and then you started a fire at your frat yeah a cat died yeah a cat started it i'm not taking responsibility you left candles lit i mean i put the torch in his hand no what did you really do was it candles i left the light like a like a hot construction light on shit and then i went to eat and the cat i assume knocked it over i'm not playing him but i think that's what happened and then yeah i had so many papers on the ground because my friends ransacked my room because they're good friends and then and that's what they found hit the bottle

i'm thank god that burnt up in there i used to write poems and i wrote i told a meal last night about this because we were talking about writing songs and poetry and how like comedians get a lot of like, oh, wow, you guys are so honest. But comedians are not vulnerable at all. We maybe say things that are like honest, but we always having a bunch at the end always takes out the sincerity. It's like we're the least sincere. But when you write like I'm trying to write a song and it's just so embarrassing to write poetry or anything sincere like it truly i don't i i admire songwriters for a guy to be like a manly guy to be like i love her so much it's like the most vulnerable thing i've ever heard to like make

a moaning sound with your throat that is like a base is is your interpretation of a poem you wrote like it's it's all so vulnerable so Emile and I were talking about like, if we were to write poetry or lyrics, we would have to like burn them immediately because someone could find them. But then I told him that you, your roommates found She Hits the Bottle, which is a poem.

So I had mono and I lived in the fraternity house with mono and I was very depressed. My girlfriend really wasn't talking to me. So I decided to, you know, put the paper to pen. And I ended up putting, she hits the bottle. She went full throttle. I'm so sad. It was about his mom.

My mom was an alcoholic or I guess still is, but hasn't drank for 12 years. But boy, was she after it back then. Yeah. And I wrote a poem about it. My friends found it. She hits the bottle and she goes full throttle. It's so sweet. I'm so sorry that you got. Look, it is what it is. And friends found it bottle and she goes i'm so sweet i'm so sorry that you got look it is what it is i deserve to be hazed i should have been kicked out of the fraternity

for them finding that but i do think like i if you're a listener i want us here like send us your poems that you wrote at any point in your life we want to hear your poems oh that's yeah that'll make us laugh a lot. We loved the things that you guys sent in about saying the words wrong. Luncheon. Luncheon. Luncheon.

You said that someone said that they thought luncheon was spelled like lunch, like luncheon. I'm going luncheon. Yeah. Later. Like fish it.

I have some of those saved for our segments. Don't give it too much away. I know that Andrew can't really comprehend that we have a whole those saved for our segments. Don't give it too much away. I know that Andrew can't really comprehend that we have a whole segment devoted to these things. I see them checked off before I get them. It's amazing.

I don't even listen because I'm too scared people are going to be mean on them. And I know no one is not going to be mean, but I'm too scared of it. Isn't that so silly? But I will hear the ones when we do listener mail later in the week so let's get to it um what's the news today andrew oh man we got some stories you heard it here first yeah you heard it here first oh man i hope you guys had a great weekend had a lot of fun and all the swells

i'm not just saying that i mean it from the bottom of my farts. Okay, here we go. First story. A New York City secondary school teacher appeared to suck the nipple of an unidentified topless man while rocking back and forth while teaching a class on Zoom. What? Yeah, she was sucking this guy's nipple while teaching. Did she think her camera was off? She seemed to, like, apparently she sucked his nipple. She was eating food, and then she, like, shrugged andged like he sucked his nipple like it wasn't a big deal she makes 106 000 a year they're

looking into it they've suspended her what was secondary school teacher what does that mean it's like a secondary it's ages six through uh it's uh grades six through twelve oh what's rocking back and forth mean like she was on top of him? No, she was like this. Oh, jeez. To his nipple. How long were his nipples? Oh, like she was almost like she was blowing his nipple.

Right, yeah. She was like rocking back and forth. I mean, that is, I think she's in some sort of like slave relationship with her guy. And he like, I'm serious. But they have some weird kink where it's like like you need to suck my nipple at this time and like and she just thought maybe she could get away with it i mean that's insane did she literally say what's the big deal i'm just sucking she shrugged her shoulders and smiled and then went on with the worksheet i mean what the hell part of me would be like finally i'm paying attention to mrs you know delaney or whatever yes you know like

i i honestly would be like state is this woman in new york city damn okay well that's just that's not a good luck and uh um god i'd love to hear why did her explain that she was probably still drunk from the night before or something maybe they were like fucked up i'm thinking yeah she hasn't answered yet she hasn't i mean there's something fucked up going on either she's has some kind of mental condition or she thought her thing was her camera was off and then when she realized it wasn't she was like oh my god i can't acknowledge how fucking crazy that was i just have to shrug and smile and act like it was nothing so maybe they think it was nothing oh wow yeah that's a good defense thank you have you guys had any moments where you saw someone on zoom doing something where you're like oh they probably think their camera's off yes yeah i one time um realized i

was i wasn't on mute when i went to the bathroom on a meeting and i uh number two no it was peeing but i realized that it definitely was heard because the person was talking. Then all of a sudden they stopped talking when I pulled down my pants, like you could hear the, you know, or like something happened and I just left the meeting. I just left. I, it wasn't a thing where I was, people knew I was who I was on it. You know, it was like an anonymous type of a situation, but it was many people on a thing. I, and you know what? I, and it was people I knew too, you know, like within this, these things that I go to and I didn't care at all. It was such a beautiful moment because I realized, okay, I didn't mean to do that. I'm not a bad person for

having to go to the bathroom during an hour and a half meeting. I didn't know my microphone was on everyone who's listening to this, it wasn't like I was caught sucking a nipple on camera, which is an inappropriate thing to do in front of children. There's no children on this thing. My camera wasn't on,

so no one saw my vagina. And even if they did, I also didn't mean for that. So like I was able to literally let it go before I flushed the toilet, which was the next day because I usually like wait to flush the toilet really long time.

Why do you wait? I'm kidding. But a lot of times I do because it's just like pee and I'm just like, I'll pee on my pee later. It's my own bathroom. You were like that documentary,

the real estate guy getting like talking in the mirror but you were pissing. What? Like how he got caught by the, like he didn't know his mic was on.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. The jinx. Don't spoil the jinx. Yeah, but yes. We already spoiled it on here. You actually said his last line. I killed them all in the burping.

No, I definitely, but it, but it really was like this moment that I can't even remember, even though it was mortifying, because I was able to let it go immediately. Whenever you get embarrassed, just go, did I mean to do that? No? Okay, then fucking forgive yourself and just know that maybe people are going to laugh at you,

but who cares? You're not a bad person because you went pee on a Zoom call. Who cares? Just say like Urkel. you went pee on a zoom call who cares just say like urkel did i do that did i do that did i mean i'll have some cheese please did i do that let's bring back did i do that that's actually a good impression i think i just did a good or yeah it was a very good wait hold on i just lost it it's also known as jaheel white for cocaine oh yeah jaleel white is what they call jaleel what they call it urkel cocaine they call it urkel because jaleel white and cocaine's white yeah which is why i was like why don't they call it betty for betty white and it's closer to white it's too on the nose yeah you got some betty yeah

or what was betty white's character in uh we don't know i remember we had this conversation i go that would be we never looked at her name was as good as urkel we would do that but yeah all right so next story uh men feel like they've lost a year of connection but aren't rushing to date uh on the apps or even in person they're not feeling pressured to settle down yeah oh you would think maybe without yeah yeah i was talking to my friends i remember like five months after it happened over the last summer my friends were getting a sense that men wanted to like couple up because they're lonely we were still kind of in quarantine and now that it's opening up again i think men are probably going back to like i need to fuck a lot like i want to just like get out there i don't i

don't want to settle i don't want to because getting in a relationship is like quarantining you're like let's like hunker down and now that the world doesn't require us to do that, monogamy seems. Yeah, no one was cuddling during the Roaring Twenties. They were getting chlamydia and dying. I'm so excited about the Roaring Twenties, but I definitely am looking. I'm looking to roar a little bit,

but I'm looking to settle down. But I'm so excited about the world opening up again and people being horny for each other's mouths. Oh, the Roaring Twenties. So the thing about that article though, is that men were saying that they feel like they've lost connection with their friends and family so it's like friends and family then relationships oh i'm over it i don't want any guy who wants to like i'm so tired of men trying to like be the best brother or friend

to their guy friends you're 40 your friends have kids and families stop trying to like center your life around they don't care about you as much as you care about them you should get your own family now it's like it's become but that's different though if you have i really am obsessed with my friends obviously i like fly them out here to hang out with me when i'm doing this job like Like I'm dependent on friends and very codependent on friends. But I acknowledge that that's not going to be,

that's not something I can do. I'm doing it in lieu of a relationship. I would give it all up for a relationship. Not all of it. I still wouldn't room with you, but you would just be rooming here

with my partner. I would bring it all together. I wouldn't sacrifice a relationship because I'm like, I love my friends and my mom so much. Get yourself your mom's gonna die someday and you're gonna be alone yeah i do i do think like there's two things there's one having friends around there's another thing of like let's go to uh you know happy hour with the boys and then we're gonna get fucked up

and then we're gonna maybe head back home on Like, yeah, you don't like your friendships don't get in the way of your relationship. Yes, they are incorporated. That's the difference. I want to I'm hanging out with this guy when I'm here in L.A. and I'm dying to bring you and a meal with me because any guy that I'm going to like is going to have. We're all going to have a great time together. And then once I'm in the mode of like i want to be alone with this guy i go hey emile andrew beat it and then i start then i can he can put his hand on my leg and then we can move forward but like when it kicks off i want to

bring my friends into every date every first date i want to bring all my friends and i honestly might just be honest about that with this guy and be like i mean i do feel okay meeting this guy because i've texted with him enough and I've did meet him once before. So I might be fine going alone, but some, in some ways I'm like, maybe I'll meet him alone. And then can my friends join?

Cause I want my friends to, I went on that day. You went on that one day with me. And remember the homeless guy came up and said that he looked like, he said he looked like Matthew McConaughey to my date. And then Andrew was just pulled down his mask so that the homeless guy would tell him he looked like Liev Schreiber. He really waited for it, Noah.

He was waiting for the homeless guy to go and wait about it. And you. And Andrew said he was trying to make eye contact desperately. And then the homeless man left and Andrew admitted it. I literally held up a sign for him to say it. And he's like, yeah, no, no, no celebrity here. That was like me with my sister when i was young and my people would be like you're this girl should be a bottle and i just

be like waiting for like what they told me i said and they would just be like and you're there and you're matthew mcconaughey yeah all right all right all right all right all right it's a flat circle or something you know what i like about them high school girls you get older they just stay the same age is that it i don't know i get older they stay the same age yeah yeah watch out for the leather hat next story he was so hot in that audition have you ever seen it no you will lose your mind really insanely attractive wait i pull it up i want to i'll look at a youtube video of matthew mcconaughey's audition for uh he looks so young and spry and it's like he's got these dimples on his in his mouth he's so

fucking confident and cute and like weird and himself that's the thing what's more sexy than someone who just is themself and doesn't give a fuck what you think? Like he embodies that. Yeah, but you gotta be rich. And that's what we love about him. And you gotta be hot too. No, it's not even that.

I swear to God. I'm talented. I'm just saying like there's a lot of people that are just themselves and weird and quirky where you're like, oh, that person's just crazy

because they're poor. Look how hot he is here. I mean, he is so hot. What the fuck? I mean. He looks the same. Dude. Who is that in the shot with him?

That's the guy that grabs his nose 18 times. Okay, so he's like pretending to drive a car. He's miming it. Oh my God. I love that he's wearing a Headbangers Ball shirt. Oh, what is that? On TV, Headbangers Ball. It was one of the first heavy metal shows on TV.

He literally looks the same as he does now. Oh, his hair is so cute. That little flip at the end. What year is this audition? Oh, my God. I mean, he looks exactly like my first kiss. Honestly, he looks... Let me show you my first kiss.

My friend sent me a picture of him today, actually. I mean, that is the best looking man on earth. I'm not kidding you. Looks identical to the guy that was my first kiss how crazy is it too like some of that was like ad-libbed he's just known for like two lines and it changed his life just two sentences you read his book right and by read his book i mean listen to it yeah every one of his decisions is made by when he comes in his pants at night he has wet dreams and then he goes, oh, I should do that. I should take that role.

Yeah. He has wet dreams and it makes him go, oh, that's a good idea for me. If he comes, he realizes that's the right route. In his sleep. Yeah, in his sleep. Do you have wet dreams still? No, that's why I'm still not doing anything with my life. You can't figure out what to do.

I try to come in my sleep like mad. The other day I woke up in the morning and i was so horny coming out of my dream i didn't even wasn't even waking up it was like lucid it was still dreaming and i was so horny and i was like i all i needed was to do you ever like wake up and you're so thirsty and you're like you know there's water on your nightstand but you're like too tired to like drink it so you just like are you just stay thirsty instead. Cause you're so tired. I do that with my phone and not charge it. If I have to literally six inches.

I did that with horniness. Cause the other day I was like, I just wish in my dream, I convinced myself all my vibrators were broken or too far away. And that I was like crying. Cause I couldn't get to them. Even though I was like, wait,

no, you were in a room with so many, that would have been so fun to wake up and do that, but that's why you need a boyfriend. Maybe you have too many. Because I didn't want to go plug in things. Maybe you have too many. No.

Like it's like the buffet thing. No, I could just have used one. I could have just grabbed one off the fucking, I don't even know. I do have to charge them all. I just haven't been that horny recently. It was exciting to be woken up by it or even to think about it.

What were you dreaming of? Do you remember? No, no, I don't. I don't remember. No, you're going to be dreaming of up by it or even to think about it. What were you dreaming of? Do you remember? No. No, I don't. I don't remember. You're going to be dreaming of Matthew McConaughey standing against a wall. That is crazy how hot he is in that. It's true. That was a good poll. What's next? Database reveals over 200,000

people involved in posting fake reviews for Amazon. So essentially, these people are buying them and then filling out the five star and then returning them because the return isn't connected with amazon so they don't know yep this happens all the time and companies like that they're getting like fucked a little bit like that you know what do you mean they're getting like amazon like people are like beating the system like there's like they'll be fine amazon will be okay yeah amazon's not getting fucked

it's honestly the consumer that's getting fucked amazon doesn't give a fuck what that people are doing this because it's just giving it i mean i'm sure they act like they care but it's probably not affecting their bottom line munch yeah maybe we will maybe buy one less thing on amazon because when we read a review we'll be like maybe this is fake so it might affect them but i don't i think this is only like amazon the consumer loses out here so i know that though i oh i never read like verified review i don't that doesn't that means nothing to me don't trust anything these companies tell you they're all lying or i scroll until i see like a bad review like a and then i'm like okay that seems a little more i don't even like bad reviews

because i know that so many of those are just because that person had an alcoholic father and didn't deal with their anger about not a one something so now they're leaving a bad review on a yelp thing or okay like a four star two or three that that when you find the at like the two or three that's the review you could try yeah yeah not either side of the right a one yeah when a restaurant's given a one i'm just like fuck you yeah that's the i hate that i i used to have a joke about when guys complain about neil brennan helped me write it he goes um when guys complain wow god what was the fucking joke but it's about those people that go you know um oh when guys complain about a woman's pussy being like gross or whatever that it's like uh to a, you should be happy you even got to touch me.

It's like a Yelp review of a restaurant. It's like the food was great. The service was amazing. Great ambiance. But the door was kind of weird and hard to get through. So one star, I'll never eat there again. It should be condemned. Dude, you want to know something weird? My palate my palate you know your palate changes as you get older

yeah you got a pussy palate my pussy palate is way more um advanced not advanced but you know accepting yeah accepting and like you're not as like that's psychological for sure i just i don't know what it is i just think i got less maybe it's like when kids when they're like they don't like onions when they're little and then they grow into liking onions yeah yeah with extra that's very exciting for yours oh dude i see a beefy puss in like some like oh b so beefy you're not saying taste though you're just saying the look of it the look of it i like a like i used to think like you know i don't know what it is the way that guys talk about pussy it's like you think a beefy puss means that she's been around a lot. It's so fucking stupid.

No, I like a strong puss. I still read jokes from writers that write jokes about someone's pussy, like a whore, like a girl that sleeps around has a beat up pussy. And it's like, what? Do you watch porn? Those girls have like the tightest pussies and they're getting, they're having more sex than anyone. None of this makes sense.

A pussy, you can't tell if it's been around a lot. It's just all what we perceive it as. And now you know. I mean it could be dirty if you're not wearing underwear and you're rolling around

in mud or something. You could be dirty and be a virgin and have a really rank ass puss. It has nothing to do with if you get around a lot. It's insane.

Yeah I mean look. So I'm glad I'm so glad to hear that from you. I think my dick has gotten smaller every time I have sex. Is that a thing? I mean... It's because these pussies are so tight.

It's like wearing it away. It's erosion from these really rough pussy walls. That's so funny for a guy to be like, yeah, I got a little dick because I fuck so much. Yeah, it's just like it's scraped off it's whittled it down all right so why do you care why do i care why do i care things got hairy um well luke bryan saw uh hair on katie perry's legs during american idol she just had a baby recently she doesn't want to shave her legs. She doesn't have time for it.

But he called it out like, hey man, you got to do something about this leg hair. And she's like, no I don't. I want to cuddle with my kid rather than shave my legs. Okay, great. That's cool. Do you care? I think he probably was just saying it jokingly. There's no doubt

that a woman's leg looks better without hair. That's why you shave your back when you get or or your your chest when you get muscular like your legs look more defined when it's less hair on them it's in that and we're conditioned as a culture to like women hairless and so yeah it's gonna look better and he was probably just trying to tease her she got offended because she probably is a little insecure about that. She's maybe let herself go because she's taking care of a baby, which is a normal thing to happen when you're dealing with a job like American idol and a baby you can.

So she probably lashed back being like, well, I want to be with my kid more than. And so it became like this issue of like, you're telling me I'm not a good enough woman, which I'm sure triggers. So that's why I care because I think there's a lot of things going on, but I think it was an innocent comment.

And I think that, um, I used to be someone who always like let my hair be long on my legs if I wasn't fucking or like trying to impress a man or be intimate with a man. But now I keep it like that because I just feel sexier and I feel like I feel better. My legs feel better to me and I feel, and it's,

it's for me. And, um, but so I think they're both right. Who cares? Yeah. So I don't care actually. It's Monday.

So we're doing top one, bottom one. Dude, bottom is so much harder than top. Coming up with the worst of some things. So we'd pick a category. Noah picks a category for us. And then we go around the horn and we each say are the,

the worst of this category and the best of this category for us and then we go around the the horn and we each say are the the worst of this category and the best of this category for us so your top one moment in your top uh in your bottom one we're gonna start with bottom because we always like to end on top and what's the category noah uh the category is concert experiences oh that's concert experiences this is such a great category bravo um on this one because at first i go is this good and then i go wait it's really good let's start with bottom um noah would you like to kick us off what is your bottom one uh concert experience bottom one is 2006 when an amplifier fell on my head at the knitting factory when i went to see the band

green carnation it was their first time in america from norway i was very excited didn't even get to see them and it fell before the show um it was while the the band was setting up the tech was setting up their sound and the pa fell on me because she was like doing work behind the stack of amps so i just ended up in the emergency room with a concussion wait did they pay for it did you like not the band so i had a lawsuit the venue i had a lawsuit with the venue but it was nothing because i didn't die oh so because you didn't but did they pay for your medical bills um they paid for some of them yes right oh my god that sucks so much was it did you see it coming and was it completely out of nowhere and did it knock you out look uh in the grand scheme

of things i consider myself very lucky because the way that the amps were positioned the corner of the pa would have fallen and cracked my head open but instead she had pushed it around so the front of it fell on me and my head was able to take the impact oh my god your head didn't like go into like it didn't like get stuck on your head were you knocked out um i did see like stars around but i was like oh i'm fine i'm fine and my friend's like uh noah i don't think you're fine i'm like i really want to see the band though. But I ended up, oh my God. Yeah, what's more like punk rock than that? Like taking that on the head and then moshing.

Yeah, headbangers ball. For sure. Do you mosh? You mosh? I have, yeah. Have you moshed? No, have you? You've mushed.

I see Andrew as a guy who crowd surfs. I've never crowd surfed before because I don't want anyone touching me. I probably enjoy crowd surfing. Oh, yeah. You don't like touch unless it's a very emotional touch that releases pain that you've been storing for 15 years. You missed the intro.

And that's where my pain was from, by the way. From that experience. Yeah. Dude, you could... Man, I hope you got a little bit of money from these guys. But, you know, it's suing a place for an accident. I feel weird about that because no one... That girl didn't want to drop it suing a place for an accident that's i feel weird about that because no one that girl didn't want to drop it on you it was an accident people should be accountable

but it feels bad when you like sue someone for a lot more money than maybe you or like you just like i was in the wrong place at runtime you know what i'm gonna take this hit literally but um that sounds terrible and that's a great bottom one that was an easy one for you to come up with jesus and have you had concussions before no that was the only time i've had a concussion and did you take care of it the right way like did you not go to sleep did you um i actually and was it a verified concussion were you like throwing up like what was the deal i was okay so the doctor from the hospital emergency emergency room i went to kind of like dismissed it and he's like you're fine and then i had terrible migraines i puked i went to kind of dismissed it. He's like, you're fine. And then I had terrible migraines.

I puked. I went to sleep, which I shouldn't have. So it was just a big mess. Oh, my God. Noah. Yeah, you just don't know. Do you still listen to that band or do you get PTSD? You know, I actually stopped listening to them after that.

I bet I would too, actually. You can really associate certain stuff like that with and just go, I can't do it now yeah I got stabbed while watching Pearl Jam can't listen to it anymore and that's not your bottom story that's crazy nah it's not even close to my bottom what was your bottom

I'm having really a hard time I'll do mine my bottom was I was performing at the Caboo Festival down in I don't know in Southern California like two hours south of LA and I was doing this it was this it's this huge festival that oddly enough kind of started in the cayman islands but they did one in um southern california and i got to perform it was right when i was doing dancing

with the stars i was really stressed out i was practicing all day i'd drive down there and do this gig that i had booked long before in this tent and they're not always ideal to do these music festivals had a great set such a great time talking about dancing with stars on stage really processing in a good way and then I went backstage I was supposed to go the Foo Fighters were also headlining that night and I'm they're like my favorite band to see live ever and I was in my trailer at this festival that I'm on the same bill as the Foo Fighters like such a great day had a great set and I see a paparazzi photo

from earlier that day at Dancing with the Stars when I had gone to go get coffee. And me and Joe Amabile from Bachelor were at the same coffee place. And they- I remember this. I saw paparazzi shooting us. And I was with my friend Carlisle at this backstage.

And I saw the pictures on Daily Mail. I was so excited because I looked great in all of them. But there's one picture where my neck looked crazy. It looked too old. It looked like I had Barbara Corcoran's neck from Shark Tank. Like I looked like that old. Yeah. And I was just like, I'm going to have to.

I literally was. And I was so depressed and sleep deprived and all these things. And I saw this while you're watching Foo Fighters. No, this is right before we were supposed to walk over to Foo Fighters. I'm in my trailer and I'm sobbing because i'm like i am so old and ugly and i was feeling so bad on that show and i was like i'm gonna and carl is like they can fix that there are lasers that can fix that and i was just like that's not what i want to hear right now i all i want to hear is that i'm crazy so i texted anya and anya was like that's because you're so

skinny right now like your skin does that when you're skinny this is not you being old it's you being skinny your neck is has a lot I go I look like Iggy Pop like I it's not a good look and I was crying and I was like that was the time when I was so depressed I was like to call out some names I just really think I'm gonna have to kill myself someday and she just goes me too but mine's gonna be murder suicide and I was like you are not a good friend to have around when I'm feeling this way and i didn't go to the food fighters concert because i was crying so much about how ugly i felt and i didn't go and it was like one of the dumbest things it's just i i feel so far removed from that person who would do who would cry about something like that now that i'm able to talk about it but it was a really low moment and i got to miss out on a concert that would

have been fucking incredible yeah so that was my bottom what's your bottom i mean i guess seeing meatloaf twice maybe three times too i'm having trouble remembering if i've seen meatloaf two times or three times when i was younger when i was like 12 my dad loved meatloaf we know like two out of three what's the big one uh i would do anything yeah yeah and so i liked i liked that album it was a fun album but we saw meatloaf once and i think it was more like it was just like we went and it just my parents were going through the divorce at the time and i think my dad was probably trying to like make up for you know screaming for six years by listening to bad out of hell too and you know me love is good but he's not good enough to uh to solve that you know so

it was just kind of like we were watching and we're like yeah like me love like but you know i kind of hate you right now and you know yes and i don't remember much so that's probably why i probably even hated it more because I can't remember. You're like blocking it out because it was so bad. Yeah. Yeah. And then an amp fell on me. No, no, no.

That'd be so funny if everyone's story. But yeah. So I think just because I, you know, I didn't go to that many concerts. So to have like bottom ones. Oh, man. It's kind of tough. Another bottom for me is I went to Chris Isaac concert with my parents. And my dad was like new Chris Isaac because his cousin is friends with chris isaac

and we got to meet him backstage now this was in uh riverport in uh st louis but i had just become anorexic and i was just like starting to be very very sick looking and worrying everyone who saw me chris isaac would love that on the beach oh my god and so i sat through the whole concert i was starving the whole time and just in a bad mood that we had to meet him backstage and i just looked like i remember being like a a liability and being like and my parents almost being embarrassed to introduce chris isaac to their daughter who looked so it was just a sad day i mean that was definitely the worst that was worse than even the the other one um but let's get to best let's let him like you're a food fighter. Oh, Andrew. That's good, dude. Oh, my God.

Does it suck when I say it like that? I know it's good, but also cheesy. I like it. Yeah, someone should have given me a bowl of Dave Gruel. Well, that doesn't really fit. Gruel, Gruel. I love food fighter. That's so funny. I'm going to start calling myself that. Gruel is theuel. I love Food Fighter. That's so funny. I'm going to start calling

myself that. Gruel is the funniest word for food by far. Yeah, and why would you that doesn't even, that's not a food that you would serve an anorexic girl anyways. It just doesn't work. That's how you keep them anorexic. You feed them gruel. I mean, I eat a lot of gruel. That oatmeal I make looks like gruel. Noah, what is

your best concert experience? Okay, best concert experience has to be every time i see iron maiden which is a very famous uh metal band but the best time was in 2005 at oz fest i got to photograph them so i got to be like right up front and usually that ticket is like very very expensive so i was like in my 20s and i got that like like front like stage view and there was no mosh yes like in the photo pits and there was no like greasy guy on top of me and i just got to see that show it was great and were you with a friend no it was just me and my camera and do you oh i love going to shows by myself and did you um did you like do you sing

along do you dance like what's the vibe is it just like jumping up and down like just what do you feel when you're at an iron maiden show uh yes i can definitely sing to iron maiden because the singer doesn't growl he actually sings so yes i just like you know just like sway around and sing photographing a band also is really special you think that like i'm not one into photographing like scenery and like views and stuff but when you have a concert angle and you want to capture that moment that's it's a special moment and i'm very grateful to so many taylor swift fans who have caught uh like front row footage of her that i watch on my instagram explore page uh over and over and over

again and it's it's and I man I used to photograph Jeff Tweedy with a really nice camera I've I have some shots of Jeff Tweedy that honestly he should use in like his if there's a book of him someday like I'm a good photographer you are don't mean I do mean to toot my own horn it's like I'm a truly great photographer I have just like an eye for it I'm a natural I'm not as good as people that actually do it for a living but i'm actually better than a lot of them to be honest with you because i am a natural at street photography and you know portrait stuff but i just don't know all the technical stuff anyway i love i can't wait to go to a taylor's concert so i can take pictures of her from the angle that i'm at and like remember what it was like as shitty as it is was when people

record at concerts i appreciate it because i watched that footage scared to be in the front row of an iron maiden concert why oh just the idea that you couldn't get out or you're gonna get pushed against my mom was at the who concert where all those people were trampled in the 70s that's what i'm saying the one that's like famous first of all that doesn't happen that often the odds of that happening there's tons of metal shows every iron maiden show that happens people that's why it's iron fucking maiden but my mom was at that who concert where i think seven people got trampled to death in the 70s it's a famous i mean it's the number one story in the she was at that one and um she almost died you guys and that to me was my

best concert i'm just kidding i almost didn't exist which is what i leads us back to what i said in the trailer behind the foo fighter show no um what is your best one andrew my best one i have two best ones what's your top concert experience i would say there's this i'll just say one real quick tom petty saw him a month before he died with my brothers unbelievable i've seen him three times but my was there a moment from it that you remember and like well i was gonna go like just give that okay yes but your best in the moment my best one i showed up to um cash money millionaires which is juvenile and like all these and little wayne was part of it yeah and it was when they were blowing up with back that ass up and and me and three of my whitest friends went to the concert in New Orleans.

We didn't have tickets. We show up. They're like, yeah, oh, $40. We got you second row. And we're like, $40 for second row? Oh, DMX was opening for them, RIP. And Eve, remember Eve? Oh, yeah.

She had the palm marks on her. Oh, my God. How hot is the palm. And Eve. Remember Eve? Oh yeah. She had the, uh, palm marks. Oh my God. So hot. And she would cut it all off. Now she looked like Eve and she'd be dealing with some issues that you can't believe. Single white.

Yeah. Kanye references. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Dope. And,

uh, I always think about her cause she had that blonde hair. She almost had like, like buzz, like Cisco almost. So we go and the guy goes second row and we keep walking and we're just walking and it's a packed stadium.

Like there's no reason why we should have got second row. Like that's why I was like, so next thing you know, they sit us there and we're like, why the fuck are we second row? So this guy comes out. First Eve comes out and her dancer's tit is out the whole time she's dancing so that was fucking awesome to just see a tit on stage accidentally you think i would think so yeah

she just was dancing her titty like a tara reed moment yeah so then dmx comes out in a jail cell floating jail cell and next you know the bass starts really hitting and we're right next to the speaker so the reason why we got these seats is because no one wants them no one had a rap concert oh my god because your whole body explodes like you literally feel like you definitely got damn ear damage that night well they give you ear like why are we getting earplugs so boom dmx comes out in a floating jail cell i can't even look at him in the eyes he's so his presence was like i really can't explain it he was just like a fucking bat like oh my god i love the fucking stage you couldn't even look at him because you were like i was so intimidated what

i was so intimidated that's wild it was wild i don't even understand that so then so then you think like okay this is fucking the greatest concert because like whatever we figured out yeah the base whatever now cash money millionaires come out in a floating helicopter over the it's indoors in a crowd and they're throwing thousands of dollars in the stands just that all ones and i got four ones and i bought two beaming cokes with those ones you should have saved them but so fucking cash money gets up there and dude they go all right next mother oh the great thing too is like they had like a hype man and he pointed like look these white motherfuckers in the front row and

we're like oh great like we're just like oh don't get us so so then so then cash money fucking comes up and they're like all right next song back ass up. If you think you could back that motherfucking ass up, we want you up dance contest. So next thing I know, I get it. I get a tap on my shoulder and the girl wants to get closer to stage. So she's grinding on my dick like the most like hood rat girl you've ever seen in your life. Like like. OK. And this is great.

Next thing you know, she gets on stage and she after grinding on my dick she gets on stage she wins to back that ass up concert yes i take that four dollars i go to a bar and it was fucking unbelievable i mean that is wild and so fun and like i love the part about the dmx being so like just enigmatic and and confident do you know how he got signed no okay it's a quick story quick I'll go through mine really rapid fire. So he, so I forget the Jewish guy from like Def Jam or whatever

was going to listen to other rappers, right? And people have heard of DMX. Like there was like talks about him in the Bronx or Brooklyn or whatever, wherever he was from. He had his mouth wired shut because he broke his jaw a few days before that.

Kanye again. He fucking walks walks in people like spread for him and he starts rapping through the wire could hear his jaw break like the metal breaking that's how hard he was rapping and he just broke his rebroke his jaw it's like when forrest gump runs yeah that's how it is when he jumps over the braces are but no no no no when he's a kid and he's being bullied and his braces on his legs and they fall apart he jumps over a fence when that happens oh he does you don't remember i don't remember that part but yeah that's what it reminds me of like it's like all the the the infrastructure

that's holding this thing is breaking down and you could hear it like the pain that he must be going through is like it was it was enough it was worth putting up with to emote what he wanted to do in his like his rap that's so fucking cool i love that story yeah badass my best concert stories are really like uh i gotta i just i have like top five but honestly the best moment um was i went to go see you two with one of my good friends sean o'b yeah. And he, I had a chance from Sirius when I was working for them to go to this, like, to go see U2

live at the Apollo Theater in Harlem, a private show for just Sirius employees. And it was, like, very, like, it wasn't packed, and I got to go, and I got to, Sean O'Brien is the number one U2 fan I know, and I got to ask him if he wants to go to thisBrien is the number one YouTube fan I know and I got to

ask him if he wants to go to this private event which is such a great gift to give to a friend who you know is like that'd be like if someone said do you want to go to a Taylor Swift private event which I have been to before and that's also on my list so I go I get I get uh Sean Sean flies in he can't fucking believe it he still talks about to this day of like I don't I still can't get over it because he was the biggest fan so we go to the show and i'm just loving that seeing my friends so happy but i will say the and i loved it because i knew so many more youtube songs than i knew great performance we were on the floor at the apollo that you choose you know 10 feet from me and um but he played the song uh stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it but he prefaced it anthony bourdain had just

committed suicide i think a week prior and i was fucking torn up by his suicide i remember where i was i sobbed i don't sob when like friends die sometimes like it was really weird how much it impacted me and i hadn't like processed it my mom and sister had been in town and i like went to his restaurant like put flowers and like left a note but I just wasn't like it like actually like feeling it and um and because I was also dealing with a lot of suicidal ideations at the time like struggling or I had in recent memory and and then Bono said this next song um you know we just lost Anthony Bourdain we lose so many amazing people to suicide who just um he was like I lost my best friend of the band. I think it's in excess was the lead singer of the band.

That was one of Bono's best friends. And he said that he, like he wrote this song about his friend. He was just mad that his friend had committed suicide. And he was just wrote the song about like what his friend was going through and that this was dedicated to Anthony. And like, he just made a statement about like these people,

like if you just just get just wait for the moment to pass and then when I was going through depression and then the song played and it was beautiful I was like crying and my friend Sean is there and I'm like having this fucking existential moment listening to the song having heard the song really for the first time even though I've known that song forever I mean they put it on my iPhone against my will in 2000 wait no that was a different album but like i've always known that song and now it's one of my favorite songs of all time and when i was going through really bad depression this past summer i played it all the time and it really that his death was not in vain because it got me out of my suicidal ideation

sometimes to be like this is just a moment this too pass. You're stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it. You say that later will be better. Now you're stuck. And the whole thing, and this brings us back around to what I was saying in the beginning.

That's why I fucking love this podcast. Final thought. That song, I love that song because it is not mad at his friend. It's not,

I don't understand why you did this. Woe not mad at his friend. It's not, I don't understand why you did this. Woe is me as your friend. It is compassion. It's just like fully understanding what that person's going through. It's not invalidating it. It's saying that you are in this, but it will pass. It's not saying get over it. Don't be sad. Look at your life is perfect. It's acknowledging you are in pain. I acknowledge your pain, Noah, as your massage therapist, acknowledge your pain. Let's all do better to acknowledge each other's pain because just because you wouldn't maybe process pain the same way that someone else is going through. Like I used to get mad at Andrew before shows because he would be like have nervous energy.

And I don't like to be nervous and I don't, I'm not nervous. So why are you nervous? It's not a big deal. And I'm the big name on the show. I should be the one nervous. What are you nervous about? They're not even there to see you. I wanted to invalidate his, his nervousness and his feeling because it made me feel like I'm not nervous. I'm not treating this with enough respect. So it really, I was just mad at myself for not caring because to me, nervousness is caring and I'm insecure about not caring enough or being lazy or something so i used to always do that to you and make you feel bad about it i'm not saying i won't ever not do that to you because sometimes your nervous energy is shitting in my bathroom that i don't want to smell your poop or farting on on mike but um yeah it's just it's nicer if we all just go when you were biting your hands i

just go don't bite you, instead of being like, what are you nervous about? But I still do that to you. It's hard not to. And it's all about just being compassionate of others. Yeah, no, I think you said it all there. But that was the best moment. Can I just say a couple more moments?

So just rattle them off. I bet you it's Taylor Swift. Okay, well, I haven't had my best Taylor Swift moment yet. It's almost like the way I feel about love. Like my greatest love is waiting for me. My greatest moment has yet to come for a concert moment. It is TBD. It is Taylor Swift is the first time she goes back on stage is maybe a

private concert of sorts, but I don't think I'll be able to really emotionally handle seeing Taylor Swift live with how I haven't seen her live since a rooftop show in 2015. I mean, you 2015 in New York. And so that is six years ago. I am such a huge fan. You guys are going to align.

It's going to happen. I will cry. I will cry. It will be very emotional. But seeing her on the Red Tour was an emotional experience. I already had loved her, but not the way I do now. And then seeing her live on that rooftop was really cool because we made eye contact beforehand. She goes, I go, it's cold. And then seeing her live on that rooftop was really cool because we made eye contact beforehand. She goes, it's, I go,

it's cold. And she was like, yeah. And that was fun to like have a moment with her. Cause she like, it was a very private event. It was, I,

you can see me in it. It's she sings welcome to New York on a rooftop in New York for to, to debut 1989 in New York. The, the fucking empire state building is like lit up like Taylor Swift color colors. It's a beautiful performance. And that was really fun.

And then the other one is when I went to Nelly Furtado with my mom and my best girlfriends in 2002. And we were obsessed with her album that had I'm like a bird. But the whole album is fucking amazing and bright and fun and girly. And we memorized it all. And we went to go see her at Mississippi Nights, a small venue. And my mom came with us. And my mom was like one of the girls that night. And like, I just remember my mom being like, that was the most fun I've ever had at a show. And I was like, this is what I do, mom. I get obsessed with the band. And then I go wait in

line to go see John Mayer, Howie Day, Counting Crows. And then I'm Wilco, Dave Matthews. And then I am front fucking row. And then i sing and dance the entire time and have and maybe make eye contact with them maybe steal john mayer's water bottle and chug it with my friends because we uh we then we convince ourselves we're drinking his backwash so we might have maybe kissed him we steal howie day's sweat rag we fucking i i i touched uh adam duritz's dreadlocks which you're not supposed to do you're not supposed to touch people's hair but definitely not uh uh dreadlocks well he's white so you can touch yeah it's fine you're not supposed to touch black women's hair or black men's hair i think that's the thing that you try to do to

respect people and just hair in general but i did touch his dreadlocks because i was so close to him at this venue and that was the best show ever but he was mad at me for touching his dreadlocks i could tell he was like not happy with it did you get did you rip one off no i just like i i like to say that i like put my hands to them like a wind chime like you would like they just kind of like ding ding ding and i remember him looking at me like too far like i'm giving you my hand don't touch my hair and that's when i learned like yeah these you don't want to treat these people right that was a total i was 17 i was just like a girl that was like seriously in love with adam duritz and just wanted to like have his dna i gotta go i just still remember crying at dave matthews and my friend said are you crying i go my grandpa died but

really it was just about dave what song was it lover lay down it was obviously freaking uh back you up back you up no it wasn't back yo because he never plays that a lot it was it's probably crash yeah it's a beautiful song it's a sweet song it's a sweet song i hope that's what he says about uh some song on live at luther college thank you guys so much for listening follow us on instagram dm us leave us voicemails you can find that link in our bio and then get tickets to come see me on tour and Andrew he will be at every date besties this is a show made for besties uh Nikki Glaser going on tour NikkiGlaser.com slash tour and uh thank you so much as always for listening and this whole week we'll be here with you with me Noah and Andrew so I can't wait all

live from LA. entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid.

Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms.

Tune in and join in the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, an investigative journalist,

and this is my journey deep into the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy in my adult. He was like, I'll take you to the top, I'll make you a star. To expose an alleged predator and the rotten industry he works in. It's honestly so much worse than I had anticipated. We're an army in comparison to him. From novel, listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

I'm Tomer Cohen, LinkedIn's Chief Product Officer. If you're just as curious as I am about the way things are built, then tune in to my podcast, Building One. I speak with some of the best product builders out there. I've always been inspired by frustration. It came back to my own personal pinpoint. So we had to go out to farmers and convince them. Following that curiosity is a superpower.

You have to be obsessed with the human condition. Listen to Building One on the iHeartRadio app, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts. Did you know that 70% of people get hired at companies where they already have a connection? your podcasts. step of the way with advice on resumes, networking, negotiation, and so much more. Listen to Get Hired with Andrew Seaman on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you like to listen.