The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #290 Pirate Cookie

Episode Date: November 2, 2022

Nikki and Andrew talk about scrolling through Instagram while their partner watches. Yesterday’s Instagram glitch felt like a conscious uncoupling. Nikki has a prediction about the next book trend. Andrew describes his Halloween adventure pretending to be Ben Affleck. You Heard It Here First, what if your memories of cheating could be dulled? And Nikki gets a cryptic text from Dr. Busive. In Reddit Dump they talk about gross habits, Heidi Klum’s Halloween costume and favorite celebrity couples. ---- Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Get Pod Merch: Podshop.NikkiGlaser.com Nikki's Tour Dates: www.nikkiglaser.com/tour Andrew's Tour Dates: www.andrewcollincomedy.com   More Nikki: IG More Andrew: IG  More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. It's Nikki Glaser Podcast. Welcome to the show. It's Tuesday. I'm back in Los Angeles, California. Andrew is in St. Louis. Noah is in Arizona. She has a new wall that she painted just right behind her.

That's all she painted was the space behind her. But it's her house. You can do what you want to. Why did you tell? I don't know because I have nothing else to say. Can you show the camera yes i can hold on let me max so this is bad andrew you forget that we have an audio podcast but that's okay let's see so you see how like i didn't paint right now no i can't i can't see because you're

on a little sliver so this was this is a failed attempt but it's fun it's a maxim so you just yeah you just do what you can you know it's where did you go get the paint um i went to sherwin williams because my sister-in-law used that and what is there isn't it like ask now ask trust, trust now, trust Sherwin Williams. I feel like they have a slogan. Yeah. Well, I would have just gone to Home Depot.

Like, what do you, how do you know where to go? I would have gone to Home Depot. Did they walk in? Do they make you like go like, do they go like, what are you painting?

What do you, what kind of like, do they give you a bunch of, do they make it a whole thing? Or are you just like, I just want a yellow yellow just make it easy because i'm already stressed out about going to buy paint for a room that i don't i'm not painting what's okay so i chose sherwin williams because my sister-in-law used them for her house and i was like okay great now i know where to go yeah less options and i found uh like five colors that i was thinking about on pinterest so i just went

there and i was like i want oh yeah took them home hung them up on the wall for a couple of days and then landed on this one and i hated it when i when i started painting it i hated it it looks like i mean i don't know if your color is off but it looks like beige it looks like a or a yellowy beige it's double latte double latte oh my god that's kind of what i get is it i kind of like it because it enhances vanilla and stevia oh it enhances white people's skin tone my yeah my my bronzer kind of goes with my bronzer so i'll keep it yeah it's nice i like it i like watching uh paint get mixed it's very relaxing to see it in the store when they're just spinning it oh so

you've gotten to buy paint too like twice yeah it's you know you're like it's green wall you have like a they give you a brown stick for some reason i don't know what you really do with that oh yeah oh yeah we painted in my bedroom on my reality show that was so fun to like open the paint and just like and it's i mean smelling paint the whole time my mom was just like nikki you're gonna get it everywhere and she was right but it was just i think i was just filled with anxiety any kind of paint i'm just i think my mom has placed a ample amount of just complete anxiety and concern over me spilling paint. So I don't like paint at all. I don't like nail. But I'm really good with nail polish.

People are like, I think some people go, how did you do your own nail? They'll sometimes watch me do my nails and they're like, how are you doing that? And I'm like, how do you not do this? Like what are people? People paint their nails like they're a three-year-old i guess some people but it's very easy i don't i i definitely if going to get your nails done is like a better option because they're definitely they get they cut your cuticles and everything and they can get a like a tighter gloss like more close to your nail

but no what do you ever paint your nails like some women i've heard are like i could never do that and i'm like it's just like just it's it i'm not trying to act like i'm a genius or something i just don't understand what's so hard about it what's hard about it is painting my right hand with my left hand it's always shaky let me give you the tip hold your hold your left hand steady like put your hand with the the paint on like you know wrist rest your wrist on the table so that's steady and then you move your right hand along the brush oh oh interesting if that makes sense that's not what i do because i guess i can paint with my left hand but that is a thing that you can do if you're having the shakes. But also, my problem with nail paint is that I cannot,

I will not have the patience to let it dry. Never, ever will I ever paint my nails and not nick one of them at least because it takes really 35 to 40 minutes before they're solid. And even then, if you pull up your pants or you button your jeans and you nick it just enough, it's still soft enough that it can just, like, you know, cake frosting. Just scoop up on your nail. But I feel like at a nail salon, they kind of, like, make you stay. And they're, like, monitoring you.

Are there little dryers for your hands that will speed up the process? Yeah, they do those. And you can get them for your home, but like that's why girls do gel nails or I do Sally Hansen like rapid because I just want it to be fast because I will always bump them.

But the girls that have patience do their own nails and then they don't destroy that. Like my nails look perfect when I get done with them. Destroyed within minutes from me forgetting to take out my Invisalign and I have to do it. And then I go up in there and I scrape it on there or pants or digging in something for your purse. But gel nails, those are the ones that cost more, but they dry right away.

And they are hard as rocks as soon as you leave. And that was like the greatest thing to ever happen because you don't have to wait at the nail salon forever and just sit there like a fucking idiot just looking out the window with your nails in that little dryer like just a dumb girl just like looking at the window you i just look feel like such an orphan whenever i'm at the nail salon looking out the window with my nails you can't be on your phone right yeah you can, you can't do anything with your hands. And so you're just like, your neck kind of cranes towards the window like,

oh, someday somewhere I'll be adopted out. Maybe you could pay someone else there to go through your phone for you. Like, you know, another person. It's not a bad idea. You know, pay them an extra $30

and they'll scroll through Instagram. But, I mean, can you imagine looking through your phone and scrolling through Instagram with someone else? Have you ever had Brenna like look over your shoulder when you're looking through Instagram or like gone through? Nothing's bad, but you feel like she just saw like, I don't know,

some nuclear codes that you've been holding onto to blow her up. I don't know. Something terrible. codes that you've been holding on to to blow her up i don't know something something terrible you know like oh these are your deepest darkest thoughts but you're just looking at a pair of nikes your feed is like very personalized to you i mean i'm not ashamed of mine and i i i kind of like when chris looks at mine or i get to look at his because i'm like oh my god it's so different than mine like the things we look at although i've said it before our reddits are like the same except he follows f1 things um and so we're constantly sending each other the same reddit thing at the same time because it's showing up on our feed at the same time we both are like laughing at the same time about something that is happening on

both of our phones but yeah people's feeds are so different it is a weird thing when like you probably don't follow a lot of hot girl accounts because you have a girlfriend and girls don't like that but um i think a lot like there are guys that i've like noticed i'll sometimes just like go down a rabbit hole i guess of just looking at some like i'll see like a hot girl in someone else's picture i'll go who is that and then i'll go to her thing and then i'll see her hot friend who's like they're acting like lesbians in every photo but they're not really and that's like their brand you know it's just like rubbing on each other oily and wearing crystals and then i'll look at pizza yeah yes or like holding a cookie next to their eye i mean that's how you eat it or something i'm like i love cookies there's a girl yeah cookie pirate and so cookie pirate is like hashtag

but then you go and you look at cookie pirate So you go down this, like through eight clicks, you find like the hottest, most vacuous, most like only there to show her shiny tits and like her shiny cheekbones and like her big fish eyes and her big pouty lips. And she doesn't do anything else on there. We all knew these girls and they have like 17 million followers.

And you see their posts and you start going, oh, look who follows her. Like you start seeing guys that like their posts and you're like, ew, what is this? And I just go like, and some of these guys are guys that have like slid in before to be like, you're beautiful to me and like make me feel special.

And I'm just like, oh, that's nice. Like that's, you know, nice try. I have a boyfriend or whatever. But then I i go why would any girl ever trust any of you scoundrels that are like liking hot girl instagrams and i used to think it was not like um a big deal for guys to do that like i'm like they're allowed to like like i would i wouldn't care if like chris followed like hot girls on instagram he doesn't i don't think because i like you know aside from his sister you know she's hot but not like you know she's not one of

those girls on there but like he doesn't follow like those people but i wouldn't mind but if he were liking it or like writing like beautiful or like heart emojis like if that is if you are a guy that does that that is a bad fucking look it's weird it's suspicious and every time you go on someone's it's always like um you know who whatever their name is and six million others i'm just like ew it's like what i said on the podcast yesterday when i was solo like if you are ever waiting outside at a brunch spot and it has like hundreds of people in line or you're you're just like one of the masses. It like makes me grossed out. Like have your own thing.

Go like someone who like, like, Oh, when people like, um, like Billie Eilish's post where she's just like pouting and like, I'm cold and it's just her tits. And I just like,

I'm just like, you're a 40 year old man. Stop liking Billie Eilish's. It's for the music. Yeah. Yeah. Have you like heard like her, like new, new single? i'm a pouty

little girl yeah pirate i'm a cookie pirate dude i think though like what would be creepier that or what would like if the problem is they either have 18 million followers or they have like 500 followers and then if you're like liking a random girl who's hot who only has like 600 followers that could be even worse you know what i mean that feels like unless you know the girl and you are fucking her yeah in a relationship you don't write anything under their thing like listen i know that people still write things under mine i'm not talking those people aren't listening to this podcast right now and you can write like that not talking. Those people aren't listening to this podcast right now. And you can write like, you know, like those people don't listen to podcasts. Don't you think?

Like, we're not going to reach those guys. They follow you for your legs, not your comedy. Right. Yeah, I want to fuck your feet. Also, I love what you said about like self-care. Like, go you about veganism and also i like want to eat like your toes and shit did you see on instagram yesterday did you lose a ton of followers and did you freak the fuck out oh yeah my instagram was kind of going wild everyone's was did you look into it i just uh it was funny because brenna was also looking at it because

she got over 2 000 followers because of that photo and now all these creepy guys are following her oh no she's getting that now which photo yeah the jlo photo yeah our halloween photo right just yeah so so yeah we noticed it and we googled it and apparently some people were like i'm getting fucking elon is now taking like they like connected it with like oh because i'm a right winger that they're taking yeah people were getting banned for no reason and then all of a sudden followers were dropping like but i don't ever notice my follower account whatever like moving that much but i realize i don't i don't specifically know the number but i when it changes i notice it because i'm so used to seeing the number at the top of the page i don't even it's almost like the shapes change and i go why is that shape changed up there

if you know what i'm saying do you know what i mean yeah it's like if someone got a haircut as opposed to like i know exactly how many inches your hair is you're just like that looks different up there and i think i'm just like a and so i was just like that number two of those numbers has changed usually it's like one or a point one or whatever and i'm like there's too much change up there and i started looking at it and then i and then i clocked it and i was like okay that's the number i guess maybe i was crazy i thought it was more before but that's fine and then two minutes later i go back and i posted a picture and it was getting like no likes and i i really don't usually track that stuff but i was yesterday stuck in the airport for so long and all i had to do was just refresh instagram and nothing was happening online because it was

eight in the morning on the east coast and so i noticed it and i was like why am i getting like no likes on this this is a fucking funny haunted picture and then i was like oh my god and then i saw and i was it was like dropping by thousands every two minutes like it would drop down a whole thousand and i was like what is happening so then i and it's so funny because i got a text from this guy that texts me i probably like once every three years. And he's kind of like this comedian that like a lot of people aren't friends with anymore. Who's just like, I don't know. He's burned some bridges.

And I've always been like nice to him because I've, you know, mental illness sucks. And he, and I have empathy and I'm also terrified that he'll turn on me. But he wrote me and was like, Nikki, my follower count just dropped dramatically. Wait, what did he say? I got to read it. But it was like so funny. He was like, hey, Nikki, for some reason, Instagram deleted my account and I'm at a loss trying to get it back.

Oh, yeah. So people's accounts are being deleted. That's what's happening. That's why you're losing followers. People were arbitrarily having their accounts deleted. He's like, I'm reaching out to my famous friends if they have contacts over there or their agents. As you can imagine, it sucks for business.

I'm just like, I just go, everyone is losing followers and getting suspended today. Not just you. It's a glitch. And then, which is a new Taylor Swift song. And so I said, it's a glitch. And then he was just like, oh, good to know. Thanks.

But it was like, all you have to do before you write your famous friends, asking them if their agents can get you back on, is Google it. And at the time, there was nothing on Google. But go to, why are people so, just don't jump to the thing that's going to be the most, say you have the thing wrong. You're not right about what is happening. Like, everyone I think sometimes jumps to, it's happening to me. It's me. say you have the thing wrong. You're not right about what is happening. Like everyone,

I think sometimes jumps to, it's happening to me. It's me. And my first thing is like, I hope this is happening to everyone. I went to Reddit and just went to losing followers. Oh no, I went to actually,

first I Googled losing thousands of followers. And then it was like, why could this be? And there were all these articles. It was like, your brand isn't strong enough. You're posting too many promotional things i'm like all i posted was a picture of myself in a in a snow white mask from you know halloween in the 80s and they're like

other reasons like you you there you follow too many bots and i was like or that but i don't have but i didn't or you bought followers i'm like i've never done that i've just rented them and i was like what's so then i went on then i went on in reddit which is if you don't know reddit is you know today's tuesday it's reddit dump day reddit is the number one place to go for information i don't know if you guys know that but it's like people know that now there's like articles about it that google sucks and if you want an answer to a specific thing it's somewhere on reddit so if you type in reddit and then your question it'll get a more specific one i go to reddit and boom in the subreddit instagram it says i'm losing followers anyone else and everyone's like i'm losing thousands thousands hundreds tens you know i'm getting banned i just got banned i didn't do

anything i haven't posted in weeks i just got banned and so like okay it's a glitch they'll figure it out right i love that guy, though. It sounds like if he's burned a bunch of bridges, he might post some things that might get you kicked off. So he jumps right to... It's a glitch. It's a glitch. And then he's like, no, it's a burning cross that I posted.

Yeah. So there are some people that got kicked off that day. He was like, yeah, it was that picture of kanye on a cross being that i posted in sympathy it's like it's not a glitch call your agent i mean it's yeah no it is like it is kind of crazy to think about how much because we are comedians we do depend on social media away i was like please let this be the end take it away yeah everyone is i saw a girl the other day post um a thing that was like guys it's been a long time coming but i'm stepping away you know this whole thing of like yeah yeah i'm stepping away from

instagram i'm going to have my assistant post things. It's just not good for my mental health. I can't stop doom scrolling. And so this will be active, but I will not be on it. And it's just like, I'll see you in a month, bitch. Like, there's no way. A month, an hour. Yeah. I'll see you in a month at most. At most. Also, you're asking your assistant, how's it going over

there? I screenshotted it so I can laugh when she's back posting things. Then you just look at your assistant's face looking at your instagram i don't yeah yeah and go what is it what does it say i can tell by your face how many likes i can tell by your face that's less than 3 000 likes oh my god um the the thing is like i get it people this is what people do with alcohol they're like never again and then they're drinking the next weekend. And they want to announce it to everyone.

I'm never smoking cigarettes again. And you want to announce it to everyone because you want to be accountable. So it makes sense why they do it. I'm not shitting on that. But we all have to realize that these things are much bigger addictions than just like, I'm stepping away. I'm taking a conscious uncoupling from my social media. It's going to take the world blowing.

It's going to take serious. I think I predict there's this girl that I follow. This is going to be negative, I feel. No, it's not. I predict an explosion of, not a real explosion, a figurative explosion. Figurative. not a real explosion a figurative explosion figured yeah yeah self-help books techniques and uh courses to help people get off social media within the next couple years it's like it's going to be there's going to be a mass exodus there will be something else that we all go to but it is getting it's getting to be the too much people are gonna i just like mentally we

can't take it anymore it's just too much um but that's my prediction we'll talk a little bit more about instagram when we get back on this break hey guys it's your girl nikki i don't know why said it like that, but you know I'm on tour. I talk about it a lot. I had my first shows this past weekend and they were so freaking good. And I'm really excited for you to see this material and just to meet you guys. Upcoming dates that I have are this weekend in Reno, Nevada, or Nevada, however you want to say it. And then Santa Rosa, California. Next week is Thousand Oaks, California and Valley Center, California. Then the weekend after that is

Burlington, Vermont, Providence, Rhode Island. And then we've got Memphis, Tennessee. And then we've got Atlantic City and Tulsa and Oklahoma City. This is all before the end of the year and then we've got Atlantic City and Tulsa and Oklahoma City. This is all before the end of the year and then rounding out the end of the year with St. Louis at the Stiefel Center. So if you can make it to any of those dates, I would love, love, love to see you there. You can get tickets at NikkiGlazer.com

and it just means so much to me when you guys come out and I get to see your faces and just know that I'm not famous enough, that it's not lost on me. Each and every ticket sale matters to me when you guys come out and I get to see your faces and just know that I'm not famous enough that it's not lost on me each and every ticket sale matters to me and you matter to me so thank you for your support if you can afford it do it if you can't hopefully someday you can catch me in a way that you can see me and I love you thank you Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at the Daily Show which means he's also back in our ears on the Daily Show ears edition podcast the Daily Show podcast has everything you need to

stay on top of today's news and pop culture you get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment politics sports and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, we're back um speaking of instagram you and brenna posted that you went to a halloween party you dressed as ben affleck she just was j-lo um on friday was it it was uh saturday saturday saturday how was? Who came up with the idea?

What was the execution? Where'd you get the markers for your Ben Affleck back tattoo? I mean, it was my idea. She does look a little like J-Lo, I think. Yes. Her grandfather would tell her, which I felt like was a weird thing that I learned, that her grandpa was like,

you know, you should dress like J-Lo more. Which kind of comes off kind of creepy. Yeah. He's like, you know, you should dress like J-Lo more. Like, which kind of comes off kind of creepy. Yeah. He's like, you know, well, cause J-Lo's never been modestly dressed. It's not like he's like talking about a version of J-Lo that.

In that wedding planner movie. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That one movie where she wore like a, you know, her neckline was like all the way up. Yeah.

So I was like, I was like, i think it'd be so funny if because i thought the idea to put just the ben affleck tattoo is obviously the funniest thing ever with that because she's like with p diddy with that in that outfit which is the coolest thing that bretta shows yes yes and the most uncool thing would be. You can't be that, by the way. Yeah, it'd be tough for me to meet P. Diddy. Yeah. That would be it. So I woke up that morning, and I've talked about it. She wasn't so into it. And then I was like, come on, it would just be fun.

And she's like, no. And then once we started rolling, and she got into it, we went to Target, we went to Michael's. She was really into it. And it was a really fun, like, it felt like a scaven really fun... What made her choose that look? It was either going to be that or the green dress. It was cheaper. I guess it's cheaper.

Did you find the green dress somewhere? Did you order the stuff online? No, we just went to... It was the day of. We got a Nordstrom rack. We got the pants and the belt. We got the thing from Michael. I don't even know what's in Michael's.

I don't even know what Michael's is. Doesn't Michael's smell so good? It's kind of fun in there. You feel like arts and crafts, like a little kid. The lighting is terrible. The ceilings are too low. But I love the smell. And I love just the old women shuffling around in different aisles,

picking out doll eyes and like those little pipe cleaners and like rubber stamps. And just this one's two stories in. Really? Yeah. And like Chester, not Chesterfield fucking anywhere. No one cares. Yeah. You know, when you get off Highway 64, you went too far podcast so it was a fun little like i don't know i love doing those things and i i just picture like though like a tiktok couple

that does that like every two days and i'm like we were done like after we did it once getting things together getting things for the photo posting it we're like all right we're good for a year now like yeah it was a really good collab i know doing um doing couples outfits is fun chris and i have never been together this is oh my god chris chris is leaving right now this is we made it through halloween we never have been together on a halloween we had a really good halloween too yesterday was i mean we we went to a show on Sunday night, but then yesterday, Chris was an amazing boyfriend to me all day long. I appreciated him so much.

Now he's taking out the recycling. Can you just say hi? Hi. I love you. Oh, he's still in costume. He's still in costume. I broke the boxes down. You do look like a dude.

I did. But we both did. Yes. What's that? If you don't break boxes down, you're a monster. Correct? It's fun. It kind of feels like.

The worst. You gots to break the box. Chris agrees. If you, to the people leaving boxes full in our, I mean, I've told this before. In our building, it says, please. I mean, our building is so clean the service people the people who clean it and service the building works

so freaking hard it is immaculate it's one of the reasons I moved there you just walked in you're like this place is nice the people who work here care for it even though they don't live here and that's what you pay for and these fucking slobs in our if you you know if

you're listening to the podcast and you live in my building you know who you are i know some people listen to the podcast you're a fucking slob how did you learn it though because i learned it working in retail when i had to take out garbage well i learned it from the sign in the storage room that says please break down your boxes and put them next to the bin so it's they do everything for us i mean you don't have to even go down to another level it's on your floor is a is a trash room it says trash room on it because and you know what that's an ample word for the people who go in there sometimes because they are trash white trash you know white trash is not a nice term but you are trash if you go in there and

you just and by the way on your box is your name and your apartment and i have been so fucking tempted when they just throw their boxes in there not broken down expecting someone else to do it no what i want to do is take their box back and throw it in front of their door and knock on their door and run away and just go and leave a note that says break it down i'll break it down you're a piece of shit break it down because all you do is think about yourself you don't think about other people you don't think that they're actually people who clean up after you if you're one of the like i i realized probably 10 years ago maybe it was probably 20 at this point because you know when you like realize that you've been saying 10 years ago for something and you're like oh man i gotta update that yeah i'm so much older

10 years ago i played t-ball yeah yeah it's not yeah it's not my 20 year reunion is coming up in uh in a couple weeks i'm like yay so it's probably 15 years yeah yeah and um 15 years ago i just was like i just had a realization like you especially going to bars where people are drunk girls trash bathrooms i mean there's toilet paper everywhere there's paper towels everywhere i have not once in 15 years and now i make it a thing of like i've never left a piece of paper whether it's a paper towel whether it's a you know you're pulling out the toilet paper and it's like, you know, you get little pieces and they just fall. I pick up every single one because I remember one time, and I know this is what I'm talking

about. People don't, you're an adult who doesn't realize that other people have to do that. If you don't do it, someone is going to have to bend over and do that. And the someone is the person that didn't even make the mess in the first place and yes that's their job no their job is to empty the bin in which you throw it in you little trash raccoon it's not their job to pick up your because you are in a rush to get to your gate and just throw the paper towel and it you know oh they're already spilling all over there's no room push it down with another paper towel i don't want to touch i don't know what's in there take a wad of paper towels and push it all down keep it all in there i'm a messy

trashy gross person if you look around my apartment it looks like a bathroom in you know the lower east side in 2008 at like a punk show. Like it's, there is crap everywhere. Noah was there. Yeah, Noah was there. But it's just, people are gross. Anyway, back to Halloween. So you guys, what party did you guys go to? And I saw you won. Just in our building. In our building.

Wait, this was. On the third floor. We went to. You did this all for your, for our building? No, we did it for, I did it for the Instagram photo. Yeah, for influence. I was like, I'm using you to get, to get the likes. Oh my God, that's so funny that things, you do costumes it for her. I did it for the Instagram photo. I was like, I'm using you to get the likes. Oh my God, that's so funny that you do costumes now for Instagram.

Honestly, that would never occur to me. Well, we did do things. We went to, I mean, my costume was just a tattoo on my back, so you didn't know until I lifted my shirt up. But we went downstairs, and we didn't know there was going to be a party. They put out this whole tricurity whatever that's right god damn shit this is when i retire all right you know what it's been a good run um wait i just want to thank everybody you know i'm going to take some

time away if you if you have eaten from the board you need need to know how to say it. All right, teach it to me. Charcuterie. Just try it. Let's say there's a gun to your head, and you have to get it right, and you're not trying to be cutie about it. Just really try. I'm really not trying to be cutie. Charcuterie. Charcuterie.

Come on. Charcuterie. Oh, boy. You're in squid game. I just got shot. I'm dead. Charcuterie. Yeah, this is squid game. Tracurity. Oh, boy. You're in squid game. I just got shot. I'm dead. Yeah, this is squid game. Tracurity.

Call it security. My thing is, like, you've probably encountered this word, especially with Brenna, a million times, and you still won't learn it. Like, do you every single time, do you just go, do you just, what happens when you've said it before? Is it wrong? I do you every single time, do you just go, do you just, what happens when you've said it before? You know how many times I've said esthetician wrong?

I've said esthetician, esthetician. I can't say that word. There's like a few words that just don't. But it's because you're lazy. It's not because you're like, you have, don't make this about like, but I have a condition.

It's not lazy. I do have a condition. It's called dumb. I'm dumb. I can't do it. No, it's not. I can't. I try. If you can memorize M it. No, it's not. I can't. I try.

I've learned the word. If you can memorize Eminem's whatever. Seven different levels of devil worship and horse's, human sacrifice, cannibalism. You can memorize charcuterie. Okay. Do it one more time. Char. Char.

Q. Char. Q. Q. Ter. Q. Charque. Charque. Teri. Charcuterie. Q Q Q Q Char-Q Char-Q Tury

Char-Q-tury Char-Q-tury Yeah Char-Q-tury Est Est Esthetician Esthetician

Yeah Yeah The esthetician ate from the char-Q board yeah very nice that's great okay so they had a charcuterie i mean it's funny to me that you know you don't know that word and yet you why can't you just not mention what was i gonna say the meat plate well i would just skip over it if i didn't know what was called cheese yeah cheese and meat plate i didn't know until i went for it that's what they mean to you they mean like you have an esthetician in your life who means so much you have a charcuterie board that means so much to you yet you won't learn what those words are i

mean they're both very similar kind of words they're both the same amount of syllables they just the ch i think i mean they're not easy words I think we can all agree we get where it comes from okay so they had a board a cheese and meat board yeah and then it was literally just us and

this like two 75 year old couples were at the party no way and then there was a there was a ton of people

came like all everyone came late I've always wondered about those parties who lives in the building that they advertise in the building. They're always doing these parties, and it's so cute. It really is.

But I'm like, who the fuck would go to this? Me and Brenna to win the contest. We won. No one else was dressed up, so we took down first place. So that was pretty cool. Did you win anything? Was there a prize? Yeah, we won uh some

they let us put some meat in our cargo pants no they gave us a trophy we won a trophy no some people did show up in costume and uh later on but for a little while i want to know besides the 75 year old couples like who was who's going to that part what do they look like what did they look like because i get why you guys went like you just you needed an excuse to dress up for instagram but you also needed to put a party on it just so you just don't look like you're only doing it for instagram yeah i get that yeah but why these people actually went to like have i'm not judging it i wish more people would go because but isn't there a party like on the street down and where we did that too we actually went to that

and we went for about 10 minutes. I'm not too cool for it, but it's just a lot. And then there was a guy who tried to steal from a car. And he was passed out. And his pants were down around his ankles. And some guy started kicking him in the ass because he said he stole from his car. And Brenna's like, hey, don't do that. I'm like, what are we doing?

You're yelling at this guy. I'm badass. She's J- i know she's really j-load there and i'm part of me i respect the fuck out of it but i'm gonna get stabbed you know like it's gonna be it's gonna come again what do you mean oh yeah yeah the second time like i've been stabbed i don't want to be set yeah with i get scared in those situations because I've seen it. I don't know. What kind of marker did you use on your back? Just a washable Sharpie. But was it coming off on your clothes though?

It did all right. And you shaved your back. I guess it's in my t-shirt. She shaved my back. Yeah, Brenna shaved my... It took longer than I thought, which was kind of sad. To shave your your back was that a fun like um yeah we did in the shower and she's like i was like it was it was pretty yeah it was the whole ordeal was hilarious of her shaving my back and then literally drawing this phoenix and i thought she killed it actually she didn't like yeah it looks

good it looked just like his tattoo yeah it better. Have you ever been in a situation where like, I feel like. We've talked about this before where girls will start things that their boyfriends have to finish. Yeah. And I was, I don't know. I was just like,

come on, let's go. I look like Ben probably getting drunk and yelling at J-Lo. Like we were really nailing it. Or you know that meme of him where he's like outside the door smoking a cigarette looking really frustrated? That was Andrew.

Yes. I wish he would have done that, Ben Affleck. I thought that was, I was like, oh, that's a, and with it, you get a Starbucks cup. We've all seen that, like where he's holding,

but like a tattoo was hilarious. But that was, yeah, you probably looked like What did you do for Halloween, Nikki? Did you get dressed up at all? You said you were going to put a wig on. Yeah, but then I was like, what does that even go with?

So I just did shows. I did Friday, Saturday shows in Iowa. And then Sunday, I went to Chris's brother's show. I talked about it yesterday. And then yesterday was actually Halloween. And I went to Boston for a doctor's appointment that took me all day. I flew out at 5.30, landed at 9, slept in the airport until 11, went to my appointment at 12, went back to the airport,

and then flew to JFK and then flew to L.A. and landed at 8. So, yeah, it was just a lot of travel for a long – but I did get bumped up to business class on my JFK to LA flight, which is just all the difference. I got to be completely horizontal all the way down. Like there's a button that has like a straight line that makes sure it doesn't, you know,

there's a button that usually makes it like go back a little bit. And then there's a button that is a straight line. You're like, it's just, I'm turning this into a line and it's like damn straight and you go all the way back and it was so nice and i read i read a whole book yesterday or i guess 90 of a book i'm almost done and jeanette mccurdy's um i'm glad my mom is dead have you guys heard of that i don't know it's like been the number one bestseller for like months and months now. Too triggering.

Fiction or non-fiction? She was, ha ha, Noah. She's, Noah's too jealous. It's non-fiction. It's about the girl that was in the show, Sam and Cat on, and also iCarly on Disney Channel. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And Jeanette McCarty.

And yeah, she has anorexia. She has an overbearing mother who like made her choose an acting career. She didn't really want one. It's a lot about if you are someone who relates to people pleasing and like if you have an alcoholic parent or a dysfunctional parent,

you will totally relate and you'll see how that manifests in your life to just like go with the flow and like just give people what they want constantly because you're trying to always make mommy or daddy happy. If you have like a depressed mom or an anxious mom or an angry mom

or an angry dad, like she just did a really good job of, yeah, I've read two books now about girls' childhoods that are very similar, but also very different. So, Janette, I really recommend. I haven't finished. I'm 10% away from finishing it.

This is the opposite of what I usually do. And I couldn't put it down, you know, as one of those books. And then I also read Educated last week, and that is another book about growing up with insane parents, and it's so good. I think that's, like, a genre I like, is, like, people that trace their lives from childhood. I guess it's a memoir, but it's so good i think that's like a genre i like is like people that trace their lives from childhood i guess it's a memoir um but it was really good and um

yeah i've just been like but i have to say that like sometimes when you say that you're reading a lot you go you like it feels like you're bragging but i want to be clear like it doesn't feel like i'm doing something better than watching a tv show at all like it feels just as much indulgent and like i'm avoiding things that i should be doing like i think somehow where along the way reading got put into like you're an intellectual or like you're doing something good for yourself reading can be really like i would say even sometimes more um or like like sometimes i get done watching a tv show and i'm like i learned something oh i want to create something now i like inspiring like it's just reading is just as bad as tv and i think and tv can be just as good as

reading uh do you agree i think it depends what you're reading if you were like hey i was just reading james joyce yeah if you're reading. If you were like, hey, I was just reading... Yeah, I'm not reading James Joyce. Yeah, if you're reading the science of a tree frog or something, people would be like, okay, we get it. You're learning about evolution. But even that, I've read this about the science of things, and I still struggle with feeling like you're putting off your work. You would rather learn about psychopaths or the science of addiction or depression then you would be getting work actual work done so sometimes when i say i'm reading a book i like my friends go i should read a book

oh you're reading that's so good i'm like no it's not i am i am avoiding my work like i am avoiding working out i am avoiding going on a walk i'm avoiding avoiding socializing. I'm avoiding all the things that, you know, I'm depressed right now. Reading is like, I get to lay in bed and curl in a ball and look at my phone.

That's what reading is to me. Do you write better? When you read, I feel like I write better jokes when I read. Well, not better jokes. I just feel like I,

my, because I read this girl's book all in one day, I was, my brain is now narrating my life like that author. Like I can, you and I are both chameleons.

Like we absorb kind of how the way people talk, I think. It's exhausting. I have, I can talk like her. I wish I was a lizard that just like same day, same coat every day. Don't need to blend into a tree.

I like that because if I want to be funnier, I just watch something super funny and then all of a sudden i get funnier that's a good point like we have we like like we can like take it in very easily very quickly but it is hard to like get in that mode there are some times where i'm going to do someone's podcast i'm like get in a funny mode because i'm just not i'm in a you know on this podcast i don't feel that pressure because it's like my podcast and people don't expect it to be like uproariously funny but some of these podcasts i go on people are like stop talking about mental health just make jokes and i'm like

i'm not in the mood to make jokes so sometimes i listen to something really funny on the way there to like get in that rhythm because it's hard to just like break into that for me i feel like i have different modes um and we'll uh get into those modes later on do we have time for news um after this break yeah let's go to break and then come back with some news john stewart is back in the host chair at the daily show which means he's also back in our ears on the daily show ears edition podcast The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John

and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, let's get to the news. You heard it here first. You heard it here first.

Yeah, you heard it here first. Oh, it's Tuesday, folks. You know what that means? It is Tuesday. Apparently, you're having a good time out there it's Tuesday, folks. You know what that means? It is Tuesday. Apparently, you're having a good time out there. We're having a great time in here. Nikki reads books and having all the swells. To you, Noah.

Well, scientists are looking into damaging memories of being cheated on by using the same drug prescribed for high blood pressure, migraines, and anxiety disorders. Yeah, I sent Noah this because it was like eternal sunshine of the spotless mind kind of thing. Yeah, you can take drugs. It doesn't like go in and find that memory and go like delete. It just makes it so it's, know it's yeah but isn't that probably for any like memory whether it's like a car crash or a breakup so weird if they can make it

specifically for a like a it's like viagra it's just for your penis blood you know oh right wait is that by viagra is only for your penis blood i think i mean that's where it seems to all go yeah it doesn't give you like a stiff arm or something you know what i is that Viagra's only for your penis blood? I think. I mean, that's where it seems to all go. Yeah, it doesn't give you like a stiff arm or something. You know what I, that would be weird if he made you like, they gave you like zombie arms while you're fucking.

Dude. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, it's just weird that it gets like an exact memory or at least a memory

that's similar well people think that like Tylenol is like just for headaches no Tylenol will find whatever pain is in your body oh that's a good point so I guess this drug

is for things that it's probably at least a little bit more generic and I don't think they've made the drug yet I think it tests that it's like

well no did you read any more about it so the the drug had already existed it's a beta blocker called prop i'm not even gonna beta blockers yeah yeah beta blockers are so huge charcuterie beta blockers do you guys know about those they i took one one time when i was on dancing with the stars pete lee's girlfriend who was a nurse gave me one she was like they're really good for anxiety people take them all people take them all the time for nerves all the time in hollywood i didn't know anything about them it was terrible for me because i have a low heart rate already and it lowered it even more and i was like about to pass out like i i and i don't understand why aren't people addicted

to beta blockers if that's the thing people take all the time to calm their nerves why is xanax a problem why but not beta blockers can someone who knows explain this to me why beta blockers aren't a thing that you see people going away to rehab for if everyone i know takes them like everyone for nerves if they're doing it might be like what you were saying about um instagram and like all these self-help books and stuff popping up in the next 10 years maybe it'll be the same could be like the next thing all right another prediction um have you guys been cheated on before uh i don't know oh did you take the medicine? No. That is a good point.

Like, you just can't, you just don't know. I mean, you could have been. I asked Chris last night. I was like, have you ever been cheated on? He's like, I don't think so. And I'm like, interesting, because you never really know. You can only assume. Because the person could just not have told you. I feel like my college girlfriend did.

I feel like my college girlfriend was cheating on me. But I never found out for sure. But I definitely acted like she was. Right. I would guess that she was. I mean, she did get a poem from the starting quarterback on the college football team. It was like a rap. And I was like, that's something someone that fucked you would have done.

No, that's someone who hasn't fucked her yet would have done. True. I don't think you understand how men work. They don't really care after the fact. No, the poem was actually. When they're trying to woo you. Have you ever been in a break? You also said I fucked you good in the poem, so.

Oh, yeah. So, no, I mean, I think i think maybe you know the same thing like maybe but i don't think so i mean chris for sure would it's not even like there there and i know people are like you don't know there is just no way that man would ever i just know how he operates. It would never be something he would do even if it was like... There's just no way.

There's no way. He's just too kind. Is it worse if you're in a relationship with someone who cheats or if you're dating in the courting process and the guy starts cheating on you at that point? About dating, I would think. Well, like, yeah, right?

What's worse? When it's like solid. When you're dating. When it's solid. Yeah. When it's solid, it hurts more. No? In the beginning, you think?

What are you even talking about? Before you're official? Yeah, if it's like at the starting stages. Because then it's like, oh, he chose her over me, you know? Cause it's kind of like you're competing for the status of girlfriend. Right, right,

right, right. Um, I, I, yeah, I could see that like in the beginning where you're like, yeah,

I could see that. I have no feeling like we're working it out in a relationship. You could work it out. Cause it's probably due to some kind of, uh, deficiency you have in your relationship. But I would say that a lot of guys stray in the beginning stages because they're getting scared

that they're never going to fuck again because they're falling in love. So you might as well get it done before you get the label. Yes. And I think that it's also normal too. I think that way more people cheat, like whenever someone cheats or it comes out, like people cheat.

I've talked about this on the show. Like, why are we surprised that Adam Levine cheated on his wife? Give me a fucking break. Like, I mean, it's just, it happens so much more.

I'm always like, where are people finding the time to meet people and like develop relationships outside of their own relationships. Relationships are exhausting and take all of your time. I don't know. Judging from his DMs, it's not like it's that much. He's just like, whoa. Wow. Rad body.

Solid tits. That doesn't take that much time. That's a good point. I'm going to name my daughter after you. Sumner. It's all water under the bridge now. He's like on Kelly Clarkson now, just talking about how hard it is to be a dad.

How did he get over this? How did you get over it, Adam? Oh, you mean writing? You paid publicists thousands of dollars to cover the story up and to create other stories about, so we're distracted from it. You don't even know what other stories came up that week because they want it like that.

We're probably generated by the Adam Levine camp to distract. Like our media is not to be trusted. Everything is just so, and not that I, I, again, I don't want him to lose everything. I think cheating is so pedestrian at this point that it's almost like who

gives a fuck, but I also don't want to act like it's, I don't know. It's, um, but yeah, I've, I've one time,

a guy that I was dating made out with another girl, but he was so drunk. He thought it was me. And I definitely, it's, I know that sounds like Nikki, you're gullible. No,

you guys don't understand how drunk this guy used to get. He literally thought it was me. Like he used to like hallucinate when he would drink and the next day i was like i heard you made out with a girl at this bar and he's like i thought it was you and i was like i know exactly what it is yeah i thought it was you i was like i really i believed him because and i still believe him and i know you're like gullible no you don't know what a fucking alcoholic this guy was and and he had no reason to cheat on me it was like and also him being in a relationship with you for months and be like i thought you

were someone else yes totally that's how drunk he was he was such a mess but he um also when people are drunk you're like you gotta kind of excuse it i i'm sorry like don't excuse the the drunkenness that's a problem like you're dating someone who's escaping their feelings to the point where they're doing things that they don't even know what they're doing but when you are blackout drunk you are not to be uh accountable for your actions i do not think i honestly think it should be like an excuse in a court of law that someone's blackout drunk because i have said and done things that i cannot stand by and would never have done if i was sober um so when someone cheats on you you're real like no that's what they say does it bring out your real like intentions no what it does is like if you know you're a drunk

who does bad things like that you then then you are accountable you're like but if you if you don't if you get so drunk and it's like the first time you drank or something and you cheat on your boyfriend let it go boyfriend she didn't know that she's gonna do that of cheating like drunk hammered in vegas yes it makes uh but you know we talked about this before too if you get cheated on and you're like were you drunk and the guy's like no you're like can you just say you were so that it doesn't feel so bad on a tuesday i was reading a book and then i fucked her it's like what no dude just say you fucking had jaeger bombs i haven't drank in 10 years yeah yeah yeah in between chapter seven and eight i fucked her and i was like i i really like love her too but like it means nothing i think there are different levels of cheating a cheating of like fucking someone or like meeting

like fucking is a lot but like making out or like hooking up with someone you meet at a bar or like in vegas or like somewhere at a party where it's like you could just walk into another room and cheat if there's like plan cheating that also is another level of like what's going on in your relationship like people cheat all the time to just get out of relationships you know like that is another thing where it's like people are lonely in their relationships someone comes along do you know how many people you know in relationships who got together because that relationship started from them cheating? So many. And they're not going to tell you.

They always have a story of like, we used to work together and then we got together after I broke up with my boyfriend. No, they didn't. No, they didn't. And you're probably listening to this now. It doesn't overlap, but it does. My old, you know, Dr. dr abusive used to tell me like sometimes people need a lily pad sometimes they that's just the way it is like if you're not a bad person sometimes to get out of a relationship you need to know that there's someone else who will like you

and it happens so often speaking of dr abusive i got a text from my old therapist who I Out of nowhere? Out of nowhere. That's weird. On Thursday night out of nowhere it just said watch Working Moms. You're back. Shave. You're back.

Watch Working Moms. And she wrote working. W-O-R-K-I-N. But the show is called Working Moms. It's a show about mothers who work. I don't know. It's a funny show. And I was like, what does this mean?

I have not talked to her in seven years. Our last interaction was, I'm done. I can't do this. It wasn't a good splitting. She fucked over my insurance because she called them because she was apparently hurt by me canceling her. So she told the insurance that all these things that they, all of a sudden had a list of pre-existing conditions for me

that I never gave them. And they refused to cover my therapy after her because of what she called to tell them. She really fucked me over. And then I get a text from her this is watch and she's 84 5 6 7 8 by now by the way she's in her 80s and she just wrote watch working moms and i got this text at you know 12 o'clock at night on the east coast and she's on the west coast so no she doesn't drink and and everyone's like oh she it's about you having a baby and i'm like no i went to see her seven years ago i wasn't even talking about

kids back then i was talking she thinks she would always tell me i'm not funny and she would always tell me what funny things to watch so that i would be more funny because i was not funny in sessions and so i think she was really like this show's funny nikki should watch it made me her think of me it was so weird, though. I didn't write back. It gave me, I started having heart palpitations as soon as she texted me. It was so upsetting.

I feel like it's more like the working aspect, no? Like, here's people that work a ton, but also still have a relationship and kids, and yet they still are so productive. I would feel like that would be something that you guys talked about right never no i never talked about kids not kids not kids but just being just overworked and still having a life i guess huh no she used to think that i didn't like she was not impressed by anything i did ever i got a t i got my first tv show when

we were together and i was so proud to be like i have a a TV show and there are posters in the New York subway that she would ride with my face on them. And she never acknowledged it. She never would say, she's like, so I don't like, I don't like you anymore or less because of that. It doesn't matter to me.

And I'm like, and then she asked me to write a blurb for her husband's book. And I go, does it matter now? Like, why do you want me to write a blurb? If you don't think my fame or anything matters. Um,

also Taylor Swift just announced a tour. I'm freaking out. Oh, you just saw that. I mean, I just saw a text this morning from my friend. I thought I was dreaming. It was in my dream that she was going on tour.

Yeah. It's it's happening as early as March. I'm so excited. I'm taking some months off next year and I see that those are times where she's going to be places she's not coming to St. Louis though when do these go on tour or go on sale do we know? I don't know that oh okay I think

yeah but I did see that yeah she was going to Chicago I guess that's the closest place if you were in St. Louis oh that's not that bad I mean I feel like they're going to sell out within seconds I mean I don't know how do you buy tickets like that if you were in Kansas City. Oh, that's not that bad. Kansas City's closer, I think. I mean, I feel like they're going to sell out within seconds. I mean, I don't know.

How do you buy tickets like that? You talk to your agent or manager. Oh, yeah. Or you go on StubHub and pay tens of thousands. I mean, it's going to be so expensive. But Taylor Swift also is a woman of the people so i see her making it so that we we can all go i see some way it's called the eras tour um phoebe bridgers is opening for her who is one of my favorites heim girl in red another favorite moona i don't know them gail

gracie abrams and owen and paramore and babaie that's a lot of openers yeah uh no it's like already switching off yes they're switching off okay gotcha it was moona i sent you um a couple of songs from them okay yeah that's rearing in a bell yeah oh my god i'm so excited i don't think i could go to any of the phoe Bridgers opening ones, though. Fuck. Girl in Red is amazing, though. And those are the ones that I can go to. Oh, my God. It's kind of around my birthday.

I think I'm going to. I'm probably going to go to. I'm hoping to go to 10 of them. Final thought. I really want to go to as many as I can forever and ever. Amen. All right. Let's go to Reddit dump.

This is your Reddit dump. This is your Reddit dump. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. All righty. Andrew. This is from Ask Women. And it says, what is a gross yet harmless habit you have?

And I just want to share some of these because they made me feel less gross and also not like way more gross than these people think they are. A girl said, picking my nose. I can't stand it when things get crusty in there. How else are you going to get things out? I know with a tissue, but sometimes you got to grab it and you need to have like a grip on it.

You know? Yeah, I pick my nose too much. Yep. Apparently it causes Alzheimer's. I saw something. Picking your nose? Yeah. I don't know.

Maybe you're tickling your brain or something. Don't just say that. I swear it was an article. I didn't read it. I just saw the headline. When my lips are dry, I pick off the dry skin. I usually do this if I'm anxious, which is like a lot. I've done that before.

You just bite little pieces of skin off. I mean, I do that with my nails, like my cuticles. I love biting cuticles. It's the best. Sometimes I grab my boobs or my ass for no actual reason. That's not a gross habit. I play with my own tits sometimes when I jerk off. Is that weird?

That really grosses me out. That's gross. The imagery that I just got the jerking out aspect and then like you're it's like you're you're you don't even like your tits i know it's like a hate thing i think i just imagine you with your shirt on also going with your hand under oh god um oh yeah yeah Like going up the shirt. That's funny. Yeah, like you keep your T-shirt on. I left the bra on. You like go, yeah, you feel yourself up.

I went over the bra, yeah. These days, I stay home most of the time. So lately, I've gone three to four days without showering. I will change my underwear and clean my area. Oh, that's not gross. How do you clean it? It's not gross. I mean, like three or four days

it's pretty long time but like i i just like don't wash my hair for maybe that long sometimes i think i'm going on day three to day three or four right now with my hair but i get in there and i scrub everything else yeah you got to change your underwear every day i mean that is is foul to wear the same pair if you can wear the same pair of underwear two days in a row i'm telling you if i take off my underwear for anything whether it's sex whether it's like to change into a different outfit and then i change back if i've worn those underwear for more than three minutes i'm not putting them back on i do not re-put on underwear is so gross to me but me, but that's just my weird thing. Women's underwear is just so in there.

If you wore boxers, it might be a different story. What do you mean? I think you're used to Brenna wearing thongs. What do you wear? Whitey tighties? No, I just wear bikini. But that's not a thong.

That's still in there. I'm just saying compared to boxers. Oh yeah, it's kind of like more loose. Yeah, but that's not a thong. That's still in there. That's still. I'm just saying compared to boxers. Compared to boxers. Oh, yeah. It's kind of like more loose. Yeah. A loose fit. Like your underwear, if it didn't have anything on it, it'd be weird.

It would be. Yeah. If there was no smell at all. And that's not that it smells bad. It just, yeah. That is weird. You're right. Before showering, I scratch my scalp to pick off the dandruff.

Sometimes they come off in big pieces and I like to look at them. I would probably like to eat them if I did have dandruff, but I don't because we learned that from a 23andMe test. Do you ever pick off your dandruff and eat it or look at it? I don't eat it. I eat my skin off my fingers, but I do have dandruff

and I like to sometimes rub my head until it goes all over my black shirt and I like seeing the fall. And then you go jingle bells, jingle bells. Jingle all the way. I'm disgusting. I should wash my hair. Did you see Heidi Klum's outfit?

No, a lot of skin. No, this Halloween, she dressed as like a disgusting worm and it looks like a colon. It's so funny though. Can I show you this picture of her on a red carpet? It's so funny. I posted it I show you this picture of her on a red carpet? It's so funny. I posted it on my Instagram story, you guys.

But look at Heidi Klum on the red carpet. She's being interviewed, and she has to lay down on the carpet because I guess she can't stand in this. And it is so disturbing looking. Oh, my God. Oh, my. Is that her head in there? Yes my god that's how i feel on the inside that does look like the inside of a colon holy shit i love when a really hot girl

it's funny for halloween she's like i want to be ugly yeah i want to take a departure i want to really scare everyone yeah by being normal looking i mean yeah but she really goes out like she really loves to look just disgusting um someone said sometimes if i forget to brush my teeth i'll scrape at them with my fingernail and wipe the plaque on stuff do you do that i used to do that with like my back teeth i'd have some build up and i get on my fingernail and i'm not brushing them noah i mean we know andrew didn't brush his teeth but noah did you not brush your teeth a decade sometimes like the brush wouldn't get it but now i have a pick now i right i love taking uh sometimes like your plaque builds up inside, like down in the bottom teeth on the inside.

Sometimes it will, and I love to take a tweezers and I pull open the tweezer so that I can get a good angle and give it more. And then I get in there and I scrape it off. The metal on your teeth though? Yeah, that's what they use at the dentist.

I guess so. Yeah, that's a good point. And oh man, that is so satisfying. I love it. You ever grind your teeth and get a taste in your mouth somehow? I don't know what that's from.

How often are you brushing your teeth now? I'm good now. What does that mean? One or two a day. Definitely before I go to sleep. But sometimes not in the morning? Actually, no, I've been doing it two a day. Two a day.

I've been pretty consistent yeah i mean i'm pretty like normal now which is weird um with dishes and all that shit but yeah that's great uh okay this is from damn that's interesting i'm glad that you were finally having habits that four-year-olds have uh yeah look i caught up look we all grow up never no it's hard when you don't learn those things and i am proud of you damn that's interesting is the subreddit and this is good just so you know for people who eat pizza like who get pizza regularly um you get more pizza in an 18 inch than you do in two 12 inch pizzas wouldn't Wouldn't you think two 12-inch pizzas would give you more pizza? 100%, yeah.

But they've done, there's the math you can do and you get 254 square inches in a 18-inch pizza and you get 226. So 254 versus 226. So always get the bigger pizza as opposed to two smaller ones. Most of the time,

that's going to be give you more that's wild i mean circumference i mean you would think you know two six inch penises would be smaller than a 13 inch penis you would think yes i mean no wait no two six inch penises would be bigger than a 10 inch penis which it is uh but you're talking about like radiant like the diameter yeah i know it's just that's yeah i don't know i i lost you penis pizza okay this is from um ask women again and it says which couple would be would be the best representation of your desired relationship? Like, if you had to choose a couple, real or fictional, as an ideal for your own desired relationship, who would you pick and why? I bet a lot of people would pick Brenna and Andrew because of just what they think.

Like, you know, we all pick couples based on what they show us on Instagram. Don't you think? Yeah, I think we have a lot of things in common a lot of sensibilities similar we look alike we look like we could be cousins people like that for some reason oh you look alike you guys should fucking fuck it's like what that's wait people say that to you maybe me that you look like i mean that we have similar features i think that's been told me told to me before interesting okay um yeah but do you think you could like date a blonde you've never dated a blonde blue-eyed man right yeah but i don't feel like that's my main look like i chris and i do i always tell chris

we look like because you are attracted to people that you look like because i don't know why similar smiles you and chris yeah we have big, big white smiles. And we have kind of like rounder eyes. And yeah, we have good jaws, I think. Yeah, solid jaws. Decent hairlines. I mean, mine's a little, I have a bigger forehead than he has.

Okay, so people had listed Morticia and Gomez Adams. My gothic and morbid taste aside, they're so supportive and passionate for each other. I thought that was sweet. Someone said, my wife and I are R2D2 and C3PO, and it works for us. I want to do stupid shit.

She tells me all the things that will go wrong if I do stupid shit. I drive off whistling, and she follows off, and she follows going, oh dear, and it all works out in the end. Someone said Leslielie nope and ben wyatt from um parks and rec um bob and linda belcher from bobsburgers what no who is rob

rob zombie and sherry moon zombie oh they are so because they're so like supportive of each other and they kind of have like a similar style and he puts her in like his movies so you could see how much he loves her and i just remember one time i was on the monsters no not yet but i want to i hear it's fucking terrible chris on his radio show was doing a thing called the monsters challenge to see how long you could get through it before you gave up on it you have to do the monsters challenge i lasted 16 minutes okay but yes, you were on a flight. So one time I was on a flight and they were in first class or whatever

and he was putting her bag away for her. He just like, I could just tell he loves her so much. So they're my favorite celebrity couple. Ed Sheeran and his wife, Cherry, I think her name is. Yes. There's something we put on when celebrities are like, when did you meet her? Did she know you before you became famous? And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. And then there's a couple. The person everyone thinks, like I did the same thing. I'm like with someone who kind of felt like I knew me before stuff because anyone you meet afterwards

kind of puts you on a pedestal that you've never really put yourself on. And it feels unnatural and it feels like you can't like live up to that. Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively. Oh, sorry. Yes. I like when Howard was like to Charlie Puth

when he goes, so did she treat like shit like what she but then you won her over when you became famous yeah yeah i would say howard and beth i would take their relationship they love each other so much it's so respectful and sweet and they just like don't need anyone else but them it's probably codependent but i like it um i would take um oh the couple that noah i sent you the girl that i i've sent one other bestie asked me for the girl that is so triggering on instagram i had to like i couldn't do it i know i'm not gonna send it i i i got really weak and i sent it to one bestie i'm sorry don't don't ask don't ask noah either she's not gonna give it to you um but I sent it to one bestie. I'm sorry. Don't, don't ask. Don't ask Noah either. She's not going to give it to you.

Um, but I sent it to you. Noah, did you give that a gander and look at their relationship? I did. I thought it was a little performative to be honest. Interesting. I think that they tricked me then because I thought it was like actually fun.

Like there was this one video where they set up the camera and they, you could tell that they were just shooting it for themselves and just having a romantic moment. And I watched that with so much longing and they're so sweet. I will say yesterday, Matt posted a thing about Anya on his Instagram that made me...

I actually think Matt and Anya's relationship. I really love. Cause I'm around that weekend on tour and he is just loves her so much is so just enamored with her and like says yes, dear and like honey and calls her babe. And like, I just love that stuff. And he wrote on Instagram, he put a picture up of her on Instagram and he wrote,

it's cool to be blown away by your partner girlfriend lover co-pet parent best friend so sweet that is nice I showed Chris and I was like isn't this sweet do you want to post something like that someday I didn't say that but I was like

would you make sure you tag me just know that I think this is sweet yeah but we watched love is blind yesterday and we're I was like, would you? Just make sure you tag me in the pod. Just know that I think this is sweet. Yeah, yeah. But we watched Love is Blind yesterday. Oh, my God. I watched it. Watching that. Have you watched?

What episode are you up to? Third. Oh, okay. Not all of it. Okay. Yeah. We'll talk about it tomorrow, maybe. Yeah, it's funny watching it with your partner.

Start watching Love is Blind, everyone. Yeah, with your partner. You learn so much. I'll watch it tonight. You learn so much. Watch it with Avi. Watch a little bit. The new season, okay? It is funny watching it.

We'll talk about it tomorrow. We can talk about it tomorrow. Yeah, yeah. Can't wait. Okay. Love is blind. Thank you guys so much for listening to the podcast. Don't be cut there. And Jackpot! Jared! Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast.

Join late night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.