The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #291 Be A Colleen

Episode Date: November 3, 2022

Nikki goes over why she is in Los Angeles for the time being. She gives her Love is Blind highlights and gets Andrew's takes. Anya recommended a show called Alone which Nikki is hooked on and wants to add a twist of the plot to. Nikki and Andrew agree that they want to look hot for their partner and be able to talk about their insecurities. You Heard It Here First, a large penis gets in the way of a job, the actress that always gets a pass with guys and how to talk to your teens about sex. They go over new joke premises they are working on and in the Final Thought Nikki talks about her latest epiphany.  ---------- Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Get Pod Merch: Podshop.NikkiGlaser.com Nikki's Tour Dates: www.nikkiglaser.com/tour Andrew's Tour Dates: www.andrewcollincomedy.com   More Nikki: IG More Andrew: IG  More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Hello, here I am. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. Welcome to the show. I'm Nikki Glaser. I'm in Los Angeles, California. Andrew's in St. Louis. Noah is in Arizona. A lot of people have been asking me why I'm in LA. If I moved here, I guess I wasn't clear or maybe you just missed an episode where I was clear. I don't, I can't keep track of where I've, you said it fast. I said it fast. Well, I say everything

fast. So that's a good point. Andrew, are you having trouble breathing today? What's happening over there? It sounds like I'm doing a podcast with a walrus. Oh, really? Because I ate a lot of turkey, and you know it makes me tired. Turkey turns me into a walrus. No, again, do not turn up the volume to whatever I was hearing.

Did you hear it? I don't keep my headphones that loud because I listen to audio all day. But on the playback, I always do hear it. And I just want to isolate a track of Andrew's. It sounded like someone was sleeping during what I was saying. That's why I was triggered by it. I was like, I get it. It sounded like someone was mocking me. You know when people, you start talking about something someone doesn't care about and you go.

Yeah, that's. Wow, so you moved to LA, did you? Yeah. Okay, so I said it really fast, I guess, but Chris has a job out here working on. Chris, can I announce? Oh yeah. Oh yeah, he says.

Everybody watch it. Okay, Beauty and the Beast live, which it's not exactly live this year on ABC. On ABC. Disney Plus right after. And Disney Plus right after. He has all the details. It is. Have the cast been announced, babe?

Totes. Totes? All of them? I think you can do all of them. Okay. Toady Fields? Is that a person? He said totes. I don't think you could do okay toady toady fields is that a person he said totes i don't think that's a person okay so um yes it has been announced beauty and the beast is what he's working on and patton oswalt the other day when we were hanging out with patton um i we were

all i was introducing him to all my friends and of course my boyfriend and i was like oh yeah chris is working on beauty and the beast live and he's like he thought chris was like playing you know the the grandfather clock or something yeah he thought he thought he was in the cast it was cute um but no he is in the um production team which a lot of people don't know what producers do um i know i did it back in the day like before i did tv i was like what, I mean, Noah's a producer on a radio show. It just means the person, it's, I mean, not really. It's just people that are, do every, like that figure out what the show is going to look like. What it's like, but there's different kinds of producers.

There's like producers that work directly with the talent and they are just there to, there are producers that come up with what the creative is going to be there are writers and then the writers work with producers and sometimes the producers pitch creative ideas the writers execute those sometimes the writers pitch and then the producers execute it but the producers are the ones that like wrangle everything together get like figure out who's going to direct it who's and then they they just they produce it um but it's it's a it's a it's a thing that means a lot of things you know like it can it can be a lot of different um things but he's producing um parts of the show and um yeah it's going to be on i didn't i didn't see his he did little mermaid live which was on

abc right before the pandemic and i didn't watch because we were not together but um i it was great it was a great experience for him he's back on beauty and the beast live it's not it's going i'm going to go to one of the tapings but it's taped and then it airs later but shania twain is on it her her is playing bell um david allen greer josh gro, and then today he gets Chris's meeting with Martin Short. I don't know who's the beast. I don't know. But he's in the bathroom.

So yeah, The Rock does everything. So anyway, that's why I'm out here. Martin Short? That's unreal. So he's in it? I know.

Yeah. So he's going to a rehearsal today and he's going to meet all these people today to work with them on the thing that he is working on so that's why i'm out here and while i'm here i'm just doing sets and people's podcasts and hanging out and uh chris and i are cohabitating and trying that on even though we did we've done it before before we broke up the eighth time or something and then um but now we're back to doing it and it's going great last night we watched love is blind um we are on the i think oh we finished it we finished this whole batch that's up now it's such a good show andrew you did you watch any more episodes last night i'm

three in i watched white lotus last night actually i don't know if you've seen that the new season came out it's fucking great i have not seen it but i i love that show it's so dark it's great mike white who created that show and probably an ep a producer on it and wrote it he did the good girl he did um enlightened he did school of rock i mean this guy is an amazing prolific writer i love him so much and um i've always been a fan yeah so it's is it better this season or like what's the vibe and are all the episodes out or is it just like a couple just one they're only putting out one a week no i know it's so annoying i hate having the fucking way why is that going back to the way things are done i no i know it's so annoying i hate having to fucking wait why is that going

back to the way things are done i don't know there's something with the numbers i'm sure you know yeah it's a numbers game it's definitely a numbers game uh i wish they'd do three at three at a time's perfect i feel like just give us it's it's still a lot three hours to spend watching tv is a gross amount chris and i did it last night but it is too much it's too much to spend watching TV is a gross amount. Chris and I did it last night, but it is too much. It's too much to spend on anything, I think, three hours, whether you're work, like just consecutive.

But Love is Blind is fun because you can just like not, you can half watch it. White Lotus, you got to be paying attention. It's a scripted show. Reality shows are great in that way that you can just kind of sit them out. And then you can tell

when something big is happening because the music will shift. Yes? No, the first episode of like like i project so much of like love is blind what it does to you is to go oh this person's not gonna like this person because they're this and it's like all your own shit that you're dealing with like oh they're not gonna like him because he's too short oh she's too you know out of shape or she's or he's too annoying or whatever i guess you get annoyed by the by what they say but like yeah i don't know it's funny what you think what someone's gonna like and and why and really just comes back to your own insecurities and all your own shit

before they actually meet up if anyone's watching it i have absolute faves i love um brennan i guess the guy that ended up with the bigger girl the bigger girl there's the first time they've had like a girl that is definitely a plus size girl on the show and like she is in the most successful relationship on it she uh the guy like didn't have any hesitation like it was just so nice and she did not tell him there was no indication that like she was going to be bigger like it was just awesome to see like that did not fucking matter to this guy and he's like one of the most attractive guys on the thing and like i don't know i just i didn't i didn't think it would be a big thing because he's such a nice guy that i was just like oh he doesn't care he just loves this girl they fall in love so hard through these

walls and it's like they spend the rest of the time once they see each other going we got to get back to the pods i'm like build a wall in your house like yeah like to recreate that romance acidic jews fucking threw a sheet yeah they were ahead of the game they've been doing it for yeah they really knew but there is something about have you ever ever had a relationship happen over the phone and it's so intense and then you meet in person and you're like, yeah, this doesn't translate. I don't think you- I've never done that, but my college girlfriend, I would talk on the phone for hours, fall

asleep while talking. You met through a glory hole? Yeah, we met through a glory hole. I tried to put my dick through it, but the wall was a little too thick. It was like one extra coat of hard drywall yeah yeah it wasn't even the drywall it wasn't even where you put the screw in paint sherwin-williams sherwin-williams fucked you but we got through that i didn't um yeah uh but it is remarkable because i've watched now seven

episodes of this show and like once they get out of the pods where they meet where there's a wall between them their relationships start falling apart and it's funny because they see the other people that they connected with in the pods so they're in the pods and they're all meeting each other and they all become friends all the guys and the girls like live together at the time so they're all friends and they hang out after the show after they all get engaged they all get engaged while there's a wall between them by the way they meet each other and they're all like head over heels for each other when they meet each other it doesn't matter like there's maybe a little hesitancy but it's because they're just nervous like generally they're like so happy with their decision and then they meet the other

people for the first time they see the people they either rejected or that rejected them and then they go oh wait like she looks really good he looks really good and they all do this thing where they go up to each other they go like in the real world you and i would be together like i would have walked up to you at a bar you realize that so much of the show is so much of everything is based on looks like but these people have truly had to make matches based not on looks at all and you wonder like what what if your own relationship would be able to exist if you if you weren't if you weren't as attracted to the because they're some of them are like she's not the person i would have gone for in the real world but we have a soul connection that is so strong that and then they fight for it and they still want it and

they're still in love it doesn't like ruin it it decays it a little bit and it definitely creates drama because there's this one girl zenub who you can tell is very insecure about her face and her body like she's always covering her face she doesn't have makeup on and she and then there's this other girl colleen which everyone calls colleen but it's very much colleen i don't understand what they're all from dallas so i guess it said colleen there so i am confused confused by that and but she it's funny because she is like i on camera on on tv she's attractive there's no doubt about it but they keep calling her like a bombshell a goddess like she's she is a stunner like they're talking about her like she's a supermodel she is not even colleen would admit she's not a supermodel she's not like super thin and tall and like has like a striking face like they are talking about

her like but they don't when you're in a bubble they don't know like you change your levels colleen is the most attractive of the bubble so for them that's giselle all of a sudden and they all talk about her and then zen is like i'll never be a clean and it's like you are so close to being a like and even her husband is like or her boyfriend husband to be fiance cole cole he's like and they all love jesus so much which is a little bit of obnoxious thing but it's also also like... Yeah, it's kind of K. So K, I love Cole so much, by the way. Cole and Matt, I love. I love Colleen,

and I love Raven. I used to not like Raven because she was doing push-ups during... Cole annoyed me. Cole, I felt like... You will be won over by Cole. He is the best. I love Cole. All right, I'll give him a chance. Get all the way to the seventh episode. I know. I agree with you.

I was the same way. And Bartice annoyed me. Bartice is cool too, but he's 25. You've got to remember. Do you ever do that with your girlfriend? You remember they're much younger and they haven't been through as much? Like a year ago? Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, sometimes I do that with even my friends who are older or younger. I go, I have to be a little bit more gentle. They're not going to get my references like it's or they're they're just yeah or I have to tell Anya like I'm younger than you like or you know I'm kind of stupid sometimes what you know but anyway so Bartice is yeah 25 he's with the 30 year old which they act as like the biggest age difference ever because she of course is a woman so five years is like she's a pedophile or something and so um but then uh what was i gonna say oh cole what they just keep so it's just so

much of this is driven by women's insecurities it's so sad so many of the fights are about these cole being like hey sorry like i i i told colleen that on the outside we would probably be a match like i would go for her i'm sorry she's like a 10 out of 10 and you're a 9 out of 10 and zinnib is like i can't handle that like i cannot handle that i'm less attractive to you and he's like but i don't want to be with her i i broke i broke up with her in the pods because we have no soul connection women don't give a fuck about soul connection. We give a fuck about attractiveness. This is why I don't have a problem with that.

If Chris was to say another woman was more, like, he would get more. Like, because I know that boners become more about affection, like, emotion and stuff like that. It would be insane to think that he doesn't think someone's more attractive than you. Yes. I mean, that would be wild for my girlfriend to look at brad pitt next to me and go you know what you're better looking you're just like more attractive to me like to my eye she can't handle it this girl cannot handle it yeah and she goes i'll never be colleen i'll never be that hot and it's like actually you actually could be it's like well that's the thing with the show which is not even

i don't agree that that's hotter but that's what she's looking at it's like a 10 pound difference which is not even i don't agree that that's hotter but that's what she's looking at is like she's thinner than me i'm like it's not like that big of a i don't know i feel like the show everyone is like your standard like seven like everyone except cole is actually like he does look like a jonas brother which he loves very cute yeah he's the best looking of the bunch it is it would be really weird if they just added like a supermodel like like a insane like just throw that in there just to see like because i feel like find any supermodels that want to do this fucking show that's all they can find that who wants to meet through a wall i think i mean otherwise they

would have them yeah supermodels are like they i don't have a person. Supermodels know they don't have a personality to support them through a wall. They can't have a wall. They can't. This is the Heidi Klum thing. Like, she needs to have a vacation from being the hottest woman in the world. She has to dress like a grub worm on a red carpet because that's a fun vacation for her. She's so weird. I mean, that costume is going down it's like one of the funniest things

that's ever existed wait did you hear the recording of her on the red carpet i gotta play it it is so funny it's so funny of her going it's um you know the early uh bird catch the worm and she's on the wait let me just roll it rolling around you know what say, the early bird catches the worm. You know what they say, the early bird catches the worm. You know what they say, the early bird catches the worm. The early bird catches the, I love that like,

that little break she put in. She's like, this is who I am on the inside of my asshole. Oh my God. This is who I am. I bet her asshole doesn't even look that way. I bet it's like contoured and hot.

Like I bet it's like thin. She is who I am. I bet her asshole doesn't even look that way. I bet it's like contoured and hot. Like I bet it's like thin. She's like, yeah. She has buttocks. What does that remind me of? Does it remind you of like space balls? Like there's some like that little face like in a big round thing. Like it really creeps me out.

I hate it so much. A little bit of the Quizno hand a little bit. Like that kind of feel. The Quizno what? The hand, the creepy little hand. the quiz no hand a little bit like that kind of feel like when she was what the hand the creepy little hand oh it was a hand i think it was like a i think those were just like little rats oh they were okay so those guys i love that sobs yeah that's almost like the way she sounds like yeah that's what she sounds like the little boy but yeah i know what you're talking pizza the hut you're maybe thinking of yes i never watched it because it creeped me out

so much i don't like i don't like a little face with a bunch of meat around it like a big like a moon face like even like i don't like that and with those like weird creepy like yellow eyes with no eyebrows i i can't do it um and then we watched another show last night that i really recommend called alone i don't know that one is it on netflix um it is on andia got me into it it's on the history channel it's been on for eight seasons but it's on hulu and it's about it's a survivalist show it's like naked and afraid except they're not naked these are they're actually equipped to survive in the wilderness with you know they have minimal supplies but they have like fishing line and they can bring four things and then they get all these

other things like bear spray and stuff because these the season i'm watching is the latest one and they're in the like alaskan wilderness where there's like grizzly bears and it's fucking gnarly 10 people start out and they're all going after like a, I think a half a million dollars, 10 people start out and they're all in different places. They're not like with each other. They're truly alone. They don't have any cameramen.

They all have like four cameras that they're given and they're probably trained to use. And then they go out and then it's, um, and then they, they push a button when they're ready to tap out. And the first person tapped out after five days. Would you ever do a show like that?

Never! I kept picturing myself on that show. I was like, I would give up on the boat. I would tap out on the boat ride over. No! I mean, celebrities like, get me out of here. Two of the things would be plane tickets. No, I wouldn't, because I don't like that stuff. I don't like the't because i don't like i don't like that stuff

i don't like the wilderness i don't like um i don't like being hungry it would fuck with my life i know it would be so i don't like darkness it's hard though to watch because these people are so hungry they're so alone and i'm only on the second episode when they're like 10 days in or five days in like they do the first five on the first episode the other five and then there's one person left, and there's no time limit. It goes for as long as until someone is the last person. And in the past, it's gone 110 days.

Anya was telling me about other things. They have to hunt. All these people grew up living off the land, and they all have survival skills. They all come from different backgrounds. There is a lot of hunting. There's a lot of herding animals in this, which it's hard to watch, but it is a fucking good show and chris even said after we watched two episodes he was

like that was a good this is good pick like we're excited about this show and there's so many seasons to watch so um noah would you ever do a show like that you probably would um i think i probably would if avi could be my partner because he's no you don't get a partner yeah see that's the thing I would do it if I was with a stronger man no but that's a big thing some of these people

are so good at surviving but they but they don't know about loneliness they've always been survival-ing like with camping with other people

you don't know what it's like to actually be alone oh I have the vice versa and a lot of these people have never oh I'm good with loneliness but I don't know what it's like to actually be alone. Oh, I have the vice versa. And a lot of these people have never, oh, I'm good with loneliness, but I don't know how to survive. Yeah, same.

I can handle being alone in a living room, but I can't. With your phone and with a thing, like you don't understand what it's like. These people are like, you underestimate what it's like to be alone. And also they don't know what it's like to starve. Like they don't know what it's,

these people are survivalists, but they've never starved. Like they've never been starving and they have to decide whether they're going to make a shelter or hunt the first couple days like what are they going to waste their calorie reserve on and they they get this shelter made and then they have no food and they have no energy to go hunt it's crazy but i was like i've starved before i know what that's like like i can say that i've done more on this show than most people watching at home.

Like most people are like, yeah, I've hunted before. Not like these people. I've actually starved like these people. And I had to go to fucking school. I had to go do standup. I had to go pretend like everything was okay.

I had to go on dates. I had to go be friends with people. I did. So I feel like I, I was like, Oh, I've done part of the show. Are you pitching a new show called Anorexia?

And it's just, it's alsoxia? And it's just... It's also called Alone. And it's just... You think that's bad? You think hunting salmon's hard? Imagine fucking doing an open mic. Yeah, how about not eating salmon? Yeah.

How about, yeah, making out with a guy when all you can think about is food and you can barely stand up because you're about to faint? Chewing on his tongue? Yeah. No, you don't want to eat anything. No, if anything, I would make out with guys and be like, I hope I don't get calories from the food stuck in their teeth.

That's how insane the anorexic brain is. We've got to go to break. We'll come back with more fun facts after this. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture.

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or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, we're back. Welcome back to the show. Andrew, what are you singing? I get so weak in the knees. I thought I heard Chris say something like that. Yeah, Chris overheard our conversation. He said, when I said that I would be almost fainting making out with the guy, he said

that the guy probably thought I was weak in the knees. Because I was so in love. I'm so weak in the knees. I can hardly breathe. I don't know that song. I'm was weak in the knees. Because I was like so in love. I'm so weak in the knees. I can hardly breathe. I don't know that song. I lose all control inside, inside of me. It's like Maggie's R&B. I feel like that would be.

No. Oh. Maybe Aaliyah. I didn't really get it. Really? Aaliyah? I don't know. I mean, I'm guessing.

It's someone like that. Someone that died in a car crash. Oh, it's SWV. She died in a car crash. Oh, it's SWV. She died in a plane crash. Yeah. Left eye died in a car crash. That's right. And right eye is fine.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. So, watched alone. Also went, what did I do yesterday? I got my hair done, which cost $400. No, $500 with After Tip. Oh, man.

Didn't get a haircut. Everyone just got my hair highlighted. Did you walk out with what hair? I did not because my Uber was running late. It was 16 minutes away. So I go, ah, just blow it out. But I tried to. I tried.

Because I was good. I said like i was on vocal rest yesterday after the pod and i was like typed to her like i want to leave with wet hair i'm going to the gym after this because chris and i were going to go to the gym and she was like oh my god like you work so hard you got into town just last night you flew all day you went to this you did this and now you're going to the gym and i'm like i don't really want to go to the gym but i have a soft body my body's getting soft lately and also like um i like like chris and i like to have like little time together like quality time that's i think i think that's your love language i think that's his love language and so i said you know i want to spend more quality time with chris and my body's getting soft i said my body's getting soft i want to spend more quality time with chris that's his love language. And so I said, you know, I want to spend more quality time with Chris and my body's getting soft.

I said, my body's getting soft. I want to spend more quality time with Chris. That's his love language. She goes, having a soft body. And I was like, yeah, that too. But we didn't go to the gym. I saw a video yesterday. They're like, I don't know why guys ask their partners to go to the gym with them.

If I wanted to sweat and be insecure, I just fuck you yes that's funny yeah we don't even like if we go to the gym i'm on the treadmill the gym that he goes to actually is pretty perfectly laid out there's like a row of treadmills at the top like overlooking like almost like a romeo romeo like a balcony and then below is all the men working out and like some women, but like mostly men just lifting. And I guarantee you, because mostly women are on treadmills. Like that's kind of like a more woman thing.

And all these women are lined up, and the men can feel us watching. And what is more motivating at a gym than knowing that the opposite sex that you know is is watching you yeah it's the best you so much yes so did it push you to run faster to see chris doing like lat pull downs yeah well it did because i was like if he looks up because he kept looking up there and we would like smile and make eye contact and i was like when he looks up here i want to be like working hard so it did motivate me like i wanted to look like pretty cool you know like it does motivate even though like it doesn't i don't care about looking cool

around chris but like it's still i still wanted to look like sexy and cool and looking sexy makes you stand a certain way makes you like have a certain like it get it like if you think someone's looking at you you're gonna stand differently you're gonna have better posture and it's like it's all those things so that was um that's why i was like oh that that girl was so devastated on love is blind i think because yeah i guess i know that most girls would feel the same way she does but this guy cannot get out of this like she's never gonna forgive him for for saying that this girl would be more his type on the outside world like he he is in the doghouse for the rest of his life and i think he should break up with her because if she can't get over this he has apologized he said i could have lied to you

do you want me and she's like oh that would have been so hard to do like she wanted him to lie to her and it's like do we want that like i don't want that um i don't i guess i don't we chris and i watched and we were like yeah his his conversation with colleen the girl he didn't pick but who he'd be more attracted to was a little inappropriate he was definitely feeling his zenub is a little bit more controlling and passive-aggressive and they were not doing well when he talked to colleen in the pool and so he was definitely flirting with colleen colleen shut it down so hard but in a polite way being like oh yeah you're attractive too and then her boyfriend she told

her boyfriend about the conversation because she wanted to be transparent and he fucking snapped and like would not hear her out about it and it's like you just watch these relationships deteriorate and it's all because these people don't have self-esteem and they they own they look to it from their partner they have no other way to gauge, they, they look to it from their partner. They have no other way to gauge that they're worthy of love than if their partner is attracted to or likes them. And Nancy is someone who has enough self-esteem that Barty says he's into Raven more so.

And she's like, okay, well, what are you going to do about that? Like, she is not going anywhere. She's just like, okay,

well, this is who I am. And if you don't like it, fine. I love you. But like like if you don't like me this way she's a little bummed out like who wouldn't be but she and nancy's a bigger girl she's not zaynab is closer to looking like colleen than nancy is to looking like raven so if you want to see a healthy person with good self-esteem look at nancy on this show and if you want to see someone who could have such a full great life who is just paralyzed by it look at zenub and it sucks because i relate more to zenub than i do to nancy and i think if i were nancy i would feel so much worse because she is so

much further from being what the guy wants then zenub's's actually in, and it was funny. Cause he goes, he said last night, Cole was like, I was in the pods. And usually I go for girls named Lily or Colleen. And your name was Zenub. I didn't think you were going to look like them. I knew that it was going to be different.

I signed up for that because I love you for you. Like I never expected you to look like them. I didn't want that. It's not like you disappointed me. Like, and that I thought was a good point too um but and sometimes i feel like devastating i guess i feel like um you know if you're so hard on yourself and you have insecurities like the person doesn't even see them until you bring it up a lot of times if someone's insecure it's like i didn't even realize yeah that was an i know like that i hear you i really hate that because i want to be able to tell chris everything i'm insecure

about and have him not like suddenly go whoa she does have a flat ass whoa she her arms are kind of flabby like and i feel like sometimes in relationships you don't share that stuff which you should be able to share if you're having a hard day. For sure. I think you should be able to. But I'm just saying that naturally. Yes. Naturally, it's impossible to, like, go hear those negative things and go, oh, okay. Like, because you wouldn't focus on them. The partner wouldn't focus on it.

They would be like, oh, you do have a flat ass. Okay. That wasn't even a thing that I was even worried about. Yeah. I mean, yeah, you do. But it's exactly like I don't care about that kind of thing. Like, I totally agree with you. Like, you sometimes see it.

Like, I used to get really scared about telling Chris about things I was insecure about because I was like, he won't be, then suddenly I will come out from the wall and he will see and he won't love me because he won't be able to stop focusing on this thing. But I feel very secure that I could look any way

and this guy would still like me. Is that true? Yeah. Yeah. True story. He's like, he just whispered

in my ear, make sure you go to Pilates today. Well, that was weird. Okay. No soft body. Yeah,

I heard that. It is funny, like when I would do, what's that flywheel or what's the other one? Whatever. The bike ones. Well, that's the thing. Peloton, you do alone.

You don't have, when there's a woman's butt in front of you, you almost feel like you're chasing her. Like in a weird, creepy way. You're like, I'll catch up to you. I'm coming for you. And it pushes you. But Peloton, you need like a fake ass i used to have a joke that i would compete with women on treadmills next to me because if i got

on a treadmill and i got on after this girl had already been on there's no way i'm getting off before she gets off because i've gotten on after and i also am always wanting to go at least 0.2 faster than her and on an incline that's bigger than her because I need to be the best. And then I had a joke that I would scoot my treadmill up just a little bit so I'm always winning. I'm always going faster. Oh, like actually physically moving it?

Yeah. Yes. I told you one time, my little brother, we saw someone fall on a treadmill because we were doing this thing where we'd work out, we'd lift,

and then we'd jump on the treadmill while it was still on. And this couple came on, came in. I went to get water. And they didn't know that your treadmill was on? I left the treadmill on.

Oh my God. And this woman, it was all slow motion, but also so fast at the same time. And she just gets on and she flies off. Because you can't see it. You can't see it going fast.

Oh my God. So Sam sees it and Sam keeps running because he's so afraid of confrontation and doesn't know what to do but he's trying to run away from his problems but he's staying right there it was just so and the guy's like i finally came over there and they're like look i don't mind that you guys kept it on i don't mind that she fell but this fucking guy never stopped running i don't understand how she fell but this fucking guy never stopped running i don't understand how you cannot stop oh so they called him out yeah yeah it's like you and the

sephora thinking you're invisible like you guys both have coping mechanisms that are just stay there yeah we try to disappear yeah yeah so weird the best part about it is we watched it with the doorman and it was all in like black and. It looked like a Charlie Chaplin movie. Like, vroom, vroom. Was she okay? Was she hurt? She's fine. I mean, she was okay.

She must have been so embarrassed. She wanted to be in a wheelchair. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, she was already in it. Well, then it shouldn't have affected her. She should have hit the ground rolling.

No, actually, she could walk now. She actually moved the L4 to the l7 which yeah oh my god did you see that story about that girl that went and got a chiropractic adjustment oh god young girl she's 21 and now she can only talk by blinking what the hell he like did some like thing on her neck and she's just a young college student and completely paralyzed her and now and she had a heart uh failure and it was like her spot like she and now she's like hooked up to all these machines and she can only communicate by blinking and she was a healthy normal girl just going to school studying for

finals feeling like her neck hurt from like looking over at a textbook all day and she went to get an adjustment cracked by i would never get an adjustment i Sorry, chiropractors. I know a lot of you think it's like I would never. I just first of all, I just I've never I don't know there. I want to say I'd never heard of anyone feeling relief from them. But the one time I had one, I was given I was sexually assaulted during it. And he kissed my he like licked the tears off my face because they start. He made me cry from the adjustment. Something snapped and I start crying. And then licked the tears off my face because they start he made me cry from the adjustment something snapped and i start crying and then he sucked the tears off my

face and kissed my forehead and this was all done this was some guy that um my friend had hired she was on tour and she hired this guy that was like madonna's healer and he was such a fucking fraud he was one of these guys that's like lift up your arm okay i'm gonna say a food and when i push down on your arm i'll be able to tell if that food is good for you or not so you'd be like blueberries and he'd push on your arm go you need more of those strawberries you need he was just such a fucking phony and i went in this room with him and he and i brought luigi with me because he was with me we were all in this like hotel room it was just us and a bunch of girls that were on this trip with this girl and luigi's on my chest like sitting on my chest as i'm laying on my back getting this done and

he's growling at this guy hardcore because he could just sense and then the guy made me cry by adjust like you could do adjustments that make people cry like for sure like they just cut open and he's asking me about my boyfriend and i was having troubles at the time so i just start sobbing and he licks he sucked the tears off my face and i got such a bad migraine that night from the adjustment i was throwing up i could barely go to my friend's show anya had to talk me off the ledge i was so i've never been sicker from an adjustment so um i will never go to get one the licking i can't believe he licked your face that was just like it was so it wasn't like it was sucking it was it was so weird um still do you guys go get chiropractic adjustments i went one time and i was wanting to get cracked because i watch these

videos on on tiktok and shit and i'm like it's like asmr for me seeing people get fucking their lumbar broken apart yeah and then they're like oh relief yeah it's like oh for me, seeing people get fucking their lumbar broken apart. Yeah. And then they're like, oh, relief. Yeah. Like, oh, my God, I could see Jesus now. And it's like, really? Yeah, he's standing next to you. He's the assistant. But I felt like, so I went in to get it.

And the guy went through all my shit. And he looked through like an x-ray. And he's like, yeah, I don't feel comfortable cracking you. I'm like, how bad is my shit? No way. Recently, you got turned away? Yeah, not too far away. I got turned away from a crack. I don't know comfortable cracking you i'm like how bad is my no way recently i went all the way yeah not too far away i got turned away from a crack i don't know what's going on the one down the street no no it was like a guy who came to a show and it was like what did he tell you doesn't

that make you worried a little bit but then i kind of just pretended it never happened and i walked out what did he say that is fucked up he said like my neck my neck is like i don't know like something with like he was looking at something that was like red and blue and he's like that's too much blue to cry um i'm actually going to get an iv today for inflammation because of my vocal cords i'm going to get um an iv treatment with vitamin c and hydro wait um wait what's it called hold on let me look it up so people know it's it's supposed to be good for um inflammation um and that is what i'm having a lot of oh glutathione um so i'm going right after

this in an hour to get an iv treatment i thought those were just for people that i i kind of think those are fake too like i'm just doing this because those were just for people that I kind of think those are fake too. Like I'm just doing this because my vocal teacher recommended it, but I kind of think those are bullshit as well. Let's do one news story. Okay. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first.

Oh boy. It's Wednesday folks. You know what that means? It is Wednesday. Hope you're having all the swells out there. Apparently we are. We believe in IV drip and cracking the necks. Okay, back to you, Noah.

I love you going, you know what? I don't believe in it. I wonder how far I would go. People are going to write me. I'm really sorry to people who are chiropractors. Because I know it takes a lot of schooling. I just am scared of it. And I just had a bad experience.

He's got too much blue I went once and I really liked it and he did crack my neck and I did not like that so if I ever go back I just will say don't crack my neck

crack everything else yes I want to get my bunions I would go there for bunions I think they do some bone stuff for bunions that I think might be helpful so I don't want to

don't please don't write me I know that it does work for some people or do write me let me know how i don't care and if they could crack a hemorrhoid that'd be great oh no too much red down there too much pink coming out of your ass all right all right um first news story a man who was featured on a british television show called my massive cock which follows well-endowed, has alleged that he was rejected from a job because they thought he had an erection during his interview. Yeah, this guy has the biggest. I send up this to Andrew. Whenever I see a cock related news stories, I always send them to Andrew.

Yeah. I mean, this guy's penis is, it looks like he has a rodent in there or an otter. So he describes it as his penis is thicker than my forearm, he says. Yes. And he has a nine and a half inch penis. Share the wealth. I mean, can you imagine if like any job, it isn't like, it is a tough, I mean, I guess you just got to buy a bag of your pants, but if you're-

Or you have to say, I have this affliction and come with like a doctor's note or something because that is- It's a weird thing to open up with though. There's nothing to- I'm great at Microsoft Excel and my dick always looks hard. You know, it's like, when do you bring it up? Like, how do you bring it up? It hasn't hurt Jon Hamm.

Well, certain roles. In White Lotus, the guy has like a 15 inch penis and they show it through his it's like a whole thing to like get her going but um to get her going i don't want to don't get it yeah i will say that i did this new thing that i encourage everyone to do my on my girls chat, we are talking about Aubrey Plaza and I'm just annoyed that she's a celebrity that everyone loves. No one doesn't like her. Every man likes her.

She gets a pass because as a woman that's in entertainment and who men really don't like a lot of times and who just hate for no reason, I know that men only have a couple women that they give the pass of like, they're cool. We like her. Aubrey Plaza, it anno like they're cool we like her aubrey

plaza it annoys me how much men like her and everyone likes her i've never met someone who doesn't like her so we did this thing where we record our boyfriends we asked them or husbands we asked them what do you think of aubrey plaza and we get their responses and it's just been so funny because all of them are like she's's cool, but it seems contrived. Like they try to be fair about it, but they ultimately are all like, you know, she's she. They would. And Chris made a good point. She's like that girl next door where they think they could get her like Anna Kendrick like this.

Like she's not too hot where they convince themselves like, yeah, I could get Alison Brie is the same. Alison Brie is another one. No one doesn't like Alison Brie is the same. Alison Brie is another one. No one doesn't like Alison Brie, and I'm jealous. No one doesn't like Anna Kendrick, and I'm jealous. And no one doesn't like Aubrey Plaza. These are all women that get a man pass for some reason. I feel like Aubrey Plaza, she has a very dry sense of humor, and so then therefore she doesn't talk that much.

No, that's a good point. That is a good point. She doesn't talk that much no they're scared that's a good point that is a good point yeah she doesn't that's what it is and she they all think that they'd call her they'd say she'd make fun of their penis size because she's mean that is another thing they're scared of her being like you're being too honest yeah yeah yeah i think that's it that guys really like that and i'm not talking about all guys. I'm talking about Reddit guys. You know who I'm talking about. The ones that don't like women anyway. I mean, it's just... I see a lot of women with big butts.

If they're curvy, they're not allowed to wear the same things that non-curvy women can wear. And a lot of teachers are either getting fired or threatened to be fired if they wear that outfit. But it's a normal outfit. They just have gigantic tits and ass. And so. Yeah. We live in a puritanical society where, you know, sex is bad and you're a whore. Yeah, sex is whore.

And like I was even watching Love is Blind last night and they were talking about the birds and the bees conversation. No one's parents on the show gave them that conversation my parents didn't have that conversation chris's parents didn't have that conversation why is it that every other thing as you're entering into adulthood your parents walk you through you have to get a license they take you out to drive they teach you hopefully about like paying your taxes which they they don't actually they didn't do but i mean like this is a huge sex is such a huge thing and they just go figure it out yourself figure it out there's no there's nothing every parent is so

hyper vigilant about every little thing their kids do especially in this day and age and there's no talk about sex how give me the talk how would you how would you do let's role play you're the parent i'm the kid okay i want to hear how you would give the talk in a way. You're my teenage boy. Okay. Yeah, I'm your teenage son. Listen. I know this is not a conversation you want to have with your mother.

I have to do it because my parents didn't have it with me. I'm going to make it quick. Okay? Listen. Okay. You're going to start having sexual attraction to people. It's something everyone goes through. I know this is hell for you to hear it from me. I'm so sorry.

You're going to start. Maybe you've already started experiencing it. I've noticed some very stiff parts of your laundry. I wouldn't say that, but I would say, listen, I have noticed a slick puddle on the carpet.

Those are boogers, Mom. Those are boogers. A. Those are boogers. A pond of boogers beneath your bunk bed. I'm babe. Please, honey, don't call me babe. We stopped doing that. That's only for your dad. So I just want you to know that nothing you're experiencing is abnormal.

It's totally normal. I noticed that you just got a girlfriend. And you guys are going to want to have sex. And I know you're going to tell me, no, we're not, Mom. I don't want to have sex. Even if that's true, someday you're going to want to have sex. And I just want you to know that you can do it. Is having sex okay?

Like at my age? Yes, it's totally okay. At 15? It's cool? sex. And I just want you to know. Is having sex okay? Like at my age? Yes, it's totally okay. I'm 15. It's cool? Yes. You can do whatever you want. I'm not going to tell you what to do with your body. But I'm telling you right now that you don't want a kid.

And if you do have sex, you must wear a condom. And if I find out you don't, you're going to have hell to pay. Like you cannot not wear a condom. But then you can't feel the pussy, mom. You can't feel the pussy with the condom on, though, mom. I promise you that someday you'll be with someone and you will be able to feel the pussy. You don't get to experience everything you want to when you want it. And you can feel the pussy with your fingers.

You can go down on them. Do you know what that is? I don't have to put a golf glove on, mom? No. Okay, that's cool, mom. That's cool. But if you don't wear a condom, you will be grounded. You must do that and you know i

honestly don't think you should be having sex because i don't think you understand how connected women get when they have sex so if you do have sex with a girl you better expect to be there for her and to be her boyfriend afterwards because she's going to want that and if you and i know you think you don't want it but you know how we learned about empathy how everything you feel isn't what everyone else feels most people don't learn about that until their 30s i taught you that early because um you know that's the way that's the thing that gets in everyone's ways everyone thinks they feel the same way you are going to feel differently after this than the girl does okay you're probably not going to care as much and be connected it's your own thing mom i think you're like putting here's here's a book called getting to i do for kids

it's just uh it's just a um a picture book that the fucking comes out it's just that guy's dick from the interview it's a pop-up it's a pop-up that's what i was looking for wait what um i i think i i thought that was very good but i feel like there's still details like do we get into the details of like well you can ask me any questions yeah but i i'm not gonna i'm not gonna give details and like it depends like if they have a girlfriend i'm gonna say you're probably kissing you've probably seen porn before with your friends that That is not what sex looks like. Generally, here is my special banging. Here is my special good clean filth.

This will answer some of the things for you about what happens in the bedroom and what you're not to do and what you are to do. And let's talk about what you've seen on porn. So anal is like dope? Oh, yes. Please do that. If your girlfriend is into anal, do that all day long.

You're not going to get anyone pregnant with that. Do I have to wear a condom if it's anal, mom? Yes. Yes. Because I just want you in the practice of where I get used to condoms because that's going to be your life, son. And if you do get a girl pregnant, I'm not going to help you pay for it or do anything to do with it because that is on you.

If you are having sex, you are taking that responsibility. I'm not going to help you pay for it or do anything to do with it because that is on you. If you are having sex, you are taking that responsibility. I'm not going to help either, too. I'll be just like you. I'm not going to help either, Mom, like you. Well, then I will sign us up for Teen Mom because that will be a great season, son, and we'll make some money off of it. All right. We've got to go to break. We'll come back with a special Wednesday segment. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show,

which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from Jon and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to

The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Alright, we're back. It's Wednesday, so we're going to do a new special segment called Build a Joke, which is where Andrew and I bring up a premise that we've been working on or thinking about working on, and we talk it through

because we all need some help with our jokes. This is usually my least favorite thing to do, but I'm forcing myself to do it. Oh, yeah, i hate doing this um because any line you get that is not i don't like any help with jokes before i bring them on stage because then i can prove it's the same way about when i'm trying to write a song matt and anya have been trying to help me they're like maybe you should co-write with someone i'm like no because that won't count as me doing my first song. So I have to at least write one by myself.

Then I can get help. But I need to prove that I can do it. Have you watched the Rick Rubin clip? We're not yet. No, you sent that to me. I have to watch that. Yes. Okay.

What about that stood out to you? Was there anything that you can give me right now? What was it? Noah sent me a clip that was going to help me with songwriting and how i beat up myself about uh not working on my stand up enough so it was rick rubin talking about working with jay-z and how jay-z would go into the vocal booth not having written anything or like no lyrics that he had in his mind or anything and he would just hear the music and he would start creating on the spot and i feel like it's very much like how you write your jokes like like in the moment so there is something to say about the creative process and keeping it in the moment and not like pre-planning

it and i think you would feel very good hearing what rick rubin had to say about it maybe you need music before you write the lyrics instead of lyrics and yes yeah that is a definite way i read something last night actually about uh songwriting and it's like yeah get get pick some chords play them and then just start talking over them and like yeah get it out i i usually do that i usually don't sit down when i'm trying to write a song i don't usually don't sit down with a a goal especially and even with joke writing it's like i don't go i want to write a joke about bikes it has to be like oh i have this feeling about bikes right now and i want to talk about it like it doesn't it's hard to yeah i mean unless you're writing for like a show or something then you really don't have a

choice to like wait for inspiration um andrew do then you really don't have a choice to wait for inspiration. Andrew, do you have a joke that you would like to present? John Mayer actually had a thing about that, about not waiting for inspiration, just writing and not being so attached to what it's going to be. You know what I mean? Yes. So there is something, too.

When we're just writing jokes for FBoy, we might write some amazing jokes, and we didn't even think of it that day like we didn't even care we don't even give two shits about it and there's something about john mayer has this whole i also think that like people are always like how did you write that i'm like i don't know it just came out on stage and people are like on stage you wrote that whoa and i'm like but doesn't it come even if you're at starbucks but doesn't it come even if you're at starbucks writing didn't it come from no i mean it has to show up at some place but sometimes people are like but when you're so much it's like but on stage in front of an audience

there's like so much pressure more pressure and you have to say something and you just come up with pressure i think it makes what yeah i don't write i don't do yeah i don't like do good work when there's not pressure when there's just like yeah when it's just when i'm comfortable like i just want to turn my brain off there's no urgency like that's not going to create good stuff but okay the pressure's on andrew yeah there's so much pressure so two jews walk into a bar right and one jew is like cool and the other jew is rick rubin who's not that cool no okay uh i don't know something that's been happening in my relationship that like um brenna gets mad about my beard hair in the sink and uh like to the point where but what happens is like guys try to clean up their beard hair, but even if there's eight left,

it's like I took a shit on her grandpa's grave. That's how angry she gets. And then I don't get angry. I just think it's hypocritical. And I know it's not equivalent. I really do. But hair in the shower from her head looks like the monster from The Ring is looking at me

while I'm trying to wash my balls. And I'm not getting mad about that that so why are you getting so mad and then we had a conversation where she was like i just don't want to brush my teeth with your hair and i was like well maybe a few more bristles will help which started a whole nother argument so that's and you're like well i don't want to brush my teeth at all i don't have teeth i don't maybe that's why i don't have teeth um that's really funny i get it i get both of your perspectives because but here's the thing like i i don't i'm not being funny about this but like i'm just being like like i think oftentimes i've argued with you a lot about things and And every time I have, like when someone has something with you,

you go, well, I don't art. Well, you do the same thing to me and it doesn't bother me. And it's like, we're different people. Like it doesn't.

And I understand like not doing the same thing to someone. If it's like, okay, if something bothers me, why would I do it to someone else? But it's like, because that doesn't bother, I know it doesn't bother you.

So I can, but when you do it, it does bother me. And I'm not saying like for me, but I'm saying. It does bother me. And'm not saying like for me but it does bother me and i don't say it which that's on me too agreed agreed i agree with you i i i think i mean i already think the joke is funny i think there is a little bit deeper things to like to that aspect of it of like i'm afraid of confrontation so i'm not going to bring up the hair hairs are so much harder why do women hate it so much because because it looks like i've heard you don't hate

it no but i just think it's it's they're easy to wash down the sink you just kind of like push water it is but there's always like that's the thing there's always like nine like nine or ten but yeah there's hundreds before yeah yes um i don't know why it's so annoying but yeah you're right like you're scared of confrontation like you that would be really interesting for you to get into like that because i think a lot of people feel that way of like they're just so scared to because your thing is you're scared to hear no or you're scared to not get what you want when you ask for something which we all are i mean like that i learned that early when i told chris i

loved him when we were like six months in and he was like i can't say it and i was just like wait i thought that if i asked for this thing you would just give it to me and then we'd be done but he was like no i'm not saying it like i don't feel it and i was just like and then you're just stuck in a relationship where you're not getting this thing you want and that's too scary so that i i learned from that never ask a man to say i never asked for something because if he can't give it to me that's i'm not gonna leave even though i should have because i wanted this thing he couldn't give it to me i should leave like when you ask for things and you you should be able to hear no and then have a plan for that no because i think a lot of times we ask for things and you you should be able to hear no and then have a plan for that no because i think a lot of times we ask for things and think there's no way they won't say

no and then they do and you're like how could you say no and it's like because that's an answer and i think what happens yeah in my brain is i go okay she's mad about this but then if i get like mad about something else in the house, but I also know that she probably does more work around the house, I don't want to bring this up knowing that she probably has 15 things in her mind that she's already pissed about. So I'm almost afraid to hear what my truth is. You know what I mean? Yes.

So it's like, oh, I'm not going to bring this up because they got other shit. Well, that's no offense, too too because I think you both do this, but that is just not feeling safe because that person is going to use things against you. Like that's just not good communication because I used to be scared of that too. I mean, that's my whole life is being scared of ever. That's why I was quiet in high school. I was scared that I would talk and then a boy would go, well, you're ugly. So they like know something.

Yeah, they'll throw it back. Yeah, so they'll, or they'll go, you know, it's a classic thing of like a girl gets hit on and she's like, no thanks. And they're like, I wouldn't want you anyway, you fat whore. And you're like, okay, sorry.

Like, I'm so scared of rejecting men because they're going to call me fat or ugly or whatever I'm feeling is a shameful thing to be in my life that day. Well, you live with Chris right now. There's got to be in my life that day and well you live with chris right now there's got to be things that annoy you around the house that you might not bring up because no i told him i know there's a thing he does vote verbally that annoys me and i told him for the first time ever because i thought it would hurt his feelings because he does it so much that i thought he

would be like you've been storing this all along but it's just I sometimes have a threshold for it and sometimes I don't like if we're ever on the phone and I'm like hey I gotta go because of this he goes well I gotta go oh yeah this thing just came up like it's just joking but he goes like I gotta and I go we don't need to do that like I can don't make me feel bad about having to go and he's like oh my god I'm not and he's like it's just God, I'm not. And he's like, it's just a joke. Like, I'm just joking. I'm like, I don't really care for it. Like, I just don't every time. Because I always get nervous when I say I have to go

because I know that that response comes from a little bit of an insecurity that someone has, you want the conversation more than them. Like that they're like, you know, like even if it's a joke, it comes from that in a minuscule way. And listen, we all feel that way when someone goes, well, I'm going to let you go or I have to go.

You're always like, oh yeah, I have to go too. Like, but he does it in an overly joking way. So I think the other day I told him and he has just handled it so like, he was just like, he laughed about it. He was like light about it. And I am a mess around here. I mean, like I have so, I'm much less clean than he is.

He cleans the apartment. I am like, I'll pay someone to do that, but I'm not going to do it. And I steal all his covers at night. He, I'm trying to think of things he does that I'm just like, there's nothing. He builds a fort between us every night. Oh, like a beaver? He builds like a love is blind fort of pillows between us every night i'm not joking you there becomes like a sack of pillows i can't even see

him over it in between us yeah and i always stick my hand over and grab his dick through him and just like get him i go i got you like you're coming from mexico or something and i thought i think he just like i i always like knew that he did this and then last night i go what is with the fort like what is with the wall like why are we love knew that he did this and then last night i go what is with the fort like what is with the wall like why are we love is blinding in bed and he's just like what do you mean and i'm like you build a fort every night a fortress he built like a you know a trading post between us every single night and he's like no i don't i'm like you do you what are you talking about of course you do he's like i just like a lot of pillows to, like, spoon.

And then, like, I need that. Like, he has them there to, like, grab in the middle of the night and spoon. And I've taken it as, like, this thing. Like, he doesn't want me near him. He's spooning the pillows instead of you. He's like, I just put, like, a brown wig on this body pillow. But it's not, like, you. It's not, like.

But, like, I just want to spoon something like warm but just not your body it's colleen um i'll never look like that body pillow chris i'll never be that soft i know that's your love language hamdram that's your body pillow um i feel like uh those but what you said like now we laugh about the beard hair like now we're at the point where it's like you just got to get it out in the open and it might start it might start tense and angry but i swear on the other side is just like a beautiful laughing like okay i know i'm leaving pubes in there might be like now we where we get it yes you know what i mean i am not the gross one in our relationship like i'm the andrew in my relationship. I'm the Andrew in my relationship. So I'm sure that Chris has... I mean, I'm definitely leaving things out

that he's just like, can you just wipe off the sink? There's just orange makeup blots everywhere. Yeah, I think that... It's like Donald Trump passed out in the bathroom. I give things in our relationship that aren't cleaning up and being tidy that and he i think he accepts me for that like he i i never thought i could live with a man because i was

such a mess and i got shamed so much in my childhood of like you're never gonna get a date because of the way you eat you're never gonna get a you're never who how could who could live with you and i just feel like uh i'm that like I'm just not that insecure about it anymore. And it kind of makes me, like I'm like you, like I kind of got my act together when living with someone because I just respect that they want a tidy place. So I'd like tidy up and then I'm like, oh, this actually feels kind of nice.

And then I do it for myself. But I'm a little offended he never wants me to do his laundry. He doesn't want you to do his laundry. He doesn't want you to do his laundry. Never. I would love to do his laundry. I would love to do things for him. Because he likes his t-shirts. He's probably worried that you're going to shrink them or something.

He just likes to do his own stuff. I would love to cook for him. But he doesn't want anything domestic for himself done by me at all. And it's not because I'm bad. He just wants to do it himself. And I get that. I totally get that. Final thought. What were you gonna say no i i feel like you're like we both got you were saying how we get our act together like we were joking how brenna is like so tidy at time

even though she kind of doesn't want to do it like that's what you also learn that these people that are really tidy and stuff they don't want to clean it like they don't love it you know i have friends that love it yeah that gets like it's probably good for anxiety it's still a chore yeah but but point being is that like her being like anal has actually really helped me mature like a lot like remember like two years ago i didn't have cups you know yes i've come along so what are your what's your bit that you're thinking about i mean even you know um i let me see um oh i wrote this down the other day like i often am like oh my god girl where did you like i always like see a girl that's like super hot and i want

to look like her and i and i always go like where'd you get that sweater or where'd you get those jeans like i think that is the thing that's gonna make me look like her when it's really like where did you get those g e n e s like where like i can't like this other day this girl there was a pa on the show i was working on and she had on these jeans and she just looked so fucking good in them and i was just like where did you get that and i was and i go what am i asking she's 22 what do i think those jeans are a time machine what am i but i do that all the time where i think that this one piece of makeup or like i mean then this is like this is the way we all operate we see on instagram a hot girl like showing us this makeup that makes her eyelashes super curled and you're like oh that's gonna make me look like that's gonna give me that girl's whole apartment that's gonna give

me her life like it's just i really like the other day i stopped myself from asking this girl about her jeans because i'm like she is going to be like girl this isn't it for you like this you need so much more this isn't gonna make you colleen like it's funny to think you're a zenub and you were gonna stay as an up if you put on like kylie jenner's lip gloss will that make your ass grow well you know what i mean like yes you know it's like if i just do you know there yeah i mean i think i've been talking about it on stage so much it's like my whole act is like right now about how you know just being insecure at instagram and celebrities telling you this is all they use when it's like okay that's not the whole story it's just like everything is lies but the lies we tell

ourselves about like this thing is going to change my this is the thing that's gonna you know it could be a funny button on that is you go go, and then I put the jeans on, and I fucking look just like her. Or like something that could be like a funny left turn. Because it does sometimes give you confidence. Like I'll put on something that I see like Anthony Bourdain wear, and for a second I'll be like, I feel a little cooler. I feel a little bit more confident.

Even if I don't look like him. That's being a man. No, I agree. It could be just a funny left turn is like and then i fucking did all this shit and i gotta tell you i look exactly like well my point is always like i can't wait to lie to all i can't wait to be famous enough that i get to have some skincare line and tell you that's what i use when i would never fucking use it i can't wait to lie to you and i won't lie like when i get a facelift i'll tell you guys's what I use when I would never fucking use it. I can't wait to lie to you. And I won't lie. Like when I get a facelift, I'll tell you guys. I'll tell this podcast.

When I got cheek filler, I regret it, but I'm going to get more to like even it out. I got lip filler. I got, you know, like I'm going to just be more, I'm just going to be honest with stuff. Oh, my friend. Oh, this is the new beauty trend that I'm obsessed with. My vocal coach.

And I honestly think I would not tell you something unless I thought it really took you up many notches because I think most beauty stuff, even getting your hair highlighted, it's whatever. I just love to do it because I'm on TV and it matters to other people. It does not matter to me. I never notice roots.

I don't care. It is something that I truly do because other women tend to think that you have to get your hair done every five weeks. And so I do it. It does not affect my self-esteem in any, if anything, it makes my self-esteem worse because when you get foils done and you get your hair washed, even though my girl is so careful and she's always like, I didn't pull out a single hair, didn't lose a single hair. I always, my hair feels thinner afterwards because inevitably hairs do fall out. I felt some yesterday yesterday even though she claimed nothing came out i still love you ally um it just feels thinner

the next day um but this new thing it's called um oh god uh eyelash perming up eyelash perm and it makes your my vocal coach amy the other day her eyelashes yesterday were like so curled i was like what is your eyelash curler i need to buy it immediately and she's like i have really long eyelashes but they're just straight you know and she was like i got them permed and they last for eight weeks permed and it looked like she was like i mean and you could wear no makeup and it just makes you look like you have makeup i mean so much of like and it i just couldn't believe it and so she gave me the name of her person and i'm gonna go get my eyelashes curled and i like permed and i can't wait what if that's like a funky 80s perm where they're all like wiry and like twisted and like like uh that yellow school bus teacher

mrs frazzle frazzle those are my eyelashes But that's a new trend that I'm like, oh, okay, I'll get into this. And now I'm going to get an IV. Like all these LA things, I would not be getting an IV right now if it wasn't for my vocal coach who was like, you need to do an IV of vitamin C and hydroclutathone. Like whatever, it's just like,

it never ends what you need to do out here for treatments. I mean, it is. It would never end to try to like like go for youth i guess i don't know like when does it end when you die i guess i don't know i can't wait if you keep searching for it it's so hard but you can't give up until you die i guess as a woman it's just it's so sad and if when you watch love is blind seeing zenub it's like you're just like you're so beautiful you look so good and she's just like hiding her face and she has makeup on and every time he compliments her he's she's like well it's because i have

makeup on and i'm like oh my god i'm such a zenub like i just can't accept you know it's there it's it's day-to-day for sure and it's based on your period and it's based on all the things your hormones but um it sucks that we all just can't the other day i did have an epiphany where i was in the shower and i wasn't loving my body i was like god you're feeling things are gonna be tight today you just know it's one of those days and i was like but i have a body that like works and i was was just like, okay, just like I can stand in a shower. I don't need to be worried about slipping when I get out. I, my, my feet don't hurt to walk on.

Like I, I just started kind of going through the list of things of like, you know, and even, even though this is mean, I chose someone that I would not want to look like. And I was like, what if I was them? How would I feel today? Like, how was like, what if I was them? How would I feel today? Like, how grateful would I be if I were them? And then I snapped my fingers and I had this. And I know that's not the nicest thing to compare yourself like in other ways. For whatever reason for me, that really helped because I was like, I think I'm always comparing

myself to Kendall Jenner. That's like the ideal body type. Long, lean, no fat anywhere. Tiny waist, hips, but not too much hips long like little deer legs like long neck just perfect angular face that's always what i'm comparing myself to but what if i was like wow if i what if i was a different size that i would or a different shape or whatever or like and then i go if i set my fingers and got this body i would be so fucking happy i would be like yeah well like and then i there was able to have a little

bit more confidence throughout the day but it's just it's hard and that's just the way and don't come at me and be like nikki you like said that being fat's bad i did not say that i did not say that i did not sing don't taylor swift me i'm saying that society says fat is bad and that is etched into my brain. And it tells me that I get less things in life and I get less opportunities if I'm fat, because that's the truth. That's the way it is. And until it changes, that is the way I am going to operate around. And it sucks. And I don't judge you if you're fat. I don't think there's anything wrong with you. That's just what society tells us. So please don't come at me. And I love all of you. And I'm sorry that it's the way that it is.

I think you need to write something for your stand up where you say long a lot because it's a funny, it sounds funny when you're like long arms, long legs, long neck.

Long teeth. Long teeth. Long intestinal tract. Long colon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just keep saying long. Long johns. I guess you got the most LA invite before we go. You're tall Johns. I just got the most LA invite before we go.

You're tall, too. I just got the most LA invite ever. I just, before we go, speaking of LA things. Hey, Natalie and I collaborated and designed a collection of high-end robes. We are having an event to celebrate the launch next week. We would love for you to come. Hope you can make it. Feel free to bring friends

um to a brand of luxury robes that my friend started with his girlfriend um shout out to nick vile and his new brand of luxury robes i wish i could go but i'm gonna be out of town um but i love i love how la that was um i just appreciate it but i gotta go get my iv drip and then go do a podcast um I'm doing Trash Tuesday. Check it out. I think it's going to be out this Wednesday, this Thursday. Or I guess tomorrow. Or next Tuesday.

I don't know. Trash Tuesday with Annie Letterman and Esther and Kalilah. Okay. Thank you guys so much for listening. We'll be back tomorrow with Fan Threx. Can't wait to hear from you guys. And don't be kidding. Yeah. listening we'll be back tomorrow with fan threats can't wait to hear from you guys and don't be John Stewart is back in the host chair at the daily show which means he's also back in our ears

on the daily show ears edition podcast join late night legend John Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines exclusive extended interviews more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.