The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #296 Mega Newbie w/ Julie Glaser

Episode Date: November 11, 2022

Nikki's mom Julie Glaser is at her AirBnB and everyone has the giggles. Andrew is in a hotel and explains why he doesn't like the low bed. Julie shares tips for Facebook Market Place and the GDubs aka Good Will. She is the only person who uses an iPhone like a rotary phone. Nikki says there's no strategy to gambling and she will not play the far right lottery. After doing Kevin Hart's TV show, Julie had a great time schmoozing with comedians like Tiffany Haddish and "Santini" at the comedy club. After reminiscing about department stores and binders they get into Fanthrax. They read a thoughtful YouTube comment and listen to a sexy voice message about poop. ---- Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Get Pod Merch: Podshop.NikkiGlaser.com Nikki's Tour Dates: www.nikkiglaser.com/tour Andrew's Tour Dates: www.andrewcollincomedy.com   More Nikki: IG More Andrew: IG  More producer Noa: IG        See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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I am here in Santa Monica, California with my mother. She is visiting. What's up, Julie Glazer? Nothing. Just kidding. So much. Just kidding. Just kidding.

You didn't even mean it to do that, and you just kidding. You have done this to me. No, you didn't. No, I never said just kidding until I was just kidding, and then it took off. It took off. I don't know what happened. So she's here, sitting here with me. We had a little good morning. Andrew is in Austin, Texas.

Is that correct? Yes, I am. I saw you bringing a Topo Chico on camera. I know that that is the national beverage of Austin, Texas. God, why are Topo Chico so fucking good compared to any other sparkling water? I think they're okay. Really? Yeah, I don't think everybody's talking about it.

Ooh, hot take right away. Oh, my God. What's something you're drinking? No, I mean, I'm drinking down Topo. They're expensive. Well, that's it. If you remove price, there is a superior taste to it. My mom's taste will be affected

By the price tag of something Last night Chris was in her guest room It's Chris's closet And Chris had to go in there after she was in bed He was like I feel so bad I gotta get a shirt for tomorrow Come on in Chris And so I knocked and I was like can we come in My mom's like laying in bed like a corpse

I said come on in Chris She's sitting there in her negligee With rose petals on the rose i didn't know he was coming in that's just how you get ready for bed that's the way i look yeah and so he comes in and he is going through the closet to find a shirt he pulls out a shirt and it has a tag on it like it's brand new and she goes oh newbie you got a newbie and he starts laughing so hard we we were saying newbie in bed after you we went to bed for like 20 minutes. He just goes, your mom is so funny.

She's the funniest person alive. He laughs. It makes me realize how much he doesn't laugh at me when he's around you. I'm like, this guy's capable of like cracking up everything. I don't know. He looks at me and starts laughing. I don't know what I have done to him he really does honestly you are you are like the funniest person to him he just he just looks at me he goes yeah i'm like what now i i didn't do anything he well

the the one time that really we can't get over was when we went to see my dad perform and he asked my mom you gonna get up there and sing tonight? Because sometimes she will. And she goes, no, Chris, I'm a broken woman. And I stand by that. And we were like, what does that even mean? But it's because her neck was fucked up that night. Yeah, I have problems.

Why are you a broken woman? I just have issues with this body. When did your body start breaking? Like when should we get ready for it? Honestly, like 10 years ago me andrew and now are all ages was 53 53 it was it wasn't a day it was just like oh i my body hurts i'm like i didn't even do anything i it's anya uh was just sent us this clip of pat noswalt where he says turning 50 after after 50,

before 50, he was like, I could walk into propeller blades and just put some Bactine on it. And then after 50, my spine implodes because a leaf falls near me. It's kind of true. He said, I broke my ankle because I was stepping off a curb.

And he was like an ant who saw a bird. He just was talking about how frail you get and anya was like yeah like she's feeling like her she's feeling age i'm not really feeling it yet but i'm you're not 50 i i get that but i i know that honestly it happens i started i started to hear you guys complain about your age i feel like around my age like 38 when you were just like you would just I feel like around my age, like 38, when you would just get up and kind of go, like those kinds of things. We know Andrew feels like,

what was the thing? I fall in and I can't get up. Or I fall in and I can't get down. I lay down and I can't get up. I'm standing and I can't get down. It's hard to get down there. Yeah, he gets down and he can't get up. I can't get up. I'm standing and I can't get down. It's hard to get down there. Yeah, he gets down and he can't get up. There's a bed in this hotel room.

I can't get up either. It's on the floor. The bed's on the floor. You pay hundreds of dollars to sleep on the floor. I guess it's minimalist, they call it. Wait, where are you saying? But I can't get to the bed. Oh.

I guess I could say. At a hotel or Airbnb? Hotel, a hotel. It's a platform bed. Oh, right. At a hotel or Airbnb? Hotel. A hotel. And it has like a, like there's not really a, it's a platform bed probably. Oh, right. Yeah, it's a platform bed. It's so low though, I hurt getting down. Can you roll off, get on all fours?

Like almost like a crouch position. You roll to all fours off the bed and then can you get up from there? I guess. It needs to have one of those mechanical things that push you up. Aren't you doing burpees in there? Like, you've got to get on the ground and then get back up really quick? Like, aren't those part of your workout regimen?

Wait, Andrew, is it you can't get in the bed or out of the bed? Which is it? He can't get out. Out. Out and up. Yeah, that's hard. Like, when he's playing with his cat on the ground, he has trouble getting back up. Is that a thing for you? Yeah, that's hard i could yeah yeah like when he's playing with his cat on the ground he has trouble getting back up is that a thing for you yeah that's a definite thing getting back i need

a taller cat i need a greyhound i can get on the ground i need a taller cat well that's why people got greyhounds when they're older your cat always needs to be like one of those halloween cats that like holds up its hand like it squeezes together and arches his back like really skinny and tall i need a cat that rides on top of another cat. I need like six cats. Oh yeah, that would be cool. Do you have a cat tower for your cat? One of those towers? Just Trump at the top.

No, but really, do you have one of those? He puts his name on everything. If I had a cat, I'd get one of those towers. I know, they're cute. No, it's just that, give the cat something. Right. one of those towers. I know, they're cute. No, it's just that give the cat something. Right. Instead of your curtains or your leg of your couch that he's going to tear up. Well, yeah, I think people

don't not get a tower because they're like, I want him to rip my curtains up. No, because they just are lazy and cheap. Now, that's something I wouldn't be so cheap on. Right. No, you would find one at Goodwill. How much do you think a cat tower is, Julie? How much do you think

a cat tower runs nowadays? I would say they cost like $79. $250. I thought for $120. Oh, wow. You could find one for easily on like a Facebook Marketplace. People are trying to get rid

of those things because they're cat-stacked. And G-dubs. G-dubs, yeah, Goodwill. Goodwill. Yeah, go on Facebook Marketplace. I loved Facebook Marketplace when I was furnishing my apartment. That is so fun.

I look at it every day. Yeah, it's a good little place. It's so fun. I just want to see what people are trying to sell. I feel like that has more stuff on it than Craigslist. Oh, I don't even look at Craigslist anymore. It's a nightmare. Yeah.

Yeah. Why? Because Craigslist has too many scams? It's too much crap. Too much nightmare. Yeah. Yeah. Why? Because Chrysler has too many scams? It's too much crap. Too much crap. Yeah. Can you take us through your marketplace search? Because are you going in there and you're just seeing what happens?

Or are you going in specific? Well, right now I'm looking for certain things because Matt and Lauren are looking for a couch. Oh. And they want a specific couch. They want a Joybird. Well, they would like a Joybird, but I did find a Joybird. You know what?

Nice couches love sex. That's what Chris and I are going to get next. They sound sexual. Well, we are. Everyone talks on a couch. We just talked about this. There was something on Reddit I saw that said if you ever go to someone's house,

you just know that that couple Has had sex on that couch That you're sitting on Except you and dad That living room couch overlooking the pool That's sexual I've probably had sex on that couch Just kidding I haven't I haven't had sex on any couches

I would not That was the old me You guys have replaced those couches since then We got somebody else's used couch sex on any couch. I would not. That was the old me. You guys have replaced those couches since then. Yeah, we got somebody else's used couch. Someone else had sex on. I probably had sex on those when they were at other people's houses. I got around at St. Louis.

I don't want a cat tower that other cats have fucked on. Oh, yeah. Everyone fucks on their cat tower. That's why I say get one. So cats can do that. It's the only way I can fuck. That's so funny. So I'm in Los Angeles with my mother.

Oh, wait. Yeah. We wanted to know how you were searched on Facebook. Oh, so I'm kind of looking for a few things. And so I have pinpoints that I can just go to. Okay. Couches. And I look at the couches

for the day what else have I done oh fascinating so you type in couches yeah I just type in couch god you really no I don't even type in it I thought it was more

like a red stuff it's already in there I know I did too it's already in there it's already in there I don't even have to type it so when you go to the cursor it just comes up

as one of your past search things comes up as one of my things yeah oh baby now what are some things that normal people wouldn't know going on a Facebook marketplace that you

know? And you probably wouldn't even tell your secrets if you had them, but I don't think you have them. Here's the thing about that. It's all about timing. If you... I mean, it's... It means you've got to be on it 24 hours and neglect your family. My mom is constantly...

A day trader? Yeah. My mom is constantly on Facebook Marketplace. Her Bitcoin is a lovesack chair. Yes. No, it isn't, Andrew. This is my mom. And my mom uses both hands to look at her phone. My mom just can't. Have you ever just scrolled your phone with one hand in your thumb?

I cannot do that. She does this. And it's this close to her face. And she uses one hand to hold the phone and the other pointer finger to scroll. And then she scrolls like this, like she's just giving it a flick. It can never be.

You know what I feel? Like the price is right. It's kind of fun. It's like a wheel. Yeah. It's a game, Andrew. It's like I'm gambling. She's playing Fruit Ninja or Angry Birds.

I'm gambling. And it's just scrolling on Twitter or something. She'll just go. And it's like, do you know that you can just go like this and scroll it like that without lifting up your finger? Because sometimes I'll go, Mom, you know in your text where you search a word? Because today she was trying to take a picture of my Starbucks order so she could remember. And I go, there's no point in you taking a picture of this. You're not going to be able to find it in your photos.

I've watched you before. It's going to get buried. I'm going to send you photos. They're going to send photos of the kids. And they're going to get, you're not going to, I'm going to see you doing this. Hold on, EJ. I got to find this. I got to find this damn order Nikki sent me.

So then I taught her, I go, I'm going to text it to you. I knew how to do that. And that way you can look in your text. You know how to search in your text. And I taught her how. And so I told her to go back to her text and then you know how you pull down and then a search bar comes up?

No, we don't. And she flicks. She's like, she can't just like, and you know how sometimes you can flick like how to go to your main screen like you do this and all these options come up? What's that?

My mom uses her phone like a rotary. The flicking of the fingers. Still mad about that. You know what we should buy your mom? What? You know what they need to make? Little handles on the side, like when you play slots. They need those little things.

You could pull a little trigger on the side. A little slot handle for you. That's right. My mom played the slots. She came to see me at a casino. I didn't even play the slots. Would you play craps? No, I played roulette. But I played for like an hour

and 45 minutes. Dad tried to convince me that he was like, you know, there was some sign about like no smoking weed. He's like, or there was something about weed and he was like, they benefit from people smoking weed because they can't count cards. And I go, you think people are counting cards at this shitty casino?

No offense to the casino in Iowa on the border. There's no one counting cards there. If there is, there's one person maybe every quarter. And they look. That's the only person winning. I go, Dad, there is no. Gambling does not take skill. There's no skill to be had.

He thinks it does. And he goes, no, there's skill. There's no skill to be had. He thinks it does. And he goes, no, there's skill. There's skill. And I'm like, there's not. Or it wouldn't exist. It's always about luck, Dad. There's a stoner mathematician that's figuring out airplanes and how to get to Jupiter. He's one of the few.

But they can't count jokers. They definitely want people smoking weed around here so that they don't have to count the cards. And I'm just like, okay, anyone who's counting cards will so that they don't have to count the cards. And I'm just like, okay, anyone who's counting cards will know how to count cards stoned, too. Yes. Yes. You can't go stoned or drunk to a casino.

Yeah. Period. But he goes, that's why they get drunk, so people get stupid. And I go, no, they get them drunk so they get stupid and they spend more money, not so that they can't count cards. My dad goes, it fucks up people's game. And I'm like, no, I don't know how to play blackjack at all. I don't know the rules. I don't know. I know it's like 21 and then you hit or you pass or whatever the fuck it is.

I go up to a blackjack table. I used to feel so insecure not knowing. If you go there, the dealer will tell you what the best odds are to do. And then it all comes down to luck. I know there's sometimes you can split it or whatever. But other people at the table will always help you because guess what there is no skill to it you do have to understand the game but there's no like you don't have an maybe geniuses have advantages but the average joe

is not gonna have an advantage at blackjack or about rain man no well he could probably count some cards pretty well well it depends if he's still in or not. Yeah. I played a lot of blackjack, and it depends on- Do you think it's skill? There is some skill involved. There are a lot of rules. Well, tell me why. Because you've got to know whether to hit on something. I can tell you.

Well, where is there a thing where you can tell me, like, I might make a mistake, and you would know what to do? Okay, there's a lot of different things. When to split certain numbers. So if you get two eights right and then you're going against a 10 you don't want to split them but if it's against a six you want to split them then you could double your bet isn't the dealer gonna tell me that maybe maybe maybe not sometimes sometimes you want to stay on certain things and then isn't there a rule for everything there's always like this is the better option to make and then everyone at the table knows that so what skill do i need

because a lot of drunk fucking assholes will just go oh i'm gonna stay on a 13 against a 10 because i just feel it and then it ruins the whole flow of the table and then everyone hates that person and then everyone wants to fight that person and that person ends up winning somehow and now everyone hates them even more and the whole vibe is the same as like betting on one of the green numbers on roulette, where it's like the odds of that. It's black or red. No, there's one green one. The zeros and the double zeros.

Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, let's move on. Okay. Wait. Oh, sorry. Tell me one more thing.

Just like black and blackjack. Okay. They have automatic shuffle, which is harder to count. But if it's just a single deck shuffle, if you see a lot of tens at the beginning, the more tens in the deck, the better it is for you as the player. That's all I know.

Let's say you're playing a single deck, you see a lot of tens up top, then you know not to bet as much at the end because there's less tens. Because you're going to get lower numbers. Yeah, but there might be nines. There's four nines in there, and eights are very close to ten too i don't let me have this i felt like you have it because i don't know what i'm talking about but i do think that if there if there was a way to have an advantage over casinos people would figure it out and then casinos would make money but that's never gonna happen casinos make so much money because there is no way.

The dealer always has the advantage. The house has the advantage. That's true. Yeah. But it doesn't mean it's not fun and that you can't still win. It's so fun. I mean, someone in Altadena out here won $2 billion and hasn't claimed it yet. There is a ticket out here for the mega millions, the mega billions at this point. Are you sure it's not MAGA?

Oh, my God. My mom said earlier she was talking about Trump and she was like, I think he's out because you know what? His people I didn't not sound like that. He had all these people and the megas and I go, megas? And she goes, the megas. They're voting out the megas did not. A lot of his megas didn't.

And I go, what, make elephants great again? That's exactly what he is don't insult elephants like that yeah i won't i go maga and she goes oh and i go it's make america great again she goes ah okay so you've been saying mega do you and dad say mega mega um well someone won two billion dollars and my mom wrote to me and goes you didn't by chance buy a ticket now to dina Mega. Well, someone won $2 billion, and my mom wrote to me and goes, you didn't by chance buy a ticket in Altadena, did you?

The other day. That does say a lot about what she thinks about you. Like, you would buy it and not check it. Like, you would win $2 billion and just like, you're too disorganized, Nick. You don't even know when you win $2 billion. And I go, what would you do with $2 billion? Like, that your life isn't, you would give away. You would still look for cat towers that are half price. You would still.

Yeah, you could say your life. She'd drink Poland Springs. Your life really wouldn't change that much. You would be able to cut off all your family. I could cut them off so fast. You'd have to. You gotta go into obscurity.

No, I'd give them You call your mom, it's the wrong number. Yeah, no, you would give them stuff. Here, go away. What'd you say, Andrew? You call your mom and just do not disturb. It's the wrong number. Yeah, no, you would give them stuff. Here, go away. What'd you say, Andrew? You call your mom and just do not disturb.

It's the wrong number. She's like... My mom said she would give it away, and I just... Give it away? I gotta be honest, I don't believe you. Oh, my God. I would love to do that.

Really? Who needs even $5 million? No one. Me. Really? No. I mean, I could use $5 million. Maybe $20.

I would... Who knows, but a billion. A billion dollars. Do you know how many, okay, do you know how many seconds are in one million? You told me this and I should have paid attention. No, it's okay. It's like 12 days is a million seconds. And do you know how many seconds are, how long is a billion seconds? No.

36 years. That's the difference between a million and a billion people like people think it's insane we got to go to break but we'll be back with more interesting stats after this this is so fun hey guys it's your girl nick i'm in a car on my way to Santa Barbara. Don't know why I'm telling you that, but tomorrow, on Friday, I will be in Thousand Oaks, California as part of my tour. The next night, I will be in Valley Center, California

at Harrah's in San Diego. The next week, I'm gonna be in Burlington, Vermont, Providence, Rhode Island, Tulsa, Oklahoma, Oklahoma City. It just goes on and on. Atlantic City, Memphis. These are all places I've never been before, so if you or someone you know lives there, let them know, come to a show. It means so much to me, every ticket sale means something, and it's a really good show,

and I'm really proud of it, and I think you'll have a blast. So I hope to see besties out at these shows. Again, if you want to go alone, just DM me GOINGALONE, all caps, after you buy a ticket to go alone, and then tell me your name and the city, and I will give you a free meet and greet. And I hope to see you there. I can't wait to meet you guys. And all my tour dates, which are many more cities than I talked about right now,

are available on my website at NikkiGlazer.com. NikkiGlazer.com, and I'll see you on the Good Girl Tour. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics,

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All right, we're back. My mom is overheated. Get that sweater off your lap. Oh, wait. You're like, you're not on, your stomach's not on camera. Yes. Or maybe it is. Yeah, it is. Okay.

Hold on. Let's hide it. Let's hide. There. My mom is freaking hilarious. Last night we went to, yesterday we taped a show that was so fun. What show did you tape? Can you say or no?

Why can't, yeah. Yeah, I assume. Yeah, it's a show for E where we play, we're not going to say who's on it though. Okay. Okay. Okay. You want to talk in the microphone instead of?

Yeah, okay. It's hard. I have to hold it. Yeah, it's so old. You're not, you gotta hold. Yeah, you gotta hold it. So it was a show for e and um they asked us back e wanted us back in the the if you haven't heard my show is not coming back i haven't officially announced that maybe on the show

i think i've mentioned it but it's not coming back my welcome home nikki glazer not enough people watched it i know besties watched it but you know uh it just didn't it's it's okay though i'm totally fine about it i was um i i already knew it was going to get canceled before it got picked up because nothing lasts forever um everything will be canceled you your parents your kids your everything will die everything dies someday yeah i know i hate your mom's face such a downer so like anytime anything happens don't get excited about it because it will be taken from you that's the way i live my life um your mom slowly looked at you like a golden retriever like finding out it's gonna get put down like that's what i know we're gonna take you to a farm you're gonna sky. You're going to put me down. You are probably going to put me down. Yeah, I am.

Actually, I want you to. Because you're purebred, and I don't want your lineage to continue. Sorry to be with you. Wow. I kind of like that. I kind of like that. I do have a problem. Everyone in this goddamn town has a purebred dog.

Everyone has a golden doodle. God, I saw mutts. I've seen mutts. I saw one today. Okay, good. They all have these golden doodles. Is golden doodle purebred, though? Golden doodles are a mix.

A rich mix. They're breeded. Breeded. They're breeded. And I love the dog itself, but people just go, I just wanted hypoallergenic. It's like, that doesn't even mean anything. That was just a term that people came up with. And I know I'm going to get people writing me being like, no, my dog actually does prevent

my allergies. I just want someone to think that they could blow their nose on their dog. That's what that means. They do look like people have snotted all over them. I don't get why they're so cute. Everyone thinks they're so cute.

No offense to everyone I know who has one of those golden doodles. I don't think they're that cute. I don't either. I'm over that whole cuteness. I think there are so many more cute rescue animals that i see that i post on my instagram story these little dogs with sad eyes that have been through some shit these golden doodlers are just like my life has been

perfect from the get-go and they're just they all have too much energy people who get them go like oh my life is hell like i want a dog that's been through like scarred like you've seen war if you just lift your hand they run and then they go to the corner and they shake yeah that's what i look like look like toy dogs that were wound up and then they took the wound off and they just went fucking nuts they look they don't look they don't look real to me they don't they seem fake like like uh like a stuffed animal yes they do and i think that's what people like about them but i i'm sorry and i'm gonna lose listeners on this i'm sorry you probably don't think my dog is cute i don't think they're cute i there are some dogs and i've said

this before dogs with human eyes dogs with um big bulldogs i i love all animals you guys know that i don't eat them but like i don't think bulldogs are cute. I never have. Which kind? American or English? Where their eyes start to droop and you can see underneath their eye. You know what I'm saying? Like,

it droops so low that the lid, like, it comes under and you can see like, you know when you pull your eye down because you have something caught in it? Their eyelids always have these pockets underneath that are exposed.

Wow. Yeah, if that was a human being, it would be on hospice. You know what I mean? These dogs are walking around looking very sick. I know this is controversial. I don't think bulldogs are cute.

There was this guy I was kind of seeing, and he got a bulldog that had blue eyes. I was like, I can't lie. I remember being like he's so cute and his dog makes me physically ill when I see it come up because it looks like a human I will just see what this guy's up to on Instagram and I'll

see his ugly dog and I'll go oh good I'm so glad it just it's an ugly dog for an ugly person well you just know that but you know what I would probably get a bulldog and love it so I just want to say I don't need my dog to be cute to own it you just don't want to have better eyes than you this is the thing people think that something not being cute means it doesn't deserve to live or it doesn't deserve love like it's some kind of like like if someone thought my dog wasn't

cute i really don't care it doesn't mean that it's any less lovable or sweet it doesn't matter if i think your dog is cute but i don't think a lot of dogs are cute. I think they're just as gross as like a cockroach, but I still like, I don't kill cockroaches. God. Does that make sense? Are there any dogs you don't think are cute? I'm trying to dig myself out of this. I'm kind of, well, and I'm in the same camp. Those cute, over cute

dogs, it's like, okay, we get it. They're cute. It's like, oh, look at me. I have the cutest dog I know people that's not why you get a dog to have the cutest dog

you get it but here's the thing have a dog you guys are you're all like you're on one side like so you need run in the mill dog

you don't want a bulldog's too ugly a golden doodle's too cute I'll take a bulldog no I'll take an ugly dog but I'm just saying they're ugly and don't tell me your dog.

I will not go, your dog is so cute. It's not cute. It has human eyes. But some people do think they're cute. It's a matter of opinion. But just because I think, I just want to tell people, if you have a bulldog and I don't think your dog is cute, it doesn't mean I don't think your dog is awesome.

And that you don't think they're cute. Yeah, and that you are probably, actually, you're probably not too cute either. But that doesn't mean that you don't deserve love and that you aren't cool and better. I'm exploring this thing in my set right now where if you say someone's ugly, unequivocally, this person's not cute, this person's not attractive, you get, oh, it's like, oh, that's so mean.

And it's like, why is that a judgment on their, it doesn't mean, it's just a fact some people are not attractive but you can't say that look at me like it's just i didn't know how to end up sentence and then i looked at you and i knew exactly where i was going oh my god some people get it some but but it's so funny because we live in a society where if you're attractive it means you're good which it doesn't mean that at all as you know many attractive people are not good but we live in a society where if you're ugly it means you're bad if you're attractive it means you're good and it's like where did

where did that get lined up because there's i should be able to say that someone is ugly and not have people go that's so mean no it's a fact. It's like saying they're poor. It's like saying they're bad at rugby. It just hurts people's feelings. But that's what I'm saying. I would be hurt too, but I'm saying

we got to take away the moral, you know, the moral levity of your looks. Like, why does that mean? It doesn't mean you're a bad person. It's just about people's feelings.

Well, because we, because looks matter so much. I just read this article that said, girl, hot girls get better grades across the board. High school, better grade college.

They get better grades, but during zoom, their grades stabilized to the same as everyone else's because filters, because the professors couldn't smell their pussies. I don't know. Their pheromones weren't coming out but you have a teacher make the hot girl sit in the front row but that's what i'm talking about that's why we think that's why we think attractive is good because you get rewarded for being attractive you get good things and so when someone calls you ugly you go well that means i'm not gonna get all these advantages and there's just this

it's true you should be able to call someone ugly i hope we get to a place where someone can go i'm not gonna get all these advantages and there's just this it's true you should be able to call someone ugly i hope we get to a place where someone can go i'm ugly and everyone goes no you're not it's like why is it bad that i'm ugly why i was just born this way i didn't choose it i feel like with entertainment too there's always like room for one ugly person and everyone's like wow let's champion them and it's like what about the second ugly person like well that's too much ugly like there's always room same with fat's like, what about the second ugly person? They're like, whoa, that's too much ugly. Like there's always room. Same with fat and ugly. We have like one ugly woman maybe who gets to work

and we have like four fat women in entertainment and that is it. Ugly men, there's probably like 50 that work because there's like character actors. But there's, and there's maybe like four fat men because, and then a lot of them, they just make them wear fat suits, but you're right.

There's always a threshold of like how many. Can this good looking guy gain weight for the role and still be, you know what I mean? Yeah. If we took away. He put on 300 pounds to play the role that this other 40 other people could have played.

What about the Brendan Fraser is now like getting critical acclaim for the whale playing a 400 pound gay man. And it's like, they could have found one of those they're all over the place give that guy a chance give that 400 pound yeah he's got no chances in life and that would have been it well isn't it different sorry i have a question though because isn't it different if i call myself ugly versus someone else calling me ugly yeah but it's i'm saying that ugly shouldn't mean anything either way you should when i call myself ugly or i say oh i'm i look old people you know they want to go no you're not but that tells me

that there's something wrong with being those things. What's wrong with being ugly? What's wrong with being old? The problem is that there's nothing really inherently wrong with either of those things. It doesn't change the person you are. It doesn't change what you're capable of. It doesn't change your intelligence. It doesn't change any of these things. What it changes is how people treat you.

And if we lived in a society where everyone was treated the same way, but we're not, because biologically we're attracted to things that we want to fuck and we want to give things people things that we want to fuck but it doesn't i think that we just have looks and character mixed up and so something there's something evil about being ugly where it's really just as subjective as your skin color or your hair color or your the coarseness of your hair it's really just that much of a different or saying that some people are more intelligent than other people it's just it we both there's a there's a um there's a value placed upon a talent just intelligence when really there shouldn't be it's either because you can't choose how intelligent

you are you either are you aren't it should just be black and white. You know what I'm saying? Does any of this make sense? Intelligence? You can make yourself more intelligent. No, you can't. You're kind of born with, I mean, you can read about things,

you can learn more, but you can't change therapy. Yeah, you can be more knowledgeable. But if someone's born with learning disabilities and a low IQ, let's say, it doesn't make them a worse person than someone who's born really smart. But we as a society put that meaning on it.

It's just as different as like a blonde person and a person with brown hair. That's the difference there. But for some reason, we don't put morality on those things. We don't put morality on, we pretty much put morality on everything people that are smarter make more money people that are better looking make more money yes but it doesn't

change if you're a good person or not or like the type of person you are and that's what we put on it is like that person is somehow a bad person you're bad if you're fat you're bad if you're ugly you're bad if you're not intelligent those things it, it's not true. I mean, people with Down syndrome are definitely less intelligent than the rest of us and they are probably a hundred times better than the rest of us

in terms of like actual morals. You know what I mean? So what would you want to see? What do you want to see from this? I would like to see a world which it will never happen where people are judged

for their character and not the color of their skin. What am I, Martin Luther King? Not the color of their skin, not how I, Martin Luther King? Not the color of their skin, not how fat they are, not how intelligent they are. We celebrate intelligence.

Okay, but what do they get from it other than, but like in the world you're talking about, just be nicer to those people. Just treat them just as good as. Don't give girls that are hotter better grades. I wish that, but these are all things that are subconscious.

You can't help. Don't hold doors for people that you want to fuck and not for people you don't want to fuck Don't treat homeless people different than you Would a person with a lot of money You know like but we Can't stop doing that because it's all subconscious I think you're over exaggerating

On the fucking people No that is what it's about It's biological yeah it's like You it's I mean You're not being nice to people because you want to fuck them. Exactly. But you're nicer to beautiful people

probably because nicer people get, you know that nicer people have more things in the world. You want access to the things they might be able to give you. And the reason they get more things in this world is because they are fuckable

and because, you know, people who generally have most of the power, men, want to have sex with them. And so they get more things. I know I'm nicer to people sometimes without even knowing it subconsciously because they're a pretty girl and I'm intimidated.

I'm like, oh, maybe if she likes me, people will think I'm a pretty girl, and then I'll get more things. It's like we're all driven to these things, no? I don't know about that. I really don't. I mean, I'm as nice to a person who isn't as beautiful as the next person.

I agree that you are, but subconsciously, I think it gets in the way. And I don't want to fuck either one of those girls. I also think there's a difference. I really do. I think there's a difference between someone that's ugly and then someone that's ugly that's also an ugly person. I don't know.

I'm more drawn to, even if you are ugly, ugly person like I don't know like I'm I'm more drawn to even if you are ugly if you present yourself well and you're nice and you're whatever like you you you don't pay attention to the ugliness and I'm just as nice to that person I I feel you know I don't know I think it what comes with the person for ugly people I mean there have been studies done where they like like I said girls that are attractive get better grades across the board. And I bet you anything professors don't think that they favor girls that are more attractive, but they do. It's subconscious.

We reward people in society that we think have more money, have more power, more influence. With men, we reward bigger men. Like taller men get rewarded. You get a little bit more nervous if you got into an elevator with a bunch of guys that were hot and tall and looked like basketball players. You would get a little bit more nervous if you got into an elevator with a bunch of guys that were hot and tall and looked like basketball players you would get a little bit more you would start doing this with your fingers and get a little bit more nervous than if it was a bunch of guys that looked like the bridge man that murdered those two girls dressed in like a weird cap and like you know same with me if i get into an elevator really super hot models i would

be a little bit more nervous and like i hope they like me and like maybe stand up straighter than I would if it was just a bunch of old women. You know, like it's, we adjust. You don't think you do, mom?

Maybe unconsciously. Maybe I do. Well, I see you get more nervous if you have like, you know, you have, there are people that are coming over the house

that have a lot of money or like, are like these like hoity-toity women. You get a little bit more nervous about what they think of your house than just an average person maybe that okay so there we go i rest my case my mom last night met speaking of rich fantastic women uh my mom last night we went to so we did this show yesterday and um it was so my mom was so funny on it it was on zoom it's called celebrity game face and it was so fun we laughed all day long it was a long shoot but we were laughing our butts we were on zoom and we

got to yeah kevin hart hosts it nice and he was on with um and it was like two other celebrities and then they're like friends or like people that they brought so it was like two huge celebrities that we're not gonna say but and they're friends and then my mom and me and and then kevin hart and um it i don't know when it'll air but it was so freaking funny anything you want to say about it i was crying it was embarrassing crying she had tissues because she was laughing so i had these raggedy tissues crying laughing so hard we were just it was just giggle fest. It was so fun. It was so fun. It was so fun. And you play a bunch of games.

It was like a show that was created during COVID to just make entertainment with celebrities at their home. But now it's just continued on because it's just so fun. And we just had the best time. And then I went and did a photo shoot that my guy that shoots for Wilco, I met him at a wilco music festival and then he was like yeah i should shoot you sometime and i was like it'd be awesome and then he saw that i was in la

and so we went over there i just brought a huge thing of clothes to this like abandoned house it was rented and then he was so good i didn't even know what he was capable of. I got like shots. Did you see the Jennifer Aniston shots that came out yesterday? And like those, it was like those. I mean, it's not like as sexy, but he was just really. He was in touch with that camera.

And he was so good. He knew what to do. There's so many. Yes, there's so. You've been to photo shoots, Andrew, and we've done stuff like that where it's like, they'll just start taking photos of you

and just expect you to know what to do. And it's you're not i'm not a model and i don't know what my angles are most people don't but he was like so there was one person do yeah yeah treat me like i'm ugly and he's like you're not ugly i'm like i should be allowed to be it's okay it doesn't mean anything about myself all right you got an A I had this uh like sweater on I didn't have many clothes because I'm staying here so I didn't have like a great wardrobe to pick from but I had this like really bulky sweater that was almost like a robe like a long sweater and I was like I'll just wear like nothing underneath this and so it was kind of sexy and like kind of cute and then I realized because I'm so uncomfortable being sexy that I was making a

sexy face to just try to get me into feeling sexy. And he's like, the thing about these photos is like when you take a photo where you're wearing, like where it's a sexy photo where you're wearing something sexual, make your face unsexy because otherwise it looks pornographic. Cause it's like, it's sex on sex.

But if you just look bored or like, just like list wistful or listless is a cooler look because you're already doing the sex with your body and i would have never known that because i was always trying to like be in the mode that i'm trying to feel and he was like you know if you're comfortable with your hands and everything it's gonna look comfortable and i've never known that every time i did get photos they're like raise your chin straighten your back look up and I'm always like this is never how I would stand and it's just always so he was just so good and you were so good it was like watching a professional model well that is nice of you but honestly I was like wow what were you impressed by I'm really

curious just the way you were moving and you were like so yeah you know how to move for the camera I'm gonna second what Julie says I'm not I'm telegenic but I'm not photogenic okay photos are hard for me I'm and did you notice when you said I was photogenic he did not co-sign on that who he did to the photographer he was like Nikki's very beautiful he said all these nice things and then my mom goes she is photogenic she just is and he was just silent and I was like, Nikki's very beautiful. He said all these nice things. And then my mom goes, she is photogenic. She just is. And he was just silent. And I was like, I'm telegenic. And then my mom goes, what the hell is that?

And I go, I'm good on motion picture. I look better than I do in person when the camera's moving and I'm on video. But photogenic, I'm like, I got 40% chance of looking good in a shot. Whereas my friends that are models, 100% chance of looking good when a shot whereas my friends that are models 100 chance of looking good when they're photographed lauren is photogenic lauren my sister she she's batting at like she's 90 hot in pictures i feel like we're similar in photos where it's like there's like a big window like no you've got nine or ten you're a 90 you think yeah but there's sometimes where i'm like this and i'm like a four like Like I feel like there's big, we have a big window.

Even like candid photos of you look good. Like you're someone whose face just captures real well and still image. Where I look like the cucumber from VeggieTales. But drunk in most photos. I feel like I look like a whole pickle sometimes. The other day I was cyberbullying myself. Because I just hated these photos of me this past weekend. And I looked like the cucumber from VeggieTales.

And it was one time in high school, Kirsten was like, there was this picture of me. And I go, I hate it. I look like a cucumber. And she laughed so hard that it confirmed that I did indeed look like a cucumber. And so the other day, I felt like this picture looked like a cucumber.

And I've put on some weight recently, which I'm just struggling to be acquainted with. And so I started just drawing cucumber like outlining myself and writing cucumber and then sending it on our group chat and I was just cyberbullying myself for like a good 20 minutes and it felt so good to just be like old and I

circled places on my face. I was just really mean to myself. And why did it feel good? Because I just got to say what you are not no i hate when people do that i said don't say anything to me this is about it i just need to say it though is you want people to be nicer to ugly people and then if you feel ugly you're so mean to yourself so then why don't you show love to yourself i I hate that society values beautiful people and I have to...

You're valuing yourself based off of it. Because that's what society tells me too. I get it though. I wish I valued the way I look. I do the same thing. I'm not saying that. I grew up with a mother who says, I'm disgusting every day of her life.

Get out of here. You said disgusting about yourself three times yesterday. Disgusting every day of her life. Get out of here. What? You said disgusting about yourself three times yesterday. I did? We were talking. She's like, I go, look at your. I did? Oh, I had cleavage showing for the show. And she was like, you got some cleavage going.

And I was like, I like it. I'm doing it. And I go, you got some boobs happening too. And she's like, because I'm fat. When you look this way, they go right to your boobs. It goes right to the boobs. And I go, most people like having boobs. I'm getting. When you look at your weight, they go right to your boobs. It goes right to the boobs. And I go, most people like having boobs. I'm getting a boob reduction.

I'm not even getting lipo for other stuff. And she wants a boob reduction. She just doesn't want it anymore. You've got to talk to EJ about that. And she goes, any woman who is postmenopausal, you tell me if they want more boobs. No, they do not. No, they do not.

Does there ever a point in your life that you did want more boobs. No, they do not. No, they do not. Does there ever point in your life that you did want good boobs? No, I used to have good boobs. I mean, but did you like when you had good boobs? They were small, and I was like, yes, I like them. And now they're just too big? Now they're just fat boobs. So ask any woman who's gained weight in their 60s yeah they'll tell you the same thing

they'll go uh just on the boobs it's not fun on the boobs i can't wait to get those mrs doubtfire titties yeah just those yes you can sagged i but i guess it would be a lot of weight up there is it are they weighted i don't want to talk about them okay okay well you know what we should talk about is last night you after my photo shoot we went home for like a couple hours

and then we were out all freaking day 10 a.m. we got picked up for the show we taped that until 3 at 4 o'clock we had the photo shoot

until 6 then we got home and then I had to go do sets last night at 8.30 and we went to the comedy store. And I go on stage.

And my mom is already swept up in conversation with Adam Ray, Andrew Santino. She's in the back. My new besties. New besties. And I walk on stage. They were so cute. Santini? Santini.

The great Santini. The great Santini. Yeah. I love those islands in the Greek island. Yeah. No, he came in and we walked in and he was like,

oh my God. I'm like, oh my God. Yeah, he was very excited to see my mom. It was really cute. I'm like, do we know each other? No, I love him so much.

No, he's really. Yeah. And that's why he's all over me because he loves Nikki so much. Yeah, he wanted to see where it came from. Yeah. And then Fortune Feimster

was there. And then so I go, he wanted to see where it came from. And then Fortune Feimster was there. And then so I go, he saw those big old 60s. Yeah, he saw where the tips came from. The 63-year-olds. 63. So then I go on stage, and I come off stage,

and my mom is deep in a fun, loving conversation with Tiffany Haddish. Tiffany! And then Chris texts me like, hey, I'm out front. He was at work. He was going to pick us up, and I had to go do Chris texted me like, hey, I'm out front. He was at work. He was going to pick us up and I had to go do another set. And he goes, I'm out front. And I go, my mom is embroiled in a conversation

with Tiffany Haddish. I can't pull her away. Oh, that was nice of you. And so I let it go on for another like 10 minutes. What are you talking about? She's got a lot going on. And who started the conversation? You or Tiffany? Yeah, how did it start?

Well, we were talking about, we were sitting there talking. I said, hi, you know, and she's like, hi, hey, girl. And so she sits down next to me, and we were talking about, somebody said to her, I think it was Santini, the great Santini. Andrew Santino. Yes, theini, the great Santini. Andrew Santino. Yes, the magician. The great

Santino. I think he said to her, actually, I think it was Harlan who said. Harlan Williams. Harlan Williams. He was on stage and then he brought me on stage and so we switched and he walked into the green room. So he says, Tiffany,

oh, she said something about a garden, that she has a garden. And he walked into the green room. So he says, Tiffany, is something about, oh, she said something about a garden, that she has a garden. And he said, are you a vegan? And she said, no. And then we started talking about it. She said, I said, that's so funny. The whole way here, my daughter and I were talking, Nikki, we're talking about veganism and how I kind of want to do it.

It's going to be really difficult. And she said, girl, I wouldn't be vegan. She said, it's too hard. But I said, what about this garden? She said, oh. But anyway, she's opening a grocery store in LA in some desperate place that is not doing well. What do they call those places that are deserts? Like food deserts.

And where her parents met is an old bank but she's turning it into a grocery store where she's gonna uh have cooking lessons for you know people and that just have never learned to cook and you know for the for her old her folks in her neighborhood that she loved yeah She said, black people don't cook. She said, black people don't cook. They, she said, my friend, she takes her son to,

uh, Burger King every day. And that's their quality time. She said, think about if you could teach him to cook and sit down and cook a meal with him and eat it. But we went into all these different things about, um,

she wants to do this for her community. She wants to, she bought all this property she's working with all these farms and she's got she bought a big huge plot that she's gonna give her own great yeah she's wearing this like cool white jumpsuit and like she's all about health now dyed um bleached yeah but she's you know how she like shaved it so it's kind of grown in a little bit and it looks so she looks so freaking cute she's so beautiful i saw her and after she was talking to my mom i was like oh we gotta get a picture of you too i go my mom was so excited to see you tonight this is a true dream

for her and they took a cute little picture and then um she's cute and then i was like we're talking about i forget and i go do you own a house here do you own which of course she does she's a rich person she was like oh yeah I own houses and I was like okay how does everyone have a fucking like everyone is so rich yesterday we were on this thing with a celebrity and he was you would I mean I knew he was like well to do he was just he had a he was at his bowling alley. That's what was the backdrop. And I'm staying at an Airbnb that honestly is breaking my bank to stay here for six weeks. It's costing me close to $10,000, which I think is too much to pay on an Airbnb.

And it's a small two bedroom, very small. And I'm like, I'm a celebrity. I'm doing well. How is this not, how do I not have these things? Why don't you have a bowling alley? This guy is worth, we looked up his net worth,

is worth $17 million. But still, I just am like, how do people- And he's really young. Yes. How do people have this much money? And my friend just bought a house

that was $38 million, you guys. It was her second, it was her third home. No, that's a different story. Her third home? Don't get it. That's a different story. I don home? I just don't get it. That's a different story. I don't even want those things,

but since when did houses start costing $38 million? It used to be like that house cost a million dollars. I think in the past 10 years, millions has become, it doesn't even mean anything. Having a million dollars means nothing anymore. A million dollars is nothing anymore. How does that happen?

It's just awful. It's so like and there's some people that the disparity between some people are so fucking broke and then there are other people there's i mean this is the problem with the nation but well i just feel like you're either you have no money or you have all money yeah i mean you're either a bulldog or you're a golden dude or you're a lab doodle. Or you're a labradoodle. Yeah. I mean, a million dollars used to mean huge. Middle class is getting smaller and smaller. I know, and I just got to buy a place, I think. I don't know.

I mean, you've got to jump in the real estate game. I would wait a few months. Can't I just crawl into it? I wouldn't do it right this second. Why don't you jump into it? I was like, you've got to get in. Get in the mix. I'm like, can I tip you in?

Once you own something, it just doubles in price. It's like. No, it doesn't. That's what everyone thinks. Almost. Andrew out here. Andrew lost a lot of money on a condo back in the day. Yeah, I'll tell you what.

I lost 80% and I was in real estate. How did you do? Well, Andrew, what did you do? So what I did is I bought at the top and then I sold at the bottom because I couldn't afford the payments. So that was cool. You know? But no, everything doubles. It just doubles.

It basically does. I mean, if you... Over a certain period of time. Over like 10 years or something. Yeah, I would wait a little bit before a year. I'm saying 10 years, but some are much shorter than that. Noah, you bought a beautiful home

and I think you bought at the right time. You're going to do great. Right before those interest rates went up. Yeah. Woo. Jeez. It's night and day. Knowing me, there's no,

I've never done anything at the right time in my life. There's never been once where anyone goes, wow, you really got in there. No, no. Not when it comes to financial uh like things i've never once advisor gotten a deal on something i do have one he's probably listening right now i've never once made a sound financial decision that was like wow you got in at the there's i always get there right if the sale has ended i uh you know on a store i you know get a promo code and it won't work and so then i can't you like i'll you never text it

it goes say 15 on your first order from this cashmere place and you type in the thing and it suits you a text and then you copy the text and you put it in it goes this code is not this does not work you're like what did i do wrong and then i end up just and you put it in it goes this code is not this does not work what did i do wrong and then i end up just going i'll pay the extra 15 i never i've never done anything right financially are you listening and i'm scared of you like you guys got your house and you won't leave it you don't want to ever leave i'm scared that if i get a house it's just too permanent i don't want i don't want to get married you can rent it out i don't want to ever leave. I'm scared that if I get a house, it's just too permanent. I don't want to get married. You can rent it out, though, in LA.

I don't want to get a house. I don't want to buy anything. I just don't want permanent. I don't want to sign up for anything forever. I just don't get that people are so into forever. But the idea is if you bought in LA, you could rent. Like, if you bought in the hills or something, you could short-term rent it. But then I got to rent it out.

I got to make it look nice. And every week, I got to have someone come in there and change out the sheets. And I got to deal with the cabinets broken on the third cabinet above the stove. And then people go, no, you'd have some guy fix that. Well, then I got to call the guy. And I got to go, the cabinet's broken on the third stove. And then I got to make sure, okay, someone's going to be there to let you in at this time. That's called property management.

No, Nikki, there's people that you can do that for you. Well, then I got to hire those people. So I'm at the bottom of all of this. People go, Nikki, there's people that you can do that for you. Well, then I got to hire those people. So I'm at the bottom of all of this. People go, Nikki, you hire people to do that. I don't want to hire. I don't even want to talk to people. That's the thing. No, I get that.

I'm just. You don't want to commit. Oh, it stresses me out. And this is. Forget it. You hired that one person to deal with 30 things. But then I feel like I'm getting fucked. Because if I don't manage what they're doing,

then they start charging me more because they go, oh, I'm working hourly for her. And then they don't, if I'm not checking up on, what are these hours really actually compute? Then I'm getting fucked on the back end of that. I get fucked on everything. I really, because I don't look at my own books. This is why I need a husband,

but I'm scared of marriage because I don't want to fucking commit to that. So I just need. You could rent him out. I want a rental. I want someone to property manage my husband manage. Yeah, buy your husband and then lease him out. Airbnb.

That actually is. Boyfriend in. Sounds pretty sexy to me. Okay, we'll be right back right after this. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics,

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And Team Supreme and I have been working hard to bring you some incredible episodes of Questlove Supreme with guests you definitely don't want to miss. Now, one of the things I love about this Questlove Supreme podcast is we got something for everybody, every type of musical ever. We enjoy speaking to the people who are the face of some movements, some people you've seen on stage or TV or magazine covers,

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I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, Minnie Questions. Over the years, we have had some incredible guests. People like Courtney Cox, star of the infinitely beloved sitcom Friends, EGOT winner Viola Davis, and former Prime Minister of the UK, Tony Blair. And now, Mini Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe and Cord Jefferson.

Each episode is a new person's story with new lessons, new memories and new connections to show us how we're both similar and unique. Listen to many questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. We want to speak out, we want to raise awareness, and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, and I'm an investigative journalist. When a group of models from the UK wanted my help,

I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a playboy model. Lingerie, topless. I said yes please. Because at the center of this murky world is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his pattern of behavior. He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it. He's everywhere and has been everywhere. It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated. Together, we're going to expose him and the rotten industry he works in. It's not just me.

We're an army in comparison to him. Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts all righty i don't know why i'm doing that voice wait i'm supposed to be talking up here all right we're back are you supposed to talk up there yeah i this is bad for my voice to talk like this oh and this is really good for my voice to talk like this and like louder the opposite you would think it's the opposite but this is better for my voice because my chords hit like flat. They hit, the whole chord hits together. And when I'm talking like this, it's just the middle part goes like, oh.

So is everyone supposed to talk up here? Not like, I know how to do it because I've been voice trained. So it's like you are, it's not like up here. Are you supposed to talk higher? No, it's like loud and like clear. Like you're, the sound is going like an arch out of your body as opposed to like growl, low growl.

All I hear everywhere, by the way, is how fucked up people's voices are now. Oh, everybody's telling me. I'm so obsessed with people's voices now. What about mine? No, yours is good. No, yours is good. It's telling me. I'm so obsessed with people's voices now. What about mine? No, yours is good. No, yours is good. It's so bad.

No, it's not. See, this is what my mom... You have an interesting voice. Is there anything, mom, that you think is good about you? I mean, you got your voice fixed because it was like this. No, my voice is still gravelly. I still have a grit to it which i like i think it's just hereditary and just deal with it that's what you used to when i used to tell my mom i was ugly when

i was a kid and be like i'm so ugly she'd go you just deal with it i mean what i want to hear i go i'm fat and i'm ugly and i never said you'd be happy with what God gave you. You just shut up. In her defense, it probably started with her going, you're so beautiful. You're so beautiful, Nick. And then eventually she's just like, what the fuck? I don't care. I didn't fill my head with lies about being beautiful when I wasn't. My dad did.

My dad would always be like, you are so beautiful. You're ugly. You didn't say I was ugly, but you weren't. I would have been furious if you would have gotten on your beautiful bandwagon when I was a buck tooth, like pimply, frizzy haired girl that no boys liked. I'm like, Dad, you're the only person who finds me sexually attractive. Well, he's like, you're so beautiful. I can't get over it. I just, God, you're beautiful.

And I would just be like, I'm eating tomato soup and trying to eat this grilled cheese. Stop staring at me, gazing at me, dad. He was just like, you look like a hot celery. I just made the most beautiful, like, because he really felt that way because he loves me.

But my mom, I used to say, I'm ugly. And my mom would go like, shut up. I'm tired of this. And then I go, but Lauren's so hot.

Why is she so perfect? And I'm so ugly. And you'd go like, you be happy with what you have. God damn it. I don't want to hear this anymore. Did you think Lauren was hotter than Nikki? No, I've never said that ever in my life. I've never thought that.

I never thought that. Honestly, I never thought that. I never thought. I mean, I had friends that would just go, oh, my daughter's going to be a model. I'm like, shut up. Don't put that shit in their heads right off the, I always thought that was weird.

Yes. Just like encourage kids to. Yeah, we never heard we were like, we heard we were beautiful and like smart and funny. But I would never say you should be a model. You should get out there. Because I had friends that's like, you're so beautiful. Yeah, but I would never say you should be a model. You should get out there. Cause I had friends. It's like,

you're so beat. Yeah. No one said that because I think that's, I think that's weird too. I just, you're putting too much emphasis on their looks, which is going to go away at some point for them. No,

I just thought, why would you put that pressure on? Like you should be a model. My friends used to do this with their kids and I, I still laugh about it. It's like my friends used to do this with their kids and i they still laugh about it's like my kids were much more beautiful than your kids and i never like said oh we're gonna put them in modeling i'm like okay everybody wanted to be put in modeling so fucking bad i wanted to be a child star so i wish he would have jeanette mccurdy'd me she did write a book that's

called i'm glad my mom is dead but I would have loved if you and Dad forced me into the biz. You would have just been miserable. Yeah. I mean, I wasn't good at it. What are you saying? She wouldn't have booked any gigs? I wouldn't have booked. If I can't book them now, I wouldn't have booked them then.

That's for damn sure. You guys, you modeled. You and Lauren modeled for Limited 2 At the mall, we stood out front of the Limited 2 And how did we get that gig? I don't even know how that happened We just signed you up because you said We could be models and we're like

We could do modeling at the mall We're like, okay, so your dad and I took you over there Got you signed up and we just sat there And watched you guys model Oh yeah, we were just out front in little limited two outfits. They put us head to toe in limited two and then we stood out front

of limited two and like people just walked by and we got to be models for the day. That was so fun. It's a good thing they didn't sign you for Amber Crombie

because then you would have been like half naked. Oh yeah, I wouldn't even hardly like going in that store with those guys. Yeah, we would have had to be nude

out front, nude children. I remember when you guys were interested in shopping there. I was like, first of all, those clothes are ridiculously expensive.

Oh, they were so, I remember it was $40 for a shirt. That was the first time and this was 2001, pre-9-11 and a shirt was $40. And I remember just being like,

Kirsten got one. Why can't I get one? It was hard keeping up with Kirsten. It really was. Her family wasn't rich though. Why can't I get one? It was hard keeping up with Kirsten. It really was. Her family wasn't rich, though. Why did we? They just.

They bought at J.Crew. They bought at Abercrombie. They spent their money on clothes. Yes, and we did not do that. I mean, it's not like we were deprived at all. You weren't like. You had clothes. Yeah, we had great clothes, but we were going to Value City.

But we got good stuff there. And we were going. They had designer stuff. You would sometimes let us go on a little spree before school. You never went to Marshalls to get designer stuff on the cheap? No.

Marshalls wasn't around where we were. It's TJ Maxx. Is that where you went shopping, Andrew? Oh, TJ Maxx. That's what it was, TJ Maxx. But your mom was like a big spender. Not on you guys? On herself.

Not so- No, no. She'd buy me a lot of, she'd buy me a shirt that was like collared with a zipper in the middle and I'd be like, who do you think I am?

Like, you don't even know me, mom. Because it was the zip up one. I remember she bought me and my brothers all a denim vest recently and we're like, who are, who do you know?

Did you wear them? Did you wear them? Like a funny photo? No, wear them? Did you wear them? For like a funny photo? No, I think I tried to sell them, actually. Oh, wow. My mom. Enterprise.

Probably would have. She saw it on Facebook Marketplace. She typed in couch. I typed in denim vest. Things that have been fucked on. That's another one of my searches, denim vest. Denim vest. It just comes right up.

I don't even have to type it in. Comes right up. Now, before school, every year we did a big shopping spree. It was the best. I loved it. Remember buying school supplies? That felt so good, too. That was fun.

The smell of an office max and the smell of new markers and that new binder. And you'd get a three ring because I was like, this is the year I'm going to be organized. And you would get the little dividers. You'd put the subjects and you'd write it on the white little slip of paper and then you'd slide it into that little tab. And you'd be all prepared with all your classes lined up. And then within day two, it's all gone to shit. I never once kept all my notes in a single notebook.

I never once kept all my notes in a single notebook or like for a class. I was never, I never was organized. My binders look like a hurricane hit them. Within three days, I had more paper that fit in them. I look like a defense attorney for like a man who, a mass shooter, where I'm just like in over my head every day. Yeah, they're all falling out of the bag. Remember the metal? The metal, for some reason,

and all my binders always ended up crooked. They never clicked together. Yes, because we'd slam it into our backpacks. We're the same person, and they would just get crunched, and then you'd have to bend them back. Yes. And then the paper would always rip

and get caught on them. Fuck that. But I loved a three-ring binder. The smell of that, like, whatever covered the... The plastic? Yeah, the plastic smell. Mmm! And I love the smell of a fresh book.

And I love playing pencil break. I like playing pencil break. I miss that. What's that? Oh, where you, like, flick the pencil and someone will hold the pencil? Oh, yeah. I mean, I feel bad for those pencils.

Oh, I love a freshly sharpened pencil and writing on it. The best feeling that goes, like, oh, to me, is when you sharpen a pencil perfectly not the kind where it's like half of it is like the lead and half is the other part the wood part don't you hate when your tip of a pencil is half wood do you know what i'm talking about where they get kind of like oh yeah bent in the sharpener and then you're writing and it's like and you're like what about when you don't have a sharpener what about you don't have a sharpener so you bite the pencil to get the to the lead but then you get the lead in your mouth oh no no no

okay let's move on my finger talks really from trying to throw a pencil out of a car and it stuck into my finger and i just never took it out and then i was like 10 years later i was like i have lead poisoning that's why i'm so fucked up and I just never took it out. And then I was like, 10 years later, I was like, I have lead poisoning. That's why I'm so fucked up. And then they're like, it's graphite. Remember, everyone's like, no, it's not lead. It's graphite. Yeah, we just call it lead.

It's like, don't lie to me. You have graphite poisoning. All right, let's go to final thought. Let's do some Phanthraxes. Oh, no. Yeah. All right, what do you guys have for us this week so I wanted to read a quick

comment from our YouTube page the Nikki Glaser podcast which you can go subscribe to right now to see all of this on video so as much as you're hearing Julie's voice you can also see her on there oh god don't look I love it So as much as you're hearing Julie's voice, you can also see her on there. Oh God, don't look.

I love that you think that you're ever positive about anything about yourself. I'm looking at myself right now. I don't know where you get it from, Nikki. I don't know where. Whenever anyone goes, Nikki, you're beautiful. It really hurts me to hear you talk about yourself like this. Listen to where I came from. Okay? I'm sorry. It's me I'm talking about it's you it's me it's my problem

it's my problem how's that song it's me hi i'm the problem it's me i'm the problem yeah all right okay so this is is from the singing sunflower. And the comment is about astronauts in space. Remember we talked about that? Oh yeah. That is all about perspective. And you can get that from just traveling to just seeing how other people live. Just moving away from your hometown gives you a lot of perspective. Have you ever compared your friends or relatives that have lived in their hometown,

their entire lives with those that have studied or worked someplace else or just moved it's all perspective and it's very good to get more of it how did that person get allowed to write a youtube comment when they are so cogent and clear and concise and sweet and smart that should have been blocked immediately on youtube was it all in caps and misspelled? Did you translate that from? I hate that person. How is there no hate speech in that? Was there like 11 exclamation marks at some point anywhere?

On weird links. Yeah. What? How? I have never heard something so articulate on YouTube. We have the best watchers, including listeners. Yeah, that's true. I mean, don't you agree, Mom?

Traveling makes you, what have you learned in your travels? Well, I mean, moving to St. Louis, I mean, traveling is just living. Moving from Cincinnati to St. Louis is just such a culture shock. Yeah, I learned about different chilies. Not at all.

Different what, Andrew? Chilies. The restaurant and the food. Oh my God. Yeah, a Chili's restaurant can vary state to state. Who knows what you're going to get with that Southwestern roll. Think about Hooters. Oh yeah.

And Hooters, yes. So many different kinds of tips. Always different. You've been to Hooters. Yeah, as a child. My mom took me to Hooters. We didn't know what it was. We were in Florida and I remember, it was probably one of my earliest

memories. How old do you think I was? You were probably eight or seven. Oh, really? Okay. Not my earliest memory, but I was we went, we were going to the outlet malls all day and we were so hungry at the end of it and my mom was like, we'll just go here and we went to this,

my mom thought it was like an owl themed restaurant. It was like a family restaurant. It was like Rainforest Cafe, but for like a distigued. No, no. And we go in and I remember knowing something was wrong. Like I remember clocking it and being like,

cause it would not stick in my memory otherwise, but there was something terrible. I remember all these men at the bar, we walked in, they were all on the left side. They all turned around and like, we didn't belong there. And then we get sat and there was not any kids menu at this time at Hooters. I think now there's a kids menu. And we were set. And I remember the woman coming up and she was very nice, but like kind of like worried.

Yeah. Like, are you guys okay? And I remember you must have have been when did you figure out well immediately when we after we sat down and the waitress came when ej was hard and i was like oh my god this is a gentleman's club or something yeah and i had no idea what i got ice cream at a strip club and you're like oh my god we? Oh my God. Why is that vagina out? Where's the soft serve? Your dad had a business trip. It was in Tennessee or something.

He was at another Hooters on the other side of town. It was Nashville or something. I thought it was Florida. Oh, maybe it was. Living in Florida, I grew up in Florida. We'd go to Hooters

with the dads like after games and it'd just be like four pubescent kids and four dads and the dads are like yeah good tit like it was like a like coming of age like the bar mitzvah for christian kids whereas my mom was like my mom and i were just staring in front of the mirror picking out parts of our body we hated and she

was like this is your coming of age this is how you become a woman and then the guys are like and here's how you become a man go judge judge those little bodies. Oh, you feel bad about not having breasts, Nikki? Well, let's go to Hooters. That was, I just, so I don't know how we got to that. That's so funny. I did that too. One more fanthrox, but thank you so much for that comment from the Sunflower King or whatever, whoever it was.

It was so nice. The singing sunflower. Yes. Okay, we have to go out with this one here's one from lottie hi andrew nicky and noah it's lottie from the uk um i had a quick note about poo so in one of your episodes you were talking about how if you move your pelvis back and forward oh yeah help get the poo going and stand up sit up straight as an eternally constipated person this has changed my life those last bits of poo so that you just can't squeeze out without it and then the second poo related thing is when you were talking

someone could feel the poo with their penis when they were having sex yes and i have to say that i'm actually at my most horny when i need to poo and i don't know if it's because it makes the canals thinner so it's more pressure i don't know i come really hard when i also need to poo and nikki as someone who likes anal i'm surprised you don't like it too because it kind of feels like that. But anyway. I kind of love this one. Oh yeah, because you feel like you're getting DP from the inside.

I'm going to sign off with some Cockney rhyming slang. Hopefully you know what it means. But it's Jack and Danny. It means fanny. Jack and Danny means fanny? Lottie, your voice is amazing. First off, I don't know where you got to go. I'm going to make this fast.

I'm so glad this solution helped you, Mom. This is the consummation solution. You sit up straight, and then you rock back and forth, like right with the angle at your pelvis. And you rock back and forth. And if you have a little bit of poo in there, it will squeeze it out. And it really does work.

Whenever that last bit where you're like, oh, God, and you can't push anymore, it really helps it go out and then um also i do think that i would get turned on if i had full bowels during sex but i usually don't because i want to not i want to use that space and so i'm usually like i hope he doesn't try to go up there so it just causes anxiety more than like oh this will feel really great and i bet you a full colon or like a slightly full colon when you have sex feels really good because i recently heard that anal actually feels good to women because there is a pressure point there that accesses the g-spot almost better sometimes on certain women than um your vaginal canal so i bet you your full poo your poo is pressing on that part

and that is why you're getting more turned on it's not because you're just like a dirty shit whore you know like there's a reason why like some people think that women that like anal are just like disgusting and it's like no it actually feels good we're not we have different bodies than maybe people that don't enjoy it as much and also if someone's saying you're disgusting just tell them with a british accent and if it sounds fantastic oh my god that's such a good like she could have said anything she she could have been like oh we killed everyone in kenya and calling it they're all bleeding right now and we'd be like wow that's so fucking cute i'd be like i support it coney 2026 remember that okay we gotta go thank you guys so much for listening thanks for everyone coming in austin we had a lot of besties last night it means a lot and i really

do appreciate it it was awesome yeah i went on the live and someone said they had just gone to it and had a lot of fun yeah it was a lot of fun thank you oh that's great it means a lot anyhow um thank you to besties for all your support. You guys are the freaking best. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Don't be care. And, Mom, do you know any famous people with a... Jack? Any famous people with a last...

The first name is Jack? Jack? No. Okay. Jack? No. Jack? No.

Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

You don't need another podcast. You've got too many already. But if you're looking for one that actually changes something, a way to take control of the chaos and find meaning, well, then maybe the one you feed is for you. I'm Eric Zimmer, and I bring real conversations with real people to help you feed the best part of yourself. No hype, no fluff, just wisdom that works. Listen to the one you feed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite

hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. As we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. Tune in and join in the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Historically, men talk too much. And women have quietly listened. And all that stops here. If you like witty women, then this is your tribe. Listen to the Good Moms, Bad Choices podcast every Wednesday

on the Black Effect podcast network, the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you go to find your podcast. I'm Tomer Cohen, LinkedIn's Chief Product Officer. If you're just as curious as I am about the way things are built, then tune in to my podcast, Building One. I speak with some of the best product builders out there. I've always been inspired by frustration.

It came back to my own personal pinpoint. So we had to go out to farmers and convince them. Following that curiosity is a superpower. You have to be obsessed with the human condition. Listen to Building One on the iHeartRadio app, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts.