The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #30 Opposite of Natural

Episode Date: May 12, 2021

Between you and Nikki it's hard to tell the difference between boundaries and expectations. Andrew slept just fine but he's limping after a HIIT class that Nikki will never go to. You Heard it Here First, Nikki and Andrew discuss divorce and getting back with an ex. Nikki shares her Reddit Dump that leads to a Final Thought about allowing each other to breathe and "letting it in". Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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People, my people, what's up? This is Questlove. Man, I cannot believe we're already wrapping up another season of Questlove Supreme. Man, we've got some amazing guests lined up to close out the season. But, you know, I don't want any of you guys to miss all the incredible conversations we've had so far. I mean, we talked to A. Marie, Johnny Marr, E., Jonathan Schechter, Billy Porter, and so many more. Look, if you haven't heard these episodes yet, hey, now's your chance. You've got to check them out.

Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. Tune in and join the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions

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You have to be obsessed with the human condition. Listen to Building One on the iHeartRadio app, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hello. Good morning. I think it's the first time i've talked today it's it feels early but i'm ready to start this day damn it god i've got a full schedule today and then it clears out no it's full the whole day who cares who cares i can do it I can do anything no I can't I might uh I might cry today in terms of like I can't get it all done no one's helping me I'm have I'm on the brink of one of those Noah

which is just not true everyone's helping me I literally have an assistant living with me who's doing everything like it's just it's just one of those days where you open the trash and you see a bunch of cans in the trash and you go we have recycling in this I'm making oatmeal and I'm like waiting for it to heat up and I see the cans in the trash and I'm like who's gonna take out this trash and I'm just like not gonna be me I'm paying for this place I don't want to clean this kitchen I don't want to do any like I'm having those kind of thoughts which are like you know not fair just because I'm I should still take out the trash and like do stuff like that and but I just it's like those like those things that I can just let go where I open the trash and there's eight cans which whoever did that didn't know that we had

recycling but who doesn't have recycling that is such a pet peeve of mine. It's one of my biggest pet peeves. When people put glass or aluminum cans in the trash. Yes. It's, it, it just takes up so much trash and it's so, it's so lazy. It's like, and I'm talking softly because someone who did it is somewhere in this house asleep. It was either Andrew, it is somewhere in this house asleep it was either andrew it was emil i think it was emil because he cleaned up cans last night because he was being a nice guest but i'm like emil you're 23 like you should know better about recycling and saving the earth like isn't this what you all care about more than we do people who are decades or more younger than us but no cans in

the trash cans in the trash cans in the trash um yeah pet peeves like it's like when i'm in a bad mood little things like that can take me off in a way that is just i need i need to calm down as taylor swift would say because it's not that big of a deal it's just like we can just take the cans out and put them somewhere else and then go. Hey guys The recycling's over here, but the thing is the recycling's full already and that's not why the cans didn't go in I put the cans in the recycling and now the recycling's full and now i'm just waiting because

I don't want my assistant to do it because that's not her job to technically take off the trash I want andrew or Emile to do it. But I don't want to have to ask them. Because then they'll go, where does it go? And I'll go, you figure it out. Like, I don't know this house any more than you do. It's a thing that can happen. First of all, I'm already having arguments with two people that didn't say either of this.

What is happening this is helping me work through things this is like therapy honestly I was talking about this yesterday I know that I everyone's like Nikki you need an assistant because I keep saying that like the for when I get married or something I want either like I want a husband that like can do this shit or I need a live-in maid because I I work too hard to clean and I know that everyone's like listening is like so do I and I know you do I don't want to take out the trash on a day where I literally have six different over hour long things in which I have to be very on and like and I don't want to be a completely lacy piece

of shit that doesn't do anything myself but like I I'm just feeling a lot of resentments today and for no reason I'm the one that offered to pay for everything so no one I didn't say it as like this is contingent on you taking care of me everyone I'm up. So why do I do this to myself? I know this is relatable because I see it happen in every person's relationship that I know that lives with people that like cleaning becomes a thing. And it's like, I don't want, I don't want to do it. But when you're, I'm doing this thing that like, I always got mad when my dad would be like, I, my dad never held that over my mom that he was the sole breadwinner of our family. Like my mom didn't make any money when we were growing up. Now she like has side gigs and stuff, but like,

he never was like, I work all day. I want it vacuumed. Like she just did it. And he never, you know, held it over her head. And I really respected that. I, I feel like there's some kind of unspoken rule when I'm paying for everything and paying for lunch and dinner and these like amazing dinners that I don't care that I'm paying for them. I like that my friends are eating good food with me at good places, but like maybe there's like you would, but that's not, it's not a part of the deal so if i want it done i have to make it a part of the deal i have to sit down and go listen i do all this and i expect this and this and this because of that and that's my problem so resentments lifted not

really still mad look at as as setting boundaries right yes not expectations but boundaries i need to be better with those you know everyone needs to be better with boundaries but like i'm just trying to be good about acknowledging my frustrations like and not flipping out and being like, and going off the handle about whatever it is. Actually, both these guys, there's, it's nothing. If I need a thank you for everything I do, then why am I doing it? I'm not, I'm really not doing it for that. I'm doing it because I want to eat good food with my friends

and I want them to have good food too. And I can afford it. So it's good. And I want to stay in a nice place. And I want my friends here to hang out with me in between like the five seconds I have in between zoom calls with Jimmy Fallon's producers or whatever it is. That's why they're here. They're not here to, you know, me having them like me being able to boss them around. But like today, uh, we were talking about Andrew was going through, we were eating oatmeal out in the pied-a-terre that I have here. We are going through,

Andrew was like playing me voicemails of people cause he's obsessed. So all of you guys that are leaving voicemails, Andrew is hearing all of them. He can't stop. And I go, by the way, you know, and he keeps telling me things that mispronounced, like someone mispronounced the word, um, God, what was it? It was good. Fatigu. Someone was reading the word fatigue in a class and the guy said, Fatigu. And we were laughing and I was like, that's so good. And he's like, I go, but you understand we have a segment for that, right?

Like we have listener mail that's coming up. And he was like yeah but like can we like maybe talk about it and I go talk to Noah about it like I don't want like you know I'm down for anything like that's your job to go talk to like just why do I have to do everything do you know what I'm saying but I guess him running it by me is a nice idea but like just so you know there's a heads up Noahah that andrew might be coming to you about having some way that we can read all the cuz that we've gotten because we usually do collection of cuz we have a lot of cuz backed up we have a lot of andrew says we have a

lot of pictures which might be harder to describe so maybe we should post them on our instagram i'm just like i can't i don't know what to tell you right now andrew just talk to noah and he's always chomping at the bit to tell me so many things my point is noah yes please it sounds like you appreciate when people take initiative from what i'm collecting in here when they just do it without asking and i don't have to give them a pass to do it but then sometimes they do it and they put the recycling in the trash do you know what I mean like sometimes they do they take it upon themselves to clean up the cans and then I have to take the cans out of the dirty recycling and they're like dripping and gross and carry them to the recycling which is full and that's where I fucking lose my mind but But again, it's about communicating.

It's not about whispering on a podcast. With Andrew like right down the hall. Andrew is literally in the next room. Emile's upstairs sleeping. And it's just like, this is, let me just say it has been really fun having a house with my friends. And this is way better of a stay in another place

than being in a hotel way better this is the ideal life is to live in a house with my friends it's like real world um except the hot tub is across the parking lot it next to the guest house where the owner of this house is staying he's role his name is roland he's like a 70 something year old man i'm guessing he looks great for his age he's like kind of hot it's very confusing that this old man is hot and he points at everything with a flashlight even when it's light outside and the hot tub it closes at 10 and it is the temperature of a cup of tea that has been left out for three hours it's like it's not but anyway that it is the best experience staying here with friends and let's get one of those friends in here it's andrew collin thanks for letting me vent before he gets here i don't think i'll ever hear this john stewart is back at the Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast.

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A story told in 12 steps. Listen to Crumbs as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network. Available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour, like LPGA superstar Angel Yen. I really just sat myself down at the end of 2022 and I was like, look, either we make it or we quit.

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the insights behind what it takes to create a world-renowned product, then tune in to my podcast, Building One. There's so much to learn, like how Patagonia innovates with its supply chain. We had to go out to farmers and convince them it was really damn hard. Or the way Adobe thinks about the first interaction somebody has with Photoshop. I was always so fascinated by how people navigate and find their way. Ever wanted to know how Nike builds emotion into the Jordan brand? You have to be obsessed with the current state of the human condition.

And it doesn't stop there. What about how Gleam reinvented knowledge search with AI? You can learn about how a Michelin star chef is redesigning seeds for flavor and how Pixar is nurturing a creative culture. Listen to Building One on the iHeartRadio app, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, Andrew. Good morning, Nikki. What's up, limpy magoo? You limped over here. What'd you do? You know, when you limp, sometimes I feel like when people limp,

they just want attention. You're like over limping. You're not actually in pain. I never would think that for you. Yeah, because I don't... I mean, you do a lot of things for attention, but I don't think a limp is one of them. I think a little limp is the last kind of attention you want because you want to seem young and like spry and fit. Stop telling the truth.

I mean, that's true. A limp is the last thing you would be showing off. Yeah. It's like, you know. Well, yeah, I tore my hammy the other day. I was running to impress the girl. Did we talk about it on here? I don't think so.

Oh, so I. Yeah, impress the girl. Did we talk about it on here? I don't think so. Oh, so I... Yeah, Noah says no. You know, I'm dating this younger girl who's 25, turning 26 soon. So we're closer in age than people should not give me shit for. Someone said she looks like my daughter when I put a video up. I mean, she could be. Let's see. Wait a second.

How old? What's his age difference? I'm 41. She's almost 26. Don't make me do the math. 15. 15 years. Okay, so you definitely could have had a teen mom or 15-year-old boys all the time. 26 don't make me do the math 15 years okay so you definitely

could have had a teen teen mom or 15 year old boys all the time i don't know if i was coming i was probably coming yeah you definitely could have come and impregnated someone do you remember your first pube no i don't no i know you were out in the uh in the field in the front yard like in the sun trying to see your pubes because pubes to men meant more than pubes to women. For me, I was like, no, this means I'm like,

but boys are going to like me. I want to stick their penis in me. I was terrified of being sexual, sexually attractive. All I wanted was one pube. I literally would. I, there was,

cause what would happen is an eighth grade, like Jeff, there you go. Thank you. I just plucked one for you. I just kidding. I don't have any. I'm just kidding. I There you go. Thank you. I just plucked one for you. I just ate it. Just kidding. I don't have any. I'm just kidding.

I'm ready to go. We did it. And high five. High pubes. High pubes. So, yeah. And I just want, because there was always that, remember that kid that would go away for summer in eighth grade and then come back?

He would be a foot taller because he went through puberty. He had a little bit of a mustache. He drove like a four-wheeler now to school. He had a switch had a switchblade like he was so cool yes and every kid wanted to be him and all the girls liked him because he was the only one with fucking pubes and probably somewhat of a thicker cock yeah so i wanted to be that guy so i was in the in the grass i was in the grass looking in the i got the highest amount of sunlight and i was looking for my pubes and i you did you got a magnifying glass and we're like singeing it you're like the brightest light you could find it was like

burnt a hole in your yeah i burnt the one so i i'm looking and i'm like hoping it like uh like like harvests like you know like a farmer wishes like you need to get it light on it so that it can grow so i spit on it to get some water get some water and some fertilizer and some of my own shit. Yeah, you rubbed Miracle-Gro all over it. I look up and my mom is watching all of this. What did you say? She's like, I think I saw five. No, she didn't know that you were looking for pubes.

Why would she? A mother looking at her. Like, I would just think my son was trying to look at his penis in the daylight. I wouldn't be like, he's looking for pubes. She probably, because I didn't pull down my pants all the way to my dick, maybe she. Or she thought maybe, I would think that maybe he had ingrown hair that he's trying to get better light on. No one would think someone's looking for pubes. That is just a very you thing.

You were always like, my mom knew I was looking for pubes. No mother would jump to that conclusion. I think if your guy, you listen to this podcast we were looking for you were looking to however you could find a pube wait a second oh so my thigh yeah so anyways back to that i i was trying to impress the girl and there was a i do a class it's similar to crossfit it's called 314 hit in st louis it's great it's interval training and yeah it's great you guys he just only ripped his fucking hamstring no pain no gain and he can't go back there's only six people in this class i'm sure this this guy knows what he's doing but these classes where you go from doing a ton of

squats and like you damn like you definitely exhaust your legs and at the end of the class you're supposed to run as fast as you can you get yourself up to a 13.4 on one of these treadmills that are self-propelling like not the ones that you push they're like true runner they're called yeah so the ones that you like run with your legs he gets up to 13.4 miles per hour on a like sprint at the end of this class that's already exhausted you these classes like are setting you up for injury and then they put your name and speed on the board okay so we realized last night the reason andrew it wasn't so that he could impress the girl so much part of it i'm sure but the fact that there's a competition in these classes and he's trying to beat this guy that ran 15.1 is that right yeah you're not gonna ever get

up to 15 i'm not gonna get to 15 one i think I could have got to, I think. No, you said the other day 13.4 is the fastest you will ever run again because of this injury. That was we're going to take you out back and shoot you now because that was what it felt like. That was the best that Seabiscuit ever did. That was your final moment of athletic.

You know, now when I see a biscuit, I'm going to eat it and stop running. Yeah, I'll tell you that. Seab dude stop running i get and then it feels like i get shot and and uh i'm on the floor i go on and and she just got the second vaccine so i was like you know be easy on her you know i'm trying to be a you said that to the teacher yeah to the teacher and then next thing you know i'm on the floor like about to cry rolling around like i couldn't straighten my leg or bend my leg i don't know if you've ever torn your hamstring but and then the teacher was like oh come on it's fine like he because he doesn't want to look like he hurt me yeah he's trying to he doesn't want a lawsuit yeah even though he's

giving you these classes for free hey what did you ever give him anything in return i asked i asked and uh i asked if he wanted money and he said no but i do right i honestly like i know we're talking a lot where you are but hit 314 or 314 hit it's high interval uh high interval high intensity interval training i really do i love them so i will go right back hamstrings in incurable tension that's what hit stands for hamstrings uh why don't you come to a class with me incurable trauma is what h-i-i-t stands for no i don't care i don't like these classes you listen up everyone out there who does spinning classes where you burn 800 calories these boot camp classes you're i'm sorry i'll never do them again i will do them for fun just as like a fun one-off challenge i will never be someone who goes to these classes three four five

six seven eight nine ten times a week i know you're out there people addicted to exercise you're addicted to exercise you only exercise so you can eat i've been there before i'm not getting on that fucking hamster wheel again where it's like hamstring wheel the hamstring wheel i'm not getting on it where i burn you're not supposed to burn 800 calories in one session the only reason these classes are invented is because americans are gluttonous and we consume 800 calories in one setting get your food addiction issues under control and you can go on leisurely walks for exercise. Or you can do exercise that actually you want to do. I understand if some people like spinning classes.

And they like to scream and go to the music. And it feels good. Doing that seven days a week, you're addicted to it. And it's not in a good way. And you're going to get an injury, much like Andrew. Or it's going to be a stress injury that's going to happen over time. And if you don't, you're Kelly Ripa. And you're going kelly ripa your hamstring hamstring uh it's just like i just see these classes i tell andrew all the time

and i'm not judging because this is coming from a place and i know i talk a lot about eating disorders and stuff but i think this is this is just an acceptable form of an eating disorder of these classes that i don't want to shut down these businesses i want these people to and they never will get shut down because the diet and exercise industry is a scam that you're taught. You need to go to a spinning class. And like, I'm, I just have to say, you can be the weight you want to be and not go to a spin class every day. So how many days a week do you think you should go to a class? I go, I go for a run once a week or whenever I feel like, and sometimes that's four days a week because I need to let out like tension but it's never because i'm like oh my ass is

jiggly or it's because i don't i feel weak you know like i feel i want to feel stronger and so it's like okay i want to build up my muscle and it's it literally is that feeling it's not me going i feel weak because i know i haven't worked out for four days it's me because i'm like i my body feels weak it's not based on the last time I worked out, which if anyone is not lying to themselves about exercising, most, most of your motivation is because I have to, I said I was going to do this four days a week. I must do it. It's good to have a plan, but the reason we all need to take these classes is because we eat too much. And the reason we eat too much is because food is the cheapest drug and it makes you feel really good and it's not regulated. So if you get your drug habit under control, which I'm trying to do with food and have

been able to do, I used to work, I used to run four miles a day every single day. And if I skipped a day, I would feel so bad about myself. And then I would skip two days because I'd be like, you know what? Let's just fuck it. I don't even care. Then I would skip three. Then I would not run for months because I didn't run for five days in a row. If I ran now

i just wouldn't be as good as i was last time so i'm not gonna run then you get into a habit of not running and then you get disgusting again or you feel disgusting again because your body gets out of shape whereas now i'm not perfect but i don't feel guilt about not working out ever ever now ever it's a miracle like three days a week i know you don't need to do any just do it when you want to no but i think a routine is not bad for your brain and i think after you do the workout you're more calm you're more relaxed you feel more confident because you feel better naked you don't have to sleep with a t-shirt on you know but you can look good naked without doing spin classes i look great naked and i run once a week and I eat everything

I want to eat. I do not deprive myself ever of any food and I thought it couldn't be a thing that could happen. Well, you deprive yourself of carbs,

of like lasagna. I don't want lasagna. Instead, I want a jackfruit salad that has beans and flavor and lots of queso, like vegan queso.

Like, I eat... I'm just saying people would say that i'm not depriving myself though but they would say based off they can eat lasagna don't eat all the lasagna eat one serving that's you know 500 calories don't eat six servings because you did a workout class early in the morning that makes you think oh i can have another because i did that spinning class when really it's going to make you have four servings because you had that spinning class because you're starving because you probably didn't eat breakfast before yes yes

and then you're going to eat four servings and then you're going to feel so bad that you're going to have to do it again tomorrow and the cycle continues i know that i'm speaking to literally at least 60 of people listening know exactly what i'm talking about probably more it's funny this girl is in the class and she goes out she's gone every day for like 40 days in a row because she's getting I feel so sad for her she's getting married I feel so sad for anyone

losing weight to get married I just love like how like a woman will get or guys get in shape for marriage too but then the next time they get in really good shape

is they're probably gonna leave you like yes you get in good shape to get married that's so true the next time she does

a 40 and 40 you should watch out Rick she ain't doing it for you Jeff no no no she's doing it for the guy at work she does a 40 and 40, you should watch out, Rick. She ain't doing it for you, Jeff. No, no, no. She's doing it for the guy at work she has a crush on who, in my opinion, she should just be honest about. And then we don't have to go to 40 classes. God, I could keep talking about this forever.

Let's get to the news. You heard it here first. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. Oh, boy. the news you heard it here first yeah you heard it here first oh boy i hope everyone is having fun out there having all the swells we sure are up here in this spanish villa i'll tell you that uh cool all right so first you want me to say something what's that did you want me to say no no no no i was doing you were gonna do it on purpose okay so you were doing it like it was kind of like a, you were like,

okay, cool. Like you didn't get a response. That's like a standup thing of like, how are you guys feeling tonight? All right, well, you're not going to give me anything, but there was no one to give you anything unless you want me to give you something

in those moments. No, there, I was hoping the audience at home was going to, is in their car going, no, we're not giving. Okay, so you're just preparing for how they received that on their end.

Yeah. You're just, okay. I'm talking straight to the audience, straight to the listener, straight to the Kia, you know. A Kia? A person in a Kia. Oh, I thought you knew. Kia makes a great car, by the way. Oh, my God.

We drove one in the Caymans, and I miss it so much. I miss driving on the other side of the road. I'll tell you that. I miss doing that. You could do that here. Listen, I have a couple times. I'm not going to lie. Getting back to St louis and driving i

really did do that because for me when i was in the cayman islands in my car no no not really but like the thing is is like when you get when you go to the cayman islands and you or ireland or the uk and you're driving on the other side of the road and you're an american that's trying to adjust over a two-month period that you're living there you just convince yourself that everything i because you get it wrong so many times you get into the passenger seat. So many times when you're trying to get into the driver's seat or whatever it is that you, in my mind, I go, okay, every, just convince yourself it's easier. It's easier to remember just the opposite of what is natural than getting on what side to get on. So whatever feels natural,

do the opposite of that. That's what I do, like what I did in the Caymans. So if I wanted to look left to see oncoming traffic, I would just look right and know that that was right. But then all of a sudden that becomes the normal and then I start doing the opposite of the normal because I'm still on this. Does that make sense? Yes, yes.

So I'm still just going opposite instead of left side of the road. I just go opposite, but now left side of the road is normal. So then I go right side of the road because it's opposite so i'm all fucked up it reminds me of when you like make these like ways to remember things and for me it's like a thousand times harder you memorize more things to memorize one thing right but for me my brain just goes nikki every time you uh get into the car it's embarrassing because and you open the door and andrew's already in the driver's seat driving

when you think you're getting in the passenger seat. So to avoid this, just do the opposite of what you want. It's like the George Costanza. Oh, yeah. When he does the opposite

of everything and he realizes it works, he walks up to a hot girl at a counter and he's like, I'm, you know, hour 38, I'm unemployed,

I'm bald and I live with my parents. And she goes, take a seat. She's like, and he looks back at Jerry like, it's working, Jerry. It's working. It's just the opposite works. My buddy does that with gambling where he'll like any, he'll do the opposite of whatever the population does. He'll just pick against it because they're generally wrong.

Yeah. You know? First story. Women are more likely to file divorce than men. Are you ready for... What do you think the percentage of women to men is of filing for divorce? Because this blew my mind at five in the morning when I read it. I mean, I'm guessing because you're presenting it that way way I'm guessing it's like seven seventy percent

eighty percent of women women file more than men what is that I bet it's because do they know why yeah we wrote down

I bet it's because women men are too big of pussies that's one of them to like actually take the initiative they're too scared of you know

they could be too lazy to meet a lawyer stuff like that well usually men aren't they have more to lose men have more to lose in a divorce than a woman usually because money money interesting this is bringing me back to what i was talking about before i want to get married i've been talking about a lot like i would i i was even talking about this guy that i was into recently i was like i just want to date and then i want to get married for two years and my everyone's laughing and like two years i'm like yeah that's a good I just want a date, and then I want to get married for two years. And everyone's laughing. And like, two years. I'm like, yeah, that's a good marriage.

It's a good starter marriage. We'll probably last longer than that. But a two-year marriage is what I'm down for with a fucking prenup. You know? And I would have it very. But if it's two years, why even get married? Why even bring the government involved? Because I want to try to make it last forever.

But my goal is to be married for two years. So then if it goes three years, you're happy? Yeah. I want to go married for two years. So is that, so then if it goes three years, you're happy? Yeah. I want to go as long as possible, but like, I don't expect to be, I don't expect marriage to work because most of the time it doesn't. So it's not,

it's actually, I don't approach marriage. Like I want to be with you for the rest of my life. Please. Anyone's saying I want to be with you for the rest of your life. You know, there's an out. There's an,

it's not really a huge commitment. The out is filing for divorce and it's a pain in the ass and there's kids involved and houses and stuff to divide up but honestly i don't really like think you're doing that amazing of a thing to be like i want to spend the rest of my life with this woman you can literally duck out at any point divorce whenever my friends are like i hate my husband or uh you know like my marriage we're not even having sex and i go thank god there's divorce i just like remind them like this isn't like you didn't put a bullet in your

head like there's an out divorce is not like unless both parties are like all right sweet it's never easy like my parents divorce lasted like 10 years i get it i get that it cost a ton then that's what i'm saying to people getting married make it easy because you no one thinks they're gonna get divorced no one i mean some people know deep down oh so like if you if you decide to get divorced just be like even before you get married get a prenup yeah what if the guy didn't want for the divorce because it gonna happen people change what if you didn't want to sign a prenup would you marry him no no i'm keeping my money and like that's ridiculous. No, I wouldn't.

Because anyone that I would marry, I don't care how much we love each other. People sometimes hit their head on an amp at an Iron Maiden show or like a Green October show, whatever the fuck you went to, Noah. Sometimes an amp falls off, they hit their head, and then they turn into a psycho. The things that happen with your brain,

sometimes you could go swimming in a pond and catch a bacteria that would make someone start like, you know, punching your kids. You know, things can happen based on that. You cannot plan for that can change a person's personality or you might meet.

I might, I'm sorry. I reserve the right to meet someone that is, if my husband, if I get married, my husband is not really fucking me anymore, not into me physically, which could happen based on the fact that I'm not going to these spin classes

every day and I'm eating normal meals. What if I balloon up and he's not attracted to me? He's totally has a right to do that. Or maybe I get some kind of skin disease that he's like repulsed by because he has like a, a weird, like, you know, like there could be things that happen out of my control that make my husband not want to fuck me.

I want to be in a relationship where I get fucked. If that happens, like I want out and I think he should get out. And also if I, if my husband isn't meeting my needs or it becomes, you know, has a, a, a bipolar slip where I don't recognize him anymore, or here's the thing, has a bipolar slip where I don't recognize him anymore. Or here's the thing. Here's the one I was really getting at. If I meet someone else that's better than my husband, bye. If I am, I'm sorry.

Yeah, but that's so hard for your husband to live with knowing that. Future husband, if you're listening, that's why you, but the thing is, when I feel loved in a relationship, even a little bit I don't have eyes for anyone else. So if I develop eyes for someone else, it's because you aren't Fulfilling your end of the bargain and I extend the same thing to you

If you find if you get a crush on someone else You let me know because that's going to let me know that i'm not pulling my weight as a woman in the really as a wife in the relationship and that i either need to straighten up and fly right or we're broken and we need to go to counseling or we need to just call it quits what about before instead of as well as a prenup people have to sign something that they're not going to let themselves go physically no no you can't you can't predict that because physical injury like you can get guys like i will never go bald and you can get some kind of like you know I will love a guy if he gets like I think I could love a guy

that could become a totally not recognizable version of himself like I want to get old with someone and like see their saggy body like it's not about that at all it's about feeling emotionally loved like when you grow with someone you get real old like do you see them when

they're younger do you see them as their actual i think you see them as they are but you know what i will say no i was like the last person i was like really falling for the person i fell in love with before i like admitted myself i was like in love i was i think early on when i first met this person i was like on their instagram and i saw this like they put their face in the old age app do you remember that app unfortunately everyone look like yeah women didn't put their face in it because it was if you saw that image it'd be like bird box you would just walk in front of a fucking train immediately if you saw what you would look like in 50 years but men he posted his on his instagram and i at first when i before i knew him and was

in love with him i was just like i don't want to see that no i don't want to see like this old like he looked fucking old and not like he looks like an old man the app wasn't even on it was just a filterless photo it was just bad lighting but then when i was in love with him i went back and i looked at that photo and i was like zooming in on it being like i want to fucking wipe this guy when he looks like this and he's in a bed like i want to like i love this old man like i was turned on by this and that's what love can do like that's i understand love now it's like initially when i looked at this guy and i was just like i think he's cute i was just like i don't want to see that i don't want to see him old like i looked at this guy and I was just like, I think he's cute. I was just like, I don't want to see that. I don't want to see him old. Like I don't need to.

And it was like repulsive this other time. I was literally zooming in on an age spot being like, I want to kiss that like disgusting age spot on his, you know, wrinkly flabby chin. It's like, and that's because of that. I feel safe knowing that I,

I, for, for the first time in my life. And like, I don't, when I, I, the other day I saw some really bad pictures of myself that I, I, for, for the first time in my life, I'm like, I don't, when I, the other day I saw some really bad pictures of myself that I was like, wow, I look a lot older than I thought I was, you know, just one of those, which I'm not saying I look old, but it was just bad lighting. And it just showed my age in a way that I haven't seen in a while, which happens.

I'm an aging woman. It's not a bad thing, but I saw the truth and I was so sad for a second. And then I was like, it doesn't matter because the person out there that's gonna love me doesn't will never look at that picture and be like ew she's disgusting and if they do like they'll I just know now that love that I don't need to have good looks to so you're gonna be married for two years but you're gonna die old with someone I mean then I'm gonna have a bunch of birds and hang out with all my girlfriends in a uh if the bird goes you're going to die old with someone. I mean, then I'm going to have a bunch of birds and hang out with all my girlfriends. What if the bird goes, you're old. You're old, lady.

Well, do you think that you could love someone who gets wrinkly and old? Have you felt that kind of love where you're like, I want to grow old with them, like the wedding singer song? I do think the older I get, the more I appreciate women for their flaws as well as looking great. I do like, you know,

and by flaws, I mean one armpit hair. Um, no, but like, no, but like, I honestly do.

Like I do think I'm maturing. You take her out in the sunlight. You go, let me see your armpit hairs. And then your mom goes, Andrew, what do you want? That's four of them.

No, I told you my pussy palette is getting more mature. My, my, he told me this yesterday. My skin palette, my scene of face, told me this yesterday. My skin palette. Yes, on the show. My scene of face, like age spots.

All my palettes will mature. Yeah, ankle hair. You used to be like, if you saw a bunch of hairs on a girl's ankle, you used to be like, ugh. But that's early on. Once you really love someone, you're like, you can open up the flaw. Yeah. It's like black hair on a girl that you like, you don't get turned off by.

I'm like, I'm not going to fuck you because you're a tarantula. I'm going to fuck you because you're a tarantula i'm gonna fuck you because you are a tarantula right i just i didn't know i've oh i felt that way with my ex-boyfriend where i like loved when he didn't look the greatest like i still loved him it was like i don't care if you're 20 pounds overweight and he felt the same way about me but i just really know now that like i don't need my looks to survive. Like I feel like my career is good enough. Like I can, I can put on enough makeup to look serviceable. It feels freeing. I mean,

all of this is connected to the workout classes, the not overeating, all of this accepting my body. And like their days, I am a skinny woman. I'm not saying, because there are probably some fat people listening. And I do say that in just the term that fat acceptance movement is like,

people like to be called fat. Like they like yeah I'm fat so they're probably fat people listening being like easy for you to say because I'm trying my best and because I could this is the way my body wants to be like this is the way my body is meant to be I get my period everything is working in order and I'm lucky for me that the the way my body is is the way that the industry rewards of like a lanky lady. So, but I know that as I get older, I see, yesterday I was looking at it. Sorry, no, I'm gonna get to the next story. But yesterday, and I know women relate to this.

I was looking at a picture of, God, who was it that used to be the, if you ever look at like the tiniest, oh, Stevie Nicks, okay? I've been watching that Stevie Nicks video that you all watched. She's probably a size 12, 14 as a 50 something year old woman

when she sang Silver Springs in 1997, which that's the way her body probably should be, right? But in 19th, there's a picture of her in 1982. She is a size negative 18 zeros. Abercrombie zero zero wouldn't have fit this woman in the 70s and i look at that and i go nikki whatever weight you are at 36 like you are not going to stay this way like it's not it's you're not going to be a kelly ripa because i'm not going to do those workout classes i'm not going to starve myself the rest of my life

to maintain a body of a 28 year old when i'm 57 i'm not gonna be JLo yeah but what do you say to people that that's okay there are 60 year old men there's 70 year old that are like an amazing shape that are actually in better shape than when they were 45 there are those people that are naturally like more muscular people my dad is one of those people people think my dad works out all the time he does like you know 20 push-ups a day that's not the same as going to an 800 calorie spinning class every day i'm just saying that i think like stevie nicks if i'm not saying that you should like only work on like your uh whatever your body should be but like i think like the idea of like oh i'm just gonna be out of shape because i'm older you don't you don't be out of shape but you gotta as a woman when you

stop when you stop being uh when you get older, you get a flat, long ass. You get a fupa that's like your middle school teacher's big belly that looks like she's pregnant. You get that. You get saggy hips. Your arm skin starts to sag. These are unavoidable. And bring them on. I honestly, I think I will, for the first time in my life, I'll be okay when I start really decaying as a, as a body. Should we read the really quick?

And I could, I could get some autoimmune disease that makes me gain a hundred pounds over the next six months. And although I don't want that, if I got that, cause there are people out there with that right now that are listening that are like, there's nothing can do i have a what's it called a thyroid condition that makes me fat you even there's i could be happy being fat if that's what my body wanted to be yeah and people like find that very attractive very hard for me because i'm not pretending it's not because society treats fat people so differently and that would be hard for me but i am getting better about like aging and like I was talking to Emil about it because Emil's 23 and we were talking about um like hotness and he was like but

the thing is Nikki he was like he made the point he was like women you should only compare yourself to like other women your age like if you're hot for your age and I go no that's not what women are told he goes I look at women like oh she's for her age. I don't compare like a hot 40-year-old to a hot 20-year-old. And I go, we do. Women do. Women are constantly looking at 20-year-olds being like, I need to look at that.

When I liked the way that Emil looked at it, I didn't know people even looked at it that way. Yeah, I agree with Emil. Guys break it up in category like that. That's why there's, you know, milfs and then- But okay, so if i'm a hot 40 year old okay i'm sorry to get off we gotta go if you're a hot 40 year old you're decent 22 23 so you're a guy let's pretend we don't know each other you're a guy that's 30 under your 41

right and i'm a 43 year old woman who is probably an eight for a 43, like top of the game 40, let's say nine, like pretty hot for a 43 year old woman. And then there is a 20 year old woman or a 25 year old woman who is an eight for a 25 year old. You're gonna go for the 25 year old. Why as me, that's where I think your thing breaks down because no one's gonna go,

I'm actually gonna go for the, is this where personality comes in? I think men are always gonna choose younger. Well, I think you answered what I was gonna to say are you talking to the person are you having conversation the 25 year old doesn't know how to talk yet she talks in tiktoks that's kind of hot little dances this is me being just like an out of touch old millennial yeah no i mean i i you know she talks like this the tiktok voice that everyone. What if all little, like, Gen Xs talked like this? I am so tired of this voice on TikToks.

And what's the 40-year-old voice sound like? Oh, well, hey, boys, gather around and look at my puke. It sounds like your mom. And every impression Andrew does, whether it's his nephews. Do your nephews. Hey, I'm over here. Do your dad. Hey, I'm over here.

No, your dad is not that. Your dad is, ah, it's the same voice. Hey, Drew, Drew, Drew. And then do your momhews hey i'm over here do your dad hey i'm over here no your dad is not that your dad is ah it's the same voice hey drew drew and then do your mom drew i am i'm so tired it's all the same person i swear to god they're all your nephews they're all fun you changed it okay next story do we want to say the divorce like real quick like all six six of them? Okay. They want satisfying careers and marriages. They become frustrated with men who resist change as they marry men for their potential. They're unwilling to accept unhappy relationships. Men believe that they have more to lose than women in a divorce. Women are quicker to consult a lawyer and women are more observant of red flags and

relationships with men. I had a friend yesterday who I haven't seen in a while and i found out she got divorced and i wasn't able to do it but usually i almost did it but it was like a work call so i was uncomfortable and it was in front of other people but when i do talk to her she was like nikki i don't know if you know but i got divorced and i usually go congratulations to people who've got divorced because i think it is the hardest thing to do and it's brave to do but i mean the first one you said about men not this is what this is happening in so many of my friends relationships and not just men they these they these girls marry men because they're like oh my god he's successful and he has all these things

and then the women keep working on themselves and then over then they become fantastic and the men stay the same because the men don't really work on themselves as much as women that's why why if you have a wife or a boyfriend that's working on themselves, you better work on yourself too because they're going to get better because they want to earn you. And then they're going to get better than you because you're not doing anything. Also, if you meet a guy who's older and you're attracted to him because he's more powerful in the dynamic, whether it's business or just in your life, you're eventually going to keep maturing and he's going to become less powerful and it's going to not turn out. That's what I'm saying. Unless he's working on himself too and getting better too, you both got to work on each other. If you're with someone that isn't working on themselves and you're working on yourself, you're eventually going to end. It's unless you give that guy an

ultimatum or that girl an ultimatum that says, if you don't go to therapy soon or at least look into it, you don't need to solve it. But if you don't start working on yourself like i am i i i will leave and here's the date that i will leave if you don't have a plan are they talking about financial potential then i mean because no i mean yeah i mean like if a guy has been unemployed forever and is not working hard enough to find a job if you don't start actually working hard enough to find a job in three months at this date i am leaving i'm leaving the house and so it gives him an ultimatum that's easier said than done uh let's get to why do i care why do i care oh all right why do you care a rod alex rodriguez is reportedly shocked by the photos of jennifer lopez and ben affleck in montana and has been reaching out to make it work yeah i'm sure he is

spiraling i am so excited about Ben and Jen Bennifer getting back together it is I was looking at all these pictures yesterday they were caught getting on a private plane together I guess they're going out to Montana they are all the pictures of them when they were back when they were together back in the late 90s early 2000s whenever it was so hot they are I'm excited for them now do you think that maybe something was going down because Affleck broke up with his girlfriend as well? Do you think they were maybe talking? Maybe there was an email exchange talked and yes.

And I think there's nothing wrong if you're in a dying relationship. I don't think there's, if you're in a relationship where you're not getting your needs, needs met and you're not married, I don't find anything wrong with putting it out there and being like who's out there for me to fuck because i'm about to get out of this my i know that sounds terrible and you're like nikki that's cheating well some people need a fucking lily pad but they're a little frog and they need a lily pad to jump onto before they take a leap you need

a lily pad and it's probably not going to be the one but i so what do you say to like let's say you were j-lo yeah and you were you're unhappy with a rod because you think maybe he's he's might be cheating or whatever and so you write an email to Ben Affleck who used to be your boyfriend what do you say to a rod I'm getting the suspicion that you're pulling away and being more distance I think

there's something that's going on if we don't address this soon it's going to I want to get ahead of this because I want to be with you but if I didn't want to be with them and I felt them pulling away, I would just tell them. But at the same time, that's some, sometimes it's just hard to do that. And I think, I just remember my therapist giving me, like when I was talking about a boyfriend that I wanted to like possibly break up with, she was like, I know you, Nikki, you're never going to leave him until you find a, you have a crush on someone else. It doesn't mean I'm, I'm, I'm actively making out with someone else or going on dates or sneaking around.

It means I see, I feel a spark with someone else and that will get you to leave. And I told that to my friend the other night that was talking about leaving her boyfriend. I was like, she was like, I just don't know. I just, and I go, I know you're never going to leave him. It's going to, you need to just start looking around because the second you feel a little bit of like, I can have a crush on this person, you'll be able to cut loose because the second you feel a little bit of like, I can have a crush on this person. You'll be able to cut loose. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that. You don't need to cheat on him.

You just need to feel the spark of hope that there could be someone else because that's why so many people don't leave is because they don't think there could be someone else. How do you feel that spark though? Without being, um, so, but my point though is like,

how do you reach out to Ben Affleck? You, you write him an email, say, or a text me like, Hey, I saw a photo of you. Congratulations on on this movie you did your relapse yeah hey i miss you yeah i loved that i you know i wrote on ben affleck's um i commented on his instagram how'd

that go i saw a picture uh he did a mother's day post for jennifer garner with all these pictures of her being a good mother yeah the other day sunday and i wrote um co-parenting goals because it was sweet because he was saying like you're seeing the birds but i almost wrote i had it drafted but i was a little bit high and i didn't want i don't ever want to like write a comment that i'm taking a chance on when i'm high even though it was a chance to even comment on ben affleck's because i have a blue check mark and those things get like shot up pretty quick in someone's comments i didn't go back and look at it though but i wrote um i wanted to write uh it's it's nice to see the other i was like i wanted to say something about um it's nice to see the other side of your relationship other than the one i some version of other than the one i scroll through late at night on the daily mail

where you guys are dropping your kids off at swim practice outside and you have a casual conversation while you're holding onto a fence. They're always like looking through a fence at their kids playing baseball and they're kind of having like casual chit chat. And she's always wearing like amazing jeans that make her butt look so good. And I'm like, Oh my God, she like probably knew she was going to see her ex-husband and like wanted

to look like, but I always see them meeting up to exchange the kids. She's probably eating a hot dog without the bun at the game. Yeah. I mean, I, I just thought it was really sweet. I love when parents are able to get along after they split up and whether or not it's a, yeah, I think like we got to get to a Reddit dump. Oh yeah.

Okay. No worries. What were you going to say? No, no, no. It's not that important. Honestly. they split up and whether or not it's a yeah i think like we gotta get to a reddit oh yeah okay no worries what were you gonna say no no no it's not that important honestly i was just gonna say that like you seem to like you've gotten back with an ex a lot so like this kind of in a way may give you hope not to get with an ex but that uh and i love the idea of like 17 years later you're like we we had sexual chemistry 17 years ago. I'm J-Lo. I still look, I look 17 years younger than I probably did then.

I'm aging backwards. You're still hot. You got a new tattoo I want to check out. We have a lot to catch up on. That is amazing that you already have this chemistry with someone. I love it. You don't think J-Lo does seven spin classes a week?

Oh, she does. She's definitely addicted to working out and probably isn't as happy as we all think she is. But that's for me to project and for you to believe. All right, so now it's time for Reddit dump. I saved a bunch of things this week on my Reddit account that is a private account that I use and I comment on things.

And I never want you to find out who I am, but I save a lot of cool stuff on Reddit and I want to share some of it with you. I liked this one I it's from here's a vegan one I sometimes save good vegan messaging this is from the subreddit vegan and the title is some people are so skeptical of trying vegan food uh oh it's quote from a guy named Christopher Eubanks I don't know who this is but will you read that quote of his and tell me what you think about it as a non-vegan because I think it's some people are so skeptical of trying vegan food they act like it's made out of dead animals I like that that cuts through the core of like people are like ew beat like when someone goes I'm not gonna eat hummus it's like you know like people

that are just like meats for life. And they're like, it's so good. And by the way, Christopher Eubanks is an American professional tennis player. Okay. So he's a 25 year old tennis player, six, seven. Damn. And he's a vegan, very fit, very athletic. And he said that, but I just love someone made a point of like, like cook, like, you

know, guys that are like barbecues life are like, oh, this is gross. And then you're like, do you want this bean dip for your, for Superbowl Sunday? And they're like, yeah. And it's like, hummus is bean dip. You fucking idiot. It's just, yeah, but it's, it's gay bean dip. Yeah, you're right. It's, it's several layer deep.

Now that's manly but hummus dip yes and then but i just love that people whenever people are trying to argue that vegan food is gross it's like your food is made out of literal dead animals it's so disgusting and i just yeah but i used to eat meat so i don't judge whatever um this is an interesting one. I do think though, it was me. Like no one lets their brain go there ever. Like if you let your brain go to them actually cutting them fucking. Well, that's the thing. I let my brain go there.

Why does anyone want to live in denial? My other night I told my mom to watch the octopus teacher because you said you watched it and I go, did it make you not want to eat octopus? And you go, it made me not want to eat any animal. And I go, great. Everyone needs to see that then. I don't need to see it. I'm already sold. I don't want to see how much octopuses feel

so that I feel sadder when I walk past a sushi restaurant than I already do. Like I'm already doing my part. But I want my mom to, the other night I went, I go, mom, Andrew watched Octopus Teacher. Let's watch it. Because my mom loves a $3.99 octopus salad

from Dearburg's in the gross food section. She buys like discount octopus salad or squid salad. I love a good squid salad, Nikki. I'm so excited to go to Greece to eat squid. And I go, watch octopus teacher, mom.

Andrew said he can't eat octopus anymore because of it. Or maybe any, any, any. I could fuck an octopus now. I'll tell you that. Because it has feelings and it can bring you a love note. Yeah, and it has all those suctions.

Yeah, and develop an emotional relationship with an octopus. Yeah, now we know that because they're brilliant. But my mom goes, Nikki, I don't want to watch that because I want to enjoy octopus. And I go, isn't that sad that you know there's information out there that would make it impossible for you to eat an octopus because you would see it as something of what it is? The truth is out there, yet you're in denial. You're just as bad as the Trump voters that you pretend to loathe so much that are in denial about climate change and about how much of a sociopathic narcissist he is. You are, you are not, you're not exposing yourself to information. You're watching the Fox news of eating by not exposing yourself to the truth of animal suffering.

And that to me made me really sad that people, I don't need to watch factory farm footage to be convinced to not eat cows. I know what happens because I read a paragraph about it because I don't want to see it. So if you don't want to see it, you could read about the stuff and maybe, maybe unlock something in your brain that makes it impossible for you to do that. Why would that be so bad? Because you like octopus salad so much, or you like calamari so much, get over yourself. Okay. This is the cutest thing from reddit dump this is i found in uh the subreddit next fucking level it's called and it's just like great videos so the subreddit next fucking level it says six-year-old helps manage four-year-old brother who is about to have a whole tantrum

his six-year-old helps manage four-year-old brothers breathing so he could calm down and his four-year-old brother was about to have a tantrum so watch this little boy it's hard to read headlines well especially when an idiot writes them for a subreddit not when don't call noah that no the headlines you read are literally headlines written by like professional journalists and you can't figure them out she got hit on her head at the concert. Okay. Okay. Isn't that so cute? Okay, so what we just watched is that there was a little boy who's like i said six and with his little brother the four-year-old was about to like scream and cry and the six-year-old boy just said breathe in and breathe out breathe in and breathe out and the little boy the little

boy's talking to is shaking his arm like i want to cry and he goes listen focus breathe in and breathe out and you can tell the mom is like secretly videotaping this from like the where they don't know that they're watching and the little boy calms down the little boy and um calm me down and i was reading through this the comments and it said uh hopefully this four-year-old will be doing that to others in two years time. So hopefully the little boy learned. And then someone else commented, I'm a pre-K teacher and this is a strategy that we teach to the kids. We have an entire curriculum devoted to teaching social emotional issues. My students can identify anxiety, sadness, frustration, anger, etc. They're able to help peers calm down. They give reminders to each other about the rules to ensure

no one gets in trouble. They are able comfort comfort peers when they're sad they're also in full inclusion classroom meaning half of the class has special needs i mean these kids are learning compassion and coping mechanisms for stress which they need more than ever because they're a generation that is going to be tethered to their phones which you know keeps them from actually interacting with people. It was just so sweet to see this, like, can you imagine if when we're upset, I just go, Andrew, deep breath.

Like that would help. We should do that for each other. Stop being a pussy. Yeah. Stop taking shits in my green room. Yeah. Yeah. Yelling you.

Final thought. I think I do. I think like when you look at your phone, like you could go like an hour with looking at your phone and you won't even know that you're breathing like you're not concentrated on your breathing you're not concentrated on yourself at all you're just outward thing looking yeah like that so that generation you know they're constantly trying to stimulate their mind instead of like sitting there and just breathing we don't know what to do it we don't have to turn it off oh yeah i don't know i was just last night i was in bed and i literally did the same thing i go all of a sudden something clicked in my head that was like focus on your breathing and i did and i was able to calm down

from this state that was like so just tumbling forward and this were you in bed or were you pacing i was in bed thinking about everything i have to do today i'm like okay i'm not gonna have that figured out for that meeting in time i'm gonna have to push that how am i gonna get to that i have to actually curl my hair before i go to theo's podcast and i want to look hot so i'm gonna do my makeup in the car but maybe i won't have time like and then i just was like all of these are thoughts literally just pay attention to your breathing for one second because whenever I do the Sam Harris meditation he always goes for the next 10 minutes you if there's nothing you need to do everything can wait literally just be in this moment and there you can do that for 10 seconds at a time of like for the next 10 seconds I can

just put those thoughts away just like take a fucking vacation in my head and just focus on my breathing as long as you can and it really helps it's so hard we were talking about it yesterday about going to a place of pure bliss in your life so like oh yeah and your brain and your brain will literally go it will experience that again like so let's say you hit a home run when you're in little league or or you uh met the love of your life or whatever, really take yourself, take your brain to that exact moment of when you felt absolute bliss and your brain is smart enough to relive that really again, like the exact moment.

And I tried it and yeah, like it did. Like I thought about like coming out to a theater, one of our theater shows and the crowd going nuts. Really? Cause it's hard to like, I can't believe how many shows we did in front of so many people that were so happy and you forget all of that i literally would never conjure that image to bring me happiness i don't ever let that in in the moment well it's funny because i was watching porn last night and it's the same thing i let me just compare the two like i like how you go to

that as your memory of like something that makes you feel like alive and good because for me, mine would be like being in bed with someone I love or like being with friends where I like, I'm like, oh my God, my best friends are all here. We're just like in this beautiful beach having a picnic. Like it'd be like one of those moments,

even though the moments where I walk out to a screaming crowd i do feel those moments but those aren't for me the ones that i would conjure to put me in a good space but everyone to each their own like yesterday i was watching porn and i was watching this girl get um dp'd and i i'm trying i'm not trying to say this just to bring up porn but this is really the same exact thought i had and i was yeah so I was watching that and this girl was getting it in a way that I was like that would feel crazy like that would feel like if that happened to me I'd be like how did I get how did I get myself to do this at a friend's picnic

how did I how do I have so many black friends um how did I like I would be like for me that's goals I don't know that I'll ever be in a situation where I'll be in a gangbang but it's something that I would like to possibly entertain in my life someday which is like a weird thing to say but it's just true and I'm not trying to be I don't want people to dm me about it I just this is just something that like I think I like I watch enough gangbangs that's like there's part of me that's like i could maybe do this like this isn't like me watching baseball as like a fat old man being like oh my days are like oh it'd be great like i could do that that's within like there's sex clubs and stuff so right so i'm watching this and this girl is getting like the best what i would consider if you're some a girl who likes that kind of thing this would be the ideal situation and she's having it on camera and she seems very comfortable with herself but she is not

enjoying her enjoyment is fake I can tell it's fake it's like it's honestly sometimes when I don't when I'm depressed and I walk out to screaming fans and I'm like it doesn't I I can maybe like see it and but I can't feel it i can't let it in like i'm not actually coming quote unquote from that but i understand that it's something that not a lot of people get to experience and i'm like wow i'm grateful but i'm not like feeling it and this girl was not feeling it i could tell she wasn't actually like coming and this was like the best scenario ever i was like god if this was a different girl i would get dp'd in front of 10 strangers no like, like that's the position she was in, the guys she was with, the what they were saying, how they were treating her.

Everything was perfect. The way that she didn't seem to be like in pain, like a lot of these gangbang things, it's like they're getting so many holes filled that it's like, it seems to be in pain. It's like you performing. It's not perfect. But then I went and found a girl who actually was like enjoying it and letting it in. Like it would be like someone watching me on stage if I was like not letting it in and then going to watch you.

And they're like, actually, I want to watch. I'm watching this because I want to imagine what it's like to walk out to a crowd and enjoy it. Probably someone wouldn't enjoy watching me as much as they would enjoy watching you. If that's the feeling they're trying to get out of it. Does that make sense? Yes. Because I'm jaded by it.

This girl is like me in terms of porn of like, yeah, I can walk out in front of thousands of people and I'm not letting it in as much. I will perform as well. And I will give a performance that is top rated on black draw.com. But for people like me who are watching it, pretending to be that girl and wanting to be that girl and not just watching

it to jerk off, it's not going to give me the same joy as it would be as a guy that wants to be a comic and walk out in front of a crowd and goes maybe i'll never live that someday i would rather watch andrew because that like he seems to be really letting it in well here's the thing i think on this tour coming up i think that could be a goal of yours again yeah fall in love with what you do so well and what you really weren't you do this because when you very first started it wasn't it weren't you do this because when you very first started it wasn't it was really you loved it right like you love oh no it's not ever been about it's not the same for us you and me i'm not saying i'm not and it never was it was never that

though it was never what you experienced when you walk out stage for me of like oh my god i can't believe all these people like me for me it's like how did i trick all these people to liking me i'm gonna try my best and like do a magic trick for these people and hopefully they won't ask for their money back and it's not because i don't respect my crowd i like do more than anything but for me i am performing i'm at the olympics i'm like performing a vault routine i am not like and a lot of times i am having fun with the vault routine but essentially I am trying to stay on that balance being the whole time I'm not like whoa I can't believe I'm at the Olympics and I would like to maybe do that more you're right you seem like that the last the last yeah a couple nights ago maybe I take this all back maybe I do feel it but for the MTV awards I am not going to

no I don't think I'm going to be like I'm finally hosting a thing that's porn I'm going to be like I can't wait till this is over and I can go to my Spanish villa and hang out with all my friends and take a fucking breath and not do anything tomorrow. Even though I've booked a ton of stuff for the next day, even though I was trying not to, but that's porn, the MTV show,

that's porn where you're performing for, but standup should be for yourself. I know. I want to get to a place where I'm the girl in the second porn I watch where I'm actually feeling the dicks inside me, AKA the claps and the admiration and the laughter. But I really do feel like a girl who just

showed up on set and is like, do they know I've never done DP before? But I have. I mean, I haven't, but I will. That's the show today. Thank you so much for listening. We love you. Keep sending in your voicemails. Andrew cannot stop going through them.

Send in your kids. I listen to them in my ear so Nikki doesn't hear them. I'll put them close to my ear and I'll just be smirking. He shares them with me, but I try to keep them for listener mail, the good ones, so that we can hear them fresh on air. And I don't,

you know, it's better when you get my natural reaction. Can we give a quick shout out to that guy that said fatigue? Yeah, I already said fatigu. Hey, what's up fatigu? Thank you so much for writing in that you you well i would want to say in fifth grade tyler schoonover was reading um a passage in fifth grade and it the the line was and the

crowd filled with applause and he read and the crowd filled with applesauce so i can't wait to accept all the applesauce i get from you guys when you go to see me on tour this summer. NikkiHazard.com slash tour for tickets. Coming to so many freaking cities. I'll see you out there. We'll see you on the show tomorrow. Thanks for listening. K.

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K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. K. the daily show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with the daily show ears edition podcast dive into john's unique take on the biggest topics in politics entertainment sports and more joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors and with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups this podcast

gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. People, my people, what's up? This is Questlove. Man, I cannot believe we're already wrapping up another season of Questlove Supreme. Man, we've got some amazing guests lined up to close out the season. But, you know, I don't want any of you guys to miss all the incredible conversations we've had so far. I mean, we talked to A. Marie, Johnny Marr, E., Jonathan Schechter, Billy Porter, and so many more.

Look, if you haven't heard these episodes yet, hey, now's your chance. You gotta check them out. Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love.

Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. Tune in and join in the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Did you know that 70% of people get hired at companies where they already have a connection? I'm Andrew Seaman, LinkedIn's Editor-at-Large for Jobs and Career Development. And on my podcast, Get Hired, I bring you all the information you need to, well, get hired. Landing a job may be tough, but Get Hired is here for you every step of the way with advice on resumes, networking, negotiation, and so much more. Listen to Get Hired with Andrew Seaman

on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you like to listen. We want to speak out and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, an investigative journalist, and this is my journey deep into the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy in my adult. He was like, I'll take you to the top, I'll make you a star. To expose an alleged predator and the rotten industry he works in. It's honestly so much worse than I had anticipated. We're an army in comparison to him. From Novel, listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app,

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