The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #305 Who Cares?

Episode Date: January 4, 2023

Nikki is playing dodgeball with the negative energies around her and sometimes not moving out of the way fast enough. She tells Anya and Noa about a run in she has with a cat. Nikki and Anya recap New Year's Eve in St. Louis performing to a sold out crowd at the Stifel Theater. Nikki is very unsettled after having a consultation with a fertility doctor and they all talk about egg shortage. In her Reddit Dump, Nikki shares a post on finding a hair in food, Twizzler shaped genitalia, a literary masterpiece and a funny video that unintentionally encapsulates what women feel when they are about to get their periods. In the Final Thought, Nikki hopes that her resolutions will bring some peace of mind. ------ Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Get Pod Merch: Podshop.NikkiGlaser.com Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Anya's Patreon: patreon.com/anyamarina   More Nikki: IG More Anya: IG More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money Podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch

your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast.

Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF. And me, Mandy B. As we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love.

Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. Tune in and join the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. People, my people, what's up? This is Questlove. Man, I cannot believe we're already wrapping up another season of Questlove Supreme. Man, we've got some amazing guests lined up to close out the season.

But, you know, I don't want any of you guys to miss all the incredible conversations we've had so far. I mean, we talked to A. Marie, Johnny Marr, E., Jonathan Sheckner, Billy Porter, and so many more. Look, if you haven't heard these episodes yet, hey, now's your chance. You've got to check them out. Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh year, bitch I've already seen you, Anya, in the new year Noah, I didn't get to see you yet And what did you do for New Year's, Noah? Oh gosh, so we had a trip that ended up kind of being a dud

Really? It looked great on Instagram I know, well Instagram is full of lies I know, doesn't everything? Yeah, it is God, you had some great golden hour shots of burritos that I thought were not even vegan.

They're vegan. I'm like, oh, they were even better than I thought. Yes, Tamarico, we're coming for you when Nikki Glaser is here on April 27th. She was on FBoy Island. Oh my god. Yeah, I forget the impression of her that Kirsten did but it was pretty good tamaris shout out okay it's like sorry yeah that's pretty good um okay so you why was your little trip a bus

so we were gonna go to a place called truth or consequences new mexico supposed to have like natural hot springs it's named after like an old-timey tv show we thought it was gonna be like it was named after a 80s movie yeah yeah so um it just and we went over christmas and everything was closed i i have i feel bad for people who live in like rural areas because there was nothing to do it was just we were in the airbnb in the Airbnb just like, we could have done this at home. Just watching TV and eating. Yes, yes. Where there's, I was kind of thinking about

like having nothing to do. Like I feel that way sometimes too, where I'm like, there's nothing to do. But there's always your phone, you know? There's always something going on there. I was listening to the Courtney show this morning and Courtney was talking about how her power was out, and the TV was out, but you have your phone.

Nothing's ever really that bad now. As long as you have your 5G. That's true. Yeah, it was truth and consequences. Did they have good 5G? Yeah, because there was no civilization there, so nobody else was on the internet are you and avi the kind of couples that can like disappear into your phones and kind of be okay with that or

do you have to like get out of board game or something like okay so i was trying to do like a cleanse because the holidays for me in all honesty are not good why it just it brings up a lot of like negative stuff like you know because of my family that's dysfunctional sure and and also there's no work to distract you from it i have no work to distract me exactly like my my schedule is broken and for an anxious person like not to have a schedule it just i'm just in complete chaos. Yes. So I was trying to not be on Instagram. I fell into a place where I started looking through Instagram, comparing myself.

Yes. And then also, everyone's killing it on the holidays on Instagram. Loving families, cute outfits, decor that, you know, like garland hung, yummy baked goods just effort people are putting in that you're like oh god what am i doing with my life yeah a lot of that so you tried to purge yourself of that i tried to not look and then like with the whole trip going bad i just kind of felt

like a failure because i was the one who it wasn't my suggestion but i was the one who booked it but i didn't really do that much research yeah but you're not gonna check like the store hours of holiday hours of different places you wanted to go like you're talking about restaurants were closed stores were closed yeah there was nothing what nothing to do yeah but was the hot springs open where are they the hot we did end up going to one and it was really nice, but everyone was there. So it was like kind of gross to like be in this. I've done that too. You're like, oh, I'm sharing a tiny hot spring with a huge family. Is a hot spring just like a hot tub, like a natural hot tub?

Yeah. Like you're just sitting in rocks. What if it gets too hot? You get the foot out. You get out and then you go to the cold shower. Isn't it weird that it never gets too hot for humans? How is it that humans... I don't know.

Whenever nature is giving us something that is... I guess what I'm saying is why isn't it too hot or too cold? How did we get lucky enough that hot springs are just the right temperature that it's enjoyable for humans? Does that make any sense what I'm saying? Can someone get back to us about how many humans have boiled in a hot spring? Well, they definitely have in Yellowstone. There's like definitely ones where you can like die for sure. Mother nature isn't super conscious of us. Yeah. I mean, I really do feel like since watching the show alone, which Anya and Matt got me into, I could survive longer than,

maybe 15 minutes longer. I do think I could set a snare. I do think I could collect, I know what to eat when you're starving, like moss off the rocks and berries and shit. I am so surprised you're into this show. Me too. It's not surprising because I don't care

if animals are hurt in the name of like survival and i don't care if they're in the wild and they're lived full lives as little porcupines which by the way it's pork you pine pork you pine there's a u it's not porcupine everyone on the show says porcupine it's cute but that ain't how you say it um i think i've been saying it wrong i say porcupine porcupine porcupine no that's right but they say not so much the u porcupine that's like cauliflower yes it bugs me so much and it shouldn't who cares say whatever you want i don't care um who knew a porcupine had so much body fat so much fat and that's what you want in these animals all these people on the show alone are looking for is fat and it's so the opposite of like watching

the kardashians where all they're trying to do is suck it out of themselves and um have you seen everyone get a buckle fat removal for christmas that's what everyone's asking for did everyone get one what is that is that the thing on the shirt that's the thing that everyone gets removed from their cheeks now it's the new hot trend in plastic surgery not a fan of that look it looks i mean it does look like you're thin it makes it look like you're thinner because it makes it look like you have sunken in cheeks and you're starving. It looks like you're on alone, the show, about 72 days in. So I just finished season seven of that show.

And yeah, it was a wild ride. I mean, it is, it's made me look at the world differently. It's made me, it just, differently it's made me it just ever the other day i cleaned a spaghetti squash out and i had to like scrape it out you know you cut a spaghetti squash and it's really hard to cut those and then you scrape it out no you didn't see me prepare it that was no preparing it before it was cooked when it's raw and you have to like scrape it with a spoon and i was like i just felt like i had processed an animal that i killed like i felt like so outdoorsy i was so proud of myself these people you don't know what they get into man like

they this one guy murdered a muskox with a knife he shot it with his bow and then it was just injured and kind of walking away and then he went in and just murdered it with a knife just kept stabbing it it was crazy i mean none of this i can watch like those scenes or when they club a fish they pull a fish out and it's flopping around then they club it yeah i closed my eyes i put my hand up i don't want to see that stuff but it doesn't bother me that it happens i do think about the muskox if it had babies to feed and i think about their the starving babies crying and waiting for their mom to come back every time they catch a rabbit i just picture the baby rabbits starving to death and I think about the starving babies crying and waiting for their mom to come back. Every time they catch a rabbit, I just picture the baby rabbits starving to death. And that

bums me out. But yeah, I mean, hunting in the name of survival, I'm into. The other day I was walking down the street and I was on my way to Walgreens because Chris had barred my car because his car is broken. And I was like, yeah, I can just walk everywhere. And so I went to Walgreens and I was walking by some bushes. And it was like almost – it was like dark out. It was just about to get dark. It was probably like 2 o'clock in the afternoon because that's how fucking dark – it gets dark so fucking early. And I hear –

like over and over. And thank God my – have you ever like listening to music and then someone you like listen to an, you pull up Instagram and then the music cuts out and then it plays the Instagram video. And then you, then you get off Instagram and you just don't put the music back on. And then you're just walking with nothing in your ears,

but your headphones still in and you don't even notice it. Thank God. That's what happened to me because I could hear this little. And so I like look in the bush and then i see these eyes peering back at me and it's a little porcupine no it's a cat it's a black cat and um it was just like couldn't stop meowing like every second like was meowing it definitely was trying to get my attention and then i tried to like sit down with it and then people just kept like sit down with it and then people just kept driving by and walking by and was it looked like i was trespassing because it was

like on the lawn of this like kind of probably a dentist or something i don't know it was in like a building and um and it just wouldn't stop meowing but it wouldn't get close to me because i was just like come here and then i was kind of looking at it its belly looked really big i'm like this fucking thing's pregnant and it was 60 degrees out 61 degrees outside at like 5 p.m. This was when it was. In January, you know, this was January 1st. I couldn't believe it. I'm so grateful that this cat wasn't in the freezing cold.

But I didn't know what to do. So then I walked to Walgreens because I'm like, I don't want to tell you, cat. You won't come near me. You keep meowing. And then I, it kept like skidding away, but then it would like walk around me. And I felt like it was trying to get around me to go somewhere else,

but then it would just like kind of stay and watch me. And it just like, I knew it wanted love and wanted shelter and warmth, but it also was so scared of it at the same time. It's kind of the same vibe Luigi has constantly of like wants love so much, wants to be a good boy, terrified of getting close to anyone. Kind of like we all are. And so then I walked to Walgreens.

The line for the prescription pharmacy was like too long. It was like two people or something. And I was like, fuck this shit. And so I got some cat food cans and I went back and I opened the cans and the cat is there still. And wolf down these two cans of food and i just like talked to it and kind of like i was able to touch its little like face because i was holding the can and i was able to like get a little touch in and um and it got closer to me but it wouldn't come anywhere like like it wouldn't let me pick it up so wolf down these cans of food so fucking hungry and then i just left because i don't know what to do

and i didn't have a car and so chris went to my parents to go get like the dog carrier that i had for luigi that was there and he brought it over but i didn't go back i didn't do it i like i was like yesterday business i felt like it might be the business would be open and then i'm just stalking around the bushes looking for that cat also i don't know what to do with a cat also it could scratch me and give me rabies i just like it was too much but i thought about that cat and there was a part of me that was like this cat needs me like i need to have a cat and then i was like you can't have a fucking cat i don't i don't know it was just a lot of i i hate when i i want to keep

my headphones up from now on because i don't want to see injured animals and have to rescue them you want to keep the volume on yeah i'm gonna blast it up because I don't want anything vulnerable trying to get into my heart because it climbed denial in yeah denial I wrote to Noah being like what do I do and she wrote her friend it just seems like too much work to go around there are too many stray cats in the world I wanted to get the cat off the street because I don't want him to murder birds I'm really on the bird side of things here. But I couldn't. I don't know what to do.

I just left it. You did the right thing. And you could always. It's not like you have a ton of time either. But you do have a few days off. You could. If you find that cat again, you could see if it comes in your carrier. And then you can put a thing on your Instagram and see if anyone wants to adopt it or call the – what's it called?

Society. Humane society. Humane society. So they can do something humane with it. Yeah. I mean, it was just going to be ridiculous trying to coax this cat into the thing. It was just too much work. This is where I give up on literally everything in my life is when it approaches like being just a little too much logistics.

Then I have to put out a post and then people have to come by and meet it and i have to meet them and talk to them or maybe your part in all of this was just to get her those two cans of food she was she's like i got what i needed from you the dentist will be open tomorrow and he'll have more of a bleeding heart for this cat and and help it because it was definitely loud and it was on a busy enough sidewalk someone else but this is the bystander effect someone else will deal with it i did what i could yeah um does the cat have a good personality and you might need someone else on this show what do you mean as a oh yeah you know the cat did have charisma yeah it was so cute but it had like a like an eye that was kind of weepy and i I was like, oh, God.

It just made me realize, like, if I got this cat, I would have to take it to the vet. I can't do that. That's what makes me go, I can't have kids. You have to, like, take them to the doctor. I can't even take myself to the doctor. I had an appointment this morning. And the woman asked, so who's your OBGYN? And I go, I don't know.

And she was like, where is that? I go, I don't know. I don't know anything. My assistant made the appointment. I just showed up for it. I don't know. And she was like, where is that? I go, I don't know. I don't know anything. My assistant made the appointment. I just showed up for it. I don't remember their name. I don't remember what building it was in. I don't remember anything.

And I just really can't take care of myself. No, that's not the conclusion, dude. You're very busy and insurance changes all the time probably. You don't have like a regular GP. That's okay. Bonnie McFarlane helped me feel better about this. She's like, I change my insurance every year. I never know who my doctor is.

So that makes me feel better. I've been seeing this woman for a while. I still can't remember. I do remember. What was her assistant's name? It was like Tony or something that stayed in the room. I do remember his name. I remember him. Because now all OBGYNs like they have to let someone stay in the room with you

because oh yeah we don't trust any of them which yeah it's like a gangbang all of a sudden you're like oh is this supposed to make me feel more comfortable i think i think i raise a suspicion with any doctor who's an ob-gyn that's a man i can't do it i just i'm not i went to the remember the one we went to anya oh yeah yeah yeah he was nice i like he was nice but also did not did the same thing that i hear articles about about not addressing women's pain i got an iud put in and it was or no i got a pulchoscopy wherever they like scrape your posco yeah yeah yeah colposcopy it was the most painful thing and the insertion of my iud which they could not get out so they had to like yank it and ripped out like tissue it was so un i mean i don't even have to say how painful it was

because i blacked out from the i literally passed out from the from the pain. And they said it would be a little pressure. What was that guy? Oh, yeah. He was nice, but yeah. I just... Now that I'm learning so much about predatory behavior, we have to understand that these people go into these professions because that's what they

are... There's a lot of people that just do it for... If you can prove to me that your mom died of uterine cancer or something and that's why you want to go into it okay i believe you but other than that why would you choose the pussy why as a male doctor to help women deliver babies why do something else get out of there then be it then be a pediatrician but even that i'd go what what do you need to be touching little kids i'm just suspicious of all of it you're not saying all of them are yeah i am actually unless you can prove to me that you i want to if you're an ob-gyn and you're a man write to me why why if it isn't because unless it's a reason like I had a woman in my life who suffered this thing and I want to like get in there.

Because in medical school, you get to choose what you do, right? How many female urologists are there too? I would like to know the percentage of urologists that are women. I'm not, you know what? There's no, I'm not raising an eyebrow at them. They do what they want. But I'm just curious why they get into it. The money. I don't know that the dick is is the same reason you got into comedy yeah the dick and money i don't know yeah that is interesting why does anyone get into anything

i don't know just to be like oh this is the size huh is this is are you fully grown is this i can't but they're they have to people that ob-? But they have to, people that, OBGYNs definitely have to have a reason. It's just because you could choose anything, right? It is weird that from a young age, I remember subconsciously being like, well, I got to choose a man, OBGYN. Why? Why did I think that? Is it the patriarchy? Yeah. Wait, what? My ob-gyn was a man i

haven't even had a woman until recently i was like probably post me too i was like no i'm getting a woman why why have i always gone to men like you guys know better than we do well because of that old riddle of like the doctors like it's something about the doctor's son is dead and then who's the and and it makes it presupp you always presuppose that a doctor is a man all right so maybe that's why that we just think that never gone smart man never ever noah well a gynecologist yeah never i don't know why anyone would. And I did too. Same. But just, and ever since then, I haven't. Because it just, but why would I think that's,

and I'm sure people are out there like, my dad's an OBGYN, and it's fine. And it's like, I get it. Maybe you do want to deliver babies or whatever. But I'm just a little bit, it would ruin the vagina for you. It would take out, it would be like, every vagina you see would be like,

oh, more work, you know? Let's say you're not a creep. It would take the sexuality out of vaginas Maybe a little bit So it would ruin it either way Either you're doing it because you like vaginas too much Which is creepy Or you like vaginas in a sexual way But not in a medical way

But you see them so much medically It would ruin it sexually I'm completely questioning my whole life now And having a little bit of an existential crisis. About why you had a male OBGYN without question? Me too. Well, that guy should question his existence. And everyone who works for him should.

I want to hear why men want to be OBGYNs. Let me know if you have any in your life. We'll be right back after this. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money.

We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early,

well, How to Money will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right. How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to how to money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight

to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. D dive into john's unique take on the biggest topics in politics entertainment sports and more joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors and with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else ready to laugh and stay informed listen on the iheart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, Minnie Questions.

Over the years, we've had some incredible guests. People like Courtney Cox, star of the infinitely beloved sitcom Friends, EGOT winner, Viola Davis, and former Prime Minister of the UK, Tony Blair. And now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Each episode is a new person's story with new lessons, new memories, and new connections to

show us how we're both similar and unique. Listen to Mini Questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager. Responsible and driven, and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail.

It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened. And I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours. Stalls and relapses. But one night, a new door opened, and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community.

And I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps. Listen to CRIMS as part of the Michael Duda Podcast Network. Available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Happy New Year. We're back. Yeah, so I went to get a consult today via Zoom about getting my eggs frozen guys what do you want to know don't ask me some questions about this thing what do you what do you want to know about

it because I've got some fucking answers for you because it's bullshit how long does the whole process take do you have to put a needle a couple months like it just takes like you know a couple cycles or however many you want to do if the older you get, the more cycles you have to do because you only get about – if you're lucky, you get like 20 eggs per session. But really, you're probably – when you're in your – after 36, you're going to get like 10 if you're lucky. And then of those 10, the percentages of those actually being fertilized and not having any diseases is like one in 10. So you got to do at least two cycles to have any kind of like reassurance. I mean, these aren't the exact numbers,

but it's not looking good. It's $10,000. Per egg? Insurance covers none of it for me. Yep. Because they see any kind of egg freezing or going to get infertility treatments as you being infertile.

They just lock you in as infertile. So what's the fucking point? Yes. They go. So I am now in the system as infertile. So anything that I get done for me is totally just like a fun little experiment that I'm choosing to do. Since when is health care like the thing you're getting

treated for becomes a thing that makes it so you don't get to get treatment like why is me being so they they're marking me down as infertile dead in the water can't have kids because I'm going because I even went for a consult so so now I'm down in the system as infertile and but i'm going to get treated for possible infertility so isn't that a medical issue like i don't i don't understand it and then i'm talking to the doctor and she was so freaking nice and cool and like she was like just call me mo like i'm like okay mo so she's so nice and just down to earth. And I really liked her a lot. And she's answering all the questions that I could have. I didn't really have many questions because she kind of said it all. And I was not in the, I woke up on the wrong side of

the bed today. I'm two days away from starting my period. I got a message from someone being like, I can't believe how many people say so many things about you and stuff like that. Just someone telling me what other people are saying about me, please, for the love of fucking God, stop doing that. I know you're on my side and I know you're telling me like, it's hard to be you and I love you so much. Why would they be saying mean things? Please don't tell me what people are saying, even in a very abstract way. It doesn't help. It only makes me think of things that are... I'm never going to read it. Write whatever you want, people. I'm never going to read it. Ever.

Ever. I mean, my DMs are different. Tell it to my face. I dare you. I dare you. You would never. Also, how is it good news? Why would you write to a celebrity you like and tell them some bad news? I don't understand this.

Because the person was trying to empathize and say I could never. They were trying to. I get what they were saying. They were giving me what I actually need sometimes is someone saying, I can't imagine what it would be like to have strangers pick apart my life and think they know me so well. He was trying to give me empathy. But in doing that, he had to tell me that people are picking apart my life and i don't need to know that that might not be i'm never gonna look picking apart my life it might not be that they're

saying bad things it's just like oh i wonder if you know nikki and chris are gonna get engaged or yeah it could just be like gossipy stuff in that way i know but then i wrote back and i said i don't want to hear this or like that's why i don't read it. And then he was like, it's not all bad. It's some lots of it is good. But, you know, some people but even saying it's not all bad means it is some of it is bad. Yes. Yes. I know. I just have to understand that high school thing. They want to be close to you. And it's a way of being like we're close for now because I'm going to tell you some real shit. But I'm protecting you. And people do feel like they're close to me in my DMs.

Yes. Like, I'm protecting you. I'm looking out for you. I can't believe these people would say this about you. I've been that person before. Because I didn't know what it's like to be told what you're not, what you're here. I can't believe people say this about you. Can you imagine?

Just run this through your head, listener, that someone said to you, I can't believe what people are saying about you. It's you, I love you so much. They are crazy. Would that make you feel good? Would that make you feel secure? Like, oh, this person loves me. Of course it wouldn't.

No matter how many people love you, if you find out a group of people are together writing about you, and of course I know that they are, and I signed up for it. And I'm sure you're going to write all, all the people that write this bad stuff. You're going to write all of this stuff in there.

She deserves it. She lets us in on her life. That's what we get to scrutinize it. You're a loser. First of all, you're a huge loser who writes and like negative things about someone online. I'm not kidding you. I've been in some dark places.

I've never been in a dark enough place where I write paragraphs of negativity about someone I don't know. I really hope you get help. You're a loser. I don't know if you're always going to be one, but it's not looking good. I don't think that this is going to get through to you.

I have compassion for you. I really want you to get better, but I'm never going to read what you write. So if that's any consolation, and I dare you, if you really think something about my life, I dare you to DM me and have a personal conversation. Yeah, just DM her. I would love it.

DM me your concerns about my life or your thoughts about my life, because I'm never going to read those message boards ever, ever, because I take care of myself myself which you should take care of yourself and do something good for yourself or go to better welcome on the wrong side of the bed with this promo code or go to betterhelp.com promo code Nikki Glaser yeah yeah there's therapists standing by to help you with your um misplaced aggression that celebrities you do not know she thinks she's a celebrity she thinks she's so cool she even do not know. She thinks she's a celebrity.

She thinks she's so cool. She even said celebrity just then. She thinks she's so famous. We don't even give a fucking... Also, I already know you're going to get DMs clarifying this. So let me... Can I say one thing?

Oh, yes. Please save me DMs clarifying. Please. I know and Nikki knows that probably a lot of those comments on Reddit are well-meaning people who are like, I really care about her. And here's what I hear. And I think she's doing this and that.

And because I care about her, I'm writing this. And it's some – DM me. It's cloaked as that. DM my friends. Yeah, just DM her. You have access to everyone where you can actually help me. You talking about it with other fans in a forum where you're just trying. You're not actually helping anything.

And also, if you're worried about someone else and you're like about the things going on in my life, I would guess, I would almost 100% guarantee that your life, there are similar things going on. And that's why you can so clearly see them in my own life. Because I know that whenever I do the same thing, which I have, I don't write about it, but I definitely hate online and look at things and go and zoom in on them and have opinions about what people are doing and how I think they're running their lives and how I think they should do things differently. And it's always because I'm doing things that are nefarious that I don't like about myself so look back at your own self and I'll do the same so anyway I woke up on the wrong side of the bed because of that literally that was the first thing I got when I'm in bed and um I was just like really sad and then I had to jump on this zoom call about having my eggs frozen and

she was like so just tell me like what brings you here and i go okay i don't want kids at all i i'm like i would say i have there's a 20 chance that i ever want kids in my whole life i 100 don't want them now i'm doing this because of the patriarchy because um i'm scared that i'm someday going to be with a man whether it's my boyfriend now or maybe he dumps me and I end up with someone and the only reason, the only way a man will ever love me is if I'm able to give him his own child. That's why I'm doing this. And then I smiled and we continued the conversation. I go, that's the only reason. And I go, I'm doing it for insurance in case some man down the road wants to have his own baby because it seems to be more important to men than it is to me to not adopt men don't want someone else to raise someone else's seed and so that's why i'm doing it

and then as soon as i said that i was like why am i doing this and then i find out it's ten thousand dollars honestly i don't think i can do it i don't think i can do this because it's so and first of all you can't travel at all yeah what's the process like yeah so you go in for your consult you have to get a blood test and you have to get um your follicles looked at in your ovaries through an ultrasound then they just see what they're working with then you go back in and you they order all the medicine you have to put two thousand dollars this is just for two sessions of harvesting and i mean some women do like five okay one is like pretty worthless two is like the bare men pretty much so it's ten thousand dollars two thousand dollars down to for them

to order all the medicines and then you go through a whole cycle you like you go in a bunch of times though but you have to be like ready to go at any time like you have to go in constantly to get checked and make sure that okay now's the time to pull the eggs now's the time so there's really no window for me i go i'm never going to be in town 14 days straight in a row ever in the rest of my life she's like your kid i'm like well i could have if there were nannies that could pull my eggs on the road then that would be great that is i could get a surrogate for to that could pull my eggs on the road, then that would be great. That is what you need. If I could get a surrogate for someone to harvest my eggs. So I might have to go to like some place in Chattanooga

or wherever the fuck I'm performing to go get this done. And truth or consequence is New Mexico. It'll just be closed. Yeah, exactly. What was I going to say? You can't travel at all for eight weeks? No, for 14 No you can

But we'll have to go To find a clinic there And have them send the pictures And everything It's just a huge How do they pull the egg Clusterfuck It's a procedure

Where you have to go under You have to be put under Oh my god And anesthesia With fentanyl And something else she said And then they pull it out And then you just

There's you know A less than 1% chance Of any kind of like Negative things that could happen during the egg pull it's a very you know low risk procedure and then you do it maybe back to back like you might do it just right away the next the next moment you get on the birth control pill for like 10 days so that your eggs calm down and then they start producing like on a dime like at the right moment so that they're but i mean what was most depressing to me is just the age plummet no one told me at 32 your vagina becomes tucson like i did no one told me i know you're at, geriatric pregnancy, which now they're calling them, what's it, like a mature pregnancy.

It's something, they changed the name from geriatric. And then, you know, there's all the risk of like having kids with, like there's a 1% chance your kid's going to have some kind of genetic disorder that is very visible to the public and to you you know um but i don't think i want to spend ten thousand dollars on this i just i'd rather get the reason no it's a hundred percent the reason yes that's a lot of money that i you know when i spend that amount of money i like to spend it on stuff i can use this is just a bunch of it's a hassle very important thing you could use i don't think it's important to me though like i i hate to bring this is going to be a whole reddit thread at some point uh for sure i don't have a problem adopting i have so why am i doing this i have

zero problem adopting i don't do both no part of the issue there's no part of me that wants to needs my kid to look like me or have my same like physical traits or mental traits if anything please don't have my mental traits and a lot of my physical traits i could leave on the fucking drawing room table as well i so if i have no problem legs if i have no problem they probably wouldn't get my legs my child would probably be born without legs because i decided to have a kid past the age of 34 so it's like it'll probably just be born with like a nose for legs or something like it's but that's a great nose the glazer nose that's true i'm just like i don't know i'm feeling really discouraged about the whole thing

i'm going in for on uh monday to do the ultrasound and the blood work but i don't think i'm gonna i might not even keep the appointment because i'm just so discouraged i just think this is all so just i just feel like the most feminist thing to do would to be like it's it feels like when you stop wearing makeup you just give up and you just go you know what instead of like trying to trick science into like making more of me i just have to accept what is instead of just fighting it constantly and and and paying for all this thing that i some women it's very important to them to have their own kid and to be pregnant it just isn't't for me. So what am I doing? I think I'm doing this the same reason that people tell me to buy a house or get married

because everyone else does it. Well, I just don't know that I really care. It's like redoing my kitchen. I don't care. I'd rather just rent the rest of my life. I'll rent a kid. Does that make sense? Yes.

There's no right or wrong approach to this you know it's okay if you don't want kids and it's okay if you kind of want them but not right now or you're just not sure i think it's just like you don't know where you're going to be in a year from now and your perspective might change and you might say you know what i had this opportunity why didn't i take it just look at it as an opportunity that you are able to take at this moment. And I think you should follow through. I don't think feminism is giving up and just accepting. Don't accept. Push through it. Because right now you're just seeing it through one lens. And you haven't found that other lens that gives you the reason as to why you would

want kids. Or you say, you know what? I'm glad I have this option on the side waiting for me, but it's not for me. And that's okay. Yeah. And then you're only out 10 grand, which you make in one night of two shows. You make that in a meet and greet, if two meet and greets.

It's nothing. But I care about that kind of money. Like I spend my money. It could be a human child of your own. So it's not like a gift card at Sephora. It could be an option for you. Look at it as an opportunity. As an opportunity that's down the road for you.

Don't look at it as a child. Don't look at it as 10 grand. You're investing in a potential opportunity. The way I felt waking up this morning was like, I could not have a kid with how much self-hatred i felt this morning i i don't know how women do it if you're someone out there with a small child men too you know single fathers or whatever and you're out there as a depressed person with children how do you do it i i mean i

struggle having a dog the idea of getting a cat and like having to take care of that on days where i feel like this is so incomprehensible to me i just feel like i would yell at my kid a lot today for something they didn't do because i would just be just you know i just feel like to minimize the damage i can do to the world it's to not have a kid and and that's okay for now but also yeah you know, when I hear you talk about it, you're saying, you're talking about how you would handle it

and what it would be like for you. But, you know, you would hope that there's another person in that equation. Yeah, my nannies would probably have better mental wellness

because I would pay them well and we would watch a lot of Bravo TV together and enjoy that and have that kind of relationship. Yeah, okay, so you're right. That's what she said to me. The doctor was like, listen, I definitely didn't want kids. I sat my

parents down and told them I didn't want kids and now I have three. What? I got to a point where I was like, I would give anyone anything. I would give my right arm for a kid. I'm like, did your give anyone anything. I would give my right arm for a kid. I'm like, did your kid have a right arm? How long did you wait? So it's just, I get that like things can change on a dime and they do for me.

I don't think though this kid thing has ever wavered from the time I ever was a teen till now. Ever. Well, I've heard you talk about wanting to adopt. Like, to me, this issue is like, it's more about do you want a kid or not? And then the secondary issue is do I freeze my eggs or not? Because it sounds like you don't mind. Like, if you decide to have a child, you, Nikki Glaser, all on her own, would not mind at all adopting and doesn't even really care about having her own biological

child no i don't i'm just doing this for men so then might want to have a baby with me because i don't feel like because i want to stay with the man that i someday i'm with who definitely wants a kid but he the man that you're currently with doesn't have a problem with adopting correct i know but what if we don't make it and then i'm single and then the only guy that will date me is someone who's like i gotta have my own kid i've met so many men that are like yeah i would only yeah but you wouldn't date those men you wouldn't be in a relationship i would believe me i'd want to like it's literally every man okay i'm not joking what's his name zach efron is like i'm with you now it's. I need to have my own child biologically.

Yeah. And then you're like, cool. I froze my eggs and then you'll do it? Yes. Because if a man wants kids that bad, they're going to help out a lot. I figure. Because mommy needs to take her naps. And my hormones are going to be even more of a fucking grab bag gamble every day when i get older

because this there i was watching fleabag the other day and you remember that scene with that older woman that's like and then she's like being a woman's awful it's terrible and then you reach menopause and it's amazing yeah and you're like're like, yes, oh my God. She's like, you don't have to care anymore. Like, and she's like- Kristen Scott Thomas or something? Yeah. She's so cool.

Oh yeah, that's her. She's so gorgeous. And she plays this like lesbian that what's her name is talking to. And Fleabag is like, I've heard, you know, menopause is terrible. And she's like, oh, it is. But then it's glorious.

It's glorious. And it does seem to be that way, but it's going to get pretty bad before then. I was just so mad hearing about that fertility thing. It just doesn't make sense. Yeah, it's like, oh, it's elective. But we want everyone in this country to have children because of the Christian right. And you get a tax break if you had to have a child so the whole country is all about like everybody have a baby have a baby

have a baby and then when it comes down to you wanting to have a baby they're gonna fuck you i just felt like i was doing like a i was playing playing uh a woman who wants to have a baby i literally thought i was like auditioning for a role of something that I know. I would never. It was almost like I was putting on a mustache and a hat and suspenders. And was like, the way I would feel if I've ever done drag. And I dress up like a man.

And I'm like, I'm a man now. And I do a man character. That's exactly how I felt on this call with this woman being like, talking about me with my eggs and showing me my ovaries and stuff. I'm not saying I'm not a woman. I'm very much a woman, but it's just not,

I just didn't get that chip in me that any of this is alluring to. And I feel, again, I'm very much related to the kitchen being redone thing or picking out. I got a new couch yesterday and I'm on Crate and Barrel and there's 20 different textile kind of like just the textile, the way it feels. And then there's 20 different colors. So if you do the math on that, there's literally like 400 options of things that you can get and it is too much. And so what did I do? I said, what is in stock? One color was in stock. I got that color. Is it going to be the shittiest kind?

For sure. Is it going to be the shittiest color? For sure. But it is, I just, otherwise I would never have gotten the couch. I can't deal with this too many options. And women that just know what they want and will like wait a long time

or they'll have a whole book of swatches sent to them. God, I would give anything to be like that. I really would. to like you right to care about something like that and to understand it and have the patience to like pick it out and you know picking out a new bed is exhausting it's all you know my resolutions for the new year is just to like myself more and accept what i am and i'm having a really hard time with it today um especially because I had to get on a call and pretend I'm a girl who wants to have a baby because that's wait let's okay so let's talk about your um new year's eve because that looked spectacular it was so fun um yeah it was at the Stiefel Center and achievement unlocked you sold it out

yes definitely sold it out thank you so much to every bestie that came it was at the Stiefel Center. And achievement unlocked. You sold it out. Yes, definitely sold it out. Thank you so much to every bestie that came. It was such a fun night. It was so, it felt like my wedding for sure because it was like all my friends in town, my family, a lot of people that, you know, I should know but don't really know that well. Like everyone in my life is there.

You have to talk to everyone, mingle with everyone. Like it's your special day, but you feel like you're hosting something as well. It was a lot of work, but it ended up being so much fun. It was a great day through and through. I lost my purse, but I got it back. Thanks. I mean, I had a really rough couple hours. Like you had a million people come into town.

Yeah. But you had a lot of good friends come into town, stay with you. You were like hostessing. Your apartment is impeccable now. That's because I have help from Taylor. She does everything. literally taylor hasn't come by in a couple days in my house i have i won't fold a piece of laundry i won't do anything like it all could be done i won't do it anymore because like i'm now i have a housekeeper but now

my place is a fucking mess so um yeah it was it was a lot of work all weekend and i'm already feeling like i don't deserve to take a nap again. Like, what's the next thing? I have nothing on the books in terms of, like, that's looming like this. I definitely have my tour and everything, but those shows are selling well. I'm feeling, like, really satisfied about that. I'm not, like, worried about anything in the future, and I think that is starting to set in. And I already – it's just so weird.

You go from this night on Saturday, Saturday like the biggest night of your life everyone in your life is around you you have this big show then there's a meet and greet of like 250 people at least for like so it's an hour and a half show and then an hour of meeting people which I genuinely love it is it's long but it's not bad

at all but it's exhausting and then and then you go home and you wake up in the morning and your boyfriend leaves and your friends have all left town and it's quiet and there's no one around and there is nothing to do and no one's even texting like it's just all goes like like it's like a vacuum like like nothing and it's like this it's it's a little bit hard to get calibrated back to like what what is my life because that was just so nuts it feels like i should have gone on a honeymoon or something because just being in my empty apartment after all of this in the same town that this all just

happened and felt just kind of like um a little bit of a shock but the night itself was so fun my sister brought her kids backstage and everyone was like the kids don't need to be here and i was like thank god for these kids because i can just play with them i don't have to talk to anyone i don't have to entertain people they're getting my mind off of being nervous like i can't i can just focus on opening this gift for poppy and like you know doing the twist ties on the back trying to get this little squirt gun for my nephew figured out. Like that's what I wanted to focus on 15 minutes before I went on stage than anything else. Yeah, you're really good at that. Because everything else was just too much.

But it was. It's funny too when it's like your night and you have all this pressure on you to do a huge show and then to be a hostess. Like there was a pre-party. Then there was a post-party to the show so Nikki's not only like doing an hour and a half long show actually more like a two hour long show with introducing everybody yeah and then she does this hour and a half long meet

and greet then there's an after party but there was a pre-party so you were like on from I would say 6 p.m to 2 in the morning like on yeah because I also had a guy that was interviewing me for this piece that was oh yeah I would say from 5 o'clock until 1 a.m. it was non-stop and there was maybe I went to the bathroom once and had a little bit of alone time like a breather but other than that it was just constantly talking to people and like it and honestly I like it I don't really want it to not i don't really need that much alone time but yeah you're amazing i i would that's nice i like implode you would what i just implode i've come to know about myself that you know i can do about four things in a day

well and if my plate gets any more full than that, like some people thrive with the full plate. You are one of those people. Like you really do. You thrive with the full plate. Deadlines, like immediate deadlines. You're like, all right, let's kick this into high gear. I like get paralyzed and freak out.

So like, I'm like, okay, my show, I have to do vocal, you know, warmups. I have to remember to put my flash drive bracelet on my wrist because it's part of my show to do this thing with that then i you know have to remember my songs and then just my guitar and my capo i forgot one of those things because i got distracted with something else before the show and it was like see i cannot multitask well like i can't even go out and say hi to people for five minutes without feeling discombobulated. So I didn't even get to socialize really because it would take me off balance.

Well, you have the luxury of not having to. No one's expecting you to. Like if they expected you to, you probably could. You know, like if I was someone that didn't have to go say hi to everyone that was there for me,

I probably wouldn't have, you know. But it wasn't an option. It was like my wedding, like you. And that's why I would love to elope someday. So that it doesn't because I do love doing this. Like I, I didn't, I didn't. There was no part of that night that I was like, like, it really it was a lot, but it was still fun. The whole thing was fun. And I love that my dad was like, why are there no drinks in the food room oh my god i mean that is just she's like and he performed right can i say my parents do this too where i'm like i'm doing 17 things at once and i'm fully made up and trying to keep it

together and i've got a smile on my face but if one fucking match goes on my back i will lose it and like all of a sudden it becomes known to us that in the in the pre-party room where there's all these pizzas because this very nice company delivered a bunch of pizza head yes and they were delicious and they were vegan and they did all this out of the kindness salads and cookies yeah it was amazing yeah it was amazing. Yeah, it was amazing. All free. And then we come to realize, whoops, the drinks that we had ready were not put in that room. They were in a different backstage room. So myself, Nikki, and Matt, her husband, her brother-in-law, we go into the other room.

And Matt and I are like, Nikki, don't worry about it. We got this. And we start moving the drinks. Right at that moment, her dad waltzes in and is like right to Nikki, like mumbling, kind of like in the way you imitate him in your childhood dinners. Like soup's cold, weird, but would have liked it. Why would you have the drinks in here when the food's all in there? And I go, are you joking me? I go, I am right now having all of the drinks moved there.

This is what bothers me about it. If he would have just said, he didn't need to say anything, first of all, because we were already doing exactly what he was trying to have remedied, right? But what annoys me is that my dad already and people do this all the time it's not just my dad and this is a this is a glazer family trait that's why i love my friends and family to be around my i love my friends and my boyfriend to be around my family because they see where i

get it where they look at me and they go jesus nikki is weird or she's intense or you know and then they look at how i was raised and they go okay this makes sense so this happened right before so we were headed to rehearsal my dad picks me up and there's a lot of traffic downtown because I was you know right next to the Stiefel theater is the Enterprise um it sounds like the Enterprise uh center but it wasn't like a rental car place the Enterprise center it's like the hockey rink for the blues. And so that game was starting hours before my show. So getting down there was so much traffic. So I go, Dad, instead of me driving separately, pick me up. We'll go to rehearsal together. So we go, he picks me up, we go to soundcheck together. And as I'm going

downstairs, I have this big bag of all the clothes and all the things I need for the whole night. And my dad is 68 so I just don't like him lifting things anymore and I am an able-bodied woman who has about four eggs inside of her right now ready to be harvested at any moment and and so my dad pops the hatch for the back thing trunk and I grab the bag and he's like let me get it and my dad's fighting aging and fighting this in once you know to be a good man in this moment for his weak little daughter and he picks up the bag and i'm fighting with him with the bag and then i slam my head on his dumb fucking nissan back trunk hatch that does not come all the way up because it's he bought a

vehicle that was in an accident so the thing doesn't even come up all the way up because it's he bought a a vehicle that was in an accident so the thing doesn't even come up all the way and i slam my head it's bleeding there's a huge dent on my forehead and we get in the car and i'm just like calm about it i'm just like i hit my head it's fine it's bleeding whatever i'm gonna put a band-aid on it i'm gonna honor nelly tonight for my performance here in st louis and then we're pulling out my dad goes why wouldn't you just let me get it why you wouldn't and i'm like dad i already have a gash on my head isn't that punishment enough do you need to shame me more for how dumb i was for doing this like why do we need to add to it? So again, like I already am getting the

drinks out of the room. I've already realized that there has been a mess up here. I'm already feeling bad about it. People are in that room eating. They're all going like, where's the drinks? And they're having to shuffle between the two. And my green room is kind of in the middle of trying to get to those. So they feel like they're kind of to get to the drinks. They're kind of having to go through my green room and they all feel kind of weird about that. So it's just like not a good vibe backstage. I already feel horrible about it because I've realized it too late. So I'm trying to fix it, and my dad has to come in and mumble something about, why would you put the drinks in here when the food's like – what do you – why?

Why must we keep punishing ourselves on top of the thing? Just isn't it enough that I'm having to – it and so i just snapped and he looked at me like i was crazy and i was i mean i went a little bit too much off on him but i just couldn't take it anymore um and that was my evening it was yeah but then um but then it was good they they were fun they drove us home uh chris and i home at the end of the night and that was fun and you know there were gunshots i guess on the way out for some people leaving the venue did that happen to you anya and we were told by security to wait indoors for the uber and we were like no we can wait outside they're like you don't want to go

out there but then they were being cagey about why i was like why a lot of drunk people and they're like just stay inside i'm like okay i just have to say this or like, okay. Is it dangerous? It's dangerous. It's dangerous, but it's not any more dangerous than any other city. Because yesterday, everyone on the girls' set, or two days ago, was like, we heard gunshots. And I'm like, that's a thing that happens on New Year's Eve everywhere, first of all. Everyone shoots off guns. And yes,

St. Louis does have a crime thing. But I looked up the crime in St. Louis, and it is not any more worse than anywhere in the U.S. So everyone was just like, I got so scared. And everyone's like, you know, running off home to Arkansas and Kansas City thinking it's safer. It's the same in those places, too. St. Louis is not different. I'm not worse than you because I live in a crime filled city.

I just felt like it was a little bit accusatory. Yeah, but it was New Year's Eve. I bet that happened everywhere. And I looked on the news and there was no shootings. It was fireworks. So you tell me. No successful ones. But they did throw a burning thing off a balcony.

A burning thing? Yeah, toward Taylor and everyone. Like threw burning objects at Taylor. I don't know. I just felt like you guys were like, St. Louis is disgusting and terrifying. No, I didn't say that. But watch that one video where they're running and they're like, you hear in the background like pop, pop, pop. And then you see the girls in the video realize

like those aren't fireworks. Oh, yeah. Everyone always thinks guns are fireworks at first. They sound so like cute. Similar. Well, yeah, that's what I mean. I've read a lot of books about mass shootings and stuff. You guys know that. And like everyone always thinks it's firecrackers so if you ever think there are firecrackers i'm at the point where i think firecrackers are guns now because i know that so much so it's that's that's what it will sound like but st louis does not have a bad crime rate that was an insane show you were so great and so poised and so funny there was this moment nikki like rewrote anti-hero for st louis with these hysterical lyrics and then like there was like a whole

moment where she had to vamp because she didn't see the last verse it was missing from her phone where she was reading lyrics and so she vamped which was almost funnier than the whole song that she had written and the crowd just went nuts it was such a great vibe in the place and then you and your dad did a song that i swear you should like bring back many times because it's so touching so funny like i was peeing my pants laughing in bed that night just thinking about it and you guys are just so so good together it was an amazing amazing show i'm so proud of you it was so nice thank you so much and like yeah it was i couldn't have done it without the help of obviously you and matt and all my friends and just everyone that was there that weekend it was like it was so special to me i wish you would have been there noah

instead of in truth and consequences um we're gonna come back and we're gonna do reddit dump right after this 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year it's going to come back and we're going to do a Reddit dump right after this. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year,

offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky-high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early, well, How to Money will help you

to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right. How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays for money advice without the judgment and jargon. Listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast.

Dive into John's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors. And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the

same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, Minnie Questions. Over the years, we've had some incredible guests. People like Courtney Cox, star of the infinitely beloved sitcom Friends, EGOT winner Viola Davis, and former Prime Minister of the UK, Tony Blair. And now, Mini Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe and Cord Jefferson. Each episode is a new person's story with new lessons, new memories and new connections to show us how we're both similar and unique listen to

mini questions on the iHeartRadio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts seven questions limitless answers i started to live a double life when i was a teenager responsible and driven and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened, and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost,

I found hope with community, and I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery, a story told in 12 steps. Listen to Crumbs as part of the Michael Lura Podcast Network, available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, it's time for Reddit Dump. Karaoke mode. This is your reddit dump okay so this is from the reddit unpopular opinion and it says finding a hair in your food is no big deal i mean it's unfortunate but do you do you but do you know what i do when i find a hair i don't eat it i remove it and discard of it i don't understand why finding a hair renders a meal inedible for most people 99.9 of the time it wasn't intentional the other 0.1 well that's a

different story the fact is never mind how careful you are when cooking a stray hair is going to fall on food occasionally um thoughts because i've thought this way too like what how much dirt does a hair piece of hair have on it that you make renders your food inedible, inedible. Just pull it out. It is gross because hair detached from the human head is disgusting on its own. We all know that. Just pull it out and keep eating the food.

Like it, I don't, I don't get, um, the, like, I understand if it was like a piece of poop was in your food. Like you couldn't just just the poop would like leave behind remnants but what does a hair leave behind aside from like old shampoo that it's gonna make or like a little grease from their head that you can't even see that'll probably make the food taste better because it's grease yo what is i think it's more of just a visual thing than actually something that can really impair your taste buds. Also, does it matter if the hair is curly or straight? What if there were two hairs?

What if there were three? I think that's racist if people are more anti-curly hair. Well, small curly hairs make you think of pubes, which make you think of like calm and shit and all the things that are down there and so yes i get it but let's normalize just instead of reordering a whole thing and shaming whatever god you know too much aging man is back there who's losing a lot of hair just take it out of your food and keep eating usually the hair that i find is usually from my own head like if i reach yes for something it falls off my um sleeve but yes so i will definitely eat food if i find someone else's hair in it i just have to go through a little bit of like the mental thing of like thinking about swallowing the hair and then pulling it out of my throat oh god oh god yeah

yeah yeah yeah no no that's what gets to me first and then i just like dismiss it i assume that that's the only hair in there i don't think that there's it's not like cockroaches like there's gonna be more in fact there's gonna be probably more cockroach legs in your salad or like mice rem shit yep that's crawling all over the potatoes that you know there's so much crap in your food that you can't see and if you're someone who goes out to eat and you have there's a hair and you can't eat the entire dish stop going out to eat that it isn't for you make things at home so you can inspect them it's not for you to go out to eat and i know you're like nikki that's not fair i'm just saying like if you took a black light to your meal you would be horrified at what you can –

and people that – I'm not even going to get into it because people start getting mad at me because they're like, I do that and I just don't want to make any more enemies than I have already. But Anya, how do you feel about hair in your food? I feel the same. Like one hair, I'm going to just pull it out and keep going. If there were two or three, I'd be like something's going on with you two two you go okay well there's probably gonna be three then yes if you have two hairs in your food yes send it back um i used to have a joke one of my like earliest jokes was

that someone found a hair in their food and i was like well it is angel hair pasta and our pasta chef esperanza is an angel if you met her. So, you should. Okay. So stupid. I hate myself. All right. So, this one is from to me IRL for me IRL. And it's just like memes and different tweets.

And this is from a tweet from a guy named at my toe cold. My toe cold. It says, I'm sad but not like sad enough to be a good painter or whatever. I just love tweets that sound colloquial, like it sounds like someone's talking. I'm sad, but not like sad enough to be a good painter or whatever. Yes, I relate to that. Okay, so this one was from True Off My Chest. My penis is long, but it's really skinny, like someone glued a Slim Jim to the true off my chest. My penis is long,

but it's really skinny. Like someone glued a slim Jim to the bottom of my torso. We got to change how we measure penises, man. I always feel like I'm lying when I tell a girl I'm eight and a half, but she gets confused when I whip out my Twizzler still though. It's my penis. And I'm glad to have it, even though I'm sure I can break it in half like a Pocky stick.

He said, I'm not going to take a picture. Stop asking. And then he decided to paint, like draw a picture of it. Like I would do my shits on you. Yeah. I still have those saved. And this is it. It's little.

It's very thin. And it has a big head. It looks like a Q-tip. Noah's getting horny. It looks like a Q-tip. Noah's getting horny. It looks like a Q-tip. Yeah, there's no body to scale, so you can't see, but it looks eight and a half inches, but really thin, that would suck.

That would be hard. Have you ever seen anything like that? I just went, you know, micro penis boy, but no. Yeah, micro penis is different. I feel like it's, if that's, but thin, I've never seen that. But more power to you. I've just never seen it before. If it looked like a millipede.

I gotta say, Twizzler is my favorite road trip snack. Really? Your girl's feeling it. Oh my God. Wait, Twizzler is your favorite road trip snack road i always get it when i'm on a road trip i never crave it any other time oh that's interesting in terms of licorice wait what's the other kind of licorice that is more oh um like straw like red vines oh yeah yeah it's gotta be strawberry twizzler i like i like um strawberry twlers, but I like them to be a little bit stale

so they're chewy. Yes, me too. I like that. So this is from Made Me Smile and it's from Glennon Doyle. She wrote that one book called I Can Do Hard Things or whatever. Maybe it's called Brave, but in it she says I can do hard things. Anyway, it says, Hi. Hi. I want to talk like her she's always on instagram really saying like just like sharing a little bit too much you know or she's like i just cried all morning in the bathroom and i just want to say like she's you're always kind of like i liked you better when i thought you were like this perfectly together

like author who you know didn't always look like she had just had a nervous breakdown in a minivan um but i like her realness because um and any realness i don't like about her is a projection of what i don't like in myself we just learned that in the first segment okay so it's hi there's a family next to me at the store i just heard the dad say to his kid well it's brave to go on a roller coaster. And it's also brave to say you don't want to go on a roller coaster. Wanted to tell you something good.

That is good. I liked that. If someone would have told me that as a kid, because I was so scared of roller coasters, but I was more scared of how people would respond if they found out I was scared to go on roller coasters. Because in fifth grade, sixth grade, seventh grade, eighth grade,

I'd say all through middle school on roller coasters because in fifth grade, sixth grade, seventh grade, eighth grade, I'd say all through middle school, roller coasters are like a, like drinking or sex. Like it is like the baddest thing you can do as like a kid is like go on a roller coaster. That means you're bad-ass. It's like getting hyper. It's like,

you know, the cool kids go on roller coasters. You're cool. If you can do that. And if you're scared of things, you're a baby and you're a dork. And I was terrified on roller coasters you're cool if you can do that and if you're scared of things you're a baby and you're a dork and i was terrified of roller coasters and i wish someone would have pinpoint or told me that admitting what you're scared of is actually brave because no one does it that would have maybe helped me if you're a guy with a twizzler dick

yeah if you're a guy scared of roller coasters i don't know yeah i mean i guess it was probably more pressure on men to be like strong and like really scary rides and stuff but i still i don't know chris loves that stuff and i think it's stupid to love that stuff because i don't understand why you want to feel want your body why you want to trick your body into feeling like it's dying yeah we already do that enough with getting laser treatment right yeah i mean that's for a purpose the irony of it really love it is they say that it makes them feel very alive it's the same thing as like base jumpers or any of these guys that just do this stuff it's like yeah it makes you feel alive to cheat death or to have your body convinced that you the endorphins that you get from it i mean i

came on the x factor ride at uh what flags magic mountain there's a roller coaster that made me have an orgasm uh 2007 8 something like that not joking you wow just spontaneous coming and i knew it was one because i'd never had one before. It was like probably my first. It was insane. It was insane. Okay, Noah, will you share one of the videos that I have sent you? Okay, so this is from Funny Videos.

Oh, I love this so much. She is, okay, so she is coming out of anesthesia it's one of these videos where she had her mouth operated on and she's just saying weird shit you know like this is my worst nightmare of what I would say in this state of mind but this girl is so hilarious okay serious

question yeah when was the last time Okay, here is a question. Yeah. When was the last time you ever saw someone do the YMCA? When was the last time I saw someone do what? The YMCA. Do the YMCA? When was the last time you done that? Oh.

It's like you don't even care about the YMCA. So she's crying because her mom or whoever's with her and she's got a gauze in her mouth. She's really serious about it. That makes me feel like, watching that i'm like that's me right before my period aka right like just so irrationally sad about everything and taking everything so personally i'm right there right now i am too our cycles are all sank. I'll be there in like three days. I'm there in two days or maybe tomorrow, God willing, eggs.

And it's like I, yeah, just getting so upset about the dumbest stuff. I can't anymore with these hormones. I can't do it. I can't ride this roller coaster. I'm scared of this roller coaster. And I don't know if it's brave to admit that, but I don't trust my mind anymore. It's only getting worse. I know. How do people regulate? I got to do something about regulating my emotions because I am just so negative some days. Like I just woke up today just feeling so sad and I can't get out of it. And it's not like I can go, I can't do a

podcast today. I can't. And I tried to do affirmations in the mirror. I went to Starbucks and I journaled for three pages. I woke up early because I kind of felt it coming on last night. And I go, I'm going to wake up early because I don't want to go into a podcast in a bad mood tomorrow. And to be honest, I'm not in a bad mood. I'm just still a little bit like agitated about certain things. So maybe it's a little bit, I can't help it though. I'm not trying to be honest I'm not in a bad mood I'm just still a little bit like agitated about certain things so maybe it's a little bit I can't help it though I'm not trying to be this way I think that's something that

we can all relate to we can all relate to being in a bad mood and not being able to get out of it right like why but then why when someone is in a bad mood around us and they don't get out of it is it so fucking annoying? We can't forgive them.

I can't even relate or forgive. Because it's like at us. Because it's at us. I don't actually mind if someone's in a bad mood and it doesn't come out as like short temperedness. If I'm just like, oh, they're having a bad day. That's fine. But if it's like, what? Like if they're being a dick to me.

Oh, yeah. If it's directed at you. Yeah. Yeah. I can't forgive that well even though even though you know it's not really about you you know like i we just don't do well with people being mad at us and i think that's what comes back to this whole thing of me waking up to this text about like people analyzing your life it makes me think that people are mad at me or they secretly they've uncovered why i'm a bad person and they've figured it out.

Like I haven't already figured it out. Like I you know, and then that makes it because people I was texting with the girls chat today about it and trying to work out my feelings about it. And they were like, you know, they gave me back the same advice I give to my friends when they are worried about what other people think about them. And I just say they're going to be vapor someday. Everyone's going to be dead. And all the thoughts that they have about you that might be wrong, or you might want to prove wrong. Their thoughts are going to be vapor. Everything's going to be vapor. Nothing matters. And it wasn't even the problem with my thing wasn't like, I really don't care what other, I guess I don't not care, but it's less about someone being mad at me or

someone not liking me and it's more about them being right like i'm never like i'm they have it wrong i'm a good person i go they're probably right and i'm a bad person it's not like i want to prove them wrong because i don't even that's not even where my mind goes to go like no they don't get it i need to set them straight about what really happened there and they don't even – that's not even where my mind goes to go like, no, they don't get it. I need to set them straight about what really happened there. And they don't know. They're only seeing his side of things. And they don't even know what really happened. And instead, I just go, no, they're right.

I don't even pretend they're not right. I don't even combat it in that way. Yes, I call them a loser on my podcast and try to incite, you know, try to poke that bear even more. But, yeah, I just tend to think they're right. And then that's where I go into this hole. Here's what I have to remedy that. What? And if I open my own therapy center and became a psychiatrist,

this is what I would tell my patients in every session. Who cares? Because think about it. If I go on Reddit and I read about myself, which I never have, and people say something that I fear is actually true. Like, oh, my God, she has such an annoying voice. Or she's not even that great of a singer. Or her songs aren't even that good. Or all my worst fears.

Like, her lyrics don't even make sense. Or whatever. Or, like, she looks like Tom Petty. Like, anything. And I'm like, oh, my God. Tom Petty. Oh,. And I'm like, oh my God. Tom Petty. Oh, I thought you said Tom. What if they're right?

Who cares? What if they are right? I haven't seen it. Does it mean that I have to believe them? No. And what if it's true that I look like Tom Petty and my lyrics are bad and I can't really sing? So what? Right. Well, my thing is I care because I don't want to. So what? Right.

Well, my thing is I care because I don't want to be a bad person in this world. And I feel like bad people just are drains on society. And so it makes me want to kill myself. But what if you... So it makes me want to just eliminate myself from the world. Like what if you are a bad person? Like lean into it.

Well, that's what I'm saying. I wouldn't be able to help it. There's nothing I can really do about it if I are a bad person like lean into it well that's what i'm saying i i wouldn't be able to help it there's nothing i can really do about it if i'm a bad person but then it just makes me upset that i got dealt this shitty hand it comes back to like why did my parents have sex and make something like me why didn't they just okay so then what something like me coming back around i'm doing the teal swan technique to you. I just realized. And then what? So what? Lean into it. And then what?

Well, then if I'm a bad person, then I have to give up. Like, I should give up veganism. I should give up being an aunt. I like, I should just lean into being a horrible person and being selfish. But then that's not what I want to do. And so I guess, I guess I don't really know what – you could keep doing that all day, but I guess I just feel like a fraud and that people see into it. Okay, and so then if it's true, if everything they say is true,

then I have no respect for anyone who's gotten to me to where I am. I have no respect for my loved ones who love me and think I'm great. I have no respect for my family who made me and think that I'm great. If what they're saying about me is true, then everyone who likes me is wrong, and I don't really want to be friends with them anymore, and I don't want them in my life because they're wrong, and they're just lying to me.

Here's something for you to think about. What do you do for that? Okay, so you don't read the comment. You don't know exactly what is said. It's your mind that's telling you what all these bad things you don't know exactly what is said it's it's your mind that's that's telling you what all these bad things are i'm usually pretty right yes okay you're setting the terms of what makes you a bad person and your brain is trying to find all those links so if you can just kind of like say to yourself okay well let me go over is this true

no because i am this way i'm compassionate i went and i bought this cat two cans of food whereas someone who is less you know kind-hearted would just keep walking and say oh well that's going to be you know like who cares it's just a street cat right like you are able to dispel the things that your primitive brain is telling you where it's just like you're bad you're bad but you're setting those terms it's not the comments because you don't know what the comments are actually saying yes i don't i will reiterate that i will never look at anything and i would encourage no one to look on it at it on my behalf to go defend me like it's no point in talking to these people and i don't even want you to read it people who like me and are like what are they saying about

her because honestly it will poison you to not like me you think that it won't and you'll be like no i like you no matter what nikki it will poison you you will kind of see something that they're saying and it'll make you just look at me differently and if you want that then fine but i'm telling you that's what happens even if these people are just you know egomaniacal trolls. That's what does. It all really comes down to your relationship with yourself, which is piggybacking off what Noah said. So like, no matter, this is why I love Byron Katie,

who talks about like, is it true? Is it true? And like being unoffendable, basically, like, you know, if someone said the worst thing to her ever,

like she'd probably be like, I could see some truth to that. But ultimately it doesn't really matter because your relationship with yourself and your knowledge of yourself is the primary thing yes okay it's bad though when you do have a bad relationship with yourself yeah so then that's the thing that needs nurturing. And that's the thing that needs work more than trying to figure out how to make other people happy. And that's why I stand in the mirror. I approve of myself all day long. I approve of myself.

And I didn't do it that much this weekend because I was too busy. So I just got to get back on that. And then I will feel better across the board. I also took Lion's Mane supplement this morning. I don't recommend that. It has changed nothing for me. It was supposed to give me like a pep in my step and like a better outlook on life.

It has not. It's bullshit. Amazon, you know, sold me a raw deal or maybe they're just bad supplements, but Lion's Mane does not change your life or eliminate your problems. What's it supposed to help? It's supposed to help with ADD and just give you energy and make you mentally focused.

It's supposed to help with all that. My friend Elon Gold, comedian, was like, it'll change your life. And I was like, yes. It's a mushroom, right? Yeah, it's a kind of mushroom. Oh, I've heard of this. Lion's Mane. Yeah, I don't recommend it. It, it's a kind of mushroom. Oh, I've heard of this. Lion's Mane. Yeah, I don't recommend it.

It didn't do anything for me today. But I am back on track of drinking a lot of water because I've realized all I drink is Zevia soda. Literally, that's all I drink. And so I'm trying to drink more water. These are the kinds of resolutions that I have. Watch more Downton Abbey-type shows. Watch more alone. Sp spend more time in nature I think that is something I'm definitely getting into of just like because

I've been working on a treadmill recently and they have the little sim stimulate simulation simulated runs and walks and stuff and a lot of them have been going through nature and I'm like I want to go to this place but it's in my small gym on a little screen And even that is being like Okay I can see how this would work And I try to like get closer to the screen So I can immerse myself in it And maybe make it like an IMAX experience

Or like you know virtual reality But it doesn't work that way So watching the show alone And also on that treadmill Has been encouraging me to get out more But then when I step outside Without my headphones on A cat asks me for help.

And then I get sad that the world is so cruel and little cats have to give birth in the cold in the bushes. All right, guys, that's the podcast today. Thank you, Anya, for being here. Thank you, Noah. We look forward to all so much fun in this new year with the podcast. And thank you guys for listening today. And tomorrow will be a better day for me.

I can't wait to hear from you and see you then. Don't be cut. Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money Podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it.

For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews

and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world

of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by

traditional patriarchal norms. Tune in and join the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

or wherever you get your podcasts. People, my people, what's up? This is Questlove. Man, I cannot believe we're already wrapping up another season of Questlove Supreme. Man, we've got some amazing guests lined up to close out the season. But, you know, I don't want any of you guys to miss all the incredible conversations we've had so far.

I mean, we talked to A. Marie, Johnny Marr, E., Jonathan Schechter, Billy Porter, and so many more. Look, if you haven't heard these episodes yet, hey, now's your chance. You've got to check them out. Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.