The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #306 On Clock Watch

Episode Date: January 5, 2023

It seems like a strange phenomena of family members not hiring babysitters is happening. Nikki has been noticing this as she has been assigned babysitter duties today for her nephew and niece. She realizes why she'd enjoy cold plunges, an achievement in a small amount of time. Anya explains what women do at Korean Day Spas and why she likes it. It doesn't sit well with Nikki and neither does sex trafficking. They all take a quick look at an article about why men become gynecologists following yesterday's conversation. In the Final Thought, marine biology! ------------------------------   Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Get Pod Merch: Podshop.NikkiGlaser.com Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Anya's Patreon: patreon.com/anyamarina   More Nikki: IG More Anya: IG More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Emi Olea, host of the podcast Crumbs. For years, I had to rely on other people to tell me my story. And what I heard wasn't good.

You really f***ed last night. It felt like I lived most of my life in a blackout. I was trapped in addiction. You had to grab the lamp and smash it against the walls. And then I decided I wanted to tell my own story. Listen to Crumbs on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. Welcome to the show. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. Welcome to the show. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. I'm just going to make sure all these video cameras are recording.

Because, yep, I did it. That's ADD for you. You think you did something and then you convince yourself you didn't do it. If you didn't know, we're on YouTube. You can watch the show and check out what we're wearing, what we're not wearing. How much my face looks tired. the show and check out what we're wearing what we're not wearing how much my face looks tired like you can predict how long ago it was since I got up things like that today I'm doing pretty good I got up super early because I was

like so sad yesterday huh what's going on with your day today cuz we have to record a little bit earlier than usual yeah so we had to get record early today. So like just to be completely honest, not that it's like we would ever hide this, but I don't know why I'm acting like it would be some secret that we're recording early. To be fully transparent. It is the day of still. Anya Marine is here. Hello.

Noah is here. Hi, hi. It's 8.45 in the morning or 8.54 in the morning to be exact. I just never want to lie to you guys. Central time zone. Noah, is it 6.54 where you are? Seven. Okay.

Yeah, I never know what Arizona does. I know they don't budge. That's all I know. Yeah, so one hour behind you. Okay, cool. Well, does that mean then that it's's getting like since you guys don't do daylight saving not saving saving like this morning did you know that you can find out when the sun rises and sets do you know how the quickest way to find that out no put your finger in your butt

yes it is it is a sundial it's an indoor sundial. The quickest way, which I didn't know, is to pull up your weather app on your iPhone. Oh, yes. Cheat. And it just says it. It will always say it on there. Like, you know, how you, like, scroll through the day. And it will always say. And it's really interesting to pay attention to it, which I always do because I go running.

I always wait to run until the last second. And I don't like to run too much after nightfall. Knocked full. always wait to run till the last second and i don't like to run too much after nightfall um knocked full and so um but this morning i got up because i wanted to go for a run in the park early but the sun didn't rise until 7 18 i got up at 7 it was pitch dark outside still is it is it dark at 7 there noah yes so now it gets the i think the sun comes out like at 720 yeah that's bullshit that's too and then that sun sets if the sun is gonna set sooner it should come up sooner too i thought that was the whole idea but i'm never up early enough to know that it's not coming up too soon yeah it's crazy so anyway file a complaint i know with who god mother mother nate mother mother nate um

so yeah we're recording early because i have to babysit i don't have to i get to babysit my niece and nephew not forest he's the youngest one have did you guys see the video I posted of Forrest on my Reels on Instagram? Yes. It was so cute. Yeah, because I was just filming Poppy and Arlo fighting over some toy, and my dad going, give her a chance. You got to see that family dynamic that we talked about yesterday of my dad just kind of muttering something that's already clear what's happening. And then you see me kind of notice.

I'm filming them, and then you see me notice For of notice. I'm filming them. And then you see me notice Forrest crawls into the kitchen. And I go, hi, Crawley. Which I was thinking of Claire Crawley from The Bachelorette. He looks like her. That's why I call him that. No. It was just he was crawling. So I go, hi, Crawley.

And then I zoom over the camera. And I just think it's going to be him crawling. Which it is. But he just looks up and he already has a smile on his face and it's so freaking cute. I can't stop watching it. I feel like I'm turning into one of those people that just like thinks their nephews and nieces or their own kids are like cuter than the rest. And then you post and you're like, this is kind of a not great.

Like there's this, I won't name who, but there's this comedian right now that Chris and I are 100% obsessed with. Anya was over at my house the other night with all the girls, and we made her and Kirsten, everyone watched this show, and, like, forced this, like, weird sketch show upon them. And I love it so much. And then you watched this, I also, i wanted to watch everything this person had done and then i was watching some

late night appearances that they had done and they were just like my daughter's really funny too and then they like played a video of their daughter and it was just like crickets like it was just not funny and not that cute or anything. And it was just, there was one video, like he did it on two different shows. And there was one where I was like, okay,

I see something. The other one, I was like, this is awkward. Like everyone has to pretend this kid's cute. So I kind of felt like that with the forest thing, but it's just, I keep watching it.

It makes me feel so good. So I guess he's in daycare. And then I love his old man sweater in that video yeah it is it was from old navy too um where it looks like it's made of wood yeah he's so cute doesn't look that cozy for a little baby to wear like thick a wool sweater you'd maybe wear on the show alone um so are the kids coming to your place yes matt my brother-in-law is going to drop them off at 10 and so and they're very excited and i'm like temper that kids because i don't need a sitter or is this like an experiment or what no they need one because my parents

aren't available to do it and there's this new thing where like i don't know chris and i both are experiencing this with our nieces and nephews they don't have babysitters everyone just relies on moms and dads and there's no what happened to babysitters and the parents go village well the parents go well my kids are just gonna freak out if there's a babysitter. Yeah, it's scary. The first time your parents leave you with a stranger, it's scary. But I was getting left with babysitters when I was three, two, three, like from the get-go. And I just think that I'm sure people listening relate like either you're being called upon to watch kids and you don't get paid, by the way. Family doesn't get paid.

And we wouldn't want to be. Like I don't want to be compensated. But what happened to babysitters? There's this new thing of like, and my mom goes, we don't know. Lauren doesn't know how to find one. And I go, how did you find one in 1986? There's apps now. There was just the white pages. Yeah, there was nothing then there was just word of mouth from your neighbor down the street who knew some pedophile that offered their services. Ask Linda. Now everything has been, there's references, there's apps, there's services. There's so many babysitters. I know cost is one thing of it, but I always just say like, what if they didn't have it?

Like what would they do? What if they didn't have my parents? So I'm happy to do it. But so I'm babysitting, which is what I did for most of my life before comedy took over. That's all I did for a job. I did a little temping here and there, but I was mainly a babysitter when I was living in LA and all through high school and like not during college but after college and I hated it so much I hated it did you guys babysit yes my next door neighbor showed me his little wiener I just remember being like 11 and watching him and he was like this is my penis and i was traumatized because he was only like two years younger than me i think like why am i babys like why is a 10 year old babysitting

an eight year old yeah that doesn't check out that gets into some murky territory he actually went to jail for robbery and maybe rape wow i'm not even joking yeah yeah yeah yeah okay well not my wish him and his family a lot of luck unfortunate circumstances yeah whatever happened that day with anya definitely traumatized him the rest of his life but i babysat my sister's best friend who's still a very good friend and i think i did a good job with her her parents were very strict she was an only child she had to play cello all the time and i just let her do anything because she was a an only child. She had to play cello all the time. And I just let her do anything because she was a crazy only child that like the second her parents, her parents were like, like, and she just went completely 180 the other way. She's so cool.

She's been arrested for burglary and possible rape. All her kids have like long hair. They're all beach kids. She consciously decided to be the opposite. But I remember just way. Yeah, I let her eat anything she wanted. We just had so much fun. It was great. Yeah, I when it comes to like my niece and nephew, I want them to be the best people that they can grow into. And I know that I'm going to like, be around their them a long time. So I don't want to either be a boring aunt or an aunt that just lets them watch TV because I just want to have their minds be as pliable and, you know, stimulated as possible. But at the same time, TV is not that bad. And it is such a nice thing to be able to

have when you're babysitting. I used to always let kids watch TV so much. There's only so much you can do with them. I'm looking for things to do. I was thinking of going to Target and saying you can have any toy in the entire building. You get to pick out one toy. Because kids have, at their age, five and three, no concept of money, right? So they're not, if I was, if you're seven, you go, okay, I'm going to get the most expensive thing. I know where to go with the electronics where things are like locked up but arlo and poppy they're gonna just to have any to

get to choose anything they're gonna pick just something yeah they're they're gonna pick something either big that is probably cheap or like a ball or something or like a little like barbie doll and barbies are cheap so i think that's gonna be a fun thing i know that that's like spoiling them no you should give them a time limit. Because then they're not going to be able to decide what they want. And they'll keep showing it to you. No, but I want to eat up time, man. Like I want, I'd love to stay in Target for like two hours.

That would be nice for me. Because you've got a four hour countdown, right? Four hour, yes. And speaking of countdowns, that's all you do when you're babysitting is look at the fucking clock. Oh, my God. I was just reminiscing of that. I was like, oh, my God, I know today is going to be clock watch. I'm going to be like NASA or, you know, New Year's Eve, Dick Clark, just constantly watching that clock. I'm sure teachers were that way.

Like in high school, teachers are probably like, what the fuck am I going to do today? Put a movie yes i mean they but they have hour chunks that they gotta fill and they have lesson plans i think for kids i'm just gonna watch put on pokemon and watch arlo likes to watch autistic men draw pokemon i just i just guess that they're autistic because they're just you just see their hand and they just draw pokemon it's kind of sped up ited up. It is like very soothing and fascinating. So I'll probably put on that. Also, there's this new show called Bluey.

It's not new. But it's been around a while. It's called Bluey. And it's about a dog and his family. And people that don't have kids are obsessed with it. Like adults are like really loving Bluey. I read something about it recently in some, you know, Vulture or something like that. And I am someone that was like, in eighth grade, I was really into Blue's Clues.

I don't know why. I just loved it. I thought it was adorable. It was soothing to me. So I think I'm really going to get into the show Bluey because if adults already are on board with it, and it's not like they have adult jokes in it that they're like nodding at adults. There are certain shows like that, like the Fairly Odd Parents. I remember that used to have a lot of jokes. SpongeBob, obviously. Pee-wee's Playhouse. But Bluey, if you're into Bluey, let me know because I really want, I'm going to check

it out today. So maybe put that on. What about Rachel, that woman that Sarah Lena's been watching a lot of? She's all over the place now. She's like blew up. Oh, okay. The Rachel on YouTube. Yes.

Miss Rachel. Something like that. Yeah. Sarah Lena sent us clips and I was not even about to watch that. I was like, I can't. I assume it's a woman with a high-pitched voice that's counting things. Right? And now we're going to count to 10, Nikki.

One. It is a little like that. There's like if all else fails, you could just make videos for kids. Yes. That's what I think sometimes is like if all else fails, I can just be like in front of a camera going like. One. Two. Three.

Popsicles. I mean, isn't that just Instagram? Yeah. Honestly. Hi, guys. I I'm just gonna play a couple songs for you now I feel that way wait who are you following I'm just doing my own story

my live me on live I'm doing a Patreon show tonight and then I thought maybe I'll do an Instagram live while I'm doing it and try to recruit some new people yes absolutely you have followers that like your music and then I thought maybe I'll do an Instagram live while I'm doing it and try to recruit some new people. Yes, absolutely. You have followers that like your music. If they're bored, they'll tune into the Instagram live. If they don't want to watch it, they'll leave.

It's not, it's so low presh. And I'll just like live stream Bluey in the background just in case they're bored. No, here's the ticket. Cover up the number at the top. Put a little piece of tape on the top of your phone. Because if you can see the number, you'll be obsessed with it. And you'll be like, only 47 people.

Only 32 people. Oh, my God. After that song, I lost 15 people. It's like, if you remove the number, it does not matter. And then you cancel out of it. And you don't even know. And it's beautiful. And don't read the comments.

Because then I'll be like, oh, I got to answer that person in Kansas that's asking about X, Y, and Z. Yeah, just let the comments go. They start talking to themselves. You can't sing your own lyrics. It's hard to look at lyrics. It's hard to read comments and also sing. I'm too busy looking at the guitar neck anyway.

So that won't be my problem. Right, because you're all over the neck. I just play. I just – you don't capo as much. You'll go down the neck and, like, figure out how to do that C-sharp minor or whatever. Oh, you stay in one area. That's maybe the smarter way. Well, capo just makes it so it's simple chord shapes in one area.

And you're going – And it's just like, well, i would have to look at the neck too it's so confusing um so i'm gonna hang out with the kids today and then i have a lasik appointment to see if i'm too old to do that um and that'll be exciting i'm trying to just get my all my ducks in a row freeze Freeze my eggs. Laser my eyes. Maybe they could reverse that. What do you mean? Freeze your eyes and laser your eggs. Did you ever think about doing LASIK?

I'm farsighted or whatever it's called where you need readers. Oh, yeah. And that just started. But before that, you never had bad vision? No. God, how do people have good vision? Do your parents have good vision? Did you grow up with parents who needed glasses?

Yeah, everyone had good vision. That's the one genetically great thing I have. Everything else is like strep throat and smoker's lung. Well, I think one of those is caused by something. Yeah, my parents. Wait, what? Noah, do you have bad vision in your family? Yeah.

Well, my dad surprisingly still has good vision but everyone else and my sister has good vision i'm that bitch but yeah i would love to do lasik but like eye stuff really just creeps me out so you don't wear contact lenses i do i i can do contact how can you do that if i stuff creeps you out i mean that's that for people with eye stuff they're like i can't put my finger in my eye well for me it's just more about like the that clamp i think from like a clockwork orange i was traumatized from that scene where he like gets his eye clamped open yeah i just i don't know okay i never even know what happens in that scene i do know that that is a reference from it and i

reference it often for some reason off oh because my mom can never keep her eyes open in pictures so we do this thing now if you are someone that has a family member or you are someone that you keep your always eyes are closed in pictures which is a common thing for people you do a countdown you close your eyes and then you do three, two, one, open. Instead of trying to just keep them open during, not going to work. And it really works for my mom. She looked amazing in these pictures this weekend. And then one time my sister and I clockwork orange her

and just held her eyes open. Each of us took one eye. It's a hilarious picture. Remember the other day in the hotel or wherever you were where you couldn't get the contact out of your eye? I'm dying to know. Oh, God. Did you ever where you couldn't get the contact out of your eye? I'm dying to know. Oh, God. Did you ever find it or was it an illusion of a contact?

Yeah, there was no contact. It fell out. I found it later. So I thought I put it in and it didn't put in. And then all day I was like, you know, because sometimes if you're a contact worrer, you just know that sometimes it'll kind of drift to the side and you'll have one eye that just is kind of not and then you're like oh or i put it in backwards or it has like some fucking dust on it or something and so i just but instead it was just my eye and i kept just pulling at my eye skin it was terrible sorry noah but the lasik i've always been worried about but i'm so excited to like wake

up in the morning and just see because if there are days where I don't put in contacts because I'm just not in the mood or my eyes need a rest because they're feeling like I wore contacts too much the day before. If I just wear glasses all day, I feel sick. There's just something. I feel like the world is a little bit blurrier. I feel like glasses make me feel like I'm just, I have a day off and I'm just kind of like, it feels like I'm in a dream state. And so contacts always make me feel like, okay, we're up and running. This is the day. It's like coffee for my eye. And so I think if I was to wake up every morning and have perfect vision, it would give me a boost out of bed because there's this, just being blurry when I wake up

in the morning starts me off on a weird foot. My friend said it was the best thing he ever did for himself. There's also, you know, there's fears though, because there's always like those fringe stories of like, and I lost my vision, but there's always going to be that for everything. And by and large, and Taylor Swift has done it. So if she's done it, I'm going to do it. So I'm going to get the LASIK test today. And I have a lot more planned today. I'll tell you about it when we get back from break. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year.

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We're back from the break. Did you guys have a good relaxing one? I feel rejuvenated. Right. I took a cold shower this morning too because I was like, I'm just doing everything to feel better because I'm a day away from starting my P-Rod. And I am so sensitive to everything. I'm crying about everything. I'm just, well, not crying, but I cried last night because I was able to talk to someone about my feelings. And like the only way to cry is to talk

to someone who's like kind of pitying you. And so I was able to cry, but I've just been like an open wound. And so I, and I also on Instagram, I'm just constantly inundated with people telling you how to live a better life. And it's too much.

I don't think it's helping anymore. All of these, like all of these posts about how to, you need to get more sunlight. I'm talking to you, Andrew Huberman. I can't stand it anymore. You in that black room. Is he that really good looking guy? Yes. Yes. He my god one that like is very serious about he's like a physicist yes he's very smart and he does a podcast about the

huberman lab and he's always on there i mean i listen to his stuff so it's always showing up the algorithm knows that i listen to him but i only listen i don't do what he says but it's like he he put up a whole system for like living the best life and it's getting like 30 minutes of sun on your face, like looking up at the sun. No sunglasses. Yeah.

And open your eyes really wide. Yeah, with clamps. Yeah, hold your eyes open with clamps. Stare at an eclipse. And maybe the sun will give you Lik who knows yeah um so you got to do that and my whole house is tinted windows because when we did the reality show for the cameras they needed to sit the windows so all of my plants were dying and i didn't know why and then at one point i was like oh wait these windows are getting no UV lights.

And so I'm like, I have not been getting any UV light. My whole apartment has these beautiful windows. Like it's very well lit, but it's all filtered. And so I got to rip those off and I got to go stand out in the sun and just like look up at it more often. But he also says cold plunges are huge. And you know, I watched a video of Joe Rogan

doing that the other day. I would love to have like an ice bath like Joe Rogan's where he takes the top off and he goes off and he just sits in it for like three minutes. And I would love that. I really want to get one because I feel like it does. I like when I've accomplished something that is very hard. Yeah, you would be the perfect candidate for those. Because you'd be like, I got down to even colder last night. You'd be like competing with yourself.

Or just like longer. Or like there's a countdown too. And it's over. And it's quick. It's not like it's a 45-minute workout. Kill me. I don't want to do 45 minutes or 50 minutes. The what?

The death is quick too. No, I think it's probably a slow death. You know when you die of hypothermia, you'd strip off all your clothes because you get super overheated right before you die. I think that's one of the most fascinating facts ever. Yeah. Most people they find that have died in cold weather

that have gotten stuck or are walking, they're always naked because the last minutes your body thinks it's burning alive and you strip off all your clothes so it's this like paradox of being high of hypoxia it makes you just get naked and they always find them naked and i'm sure they were very confused by it until you know science came out um and so i i did the cole's shower today so i went and i i worked out this morning and working out i just want to say it was walking on a fucking treadmill don't get excited don't be like don't compare yourself to me and be like i didn't do anything i literally walked

leisurely on a treadmill for 30 minutes it was nothing and it was very hard to do because 30 minutes is even way too long to ask me to do anything. It's too long. That's why I like an ice bath, three minutes in and out. You can't, if anything's three minutes, it's fast. I want fast workouts. Not that it's a workout, but it does feel like it because all your muscles tense. So anyway, I got done with that. And then I went and I just turned on the shower and left it on cold and got in there. And I couldn't put my, I mean, I didn't wash my hair because I washed it yesterday and I didn't want to redo it. So I didn't like immerse myself, but oh, I was going like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

And I like, I was like, oh, I can't do this every, because I was like, I'm going to do this every morning. And I go, I can't because I'll wake up my boyfriend if he's sleeping because it makes you go, oh, oh, oh, oh. It sounds like I'm doing voice exercises, but it was, it does make, and it makes you, you talk about fast shower. I already shower so fast. I was in and out in 45 seconds. Cause it was just, I would like, you know, step out of it and scrub myself and then step into it to like wash it off. And it did did like wake me up it did make me feel alive it

made me feel like i did something that was hard and i felt accomplished so that felt really good so i do recommend it nice job i love everything now that's like trendy and you know for self-care is just stuff that my russian ancestors did in you know leningrad or whatever that was cheap because they were poor. It's just like, put your baby in the snow. Get to an ice bath. My grandmother was always talking about ice baths when I was growing up. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And now it's like-

About ice baths? Yeah. Now there are like $8,000 workshops to learn how to do an ice bath with a famous guy on Instagram. Did they know that they were good for your health? Or were they just doing it because they didn't have hot water? Russians know everything. Have you ever been to a Russian bathhouse? No, they knew it was good for your health.

No. Have you been to a Russian bathhouse? Yeah. Yeah, they beat you with Oakleys. And was it cold? They do both. I think it's like Echinacea. With Oakleys?

With a pair of sunglasses? Oh, yeah. Maybe it's Echinacea. It's in the 90s. The oak leaves have like little thorns on them. It was something, birch leaves maybe? I forget. One of those Russian trees.

I've never been to a bathhouse situation because I just feel like everyone who works in it is like a slave. I just feel like when people are like, we got to go to the Korean spas. I feel like there's places where people have sex and like there's shady things going on. Oh, okay. Like they're having to give hand jobs in other rooms. They have to. I just think it's.

I think there are other spas. I've never wanted to go to one. I want to go to a spa where I'm being focused on and it's not like all hands on deck for a bunch of women in a room it just feels it feels gross to me it feels like and i'm not a germ person but everyone's always like we got to go to the korean spa and i've always been like um did you guys hear about like the world's ending soon like i always change the subject so quickly because i don't want to go to a korean spa what is it fun subject change i used to go obsessively Korean spa. What is it? Fun subject change. I used to go obsessively all the time in LA to this one place and they sadly closed.

It was very clean, amazingly cheap, $90 for, you could go all day. But that's what I'm saying. $90 to go all day? If you want. Or for an hour. That's too cheap. Slavery is happening in there. Maybe.

What do you do in there all day? It seems so boring. Well, I have religious experiences when I get massages, and they really work you, so they would do a body scrub. First I would go, you shower. Everything is pristinely clean, so it feels really nice. They give you slippers.

You never touch the tile floor. Who's watching you shower? All the women. Are you in a room with a bunch of women yeah it's like a huge locker room so you have to get completely naked in front of a bunch of women you don't have to i'm already out but okay it's great how do you know i would give a shit i'd be looking at everyone's body so if i'm there i give a shit i'm staring at your butt they might give you a cursory glance but they're over it okay it's all they see so there's maybe an equinox i would have my own stall i don't like this like showering with everyone and i'm not someone who's that insecure about my body naked but i just so everyone's just get you get in and then you get naked with everyone i honestly i'm not i'm sorry to say this it gives me holocaust vibes

the whole idea like what i picture these places a little different naked women kind of like shivering being brought from room to room not really knowing what next room has it and like it just gives me it gives me sad vibes we're paying for this experience though you're not okay so then you take a shower and then what do you do then you get into a hot tub hang out they're gonna call your name in like 20 minutes or whatever they're gonna call your number in 20 minutes everything is in korean so you're the only caucasian girl there probably or like one of two well that again i don't want to do that because i feel like i'm now i'm appropriating their culture and i'm like this white girl that's like annoying everyone and i don't know the customs but it's great that's another thing that i fear going abroad i just don't

want to bother other places like i have to go on this european tour and that's why they're broke now because you didn't go and that's's why they closed. Right. They need your business. Yeah. Okay. Keep going. So they call your number. They call your number. I'm in the green tea hot sauna or the hot tub. Then you can go into the red tea hot tub.

How do you know? How do you know that these are what they are? That's what it says on them. It's like, this is the green tea hot tub. And they say shower between hot tubs. What does that even mean? I don't know. How do you know which one you like or which one, what are they even for? It just feels kind of different on your skin.

Then you take the cold plunge. And how did you know about this place? My friend told me about it years ago in LA. And I was like, oh my god, incredible. It sounds like a sex club. It sounds underground. Okay. Keep going. Then you can go in the sauna. I want to look into why it got shut down. I want to look into why it got shut down. I want to look into

why it got shut down. I feel like nefarious things were happening. It was during COVID. I think it was during COVID. Sure. Okay. Okay. Keep going. Then you're in the sauna. Inevitably, there's one anorexic woman in there who will bum out your whole day because she's like 80 pounds rubbing herself like with sweat and you're like oh honey go home get out of here get some help get into a 12-step program something then they're like 78 and you're like that's me and then that's her weight they weigh you then you go yay i dropped two pounds then you go into the massage area all the women are like mid 40s over it but like what's up get on the bed and then they just treat you like a piece of meat but gently

no no no you need to back up you go into so you get called you go into a room and there's multiple women in that room yeah just. Just looking at you waiting. On massage. What do you mean all massaging people? How many on one bed? Seven beds or eight beds, let's say. Do they tell you which bed to go on? And it's all in like a locker area.

So there's, they are throwing water on you. Like it's like a huge shower with eight beds in a shower. And they're like, go shower. So you shower again. You've had like seven showers at this point. So you're totally clean. When do you get de-loused? Just kidding.

I'm just comparing it again to the camps. Okay. They dry you off. They oil you up. And then they cover your face. Are they mad at you? Is there a vibe of like they don't – they're kind of ups there's like slapping and no no it's more like lie down it's okay okay i'm gonna put cold cucumber shavings on your face and you're like oh oh and it's like

freezing cold that cucumber that's been in ice they shave it on your face and pack it on i love and then they just like oil you up and then you're like, this is kind of hot and great. There's nothing sexual about it. They give you like a full bottom massage. And you're completely naked? Turn over. That's the only English they know. Completely naked. Unless you're a weirdo and you're

not. But like everyone is naked. And they put a little towel on your privates. Okay. For some decency. Yeah, they do put like a washcloth or something and how many hours has it been now it's only been it's been like 20 minutes you can arrive half an hour before your appointment and that's what i used to do to just get in some of the hot and then the appointment is the massage and then after the massage you can just hang out back in the tea tubs.

In the sauna. There's also a really nice room where you watch Korean soap operas. And there's like a restaurant and they can like bring you your food. This is some place you've got to go with friends, though. Babe, this is just like the foot rub place we go to, but way higher end with like other options. Or in and out in an hour and we're constantly being touched. We don't just sit there and like breathe in steam and like have to like. don't like having when we go when i go to get a massage and they go yeah you can come in and check in an hour early and just get some tea and wait in this room yeah i'm always just like no i just want to go and get massaged and leave i don't want to sit around

in a room that smells good i get but i guess that's women that are just trying to escape their kids or something i agree that seems boring to me that's why i like this where it's like get into a scalding hot hot tub of green tea and then jump into one that's red and then jump into the cold plunge and take a shower wash your hair and then have a great scrub and then a full on massage for an hour. Wait, they scrub you and massage you? First, they scrub you, every part of you. Sometimes I'd be like, can you do it lighter? Like they would scrub off little like skin tags I had.

Like sometimes I would come out of there with like little injuries. Whoa. And then, but then the massage is amazing. They're great. And it's all tons of oil and you're just like like you're in another zone and then you leave and you're like i had seven great epiphanies in there about my career love life changes i need to make in my life and now i feel great okay so why don't we have these in every city why is there not st louis one i've convinced you yeah now i want to start

one why are they only in L.A.? They hate Jews there, and it is part of the Holocaust. I don't know. And why are they so secret? Everyone's always like, you've got to go to this Korean spa. There is a large Korean population in L.A. But why are they so secret? Why aren't they just advertised more?

I feel like it's always like this elite level of white women. Because white people ruin everything. What? Because white people ruin everything. So one white person goes in and is like, this is cool. You told me they went under because I didn't go. So I don't know what to do about any of this. I don't know why that one went under.

I suspect it was COVID. But the longer it was around the more white people showed up and the lamer it got i have to say it was just like you look asian so they were like maybe i thought you were you could pass because many people have thought you were asian before that's so nice um i just yeah by the the stuff, Nikki, that you talk about like blowjobs and all of that, I have a friend who goes to those kinds of spas and you just kind of like know which ones they are. And I'm always like fascinated

and like I get to ask him all these questions like, how do you know which guy is into it? Like how do they know? Because basically, I mean, the stories that he tells me, I think you would really, really love. Oh yeah. So he's a guy that goes and gets I think you would really, really love. Oh, yeah. So he's a guy that goes and gets handjobs and stuff and gets sex. Oh, my God.

Like him and his boyfriend go there and they just have a lot of fun with strangers and it's all like consensual. Oh, yeah, like gay bathhouses. Yes, yes, yes. And those were huge in the 80s and 90s too. I think they're not as much anymore. But yeah, I mean even talking about ones that, I mean, I have a friend who went to one in China

and she got her asshole fingered. And then I have another friend that got her asshole fingered at a massage. Because some of these places, that is where women do go for that kind of service, I guess. I don't know. i'm just suspicious of i just don't want to go to a place where sexual favors are being dealt out even if they're not to me and they're like oh good a woman's here i don't have to finger anyone they can sniff that out though like they won't like if if someone comes in they and this is what i asked

my friend like how do you know that someone walking in is going to be into touching your dick and he's like yeah they have a vibe like we can all tell who's there for that and who's there and we can't do it around easy there's like this sexual undercurrent that i am not on the wavelength of that where people are just like i knew he wanted to fuck me i'm just like i have never once never thought a guy wanted to fuck me unless it was like he told me he wanted to fuck me i've never been like we just both knew like ever and i think there's some women that just i was watching this really sad show the other day on youtube called the soft white underbelly and it's this guy that just interviews people on skid row and just like fascinating people that

have really sad stories and he was interviewing this woman that was sex trafficked and it's one of the worst stories i've ever heard it was so fucking sad and um and she was like yeah i just always every single every single person every single man i've ever known i've just always been sexualized since i was like as early as i can remember everyone around me and she wasn't right she was raised in Detroit like and you know not a bad part of it and she was like just my neighbors everyone like I just was always sexualized and I just I can't even imagine what that would feel like at 11 to feel like people want to fuck you like I just and I know that some people relate to that I just don't understand I've never been on that wavelength of picking that up. I'm sure it's happened where gross old men are sexualizing me at a young age, but I just didn't pick up on it. The saddest thing that I learned from this, though, that she met a guy. Her parents kind

of abandoned her. She was hanging with the wrong crowd. Eventually, she got introduced to this guy that was like listen i'll take care of you he's really nice and she was like i dealt with a lot of like bad people and he was just had a different swagger about him he was just calm he didn't have the he didn't have the look of someone who was gonna abuse me because i'd been around it so much i just knew and so she trusted this guy he's like i'll buy you new clothes all the stuff she's 13 and she goes to this house where she's gonna live because this guy is gonna like give her a new life and is really like you know i've got your back buys her all these new clothes and then one day is like i gotta test you out and she's like what he's like come on i have to test you out and she's like has no

idea what's even happening and he's like you think I just bought all this stuff for free for you? No, you're going to have to work. And so that was the day she was tested out. And then soon what they did was, and this is happening in every city. It's happening in St. Louis. You know, there's any kind of like motels by airports. This is what's happening. And she said that she just was taking this motel

and she lived with all these other girls that were all trafficked. They were all 13 to 16. And they would go to these hotels and they would rent a room and they would all stay in this room for like days on end, just sleeping there.

And then they would rent another room where they would do their tricks. Not magic tricks, I'll tell you that. It wasn't like, oh, where'd the penny go? It's like, oh, where did my innocence go into this fucking man's asshole? percent of the men who obviously knew i was a 13 year old or at least somewhere around there looked like normal men that wore dockers and boat shoes that drove in from the suburbs to go to this motel and they would often go with their friends and 95 of the time they had a wedding ring and they had like she was like they all looked like my uncle who has a family they always did and they were fucking 13 year olds. So it just made me realize that's happening all the time. I would, if I could have any wish fulfilled,

this is a hundred percent true. I mean, this is above, um, you know, solving climate change, solving, you know, world hunger. If I could have one wish fulfilled, it's that if you have fucked an underage girl, you have a bubble over your head that says I fucked an underage girl. And you have to, every time you walk around, it's just floating over your head and everyone knows it. That is my dream. It would be my dream for one day to see,

and that person wouldn't know that they had it. Because I guarantee you, your neighbors, your uncles, your brother, like you, this underground sex industry is so much worse than anyone thinks it is. These men and men who are going in to get your, sorry, your husband or probably your husband's best friend. There's a 90% chance that your husband or someone that your husband knows, that someone that you know goes regularly to get happy ending massages.

And I know you go, no, no one I know would do that. Yes, they do. They don't talk about it except on the golf course, but so many people do. I would find out people that did it and go, you? Because guys tell me things they don't tell other women. And I'm telling you, most of my male friends, I would say 50% of my male friends have had a happy ending massage before. And these are normal men. I know you're like, they're comics,

they're weirdos. No, not just that. And so I'm not saying your your husband did it but i'm saying your husband's friend or your brother or your brother-in-law who you think he's a family man he would never they do this stuff man and they know these girls are teens it's so sick this girl was like it's just changed the way i looked at the world she's 35 now and she's like it's just the things i saw the the men i saw partaking and having sex with underage girls in groups for like bachelor parties, these were like normal men. These weren't like scum of the earth, like dirty guys. Some of them were, but by and large, it was like men who pulled up in Lexuses. And it just like bummed me out so much.

Have there been any epiphanies for you guys when you hear about – do you ever hear about guys, do guys ever confess this stuff to you and you go, what? Yeah. I mean, years ago when I got into music, I was shocked when I would hear stories from like other musicians about how prevalent it was. I was like, wow, really? Okay. Didn't know that was going on. But I guess it just happens on the road. And cheating.

I think cheating is another thing that everyone goes, no, that just doesn't happen that much. It is the most, I mean, we've talked about this on the show before when Adam Levine, the whole thing came out. It's like, is anyone surprised by this? You've got to see Tar. We've got to talk about Tar at some point. There's also a massage parlor scene in Tar that was kind of interesting

and sort of like along the lines of what you're talking about but it's all about power but it flips it on its head because the protagonist is a famous female lesbian composer so it's really interesting okay i'll kate blanchett right yeah she's amazing she can do no wrong she was in that movie um don't look up and i didn't even know it was her do you remember that she was like don't look up it was done by um adam mckay and it was during covid it was about the asteroid that was gonna come yeah she was amazing in that and i go who is this woman she played like the hot fox news girl and she was so good it was like hitting on leo's character did you see leo was like spotted with a bunch of

young girls on a yacht yeah speaking of young women i know i mean i'm sure he's dealt in some of that as well allegedly not even allegedly i would just straight up say that it probably has happened i mean everyone gets prostitutes in Hollywood. It's like, and I think White Lotus season two opened our eyes up to that a little bit more, both the cheating aspect of things and prostitution and how, you know, there is nothing shameful about being a prostitute.

It's a really lucrative industry. And I'm just saying it happens more than you think. And it's not just like greasy old men who can't get laid. It's family men. And I just wish there was more like we could just I wish people could understand because I know that there are people that just go. I don't know anyone who's ever got a prostitute. I would bet my life on it. And it's like I bet it would be most of the men they know have done it.

It's so funny. Your fantasy about the bubble. Yeah, I just went a number above their head of how many underage girls they've fucked. I used to have a fantasy all growing up. Like, it started in junior high and then continued through high school. And I would just be like, I wish, I wish this dream would come true. I wish that anyone who had had sex would just float up into the sky and we could see the ones that have had sex yes that was my dream thing because i was a virgin and i just was like yeah i just wanted to

know who had done it yes i was fascinated by it that is always something i've wanted is like i just want people to you know i'm interested in people being honest about stuff and when my friends tell me that they've been to a prostitute, I don't judge them. I don't care. I'm not like, you partook in this street. I mean, if they say they fucked an underage girl. Did you temporarily 20%? Yeah.

I go, oh, at least. I mean, I never, I don't, I feel like I'm partaking in some of this, by the way. Because look at this Andrew T tate stuff for example andrew tate has trafficked women who he probably promised them a good life or that they were going to be his girlfriend and now he is forcing them to make only fans accounts where they have to make explicit material and porn he so he he has he is he is and they're not being paid and he's taking all the profits that's what andrew date tate has Do you think other people aren't doing that? Are you thinking, like, at all the porn,

you see that woman is, like, a person that is making her own decisions and is getting all the money that she deserves? No, porn industry is just so abusive, and I feel a lot of times when I am sitting on my couch twiddling my thumbs. I've already done my foot massager a million times. There's nothing to watch on TV I like. I don't feel like working out. And I start thinking about like, I want to watch porn.

I want to just go jerk off to some porn. I feel the same guilt I'm assuming that men feel when they want to go get a happy ending. Of like, I know i'm supporting something bad this feels kind of gross i have this newfound guilt because i know i know the porn i watch is not locally source grass-fed like i know it isn't and now i know even only fans because you think oh i'll go to only fans these are women that are empowered they're doing their own thing even that is being infiltrated by this pimp culture of like the men taking all the money and forcing these women to do it so it's it's hard to find you know local like you know uh what's it called ethical porn ethical porn

and and i gotta say the women that are making ethical porn it's you're missing the mark you need to become a madam and or like a producer and start getting your own stable together. I've thought about it before. But I don't want women to lose. So much of porn is based on young women because I like to see younger women too. I like to see women in the prime of their sexuality, which is in their 20s. And I don't think at 20 or in your 20s, I think very few women should get into porn in their 20s. I think some women, it is like the right path

that you already know who you are, you know what you want to do. I think most women, it is a mistake, not because it's anything shameful, but because society shames it so much that your life will never be the same because of how people are going to view you. You're going to be Monica Lewinsky-ed,

even though you did nothing wrong. And I think that even if I were to produce porn, I would have to get women in their 30s and 40s, and who wants to fucking see that? So I... That was a joke, but it's... It would be hard to make the porn i the porn i want to see is innocent girls that are kind of like being coerced i like porn

where the girl's like you know i've talked about it before reluctant where she's like no okay like kind of talked into it and you can you know obviously you could act that and i convince myself the porn i'm watching is acted but um i do i do now have that guilt that i assume men have when they was you know sheepishly walk into a massage parlor for a happy ending and they convince themselves that like no these girls want to be doing this and that this they're making good money and all those things i'm starting to feel that way you know what's a positive thing is I've seen more of those signs in the airports everywhere, actually. Everywhere. I don't think that's a good sign. I think it means it's everywhere. I think it's progress. If you're being trafficked, call this number. We will help you right now. I know for a fact those girls do not call that

number. They're terrified. They don't even have phones. You don't think it helps at all no i don't if anything i think it is indicative of it being a huge issue that is not just in yeah like where do they get their phones from and like the guys who are trafficking them aren't watching them i used to work yeah i used to work um on a radio show like in the trucking industry and truckers are actually like they see a lot of the trafficking through truck stops and stuff like that. And there's an organization called Women in Trucking. And the female truckers,

if they would spot someone in the restroom that seemed like they were a victim of trafficking, they would give them a chapstick. And in the chapstick cap, there was a number where it's kind of like this like innocent way of or like you know like there's like a message in there like do you need help without yeah verbalizing in case anyone's like listening oh my god yeah there's um and it's there's signals that they can give there's like hand signals that i haven't learned but i mean every time I see,

I will say that every time I go in a bathroom and I see one of those signs, I walk out of the bathroom and I go, just look for men with younger women that appear to be their daughters.

And then you look around and you see it fucking everywhere. And then you think, I'm going to say something and then you go, that's probably his daughter. I'm going to look like a fool. And then you don't.

I remember being in an airport. Was I i with you i was freaking out because this woman was she looked about 19 and she had a baby on her hip and then she was with a man who looked about 60 and i was just like that's gotta be his daughter that's gotta be and then they kissed and it was their family and i was just like ugh why and then he he came up with like another baby that they had together i was just like that'd be so funny to just like call the authorities about disgusting men who are dating women that are far too young for them and just call authorities about it and report them and i that is my dream to walk up to like a really pretty young girl with some old rich man who she has to like reluctantly fuck and walk up and hand her a

note that says if you need help and have them both read it because you know that he'll be like what does it say he'll put on his fucking readers and it'll say if you need help i'm uh like call nine one whatever it is and she's like, no, this is my husband. I go, really? We all know you don't want this. Are you sure? Yeah. That's my idea.

That would be so fun to do. Because you could come off like you're being a good person. But really, you're being a piece of shit and judging this person's life. But you're also letting her know. We can help you start over. Yeah. We have a GoFundMe set me setup i'm just like i'm accustomed to chapsticks in bulk i'm like you can use this uh there's a number inside the chapstick

is also for his uh balls that i'm assuming are old and chapped so you can you know wiggle those in your hand um yeah that's my new thing uh but i think yeah that the thing in airports is just to look for young women with men i mean how often do you see that every fucking where how are you supposed to know what is if someone's being i mean i'm sure there are signs for it that you can look for speaking of creepy men we got a message about someone sent a bestie sent me an article about why men become gynecologists and i sent it to noah and anya last night and we'll talk about that right when we get back because uh i i get it now kind of and let's hear some reasons when we come back 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year it's going to be filled with money challenges

and opportunities i'm joel oh and i am matt and we're the hosts of how to money we want to be a fascinating year. It's going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel. Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the way in your financial journey this year, offering the information and insights you need to thrive financially. Yeah, whether you find yourself up to your eyeballs in student loan debt, or you've got a sky high credit card balance because you went a little overboard with the holiday spending, or maybe you're looking to optimize your retirement accounts so you can retire early. Well, How to Money will help you to change your relationship with money so you can stress less and grow your net worth. That's right. How to Money comes out three times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays for money advice without the judgment and jargon.

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Welcome to My Legacy. I'm Martin of the Kingdom Third. And together with my wife, Andrea Waters King, and our dear friends, Mark and Craig Kilberger, we explore the personal journeys that shape extraordinary lives. Each week, we'll sit down with inspiring figures like David Oyelowo, Mel Robbins, Martin Sheen, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, and Billy Porter. And their plus one, their ride or die, as they share stories never heard before about their remarkable journey. Listen to My Legacy starting January 20th on MLK Day on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, you get your podcasts. People like Courtney Cox, star of the infinitely beloved sitcom Friends,

EGOT winner Viola Davis, and former Prime Minister of the UK, Tony Blair. And now, Mini Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Each episode is a new person's story with new lessons, new memories, and new connections to show us how we're both similar and unique. Listen to mini questions on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions,itless answers. Okay, so we got this article sent to us from a bestie.

And it's from The Cut, I believe. Is that right? Yeah. And it's why men want to be... Ten men explain why they became gynecologists. Yes. What did you guys get out of this? Because I thought the most interesting one was...

The reasons are women are less disgusting than men. And so you're not dealing with like smelly, gross patients, even though one doctor was like, yeah, the vagina is kind of smelly, but most of the time women keep better hygiene. You're also not dealing with as many deaths because it's not like a constant, like you're just diagnosing cancer and death constantly. So it's just usually helping women upkeep. A lot of men love just the process of bringing life into the world when so much of medicine is based around death. These are all good reasons.

Some love just getting up in that snatch. This one made me laugh so hard. What? My female friends in medical school said examining women was, quote, too smelly, which of course can be a factor. But in general, women take excellent care of themselves. This guy's patting himself on the back for not being able to really smell a smelly puss. It's such a weird backhanded compliment to himself.

It's so rude. Yes. And also so unprofessional to call them too smelly. You're a fucking doctor. Well, he wasn't saying that. He's saying his colleagues say that. I just never want a doctor to use that phrase, too smelly. You sound like a 15-year-old. Well, one doctor admitted that he was thankfully honest and said,

I love women and I love pussy. And sometimes it's hard to like, not get a little bit like not see a hot woman and like, think about it. So it's not like it always happens, but sometimes that those wires get crossed and I appreciate that honesty. Yeah. That was my favorite one. Cause it,

it was like really, really honest. All the other ones, it just felt like a little bit like fluff. They were just kind of like, oh, this is going to be published. One said, women are better patients than men. They have no qualms about telling us what's wrong with them, and therefore we can do

what we need to do to get them better. Which was the opposite of what I thought. I thought men dismiss our pain more, but there was one that said men tend to actually want to give more help to women because they don't experience periods or any of this stuff. So when they hear a woman being like, I have a heavy period, they're like, oh, you poor thing. That sounds terrible.

And they like treat them even better because we've all met men that go, oh, my God, it sounds awful. You bleed all the time. Cramps like they almost exaggerate your pain because they just can't imagine bleeding out of their dick. While there are some men that are just like, oh, cramps that time of the month and they dismiss it. I thought that was interesting. That one made me roll my eyes so hard.

What? I just think men that we're better doctors for women because like we're just so gentle because we're just like really respectful of you guys and we know you're in a lot of pain it's like you just admit you want to get up in there right and there's kind of like slagging other women doctors like we're just you know i can't help it we're better at it like we're just more sensitive yeah i know i i don't know i they are saying that they're in

the minority and that a lot of them get into this and they think no one will go to them which is so different from what we were saying yesterday where all of us just i didn't even think to go to a woman doctor for my women parts because there was a part of me that goes i don't want to be it's the same way that i don't when i see a cop pull over a black person, a white cop pull over a black person, I just go, why are you doing the most cliche thing? So I wanted to be different. I wanted to be like, you know what? I'm not going to just go to a woman doctor because I'm not scared of men. I think it's normal for men to be all up in my guts.

And so, but that, I liked this one where the one doctor said that ob-gyns are tend to be like better people to hang out with like you know there's different types of comedians too there's improv comedians there's stand-up comedians there's right you know late night writers there's um you know mimes like comedy has all these different types of podcasters like we radio personalities like i get along with people in radio and stand-up those are like my two groups where like i always gravitate towards those people because they just have my same sensibilities even though comedy is a wide when you get into comedy you can choose any kind of like specialty and i think that when doctors start out they can choose any kind of you know

they kind of gravitate towards which doctors are the coolest and i have to say that like ob-gyn's tend to be kind of like cool cooler and like have a better sense of humor because there's more women in it and women don't have as big of egos as men just naturally i mean they can women can be egomaniacs for sure we all know some including moi many days but um i would find that they're probably the one doctor was like yeah ob-gyn's are just more fun they're funny they're cooler and i think that probably has something to do with it being a mostly women-dominated um specialty right that is cool i miss that i like this was it noah that said this person sounds like a serial killer yeah this guy the female body is a metaphor for her womanhood.

And I'm granted access to her whole identity. Ew. Get it out. If someone was reading my pussy like tea leaves or something and like thought it was like. Peeling them back like leaves. Thought it was any indication of my womanhood. Dude, I don't even look at my vagina anymore. To me, I don't know if you guys have sensed this, being 38 years old, 38 and 7 months years old, I'm not, who's counting?

38, 7 months and 3 days old. old i just want to say that my vagina is not i'm going through the change of like i i am i have a whole bit about it right now about not being able to relate to the song wet ass pussy anymore and it's like a travesty and i'm gonna save you all that come see me live tour dates available at nicki glazer.com um but it's definitely like it's more it's like functional now. I look, I was kind of comparing it to like, it used to like have a heyday, right? Where it was like all I thought about. And now it kind of, it's like my CD player in my car. Like it one time was of use and befitted me with so much. And now it definitely has a use.

It holds my, like my like my you know parking tickets when you like go into a parking garage and you need the little thing you can shove it in there and it's like oh i found a new use for it and that's also where i put them in my pussy too um but it's not like it's it's not it's barely a pussy anymore i feel like it's like a i think just it's, it's not, it's barely a pussy anymore. I feel like it's like a, I think just, it's more like a crotch. Like it's like, um, it's a vagina. I mean, it's not even a vagina. It's a vulva. It like doesn't, it's not, I never wanted to be, it's so interesting because I always

thought there would be a part in my life where I wouldn't talk about sex as much on stage because people always were like, you're a sex comedian. Why do you talk about sex so much? It's cool that you do, you know, whatever perspective they had. It's cool that you do. It's weird that you do. And I always said, I'll stop talking about sex when I'm not interested in it. And I swear to God, sex is like 5% of my act right now.

And it was 100% of it for the past 20 years. And now it's like, you know, of it now it's like five percent i don't even talk about it at all i talk about like maybe a little bit but it's i'm going through the change and it's it's sad because i miss i miss like loving sex so much and being obsessed with it and now i just i mean i still love having orgasms i still love watching porn do you you don't watch porn do you anya once in a great while like do you are you allowed to watch porn when you live with a man yes i can do whatever i want to i know but i have to you don't have to call chris delia first and ask him if i have permission to go to

daddy can i watch um get on your knees um but i'm at my grandma's funeral get on your fucking knees and send me a picture while i i'm already on my knees praying praying um wait a second so did you though do you i mean you watch broadcasted i'm not like hey i'm watching porn in here or i watched porn today. I kind of keep it to myself. Would you ever – I have been horny when my boyfriend has passed out next to me and I got really horny and I wanted to watch it in bed next to him. I think that should have been an advertisement for Tempur-Pedic mattresses. Remember when the woman used to jump with a glass of wine? Yes, yes.

And it wouldn't move. That's so brilliant. You can jerk off next to your boyfriend and he won't wake up. Or vice versa. Maybe that was what they were trying to get across. I would have no problem if my boyfriend in any world wanted to jerk off next to me. I'd be like, thank you for reading my body language tonight. That's good.

But I, I don't think that I'd want it. I don't, I don't think either of us would want to see each other do that, but I am ashamed sometimes that I, porn to me is just faster and easier. And just holding a little thing over my clit and laying like I'm in a toboggan is easier than being spread legged and like,

you know, great. It's quicker, faster. It's a quick thing to do. It's like a cold shower compared to a workout. It's just quick and done. Right. Yeah. Final thought.

The kids are almost here. I have presents for them, and that will last two seconds of me giving those presents. They're coming in the car they're giving me the the car should i go to the aquarium i feel like i can't go support the zoo is free but it's freezing outside today so i don't feel bad going to the zoo because i'm not giving them any money and so i don't feel bad about it as much as i would the aquarium because i just don't want to support i can imagine a trip with Aunt Nikki

to the zoo. Now those flamingos, those are endangered and they're suffering right now because they're here. They're at this climate. They're bored. I wish someone would have been

more honest with me as a kid about that stuff of like, because I knew kids are very perceptive. You go to the monkey exhibit and they're bored. They're sad sad they have moss growing on them they it smells they're all picking each other's butts and noses there's like a a rock that one of them is like throwing around there's like an old like baby doll that one of them is

like ripping to shreds it's like it's so depressing and i i got that vibe from it or the the sea lion is just going the same pattern over and over past the window this isn't happy times and so but i think that you're just like tricked into thinking zoos are like these magical places and i know the people that work at zoos are obsessed with animals and conservation and they are you know trying to do the right thing. I mean, I used to want to work at SeaWorld and get my ponytail tugged on by Tilkalem and then drowned in front of a crowd.

I guess it wasn't in front of a crowd. But I just, I mean, as much as I do want to go to that aquarium, because I do love aquariums, I used to want to be a marine biologist when I was little until I figured out that to be a marine biologist when I was little until I figured out that you know to be a marine biologist you have to like measure them and like track their like mating patterns and stuff I just thought you just would like play with them and like teach them how to do tricks like I thought I just wanted to put my hand in the middle of an anemone oh yeah or just pet a stingray did you

guys did you guys ever have dreams of being, like, working with animals? Did you have, what was your, like, in third grade, I want to be this when I grow up? I definitely thought about marine biologists, but I used to always say paleontologists or archaeologists. That seemed fun to me, like, digging up fossils. There's nothing about your life now that leads me to believe that would have been of interest to you. I know. I used to dig in the dirt a lot. I mean, I grew up in the sticks all by myself talking to animals.

Sometimes when I say I look ugly, you dig for a compliment for me. And you go, no, your ear looks good today. Look at this little shard of a compliment I found. No. So is there anything in your life that you can look at now where you go, oh, like, did you watch Jurassic Park? Do you, like, were you into that? Are you into dinosaurs did you watch jurassic park do you like were you into that are you into dinosaurs like why paleontologists did you think it just sounded smart when people

would ask maybe i thought it sounded smart and i was trying to be like my friend but it did seem really cool to like be digging and find ancient civilizations but i also was obsessed with like songwriting and radio and i had radio shows when I was like eight or nine. Okay, so that it all came to be. And Noah, what did you want to be when you were in third grade? What was your like lofty dream? Well, it's so funny because also a marine biologist and I think it's because it sounded smart and you get to work with animals and then I wanted to be a veterinarian. What is this? Why do we and why did we all know the word marine biologist yeah like i didn't even know what a biologist was there was i think i found out a biologist was a separate

thing after marine biologist why do kids all know marine biology and why did i fantasize she looked like christy brinkley like i always thought if i was a marine biologist i'll be tall tan blonde with a ponytail yes and get to wear a wetsuit in front of a crowd i mean the crowd part was a part of it for me for sure and then the seal would come out and i'd go look at you look at rufus everyone clap for rufus and then rufus would give me a high five and then the dolphin would come up and like on its body and then it'd go and i would kiss it and i'd go oh i'm blushing and then he'd go, oh, now, oh, look, Rodney's getting jealous. And then a killer whale would come out, and then I'd kiss him on his little nose and bloop him, boop him.

And then he would go down. And then, have you ever seen a beluga whale? Oh, that's, if anything could get kids to be a marine biologist, beluga whale's heads are so squishy and gishy. That is what I would want to do. I never even saw that before, but it makes me want to go back to school for it. Oh, those beluga whale heads. They're like those balls that you get at Target

that I'm about to get my nephew to buy, thinking it's the most expensive thing there that's the most valuable thing. All right, the kids are here. I have to go. Thank you guys for listening. Thank you to Anya. Thank you to Noah.

Don't be cut and check. Bye. Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer. If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance

that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without

the judgment and jargon, listen to How To Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast. Dive into Jon's unique take on the biggest topics in politics, entertainment, sports, and more. Joined by the sharp voices of the show's correspondents and contributors.

And with extended interviews and exclusive weekly headline roundups, this podcast gives you content you won't find anywhere else. Ready to laugh and stay informed? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. That's right. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives

dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. With a blend of humor, vulnerability, and authenticity, we share our personal journeys navigating our 30s, tackling the complexities of modern relationships, and engage in thought-provoking discussions that challenge societal expectations. From groundbreaking interviews with diverse guests to relatable stories that'll resonate with your experiences, Decisions Decisions is gonna be your go-to source for the open dialogue about what it truly means to love and connect in today's world.

Get ready to reshape your understanding of relationships and embrace the freedom of authentic connections. Tune in and join in the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Emi Olea, host of the podcast Crumbs.

For years, I had to rely on other people to tell me my story. And what I heard wasn't good. You really f***ed last night. It felt like I lived most of my life in a blackout. I was trapped in addiction. You had to grab the lamp and smash it against the walls. And then I decided I wanted to tell my own story.

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