The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #31 Fashion Egg

Episode Date: May 13, 2021

Nikki explains that it's not all glitz and glamour in Hollywood, and once again she finds that she could have used some initiative from others. Nikki and Andrew are all jokes and swells after having a "Mount Vesuvius" of fights last night and they swipe through Nikki's dating app. Andrew brings lots of "co'uhl" headlines and Nikki absolutely cares about Taylor Swift throwing it back to her 1989 era. They go through a treasure trove of Collections of Co'uhls and discuss vulnerable men in the Final Thought. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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We want to speak out and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, an investigative journalist, and this is my journey deep into the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy in my adult. He was like, I'll take you to the top, I'll make you a star. To expose an alleged predator and the rotten industry he works in. It's honestly so much worse than I had anticipated. We're an army in comparison to him. From Novel, listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app,

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Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. traditional relationships, and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love. Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms. Tune in and join the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Tomer Cohen, LinkedIn's Chief Product Officer. If you're just as curious as I am about the way things are built,

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Here's Nikki. Yeah, here I am coming in hot. Hi, guys. Here's Nikki. Yeah, here I am coming in hot. Hi, guys. It's Nikki. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. Welcome. Hey, Noah. Hey.

Hi. Oh, my God. One of those mornings where you open your eyes and you go, oh, today's going to be a doozy. And I can't wait to shut my eyes tonight. No, I can't wait. What time tonight is going to be a doozy. And I can't wait to shut my eyes tonight. No, I can't wait. What time tonight is going to feel good? Oh, no times.

Because, oh, no, that's not true. I like, so today is just like a busy day. Right after this, I have a fitting for the MTV Movie and TV Awards Unscripted, which is on Monday night, the 17th. Set your DVRs. And then right after that, I get into hair and makeup for Fallon. My ladies are coming over here to do that. And I'm a little disappointed though, because I just saw all the commercial, like the promo shots for the stuff that I shot last Thursday, I think. And a full day of just shooting, and I look like a hot mess. Like, my hair is crazy, and my makeup is not good.

And I just saw the footage footage yesterday and I was just like, God, I look like I'm playing a character that's like on a reality show. That's like drunk and like, I looked like I was playing a character. Like my, it was just a bad, it's just a bad look. And, um, and the question to myself first was like, how did I not see this? But the thing is when you, when you're in a makeup room and everything, it looks great. And then you get, and the lights are all different when you get out there and the camera angle is different than the angle you were looking at yourself in the mirror. And so you see this version of yourself when, and you're supposed it's just too I can't manage

everything I can't because then you go you're sitting there and I should have asked the camera guy can I see the shot which I did do but my eyes are bad for I can't sit in where I'm sitting and then look eight feet away at a little camera screen and see what it actually looks like when you're would maybe watch it on your phone unless someone takes a picture but then pictures aren't the same as videos so someone has to videotape the camera screen so then show them and then it's just like I just look terrible and it might be because of I just want to blame someone other than myself. But the truth is that I just didn't do my due diligence to like, I just expect people to be like, Hey,

you don't look good. Like, or like, Hey, your hair, we could do better. Like with your hair. There's sometimes when like you're on set and someone's like,

um, like everything shuts down and everyone like comes out to like fix whatever is going on with your hair or your makeup. And it becomes like this where like everyone's like it's her left hair it's like the hair back there and it's like oh no that's just my hair or it's like well you have a spot here it's like that's just my face you know like there's sometimes where you're like nothing can fix it but then there's other times where it's like guys i'm looking at this and it i can't i i can't believe i mean i saw i saw the footage yesterday when we got off of zoom you and i and i sent you a screenshot it's just like that's not what i look like it looked like i was i agree just it's just

like it was not a good look and thank god it it's, you know, the silver lining of this is I could be like, well, now all these commercials that are going out, I look terrible in and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But now I'm like, you know what? I could have looked that way for the actual awards, but now I'm like very, very dead set on fixing what happened. So I'm grateful that I looked like shit for those. And the girl that did my hair and makeup did a great job when I was looking in the mirror but I wrote my stylist who do my who I worked with for like almost 10 years now and they like flew in and they're like you know LA based they work in the industry they work with models like they know they know more than anyone what is cool what's

pretty what's like I trust them explicitly they're the coolest girls I know, Danny and Emma. And I wrote them yesterday, like after I saw the shoot and I was like, guys, you, I know you didn't do my hair and makeup, but, and I know you don't want to insult hair and makeup if, if it seems like I'm happy. But if you see me looking like this, you got to text me like, like hey we need to fix this like you don't need to be rude and be like you don't need to like say anything to my face but like I can't look like this ever again on camera and it's like I was just like I mean it is my responsibility it's at what point do I go like I can't blame other people that I look bad. I just like, but people who work with you on that capacity, someone has to step up and say it.

All their job is to make me look hot and look good and look beautiful. It's, I always know like if, if I have a true friendship or if someone truly respects me, if I have something in my teeth, if they don't point it out and they let me walk around like that all day, they're not my real friend or they don't really respect me. always i just say it like nonchalantly hey there's there's something in your teeth they're like or i'm just like go like this and then it's like i i would

never want anyone that i care about to walk around with schmutz on their face yeah you've always been really good about like hey well maybe you want to do this like you'll you'll like very gently tell me like so you have a little makeup there like the way my makeup runs underneath my eyes no matter what like my it transfers underneath and by the end of the day i just look like you know um who's a girl with they look like al Alice Cooper by the end of the day. And no, no boys ever tell me ever. I, guy friends will never tell you you have makeup all over your face. And then I'll go look in the mirror. I'm like, what the, how could you think this is how I want to look? Do you think I know that I look like this? I don't. Um, and Paris Hilton actually told me that she does a

test where she will wear like a disgusting outfit and she's getting ready for friends and she'll like walk out and be like, do you guys think this is cute? The problem is Paris Hilton looks cute in literally anything. And so her friends will be like, yeah, that's hot. And she's like, that's not a true friend. And she like she tests them. And I just, I don't even need to do that because I just have so many times where I go, how could you let me look like this? I mean, it was the same reaction I had. This feels like the same way I, which is the very sad thing I used to feel, but I used to be so mad at my parents for having sex and making me, because I'm so ugly. I used to tell my mom, like,

how could you let this happen? Like you knew that there are some ugly people in your family that could maybe get through in your DNA. And you knew dad had some uggos in his history. Why would you two have sex and like possibly make something so ugly as me? And my mom would go, I remember she'd just be washing the dishes and go you're fucking crazy that's a crazy thing to say and it's rude get out of here like she would be so mad at me and I'd just be like but it's your responsibility it's not my fault I'm ugly you and dad had a like it was just so sad so I kind of feel that same way of like Nikki don't blame others like you can I should just do my own makeup and then I have only myself to blame it's like when you ask people to do a job and then they do it

bad you just have a reason to but really it's your fault because you hired that person you need to ask for what you want like yes talking about this like don't wait for people to give you what you want. You have to ask. Like, you can't assume. Like, sometimes people are like, like, if you order at a restaurant and you're like, and I want that salad with no cheese because I'm vegan. And then the salad comes and let's say it has chicken on it. It's like, well, this person, you said vegan, but you didn't explicitly say no chicken and

cheese. You said no cheese. It's like, but I didn't know there was chicken on it. And I said vegan but you didn't explicitly say no chicken and cheese you said no cheese it's like but I didn't know there was chicken on it and I said vegan it's like people can't read your mind I recently disappointed someone in my life who's like very angry with me because I I let them down and has every right to feel that way uh based on how they're feeling because you feel how you feel and i i do feel like i could have been better at communicating but it's also like i hate the thing when you disappoint someone and they've been like watching you disappoint them over and over and never said anything like they've just been waiting for you to disappoint them and they go yes you disappointed

me as opposed to getting ahead of it and being like hey um i'm like waiting for you to disappoint me like is it are you going to or like what's the deal like you're saying yeah or giving you the tools to not disappoint them and what do you mean by that mind like for example if you communicate something to a friend or partner in a tone that is not gentle enough maybe they can let you know that it's the tone that's bothering them not what you're saying right you know just just kind of giving guidelines last night andrew and i got into the one of the biggest fights of our friendship it was so fucking bad because Emil is here and it really felt like he was our son it was like late at night we got back from I was working at the comedy store till late we got back here and almost instantly we started

fighting and it was he said the very same thing he's like it's your tone and that bothered me because I'm like no it's what I'm saying like you can say it's the tone but it's what I'm saying is triggering something and it's making you get really defensive because if if you didn't if what I brought up wasn't a problem which I didn't think it was and it wasn't something you wanted to not talk about it we wouldn't be exploding like this and then it talk about it we wouldn't be exploding like this and then it turned into well I wouldn't be exploding like this if the thing that I brought up wasn't so contentious for me too and like what am I bringing to it so we fought like we argued like did Emil run into his room and slam the door was literally sitting at the tape kitchen table with us and we were sitting like

it's a round kitchen table like a basic kitchen table emil is sitting on one side and we are across from each other just and emil's just sitting silently and then we finally made up like we came full circle but it took like a half hour and then we were all laughing but emil was seriously like i gotta go to bed like and he's he always like stays up late he's like I'm going to bed like it was it's so uncomfortable and but when I'm in it I can't stop fighting but that's not how I want to be but then we got to the end of it and now we're like better friends than ever and I woke up this morning and we like went through oh we're gonna go through my Raya on on air like my Raya matches because I just got a new batch but we just had Andrew and I had a great morning we really are like a married couple new batch. But Andrew and I had a great morning.

We really are like a married couple who just like fought all night, like had a big fight. And our makeup sex is him getting me Advil this morning when I had an headache and us eating oatmeal in the pianist's hair. And a podcast. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears

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Seven questions, limitless answers. We want to speak out, we want to raise awareness, and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn and I'm an investigative journalist. When a group of models from the UK wanted my help, I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a playboy model my dog. Lingerie, topless. I said, yes, please. Because at the centre of this murky world is an alleged predator.

You know who he is because of his pattern of behaviour. He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it. He's everywhere and has been everywhere. It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated. Together, we're going to expose him and the rotten industry he works in. It's not just me. We're an army in comparison to him. Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager.

Responsible and driven and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened, and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls and relapses.

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I really just sat myself down at the end of 2022 and I was like, look, either we make it or we quit. Expert tips to help improve your swing and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. The drinks were flowing, twerking all over the place, vaping. They're shotgunning. Women's golf is a wild ride full of big personalities, remarkable athleticism, fierce competition, and a generation of women hell-bent on shanking that glass ceiling. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership

with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Presented by Elf Beauty, founding partner of iHeart Women's Sports. Hey, Andrew, I was just talking about you. Oh, God. I mean, we are so much better this morning than last night. Yeah. I'm just saying we're such a married couple that got into one of the biggest fights of our relationship last night in front of our son, Emil.

Then we went to our separate bedrooms. No, we made up before we went to bed, though. So a good thing we didn't go to bed angry at one point i go to emile i go do you want to say anything emile because i'm staying out of this i don't want to talk it was so bad but it started because of uh you sensed my tone and i was annoyed that you got because uh we were just talking about like confronting stuff or like getting into fights with people because i was talking about just like you know and she was saying that like sometimes people's tone is what's the problem and i was like and that really bugged that was a hard part of last night for me it was like it's your tone and i'm like well i can, I don't know what that means.

And I think you're putting tone on it because you like the way we hear things has a tone. Do you know what I mean? Like the way, the way our brain and the, what we're coming to the subject that the person is bringing up, although their tone is, has a part to play.

And I did have a tone. Like you also heard a tone. You're putting stuff on it because of the, and then, then that's when we were able to like break through because you were like, I'm like, I think you're putting stuff on it because of the and then then that's when we were able to like break through because you were like i'm like i think you're putting stuff on this because you're coming you're insecure you're feeling weird about this and then you're like i think you're feeling weird about and i was like yeah you're right actually then we both realized we were bringing other shit to it that was based on fear yeah of course i mean look all of our issues with each other come from honestly i love fighting

yeah i mean we really are good at it i was way better at it than i've ever imagined like my parents did it for years i guess i picked up some stuff on like uh subconsciously or uh through osmosis they say we never got to screaming but it was it was close it was very stern talking but it was it was um i think it was very healthy i went to sleep there was part of me where like i thought you know what every good duo has like shack and kobe they would go at it you know or like every like good duo to get the best out of each other yeah go go at it. But I've never been that kind of person. If anything, I've been a person that if that was the case, I would have went to my room angry.

And I would have resented you for a long time. Well, it happened because you did that the past three times that I brought up the thing that finally led to Mount Vesuvius happening. Because that's the thing. It's like, you were like, but it's not the first time you said it. And I go, well, this is the first time of hearing that you're upset that I said it. And that was part of it too. But now. But here's the thing it's like you're like but it's not the first time you said it i go well this is the first time of hearing that you're upset that i said it and that was part of it too but now but here's the thing if it doesn't reach if i don't mention anything the first time maybe i'm thinking oh it won't happen yes i get that i don't mean to use that as an

excuse of like don't be pussy speak up it's like that it it does like lead to that. Like the first, you could just, you know, yeah. I mean, I can do a lot better, but I went to bed feeling pretty good. Yeah, I did too.

And I think we're always better. I mean, look, once a month, we're going to go at it. We're going to put on the gloves and we're going to knock each other around a little bit and we're going to be better for it. And I, and I love it. And I only want the best for you.

And I really do feel like you want the best for me. Do you ever feel like you could say something to me and i'd be like fuck you get out of my life like um is there a part of you that thinks yeah i'll do that it's so funny because last night i was like i wonder if he thinks like there's anything he could say to me during a fight that would make me go like we're done and the truth is there i don't think you're capable of saying the type of thing and if you did i would just be like you need to say that i could you so hard last night that made me actually really angry someone else called me like people are running on things that we do that aren't good well sometimes we are good and last night i kind of got you for being good i wanted it's the ultimate

you can't argue against that's the thing it's like in high school me and my friends if my friends are listening from high school girls think of how much we like got we would cut guys that we wanted that like just were like felt safe around us and we'd go you're being cut and they'd be like what does that even mean and they would they would hate it so much to be like wait can i be on am i always cut or it's like we're like you're pretty much always gonna be cut you're just a cut and they'd be like no i'm not i don't even know what it means we would torture guys with it and so last night can you felt like oh i wanted to kill you i wanted to kill you yeah um yeah no but to back to that thing is like I literally had a moment in my head where I go I go uh she's gonna tomorrow morning or like at some point in our relationship

you're gonna go look we had a I just I don't think that you're right for the show anymore and I don't think you're right for my life I think whatever and I was gonna go in my head I go you know we had a good run Nick and I'm still gonna be okay And like I like played this whole It's just like not gonna happen I know that maybe you need that to happen no, no, I don't I don't please though I liked our fight last night because it felt equal I didn't feel like I was like no you, you respect when people stand up for themselves, and I rarely do it, and I think I did it.

Yeah, do it all the time, because I always think I'm right whether you stand up for yourself or not. It's not going to change, and a lot of times I do admit I'm wrong once you have a good point. But you're a master at debate. You're a master at observation.

You're a master at all these things. So you got to understand. I'm pretty good, I guess. You're good. But I'm nowhere near your level. Thanks. But I don't know if that's a compliment. Being a master of debate and of observation and being able to go,

I know what you're thinking when you're doing this thing. It's a little shady thing that you do. It's exhausting. It's exhausting. It's exhausting for your brain, thing. It's a little shady thing that you do. It's exhausting. It's exhausting. It's exhausting for your brain, too. Exhausting. Uh-oh, egg. Fashion egg or something.

Fashion egg! Fashion egg! Okay, I'm sorry. Every time we... So I love doing Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift does Easter eggs for her fans where it's like she has little clues and things she says that like later you find out oh it was the date of the album release and andrew never knows what to say when i do them because sometimes i do

little ones and fashion eggs i mean i kind of said it to be funny but then i also didn't know the words because the first thing you think is funniest i learned that from leslie jones last night i ran into leslie jones at the comedy store she's doing the she's doing the mtv movie and tv awards not unscripted on sunday night live and then i'm doing monday that's taped on thursday not a big deal you're just on a live feed on the biggest napster the biggest celebrity of mine is like ray j i'm not joking you you guys it's just his penis in the audience i heard it's ray j and uh heidi klum might like walk in the building to pick up an award um but at hers it's like and i was talking to her about her like preparing for it it's like it's just night and day compared to what i've had to do which i'm grateful because

i'm so busy i don't want to have to shoot a million things but um she was like she was like if you start bombing or whatever because we were talking about like how these crowds can be pretty rough these industry crowds um that are just there like agents just sitting there like not wanting to laugh because they're worried that they'll get canceled i don't even know but um she was like just just when you just do crowd work and she doesn't know that i don't do crowd work so she was like just do what you do do crowd work if you like do what you do i'm like you've never seen my act but that's fine i don't expect you but she expects like me as a seasoned comic to do crowd work but she doesn't know i don't do it and i would be good

at it if i did it um yeah you would but i just don't do it but she was like and i liked what she said she goes just always say the first thing you think about someone and i'm like well tony hinchcliffe did that and it didn't work out for him a couple nights ago but easter uh fashion egg well what's his name said to me this guy sometimes the first thing you think is like the worst thing so maybe you don't want to say that but she was like and she goes the first thought you have is always it's funny because when you're in like a 12-step program they're like always the first thought like your first instinct of like i want to do drugs is like ignore that like wait for god to talk and she was like no with comedy your first thought is god talking it's like just listen and just say that because

usually the first thing you think about someone like insult wise comedy wise is the funniest unless it's a horrible racial slur that yeah that tony hanscliffe said but i do feel like like in improv they sometimes say the funniest thing is actually not A to B, but it's the C thought. Like, go to the next thought, you know? Don't think is, like, that one motto. Don't think, but also say the third thought. Like, it's so stupid. But last night, I did a comedy for the first time in, like, six months.

And I was talking to this other comic, and we were, like, talking we were talking about when a comic brings you up and it's actually so hurtful or funny, you can't follow their introduction of you. And he looks at me and he's like, yeah, you're like Jeremy Piven made no money. And I was like, what? Why are you doing that? Oh, they were just giving an example?

He was like, if I were to bring you up, it'd be like if Jeremy Piven... Yeah, something like Jeremy Piven was like, I i were to bring you up to be like if jeremy pivin yeah something like jeremy pivin was like a like i don't know poor piece of shit close enough to women to assault them i was like dude this actually like good job like now i gotta go on stage now i have to feel that way homeless because we hear so many bad things about jeremy pivin so yeah to not even be able to be jeremy pivin even though he's a piece of shit. Let's quickly go through my Raya. Okay, let's do it. Okay, so we were eating oatmeal a couple,

like a half hour ago, and I was about to go through my Raya matches, and then Andrew was like, let's save it. So, okay, I'm in LA, and so there's like more LA choices. This guy, he's in San Francisco. Too far. White dude that, he does a lot of okay he's on top

of a mountain these guys just do too many like sports oh there's like a he's not bad but sam fran it's just not gonna happen no it's not gonna happen um what a long shirt norway and that is a nightgown of a shirt i mean he's a hot a hot man. He pulls it off. He wears the same shirt in every picture. Yeah, he does. Yeah, this guy just thinks he's hot, and he knows that, oh, this guy's... This guy looks like he was in a frat, and he never grew up.

Yeah, this guy's... These guys sometimes try to be funny. He has a picture of Will Smith on his profile, and it's just like, why? Oh, he's cute. He is cute. He's tall tall good hair shows an old eye definitely is someone

that yeah check him out I like him and I don't think it's gonna happen okay this guy this guy's cute he's an artist what does that mean he's like an artist surfer they always are not gonna be into that guy okay let's keep going this guy he's at a rave of some sort

I already don't like his eyes. No, no, no, no, no. Wait, why? He just has psycho eyes that you'd end up in a ditch. And he has like a bunch of like, yeah, they're all doing this cool thing. He has a picture of Leonardo DiCaprio on the, you know, what's it called? Yeah, don't put a picture up. The one where Leo's pointing at the TV.

It's like a meme. It's like, don't. He thinks he looks like Leo's pointing at the TV. It's like a meme. It's like, don't. He thinks he looks like Leo. That's the thing. You look like a horrible Leo. The worst version of Leo. This guy, I mean, he's great eyebrows. He's a DJ.

He's a model. He looks very European. He's very sexy. He'd be fun to fuck. Oh, he's in Sweden. Oh, he's in Sweden. Yeah, that's. Bye-bye, John John.

This guy is in a Gap ad? Do you think that's true? I guess. Is it model for Gap? No. Oh, let's see what his name is. Oh, okay. He's on some kind of panel one time,

and he has a picture of it. Oh, he's teaching his nephew how to play basketball. That kid can't even shoot yet. Oh, this guy is... No. I mean, everyone's so cute. This guy's handsome. This guy looks like Bachelor.

He does. He looks like he's on the next season of Love Island. He has his shirt unbuttoned down to his sternum. God, I hate this guy. He's so attractive. He's very pretty. I mean, this guy's wildly attractive. No, no, I'm not into this.

Really? He's in Sydney, Australia. I can't take someone in Sydney. No. Michael, no. I hate these guys that look at the camera and go like, ooh, like do selfies where they're like, ooh, I'm confused. Like, is this a camera?

It's like, oh, his apartment's nice. They're all putting in pictures of things not themselves because one other guy did it. Yeah, he has like pictures of paint swatches. It's like, and I saw, I was scoping on here. There's like, because you can see the girls in your hood. Ew, no, no, no, no. Actually.

I mean, he's an attractive man. He's driving a motorcycle in a surf. Like he's on the ocean driving a motorcycle. I can't do it. He's so ca. It's ca. I mean, he seems like a nice guy and someone you'd want to give you a tour want to take you on a scuba diving tour,

but that's not my husband. Not this guy. Definitely not. He is depressed. No. Wants to start a podcast. No, not that guy. There's no one.

No. No. No. No. No. Not terrible. Not terrible. Not bad.

Okay, this guy's in Venice. Oh, I like this guy. Yeah, this guy has a small mouth. This is a small mouth. Look at how small his mouth is with his chin. I don't think it's that. Oh, keep going. Keep going.

That is a small little mouth. That's a small mouth bass? Yeah, that's a small mouth. He has a big chin. Big chin, small mouth. I mean, I don't hate it. And he has a good smile. Yeah, I like this guy.

He has a good vibe. No. Okay, I still haven't matched with anyone. No. mean, I don't hate it. And he has a good smile. Yeah, I like this guy. He has a good vibe. No. I still haven't matched with anyone. No. Okay, and now we're out. Okay, so we'll let you know if I matched with any of those people I just went through. Let's get to the news. What's better?

Small mouth, big chin? Big mouth, little chin? Small mouth, big chin. And that's a new country band. I got a girl crush you heard it here first yeah you heard it here first

hey you heard it here first folks hey I hope you're having a fun time out there I know it's the hump day which is sometimes the best day if you know what I mean if you're putting your genitals together and I hope all the swells are out there for everybody and I promise you merch will be coming soon with those words on it who knows one day okay so the first headline you're gonna love

this donald glover aka childish gambino says fear of being canceled has led to boring films and tv shows he went on a twitter tirade the other day and said we are getting boring stuff because people are afraid of getting canceled we're getting boring stuff and not even experimental mistakes. Now, I don't know if he's talking about being canceled in the sense of your show being canceled or public opinion canceled. I think he's talking about public opinion canceled. You think?

Yeah, it's like making things safe because people are so scared to offend. I agree somewhat. And that's the thing. It's like people are like like then where does it end and it's like well it can end with the n word and the any kind of racial slur we can just say don't do that how about that yeah and then it's like well what if you do a joke based on a stereotype like uh you know is is that bad and it's like yeah i mean i don't i don't know that that's bad but

let's not do racial slurs maybe we just draw the line at that i mean atlanta have you seen atlanta atlanta really it is fantastic i mean part of this is a little cut of me because whenever anyone comes out like this essentially they're saying what i'm doing is great and and i'm pushing the limits why are you not that's how it feels to me a little but he he kind of comes through a lot, this guy. Yeah. He really is impressively talented. But, yeah, I don't know.

I mean, what? I'm saying something in my monologue for the MTV things that people are going to react to, like groan, because they're going to think it's fat shaming. Yeah. And I just don't care i don't care that i'm gonna have a bunch of people bunch of skinny people going you're fat shaming because i don't think it'll be fat people that are gonna be upset with the joke title of the show is fat

shaming i mean the title of the show is that i'm making fun of is literally the most fat shaming title ever yeah i mean but that's the thing. It's like intellectual people that are smart can understand jokes and irony and people that are stupid just hear a word and they can't. I mean, there is something about, you know, him being a black man, Donald Glover, and saying stuff like this and people listen more.

Like if a white guy is like, we're not making shows anymore. That's like that you're going to be, no one wants to hear that right now i sometimes think like maybe i could say like the most like controversial stuff but have a black friend that says it for me and i just i'm a ghostwriter for him yeah yeah and i let him do do it all for me and i. And I get to say everything I want. But I feel like you don't hold back saying what you want to say. Yeah, I'm not like here biting my lip

to say like racist or homophobic things. I don't feel censored yet. I mean, there have been times in TV where I've been like, they don't want to do that joke. They can't do that joke. Are you serious? And it's usually not a racial thing

or a thing of canceled. It's usually like, that's really mean about us as a network. And I'm like, well, you got to make fun of yourself as a network. And if you don't, they're like, we like when you make fun of yourself. Oh, you like me more when I make fun of myself? Do you realize that as a network, people might like you more if you make fun of yourself? Do you think that might translate to you?

And it's so funny because whenever i've done the comedy central roast i literally have done it three times and every single time i've had the joke in my set that says comedy central has been so cool they let us and like they really were like you can say anything you want all we ask is you just don't say the n-word netflix and it was just a joke about like, Comedy Central's threatened by Netflix, right? Yeah. And they wouldn't let me do the joke, not because of the N word, or like not because of the illusion,

but because of Netflix. And it's like, do you think people are gonna forget about Netflix if I don't remind them? And Natasha Leggero wrote that joke for me years ago. She was like, I was gonna do the roast and I thought of this joke and you can have it if you want. I was like, I

will. And then I tried to put it in a roast two or three times and I always said it at the live shows. I've done that joke and they always cut it. And it's a great joke, but they won't make fun of themselves. Well, Netflix never wants you to say the C word, you know. Cunt.

They actually, they're actually a little, you can make fun of Comedy Central all you want, but don't say cunt. We they're actually a little yeah they actually make fun of comedy central all you want yeah they're like don't say cunt we're buying them um what do you feel like i think maybe like an example of something that's like outside of like race and stuff like that is like a movie like lolita being made today like like like a story like that you know what i mean that really like dives into like a love for a fit like or like any kind of like what if it glorifies it and with these disgusting men like writing out their fantasies of like yeah fucking a 15 year old like i don't know i don't we've

had enough of that i don't want to see that but if it's a movie about you know child molestation bring it on i mean no one's shying away from that shit I feel like you could do documentaries about anything but a fictional movie about something that happened in a documentary wouldn't be cool I feel like in fiction you can do everything but that goes no but I mean like

I'm just saying they can there are men making movies about like fucking children probably it's currently because that's all they all want to do. It's disgusting. It's so absurd too when you think about how long it takes to get a movie made. How many scripts re-write? Well, not when you're Louis C.K. and you write a movie where you get to like your girlfriend gets to be 17 or whatever.

His last movie that no one saw. Apparently it's just like really hard to watch. I thought that was a documentary. What? No. Yeah, yeah yeah yeah apparently like in it he like is courting this really young girl and it's just like very woody alan-esque of like having this thing i mean i've cast people in things i've written before

like when i was in like 2008 i cast ben glebeib in this little short thing because I wrote this thing where I get to make out with someone. I was like, I kind of want to make out with Ben Gleib. So I was kind of a creep in doing that. But he's also a good actor and it worked out. And he's your age.

Yeah. That's true. I do think, I guess, I'm not going to speak for Louise. Ben Affleck cast Emily Ratajkowski in Gone Girl. He wanted to suck those titties. I'm sorry.

She's a good actress. And I don't mean to. She was amazing in that. But I just. My thought. And maybe I'm wrong. Is that he made that casting choice. Because he got to cast whoever he wanted for this scene.

He's on a Robin Thicke video. That everyone else did. And then in the scene he's sucking her tits. It's like. Did he need to do that in that scene? Couldn't they have just like made out. Maybe. Like. Yeah. And I'm glad. I mean like. Maybe And then in the scene, he's sucking her tits. It's like, did he need to do that in that scene? Couldn't they have just made out and maybe... And I'm glad. I mean, maybe it was for the scene.

I don't want to get in trouble of saying she was only cast for that. But I just see... Sometimes I see... And that's... I mean, directors do that all the time. Like, I just want to be around this girl. Or I just want to be around this guy.

So I'm going to... And it doesn't mean that they're not talented. But I just think... Well, yeah. I mean, it's... I just want to be around this guy. So I'm going to, and it doesn't mean that they're not talented, but I just think. Well, yeah. I mean, it's, uh,

I feel like Louie's excuse for something like that. I'd be like, no, but I'm being self deprecating about how old and disgusting I am by showing like a younger hot person next to me who doesn't really want anything to do with me, but I have to work with my talent. That's also what he gets off on.

Yeah. It's like having girls obviously be go, oh, you're jerking off. Like he likes, I'm not even kink shaming. Like that could be a thing that you can pay people to be like, can you, there's this one guy that just wants me

to ridicule him on Raya. That's like, I just really get off on the idea of you like talking about how small my dick is on stage and it's like that's a fetish for some people it doesn't mean it's wrong I have nothing I would actually enjoy like fulfilling that dream for you and I'm not someone who hasn't

had booked people on my show because I wanted to meet them and see if there's chemistry so I'm not someone who's like not being driven by my sexual desires as well but I just I'm all I'm saying is I's like not being driven by my sexual desires as well. But I just, I'm all I'm saying is I see it when it happens. Look, I see you next story.

I mean, it is why you hired me as a dog walker. Yeah. I wouldn't want you to fuck my dogs. Luigi was into you. I wonder, I would. Yeah.

I don't think I could fuck Marion. No, Luigi would just like, Oh, I don't even want to think about it. I'd be passionate for sure. No, Luigi would be scared. No, he's uncomfortable with me.

It's been years. I would be soft. God, sometimes Andrew like makes out with Luigi, like we'll just pretend to be like making out with him, but he doesn't really like lick him. But sometimes he'll be like, oh, like, and I go, Andrew, that's not even funny. And he won't stop doing it. It's so disturbing. He's not touching Luigi, by the way.

Dog lovers out there, he's not doing anything inappropriate. No, it's fine. You can just tell everyone right now that I make out and fuck your dog. It's cool. Luigi's asshole, this is a funny story. Luigi's asshole is always showing. It's like a little brown asshole, you know? And my nephew, Arlo, when he was a baby, babies love buttons.

He just learned how to press buttons, and he thought Luigi's asshole was a button, inserted his whole finger in it, trying to push Luigi on. And my nephew, my brother-in-law told me that. He goes, it's like when Arlo pushed Luigi's butthole. And I was like, wait, what? He's like, because Luigi lived with him for a while.

And Arlo was like trying to turn the dog off by pushing. What did Luigi do? I mean. I'm sure he just took it. Luigi just takes it. As you know. Next story. That's true.

I'm a little jealous. Okay. A woman had a fake funeral for her ex-boyfriend. So the mistress thinks he's dead. Okay, so this woman found out she was pregnant. Her boyfriend was cheating. The girl reached out. She told the girl that he died,

and the girl fell for it somehow and has made Facebook posts like, what could I have done differently i miss him like she writes tributes to him all the time and she's like keeps doubling down on the fact that he's dead how'd this get out she made a tiktok video of it where she confessed that her ex has been in jail but she told his mistress oh i didn't know that helps yeah sorry so he was in jail i missed that when i read it so he's in jail so that's i guess why she can't get in touch with him and so she's like he's dead bitch yeah move on what a great move oh my god i love that so much i mean it's crazy and these people are all not

that smart but you know um do what you gotta do i I mean, I think the issue is probably not the woman that she's trying to keep away from her man. Yeah, it's probably the guy in jail that cheated on his wife. Yeah, what do you think about that? Do you think that takes two to tango? Let's say a guy's in a relationship, has a girlfriend, cheats, and then who do we blame who do we blame well i think in today's culture a lot of times we say oh no just blame the guy or the girl that's doing the cheating yeah

yeah but yeah the other person was i guess it would have just been someone else if it wasn't here's the thing i think if you knew the girlfriend and the boyfriend together, like you were friends with both of them, that's a different situation. If you never met the other person, you have literally nothing in common with, or like nothing, then it's less on you. Right.

That being said, it still could be on that person. That's because it does. If he's going to do it, like you go, there's two arguments here. Cause sometimes go this guy's uh listen i he's gonna keep doing he's done it to this girl before i have if he's doing it with me he's probably done it before or i have proof he's done it before what based on what he says but he's probably a liar so who could really trust but

then you go okay it's not me it's someone else i've done that before yeah i once got like fingered by a married guy and i was like this guy just keeps giving me vibes and i'm like i he doesn't talk about his wife he's like it doesn't seem like and then my friend was like oh he cheats all the time and i was like okay i'll let him finger me like i was just one of my i'm not like i'm not gonna be the one that breaks up his family is how i convinced myself like if he does it all the time and I didn't do anything else I didn't even acknowledge his penis like I made a point not that that's like a point of pride but I was just like he's not gonna

get anything this cheating piece of shit but I'll get fingered and did I feel guilty no and maybe should I maybe yeah he's divorced now and like in a relationship did he take his wedding ring off to put it in you no it made his finger a little bit more bulky the blood flow it fell off inside me no that was when i was very young i

would never around with a married man i hooked up with one married woman in vegas no kind of crazy i was so i went to one of these day pools that are adult day pools so girls go topless and i was like really jacked back then i was like shaving my chest and i put the bikini like the woman's bikini on and everyone's like that was that was my stand-up back then i was putting a woman's bikini on and then i looked around and every guy copied me i was like fuck you i'm the man wait did so she went topless yeah oh yeah and so then i went out that night didn't hook up with her didn't know she was married and then the next morning she wrote me and i was so hungover and i went over to her hotel room and i was like i just need to shower and i

just showered and then i walked out and just fucked her and then she, when did you find out she was married? When I came, I'm married. And I was like, who? No. Um, I think I found out before she, but yeah, we always convince ourselves.

We didn't know. Yeah. But it's like, and it felt bad, but then she texts me again. And then I was like, obviously I'm sorry. It's just like,

I, I talk about this a lot with people like, but the, the girlfriend thing. Yeah. If you don't know them, it's not like i i talk about this a lot with people like but the the girlfriend thing yeah if you don't know them it's not still not right but if you're under the impression that this happens all the time and that they're not happy in the relationship and all these things like you can convince yourself okay i'll do it but do does the other the other woman or the other man have a part to play yes yes and you have responsibility to like admit that you did something a little not right either maybe it's not as wrong as the

person who chose to cheat the problem is is if the person has a family or if the person like they don't they'll they'll fucking hate you like you're gonna get hated like you're not gonna please everyone like it's not like don't expect to be a part of the children's lives who's failed or or do well that happened to you yeah yeah your dad married married the person that he cheated with and part of it was he did that because he wanted to prove that their love was real and that he didn't just cheat to cheat like he cheated because he loved this woman, and let's make it official with the government. I remember we went bowling. That was the first time we ever met.

How Florida is that? We all went bowling together. And you knew she was the woman that you'd been cheating? Yeah, and she brought her own ball. And I was like, who is this woman? She can't do anything right. A woman that, I mean, if she didn't bring her own ball, you'd be like, that fucking whore that hurt my mom.

It was weird that my mom's face was on the ball. And I was like, really? You're going to hit the pins with that? Were you more mad at your dad or the girl when you were a kid? And was your mom more mad at your dad or the woman? Dude, my mom fucking hated her. I mean, she still does. Wait, Andrew.

I don't know because like i don't remember how old you were but do you remember what your parents relationship was like prior prior to your dad cheating i'm sure it was not a harmonious relationship they fought and then for i was telling we were talking to my brothers about it i don't remember one time we were all happy as a family. And they got divorced when I was 13. So that's 12 years of like, I don't honestly remember us all laughing together as a family.

I really try to remember it, you know? And I can't. I just think they hated each other so much. For like a year and a half, they fought every single day. Like me and Nikki did last night like every day though imagine if we did that every day no I know I grew up in a family that did that's why what would you do would you talk or would you just go to your room I would go stop

fighting and they go we're not fighting you you shut up this isn't you're not part of this you shut up Nikki you stay out of this god damn it everyone's always ganging up on me i'm going to the store fuck you and then slam the door and wouldn't come back for hours and then when she did it would be she'd come back with thrift store clothes and then she'd tell it we're not gonna talk about anything it would be very like i i would say i would i my first stand-up joke literally ever was that um when i used to my parents used to fight and when I would say, stop fighting. Because I remember thinking this. They would go, we're not fighting.

We're having a discussion. And I go, well, when we have a discussion in my fifth grade class about a tree grows in Brooklyn or whatever the fuck you read in fifth grade, my teacher doesn't throw a remote across the room and say fuck you to our class and then leave to go pick up chinese food that you never come back with and you hit a mailbox on your way out because you're speeding away so angrily and you hit reverse when you really want to go and drive that's not what happens in discussions dude that is like so that was like my first time i remember you're hitting on a nerve so much with me. I remember as a kid thinking of a stand-up and being like, it's funny that she says discussions

when classroom discussions are never... I was formulating, but that was my first thing I ever wrote. Dude, my dad, he doesn't know how loud his voice is when he yells. He yell talks, and I never yell talk. You know me. I rarely raise my voice ever. And I remember one time he was yell talking at me.

And I finally like, when you hold it in for so long, I finally like yelled back and he was just like, why are you yelling? I go, you've been yelling my whole fucking life. Like how have you? Yeah. That's the tone. The tone thing.

No one knows tone. But maybe that's why I'm so sensitive to it that's why you have to record people and go this is what you sounded like like i've recorded my parents fighting before and i won't play it for them because i know they'll get so upset and run and they'll just swarm out of the room and won't listen but if they knew what they sounded like and me too i've heard myself on podcasts where i'm already no one being recorded and I'm accountable and I still behave in ways that are like really embarrassing. So, you know,

we're all capable of it. And my parents have gotten a lot better because I don't live with them. Let's go to what do I care? So I don't hear it as much. Why do I care? All right. So Taylor Swift channeled her 1989 era

with a bedazzled matching set. I love this. I love this so much. She becomes the first woman to win the Brit Award for Global Icon. Oh, my God. Taylor dished her cardigans and went back to her matching reminiscent set of her red. Just let me take this from here. Okay, so.

You know who she is? Images surfaced last night of Taylor Swift. She looks stunning. She is. Everyone on the Swifty subreddit is commenting that she is for swifties out there this is a 1989 outfit with some red album hair and lipstick and vibes and the confidence of folklore slash evermore and it is a look this is a i mean she looks stunning you should see the whole thing i mean i i screenshotted so many things because this is what i mean she looks stunning you should see the whole thing i mean i i screenshotted

so many things because this is what i want to look like for you know we're db awards you know we're coming out of covid when people start dressing really hot again because it's like you can't look too sexy when everyone's dying yeah taylor always reads takes the pulse of the room like she was wearing you should have seen what she wore to the ACMA Taylor Swift 2020. Your boy's going to start wearing really hot short shorts. Look at this. Okay, go to that first. Look at that one. Perfect.

That. She's wearing some pleated high-waisted pants with a mock turtleneck. Her hair up in a messy lower bun. I mean, she looks fantastic. Look at that butt. I mean, and like she's wearing a whole Stella McCartney outfit. She looked amazing, but now she's back to sexy,

stomach showing. Oh, what did she say? We live in a world... Hold on. By the way, you guys, there's a deep fake I put on Instagram yesterday of Taylor. The world changed. And I ended up putting out

three albums instead. So making Folklore and Evermore was one of the most unique, cathartic, extraordinary experiences I've ever had. I would love the opportunity to thank the amazing creative people that I made those albums with. Okay, I know that. Oh my God, I love her so much.

I like seeing those pictures. I think I'm kind of in love with Taylor Swift. You're obsessed. Yeah, I know. I mean, it's an obsession. I don't know. You had the same obsession for the Counting Crows guy. Yeah, or Dave Matthews back in the day.

I'm doing Fallon today and I'm talking about Dave Matthews and I'm really trying to work out the bit. I mean, you gotta... No and I'm really trying to work out the bit. I mean, you got it. You, I mean, no, I want to do a bit about,

I mean, you'll watch Fallon tonight and see if it makes it, but I want to do a bit about how, like I'm trying to phrase it. So it's not racially like, does it, does it make anyone go? I want to make a joke about how,

like as a white young girl in the suburbs in St. Louis, Missouri in 2001 2001 like a high schooler or like no this was like 1997 a seventh grader hearing dave matthews band like ants marching i felt very cool that i learned the first rap i ever learned was candy man tempting the thoughts of a sweet dude torture by a loss. Like every white person was like, I can rap. But I don't know how to phrase it in the right way. Yeah, I mean, literally we got Vanilla Ice

and then we had Candyman and then we had Bare Naked Ladies. And then, yeah. But yeah. Chicken to China, Chinese chicken. No, that's Tony Hedgescliff's set from last night. Oh, gosh. No. R.I.P. Tony's career, hopefully.

Let's get to Collection of Curses. These are great. The show's been cur-heavy already. I mean, last night when I said that you were cur, it really did hit you. It's so funny to come up with an insult that didn't exist to you a year ago, and now it's the worst thing you could say.

You better not do it every day. I won't. I'll jump up a balcony. I caught you being cur because I felt my justification of that, I'm not going to get into what we're talking about, but was like you're acting like, wait I didn't do anything. What?

That kind of like, ugh. It's cur. To not acknowledge. Yeah, but sometimes people just don't want to acknowledge everything. And that's kuh. Kuh. Getting ready for some kuh. You left Hitler.

Kuh. So kuh. When Kirsten, my best friend from fourth grade, goes, getting ready for some kuh. Like, she's fucking funny, dude. She's awesome. She's coming here in a couple of days. Okay. Let's go through some cause that,

um, are we're sent in by our listeners. All right. We have one. Oh, listen to a voice message left from Kim. Um, about a cat.

Hi Nikki. Hi Andrew. Thank you so much for your podcast. I love listening. Um, Monday through Thursdays. Um, I have a real moment and also a mispronunciation of a word. So a few years ago, a group called or it's a single person party next door came out with an album. And I was driving in a car with a friend who I knew loved Party Next Door.

So I wanted to be real cool and suggest listening to one of the new songs. And the song I suggested was Rendezvous. But the song is actually Rendezvous. rendezvous oh my god kim coming in with a and a mispronunciation you know i like the mispronunciation and the reveal is the actual no everyone always gives the actual word and then the reveals after i like kim is a an all-star and she should be on our staff because that is i mean that the way she presented it you're right if you do mispronunciations there's no wrong way to call into the show and leave a voicemail but like let's give us what you said and we'll try to figure out the word oh yeah because ron desvos is i've been saying santa

monica the whole time we've been here last night you did a show in santa monica i did do a show in santa monica um kim so funny and yes you're right that is k you were like you want to listen to I've been saying Santa Monica the whole time we've been here. Last night you did a show in Santa Monica. I did do a show in Santa Monica. Kim, so funny. And yes, you're right. That is Ke. You were like, you want to listen to this song that like, I just know that you think is a cool new artist and maybe you'll think I'm cool. And then you don't say the name.

It's so fucking funny. Ke is so great when the stakes are higher. Like, I mean, I know that's low stakes, but when you're trying to seem Ke, the stakes are higher like i mean i know that's low stakes but when you're trying to seem the stakes get higher well the thing you keep mispronouncing that is so funny is the girl from uh the hills that was married to jay cobb cavalry you keep going cavalier you know that jeff dye's still dating cavalier and i go i do i did not know that kristen cavalier kissed kristen cavalieri and him are still together but i did cap being cap being cavalier what does that mean do you know it means being a beautiful dog with big ears no it means being like shout out to my little brother's two dogs

they're cavaliers he is too kink charles okay well yeah being a being cavalier means being like fine like i think it means being like um letting it go like oh i'm fine like i don't like i'm cavalier about um i mean i'm not really care free carefree thank you all right let's go to lyra she wrote into the show there's another voicemail unless you don't want to do it do we want want to do another? Let's do another voicemail from Rowan. You got a lot to live up to, Rowan. Hi, besties. This is Rowan from Saudi Arabia.

I'm a big fan of Nikki Glaser, and I learned about her from watching her Netflix specials. I have a cool moment that I want to share with you guys. My sister, when she was in second grade, told her classmates that she was a trainer and she was training us, her siblings, in a big gym in our house, which is obviously a big lie. That's pretty cool, I would say.

At the end of the day and first and foremost, I love you guys. Bye. End of the day and first and foremost, Rowan, bye end of the day and first and foremost rawan i love you so much how do we reach country other oh my god okay her sister told people that she was training her siblings in second grade yeah it's it's it's maybe the first kid that second grader ever had in a life of many kids and my sister's still a little bit but that is really cute and i think we all told lies like that i didn't realize that like yeah we were all very when we were young and

we didn't realize that people could see through us being cut like now as an adult cuz get funnier because you're as an adult you should be self-aware enough that everyone knows you're trying to look cool but kids are constantly trying to be like i mean every high school kid i jumped this high and you're like that's impossible you're two so you're cut right now i'm gonna start calling my name i'm gonna start killing my nephew and niece it's kind of like a gateway like that same like she's a trainer in second grade and by 16 she's revving her engine at a movie theater like we i could we could pick them out early it's this is another one where it's a young girl okay so this is uh this is from lyra hi lyra she says okay so i work at a hospital and this porsche is always parked like an at an angle like it's on display oh my god i hate when people park at

angles one day the dude that owns the vehicle was on his phone, leaning against it, talking on the phone. She wrote. And then you want to get the next part? Well, I just want to talk about the Porsche at an angle or the person that parks their car away from other cars so it doesn't get dinged because it's such a nice car. Get out of here, you fucking dick. Yes. Okay. So next part. Also, my nine-year-old daughter has heelies which are sneakers with wheels on

the heels we live in this cute little university town and we were walking down the street to get brunch at a cray place she was scooting along on her wheel sneakers and to herself like she was her own narrator she said i don't walk i ride oh and in my head, I was like, I love carrying children. This is the theme. Children. I mean, that is a funny line for your daughter to say. So your daughter seems delightful. But for her saying that to herself is so cute, too.

I don't walk. I ride. Anyone that narrates their own life is care. Yes. Yes. But carrying your kids i like really am into this just kill your kids out there and teach your kids cut like teach your kids to cut people because it's a way that's in to insult people that really it is almost the same thing i was realizing that harris whittles came up with with humble brag you know when people on twitter would be like,

I'm in LA and I have so many meetings, I can't even, and it's just like, we get it, you're in LA doing meetings, kuh. So kuh and Humblebrag are very close together. I will say that I coined kuh before Humblebrag, although Humblebrag is a whole thing in and of itself that I love and you still see all the time. That's it for collection of cuz. Thank you for

sending yours in. Let's get into final thought. Andrew, can I just finish what my day is? Of course. Is this a humble brag? I mean, it's not. I promise you it's not. I do not think I'm cool.

I do cuh things, but I really don't think I'm that cool, especially after finding out that Leslie Jones is hosting something where Snoop Dogg is the house DJ and my house DJ is Kim Lee from Bling Empire. And I don't even know her.

She's probably actually amazing. She's probably more famous than Snoop Dogg right now. No, she's legit. I was just saying that as a joke and also I don't know who she is. I don't know a lot of the people that are going to be there, but I'm finding out about them. Anyway, today I have...

Okay, I have a fitting in an hour here. Then I have to get ready for Fallon. And then I have Fallon at 2. That'll air tonight, you guys. So if you're listening to this, I'm on Fallon tonight or last night, but it's probably on YouTube at this point. So do check that out.

And then I finish Fallon at 3 or around then. And then I go to MTV rehearsal space. I go to the Palladium to rehearse for tomorrow's show at 4.30. So I have an hour and a half there. Hang out, maybe play a little guitar with a guitar me and emile learned um i've been trying to get a meal to like because we have two guitars here because i had carlisle uh have her boyfriend bring one over so because i when there's two people that are at this me and emile are at like the kind of the same level

he's more into like doing lead stuff and i just want to like learn how to strum songs but he can't sing at least he says he can't he probably can't he's too scared to sing i'm trying to get emile to like sing even though i know he can um it's too vulnerable though men's singing is probably has like a really high pitch like beautiful songbird voice as a gorgeous voice um he's like i can't sing i can't sing and he's like, I want to rock your body like a Range Rover. Yeah. Or something like that. But we learned how to sing.

We learned how to play like a Range. Is that a lyric? No, but it got Noah pretty good. Noah's dying. Noah's cracking up. It probably sounds better in headphones. You know when you sing it. It's just so random.

Like a Range Rover? Like a Range Rover. It's funny. It's a pretty good line. I literally thought it was a lyricixie Dard? It's just so random. Yeah. Like a Range Rover? Like a Range Rover. It's funny. It's a pretty good line. I literally thought it was a lyric. That's why I wasn't that impressed.

That was a real thing. I think you were combining I want to rock your body day to day. Range Rover. Yeah. What's that song? Range Rover.

What's that? You know. I drove my car past your house last night i drove wait what no that's sledgehammer oh yeah range rover yes uh what's her name olivia rodrigo who was influenced by taylor swift and became famous in during covet finally met taylor swift last night at the brit awards and everyone's like oh my god they're meeting and there's so many pictures of it um then at so I go to rehearsal from 4 30 to 6 then we have a COVID test then I have a stand-up

show at 7 then I have a stand-up show at 9 and then I also have what I could go to at 10 30 if I want to run my set again and then I can go to bed. And then tomorrow morning I wake up and do the warts. It's the fullest day ever. It's a very cool day. It's, I mean, it is. No, no,

no. I'm just, I don't think I'm cool. I'm a little bit worried about Fallon. I gotta be honest because I don't usually going into Fallon. I know like when you have a conversation with someone, I'm obviously used to doing podcasts and stuff, but when it just needs to be jam-packed with jokes of like,

I just don't want it to be a meandering conversation. But the truth is most celebrities go on Fallon and actors and stuff, and they don't have punchlines, and it's fine. You're going to have – Jimmy's a great, great host, great laugher, great enthusiasm, great listener, allows you to do what you do. But I just just on these kind of days where it's like usually fallon would be all my focus but now i'm like oh i'm working on

the mtv jokes i can't do on mtv i'm gonna do on fallon so if you're doing if you're doing stand up i understand like if you were having to do stand up on fallon the fact that you're talking like conan like conan like Conan like Conan you really Conan you really practice for and then about 25% of it was off the cuff stuff that was honestly maybe some of the best stuff there so you're gonna be good you have a plan I bet you it goes off the rails a little bit the picture of me meeting Dave Matthews yeah you should show a picture of your Dave Matthews light the light switch the light switch at home is that funny yes you went from the light switch to real life yeah it's like

you turned the switch on and you met him it's it's fucking unbelievable it's like back to the future yeah it was it's it is the picture is so funny because i say to him i'm like jimmy i this picture i knew it was going to mean more to me than any photograph i've ever taken in my life what's a photograph that i could say like it means more to me let's like write a joke right now that people will hear then it means more to me this photograph meant more to me than um the photograph what's a photograph of like the vietnam soldiers holding up the flag yeah yeah yeah something along those lines name for there a name for that? I knew this photo would mean more to me than probably my, I mean, people care about wedding photos.

People care about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My future husband, our wedding photos, our engagement photos will have nothing on this photo. There's something about like, I knew this photo would be

next to my casket someday. No, that doesn't make sense. And Dave will be playing. Say goodbye. Say goodbye. But the picture I tried to look so cute in and it just looks my face is just so scrunched up and excited. And it's just it's it's honestly pretty cute because I'm just like I couldn't hide my feelings. And pictures are so fake like when we smile in pictures i'm just like that's not how anyone ever looks you know

what smile how you do in pictures if you were like sitting next to your mom for a mother's day photo okay i've literally never seen you smile like that you never have no i would i usually go like this actually okay i see you look like that. That's just when you're. A smirk. Smiles are so fake. Like Mother's Day photos next to your mom are a fake smile. I know, but then I think we go the other way.

Where it's like everyone has a quirky face. It's like, can we just. Oh, I'm quirky. Oh, God. I'm wild. I hate when people make ugly faces in photos because they're scared that if they actually look ugly, they can. It's just such a defense when people are like make like a silly face because they're scared of vulnerability of actually trying to look good and then not looking good. And that's why music is so humiliating when men when people sing.

Men who sing like I love you. They like moan their emotions out of their mouth. It's so vulnerable and so hilarious. But I don't, the only thing that I would argue that it's not that vulnerable is because they get such a positive reaction from it. So it's like,

but still to take that chance and not know if that positive reaction is coming. Yeah, I guess it depends how good you are. Yeah, I mean, yeah, it could go pretty bad. It takes a lot of confidence and probably narcissism and sociopathy, but we gotta go. Thank for listening that's wait are we done no tomorrow yes

tomorrow the day of the awards watch Fallon tonight check out my tour Nikki Glaser dot com slash tour keep leaving us voice memos and send in your cuz we'll get to them at another time thank you everyone to that sentence stuff and it listens every day we love you so much besties and with a cake because it's for kids.

Yeah. Kids. Yeah. Kids. Kill your kids. It sounds like we said kill your kids. Wouldn't be a bad idea. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show and he's bringing his signature wit and insight

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We want to speak out and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, an investigative journalist, and this is my journey deep into the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy in my adult. He was like, I'll take you to the top, I'll make you a star.

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hey, now's your chance. You gotta check them out. Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love.

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