The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #311 As They Should!
Episode Date: January 25, 2023Nikki is so over rude celebrities and the fake cosmetics she bought off of Amazon. She is also not into people getting "goosed" at her meet and greets. In what was a weekend full of inappropriate mome...nts, like being told a joke about a hastily packed suitcase, a hotel being up in Nikki's business, the altercation Nikki had with a drunk woman at the Dave Chappelle/Chris Rock show takes the cake. The tension gets cut by the fact that Nikki, Anya and Noa don't know much about government. Would it have been worth it for Nikki to get punched in the face? Besties share stories about getting sober, using hair as a hygiene product and why an elderly lady put a teabag in her snatch in Fanthrax. In the Final Thought, they talk about how they tease their partners with unexpected flirts. --------- Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Get Pod Merch: Podshop.NikkiGlaser.com Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Anya's Patreon: patreon.com/anyamarina  More Nikki: IG More Anya: IG More producer Noa: IG     See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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We want to speak out
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Here's Nikki.
Hello, here I am. Welcome to the show. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am.
Welcome to the show.
It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast.
Starting the week off fresh.
It's Tuesday, guys.
Welcome to the show.
Anya Marina is here.
Hey, bubba.
With gorgeous lipstick on.
Is that a new color?
A new shot?
It's three colors in one.
Three in one.
You mix and match.
It's a hybrid.
I saw you had some new lipstickies on tour this weekend.
How do you pick them out?
Do you order them online?
Out of desperation?
Right.
But like, where do you go?
Like, how do you know?
I cry.
Lipsticks are hard to, you just show up crying at a Sephora.
Believe it or not, these are hand-me-downs from Kate Walsh.
I just get stuff from my celebrity friends. I have two, you and Kate.
But when did she, like, were you just over at her house
and she's like, here's my lipstick, straw growl, go. Yeah, she's like, I got sent all
this shit, do you want it? And she gave me a huge box of stuff, which I have made last
I think three and a half years, but I got hooked on this one. It's
Anastasia, and it's soft pink.
People ask me about this all the time.
I'm not one of those girls.
Actually, I am one of those girls that hates giving my secrets away.
But I'm telling you now because I want you.
This is the best lipstick.
Soft pink matte by Anastasia.
Every girl is a girl who hates giving secrets away.
That's why I never trust people who give their secrets away because it's not really their secret.
Unless it's me telling you the plant squalling ordinary plants when they do not buy it
on amazon do not i made the mistake this weekend i've heard rumors that buying skincare on amazon
you get sometimes they have the bottles but then they'll put different stuff in it that's cheap
but i only thought that would be for high-end products you know your drunk elephants
your uh ori bays i don't know what whatever the fuck is like over 20 for a thing mine's 750 for
a little thing five dollars on support i don't even know why i went to amazon i paid 10 it was
in a bundle and i paid 20 for it so i go oh it's more it arrives i've been using this stuff for
over five years i know what the consistency is and this was gelatinous and the real consistency is more water
And i'm like I got screwed so do not buy your skincare on amazon
Do not buy your skincare on amazon. Do not buy your skincare on amazon. They are repackaging it with cheaper shit and it's like
And you think that why would they do that for a five dollar thing?
How much more money could they save by it's five dollars but they do and i wrote an angry review it's the first review i've ever
written on amazon for anything because people need to say i just said this product i've heard
rumors of this happening and this is a hundred percent happening because i've used this product
forever the packaging is exactly the same down to the cardboard box the little thing comes in
but inside it is not the product
and it made me mad because this is my number one product and i'm just imagine someone has the chance
to find this product product and it for to change their life the way it did me and if i would have
brought bought this product for the first time from amazon i would never use it again and i would
still be wearing night creams that are 80 that don't absorb anything and this is five it's changed
my life.
So do not buy it from Amazon.
Buy it from Sephora.
It's super cheap.
What's it called again?
It's the Ordinary 100% Plant Squalane.
Squalane.
The Ordinary is the best skincare stuff.
Wow.
Okay, cool.
It's clean.
It's cheap.
And it's simple.
I just love it.
But yeah, and then Anastasia Light Rose.
What the hell was it called?
Soft Pink.
Soft Pink.
Soft Labia and it's matte.
Yeah.
Well, your ideal shade for your lips is the color of your nipple.
We do know that.
So mine is brown. I love brown.
No, I'm guessing yours are like translucent,
a little like pinkish.
My nips?
Yeah.
Like mine.
Because we have the same
kind of skin tone.
I guess I've never seen your nips.
Yours seem perfect.
You've seen mine so many times.
I thought yours were perfect
and kind of like a brownie thing.
They can be brown sometimes,
but then when they're like not,
they're like more pink.
Oh, maybe it has to do with cold.
You know like when they're harder,
they get brown because they condense.
Yes.
Yeah.
No one needs to hear this. They do. The skin skin condenses i bet men's balls do the same thing when you're cold and it contracts your ball color gets probably darker yeah um what's i
just gonna say about tits i want to say that um to toot my own tits i was doing a...
I can't do it. That was Anya's voice, by the way.
Do it again, Anya. That was Nikki's left tit. Here's her right one.
Yeah.
That's so good.
That's so good.
My stylist, Dani and Emma, they do a lot of
celebrities. And the other day when we were fitting
for the Critics' Choice Awards
and Chris was there,
they did me a favor. I don't even know they did it because Chris was there. They did me a favor.
I don't even know they did it because Chris was there, but they were like
because my tits were
falling out of this one dress. I bent over
and they just both came out. I'm like, guys, this isn't going to work.
I was fastening my shoe and they both came out
and I came back up and I'm like, they're both out.
Fully out.
It was like I was a woman
in a tribe who was feeding her child.
You know when the kid just takes the tit out?
It was a dress made for that.
And so Emma was like, one of my friends just asked me recently,
who of all our clients has the best boobs?
And it was hands down you.
And I was like, are you serious?
And she was like, that is so.
I was like, I don't even care if i want to
quit critics choice awards you've seen so many famous they've seen jessica alba's tits i mean
i don't know if she saw it because that day they had to rock paper scissors because they either
had to work with me or jessica alba so one of them had to take each of them and i gotta be honest
they were hoping to get me because i'm a good hang and they didn't know alba ended up being
great but they were like she could be fucking hard to deal with. Because guess what? Most celebrities are not that pleasant of people.
The higher up you go, you're kind of an asshole. I'm just tired of it. Tired of hearing stories
about successful people being jerks. Beloved people that you love. It's not just Ellen.
This is the thing. There's so many more Ellens, people that you love
who are just genuinely mean to people all the time. And you hear it from the stylist.
What did you say? And you hear the real deal from the stylist. You hear it from trainers. You hear
it from stylists. You hear it from drivers. This is makeup artists. They're all talking.
A lot of them are really diplomatic about it, but you ask around and you know, you know, who's cunty and you know
what? Go on Demois. You'll find out there too. You'll find out I eat a dry salad with lots of
pepper, but you won't hear I'm a cunt. And if you do, I'm telling you they had it coming. Cause I,
I don't treat people cruelly, especially people who are waiting on me and doing jobs for me, getting
paid less to do so much more hard work than me just sitting there and memorizing some
lines.
It's just insane to me that ever actors or talent, the word talent just needs to get
out of the fucking door.
That's what we're referred to on set.
Talent's coming through, talent walking.
I'm like, easy.
I'm hosting FBoy Island. It doesn't
take that much.
Mediocrity coming through.
Luck coming through.
Her parents
supported her for
five years when most people's parents would
have pulled out. Otherwise, she would be
working at a middle school right now, coming
through. That's what they should do.
All your former credits former substitute teacher and yeah former babysitter talent it just makes you
walk in a room like oh my god who am i and yeah you need to have a little confidence i recently
told chris i'm not staying at an airbnb in la when we go out there that is a place where
an affordable place i'm not doing it i had a good year i want to be somewhere
that makes me feel nice i want to be in luxury it sucks that to have a nice place in la it's like
800 a fucking night and i know that that is horrifying to some people and they're like
nikki you couldn't be more out of touch i know but i i don't want to feel like I'm roughing it anymore because it really depresses me.
And even if like, like we'd say in a really nice place, but it was so expensive, but it was not super nice, but it was so expensive in Santa Monica.
What do you like to have?
Because to not live on like a homeless encampment, it's like, you know, you got to pay up.
What?
What do you like to have?
Like, what is it?
Because you said that it doesn't make you feel good.
Nice.
What do you like to have like what is it because you said that it doesn't make you feel nice what do you like walls nice decor uh tasteful like space clean texture she wants textured wallpaper i want texture like my friend saralina i want i want things to be nice i don't want
pictures of like you know that you got it um at HomeGoods of like a beach setting.
I don't care what it is, but I just want some taste and I want space.
And I want to be able to sing really loud and not have the neighbors complain.
I want that.
And I just want to feel like a little bit special.
Sing is code for have sex with Chris.
No, we're not having sex right now.
Are you kidding me? We're both so busy. It's not happening.
I just need to wail Taylor Swift songs about
how I'm not having sex.
No, I am satisfied. Don't you worry
about it. But no, we're not having
screaming sex anymore.
Remember that person that asked if
you were being murdered?
I was auditioning for the new Saw
franchise movie. It was oneing for the new Saw franchise movie.
It was one of the torture scenes.
No, I just want to feel nice.
But here's the thing.
That's my out-of-touch celebrity thing.
It's like, Nikki needs to stay at a place that's $1,000 a night or whatever the hell it's going to cost.
But you know what I don't mean is to treat people badly to make myself feel better.
And that's what most celebrities do. they're staying at night place nice places so before you roll your
eyes at me which i would too and be like you really need to stay in a nice place at least i
don't like want to make people feel bad about themselves all the time like so many celebrities
do it's kind of gross you don't even want because then you have to be friends with these people
because they're at the top and you have to act like you get invited to the things they go to and you have
to like schmooze with them.
And then you like are friends with assholes.
I don't know.
I don't know where you draw the line where you're like, I don't really want to be friends
with you guys, but it would help my career.
And then maybe I could get more information to ruin you someday when you die and I write
a tell all.
That's why I love Kathy Griffin.
No holds. Yes. Someone recently,
like I've been posting this woman
who does dubs over celebrities.
Her name is Simon Simontina or something.
I forget her.
Oh, yeah.
She's so funny.
I was watching all her videos today.
How good are they?
The Gwyneth one I posted,
I was like,
I only post Gwyneth
when she's being mocked
because get her off your screen. If you are following Goop or Gwyneth one I posted, I was like, I only post Gwyneth when she's being mocked because get her off your screen. If you are following Goop or Gwyneth, do yourself. This is like,
we should do goop-less January. You know how people are doing dry January? See how it feels
to get Gwyneth and all of that bullshit. Any influencer who has a green juice, perfect life,
get them off your feed and see how you feel. as much as you want drink alcohol all you want january use drugs get those people off your feed where you don't see them
every day and see how it makes you feel because it does feel great the second i took gwyneth and
goop off my feed i don't have to deal with that shit anymore and you don't see it you're not
comparing yourself maybe you guys have less of a problem with it than i do but i can't handle it so that girl is so funny lisa timmons is her name yes lisa timmons oh she's so funny she makes she's me
with us like writing like she feels the same way about celebrities i do
except she had one about her and i was like easy oh she did back away you back off bitch
the the thing about j-lo applying. Oh, that was so good.
A little melanin is really great, but just the right amount.
Not too much because I want a career.
But the one with Viola Davis.
Viola Davis. Talking to everyone about all these white people about.
Nepo babies.
No, she's talking about just black people in film and being like, it's just so good.
She's so,
this woman is so good.
So yeah.
Uh,
what's the name again?
Lisa Timmons.
Lisa Timmons.
T I M M O N S.
Uh,
so check her stuff out.
My nose is bleeding today.
What?
Because I just washed my face and I forgot to take off my pinky ring.
I don't know if I think I'm in the mob or something,
why I have a pinky ring,
but my sister bought me like a really expensive
like pair of pants at this,
what's it called?
Thrift store in St. Louis,
this really cool thrift store.
And they were like gold
and they're really cool to wear on stage.
And she was like, they fit me.
So they'll probably fit you.
Did not fit me, embarrassing, whatever.
So I returned them
and this store had nothing I wanted. I mean, my sister was like, you, wait, so they'll probably fit you. Did not fit me. Embarrassing. Whatever. So I returned them. And this store had nothing I wanted.
I mean, my sister was like, wait till you get in the store.
You'll want everything.
And I'm like, why do you want to dress like a sister wife?
Like, I don't get what's going on.
Oh, really?
It was all like Laura Ashley stuff?
No, it was just, it just wasn't my style.
I like my sister and I just differ in that way.
But I found this little gold ring that has a,
um,
a J or a P.
I don't know what it has is a signet,
but it fits only on my pinky.
And it hooked today when I was washing my nose on my nose and ripped the cartilage like horribly.
And so my nose outside my nostrils bleeding pretty bad.
Um,
maybe feel alive because it hurts so but sometimes you know
when you hurt yourself you bang your head and there's no blood and you're like come on give me
something i just suffered so much no one's gonna be able to tell that this was actually painful
i love a little blood it's a perfect amount it looks like a little dot like i almost have a
piercing there but i felt like that when i slipped and fell on black ice
in kalamazoo leaving the hotel room and i i fell like like an animated character slipping and
falling i was like and then like landed on my back and then this pellegrino bottle i watched
it in slow motion it fell and then it just shattered all around me and i was like oh i
hope i have some kind of cool wound for how much pain I'm feeling on my hand.
And there was nothing.
It was just like I skinned my hand, but you couldn't see anything.
Yeah, there's like an indent of gravel, but that's it,
and you're just like, it looks like you were just sleeping on some gravel,
and the people are just like, I don't have any sympathy for you
unless it's bleeding.
Like you need blood to get that simp.
We were in Kalamazoo.
We were in Juliet, Illinois,
like depressing Midwest cities, cold.
I say that as being from a depressing Midwest city,
cold St. Louis.
So I'm throwing rocks in my cold glass house.
I understand that.
But yeah, we stayed in like kind of shitty hotels
because there's like no nice hotel there was a nice hotel in kalamazoo i guess it was really
too expensive it's like you know if it were just me on the road i'd be staying nice places but you
gotta put up uh you know for us it's just two rooms so maybe we should bump it up anyway
we stayed at like places that i would have stayed when I was working in honky-tonks.
It's fine.
Honky-tonks?
I went to Kalamazoo in probably 2005 and worked at some sports bar.
And then they put you at the Super 8 across.
And now that Super 8 is now a home to suites.
And it's like a little bit.
It was nice.
Things are clean. bit it was nice things are clean
the staff was nice one guy in kalamazoo the front desk knew me which is always sweet but he
stay bridge sweets yeah in kalamazoo shout out to zeke who worked for desk or whatever his name is
it was something like zeke and he was a fan and he kept trying to get my attention and i was just
not in the mood for it because there were lots of people in the
lobby. I just didn't want to have a moment. I could tell
his comment was going to be inappropriate. I could
just tell. But then I went to the gym
and I forgot my key in the gym. So I had to go
to front desk to ask to get let back in the gym
and of course Zeke is there and he's like, lets me
and he goes, and I'm on the phone with my fucking
egg freezing doctor as I'm doing it.
He's talking to me and I'm like, sorry, I'm on the phone. I'm just in a
rush. I need to get a key. I'm sorry. I don't mean to be rude but I'm on the phone. I'm muting the phone and then I me and I'm like, sorry, I'm on the phone. I'm just in a rush. I need to get a key. I'm sorry. I don't mean to be rude,
but I'm on the phone. I'm muting the phone and then I unmute
and I'm like, yeah, I can do that.
So I start injections on this day and he's just like,
I just have to tell you. I'm like, you don't have to just tell
me anything. I just told you I'm on the phone.
It's your job to get me a key. Let me back in
the gym. I wasn't being rude at
all. And then he has to stop me
and say, I just need to say,
did you bring a hastily packed suitcase
which is a reference to my joke about my vagina which is inappropriate zeke i know it and i said
oh that's a good because it's travel related hotel but also that was generous don't don't
talk about my vagina i know i do but why do you think you can? I got it, dude.
I got to tell you this quick thing about your clit.
I'm a huge fan.
And, you know, people bring me pictures of Hasty Packed Suitcases for me to sign.
People reference Hasty Packed Suitcases all the time.
If you're buying tickets to my show, fine.
Say whatever you want to me.
Just know that I am rolling my eyes and making fun of you behind your back because do better.
But I do love,
I mean,
I met so many besties this weekend.
They were all so sweet.
They all are just like people I would hang out with.
I,
there's none of that weirdness.
There was one weird guy,
really weird guy this weekend.
And it was ironic because he was at a show where we had cops.
I've started getting cops in my shows cause I'm scared.
Someone's going to Christina Grimmie me.
Look it up if you've never heard of it.
It's the most horrifying thing ever.
She is a girl that was on, I believe, The Voice.
And then she was at a meet and greet
and someone just came up and shot her, point blank,
a guy that was in love with her.
And she had never even met him before.
And he had for months been talking about her
and telling people that it was his girlfriend
and that they talked online.
And he got hair transplant for her. He he got a trainer he got in shape and then he didn't even
try to like meet her he just walked up to her and shot her i'm like why did you get a hair transplant
and then her brother immediately tackles him to the ground while his daughter his sister is
bleeding to death because she's got shot point blank in the chest i think in the head
and then the guy struggles away and then shoots himself so we never got any answers
um but i oftentimes at meet and greets men will come up to me with their hands in their pockets
single men solo men which i don't have a problem with in fact i encourage people to go solo to my
shows but they walk up and they have their hand in the product because they're nervous
and they look nervous and guess what you would? You would be nervous before you met someone you really cared about.
And you would also be nervous before you killed someone you really care about.
That would be a nervous guy.
So the energy is the same.
And so I honestly, probably five times in my career, have braced myself to die.
Where I go, this is it.
This 50-50 odds you're about to die right now.
And I'm sick of feeling that way. So I'm going to start having cops come just to like,
at least shoot the guy.
If he shoots me,
they're not really going to have a chance to tackle him before he just
pulls out a gun and shoots me.
I really don't have a preventative.
I got to start doing maybe metal detectors,
lie detector tests where people go,
do you have a gun?
And then a little man with a machine goes,
he's not lying.
Um,
but this weekend, a guy comes up and these people come up
before him and they're like really sweet take a picture and they go get ready for the guy and then
next up and i go oh thanks for the warning i could already tell this guy was causing trouble because
i could i'm just you know you just sent your surroundings and he comes up and he goes they
were no fun i go why and he was like i goosed them they didn't like it i go what do you mean you goosed them he's like i goosed them and i was like you good like and if
you don't know what goose means it means you like grab their butt like a goose would like a goose
if it was biting you just you kind of like honk honk honk you know it's to a vagina it's to a butt
i knew about goosing because in the 90s my aunt aunt got goosed. She was at Ace Hardware picking up
something for my grandma and we were all at the house and she came back and she was like,
I got goosed. And we were all laughing because we had never heard of it. And everyone's just like,
I look back on it and I'm like, so sorry, Aunt Nancy, that we all laughed that you got goosed
because everyone didn't know what that was. And then you told us what it was and we still laughed.
I will say I was in fourth grade, so I was allowed to still laugh Because I didn't understand what sexual harassment was
But the rest of my family
Shame on you
Aunt Nancy got goosed by a stranger
At a fucking Ace Hardware
And this guy's goosing people in my line
And I go why are you goosing
He goes can I goose you
And I go no but you know what
You can ask me if you can goose me
Do that
And he goes I used to goose a lot do that. And he goes, I used to
goose a lot of women back at the bars and the fucking, I used to goose them all the time. And I
go, why? I go, don't goose women. He goes, I don't, I don't. And I go, you promise me right now,
you will never goose another person. That is weird. And he goes, I don't even go to bars.
And I go, but you will go to a bar someday and you might pick up goosing again and I go all you have to do is ask ask if you can goose someone honestly that is okay to me just ask for consent
and he was like okay and it was just like I the cops are right there I'm like get this guy the
guy that the goosing the goosing man of Kalamazoo from 1997 who has probably multiple reports of
goosing women many at Kroger.
That's him.
That's your guy.
He just admitted to it in front of cops.
It was wild.
I've never heard of anything.
But that's the thing.
He's like, that's my whole thing though.
I goose.
Like that's what I'm known for.
They call me the goose.
He was with someone too.
And I go, how can you let this guy out?
Like get this guy out of here.
It was just so wild to me.
And it made me realize that like creeps don't even fucking know they're creeps they're so stupid they like they thought it was
funny to goose people like i'm not saying not all creeps know but like some creeps get off from the
fact that they are creeps and they like that part of it but this guy like genuinely thought goosing
was like a fun past time or something word Yeah, it's just a cute word for inappropriate touch.
Unreal.
And I'm so sorry to the people in front of me.
I think he did it to the man and he said she was pissed.
Like his girlfriend was pissed.
And I go, she had every right to be.
Fuck you for goosing.
Why do guys goose each other's balls?
I've seen this a lot like with guy friends.
Because they're fucking Dying for affection
They're dying to be touched
And the only way
They do it is like
In a
Flicking a towel
Hyperbolic gay way
So it's like
Not really touching
Because I would never
Fucking actually
They're dying to
But I really want warmth
And I'm just gonna go
For your scrotum
Because that way
No one will ever
Misconstrued that
I'm actually seeking
Intimacy
With my
With fellow men.
But that's really what I want. I want to touch someone, but I got to do it in a jokey way. We
got to go to break. We'll come back with more of my thoughts about things that I don't know about
and have really no degree for right after this. 2025 is bound to be a fascinating year. It's
going to be filled with money challenges and opportunities. I'm Joel.
Oh, and I am Matt. And we're the hosts of How To Money. We want to be with you every step of the
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Good people. what's up?
It's Questo, Questlove.
And Team Supreme and I have been working hard
to bring you some incredible episodes of Questlove Supreme
with guests you definitely don't want to miss.
Now, one of the things I love about this Questlove Supreme podcast
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This season, we've had some amazing one-on-one conversations like
i'm pay bill chatting up with hit maker sam holland sugar steve chatting with the legend
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Listen to Questlove Supreme
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Okay.
Also,
wait, there was another story
that I was dying to tell about this weekend.
I know.
I have on my list Goose and Guy.
Yeah, Goose and Guy was out of control.
The shows were really fun.
We had a good time.
You had fun, right?
Oh, my God.
It was so fun.
You were riffing on songs in Joliet, and it was like the first time I had seen you kind
of just riffing and doing jokes in the middle of singing.
I was like, oh, there's something happening here. It was really cool. It was fun.
Yeah. I wanted to sing Antihero because that's the song I've been practicing with my voice coach
who is very encouraging and he helped me. We worked on that song the other day. And so it was
like, oh, I guess in Kalamazoo, I was like, the sound is so good. I of want to just like sing an extra song because i sang one song with you and then i was like i
want another one why are people calling me my fucking front desk is calling me something's
happening downstairs a fire i'm in trouble do you ever feel like you're in trouble everywhere you go
it's probably just like your protein bars arrived ma'am i wish i always think a phone call means i'm in trouble that's so trouble
yes i almost got in trouble this weekend i like smoked a little weed in my hotel room in uh
kalamazoo because i was about to go work out it's not like i'm smoking weed to be like oh
just hang out there all day and fucking jerk off and watch fucking anime i do it so i can like get shit done and i smoked a little weed and then
i left my and the place smells like an armpit anyway weed is dressing up the place and then
this person like i could see that someone from the front desk like came and i was in the very
far end of this place i think they saw me blowing it out the window that's how they knew and then
they came and they stood outside my door and i'd already left to go to the gym. So I passed this
person who was going to reprimand me in the hall. And then I waited and I was like, I bet they're
going to my door. And then they just stood outside my door, like angry. And I'm like,
charge me the 250. I don't care. You know, when I'm going through spurts of the smoking pot,
I always just go, they're like, there's a $250 smoking fee. And I go, charge it. Let me just
smoke him. Like it doesn't linger. And I know people are like that is rude it lingers then ask to switch rooms i do
it all the time i got to a smoking room the other day that smelled like cigarettes i'd ask to change
rooms i'm sorry i paid the extra 250 let me do it i have an addiction um so i almost got in trouble
and i the whole time on the treadmill like at the gym i'm like there's gonna be cops there when i
get back and then i'm like wait a's going to be cops there when I get back. And then I'm like, wait a second. It's illegal here, recreationally, medicinally. Also, please arrest me for weed.
I've been arrested three times already for it. Do it again. I need a little bump in the press.
That would be amazing to get arrested. I had like a good face that day. I was like, I'm mugshot ready.
I was like practicing the face I would make, which was really. And I was like, oh, this is going to
be good. But that's how much my mind spins. And then I got back to my room and there was not even a note there. So I was fine.
And the room didn't smell. So what was I going to say about? Oh, yeah. So we sang the anti-hero
song. And then I was realizing that people aren't getting the song. They're not hearing the lyrics.
They're not understanding why the song is so good. And then, because the song is about being depressed, even though like it's, it's my,
one of my favorite Taylor Swift songs lyrically, because she really admits to being a narcissist.
She admits to being depressed.
She admits to like second guessing herself all the time.
And this is Taylor Swift.
And I feel like she's really letting us in on some demons very specifically and that
we can all relate to.
And it's just catchy as fuck.
You can't, you can't you can't
deny that and so um i felt like oh there's lots of jokes i have that relate to these like lyrics
and so in between the lyrics i would tell jokes to justify because i also feel about
what you also feel what i also feel like i shouldn't be singing and i feel like bad that
i'm people are like i paid to see comedy and she's just like doing karaoke like this is rude you're so good it's just it's fine but it's not what I'm known
for so I also feel like I still have to dress it up like I I care about people spending their money
to see what they paid to see and they did not see pay to see me sing that's another thing that they
some of them may do that but that's not what these people paid for. So I feel indulgent. You say you're like an hour and a half, though.
Yeah, but still that could be
five more minutes of comedy that someone wants.
And that could be the story they tell themselves
if they don't like one thing about my act,
they could say,
and it was really indulgent, she sang a song.
They always use something,
they remember the thing.
I went to go see a comedy show last night.
What do I remember about it?
The lows. I remember the high highs and the low
lows I know what people do
psychologically when they go see a show
they remember the best thing and they remember the worst thing
and everything in between they kind of just forget
so
wait what were you going to say Anya what was your question
what was that verse about do you think
that Taylor Swift where she's talking
about her nightmare of,
you know,
her future relatives fighting?
Oh,
the sister,
my daughter,
and I have this dream.
My daughter-in-law kills me for the money.
She thinks that I left them in the will.
My family gathers around to read it.
And then someone screams out.
She's laughing at up at us from hell.
Well,
the whole thing is about like,
she's like kind of like,
I'm,
I'm the problem.
It's me.
And then she has this dream where in the end, she like like she's like kind of like i'm i'm the problem it's me and then
she has this dream where in the end she like she has first of all she admits that she's probably
gonna have cunty children nepo babies that are like gonna use her her daughter-in-law like whoever
marries her son or daughter yeah whoever marries her son or daughter if her daughter's gay is gonna
end up killing her and then and she doesn say nightmare. She says she has a dream.
And then in the dream,
she's already planned ahead knowing that she's going to be betrayed.
And she has it in her will
that all of her money goes to her cats.
And that's in the sketch
that Mike Perbiglia is in,
in the actual video.
But yeah, so then they read the thing
and they're like,
oh my God, she's fucking laughing at us from hell
because we thought we were going to get money.
And in the will, they don't get anything.
Oh, but the cat part never makes it into the song, right?
Yeah, but I think it is inferred that my family gathers around and reads it and then someone screams out, she's laughing at it.
As they read it, they're like, oh, she's fucking laughing at us.
She got the last word.
Right.
So it's almost about she can never trust anyone.
Even her children she won't end up trusting.
And they're going to betray her.
And because it's like when I heard that there's a celebrity I heard that leaves stacks of money laying out.
I think she may have said in her documentary.
But in case she didn't, I don't want to out her.
But she gave me some pots and pans recently, if you want to know.
And this person used to leave out stacks of thousands of dollars.
And her boyfriend's like, she'd let them.
And then she'd count it later to make sure that none of them skimmed some from the top.
Because she always knew someone was going to betray her.
I'm glad that I'm not like that.
I think that would be a sad place to be.
I probably get stolen from all the time, but I don't know it.
Unless it was egregious.
And I just feel like sometimes my mom is like like you have a lot of people working for you i have stashes of cash in my
apartment that you would never find because i can't even fucking find them because i just forget
where i put cash and it's in my mom's head to like hide your cash even though i would just leave it
out i mean when taylor came to my house to redecorate it she was like you have so i know
this is like nikki's bragging about having
so much money day on the podcast but i had so much cash she couldn't and i'm not saying this to be
like i just don't i don't think about things like i just don't i don't remember and then she she now
she's paranoid that and i'm like just and so i i will write numbers next to it so people think i
know how much money it is.
But I don't actually count it.
Because if I saw a bunch of cash and I wanted to steal something, but I saw a number written next to it, I would go, this person's monitoring me.
And also I have so many cameras from when I go on the road.
Noah, you've sent me so many cameras that I've smudged or whatever that I accidentally found one in like a sock drawer because I had just, you know, come back
from the road and emptied my socks. And I forgot that I put it in the socks because I wanted to
protect it and not get scratched. So I found one in my sock drawer the other day and I put it up
on the like shelf just to get it out of the way and remember it was there. And then Taylor was
like, it's cool that you got cameras in there because I was, I was like, I do not have cameras
in my, I don't, that would be so weird if I had cameras everywhere. I'd never want to be that kind of
person, but it does work. You just put up decoy things. Um, so last night I had such a fun night.
I, um, went to see Dave Chappelle and Chris Rock at the enterprise center, um, which is the same
place I went to go see the blues game a couple weeks ago. And I was
getting back in town. I was so tired. I have done a comedy show every single night for the past
millennia. And I'm like, do I really want to go to one? But I've never seen Chris Rock live. I mean,
maybe at the cellar when I was like passing through to go to the bathroom. But generally,
when he came by the cellar, it would be so packed down there. And I don't really, I don't really care about watching
standup being worked out. I kind of want to see the final thing. I'm not like that interested in
the process. And I know how clunky it can be, especially for really famous people. They get
away with so much that they can make it like, there are many stories i think of people seeing dave chappelle
chris rock louie like greats and being like or or seinfeld even i remember in seinfeld's
documentary you see him go up and he bombs terribly in the 90s when he was seinfeld he
bombs and so because it's just it's so new material and it's uncomfortable to watch and
i think there's people out there that are like chris rock sucks because they saw him one night when he was like but then you know what they
do they always go i'm working on new stuff and then that gives everyone to go whenever you see
a comedian that has a tour that's like working it out or no offense micro bigly or like new jokes
like it's always a defense mechanism because they know it sucks, which is true.
But you don't see musicians go like half assing it tour.
You know what I mean?
Like it's and comedians do this.
I do it anytime a joke doesn't do well and it's new.
I always go, well, that's new because I have to like let people know.
I don't worry.
I don't think that's good yet.
Anyway, they were great last night.
We went to the enterprise center we got you know i matt wrote on my behalf to people that were working at matt uh you know anya's fiance he's my tour
manager so i was just at the stiefel center in st louis which is connected to the enterprise
center it's the theater like connected to it so he wrote to people there got me tickets and um and they
fucking did the same blues treatment that i got private parking backstage like area i went with
chris and so we went together he picked me up he was gonna spend six hundred dollars on tickets he
was like they're 270 each and i'm like no we are not paying for comedy in this economy and so i was like we're not doing
it and so thankfully we got hooked up and now i know i can just go to fucking any show there yes
you should be doing this you're still acting like i don't think he plays their circa 2000 too
well it was nice and then we got to be in this private area.
And Chris Rock was great.
He went on first.
I was wondering how it was going to go.
But it seems like every night it's Chris Rock and then Chappelle.
Chappelle was running late because his plane had issues.
So they almost moved the show.
They almost called the show at like 6.30.
It started at 7.30. And they were like, we might just move this to thursday because his he's not gonna make it so he was super late and everyone was fucking pissed off because everyone has to put
their phones in those yonder bags so everyone is losing their minds that like and then they sent
the opener back up in between chris rock and dave which is just not how it's done like i felt so bad
for rink and grum shout out to Rick. He like killed it.
Like it was a hell gig going back up there after everyone had already,
we saw Don,
we saw Rick Ingram,
then Donnell Rawlings,
then Chris Rock.
And then Rick Ingram comes back up and it is 11 o'clock at night.
And we're like,
Oh my God,
let's do,
it's a Sunday night too.
You know?
So he did a really good job though.
And the crowd loved him.
But during Chris Rock's set, there was this woman sitting next to us in the Bomberito booth.
Thank you so much to Bomberito team.
They're like a car dealership.
We were in a nice, you know, section.
There's this woman sitting next to us who's clearly drunk, green sweater girl.
And she's probably in her late 20s, early 30s.
And she's drunk. She late 20s, early 30s. And she's drunk.
She's wooing at bad times.
You can tell she only knows Chris Rock because of his name and the slap.
And just not a comedy fan whatsoever.
I couldn't tell if she was just a date of this guy or his woman.
But I'm guessing they've just been dating a little bit.
She keeps wooing at all the wrong places.
She's drunk.
Her woos are so loud
they they threw a hockey stadium you can hear them and they even give an announcement um dj trauma i
think is his name the guy that djs before the event he he before rick ingram comes on he says
don't shout out anything you're not helping the show there's no question you can ask that they
want to answer. Shut up.
Like he literally,
but he says it in a nice way.
He's like,
don't shout anything.
It does not worth it.
You're good.
You're going to get kicked out immediately with no questions asked.
I found out that not only do they get kicked out if they say anything,
which they didn't to the girl that was wooing the whole fucking time,
but she was in the bomber Rito booth,
but the yonder bags,
people,
girls will take their nails and, and rip out the seams to get at their phones.
Like people can't stand.
They will cut them.
They're like rats.
They can't stand not having their phones.
They're losing their goddamn minds.
We got all this intel.
But so this girl is just wooing and just like, yes.
Uh-huh.
Oh, my God god i love pizza he'll mention the word pizza and she'll like grasp onto that word like every second was like a new thing and then he says
something about like guys shitting on nancy pelosi's desk he's doing a bit about january 6
and he's like and they and just you dress like that just to shit on nancy pelosi's desk something like that was his joke everyone laughs and she goes as they should oh no as they should
and nikki can't take that nikki's not gonna so chris puts his hand on my knee because he sees
me going crazy and i go as they should and she's two feet from me there is only an aisle between us so we're both on the ends of the aisle
and she goes as they fucking should and she gets up and walks over to me and tries to get in my
face to start something and think her chris gets relieves out of his chair and and gets in between
us and i told him don't you ever do that again.
Don't you?
I go, all I said was as they should.
I didn't get in her face.
I didn't say you fucking dumb cunt like I wanted to say.
I didn't say you drunk piece of shit.
I didn't say anything.
I said as they should.
You think people should.
And all I wanted to say was, who's Nancy Pelosi?
Why don't you like her?
What has she done? Why don't you like her? What has she done?
Why don't you like her?
What is even her title?
What did she do?
Like, I wanted to just quiz her.
That would have been it.
But I would have loved for her to punch me in the face.
I would have loved it.
So as soon as this happened, she calms down and sits down.
But I'm like, oh, I can't even focus.
I'm fired up because I almost just got assaulted.
And it really was avoided by Chris doing that.
I think because I just wrote Chris being like, I'm going to talk about this on the podcast.
Do you think she would have hit me had you not gotten in the way?
And he said, quote, maybe, who knows, to actually hit someone takes something extra.
She's, she'd have definitely gotten ornery and in your face i think she was drunk enough to hit me i really like all it took was me going and i didn't go like as she should in her face i was just you know to yourself i just
said it to myself i go as he as he should and so then um i am just on fire. My body's on fire. I can't even focus. I can't even like listen. I'm like so ready to fucking
Get into it with this girl
I mean I am I so I I look up for a ponytail because I don't want her to pull my hair
Because I am ready to go and I know this bitch will get will pull my hair
No, no questions. My hair looked amazing last night
It was like long like I knew she would
Run for it and just tug me down.
Because my goal was when we left to say something really snide and then duck out.
And then we're gone.
And I thought, oh, she'll grab my ponytail and fucking yank me to the ground as soon as I do that.
So I put it in a ponytail just so she wouldn't grab a little piece and then rip it out.
So I'm gearing up.
And I go, Chris. I go, babe, I have to say something.
I cannot, because she kept doing it. She didn't realize Chris Rock is making fun of her. And at
one point, Chris Rock even made mention that there's probably white supremacists in the
building. People who literally are at a black performance and they areists. There's at least a couple. And I remember thinking
there's probably not that white
power people. And then I go, yes,
there are. She is right next
to me. And then they, I think it was Donnell
made the joke maybe about the white supremacists.
He was like, they're not down here
in the good seats. They're up in the nosebleeds
because they're fucking stupid. And I go, no, they're not.
They're in the Bomberito box
because they're rich. These people go no they're not they're in the bomarito box because they're rich these people this woman is had a vip seat and she's saying shit on pelosi's
desk and by the way she doesn't even know she has i guarantee you she has no idea what nancy pelosi
does i mean this woman is a fucking grade a moron and so and either by the way i couldn't tell you
really what she does either but at least I'm not saying shit on her desk.
You know, like I'll admit my ignorance.
I do know what she does, but, and I'm not going to say it here because it might be wrong,
but I believe she's the secretary of state, right?
Okay.
No, I met her.
I, I, listen, I don't, no one deserves to have their desk shit on.
You met Nancy Pelosi?
Yeah.
RuPaul's Drag Race.
Oh my God.
Yeah.
It was awesome.
That's so cool.
It was so cool.
And a lot of people are rolling their eyes right now
because I know that we have listeners
that are on the other side of things being like,
yeah, yes, they should.
No one should shit on her desk.
Let's be, this woman was so disgusting.
And my dad almost got into a fight with a Trumpy
that he plays tennis with recently
and screamed in his face.
And they almost got into
fisticuffs about it because this guy was
such an ignorant asshole and it was also
about smearing shit on Nancy Pelosi's desk
because that's where it breaks down. If you
think that's a good idea, you're a
weird monster.
That's where all, if you think the shitting
on someone's desk is a good idea,
that's where we lose
discourse.
Okay, she's the Speaker of the House.
Sorry.
Oh, wait, really?
Well, she's a former Speaker of the House.
Yeah, Speaker of the House now is... That's what we meant.
Oh, my God.
That's so embarrassing.
Secretary of State was...
God, who's Secretary of State?
Will you look it up?
Secretary... People are laughing at me so hard right
now and i deserve it um anyway like i said i don't know i was gonna tell you i don't know
what nancy pelosi does but i know she doesn't deserve to have her fucking desk shit on and so
she has some questionable stock trading things but who cares yeah but it's not then go to jail
don't get your desk shit on and by the way the desk shitting on is is about being she they people
wanted her hung you know like people wanted to kill her that's what that represents and that's
what that woman was all about i could tell so so what happened so i was telling chris i was like
i gotta say something like,
I'm not going to let this go.
Like this woman and the people next to us were hating her because she
wouldn't shut the fuck up.
She was howling and screaming through all the jokes.
We couldn't hear anything,
but there was no security in my section.
So there was nothing to do.
Any comedy show.
She would have been thrown out.
Any comedy show.
How many other people were in the box with you guys?
We were in the very back row.
So,
and down below was like a large drop off. So I couldn't see the people in the dark below so she could have thrown you down there
no no no no no it was just any part of you afraid no not at all i like i said i would like to have
a big wound on my face from being like i got punched by a trumpy. Like, bring it on. Because I would never start a fight.
All I did was just ask her,
as they should,
as they should.
And then, so then Chris goes,
you're a guest here?
This is a, like,
you don't want to make a scene.
And that was an important reminder.
Like, I got these tickets for free.
I'm a guest here.
This is someone's box. These are someone's seats that aren't here. Like, behave yourself. that was an important reminder like i i've got these tickets for free i'm a guest here this is
someone's box these are someone's seats that aren't here like behave yourself so what i did
on the way out i she was drunk you could tell her boyfriend was so embarrassed but he was you
could just tell it was like the will smith thing remember when will smith he had to he had to punch
chris rock because if he didn't whatever was on the other side of Jada looking at him like that was going to be worse
than what the repercussions of punching Will Smith
and that guy shushing his
girlfriend was going the repercussions
of him shushing her were going to be
worse than just putting up with her being
a complete embarrassment to him
so he let her go right so I knew this guy
was hen packed in and now he needed to know
so as I walk out
I'm like crossing right by themcked in and how he needed to know. So as I walk out, I'm like crossing right
by them. And I can tell he's aware of me leaving because he knows I fucking hate her and I'm ready
to start trouble. But I didn't. It was an hour and a half of sitting next to them after that incident.
And I didn't do anything. I didn't shoot a look. I didn't go, Oh God, I didn't do anything. I was
just like, so then we leave. And I, Chris, Chris goes through the curtains to leave and he's in the next room
now and then i'm just staring standing at the curtain and i'm just staring at the guy i'm
waiting for him to look at me before i leave and i'm just looking takes him two seconds because
he's very aware that i'm there and then he looks over at me and i just go and i look at her i shoot
a look at her and i go and i just give him a look like what the fuck are you doing with your life like a
lot you guys a long look of just like oh no and i did this like like kind of cross like
and then left which made me feel so good because it was exactly she's never gonna get through to
her but at least i can save him he needs to know get away from this monster. Do not allow this anymore. Leave her
downtown. Find her own way
home. But it was so
thrilling. I love almost
getting into a fight. I love
when someone wants to fight with me.
It makes you feel alive. I told Chris next time,
never. If I ever, if a
Trumpy ever tries to hit me, you let them.
And I know I will be like, why didn't you defend
me? I'm begging you right now. Don't get in the way. Please. I would love to me, you let them. And I know I will be like, why didn't you defend me? I'm begging you right now.
Don't get in the way, please.
I would love to get assaulted by someone crazy.
And I know that that sounds scary,
but I've never been punched in the face.
I can get punched in the face once by a drunk woman.
I can do it.
Okay.
Just let me have it.
Thoughts.
I'm going to say no to the person listening right now
who's mentally ill and is going to pull one of those
things at the
meet and greet so please take everything nikki's saying with a huge grain of salt you will be
grabbed by cops if you do it but in like in a i'm not this is not me and telling any trumpies to
punch me in the face i'm saying if it happens naturally occurs naturally if you're feeling the
vibe then do it if you're feeling my like libtard snowflake vibe fucking clock me in the face and
i'll just be i'll i won't do anything that i'll defend myself but you're gonna look like an idiot
you're gonna look like an idiot and i will prove that you're crazy i've had that i'm a little crazy
too i just love a fight sometimes when i feel like i'm right and they're wrong and i just i'm
i know what you feel,
the,
the adrenaline coursing through your veins or you're just like,
bring it.
I'm ready.
I'm so ready.
Even though I don't know who the speaker of the house is.
I mean,
I literally said secretary of state and we had that,
we sat that we all sat on that for like three minutes.
Yeah.
That's true.
And there,
I cannot believe the reaction we're going to get from people.
Do you want to know who the secretary?
We're going to get so many DMS between the time where we realized secretary of state and speaker of house.
And then people are going to write us right after the DM.
Oh, you just fixed it.
We know.
Yes.
We're morons.
I even said before I said the wrong thing.
I didn't know who she was.
I don't know her title.
No one knows who the secretary of state is now.
Oh, yes, they do.
I bet I would know it. Okay, would know it okay you gave me like three
years right now wait can you give me the first initial yes a there's just no way you know their
first name is a uh-huh do you know the gender no okay wait this the what makes you think you'll know then?
Because I've known the Secretary of State before.
Hasn't the Secretary of State been Condoleezza Rice?
No.
I think Hillary was.
Right now.
Hillary was.
Yes, that's right.
Yes.
Right now, what's the-
There's no way anyone here will know.
What are the initials?
A.B.
A.B.
Austin.
Austin Butler.
The last name kind of sounds like an involuntary thing that we all do.
Burp.
Here's what I'm doing when I'm flirting.
Fart.
Fart.
What do I do when I flirt with a guy?
Blink.
Yes.
Blink in.
You still don't know.
Anderson Blink.
Antony Blinken.
Never have heard of him in my life.
That makes me feel so good that there's no way that I would have ever conjured that.
Did you have you guys heard of that name?
No.
Talk about not knowing things.
And the former one.
This weekend, we met a state senator.
Oh, yeah.
For Illinois.
What's his name?
Mike Hastings?
Michael Hastings.
State senator.
Noah, how many state senators are there?
As many as there are states?
Oh, actually, no, there's more.
There's two senators per state.
And then the House of Representatives,
it's like, you know,
based on population or size of state or whatever.
But you have like local senators or something like that.
Yeah, I didn't know that shit. So i meet this guy and he's a state senator i'm like i've never met a
senator this is so cool i was like i feel like i'm on veep i went up to him i was like what about
this reform bill are we getting it passed like i was so excited to be veep for a second and then
matt on the way home i was like it's cool how many senators have you guys met this is pretty
awesome he's like well it's a state senator i go have you guys met? This is pretty awesome. He's like, well, it's a state senator. I go, I know there's two per state. That's like,
there's only, you know, a hundred senators. And he was like, no, it's a state senator. I go,
what the fuck are you saying? And there is state senators because they have their own
Congress or whatever per state that there's state senators. And then there's the,
and then there's just senators. And I'm telling you you if you want to get a ton of political pussy become a state senator because no one thinks you're a state
senator they just think you're a senator i didn't know they were separate senators
anya you didn't know either i'm confused i'm confused i don't know any of this and so many
people i can feel your judgment whoever these listeners we should know this i know but but we
were but we got we were not
educated properly well you should educate yourself i don't know it's not gonna stick i'm i'm there
are only two senators per state there are 100 senators all in all but does that mean that
there are more there are other senators or are those maybe he is important no state senators
are at the state level so even the state has a like a
so a state set the senators you're talking about are for the united states there's two per state
and they're in washington dc and then there's a state ones who can come to your shows and see you
because they're local yeah and there's probably two per county or something i don't even know but
but all i'm saying is like you would think
it was like it would like be like saying you're in destiny's child but you were like auditioned
for it or something i don't know i don't know what or like you were the girl that was in it
for like one week yeah we were falling all over ourselves i was like oh senator i'm sorry i know
it is a big deal but i thought it was one of a hundred. I think how many state senators are there?
And then we'll see how impressive it was.
I was blown away at how dumb I am when it comes to politics.
Someone said recently there's some joke made about.
No, I don't vote.
I'm not.
What did they?
I'm not old.
I forget what the joke was.
What?
Oh, I saw that, too.
Who was it wait where
do we see that was that on it's nerdy to oh it was a karen feehan yes oh my god we see this on
the same clip oh she was like that's for nerds yeah she was like because she's like i vote with
my pussy now just kidding i don't vote that's voting for nerds she was joking about her only
fans and how it's changed her voter status or something.
Yeah, she has money now. She's a new tax
bracket. It's changed how she votes.
I love it.
Karen Feehan, comedian, does OnlyFans.
Fuck yes. And she's making more money than
all of us, probably.
I know. What are we doing with our lives?
I gotta get on there and see what she's up to. I bet so
many of her subscribers are just people who
are curious.
She's got a lot of good... I like her wares that she's up to. I bet so many of her subscribers are just people who are curious. She's got a lot of good... I like
her wares that she's peddling. She's fucking awesome.
She's badass. I was telling
Chris about her last night, actually. I was like, oh, we gotta
look at Karen Feehan. You're gonna love her because she's just
like sexy and bold
and fucking...
It's so funny. I was telling Avi about Karen.
What the fuck?
And it was yesterday. K-E-R-r-y-n for anyone who's feehan f-e-e-h-a-n she's so funny she used to be on you up a lot um when we did the serious show
she's great she's gonna come to my show at uh the beacon in new york and hang backstage she's just
like no nonsense nice but like also really intimidating so funny and she does only
fans so fuck yeah and she holds nothing back remember she had that breakup and we were talking
about it on you up and she told us every detail and how much she hated him she had just broken
up with him like the day before and then i think she didn't what and she she's sober too and she has do not serve on her wrist oh yeah
the tattoo yeah she's fucking great um i love anyone that that is is is that bold and out there
i'm trying to be more so but the more that i think of like just saying it like it is i even get scared
about talking shit about gwyneth i'm like someday i'm gonna meet her and be like i love you and be like i hope you never see the episode
from tuesday january 26th or whatever day it's gonna be when this airs like i do have those fears
but karen doesn't seem to give a fuck but yeah have you ever been in a fight before
have you ever gotten assaulted i feel like noah has a yes on this noah probably does it in training
i do it in training and i wanted to say that it's um you told the story about your dad
getting into like an argument with his friend and you gave him very sage advice which was dad
just drop it it's not worth it because what happens to your cortisol levels and the stress
that you put on yourself with his friends and he's old he can't take a punch i know but it's not worth it because what happens to your cortisol levels and the stress that you put
on yourself. I'm with his friends and he's old. He can't take a punch. I know, but it's all of us.
If you think about like how you feel after you get really angry, like did you feel really exhausted
when you got home? I felt invigorated. No, I felt like I felt really, I felt good because I felt like I felt really I felt good because I felt like I won because I got the last moment.
But after it, I felt I was worried about Chris being embarrassed because I don't want him to think he has like a white trash girlfriend that's like trying to get in fights.
So I felt.
But you know what?
Chris kind of likes when I get like that.
He I've only said it twice in my life where I was like, I I said about Andrew Tate and I said about this other woman who was trying to like get in the
way of our relationship and i was like i want to kick him in the fucking throat i said that about
andrew tate the other night i was like he's one guy that i would fear would be like you're ugly
and old and i'm like no i wouldn't give a fuck i want to kick him in the throat i've never really
wanted to be that violent to anyone and then there was this other girl that i used to just joke with chris and i wasn't joking i was like i want to fight her i'm gonna fight her
fight so what i was gonna say i know you get winded like all this adrenaline comes up and
it's great and you have this burst of energy but then you are exhausted it's not it's not like in
the movie no one ever looks cool after a fight, but I like wanting to fight. I like that adrenaline,
I think.
Yes.
Of like,
I'm gonna fucking do it.
I guess I don't really
want it to happen,
but I don't,
I don't want to win a fight.
I just want someone
to punch me
and then I look like the winner
because I didn't fight back
because I don't think
violence is the answer.
So I kind of,
I want them to prove
what losers they are
and then get arrested.
Yes.
And then have to like,
they,
she loses custody of her fucking
child that i know she has and is abandoning and trying to find a new daddy to poop on people's
desks yeah yeah that's what i want but it felt so good a copy of alan carr's book you could have
just dropped it in her lap she can't read this woman was just the biggest fucking moron and as
someone who does not know who the speaker of the house was or who
Nancy Pelosi was,
I admit I'm not the smartest tool in the fucking crayon box,
but I am.
I,
at least she was the,
one of the dumbest people ever.
And she was also so drunk.
And here's this other thing.
I don't understand if you're drunk,
know that you're drunk.
I used to be a drunk too, okay?
When you get out of hand and you get too drunk,
know that you're embarrassing.
Have a little voice in the back of your head
that says you're drunk, you're embarrassing.
When I used to get blackout drunk,
I knew when the world started spinning,
I knew I was embarrassing people.
I knew I was embarrassing myself.
And I would try to like crawl off
and die alone in a corner. I would try to like crawl off and die alone in the
corner i would try to isolate myself from the mayhem but people were showing up at shows this
weekend fucking wasted and being like nicky i love you and grabbing me one girl grabbed me so hard
she her head slammed into mine i felt concussed she ran at me she ran and was like bestie and i can't even believe she was
a bestie and shout out to you pick up that alan carr book but she was so sweet but she ran up
slammed my head and then she grabbed my head gracefully and she goes i just want you to be
more delicate with yourself be gentle with yourself and i'm like you literally just concussed me to
the point that matt on your boyfriend was about to call the security guard over and like
and afterwards he was like are you okay and this woman told me to be more gentle with myself i was
like the irony just i just were you guys drunk we'll get back from the break i want to know on
you were you the kind of drunk that you were like proud and loud what happened to being a really
embarrassed drunk and knowing that yes i need this thing but'm also like, I'm that kind of pothead.
I know what I'm doing is obnoxious to others.
I don't like blowing smoke in other people's faces.
I'm very cognizant of how annoying my addiction is.
What happened to being a little bit of a empathetic addict?
Let's talk about that when we get back.
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Can you hear it?
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I'm Eric Zimmer, host of The One You Feed.
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Listen to The One You Feed on the iHeartRadio app,
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Like the other day, I was engaging in some pot smoking with a friend, and they did not seem to
care that there were people next to us that were going to have to breathe in the smoke.
And I was like, no, we can't do this here.
There's people right there.
And he's like, but it's pot smoke.
It doesn't linger.
And I know I just said it didn't linger in hotel rooms.
It really doesn't.
You give it a cleaning.
It does not linger.
Cigarette smoke is different.
But in public, I don't like to blow plumes of smoke in people's faces.
I'm very embarrassed of this thing that I need to do that's inconveniencing others.
I know it's toxic any kind of smoke same with alcohol like being loud or cigarettes like
just mindful of others did you when you drank you guys and would get belligerent were you aware of
what a fucking mess you were and embarrassing yes i was aware and you have to have appropriate
or you have to have shame like some appropriate shame
That's the word i'm looking for. Yeah, it's just a little shame dose of appropriate shame like oh, what did I do?
The oh knows the next morning I would be like, what did I do?
But when you're drinking it's always magnified. So you always think you are so much worse than you actually were at least
Maybe women do I don't know. I think it's they think think it's a lot i think they don't know how bad it is i think everything
is amplified but that's why people scream so loud because your senses get dulled when you're
drinking because you get more dumb hate but you know the r word you get more of that when you
drink so you're not getting more brave you're not getting more brazen you're not like getting
liquid courage you're getting more r okay that's're not getting more brazen. You're not like getting liquid courage.
You're getting more R, okay?
That's what happens to your brain.
It's closer and closer to being shut down.
So that's why you're more like,
I'm gonna dance like an idiot
and feel free to like celebrate
and like live it up.
It's because you're getting stupider.
You know, like people that have mental handicaps
and how they're a little bit more free
with hugs and enthusiasm
and they like things more and they scream when they like things.
You know what I'm talking about?
The things we can't make fun of?
You know the enthusiasm that people that have mental handicaps have for life?
That's you when you're drunk.
There's no difference, okay?
It means you aren't as smart.
You don't have intelligence.
You don't have a moral compass.
Not a moral compass, but just, so you just,
so that's why people scream is like,
everything's deadened.
Their ears are deadened.
Their,
their senses are deadened.
I don't feel like,
but I don't think the thing that went away, there was always a little bit of a glimmer in me,
my little,
like a little candle inside of me that was like,
you're embarrassing right now.
Cause I think I grew up seeing so much embarrassing alcoholism that I knew no matter what's happening, take it, just pull back a little
bit, even though you feel like this is the right move. That's why everyone who drinks wants everyone
around them to drink. Yes. So that they can let that, so there's no witnesses. Yes. But now there's
CCTV cameras and there's videos there's videos there's a
one way that i ever got someone in my life to quit drinking was to show them a video of themselves
when they were drunk and they were like and then they stopped for a really long time yeah it
actually it gets people to stop it doesn't it doesn't last but it is a quick fix if you need
someone to like kind of get sober fast is to show them how bad they are.
Because you don't know.
When you're drunk, you look in the mirror and you're like, I'm fucking hot.
I'm entertaining.
I'm sexier.
Like I've never felt better about myself than when I'm drunk.
When I watch The Real Housewives, I'm always shocked that like months later when they've had all this time to look back and watch the episodes these women will like sonia
clearly has a drinking problem so bad and then she'll just double down on it and be like no i
was fine i was having fun everyone needs to lighten up it's like she does not have any i'm
guessing she's not watching the episodes i'm guaranteeing they show clips they'll be like
what was this all about she's probably drunk when they show them.
I'm not kidding you.
I've been that way before with stuff where you don't want to see it because you're not ready to give it up to.
You cannot.
Yeah, I think it takes a while.
But the problem is the only antidote to feeling terrible
about how much you drank is what?
Drinking more?
Yes, more drinking.
Yes.
Yeah.
Drinking more.
That's all they have.
You know,
that's the only thing they can reach to,
to feel better.
They don't have good friends.
They don't have a support system.
They have a husband that's probably cheating on them.
They don't,
their daughters fucking hate them.
They have no,
so when they're feeling anxious,
they got to go to the thing.
And it's so ironic because you're feeling anxious about the thing that made you feel anxious in the first.
Like you have to.
That's that's your safety blanket that's causing you the pain.
And that's fucking addiction for you.
I actually have a fanthrox about this.
Oh, yes.
You do.
Let's get to it.
All right. Great. okay let's um get lauren's take on this my sister hi nikki and noah this is lauren
i've been listening since you updates and i just feel like i really need to say thank you to nikki
for always being so open and real when talking about alcohol in regards to your personal life
and society as a whole. I was a heavy drinker for years and I feel like you were kind of planting
sobriety seeds in my head the whole time I've been listening to you. And then this past summer, when my boyfriend was hospitalized for
a week because of his alcohol consumption, I felt like I had you in the back of my head and
the advice and resources you have given on this podcast to help me sober up and to help him sober up. So seriously, thank you. And just a reminder to everyone out
there. I'm young. He's young. I'm 25. He's 35. Yes, I have an old soul. But just a reminder that
alcohol can really fuck you up even when you're young. And I think a lot of people don't remember
that. Anyway you thank you Jack
Daniels almost killed my boyfriend oh my god that's so bad dude um that's so awesome to hear
thank you so much and it's yeah I think it's it's just good to have that's why I do little
messaging here and there because it just takes some time sometimes for things to like get through.
And even for me, like I fall back on stuff.
Like I, you know, no one's perfect.
I was lucky enough to just not touch alcohol after I gave it up.
But even if you're struggling to quit and it's not that easy for you, just keeping the
ball up in the air of talking about how it's just isn't the answer to your problems.
And it isn't as much fun as you've
convinced yourself it is and all these things that are you unequivocally true about alcohol
are nice to know it's so you're so inspiring to me at 25 to be done and to help your boyfriend
through that that's so fucking cool yeah that's awesome he's doing well took me until 27 to say goodbye to it.
And the more that I live, the more it just gets easier and easier because it's just you get pulled over.
You don't worry about anything.
You're never going to be drunk when you get pulled over.
That's a whole thing.
You forget someone's name.
Don't worry.
You weren't drunk.
You don't have to feel like an asshole.
You don't remember a story someone told you. You weren't it's it wasn't your fault that you don't remember it wasn't an interesting story like you don't realize all the things that you
the shame you carry around when you drink too much of like that you just are free from when you when
you just don't have it as an option to like always shit on yourself about. So that's so cool, Lauren. Thank you for sharing that.
Okay. On one of the Reddit dumps, we talked about finding hair in food.
Oh, yeah. So this is a response to that from Marissa.
Oh, it just made me gag a little bit.
Hi, Marissa. I was just listening to your episode about the Reddit dump about the hair.
And hair really doesn't gross me out at all. In fact, something
my partner, my girlfriend hates and is literally so disgusted by about me is that I use my hair
to floss when there's no floss available. You have strong hair. Yes. So just wanted to let you know that that is
an option for those who aren't grossed out by hair. This woman doesn't color her hair.
That is incredible. I bet she, what kind of hair do you think she has?
Send us your hair. Yeah. I want to see a picture. Yes. I need some new floss.
It's thick. That is is awesome because my hair would break
immediately and there have been times where i've thought you know maybe i could because you get
something caught in your tooth i've tried it awesome but i feel like then my hair would get
caught in my tooth and then i'd have a backup there would be a bumper to bumper shit in my teeth
um that is so funny and i remember someone on some show being like, you think that's a bad first date. I once without without with a guy who leaned across the table and pulled out one of my hairs and started flossing with it. And I always it's in some kind of movie or show I really like. And I always thought that is the worst line. No one would ever do that on a first date. But I guess you're someone on a first date with you could but if they pulled out your hair that would be insane i always hated that joke it got me i
forget what it's from i wish i could find the reference but whenever it comes up i'm always
like i'll ignore this joke the rest of the show is amazing um all right next up okay next up uh
we have renee hi my besties so i am a no brag, but I just wanted to say, based on your
guys' conversations about, you know, worrying about what people think, if people don't like me,
I have a rule for my clients. And that is, if you wouldn't take their advice, you don't take
their criticism. I hope you can apply that rule. I also, all the gynecology talk, my doctor shared
a story with me where she had a patient who was like in her 70s and she was
due for a pelvic exam or whatever and she shows up and lays on the table and is all giggly and
my doctor you know spreads are open to get in there and the patient yells out tea time
and had pulled had put a tea bag up her pussy for for my doctor to find and just thought it was the funniest thing and couldn't stop laughing at herself.
What?
I just had to share that because, I mean, I can see my life path going that way at 70 to shove teabags up my cooter for a laugh.
But anyway, I love you, Bestie, so, so much.
Thank you.
Keep doing what you do and take good care.
Girl, thanks, Renee.
Teabag. Was it steeped or had it
not been steeped i'm guessing that well i'm guessing if she was in her 70s that thing was
dry as a fucking pair of fresh socks um yeah that is so funny and it really because i've been talking
about when i pull out a tampon after like one time i was in i have a joke where i talk about
masturbating and i kind of forgot i had a tampon in and then i wanted to like fuck myself and so
i had to pull out the tampon and i didn't i didn't want to like walk it to the bathroom before i
masturbated because you know when you're ready to fuck yourself you just want it so i just set it on
top of something on my desk you can say my like bedside table i don't want to give away the whole
joke so i set it on top of something because i didn't want it like touching but it's a bloody tampon that i like
but i was gonna throw it away like it's not like i was like leaving it there for like decor right
but i said at one point in it i go i don't want to walk into the bathroom like holding like a
dead mouse and people laugh at that that was a saralina line she once said that um a guy pulled
out a tampon when they were like having they were about to have sex and he was like she was like it
looked like he was like carrying a dead mouse and i always thought
that was funny but now i have a new one of like a steeped tea bag it's so funny tea time and i bet
she i mean that old woman had not worn a tampon for a while so she just wanted to put something
up there oh my god and i once as someone who once put a gummy a sugary gummy worm up my vagina to
go pick up my boyfriend,
who I knew was going to finger me within seconds of getting in the car.
And I knew he liked gummy worms and was probably hungry from his long trip
across America that I like a good vagina surprise.
Like,
like what are those little kinder balls or whatever?
Or like inside there's a toy.
Oh,
I like that.
You get in there.
It's like kinder balls and inside is
like a little like toy lego pikachu or something you're a fun girlfriend yeah that was a fun how
i mean i do some fun stuff final thought chris and i have i have so much fun i'm just like
give me it like i do this thing where i'll just like try to grab his you know thing and i just
go like but give it to
me like i want it like i start like complaining like this will be in public and i'm like but i
want it and he's like but like what are you gonna do with it right now i'm just like just give it
to me and i still keep trying to get it um he also is tickled by what kind of funny stuff have i done
with i mean so much there have been so many there's a i oftentimes
like early on in our relationship i like was naked under this like robe thing because we met when i
was doing a tv show and on this tv show we would get our hair makeup done these velvet robes and
then we would change to our like you know binding wardrobe and one time i went to go meet him like
somewhere in this building because he had worked there at MTV for a while so he knew like all these like edit bays that were abandoned we had just started
sneaking around and fooling around he was like meet me on the 17th floor and I went up there
and he's like yeah so I'm going to show you this edit down here when I was like acting like I was
going to go look at a cut of a thing and then we went in there and he thought I was going to have
like clothes on underneath and I opened up and it was like nothing and so that's always been like a
very thrilling thing is where he thinks that i have clothes underneath something
like the other day i met him in a garage to give him keys to my car and i put on a trench coat
because it was like the appropriate weather for it and i put on this really slutty thing underneath
that um i had bought for the strip club surprise you know that i did in london but it had arrived
really late it was amazon And it's like,
Taylor was like cleaning my room and she goes, what is this? It was just like a tangle of strings. I'm like, oh, it's the slut wear I've got. So I put it on once or it looked amazing. Like I was
like, oh, this is great. So I went down there to give him the keys and we got into like an argument
like while I was giving him the keys and like it was just
over something dumb but we were just it was tense right like i was like well why would you say that
and he's like but why would you say that and so we're like in the middle and so it's at a point
where it's like we have to go and he's like okay well i guess i'll see you tomorrow and i go
i want it i i have i have a surprise for you and And he's like, what? And I'm like, just like, I'm dressed all slutty underneath this.
And he's like, wait, what?
And I was just going to flash him in my parking garage.
And he's like, you are?
And I go, can I just show you?
And he's like, I think it'd be better when we're feeling better.
And I go, no, he goes, I think it'd be better when we could actually touch each other.
Because he couldn't spend the night.
He was like, what about when we could actually like touch each other. Cause he couldn't spend the night. He was like,
what about when we can actually like do something with it?
And I go,
but just like now,
please.
And he was like,
really?
Like,
I think it'd be better.
And I go just for your spank bank.
And it was so good because it got him out of like whatever mood he was in.
He was like kind of mad at me.
Probably.
I was mad at him,
but he was like annoyed with me. And it just like cut him out of it because i go it's for your spank bank meaning
like you can think about it later and turn it off and then i just like unbuttoned it and like opened
up and he was like that is really good and then he and then we just parted ways it was like a drug
deal but where i just showed him like a tit um do you have little fun things like that ever like just like horny uh jokes no
and this makes me feel worse about myself think of them because you're like have privacy no i don't
i don't think i have any all mine are like goofy like just twerking in the kitchen out of nowhere
that's cute i just had one the other day like i'll just say something to avi and then i'll just
like really quickly.
I'll be like, oh, and then you're going to come on my face later.
And he's like, what?
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
That's so good.
And then like casually, like we'll go to Home Depot and then we got to get that.
We got to plug in that new, you know, the new faucet and have that.
And then you come on my face like.
Yeah, like that. Exactly. And I'll say it real fast. Oh, my God. That's so fun. that new um you know the new faucet and have that so and then you come on my face like yeah like
that exactly and i'll say it real fast that's so fun trying to think of i had another one
i always just after sex i'm like oh god that was good i'm always just like mommy likey and he's
just like stop it i'm just like oh god i feel like i just gave birth like i'll just say weird shit that he's
just like i don't even know what any of that means but it's obviously like i'm just like
kind of i'm like five stars formidable performance i'm just like call siskel and ebert because that's
one's getting in the books like i just say weird shit but it's like it's and i have um i screenshotted um
whoever makes our uh stills for the youtube video bravo they always look so good and the other day
they had chris's and i was like on my youtube looking at my new you know the new videos put
up and i saw chris's face and i was like oh that guy's fucking hot and i was like it's mine and it was so nice and then i sent him a picture and i go uh we have a problem there's
like too hot of a guy on youtube and we have to pull this video so and he was like loved it thank
you and i was like i'm not kidding you look at this this is not okay things need to change i was
just getting mad about how hot he was and then i um put that
uh i screenshotted that still and it's now my uh and your snake plate it's not it's now my
snake bank it's on my phone it replaced uh leon uh saralina's baby and because his face just looks
so cute and we didn't even talk about how into his fucking hair how sexual it is to me when he
was on but um it um, it was good.
It was so fun.
Well,
this has been the show.
Fan text was amazing.
Thank you all for listening.
Thank you for coming to shows this week.
I'm going to be in new Haven,
Connecticut,
and then I'm going to be in,
um,
New York city at the beacon theater on Saturday.
Tickets available still to each shows,
I think,
but they are running low.
So if you want to go and also
if you want to do a meet and greet, just message me
in my DMs and let me know.
And then
just announced I'm doing a kind
of, I don't think you'd call it a residency, but I
have four weekends of dates
with David Spade in
Las Vegas at the
Venetian. And
that is so exciting. I'm coming.
Pre-sale for that started today on
Tuesday and you can get the link
at my, so like if you want to plan a trip
to Vegas, plan it around these shows.
I want to do shows with David Spade the rest of my life
so please let's sell these out.
So it's me and David Spade April 28th
and 29th, June 30th and July 1st,
September 29th and 30th and November
17th and 18th. So get your
gals together. Get your guys together. Come out and
see us in Vegas. Presale is on
now. You can find that at my Instagram.
And don't be care.
And check out
Jack Daniels. Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer.
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Welcome to Decisions Decisions,
the podcast where boundaries are pushed
and conversations get candid.
Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF.
And me, Mandy B.
As we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, sex, and love.
Every Monday and Wednesday, we both invite you to unlearn the outdated narratives dictated by traditional patriarchal norms.
Tune in and join in the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions
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We want to speak out and we want this to stop.
Wow, very powerful.
I'm Ellie Flynn, an investigative journalist,
and this is my journey deep
into the adult entertainment industry.
I really wanted to be a player boy in my adult.
He was like, I'll take you to the top, I'll make you a star.
To expose an alleged predator and the rotten industry he works in.
It's honestly so much worse than I had anticipated.
We're an army in comparison to him.
From Novel, listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app,
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