The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #316 Take a Chase

Episode Date: February 9, 2023

Nikki and Taylor start the show off by recalling how they became friends because of Nikki's bell bottoms. No one liked it when John Mayer said "bubble gum tongue". Yuck! Nikki is learning that a lazy mouth could help her sing. She explains why she had to go at it with a studio audience. She is also more adamant than ever to protect animal rights and maybe was spurred on by a hot guy on a magazine cover. Taylor wants to play "We Know Nothing" so they do a bad job of explaining chess. Nikki talks about meeting a fan with no arm and asking him about it. Taylor and Nikki put a call out to Nocte Lopus. To cap off the show, the girls talk about when their curiosity about sex turned into the actual thing, if they keep going after an orgasm and how they self pleasure.  --- Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Get Pod Merch: Podshop.NikkiGlaser.com Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Anya's Patreon: patreon.com/anyamarina   More Nikki: IG More Anya: IG More producer Noa: IG    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am. Billie is a sex slave. She is a sex slave. Yeah, she's still a sex slave. Sarah Lena's dog, Billie, is still a sex slave. Sorry to everyone who doesn't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about. Welcome to the show. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here with us today is Anya and Noah, joining from remotely. And then in studio, special guest, comeback star, you love her. She's hoppin' trained. She's stealin' things. She speaks Russian.

She has writing on her pants. She doesn't like eye stuff. What other phobias do you have? Yeah, she doesn't like eye stuff. That's one of her phobes. It's Taylor McGraw, everyone. She's back. Better than ever.

Best friend from, when did we meet? Tree Court in middle school? Eighth grade. Yeah, 1998. How did the two of you become friends? Great question. You just hit it off? Yeah, swim club.

It's called Tree Court. Yeah, I don't know. We were on the same swim team in the summertime. And I remember you had really cool bell bottoms. Really? They were with flares, but back then they were pretty big in the 90s. Oh my God, they were so cool. They still intimidate me.

When I see a girl with a perfectly cuffed, the bell bottom has to, right now I'm wearing bells and they're flooding and it makes me want to hurl myself in front of a train that Taylor is sleeping on. I hate when bells are slightly, I mean a quarter, I mean an eighth of an inch too high and it's disgusting

but if you get it's yippy kippy skippy skippy we don't know why we called it that but back in the day we used to call it yep yep kip kip yippy kippy if like someone's pants were flooding or skeet we called it skeet really i never called it skeet maybe that was like a knife or a thing. I don't know. Yeah. You went to knife for middle school. I went to North. But anyway, flare jeans. Do you know what I'm talking about? You got Noah and Anya.

You definitely lived through this time of like, there has to, Noah has perfectly flare jeans too. Because Noah's legs are on the shorter side, I'm guessing, for pants. So you're always going to have, they're never going to be yippy kippy on you. And I'm always, I'm so jealous of that. And I know that long legs are, you're probably jealous of long legs. But there's something about the flare when it perfectly cuffs over the shoe

and it doesn't hit the floor. But if it does, it's kind of cool because there's like a little bit of a fray on it. Yeah. But you can't be stepping on the fray. No. And it can't be like peeling off, but it can be a little bit dusted.

Like, you know, I have stylists and there's such exact rules for like everything. Like why those, I'm always like, why don't these shoes work with this outfit? Like, I don't get,

why is this length of skirt not good with this? I don't understand the rules and it bothers me that there's things, but there's with flares. Do you guys agree that flares are just, when we switch over to skinny jeans, they can be ankle. They can be up to your fucking, they can be culottes. Skinny jeans, you can mess with the length a little bit more. But with flares, it has to be perfect. I just wouldn't wear flares at all. Why?

I don't think they would work. I don't think I would look cute. Avoid. Wait, no, flares are the most flattering jeans there were. You never wore flares in high school? Oh, yeah, big time. Of course you did. Yeah.

But now you wouldn't. They were like low rise flares. Actually, they would be flattering. Yes, low rise. Yeah. And Noah, you also have a good low rise body. Because you have a good. Sorry, I'm like objectifying. Now I have a good low rise body Because you have a good Sorry I'm like objectifying

Now I have a good high rise body It's not good low rise No you do have a good low rise body still Some people have good I used to have a good low rise body What do I have? You have You need to have big hips

For a good low rise body And you have to have like hips for a good low-rise body. And you have to have a flat stomach. I used to have no love handles. When those show up, sorry, low-rise. What are you doing? You're going to get a ticket. Yeah, you have to have this Britney Spears, I'm a slave for you fucking torso that is only achievable

before you start dieting. There's this perfect body you have before you start being aware that you need to have a perfect body. Does anyone else agree with that? Unless you're suffering from childhood obesity, there's this thing that happens as soon as you start dieting,

your body is hell. It's a two-week window. And then you have no control over it. But before you realize that things, that foods are fatty and bad, and you're just eating when you're hungry, and not, like, you have a perfect body. You gotta look at pictures to find when it was, too.

And a lot of us don't know when it was because we started dieting right at puberty before our body even figured out what it was. But it's so true that, like, your body was... It's a wonderland. Yeah, I mean, even figured out what it was. But it's so true that like your body is a wonderland. Yeah, I mean John Mayer said it best. It's a pedophile's wonderland. Bubblegum tongue.

Ew! Bubblegum tongue disgusted me. So disgusted. Today I went to the dentist and she was like You have a bubblegum tongue. No, she didn't say that but she almost did. She was doing, my favorite part of the dentist is when they scrape i sometimes do it sorry they they get that little tool that looks like captain hook and they get in and they scrape behind your bottom teeth and they get in those

crevices and they scrape the plaque off i mean sometimes i watch youtube videos of it it's so satisfying when they do like homeless men's mouth. I would love to get your plaque. Oh my God, please. I have one of those. I have a tool. I would plaque you up so I would love it. Because even today I was like wanting to ask her,

but I didn't want to get into it because I wasn't in a talking mood. But I was like, if I was a little bit more social right now, I'd be like, is it fun to scrape plaque? Like, what is it like? It would be so fun. I want Colin to let me do it. But I knew it would be a longer talk than I wanted to have so i didn't say anything but afterwards i was like feeling it with my tongue because after they scrape all that plaque off it just feels kind of cool down it feels like

empty down there well well yeah maybe a little bit but it just feels like you get some of these chunks off these little like sometimes they're white or sometimes they're like off yellow and you feel the, and she said, isn't it cool that you can feel, even though it's microscopic amounts of something, you can feel the difference with your tongue. Like you feel that.

She was like, every time I have it done, I feel down there. I'm like, so much space. And she goes, the tongue, it's a wild little creature,

that tongue. And I was like, the tongue is a wild creature. Have you ever looked in the mirror and just had your tongue go like, and like dart dart to the side it looks like a groundhog looking for like shit like you can make your tongue look like a nervous rodent like look watch I was just like checking for when you talked you had to help to talk like this what do you think anyone talks like this people that don't have control of their tongue or if they're paralyzed tongue we used to have a person on the show that don't do this sometimes

he had a lazy tongue oh but that's the funny thing about andrew having a lazy tongue back in the day is that when i'm taking voice lessons now your tongue is the thing that gets in the way of your voice more than anything i I mean, tension is number one, probably tension in your body and tension in your throat. But now that I'm learning like the logistics of your voice, your tongue, when you're singing is both the be lazy. I think Andrew could be one of the best singers.

I'm not even kidding you. If we, if we were closer, I would tell him start taking. Yes. Cause he, he always, he would always say i have a lazy

mouth and it's so funny because now my teacher is like there's like some kind of italian phrase like no totoche but the dente and it's like nothing below the teeth and it's supposed to mean like deadness beneath the teeth to sing properly nothing should be moving everything should be soft and like lazy so um yeah it's like it's there's some it's like no no and it's like nothing and that's what uh you know opera singers talk about but he i think andrew could have an amazing voice because i was like in this because i can't relax my tongue it well his tone his tone is not good but in terms of his um like he's a little tone deaf but his uh the sound because your your tongue interferes with your sound going up and shooting into into the caverns of your head so all the sound you hear

from like adele it's not coming from her chest it's not coming from it's coming from up in her and shooting into the caverns of your head. So all the sound you hear from Adele, it's not coming from her chest. It's coming from up in her head and in her nose. What? I know, it's fucked up. She better know. And some people just know this. Anya's just a naturally good singer.

She never had to learn how to deaden her tongue. She just does it naturally. Because your sound is so good. No, I am not having a good day with my voice. Really? Yeah, Matt posted a video. You already sang today? And I was like, oh God.

My harmonies are off. And I was just like very depressed about it. I was like, is that me or is that Hillary? Because Hillary and I were both singing on this song and he posted it just now. And I listened to it 11 times because he was uploading it and trying to edit it and i was like this is chinese water torture i if i hear myself one more time like trying to reach that note it definitely threw me into a shame spiral well i can tell you right now that you have a naturally

amazing voice and everyone knows it yes Everyone. There's no doubt about it. It's just so naturally perfect. But it's yeah, you have a naturally lazy mouth. I'm saying thank you with a dead tongue. I've never heard you be off key in my life. I'm going to have to listen to this. So he's uploaded it so we can all go listen

to you be off key? I'm sure everybody can go. I bet you anything. Everybody can go. I bet you anything. Everybody can go. Go ahead. There's no way he would have posted it if you sounded horrible. There's natural lines forming at the door. I could play it for you right now. It's so bad.

Really? I don't know. I bet we wouldn't notice. I think you're being a perfectionist about it. But yes, I get it. Or you're just having a bad day and this is just sticking at you. That can happen as well. Because why would Matt post something where you sounded bad?

I don't know. And you don't sound bad. I don't know if it was me or someone else. You're in a stubborn position. Yes, yes. Okay, see if this sounds bad to you. Thank you for playing. It's coming.

Hold on. It's coming. Hold on. It's coming. Hold on. I'm fine there. Here it comes. Here it comes okay it's not as bad as i thought but there's two notes two notes in there there's two notes and that's actually a really hard note to find and it's not as bad as I thought. I don't think it was you. Two notes in there are clamors. And that's actually a really hard note to find. And it's not like you rehearsed that song a fucking ton. I did not notice. And it sounded amazing before that. And it was literally two notes. And I didn't even actually,

unless you were telling me when it was coming and where to listen, I would have never noticed. And honestly, I don't think it was you. I was just as nervous now as if you were to ask me about World War I that felt like world war one who was fighting wait is the blitz no no it didn't at all it's actually amazing um we were pretty good yesterday we were wait the blitz was part of world war one too right wait do you know about world war one are you kidding matt was here matt my uh brother-in-law

my my brother's husband was does he know about it world war one is he a buck no no one knew we did another football please do another one i want to do one you want to do one right now okay well holla suggested one on the girls chat today chess we could just do chess really quick do you know chess oh no bobby fisher i know chess but what do you know taylor gets offended no like why would you well i just learned you know russian so i don't really know maybe i would think maybe those two would intercept okay um i know i know how to say i'm a lesbian whore in German because Taylor taught it to me at tree court back in the swim lesson days. I don't remember.

Ich bin ein lesbenschneut. Oh, my God. I didn't even remember that. Lesbian. Yeah, lesbenschneut. I mean, I don't know if that's right. That's what you told me. Schneut is like, yeah, I think that's like a process.

Okay, so chess. We got a rook. The rook can move like a soldier. Yeah, pawn. I don't think that's called a soldier, but I think the rook might be. There's a horse head.

The queen. You're trying to trap the queen. The queen is the one that if she dies, then the game is over. Checkmate is when you're like, I've got your queen and you're like, fucked. trying to trap the queen. The queen is the one that if she dies, then the game is over. Check. Checkmate is when you're like, I've got your queen and you're like, fucked. I know I can take your queen. She's got all the moves. Yeah, the king is lazy. The queen can go anywhere. The king is

lazy. The king can move like a couple, like two or something. There's one that can move like a Tetris. You know one of those Tetris that's like long and then short? So it can move like three up and two and one to the left.

That's the horse. That's the horse, right? I think that's called the rook. Is that a rook? I think that's what the rook is. Oh, the castle's the rook. Oh yeah, the castle is the rook.

The rook can go like crookity crook. I live next to nearby the World Chess Hall of Fame. Yes. And there's a huge huge salt and pepper shaker that is probably a rook out front it's like the biggest chess piece there is but it looks like a

salt and pepper shaker um or it looks like a pepper grinder rather um no yeah i have been in there i haven't actually been to the museum but i've been to the gift shop to get some toys for the kids um so that's us trying to explain chess. Yeah, World War I, we really flubbed it. I mean, we didn't know what it was about. Pearl Harbor, maybe? No, yeah. Wait, no, that was the Japanese. And that was World War... That was World War II.

No, that was World War II. Okay, yeah. I see. I don't... World War I, Nazis. Oh my god, this podcast is just turning into fucking hell.'s just every every subject is like what we don't know i'm so sorry to everyone from yesterday i have a follow-up question from yesterday i need closure on the chance the rapper thing like when did that happen okay

what is the story behind that so this week this last week i went to la for um i got asked to be a part of this pilot that is really fun it was to LA for, I got asked to be a part of this pilot. That is really fun. It was not my pilot. I was just asked to be like a celebrity panelist kind of thing on it. And one of the people on the show, someone in Chance the Rapper's family was on the show. And we didn't know it was Chance the Rapper. Do you know who Chance the Rapper is, Taylor? No.

Say it like you, like I just asked you to know what okay thank you that's better okay so we were trying to guess who this person was all we know is that they're a rapper's mom she looks like him kind of and i know what chance the rapper looks like i've not do i know one song no do i know where he's from no we know's the mother of, we've asked enough questions that we know she's the mother of a rapper from Chicago. Well, I know Kanye's mom is dead as a doornail. So I knew that wasn't it. And then, so this mom, and I know what Kanye's mom looks like,

and I don't know other rappers from Chicago. I'm sorry. So sorry, everyone. But then I go, do you look like your son? Because I was, you could ask yes or no questions. And I was like, do you get told you look like your son because i was you could ask yes or no questions and i was like do you get told you look like your son and she was like yes and i was like looked at her really hard i was like because chance is hot he's like a cute big smile really cute looking guy and um and i don't know if he's from fucking chicago and uh and all black people

look alike to me so i was you know it was it could have been anyone don't stop please but that did cross my mind to be like can i even ask if you look like your son or is someone gonna call me racist for you know what i'm saying but she did she did look like her son so in my head i go it's chance the rapper or chase the rap i don't know which one why would i if i don't know this art like i'm sure someone who's a chance the rapper fan is probably like yeah uh taylor swift like would probably not know like paul mckisney so i don't know what i'm talking like i know this is turning you know what i mean like or like they those are two bad examples because they're very well known but like let's say bonnie ret, someone might say that. And then to someone else, Bonnie Raitt is like, you don't know Bonnie Raitt.

But it's like, no, I don't. I don't know Bonnie. You don't know it because you don't know what he cares. It's okay. So my thing is, so I guessed, and I knew it was between Chase and Chance. And you took a chance. I took a chase. And I fucking said chase the rapper

and you would have thought i spit in this woman's face you would have thought i had what he looked like though that's a fucking you know uh kkk uh hood on you would have like you would have thought i said the most like people couldn't believe it i don't even know everyone reacted like oh we're gonna cut that and i go don't because then as soon as everyone reacted i go i mean chance is it chance i'm like why is it you know what the difference between me and everyone in the audience goes i can't believe she said that you mother half of you didn't know if it was chase or chance either okay yeah and the difference between me and everyone in the audience goes i can't believe she said that you mother half of you didn't know if it was chase or chance either okay yeah and the difference between you and me is that i actually did think i know that i'm gonna get ridiculed if i get this

wrong and there's a 50 50 chance i get it wrong because i knew it was either chase or chance i'm gonna take a chase and pick one and so i picked chase and it was wrong and i thought maybe i don't even because it could go on to the next person i had like 10 seconds left i could have wasted it And so I picked Chase and it was wrong. And I thought, maybe I don't even, because it could go on to the next person. I had like 10 seconds left. I could have wasted it by being like, do you like your son's music? Like I could have asked some dumb question,

but instead I guessed because I knew I was right in some way. But most people I think would just not say anything because they don't want to look stupid. And that's the difference. And I didn't do anything wrong by saying i literally wouldn't let them have it i'm like i'm not gonna be embarrassed by that at all i'm not you would have thought but everyone was just like that was so embarrassing that i'm like okay his mom doesn't

mind that a fucking taylor swift number one fan doesn't know who her son is yeah you knew what he looked like that's something i know who would ever is. Yeah. You knew what he looked like. That's something. I know. Who would ever know that? I knew his, I said, does he have a the in his name? You know,

I like knew, like, so sorry, but I got a chance to wrap her hat. And I'm wearing that shit now. And I wore it in front of Chris. Chris was like, do you,

are you a fan of Chance? And I was like, you mean Chase? But have you ever just not known something and every day scolded for it and like people just this is the new thing is like if you don't you should just stay quiet if you don't know something because otherwise you're gonna look like an idiot when really i was smarter than most of the people there that didn't know of him at all. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah.

So I could have played it like I didn't know him at all to preserve how cool I am. Speaking of cool, I got a cool fucking down. No, the mom didn't give a fuck. The mom didn't give a fuck. She was so sweet.

It's just, it's white people being like, oh, I think we should find a way to be offended. Yes. Because also she's talking that there's a black woman in here. Yes. And like somehow this could be bad and we want to make sure it looks bad in case she's offended.

No one has ever been offended by something like that. Yes. Like ever. Thank you. They just want to be like coddling. Also they're so proud of themselves for knowing Chance the Rapper. And they didn't. Yeah.

And I know a black person. And I'm guilty of this when someone doesn't know something and I go, you didn't. Yeah. I know a black person. And I'm guilty of this when someone doesn't know something. And I go, you didn't know that. But if you would have asked me first, I probably wouldn't have known it either. Or it would have been 50-50 for me. You know when you like shame someone about something because you also feel that way? Yeah. I've done it. So I get projections.

And another one happened on the show too. And I'm going to talk about that right after this. That was also equally annoying to me. But I actually had a great time with the show and it's it's a wonderful show i was happy to do it the host was amazing i'm not going to give away who it was but i think i i just uh i just i i had a great time all day that moment really set me back though we'll be uh i'll have another story for you when we get back catch john stewart back in action on the daily show and in your ears with the daily show ears edition podcast from his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to

the unique voices of correspondents and contributors it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now plus you'll get special content just for podcast listeners like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast,

Minnie Questions. Over the years, we have had some incredible guests. People like Courtney Cox, star of the infinitely beloved sitcom Friends, EGOT winner Viola Davis, and former Prime Minister of the UK, Tony Blair. And now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions,

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This season, I'm gearing up to make history, competing in some of the world's most notorious racing events, starting at the Indy 500. Join me as I travel from racetrack to racetrack in my quest to continue a memorable career in racing. I'm also going to bring you inside stories with legends of sports, new faces from the next generation of auto racing, and conversations with the people

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and together with my wife, Andrea Waters King, and our dear friends, Mark and Craig Kilberger, we explore the personal journeys that shape extraordinary lives. Each week, we'll sit down with inspiring figures like David Oyelowo, Mel Robbins, Martin Sheen, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, and Billy Porter. And they're plus one. They'll ride or die as they share stories never heard before about their remarkable journey. Listen to My Legacy starting January 20th on MLK Day on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Okay, we're back. So the other thing that happened was there was like this old guy on the show.

He was one of the people that were like trying to guess who he is guessing who people are okay okay i don't want to say too much but they oh i heard you talking about yeah to that guy so they yeah to the i think yeah oh yeah because you were there yeah yes ozzy day so this is the guy he asked me to do that pilot that night that we met ozzy smith and you stole ozzy smith's water bottle and we don't know where that is i did take a drink of it didn't i like in front of everyone they were like what because that night that we met Ozzie Smith and you stole Ozzie Smith's water bottle and we don't know where that is. I did take a drink of it, didn't I? In front of everyone. Because I was trying to be funny and everyone was just like,

you're gross. I'm like, I don't really think Ozzie Smith's backwash is something I want in my mouth. I thought it would be a funny bit. I did want John Mayer's backwash though when we did that. Did you do that with us? Did you see John Mayer at Mississippi Nights in like 2000 what did we and we stole his water bottle and we swigged it there's just a little bit left and we all around us circles oh yeah we all got it we got his backwash because there's definitely john mayer

dna up in that yes for sure i did that to um jeff goldblum too oh yeah when you shared his trailer yeah what's i forgot what show i was doing. It was in San Francisco at that festival. Oh, yeah. The Outside Lands, Out Badlands Festival. Okay. So there was this old guy who we were trying to guess what he was about. And at one point I said something like, oh, okay. This is funny. His name was Josh.

He was in his 80s and his name was josh so my question which i think is hilarious was are you the oldest josh i was just thinking that like oh josh i don't even know of a joshua that's old like josh is a youngish name like everyone in the 90s not people in their 90s yeah josh was not a common name when this guy was born it was definitely like he was the first so everyone laughed and i go because but then they got offended like oh you're saying he's old i go he's clear i go you're the oldest josh i know and everyone's like she said the old word and i go i go he knows he's old everyone this man is literally 87 i go he's an old man he's a good looking old man he's thriving

he's awesome he's on this show and then the audience does their little oh and i'm like he's an old guy and and they're still oohing and then i get on my fucking i'm like i can't have this i go just because we live in hollywood and aging is the worst thing that could ever befall, we're all going to be old someday, everyone. I'm not saying he's a bad person because he's old or worthless because he's old. He's just old. It's just a fact. And people just got, they just couldn't believe it. And then afterwards, everyone was like, I'm not kidding you.

I turned on the audience because I was, and all the producers and all the panelists I was with that were like Nikki you're calling him old it's like we need to as a society get on board with being able to call out what is literally in front of us yeah it's so annoying you can't call someone old

old is bad since when is old bad it's because I understand why it's bad because you get unfuckable no one wants to fuck you anymore so you don't no one cares about that you exist anymore yeah and those people have mental conditions because it's not you can't procreate with an old person so it's weird that you'd want to fuck it yeah i guess it's a paraphilia then what does that mean i think like if if if it's not for procreation well why but then you get into gay things and then you go well that's paraphilia it used to be i mean they just took

it out in the 70s out of the out of the dsm dsm oh my god that's my joke i used to i have a joke that says men don't be scared of therapy they're not going to diagnose you as gay they just took it out of the dsm in 96 but it got took it out of the DSM and taken out of the DSM in the 70s. Actually, maybe it was 96. I think it was like, I make a joke as late as I think it could go. Like I'm exaggerating, but the 70s seems late for that as well.

Yeah. I don't know actually when it was. But yeah, like just, I guess you can't call a woman old. I think calling a man old is, but I just, I want it to be more acceptable. I'm really leaning into whatever this trait is of mine.

That's just like, just saying what's honest. Bill Burr really inspired me. This, these clips I've been seeing on Instagram. He's just so honest and he's not being mean about anything. He's just being like, you do, you fucking do, you know know like it's sorry if something is you can say that it is you're it doesn't mean you're being mean yeah and i like that and for some reason bill burr gets away with it but there's a little bit of a like i'm sure that he he went through a stage of like people being like what the fuck you't say that. So maybe I'm just going through that stage of like earning audiences respect enough

that they let me say what is true. And even if I think what's true for me, it's still true for me. It's not, I can have thoughts and not go to prison for them. There aren't thought crimes yet. This isn't 1984.

They're trying to make it that way. I mean, honestly, and I'm not someone who rallies against cancel culture, but I'm starting to. Because it's just, people are so offended by everything. People want to be offended. I'm offended sometimes.

Because they're projecting. Because they, you wouldn't get offended unless you knew you were thinking something like that. Because then you're like, inside me, I don't want that to happen. Because then you're like, inside me, I don't want that to happen. Like if you say, who's your Asian friend there last night?

People will be like, oh, you couldn't say that she had the one with the green dress? Like, she's Asian. She's the only Asian one. Yes, I know. People go like, what's within you making you get weird? And also, how do you not see that she's Asian? Like, I don't see asian well then you

need to get your eyes checked because it's a different look and it's kind of obvious it is a different meaning it's different than black people look like i'm sorry people who don't see color i mean this has been done this has been discussed before when people say i don't see color it's like well then you're stupid i don't understand what we're talking about yeah then you're lying um but the difference is you can see differences in people and that's fine but you can't be moralistic about it like i can't if i say someone's old it doesn't mean that i think they're less than me or worse than if i say someone's ugly it doesn't mean that I think they're less than me or worse than. If I say someone's ugly, it doesn't mean that I think they should be killed. But that's what people associate it with.

Like this week, did I talk about nubs? Well, ugly is not a nice word to say because, well, you can say unattractive, but even people go, no,'re beautiful and you go what inside and out no that person's eye is hanging out of their head they have a person they have a mole with like a mane of hair coming out of it on their chin i don't like them they have like oh their other eye is weeping some ooze they are not attractive stop lying gonna procreate why does everyone who's fighting a monster in space look like a supermodel you know like let's have a little bit like sigourney weaver was not like the hottest woman ever let's get that back yeah of like this not everyone has to be emily blunt levels or natalie portman levels of hot yeah car, Carrie Fisher was, they told her,

everyone was like, she's too ugly, but she made it work. But there are some fucking uggos in Hollywood, and I love it. Ew. Well, I'll,

just like, and people are gonna be like, that is so mean that they're saying this. I'm not, I'm just saying it's impressive to me that Hollywood has let an uggo in.

Real people. Yeah. That's what you wanna see, and I won't watch a show. And don't think that I think I'm not an uggo. I look in the mirror every morning and think I'm an uggo in. Real people. Yeah. That's what you want to see. And don't think that I think I'm not an uggo. I look in the mirror every morning and think I'm an uggo. So I put myself in that category too.

Don't think that I think I'm better. But like this, did I talk about Nub this weekend? The guy with no hand? No. No. Okay. So talking about honesty,

like I'm into, if people are in wheelchairs or not necessarily wheelchairs, but like if someone has no arm, I'm asking you what happened. Yeah. If I'm into, if people are in wheelchairs or not necessarily wheelchairs, but like if someone has no arm, I'm asking you what happened. Yeah. If I'm meeting you, if I come up and I try to go in for your handshake

and you have no arm, you would think, you would think it would be weird, but it is the norm. They don't see it. No, I met this guy this weekend. He comes up, he has no fucking arm

all the way up. He has maybe a little bit, maybe two inches off his shoulder of an arm. And he comes up and I go to shake his hand. I can't see that he doesn't have an arm yet. And then he gives me the left hand and I go, oh, what happened there?

And he didn't say anything. I don't think he even heard me or probably was like, there's no way she asked what happened here. So then they go, good show. And we're posing for the picture. This is at the meet and greet in Orlando, I believe. And we're posing for the picture. And he's got his nub like touching, like like around like we're doing like around the shoulders but he's

not making it all the way around mine you know because of facts and um i mean like because factually it just couldn't make it but it's like we're two inches it's over it's like just like kind of like tickling my neck the side of my neck and um so i said as we're like you know we took the picture and then they're moving on i was like what happened and he goes what i go what happened to your arm he goes you really want to know oh no he goes oh she fucking pulled it off like he made a joke at first he goes she she didn't like it she ripped it off to his like oh the old fucking ball and chain and i go what i go and i go no what happened he goes wait you really want to know i was like yes he was like i used to be addicted to heroin i ruined my fucking arm and i

was like that is so interesting that's possible yes he ruined his veins his arm went fucking dead because that's what he used and and he's been recovered for like i think it was something like three or four years maybe seven years something a substantial amount where i'm like man this guy is good to go now um and but you could tell no one ever asks him because i had to ask him three times before he took me seriously the first time he thought i wasn't he didn't hear me i go did you lose your ear too the second time he did a joke answer because he, and not followed by the real answer. He just gave a joke thinking

there's no way she wants to know. Why can't we ask people if they, I wonder, can some besties that have missing limbs or friends of besties with missing limbs, family members, tell us what that experience is? And if they get asked by the general public what happened

or if it's like you just always, everyone pretends like you have a phantom limb and it's there. They're going in for high fives in the air and like. I think that's American as hell.

I think it's also, but European too because Europeans don't hug. I mean, they're very much like, I don't want to, they don't talk about their feelings at all.

So where do they talk about nubs? all. Yeah, not like, yeah. So where do they talk about nubs? The first thing that comes to my mind though is that maybe like some people don't want to recall that event. Like especially if it was traumatic or they just don't want to like talk about it maybe. But it's only going to take a second. And it's not like you see it every day.

But they are allowed to say that too. Yeah, you can say, I don't want to tell you. Wait a second. But just in the same way that I'd be like and but they are allowed to say that too yeah you can say i don't wait a second but just in the same way that i'd be like to do this comedians are allowed to do this because you're nikki glazer and you are known to for being i would do this if i wasn't a comedian or if i met someone out of the circumstances if i was uber driver with one hand i wouldn't do it and they didn't know i love that you do. But I think when most people try to ask questions that to them seem like this is just a normal thing anyone would want to know,

it's perceived as being rude. Like when we ask people, are you planning on having a child? It's like, fuck you. Do not ask me what I'm doing with my body and my uterus. Go fuck yourself. Well, that's only if they're struggling

with having a baby. But how would anyone know? Yeah, I just say no. Well, that's what I'm saying. That's why, well, you risk getting, so you risk triggering them is what I guess I'm saying. But you risk that with any question you ask. Do you guys have kids?

That is a normal question. And some people take it very offensively because they've spent thousands of dollars and they can't have kids. And it's offensive to them because we all have things that are offensive to us these personal things but i think that a lot of times people lose arms and it's they have to walk around like it's not there not there like that the thing isn't there is not there

and i think that like we're all like knowing it yeah maybe it's a traumatic event where like an ape ripped off your arm and then killed your mom at the same time so it's going to bring back all these terrible memories to to bring it up in which case i could say i would totally be okay with someone going like that was i'd rather not talk about it and i've had people say that to me before where i where i go oh my god your friend died in 9-11 like what happened like more details and they go it's just and i immediately sense it but i'm going in first and it's and i'm okay i'm not offended if they get offended at me asking i don't think i'm a bad person for asking i don't go oh my god i asked if they wanted kids i didn't know oh god i just go oh i guess i hit a nerve it's fine let's move on like i don't think i'm i don't want to tiptoe

around i'm never going to ask anyone if they want kids the rest of my life because one out of every It's fine. Let's move on. Like, I don't think I'm, I don't want to tiptoe around. I'm never going to ask anyone if they want kids the rest of my life because one out of every 400 women might take offense to it. Maybe. I don't know. Right now I'm feeling very obviously riled up about the kids stuff.

So there's, as someone who is saying like, ask anyone anything. There are many things you could ask me that I would be like, fuck you. And I'd be allowed to say that. Or not fuck you, but like, not fuck you, but like in my mind, fuck you. And like to you, I'd rather not talk about it right now. You know, sometimes if I'm having a bad time in my relationship and someone's like, oh, my God, tell me about your boyfriend or whatever.

I'm just like, I'd rather not. And then tears start welling in my eyes or whatever. Like, you know, like there's things like that where like anyone would be OK about it or like, oh, how's F Boy Island going? In my mind, I'm like, it's canceled, but no one knows yet. And I just it. Well, it was canceled by HBO. But don't worry. It's going to it's going to Taylor.

Taylor just found out. Taylor's more set than the heroin arm man i can regrow this show on hulu but uh why would it ever be like a lizard tail everybody loves it um because it costs a lot of money and shows get uh tax write-offs when they fucking dump shows. They make money. It's this weird thing that was explained to me by someone smarter than me that I couldn't understand. This isn't the podcast for anything intellectual. Maybe it'll find a new home, right?

Yes, for sure. I mean, I think without question it's going to find a new home. I'm not worried about it at all because it's a successful show but um but yeah um and also i'm really done letting people i gotta be done letting people get away with animal stuff where they're just like well i love bacon and sometimes i just go like yeah this isn't my place to get on my fucking grandstand about it like let this person have it.

And I know you're like, when have you ever shut up about vegan stuff, Nikki? I hold my tongue so much. I would say I only say something when something in my head, like, clicks off to go like, this is fucked up. We're wasting animals right now. People are just treating animals animals lives flippantly and they're not even eating the thing that they got because they're like i don't know i know it has a weird sauce on it and it's like this fucking chicken's life just like thrown in the garbage at disneyland because god i never thought of it that way well if you do think once you send it

back and it goes in the trash that's like yeah chicken and that's a chicken that like was like came out of its egg being like i'm so excited about life instantly taken away from its mother never getting any comfort never seeing the light of day free range look into free range you know it's not free range you know that they what they do is they have laws where they're like we open the barn doors for the chickens they don't go out because they don't know what outside is so they technically get away with being free range but the chickens don't even need to know to go outside because I guess they're so stupid and we should eat them. So anyway, yeah, I keep my mouth shut 98% of the time about animal stuff, I would say.

And I got to make that number fewer because animals don't have voices. And that is why vegans exist is to be annoying about it, to move for these cows that don't move because I'm just tired of it. I read this interview with this. I was listening to this interview with this guy from vampire diaries. He was on the cover of some vegan magazine. I got sent this good looking guy from vampire diaries. I don't forget his name. Um,

but he did this interview on YouTube and he was like getting emotional about the scene he did where they were eating like everyone had a steak in front of them and none of them got eaten because of their props and it's like why couldn't we use just fake steak for this so like this whole cow had to die for the stupid scene where no one and then I was and he actor paul wesley paul wesley thank you girl um so he and i was just like listening to this interview that he had and he was getting emotional about and he was like i i can't stand even thinking right now about all the millions of animals that are just as sweet and as like needing of love as your kitten or your dog. And they're in a cage and they're scared and they just want their mom.

Like he's, he starts getting emotional. And I was like, I, then I started getting emotional because I don't think about this stuff at all. And I don't like to talk about it because it is very upsetting, but it's true. It's happening all the time.

And I was just like, I remember this one day on F boy where they didn't even air it. They didn't even air it they didn't even air it there was a scene we did where a pig's head was on the table it was supposed to look like all the guys that had been eliminated from the show were in uh the good guy grotto all the nice guys and they get to go to this castle and they're treated like kings and we're doing this scene where it's like they're eating this feast and they're treated like kings because they're good guys and there was a pig head and big turkey legs all props none of it consumed and i got on set and i saw that pig head and i was so upset and because it was just a pig head

they could have made a fake there should be fake ones yeah if they need it it's not hard to make and it was this real and then and also when you see a pig's head, it just looks a lot more like a pig than a fucking cooked piece of meat looks like a pig. And so it was just a reminder, but Paul was saying that he did a scene on vampire diaries. And he said, I just had to suck it up and do it because what am I going to do? Like, I'm, I'm, you know, I mean, I don't want to say it, but he was like, you know, fourth on the call sheet. So you don't have a say. You can't be like, I'm not doing this scene. Like it's, they'll fire you. And I felt the same way that day. And I was just so sad all day.

But I kind of want to start being louder about that stuff too, because I, because the vegans won, man. I was a little bit lenient about it. I've been a little, because I don't want to be an annoying vegan. You lose a lot of fans every time i post about it i lose literally hundreds of people on from my stories they don't want they they hate vegans they people hate vegans so i risk losing my career but i don't care anymore because it's um you know you got to stand up for what you believe in and also i just feel like the vegans got me.

And I know that they sent me I did this like they were doing a word show and I had to give an award to this guy who like rescues what they do with beagles hunting beagles in a lot of places in America is that after hunting season season they chop off the beagles ears for some i don't even know they just dump their beagles after hunting season and they drive off without them and they leave them in the woods just to die and they because hunting season is over don't um a hundred percent they do why the crown they don't because they treat those dogs well but i'm guessing there's animal abuse on in the crown as well or like in within the royal family for sure i mean they're hunting animals so there's definitely animal abuse um but it's a common thing that in

in i i forget where this guy but this guy uh goes out and looks for these beagles because they get i mean it's this is i mean look it up no will you google beagles no and then hunting season i'm sorry i'm not why i don't because because we need to know first of all we need to know about this because that's the thing if you know then you know and then people can be more aware and go well there's hunting isn't all it's cracked up to be what is this ugly side of it where they abandon the dogs afterwards so anyway i was giving an award to this guy who saved a bunch of these beagles and he rescued beagles from testing labs i don't know why beagles get And he rescued beagles from testing labs. I don't know why beagles get such a shit deal.

Because they are the sweetest looking fucking dogs. But I gave this award. And because they wanted to give me something. Because I spent all this time making this speech for this guy. They sent me a box of like all these goodies. But in the box were like four stacked magazines. Like vegan magazines. And one day I was just like sitting at the counter just like mindlessly eating and i was like i'll just flip through this magazine and then i just started like i was like i'm all over again i'm an activist like it really does work if you get the message out there so that's why i choose

to spend this last 10 minutes that you all skipped over to talk about it but i'm it's also not even funny to me anymore that people are like oh on your vegan thing it's just like if you looked into it you would be upset about it too i think don't world war one this like know something about it look is there something that you can do though that is like more hands-on with like the activism you know what i mean because i think you'll find a lot of like fulfillment and happiness and stuff actually physically i can't see the abuse like i can read about it but i don't want to see it you can so that's what's scary saved animals like in a sanctuary and learning to tell their stories and stuff like there's got to be plenty of ways for but I don't want to see it. You can work with saved animals like in a sanctuary

and learn how to tell their stories and stuff. There's got to be plenty of ways for you to really step outside and challenge yourself and be more physically participating. I'd rather take my platform and use the time that I have to talk to thousands of people every day

to talk about it than go and clean out a dog's cage for my time sake. But I do understand that I do need to get in there and like get my hands dirty, but that's what, I mean, that's the hardest thing about this is like the pictures and like the,

what you see is just so upsetting. So you just look at it a little bit and then you go, okay, I have to tell everyone. And then you stop thinking about it for two years. And then PETA sent you a bunch of magazines or Mercy for Animals sent you a bunch of magazines and you go, fuck. And the only reason you opened it

was because Paul Wesley was on the front cover. And you go, who is this? Then you watch his clips and you start crying. I obviously, I very much should. I was looking at the level of star they get to be on the cover of these and I'm like, I'm ready for my closeup. It's like, I could definitely get on the cover

of Mercy for Animals bian by annual pamphlet. That is a goal. That would be cool. Well, PETA did. Do you remember? PETA did ask me to do something one time and I thought it was going to be their campaign that Pam Anderson,

you know, did where it was like, I'd rather go nude than wear fur and like Olivia Munn has done it Alicia Silverstone they all get naked and they get to do this glamorous naked photo shoot that's like really sexy and it's all like I'd rather do this than wear leather

and it's like oh she's not just being a whore she's doing it for animals so you have this excuse to be like whorish and whore I mean that in the good sense slutty in the good sense the kind that I want to be but you always need an excuse to be because women just can't be slutty on their own they need an excuse but pita finally wrote to me one day and they asked me to do it and i was like yes it's here and they're like we want to do a photo shoot with you where you play a lazy slash tired sheep. What?

Sexy. And we put you in a sheep costume and you're talking about how you're funny about how like, hey, this is my skin, folks. Stop putting it in your own boots. That's like eat more chicken. Yes. Oh, I hate eat more chicken so much. Those cows are fucking illiterate.

Eat more chicken. Why are the cows writing like four-year-olds? Chakran. The fact that they can even write at all. Why do we make them dumb too? Why can't we make them intelligent? Eat more chicken. That is really a weird thing.

It's like stop slaughtering us. Slaughter this other species. The whole campaign is. We're also stupid, but we're like masterminding this yes yes for some reason i was so sad to um i don't think i'd do the pita naked campaign though because it would be too obvious i've already been too obvious about like it would be everyone would know i just want to get naked and i don't know that it actually makes a statement. You should pitch it to them. Like send them a full pitch deck.

You fully tanned and ready to go. You're like, I already shaved my body. I got a full salt tan. Yeah, I'll just send them like pussy pics and be like, I'm ready. People are like, a picture of my vagina close up would discuss people from eating like lunch meat ever again it would turn people off it could do wonders yeah that's you have you um ever sent plus pics no wait what did you use to sell on from craigslist on craigslist dirty stockings and socks yeah wait tell us how that process worked. You get on eBay.

No. From your period? What? Well, she uses black socks. Oh, yeah. You can't do it anymore. Good callback. It sucks.

I got on eBay, flirty feet 69. That's such a perfect, I can't believe that wasn't taken. I know. That's really good. And I sold, I would go to the thrift store and just get like the, you know, the bins full of tights and just, you know, probably steal them because I didn't have any money.

That were just worn by old ladies. I wouldn't even wear them. Sometimes I would just put the, put the like bottom in the foot of the sock. Right. Or in the foot of the shoe so it would get stinky. And then I'd mail them out. But you had to flirt a lot. Be flirty with your feet. Wait, you had to flirt?

What do you mean you had to flirt a lot? In the messages? Yeah, you had to interact. And let them tell you your toes look like suckable shrimps. But S-U-K-K-A-B-L-E. Shrimps with like five H's and R's. That's what I call toes that must be sucked.

S-U-K-K-E-D. How much did you make? I think I got like 30 bucks. And this was in like 2005. So underwear too? You couldn't do underwear. Oh, right right that's probably always been taken down but you could like people if i had return people they would hint at it because they can read your messages everything was getting taken down but it was getting taken down by the jealous other stinky foot so they would report you yeah they would report stinky feet 44 yeah bad stinky

i can picture all of these bitches like you had to stand with like a little dainty like foot and the pictures and so you put them on your feet the sock and look like kind of like 80s oh i look at foot stuff all the time because i'm obsessed with bunions and like i want people to just have videos of people pulling people's bunions away from the toe like the like i just want it to be pulled out and i just because that's what i want to happen to my foot yeah so all i look for is people just being like i type in bunion massage in youtube and then look at the most recent video every single night of my life looking for someone to put a video of people like massaging someone's bunions but all they do is they crunch them together i'm like no more crunch separate them and so there's a video of people like massaging someone's bunions but all they do is they crunch them together i'm

like no more crunch separate them and so there's a lot of foot fetish guys are obsessed with bunions yes and i i could do a whole bun like i know exactly what you're talking about where they like yeah they'll like their feet will have like personality yes they're flirty yeah and like the guys are obsessed with the bottoms they want to see the wrinkles on the bottoms like the foot pads there's what other things oh there's so many positions like wait how is this done on craigslist though how would they pay you when i'm not quite sorry it was ebay i i misspoke and then they got rid of that and then i did craigslist too and i had to get a p.o box to get the money oh my god and they would get the payment first and then send

them the socks yeah yeah you could do like a package and chat all the while chat all the while was the chatting part the annoying part would you be like god this fucking pervert won't stop but yeah it was funny and it was like when we used to go to aol oh yeah yeah i love that shit i mean we used to just get who knows who we were talking to, but just horny guys with their dicks out probably talking to 14-year-olds. Had a feel. Yeah. Had a feel.

Yeah. One guy wanted me to, he was going to buy me a ticket to England to come into his house and break his legs with a bat. Oh, my God. And then buy me a ticket back. He like we shall not interact like we i will not touch you i will not talk to you like we'll have so many things in place so and i was like fuck like a free and you think it was real england yeah i mean why would you do it i feel like you would kill me for sure oh you could. But I heard about this one guy.

It's a very famous story of a guy that paid someone to come eat him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Same in England too, I believe. Yeah, they're crazy over there. The fuck is going on over there? Paraphilia. I mean, I know their food is bad, but.

Well, okay. So we're going to go away for just a second and then come back. I want to like tie this up, tie this up, tie these foot stockings up. We have some interesting things to talk about, so stay here. Stay with us. Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition Podcast.

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never heard before about their remarkable journey. Listen to legacy starting january 20th on mlk day on the iheart radio app apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts okay we're back um yeah the the we were such pervs when we were little we were i loved sex stuff and like talking about it looking at her it. We shared our little boobs. Yeah, I did it. On the cam. You guys did. I had Kirsten be my boob.

Oh, Kirsten boob? We played guess the boob. So we would just do close-ups of boobs and then we would send them to boys from our school because we were the first house. Oh, it was people we knew? Oh, sometimes it wasn't. But I remember Alex Schwartz, definitely,

who's the guy that yelled at, if you are a bestie that's listened to every episode, he's the guy yelled at at the Thanksgiving Day Parade that was like, come to the reunion! So we sent him our boobs. And it was Huffy, me, Hala, I think. Maybe you were there. I don't think I did to people we knew.

I did not want my boob out there. So I was like, Kirsten, will you be my boob? And so we had two of Kirsten's. And then we would also ask them, who's the prettiest? We would ask strangers. That was so mean. Yeah, we had them rate us. That's so mean.

And guess who always lost? The red-haired friend. No. Why would I subject myself to hot blonde girls? And I was like, I don't know what i was thinking either but we would always did you guys ever go online and like talk to predators no of course i didn't have online growing up but i mean you had it in college though or like in in like in your 20s the chat room started happening i would have been into this in my 20s too i was just nerding out and

going to the library looking up liz fair interviews on microfiche oh right that's when the internet started before the internet i was going to the library and like looking at books about that had pictures of penises and stuff in it or like drawings and stuff noah did you do this you were perv too right oh yeah me and my friend uh my one friend growing up she had illegal cable with access to like the playboy channel and the spice channels we were watching that all the time yes and then going on charlie's too it was so terrified of sex i was kind of a pollyanna i think just like ew what happens it goes inside of your mom's body we would scream

it was so disgusting I would scream too I wasn't like jerking off I wasn't getting off to it I was just like morbidly curious I guess and it didn't seem like something I would have to do or I was going to do so it was able to separate we wanted to mess with people because it was like we were shaming them

for having sexual impulses. A little bit. Just like we would shame the wolves. Yeah. Like in wolf chats. So the same as Nocte Lupus. Yeah, Nocte Lupus. That guy is out there somewhere

still suffering from the bullying that we did. Yeah, if anyone out there knows anyone that in 1999, 2000 would go in wolf chats on AOL and pretend to be a wolf and his name was nocte n-o-c-t-e lope lupus lupus l-o-p-u-s night wolf night yes we relentlessly bullied this guy i mean i'm sure we i'm scared he might not be still with us.

The thing is, we wouldn't be like, you fucking loser. We would just pretend to be a wolf and then scratch him. And then the wolf would start hurting. The wolf would attack and our wolves would just do weird shit to him. We'd push him off a cliff.

And not say sorry. He must have loved that loud he was probably buying socks from you we would like tie his fucking tail to a bush or something like we would but the way i know you're like how do you do this you type colon colon and that would mean an action okay so like if they were if the wolf was gonna do something it would be colon colon pause at nocte lopez's uh jowls colon colon and then that would be a complete action in the world of this like you know role-playing kind of thing to distinguish it from what you were saying yeah and then what

you were saying was different. How would he respond? How did you know the bullying was working Well, we would create new names. We would get kicked out. Yeah, he would block us.

We would get kicked out of the wolf chat. Then we would do private messaging with some of the wolves in the wolf chat and he would earn their trust enough.

Yeah, we like psyched a lot. And then, he was on my buddy list in college like anytime like because he was still around and we would but i wouldn't i stopped you know we stopped after high school but i would always think of nocte lopez and who that person was now yeah yeah i um but yeah i was i was always perving out and like definitely obsessed with sex stuff long before was having any of it. And I really do think that I didn't think I would have to do any of that stuff.

That I would dodge it. And then my friends started doing it and I was like, oh, fuck. It's coming. Yeah. I mean, I did a whole special about this. But like when you, yeah yeah your first friend to like put their mouth on a penis i'll never forget who it was i won't say it because she's still a person that exists but she was my friend who was indian do you remember my yeah so it was her and it was

some other guy and i remember just being like i know she was the first and i remember crying so fucking hard you cry dude i Dude, I sobbed. Why? And I couldn't tell my parents. Yeah. Because I was just like. What did she say? Because she was spoiled. Well, it would be like you telling me that you stabbed a homeless man.

Like something I would go, why would you first ever do that? Why would you ever do it? It's disgusting. Like, it would be like you licking a toilet. That is exactly the same thing. Licking a toilet. And like all the cool kids are licking a toilet that is exactly the same thing licking a toilet and like all the cool kids

are licking toilets toilets now that's what it felt to me but then I would have to lick a penis so what happened Nikki you're so cute but I didn't know

that I like it now because I didn't know what what would make you like it what makes you like it is intimacy and like

and getting turned on and getting things done to you and like when you get horny doing disgusting things like right now licking someone's dick sounds disgusting to me because i'm not turned on you know like i can you know i'm not like actually viscerally grossed out but horniness makes you stupid and it makes you like not have that filter up of like this is kind of gross. Did they wash that before? Right. It all goes out the window. This is why people don't put on condoms

when they're like, I would never not wear a condom. And then they start getting horny and all of a sudden, no one asks about a condom. Condoms have never been invented. No one's even, all your morals go out the window

because you get stupid when you get horny. And I think, yeah, that was, but did, Anya, were you, you were a late bloomer. Did you get upset too when you found horny um and i think yeah that was but did anya were you you were a late bloomer did you get upset too when you found out your friends were like sucking dicks yeah i remember well i really cried when i found out what sex was and how my parents did it i was just like i can't talk to you guys why did you do this i'm a product of this i was just like this is horrible it was the worst news ever and then when my friends started doing it i was just like yeah i felt alienated and like am i supposed to do it too i'm not i'm not gonna do it and then same thing when i heard that people move

out when they're 18 i was like what the fuck oh wow that interesting. We have to move out of our homes? I was like, I'll be back when I'm 35. Don't worry. I always knew I could go back. You don't have to move out. That's the thing. But you do have to suck a dick someday. You do. You gotta suck.

You learn. I mean, this is all in my special banging, but you can't get out of that. You can't. If you're a straight woman, you can probably last all of high school without giving if you're a straight woman you look at like you can probably last all of high school without giving a blowjob and it's not the worst thing i did i didn't give a blowjob until i was 20 i think i had sex before i gave a blowjob no 21

so i gave a blowjob after i had sex but i really avoided a blowjob because your mouth is just so different your vagina can't taste so i was like yeah put a dick down there but i won't be able to taste it um but eventually i just i remember my first blowjob and i just go i gotta get i gotta yeah i gotta i gotta do this like i have to and then i just got it over with and i was like it wasn't that bad it's pretty coconut la croix it's annoying it's annoying to do yeah it is annoying i mean it's like actually i would say it's not annoying and that it is a huge if you are not wanting to be penetrated because you just don't feel like getting a uti you're not in the mood you don't feel like coming because that's the whole production. A blowjob is a real quick detour to time to go to bed.

If the person's quick. Oh, right. It's the eat more chicken of sex acts. Yeah, it is the eat more chicken. Chicken leg, just do it. Eat more dickin'. D-I-K-K-I. Yeah, if the person's fast.

I've been lucky that I've been with people who tend to be, like sometimes I, with partners of past who I won't specify. I've been like, are you a middle schooler or a high school? Like I've heard about this kind of fastness. Like I should be offended by this. But it's like it's so nice out of someone who's in their 40s.

Yeah, I think it's it's that's great for everyone. It's awesome. It doesn't mean I don't like it. I great for everyone. It's awesome. It doesn't mean I don't like it. Sometimes I just want it to be, I just want to go to bed or I already came once. It's already a little. I think guys think that women, because we can have multiple orgasms, that we need to have multiple orgasms. Do you guys agree that sometimes men think that? I think they want, yeah, like as a competition or something but that but i think one is enough do you agree that one is i don't masturbate when i masturbate i come and i'm done i'm not like no let's keep going you do keep going final thought wait you keep going yeah

wait do you guys keep going if you masturbate? No, I'm not. I'm a one and done person. It depends on the size. On the intensity. Of orgasm? Yeah. Oh, if it's like a little aftershock.

Yeah, I'm like, okay. You'll keep going. Yeah. Wow, I've never persevered. The only way I can do it is if someone forces me to keep going. And then I'm like, okay. And then it's like, oh, whoa, these can get better. But I couldn't force myself.

I don't have that kind of perseverance. By the way, we didn't tie up this end yesterday. But because my brother-in-law was here, my brother's husband. My brother's husband. That's how I introduced him. I really fucked it up. But this weekend in Florida, I didn't bring a toy to masturbate with.

And so I couldn't come. There's no alternative. You can't go back. No, I've never gone anywhere before that. You didn't? No, it would be like asking someone who has only flown private to go take a train. I don't know what you're talking about.

I don't even, people still take trains. I could, if I really worry about, I watched The Last of Us and there's no electricity and I go, I wouldn't come. If Cordyceps takes over the world, I'll never come again. Cordyceps. And by myself, by the way, i can come from penetration and like romance and like connection with someone but by myself what you gotta be romantic with yourself what should i do does i want to actually try to come with no equipment can you guys give me some advice without

it being like like a podcast where guys are taking their junk out and being like oh yeah like i want to make this not like sexual yeah uh it depends on how you like it eh well how do you how would you do it without how do you masturbate can i ask that yeah because i would do i would do uh fingers on top on top yeah and then what do you do with your fingers just go like that wait what is that wiggle wiggle them back and forth? Up and down? Up and down. Where's your clit in all of this?

Underneath it. But where's your clitoral hood? It's always, I have an innie. Oh, so you just keep, you go on top of the hood? Yes. Okay, you keep the hood on. Because it like shakes it up and it's like, woo, woo, woo. And then how long do you do that before you are feeling like horned up?

Like, because I do that right now. And I'm just like, I mean, honestly, nothing. I'm just like, it would take so long. It would take a really long time. I guess I'm maybe not patient enough. How long? Your toys are too good. I think it's desensitized.

No, they're gently sucking. I mean, yes. I mean, my Hitachi wand is insane. And I only use that for penetrative sex. I don't use that alone because it's just too much. But the sucking toys are kind of just like – What is it sucking? Your clit. Your clit goes in it?

Not in it. It's like on top, and it's just like a gentle suck. So it's like the same thing that your finger does, but it's – Well, your clit is like a dick. You know that, right? Yes. So it's literally like sucking your dick. But mine's an innie. Mine's an innie too. But know that, right? Yes. So it's literally like sucking your dick. But mine's an N-E.

Mine's an N-E too. But it just like pulls it out. Oh. No, but in a good way. It's on top of the hood. It's not too sensitive. It's amazing. I need, I'm actually getting some sent to me

to give away to my friends for Valentine's Day. So I'll give you one. Kirsten needs one. I've already sent Kirsten one, I think. Anya, do you use just a hand? Do you two fingers? This is just reminding me of the foot rub I had yesterday where this poor man for an hour was like,

puffing and puffing, sweating. And I was just like, I know we had moved to my shoulders because I did an hour long terrible foot rub with him. And then I was like, can we just do a half hour shoulders and neck? Let's see if this guy can do it. And he was exerting himself so much sweating dripping sweat i felt nothing nothing i was like are you serious he was so bad at it he just couldn't do it at all he was doing it all the wrong way like maybe he did so many in there yeah this yeah god when they and i would

just go, stop. I go, I'll just pay you full. I can't, it just makes me feel icky. That sucks. I'm so sorry you had a bad massage. I hated it. But could you do, could you guys both masturbate without toys? That's all I do.

That's all I do. Yes. Good for you. What about porn? Only timey. I'll sometimes watch some porn. You can masturbate with no porn and just your hand analog old school wait no no and a log analog analog oh analog log too it's oh you guys don't use firewood because my log would be a perfect thing to like put like yeah wait so on you what's your

technique on do you lay on your back and just two fingers yeah i'm the same as taylor but i get very everyone's just kind of going yeah oh you're a stiffy okay you like to get real well my legs i get them real stiff huh okay you guys do that yes i know everyone everyone does that yes everyone knows a lot of girls do that a lot you're stiff really i'm stiff too yeah that's the kind of thing about sex that is not great for me is that i need to like tense up yeah okay good everybody's tense i get loosey-goosey. Yeah. Taylor's like, ah! I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm partying. No, I'm trying to cram myself into a little tube or something. Like Nikki on an airplane, like a shrimp curled up in the window seat.

Well, look at what I'm doing with my legs right now. You know, like this. I want it to be tight. Everything like tense. You're fully intertwined. Yeah. This is so interesting. Wait, so both of you on your back just fingers or do you like i need too much pressure i need more pressure i think i don't i would need someone to like lay on top of me just take your fingers

like this two together yeah and then you just rub back and forth on top of your whatever how long will this take before i start to feel like, oh, I'm going to cum? It depends on your mental state. If you're horned up, get really horned up. Watch something that you like that gets you even hornier. I want to try to do it with nothing, just my brain. Yeah, do it.

That's your task for this day. I don't have to know what's going to happen. I think it would take hours if I didn't have porn. Because my brain jumps around too much i can't stay on one fantasy i think about like what i'm gonna do later that day and that just happens anyway noah you're watching porn most of the time noah um it sometimes like i have it and you know then it's like an hour later you know like i find something that I like. But I wanted to add.

So I don't really do the same method that Anya and Taylor do. I'll take my two fingers and I'll bring them in. And then I use my palm on my clit. That's good too. Oh, I like that. Wait, you've done that too, Anya? Yeah, you can do all kinds of stuff. No, this is why no one knows

because everyone's so vague about it and weird about it. And they go, yeah, sure. Like be specific. What do you do? Okay, wait. And everybody's different, Nikki. Let me give you one more thing.

Do you do a claw like this, like come hither or do you jab it? Like you're fucking yourself. I kind of do the claw. I've done 12 things before before i kind of do the claw but you have to look like inside of your vagina like where the opening is you have to stick your fingers in and find like something that feels like a soft walnut gum oh yes yes like chewed up gum is what i've heard yes and you have to play with that okay and that will give you

like an internal orgasm. It's not just from your clitoris. Is that the spot, the soft walnut? That's like the G, I think that's the G spot. It feels different? We didn't know it, but we stumbled into a we know nothing. Female pleasure center. I don't like, you go in.

I used to masturbate that way. No, scary. What made you stop? Well, when I was younger, i used to always be on my stomach and that's how i had my first orgasm then when i was like 15 i put something in there and i was like oh my god i had the most incredible huge body orgasm and i was like oh that's when did you start masturbating probably when i was like 10 wait what about you noah or no six like 10 also with my friend's mom i'm so back massager i didn't know i was masturbating i was just like

this feels amazing that's not fair this is this is i'm getting triggered again like i'm gonna cry because i'm like so jealous that everyone else It's not a good thing because we were watching porn. We were watching women on Playboy do it. And then we're like, Oh, look, it's a back massager. It's like that.

I watched women on Playboy in eighth grade and I didn't masturbate until I was like 31. 31? I didn't, I didn't come until the X Factor ride. No. First time I came was Pete Lee in 2000. Shout out. Six. I didn't know that. Good job. that good job yeah 2006 i was 22 about to be 22 was the first time i ever came uh pete lee went down on me and i think he's engaged now i'm sure

his wife to be doesn't want to hear this but it is true and i look at him as a friend now i don't even but i think we've talked about it before on my show that was my first orgasm and i was like what and then i fell in love with him i didn't need to be in love with him but i did because it was so i did never experience that feeling from myself from anything before and then i didn't again until that roller coaster and then i think after that and then i got a boyfriend in when i was 24 and then i then i started coming a lot and then you know that since then it's been okay but i gotta get back to this i need to get a log yeah you're gonna get an ax time a lot i can't believe all the stuff i need it just makes me kind of sad for myself and also i mean i know we don't have time but when do you get to masturbate if you live with your partner because

that is a thing i'm worried about is that i will never get to masturbate if i live with someone when they ain't home but what if they walk in on it or something they'll be like hell yeah i mean i know they'd be hell yeah and and my boyfriend is not threatened by masturbating at all but it just feels like a little bit like if a guy wanted to jerk off instead of fuck you wouldn't you be like um what hey you're supposed to save that yeah yeah i actually wouldn't i'd be like can, can I watch? I know. Yeah. Well, I've said that before

and persons I've been with in the past that I won't say specifically who have been like, I would never in a million years, if you saw me jerk off, I'd have to like

never talk to you again because it's so grotesque and it's just so, and I'm like, I would literally pay $10,000 for CCTV footage of you it's like a shameful act like you know catholicism i think that men are so vulnerable and so like

gross but maybe they do something weird like maybe they use some no cantaloupe this person didn't do anything weird he just was like i just go like what's your style he kind of like showed me he was like i can't even show like it just too. It's just the idea of it. But are there times where you're like, I wish I could jerk off, but my boyfriend is here or my fiance is here? Yes. Yeah. Really?

Just do it next to him probably. I want to be alone all the time. Okay. That's a good point. Okay. This makes me feel better. To me, it's like somebody being like, can I watch you in the bathroom? It's like, no, leave me alone.

This is my time. Yes. No way. I don't want to be watched. in the bathroom it's like no leave me alone this is my time yes but also but if but the bathroom is different you can't like bathroom with someone like I'm not gonna be like mad at Chris I know people that go pee I want to pee with you like my sister used to sit on the toilet and pee together it was called Humpty Dumpty thank you so much for listening to the podcast thank you for being here Taylor again you're so awesome

thank you Noah thank you Anya you guys have a great weekend I am not on tour this weekend but next weekend I'm back out I forget where I am Anya do you remember where we are next weekend I have it thank you okay Greensboro I think Bloomington or no Durham Bloomington. Or no, Durham.

Bloomington. Indiana. Yes. Newport. And Lexington. Newport, Kentucky. Oh my God. Lexington, Newport, Kentucky, and Bloomington all next, next weekend.

So come out to those shows, tickets available. And I'm also going to be in Europe very soon in May. So many dates from Tel Aviv. And we're adding an Athens date. We're going to be in London. We're going to be in Berlin. We're going to be in Vienna. It's going to be nuts.

And I can't wait to go over there. So please come see us. Stockholm. Come stalk me in Stockholm. And here at the Venetian with David Spade in Las Vegas. Oh, yeah. And then David Spade and I have a little bit

of a residency for weekends out of this year. And you can check out those on NikkiGlaser.com and those. So plan a weekend in Vegas and come see me

in Spade at the Venetian. All right, guys. Thank you for listening. We will see you next week. Have a good weekend. Don't be kidding. Jack off with just your hand. Hopefully. Fingers crossed over my clit. Joel, the holidays are a blast, but the financial hangover, that can be a huge bummer.

If you are out there and you're dreading the new statement email that reveals the massive balance that you may have racked up, well, you could use our help. That's right. I'm Joel. And I am Matt. And we're from the How To Money podcast. Our show is all about helping you make sense of your personal finances so you can ditch your pesky credit card debt once and for all, make real progress on other crucial financial goals that you've got, and just feel more in control of your money in general. You know it. For money advice without the judgment and jargon, listen to How to Money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

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