The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #32 So Indire

Episode Date: May 14, 2021

Between you and Nikki her effort to get spray tanned for The Tonight Show and Movie & TV Awards Unscripted could be the plot of an action movie. Andrew welcomes new listeners with a tip about the head and the hand and Nikki welcomes them with an intimate story that makes her think of Christmas. You literally Heard it Here First - Andrew recalls a repressed memory from childhood and discusses it for the first time, they sort through hilarious listener mail and Nikki gives the behinds the scenes of her wardrobe malfunction in front of Jimmy Fallon! Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

You are cordially invited to... The hottest party in professional sports. I'm Tisha Allen, former golf professional and the host of Welcome to the Party, your newest obsession about the wonderful world that is women's golf. Featuring interviews with top players on tour, tips to help improve your swing, and the craziest stories to come out of your friendly neighborhood country club. Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen is an iHeart Women's Sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get

candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding dating, vulnerability, and authenticity, we share our personal journeys navigating our 30s, tackling the complexities of modern relationships, and engage in thought-provoking discussions that challenge societal expectations. From groundbreaking interviews with diverse guests to relatable stories that will resonate with your experiences, Decisions Decisions is going to be your go-to source for the open dialogue about what it truly means to love and connect in today's world. Get ready to reshape your understanding of relationships and embrace the freedom of authentic connections. Tune in and join the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. We want to speak out and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, an investigative journalist, and this is my journey deep into the adult entertainment industry. I really wanted to be a player boy in my adult.

He was like, I'll take you to the top, I'll make you a star. To expose an alleged predator and the rotten industry he works in. It's honestly so much worse than I had anticipated. We're an army in comparison to him. From novel, listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The OGs of uncensored motherhood

are back and badder than ever. I'm Erica. And I'm Mila. And we're the hosts of the Good Moms Bad Choices podcast, brought to you by the Black Effect Podcast Network every Wednesday. Yeah, we're moms, but not your mommy. Historically, men talk too much.

And women have quietly listened. And all that stops here. If you like witty women, then this is your tribe. Listen to the Good Moms, Bad Choices podcast every Wednesday on the Black Effect podcast network, the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you go to find your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, Noah. Do you ever get nervous, Noah, when you do that, that your voice is going to be like, like, like, actually, I'm kind of hoping for it so that it sounds different. I just feel like i sound the same all the time shocked how you always sound the same because for me when i first talk on this thing it sometimes is like the first time i'm talking this morning i mean we just had a little chat before we began recording but sometimes i'm just like no like i just sound like i'm just waking up like yesterday i took a nap before um so i did the podcast yesterday and then i like was gonna i don't know what i was gonna do in between like relax or work on the my script for the mtv movie and tv awards unscripted ironically enough the

script and um then i got up in my room and i was i had a headache yesterday and i was like i think i need a nap i there's this thing that i do sometimes when i'm really tired and uh get to work and i like get done what i have to do early in the morning and then i go back to sleep for an hour and it makes all the difference i wish i could do it today that women have to do men can do it too you start it's like i'm just i'm not i'm not in that same mindset that i used to be in of like resenting everything women have to do to get ready versus men but i'm gonna get there by the end of the show i'll tell you that because it's a lot my spray tan isn't dark enough i had to text i had to my life is so hard my spray tan isn't dark enough but it's like noah you would not even understand what i did yesterday

to go to get a fucking spray tan so talk about it well, okay. So yesterday I woke up from my nap and I walked down into my fitting because I told my assistant who's living here with me, like, just let the fitting girls set up and then call me when you need me to be downstairs. You have a best grandma ever mug. What the fuck? Noah, what the hell is going on in that house noah is sipping from a best grandma ever mug and yesterday you were sipping from a best grandpa ever mug is this i know i know you're living in a place that isn't your own but what is with these kitschy cups and why did you hold it literally like you were posing for a picture with it's like perfectly the label is like right out front um why do you have so many only clean cup wait the only the only clean mugs are the ones with the best grandma and best grandpa are those

the ones though are this the people that live their grandma their grandmas and grandpas the owners of the house yeah they're um and they don't want to celebrate that in their own lives and take their bugs with them how will they know i guess i guess they left it for us that's um have you ever bought one of those things like a best something ever for your dad or no well i bought one for my sister-in-law uh but i just always feel like it's a waste of space yeah and are they the best ever because probably not i mean like if i'm really doing best ever it's like obama's mom you know like i'm gonna pick and you know i know airstrikes or whatever i don't know people are always like he's not perfect whatever but like i'm gonna pick

i always pick someone and I go, their parents are probably the best parents ever. Someone who's like a very good person. Like who's the best person you think in the world? Like who just only wants good. And like, it was Buddha person. Um,

yes, I believe he was, but I think I also don't, I think he was like Jesus. Like some people think he was legit. I actually don't I think he was like Jesus like some people think he was legit I actually don't know anything me neither um I love that we don't know if Buddha was real I think Buddha was real let's go back to your day let's go to Wikipedia and find out Buddha was real um yeah there's just like when people are like it's the best vegan restaurant in town I go well have

you been to every vegan restaurant because this whole best thing you could say it's the best one i've tried but this best in the world you don't know all the moms in the world stop lying to your mom you know that fucking francis mcdormand is a better mom than your mom or like um i'm just trying to think of who's a good mom really can't conjure any because I really suspect that everyone's kind of has their bad days, their moments, their mom-ments. Put that on a coffee mug. Everyone has their mom-ments. My day. So I went downstairs after my nap to my fitting and I was like hi guys and they were like are you okay

They like thought I was very ill because of how I sounded after my nap um is my point of that whole story and I just thought I was gonna sound like sleepy and baby like coming down the stairs to see my friends who are my stylist I was like, hi god. Hi guys, and they're like, are you are you okay? It is weird that people can tell when you've just woken up like when you answer the phone do you ever answer the phone and you're lying down and you're totally wide awake but you're like just trying to lounge and people are like are you okay and you're like oh god why does it how does a voice sound like i'm lounging um that's what

always boggles me about when you see artists like singing when they're sitting in a recording studio i'm like don't you think it'd be best for your voice to like stand but i don't know what That's what always boggles me about when you see artists singing when they're sitting in a recording studio. I'm like, don't you think it'd be best for your voice to stand? But I don't know what I'm talking about. Anyway, yesterday for my spray tan, I had to go not to a bad part of Hollywood at all. Spray tan was at 7 o'clock. Took an Uber over there. Actually, I got to push to 745.

It's going to be on stage at 830. Had it all timed out i get there and the uber driver cannot pull up to the front of the place uh well i had to go to the back of the place because she's doing she's opening her shop like for me at night and we can't go to it because the streets are blocked off because there's police like police have blocked off the streets and there's helicopters overhead god only knows what the hell's going down right and then finally we like he finds a way to go around it and drops you off at a gas station that's right next door to her store and i run across the parking lot with like active helicopter spotlights looking for a criminal no idea what this could be and she like calls me into her her back uh she opens like this back door she's like come in come

in come in and i run in i'm getting my spray tan we still hear police activity we hear copters out like and like you know please don't like like cops noises she checks the citizen app there's an active shooter somewhere um in an apartment building and i go should we hide or something i go where is it like far away and she's like no next door she was like i think it's next door and i'm like i do we hide and she was like i mean it says he's in the apartment building and i'm like well then why are helicopters out if it's in an apartment you know if it's like a quarantine situation um and then i had and then i'm getting a spray tan and i'm standing there like getting doused and and we're in this like back room that is like outside pretty much like

it's it's like in this like area that's we don't have like actual shelter from it's like in this back like kind of a like i don't even know how describe it. But it's not it's all screen doors and stuff. And I was like, Oh my god, I might get shot by get getting a spray tan. And then I laughed because I was like, she died doing what she loved. I picture Andrew making some joke at my funeral. I mean, let's be honest, she died doing what she loved getting a spray tan. But then I thought, you know what, he probably won't use that line. He'll be too sad to think of it. And I was like, I should text him that line before I die so that he kills at my funeral. I really thought of that. I was like, I'm still trying to micromanage Andrew's delivery and joke execution, even though he doesn't need it, before I die. So I got my spray tan tan i woke up this morning

you're supposed to let it marinate for eight hours i usually get one at night the next the day of a shoot the next day i go go in the shower wash it off i woke up this morning i don't look tan i risked so much and i tipped this woman so like i tipped her like five four three hundred percent four hundred percent like you know four times what she asked because she showed up for work in a shooting situation and like opened her store and so i but now i'm like now i compensate her for a job not well done because i go i want it really dark i go every time i get a spray tan i go i know you think that i'm not gonna want it this dark because i'm so pale that you don't, it's going to be such a difference. But I want, I want you to really go to town.

And I kept asking her like, is this going to, I just have to trust myself, Noah. I've done enough spray tans. I know what I want. And she's like, you don't want your face. You have makeup on, no face. And I'm like, I always get it over my face because you want less on your face because it does develop um like splotchy on your age spots if you ever get a spray tan girls don't get that on your hands or your face where you have age spots because those age spots really pick up the tan which doesn't matter because you end up

putting makeup on anyway my face is pale today because she wouldn't let me spray tan my face and the rest of my body is pale and now i I have to, I'm going to be painted tonight with Sally Hansen leg spray, which honestly, girls, just use Sally Hansen leg spray. It's cheap. It washes off in the shower. It goes on like, it looks like your legs are like Beyonce's legs in terms of like, um, sheerness and like just shininess and beautifulness. Do you know that Beyonce wears multiple pairs of tights?

If you want to look amazing in tights and you're like wearing a leotard, maybe for some kind of costume, my makeup artist on the Cayman Islands show, Robin taught me get multiple pairs of like like you know what are they stockings not like like tights not like tights like black tights but like you know nude color tights whatever skin color we get two or three and your legs and no cellulite your legs will look and then put um fishnets over those and people will think your legs are just that like that perfect

i didn't know that but all that's what the female wrestlers do they all wear multiple tights two or three have you ever worn tights and not had the inseam like pull down and then you have that like i've never worn tights in so long since i was like seven and went to church for Easter. Like what scene? Oh, like it gets like baggy. It pulls down. Yeah. Yeah, just imagine with two of those. No, but if you pull them up all the way,

it's not going to go. I mean, like I wear Spanx sometimes and I feel like those are like tights. It's got a, oh God, fucking Spanx. Are Spanx out? I just don't wear them anymore. I feel like people, maybe people are still wearing them. I feel likeney just posted a video of her putting on i don't know if he's always

exactly but she doesn't need him something she's always got some nude hideous nude underwear which i would never be as confident to show my underwear whenever i'm shocked when girls like show their underwear because i'm like i don't know what's cranking down there. Like not that, you know, I just there's there's discharge. Okay, so sometimes and you don't know. I have so much to tell you today. We're gonna get into what happened on Jimmy Fallon yesterday. I'm still recovering. We're going to talk about the MTV Movie and TV Awards Unscripted, which I'm hosting tonight. And a lot, a lot, lot more. We're going to get to some listener mail. And Andrew's coming down the stairs here in just a second.

Let's get him in. Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show. And in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now. Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in-depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Can you hear it? It's the whisper of two wolves inside you. One says, you're not enough. The other says, keep going. You can do this. They're always talking. The one you listen to shapes your life. I'm Eric Zimmer, host of The One You Feed.

On my podcast, we explore how to hear the voice that matters, the one that leads you to courage, wisdom, and love. It's not about perfection. It's about direction. Millions of listeners have fed their good wolf. Now it's your turn. Listen to The One You Feed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

What if you asked two different people the same set of questions? Even if the questions are the same, our experiences can lead us to drastically different answers. I'm Minnie Driver, and I set out to explore this idea in my podcast, Minnie Questions. Over the years, we have had some incredible guests. People like Courtney Cox, star of the infinitely beloved sitcom Friends, EGOT winner Viola Davis, and former Prime Minister of the UK, Tony Blair. And now, Minnie Questions is returning for another season. We've asked an entirely new set of guests our seven questions, including Jane Lynch, Delaney Rowe, and Cord Jefferson. Each episode is a new person's story with new lessons, new memories, and new connections to show us how we're both similar and unique. Listen to Mini Questions on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Seven questions, limitless answers. We want to speak out, we want to raise awareness, and we want this to stop. Wow, very powerful. I'm Ellie Flynn, and I'm an investigative journalist. When a group of models from the UK wanted my help, I went on a journey deep into the heart of the adult entertainment industry.

I really wanted to be a playboy model. Lingerie, topless. I said, yes, please. Because at the centre of this murky world is an alleged predator. You know who he is because of his pattern of behaviour. He's just spinning the web for you to get trapped in it. He's everywhere and has been everywhere. It's so much worse and so much more widespread than I had anticipated.

Together, we're going to expose him and the rotten industry he works in. It's not just me. We're an army in comparison to him. Listen to The Bunny Trap on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. and driven and wild and out of control. My head is pounding. I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail. It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction. Addiction took me to the darkest places. I had an AK-47 pointed at my head. But one night, a new door opened and I made it into the rooms of recovery. The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls and relapses. But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community.

And I made my way back. This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery. A story told in 12 steps. Listen to CRIMS as part of the Michael Dura podcast network available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, Andrew. Good morning. You can have some of my coffee. Thanks for, yeah. Yeah. I have a, I have a cup of coffee in front of me and Andrew, um, didn't really have time to go get some because we got to get through the show.

We got to get to the show. And he sipped mine. I go, you can have some of mine. And he goes, ah, black coffee. And I go, yeah, that's how I do. And he goes, you didn't know? You get me coffee so often. But you know my rule.

Try to come up with what my coffee rule is. I know what happened. We're out of almond milk. No, we're not out of almond milk. We're out. What could it be? We're out of almond milk. No, we're not out of almond milk. We're out. What could it be? We're out of Sevilla. I don't like hot coffee that isn't Starbucks coffee.

I need my milk frothed with my coffee. Dude, how bougie. No, it's not bougie. It tastes better. It tastes better. No, say that word again. I like what? I've never said that word in my

life diva no froth froth you have a list but froth is yeah it's kind of like frothed ew you know what there was like froth froth there's sometimes there's froth and i'm not even gonna talk about it no yeah well we were just talking about discharge that's so weird i was trying to get off the subject of discharge, but here we are back to it. And sometimes, no, I think more frothiness can happen.

This is so gross. No, like when you're having sex, sometimes there's, it can become froth because froth needs to be like whipped. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, it does whip that.

Oh God. God. Have you ever been whipped? No. Like a a belt like brought out no but i i don't think i'd like it and all the porn i watch whenever there's like using those on girls i'm just like i want to skip this part this isn't for me also the tickling i'm just like oh god let's get to just put something in her like i don't want like don't like tickle her there's a lot of tickling porn i hate tickling i hate when girls they'll

tickle your legs while they blow you and it's like what do you do who wants that they'll tickle around your balls like it's because we read cosmo that's like tease him and like no balls with your eyelashes in your mouth and put your hands behind your back no cosmo is out of ideas put your hands behind your back no i've always heard i like hands i like hands that's the thing i hear more than anything is hands hands hands hands hands i actually that's what i like with a blowy i like the head and the hand and that's like a hard grip a hard no a bomb back film what's the head in the hand i don't know the squid and the whale i don't even know what i'm talking about. It's frosty.

Weezy gets frothy. Frothy. The snowman. The snowman. Oh, my God. I wonder if... Oh, God. I have so much disgusting stuff in my mind that I want to share, but I feel like this

podcast, I just don't want it to be as disgusting. I don't want... We have a lot of new listeners. After last night, I was on The Tonight Show. Give it to them raw, i don't want we have a lot of new listeners after last night i was on the tonight show give it to him raw baby okay sometimes yeah okay so what was i oh i was telling i was actually telling a meal okay so if i told a meal that i'm willing to tell anyone um and i think i've told you this before too but like i have a i was telling him about like how i'm i recently was like so comfortable with someone I was dating that I was

like, I couldn't believe like how quickly I was just like not scared of how gross I am. Quote unquote gross. I'm saying that lovingly. I don't hate myself for it anymore. But like sometimes after I masturbate, I,

I tend to like wipe off, like to go, I go rinse the stuff in the, in the sink, like just cold water. Right. Well, like the dildos yeah okay you know just get off anything that could have been left on and sometimes i on my i don't mind doing it on my period put down a towel and it's just uh you know i don't care they're not

complaining it's your blood yeah i don't care um so sometimes but anyway i always wash them off this period but sometimes it's just like clear and you're just like i don't care. So sometimes, but anyway, I always wash them off this period, but sometimes it's just like clear and you're just like, I don't care. Right. And you just like toss it back in the drawer or whatever. You like wipe it on the bedspread or like not the bedspread, but like a towel nearby. Maybe the bedspread.

If you're like, I love, but sometimes only the bedspread if I'm ready, but if the sheets are ready to go, you know, and I know that I'm going to like either not sleep on that side of the bed or I'm gonna change them very soon but it's also like my calm like who cares it's like clean and smells good it's not like it's said only if the sheets are ready to go or i'm not sleeping on that side or like okay it has to be it has to be a couple things it has it can't be fresh sheets i would

never do that to fresh sheets no matter what side of the bed it was on but i do only stick to one side of my bed you should go see my bed upstairs there is a giant brown orange spot where i'm sleeping and kirsten's coming tonight my best friend from high school and she's gonna sleep in my bed probably and i know i kept her beside of the bed good i didn't wipe off any dildos on it but yes i will wipe it off on that side if i'm ready to do sheets pretty soon and also it's it's the same way i eat oatmeal out of the same bowl and i've i haven't washed this bowl since we've been here five days. I keep using the same bowl. I wash, I clear it out enough, but there's residue every time I put more oatmeal in.

And it heats up the residue from before. I'm just like, I don't care. Maybe that's disgusting. It is disgusting, but I'll admit to it. And any man who loves me will have to accept me. I'm very disgusting too. But I just don't see the logic of cleaning a bowl that you're putting the same food in. Dried oatmeal is not going to make me sick.

I literally would never care. And I would probably scratch it out and eat it anyway if I was hungry enough. Whatever. So sometimes, though, you throw it back in the drawer. And you know I have many of these things. And they get frothy. Just kidding. But you throw it back in the – you just go, oh, there's not a lot on that or whatever know you throw it back in the like you you just like

you go oh there's not a lot on that or whatever you throw it back in the thing and then later on you go to get it out and there i i can't be the only woman that has this happen too boy but it like it will when it flakes off no do you know what i'm talking about like if it's dries on plastic or silicon silicone or what silicon valley silicone or whatever those things are made out of, but when you move it, you bring it out of the drawer, sometimes these things are rubbery and they shake, or you shake it a little bit, it flakes off like snow. Like dandruff.

I swear to God, like dandruff, but more like snow, like fake snow and maybe a front window shop during Christmas time at a Lord and Taylor, like a window display, like tis the season. Like shaved ice. Yes. And it flakes off

and it's almost beautiful and I swear to God, every time it happens, I hear, jing, jing, jing. I love those J-I-N-G-L-E. Do you know that song? Is it Jingle Bells?

It's Jingle Bells. Yeah. I mean like it's the Fred, Fred, no, it's- So wait, so your old calm reminds you of you of christmas literally i hear jingle bells every time i i see a flake the flakes of calm do you see your dad and mom and it makes me laugh yeah it thinks makes me think of family and like warm memories and and Santa banging me.

No, it's I do think of that. But it always happens and I always hear I go jingle bells because it's like ding, ding, ding. There's plenty of times

when like I'll come because men come is a lot more usually than women come and it's like a thick it's not frost. It's like a women cum, and it's like a thick, it's not frost. It's like a whip. No, mine's like a light, it's almost like,

I don't even want to clean this off. It's beautiful. I'm so proud of myself. But what I do is I'll put it in a napkin, and I'll forget about these napkins that I throw behind my dresser. You know, maybe a year later, I have a nice pile. You literally throw them behind your dresser? Where are you keeping them right now?

In the room, you think? In your bedroom. I just might come because I don't want you to get mad. Well, in your bedroom in our place in St. Louis. No, no, no, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. The other day, Luigi went in your room, so I had to go in your room to be like,

Luigi, what are you doing in there? And he had a cum napkin in his mouth, no. Hey, Fallon guys and my god uh no and then like i told you when i was a kid i would rub the cum i was so lazy i would just rub the cum on the carpet and my carpet got so hard and we moved my mom found this island that was worse than epstein's island some would say it was so hard and rough it was ridiculous they like burnt away the carpet so many of my soldiers died that day did your mom talk to you about it no how did you even know you i don't even know what if she might have thought that i spilled a bunch of paint like i don't know if they should connect the dots that her son is so lazy that he wiped literally 1500 com loads on his mother's nice carpet

you just spilled like glue or like what does it look like like i just wiped it underneath the bed like you just thought it would disappear because it's clear enough like i i've thought those things before like you ever wipe your snot like on your sleeve like when i was like snot is almost the same thing it comes out clear and then it dries and you're like oh my god that looks like now i realize it looked like cum yeah as a kid yeah yeah yeah but before now i'll i wait back when i was a kid i was like oh my god something about mary remember that remember that when ben stiller had the snot on his ear that's probably what i thought it was. That's probably what I thought it was when I was a kid. Because I always go, how did you watch that movie not knowing what cum was?

Because I definitely didn't in eighth grade know what cum was. I didn't understand it was the hair gel thing. So what did I think it was? I bet I thought it was snot in that scene. Or I was also a smart enough kid to know when I didn't understand something, it was a thing that I didn't know yet. I didn't go, mom, what is the thing? I always knew it was a a thing that I didn't know yet. I didn't go, mom, what is the thing?

I always knew it was a sexual thing that I was to not know about yet until I found out on my own because my parents wouldn't talk to me about sex. And so I learned it the hard way when a teacher was, you know, coming on my face. Just kidding. Do you think there's child prodigies out there that are like, that's calm.

And they're like, how did he know? At six years old, he was able to know. She, That's cum. And they're like, how did he know? At six years old, he was able to know. Oh, my God. Welcome to the Scripps National Spelling Bee. And it's like all these genius kids. Yeah, yeah.

One kid can play the piano like incredible. Mozart at three. Yeah. And Timmy can jump 40 feet at seven. And Dave over here can tell you whatever cum is. Yeah, and Abigail, here can tell you whatever come is. Yeah, and Abigail, she's only five, but she knows exactly

what 69 means when her parents make jokes about it. How did she know? It's, she's a genius. We don't even understand these things.

We, because of Uncle Rick, actually, that's who taught her. It's a really tragic story, actually. She's not a genius. The business deal I did,

I mean, we have to go to the news, but we can delay the news for a second because it's a special day., actually. She's not a genius. The business deal I did. I mean, we have to go to the news. But we can delay the news for a second because it's a special day. No, I was just. This is such a funny story that I feel like we need it. I did real estate. Actually, I don't know if I've ever been talking. So I worked in real estate for like five or six years.

And this guy named, I can't say his last name, but he was literally four feet 11. When he would sit in my truck, his feet would go straight. Like they wouldn't bend. Yeah. They were just, and he'd go, I like this. Like he was like as close to a little person without being a little person. And he was great. How did he drive cars?

I don't know. He probably had an extension on the. Yeah. I think little people have to his feet. No, little people have like, you know. Oh, they have things that make the break and the gas come out further. He probably just drove a really small Miata or something. Okay, yeah.

And so I'm pumping gas and he points to my pants. And I'm wearing, I only have one pair of slacks that I wear every single time. I don't clean them ever. And he's like, what is that? And I was like, what what and he points to like my dick area and he goes is that is that cum and i looked at it and i go yeah oh no like it was right away i know that feeling of like not knowing anything else to say except the truth. Oh, no. Like you're like, I just can't. He's like, are you serious?

And you're almost like, it's cool. Yeah, yeah. Like he's almost at fault for not having cum on his pants. How did you used to? Yeah, like peeing in your pants is cool. Yeah, yeah. Wait a second. Why though?

How often did you clean your pants back then? Back then? Like where were you living? If you're dress pants, I only would wear dress pants. But I know, when were you doing laundry when you were like back in the States? It was a while. It was bad. Oh, Andrew, I'm so glad you're not that person anymore.

I am too. Yeah. I am too. Like it's crazy to think. I love going, we need to do a segment where we just go back in time and like, you just tell some of these stories of your life

because it was, I mean, getting to know you as a friend and hearing these, I mean, they're just story upon story and I always check and like go, what were you doing?

Like, and you, the other day, you were talking about how like, you were asexual for. Yeah, for a while. Because you were like,

I don't mean to laugh because you were like anxious and depressed. No, there was like all you did try to do was like, but you were trying to be cool and get laid though. Right? No, no. I was like,

did you want front? Like, what were you trying to do in that time? Cause isn't everything motivated by having sex? I had friends. I was the third wheel guy. But you're so motivated by women and like not women like you're not like a late like but you're so motivated by looking hot and like being

attractive to women now and i'm not judging you i'm saying that for me as well what what motivated you back then and i could answer this myself because i was kind of the same way but um i think what motivated me is just being liked it wasn't about having sex i just wanted to be liked i wanted to be the funniest person at the party i wanted to be the funniest person at the bar i wanted all my guy friends to be like whoa he's awesome great guy yeah i was always the third wheel i've always had girlfriends like yeah but like you know so i think it was just about being accepted when it came down to being asexual i just didn't feel like girls wanted to fuck me even though anytime i would get i would get laid but it wouldn't register that girls wanted to like me it's

because i would get laid by people that like you know girls that were at parties that were just like you guys were really like yeah we were all drunk or they were like they slept around a lot and so it didn't feel like special yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so i mean yeah and i was also afraid of diseases while also thinking i had diseases yeah how did you beat it for people out there that might relate i think you need to go to the therapist uh analyze why are your actions actually happening like what's the root cause mine was you know anxiety and depression and you try to maybe either get on an antidepressant or just try to really talk about like why are you doing these things and you got to just change a lot of your behavior i stopped drinking i you know

got i i started doing something i was passionate about, which helps a lot. Walking my dogs. Walking your dogs, picking up your bags, just doing things that really... No, I've seen drastic changes in you. Jurassic? Jurassic changes. But yeah, so... Changes that have taken 65 million years.

No, it's... Yeah, you're... But we still... It's nice to talk about these things because I feel like it's uh yeah you're at your but you know we still it's it's nice to talk about these things because i feel like it's you had a really i think i feel like dramatic change from like when i met you to to now and it's just like a few simple things that like you know you got to be in the right headspace to like actually do but they're not if andrew can go to therapy and maybe find an antidepressant anyone can out there any guy so girls don't give up hope on your boyfriends but seriously don't wait for them to do it or don't make them do it tell them

they have to go work on themselves or you're going to leave them and actually give them a date that you're going to leave don't be like i'm thinking about leaving you until you work on yourself and this goes for guys too if you're living with someone or being with someone who's you're working on yourself and they're not tell them if you don't start the you don't do anything but if you don't start i'm out on november 30 like give them a date and then stick to it and that's the only way to actually force someone's hand you're not even forcing someone's hand you're you're you're protecting yourself and maybe the you know losing you might be enough to make them actually realize they need to change but that's's just my advice. And surround yourself with people,

like-minded people that want to get better. I think what happens is like, I found myself hanging out with people that were maybe drug addicts, that were probably worse off than even I was to make myself feel more comfortable with my horrible decisions. You are the sum of your five closest people to you. I really, when I heard that one time,

it like shook me. So think about the five closest people to you. And if there's some people in there that you're like i don't i would hate if someone thought i was like them oh might want to cut your mom out world's best mom not so much um let's get to the news and i promise we will talk about my uh fallon appearance as i did say that i would talk about be your final thought about your nipples yeah i mean maybe we'll get to it maybe it'll be a news headline who the fuck knows i don't even know what actually i got my google alert for my name this morning there's uh there's nothing no talk i mean i do have a google alert for my name just so i can see what my dad is getting because my dad always sends me whatever google like nikki uh you might be performing at a casino in ashbury park in november

of 2023 i'm just like i know dad well uh can maybe my friend rick from uh my old guitar days and since he come out i'm like i will just have him buy a ticket he did win the lottery okay yeah maybe he's rich and he should buy a ticket and i don't want to get him in i don't have to meet him backstage sorry rick rick's not a real person i've been using the name rick a lot today look at that He did win the lottery. Okay, yeah, maybe he's rich and he should buy a ticket. And I don't want to get him in. I don't have to meet him backstage. Sorry, Rick. Rick's not a real person. I've been using the name Rick a lot today. Look at that squirrel legit looking at me.

His real name is Richard. That squirrel has been looking at me like it's into me. There is a squirrel on the railing and it's fucking like, is it looking at me or is it looking ahead? Because squirrels eyes are on the side of their head and it's literally like facing perpendicularly away from me, but it's looking at me. For sure, it's looking at me. Oh, it's so cute.

Yeah, I don't know if squirrels look forward. Yeah, I love squirrels. Do you know that squirrels are the chickens of America, if you're in the Cayman Islands? Do you know what I mean? Got you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That makes sense. Chickens are everywhere, but here, they're squirrels.

And we're like, squirrels are nothing. But when Robin from the Cayman Islands came to America, she was like, squirrels are everywhere. Squirrels. Because she's British. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was like, I love squirrels. And I'm like, who cares about squirrels? They're like, you know, they're not like a ferret, which Theo Vaughn said was the limousine of rats. You guys got to listen to my appearance on Theo Vaughn's podcast this past weekend.

People are loving it. Okay, let's get to the news. Very late. Sorry, Noah. Squirrels. You heard it here first. Yeah, you heard it here first. We're going to zip through this news segment. Let's get to the headlines. What's going on, Andrew? Oh, man, folks. First of all, I hope you have a

fantastic weekend out there. The weather's really warming up and so is everyone's bodies, if you know what I mean. Okay, having fun out there and having all the swell warming up and so is everyone's bodies if you know what I mean. Okay, having fun out there and having all the swells. First story, Nick. A teen was impaled by a javelin in his right thigh at a New Jersey high school

track and field javelin throw. The javelin was impaled several inches into his thigh. However, there was no visible bleeding and the victim was conscious and having conversation with first responders. I mean, what is this javelin toss? Do you think we should still have javelin in 2021?

I don't care. Who cares about the javelin? I mean, who cares about it? You could say that about anything, honestly. But like it. I mean, I guess it's a sport. I mean, it's an old sport that's been going on forever. So there must be a lot of history to it and a reason why we do it. Well, you used to do it to kill.

Like, that was the javelin you used to, you know, you throw a spear. Right, right. And so this guy was the thrower or he was a spectator? I guess he was just, I believe he, do you know Noah? He was a spectator. Oh, he was a spectator. How many inches into his leg did it go? Seven?

A good amount. I mean, a javelin length. I mean, well, it's not really the javelin. It's the velocity with which the javelin was being thrown. I mean, who's going to a javelin event and getting close enough to where you're going to get nailed? Well, I was running the other day past a driving range, and there were golf balls being hit.

And I was off to the side. But I'm wondering, could I have gotten hit with a golf ball pretty easily if there were people, you know, driving golf balls as I ran alongside a driving range? I don't know. There's lots of people, you know, like one of those things where everyone just like hits it a bunch. Like tons of people are lined up and they go on dates and they like oh yeah wrap their arms around each other and be like oh babe this is how you do it yeah let me show you how to swing the club yeah driving range wait is that what it's called yeah yeah when people go do people get hit with golf balls and dice yeah yeah oh and die not like a head but people get hit a lot at yeah four that's

what they yell that yeah Yeah, they yell four. Four people died last year. Yeah, that's what happened. Yeah. I mean, it happens every year. Four exact people die. But also people in baseball stadiums get drilled by balls. Oh, yeah.

Like a person has died getting hit with a baseball. I used to have such anxiety of that when I was a kid of like fat men on diving boards. The diving boards like snapping and the fat man hitting his head, but like also baseball games, I would have this irrational fear that a baseball was gonna hit me here. I got hit with one, one time. What, really?

And my dad yelled at me, oh my God, this story I haven't thought. So I was at a little league game. Wow, I think we're making a breakthrough. I was at a little league game. This is why you need to go to therapy. These stories come out. What happened?

And it was cold in Florida, but it was a cold day in Florida. And I had a jacket on and I was walking and there was a foul ball and it just hit me right in my chest. And I'm on the ground like, you ever get hit and it didn't hurt as bad, but you cry maybe for attention? I don't know. I was like on the floor crying. Well, you're crying because you're embarrassed because you're like, I got to make this look worse than it was because otherwise i just look like an idiot so i get hit with and now people be worried about me as opposed to laughing at me yes and my dad comes up he goes it wouldn't have hurt if you buttoned up your jacket like i told you that's not i swear

i swear maybe this is like a weird no i think that's not a bad point i think your dad was right i want to set the same thing you and i think i'm your dad i think when i was sitting by him he goes okay yeah you go over there but hey button up your jacket and then like that's cute that he wanted you to button up your jacket then a minute later i get hit right where the button that's that's a got shot right to the solar plexus I think he threw the ball oh my god that's what parents that's my biggest parent complaint

and human complaint is when you do something and someone and that obviously you didn't want to get hit in the chest with a ball right and someone goes why would you do that why my mom goes Nikki why would you spill water on your computer oh because I wanted to why would you do that why my mom goes nikki why would you spill water on your computer oh because i wanted to why would you have a glass of water next to your computer when you know that it could spill

i guess because you and dad had sex one time and made a fucking idiot that's why that's your dna put together a person whose brain did a dumb thing and ruined a computer. Why would you do that? Nikki, what you don't leave your purse in the back of Ubers. You got to check before you get out of Ubers. Oh, really? We're so,

thank you. I hate, but if you're someone who says that to someone when they've made a mistake, well, you got to look before you leave next time. So you don't leave things behind. Oh, thank you.

Like it, that doesn't help you're such an asshole and i've been one of those people too of like andrew come on you gotta do this before like yeah it's just like just tell me rooster when that happens andrew and i have a safe word for when we fight and we we didn't use it the other night we should have roostered i don't think we should have i think it was good no we had to get through it no no no we should have roostered um no we shouldn't have because we got through our fight well it's think we should have. I think it was good. No, we had to get through it. No, no, no. We should have roostered. No, we shouldn't have because we got through our fight. Well, it's interesting.

We usually have a safe word for if the fight's about to pop off and we know that it's going to get weird. And we know that neither of us are ready to apologize or be in the right state of mind to see that we're wrong. You just go rooster. And then you can like, it's like a safe word of like, let's shelve this and talk later. I think like rooster okay so next story yeah you can't rooster and it was all whatever you want that's like using when something like you can't get out of a story girls if you want

to get like and i know that andrew's not my boyfriend but if you want to really piss off whatever man you're living with it which is probably your boyfriend or your husband just go you're so cool and he will not know what it is and it will piss him off so much and you go you're you're being really if he's being cool and most of the time men are being cut and fights like they won't acknowledge they're wrong like that's kind of cut just be like you know what you're cut and it's so dismissive and it angers them so much especially if they don't know what it means well yeah then they're gonna go what's that mean and then you're gonna explain it to them i still don't get it this is fucking bullshit i might try to say cut in the mtv movie and tv awards by the way in my in one of my mom i said it yesterday does it work

i mean it works yes because i'm calling out guys that do a certain thing and i go but like i i wonder you should do it i should do it okay i'm gonna do it for besties do it for okay i'm doing it for you guys it's a fashion egg for you guys i don't know if it'll make the cut but i will say all right ellen generous says toxic workplace controversy not the reason she's ending her show yeah she's just um there's no she's not excited said lower ratings, not a reason. Of course not. Everything in television is down.

It's got nothing to do with why I'm leaving. If I was having fun, I would do this show with nobody watching. So it's got nothing, nothing to do with that. I don't not believe her, to be honest, even though we pretty much know that, based on the stories we've heard, something's not as it seems with that woman, like what she presents.

She's really a brunette, I heard. Right. I hear she's straight. No. I love Ellen, think she's one of the funniest comedians ever, terrified of her for sure. I just like, I don't ever want to. Why are we terrified of people like that?

Because they have power. Because there's, because they're just intimidating. And no, why do we let people be intimidating that you could beat up? She does have, she does have power. She has more power than, and she might have a,

she might be walking away from the show or whatever. And people keep going, who's going to replace her? Why don't we just let shows go? Why does it's the Ellen show. It's done. Start a new one. There's no replacement.

And by the way, it should be me. Yeah, exactly. A hundred percent. It should be. Someone tweeted that today. why does it's the Ellen show it's done start a new one there's no replacement and by the way it should be me yeah exactly 100% it should be someone tweeted that today it should be Nikki Glazer and I go oh my god I didn't even think about that yeah it should be I just I just read this though and they go nothing like nothing oh it's nothing if the ratings were better than ever they might convince you with a little bit of money to stick around and it might be a little bit more fun for you with the money you're getting if it was killing in the ratings a little bit harder. But the thing is money might not be an object to her anymore because she's so fucking rich.

But yeah, I mean the toxic workplace thing was not a good look. And then especially when your whole thing is about like giving money to like being the best like being the nicest and then we went through this with like all the allegations that came up of like the irony that she's like be kind and be and she dances and it seems so generous but it's really funny how there are moments i can't i will just say that there's tons of taylor swift moments with ellen that always pop up on my explore feed and i i watch taylor swift clips constantly when i'm like going to bed and just bored to calm myself because she just radiates confidence and like what i want to be in my life even though she's younger than me and most of the clips i'm watching her when she was like 22 you know no it's more recent stuff she's just like so confident and like it like she's not

like trying to be too skinny or trying to be a model like she All these phases that we all go through as women taylor swift Just like I love watching her now the other day. I watched um, her grammy performance her latest one because it is the epitome of Confidence and vulnerability and I just loved it. Anyway, I made emil and uh Andrew watch it in the car on the way to theo's podcast because I was feeling really anxious and I was like I just need to watch taylor's grammy performance and it just soothes me so much and like gave me that energy what I was gonna say is sometimes Ellen clips pop up of her and Ellen so many over the years and Ellen's always pranking her and or like asking her about boyfriends and you can tell Taylor is like really uncomfortable and like Ellen is like

enjoying the awkwardness and like the power dynamic yes and it's just I don't I really get uncomfortable watching Ellen uh interview sometimes ever since I saw the Dakota Johnson one. Oh, yeah. You know that one, right? Yeah, yeah. Where Dakota says, I did invite you to my birthday. And she's like, she kind of talks back to her.

I wonder what happened behind the scenes. I don't like awkwardness like that. That does not bring me joy. I want Ellen to be great. And if I ever meet her, I will like kiss her ass after i'm done munching her puss just kidding yeah i'll go to the back i'm just kidding well i made the joke yesterday that if she just gets into stand-up she could be as horrible as she wants and dude i would love to see ellen just go out there and be because ellen is ellen is if you watch that one

joke she does which you actually wrote the same joke and I told you that's an Ellen joke but she was watching there there was a couple jokes that I think that I love the most is but the one where she's talking about seeing a she was on a hike or something and she saw a deer in a field or something like this beautiful deer she just walks you through this like I was just thinking about the world and then I shot that thing like at the end she murders this deer and it's like that's Ellen that she's telling you the truth in her stand-up there's another thing where she goes to the grocery store she's like you ever be behind someone in line at the grocery store and um they've got all these like weird things in their cart and you're going what

what is that person's life like what are they gonna make and then you've you know you follow them out to the parking lot you kind of go what kind of car do they drive like I wonder what this person's and then you you just start following their car and you go i wonder what what neighborhood they live in and then you go oh my god where does it i wonder and then you're watching them dress later on when you're hiding in their closet you go i wonder what you know night cream she wears and so she it just gets really fucking dark so ellen much like every comedian is a really fucking dark person who's probably been through a lot of trauma and, um,

now has a lot of power and money and it's just turned into something else. But listen, I mean, she's not the only one. She's, she's one of my favorites. Every single time I go to the bathroom and the toilet paper starts to shred, you know,

you go to a mall or something or a, a, a shitty, like shitty toilet paper that is like one ply and it starts to like just turn into shreds and you get like one little piece that you're trying to make something of ellen has a joke about that and i'll never forget it and she goes she goes it turns into party streamers and she goes this is no time to celebrate and i literally say this is no time to celebrate every time i'm trying to get the it's i'm shredding off i go this is no time to celebrate

because you usually have like shit coming out of your ass to wipe up. And it's so funny to say it's no time to celebrate. Anyway, let's get to our sports moment. Okay, let's do it. Here's Andrew's weekly sports moment. We sounding thrilled again. I love that we recorded live each time and hear how happy she is. How do I make it sound the same every time?

It's crazy. It's noah with the intro uh connor mcgregor at the top of the highest paid athletes according to forbes yeah yeah that doesn't surprise me yeah but he's a ufc fighter i mean ufc oh wow like five years ago oh my god 180 million is that for earnings from May 1st, 2020 to May 1st, 2021? Okay, then we have, can I just guess who all these people are? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This will be fun. So this is the top 10. Conor McGregor, definitely no.

UFC, Irish, threw a stool through a window on a bus or something. Yeah, yeah, and give me what you know about him. Lionel Messi, okay yeah did i say lionel right it's leonel or something no lionel okay lionel messi definitely soccer player yes right and what's his deal um i think he he's probably in uh south america like columbia like like honduras or something like that from argentina argentina okay messy and then um i uh and i oftentimes my mom will say my room looks like him you want to know something cool about messy what he uh has a messy room no no no i was gonna be like are you making the same goddamn joke wait what i said my mom sometimes says my room looks like oh really yeah so uh i

think that's ellen's joke too um no and then she murders me he's like very small he's like five eight but he had a disease when he was a kid where he wasn't like growing or whatever and he only was able to so soccer clubs like when you're like 12 you could become like a professional or you get in like the developmental league yeah they gave him like a hormones and like shots that he never would have gotten. Whoa. And he just never would have, like he was like so small.

And he never would have matured into that without the money from the club. I don't know. So they gave him the money to get the hormone shots? Yeah. So I don't know. I love these stories. But is he short still?

Yeah, he's like 5'8". So it didn't work? No, it didn't. He would have been even smaller. Oh my God. Yeah. Wow. Okay. Cristiano Ronaldo. He would have been even smaller. Oh, my God. Yeah. Wow. Okay.

Cristiano Ronaldo. Cristiano. Cristiano Ronaldo. He is the guy that's workouts you were doing. Yes. In the Cayman Islands. What does he do? Soccer.

Okay. He's so hot. He also kind of got in some allegations of possible date rape. Yeah. That we've all forgotten about for some reason. Dak Prescott is married to Kristen from The Good Place. What's her name? Do you know who Dak Prescott is?

Wait, hold on. Let me guess. I'm guessing he is a basketball player. Football. Football player. Quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys. Okay, I love his podcast, The Armchair Cowboy. And then LeBron James.

I'm going to skip that one. No, LeBron James was in Trainwreck. Neym. No. LeBron James was in train wreck. Neymar. Any why? I mean, Neymar. I mean, why does he have one name and why would I not know who this is? I'm going to guess Neymar. I'm going to guess racing or that's going to be fighting.

Fighting. Some kind of fighting. Soccer player. Soccer. Neymar. Okay. He's from Brazil. Soccer player. Soccer. Neymar. Okay. He's from Brazil. He's awesome.

Okay. He loves to party. Okay. So he's clacking in number six, $95 million a year. These are the top earners, by the way. Roger Federer is number seven and he's tennis.

Yes. Lewis Hamilton is a vegan race car driver. And like, what's it called in Europe where they race cars? F1 racing. Yes, yes. And he's very, very tiny. And he's a vegan. And he's very outspoken. Where I walk dogs, he lived in that building.

Is he a gay man? No, we don't know. OK. Because I remember being like, I'm so attracted to him. Someone was like, he might not be into you. And I go, well, I'm a vegan. And like, maybe I have a chance. And they're like, Nikki, I just don't know that you understand what I'm saying. And I someone's like he might not be into you and I go well I'm a vegan and like maybe I have a chance and they're like Nikki I just don't know that you understand

what I'm saying and I was like I don't well it's crazy he's an African American that's a driver in F1 I mean it rarely happens Tom Brady very familiar with him I can't believe he's coming in at number 9 with 76 million that is not going to make him happy and then Kevin Durant is obviously

basketball correct yes and Kevin Dur durant kisses tom brady's kids oh right right 75 million 100 no one looked at me so weird yeah no if you haven't seen tom brady making out with his son in that clip you need to google it and i know you'll start out the clip and you'll go that's not weird wait until he calls his son back and makes him kiss him again. That's the weird part. My dad made me kiss him on the lips until I was 24. So not judging, but also judging. And he would have made this list. Yeah.

Maybe for top awning men. $180 million in one year. You don't need to keep going. Well, that's what they say about him. Mo money, mo. The thing is, I will say that the more money you get, the more people you employ. So maybe you just feel. It's just like no one needs this much money. But he lost that fight.

You watched that fight with Dustin Poirier. Everyone says you make too much money. You freaking can't. You don't wake up and work hard when you wake up on silk sheets. That's what they say with cum on one side. No, but that's what they say. They say if if you make too much money you're gonna lose your drive and you're not gonna be able to be a fighter like fighters come from you know from like coal making like a diamond or whatever diamond how does that yeah sometimes i worry that like if i

would if i like fall in love and have all the things that i want and feel really loved in this world like feel liked like the way that you'll talk about, then I'll stop wanting to be famous and stuff. But that's not true because my parents, I still want to get them into like, make sure they have nice nursing homes and care when they get old. And I'm driven by that. Like I would just want my family to be like, okay.

So I think as long as they are not rich, I will still be motivated to work. I always say I have it on my vision board. One day i want to drive a bentley to my mom's nursing home yes roll up there and take her for a spin no she ain't coming on that yeah you can't fit the oxygen tank in that little fucking you're gonna have a little i'll have a little huh i'll have a little u-haulul for her in the back. That's so cute. Okay, we got to go to listener mail. It's time for our weekly listener mail dump.

These are the voice memos, the Instagram DMs, the emails you sent to the Nikki Glaser podcast at gmail.com. Noah, let's play us a couple. You want to start with a voice memo from Catherine hey Nick and Andrew and Noah love the pod so much it's my new face

just wanted to tell you a story that I got reminded of going back to Andrew's story of stretching his ball skin over his girlfriend's hand and Nikki talking about how she likes to play with penises sometimes. One time I was in the bath with my ex-boyfriend and he was uncircumcised and the tip of his penis, I don't know if you guys know, Andrew

obviously doesn't know, but the skin kind of comes together at the end and i was kind of squeezing the skin like a the opening of a balloon and i blew into it gently not sure if it's bad or not but it blew up like a balloon oh my god so fun fact you can blow uncircumcised penises up like a bull oh my god did she like anyway i just wanted to ask if um yeah if nikki's ever done that or if anyone else has ever done that it's pretty weird i have never yeah thanks for letting me share love you guys catherine oh my god catherine why do you love her voice so much I don't know what it is I mean it is darling but I didn't know

it was like sexual it is so hot is it like I just want her here tell me every like hot story it is like gentle and like it was

and she was definitely Canadian I heard a boot for sure yeah she's so sweet Catherine that's so funny and vulnerable thank you for sharing

yes I know exactly what you mean like I've never been with an uncircumcised guy but like pulling that skin up right like the the turtleneck up and then you kind of cinch it with your fingers and then you blow into it and you could create a big bubble around the head of his dick what does that do for you like even hearing that viscerally um it makes me happy i'm jewish and that they cut my skin off because i think it's so funny and i really want to do no i love that she was open with doing that and and you know now she's with a circumcised

man probably because she hates balloons yeah but but that that was the last draw i think i bet that's how her voice got so high pitched is that there was helium in that dick balloon that she blew god helium's the best i used to ask my mom on my birthdays like as a kid i was like can we just run a helium tank and get fucked up like helium was like a kid's way of getting fucked up have you ever done whippets no but i mean like i just wanted our voices to sound high i thought that was so fun to have a whole party where all you do is get your voice to go high yeah it's so fun to be like to talk like this like it's it's wild when you're fun for three balloons no it's it i would have had fun all day uh let's get to jack's voicemail this is a mispronunciation let's hear it jack

okay so i'm listening to santa monica and i got a call about this i used to work at a big corporate law firm in new york And it was very early on, it was my first time presenting to the lawyers, I'm super junior and feeling very fish out of water. And I had to present something legal. And then they gave me a note on a segue, I had to read out loud to the entire group, that we were moving on to the next event. And in that segue, there was a word that I'd only ever heard out loud, but had never seen written down. So I told a room full of my bosses, big wigs, people that I was trying to impress.

I said, everyone, after this this we will proceed to the luncheon i heard this what you told me about this one and everyone just sort of stared at me yeah i was pulled pulled aside later and like you know that you know that's luncheon oh god yeah i didn't know the context of this luncheon you had told me about luncheon because you listen to these voicemails all the time so i had heard this like i had heard about luncheon you had told me about luncheon because you listen to these voicemails all the time so i had heard this like i had heard about luncheon i thought i saw that coming right there but the context of it being in front of all your bosses and you say luncheon and everyone just kind of shifts in their seats awkwardly and you know that at that luncheon everyone in the buffet

line is talking about how you said luncheon because luncheon lunch it's e-o-n at the end i didn't know this yeah i i don't know i didn't i thought luncheon was spelled i-n at the end i really did we're gonna go luncheon yeah we're gonna go to luncheon um i had no idea no no one goes we're not we're gonna go to luncheon we're gonna go to a it's a luncheon when you were when you were in um like uh church or whatever or like you it whatever, people were going around in circle and you knew your sentence was coming up. Yeah. Would you read your sentence to see if there were words in it? Of course.

Yeah, you'd prepare. Oh, yeah. That's the worst thing teachers can do. If you want a kid to hear no information all day, make them do the thing where they have to tell different. Oh, yeah. All my family keeps calling me. There's either an emergency or I'm hosting the MTV Awards tonight and they're wishing me good luck. Or they're calling me about Fallon.

I don't know, but I'm getting a lot of calls. Or someone's dead. I guess we'll find out later. No, you know what I will say before I answer these calls and my world changes? Let's just live in denial of what they could be calling me about for the time being but when um one time what i was thinking about luncheon oh there's a word that you mispronounce all the time and i and i hear this mispronounce all the time so let's say i was giving you guys both a um thing to fill out that has a bunch of uh like questions on it to like you know uh no uh questionnaire there we go say it again questionnaire it is not questionnaire it's a questionnaire questionnaire

i want to be very like everyone fucks this up it is not a questionnaire like a buccaneer or a pioneer it's a questionnaire n-a-i-r-e like it's air with an e at the end it is not questionnaire a questionnaire might be a person like a nickname you call someone who's asking a question but e-e-r at the end means it's like someone who's doing something yeah a document is questionnaire so let's all let's all fix that but that's just one that I hear all the time that's probably and question the year does make kind of sense. You're asking something. You're using your ear.

I do understand that, but that's stupid. Yeah, I'm dumb. No one said I was smart in ear. Should we do another voicemail? This story is hilarious, by the way. Okay, let's hear it. This is so embarrassing, but Andrew Bud. Okay, so this is from Adrian. And this is regarding, by the way. Okay, let's hear it. This is so embarrassing, but Andrew Budd. Okay, so this is from Adrian,

and this is regarding Andrew's pubes. Yeah, yeah, my pubes. Can I read it? Yeah, of course. Wait, I'm trying to talk like that girl. Wait a second, car talk. Oh, my brother-in-law's calling me about a car that ran over my dad.

Okay, so someone did die. I'm just kidding. He goes, we need to talk about the car. That would be so funny if I'm like, oh thank god nothing happened he's like that ran over your father earlier today like oh what um okay so adrian says this is so embarrassing but andrew bud wishing you all this well as i can relate my best friend went through puberty first and he always bragged about his pubes i started saying it was no biggie because I had them too. One day, with his deepening voice, he called my bluff. He's like,

show me your pubes. Well, that's not it, but I'm paraphrasing. Now, I did have pubes, but they were like peach fuzz. So in an effort to fool my friend, I went to the bathroom and applied his mom's mascara on my wispy blonde pubes, hoping it would fool my best friend. Swear to

God. We need to know adrian didn't fool your friend did your friend know and by the way adrian you're a goddamn genius to figure this out when you're around puberty and you're a boy that doesn't really understand makeup but maybe you did to have that foresight you are probably a i want to know what adrian does for a living because that's a smart kid i mean that's the fact that he used a woman's product to look more like a man is awesome it's really smart engineering i bet adrian's smart that is i i'm really impressed with that i don't even know that i would think of that he probably used blush as someone who uses more red too i don't know what you know what else are you doing with makeup he's

probably a makeup artist maybe he probably uses uh you know it's probably like elon highlighter to for lube this guy's a genius uh yeah how do you not write like if he was fooled or not i mean you really left a cliffhanger yeah you really did uh but i i get that so much though trying to impress the first the kids that got the pubes man my friend laura has was the first one with pubes we were all getting into the bath and we all were like what the fuck is that we weren't we didn't think it was cool girls are horrified by maturity or like puberty and guys are like thank god it's here yeah oh my god that's all we want in life because our nipples get hard we start getting uh like calcified nipples well that happens to us too they call it budding it was disgusting

my sister and i were talking about the other day we like people girls with budding breasts kirsten and i my best friend who's coming to visit it's gonna sleep on the cum side of the bed tonight um she uh she and i we were the funniest people i think i mean i really do think we were the funniest kids ever because we coined a term in like sixth or seventh grade for girls that need to have bras but haven't gotten them yet and like because a lot of girls like you just like your your your like little like budding nipple is stucking out it's not even like a hot nipple it's like a child's like puberty nipple it's like so not good not a good look and we used to call it we used to be

like she's so in dire and it meant in dire need of a bra but we would just say in dire and no one knew what it was so we would call girls in dire all the time and be like i'm so in dire right now sounds like namar so doesn't it what do you mean in dire like it's just one word like yeah you like shortened it yeah and it's so like if if we would write it in a note it would be i-n-D-I-R-E, like Indyre. And so if you ever see a girl that needs to wear bra, they're Indyre. You could spread that as well as Kuh. And we also used to –

I wish Indyre was on the top ten list and you'd be like soccer, basketball. Like how you spelled it. Like that could easily be a cool-ass name. Oh, yeah. Like, oh, yeah. Indyre is also the name of a soccer player from peru we gotta get some final thought um let's talk about your nipples huh your buddies that came out on jimmy fallon okay so i did jimmy fallon yesterday via zoom i want to know

your takeaway from such a big moment and then having something embarrassing i'm sure you might have already talked about it already i didn't talk about it yet oh so how what are your what's your takeaway and yeah yeah so i was set up to do that like from your perspective i guess you could set us up what what what happened so nikki's doing fallon we you know we worked on uh the script me her and emil she really was like wanting it to nail it we wrote this whole chunk on dave matthews you know she all she's a very good she's always prepared nikki even if it's like down to the wire she's still always prepared she's a machine and and she's dressed beautifully she the light the light is up everyone's you know yeah this is how i'm observing well on zoom i

usually wear just like a shirt when i do these shows i don't get styled because i'm just like on zoom i don't need to wear a whole outfit but right before fallon i had a fitting for that vm or the mtv movie and tv awards unscripted it's a very long uh title watch it on monday night do not forget monday night the 17th i'm taping it tonight wish me luck spend your swells my way um but i tried on a pink thing that didn't fit the right way in terms of length but it looked amazing the top half and my stylists were like please wear this on fallon i was like oh my god that's a great idea you know usually i was just gonna wear like a reformation top i have upstairs and some like fucking bicycle shorts but i'll wear this dress and i'll wear it with the boots i'll

have the whole outfit just so i feel good from head to toe and this dress is very low cut it's like a blazer it looks like a dress slash blazer it's like a pink thing i wore it on instagram out of like uh like a 70s rock star yeah it looked awesome it's sparkly pink blazer you guys saw it on my instagram i think and then i didn't wear a bra with it because it was so low cut that it didn't need one but my it wasn't like we're showing cleavage i wasn't though i mean i mean you're right i wasn't tired we're showing cleavage. You're in dire though. I wasn't though. I mean, you're right. I was in dire. It ended up being in dire. Oh my God.

We know what this episode's called. Oh my God. I was so in dire. That's crazy how that came back. So literally my strapless bra is laying on the ground because I thought maybe I'll need it. But then I was like, you know what? I don't need one because this looks like so sleek without it.

It's not like I was pushing my boobs up. My chest is like flat. like you could see my like my rib cage coming through which as someone who really worries about their weight when your rib cage pops through it's like horizontal stripes and it makes you look so much fatter that's my like a joke I wrote one time was like anorexic girls like don't get too skinny because then your rib cage is like horizontal stripes and like makes you look fat um i'm getting my ribcage uh twisted to the side so it's like elongating um so anyway i'm i'm i'm watch chapelle they i was the second guest after spell which they it was a big deal for them to be like is it okay if you're the second guest i'm like i don't care

i'm really i don't have an ego about that, especially when someone like Chappelle, if it was like, I don't know, who's the guy that does, I'm just trying to think of, if it was that nerdy chef who does kitchen experiments. Or Neil deGrasse or something. No, Neil deGrasse Tyson,

I would take a backseat. I would take a second chair to him, but let's say if it was like, I don't know. Well, it's funny too, because Chappelle just got done talking. Even if it was like i don't know uh well it's funny too because chapelle just got done like talk like they were you know even if it was guy fieri i'd be like i deserve second seat like i don't care and it was chapelle so chapelle goes first usually like the first guest has two

segments chapelle had three not not a problem though but it went really long too because jimmy and him were just telling stories and like they're dancing. It was really, really, I think they cut. No, I did. I didn't watch it yet. Did they cut the part where I make fun of a podcast that Jimmy and Chappelle should have? I don't remember hearing that.

Okay. That was probably my funniest moment. And they had to cut it because his segment went long. And so they, but at the end of Chappelle's segment, him and Jimmy, they just kept going on and they kept telling stories about different parties.

They were like, remember that party where Prince got you to come up on stage and he's like wait was that the one this after the super bowl or after like jay-z's like birthday like they couldn't figure out what parties all these and so and they kept going and like and so i went my segment came up i go i'm so excited for chapelle's new podcast and i really want you guys to collab on a podcast called famous people trying to remember what famous people they hung out at what famous person's birthday party and I was like I was sitting here

you're doing I go I go sitting here listening to the I was like I loved I loved you guys just talking I go I'm sitting here with my whole team and I go I keep updating them but I go Paul McCartney just walked into the party now now Jay-Z and Beyonce

walked in. So I, it was really a funny, and, and, and I was so hoping they would include that because it was just a really fun moment with, and Jimmy really loved it, but they had to cut it because they had to cut those stories anyway. But before all that, Jimmy is bringing, so I'm waiting, sitting there in the chair and Jimmy, I thought thought it was hilarious it would be funny because usually when i walk out on jimmy fallon he goes nikki glazer and i walk out and i'm like kind of like hi and i'm like do a thing where i'm like i always when i walk out of a curtain need to be like hello like it's just so weird to walk out of a curtain that i like to like play it up you know and i open my arm i swing open my arm like like i'm walking out because it's so stupid i'm on

zoom i'm gonna pretend i'm actually because he goes Nikki Glaser I go hi everyone I hear you know quest love on the drums and I swing open my arm and there's just one button and it unsnaps and my tit comes flying out of my dress I haven't even I said hi and then I go oh my god oh my god and Jimmy is like horror doesn't even know what has happened I don't think and I was like oh my god my dress unzipped and i'm holding it i mean you guys can watch it i haven't watched it yet so i don't know what they did with the footage but it to be on the tonight show and they yeah so to be on and i go and i had to say immediately you can keep this just let's keep going because i knew that they probably were thinking she runs to stop down i go you know this is to me and like i didn't mean to do it obviously i love when stuff like that happens for me i was more embarrassed that you guys thought

i had like like that you guys thought i was so stupid like in front of my friend i was more embarrassed in front of my friends than i was fallon and his staff or whatever i was embarrassed because jimmy fallon's show was like very clean and like this is just like on dancing with the stars when they told me to be clean and then tom Bergeron asked me, does standup ever help you with dancing? And I said, well, Tom, I've had some really rough sets and he thought I said sex. And then everyone goes, ooh. And I'm like, I was trying to be squeaky clean

because ABC made me feel like such a whore coming in. Like, don't you ruin our network with your trash pussy jokes. And so I'm being, I'm tiptoeing. And then everyone hears me say sex even though i said sets so on jimmy fallon i am trying to be so tonight show i like respect that show so much i never want to make jimmy uncomfortable sexually with any kind of like innuendo where i'm not trying to like push any boundaries on that show ever i'm like very appreciative of you non and i

come in and i throw a tit out right away and i'm it's like the most ironic place to do that for me that's what i'm saying but how you handled it it's it reminds me of this guy who said lunch lunch luncheon instead of luncheon there's two ways you can handle a situation like that you could either go my tits out oh my god jimmy i need like five minutes this is so embarrassing i can't believe i did this i apologize i'm trying and then you like walk away and then yeah can we do this over so i get a better headset? I can't. Please don't show this to anybody.

I will never. Or you do and you attack and you face it and then you put it on Instagram and then you use this negative. So when you say luncheon, just go, dude, I said luncheon. Have you ever read this out loud? Like make up, like live it and like experience it. Yes. Because as we see, a lot of people say luncheon. A lot of people like fuck up.

It's not my fault that it came. I was like, you should be wearing a bra. And it's like, well, a bra would have been showing underneath the jacket I was wearing. So I couldn't for that look. And I would never mean to do that. So that's, you know, I talk about it on the show a lot. But that's how I am able to traverse embarrassing moments in my life or times where I'm wrong or fuck up is like I didn't mean to do that so what am I I'm not I might be embarrassed that it

happened I'm embarrassed for other people that like have to like deal with the fact that I showed my tit and like feel sorry for me or something but I myself am very comfortable with that because that's essentially what I do on stage anyway like I've always admired strippers because they like put themselves out there and they like are vulnerable in that way. And it's like, okay, something embarrassing just happened. Let's keep going with it. And like, because that's just me. Yeah, but it's also 20 years of experience

and being okay with being who I am. The problem with the luncheon guy is that was probably the first time he was like speaking in front of a big room and they don't, you just don't know. You only learn that embarrassing moments can actually be the best moments by embarrassing yourself, which is, you know, I was grateful it happened in the end because it was just such a fun story, but I would have never planned something like that. I don't, you know, and tonight I'm taking a lot of chances. I was thinking about like all the

yesterday during rehearsals, I like came up with a lot of weird things to do at the MTV Movie and TV Awards Unscripted that I'm like, is this even gonna be funny? It might like really flop. I don't care because I know I'm funny and like all my intent is, is to be as funny as possible. So if something flops,

it's not because I didn't try or it's not because I was trying to be unfunny or trying to be embarrassing myself. It's because I was trying to be unfunny or trying to be embarrassed, embarrassing myself. It's because I'm, I'm trying to do my best. So like, I don't have anything to feel ashamed of if something isn't funny.

And here's the thing. If it doesn't destroy in the room, it can destroy with, you know, 50,000 people. And that's the, that's the beauty of taping a show. That's not live is literally people don't know this,

but if you come to every like special taping of mine and I flip fuck up a line, I will not just like, I will not just let it go and go, well, that's the way it went. I'll go, hold on you guys. Can you laugh the same way again?

Cause I'm going to do that line again because it's a taping and you don't people. Now what about leaving that in like leaving in that you go back? I mean, if it's funny, the fuck up is funnier than the joke itself that I'll leave it. But if's a fuck up that i'm like oh i just stumbled over that word i'll just do it again because everything is everything you see is edited talk about reality we're talking about reality tv you know a lot for these mtv movie and tv awards unscripted where we celebrate

all things reality on monday night monday may 17th at uh i think you know check your local listings but it'll be on monday it's gonna be so funny but we talk about live tv or uh reality tv and as someone who is very close to that world and and just has been in tv you guys do not trust any people you hate on reality tv don't trust that you know they're the worst person because you've seen what they do like the way footage is manipulated i've felt sure of myself that someone is a monster and I did not know anything. Or I've felt sure of myself that someone's a good person and I didn't know anything.

The thing is, these reality shows will make someone who's a monster look good because that person's good TV and makes them more money and they want to keep them around. And they'll make someone who looks bad a monster, obviously, because they need to villainize someone. So don't trust anything. Watch all these shows with a little bit of like but you really don't know these people because we're friends with some reality people that are being villainized this season um hashtag hannah burner on summer house and although she may look back at footage and be like i shouldn't have said that she is

nowhere near like how much people are angry at her that don't even know her people i'm close to who watch the show and are like your friend hannah is blah blah and i go you don't fucking know hannah shut the fuck up and then i watched it i was like oh man hannah actually needs and i'm just kidding hannah's hannah's hannah is being portrayed really badly on summer house and we will talk about that at some point because some people have asked us to address the hannah thing and i haven't finished the season so i don't really know and i think she was justified in murdering lindsey at the end of the season look lindsey had a common door yeah we gotta go

thank you for listening to the podcast we gotta go thank you so much for listening to a whole week of shows here in LA we'll be here next week as well and I can't wait to see you Monday I'll miss you all weekend please tune into the MTV TV and movie awards unscripted on Monday check out

my tour I'm going on tour Nikki Glaser dot com Slash tour Andrew will be there too tickets are available Now I can't wait to see you guys and Seriously thank you for your voice memos and Listening and being besties and posting about the show On Instagram and getting your friends into it it means so much To me and I love love love you Guys so much thank you for your support and your kindness

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And And And And And And And And

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And And And And And And And And

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