The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #322 Action Sports and TicTac

Episode Date: March 2, 2023

Are you the kind of person who sprints into action or sprints to the store? Nikki shares some new jokes in her set and how she didn't get a bald guy to write one down for her. Covering the topic of kids, Nikki wants to start saying "she got spayed". She shares her experience meeting an elderly dog named TicTac that she's considering adopting because no one wants him and his penis problem. Anya thinks she has the cure for it. Nikki also explains what is up with Marion and Luigi for Besties who are wondering. Nikki had a great night at Beauty and Essex that turned her from a crab to a starlet. In Why Do I Care? Noa asks Nikki what she thinks about Tom Brady getting into stand up comedy. Nikki and Anya are excited to go down south for tour this weekend although Anya realizes they've been there since she recognizes the menus of two vegan restaurants.   ----- Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Get Pod Merch: Podshop.NikkiGlaser.com Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Anya's Patreon: patreon.com/anyamarina   More Nikki: IG More Anya: IG More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Hello, here I am. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. Welcome to the show. I'm in Los Angeles. Noah and I are here in my Airbnb in Santa Monica. We can't see ourselves on our screen because we look so gross today that I had to move it off the screen. Have you ever been on a Zoom meeting and you like can't?

It does give you the option to remove your window. Do you know that on Zoom? I love that option. But on Riverside, which is what we record on, there is not that option. So I had to like zoom in on Anya and like move us to the side because I can't handle it today. There's no amount of lighting. What was that? What do you see?

Just you. Just you. You're a beautiful face. Just you zoomed in. Yeah, you always look lovely. I don't know what's going on with, it's just my head gets bigger every day. And my head does, I do have a huge head. My dad tried on my hat the other day and he goes, got a big head too because he has a huge head we have a large um dome i think it's

called but like from the front it doesn't look like i have a big head but every hat on me like chris the other day put on this baseball cap because he really likes it and he brought it and i was so like flattered that he with his like very exact boy style like i can't buy him anything because he knows exactly what he likes he never likes things that i would like for him but he likes my hat it's um my brother-in-law's canoe company thing big muddy and he took the hat to dinner and i was like yes and then he tried to put it on and he was like swimming in it and he had to move the thing to like he had to make it i have a bigger head than my boyfriend i've just never it just means you

have more hair no no it is i mean that might be true recently i love that when i was in college i was obsessed with shanae o'connor i made like a life-size collage, like a serial killer on the side of my dorm room wall. And she has the most beautiful cranium. Yeah, she's a good one. It's like a perfect skull. I'm sure it's a double XL. Yeah. I always am testing the limits

of baseball caps. I don't, and I don't like it to snug fit because it depresses my forehead. And then I have a line there. And it depresses everyone to see me in that hat too hats hats are the best baseball caps i know i wish i had one i have one in the other room but

baseball caps are the fucking best they make you look cool they're the sunglasses for your head well sunglasses are for your head as well but they're they make you feel secret servicey black ball caps i can't get enough i want to wear them i wish i could wear them on every tv appearance i have everything they make you look cool they make you look like you have a selena gomez size forehead which is a tiny tiny forehead my i have a large forehead it goes all the way back like it's it's just it's not like you know the worst thing about my looks but i do have a prominent forehead no you don't i've had oh yes i do look at this hold on hold on hold on so why all of us do see headphones i can't hear you but

look wait you're actually testing it with your hand yeah oh yeah mine's definitely from the brownness no oh that's fpb you guys something to talk about? No, you don't. I don't have a high forehead. But Selena Gomez, I love her forehead. She has like, literally she could maybe fit a Q-tip between her brow

and her hairline. It's so good. And she has just, it makes you have a cute little small face. Because I think kids don't have big foreheads. That was not a beauty

ideal though. Like Rita Hayworth had all her hair pulled out back in the day because she had too short of a forehead. Oh God, that makes me cotton mouth. Don't even talk about

it. Where's Taylor Monroe? Me, no, no, no. I don't like. Oh my God. I hate it so much. That made me more sick than last night. I went to a, I went to my friend Natalie. She was on the show. She does

the dog rescue. So i went to go to her house to go look at this dog that i might rescue and out of we're gonna put it in a burning building and i'm gonna run and get it just so i can really lean into the rescue part of it and um so i went to go meet this dog but she has a blind dog because the dog had like eye problems and so it it was nearly blind but its eyes hurt and they would have to administer drops and it would bite anyone who would so they just had its eyes taken out because now it's not in pain it's just you know permanently blind so she was like yeah but i got his eyes in a jar like she is so and so she goes you want and she was like you want to see him

and she kind of was just like i can show him if you want and she kind of said that as like a just a passing thought but i was like fuck yeah i want to him to him if you want. And she kind of said that as like a, just a passing thought. But I was like, fuck yeah, I want to see these eyes in a jar. And so she cut out this jar and her dog's eyes were in it. It was like this little tiny jar. It was so cute. That made me less disgusted to see these like cloudy eyeballs of this, this dog.

Then what you just said about Rita Hayworth. I'm gonna, I'm gonna be sick all day thinking about her fucking hairline hairs out. I'm going to die. That makes you sick. about Rita Hayworth. I'm gonna be sick all day thinking about plucking her fucking hairline hairs out. I'm gonna die. That makes you sick? I'd rather eat the eyeballs. Or... What?

I'm gonna say another thing. No. Trigger warning. Okay, T-dubs. Or pulling cotton out of your mouth. That's... No, hair is the worst for me now. Like, plucking hairs.

Like, people with... Even... I have so much empathy for trichotillomaniacs out there who like plucking hairs like people with even i have so much empathy for trichotillomaniacs out there who are plucking their hairs to like calm down but i can't handle if it's like in the back of your head amongst a lot of hairs it's easier for me but if it's on the edge oh i don't know why do you have any of those no i'm sorry i just burped do you have any of those what like things that make you go oh i guess like stuff that's like eye related just like touching the eye oh sorry eye jar would have bummed you out no i just

those eyes are out yeah like if it's wait hold on oh don't pluck a hair off no no i'm trying to take something off your face okay um so do i anything that like fourth of my nose anything that involves eye touching okay so contact lenses lasik yeah but i could do contact contacts lasik i i want to do it so bad but i'm really trying to get over this eye stuff i can't tell you enough like i know lasik lasik plus is one of our sponsors and i got lasIK through them I can't wait to go back and have my other eye done so I'm getting my other eye done for sure because the one eye isn't really working for me it's a soothing process I got to bring Taylor with me everyone's so nice you're in and out um Chris is gonna get it done too at LASIK plus like I'm like obsessed

with the doctors there it's just they are so chill about it but they're not chilling away like I hate when you go but I think I said this before I hate when you go places and they're too chill about what's happening veneers like where they're just like yeah you're just gonna get it and you're like no I need to like hear everything that you're doing like I know you guys do this every day but I don't it's kind of like the way I was with my family with reality show I was just like the cameras are gonna be here and it's gonna be fine because i'm used to that but they were like freaking out yeah and i didn't have enough compassion for her experience i was just thinking about my own experience and how it must be the same as hers because i lack empathy because of my mom it's all ironic but um but at lasik they just

like hold your hand through it literally during it you don't there's no do you smell anything yes flowers that they give you at the end no you do smell they tell it that's the only thing that i could say that you might like you don't feel anything i'm not kidding you like you there's no like needles involved there's no like you know that there's lasers but you don't feel the laser you don't see the laser they were talking to me the whole time they were just going your lashes are so long and i was like oh i use the slat teeth knock off like i think it's made me blind and i was just like but they were like your lashes are incredible they're just talking to me about my lashes the whole time and then we were talking about makeup it was you go to one machine and then you go to another it's done

within like three minutes tops i'm not even joking you and you do smell like a burning but it's like because someone's like you know overcooked and baked potato in the break room like it's it's not bad at all and you don't really like get covid before it so you won't smell anything they're just making conversation while they're doing lasik yeah because he's done 97 000 procedures have you i've never done anything that many times in my life i haven't blinked 98 97 000 times so like this is nothing to him so yeah and he was trying to distract because he's so used to people being so nervous but i was just yeah i wasn't nervous at all but they also give you um like a relax like valium or something if you want it or xanax or something beforehand i i tried to go they were like do you want some xanax and i was like

can i have it for the road i was like can i get a doggy bag they're like no this is for like this is for your your feelings now and i'm like but i think tomorrow i might be like anxious about this like show i'm doing and they're like no we can't just like get but they were they were cracking up because i was like i don't need it now i'm very relaxed like i actually am looking forward to laying down and just like having someone gently talk to me about my lashes. That's like OBGYNs. They're like, so what's your major? You're like, you're knee deep, elbow deep.

Yes. Cervix. Or dentists. I know it's such a hack thing, but they always ask you questions when their fingers are in your mouth. And it's like, really, that's bizarre. Did you notice the other day I put in the thing about male gynecologists in my act? Oh my God.

Your act was so much. Noah came to see me the other night. I went to see Nikki at the bourbon. So much. I don't know if that's a great. No, it's, there's so extra.

I mean, like there's so much material and it's the first time i've seen you in a club in a really long time yeah so for you know like i've heard you talk about stuff on the podcast so for besties who can go see nikki like it's so fun to hear how you put all these things together yeah i wouldn't have done that gynecologist thing had the pod not like open that fucking world up to me but everyone's on board so much and so you know like i was thinking and i was telling you in the car like all the comedians had their own style and i was like what is it about nicky's that like pops so much and you're like one of the few comedians

who you don't just like tell stories and like do social commentary you talk about the things that like the thoughts that everybody has but we don't let it out of our id it's like in like it stays in the end and you just like bring it to the surface and it's just like it's so fun we had such a good time oh that's so nice yeah i like i just because i've always been talking about like we shouldn't trust male babysitters like i have this whole rant about like protecting your kids from pedophiles and i go i'm just gonna keep going like i'm like swim coaches like men should not be able to be children's swim coaches children's gymnastics coaches below a certain age like anyone who's like your kids genitals are like within their hands reach no yeah and anyone who like kind of disagrees with me i kind of think like i'm right i'm so like especially with i was so nervous on

the podcast to say that i'm suspicious of male gynecologists but then we were flooded with stories of male gynecologists being creeps and then of course people sent us articles about these are male gynecologists and this is why they do it and the reasoning was creepy like a lot of those reasonings like i really have not been given too many like it like i don't know know, like proof that it's not weird. And I will say that I'm sure 90% of male gynecologists get into it for the right reasons, but 10% is a lot of gynecologists. I don't even know if after hearing all the feedback,

I wouldn't even say 90%. I'm not even- Yeah, that's generous. Just think about it. If you are in med school and you have the option of doing anything, why would you choose the one where you get to have your hand inside a woman and she is going to allow you to do anything because we don't know.

She can't move. They can't move. And we trust doctors. And we should. Hopefully we can. And I would even say pediatricians like i've heard about people being molested in front of their parents oh my god at the pediatrician because the pediatrician my dermatologist did it to me when i was 17 or 18 i had some moles and i and then this

creepy disgusting doctor yeah he made my mom leave the room i think i was maybe 18 but i was just on the verge and then he he goes you have to get completely naked and he was so short so disgusting so creepy and then he walked around me slowly sorry trigger warning but i'm just reporting and then he just in my ear he goes you have a beautiful body okay put your clothes on now disgusting and then my mom came back in and i told her immediately i go i hate him i told her what happened and she was like that's awful and we'll never go back to him did nothing did nothing because people are terrified of doctors they're egomaniacs they are just they're like you know that's the documentary stolen youth like i wouldn't

trust myself about around that guy larry even though i know what his ways i believe he is probably good enough to yeah he's so sexual i just want to hold his penis as i sleep at night but it's part of the doc um i just want to rub my tits on that head oh god he's so gross but it's just like i don't think you're gonna outsmart these people or don't think that you're going to be different than other women in these circumstances like i've told this before but i have a friend who's probably like the out of everyone i've ever known in my life in terms of women she's probably been in the most bar fights of any woman i know like the most scraps with other women like she's just like a ball buster she's like intimidating and she went to a masseuse a male masseuse and he fingered her asshole and this person who calls out any injustice

around her like i'm scared of her did nothing because and she said i couldn't do anything i froze i didn't know what to do she was she was disgusted with herself that she didn't do anything afterwards she didn't want to she couldn't even call the place to you know uh you know say anything about it luckily that place another girl there that same day got her asshole fingered as well and so a lawyer went and that represented that woman looked at their books for the day and said who else saw this guy and called every one of them and she got a call from this lawyer being like at this salon were you fingered, or did anything, and she was like, yes. So that's the only way

that she ever ended up suing this guy. I think it's really a personality thing, because a couple of days ago, I told you we went to a restaurant, Avi and I, and some woman fainted at the bar, and she just fell back, and I saw it happen with my eye, but I froze.

All I could do do i just went avi and he and he turned around and he like sprinted into action but i just like i just didn't know what to do and i think there's just action was a sporting goods store next door he ran away he sprinted into action sporting goods um yeah you just don't know what you're gonna do in those circumstances or any just free trauma and then and and there were like in every you know there were other people who saw it happen and they were just frozen and i think there's just people who can just fight through that frozenness and just go into action and then there's just some people who have to just stay

frozen and watch like me my voice teacher was talking about coming upon a um car accident he saw it happen and then he rushed into action right the the sporting goods store he rushed in there and got there everywhere i mean it's it's i would invest if i were you guys that is action sports would be a good sporting goods place okay so he's he's sprints into action he gets over to the woman that's been like, or the mailman that was like tossed out of the car and stuff. And he's like helping and aiding and assisting. And he said that the girl who was probably on her phone, distracted driving, early 20s, was just like on her phone.

And like she nearly killed this mailman. He went flying. He's like crumpled in the corner. And my voice teacher is helping him. And he is telling me all about this. And he's like like and she didn't even come over she's just on her phone it's like if i hit someone i and i go i didn't say this at the time but i'm like she might have been like a total twat and just not cared that she hit someone but you don't i've hit someone before and my first reaction was to laugh because it was so nervous insane i started

cackling like like an like an insane person like i can't even imagine that i would do ever do anything like that there was nothing funny about it but it was so shocking that i was laughing and then i didn't want to get near him at all because i was so scared to see what i had done and there were other people assisting i mean like given the fact that if no one would have been there, I obviously would have mustered the courage to do it. But I don't like, I don't like seeing people hurt. I don't like seeing blood. I'm just so scared.

I hope I never come upon a car crash the first. I will drive around it. I'm sorry. I will probably wait for someone else to get there because I can't. I can't handle it. I don't know what that is about me. I couldn't even call 911. So I understand.

Oh, God. It's up happening to her. Well, what you need to do. He didn't know because it's like HIPAA or whatever. What about the woman in the bar? So the ambulance eventually came and she came too. She was just like frozen. I don't think she fainted, but she bit her tongue as she fell

and her head just hit the floor. So when the EMTs picked her up, there was blood and stuff and they took her to the hospital and that's all I know. Oh my God. Poor lady. That just reminded me of a joke I said the other night and I was just so excited that you reminded me of it because I did it on stage and i totally forgot but i was talking about how men are like intimidated by sex toys and

i was like you know like i think that they think we compare them to our vibrators and it's like we don't it's apples to oranges like do you compare us to your like your clenched fist like do you are you like oh her vagina doesn't have as many, like calluses? Like it's the same thing, but men somehow think that we're like, why doesn't his penis vibrate at 10,000 beats per second? Like we don't compare it.

And then I said something about like, I did date an epileptic guy once and he was seizing and it was this, there was some kind of connection where he was like vibrating that much and it was like, just the idea of like me

taking an epileptic to a laser show so it triggers it so i can oh my god it really made me laugh so sorry but i just remembered uh that oh it's so good when you remember something that you said on stage because i keep having these moments on stage where it's like the perfect joke i came up with and i just can't go back and listen to my set. I cannot do it. And I'm like, the other night I said something and I knew that I would want to remember it. I knew I would never go back and listen

because I hate listening to myself. But thank you so much to the listener right now for listening to me. I don't know how you do it. But I couldn't see Anya off stage and I was like, Anya, write that down uh there i couldn't see anya off stage and i was like anya write that down but i couldn't see her and so there was there was the stage man the guy that was like running the lights i had like talked to him right before because i asked him i always ask when i go

to towns like what's the worst part of town because i have this joke where you just like insert worst part of town here and he was like not being very cooperative with that he but he was okay he was fine but i didn't even know what to call him sound he because he wasn't the sound guy he wasn't a stage manager so i just go bald guy that's so mean but there was nothing else he was just a white guy like average heighted white guy like what i just said bald guy you didn't say that and he turned and he was disgusted with me he was so mad that i said it was that asshole guy that you guys said you didn't like very much it was mean he was cut so i didn't know he was an asshole at the time but i was like he probably wasn't and he probably didn't like that i called him bald guy but then the audience

kind of reacted and i go he knows he's bald like what am i supposed to do like that's the i didn't have i didn't get his name maybe that's on me i don't i don't know that those people, you can't get every crew member's name. I wouldn't have remembered it even if I got it because it's in one ear and out the other. Not because I don't care, but because, you know, everyone knows how it's like hard to remember names. So I just said, bald guy. And I wasn't trying to be funny. I wasn't trying to be mean.

He was just, it's like the old guy that I talked about on that game show I did where i said you know he's old and everyone goes it's like people are bald people are old people are like you just can't say those things but there was nothing else about him that was definable but he certainly did not write down the joke that i told i was like will you please remember this thing thank god anya was in the back and they had the audio yeah going so she heard me i was like i got it mother abortion baby yeah it was like a good job it was i was talking about chris being like he doesn't want to picture the mother like like his wife doing these things i was talking about how like men like they want the whore and then they want the Madonna, like the mother or the whore.

And they don't like when you can't be a whore, like a lot of times men, when they have their, yeah. When a lot of times when men have children with a wife, they can't, they don't want to make her a whore anymore. Cause it's like,

she's a mother of my child. So I was like, so Chris, Chris doesn't, my boyfriend doesn't want the future mother of his aborted fetus. And so I was like, Baldy, write down mother of an aborted fetus. He was just like, no. He just looked at me like, uh-uh.

So we got to go to break. We'll be back with more after this. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines.

Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Okay, we're back. So, last night I saw a dog named tic tac oh he's approximately eight they don't really know he was a stray they i guess this is what happens people bring in dogs and they say they're strays but they're really just like i'm broke and i can't afford to take care of this dog anymore so that happens a lot at rescues or like um shelters is people will be like they told me that last night they told me the story that one guy came into a rescue one day or a stray

sorry rest yeah rescue a humane society brought in the dog and was like found this dog on the street and they're like oh okay and they were like we'll scan his microchip and they scan the microchip a number comes up they call the number it's the guy's fucking, his phone starts ringing. And so people do this all the time. And so this little dog named Tic Tac. This is, this is, this, can I just like present my struggle with this? And maybe this will go down in the annals of time of like, oh my God, Tic Tac's my dog. And I'll be like, oh, the first time I talked about Tic Tac, this was on, or maybe I never have Tic Tac.

Who knows? I'm still like kind of in this weird place with it. I feel like I'm ready to get a dog because, first of all, I watched this TED talk the other day about how your life, you have all these moments in your life where your life can bifurcate, I think is the word she said, where you can go in two different directions, right? And you have chances of moments in your life where your life can bifurcate, I think is the word she said, where you're,

you can go in two different directions. Right. And, um, you have chances of that every day, but generally we don't, we don't choose those chances. We don't go,

I'm going to just quit my job and try another job. I'm going to, I'm going to, you know, move. I'm going to get a dog. Like we often are just thrust into them because we get sick. A parent gets sick.

A parent dies. Like we're just, and then you're hurtled or you get fired. You're just hurtled into this new version of your life that is going to change you for the rest of your life. And we don't often just choose those. We wait for them to happen to us. And I've just recently been, like I was saying the other day, feeling like I know I don't want kids,

which is another joke that is killing right now because I realized in deciding that I don't want kids I literally am set to make over the next 18 years uh over a million dollars that was so it's the best joke I've ever come up with look at the audience to see like how many people the light bulb went off that like no one's ever I mean everyone knows that raising a kid is about i think it used to be three hundred thousand dollars like four years ago and now it's about a million dollars in la it's a million dollars easy if you want to have a good education um and it's true like when i when i realized i didn't want to freeze my eggs and i probably i'm not gonna have kids i was just like i get a million dollars like that is a really cool way to look at it so when I said that the other night and I don't want to go down the Chelsea Handler route of like I love what Chelsea

Handler does about being childless I just bought a sweatshirt that says childless on it like almost like collegiate but it says childless like I am celebrating being childless I'm I'm leaning into it it's awesome but I am not going to shame people for having kids like I'm not going to like I feel like a lot of moms well that's just me being a pussy I like Chelsea Handler for just like not giving a fuck what people think and she's like I don't care if you like I can tell moms probably are like easy lady like I get it you get to smoke pot and sleep until the afternoon like you're making me feel bad about my life I don't want to make anyone feel bad but I do want to say I'm going to make a million dollars that you aren't going to make like whenever someone gets

a job like i even said this on stage the other night and this i hate to keep being like quoting my own jokes but i was excited i told chris when i got home i was like i stumbled upon something that is going to be a big big thing of my next special like the last special i had the the old souls was like the bit that traveled and this next special i think it's gonna be um how if you if you decide to not have kids before your body decides for you right like instead of waiting for my age to happen where i'm like he was taken from me I'm now making the decision myself I'm telling body I'm in charge I don't want this if it happens okay but like I don't want it I am now empowered to like realize all the fruits that will come from the fact that I'm not having a fruit of the womb

and and but it but it was interesting because I'm always scared to alienate anyone who is a parent because I already know the struggle of being a parent is so hard they're already deeply regretting it and in their souls they can't admit it to anyone or themselves there are it's so hard and i'm that was being that was me being ironic and facetious or sarcastic whatever you want to say i know you don't really regret having kids but i know that parents are struggling and i don't want to make them feel bad about it and be like jealous of me not that they would ever be because they think they made the right decision, which they did for them. But the other night it just resonated so hard with this L.A. crowd of like you could tell there's a lot of women in their 20s who don't want kids and are like, woo.

But like it just gave them. It's just such a. For me at 38, deciding I don't want kids and anya you can speak to this too like there's something about it that makes you feel like less of a woman when you have maybe made that decision internally you don't want to share it with people you feel like there's something it's like this new shout your abortion kind of thing like shout your abortion was a little like moment where women were like i did it i'm not going to be shamed about it like leaning into like making the decision not to freeze my eggs has felt very empowering to me is all i'm saying and it's i think it's gonna be exciting for my act but so this is i guess the dog

thing is maybe in a reaction to that like okay well now i have the freedom to spend my money on this thing and and you know i i just have been compelled to be like if i i picture myself in a car accident and no one coming to aid me because they're all like me they're running into action sports and i'm just like laying there they're like i need to get a tent and i'm a triage unit that i won't have anyone in because this woman will have died so i'm just like laying there i picture me like being like and being like seeing the light and being like what didn't i do on earth and it will be wrote a song that anyone heard and then the other one would be bird i didn't have a bird and i can't have a bird right now it's just i can't travel with a bird i mean they could fly along the side

the plane but i don't know if they're- They'll get sucked into the engine. Yeah, and then we'll all go down. Sully won't save us. And it would be like, there's a senior dog out. There's a dog out there right now. Right now, there's a dog suffering because I don't have a dog. There is a dog right now

that is like shivering in a cage somewhere because I'm choosing to not have a dog. And so I just, when I made that connection, I'm I'm like I need to do it I have the resources and I want a small dog that I can bring with me anyway Tic Tac was the first dog that was and I kind of because I'm such a I hate when people have designer dogs and they're like I want that looking dog and I want a dog That's hypoallergenic And like There's no such thing That's like a made up thing For white people

To like find the dog That they want And be like I have See I'm like different Than everyone I have like a specific allergy So like I need

This special thing It's so a white person I'm a white person And I'm just like you But it's you trying To be original Because you have no culture Because you're white

White people have no culture So they need to get tattoos and they need to have allergies to like feel special. So I hate when people choose their dogs. It's not that I hate you, but I hate that decision that you made that you're like, I want this looking dog. And guess what? It's because I want a certain looking dog too. Do you think I want a dog that looks like Tic Tac?

No, it's not my ideal dog. I would like a little dog that looks like tic tac no it's not my ideal dog i would like a little dog that looks like my friend nick's dog she has a dog named bondi because she's from australia but her dog's name is bondi and it's like this little skinny dog it looks like a little deer and it's a tiny little deer and it's clean looking and it looks like a little golden retriever if you shrunk it down and it's a rescue but she just got lucky right when i got luigi i didn't like the look of that that wasn't the dog the ideal dog i'm admitting it we all have a dog that we want in mind of like what dog looks like me and looks cutest in my arm i have that too but i don't get to do that you don't get this is the type of thing that i'm like i don't get to be a chooser and there were two dogs, there were two dogs at this rescue that I was like,

at Mayday Rescue that I was looking at on Instagram. And I go, oh, these are cute. One was named Maureen and one was named Darlene that I was going to change to Darling. And they were so cute. And they were like one and a half years old. And they're like adorable. And they were like the looks of the dogs that I would want.

And then I was like, what about these? And she was like, what about T-tac and tic-tac is so cute first of all i i'm sorry tic-tac that i ever said that you weren't the kind of dog i would want because marion was not the type of dog i want to want luigi and they are my perfect dog now i love them so much little cartoons and this dog tic-tac it does not like me it doesn't like anyone it's like luigi like it was so disgusted by like it was it just wanted to be with its foster lady she brought him over and she's only had him for 48 hours he's got out of the shelter less than 72 hours ago she had him

for 48 hours and he's just following her around he just wants to be with her so i know that this dog will love me like okay i'm not even worried about that because chris was like because the dog didn't want to be around me or like let me touch it he was worried that i was going to be like i don't want this dog but i go no i've been through this with luigi he bit me the first day he wouldn't even look at me he was shivering in a corner like this dog isn't abused like i i don't think it's been like beaten severely but the cutest thing that happened was there's like all these dogs in this house because they have the natalie and her partner have like a bunch of dogs but then it it didn't care about the dogs it was just kind of like this little seven pound chihuahua it's so cute named tic tac and his penis will not stay in his body

so his penis is out and it's like dry it looks like a human penis um bobbit larina bobbit no no um a lot of people with chihuahuas have this problem their dick doesn't go back in and it's very painful for the dog sugar water sugar water water yeah is that a type of dog that will suck its dick yeah sugar water and he goes around and sucks all their dick no like you youtube did and this guy's like listen i didn't want to figure this out but i fucking figured this out with my dog i am not gay but check and it does help the dick get less swollen and it goes back in the sheets but you have to do it all the time diaper well he's getting spayed or neutered this week and they said that would help with it but it also can wear like a

little like there's like these little diaper things for his whole life yeah because he's either he's either been on the street or someone brought him in and people don't have money to get their dogs neutered like they just get a dog or the dog gets born in a litter and they just don't do anything for free service it you know it is through the um i know it should be i mean bob barker was not wrong like that is our that's the number one thing that needs to happen is spaying and neutering uh animals like and there are people that just take in stray cats and then they just neuter them and then like put them back out because i want to start saying that i um i'm spayed because i want i want to start saying that i got spayed because it's no one's closest

women are because you spay a woman dog right you can get your tubes tied i know but no one's close as women are because you spay a woman dog right you can't get your tubes tied i know but no one calls that being spayed i know i think i said it to chris last night and he's like or you can like it's about like david spade because he doesn't want kids but i'm like oh he has a kid that doesn't really work but um anyway so tic tac was like so like stiff around me just kind of like oh i was holding it and it's just legs were outstretched. Like it's penises out. And it just like, doesn't want to be around me.

But then this cat came by, like they have a cat and Tic Tac was like, liked this cat so much. It was just like wanting to play with the cat. And they theorize that maybe it came from a home where it had a cat. And so he likes cats. He's interested in cats. He kind of has a cat demeanor. He kind of looks a cat he's so cute and i left this dog did not look this

is the closest it got to me we'll put up a picture on oh yeah i'd love to see a picture so this is wondering why in these photos you kind of look like you're looking off into the distance and now i realize this is tic tac's body language to me he doesn't want to be near me at all fucking tic tac he's so but i love this dog so oh this is the closest tic tac was just kind of like he's a cutie he's cute he's a cutie but i like chris we left and chris is like you're not gonna get tic tac because there was no bonding between us and he like but what he doesn't know is that i love all animals i love even cockroaches that you love a challenge yeah and i do like a challenge no that about darling no this is the thing darlin and maureen they are young they are cute and natalie told me there's already like four or five applications for them and tic-tac because he's

probably eight and his penis is hanging out no one wants him and that is the dog that i want stick to your plan of getting an older dog no one wants yeah yeah that's the one i want um that's the man i want no um and i don't know if i'd change his name but i'll tell you he wasn't named after his penis because that thing is big okay like he but he's a little ticky tacky. And I came home last night. Are you going to put him on TikTok? Sorry. Oh, that's good.

Tick, tack, tick, tack. Um, and then we went to dinner with my Australian friend, Nick, and she was,

she was like, what's his, what's the dog's name? Tactic? Tactic. They don't have those in Australia? No, I guess not.

Uh, it was so funny that a dog's name would be tactic. Like it's like a dick. Yeah, no kidding. But I just. What does Bondi mean? Bondi. I think that's like a coast of Australia.

The Bondi coast. I think that's it. But yeah, I think next week it's. I think Monday or Tuesday it's getting neutered. And then I could like have him after he recovers from that. So I might have him By like next Thursday And I'm gonna do like I guess a trial

Because you can always go like This isn't working for me But I plan on not doing that You know like I'll There's no way this dog Won't like me after A couple hours Like it's good

Yeah And it's like All he wants to do Is just be in a A little pupusa And just like hang out I could even bring him on stage And he could just like Be on like Hanging from my back In a little pupusa and just like hang out i could even bring him on stage and he could just like

be on like hanging from my back in a little pupusa while i perform they say that chihuahuas are the smartest dogs really know that and the way they that that they determine it is by the brain to body size ratio so the chihuahuas like their brains are so much yeah it's like their whole body um yeah his brain is hanging out too it's like coming out of his ear um but bigger. Yeah, it's like their whole body. Yeah, his brain is hanging out too. It's like coming out of his ear. But it's just so sad that these dogs just get, that their owners can't afford them anymore. And they just, I've heard of so many people saying like,

my dad said the dog died and it's like, it didn't die. Just like they just took it to a shelter because they're like, we don't want to walk this thing anymore. It's just, it's, so Tic Tac might be in my life by next week. We should let besties know for the ones who have been curious about Marion and Luigi. Oh yeah.

So they, I can't get them back because my parents love them too much. So my parents took over for Marion early on. I was like, if you want her, you can have her. And because they, because I was living in New York, they got, I just wasn't, it wasn't like they had a bad life andrew walked them twice a day so you know how that goes but no and andrew i had a dog walker i had um daycare i was i was walking

them four times a day like they had a great it was just exhausting and they were in a tiny apartment i would go out and do sets at night. I would feel guilty. They would go to daycare, and I would watch on the monitor. I would do it. I would pull it up at Sirius. I would pull up the camera of the doggy daycare. All the dogs are playing, but my two dogs are longing,

looking out the window, waiting for me to come back for hours, and then I would call them, and I'd go, will you take them off the window and play with them, and then they would, and they would go right back to the window, and so it was just so sad of those doggies in the window so i was like mom dad can

you come get them and so they came and got them and i tell the story in my act and i say there were a lot of tears when i handed them over um because my mom didn't want them so she was crying and uh i pushed them through the door and i know but I was very sad when I gave I surrounded them but it was the idea was when my life is easier I'll take them back so Luigi went to go with my sister eventually because my parents couldn't handle two and he had Wilson to play with over there and they loved him and then my parents had Marion and Marion and my dad bonded hugely bond bond-eyed, and they, he just, they love Marion so much, and then when I went back to St. Louis, I got Luigi back, he was living with me at my parents, and then he came to live with me at my apartment when I moved in with Andrew, everything was great, and then I went on F-Boy Island, and so he went back to my parents' house, and he just likes it there,

and then I would take him back, he would i could tell he missed it he gets to go to the river he has a big yard he and he has marion you know like they're not best friends but when he wants to play he can get his energy out start wrestling and man he's always looking at me like being like when are we gonna there was just so much guilt associated with him and i'm a little worried about tic-tac but i think tic-tac is more senior so he just wants to sleep all day and just like hang out with me and luigi's a big dog so putting him in a pupusa it would like break my back i would do it because he loved like being like oh matt's luigi's happier for you to get a dog because this means that we get to walk him on tour like he's gonna come on tour right i'm like i think so he doesn't even want tic-tac doesn't want to walk tic-tac wants to just sit chill and like matt will love tic-tac he's so soft

he's like a little fuzzy like oh he's just so cute um but it's exciting but i just feel like if i got to choose any dog it wouldn't be tic-tac but i'm letting life choose this one for me like i'm because chris was like we can keep looking and natalie even was like can i well there's other dogs we can look yeah i mean no that you got to put in an application sounds like they come to la to get a view yeah but tic-tac no one wants and so i love that like i just want a dog i want the dog that isn't going to find a home unless i do it like that's the purpose for me to get a dog is that I'm trying to get a dog that no one else wants that would otherwise. And you never know, time can pass

and maybe in a couple of years you can get a dog that you. I can get Mentos. Yeah. I can get the Freshmaker. I can get Listerine Pocket Pack Strips. That's gonna be my snake. Trident. Yeah, Trident is a good name for a dog. That's cute. T oh my god i will call

him tactic but he's funny you can just tell when he relaxes he'll be very like marion-esque like he's just gonna be like and just like a funny looking dog like my dog needs to be funny i feel like i don't want a perfect looking dog the other day I was like running in the park or along the you know in Santa Monica along the ocean and there was like this meetup of like we have golden retrievers it was just a bunch of people with their goldens which I was just like so cute I they are so cute but it was just something about it that I was just like, oh, we only socialize with other goldens. Like thinking that like anyone who just like loves people that just love this type of dog.

It's so weird to me to like a type of dog and like we only get this type of dog. And I know listeners are being like, Nikki, you don't understand. Like these type of dogs have a different personality. Honestly, I get it. I do get it. And I don't think I'm better than you

because I'm like, oh, I'll get Tic Tac. I'm just saying, I get it. I do get it. And I don't think I'm better than you because I'm like, oh, I'll get tic-tac. I'm just saying, I think the universe is telling me that you don't get to choose this. It's almost like adoption. Like, I mean, it is adoption, but I always have felt that I would have no problem adopting a child. Like I don't need my baby to be a golden retriever, like white bread look like me with like golden locks like i just need it to be whatever is the one in next in line for me for the universe because it's the same as like when you have a kid you don't know what's gonna pop out of you it is whatever the universe gives you anyway yeah yeah the world needs more people like you i don't think a lot of people are that way

well i'm a real huge cunt in so many other ways so rest assured that I might be better than you in this way people who have purebred dogs but I am such a cunt in so many ways that you are not so don't think that I'm getting a superiority complex over anyone I don't think I'm an angel this is just one part of my life where I'm pretty perfect when it comes to like

I will say I'm a little bit of a mother Teresa but I am jealous I wish I'm jealous of girls. I wish for harm to happen to them sometimes. Like I'm, I'm jealous. Like my jealousy knows no bounds. It's really a sickness.

I, yeah, I am jealous of the younger dogs. Like darling, you're like, look at her skin. She's honestly look at her mange. No,

I mean like I just told you i would drive around a car accident there are many people that would run into it and be like how can i help so like i'm not i don't think i'm better than anyone except in this case i am better than you um i was saying that jokingly please don't get mad at me please stop don't stop listening to the show because of this um okay so we wanted to do um what's it called oh yeah what I almost said we know nothing but again please let's not do that again no I we can't electricity we solved it I think I think we're pretty good we invented it um we want to do uh why do I care why do I care so this is the celeb news, and we figure out if we care or not. Yeah, I don't think we will,

but maybe, yes, who knows? Yeah. All right, rumor has it that Tom Brady is reportedly considering pursuing a career in stand-up comedy, and his inner circle absolutely hates the idea of having to hear his jokes. Okay, so this is just rumor has it that's the

source on this well it's from like radar online okay well they're always yeah right up there with the fucking washington post um yeah they broke the catholic priest scandal radar online and babe.net um so yeah i saw this like i just saw the headline of like career change. This doesn't shock me that he might have said something. I'm sure this isn't true because Tom Brady gets kind of, there was this thing the other day. Remember when Tom Brady had like these sexy photos the other day, he was sitting on the edge of a bed

and it looked like a selfie in the mirror. Like he took a mirror selfie. He's on the edge of the bed. He looks like he's in his underwear. He's in his box boxers and it looked like such a thirst trap and it was so like i sent it to chris being like what is going on with this guy this is so cringe and chris was like no way this is real i'm like babe it's real i'm a savvy news consumer daily mail convinced me even though i know the daily mail is fox news in fucking sheep's clothing they they convinced me that he put out this thirst trap that desperate tom brady they probably even wrote that in the title it was a bit it was a funny bit that he was he got dared to do to rip

off some models pose so he he was doing a funny thing to raise like money for a charity or maybe see he is getting into more comedy exactly so this might be true but i'm just saying like i wouldn't trust i doubt he wants to be a stand-up comedian even though everyone kind of does and like stand-up comedians we all want to be athletes and rock stars so it's like it makes sense but why can't he be and you know what he would probably be better than all of us. Tom Brady, who I believe entered into the combine with, as like a kind of schlubby, like not that impressive, um,

young guy that was like ranked very low compared to what he is now ranked as like one of the all time greats. Right. He was schlubby. He was schlubby. Look at his, look at his first picture okay like tom brady 2010 combine yeah i think that's what they call it when they like go to um train

combine photo here he is a columbine look at him typo sorry okay look at him he looks like my biglia not no offense to my biglia but i don't think of him as like an all-star quarterback serial killer oh my gosh yeah he's he is schlubby he's a little chubby i mean he's not and he definitely you know giselle taught him a thing or two about his looks but he wasn't his stats weren't that impressive from what i understand i could be talking out of the line here but from what i remember andrew telling me and like chris telling me tom brady was not that impressive but what he did was he read that book, The Art of Impossible. Maybe he didn't, but that book that I was talking about,

he figured out a way to optimize his training and he is the hardest working person and he fucking became the best. He wasn't born the best. He wasn't, like Chappelle I always talk about as a comedian that was just born with it. You know? I would say that Spade was kind of born with it. There are certain comedians that I'm like, Rachel Feinstein just born with it you know yeah i would say that spade was kind of born with

it there are certain comedians that i'm like rachel feinstein born with it i mean and that's not taking anything away from their hard work they definitely do that too and it's a mixture but so if you are not born with it you believe that if you work hard enough like anyone could be funny anyone could be a stand-up comedian if they if they if they want it bad enough that's the thing i always tell young comedians is like if it's hard for you if you talk about it being hard in the beginning it's not for you because if you like it enough and you are into it enough the hard work is like fun the pain is fun like I writing songs for me is fucking hell because I'm too self-aware I think I suck I didn't know I sucked at comedy, but I did suck in the beginning.

I really, I had promised, but I was not, I was bombing. I look at old jokes, old clips, and it's like my stage presence was awful. Like I got good because of the practice that never felt like practice because I liked it. So Tom Brady might like comedy enough

that he, given how old he is, whenever someone starts late in something, they work that much harder because they've been around the world long enough, they know how to work. And especially since he's already achieved the greatest level of something in one field, he is much more inclined, I believe,

to be able to achieve. So if Tom Brady does comedy, we should all fucking watch out because that guy can do anything. And those of you who know what tom brady like no football because we certainly don't you heard that episode you know that tom brady is insanely impressive he is he's just he knows how to optimize his he's gonna hear this and he's gonna like start calling you for advice please he doesn't need anything from me i should

call him for comedy advice like he has something what if they asked you on a date i would tell chris it's been fun you have to help me pick out an outfit you want to come with you for me chris would be so excited for me no i would not want to date tom brady i i i have i think that chris is hotter than than Tom Brady like I'm so lucky that I'm with someone who height wise yes we are lacking but like face wise no one has a better face than my boyfriend to me what if you were dating Tom Brady you're already dating him and he's like babe I want to go into stand-up honestly what would your response be i'm not kidding you i'd be like that's awesome

you are going to be so good because really michael chase started stand-up comedy at 29 okay that is very late i didn't know that within three years he was on tv less than so this is the this is what happens if you start something later in life you might feel like even for me with music like there there is a disadvantage everyone your age who is doing the same thing is probably going to be much better than you because they've been doing it longer right but what you have the advantage of is like when you start something and this is what I saw with Michael Che this is what I saw with Tim Convey who's Chris's brother who started comedy in his 30s. You hang out with people who are your own age whenever you start something. You might hang out with beginners, but most likely you gravitate towards your own age, your peers in your age group. They're going

to be so much better than you. So you're going to be holding yourself to a higher standard. You're going to be learning from people who are better than you. When you start at the bottom of something and you're taking beginners classes, you're with beginners. You're going to lunch with beginners. You're hanging out after class with beginners. You're talking about, there's a slower,

you're not getting the wisdom of the elders. So if you're worried about starting something later, like I get to hang out with Anya and Matt who are professional musicians who have been doing it longer than I've been doing comedy. So I am going to excel at music so much faster than if I took, you know, if I went to like school of rock with a bunch of seven year olds who are at the same level as me because they've

been doing it for two years since they were five. I'm going to learn more because I'm surrounded by people who are my own age, who definitely always make me feel like, oh God, what am I doing? There are leagues above me. But compare yourself talent wise to people that have been doing it as long as you but surround yourself with people who are the same age as you so that and that are better than you i think always even though it's hard he'll be judged by his comedy peers considering his good looks everyone's so fucking excited everyone would be so happy everyone wants to suck tom brady's dick everyone including tic tac tic tac's like i don't even care about my own he's gonna put sugar water on it people

well then why didn't john mayer get you know because he did he arms. He did. He totally did. Oh, he's best friends with Chappelle. Like he's, I know, but his comedy career was very short lived. He, he went up at the cellar a couple of times and then he almost got canceled. Because he probably, he probably flew too close to the sun and he probably is so used to being so

great that it was probably frustrating to see the learning curve. And so, and he probably is smart and learned that you have to do this every single night to get good. Comedy isn't something that you can practice at home in front of your stuffed animals. You have to perform it live. And that's actually really hard for people

who are already famous to do something like that. For me, I can practice guitar alone. I can play, I can sing songs and I can get better slowly alone. Stand-up comedy, performing, you can't get better alone you can't the only way to get better is in front of crowds so it is harder for people who have a name jeremy pivens of the world like the um trying to think of other actors who have like started doing comedy and you roll your eyes but it's like they there's nowhere else that they can go get good they're good i don't begrudge them taking

shows that where they're on lineups with people who've been doing it for 20 years. Like, where else are they supposed to go? And so I don't know. I always encourage people to get into stand up comedy late. I don't give a fuck. And I know for a fact that if Tom Brady wanted to do comedy, everyone would fucking lose their shit to be around him all the time. I mean, he he's the coolest guy ever. People love Tom Brady, except Giselle. I mean, she's the only one that would be like i don't get did you

see that clip of her dancing oh no no no what was she doing she had zero body fat and zero dance skills and uh zero percent dance skills which would you choose no no she actually did a little she was cool she was doing like a salsa and there was like this gross guy that came up next to her. She just looked free and fun. She looks awesome. I've always loved Giselle. She's ageless.

She's beautiful. She's so cool. Wish her a lot of luck and boy, would it be fun. He's not going to be good at stand-up comedy and I don't think

he'll stick with it because Tom Brady's used to be being good at something but he could get good faster than all of us if he wanted to, final answer. Okay, we'll be back with more after this.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you

can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts okay we're back final thought um tic tac tom brady um i don't know what i'm gonna do with the rest of my day i have a couple sets tonight this weekend going to charleston we're doing a southern run charleston durham greensboro i don't know in that order but i've never been to the south back to a couple of these places when i was researching vegan restaurants i was like we've eaten here and we've eaten here and that's how you know where we've been instead of the theaters this is this is how my fucked up memory works i can't remember anyone i went to high school with or things i did but i remember what i ate at my

random acquaintances wedding like a girl that managed me for a year i remember because you ate too much i just she just had all these pies at her wedding and i thought that was so cool and i did overeat i was gonna say i always remember the times i overate i don't remember the times that i was like i just had a normal amount um yeah so wait we've been to charleston and durham Yeah. So wait, we've been to Charleston and Durham and Greensboro. I think we've been to Greensboro. Yeah. Really? I think we've been to Greensboro.

People would be shocked to find out that I can't remember this stuff, but I have a really bad memory for like for spaces as well. Like I just, we fly into a town. I need to go take a nap immediately. I love napping before a show because it just cleaves the day. Like I don't want to be performing with the same energy that I was on a Southwest flight.

Like I want that to be the day before. And if I get a good nap and it's like reset and now's the night. Like I don't like to go straight through. Like Anya sometimes we will land and Anya and Matt will go right to the venue. And I'm like,

oh, I've never felt more bad for any humans in my life than when you and matt can't take a nap between the show or like even relax at all or go to the hotel room well a lot of time anya's checking into the hotel after the show at like 12 at night after the whole day of go go go we've been to greenville south carolina that's where it was that we've been i've been there but i don't think you've been yeah i just looked it up june 23rd of last year no i was there oh you're right burt kreischer yeah you i don't know how we've been we have eaten at two of these places you will remember the menu greensboro north

carolina okay well we're looking forward to it um people i was jackfruit tacos do you remember jackfruit tacos well i have those all the time i love jackfruit jackfruit oh it's not over the episode's not not over don't don't don't go away um no jackfruit is so good and so unfulfilled like it doesn't fill you up at all so you have to eat all of it like i have to eat yeah i i put man i'm gonna get jackfruit tacos tonight chris and i are gonna go to this restaurant that has them and they're so fucking good um what happened last night oh okay so last night i was at um we went to go see tic-tac and then we went to dinner with our friend nick and we went to beauty in essex which is a great place in la To have Dinner

I am obsessed David Spade Was the one that Originally introduced me To this place Any restaurant That I know about Is because Spade

Has We've had dinner there Because I don't know Ever where to go I just pick Thai restaurants That are like Dirty Sunset Thai

Yeah They have like a C- In the window That's like always What I go to I don't know But they have good Summer rolls

I just trust other people Yeah Well they're more like autumn by the time i get there but um but yeah any kind of thing that i have taste of it's always like because someone else who i think has better taste brought me there first yep like i was at staying at the sunset marquee which i don't stay at anymore so you know don't try to stalk me there but i remember when I first got some money and was like visiting LA I used to just go on like hotel tonight and just get like a decent place like I wasn't like living in squalor whatever but when I first got to the point of like oh I

like I'm getting dropped off at this place like I need to like look like I'm and I want to feel I could spend a little bit more money I was like I don't know where to stay because I don't want to stay in a place that's a thousand dollars a night but i just trusted where amy had stayed before because amy was my first rich famous friend so i was like i'll just go to the sunset marquee because that's where you go and i actually ran into her i was leaving there not too long ago and i saw her outside she was picking up another friend of ours bridget and i was like amy and she was like hey and i was like i'm staying here because of you. It was like a moment. But anything I've ever done has been like, even like clothing wise, I'm like, where did you get those jeans?

Yeah, but that is a sign that you do have good taste because you're like clocking something cool that you like. So it means you must have good taste. It starts from somewhere. But I guess I'm not someone that, yeah, no, I just, but sometimes I will, it's almost like when people hire stylists or, you know, interior designers, they just go like, you know better than me. Just do what, do what you want.

But I do have my own. I know what I like when they, I see it. But last night we go to Beauty in Essex, which is really cool because you walk in and they have like, it's like a little gift shop kind of thing at the front you walk through and we were running late because we were like looking at tic-tac's penis and like time flew by and so we get there and my friend nick is waiting there and she's arranged it so that like our reservation they they made an accommodation i put my full name in just hoping someone be like oh nikki gl Glaser's coming. Let's give her an extra appetizer or something, you know?

Like, I don't know. Because sometimes that happens. And it did. So they were like totally fine with us being a half hour late. I was mortified. I was so apologetic. I hate being that late.

Like five minutes late, I'm chronically five to 12 minutes late. But like over 12, you should feel embarrassed. So we're walking by this jewelry box this jewel and i kind of just see this necklace that has like a bunch of stars on it and i was like chris i was like i i go chris by the way if you ever want to buy me jewelry that necklace i love it and i don't know how much it is i don't know anything about it but it looked like it wasn't like that expensive i'm like i'm not

going to point out something like a swivorsky fucking golden swan or something and so he we go to the table and then he gets up to go back like i think he's taking a shit but he then he comes back to the table and i'm like oh someone got caught taking a shit because you were gone so long like there's no mock there's no hiding that babe like i know you didn't have a phone call it was just kind of cute we nick and i both were like, we thought you were taking a poo. Even though Chris would be mortified that I even associated him with that because he does not like potty humor.

And then this guy came over and was like, here you are, sir. And had a jewelry box and then like the check for him to sign. And he bought me the necklace on the spot and I'm wearing it right now. Oh my God, let me see. Do you see?

Closer. Oh, that's so cute. It's so cool. Oh my oh my god i love it i love it so much and um and it was so it was there was no part of me that thought he was gonna buy it and it was like and i became such a basic bitch i went from being kind of like in a bad mood like he's kind of on his phone on the way here and like we're not i don't know he's not asking me about my day enough in the way that i want him to and he doesn't even know i have this really interesting story but it's like he's not gonna get at it because he's not even asking me he's just he's asking vague questions like he's like do you have any good stories from today and i'm like i want more specific like i

want to you know ask me about the time of day yeah the story from yeah like i don't know what i wanted from him but i was just like in a little crab and And then I got a necklace and I was like, babe. And just like hanging all over him. And like, he was almost like, I was like, let me see that tic-tac. Like, I was just like trying to get his tic-tac. I was just so excited. I was so horned up from this dumb necklace. It was just, yeah.

I'm sorry, Chris. It is not a tic-tac. It is. No, I can't Oh my god You fucking ate that I just love you Sitting at the table I was like the dog is there

Yeah Cause it's the size of the dog A seven pound dog That's what I mean That's why his dick I call it tic-tac No but I was just so horny All of a sudden

Because I got this like gift And I was like Oh no I think one of my love languages is gifts. I always prided myself on like I'm not one of these basic whores who likes purses and like gifts like gifts are just like that's so lame. But like even though I was literally like I want that and he just got it. There wasn't a lot of like it's still like it made me so happy. He got me flowers the other day that I just like leaned up over there.

I don't even like flowers, but I told him, I was like, I love the, I love the thought of flowers. It's the thought that counts. Or like the thought of you. Yes.

Because that's what a gift is. Someone like see something, they think of you. Yes. And even if you point it out, it's like, you know what? If I just make this little effort and come back and get it out it's like you know what if i just make this

little effort and come back and get it for her she'll be happier yeah like it was just a very loving thing and it was like it was just sweet because he knows he also knows that i've made a lot of sacrifices to be here with him during this time he is always ordering me like groceries i come home and there's like 18 zevia's like 12 packs on the, and I'm like, I can't consume all this while we're here. He's just trying to make it so easy. And then he said the most lovely thing at dinner.

Oh my God. So he goes, we were talking about, we were helping our friend talk about like relationship stuff. And then he said about, cause I was telling my friend, you know, Chris has learned that I can be crazy sometimes and I can be like if he if I don't get a text back from him right away I don't I don't go to

he's cheating on me which a lot of women go to or he I go to he found something because it's happened before in a relationship where he's like heard something I said on a podcast or like it's, there's been times where he finds out something I don't hear. He gets a little quiet cause he's processing it. And then eventually when we talk, it becomes like, I get confronted with like, you did this thing and then I get broken up with like, that's what happens when there's like a silence. So every time that there's a delay in him writing to me, I start going back 10 years now. I mean, he doesn't do writing to me, I start going back 10 years now. I mean, he doesn't do this shit anymore,

but I go back 10 years where you found something you're going to break up with me. And then I start texting him. Like, I need to hear back from me right now. If you don't get back to me, I'm going to assume then I'm going to just, I'm downloading Bumble right now.

Like I just assume our relationship is over. I go to like catastrophizing right away. And so I don't know if I said that word, right. But he, um, so I was telling her that cause she was talking about something and I go, like catastrophizing right away. And so I don't know if I said that word right, but he, so I was telling her that, that cause she was talking about something and I go, you know,

Chris has learned that I, I think that sometimes in relationships we get, we get triggered by things and we feel really bad that we do. We are like, I'm so like, I'm sorry. I'm like this. And like,

it's like,'m flawed i'm such a bad person because i get jealous or i get insecure about this one thing or i get triggered by this little thing that most women wouldn't get triggered by and we feel like there's something wrong with us but the thing is we all have these ticks we all have these little things that we have to learn about each other and accommodate to like chris now he knows that i panic when i don't hear from him so he instead most girls he would probably go like he's in a meeting so he could just see me text and most girls if he was dating them they wouldn't freak out they'd just be he would get back to them when the meeting was over but for me he just has to he'll write

like in a meeting or something like he'll give me something or like if he's a little bit annoyed with me i've talked about this before we've worked out a way like like if i notice that i say something like let's give an example that has not happened but let's say i'm having we're having lunch with friends and i reveal something that he told me in privacy and now i'm announcing it to the group like it was like for public consumption and he is feeling like you just revealed a secret but for me i'm doing the thing that i talked about before i'm like i wouldn't care if everyone knew that about me right but he he's like any or he looks at me in a way of like why would you say that like we've all had those moments i've had him with him he's had him with me i go to after this dinner he's gonna break up with me it's over

because i've i've harmed him in some way and there's no going back. He won't forgive me. There's no forgiveness. I'm a bad person. He hates me. He's disgusted by me. He's leaving me. That is where I go.

And so now I've told him, when you're upset with me, which you're allowed to be, I have to be okay with that. Put your hand on my knee. Like just give me some sort of touch and then you can take it away. But I just need some sort of touch.

And that is just code for, yes're you're sensing that there is up i'm a little bit mad at you but i'm not gonna leave you it's not we're not over it's it's kind of like in a a wedding ring of sorts i think that's what people say they get married for is because you once you get married you know that every fight will have to be resolved and you have that security i don't have that security. I don't even think I would feel it if I had a wedding ring because that's like a concept.

It's not enough. I need him to like just touch my leg and he knows that that's our code word for I'm not going to break up with you. And I need that. And that's stupid.

It's not stupid, but it's not. It's a thing that, it's my mind playing tricks on me. It's not something that's real. I'm scared of monsters under my bed, but he is looking under the bed to make me feel okay, even though there's no monsters.

What did he say at dinner? So at dinner, what was I getting at? The sweet thing that he said to you at dinner. So then he goes, he was like, I was talking about this to her. I was like, I have all these weird things and these are the little ways we've come up with coping with my weird anxieties and he goes and i was think he said nikki the other day apologized to me because he got home and i was just on my

period i was crying i felt disgusting nothing fit i was having to wear jeans it was like the night of the show you saw me on i was i was nearly canceling the show i was so depressed i was like running a fever of depression and like i was crying and I was just like nothing fits and this house is a mess and I didn't even clean anything and then I get in the car and I'm like I'm sorry I didn't wash the bedding I haven't swept I haven't done the recycling like there's trash I haven't done anything domestic since we've been living together in this place and he was like I don't care it doesn't matter to me and then he said at dinner he was like the other night Nikki apologized for not like washing the towels or washing the bedding or taking the trash out and he was like I could find a woman that does all those things there's many women that would

love to do that stuff that's just ingrained in them that that's what they do and they take care of the house in that way but I would be sacrificing so many laughs and so many like weird moments of just like giggles and like pretty much laughs he was like i'm trading in like domestic bliss for just a weird lady who makes me laugh a lot that i know that other women can't bring for him because i'm fucking weird and we the way i make him laugh is with some weird shit that you guys haven't even seen and so that just hearing him tell someone else that made me feel so good of like and it made even though i was a little bit like i didn't even know he thought about like how women would fold his towels and like how that might be a nice thing that someone

would would do the laundry like i know that about myself but like i didn't know that he had noticed it so it was like kind of confirming this thing i am embarrassed about but then he but then when he was like cool that didn't bug you no because i kind of know who i am i am gross like i just i don't he said he values that more he yes because yes he values it more and he knows what he's signing up for this isn't like news to him that I am not going to wash the dishcloths and that I'm going to like leave dishes in the sink. I'm not always like this. I, this,

I've just been kind of depressed and like running around and not getting enough sleep lately. So when there's time to clean, I'm just always going to sleep. Um, but it was just nice that he acknowledged the, the laughs that we have are like the reason he's with me because sometimes I forget. Sometimes I'm like, Oh, you know, we have are like the reason he's with me. Because sometimes I forget.

Sometimes I'm like, oh, you know, we have a good physical relationship. You know, we both like the same TV shows. I'm like, is this enough? And then I goes,

oh, he thinks I'm funny. Which I know that he does, duh. But it was just, it was nice to hear him say it to a friend as if I wasn't there. Right. It was nice.

There's a rare quality in a guy too. And it didn't, it didn't hurt that I was wearing my new star necklace that he just bought me. And it was a rare quality in a guy too and it didn't it didn't hurt that i was wearing my new star necklace that he just bought me and i was like i'm a pretty lady i just see you like holding it i was so excited and i felt like bad being so excited about this gift but i really was like babe i loved that gift so much i was just like i was just staring at it all night because it's beautifully constructed. It's just cool looking. And he bought me a pearl necklace years ago. Good for you for saying what you wanted too. Yeah.

Of that like necklace? Yeah, just like saying it. It makes shopping easy for men. When you just go, I like this. Because men want to please us. Yeah, they want the manual. But some girls will want them to predict or read their mind of what they want.

Yes, I think so often. And that's a flaw of ours. I got to say, I've never been,'s a flaw of ours. I gotta say, I've never been, when I tell Chris, like, I need you to touch me more and he starts,

I'm not like, you're only doing it because I asked. I'm like, oh, you're doing it because I asked. That's cool.

Good for you. So I think as women, if you ask for something and they do it, don't punish them for doing the thing you asked. Give them credit for that because I'll tell you,

a lot of men don't do the thing you ask and that is uh that is a thing in and of itself to even care enough to do this thing they don't really want to do but only because you're asking it's like the jennifer aniston thing in the breakup no i want you to want to do the dishes he's like why would i want to do the dishes he's like i'll do them but i don't want to just like i want you to want to help and it's like that's just not gonna happen just take what you can get um and i got a necklace so i'm pretty happy have you guys gotten any good gifts yet like lately that are like little moments with your partner of sweetness i can't remember

i'm breaking up no i see moments of sweetness with matt all the time how about the fact that he calls you darling all the time? It is honestly the most romantic thing I've ever heard in my life. He's like, darling, you're driving me crazy, darling. No, it's not. Darling, no, it's not. He just calls you darling. He just wants that dog on Instagram from Mayday Rescue.

He's calling you Darlene. It's his ex. Darlene. Yeah. He's dreaming about that bitch. No no i'm always jealous of his darlings and his um and the fact that i see you guys get into little tiffs when it comes to driving that chris and i would just like our car would flip over if if we thank you the same kind of tension better and you guys get right through it you're both like he's you're like you seem to be panicking about where i'm going i know where i'm going and he's just like nope you're right you do whereas like if i said that kind of thing it would be like it would just

literally i should just like hurl the the van off a bridge that would be a better later we had a conversation about it we're not that great later it was brought up it's not funny to do that again people it always you can like just as a couple you can behave yourselves in front of other people yeah or you can like say things that you wouldn't normally well i thought i was like oh that was easy nope did you call your darling during the conversation darling never do that again i shall smack you i was walking up the stairs and he he couldn't see me but he was like matt was behind me like a couple flights below but he could hear someone was ahead of him and he goes is that my babe and i go yes but i go yes

and i like did a because of your tea yes it is I'm right up here. He was so embarrassed. You could tell because he was like, is that my babe? It was such a sweet thing. I wanted to be his babe so bad, but I was not his babe. I was like, I'm sorry. It's not. She's not here. I was not his babe.

But it's so cute that he just up the stairs was like, is that my babe? It was Romeo. It was like, Juliet, Juliet. With his voice echoing in the staircase. No, I was like, it's Darlene. It's not Darlene. All right, guys, we got to go. Thank you for listening to the pod.

This has been the shows this week. See you in the South this weekend. Very excited. Come to those shows and, you know, go to the merch booth and say you're a bestie and we'll bump you up to a meet and greet if you want. Love you guys so much. Thank you for listening to the show. Noah, thanks for being in town. It's been so fun to have you here.

And Anya, I'll see you on friday and besties i'll see you this weekend and uh definitely see you next week on the show bye guys don't be cut and just buy me an egg john stewart is back in the host chair at the daily show which means he's also back in our ears on the daily show ears edition podcast join late late night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.