The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #324 Working Through It

Episode Date: March 9, 2023

Nikki and Anya talk about some inhospitable experiences they had at a hotel stay recently and how one led to a showdown with Nikki's tour manager. Nikki attended the season 3 premiere of Ted Lasso and is torn about not putting enough detail into her look after being bombarded by the paparazzi. She isn't sure how to justify spending top dollar for a look that will "wash off in the shower." In the end, they realize that it is a deep seated issue that can only be worked out in therapy.  Yay for therapy!----- Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Get Pod Merch: Podshop.NikkiGlaser.com Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Anya's Patreon: patreon.com/anyamarina   More Nikki: IG More Anya: IG More producer Noa: IG  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Nikki. Hello, welcome to the show. It's Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here I am.

It's Wednesday in LA. I'm joined by Noah and Anya what's up girlies how are you international women's day I hate this day can I just say I think it's just posturing it's like I just Matt's post was nice but I don't want to be included in any other Women's Day posts Are there men's days? It just feels like we have to give them one Because they're lesser It's a Russian holiday It's a big deal in Russia

It's a Russian holiday I knew that, Gleb told me that Back in the Dance with the Stars days It's not even optional He gave his ex-wife flowers He had to fill a room with flowers back in the Dance with the Stars days. It's like, it's not, it's not even optional. He like was giving, he gave his like ex-wife flowers. He had to buy her, it's like fill a room with flowers

because it's like, he's the mother, she's the mother of their child. Like there's no, or maybe it wasn't that. He was just talking about something like, he's like, oh,

he had to like fly home early. Maybe it was his wife at the time, but he like had to fly home early to observe it in order to like, make sure his marriage would be okay his russian marriage because it's like a day you cannot it's valentine's day times a thousand well i think it's cool because it has to do with uh women gaining the right to vote in russia in 1917 so we don't know it's not just like if we knew that i guess yeah that. It's not just like a frivolous thing. Okay, so if we knew that, I guess, yeah, that's really,

what year did they gain the right to vote? 1917. Wait, what? We were 1920. They were 1917. Wow, they were ahead of us. Sorry to make a joke that Russia was behind us. Yeah.

1917. Do you know this because you're Russian, or do you know it from looking it up? I just looked it up today because I was wishing my mom and all my Russian relatives happy International Women's Day. Do you know that it's,

that you can't skip it as a Russian? Only in the last few years, my mom has suddenly become very attached to Russian holidays. I think as she gets older, she's like, like the other day, she's like,

happy, I'm sorry to any Russians listening, but she was like, happy Molsnytsia or something. I'm like, what? And then I look it up. I'm like, this is like a religious that you're not even religious. What are you talking about? And she's like, well, like, I wasn't allowed to celebrate. I'm like, you're just watching Putin on TV and like getting really nationalist. Right. In your eighties. I,

I, if you're Russian, happy international women's day. If you're American, you're using it as an excuse to like post women. You want to bang or whatever. Not like Matt. I know what Matt did.

Matt did it because Matt does not want to have, Matt does not want to celebrate his own birthday. And so he's got to deflect. He doesn't want, it's too much love for him. So he's got to give it back out. I know what Matt's doing. I appreciate what Matt's doing. I've so, like, that was so sweet.

I like almost thought about crying about his post. I like, oh, it was almost like, should I let this in? No, can't. Got a podcast to do. Got to wake up. But it was so, so nice. was almost like should i let this in no can't got a podcast to do gotta wake up um but i gotta say i love how much you both know each other so well on tour i'm often like wow like matt really gets nikki in a way sometimes like he knows things about you that i don't and you know things about

him that i don't not that you have confided them in each other you could just intuitively get each other in a cool way that i'm always like i love that we're both like depressed um really anxious feely um uh yeah emotional moody i don't know that like he understands your darkness and like certain things about like your relationship with your family that i sometimes am like, oh, yeah, I forgot about that. He's like, yeah, don't forget XYZ about her. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right.

And you'll be the same about him. But do you think I'm right about he can't take all the attention on him? Yeah. He's really embraced his holiday. He would have picked it. I mean, if it was like National Waffle Day, he would have been posting about well also his just deflect like the last few videos he's done of all starred women and i do like my friend no he's a total feminist and like yeah he loves women he loves women for sure he's he's he has a woman's soul no offense like yeah yeah and i like that i say no offense i'm

such a feminist i'm like well that would be offensive but to men sometimes it could be offensive i i i'm saying it as a compliment like he's uh has depth but he also is very masculine and there are some times that i'm like there is a definite cleave in between the way i would respond to this and the way he does or like you know he doesn't want to hear about the cheshire murders like that is like that's very feminine to me of like it's too sensitive for my woman ears like like he he like can't handle hearing about violence which is a good trait like we shouldn't be hearing about violence all the time it's that's a good trait but that is so sweet and yet feminine he he he told me a story the other day yeah he has a lot of rage inside him again i think it's deflection of like i can't hear about this because i'm thinking about it all the

time okay yeah one day he came home and he was like oh sorry wait we have to say what happened i told i kind of um easter egged it fashion yesterday with um i was talking about we had a lot of experience at marriott's we were at this marriott in charleston south carolina we'll never be back so just be on the lookout for the marriott in charleston south carolina there we check in that day and i just get a vibe about the guy at the front desk i walk walk in and I can't put my finger on it, but I was greeted in a way that was like, he thought I thought I was better than him or something. And so he kept projecting all of this,

like, I'll be done in a second. Oh, this torture will be over soon of him telling me the times for the breakfast or like where the pool is, the amenities. But he didn't tell me any of that. He was just, running my car and stuff and he goes and i did not i remember as soon as i sensed it because before he said anything i sensed that he thought i hated him or something and so i was being overly like wake up because i had just woken up from the car ride i was kind of like just walked in like a zombie. I wasn't being rude. I didn't just like checking in.

This is my name. Like I was, I know that I wasn't unpleasant. Maybe I wasn't completely engaging. My thought is he knew who I was and he assumed, or he, I don't know what it was, why he hated me so much off the gate, but I felt this like massive resentment towards myself. And I remember scurrying

away so quickly and just taking my key and being like i didn't even ask him where the the elevators are usually it's kind of confusing when you check into hotels i found that it's never intuitive where the elevators are they have to be like it's around this pole and then you take a left and then you go another right and they say it so fast like because it's like it's so easy for them so i just figured it out on my own because i just this guy in this bow tie was so unpleasant and made so many little snide comments under his breath that were were said to like make me feel like sorry this is taking so long but it wasn't it was almost like you're being rude ma'am and i'm gonna acknowledge that you're so rude and so impatient with me even though i wasn't being i know what i'm asking like oh you know could you ask anything

you just you were not saying anything she walked in and she was wearing sunglasses you were a little bit like you looked a little bit like somebody maybe famous but you had sunglasses on and you were coming in like a little like, like some of that. I was holding a pillow that had like a spray tan all over it. Like I'm like, I had sunglasses on. I had like my sleep mask and my pillow and I had big, big sunglasses. Maybe that looks like I think I'm special or important or.

I felt like they were looking down on all of us. Like, because we were maybe disheveled or I, I don't know. Like it felt very much like we were being judged. Cause it was, it was like a place. There was like a white convention going on where they were whispering the N

word in seersucker suits for sure. Like you just looked at on this so many comments and there was just a bunch of old rich white men who definitely were going to drop some fucking N bombs later that night in the comfort of one another you could just tell that was the type of people these people were just like kind of alcoholic rich think they're better than everyone else and you're at a fucking marriott so maybe upgrade a little bit like it's not that nice um we're we're staying there because we have three rooms that we're getting otherwise i would be staying somewhere nicer this isn't even that nice of a place mr bow tie at the front desk who thinks

you're better than us but the bow tie guy wasn't one of these guests he was an employee so that like i'm trying to differentiate another thing of this bow tie motherfucker thought he was better than us because he worked there i'm like you work at a marriott no no offense to anyone that's a proud job but like don't act like you're like the governor or that you're like, you are a judge. Like he acted like he was a judge. Like, you know, judges have that like pompous southern judge. Like judging who he's letting in.

Yes. So then the night before I had been at a Marriott and or maybe, you know, last weekend or something and I couldn't find the hair dryer in the hotel room which is another kind of like scavenger hunt every time you go to a hotel room it's like where they're putting the hair dryer if you're a man you don't know this struggle but it's sometimes in a drawer in the bathroom it's sometimes hanging in the bathroom sometimes hanging behind the door sometimes in the closet in a drawer like so I looked in every

place that it usually is couldn't find it so i called down to the front desk and i literally say and the front desk is not the front desk which is what i come to find out it's some dispatch center that has all the information about the hotel and then they direct you so i said to the woman that answers who's probably in india let's be honest but she had a good fake accent um i said hi um do you know where the hair dryers are in the room that was my question not i didn't get a hair dryer because i made the mistake last time i was like they forgot to put one in and they're like it's in the drawer in the closet i'm like okay like i was just i was like oh shit i didn't check that i'm sorry thank you

so i made i made that mistake before this time i phrased it do you know where the hair dryers are located in the room and she goes oh they didn't put one in there okay she was like she goes they did it they they didn't put one in there either like she almost just got a call about like there's not one in there so to me i was like it should be it's probably in an obvious place if i didn't see it she's not gonna think like ma'am you didn't check blah blah blah so i go um she goes we'll send one right up and i said i actually have to leave in literally three minutes i was just gonna take it with me to this thing i'm going to and bring it back can i pick it up at the front desk i'm headed down there now because i was on the 10th floor the elevators took really long time i was like this is easier she was like uh

i don't know if it'll i'll figure out how to do that for and then that's when i knew she's not on the ground floor she is somewhere else like this is gonna be hard for her to communicate but she was gonna attempt it so i go downstairs minutes later and i see fucking bowtie across this kind of really big lobby. Nice lobby. Big like marble lobby. So he's like far away. He's probably like 30 feet away and I can see it. And if you work anywhere, I've worked in so many places.

If a customer comes within your periphery, you know about it. Especially someone who's worked at a place this long, like this motherfucker I'm guessing has because he's climbed the ranks he he's aware of his space i he ignored me like he was working the delta desk like you can only be that ignoring of a customer if you work in the airlines because i've seen it happen you can be right in front of them and they won't look at you they'll act like they're they have to finish typing their thing and i respect it that is just they their jobs are such fucking hell and they're treated so mistreated all the time that i kind of just know they'll they'll get to me when they can

even though it does annoy me this time this guy is alone in a lobby it's five it's six o'clock there's no one checking in there he might have work to do i'm not disregarding that there might he's casually typing i walk all the way across i know he can sense me to do i'm not disregarding that there might he's casually typing i walk all the way across i know he can sense me at least i'm guessing he sends me right away as i reach the road like into the rotunda like 30 feet away if not more and then i am walking towards him he purposely doesn't look up and i'm used to staying at hotels they are so hospitable they're always like what do you need ma'am like if they're not busy they look up this guy was just typing to be typing i could just tell and he just i knew he saw me it's so ironic i'm getting a call from my front desk of my building right now they're like we

hear you talking about front desk people on your podcast if you want to do that please know that you must respect all of us it is is front desk, international front desk worker day. This is not the day to be doing this. Hold on. Can I just get this really quick? Yes. Hello. Oh, really?

Oh, great. No, no, no, you're fine. Thank you so much. You know what?

I am not in town, but I'll have my assistant come get it. Oh, okay. Totally fine. I've got it down here. All right. Thanks.

Happy International Women's Day. I'm just kidding. I was just joking about that so it's on the podcast okay bye nick thank you bye okay good old nick um all right so speaking of a great guy nick at my at my building what uh what a mensch i think i'm spoiled because my building is so hospitable You know They're so nice And I've never lived In a building

With like door guys And stuff like that So I'm just What was he calling about Enchanted by all of it Huh Oh I have it a package Okay

Which I'm confused Because I usually get Like a text alert Like they deliver packages And they live in the package room So I don't know Maybe it's flowers Or something

It could be that International Women's Day Gleb Oh my god He did it You did it Gleb. Oh my God. He did it. You did it, Gleb. Spasiba. Spasiba.

Uges. Uges. So I go down and it takes me until I'm like in front of him and I go, excuse me. And then he looks up, right? He knows I'm there. And I am like already like I hate this guy I was I remember walking into the rotunda area and I do like that word so I'm gonna say as much as possible and I remember kind of going oh god it's this guy

because I really just like he I couldn't put my finger on but he just made me feel terrible when I checked in so I go um I'm supposed to pick up, uh, a hair dryer down here. And I know there's no hair dryer, because if, if he had just gotten one, knowing someone's going to pick it up,

he would be like, looking for me already. Yeah. Yes. So, I already know what's happening. And he goes, it's behind your door.

And I go, okay. I go, oh, in the, yeah. Oh, I didn't check there. And and he goes it's behind your door

and i go okay well i guess i'll go back upstairs and get it but i was gonna have someone never mind and then i he's just staring at me and under my breath as i turn away i go asshole and he did not hear it i wish i wish i was the type of person that could say that kind of shit and have people hear it maybe he did I'm saying there's maybe a two percent chance he heard 20 chance I'll give it that he heard it um but I just kind of go asshole but it was like music's playing he it was far enough away I would have loved the story to be like he heard me say asshole but it's not he didn't so I just go I guess i'll go back up and get it And then I start walking and i'm pissed like there is an attitude in my like go back up and get it like because

He's just so rude to me And then as i'm walking I go matt i'm texting matt who's there to pick me up and I go he's matt's pulled up in front of the valet and i'd say Hey, i'm gonna be a couple minutes. I have to go up and get my hair dryer the guy at the front desk is so what did I say I want to just say exactly what I said because it's so funny what happens hold on he was mean to me or something he said I'm here in a shitty silver minivan to the right out the front door um I think I texted him he said no rush I'm here to the right outside the front door I said sorry there was no hair dryer in no rush. I'm here to the right outside the front door. I said, sorry, there was no hairdryer in my room.

So I have to have them find me one. He said, it's cool. Let me know if there's anything I can do. And then I wrote, I hate the guy at the front desk. I just called him an asshole. He said, what did he do? And I said, he wouldn't look at me when I talked. And upon checking in, he said a bunch of other rude shit.

Don't worry about it. And then after I said that he said a bunch of rude shit and then i'm in the elevator going up and i'm like matt's gonna do something about this and he's right there out front like i go oh shit and so then i wrote don't worry about it i said i'm gonna give him the old stink eye like i'm just that's how i'll take care of it like please don't but there was a part of me that was like there's no way he's gonna do anything so i come back downstairs after retrieving said hair dryer and matt i see matt wait hold on wait wait wait pause because i don't think we really mentioned that matt is not only anya's fiance and a friend of nikki's he's also nikki's tour manager. And takes care of a lot of things for Nikki on tour. Besides just like the stuff at the venues.

Rolling heads. Yes. He brings me, yeah, he's a mobster. Yes. Be careful. You'll wake up with a hairdryer in your bed. He's the cleaner.

Yeah. He, I walk out and I see him and i might have heard like like i almost was that there was a tumbleweed that ran past my foot of hair yeah yeah it was just a hair dryer coming loose and then a big bulb breaking out of it i see him going oh like i just hear confrontation happening and i'm like oh no so it's bow tie and matt in a stand mexican standoff sorry to the guy out there the leaf blower i mean a human standoff

and um the guy was just doing the leaf blower is definitely mexican and i don't want to offend him even though i think they like like their standoffs it's national standoff day anyway so he they're both looking at each other and i i like you know when like there's confrontation or there's like kind of a conflict i generally like black out like i can't really retain exactly what happened but from hearing matt's side of it later on because i just go got it and he goes what's the deal man like i kind of heard just like what do you the guy was looking at him and apparently the guy was like do i have to call security and he goes for what matt's like for what looking at

you and he was like you you're looking really mean at me or something like that. But Matt came in and, and apparently while I was up in the room, he was like, why are you being an asshole to her? She has a show tonight. She's like, he played like a,

like, which is not going to work on this guy of, of like being like, she's got big shit. She's bigger than you, man. She's important person or something like that, which would not have been my angle would never have been my approach i never ever play even if i'm like famous or not famous

i would never play a card of like i have a special like when i hear white women go like but i have a dinner to get to or like carrying out of like but my son needs to be picked up from school like i need my starbucks now like or whatever it's like no one in any service industry gives a fuck about what you have going on outside that moment right then in that in that hotel like it doesn't matter what you're in town for like i understand it's like upstairs and you need something but like people who argue but i appreciate matt taking up for me but when i heard he said she has a show tonight lay off i'm like no because it sounds like i think i'm better or like don't we all need to not be talked through to like why does she have a show mean more like because he's he's your tour manager yeah this is

a creative performance and he's yeah he's concerned very often very often by the way we will get into uh town you won't be there yet and they'll say there's no early check-in and matt will say you know she we don't care about our room but she needs to take a rest and then they will be like oh nikki glenn oh yeah yeah and then they make it happen you you know? Yes. Or you can get into your room. So in that case, everyone needs a hired asshole. No, I totally agree. I don't like it when it's used in, I like it when it's used to get something like that they know is available.

I don't like when it's used to already, like we weren't gonna resolve this issue there. It was only thrown into the pot as an extra thing. Oh, have a great show. It's like, yes. It wasn't going to change anything. It wasn't going to make him go like, oh, I did like,

but I get why he did say it. And he's right. Like I think he's right in the sense that we all have things we're going to that night. Don't ever be rude to anyone. There's always things on the line that you can ruin a whole evening. Like I could be getting married that night. I could be rude to anyone there's all always things on the line you're that you can ruin a whole evening like like i could be getting married that night i could be going you know i

don't know who knows it's just don't be rude but it was matt and i got in the car we were just because then we and i just go got it to the like the hair dryer and i go thanks because i was kind of like i have to be on matt's side even though i'm very scared right now and i don't know who's side to be on and i don't want to get kicked out of our rooms but he's defending me and i loved it but at the same time i was just like we need to flee and then we got to the car but we both felt like so alive because it was like we just had had witnessed a confrontation we had just both taken part in one the guy threatened to call security on matt for looking at him weird and we drove to the place and we were both like bonnie and clive just like oh my god like are we

is our stuff gonna be like on in the driveway when we get there like they are gonna kick us out i'm like there's no way they go in our hotel room like pack up my stuff like my vibrators like out on the bed i was like there's no way they're going to do that. That would be so humiliating. Um, but this guy, bow tie and Mariana, you fucking suck, dude. And your life is miserable.

There's something going on in your life, man. Me too. When I was separately from you, another woman who I think runs or actually you're, we got to go to break and we're going to hear about it. We have to go to break. I'm so sorry.

This is taking way too long for me to tell, but we'll be right back after this and hear about Anya's rude encounter. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the

weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, besties. I hope you're enjoying the show today. I definitely enjoyed recording it, even though it was a lot of emotions to work through. So thank you for listening to today's therapy session. Real quick before we get back to the show, will you guys come see me this weekend if you live in New York State I am going to be all over the place three different cities to choose from no excuse

not to go if you were up in that area I mean I'm sure there's good excuses but if you're free I would love to see you and meet you you can always stop by the merch booth and tell them you're a bestie and that you want to get a free meet and greet and you know that I'll hook you up so I'm going to be at the State Theater in Ithaca tomorrow night on Thursday the 9th. That's tomorrow

night, Ithaca, tomorrow night. And then Friday I'm going to be in Rochester at the Kodak Theater and then I'm going to be in Buffalo on Saturday at Asbury Hall. So if any of those places are familiar to you or you live nearby them or you have a friend that lives nearby, I would love for you to tell them to come see me. um and i would love to meet you and see you and i hope you can make it tons of other dates at nikki glazer.com to check out including europe tel aviv baby that's the one i'm supposed to be pushing right now based on ticket sales if you want to go over to israel and see me or if you're already there come see me bye all right we're back um anya who was rude to you how did it happen

well my favorite part of bow tie encounter was matt said that he walked in he was like what happened did you upset her and he the guy was like she it's fine like she asked for a hairdryer it's fine and matt was like don't upset her you know blah blah and then he goes i want to talk to your manager and the guy goes i am the manager and matt goes you are not the person he goes i don't think you're the guy at the top he said that to him he's like i doubt you're the guy at the top at working 6 p.m on a friday night doubt it and he had no comeback you got it yeah and then the guy was just staring they were just staring at each other it was so tense i've never been not gonna say never but it is rare i don't

think i've ever i think as i'm almost after 2020 and ever 2019 2020 of all the karen stuff i i think there's this whole thing of like i never want to be in a situation as a white woman or any I'd never really like confrontation but I definitely think it's a bad look to ever get into anything with someone who works somewhere even though it's not like I'm you know it's sometimes they deserve it but I tend to think their lives are so shitty that i usually feel really bad whenever i do confront people that are working these jobs because this guy did not want to be working the front desk at a marion he was miserable with his life and i really like that was the takeaway was like thank god our lives aren't what he he has because there was no reason for him to be so rude he must have been going through something horrible who knows what's going on in that guy's life i honestly feel bad for him because he was such a pill um but what what was the woman was rude to you about something about the car right when we yeah right when we walked in this woman just same attitude of like what like when you

walk up to the front desk not hi how are, how are you? Just like, what? And just annoyed with everything, like credit card. Nope, not that. Nope, nope. And then what's your car?

We don't take debit cards, ma'am, or whatever, like that kind of shit. Yeah. And like, you have to register your rental car. I'm like,

register. She's like, what's the license plate? I'm like, I don't know. Why would I ever know the license plate to my goddamn rental car? And then I go, oh, it's on the key chain.chain and i go i'll get it off the keychain and then matt

walks in she goes it's very often not the number on the keychain i'm like no it's not and then she goes take whatever number it is bitch i know and then the other woman at the desk was so nice and i was like do we really need it was taking 20 minutes to get this. Normally Marriotts are so nice. The one in Charleston, I don't know what's going on. But the one woman seemed like she was a hostage there. Because I go, this woman to the right says that we might get a ticket if we just leave it here for an hour and we have to register it. Is that true? And she's like, you're fine.

Don't worry about it. I'm like, why are you whispering? Like, say it out loud. Like, are we out loud. Yeah. She's like, are we going to get a ticket or not? We cannot afford to get a ticket. So what's happening? She's like, I'm sure you'll be fine.

I'm like, I want to guarantee. Yeah. Why? Obviously, everyone there. You know, you hear about these places. My friends have worked at places like this where everyone hates everyone. And the boss at the top, the guy at the top is a dick. So it all trickles down.

Everyone's fucking miserable. Shout out to everyone working that marion i'm sorry yes i'm sure this podcast is gonna get passed around with internally and hopefully it avoids bowtie because no one even likes him he doesn't even really have any friends there so i'm sure this is gonna start with like someone the valet um they seem like they listen to podcasts and it's gonna get passed to like kitchen everyone knows bowtie you know he's a dick uh i'm sorry you have to work with him happy international women's day what he also said to matt have a great night like it was insane like really sarcastically have a great night you know what i do appreciate it a bowtie let me give bowt tie a little credit he didn't fall into the rule of a customer's always right which i do disagree with i think the customer is mostly wrong and i always do want people to stand up for themselves that workers and not fear losing their job because they have a shitty customer so if he did think we were shitty customers and he thought that he was

being disrespected i will give him a little credit for like, not just falling into this like, American like, bullshit of like, you know, you go to France, and they're like annoyed every anytime you walk into a shop or like a restaurant, like you are a burden on there. Like, I kind of like that style of like, we should be grateful they're providing the service instead of like, ma'am all the time so i'll give them a little credit but you got a chip on your shoulder and uh i hope you go to therapy or something i hope um and i hope that the you know your marriott uh benefits your health benefits cover that therapy um yeah and i hope that your your mom if she just died or something someone

just died in his life like i hope he's healing from that um you're probably a good guy deep but down you probably got bullied in high school because you you just look like someone who gets bullied a lot um that's me making a dig but um yeah i feel sad for you and sorry that we contributed to any um uh anyone who works there and like had to face his wrath because he was so triggered by our experience. I'm sorry you had to like get punished by him and he made you work overtime or like not take your break or whatever, because that's probably what happened. Speaking of spending. I feel like a lot of people don't know what being passive aggressive is. And I was in my late 20s before I realized, oh, I'm saying a lot of shit I don't mean,

thinking people are gonna read my mind. Like, I thought I was the kindest person, and then I got accused of being passive aggressive, and I was like, oh, I communicate in a really fucked up way. So this guy has never realized that saying something like, don't worry, you'll be done with this torture soon, is passive aggressive,

and he's not getting his real point across he's not in touch with his real feelings you just totally hit the nail on the head i have a friend of mine recently just learned that one of her traits is she's like i hate passive aggressive people i think i told you about this she's like I hate passive aggressive people it's my least favorite quality in people and I just read an article that said something about different forms of passive aggression and one of the things I do in life more than anything was on that list of like when when someone upsets me I just shut down and like kind of ignore them and do one word answer like that kind of stuff she was like I just learned that that's I'm so embarrassed that that's like the thing I hate the most I am doing all the time and she like had this big epiphany so I think that some people really don't realize I think I've always been aware of my passive aggression, but I, I guess sometimes I know that I'm doing it,

but I don't realize that other people pick up on it, that people, cause I usually am doing it so under the radar because, you know, I don't know. I feel like I'm kind of like smarter in that way. And most people, I'm not trying to be like,

I'm just more shrewd when it comes to like, and the only times that it comes to like and that the only times that it comes comes out i immediately get really red like if i get passive aggressive and then i can sense that the person senses it i feel flushed and i feel really embarrassed because it is such a lame way of communicating i do it all the time still like and if you don't know what it is and you're listening if you say i'm kidding a lot you're passive aggressive like if if you're constantly kidding like hey slut i'm kidding or and people aren't laughing at your jokes you're aggressive who when you said i do it a lot and i go oh i know that was passive-aggressive i just did it as you were saying it i just was fighting with matt and i go glad you can sleep

that was like my text to him i'm not glad he can sleep i'm being facetious or sarcastic whichever are you having trouble sleeping still even last night no no we we're fine but we were in a fight the other night i was like glad you can sleep and i'm like this isn't my best self yes i've said that before of like have fun like have a good yeah like have a good night stuff or like yeah no it's like i'm sure you'll have a great time i did it the other day to chris i said something like oh well i guess i'll just watch Last of Us Alone then. Because he had like something to like, that kind of stuff.

Martyrry. What the fuck? Am I a child? Like, why can't I just communicate my, why is it so hard to just be like, I'm sad that you're going to this thing and we can't watch Last of Us together. Like, isn't that gonna get me so many more things than just being a fucking cunt but you know it's funnier to be

passive-aggressive it's so because sometimes it's really you have a good line and you're like oh that was good to yourself they're not like sometimes other person yeah and you're right and it hurts the other person it's fun to, it's fun for a second and then immediately feels so, so shitty. There is a moment of triumph, though, when I have a really good line coming out of something. Okay, I want to talk about last night I went to the Ted Lasso premiere.

Yes. Which was amazing. I saw the first two episodes of the new Ted Lasso. The only thing I'm so disappointed in is that I thought that the woman who owns UFC Richmond, the older woman, I got... There's a whole side story, but okay, the older woman, Rebecca. Yeah. You would say she's an older woman, right?

Like if you were talking, you're trying to characterize that show and talk about her without knowing her name you'd be like the older woman who owns the team right like she's an older woman yeah i would say late 40s no way really i would say she looks like she's in her late 40s but she's probably in her 50s someone who looks good for her age but i could be so wrong um she's so gorgeous one of the most stunning people just watching her on the big screen i was just like her skin like her makeup everything her style she's impeccable i'm sad to learn that she's no longer fucking that guy from the the team i guess their relationship wrapped up last season i don't remember that i thought it was

still going and i'm waiting the whole time like when she gonna fuck that young guy like i was like yes let's get back into that that was a fun really because you never see older women with younger men it's always the other way around i was really just happy to have them embrace it and not make it not fetishize it because let's say like in succession there is a thing going on with an older woman and a younger guy but it's like mommy mommy and like you're a naughty little boy and it's like totally fetishized and this just seemed to be like oh they love each other but so during i watched the whole first episode and they show two episodes and then i turned to the guy next to me who is one of my uh jamie lee who's what i went with she's one of the uh producers on the show and writers she invited all her friends to like fill

this row and so i was sitting next to one of her friends this guy heath and he's a director at always sunny and i was like um i go wait a second isn a second. Isn't that older woman? I go, isn't the older woman? When are we going to see the older woman fuck one of those, that young guy again? Like, when's that happening? And he goes, the old woman at the bar? He was thinking it was that, you know,

they have the bar scenes where there's like a really, really old woman who's like, oh, Sonny's, here's your soup in a bread bowl. And like, here ale and she's kind of like saucy he thought that old woman was banging one of those young guys that like comes and he goes wait that's a plot line so it was really funny but i was so sad to see that that wasn't still going do you remember them like deciding not to be together or something yeah i think they had a very quick breakup no at the very end back i was like we've gone i was it was halfway through the second episode where i go why aren't they addressing this again but it's so good you're doing your new york times are selling

me at that time yeah yeah maybe no i was glued to the tv whenever she was banging that young guy like i was like this is i think they broke up in International Women's Day this is the type of shit we should celebrate like no I wrote Bill Lawrence a creative show I'm like thank you for like modeling that it can go the other way for once and it's not like totally

insane and like whenever there's an older woman and a young man it becomes like that's the storyline that's that she's old and he's young and it can't be whereas like if it's an older man and a young woman it's just like that's just maybe they'll make a couple jokes about it but it's like oh your wife needs to be her bedtime stories or like did you get her a happy meal but it's kind of it's not it's not like taboo whereas this was treated like it wasn't taboo it was nice anyway let's take a quick break i'll come back with more because you know i will i always have one john stewart is back in the host

chair at the daily show which means he's also back in our ears on the daily show ears edition podcast the daily show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture you get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Okay, and we're back.

So let's get back into it. Went to the premiere. Let me just say. So I know this is get ready for Unrelatable Nikki. When you go to these things and there's a red carpet and you are going to walk it, you know that you're going to get a bunch of pictures taken of you and you're going to know it's going to be like a big deal, big night. I went to the second season premiere and it was a lot smaller than this one. So I was projecting it to be a little bit like less of a thing,

but that was during COVID. I kind of forgot the circumstance. It was such a big thing. It was such a big premiere it was like hundreds of fans on the street like screaming so excited holding soccer balls like holding those like fucking scarf things that everyone wears that fans of football and um walking through Westwood like trying to get to the theater to like the red carpet entrance I look like shit because I styled myself which was a mistake i i based a whole outfit around some cynthia raleigh pants and a cynthia raleigh top but i didn't get a spray tan so i was like i need a blazer so i bought a blazer on the real real that saralina helped me pick out then i

got shoes that saralina helped me pick out but they were like velvet the pants were like a scuba material the shirt was like a uh a sparkly thing the the blazer was like gold the pants were like a scuba material the shirt was like a sparkly thing the the blazer was like gold the outfit wasn't the worst thing i the worst decision i made let me just okay if i get styled for something it's twenty five hundred dollars before tailoring okay i don't get to keep any of the things maybe i get to keep the thong, okay? That's how much it is every time. And it involves a fitting. So it involves like a two hour plus, if you add the commute, of a fitting.

And this is all great. I mean, that's why I look stunning in all the photos I've ever been on a red carpet or any show that I've ever done. Usually, if I were a writer on Ted Lasso or if I were on Ted Lasso, the studio would pay for all of this stuff. They would pay for my glam. They would pay for my, so it wouldn't matter.

And that's why, you know, celebrities always look amazing is because they're not really out of pocket for this stuff. The studio is. And there are some times where I just pay that fee because it's important enough and I just need to look great and I can't risk it on my own. Then let's add hair and makeup. So hair, $500, all right?

Flat feet, like hair, $500. All right? Flat feet. Like, that's $500. Makeup, $750 because I have to go through her agency. Oh, my God. So all in all, if I want to look my very best, I am talking over $300, I think $3,500 at least. Okay? So almost $4,000 for one look one night. And I mean, I will look the best that I can possibly look. I mean, this is like the best it could be. There really is no other

option. There's no stylist that's cheaper than this. I mean, there are, but you kind of can't take a risk with it. I don't know stylists that are cheaper than this. I've like always used the, I wouldn't even want to use them because I would feel like it would be betraying the girls that I do use. They're, I just, I don't know what to do about it. I asked friends for advice. So the styling portion, I give myself like a C on,

which is like as good as I can get on my own. Like I did, which is an A for me, right? I'm fine with the style part I can take a hit there like I didn't know what I was doing I like don't have that good of jewelry like styling covers you know they borrow jewelry from places so you're wearing thousands of dollars of jewelry and thousands of dollars of clothes so and it's all tailored to fit you they bring in a tailor and then hair and makeup there's really not another option for those either to go like half the price there's no why isn't there a place to go get your makeup done how could you tell it wasn't up to par what's

because i got the pictures and i cannot die until i get new pictures because if i die the pictures that the daily mail will run are the most recent of me on the red carpet and this is my lisa marie moment like no matter what happens to me in my if i die tragically you will look at these pictures and go we should have seen it because i look fucking horrible i'm i'm begging everyone who's listening to this if you love me you will not look for them it's almost like my nudes were leaked. I wish I could, I would like thought about, is there a way I can write, like, is there a way that someone can get these removed from,

I'm not even gonna say where you can find them. Like I want them off the internet. If your hair and makeup would have been pro and the styling would have stayed the same. Oh, I would put, there would be an Instagram post and they would have 24,000 likes by within an hour. Like it would have been a moment because it was Ted Lasso,

it's a big event. I would have like had so much more confidence on the red carpet to spend $4,000 for a night where you get a picture with a lot of likes. It makes,

it ups your status to the industry because it's all about showing people what you're at and what you're doing. So now I can't post any photos from it. I can maybe post the picture i took of like me inside the theater like looking at the screen but i'm not even in and it's going to be on my story it's not even gonna people might know that i was there but it's like a red carpet photo buys you things in this business it's like

why people go to these things they that's why people go to red carpet events and then they don't even stay for the premiere they just go to get their picture taken because this whole industry is based on optics there's nothing talent is so minor like it gets you to the place but once you're in it's all about optics it's all about i want to start photoshopping um announcements of things i get as jokes and just see and see how it elevates my career if i just go deadline articles that people post because that's all that matters is just seeing someone got this thing nikki glazer slated to to star in hbo's new drama series based on you know frogger or whatever the you know the video game frogger some like atari's war zone whatever i want to start writing these fake

things because people are so susceptible to just bullshit and it's i hate that part but this was this was a misstep like i wish i would have spent the four thousand dollars i probably would have cried about it and been like why am i even fucking doing this i'm not even on this show no one's paying for it this is overpriced but i it was a way it wasn't a waste of an evening because i got to see ted lasso premiere and it was awesome and i get to hang out with my friends and i got to go to the after party and eat delicious food and i got to see celebrities and like see the show with ted lasso fans and with the crowd and that was so exciting but in terms of a night i really did only go because it was my night

off and i i would i'm gonna watch ted lasso anyway i went to support my friend bill i went because jamie is my friend and she is um you know a writer on it and she invited me it was really nice i needed the night off i should have stayed home i went for the photo i I went to go. I was here. This was a thing I did. Look at Instagram. Look, Instagram. Like, because I've noticed that when I see people, when I come to LA and I visit,

I see people I haven't seen in a while. They always go, you're killing it. And they only know from Instagram. They don't really know anything I'm doing. They only reference things that I give them. Pictures that I post on my feed. No one really knows what anyone's doing unless you tell them what you're doing. You're like, wait till you see my Photoshopped posts.

I'll be really killing it. Nikki Glaser slated to star opposite Theo James. Nikki Glaser steps out with Kanye West. Nikki Glaser canoodling. With Last of Us actor who just kind of came out. Seems like he's back on the other side now. I flipped him, guys. I mean, is Pedro Pascal out?

We don't know. If we saw these photos from last night, which we won't see because we'll never go digging, but if we did, you're saying we would be able to tell that it is not

a professional job. Oh, it's, and I tried hard. You know what the problem was? First of all, there's nowhere to go for your makeup,

but I did go to Drybar and I want to call out Drybar. You are the McDonald's of hair. You're not good. You're the Marriott Charles. There's nowhere to go for your makeup, but I did go to dry bar and I want to call out dry bar. You are the McDonald's of hair. You are the Marriott Charleston. What? Oh yeah. I'm calling out Charleston Marriott of hair girl.

I think dry bar is acceptable. Honestly, I think if you had your hair just air dried, I think that would be better than going to dry bar because dry bar makes it look like you put in effort and fucked up. Whereas air drying your hair makes it look like, she didn't try. That's why it looks shitty.

Do you know what I mean? Dry bar. This is going to sound controversial. I look like a newscaster when I go there. Exactly. I'm sitting at dry bar. I'm getting my hair done. I can't say what I'm gonna say but I'm gonna say it I made a I had a huge epiphany I go I understand if you're working

in Hollywood at um a restaurant if you're a struggling actress trying to make it in the business you got to take jobs that are beneath you you know i understand if you're working the front desk of a marriott in charleston if your dream is to be a podcaster or to run a hilton in shanghai someday or something like you got to work your way up that's like a good position if you're working at a dry bar and you don't like manage it things aren't going well and your goal is to be a hairstylist in Hollywood, which is like if you're out here doing hair, isn't your goal to like maybe work at a high-end salon or have your own salon?

Would you think that's what the goal is? Yeah. Yeah, this is like a stepping stone. Right. But if you're not in your 20s and you're working at a dry bar, do you think maybe you're probably not that talented at your dream? Or maybe it's just a way of getting income because you can't like it's too competitive of a market in the salons. Right. Yes. Yes. I agree with that. I, yes. Okay. I'm seeing that side of it because I look at someone like, you know, Carlisle, who is a great comedian and actress and hasn't made it big in

the business yet. She can't afford to like quit her day job. She's working in restaurants still. And I'm like, I get that. I don't judge anyone in their 30s 40s 50s working in like restaurant industries but if your goal is or if you were working at dry bar to support your dream of being a comedian that makes sense to me but if your goal is to be I just maybe it is too competitive of an industry and that is why we do need people working in dry bar. Maybe they're not being paid enough, but it felt to me like, Oh, this one's on me. If I don't like my hair here,

why am I going to dry bar to get it done? Because people at dry bar are doing, they're probably not as skilled as someone who's been in the industry for 30 years. Or maybe they, or maybe they just got started in the industry. Like I'm not begrudging that someone in the hair industry is like decided late in life like i love doing hair and i'm gonna start in my 40s and that's why i'm working at dry bar i gotta like put in the hours but if you've

been working since your 20s at hair and makeup and you've landed at dry bar 20 years in i don't i which is okay we can have people at every skill but you're not gonna get the most skilled person doing your hair or else they'd be elsewhere. So don't go to dry bar expecting great stuff. Unless it's, I would, next time I go to dry bar, if I ever go, which I will not, I'm gonna go for like a 20, like I want the youngest person there

because it means that they're probably just starting out. Does this make sense? Or am I being very classist and, which I'm open to it. Am I being, because I had a really bad experience at Dry Bar. I felt like I was being manhandled. I felt like,

and then I kind of looked around and I was like, this, I shouldn't expect this to be, this is like going to McDonald's and being like, why isn't this gourmet? Even though it costs a hundred dollars. Cause I tipped. Really?

Just to get your hair blown out. 35%. I mean, I tipped well because I realized this woman's probably not being paid enough. Like these people aren't being paid enough based on the skill level here. This whole story to me is like the equivalent of when a friend is like, oh my God, I have to tell you the

most insane thing oh i can't actually i can't because i am dying to see these photos now after this there's so much you'll look at them i mean you're not gonna stay true to what i just said of course of course you're not no one that i just asked i I'm not going to Google. Yeah, right. Really? I'll confess. I won't. I looked them up, but it was before you gave the caveat of don't look these up.

Right, right. And it's not. They've grown on me. It's not that bad? The first time I saw them, I was like, by the way, I wasn't depressed.

I wasn't like crying about it. I wasn't like, I just can't. Like, what am I supposed to do? What do you guys think I should do? It's not a look for photos. Like I, I think you look beautiful.

You always do, but I know what you mean. Like there's like a certain look. Look at my hair. I look like I'm in Warren Jeff's cult. Like it's curled in a way that's, I look like, it looks like I put in effort and it didn't work out.

I would have rather gone totally makeup-less and air-dried hair because then everyone could go, she didn't try. It's like Sharon Stone wearing a Gap t-shirt at the Oscars. You're like, she looks amazing because the bar is so low. I'm fascinated. But it looks like I tried. There's effort put in. Right. I'm fascinated because I don't know how to do pro-haired makeup.

What am I supposed to do what should i spend four thousand dollars every time to look a certain way at these things i just don't know i just don't know if it's worth it it really hurt next time i think i'm just gonna turn these down because it's like i can't spend that much money on something i'm not being paid for i just can't well these are uh you know not that i know that much about like accounting or anything but these are business expenses and it's things so i don't pay taxes on it but or i like can yeah i can but you get it back in a way right you write it off so so you're not spending exactly four thousand but like a piece of it you do get back later on in the year yeah and if it and if it

prevents you feeling this way like and and just like relaxing and enjoying yourself and then having like a great story to talk about without like all this angst why not just free yourself from it because it's it's just a waste of money i think it's that that money could i would rather donate that to tic tacs you know diapers i like it's just it's and it's not a waste of money because i know that the people that the money goes to like i love all these women who work for me and who do my makeup but four thousand dollars for one look and you don't get to keep any of it and you get in the shower and everything goes away it's just a lot and i do it you know four times a year but i can't do it five or six or seven but i mean i guess i have to because those pictures could have made someone go

oh my god she's actually killing it we should consider her for this thing like it would have led to that investment in your career i was shocked when I found out famous people. And now I'm going to cry because I hate when I regret things. I hate when I fuck things up. And that's the problem now. But you know what? I would have been crying yesterday because I would have been like, this is a waste of money. And then if something would have been slightly off about it,

I would have been like, why did I spend all this money when my hair was out of place in that picture? I would have gone that way with it. Yeah, I think this is an interesting thing for therapy maybe because it's not just a question like for the lay person this is deep shit this is like julie glazer ej glazer stuff that's been put in you yes and you are in a dilemma because you are a person that's worked really, really hard. You're known, you're famous, you're a celebrity. You have an insanely packed life, an insanely busy life. Yet, you are very often in coach, depressed, sad, and trying to save money in these ways. And then it ends up costing you emotionally and physically

yeah but it's just i think that i get depressed a lot though by spending too much money too so you can't really like i'm right like we were talking about yesterday like you're stuck between like do i do i not care what people think or do i work out very hard and feel good about myself like do i let myself have the pizza or do i starve myself so i look hard and feel good about myself? Like, do I let myself have the pizza or do I starve myself so I look skinny and feel good about myself? It does relate to the pizza because if you didn't want to go to Ted Lasso and you could afford the night off,

you're famous enough, you don't have to show up on a red carpet because admit, when people are not famous enough, they actually pay publicists $8,000 a month to get them invited to these events to go on the red carpet so you're actually getting invited you didn't have to spend a bunch of money to get invited because you're famous enough you're known enough you're friends with these people but like if you're like i don't need it i'm famous enough right now you could skip it you know it's almost like the pizza thing like do i need pizza for lunch and dinner? I don't want it.

I've had it five nights in a row for dinner. I don't want to have it for lunch. You know, like you intuitively make these choices. So it's not like you're always choosing to do this stuff. If you can afford not to, don't. But if you are going to do it, then treat yourself like the star that you are. And don't let yourself fall into this thing of yeah but i'm gonna cry about having spent the money that's the thing i feel like a

therapist could help you with the the whole like nikki you did a bad thing you spent too much you wasted money well now i'm punishing myself because i didn't spend the money and i'm like i'm in trouble now i'm like I literally am like I can't die like I'm for the first time ever I'm worried about getting in a plane crash for a really long time red carpet tonight because these would be the pictures that would be used because they're the most recent they would just go to like what's the most recent photos of her that have been professionally taken and then that would be And like, also no one last night said you look pretty. Not one person was like,

you look great. Not one. And when I get gussied up for things, I usually get that a lot. Like it's an event. And so I felt gross. I felt like, but it also is maddening because men don't have to fucking do anything.

They get, they just wear, no one cares about their suit. And there's, that's also a sadness to that like men can't elevate as much as women can and like put on a show and make a big presentation well so there is chalamet and pedro pascal are spending some money on a stylist but you're right yeah but they're not doing anything with hair and makeup they don't have to have that extra $1,500. It's hard for me to spend $4,000 on a look

when I have friends who get excited if they make $50 for a set. It's hard for me to do that. I just can't justify it. I think it's wrong. I think there's too much excess. I should be able to spend $200 on an outfit and $100 on makeup and do it myself and look nice. It's, it sucks that I

can't though. And I, I, I'm pretty good at doing my own makeup. I fucked it up last night. Cause I'm staying at a cheap Airbnb that has bad lighting, no counter space. So I had to do all my makeup and put the makeup in the sink. Do you ever do that? And then you just like, cause there's no, cause sinks are made by men who never have used a counter space, I guess that don't have to put like a powder anywhere. So I'm knocking powders on the floor. They're cracking. Like I use cheap makeup that I buy from target.

I use wet and wild. Like that's another problem. I have like dirty brushes. It's like, I, there just needs to be a complete overhaul of my life, but I refuse to be one of these people who spends exuberant amounts of money on dumb shit. I think it's, I think it's wasteful. I think it's a bad example. I think it's

capitalism at its worst. And I hate that I have to give into it sometimes, I guess. Makes sense. Yeah. It's a, it is a tough, you are in a tough spot. Like I couldn't do what you do. What would you have done would you spend four thousand dollars for that look last night if you went to the last premiere i can't even imagine that because i don't you'd have to ask me what if i got you a ticket what if i go let's and we're gonna walk the red carpet i could get you on the red carpet with me what would you have it i don't have that much to spend so what would you do would you just do your own makeup and would you just probably yeah probably

but is there a place to go i guess i'm asking that is not a 750 makeup artist is there a market here for like a place to like a almost like a dry bar for makeup when i went to see you at dancing with the stars with our friend jen who like knows all about makeup she's like very very feminine girly. Yes. Um, we, she took me to Sephora to get our makeup done.

Cause we weren't just going to show up looking like gross. But did you pay for your makeup to be done at Sephora? You just like use the people there that are free. No, the, the, the people there, it's a lot of like makeup artists who just like,

I know there's some big, big people that work at those places yeah so i mean they're not being paid to do makeup though well i i definitely tipped but you know like they like oh you know like um buy this lip gloss to keep the look all night and stuff and they and they're probably bored and like doing touching people up and like you know they're but that could be an alternative so it's not you doing it but you're at the level though babe where you can't you gotta kind of stop comparing yourself to your friends because we aren't at your level like you need to talk to some celebrities who are at your level and they'll be like no you always pay for professional hair

and makeup you always go through the agency you can't be cutting corners and saving what do i do about these pictures how do i get them taken down like what do i do like do i just talk to the kardashians and how they just swallow it do you just go like what do you guys do when you see a photo of yourself that is so heinous that someone has put up and you're like this is gonna exist forever what are you gonna do what do you do i accept? I accept myself. I accept myself. I approve of myself. I approve of myself.

I approve of myself. I approve of myself. I approve of myself. I did get to that place last night. I got to there almost immediately. The outfit sounds cool. No, my outfit, I like my outfit. I would wear it again.

It was like a sheer top, so it was mostly covered up, but the sheerness of the top, I like the outfit. The hair and makeup is atrocious like it's i was zooming in on my eye i just made some i didn't do a big enough wing on the top like there's things that i know that i could course correct with my makeup i my bronzer i i need new bronzer it's too orange i dusted i contoured wrong i'm you know what i'm most embarrassed about is having people see it and go like,

oh, I feel sorry for her. She's like tried to do it herself. Like whenever I see a red carpet moment where I'm like, ugh, like I'm just worried about people judging me because I know that I'm beautiful. I know that that is not what my face usually looks like. I'm comfortable with like, that is not who I am.

I can really look stunning when done right. I'm worried about people, that is not who I am. I can really look stunning when done right. I'm worried about people, especially my friends who are makeup artists going like, this cheap bitch tried to do it herself and she failed. Like, it's just like, I tried to like, it's the same way I feel about singing and playing guitar. Like professionals going like, ew, oh my God, look at this girl trying.

I think it's cooler to try and fail a little than spend tons of money on stylists and look insane. So many celebrities spend a bunch of money on stylists. To look dumb. I mean, let's think about, no shade, I love Gwyneth sometimes, but remember the look that was immortalized forever where she forgot to wear a bra

and she was like, I thought I looked but under the flash bulbs we could all see her nipples at the oscars and everyone made fun of her forever oh yeah that's a good point it was not a great look i can think of so many examples of women looking like really rough on the red carpet because they just had bad powdering or like their makeup got done in the dark and i've had even my first um stand-up special that i did by half hour for company central they had the makeup artists working in the dark we were literally had like a little table side lamp in this dark room and i was like and so when i got on stage i looked insane so there's gonna be looks that follow me forever

but it's just like i just realized that it's this job is too much pressure sometimes of like how to look and it really does start to fuck with you because it's like so much pressure you you should have seen it last night i i and i think if i would have known what a big event it was and how much i'm known i would have treated it better because I thought I was just going to be like, kind of like pulled on the red carpet and like maybe gotten a couple pictures. Like no one, it's not my night. No one knows who I am. Like, but I was paparazzi on the way there, like getting out of my Uber. I get there and I'm not bragging. This is just what happened. I get on the red carpet and I am standing there in front of the photographers for like three minutes where they're

like Nikki over here Nikki Nikki right here Nikki Nikki like it was and I go I literally said to them I go you guys know I'm not fucking someone famous right like who do you think I am and I was like I I literally kept joking with them of like do you are you mistaking me for someone else because the girl Jamie Lee who was with was, I've never seen anything like that. And I go, how long was that? I blacked out because I don't even know. I've done events where it is my night and it doesn't go on that long.

So I think that that was a part of it too, was like, I didn't under, I was worried that I would spend $4,000 and get there and not even walk the red carpet. Like it wasn't guaranteed. So there was too many variables that were like, I'm not gonna spend this much to just sit in a theater and watch something if I'm not even guaranteed to walk the red carpet. Like it wasn't guaranteed. So there was too many variables that were like, I'm not going to spend this much to just sit in a theater and watch something if I'm not even guaranteed to walk the red carpet. I think this will help you, but I'm not sure that it will. But what Noah said

earlier is really important to get. And maybe you can talk to not only another celebrity, but also your business manager. It really is like getting $4,000 back because the amount of money you have to spend for taxes is a big number every year. But you get $4,000 taken off of that number. So it is real. It is a real savings. Somebody back me up on this if you know what you're talking about,

but I'm almost sure of what I'm saying. But literally everything I do is a tax write-off because I can talk about in my act anything I do. And then it's like, okay, it's a tax write-off. This is what I'm saying. But literally everything I do is a tax write-off because I can talk about in my act anything I do. And then it's like, okay, it's a tax write-off. This is what I wanted to add. So I don't understand why I pay any taxes then.

I guess I don't understand money. I think you have to flip it, like your view a little bit of like a personal expenditure and then a business expenditure because you have Nikki Glaser the person and you would never go

and like buy yourself a four thousand dollar couture suit just to wear out like around St. Louis and then you have Nikki Glaser the business which is not just stand-up it's it's a it's a variety of things where it's like okay I have to go and spend four thousand on stylist and hair because this event will get me press and that will be an opportunity i'm going to meet other people and yeah that is something that you've created for yourself so i learned a lesson two types i learned a lesson that this is what i got out of it when you make a mistake like this like all i want to do right now is punish myself all day long i want to um zoom in on the

picture i want to be i want to just go like, you fucking idiot. You're so fucking stupid. Why did you do this? You, it was, do you ever do that where you make a mistake

and you're like, it was just yesterday. How could I have, how could I know so clearly what to do right now? But an hour ago or a day ago, I made the opposite decision.

Like what a fucking, that's why hindsight is 2020 like that phrase exists it's not even 2020 like i have got lasik in one eye so it's like 2040 i literally have better than 2020 now because i have i'm like a bioptic but you're right final thought okay let me give you another expense coming up gotta tell like i'm already like this morning it's already coming in. I'm going to see, after our girls trip, we're going to Palm Springs at the end of the month.

Taylor, I got invited by a bestie, I believe she's a bestie, to go to Taylor Swift in Dallas on April 2nd, I believe it's the Sunday show. And it would be the first Taylor Swift concert that I'm gonna to go to. Her tour is starting very soon. And I think I'm getting the ticket for free. Like she's giving it to me for free.

That night, I want to stay in a hotel that's like nice. What, do you think $845 is too much for one night in a hotel? No. For you, no. It's not a question to put out to everyone. It's more like, would you spend 0.005% of your annual income on a hotel room one night?

Yes. Like it's, you have to do a percentage of what you're making and you don't make with the average person. Because it's like, it's the, it's, it's my mom is in my head going,

you, Oh my God. Oh, there's what I said. You got it's it's my mom is in my head going you yes oh my god oh there's what Anja said you gotta go to therapy before this swift concert I have to make the decision today because these these hotels are booking up I know two celebrities I will put you in touch with and they have worked through this exact shit in therapy and they will help you. They will help you lean into your stardom and let go of some of the shame and guilt and like discomfort around money and fame. I think you have a lot of comfort around fame.

I gotta get new friends because I can't, I can't, I'm not kidding you. Like I, there's no way for me to have my complaints and then hear my friends be like, I can't pay my bills this month and then go, I'm not i can't pay my bills this month and then go i'm not going to give them money for that like how how am i not or like see a dog that um is going to be put down because their medical fees can't be paid for like why would i spend 845 on a fucking

dumb suite at in houston or dallas then save a dog that's what i struggle with because if i'm like that is what i will have to talk to a therapist about not like i get the amount like or Dallas, then save a dog. That's what I struggle with. Because if I'm like, that is what I will have to talk to a therapist about. Not like, I get the amount, like spending this percentage that other people spend on themselves, like based on your income. I get it.

I understand that logically. Yeah, you need the therapist to be like, why is it an either or? Why is it an either or thing with you? Because that's philosophy, man. Like that's like, that is the conundrum of like, it's the trolley problem. It's the, it's the,

there was this really interesting thought exercise that I heard on Sam Harris, where a man is wearing new shoes and he's walking by a lake and he sees a little drowning child in the lake. And should he jump in and save the child? Or, and save one life or should he sell his shoes back to like a resale shop for 500 whatever he can get for them and then send that money to africa to fight malaria and save 13 kids and let the kid drown so it's like he could save 13. Like there's no doubt about it.

That money could save 13 lives in Africa to buy mosquito nets or whatever. Or does he get his shoes wet and save one child? And you would go, well, if you're going to save 13 children or one child, you should save 13 children, right? Like anyone would argue 13 children are more valuable than one child because we're all equal. But then who could ever walk by a dying child? Isn't that an interesting thought exercise though? Or the trolley problem of like, are you going to kill one guy or four? Like if you go this, do you know that one where it's like you're on a trolley and you have to like pull a lever and you either kill one guy that's on the tracks or the thing goes off and it kills like four people and you go like either way.

But most people choose. And then there's a really interesting thought that they do research and they know that people empathize with one person more than they do groups. So that's why there's always these campaigns of like, this is Joshua. He lives in Africa and he has flies around his head, like whatever it is. And that makes you, whereas if you show a whole tribe,

if you show Joshua, the kid that you had, we're pulling your heartstrings for, but you put him with his family, you go, I don't really care. More people, we care about less.

But if Joshua, even if we add Joshua to it, when we cared about Joshua, when he was on his own but now joshua is with a group of children and we care about him less that's the human condition and it's fucked up and that is what i'm struggling with no isn't that interesting why do we why would humans think that way but based on research it shows that humans always will care about an individual more than a group it feels a little bit even if you know

they're gonna die it feels it feels manipulative to me because these are kind of like arbitrary um uh situations where we're looking of course we want to save people and and joshua and and whoever but it's like when you're in the moment and you're faced with something i think that's when it like the decision is is true to yourself as opposed to just like these arbitrary like but i could always be using this money that i spend on shoes to save children always and if you're not it's the way i feel about when people no offense have kids or go to breeders for dogs because you're doing that a kid that you could adopt is going to go homeless and you're making that and i know it's not like directly that choice but it's kind of that because if you didn't have a kid you would probably adopt and then there would be one less kid that's like

crying alone in a foster home you're you're you're taking that's how i view my life i i get it and and i totally understand that perspective but it's just like you can't take a box and just like push everything into it that makes sense to you it's two different things the adopting a dog and adopting a child and like in in my brain i can't like and for example spending money on your makeup or spending money to save a bunch of dogs. I can't see that as the same thing. I just see it as two separate things. But they can't be separate things because money can solve world issues

and money can also buy you stuff at Sephora. So it's like the same currency can do amazing things or really vapid things. And I struggle with the vapidity. Now, one could argue you spending a lot of money at Ted Lasso will get you to make more money which you can then put into an animal shelter and open a bigger shelter.

Am I gonna open that shelter? You know I'm not. Like these are the things like you can always justify like but that's gonna make me more money in the future which I'm gonna do for good. Am I gonna do for good or am I just gonna get greedier

like everyone does on Succession? I've been watching watching too much succession is probably the answer to all this and I'm going to go back to watch it don't go to dry bar again I'm sorry to anyone who works at dry bar I know that there are talented people that work there I got a bad egg don't not go to dry bar because I said so because they are the only medium between spending five hundred dollars and spending zero0 and doing it yourself there's gotta be a style did you choose I've only been there once and it was like beachy waves or newscaster or newscaster I mean I got a little bit So it was, I chose one that was almost like,

I wanted it to be simple so that I could zhuzh it. So it was just soft curls. But I look up from my, I was doing spelling bee, New York Times spelling bee. And I look up and my hair is in like these ringlets, right?

Like curly Sue, Shirley Temple ringlets. You know, that's what they do before they brush it out. And I swear to God, know that's what they do before they brush it out and i swear to god she goes do you want me to brush it out or do you want to do it yourself and leave like this and i looked at her like what do you what do you think like i just go oh no you brush it out and she was like okay and she kind of had a toad i'm gonna say she didn't have a toad and then she brushed it out and i go oh this is way too curly it was like i mean my hair

was up to my shoulder length because it was so curly and the picture i like maybe just a little bit below i mean look at it now like it just looks thin and like it's just i mean look it's it's a bad blowout so then i, can you straighten it? Because it was so curled. But anyone who knows hair, once you curl hair, it's not going to go back to straight. It's just like, it's a mess to deal with. You got to wash it.

But I looked at the, I pulled out the book that I told her. Like, that's the one I want. I go, if you see this, there's one ring and then another half. It's like two, it goes around twice. And this goes around 16 times. Like these, they're not the same. Like I didn't say that,

but I go, see, it's like only twice and she goes, well, your hair's a lot longer than hers. And I'm like, it doesn't look it right now

because I have, looks like I have a bob haircut even though my hair is literally down half my back because it is so curled. I left there, I was embarrassed to walk down the street even. I was was like i have to go home and fix this and then i didn't have time to fix it and so i just go you know it's probably not as bad as i thought and

then the red carpet photos which i know everyone will look at i don't begrudge you i would do the same thing they are i mean my biggest mistake i just want to say i know what i did my bronzer is too crazy i contoured wrong i did not my lower eyelid i didn't do enough makeup i put too much whitening on the insides of my eye i um and there and my face just looks all one color even though i did try to contour i didn't have a good i don't have any lip color on um and i tucked my hair behind my ears and then it made this little like amish curl come out i mean i had there's no mirror before you walk on a red carpet i there was nothing i could do

i was in a dark i got into an uber it was pitch dark inside because every uber here is their fucking windows tinted so you have no natural light coming in um i'm blaming everyone else but myself but i'm really it's because i didn't Spend four thousand dollars and kill those kids In Africa and that's really what's the problem Is you save the money though Yeah and what am I gonna do with it Like what open a shelter you know what I should do I should donate four thousand I should

Donate thirty something hundred dollars Today that I would have Spent to make this all right In the world oh good and I'm gonna consider Doing that I will update you ask me next Week the world oh good i'm gonna consider doing that i will update you ask me next week what i do but i'm gonna be more generous this week with money because i need if i was so such a good person and i saved that money i better put it towards something fucking good and and good for the world so i'm gonna i'm gonna look into something and i'm

gonna try to maybe help some people out today with the money that I saved to justify how shitty I looked on the red carpet. And if you look at my picture today because you betrayed my trust, if you are one of those people, you have to donate $10 to someone's GoFundMe. That is the rule we make, besties. You're allowed to go look at the picture. But if you do, $10 to a GoFundMe. Go to GoFundMe.com. Find one that suits you.

And you show me proof of purchase, and then you can look, then I will grant you access, and you will not have to feel bad like you betrayed me, Bessie, because you did betray me if you didn't donate $10 to a GoFundMe.

That's the rule. I'm sticking to it. I hope you got to the end of the podcast before you Googled it. If you already looked, you better go to GoFundMe right now. .com and look it up find a charity it's ten dollars to see those photos and a lifetime of pain for me all right

guys thank you so much for listening to the podcast this week really worked through some shit i think anya hit the nail on the head of the podcast this week where she goes i think you need to go to therapy instead of using iheartio's dime to work out your shit. Oh, I love it here too. But I hope it helps someone out there. What'd you say? I love it here too. I'm not saying you shouldn't be sharing.

You know what? Like, by the way, I am going to therapy. Like, I do go to therapy. I guess I just need more of it. But thank you guys so much for listening. And that wasn't me being like, I guess I need more of it, Anya. I was just being like, I literally guess I need more of it. That wasn't me being passive aggressive.

Happy birthday, Matt. Happy international women's day. And don't be cool. And just spend the money, bitch. So you don't look like a fucking dried up housewife season one. Bye.

John Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend John Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.