The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #326 Funeral Prep & Civil War Apples w/ Brian Frange

Episode Date: March 16, 2023

Nikki is glad to be back in STL and swiping through Pet Finder, the Tinder of pet matching. Brian Frange joins the gals and they discuss Lady Gaga helping a fallen photographer and the controversial court case she's involved in. They talk funeral planning and obituary pictures. Brian didn't watch the Murdaugh Murders documentary because he's been glued to his possum cam. They talk about sleep habits with a partner and ASMR videos before bed. Anya and Nikki made a pact to stay off IG that only lasted a couple of minutes. The topic for Top 1 Bottom 1 is fruit. Brian's rapid fire apple tidbits up the game and even the world of podcasting.  --- Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Get Pod Merch: Podshop.NikkiGlaser.com Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Anya's Patreon: patreon.com/anyamarina More Brian Frange:  brianfrange.com    More Nikki: IG More Anya: IG More Brian: IG More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hello, welcome to the show.

It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here I am. It's Nikki Glaser. I am back in St. Louis, Missouri in our studio. So happy to be back home. I don't even remember the last time I was here. I walked in the studio and there was like a setup for I think when I did the Bethany Frankel podcast. I just like left it and there was a lot to do this morning to rearrange. But I'm back and with me is Anya noah and brian fringy back again you heard him yesterday he's back

and he's very close up to he's very close up to the video camera like he's you look like you're you know zooming with us from ukraine in a bunker i mean it really is. You look like Lady Gaga at the Oscars with a weirdly close camera angle. Did you see that? Oh, wait. It was insane. Of her without makeup on? Yeah, but it was like, and now Lady Gaga. And then it closes up way closer than anyone would ever think. And then it's just like it's like this. Like her singing the whole time. Like this. Just like close up on her lips i kind of like it it was cool her lips that have so much filler in them but she's not ashamed of that

i did see the clip of her helping that man up yeah isn't that so nice of her doing a normal thing that i just last time what did she do wasn't there some like old woman on stage with her or something or some old man and she was like oh yeah okay so what did she do with Liza she just like was didn't kick her down the flight of stairs or something and so we're all just

shocked why is it I don't know which was flashcard is coming Liza Gaga's like i got you she did it in a way that um was like i am demonstrating to the rest of you celebrities that you're supposed to be nice to people like she did it in a very like look i'm not just going to walk past this man who tripped i'm going to go and help him and i'm going to do it in a way that shows everyone else the role model.

Oh. Yeah. Apparently she knew him. Like she is, he's a photographer. She's familiar with him. Like my friend messaged me and was like,

she knows him. And then did you see him like kind of pat her ass and she like didn't care for that? Did you see that aftermath of it? No. So she helps him and then he kind of like,

he's just like, she's wearing this very low back thing within like, kind of like netting around it. So her like butt is kind of out, but not. And he kind of like pats her. I think he's, he was just so confused, like embarrassed with what just happened. I think it's going to be a new thing of photographers falling so that they can get attention and get this amazing shot. Because that was a huge, that was a huge moment. People sold that footage. I mean, that was a huge that was a huge moment people sold that

footage i mean that was a big thing can i just say another thing about lady gaga there is a lawsuit against her by the woman who gave her dogs back so lady gaga said i will give five hundred thousand dollars i think it's half a million dollars for um a return of my dog safely no questions asked now we all know what that is about. Like when someone says no questions asked, it's like, if you stole my dogs, I'm not going to prosecute you. Just give me my dogs back, right?

Like this is a thing that is used with, if I ever got my dog stolen, I would do a no questions asked too. I just want my dog back. I'm not gonna get you in trouble. You have to stay true to that in order for it to work for other people. So right now she's being sued by the woman who her stepson, I guess, is the one who stole

her dogs. And she found out. And so she returned Lady Gaga's dogs. Now this woman is being charged with being an accomplice at some point, but she never got the $500,000. I'm sorry. If you say no questions asked five hundred thousand dollars you can't renege on that you can't you you have to go through with it no matter if they're the criminal

or not and i know it's not fair i know everyone's like how dare this woman sue it was part of the that's how you get your dog back is that you promised five hundred thousand dollars no questions asked and now the boy who cried wolf, no criminals are going to trust that now. So now people aren't going to get their dogs back when they say no questions asked. Thoughts? What kind of dogs? It doesn't matter.

I mean, obviously designer fucking stupid dogs. I think they're Frenchies. That have breathing issues. They're targeted dogs that are worth a lot of money on the market. It's not just Lady Gaga's dogs. It's dogs of that breed. I forgot what breed it was. French bulldog.

The ones that have breathing issues because people like the way they look or whatever. It's really a cool practice. The boy who called Frenchie. If you're going to give a reward for your dog's back, you're going to have to give caveats. This is not like the Lady Gaga situation. That that's a long poster that's too many words no one's gonna read it

and the fbi is gonna be doing that now from now on i mean how are they gonna catch criminals well everyone's so mad at um this woman how dare she asked for that she was part of it it's like yeah we know that was part of it is that's why you put no questions asked if it was just an innocent person turning in dogs you wouldn't need to put that and so now you're going back on it this isn't succession you can't go back on everything you say that you're gonna do what are you fucking logan roy stick to your word your word is gold i'm annoyed by it but every i think that i would have i think that a lot of people would disagree with me. In the Reddit threads I was reading, people were like, how dare this woman,

because she is now being charged with aiding and abetting the stealing the dogs, because she maybe had a part in it. It doesn't matter if she had a part in it. She returned the dog safely. She gets the half a million dollars. I'm sorry but you know what they say nikki you can't make a tomlet without breaking some gregs i get it i get it maybe the half a million dollars was a little bit overzealous you know that sounds like

an emotional number not a logic like i bet you they would have returned the dogs for like $50,000, and then she would have probably paid it. Yeah. Grandma, I think I've got $500,000, Grandma. I'm doing an impression of Lady Gaga in her. I'm doing an impression of Nikki doing an impression. Yeah, that's true. And what about the dog walker that got shot?

Yeah. I mean, the dog walker that got shot? Yeah. I mean, the whole situation sucks. And it was very upsetting. And it happened in Hollywood. My friend lives right around the corner from where it happened. And I'm frequently over there. And I walk my dog over there. No one wants your dog.

It's a rescue. Yeah, my dog is an 11-year-old chihuahua mix that I don't think anybody would want to steal. No, exactly. And that's why you did the right thing. you yeah my dog is 11 year old chihuahua mix that i don't think anybody would want to know exactly and that's why you did the right thing you have a dog i'm sometimes my dad left the car door open when we went to the grocery store the other day and luigi was in there and i go lock it he goes no one wants this dog and i go that's a good point i mean luigi's beautiful but what a burden to take on you're not gonna resell luigi Unless you would want Luigi, I don't know, unless you knew about Luigi and how sweet he was,

first glance, you're not going to want Luigi. Even though he's beautiful, but he's not going to be, yeah, he's not a commodity on the market. But speaking of dogs, I've been messaging the shelter nonstop about this dog Huey that I saw on Pet Finder, which is the Tinder for you getting matched with an animal. And I found this little Chihuahua. They won't write me back. I got to call them today and maybe go to the shelter.

I'm scared to go to the shelter because I don't want to see sad dogs. I don't want to see all the pit bulls that are just like sad in the corner. That's why I like rescues they go in and they see the stuff and they get the dogs out they i mean that's why i always am so um reverential of rescues because they do all they see all the stuff that i don't want to see and then they they dress up the dog and they groom it and they get you know fix it up but they see horrible things that i just i don't know if i want to go, I will want to save them all. Did you get your dog from a rescue, Brian,

or did you go to the shelter? I got it from a rescue, from The Real Bark. The Real Bark. Echo Bark. There's a store called The Real Bark, and then the rescue is called Echo Bark, I'm pretty sure. Okay. And yeah, no.

I used to volunteer at an um an animal shelter in uh on long island and um yeah and uh it was it's you know it's definitely really sad because there's some dogs that just don't get adopted for whatever reason and they're like amazing dogs and you go there and you walk them and they're like amazing and uh it just and they just sit there for for years and but they're so happy when you come walk them they walk them and they're like amazing. And they just sit there for years. But they're so happy when you come walk them. They like get to know you like you're their guy. So you would walk dogs?

Yeah, I would go into the shelter and, you know, you can volunteer to take the dogs out for walks. Like you go like three days a week and you walk them around. And I also did like training where you can be a man that they attack what did you get to wear that cool big suit you wear a cool big suit and then you go in there and you you get to dress like brendan frazier in the whale yeah it's a long process i use the same exact suit actually that they use in the whale and the dog says i didn't like that movie and then they attack you and that's pretty much the point of the whole thing you have to give a really tearful speech at the end yeah you have to look really unstable like i mean

poor brendan frazier i'm happy everything's working for him but when the fanfare like falls when the fireworks are going up there's fireworks and now the fireworks are going up, there's fireworks, and now the ashes are starting to fall. There's going to be – this is a set. Someone should check in on Brendan Fraser this week. Next week, actually. Because this week is going to be good. It's still going to be really exciting for him.

But based on my own depression and when big things happen, and then it starts to just like everyone doesn't really care anymore because inevitably no one cares anymore after you do anything in life, literally anything, especially women who are getting married. Anya, not included because you are level-minded. A princess. And Brian.

Brian's getting married in June. Anya's getting married in July. Noah's getting married TBD. But I always feel bad for women after weddings. There's going to be a fallout where no one cares about you anymore. And this whole thing that was your life planning is no longer there. And I think Brendan Fraser, wellness check for sure on that unstable guy. And I'm calling him unstable as someone who has unstable myself many times. And other people have called unstable online so i get it it's not it's not nice to do but he is not i can't watch his acceptance speech for the oscars it's just too

it's too triggering of like this guy is not well there are so many whale metaphors too if you listen he wrote that speech with some nautical metaphors no way did he really yes so it's it's hard to get swept up in the emotion of it because you're like this is not off the top of his head oh my god and yet there are tears there's vocal quivering then he thanks his children i think and i'm like i'm worried about his kids because their dad is not stable. They'll be fine. I mean, they're rich, at least that. Somebody should do a wellness check on the photographer who fell next week. He's just going to be a photographer again.

I mean, that's a really good point. It's true. I'm not the guy who fell anymore. But isn't that why people get, like, I really do, I used to have a joke about it, but people get, let's just say people who have simpler lives, and simple is not,

it sounds negative, but, you know, your wedding is like kind of the thing that you went to college to go find your husband, and then you get a husband, you get married, and then you have kids,

and then you get attention for that. And we're all seeking attention as someone i'm just saying as so i obviously seek attention i found a way to get it like fucking mainlined to my aorta is that a fucking vein um but like women you get what you do is you get in a relationship and then you go oh my god when is he gonna say i love you then he says i love you get in a relationship and then you go, oh my God, when is he going to say I love you? Then he says, I love you. Then you're like, when are you moving in together? Oh, we're moving in together. Oh, exciting.

Then you get engaged. Oh my God, we got engaged. Then you get married. Oh my God, we got married. And then you're like, and then you're like, oh, now we're pregnant. Oh my God, we got pregnant. You have a kid. Oh my God, we got pregnant again.

Another kid. Then we go, um, and then you get divorced and then you do it all over again. We need to keep getting, cause then, and I do believe that cause I get do it every time I finish something, I'm like, what's next? I can't celebrate it. I just,

it's never enough. I need to go on to the next thing. I, but I feel like you guys, Brian, your fiance, Allie, I don't know her that well,

but just hearing you guys talk about the wedding, it doesn't seem like her life is like wedding and that she's going to be okay. She kind of has an identity beyond it. Well, I have a solution for you and all those people. I know the answer. What is it? You got to start planning your funeral. Yes. Whoa, dude.

Oh, my God. I'll do a paperless post. Yeah, do a U-Hite, Find a caterer, you get a DJ And then you know when the funeral happens You're not going to have any postpartum Depression You'll be dead I'm going to go on Tyler Henry's show when I'm deceased

And I'm going to complain about how bored I am Just to get more attention I'm going to do a press tour Through Tyler Henry's scribbling Wait a second That's a really good point just to get more attention. I'm going to do a press tour. How do ghosts get booked on Tyler Henry? Wait a second. That's a really good point. Yeah, you go get a dress.

You go get a fitting. You do a fitting for your funeral dress that you're going to wear in your coffin. Yeah, I think about my death all the time. And I'm very, like I really did tell Chris because last week I had a really bad paparazzi photo. Not paparazzi, but like red carpet photo. I wish that guy would have fallen i wish every single photographer who was taking

pictures of me at ted lasso would have fallen um and it would have been blurry um but i was really worried it's still the it's still the most recent picture of me that's you know getty images which sucks because i went to this thing over the weekend where i looked gorgeous and i'm like i'm refreshing getty constantly be like can i die because they're gonna pull the most recent and i need i don't know that i plan on dying but like i'm crossing streets a little bit more cautiously i was a little bit worried on the plane plane yesterday crash wise because i i even told chris i said I'm not kidding you if I die tragically you cannot let them run the Ted Lasso photos you just can't you gotta and and I just need

because I that's I mean if you guys you know listeners if you're not famous you'll just pick out a picture right now that you put in your obituary because that's going to be the picture that they're going to use like pick it out now you can but i'm not going to have control over it if they don't use that picture they're going to use your graduation photo or the most recent photo of you which is bullshit for old people if you're an old person and you don't like the way you look right now you better tell your family and friends this is the picture i like of myself from 1977. Use this because this was just as much me as this old woman or old man is right now.

Like I used to get upset because, you know, when Barbara Bush died, I'm like, can we get one picture of her in her 20s? Was she ever in her 20s? Or did she always look like she was born in 1920? Like every single photo of her is, I've never known her to look young, but she was a young woman

opposite i think it's sad when someone dies and they're 90 and then they they only use like the 20 year old picture of them it's like they had 70 years after that you can't find a flattering one i don't like the picture of them when they're like 90 in a wheelchair and they're just like they look like that um they should be – remember on Today Show, we used to celebrate 100-year-olds' birthdays, and they would flash the picture, and it was always people who didn't know there was a picture being taken of them. It just looked like they're just staring in the corner. They're senile.

They're losing their mind. Don't use that photo. Use a pretty picture of them, but I get what you're saying, Anya. They have a full life after that just pick your picture that you want run because we're all gonna die and if you want to have a nice little photo spread in the local newspaper which no one reads because everything's digital like pick out your photo um i have a playlist for my you know funeral of like when you show the slideshow i do want you know i hope you had the

time of your life i do want that it really worked in the seinfeld finale it was also played at the funeral of my friend and it really brought down the house in terms of tears i just think it's going to be a good one i would like to use that i want to say that the seinfeld finale i want to use in my life the beatles i would like that one to be a part of it. The slideshow is going to be pretty long. It's going to be about seven songs. I'm going to run out of photos. I have She's a Jar clocked also.

Yeah, She's a Jar. That's going to happen. That might be like the procession when my dad walks me down the aisle with a casket. Oh, my God. Just EJ. Are you going to do a first dance too after that what proper body up oh my god i saw something on reddit last night where people thought there was a fire because there's this black smoke like flying in the like just huge plumes of black smoke and so this person

you know went to go find the source of it to be like what's burning down and it was a crematorium and they usually burn bodies at night so you can't see it. But this was like they were backed up or something. So you just saw the black smoke in the air. Isn't that fucking scary? I don't even think about that.

Yes, dude. But we all... You know in the In Memoriam at the Oscars, did you watch that at all? They left off a lot of people, I heard. Yeah. Anne Heche?

How do you leave off Anne Heche and Mira Sorvino's dad, and then there was one other guy? The woman who was killed in the movie that Alex Baldwin was in. Oh, my God. You had one job. Oh, Helena Hutchins? Well, she died. Was she maybe in the last one?

Because she died in September or something of 2021. Ah, okay. Well, we have a lot to talk about, including more Oscar thoughts. We're going to go to break. We're here with Brian Frangie, Anya Marina, and we'll be back right after this. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture.

You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Okay, we're back. I just last night got into the murder. Murder. Well, how do you say that name? Murdoch.

No, it's not Murdoch. I had to wait for Alec Murdoch to say his own name. And he says Alec Murdoch. It's Murdoch. Murdoch. Murdoch. Did you watch it it noah have you seen it no but i've seen like stuff you know about yeah stuff on it it's not that good sorry everyone loved it me no i was a little bit listen i watched all three episodes but by the end i was just it was fine um it was interesting but i think that

they didn't spend enough time on like i don't know why i don't know how he did it did he hire a hit man to kill his wife and son or did he do it what do we think i think he did it he did it you think i think i think he did it i think his son was recording him because he was probably fighting with his wife his son recorded him and then... Wait, why do you know that? What is that? Where does that come from? His son has a video of his father talking to his mother angrily and they won't tell us what's

in the video. But it's right before the son is killed. Yes. Oh, well, maybe I didn't finish it. Okay. It's right before... Did you see Murda? Brian? I didn't see it. No. I mean i mean this is the every time you ask me if i saw something i do watch things no i know it's okay but i did i hadn't seen it till last night in your backyard yeah this weekend was

i'm on the fifth season of possum cam now and I gotta say it's really gone downhill since the possum left. Fifth season, the possum's not moving the whole time. It's pretty stagnant. Oh my god. Well, wait for it. He wakes up. Oh yeah. Oh, there's a huge twist. The finale. But anyway, I watched Murdos last night

when I got home. I just got a new couch and it is so awesome. I was like, I've never wanted to sleep on my couch. I'm not someone who ever would sleep on a couch. I just got a new couch and it is so awesome. I was like, I've never wanted to like sleep on my couch. I'm not someone who ever would sleep on a couch. I think it's uncomfortable. I don't get it,

but this is like a bed couch. Instead of freezing my eggs, I bought a couch. I spent $6,000 on a fucking couch. By the way, I got this couch because my friend

Sarah Lena has this couch. I went to her house, I saw her couch and I was like, I already ordered Kirsten's couch. By by the way i only get things for my house that like other people have and i trust that my friends who have good taste i just go okay i'll get that right like i don't have taste in my own so i got kirsten's couch and then i went to saralina's and i was like cancel the order this is the couch and also saralina Lane was like, girl, this couch is $3,200. I just got this.

And I'm like, this couch was $3,200? Mind you, she got the floor sample, and she got a huge discount for some reason. I think it's because she is a supermodel. It's just like, she was just like, girl, you got. And she just is a savvy consumer. So she just got a discount. She's just good. And then I order it it and it's six

thousand dollars like how did how did this happen i know i had delivery fees she like found a flat bed truck and had some guy deliver it probably for free like i had to just you know um but it is worth it it's beautiful it's too big for my living room it should be in a multi multi-million dollar home that has a lot of space so it's like a couch for like a rich person in a you know fairly modest living room really are you like tiptoeing around it like trying to get your body around it and it's just huge it's too big for the room for sure it just looks it it's it's nice though but it's so cozy um chris and i will never have to touch each other again on the couch that's nice for him old pillow fort he built up he

builds a fort of pillows between us at night brian um that's just a thing like that he does um i have to like sneak my hand through the pillows like a weird like a british garden snake like through the rocks and to like to access him and then um so yeah he'll he'll enjoy that so we got a bed couch by the snake well you know yeah me and my fiancee ali we sleep in different separate beds do you have sleep apnea or what's happening no we just don't want to be in the same bed we want to sleep. Like next to each other's same beds? Like some people put double beds together.

Like in I Love Lucy where they're just two twins. Like Lucy and Desi. No, no, no. Like sleep, like they're touching, but they're separate units so that when you move. No, we have separate beds, separate rooms. Separate rooms? We have separate rooms and we have separate couches. Wait, do you just not live together? Is

that what we're just deducing here? I live in Tennessee and she lives in Nebraska. So that's a weird way to say that it's a long distance relationship. It's a long distance relationship. I've never actually met her. You know, she saw pictures online. No, no, we have separate beds, separate rooms, and it's wonderful. How did you get to that? Did it start that way with you two? I lived with your boyfriend's brother, Tim. Yeah. And the moment that he said we decided to be roommates, I said, I laid down the ground rules.

One of the first things I ever said to Tim was, we are getting separate dishes. If your dishes are dirty in the sink, not my problem. I'm going to have clean dishes. And then we had separate dishes the whole time, and we never thought separate dishes. If your dishes are dirty in the sink, not my problem. I'm going to have clean dishes. And then we had separate dishes the whole time and we never thought about dishes. So then when we moved in together, I don't know who to say. I didn't move in with her. She didn't move in with me. We moved in together.

I said, we're doing separate beds. And she's like, really? And I was like, you don't understand. It makes everything so much better we both have different sleep schedules we sleep differently jack sleeps in the bed that my dog uh and it it works out great works out great i think he doesn't have a separate bed so he's jack sleeps i i do the separate dishes nope same dishes. What's their sleep schedule? Still can't talk. What's their sleep schedule?

Anya has temporary veneers, by the way. So if you hear her slurring, it's because she's racist. Wanting to kill herself. I generally wake up early. And if Allie's not going to work, she'll sleep in late. And yeah, like on the weekends, she likes to sleep in. And I like to wake up early and start running around the house. Okay, let me just throw some, lob some questions your way.

Or just lob some things that like, because I'm on board with this. Listen, I'm someone who doesn't like commitment. I don't even want to live with my partner yet. Like I, it just seems like too much. It's kind of scary. I probably would do the same thing i want chris to like move into my building and live near me like but i do like after we like when we go to bed and we um you know do our thing which is just do the crossword puzzle

together no like instead of sex right now i would say mostly most of our time in bed chris and I are playing Spelling Bee or Wordle or crossword puzzles. But Spelling Bee is our new thing. And I got Anya into it too, the New York Times Spelling Bee. It's like boggle, but it's really fun. Anyway, it's so hard and it's fun. But that's what we usually do.

We play Spelling Bee separately and then we share our words that we found and then we reach a genius level and then we feel accomplished. And then I sneak my hand through the snake. I go i go i'm gonna get it and then he goes don't get it and then we kind of giggle and then we go to sleep um i enjoy i enjoy in the middle of the night like if i go to the bathroom and i come back he's i guess he's not like a he's a really heavy sleeper so if he wakes up he kind of just goes like all right and he like sticks his head up and he like just like gives me his lips and i just like give him a kiss and then we go back to sleep i like those like intimate moments in the middle of the night sometimes when i can't sleep i like to like watch his back like rise and fall as he

breathes like i kind of like i like but then i also fucking hate that i can't like sprawl out and like put my leg up in a different way that i want and and that i can't like sprawl out and like put my leg up in a different way that i want and and that i can't listen to my phone with without my airpods in because it hurts your ears when you sleep on the airpod and so i would like to just have the speaker phone next to my head which is what i do when i sleep so there are benefits to both do you feel like you're lacking in any way when you can't share a bed and do you have a separate bed for hanky panky or whose bed do you go to well that was a that's a great point about the earbuds because i listen to a podcast to go to bed every night i need um i need somebody's

talking in order to fall asleep i can't i need a bedtime story basically and it has to be you know sometimes i listen to a podcast at night and it's too interesting. And then I'm up for like two hours and I'm like, what? Succession. I was choosing that over sleeping. Yeah, I need a podcast that's like I need Sam Harris podcast because it's so dense. I try to pay attention and then my brain starts getting tired because I'm

trying to figure out what the, like, he's using the word partitioned a lot. Like, I just there's words that i just am like so overwhelmed by that it's so dense that i feel like it makes me fall asleep because my brain gets tired trying to keep up with it and then stuff you should know is also a good podcast to listen to because those guys have gentle voices do you recommend any what podcasts do you listen to to fall asleep any just anyone's i have not found one that consistently makes me fall asleep. Every time I think there's

a boring podcast, all of a sudden they come out with a banger episode that keeps me up all night and I can't sleep. I'm like, wait a second. Sometimes I'll listen to like fantasy football podcasts where they're just like listing out players and that I can fall asleep to usually because it's like, okay, they're just like, this player is pretty fast and this player is slow. And then what about this player? Well, he's fast's fast tone of voices is so important like i just found this asmr video that is crushing it for me i want to just direct people to it if they need something to listen to to fall asleep to and it might creep you out because you're not into asmr but if you if you are, this is the one to do. It's, her name is Astro Glow 777. She only has like, she doesn't have that many followers.

Astro space Glow 777. Glow 777 is one. And you listen to ASMR magazine flipping soft spoken. Boom. I cannot get through it. I have listened to it when i am wide awake it i have not gotten past every time i go oh my god this is the last part i remember and then i make it maybe one more sentence and then i'm out and it's um it's worked for me now

probably like seven times there's also a ted talk about like loving yourself by this like irish woman that i can't get through that one. Oh yeah. I'm like, this isn't working for me. Um, wait, so there's some, okay.

So then you, you listen to these things and then roofies you into sleep. Oh yeah, for sure. If there's something just so soothing about it, there's something about it that just, it's like a lullaby. It's like the,

it's just being talked to. I have a theory that people who like asmr didn't get enough love from their mother as a child in terms of like they were just stressed out as a child and they didn't get like a comforting like voice that like made them feel safe or they did and it was like the thing they hung like my grandma used to like rub my back and talk like really softly and it was really like i would only get it, you know, once every two weeks when I saw her. So I was always like jonesing for it. And not that my mom is like not a loving person.

She is. But she just isn't like a soft spoken like things are OK. Like I would just hear them like singing in the next room like Fleetwood Mac. And it would just be like loud and annoying. So, OK, back to your sleeping situation um can we talk about um uh what you do for sexual relations and whose bed you choose and then how you guys like go like oh see you tomorrow like how do you like get her out of there um uh I I'll leave I'll leave after and go into my my room and uh you'll leave before it begins

yeah i'll say you know what this isn't for me and she's like yeah i'm good thanks but uh i gotta get to my podcast yeah i i oh there's something else i'm not changing the subject but i wanted to go back to uh what you were just saying which now i forgot what you were just saying so i can't even smr soft-spoken i have smr i i that it affects me like when i'm on the subway train i zone out all the time and it's interesting that you say that because i did feel like i uh you know i have a great mom but i didn't get a lot of i don't think we're not very like touchy you know there's not like a lot of hugging and stuff going on that on interesting theory and molly shannon has it and i read molly shannon molly shannon was the first celebrity i saw to come out about asmr because when i first had it it was

really shameful that i liked this thing it was almost like pornography because it's like these videos are so weird it was just this community of like weirdos and we didn't talk about it outside of it and there would be videos about how to come up to your parents as having ASMR. Like it was a weird thing. And that's more culturally accepted. But I remember Molly Shannon was the first person on Conan. She talked about having ASMR and liking listening to people like brush people's hair or something. And that's not my trigger, but sometimes it is.

And then I read her book and her mom died when she was four and she never got maternal affection and like, and consistently, like if you didn't feel safe as a child, like I was always scared of monsters and my parents, I would go like, I'm scared. And they would just be like, go back to bed.

There was, there was never any like relief from it. I don't know why I would have done in their shoes. They did the best they could and they weren't like dismissive of my feelings, but I just didn't ever feel, I was always fearful going to bed. Like I was in, you know, I was in a war zone or something like it was just constantly like shivering under the covers. But I didn't want to be too under the covers because I would get hot and then I didn't want to expose my skin because then the axe murderer could like chop off my arm. But the blanket would protect me from the axe.

So, yeah, that's interesting. I think there might be a correlation there. Someone more with a science brain should look into it um i do also want to say that what's your triggers why subway uh well i the the camera where you this thing where you're like putting your hands close to the camera lens and like it covers like the top two corners of the lens that uh that triggers me and then the drone yes the lens when they when they when they cover up the lens wait what so wait and then they do no no i think he's just talking this is separate this is like the videos you watch on it on youtube yes and they'll be like they'll just this stuff there's hand movements so that's like oh like brushing like Do you like the sounds of brushing?

Or do you like the visuals? Petting your head. The visuals for some reason. You're looking at it and it's just, you'll see some ASMR videos where they're constantly moving their hands across the camera. That's why I like it. It's so much like porn because there are

so many different ways to get off with an ASMR brain. That would never do it for me. Whispering really haunts me when people are like hi everyone welcome back and they like click their fingers or they like tap on something i'm just like stop it's like it's misophonia like it hurts my ears but then a woman just being like i really like zoe kravitz's outfit here it's like i like how it's simple and the khakis pair with the white shirt really like perfectly. And I just, I don't know. I think she's really cool. And then they turn

the page. I'm just like, I'm like, my brain is coming. That actually made me feel good. Or does it just soothe you? Or does it produce an actual like feeling? There's definitely a chemical reaction going off. It it feels when i can

trigger it brian i don't know about you but i it's like coming a lot like it honestly you have to like kind of stay away from asmr for a little bit to because you i think most people who are into asmr at this point if you've been doing it more than a year you have burnt out your asmr like the real where it floods down your like it's like a spinal tap like it floods down your spine it starts in your head kind of tingles and it's kind of like goes it's it's like a brain orgasm but i only have that when someone is talking right above my head but then it's like a physical thing and i go and it's like amazing feeling but tickly but that's the only time i get it's not that right

by my head okay that's sexual i feel like that can be almost sexual because it's like a tickle asmr never feels like like brian do you agree asmr doesn't feel like something like like a roller coaster it's post coitus yes okay you have finished, you are laying there and you're just like, I have nothing. You don't really, you don't want to talk frequently. You might fall asleep. And it is just kind of like this zoned out. Like what I wind up doing. And this is why it's bad that it happens on the subway for me.

Is what I wind up doing is I am just staring into space at nothing. And I can't break the gaze yes as soon as i break the gaze then it's over and i don't want it to be over so i'm just like zoned out staring and then sometimes there's like a guy i hope i never do it when there's like some like a woman across me but when i i check myself but when if there's like an old man with a newspaper and he's like, what the hell is this guy looking at? I'm just zoned out. That's bad. What percentage of the time does this happen to you too

when you're listening to ASMR? 100? Zero for me now. Like it's maybe I get triggered because I'll wean myself off. So I'll just listen to podcasts for a while to soothe myself to sleep. So I won't do ASMR videos. For a while I was watching the eating ASMR videos and that gives me a soothing feeling like let me just say like for me now ASMR

videos most of the time it's like having sex but not coming like it feels good and let me just say most of the time women don't need to come from sex like I'm fine not coming like I think that men get it in their head that like we need to come every time because you do because it's like what would be the point of just like – but women can have fun and feel good during sex and we do want to come. But like sometimes trust us if we're like we don't need to. It still feels good. So for me now, I think ASMR is like it's intimacy. It feels like intimacy. There are times where I've staved myself for a while and I will get hit by, I'll just go into my YouTube and like find a new kind of trigger. And all of a sudden it's like, whoa.

And it lasts probably, I don't know, like it lasts like 20 seconds for like the good, good feeling. And then it kind of just, then you're in that numb state where you're like, and then I probably fall asleep because I'm so relaxed. It's like, it's the feeling of safety, warmth. It's like all, it's the best feeling in the world next to orgasm. Like it's, it's right up there with it. And I'm so lucky that I have it. But yeah, it's, I definitely think it's due to mothers who are not that, or children who felt distressed and sought like just a comforting voice like this but i don't like when they try too hard like i it's almost like the same way i look at porn i don't like porn where the girl is like like it's so obvious that you're acting i

mean i think most people don't like that i don't know why it's such a huge part of porn then for everyone to be like like why is that a part of it no one who likes that that sounds like a baby crying um listen well i think they know what they're doing um and so i want it to be natural i want it to be like a woman flipping through a magazine the way she would if she were just like if her like her nephew was sitting like in the crook of her arm And she was just trying to like let's get ready to go to bed And like talking softly but not trying too hard I don't like when people are like tapping things too much I'm like would you just tap normally like that

No like stop putting on a performance I don't want it to be performative Much like I don't want stand up to be performative I don't like performative When things are supposed to be real If much like i don't want stand-up to be performative i don't like performative when things are supposed to be real if that makes any sense yes like i don't like i don't like broadway shows this is why i don't like broadway it is too locked into performative there's no there's for me there's just no um well broadway shows are like supposed to be the

opposite of real it's supposed to be as far away from real yeah not like it's not a broadway but like i sometimes people say like like broadway shows are cheesy and i'm like yeah that's the whole point they're supposed to be yes totally um and i think if you want to enjoy a broadway show you just have to go in knowing like it's like when you watch a reality show. It's embarrassing to watch people act sometimes. What's that one play that's like, My Four Sons or All My Sons? What's the one that all the best actors are in?

You guys know what I'm talking about. Someone knows what I'm talking about. But watching stage actors. Death of a Salesman? Yes. It's about sons. Thank you wait that's what you were thinking of with my four sons i'm not kidding you i think there are a bunch of sons in that yeah there are sons and it's like a yeah mean dad sons salesman yes and i saw brian dennehy in that and the St. Louis traveling production.

Wow. I just remember being like, this is awkward. He's just like, we know your act. It's like, I need... It's just like right here and you're like... And then they bow at the end

and they're like break character and it's just kind of embarrassing. Even though I'm dying to be in a musical at some point. And I do love musicals. Have you ever seen Lady and the Fountain? Lady and the Fountain? Lady and the Fountain?

No, what's that? Oh, I'm thinking of Phantom of the Opera. A mask man. Half mask man, face off. Oh, face off. But yeah, I just... ASMR needed to be real. Wait, so what was I going to say? We're talking about his bed habits. I just ASMR needed to be real. Wait. So

what was I going to say? Yeah. Your bed habits. Can I say something about the bed habits? Yeah, please. There's another reason why we can't sleep in the same bed is because frequently I'll wake up in the middle of the night screaming.

What? Yeah, I'll be screaming. And I've done it this week because I'm afraid. Why? Well, it's anxiety. And I think it's connected to ASMR too. I think people with high anxiety can experience the ASMR better because

they need to chill. But like this weekend, I was afraid that the man next door is going to come attack me. And so I wake up screaming. And there was one time when I was in college, I lived in a house with four other people. And one time I woke up in the middle of the night screaming because I thought I saw a demon in the top right corner. And it looked like a black

large hornet flapping its wings. That's a thing people have. You know that moment when you're about to wake up but you're still asleep and so you're semi-aware? Well, that happened to me. I saw the demon hornet in the corner

out of my bed screaming and I ran through the house screaming when did you realize you were screaming running through the house and there wasn't a hornet like there was it dawned on you at some point and then you had to like slow down your pace i heard in the distance when my roommate go shut the fuck up and woke you up out of it yeah i was like oh god was there any part of you that was like no you don't understand there's a hornet i understood immediately that there was no hornet and i was like oh oh sorry and then i went back to sleep god your mind betrays you everyone has this where you're like our mind hijacks us and convinces us of something that's just not real and

not happening. Yes. And that's my deep philosophical. Screaming is like people, Sam Harris. I like that. He always says people are scared to do psychedelics and they're like, where it's my mind going to see,

or they're scared to do. I guess it's like the, the, the fear of doing psychedelics. And he goes every single night you go to sleep and your brain enters into a world that you have no conscious control of. That you literally think you're in. You are in a hallucination every single night of your fucking life. What are you scared of?

It's sleep is no different than tripping it's just and you no one goes to i mean they're unless you're in freddy krueger movies or unless you know i think that there are people that are scared to go to sleep because they have to wake up in the morning and like get up and like i'm scared of sleeping sometimes not because of dreams i'm just scared of like i know this day the next time I open my eyes will be like work I have to do. But I'm not someone who, yeah, like you never, I never fear dreaming. If anything, I'm always looking forward to it. But to do hallucinogens, I'm terrified of that, of like what hornets are going to chase me in that thing.

Even though every time I fall asleep, I'm bound to see something like i would say once a week i have a scary dream but i'm not fearful all the time um so i just think that's interesting that we we do surrender to this thing that we literally have no idea why it happens how it happens science like has not broken it yet we enter into that and we're not totally terrified we don't judge it but hallucinate like you know lsd and people are just like you know there's so much stigma around that have you ever done hallucinogens brian no and i am one of the people that's scared of of it the only drug i've done is is weed and uh every other drug i'm really scared of and like um did that sound really uncool

done i've done doing weed is funny. Yeah. Yeah. That's that just shows how I'm not cool. Okay. And I am not cool. No one thought you were. No, you are cool. It was kind of cool.

Yeah, you're cool. The possum story is cool as fuck. You have cool stories. I don't think it's good to be cool. I don't think it's good. What? Okay. More on this when we get back.

We have to take a break. We have to hear why being cool is not cool to Brian Franti when we get back. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Okay, Brian, we're back. Why is being cool not cool? Well, I think people that are being cool are generally trying too hard to put on some kind of persona that isn't real, and it makes them

it makes them I listen to the podcast there's two there's one thing that i'm that i i need clarification on okay fine so you used to say very frequently uh noah is in arizona and i didn't listen to the episode where that was that became a thing so i want to know is noah in arizona or are you saying like there there's a city in arizona is in arizona she lives in arizona yes okay and it was just yeah it just sounds cool but it's it's just true when i heard that i looked it up and it turns out there is a city in arizona named noah stop oh it has an h at the end. But I was like, maybe

that's what they're saying. Maybe there was a thing about Noah, Arizona. Yeah, and it's like if you were saying, if your podcast producer was named Cleveland, if you're like, and Cleveland's in Ohio, it would be like the same thing. Oh, that's funny. I thought it was that joke. Well, thanks for doing that research

and making that thing any more than what it was than just a factual statement that noah actually lives in arizona brian i i mean this is pretty much because what you're talking about like anyone who's cool has put an effort to be cool therefore it makes it uncool yes and it makes them less happy because now they're trying hard to put on a persona and they're not truly being themselves. And I think the coolest thing you can do is be unapologetically yourself. Yes.

Honestly, yes. That is. But you know what's so hard is, you know, and I go back to this all the time. Chris always says to me, I've never met someone who wants to be something other than what they are more than you. Like wants to like things that they don't like and i've talked about this ad nauseum on here so i apologize but like i wish i was someone who liked to bake i wish i was someone who liked to organize i wish i was someone who liked clean linens and like to smell them and like i always picture anya like when you would

like fold things and you would just stare at your closet of folded things and you would be like like i wish i was that kind of person that liked folding things. It was your closet I was doing. Yes, okay. Well, even more so. Why did I have to pay you to do that for me? I wish I could be that person today because I have a pile of shit all over my bed

that needs to be folded. I really would love if you had an actual pile of shit that you needed to fold. But yeah, I wish i was that person um and i think that yeah when you are your coolest self you're okay that you don't like those things like i but it's so hard for me to like i just being traveling yesterday traveling makes me so depressed because you're just alone all day with your fucking thoughts and you're just on your phone constantly so you're comparing yourself to everyone and it's just so hard not to hate yourself for the things that you're not or like the you know because i

always talk about like if you have a good body it's because you got lucky with genetically or you're just a person who likes to work out or has the motivation to do so and if you don't work out it's not because you're a fat lazy piece of shit it's because you just don't have the brain that was you know that is conducive to working out every day and you can't compare yourself to kirsten florman who loves working out because she was born with a athletic parents who have that genetic disposition to like working out like it's not because you're a worse person she just got lucky lucky in that way. But it's hard not to think that, why can't I be that way? Like, why did she get that and I didn't

and go down that spiral? I mean, I was like, I was, I'm never someone who's like, I need to get off Instagram. But yesterday I was in a bad place with it of like, it's Instagram's trying to get me to kill myself. I think they're really, which is anti, is antithetical to what

they actually want which is me to live and keep spending money why are they trying to get us to be suicidal and like hate ourselves so much and the truth is is because you can't sell anything unless someone feels deficient you cannot sell a single product i don't know why i always have known that but you have to understand people no one even me selling this podcast to you i have to make you feel in some way that you need this podcast in your life that your life is not good enough without listening to me in order for you to listen to this podcast everything that is a consumer product you need to convince the person the consumer that they're not good enough in In some way, their life is lacking.

So there is not a single brand of clothing, a single, you know, face soap or face wash or lip balm or, you know, plus-sized jumper that is not trying to make, that is actually trying to make you feel good about yourself. They don't want that. Maybe the people that created it, the woman behind this jumpsuit that cinches at the waist and makes you look thinner she had a good thought in mind of like i want to make bigger women feel confident about themselves if you did actually feel confident about yourself you wouldn't need this fucking waist tightening suit so it does not actually it you might think that you want people to feel better about themselves, but you wouldn't sell this thing unless, if people did,

if people liked themselves for who they were. The only person who really wants you to like yourself is fucking Lizzo. And she's, and even she's selling Yiddy, that clothing line. And to buy that line, you have to feel deficient in some way in your life

that I don't have that cute of leggings. I don't have like, it's, I would never think that I'm someone that wants people to feel lacking in their life in order to sell what I'm selling. But I must because that's the only way to sell something. Yeah. I mean, that's rule number one of sales is I think is you have to you have to establish a need and then you have to make them aware of that need.

And then you can say, I have a solution to your problem yeah that's why those old school commercials with the vacuum cleaners is always like a the black and white picture with the person with the shitty vacuum cleaner going like oh god this is so hard and they're like is this you and it's like i guess it is me and then like check out this vacuum cleaner that's in color even like i feel like my what i like to do my product is making people feel less alone talking about my insecurities and being honest with myself so that people feel less weird about themselves but i need you to feel weird about yourself in order to need me there's no shortage of that you don't have to do anything because everyone feels weird about themselves like that's the thing about i think podcasts and like what what you're bringing to the table is that like people you're not providing the problem.

People have the problem no matter what. And you're providing some level of comfort. Yeah. Problem. But, you know, products do bring comfort, you know, massages and, you know, beds like linen, like nice things, comfy clothes. They bring comfort, but you need to create an air of discomfort in order for that person to buy it.

And I just think now when I look at products, I just go like this product line, no matter how good they are trying to make me feel like they care about me, they don't. They don't like me. They hate me. They want me to be. And by the way, if their product solved my problems, I wouldn't need it anymore.

And they need repeat customers. They need you to come back. So it's not just, it's pretty disappointing when you think about it all. And I was just on, yesterday I told Anya, I'm like, I got to get off Instagram. And so we were, we made a, we both decided no more for today. And then I asked her to look at something and then she was like, God damn it. And I was like, fuck, I got you back on. I didn't mean to. I forgot how I got, I told her, I go, I think I'm over it too. I'm good for the rest of the night. I'm not going to get on Instagram.

And then I closed my app and I reopened it. And I was like, well, I told you to look at someone's story that I don't want them to see that I saw their story. But before that even, I did it. I will not fucking make it a fake account to stalk people. I will just ask my friends to do it. I'm not ever going to create a fake account to look at someone. I feel like that is so

low. I'd rather tell my friends, hey, will you look at her story so she doesn't know that I'm monitoring what she's doing? I would rather do that. And then they screenshot it and send it to me. And then I have screenshots in my phone of this person's life. Like it's much more incriminating

than if I just created a fake account. I do this with my friend too. And I'm like, can I FaceTime you through your computer? And then you point your phone so I could look at this story. That's so lame. But that's a good idea, though. I mean, my friend the other day, I go, is he watching your stories about this person

that I was interested in? This person has blocked me on all of their things. So I know they have a secret account to look at my stuff, but I know that I can't ever communicate with them knowing that they see it, you know? And I really want this person to like, see how much I hate them. And it's not who you think it is.

If you're, if whoever is listening, um, listeners, you don't, it's not who you think it is or who you might be thinking. You literally have no idea who this person is. Brian,

I'll tell you at some point, but, um, my friend, I know that they, they follow my friend and that they But my friend, I know that they follow my friend and that my friend, they sometimes watch their stories. And so I was like, put me on your story and I'm just going to be like, kuh.

And I'm just going to do, and she's like, I have like people watching this. I go, you have to sacrifice it because it's the only way that I'm going to get my message through to this person is to be like, kuh. And so we shot, I like like had her every time i'm with her i'm like we can we please shoot some kids to throw this person's way and then she screenshots

it to be like he saw it i'm like yes he knows that i think because he knows that i know that he's watching that because she doesn't have that many followers it's like it's totally um it's such a low thing for me to do but final final thought, when people watch your Instagram stories, that's how you know they're jealous of you. They're, they like you. They hate you. Like if that is the number one litmus test, would you disagree to find out if someone's,

like if I suddenly see a famous person or a certain guy or a certain girl watching my stories i go someone's checking in on me someone's jealous someone's like it's because i know that's the only reason i watch people's stories i mean sometimes you go through stories because you're bored and you're just but if you're going through some stories that you've never gone through and you pop up under mine i know what you're doing i mean i look at your stories what does that mean because okay or you're their friend and you do it all the time like when you watch my stories i'm not like oh my god he's jealous or he's checking in on me i'm just like it's my friend brian like that

there's a caveat there that's different when anya or noah watched my stories i'm not like who she like is jealous of my skin tone today. I'm just like, and by the way, when people think, when I say I think people are jealous of me, I know that they shouldn't be. I'm saying this with like, I'm jealous of people all the time too. And I guess I'm just projecting. When I'm watching someone's stories, I don't watch a lot. It's usually because I'm like, what did they get? Oh my God, what are they doing in their life?

Why I'm comparing myself to them being like, well, how am I deficient? Okay. Sorry, I interrupted. What did they get? Oh my God, what are they doing in their life? Why I'm comparing myself to them being like, well, how am I deficient? Okay, sorry, I interrupted. What did you say? Well, when you watch a story of someone that you're not following, this definitely applies. Oh, I mean, that's, I have guys that I've met in passing or, you know, I could, they, and then suddenly they just start showing up under my Instagram story.

And it's a way to flirt it's a way to go hey I'm here when I've been single before I've done it where I've just start watching guys stories that I'm not following because I know that my blue check mark is going to send me to the top of their views and then they'll know I'm interested and then that starts the discourse in a bumble

type way that is like me making the first move but not really and girls by the way if you're on bumble do not make the first move but not really. And girls, by the way, if you're on Bumble, do not make the first move. That's not going to work for you. Maybe do an emoji but don't actually say anything like,

hey, what's your favorite movie? Like guys, you can't do that. Girls, don't make the first move. You can make an emoji. Don't you have to make

the first move? Okay. Yes, but it has to be an emoji or something. Bumble forces the girls to make the first move but just do it very subtly

like just a picture, like a like or a tap or something. Don't an actual sentence i think that's fantastic advice i i don't the question like a too hard question i think is not a good thing to do oh no guys don't want to be interviewed and yeah it's no don't do that um uh and then let's real quick because just for the sake of doing it, because we had it planned, let's do a top one, bottom one. Okay. And the category today,

because we have the author and creator of AppleRankings.com is Brian Frangie, which you've got to check out AppleRankings.com. It's so funny. And it really is a passioneded hilarious take on every kind of apple and and he does like an was it like a nine point rating system a rubric you used the word rubric last night f100 the frangie 100 it is my namesake and my legacy and i have no children and this is i say this this is all i have um so have. So it's broken down into nine categories

that are 10 points each, except for one category, taste, which is weighted twice at 20 points and it adds up to 100. And then I do give bonus points for certain factors like use, uniqueness, things like that. But yeah, it's the F100. So it's out of 100,

but it's not like a test where 65 is pass and like you're not good if you're not a 90 or above. It's like a it's like a bell curve okay well i don't know what that means exactly but um yes okay so it's but it's just do you feel like your take on these apples is like the right take or is it just your opinion like do you feel like you have a better palate than most people i don't feel like i'm superior to anybody other than that i have tried all these apples. And there's a lot of people who think they like an apple. And it's just that they haven't tried enough apples.

Got it. Now, there's a few apples that people are passionate about that they all love. And I just can't get behind it. The Honeycrisp is a top. Gala. Fiji. Yeah. So, like, there's certain apples that many people are, like, mad at me. Like, I get into legitimate arguments. My mouth is watering looking at his site. It, so there's certain apples that many people are mad at me. I get into legitimate

arguments. My mouth is watering looking at his sight. It's so weird. Well, don't you describe, what do you describe biting into a Red Delicious as? That's coffee grinds in a leather glove. Coffee grinds in a leather glove is what biting into a Red Delicious is like. That's so accurate.

Yes, it is a thick-skinned, mealy disgrace and it used to be a good apple it used to be a good apple back in the turn of the century well you get them sometimes you can get a good red delicious where you bite into it and it cracks off you don't have to go there's no like i don't even know if you have a word for that where you have to like put your teeth through it i like when you bite an apple and you can just go crack and you just crack it off. And it's like a jawbreaker almost. Oh, it's so good.

Okay. Those were the days. Let's do our top one, bottom one today. Let's do a rapid fire. It's going to be rapid fire. This has to be quick. We're doing fruit. That's the category.

Top one, bottom one. Let's start with bottom one because we always do. What is your least favorite fruit, Brian? Well, I have a new bottom one. It's not the least favorite apple I'm do. What is your least favorite fruit, Brian? Well, I have a new bottom one. It's not the least favorite apple I'm going to do, not least favorite fruit. I just found the golden russet apple, which I labeled a putrid corpse because it looks like it's a decomposing, stinking corpse. It looks like the Addams Family.

It looks like an apple that they would use right it's good for cider production but the apples that i bought at the farmer's market they stank like shit yeah okay an apple that stinks and looks like a corpse and then it doesn't taste good the golden what'd you call the golden russet golden russet it's good for cider sounds like a fucking russet a potato yeah in apple parlance russet is the brownish uh rust like skin uh i don't need to finish that sentence okay so uh okay my least favorite fruit is uh grapefruit i don't get it i know it's like a diet-y like everyone loves it it tastes bitter it's not good it doesn't make. I don't get it. I know it's like a diet-y, like everyone loves it. It tastes bitter. It's not good.

It doesn't make – I had it in a salad the other day. Anya, you witnessed me eat it. I ate around it, and then I was still hungry at the end, and I was like, okay, fine, I'll eat the grapefruit. And it was just like so gross and bitter, amino-like. Okay, Anya, what's your least favorite? Love the look of this fruit. Really disappointed by the

taste of a dragon fruit i don't know what a dragon fruit is it looks like you know cookies and cream ice cream it's just oh it has like dots in it yeah it's beautiful but it tastes like shit that was on a friend i got at the hotel on saturday and i couldn't eat it because i was just like or on sunday and i was like i don even, I don't want to try this. Okay. So it's not a good taste. Not very good. Just not satisfying.

Not sweet. Yeah. All right, Noah, my least favorite I'd have to say is the orange. Too much work. Wow. Not enough satisfaction at the end.

What about a little cutie? Yeah. You're a little cutie. Those are no work. Those come off like so easily. Those are different. A scab on its fourth week. That's like a tangerine is fine,

but I just like orange. Not into it. I don't like the flavor. I like the way you say orange. I like the way you say orange. He hates them. Noah says orange. Wait, do you say orange, Brian? Orange. Do you hear the difference Noah orange and you say water

water water water water yeah uh cute okay orange um orange so okay let's get to the best what's your favorite fruit sweet tango favorite apple he has a sweet tango apple it's uh it's a crisp crunchy apple that's only available in September and October of every year. If you get it outside of those months, then it's probably been frozen and shipped from New Zealand. It's not going to taste as good unless you live in New Zealand. Oh, my God. Rapid fire.

Good to know. Sweet Tango. Go try it out, you guys, this fall. Yeah, I'm sure you have. My favorite fruit. This is going to be controversial. Honeydew. I love it. It it is fresh it is light

it is always it sometimes it can be like if it gets like you know turns i think that's when people get turned off from the honeydew is they it can easily turn and ruin a fruit salad and just be that stinky kind of like mildewy thing but a fresh honeydew i just i like the color it's a soothing color. It feels light on sugar, so you can eat massive amounts of it, which I love anything that you can just eat a ton of and never stop. And it's really hydrating. I just think it's so fresh.

I like it better than cantaloupe. I know that's a hot take, but that is how I feel. That is a hot take. Honeydew needs to be perfectly ripe. No, I'll take it crispy i'll take it like i don't you know i just like it any i like it any way i'm i'm a um i'm a melon head as i chris used to call me because i would just eat melon all day and i'm just i took a break from uh fruit for a while because i was just like trying to avoid sugar but now i'm back in the honey honeydew why do why pizza and honeydew i'm back in baby i like i love it too much don't not combined obviously okay anya what is your favorite

fruit well even though i went through a huge mango phase as nikki knows and a mango recently took out part of my tooth bonding uh i have to go with braeburn apples they're crispy they're dependable they're delicious and i'll eat them aren't those kind of like aren't those like when you bite into it goes like no no it breaks off or is it it breaks off okay yeah what do you think can you tell us about braeburn uh braeburn is uh i call it the civil rights apple because it was back in the 50s back in the 50s single colored apples were the rule of the day you had a red apple and a green apple but you didn't have any apples that would sell that were multicolored. And the Braeburn was the first apple that was both red and green. And it took over the marketing because people were like, I don't think this is a brand new.

It was like those cotton candy grapes. People were like blown away by it. It paved the way for multicolored apples to become a part of. It's like the Winnie Harlow of apples. But they are disappearing because they are susceptible to certain diseases and they're really hard to make. And so there's a lot of Braeburn children that have Braeburn parentage that are becoming more popular than the Braeburn. And over the next 10 years, you're probably not going to see Braeburns outside of farmers markets or orchards. They're going to disappear. I mean, you look like this close-up

shot of you looks like an npr guy giving like a agricultural uh front lines uh report um okay good to know thank you so much brian for informing us about the heritage and the future of the brayburn apple and then noah what is your favorite fruit okay this is gonna be it's gonna be this is gonna be a crazy i just know your answer is gonna be insane okay my your favorite fruit? Okay, my true- This is gonna be, it's gonna be, this is gonna be crazy. I just know your answer is gonna be insane. Okay, my true favorite fruit is the apricot, but I'm gonna say-

Again, insane. What the fuck? Those are only consumed dry. Has anyone ever had a wet apricot? Yes. Ah, a wet apricot. They're not wet.

That's the problem. Is this the one that Armie Hammer fucked in age? Or is that someone's arm? That's another stone. Is this the one that Armie Hammer fucked and ate? Or is that someone's arm? That's another stone fruit. Okay, yes. Okay, stone fruit is how would you call it?

Yeah. Because it has a pit. Because they have a little core that's a stone? A pit. Okay, never heard of that. I like that the pit is like always clean. There's like never any like tentacles or anything like that. Oh, that's a good point.

A clean pit. Yeah. All right. But you said, but. But I want to hear Brian do a rapid fire about my favorite apple, which is the Granny Smith. Whoa. Yeah. Controversial.

Bitter. Granny. Very divisive apple. It's an apple that I get a lot of flack for because I rank it very low because I think it's sour. It's definitely the most sour apple. It's made for baking, right? It's a baking apple.

I give it a 57 out of 100. It's too thick skinned. It's sour. It's definitely the most sour apple. It's made for baking, right? It's a baking apple. I give it a 57 out of 100. It's too thick skinned. It's making my stomach hurt thinking about it. My mouth is watering again. It makes your gums bleed. My gums are bleeding. Yes. If you eat too many granules, your gums will bleed.

Your tooth enamel will erode. But it also has a lot of fiber, so it's good for pooping. You just sold something for me from childhood because I love Granny Smith. But one time I bit into one and there was blood in it and I thought I ate a worm. But now you're explaining to me why. But worms don't really have blood, do they? Maybe they do. I don't know.

I don't go fishing. There's actually an enzyme. That's so funny. There's an enzyme in the Granny Smith apple that makes certain people's gums bleed. Oh, wow. Wow. Yeah. All right.

Brian, can I ask you really quick? My mom is from Kazakhstan, and she claims that apples originated in Kazakhstan. And there's actually a book called that. Is it true? Do you know this? 100% true. That is where the original apple came from. Wild apples all came from Kazakhstan.

Thank you. Thank you. Wow. Oh, I just got a text that my sister's dog is being put down today. So we got to go. Everyone, R.I.P. Wilson. He's filled with tumors and he has to be put down today. I just got a text.

I'm so sorry to end on a sad note, but that is the circle of life. He ate a bad apple. Oh, sweet Willie. It's so sad. Fuck. Okay, I'm sorry to end it on that, but I have to go because I actually am going to the dermatologist to get a bunch of stuff injected in my face. So I'll look different next week.

There will be one less dog in the world, but maybe I'll add a dog to my life. I know. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bug everyone out, but it's going to be okay. He'll go peacefully surrounded by his loved ones and it's a better solution for him than living with all these tumors. Alright guys. Thanks for listening. Have a great weekend.

Love you and don't be cut and jackfruit was not talked about. But is that a fruit? We'll discuss. Never. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend John Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines,

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