The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #327 A Wrecking Ball w/ Ian Fidance

Episode Date: March 22, 2023

Nikki had a plus one to watch Adam Sandler receive a Mark Twain Prize for American Humor at the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts and gave it to her bud Ian Fidance. They recap their outrageously funny behind the scenes antics and share a very important lesson about pushing oneself past fear. Nikki and Anya discuss autonomy in a relationship and why it is a bad idea for girls to put out on the first date. Nikki shares her latest find in Reddit Dump. ----- Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Get Pod Merch: Podshop.NikkiGlaser.com Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Anya's Patreon: patreon.com/anyamarina Ian's Podcast: Bein' Ian w/ Jordan More Nikki: IG More Anya: IG More Ian: IG More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki.

Hello, here I am. Welcome to the show. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. I'm going to turn down my... Uh, welcome to the show, you guys. It's Nikki Glaser. It's the Nikki Glaser podcast. I'm going to turn down my... Welcome to the show, you guys. It's Nikki Glaser. It's Monday. Joining us today on this special episode is Anya Marina from New York. Noah is in Arizona, which is also a city in Arizona. We found that out from Brian Fante last week.

And today, from the streets of Brooklyn, walking his carry-on luggage with a cigarette in his mouth and a tie around his neck. He's wearing the same outfit he wore last night. I don't even know that he changed out of it because his tie is still tied professionally. Like, he is a sloppy senator. It is Ian Fidance. Actually, you don't look sloppy at all, Ian. You look great. Hey, Ian Fidance.

Hi. Thank you.. Hanging Finance. Hi. Thank you. I'm so excited. I wore my suit because I spent a lot of money on it, and I'm never taking it off. Yeah. You went to Jose Banks yesterday, right? Which they used to joke that that show you go, like, and you just get seven suits, and they can all be dishrags.

What? On SNL, there was an SNL where, like, you buy seven suits, and they're, like, cleaning up be dishrags. What? Like on SNL. There was an SNL where you buy seven suits and they're cleaning up spills with them. What? It's a great suit, god damn it. Right? Isn't it? You looked fantastic. I wouldn't know the difference between that and a nice suit.

It looked nice to me. It was great. And you bought a tie. You looked so spiffy. And last night, of course, was the Mark Twain Prize Award for humor that was presented to Adam Sandler and it was in Washington, D.C. My boyfriend, Chris Convey, was the mark twain prize award for humor that was presented to adam sandler and it was in washington dc my boyfriend chris convey was the showrunner for it so i got a special invite um to go watch it i didn't have to do any work i didn't have to present or do

anything not that they asked me but um it was nice to have the night off and just go to an event and um i had a plus one and i was was like, who am I going to take? Why was Ian chosen? Great question. I was like, do I ask? I knew Anya would. Yeah, do you want to answer why you think I chose you? Well, can you not frame it in a why would you choose Ian?

Yeah, there was a little bit of a judgment. Yeah, why would? She said no judge. Why the fuck would you do this? Well, Nikki has a lot of friends. I would like to know why. That is true. A lot more famous friends. No.

No, I don't, actually. And you, it's an interesting story how Ian came to even go to this because he, first of he's one of the first person people i thought of because i was like okay it was last minute it's in dc i was gonna have to like probably get whoever's i was probably gonna fly my friend there put them up and so i was thinking of people from new york that were wanted to go and then i was like there's no one really in new york that i definitely want to go to this with me and it would be kind of like i don't know and then i see it's almost like my phone read my mind ian put up a post that he's like in arlington virginia dc all weekend and i saw his shows were until saturday and i texted him i go are you in dc on sunday he's like i go back saturday and i go what about sunday you go with me the mark twain

prize for humor for adam sandler at the kennedy center and he was like oh my god that sounds amazing and then i was like i had to ask Chris like because Chris was like do you think you have a friend that would want to go and I was like I have a friend that wants to go can he go and he's like let me make sure so it was a little bit of waiting and then I finally said yes Ian I you're going with me and he was like I don't know man and then he tried to back out right yep yep and I want to like read our conversation because it was an interesting, I think a lot of people can learn from this. Oh my God.

I think it's a good life lesson. This is a HIPAA violation. Nikki's your therapist. No, you have a cane. You can't. This does feel invasive. This is a violation. No, I think people are going to learn from this.

Okay. I I said I go Chris said it's looking good And he goes Ooh And then I said And then a couple hours later I said you're good to go

But the red carpet can't happen I'm sorry I could barely get on it He said lol So what do I do Sit in a cage I said I totally get If you don't want to go

But I think it'll be fun We have good seats Really good seats You gotta go He goes Eh I don't know man I'm sorry I'm kind of feeling anxious about it about being alone with like a ton of celebrities and people i've grown up watching and i'm just some guy who no one knows lol you know what i mean and then i'm gonna be a needy friend lol i think we all relate to that feeling

yeah right yes i'm like i don't want to go because i'm going to be not important there there's going to be people that are like i hate going to these things i always feel smaller i always feel even when i went to the critics choice awards and i was nominated i was like why am i here everyone's a big star also this is all like fake and who cares and it depressed me so i get it and i used to get invited to this shit all the time when Amy started becoming super duper famous. She would invite me to premieres of stuff and it was overwhelming. I didn't have like nice clothes. I didn't have stylists. I didn't have hair and makeup. And I was just like, I can't go to these events. I can't like mingle with LeBron James and Goldie Hawn and all these people that I met through there.

But I always went because I knew that I would regret not going more than anything that could happen. And so I wrote to Ian. I said, OK, but why would you turn this fun down? I said, because you don't deserve to be around them. He said, LOL, yes. I said, and this is the moment I said, OK, okay well then don't blame anyone but yourself when you aren't as successful as you want to be boom truth dropped bomb dropped like it's true because i go okay well you know what i'm never gonna listen to ian bitch about anything about his career ever

if he's turning down this huge opportunity to be amongst the people that he should be amongst you know and by the way if you get invited to something unless you're sneaking in and jumping a fence and posing as a cater waiter to like get in you deserve to be there you got an invite so by means of me inviting you equals you deserve to be there ian is dancing right now as he finishes his cigarette. The last man in America who smokes. Yeah, and I'm not gonna stop. We don't want you to. Nikki's coughing because she

has your second hand smoke coming through the Zoom. That connection's perfect. So, yeah, I mean, we all relate to this feeling, but it really did make me realize, and I was talking to myself too, like, I can't bitch about things that don't happen for me when i don't audition for i get auditions and then i don't do it or i turn down things or i you know i just like pussy out of stuff because so much of this career

is doing stuff you're scared of and you were scared so it means run into it what was it like to get that text ian like what range of emotions were you feeling? I'd love to hang with Nick. That's a good time. But I don't know. It's like all these celebrities, and I've like worshipped Sandler and his friends and seen all their movies. And I know all these guys. And I just always feel less than when I'm not comfortable, especially like with industry people where like, I can't be friends with like agents or bookers.

Cause I feel like it's like, yeah, ultimately I like want something from you and I don't want to be friends with someone if there's that like thing in my mind. So I didn't want to be a guy. You go on the road with a tell where there had to be a moment where you were intimidated by a tell and we're like, he asked you to hang out and you were like,

I don't want to, it's going to be too weird. And look at you now, and we're like he asked you to hang out and you were like i don't want to it's gonna be too weird and look at you now you know like yeah yeah no you have to get over that he started calling me and was like hey you want to go eat and i was like i don't think i should i don't deserve you know and then it's like whatever but obviously like everyone not just people in our you know industry can get in their own way and i think like i'll let anxiety and fear and future tripping get in the way of like all i had to do was go and just have a fun time it wasn't like i i wasn't like going there to try to get something out of it like it was just a thing to like dude i'm gonna go and have fun but i was just nervous about being like alone or like you know everybody knows and loves you and

then i would just stand there like hello like my joke was like going up to people and being like hi yes i have a podcast please interview me but there's kind of something nice about like everyone if you looked around there was maybe 0.02 percent of people were famous in that point 0.2 percent of people yeah thousands of people were actually yeah there was no one recognizable so it wasn't like you were at the oscars at the exclusive after party it there was most people were not comedians it was like washington dc types i don't even know there was a lot of seat fillers um yeah and the the people that i talked to that were like famous or whatever were like kind to me and nice and it was like totally fine i just always feel weird being around people that i don't know let alone people that i know about that they i know and it just

makes it pains me to hear that because I relate to it, but I'm also like, this is going to stand in your way so much to be successful because you have to be delusional. If we learned anything last night from the Mark Twain Prize for Humor for Adam Sandler, let me just tell you what it is. Adam Sandler is as successful as he is

because A, he works hard, but a B, which is a huge B, like almost as successful as he is because a, he works hard, but a B, which is a huge B, like almost as big as a, he had confidence. Why did he have confidence? Because his whole family, he was never bullied by any of his,

he had brothers and sisters. They all showered him with like, you are the best. His mom still says like, you're the best shortstop that ever could have been. He doesn't play baseball. And she's like, well, you're the best shortstop that ever could have been. He doesn't play baseball. And she's like, well, you just didn't practice enough. You could have been.

You could be anything you want to be if you practice hard enough. And he was instilled with that. He said, I mean, it was the theme throughout the night. And then he finally gets on stage at the end of the night. And you'll see this on CNN on Sunday. If you watch the Mark Twain, it's so good. But if you watch it, he pretty much gets to the end of it

and he delivers his speech after all these people have made fun of like this guy got so far with no talent and like just doing like shooby-dooby-doo and like you know uh like just being a goofball and wearing basketball shorts and not trying but it's like he had confidence and he even said it he was like my brother would be like you're the funniest guy ever. You need to do comedy. His brother went to go see him for the first time do comedy. And he bombed. He was like, I think I bombed.

And his brother was like, no, you killed me. And he goes, oh, I guess I killed. And his brother convinced him he killed. So he was able to go do it again. And if you don't have that in your life, which most people don't, you got to fucking find a way to get that delusional kind of confidence and most comedians do have it your mom gave you a lot of that Ian you do have it well you can't say confidence without saying confidants and that's my name and uh no I mean like a big part of everything is fake

it till you make it and just act as if and. And it's just a difficult thing no matter what part or stage. Because Adam Sandler used to be that. But I bet Adam Sandler wouldn't blink about getting an invite to these things. And by the way, I would have blinked too. I would have been like, I shouldn't go. But if I had lived life like Adam Sandler and just said yes to everything and felt like people need to hear what I have to say. And there was some comedian I was reading about recently who,

if the crowd didn't laugh, they would, he would be like, they just don't get it. Man, that sucks. They don't get it. Whereas I go,

even when they do laugh, I go, they, they, I tricked them. They, they, they're stupid.

They don't, they like, but to beat, to have the gall of a comedian and be like, if you bomb to put that on them of like, you guys just don't get me is a level of sociopathy. I do not want to have, but there is a,

there's a meaty, there's a good medium to have of like not thinking that you're tricking everyone. Cause you're not, I mean, that's ridiculous, but also to not, to not be like cocky and um but

i kind of wish i did have that a little bit of like but i must anyone who um ian's going through the nasa training program to board the space station apparently i'm getting into my it sounds like you're going through 18 different like air. He has a metal harness he's clipping on himself. It does sound like that. I hope you go the way of the challenger. She has a lot of confidence in you. I do. I really think you could beat it, those O-rings that weren't attached properly.

I think something about you being on board, it'll fix it. I hope you go the way of Sally Ride and shit yourself and then kill yourself later. Anyway. But Ian, did that text from Nikki inspire you to go? Did it turn you around immediately? Did my bullying make you go? Yeah, yeah. And I like talked to some friends and stuff.

Like I was with Racine and I was like, dude, I just feel like weird. Like I don't belong you know like i don't like i feel like uh like a weirdo i don't ever want to be like a try hard or like like a guy that like inserts myself into things that i don't belong and i i just uh i don't know but it was nice to have support. That would be insane if you were, like, I asked you to go. It was almost insulting to me. I like, it's not that serious. I can make a mountain out of a molehill, and I can be like, let me overthink everything.

And it was like, no, I just got out of my way. I was like, you know what? I'm going to fucking have fun. He decides to go, and he embraces it. He goes out and gets a suit. I fucking loved him for it. He gets me a thank you card. He got me flowers.

He comes in. He gets a cigarette case. He gets a little cigarette extender thing that they wear in the 1920s that like you smoke a cigarette and it comes out earlier. And then. Oh, he was. I didn't even see that. And then he also got a cane, a new cane called a Pippi cane because the cat's name was Pippi or something there's a cat

head on it it's got a cat on it he's telling that story all night no one no one cared hey this kitten has balls no Ian looked fucking great and was just such a good sport and came in and was like he came to my hotel room

Chris was staying at the four seasons which was so nice by the way i saw jennifer aniston as i was checking in yesterday i thought this was gonna be the weekend i met jennifer aniston it's been a big build-up this is like one of my last celebrities on my you know obama and jennifer aniston are like the two left that i'm like those are my biggies and i thought this this was going to be the weekend. It wasn't, but I did see her in the flesh for the first time, both at the awards, but also walking into the, I went to go get Starbucks and I was coming back to the four seasons and

she was coming in and I saw her like, she had her bag on the ground by the valet and she was like looking through it. And I saw her gorgeous golden locks. And then she stood up and she was a tiny person. She was like five, one. She's very, very short short that makes me feel good

to hear because so many like actors and like big bigger like movie stars and stuff are short and i'm a short guy so that feels good that does feel good she's a woman though so it kind of works but um oh i'm kidding people going to be – never mind. I won't say what people are going to say because I'll just let them say it. Anyway, so I saw Jennifer Aniston and then I was at the Four Seasons, which is such a nice hotel. It's just like the place. There were paparazzi out front all day because there was a sports team there the night before. There was a basketball team, a bunch of famous people.

And then – what are you laughing at no it was funny because at the end of the night we were hanging out and there was some sports team checking in and nikki was sticking her face through like this gap in the wall and was like what sport are you what sport are you because we were like are they a basketball team or a football team but it's clearly football is not in season and there were no black guys. So it is a hockey team, 100%. So I just kept yelling, what sport? And you couldn't see me. My head was like through the slats.

There was like this big slatted wall that separated the bar and restaurant from the hotel lobby. So anyway, I've got to go to break, but I'm going to talk about how Ian came in like a wrecking ball to my hotel room and then we have a story of the aftermath Ian it's so funny and we'll talk about our night and all the celebrities we saw it was so exciting when we get back right after this

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All right, we're back with Ian Fidance from the hit podcast, Be An Ian. He also has a Patreon for that show. Or no, sorry, what is it called? Be an Ian with Jordan. With Jordan. Be an Ian with Jordan. Oh my gosh, Jordan is so freaking funny. What's Jordan's last name again?

Jensen. Jensen. I knew it. I said it at the same time as you. She is so funny. I'm attracted to her. Me too. Whoa. Okay.

She was raised by two women and she's straight. She has a masculine quality. But she just has this confidence and I love her eyes. I love her face. Oh my God. Yeah, you kind of look like her. You look like her. That's it.

Oh my God. But she's just, I think she's so pretty and just has a cool vibe she's so cool i haven't met her in person yet i saw her at the cellar one time and obviously i knew who she was but i was almost like intimidated to say hi um she was at the back table the fucking best we have so much fun together and we're like best friends anyway so like we had we both had off last last week like one night yeah and we were podcasting Monday, podcasting Wednesday, and we were both off Tuesday night. So we went and saw a movie together. What did you see?

Scream. And? Did you? It was a movie. Did you guys watch it? No, I'm kidding. I liked it. It was good.

It was a fun romp at the cinema. Oh. Yeah. Yeah, it was good. I haven't seen Scp at the cinema. Oh, yeah. I haven't seen Scream since Scream 2, I think. Oh, you got to. It's a fun little series. It was such a good movie when Jada Pickett-Smith gets a fucking knife

through the head when she's in the bathroom. She's the first one killed, I think, in that movie. No, Drew Barrymore was, who we saw last night. Okay, so we're back. Check out Be Anan with jordan um his podcast and um he's so funny he was the perfect date to have because ian is this person that he's so comical looking he's such a cool looking guy but he also looks funny and nice and approachable and he is all those things so he's a perfect date i chose ian mainly because i, remember Gad Elmaleh.

How do you say his last name? How could we forget? Gad Elmaleh. Gad, Gad, Gad, Gad, Gad, Gad. I can't give a shit. Nikki. Remember Gad was obsessed with you? I just always remember he was like,

who is this man? I'm fascinated by him. He should be a star. I just think that celebrities are like obsessed with Ian. Like I just knew he would be someone that would be like flashy and everyone would and i even heard people at the after party going and the guy in the mustache apparently is and then i like didn't say but i heard someone be like and the guy in the mustache with the cane like they were like everyone was loving you every time you would walk away people would be like is the cane a prop or does he really need it i was like he was hit by a car three years ago, so he kind of needed it first and now it's more of an accessory.

Really? Oh, I thought he was just peacocking. Yeah. Now I separated my sacrum from my pelvis and I slipped my L4 and L5. Shout out Dawn, my osteopath. Thank you. So you're healed again? She really healed you you're osteopath she healed me then i gotta i gotta go back this week and then i and then i start physical therapy he's just dropping glasses he's not peacocking either he needs those um for his personality it's a handicap wait what did we say last night involving handicap that was so funny, Ian?

I had a good line about it. It was so good. God damn it. I don't know. I forget. Please, God, can we remember? It was good enough to write down almost. Anyway, we had so many good jokes. I was cracking up. Also, Ian's just a great date because

I have anxiety in those moments too. I was cracking up and also Ian's just a great date because it's the I have anxiety in those moments too I was not there working I don't know if anyone fucking knows who I am I didn't feel I was just sitting with the general audience I wasn't like up on the sides with all the celebrities there was no like VIP pass that I had like I'm friends with David Spade but

hey we were with some celebrities we were very close to Wolf Blitzer. He was sitting behind us. The Blitz. Yeah. Wolf and the Blitz. I think he was in it in World War I.

Callback, too. We know nothing. So, yeah, he was sitting behind us. But, yeah, so Ian comes to my hotel room to get ready. I have already had hair and makeup come to my room i had a great team um and i'm in my robe but i'm all done up i'm like don't want to get in my dress yet because it's so tight and ian comes in and i thought ian was i got him a hotel room i thought he was gonna like go to his in a different hotel but it was like close enough

by i thought he was gonna go to his hotel and like get ready and then come meet me like ready but he comes in with his suitcase and like all of his belongings has not jumped into his hotel yet. And he comes in, he has to take a shower and he has to like totally get ready. He, but he, he's immediately after a shower,

he's sweating so much. And I was cold because I'm about to be cold all night long. So I blasted the heat a little bit. It was hot, but then I turned it down and you were still sweating all night long. All night long. Yes. Yes.

I have a sweat problem, but also I, you want to go back and, and read your little texts. You said come to the room and get ready. So I'm thinking it's going to be a get ready part. I thought it was like finishing touches, like tie the tie.

Like I didn't know it would be like, take a shower in my boyfriend's hotel room. Oh, probably that too. So he comes in. He has all of his cigarettes laid out on the bed. He's taking his cigarettes out of the pack. Why? Our pristine white bed. Because he has a cigarette case that he got that's a silver case and he wants to take

them out of the unsightly. Yeah. So he has a beautiful beautiful so he has all the loose there's tobacco all over littered all over my boyfriend's bed um then he goes and takes a shower which is fine like i didn't care then he's like he's sweating so much he can't get dressed because he can't and i i'm like i'll blast the ac i'm so sorry so i'm doing that is, then he goes in the bathroom and I, it's getting to the point where I was like, Ian, we got to go. I guess he's shaving his mustache and I just hear like him squeal in pain and then start laughing maniacally, like Joker style. And I go, what's going on? And he's got blood coming down his lip, like into his teeth. He cut his lip and he's bleeding everywhere. And he's like, it's okay. It's okay. And I was like i was like oh is it really okay how are you going to stop that up in five minutes our uber's coming and and it was so because we were laughing so hard because ian describe what you thought like

it was a hilarious image crying right now just the image I could not imagine a funnier thing than sitting at this prestigious award show at the Kennedy Center for the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. And it's Celebrity's Agala event and the camera goes to Nikki Blazer

on CNN and it pans out and I'm sitting there smiling with a mouth full of blood just in my teeth. With your fucking cane? And your long cigarette? Nobody knows me and I'm the guy who's bleeding from the mouth. I look like I have a head injury on the red carpet.

You look like a young Mark Twain, too. Did anyone say that to you last night? You kind of do. No, but I'll take it. Totally your luck. Yeah. So he stops it up and then we finally leave

and we go to the event and it was so fun. No, no, no. What? Before we get to the event, we go downstairs and we sit. Oh, yeah. And we're with David Spade and Chris Rock and Spade's assistant. And Ted Serranos.

Who's that? Anyone know who that is? The man who owns Netflix. Oh. Really? Ted. Mr. Netflix himself. That guy is in charge of Netflixflix dude did you bleed on him i

think it's soranos or sarah soranos but no this was wild i okay i have to do a thought experiment of what we all would do okay because this is ian finance he i would want no one else to be my date i asked for this i just i'm not i just want to know what y'all would do. Okay, so we are sitting with David Spade and Chris Rock, and Ted joins a little bit later, but, and David's assistant, Heather, who I love. And I could tell Ian's like a little nervous, but he's fine.

Like, I'm nervous. I'm not usually around Chris Rock. Like, it's like, I wasn't nervous, but it's like, you know, it was a little bit like, oh my God, you know? And I just watched Chris's special. So I'm telling him about how I feel about that. And we're all just like having fun and chatting and Ian's fine. And when we re that's when we realized like, we're not gonna be able to eat before this thing. And it's going to be, we're going right to the event. We're about to get an Uber. We're going right to the event. It's going to be three and a half hours and then

we're not going to eat. And, um, and Ian's hungry. And so I was like, and I have my bars with me, so I'm going to be fine. I know that. But because I expect no place to have vegan food. But Ian, I'm like, oh, fuck. So I was like, is it OK if Ian has some chips and fries? They had like this little centerpiece of fries and chips that they like brought to all the tables. And they were like, yeah, that's fine. So Ian takes some chips and it was fine.

And then there's this like the shrimp cocktail that is sitting unt sitting untouched on the side of the table. No, no, no. Hold on. Hold on. I got to stop you. I got to stop you. Please jump in, prawn boy. First of all, it was not a shrimp cocktail.

These were the largest prawns you've ever seen. I mean- Giant. On a mountain of ice. And there's probably- How many were there? Six? Five. Okay, five. And many were there? Six? Five.

Okay, five. And had anyone had one yet? None. These motherfuckers had food on the table. No one's touching it. They had truffle bread. No one's touching that. They got all this food going to waste.

There's all this food. Okay, there's not all this food. Chris Rock has the Caesar salad. There's like the French fries. Spade has his plate of meat or whatever. And then there's the all this food Chris Rock has the Caesar salad there's like the french fries uh Spade has his plate of meat or whatever and then there's the shrimp cocktail but it's not being touched but it seems like it's it's part of the smorgasbord you know like it's gonna be a long maybe they're gonna sit there a while so Ian goes would you guys mind if I had some of the shrimp and they go yeah oh my god sure what did say? Spade asked if I wanted the shrimp.

Because I kept going back for the fries. And he goes, here, have some of the shrimp. It's what it's here for. Key words, some of the shrimp. So Ian, what would you do if you were starving? And it was offered to you. He said, have the shrimp. No, you can't take it back. You can't change. Listen, he said, have. He said he said have the shrimp. No, you can't take it back.

You can't change. Listen, he said have even if he said have the shrimp. Let me just put this to you guys. And you're starving and you do see a lot of food there. They've already got their main dish. The appetizer maybe arrived with the main dish. So maybe it's like part of it. I don't know.

I get appetizers in my main dish together. So Ian is offered the shrimp. Right. So he takes it over and puts it in front of himself if you were ian how many shrimp would you have had of those five shrimp if you were not a guest at this table about to leave in three minutes how many shrimp would you have of these giant prawns if the if spade told me have the shrimp i would eat four of the existing five and then say, are you sure I can have all of these? And then I'd finish off the fifth if I got permission.

If he said have some of the shrimp, I'd eat two and then probably ask. I remember what he said because actually Spade has a joke about he sometimes says shrimps instead of shrimp because it's just a funny thing to say to waiters and waitresses to be like, I think I'll have the shrimps. And they go, OK, yeah yeah you'll have the um the cocktail shrimp and he goes yeah let's do one of the cocktail shrimps and he just keeps saying shrimps so he said that he goes do you want some shrimps to ian i believe that was the phrase ian puts it in front of him i look over within three minutes he's he's sucking off the last one. He's completely decimated this untouched shrimp's appetizer. And I am like a little bit embarrassed because this is my guest that they don't know.

He's just eaten a complete appetizer that they didn't even touch. That it was probably $35. I mean, at least on this menu. And you're with three of the most powerful people in comedy. In all of comedy and entertainment. He gave them a great story. And I wonder why Ian was scared to be around famous people.

He can't trust himself. I mean, I wanted to tell him, Ian, the ocean called. They're running out of shrimp. I wanted to do the fucking classic Seinfeld line because you were stuffing your face like George was at that board meeting when he goes oh the jerk store called and they're running out of you and they it was exactly like that you just had your last shrimp in your mouth and then um so i i just thought that was so funny because

in no world would i i would of course i would want all of them i would i would be obsessive about there's been so many times i've been at dinner and people don't eat all of an appetizer but I because I'm not paying and I'm not a guest I will not dare eat that maybe that's my problem maybe we should all be more like Ann and you can be if you listen to Be An Ann with Jordan if if you know if you're putting shrimps in front of me, you got to know something. I'm a dirty dick Delaware doozy and I'm going to eat them all. Okay. It is what it is.

And can I also say they weren't touching them. No, they weren't. They weren't touching the fries. You weren't wrong. They weren't touching the this. It wasn't about that, though. It wasn't about like if they would. No, you're totally right. But why would they order it if it didn't seem even good to have one one of them like they you didn't give them a chance maybe they got it

as like a complimentary thing from the restaurant no they did not there's no complimentary shrimps we got there was like you know i was trying to spin it sorry no i'm not done with ian i'm not done ian i have a couple more things to call you out on and don't you all come at me and go nikki's bullying ian i don't want to hear any of that shit i'm so tired of being called out for being mean to boys when all i watch on instagram is reels of boys being mean to each other on podcasts and everyone fucking eats it up i'm giving ian shit behavioral things and i can take it back myself. You can give me shit about stuff I do. And I know

you're like, no, you can't take it. Well, if I can't, then I can't. But I'm serious. This is coming from love. And also, what Nikki's not telling you is that I thanked them and I put the shrimp shells on my fingers and said, would anyone like a back massage?

That was totally fine. And Ted goes, we need to give this guy a development deal. Yeah. Three specials, just like Chappelle. This guy has something to say about the trans community. Three different ways for three hours. He really does.

So... Oh, yeah, you're right. Yeah, actually, Ian does have some experience. Yeah. A nuanced opinion. Oh, yeah, you're right. Yeah, actually, Ian does have some experience. Yeah. A nuanced opinion. We'll go to a shrimp dinner. Ian's going to go to Long John Silver's with Ted and talk out their deal.

Okay, Samson. So, I can't tell if it's your cane or your cat. This cat looks severely terrified. Oh my God, that looks like piano cat. It looks paralyzed. Okay. So let me just, Ian, I have to just share a couple more things with you that I picked up through the night. So then let's just, okay, so we went to the event.

We'll tell you more about that in a bit. But we get back at the end of the night and we're all in this bar area. And by the way, there is a group of people that include Ben Stiller and Chris Rock at the same bar that we're at in the lobby. But we're sitting at a different table.

And in that group was also a girl that looked exactly like Jennifer Aniston. So I thought Jennifer Anistoniston was there but it wasn't her it was it was a doppelganger but it was so funny because our table didn't see what i saw which was this girl that looked like jennifer aniston and there were two khaki chris's sister and then bahar uh curran chris's brother's date khaki and bahar were talking about brad pitt very loudly and like as you would like in conversation with your girlfriends like at a bar it would be but i'm like guys no i don't know she's right there like it was like the only it was so funny that like and i've this has happened a lot in my

life where i will hear people talk about celebrities that i know next to and i'm like you think you can talk about celebrities whenever you want but there are certain times when those celebrities or the people they've dated is like right next to you. And at the Four Seasons in D.C. on this specific night, you couldn't talk about celebrities openly. I mean, it was teeming with them. So, but it turned out to not be her. I kept saying a couple of things that I like was like, oh, I forgot where I am. Like I told Nikki I was going around going, eyes on Obama. I have eyes on

oh my god i kept just i would look at ian i would just go nope don't say it because there were just so many times to make really right-wing conservative like storm the capital type jokes where ian would like i wanted to go to people and be like hey hi i'm ian finance how are you 88 million people really voted for biden i mean we're always gonna believe it anyway i have a podcast and a cat named samson uh you got any shrimps um it's so funny that there were only five or six there oh yeah i mean it was a shrimp cocktail it was decorating the side of the dish but they were hanging out like they were jumbo shrimps and so i can't believe i can't even stop saying shrimps it's so funny so we go back and

it's like i can tell it's like time for ian to go my boyfriend is about to arrive and ian has been with me all night and it's like we're tired and ian just ate and i can tell that like ian's like leg is just moving like he's working a sewing machine like it's going up and down so fast there were so many times during the night i just had to like and he'd be like i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm like it's okay i just want to calm your leg down so ian was raring to go and um he's like i gotta go back up to your room to get um my my suitcase and stuff that he had up there and i was like oh great so ian was rearing to go and um he's like i gotta go back up to your room to get um my my suitcase and stuff that he had up there and i was like oh great so i hand him a hotel key and he goes up there and he is up there for so long because i said grab me a protein

bar because there was nothing on this menu and i was like i'm hungry so he grabs me one he comes right down i go why did it take i text him why is it taking you eight hours to pack like what is going on up there and he's's like, I had to pack. And he comes back down. And then he leaves. And then Chris and I go up to the room. So Chris, let me just say, oh, Ian's gone. Oh, he's got to come back for this because it's too funny.

And I'm going to send you guys a picture of what I came back to in the room. Oh, my God. I cannot even imagine more tobacco it's like tobacco in a heart shape on the bed oh my god that would be so funny like a honeymoon suite and i love that your vibe is so easy with him though like i love that you can give him so much shit and he loves it yeah i mean he's a goofball and i that's why i love him though he's so quirky but he's happy go lucky that's like what i imagine when i hear that term yeah i've always wanted to have a brother like this like so i we could like talk shit to each other a little bit

like just even saying what are you doing up there for so long like i don't have a relationship like that with anyone oh i have a relationship with that literally everyone in my life i there's no one i wouldn't go like what are you doing up there like come on i mean it's the way my dad talks i just hear my dad constantly being judgmental and like what are you taking so long and i go where did i get my judgmental like impatient bitch mode from daddy's girl daddy but yeah it's like it was getting to the point where it was like what could he be doing up there it was like really a long time and so and by the way chris is not like a fan of smoking or tobacco products so there was a point when there was tobacco in the bed that i was like let's clean up all of this so it's not like sitting here all night and so i got it off

the bed and i go back upstairs with chris and the way Chris has worked I mean Chris has probably slept four hours in the past week working on the show and he is about to only get 45 minutes of sleep before he has to get on a plane tomorrow to go start editing this because he has to deliver it on Friday and it's a huge edit job and we are watching Ian zip his pants

okay I started with your penis I thought you were doing a bit dude literally the camera came back on and ian is zipping up his pants oh god i'm glad you got whatever that was done it was a prawn my phone shut off yeah that'd be hilarious because it overheated and then i went to the bathroom and i ran out oh i know exactly what you did i know how you live man so thank you welcome back to the show so i was just saying you were um you know uh on the you had gone up there you had taken a while long time we go back up and chris literally has 45 minutes to fall asleep

before he has to get up and start putting writing in notes and then take his flight back to LA to start editing. He has no time. So we get there, and I go in the bathroom, and I'm washing my face, and I'm getting ready for bed, and Chris is kind of like, you know, packing up stuff in the room. And I go, I look in the trash, and I'm just going to send you a picture

of what I see in the trash, okay? And this is at the Four Seasons, by the way, which is like the nicest hotel you could stay at this is what ian has placed in the trash and i just want to know like if you had to dispose of this product or like this bag of things like do you think do you think you i'm sending it to you too so you can see what you left yeah it's so funny so i don't even know what what in the world it's a giant bag of like cigarettes and other things like a bag but you placed it on top of the the trash almost like on the very top so i get in i'm I'm like, Chris, there's like a really,

I go, this is, I just want you to know I'm not smoking Marlboro Reds. This is Ian. You didn't even try to like tuck it in the dress. Like, I guess I'm just running through what I would do, which is like hide

my disgusting, smelly tobacco. But you did put it in a Ziploc bag, which I appreciate. It's trash. It looks sanitary. But you placed it on top like it was a Christmas display. It does look like a beautiful display and also did you did you notice i hid the the the the towels with my blood on it i'm getting to that mister i'm getting to that

so i was just like i go chris i'm sorry he didn't tuck it more in because it's like a beautiful hotel and there's just like this white trash trash sticking out of the door. It's like the most, I was like, that fucking hillbilly. And he goes, did you just call him a hillbilly? And I was like, yes, this is a fucking hillbilly moment. So then we go to bed and um wait chris sleeps for 45 minutes i don't even sleep in the time that he's sleeping so i'm awake the whole time i hear his alarm go off he gets up and he just wants to take a hot shower before he gets on the plane and he just comes back and he goes hey um did like did ian like shower here and i was like yeah he did he goes, hey, did Ian shower here? And I was like, yeah, he did.

And he goes, yeah, there's no towels left. Oh, no. So he had no towels. And then I go, babe, I'm so sorry. You can use the bathroom. There's a fresh bathroom. You can use that. He's like, you know what?

I don't even. He wasn't mad at all. He was like, no, no, no. It's fine. And I was just like, Ian, use four towels. Make yourself at home. And there's no main service between when Ian is at my place and we are going to have to use this again. So Ian, but then this morning, Ian, I woke up and I go to the bathroom and I see what Chris has attempted to look for in towels.

And there are towels hanging up and there's two of them. What Chris must have done was look at these towels to see if they were clean enough or had any spray tan stains because he's used to seeing my spray tan on stuff and knowing it's dirty. There was blood all over

from when he cut his face. Chris is just wanting a hot shower in his own hotel room and like to dry off accordingly. There's only wet towels. There's like 14 packs of Marlboros in the trash. And there's blood all over the towels.

It was so funny. This guy's a keeper. I started laughing so hard but he chris did not give a shit i was just like that fucking hillbilly bleeding and sweating all over towels it was so funny that brawling tobacco i didn't even get until the after party. I know, Ian, you have to go. We go to the after party and Ian so, oh, and it was like delicious

food at the after party. There are shrimp cocktails at the after party. How many did Ian have and how many shrimps were on each one? Four. How many shrimp cocktails did Ian have? Four. So Ian had... I had six.

I went back. So you had 24 shrimp after the ceremony. Plus six gigantic ones. 30 prawns. Oh my God. The documentary Seaspiracy is about you. What the fuck, man? Our oceans are being depleted

you're part of the problem ian but we were laughing because he would like double hand you know how sometimes people get like two drinks for someone and they'll put like two like like you know like champagne glasses because that's what they were in was like kind of of, not champagne, but like margarita glasses. So he was holding up like a waiter going, but he had like two in each hand, and he kept pretending that he had a friend. Meanwhile, the only thing

I could eat there was this slaw. This like mango, cucumber slaw, and Ian, I was holding down our seats, and I was like, I could really go for some more slaw. Ian goes to go get some more food. Brings back no slaw. Brings back 25 shrimps.

It was so funny. Oh, my God. Like, did you post a picture today of him on the toilet? He sends it to me being like, is that after we've sent him all these Getty images of us looking like so dapper as fuck on the red carpet. By the way, he did get to walk in the end. It was awesome. And they were like, we had such a good time doing that. The photographers loved you.

Like there was this, you know, there's this whole like group of photogs just you go over here, over here. But they were like, they were cracking up at us. It was like, I felt like we were doing our pitch for like our sitcom, you know, like what the posters would be. Yeah. Yeah. Yanny and Laurel.

Oh my God. Laurel and Yanny. Um, I was using, I was using my cane as a guitar. Yes. And then like spinning around and, and you know how,

you know how when on the red carpet, when they go, who are you wearing? Where'd you get your suit i swear to god they were going where'd you get the cane would tell us about the cane and i'm going well it's a it's a pippy cane i got it from georgetown tobacco and if you see on getty image there is a close-up of ian's cane they just did a real close-up of the baby no way yes because sometimes they do that on like there's one on my like bracelet there's one of my shoes but there's there's cane pervs out there wait let's talk about when you went out to go have a cigarette after we

did the red carpet and there were complete there were so many fans out there waiting for the rival celebrities and i thought we were just going out because i was just joining him for his post carpet sig and um and there were like a ton of people being like nicky nicky come take a picture it And I thought we were just going out because I was just joining him for his post-carpet sig. And there were a ton of people being like, Nikki, Nikki, come take a picture. It was all these cute fans. And they're just comedy fans. And they were waiting for Aniston. But they were throwing me a bone.

But then there was one group of guys that go, Ian Finance. And I was like, hell yeah. And they knew Ian. And so then Ian goes and has a cigarette and then on the way back in Ian was like I'm gonna go give some love to this guy over here that shouted because they're behind a barricade and they're kind of like quarantined off so Ian's like I'm gonna go over to get to allow them to take a picture with me because they were excited to see him which is the right thing to do so what happened ian well um so i decided you could go straight into the building or you could go this way and over to be around the people in the barricade you were

gonna give them a photo op you know i was gonna do some selfies know, the people want to be, you know, it makes people feel good. So I went over and, uh, I see all of them looking at me and, and now I'm headed into the building and behind us is the red carpet where the limos and the expedition show up. So I go over and they're all looking at me and I wave and these, this is a group of people that were going Ian Ian finance so I'm like oh my god oh please please and they go there he is and I go hey guys and um they completely ignored me and were looking at the person who arrived behind there he is they thought Ian was like I here I am and they were like they were like no more And that is exactly why I wanted to get the fuck out of there. Because I knew famous people were going to roll up. And we were going to feel small as fuck.

But we were the only people there at the time. So they were so excited for us. And then we went into the event. And we watched it. And it was so freaking good. We were feet away. We were fifth row. We got to see Chris Rock, Conan O'Brien, Rob Snyder, Ben Stiller, Steve Buscemi,

Louise Guzman, Aniston, Drew Barrymore. Yeah. And many more. I think we're missing. His mom, Adam's mom did a thing. Adam's wife did a thing. I mean, if you want to feel bad about your relationship. more i think we're missing his mom adam's mom did a thing adam's wife did a thing i mean it just if you want to feel bad about your relationship and like adina menzel adele nazim as judge vulture

calls her if i do want to say if you want to feel bad about your own relationship listen to the love story of adam and his wife on the mark twain prize award for humor on sunday night like it is like i was just sitting there and i even after the show, I asked a few other people, like, were you comparing your own relationship to theirs? And everyone's like, yes. And it was like, oh, God. It's like watching a rom-com where you're just like, now you know where he kind of, like, gets the,

what are you doing? What is happening? Oh, he's eating kale bites? Or did you get kale bites? No, I got egg white and roasted red pepper oh yeah those are good those are good my my my screen is frozen you guys are frozen so you think that you're frozen too yes yeah right i i know what's going through your head ian is yes he's starving ian's like a child you know how like children if they can't see you they think you

can't see them when they hide like they'll hide behind like a tree so it's like but you can see them totally so ian didn't whatever age you learn visibility glasses but we were laughing so hard i want to throw myself under the bus a little bit because ian you caught this moment we never talked about it more remember when I was trying to get us in the VIP lounge and there was that guy I was trying to find and then I don't

dude it wasn't racist I want to say what I did wasn't I don't remember what people look like so I met this guy initially who was like I'll help you get in the VIP area and I go let me go get my friends i go get my friends i come back and he's not there anymore but there was a guy that was like there when this guy told me that and i go where's that guy that just told me he can get me in the vip area and he's like and that guy's a bestie by the

way um i forget his name but he is probably listening to this. Bob. Was his name Bob? Yeah, shout out Bob. Really? Good job remembering it. He hung at the VIP party. It was very nice. I really enjoyed talking to him. And I'm so sorry this happened, but he went away and I couldn't find him.

But I didn't remember. I'm not good with faces. And it sometimes gets misconstrued as racism. Because it's just like, so I go, there was a guy that was right here. And he goes, oh, yeah, he's coming. He's coming back. So he radioed him. He's like, he's coming back.

And in my mind, I was like, I think he was like a black guy. I don't really remember. Like, it just didn't stick. So then I see this black guy coming down the way. And I go, oh, there he is. And I, like, wave at this guy. It's not him, okay? Not at all. And then the guy shows up. what is he in indian and i go is that racist i i think they ever like it's i think all brown

people look alike apparently but it's not that it just it didn't it that's how much i don't care about race is that i don't it doesn't even go in my head that he's a could it just it didn't it that's how much i don't care about race is that i don't it doesn't even go in my head that he's a could that be it or is it she doesn't see color i mean i kind of dressed like yes they well i just don't i'm not kidding yes they were dressed alike because they were part of the staff so everybody was in the same thing. And on top of it, most of the time, every staff member was wearing masks. So you couldn't see shit. I'm totally on your team. I mean, I thought it was fucked up when you saw the guy and you go, oh, that's right.

That one's riding a magic carpet. I was like, Nikki, that's a bit much. I just think it's hilarious that I it wasn't like I just I just saw like I just remember I met him and I think my mind must have gone he does have darker skin tone it was I was so urgent about getting this in

it's the same fucking thing if I was in my head about it I wouldn't admit it on this podcast there was nothing about me that was like I think he's less than or I see them all as the same it was just funny to me that it's not like I misconstrued two black people because whenever that happens, I beat myself up so much. One time I tipped a girl a hundred bucks who was not helping us at all. I pulmed her a hundred dollars after the show.

And everyone was like, this happens to me with white people. Maybe it doesn't because I'm maybe more familiar with white people because I'm surrounded by them. I don't know. Maybe I do have a subconscious, like, it's not like I think they're less than because I can't always. It doesn't, whatever it is, I'm not meaning to do this. And I think that there's something to be said for me admitting that sometimes I fuck up. But I did one time at the DC Improv. Tom Takar witnessed me give a girl

who from behind looked exactly like this other girl. They had the same hairstyle. And I go, hey, thank you so much for this weekend. And I gave her a crisp $100 bill. She did not one time come by our green room. She was not our green room girl. So then I had to go. So then we were walking by black people on the street.

He's like, you want to give him $100? You want to like, just to be safe? And I was like, fuck you. But know what that's that's my reparations for being such a piece of shit oh there you go i i pay people you know but i felt but ian caught it and i get so embarrassed when i get caught being maybe racist i get so embarrassed and so not that that's like don't feel sorry for me but i just get um i get really insecure like am i do i need to correct this but it was just like i can't help that i don't really look at faces sometimes or i can't help that even maybe i do have that sort of like confusion because i didn't grow around

up around black people as much so and i feel like black people and um asian people feel the same way about white people a lot of times i've heard that they also think we all look alike. Is that true? Not that I'm saying that I think they all do. I got a friend here who's Asian. I'll ask. Rob, I got to ask. Do you think all white people look alike?

Do you think some white people look alike? Ever. Do you get them confused? What did he say? What did he say? He said not really, but he was. No, but is he Asian American? Like, did he grow up in America? And like, so he's been surrounded by white people forever.

I'm saying like, I'm not surrounded by Asian people all the time. I'm not like, I haven't been exposed enough. And that's my fault. I got to put myself in more situations. That's the problem. Yeah. You know? So thank you for doing that case study.

Do you got to get to your podcast? Yes. All right. Well, we got to go to break anyway we'll say goodbye to you thank you is there anything you would like to leave us with before we leave any other final um do you want to call me out for any hilarious things like a party you're not invited to. You're not there for a long time. And while you're there, eat up all the shrimps you can. Okay? Be an Ian with Jordan. Patreon.com slash BeAnIanPod.

Nick, I love you. I couldn't have had a better time with a better person. You are such a good date nick i love you i couldn't have had a better you were such a good date i love you and and and honestly man i am such a die-hard sand oh my god you went and saw jack and jill in the theaters twice so he was like it was the perfect person jack and jill in theaters twice i've seen the cobbler three times like i, dude, Sandler shaped who I am as a person with comedy, how I view my friendships, how I view just treating people. His ability to be sincere and funny and cute and heartfelt, but also silly, like really shaped my ethos with comedy. So to be there for that was

like, it was such a surreal, wonderful moment. I'm so glad you went. And I can't thank you enough for inviting me, giving me the pep talk. I love you. And I love you both, Anya and Noah. I love you, Ian. I wish you all the shrimps. And, you know, I just hope one day you guys will stop being racist.

Bye, Ian. Bye. Okay, let's go to break and come back with more and we're gonna do reddit dump after this john stewart is back in the host chair at the daily show which means he's also back in our ears on the daily show ears edition podcast the daily show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else,

like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, we're back. Ian is now, is no longer with us. Did he die? From your mouth to... No.

God love him. What an insane person. He's a delight. And so fun. He's the best option. it's so kind so fun to be around just a hoot um has so much anxiety that you're not allowed to have any so it's like it was so he was such a bundle of nerves that it was like it calmed me down which is a good maybe a good device just i know it's interesting to hear you are so nurturing and like it's okay calming his restless

leg and oh yeah because he kept his leg was jumping and the whole row would shake and it's really annoying like have you ever been in a seat that's attached to someone who's shaking their leg like yes remember the guy on the plane that i was too scared to talk to and because he was drinking all those whiskeys in a row and then he was a dick to me yeah that's too scary that was a i have i advised you not to to do anything but i just was gently like putting my hand on ian's leg and he go i'm sorry i'm sorry and i'm like no no no no it's okay i'm just letting you be aware of it like because it would start up right again like he was a dog having his falling off other people's plates

the prawn shake yeah he's just trying to loosen up some prawns. So any news from your world this weekend, Anya? Any highlights? Did you get any highlights? Matt is back. He was at South by Southwest with his band, The Natural Lines. So the end of my time alone happened. It's over.

Oh, yeah. You were alone for like five days. I love to be alone. Yeah, but he's home and it's nice to have him back and you know just seemed like thrilled it's nice it's great to have him it's good to be reunited yeah i don't have a boyfriend right now it's um people keep going like how's chris and i go we have an arrangement now when he is on these jobs i tell him you don't need to worry about me at all if you want to text me and reach out you can but like i i don't even want to reach out to you because i know so many people are like i know his texts are just flooded and he's not getting back to anyone because he's

so in the tunnel of work that i don't even want to add to it by being like good night babe so it's just like he's on the show alone like he's he's he's out in the wilderness i don't even we're not um we're not like i you know it's like that taylor swift song it's like um when they ask me if i have a boyfriend i can still say i don't remember people are like how's your boyfriend i'm like i oh i have one i don't remember like i had a little break it's not like i was like doing anything during that time i was like not a single lady but I didn't have to worry about a relationship whatsoever and he also because in the past we've gone through these times and it's like he has to steal away and put in more effort I just like to give him any the same for me like he always gives

me the benefit when I'm going through like a special taping or like a really hard week of work that I don't have to be girlfriend I don't need to be like checking in on him like i anything that will like cloud this myopic line of tunnel vision towards the end of this show that you're doing you don't need in your life so it was really nice to give him that and to both understand each other and be like and because the he did the breeding the beast live in november and i was a little bit like you weren't around a lot and so this time i was like i promise i'm not gonna pull that shit there's no way i'm even if i do i'm not gonna let you know like you i don't have a right to because i'm giving you the license to like you don't have to we're not this i'm i'm dating someone who cannot give me anything during those weeks and if even, even if you wanted to, I wouldn't want you to,

because I want you to get rest. I don't need you to call me. I'd rather you be sleeping during those times. Take care of yourself. So it was nice to have that understanding. Last week. Cause I, I was proud of myself because this is the first relationship I've ever been

in where it's secure. And the guy is like communicating with me plenty. And I'm, you know, I don't have the need to feel anxious or jealous or anything. I'm just like, I'm good. I'm happy alone.

He's texting me throughout the day. We're connected. It's nice. Not a lot, just like, how are you? But then the last day, something weird happened because my last big relationship, which was, as we all know decades ago that person would go on tour and then i would find out later all these horrible things happened like years later

years later or even some like one time i remember uh i flew to new zealand and then he came off the tour bus and i saw him like walking with all this is the very beginning of your dating right like you just kind of made it barely made it official maybe you hadn't made it official but you thought it was i think we had been dating six weeks and i had just maybe moved in with him very it was very rash israel but i hadn't talked to him in a while anyway i fly all the way to new zealand from san diego it was like 19 hours all in and he's getting off the bus and i see him and he's all disheveled and then like the he sits down and and i like my gut went off like red red alert and i was like you didn't like nothing bad happened did it last night or something and he was like i mean i'm a guy i'm gonna kiss other girls

and i remember like fuck this is not the relationship i thought it was this is not this is a bad scene you have to get out of this and i was so exhausted after that 19 hour travel that i just remember thinking like this is the moment where you set the scene for what you will accept yes yes and I just remember being like you're good you're a guy you're gonna kiss other girls so you kissed other girls and it was like I mean yeah I'm a guy I don't want to talk about I'm tired and I just remember like I stayed because I thought I was looking at my suitcase and like I should just get on the plane and fly home this is bullshit and I'm like I'm because I thought I was looking at my suitcase and like, I should just get on the plane and fly home. This is bullshit.

And I'm like, I'm just too tired. And it was like a fancy tour. It was like a four seasons hotel speaking of four seasons. And I just stayed for six years. How many times in relationships have there's been that moment where, whether it is like they cheat on you or they just say something really shitty or like, and you have that chance of like, I could get or they just say something really shitty or like

and you have that chance of like i could get out now and say i don't tolerate this but i'm sorry there's something about when you tolerate it that you kind of give them the green light to like yeah treat me like shit and then they don't respect you because they just gave you a little test and you you failed it by being weak and like but all that's why there's like this girl in our our group of friends a friend of a friend of a friend and she is like dating a new guy and it's getting to the point where they might sleep together and there's nothing official on the table and she's like didn't sleep with him yet they've only hooked up one time they did hanky-panky but nothing suit like no sex and she's like i'll probably sleep with him next time and i don't even know

this girl and i'm telling my friend tell her not to fuck him please god for the love of god she really likes him she feels like she could be falling in love with him for the love of god fight every instinct you have and do not sleep with him don't convince yourself that no this one's going to be different he's not going to respect you more after you sleep with him and you have not talked about being exclusive he's going to think you do this he's going to subconsciously think you do this with every guy that you're kind of easy and he's going to value you less and i know that they're come off like an encouragement to play a game it is not not to speak for you Nikki but this is not like don't fuck

him in order to get XYZ play games play Monopoly or sorry or just anything to keep him from your dick his dick inside you because after the dicks inside you the game is up man it's more like listen to your true gut

feeling is it that you're dying to have sex with him so much and you can't wait or is it that you're terrified that you'll lose him if you don't have sex with him right i'll tell you for me it was always the terrified i'll lose him he'll lose interest and and i'd convince myself no no no i'm just really horny no no no i wasn't really horny i mean of course it was exciting and i was horny, but it was also just like, I want him to be my boyfriend. And if like your joke, or you're like, we women think if we give you things, you'll like us. So we give you this thing. So we give you stuff like, oh, he wants this. He'll be mad at me if I don't get it. And then he won't like me anymore. And that works for almost everything except actually don't give

him gifts. That's another rule in that book. Not a rule but like don't give them gifts they don't they want to win you over and but we're so used to being people pleasers that we cannot put that aside in relationships and we think that we can like remember when you were like gonna buy that guy a rug that you didn't that didn't like like he was not one of your your boyfriend. And you were like, oh my God. I wish I had that rug back. It was so cool. But you know what? I bought myself one from the same store.

And it's right here. And it's so cute. But you could have two. I know. It was bigger than this. And there was a part of you that was like, he's going to feel nurtured. Like, did you bake him cookies at one point too? Or was that a different guy?

Different guy. I mean, I've learned a lot. Let me stress that all these relationships are from long ago like three years yes and matt and you are not together because of any of this there's no you never gave matt a gift and when you did you guys were not together because you tried some of this with matt and it did not work and you guys were not together actively nothing worked with my current relationship until i finally started to truly love and respect myself and that sounds like such a cliche but yeah to be like no i what i really want if i'm honest is a relationship yeah that's what i really of course i want to have sex with him and all that

stuff like what i really want is their heads is they're like but i want sex i love sex and i deserve it i'm not going to deprive myself and's like, you don't know what you're doing. You can lie to yourself all day about how sex feels good. Go fucking masturbate then you want to have sex because you think they're going to like you more after it. And also you do want to have it too. But just because you want something does not mean, and I've said this in my special before people like predicate their whole lives and their whole personalities on like, because I want it it's like i what i want but nikki i'm not gonna i want to have sex with them because i want to because it feels good i can't be vegan because i like cheese and i like meat it's like well i would

also like to murder someone sometimes there are times where i would like to drive up on the sidewalk and run over someone just to see how it feels on my car hitting the car and like going underneath it would literally soothe me to sometimes and in public slap a child that's crying or just go shut the fuck up you're a bad parent i would love to do it but i don't because it doesn't work for my life so these things that always feel good to us why do we get to do whatever we want and when it suits us there's always an excuse of like but i want to because you know what that's the fucking paradox of being a person we talked about this before of like you're supposed to like nurture yourself and be good to yourself and relax and self-care but then there's also that like you gotta never quit in the middle drive till the end

work hard passion like struggle there's like we get mixed messaging all the fucking time so i don't even know what you should do i'm full of mixed messages myself but i will convince ourselves that like if we have sex with them then they'll be my boyfriend and it's so unfortunately it never happens there's always one girl who's like we slept together on the first night well that's because your boyfriend likes women who do that. He has a mom that was kind of like ballsy and crazy and kooky. And that like, it's rare that that happens. It's like one person out of every audience that I go, have you ever slept with a guy in the first night? Like, there's always one girl that's like, I slept with my husband on the first night. It's like,

okay, so yes, there are anomalies. but by and large, if you're single now and you've been sleeping with guys on the first date or second date or third date or before you have a relationship and you're single, it has not worked for you yet. It hasn't worked for you yet. It hasn't led to a lasting relationship because I'm thinking you want a lasting relationship.

So look at the data that you have. And it's a hard pill to swallow. Dada, dada. And say that in bed a little bit more. Look at the data that you have. And it's a hard pill to swallow. Da-da. And say that in bed a little bit more. Look at the da-da. Okay, final thought. Let's do a couple quick Reddit dumps. Karaoke mode.

This is your Reddit dump. Okay, so this is to me IRL, for me IRL. To me in real life, for me in real life. It says, dudes will make zero moves on their crush and then proceed to post this. And then it's like this moody post of like this like anime character smoking a cigarette. And it just says, maybe I'm meant to be lonely.

And it's like made me laugh so hard because we've all done things like this. This isn't just a dude thing but like you i would always get so upset that guys didn't like me or like wouldn't make a move i mean i would get mad at guys that wouldn't make a move but they had i was giving them no indication that it would be okay to make a move but also you can't get upset when you get rejected when you have not take when you haven't put yourself out there when you haven't accepted the invite to the Mark Twain Prize Award, you can't live in the wreckage of a thing you didn't even do yet. Like, you got to take chances.

Would you ever do something? Adam Sandler. I was always making the first move. Always. Which is not a good move to women. For women to do. Women, you're supposed to make a prolonged eye contact, touch them lot like give indicators of interest which i would never do but there are things women can do to get men to make a move but men you gotta you gotta just go like can i kiss you right now just ask

that and i know that's awkward and um adam sandler actually there was an old clip from his stand-up early days last night and he was like just ask her he got advice from his dad he was like just ask her out what's the worst the worst she could say is no and she was like, just ask her. He got advice from his dad. He was like, just ask her out. What's the worst she can say is no. And she was like, get away from me, you ugly freak. And he goes, hey, you just, you didn't follow the rules. Or he says something about like, the worst she could do is not know. It could be like very hurtful. And that's the thing everyone's scared of.

Okay. This is from me IRL. It's a tweet from cultural savage. I just saw someone say, you didn't make good choices you had good choices and i am completely floored i mean what a great way to talk about privilege you didn't make good choices you had good choices which is like how i feel about everyone that has anything in the world that you want it's not because they were better than you and made better choices in life they had better choices you were born with shittier parents than them you were born in a shittier town than them you were born in a socioeconomic era or time that didn't afford you to have the same

opportunities don't compare yourself to others because it generally is just about the fucking pussy you came out of and the circumstance is nothing you yourself are flawed and are doing wrong i have a friend i need to send that to okay um uh this is a word of the day this is a tweet from suzy underscore dent word of the day is letibulate l-a-t-i-b-u-l-a-t 17th century to hide in a corner in an attempt to escape reality and then someone said okay well we're bringing that back obviously let's stipulate hide in the corner and attempt to escape reality i mean i've never done that before but um i think i kind of wanted to do it last night at times um and then this is if you're doing it under the covers i do that every day yeah you do under the covers a lot um what is that? My arms get cold and I just don't want them cold. Sometimes I just prop my phone up on a pillow and then I put them under the covers and then my head is out.

I don't like my head to get hot. Yeah, I have to air it out a lot. But I like to be in my clothes and then I get on top of the bed. But then there's another cover that's very light. Oh, so you don't go in the bed itself because then it's too much bedtime? It's a cave. Okay, all right.

It feels so soothing. Try it. I'm not going to, but because I just get up straight up in bed. I'll get in, like, I don't need to not get in bed. Do you not get in bed because you don't want to mess up your covers? I do it both.

Like, when it's nighttime and I'm ready to sleep i do it but i also like until he's earned it until you made him work for it until you have a lasting relationship based on honesty and truth with your bed okay today i learned this is today i learned cute aggression or the urge to squeeze cute animals or babies is the brain's coping mechanism to temper the onslaught of positive feelings because if you find yourself incapacitated by how cute a baby is so much so that you simply can't take care of it that baby is going to starve so if you we we have that we want to eat babies because it it means that we want to get close to them and that urge is better than something so cute we don't want to touch it and mess it up we have want to get close to them. And that urge is better than something so cute,

we don't want to touch it and mess it up. We have more of an urge to squeeze it. Because if something was too cute, we'd be like, I'm just going to ruin it and mess it up. And I don't want to mess up this perfectly pristine baby. So evolutionarily, we want to hold things and smother it

so that they get more hands on. This reminds me of something you posted on Instagram a little while back. And I smother it so that they get more hands-on well this reminds me of something you posted on instagram a little while back and i related to it so much because i feel this way about my cat buzzy and a couple months ago or like like six months ago or so you posted a video of luigi on on the balcony and you're like he's so fucking cute i just want to murder him yes and i want to squeeze my cat to death because i love him so much i know is it so that's a biological urge that's good yes because it makes us want to get close to them as opposed to like if you love something so much you don't want to touch it because you don't want to mess it up okay but do you ever want to squeeze your dog's paws because

they're just so like yeah no sometimes i have to calm down i was doing it with a puppy the other day i was like and then i was like calm down like this is a little too much i did it with forest the other day my nephew and was just like oh and i i could just feel it was like getting a little too tight but i was like, I just got to squeeze some baby juice out of you. Like, I just want to make a glass and chug it. Oh, God. So that was interesting that I think that there's a reason we do that. And it's just so that we won't leave babies alone. And they get so much love and attention.

And let me just say, if you are a parent out there, the number one advice I have, if you want your baby to be successful shower them with confidence make them feel that no matter who they are they can do whatever don't have any doubt in them ever even if it's delusional even if you know that they're not the best at something convince them they're the best at everything and you will make a millionaire baby who will take care of you and all the lack of self-esteem that you have from your parents who did not do that for you. This is so counterintuitive to like the last generation, which everyone's raising kids that are now like, you know, 12, 13, 14 with new values of like, I'm not going to tell them they're so special all the time because that's bullshit. I'm going to just be realistic. Like, that's great. You did a great job. So you're saying to the opposite.

Oh, absolutely. Make your kid feel that they have the potential to do anything that oh well if you if you're not good at that it's just because you didn't practice enough that is that's the secret it's like instilling them the work ethic but let them know that that is there because that is actually true you are capable of anything if you put enough hours to it and that is what i think i lacked in my life was like you either have it or you don't and the thing is anything could be gleaned from enough practice. And if kids understand that and are instilled with that belief in themselves, they are unstoppable. And all of my friends who are the biggest mega stars that you know, the biggest names,

someone told them that they were the best and they believed it from the get-go. And I sometimes have glimmers of it, but it's something I've had to teach myself as opposed to it was just in me. I got it a little bit, but do your kids a favor and just believe in them no matter what. And I'll never be a parent, so I can't do that with any kids. But if I can teach you how to parent, not that you would ever take my advice, but that is the number one thing that i would do if i were a parent is just make my child feel like they can do anything and that the prettiest and i and i would say prettiest honestly i know we're not

supposed to comment on looks strongest prettiest most beautiful all the things lie lie lie lie and they will be adam sandler levels of fame no and they're generous because but be loving to them teach them um to love their family and love others because that was the other thing i learned from adam sandler is that he loves his family and friends so much he's put them in everything he does he's his whole he employs everyone he's ever worked with and there were people there last night that i met that adam knew in college that they just were like friends in the dorm and like they're still friends and he's like Adam still stayed in my life he was like I never I went to all his comedy shows but like I didn't go the comedy route but he brought a lot of comedy

people with them but it just it's just cool that Adam has kept it so in the family and um it's just it was a really beautiful night about family and friends and speaking of so glad to have my two friends and doing this podcast today and ian fight ins was here too and he's you guys looked so happy and free on the red carpet i love those photos that is always fun that's like the happiest i've ever seen you on the red carpet it was a it was a little bit of a lie but um you know you play it up you're on the red carpet you're like no we no, we were cracking up. We had a great time. He was twirling that cane around. And I was so happy for him because these Getty images are so expensive. Like these are not easy to get. To get on the red carpet is not easy.

And so when I got him on it, I mean, even me getting on it was a struggle. Chris had to pull a lot of strings. And then and it was just so great to get him on it. So now he has all these like glamorous pictures of himself. And he looked fucking great. And I'm so happy. And he was great on the show today. And that's so cool that you get him on it. So now he has all these glamorous pictures of himself and he looked fucking great and I'm so happy. And he was great on the show today. And that's so cool that you gave him that pep talk. I mean, that's a very important talk.

Well, I told him. And I love that he took you up on it. Again, I said, because of what you're saying, when you aren't as successful as you want to be and I hear you bitching about it outside the cellar, sucking down a Marlboro Red and talking about who got what, I will never listen to you say that again because you are turning down this opportunity that could make you more successful and um and that's what you

gotta say like you can turn down these chances to be better and to get better but you better not complain about it because you made your own bed but that's why you're a good friend is a lot of people would like it over your courage to say that though why what do you mean because i think most people aren't brave enough to say that i really do i think that's what makes you uh a good friend i don't have a lot of friends my friends good friends is because they can tolerate hearing the cold hard truth and not think that it means i'm mad at them like yeah what was gonna happen like is is he gonna be mad at me if i say that what's bad about about what I said? Like, what are you scared? Why wouldn't you say that to a friend?

I'm sorry to get into it. I don't necessarily feel that way. Like, I might be like, if I got that text from him, I'd be like, oh, that's such a bummer. But OK. Oh, yeah. I was like, this is bullshit because he deserves to be there. I invited him and he's not going because he's scared. Stop doing things because you're scared.

That is the number one thing. And if I could give any advice for people who didn't get a lot of encouragement thinking they were the best in the world, when you are scared of something, say yes to it. That is the surest sign that you should do it. And just suck it up because no one's ever died of embarrassment. No one's ever died from a feeling Literally ever It's never happened A feeling of embarrassment or anxiety Has never killed anyone And I know you're gonna be like A heart attack

You're not gonna have a fucking heart attack Just say yes to things that scare you I do it all the time Including telling a story Of when I mixed up an Indian guy and a black guy And I'm gonna be okay You might cancel me But I got a home studio

I'm here in St. Louis I'm gonna be fine And I have my friends and family And that's what makes me rich in life. Thank you guys for listening to the show. Don't be cut. And just eat all the shrimp. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show,

which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show, ears edition podcast. Join late night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.