The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #329 All Goo & Stories From the iHeart Radio Awards w/ Brian Frange

Episode Date: March 29, 2023

Nikki is joined by Brian Frange at her hotel. They reminisce about the time they did their Not Safe podcast and Nikki's dog Luigi expressed himself in a way. This leads to conversation about peeing after sex and anal glands. Anya has another veneer update. Brian shares an irrational fear about wearing a wedding ring and also how he was molested as a 12 year old and only discovered it as an adult. Nikki had a session with a new therapist and so far so good. Brian and Anya learn that they both approach finances in a similar way. Nikki says she had one of her best times on stage recently at the Hollywood Improv because of the relatable thing that happened to her right before going on. She recaps the iHeart Radio Awards, being the only comedian on the red carpet, sitting next to Taylor Swift and the jokes she wanted to tell while she was presenting.  ----- Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Get Pod Merch: Podshop.NikkiGlaser.com Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Anya's Patreon: patreon.com/anyamarina Brian Frange: brianfrange.com More Nikki: IG More Anya: IG More Brian: IG More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. The Nikki Glaser Podcast. Here's Nikki. Hello, here I am.

Welcome to the show. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast. It's Monday, Tuesday. It is Tuesday. We're recording this Tuesday. I just have my days mixed up. I am here in Los Angeles, California at my really pretty nice hotel corner suite.

I'm being put up by the iHeartRadio Awards that I got to do last night. And they got me a nice hotel. And it was just such a joy to to do we'll get into that in just a second i want to just go around and introduce everyone who's here noah is in arizona you guys know that it's also a city there and um anya is in cupertino yes bay area silicon valley hell yeah baby you are um you're where like the the interesting thing about where you are, I always find, is that you are on the, will you describe it, Anya? If you look at your iPhone, the logo of the map is exactly where I am.

Yes. Oh, that's awesome. Isn't that cool? Because that's where Apple is? Yes. Oh, wow. She's exactly on that, like, wait, is it almost exactly that? That's a little exit though, right?

That's like an exit ramp on the icon. I think that the icon used to have like 280 on it maybe. It'd be weird if it was your parents address. It's like a Google map image. It's also a cool name for a city, Cupertino. It's such a cute name. I'd want to write that down if I had an envelope. It's better than Zizx.

Yeah, no, Zizx is bad. The guy who taught us about Zizx and taught us about Noah Arizona and just likes the name Cupertino I'm starting to notice a trend Is My good friend and past Podcast co-host of the Not Safe Podcast If you want to go back and listen to those they are still available It's Brian Frangie everyone

Isn't that horrifying That things are still available i mean can we just take the shit down by now dude remember on the podcast when luigi came oh my god yes well thanks for bringing that up i blocked that out of my memory luigi during one episode it was me and dan saint germain and you i used to do it as a bit in my act because we were it was me it was at our office at Not Safe. It was a show I had on Comedy Central. Brian worked in our digital department.

Dan was one of our writers, Dan St. Germain. And we had a podcast that Comedy Central gave us to promote the show on a different platform. So we would just go into Brian's office and do this podcast. It was my favorite part of the day. And one time, luigi was always in the office and he was on my lap i had just gotten him like a couple months before and he had a he has a big penis sheath especially for for a dog that size yeah he has a big penis and the sheath like the the slit that it's supposed to go in the lipstick goes in it would be too big and so the

penis would hang out a lot yes yes it doesn't anymore but for some reason he was very horny back then and he it was always out so one time during the show dan was making a big deal you were making a big deal of like oh god his lipstick's out and i was just like chill out so to get it back in i wanted to scare it back in. Oh, I didn't know that. I thought you were just rubbing the belly. So I took his paw. No, I took his paw to like, because I didn't want to like touch around that area. But I thought if you poked around the area, it would get scared and go back in. Yes, yes.

So I took his paw and like tapped around his penis and stuff came out. Oh, my God. I jerked my own dog off with his own. It was all over my tits. That used to be my end of the bit. Yeah, Luigi came. Which people have to do to breed dogs and stuff. Or to breed horses.

I thought you were talking about sticking the finger in the butt. Oh, that's to get a dog off you if it's attacking you? Yeah. That's not what I was talking about,. Oh, that's to get a dog off you if it's attacking you? Yeah. Yeah? That's not what I was talking about, but yes, that's true. What do you mean? To express its glands. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And now they're saying that that's not good anymore. To do? You know, they just change everything every couple of years so you spend more. Now you're me-tooing your dog. Yeah, now it's... Back before 2018, we could just stick our finger up our dog's ass and he wouldn't want it. That's when things were great yeah uh my god now too um wait no the anal gland thing is a real thing on small dogs

they get clogged up does your dog have anal gland issues no we never expressed his glands but i mean he shakes a lot well that's if they poop if they have two um if they have their poops are too liquidy because poops poops get their glands going so when poop comes out and it's hard it expresses it for them so if your dog has too much runny poop it its glands get like filled up and that's when you have to go express them oh god one time my dog is expressed all over because sometimes they do it out of fear And they shoot it out Like a skunk Oh

All over John Early Oh my god At a show I had brought Luigi To a show And John saw me And was like Hi

And he was like Look at the puppy And Luigi just was Freaked out And expressed And we didn't know What happened at first You just kind of

What color was it It's clear Like it's invisible But then John Early Is like oh And I'm like Oh my god why are you like wet we were so confused what was that why are you wet the smell isn't the it's like a

like a rotten fish the worst smell john early is in the bathroom we kind of don't know what happened but i'm kind of starting to smell something but it got all over john so it's barely like i can not even smell it in the room but i'm like oh, Oh my God, I think Luigi. And then I go, John, like through the door. And he's like, yes, he is freaking out because he has to perform. It was at,

um, hot soup, that show, Kurt Braunohler show. And it was upstairs in this like green room area. And he's in the bathroom, ruined his sweater. Like it was on a sweater and he got all this fishy.

I felt so, I mean, I'm sure he still talks. It doesn't come off. No, it does not. It's that sweater was done. And I fishy stuff. I'm sure he still talks about it. It doesn't come off. That sweater was done and I told him I'll pay you for it and he was very sweet. I think I offered. I can't imagine I didn't but I don't think he let me or I just didn't

offer. He's a funny guy. I'm sure his response would have been funny if he didn't It was too traumatizing to be covered in goo. It would be funny. I texted you saying I was going to be 10 minutes late. And then you responded, all good. But you left off the D.

So it said, all goo. I know. I didn't feel like sending the other D. That made me laugh. All goo. All goo is funny. It's all goo, man. We have new words for coming.

Express goo. Yes. Yeah. Not expressed all over my face oh my god that's so funny to say that your boyfriend expressed and now his poops babe just express yourself imagine if cum smelled as bad as a dog's as bad as it looks oh yeah i think god doesn't really have a smell what sometimes um i mean i hope this has happened to other people but if a guy like comes in you and you leave it there for a little bit it does start to smell like fish and it's because of the bacteria

that's that's yep sorry noah no one can relate that's just your pussy no she's right yeah how do you get it out how do you get it out what do you mean i've always been curious about that i think it just drips out like when you pee oh okay right don't you think i can only speak to anal sex how that comes out and it's exactly how you would think the other way. That one will stay in you. I'm sorry, everyone. But it's just true. You got to pee after sex, men and women. Oh, you must pee.

People think it's just women, but men need to pee too. Sure. It's pee too. It's a pee too movement. Yes. Why? Well, men do not get UTIs as much as women. No, no, no.

So it's more imperative for women to do so. That's 100%. It's like you have to pee like every single time or else you'll instantly get a UTI. It's crazy. It's crazy. It's a horrible thing to have happen. You're playing with fire in your pants because it really is. No one tells women that.

That should be a part of sex education. No one tells women that. That should be a part of sex education. No one tells women anything. That's a good point. I feel like sex ed is. Parallel parking. It's all about watch this video of a baby being born. And that's all you need to know. And so few people need to.

First of all, you don't need to know that. You're going to have doctors who can cover that. Yes. You know? Also, we get mixed messages constantly. Can I say a veneer horror story that I've had? Okay. Anya's getting veneers, by the way. She is now in the month before where she has fake ones.

Yes. Because they're molding the ones that are going to be put in April 5th. Right. When you have veneers, you can't bite into an apple anymore. I know. The apple-ist. We know. And Anya You can't bite into an apple Anymore I know The ablest We know And also you just

Can't use your teeth You can't use your teeth At all anymore And they hurt constantly It's great Anya really regrets Getting veneers But she hasn't gotten

The final one yet And I think she's gonna Change her tune Once she gets those But right now She has George Washington Like very porous teeth That accept stains

I figured out How to get around that. Because they have been looking like wooden teeth. And every night I just look in the mirror and I'm like, you have fucking wooden teeth, dude. What is happening? Because they create these ridges in them to make them look natural. But then you drink a cup of tea and it looks like wood. But the other day I was like, fuck it.

I'm using baking soda directly on these teeth because they're not my teeth. I can't ruin them. And it worked immediately. And they were like bright white, like not wooden anymore. Oh, good. But the dentist told me a month ago, do not be afraid to brush these things. You got to brush your gums. Do not be timid at all. Brush, brush, brush, because people are always timid. And then it causes bleeding if you're too timid around your gums. And if we install the permanent ones while your gums are bleeding, they will turn them pink. So definitely brush your gums vigorously. I was like, okay.

I've been brushing my teeth like four times a day after I eat, and I'm in constant pain. And finally, yesterday, it just starts gushing blood and doesn't stop. And I'm like, I'm done with this shit. So I call my dentist she finally calls me back today we're talking and i'm like i've been in constant pain i'm doing everything you said i'm even like rinsing with salt water i'm flossing gently i'm like doing all the right stuff and she's like well you know i think you're just missing a spot and you just really need to brush very gently.

Are you brushing gently? I'm like, you told me to brush vigorously. You can't brush vigorously. She's like, well, vigorously and gently. I'm just like, I just started crying. Like, just say, I fucked up. Sorry. I'm sorry you're in pain.

We'll take a look at it. Don't make it like, well, you probably brought this on yourself, bitch. Yeah. at it don't make it like well you probably brought this on yourself bitch yeah it's so what so did she so she so she definitely realized she had said something wrong and then she tried to course correct i said well i've been in constant pain for a month and i'm doing everything you said but i have been in like almost constant pain for four weeks and it's just silence and then she goes yeah i hear you okay why can't dentists admit that they were wrong that happened to me too i had a dentist who refused to admit that she did something wrong she kept trying to come up with different reasons why it was my fault and at the end of the day i

was like i did everything you said and you've ruined my life what what was going on in your i've had two teeth removed because of this. Really? And they're gone right now. Oh my God. And I'm waiting for the... And to get an implant costs like $10,000. It's so expensive.

Yeah, $6,000 per implant for me. What is going on? Why are teeth so expensive? And that is what you need to invest in. The teeth market? Yes. Yes. It's so expensive.

Forget about AI. Quit comedy. Yes. Because that's one thing we have not mastered clearly because you got these veneers and you're like what what do you wish people would have told you about the veneers before you can't bite into anything you can't they bleed all the time you don't want to get rid of your real tea I mean talk to me in a month when I have the permanent ones and maybe I'll be like it was so worth it i love anyone complain about veneers before is the thing you know why because no one admits they have them yeah right and this is a this is the thing it's their shame about having cosmetic procedures to improve your looks people have shame about it they act like they

don't have it they don't talk about it so then everyone's quietly doing this and only being advised by their doctor who's making money off of them. And so if the only advice and encouragement you're getting to do it is from a doctor who is incentivized to encourage you to do it, we got to destigmatize these things. If you get veneers, it's okay. Admit you have it. Tell people. Over the weekend, Nikki's like, next time, don't do this. You can't make decisions on your own.

You got to tell your friends before you do this stuff. She didn't tell us. We tell each other everything on the girls chat. And I was like, why didn't you disclose this? Because one of the girls on the girls chat has had veneers and would have advised not doing this. Even though I don't think it's going to be a mistake and I think you're going to love them. But I think you were like, you didn't want to be talked out of it, you said. I think I just, yeah, it's like I go into a weird mode sometimes where I'm just like, it's like on my to-do list. Like buy salad dressing, go to the post office,

get veneers. I'll just handle it. It'll just be a thing I'm doing, you know? I've done this before with a big decision in my life and I regretted that one too. It's like I don't want to be found out. I don't want to be talked out of it because I'm scared Matt or someone's going to be like, you're spending how much? And also I'm like, this is going to be great. My dentist said it'll be great.

You're going to love them. I know someone who has veneers. Oh, people love them. Thank you. I need to hear that. And they look good. That's why people do it. I mean, they look better than your regular teeth

without question. Do they function as well? Not even close. No, they're trash. If the apocalypse happens and your teeth fall out, you have nothing going for you. That should be,

if you think that, if you are a prepper, start training to install veneers because you will have a trade. No, one even better than that because I think about this all the time in the apocalypse

is that I would be dead within three weeks no matter how good I am at killing zombies. You feel like you're, you would be a good prepper. Why? Okay.

Because I can't see. I have contact lenses. Get LASIK, dude. LASIK Plus. I can't, I'm scared of LASIK. No, dude, I did LASIK.

It's scary. I'm not going to do it to you right now. Why are you flinching? Nikki is certified. LASIK is... Everyone that's scared of it, we do ads for them on the show because I got LASIK done. I'm not kidding

you. It's so quick. It is quicker than getting your ear pierced at Claire's. It is so easy. It's not a big deal at all. They make you like you know they want you're spending a lot of money so they give you the experience of like this is a procedure but they could literally do this at a like i even said it to the practitioner i go you guys could do this at a mall kiosk and she goes we could i mean we're not going to because but yes it's they do millions of procedures you are hard it's hard

to find anyone that has a bad experience with it. Of course, there are those cherry-picked stories where people have had things. But they do millions of procedures. I only had one eye done. And for a while, it was a little bit like my vision was adjusting. They said it could take up to 12 weeks. And it did take, I think it's been about 12 weeks since.

And I wake up every day with perfect vision yeah i don't have to bring contacts on the road with me i i can see up close i can see far away it's like it's a fucking dream what is brian afraid of yeah what are you afraid of i'm afraid of well laser well i'm afraid of a lot of things i'm also afraid to get a wedding ring i'm i have fear i mean that's just my mo i don't understand we're the same wedding ring are we both russian jews because that's the problem don't make this a russian jew thing this is it is true we're sensitive people we're highly sensitive we're afraid of the worst bad things have happened to us i get our history i understand

but why are you scared to get a ring? Because that's a, but you're not scared to get married forever. So don't tell me you're scared of commitment. No, I'm not. I'm not scared of commitment. So what's the scare of the ring? I'm scared my finger will get ripped off in a barn door.

Okay. I knew it. I knew it. Because of a guy, a famous author, he had a ring. Jimmy Fallon almost lost his finger to a ring. To a ring. Yeah, it's a common thing.

I wear rings all the time, but people don't, it doesn't happen that often. I don't want to get ripped off in a barn door. Oh my God. What if it does? And then I got to go back to everyone. Listen, I have irrational fears as well,

but you have to admit they're irrational statistically. Yes, well, I'm going to get a ring that will detach easily. Oh, there you go. Or a tattoo ring. Yeah. Those are forever, though. It's like breakaway pants. Yeah, yeah you know then you have to get it removed and that's really painful it's more painful than divorce yes getting a tattoo yeah

nikki had a painful ring oh yeah i couldn't get a ring off for almost a year and it's still kind of no it's actually healed around it but it was a little bit like it kind of made my finger all like weird for a second and small but uh i got i bought a ring remover on amazon and got it off and it was great it was felt victorious but yeah um i love rings though but yeah you do sometimes there's this ring i get that caught on my nose when i'm washing my face oh yeah i had to point the heart down i have a little heart ring on my pinky let me show show people on YouTube watching. And when I have the heart facing the other way, I would be washing and it would get caught and it ripped my nose. Like it literally ripped the nostril to the point where I was like,

it could have ripped my nostril off. I'm not, if it would have snagged and it ripped it so much, there was blood, like a huge mark there. And I was walking around with it and it had, it looked like chocolate. Like I just sme looked like chocolate like I

just smeared like chocolate on my face that would be your first instinct if you saw me and I realized no one tells me the truth about my people just go we assume Nikki has chocolate on her face because no one pointed it out I'm like I have blood like dripping down my face I have another story blood dripping down my face and we will talk about that right after this. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from Jon and the team of correspondents and contributors.

The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Besties, before we get back to the show, I have so many live dates coming up i really want you to come see me coming up april 14th that's my next show bethlehem pennsylvania then hampton new hampshire at the hampton beach casino then i'm in tucson where noah is going to be with us that night too april 27th in tucson april 28th and the 29th in Las Vegas.

Those dates are with David Spade. Get on those dates. If you want a fun spring trip for you and your friends, plan coming to Vegas or just go alone. The Venetian Theater, David Spade and me in Las Vegas. That is a double headliner show for the price of one. It's going to be insane. I cannot wait.

And then internationally, I'm hitting all of these cities within 11 days of each other. Berlin, Vienna, London, Munich, Amsterdam, Oslo, Stockholm, Helsinki, Tel Aviv, Athens. And then in June, I'm back in Sarasota, Florida. But we'll tell you all about those later at another time. But I hope to see you guys on the road. I love when you come out to shows. Thank you so much for your support Tell your friends and family if you have any people living in those cities I love you so much See you on the Good Girl Tour Okay so the other night I was going on at the improv

Two nights ago And I Made the mistake I get like zits If you get zits commonly They usually come up in the same pore Reinfects and like i have like if you get zits commonly they usually come up in the same pore reinfects and it's always like the same place hormonally and um for me there's one like on the corner of my lip and it sucks because it looks like a cold sore but i get these and i get these

two and they're deep seated and they take literally weeks to like come out be a white head for you to pop and like it weeks and weeks i've had them now for four white head for you to pop. And like weeks and weeks, I've had them now for four weeks and they just, they're kind of like under the surface. So I can, you kind of don't see them, but I can just feel them all the time. And then the other day it kind of came up enough that I was just in,

I was in traffic. Don't look. And I was just like, you know, when you just pick at something cause you're nervous and you start picking at the thing you shouldn't be picking it. Yeah. All the time.

Of course. So I'm in traffic and I'm just i haven't seen chris in a while and about to see chris so i'm just like nervous and i just like was like oh i got a little piece of skin and i was like i know i shouldn't but let me just see if it comes off clean like what delusion it lurks inside my brain that has never happened before in the history of me picking at something nothing has ever come off clean it has always been worse underneath nothing it's not like a sticker on your face you're trying to get off there's a hole and then it bleeds so all of a sudden my mouth and you're driving no i'm in the back of an uber in the back of an uber chris has not seen me in we

haven't seen each other we saw each other once for mark twain for like a couple hours but we haven't been together for weeks and weeks I'm about to see my boyfriend And my lip is bleeding It looks like I have A cold sore And so I'm blotting it With my finger And I took out a bandaid

But I didn't do The sticky part of the bandaid I'm just putting the Gauze part on Just like trying to And I'm a block away In traffic From trying to get it to stop

It's not stopping And then I see Chris And I'm like I picked at his zit It's not anything else And he's kind of like oh he like didn't need to know that and so finally it stops bleeding and i go i i go to a fit i had a fitting when i got into town so we had like an hour to hang out and then i had a fitting and then i go to there and they're kind of looking at me like oh she has a cold sore but i didn't even say anything to them just like let them think i have a

cold sore i don't care everyone does wait what's the downside of having a cold sore why is that so much worse than having for some reason it's like when you fart in bed and you're like it's a queef it's like it's not as bad as it coming out of your butt like queefs are less embarrassing than they're still embarrassing less embarrassing than farts and a zit is less embarrassing than a cold sore even though it's essentially the same fucking thing it's just a sore that you didn't help that you can't help you're not bad because you have it because it's associated with dirtiness and it's a virus at least a zit will i think that's the thing it's viral so it never goes away like you're stained it's her well it is herpes yeah so i think that's why the stigma but i love when people are like i have a cold sore and they're so nonchalant about it i think that's why the stigma, but I love when people are like, I have a cold sore and they're so nonchalant about it. I think that's so cool.

And I think we need more of that. But I don't get them. Okay. You guys don't even think that I, I'm just kidding. We need people telling people about their veneers and cold sores. And molestations. Yes.

Yes. Like everything needs to be like, all these things are not your fault. You didn't want to get herpes. You didn't want to get a cold sore. You didn't want to get molested. I was molested. You were? Yeah. I didn't even realize at the time. You didn't want to get a cold sore. You didn't want to get molested. I was molested. You were?

Yeah, I didn't even realize at the time. What? I was molested. Wait, hold on. Let's talk about it. News break. This just in. Brian Frangie was molested.

I didn't know until much later on in life that this was bad. See, this is what happens. Wait, tell me what happened. Well, I worked at a deli. And, you know, it's how it always starts. I worked at a deli and I was- The classic worked at a deli and, you know, it's how it always starts. I worked at a deli and I was- The classic worked at a deli molestation story. I went in very young.

Tale as old as uncle. Tale as old as uncle, yeah. I went in young, okay? It was illegal. I was 12 years old. Whoa. I went in young because I wanted to work. Working with fresh meat.

Exactly. And I sliced the meat. They wouldn't let me slice wanted to work. I wanted to get. Working with fresh meat. Exactly. And I sliced the meat. They wouldn't let me slice the meat until I was older. Okay. Did they let you beat the meat? They would let me watch. Okay. So I would learn from that.

And I would stock the bottles and wash the dishes. And there was my boss. His name was Dennis. And he was a guy. I actually found my first porn magazine because of Dennis he had a box of porn stashed in his basement in the basement of the deli he wanted you to find it no I don't know but it was it was pretty clear molested you yes then he probably sent you down there that's what they do they kind of like present sexual situations to go like what do you think about this well it's

one of these situations that's like is this molestation or is he just is this just guys being guys i'm gonna go with the former he's like a 45 year old owner of a deli and i'm a 12 year old boy first of all he shouldn't give you a job and there's it's suspicious already that he wants a 12 year old boy working for him so i'd be carrying bottles walking around yeah very heavy bottles and then he would uh take a 12 year old frangie is so adorable to me oh my god skinny and not skinny chubby with round glasses and a mushroom cut oh yeah and i played the trumpet he was into you well that's when i started working out oh okay yeah i was like i got it you played the trumpet i played the trumpet oh yeah do you still know how to play i play piano instead can you play taps i could play taps probably still but

you know you gotta work up just like your calluses on guitar you gotta work up your lips yeah your armature is that what it is yeah you're uh oh well i'm sure that's in only in woodwinds i think i'm not i'm not sure but i know that that's a woodwind my dad's a trumpet player and he has a good embouchure yes well he's always complaining about it i don't even know what that is like lip strength or something and he's always complaining about like the state same thing like cold sores or any lip stuff he can't go in the sun he's like my embouchure my lips oh botox as well like when i got the lip flip when i got a little like injectable there's a thing you can do with botox that makes your lip just go like and flip up you can't like sip on straws and she's like do you play any instrument like for how long like it just sucked dick and um it goes away

like it just changes the shape of your lip i just i blow dicks um yeah i had to stop my armature that'd be so funny to get out of sucking dick because babe i took up the trumpet it's my passion what you're 38 i showed no interest in this okay so you're you're carrying bottles you're carrying bottles i'm a little boy i'm a little boy and he would take a broom and he would put it in my butt no he would he would take a broom and he would put it in my butt No he would He would take a broom And he would put it in my butt What? While I was walking

And I'd go ooh And I would make that noise And then he'd look at me And he'd go Take care Brush your hair Oh Take care

Brush your hair And Yeah And I didn't really And so he would do that like Almost every day Was this on your way out? Shove the broom up my butt

Like on your way out? Just while I'm working. I'm just working. How many times did he say goodbye? Multiple times. The take care, brush your hair was just his little catchphrase after the broom in the And you were annoyed by it, obviously, because you're carrying these heavy bottles. Yeah, I was like, but I was like, is this just a deli life? Is this just what it's like to work?

Yeah, to be an adult and work in a deli. And also to be an adult man. Like, oh, we're just horsing around, I was like, but I was like, is this just a deli life? Is this just what it's like to work? Yeah, to be an adult and, you know, work in a deli. And also to be an adult man. Like, oh, we're just horsing around, I guess. Yes. And then you'd say, take care, brush your hair. And I felt like that was made it not molestation. But then many years later, I'm in therapy and I'm saying, you know, this guy did shove a broom in my butt. And they said, you were molested.

And I was like, I don't really count it. Yeah. I mean, it's a molestation of like, no molesting means like to disturb. Like it was a sexual disturbance that happened to you. Yes. A violation for sure. Yes. Good for you for talking about it here.

I'm so glad it wasn't worse. It didn't consciously affect me in any way, although it probably subconsciously affected me. But now I do brush my hair like 24 hours a day Do you see that phrase? I take care Definitely And you only use a Roomba because you cannot have any brooms No, no brooms, no

If anyone listening has done this to anybody And you're like fucking passing it off As like frat boy shit Or whatever you're doing just stop doing it stop doing it to children stop this shit it is weird it is it fucks people up i'm sorry this is making me so angry but like yeah so many people do this shit and they just pass it off as like locker room bullshit or just boys being boys go get therapy figure out why you're bothering children with this shit and like deal with their issues yes like this is really fucked up and it affects people for

many many years well i will say that there's just nowhere for people to go to say that they're into these things and that is that is a huge problem with why they keep happening is because based on my research pedophiles have nowhere to turn to say i'm attracted to kids i want to stick a broom up this kid's ass and i don't know what to do about it because if you are to tell i just started seeing a new therapist yesterday and before we got started it was the first time i ever have seen a therapist and before we get started she says i want you to know everything here is confidential unless you tell me that you're harming someone you intend to harm someone you intend to harm yourself or you um are you know i'm subpoenaed and it was like okay

that's good to know but at the same time there needs to be a place i i i know i've talked about before but there needs to be a place where people can go because if i were to go you know what i really i have i i want to violate children like my therapist, she would have to report me. She probably would. And there should be a place for no maps to go. That's non-offending, minor, attracted persons. There's maps and there's no maps. And no maps are good people that just have a fucking thing in their brain

where they're attracted to kids. They cannot help it. But they're non-offending and they want to be non-offending but they can't get support anywhere because if you admit you're attracted to kids you're already kill them fillet them put them away forever they can't help they're attracted to kids just like you can't help you're attracted to women or you can't help you're attracted to men it's the same thing they just got a fucking shit deal and the ones that do and the reason why they they end up most of them end up offending is because they have nowhere to talk to about it. And guess who are the only people that want to hear about them wanting to fuck kids?

Other people that want to fuck kids. And so guess who's not going to deter them from doing that? Other people who want to fuck kids. So then they go in these communities on the dark web and they support each other and they teach each other how to do it so if unless there's a place for them to go it's gonna keep happening and i think that's the route what they had a groom how to get yeah start oh you there's this bylaw that you can get 12 year olds working for you and if you have a basement room hide your porn down there and ask them to go get the milk bottles and hide the porn right under the milk bottles and that way then go down right as they see the porn and go hey do you like that oh you saw my

porn they teach them like little shit like this that just opens the conversation and like opens the door there's so many little things that they all share on these message boards from the podcast i've listened to but essentially until we allow them to admit That they are attracted to kids and that that's not Their fault and we accept them for that and we Say okay well You know people who have homicidal thoughts and Want to kill people we give I think we give Them help and we go

Okay well you want to kill someone okay let's help You not do that or yeah yeah or anything That you you struggle with let's help you Not do that But for them there's nothing and so but i am seeing a new therapist and she's fucking dope i'm seeing a somatic therapist oh yeah so it's like tapping into your yeah noah's like fucking finally nikki she's tapping she like taps into your it's not a tapping therapist i don't need to use that word but we talked about

it with the trumpet before but she plays taps she's been tapping your clit yeah yeah that would be yeah and i there's nowhere for her to go to talk about how that she's like take care brush your pubic hair i go uh okay does the ass hair count because there's nothing really in the front um is that still your pubes your ass hair yeah no yeah i wouldn't count it any Yes, it is. Well, pubis region is the front. Pubis. It's hair that has to do with puberty, you guys.

Oh, I didn't know that. So your chest hair is pubes? Your adult... Maybe. Arm hair is pubes? Or armpit hair? I think so. Wait, your pubis is that area, though. Yeah, that is the pubes.

Yeah, so I think pubes have to be down that area though Yeah that is the pubis Yeah so I think pubis Have to be down there So your asshole Is pretty close That's so funny That there is one hair That's a pube And right next to it

It's like You're not on this side man Yeah But it's like I'm right there It's like sorry You're an asshole hair You live in Jersey

It's totally Jersey It's Hoboken over there It's totally fucking Dersy You're from New York City You gotta go through The tunnel to get to me You gotta go through The taint Yeah the t to go through the tunnel to get to me. You got to go through the taint.

Yeah, the taint is like the tunnel. Wait, what were they called in the Civil War? The Confederates. The Union and the Confederates. I thought you said pubes. What were they called

in the Civil War? I was like, I don't know. You should know Wood and Deep. What were pubes called? They definitely weren't called pubes. In the 1700s, 1800s? Oh, yeah. They didn't say pubes called? They definitely weren't called pubes In the 1700s, 1800s

Oh yeah They didn't say pubes back then The devil's lawn They did not even address it Talk about not addressing things back then I mean, the first time you had sex Was probably like the first time you had ever heard of sex Back in the day

Because there was probably no mention of it at all Well, religion You know, they would squash that immediately you'd ever heard of sex back in the day because there's probably no mention of it at all well the religion you know they would squash that immediately and you wouldn't be able to talk about it until marriage and then you'd be really horny on your wedding day but you don't even know what you're horny for like you've never even where's it oh um the warren jeffs documentary yes i was just thinking about they have sex and they're like i didn't even know this was a thing. Oh, God. And the first time they're doing it was with an 80-year-old man. And these girls are like 14. Okay, so back to my new therapist.

One of them was 12. Wait, what does somatic mean? Oh, yeah, one was 12. Somatic means like touch. Noah? Like your body? It's when your body stores trauma and you use another physical touch or sound to get it out, I think. Oh, I didn't even know that.

I just thought somatic meant your body, feeling things. So she's asking a lot of like, because I told her I've tried this before and I started crying almost instantly. I was not emotional yesterday at all. I was like, I don't even really feel like going to therapy but and i didn't get she like asked me to go through my history of like trauma and i'm like not even crying not even like nothing is coming out like she's like thank you for sharing that with me i'm like it literally doesn't mean anything to me like i've shared this a million times i would do it on a podcast to the whole world and then she goes so tell me your history with somatic and i'm'm like, well, I went to this one woman and she would always ask me like, where do I feel that?

Like I would talk about something painful or something happy. And she's like, no, no. Do a body scan. Where are you feeling this? And I was like, and I could never feel it anywhere. I would make things up because I knew she wanted me to give her something. Like I know that. And I was like, and I just, I have friends who are like, feel things so, like, I was

just thinking about Anya. She's so sensitive. She like will eat something that's like a little bit spicy. And she's like, I just feel it in my tum. Like you're, you like have a sensitive, you feel everything. Like you have, you have so many feelings and like, and I know that Kirsten, she'll eat something like a little bit like, there's like, I think there's turmeric in this. And she can like tell, it's like, I would would never know anything i have no connection to my body that's why i think it

would be good for you because it teaches you how to do that yeah well i started crying because i'm just like i just don't feel like a real woman like i just don't feel things and then that's what made me start crying i was like i just don't i just feel like i'm gonna lie to you just to give you what you want because you're gonna want me to feel it somewhere but i don't feel it anywhere except in my head like i don't know i just get sad and it's like up here in my brain where thoughts are taking but i don't know um so we start going through stuff and she was like trying the first session she's trying to get me to go like to really painful stuff and then really happy stuff and just see the difference like the juxtaposition and i gotta be honest i was kind of making stuff up because i just i didn't feel it anywhere i was just like you gotta fake it

because the faking it is what makes it real i've done that with orgasms too like i used to fake it before i was having one because i knew it would help me maybe get to it yeah yeah yeah eventually you will feel yeah yeah but no um yesterday it really orgasms it did work for me but um yesterday with the thing she was asking me like what's what's something you're looking forward to right now and i was like oh well i get to see taylor swift tonight like i get to be in the same room as her she was like okay tell me about taylor and i started crying like talking about taylor what she means to me and i thought she was gonna be like well you're gay is the thing like i thought for sure she was gonna say like i think you're closeted um because i was just like she's just like means so much to

me and she's like my best friend but i don't know and i'm just so grateful and i was like crying about like getting to see her and she was like okay where are you feeling this and i'm like i know what she wants to hear i'm opening up I'm not feeling like a little bird. Like when I was talking about my mom and like my childhood, I'm like this and now I'm like this. And then so I just gave her that.

But did I really feel it? I don't know. You're a performer. I mean, it must be so difficult. This is, you're going to be her toughest challenge yet.

She said I did a really good job and I was like, ugh, I tricked her. God, why can't they be better? when you were talking about your mom you were like hunched over kind of with your arms

I saw that and that's what she wants me to do is just realize the things body body things I'm doing when I'm just she's told me like my assignment this week is just when I'm getting when I do these extremes she says most people live in this like this like little river of

you know bad feelings and good feelings and we can kind of like stabilize within that and it feels really bad and it feels really good but nothing too much but often people get thrown off of that track and it goes really really bad and i'm either way down here or way up here and there's no really in between and i need to start feeling i don't know what's going to happen when i'm able to target what my body is doing when i'm feeling those things but i guess something's gonna come something healing will come of it i have no fucking clue but so you said the therapist was really good what was your favorite part about it that made you conclude she was good she just had good questions she kept me on track she didn't let me go off because i can really obviously talk a

lot and uh yeah she just asked really good questions and then she had really good insights into um why she just right away got who i was she was like okay you have a you have you are full of energy you are bursting with energy you are not because i was telling her i don't leave any time for slowness, like I back to back to back schedule everything because I don't want any time where it's like, I could just do anything right now. I don't like that. I want everything.

You're a shark. I literally will plan it so I go get coffee, I come back here and I have five minutes to set up the thing and then you get here. And like, I don't want any time where i have could be on instagram and i like will feel start to feel bad that i'm not posting a reel or something you know like i don't want any yes i'm a shark yeah yeah sharks can't stop yes and so what happens when you stop what do you feel i guess that's the problem is like what i don't know

i think well because when i do stop i get get really depressed. Yeah. When I have too much, when I have any time off that everyone so desperately wants for me, I fall into like a really terrible depression. Yes. And so I'm trying to mitigate for that and try not to have that happen. When I feel like I'm not producing or I'm not creating or I'm not busy equals I'm sad and I start to compare myself and I start to just have these like. That's the problem yes if you really truly want to be complete then you have to be able to settle down and not do anything and not get depressed but who gives a shit just do stuff yeah that's what I say because I'm taught because when I'm doing stuff I'm depressed too because I just become like so tired I'm just like

I just want to relax but then you have something to complain about that justifies your feelings as opposed to you're relaxing somewhere and you have no reason to complain and you're depressed anyway whereas people who work at a grocery store like i would love to just take a week off and you take a week off you get depressed and it's like who are you think you are and that makes you feel worse about yourself yes exactly yes walking even today like i was kind of lamenting about something today and i was saw like so many homeless people and schizophrenic people just like twitching and itching and begging for money with a blanket over them and it was just like yeah i felt bad that i was even feeling bad and um but i've been doing this thing that has been

so working lately and it is i don't know where i got it from i had some you know some fucking instagram reel someone shared it but what you do is it's happened for me about five times this week that i've been doing it you jerk off your dog yeah and i'm he's out of cum oh and i gotta get a new dog was that funny i i yes i said it and then i regretted it immediately it was i give it like a 7 I bet people chuckled at that Listening at home It was out of nowhere

I didn't expect it I think it was a good callback I give it a 7 It's really good I'm not going to go crazy for it But I did like it And then I had a fun follow up I thought that was

some good stuff that was good podding so clip it so then um okay here's the here's the hack when you get into a situation where you're like oh my god i'm gonna miss my flight or like oh these bags are lost or like um oh my god like we're gonna be late to this thing or just some kind of urgent like bad bad things happen to me my life is over like this is going horribly i just go i am so lucky things just always work out for me i'm so lucky literally say it out loud or say it in your head and i swear to god it has worked every time yeah you just say when i get distressed i did it this week when i was about to miss a flight another time when i was about i checked bags too late and it was not it was not looking like it was i was you know in line doing this thing of like jesus christ you know

saying that under my breath doing my ej glazer thing of like come on you know like talking to no one yeah but like wanting someone complains to god yes but also wanting the person next to me to hear so that they can they can be like i know and then you're like yeah yeah and then hopefully it works its way up and then they start sensing that the line is getting they're like you know what now i'm gonna do this faster because of all these grunts but can they move a little faster i sometimes the way they staple the boarding passes together or the typing they'll they'll put their palm on it and then press down. Just go, like, just be fast.

But it's worked every single time I've done it. You've manifested the luck or you just feel better? No, it's, I made my flight. The bag showed up. The bags got checked in time. The line suddenly started moving. Like, if you just say, because it's not not true if you are a person who's able to even take a flight or make a phone call or be able to go see a doctor whatever instance

you're already in the top one percent of luckiest people there are billions of people who would kill to beat trade places with you no matter how like if you're listening to this podcast right now your life is better than literally 90 of the world like world yeah honestly your life is but and if you include all of time imagine being now you're alive now yeah you've won the lottery uh uh absolutely we're not you didn't get born into the warren jeff's cult you didn't get born into the Warren Jeffs cult. You didn't get born in, you know. Imagine you got born in negative 600 or 600 BC. You'd be dead. You'd already be dead. A hundred percent. Yeah, we'd all be dead.

Yes. Maybe one of us would be like the elder of the tribe. Yeah. At 35. And you're trying to get veneers and it's not working. But even today I was like going to complain about this more broad problem in my life of like this thing that's like just gnawing at me that's more of like a existential problem and i was like instead of like just dooming and glooming about this i'm just gonna say it's all gonna work out like i don't need to handle this thing today

i'm uncomfortable with this thing that's going on in my life right now i want it to change i'm i'm scared for change but i'm also wanting it to change but i don't need to make a decision today and i think that that's what gets on my gets in my head sometimes is when i'm like let's say you're unhappy with your job or the place the place you're living or your relationship or the car you're driving whatever friendship you have and you're like i have to make a change and and you know you're not going to decide today you know you're not going to so stop putting the pressure on yourself to like make a decision today yeah because all these things i'm always like i need and i know it's not time to decide yet and instead i'm just gonna say i'm so lucky i'm lucky that i even get to have this

decision everything and just say it randomly i'm so lucky everything always works out for me i am a lucky person and it's like lifts it and it's just gonna take care of itself now yeah i don't have to do i don't have to decide anything and i know it will i say that i say that about money all the time i go uh there's there there'll be more money I I say spend as much money as you want because you'll just make the money it doesn't work all the time you'll just make the money and then now and so basically I owe a lot of money to chase the guy named chase yeah guy named chase I know a guy named chase that owes my friend a lot of money i oh my god i have a similar attitude toward money and i think i've never said it out loud brian but i relate a lot i've always

had a an intuitive approach to money like i used to bounce checks all the time and then i kind of got my shit together and like really got it together and then once i got signed and i got with a financial advisor and like a business manager, I just stopped. Like they do my taxes. I sign the paper. Like they pay most of my bills. I don't want to think about it. And I'm so much happier now, you know, but I do have this weird thing where I just spend intuitively and intuitively when I'm like, I am not sure I can afford that. I just don't. But I don't balance my checkbook now. I'm not that aware of things. I have like some clarity,

but mostly I just rely on my intuition. And that's probably not smart. That's good. But I think I'm doing okay. It shows up. You don't spend more money than you can afford intuitively. And when you do go into crippling, horrific debt, which I've done many times. You have. Oh, God. $100,000 on the credit card.

Whoa. For what? It just. It comes? For life. I don't work. I don't do anything. Yeah. And then when I do work, it's for.

I mean, so it's. You're freelance. But then eventually it comes Eventually it comes Yes And then you pay it down And everything's fine And you know

There's no debtor's prison Just say I am lucky And things I am so lucky There's no debtor's prison There's no debtor's prison You're not gonna get Thrown in prison

You're not gonna go into jail You just might be on the streets They might take away Everything you hold dear And you might be A cripple You might never be able To buy a house Right You'll never You won't be on the streets. They might take away everything you hold dear. And you might be crippled. You might never be able to buy a house. Right. You won't be able to afford your next medical procedure.

But you know what? You might be toothless on the street. You might have no teeth. But now I have a nice pair of shoes. I do think an attitude. I have a thing I have to spit up. I'm sorry. I have a.

Keep going. up i'm sorry i have keep going um i do think an attitude of like uh some relaxation around money is really helpful for me like i have okay my mom and my dad my dad is constantly stressing about money constantly and my mom is very relaxed about money my mom has vastly more money than my father my father's always stressed out about it. You know, they're married of course, but like they have their own separate accounts too. Really?

And one of my parents is so happy about money, never worries about it and has tons of it. And the other is constantly micromanaging everything. So stressed out, freaked out. And it's just like, I'm more like my mom, you know?

And it's funny because the person who clings to money tends to be more miserable and lose it. My mom always says it's energy. Money is just energy. It's kind of what Brian's saying. Yeah, your mom also said that breast cancer could be healed by rubbing your hands together and cupping your hands, warming the hands and placing them upon the breast.

She wasn't wrong. Well well you didn't have cancer so no but that's why i was about to get a needle biopsy though and then because of my mom i was like can we just take another look and they did another ultrasound and we're like oh actually we don't need to do a needle biopsy we can just okay quickly aspirate that cyst oh you're fine just go home no surgery no needle biopsy yes can just okay quickly aspirate that cyst oh you're fine just go home no surgery no needle biopsy yes no scalpel yeah the the money thing i grew up with my parents vacillating between spending a lot like buying a ice skating rink that you put in your backyard from hammock or slimmer like rich people shit oh yeah for who for us what's hammock or slimmer, like rich people shit. Oh yeah. For who? For us. What's hammock or slimmer?

Hammock or slimmer is like the sharper image, but for richer people. So like the cover is always like a trampoline on a lake. There's always like products for really rich, like people just, you know, stuff that you would see at the succession, you know,

houses, a fun stuff, like a helicopter you can buy or like a, um, a cryogenic chamber for your guest room like there's just shit like that and so my dad bought a um an ice rink like fun we would always do fun stuff and then there was the also the word destitute thrown around all the time of like we are then it would it would vacillate so i never knew where so i i also vacillate between those two of like i have so much money

and then i don't look at it and then i start going like i have none and um but i want to get back to um so my lip was bleeding the other night i go to my fitting and then i go to the improv to do a set and i'm about to walk on stage and it's already like scabbed over and i'm like oh good thank god and then as i'm touching it to make sure it's just like not scabbed over i feel like a piece of skin and i'm like well that's gotta go and they're like saying my credits right control yourself i can't i can't but i gotta pick right before the most important moments in your life out there i'm picky nicky and so i was just like let me just get it because it'll just like be a little piece of skin it's not gonna and then Fucking I feel I pull

It and it hurts and I'm like I I've been doing this since I was my teens This is a bleeder and I go On stage and I'm going like this and I go Guys my lip is bleeding I was like and then I thankfully I have A joke for it where I'm like you know I I just you know I smiled too

Like I was like isn't it great when you pick up something? Because everyone relates to it. My whole life I'm shamed of my face bleeding when I pick at it too much. Turns out everyone knows what this is like. Every girl has picked at something too much. Every guy and every girl has covered it up with, you know, plastered it with powder to, like, seal it. And then you smile a weird way or you hit it and it starts bleeding and you don't even know like everyone and it's suddenly a relatable thing so it honestly was one of the best sets i've had recently because i was able to start

with such a relatable honest thing of like the comedian is bleeding and she pointed it out she said exactly what we're all thinking which is like what the fuck so um and then last night i went to the iheart awards and it was still scabby so i just put over like i just had to i didn't touch it all night though i was because i can't i couldn't risk bleeding on tv we've really buried the headline here i mean this is the most important thing you yeah and you gotta go to a break but yes right now we're going to come back and we'll get into the iHeart Awards, which were last night, where Taylor Swift was in attendance, as well as yours truly, Nikki Glaser. So we'll be back with the whole iHeart story right after this. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast.

The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, we're back. So I went to the iHeartRadio Awards last night.

And the only reason I got to go is because the director, Jill Gallen, who directed roast this is how things work out in life did i already tell this no but this this is how things work out for me um joel gallen directed the roast and when the roast would air he would have a party at his house for everyone that did it to come and every single time i i was always scared to go to these parties because it was just famous people there and also I have to watch myself which I hate watching myself with an audience and it was just like everything in me was like I don't want to go to this party I don't want to do this like I'm scared like Ian was the other day to go to the fucking um Mark Twain prize but I went right and in going to it I got to meet Joel I got to be because usually directors of shows you don't really meet you meet him maybe once backstage and then they're out in a van outside

the center running the show from a van so you don't really see them and interact with them but i got to know joel joel also also um directed chris rock's recent special which was great he does like so many live events he does the the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame awards induction. And because I have his number now, I always text him like, oh my God, whenever I see something he's done, I always like write him and let him know. And he does all these cool music things, which I'm a huge music fan. So I've gotten to ask him about, there was this one shot of Taylor Swift that she performed at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. And they were honoring Carly Simon, I believe. And she was singing, will you still love me tomorrow?

And they come around. The camera comes around. And she just shoots this glance at the camera right at the perfect time and looks over her shoulder and kind of gives it a nod. And I was obsessed with this shot. I'm like, how did she plan that to look at the perfect time and do this sultry look? And because at first she's singing ahead and you're like, she doesn't even know there's a camera there. And she just hits it and like does a look.

And it's one of my favorite little performance moments. So I wrote to Joel and I was like, tell me the story behind the shot. Did you guys rehearse this? Was this her idea? Was it your idea? Because the shot's amazing. And he said. And he's got to love this because nobody ever asks him shit like this yeah i think he i found that he's open

to answering all my like questions about this stuff and and by the way no matter how big anyone is they still want their work to be celebrated and certainly people behind the scenes do not get as much credit for their work as people in front of the camera so um i wrote to him and i was like tell me about this little moment. And if you watch her singing this, you guys will know exactly what I'm talking about. I think it's within the first minute and it's around her shoulder on the right side.

And he said, not only did we not rehearse it, she had no idea what the cameras were. That was just a live moment. And she just sensed the camera he said i've never worked with anyone who is so intuitive when it comes to angles and shots and she just sought and if you look at this i mean this is something you would rehearse over and over to get it right because it's so perfect and it's such a great little moment um both on his part and hers but that was a cool moment so we just stayed in touch and because he has a huge

say in this iHeart Awards two years ago he was like texted me and was like would you want to present at the iHeart Awards I was like yes he didn't even know I had a podcast with iHeart Radio like no offense to you guys you had nothing to do with I mean you had to approve it but Joel Joel Gallen is the one who submitted me and thought I would be great and then I did it two years ago and then I did it and then he wrote me again this year and he called me he was even like okay we can get you on a flight from Seattle to like after your Eugene show you can come in on and he was like checking flights I'm like isn't someone else supposed to be doing this so he gets me to do this crazy to me I thought I heart put you up to this no why all gallon and this is the this is why

you have to go to things and you have to meet people and this is like part of the schmoozing thing and you have to be nice and you have to, it wasn't anything but genuine to Joel,

but like me developing a relationship with him led to this. And you realize so many people in this business get opportunities because they have

prior relationships. It's all about that. Oh God, that's 100%. That's it. Yeah, like how about you and Adam Ruins Everything? Like how did you get. Oh, God, that's 100%. That's it. Yeah, like how about you and Adam ruins everything? Like how did you get that gig? Well, that was a blind packet submission.

So they literally didn't know who submitted the packet. Oh, so the opposite of the story. The exact opposite. Completely on merit. Once I got the interview, I already knew Adam. So once I got the interview, it was like, well, I know him. Obviously, we're going to hire him.

Gotcha. He blind submitted a packet. My friend blind submitted a packet and got this far. We're not going to not hire him now. Yes. And now we know it's my friend. And he's a white man. Bring him in.

Yes. Yes. No, that's that's the way to do it. This is 2016. So yeah, before we knew you guys were the devil. Yeah. Just kidding. I feel.

Anyway, so I get to go and um taylor swift is gonna and joel tells me taylor swift is gonna be in the building i'm like is she performing and he's like no she's accepting an award but she's gonna be there and i'm like oh my god so and he's like we'll sit you within you know we'll sit you in close range so So I got, I get there last night. The red carpet is like full of, like there's a line to get into the red carpet. And it is like so packed. And I'm doing my thing of like, you're lucky. You're just lucky. Things work out for you.

Because I'm like, I've got 15 minutes before I need to be inside the theater. The show starts. And this red carpet is backed up with people no one you would recognize. Like Chris and I, Chris Conris convie my boyfriend went with me we were both like we don't recognize we don't know any of these people i saw emma from dancing with the stars who i always see in line when we're at these things um i saw um i guess doja cat which i didn't know was her at first because she had like blonde hair she did not look like doja cat to me last night um and i saw like some country stars

you can just tell who's famous because they're just dressed nicer just like look perfect they just look so cool and i looked pretty cool last night too because i had a great team working on me all day so i had an amazing dress amazing hair makeup i looked important for sure i stood out because like the effort went into it so i get on the carpet chris gets to pose with me for some and then i do some solo ones. And then we get down the line. And there's all these interviews. So after you do the pictures, then there's all the press doing interviews.

Like Extra and TMZ and Associated Press. Like all the junkets. And Chris is like, do you want to do these? And I have a guy walking me down the red carpet. But he's not really like, he's like, I don't know how to do this. I think this is his first day on the job. And I'm like, you don't know how to do this i think it's his first day on the job i'm like you don't know how to do your job so i chris starts going up to people and i see him getting rejected of like do you want to talk to nikki glazer and they're just like we're good like i see him getting no's because they don't even know they don't know

what it's fine they don't know what there's too many people to know and this is a music event like if you're doing your research you're not you're not even expecting nikki glazer to be here so i i'm like i can't watch chris get rejected anymore i just need to show myself so i go up to this guy at e and i go hi nikki glazer had a show on e like do you want to talk to me and you could tell he did not did not want to at all but like it's me he can turn down chris for me but he can't turn down me. So he's just like, how are you feeling tonight? And just like looking past me, looking for anyone more famous. And any, you know, it was just.

It makes me sick. After the interview, I just go, Chris, we don't need to do this. Because these interviews never even show up anywhere. I never even see them when I do do them. So I was like, let's just go inside. Only when somebody is particularly rude do they show up. Exactly. That's the only time I ever see them.

It's like, that person was rude to this reporter. Yes. Or that reporter was really rude to Lady Gaga. Or they said an awkward thing, like the Hugh Grant moment. Yes, yes. Or the, yes. It's a no-win situation. Totally true.

Those, I don't know where else those are showing up. Who watches Extra? I'm sorry. I don't know. At the nail salon, sometimes Who watches Extra? I'm sorry. I don't know. At the nail salon, sometimes I have to because it's on the screen or whatever. Yesterday, it was Deal or No Deal from 2008. I was like, Megan Markle.

I was like riveted on a Deal or No Deal episode yesterday. It was so fun. That show's so fun. Yeah. I forget. Howie Mandel. It's not really an interview, but you're on page six. Yeah, you're right under under okay Kravitz for

outfits on the red carpet oh really what is this what's my caption because the Daily Mail caption was hilarious it was like Nikki Glaser glitters in gold and displays her long glowing tan legs so it's Nikki Glaser wearing a nude embellished dress. Oh, all right. I'll take it. For some people, page six is the pinnacle of fame. I mean, under Lenny Kravitz, too. That's not bad.

My placement was pretty good. Daily Mail, you had to scroll so hard you get carpal tunnel to get down to where my photo was on the photo spreads. I mean, it was so long down. Like, I'm literally like the 40th person down um i'm right like a teen mom is right before me i think from mtv's teen mom um but uh yeah lenny kravis hosted so that's a good placement on page six thank you page six so i get through we go inside and we walked on this gauntlet so after the red carpet there's a gauntlet of fans like i'm not kidding you a tenth of a mile like a pretty long gauntlet of like on both sides no one said anything to me i got through it chris was

about to film and i go don't film this this is so embarrassing no one and i look important like oh my god it looks like clearly someone should take a picture of this lady she looks like she's coming through with like a team no one cared and so i started going i'm nikki glazer i'm also that way and then they start going nikki nikki so i have to do that for myself and i'm like i'm a funny comedian and you might recognize and then they start recognizing me but they didn't i just don't think people contextually were thinking i would be there at a music that you need to hire a town crier you need to like medieval times you need someone to come out with the trumpet and maybe anya's dad yeah oh yeah and blow the trumpet and then go this is

here comes nikki glazer she's a funny comedian that's what they do on the red carpet generally they have a person come out and go it's nikki glazer she has a new show coming out on e she has a podcast and then everyone starts like so i didn't have that yesterday they had a little clip they had a whiteboard so the photographers knew who i was it said nikki glazer presenter and so they knew but the all the fans had no idea until i started telling them and then they're freaking out i do the same thing when tmz vans drive by i always on the street i'm always like i'm nikki glazer i'm a host of f1 you saw someone famous today and then they take pictures but they don't really know who I am. Yes. I do that. I lie.

You do? What do you say? I say like, I produce burn notice or something. And then the tour guide gets to say, oh, there is a producer of burn notice. Burn notice. Who didn't know what notice that is? I'm like eating a corned beef sandwich. And I say, I produce burn notice.

I used to say, I'm bird notice. I used to say I'm friends with Amy Schumer before I was famous. That's what I would say. People literally would take pictures of me. So now I go into the thing and we're early and it's filling up slowly and I'm just waiting

for Taylor to come in. I don't have to wonder when Taylor is in the room. You know why? Because people start shrieking their fucking faces off so i hear shrieking and i know exactly that taylor's in the room and she comes in and um she is wearing i don't know if you guys saw it she's wearing like a hooded sparkly amazing outfit it harkens back to Reputation era, which is maybe we're getting a hint that her new Taylor version is going to be Reputation. I think this is more of a reference to her Bejeweled video in which she's wearing a sparkly Bejeweled hood.

It almost is identical to the video. So I don't think this is a Reputation thing, any Swifties listening. I saw it. I thought it looked like, I thought it was awesome looking. It reminded me of Chainmail And I was like oh right she's going for battle

Oh yes well that was Reputation Era she was ready for battle That was after Kanye stuff and so that was Like so maybe it was in reference to that But she looked fucking cool As fuck it was one of my favorite looks of her ever So she walks in she is five rows In front of me

Which is all I've ever wanted And I start crying as soon as she walks in she is five rows in front of me um which is yeah all i've ever wanted and i start crying as soon as she walks in even though i have been this close to her before i was close to her on the rooftop for the 1989 premiere that chris got me into and we both made eye contact and i go it's cold and she goes it is and so we had a moment so there was i was close to her in that moment i met her backstage at the red tour that was before before I was a Swifty. So I've been close to her before, but this has been, you know, my fandom has gone up so much more even since the 1989 moment on the rooftop that being this close to her now

is as if I'm inside her compared to those moments. Like it's so much closer than even hugging her. I hugged her at the Red Tour. I took a picture. I talked to her. How many years ago was that? That was 2013. Okay, so over 10 years ago

yeah and it was before i was a swifty i was just like this girl is so amazing but i i didn't know i didn't know where it would take me i became a swifty when blank space came out that was the moment it hit me and i go my life is forever changed i will never not be obsessed with this woman and in love with her and so she so last night i'm a little i get teary-eyed when she walks in because she's just right there and i just know she's like taking a break from her tour right now. She is exhausted. She is doing this for us. She's doing this.

She's just given so much. And I'm just, and then I start getting really territorial because first of all, she has a huge team. The show hasn't started yet. She has a huge team around her. First, we watched a pink performance because it was a pre-tape. It was the opening performance, but they have to clear the stage. So they, the only thing they pre-taped was the pink performance and then that air five minutes later so they taped that she wasn't in the room then she gets brought in the room then we're kind

of waiting and people surround her and thank god because people are trying to come up to her people are freaking i mean everyone's freaking out everyone's a goddamn Swifty. And then Flava Flav, by the way, is right next to me. He's seated like three rows ahead of me, and he's on the right side. So there's an aisle. I'm right on the aisle. Taylor Swift is in front of me five rows. Flava Flav is to the right across the aisle, but closer to Taylor, probably two rows ahead. And I see Flava Flav get up and start walking to Taylor Swift.

And I just go, you stay away from her. Because I know Flava Flav. I mean, Flava Flav, everyone loves Flava Flav, no question about it. He's just a kind person. I used to watch Flava of Love.

I love him. I love that show. He's just, and he's so cute, and he's like dressed with his clock, and Chris was like, why is he here? I was like,

he's getting a lifetime achievement award from time from clocks they're just appreciative of the concept of time is honoring him tonight so he walks over and i'm like and i'm saying this to everyone who approaches you get away from her don't sap her energy because she's gonna have she's gonna be nice because she's a nice person so she's not gonna be a diva to anyone she has to have divas around her protecting her but he found an in and flavor if you look there's getty images there's so many images of her in flavor flavor it's like the funniest thing and they're taking a selfie together and people are making fun of taylor for taking they saying it's such a millennial thing and not a gen z thing to take a pic selfie and to take it with the upper volume do you do you know that takes a picture i like if

we were to take a selfie yes of course okay so it's the upper volume instead of pressing on the thing itself oh here you just go like this and that's millennial and it takes a photo gen z's making fun of yeah they're making like look how she takes a photo i'm like that's the smart way what's the other how does gen z do it like this no like on the face of it itself it's so much harder to do that way yeah so here's this took so long for them to figure out how to do though because at first he comes over she's got to give flav of flav the respect yeah and she's like oh i'm sure she's like but i have to say this was all because he breached her security line and just and no one's gonna well because it's just it's

not a security line it was just like her like it's not actual security it's just people it's like her like publicists and stuff yeah so he just comes up because he's flava flav like no one's gonna be like get out of here flava flav like you're famous in their face yeah he blinds them they start like just a burn hole through their head burn notice and so he gets in and she's of course gonna be nice but that was not like a planned thing that was flava flav just inserting himself not understanding i don't think he understands how off limits this woman should be but it's just like the bachelor if you want time with the bachelor you gotta be like you gotta go in yeah and then they took me backstage to go so he gets that picture and she's obviously so nice. Then she gets her award and she gives the best speech.

She talks about how everyone sees how often she wins. And it's like, all you see are her successes, but she's failed so many times. And she was like thousands and thousands of times. I have done the wrong thing. I have written the wrong song. I've,

I've failed and you don't see that, but that is what happens. So please, she goes, I hate failing. I'm never gonna be Comfortable with it it's embarrassing to fail But I give myself permission to fail And I thought that was a really nice thing for her to say

And she said especially I want to say this especially to young People I'm like no I need to hear this bitch I so I so needed it so Her speech was just so sweet and she's just This is why I love her because she's a great Public speaker she's She's just, this is why I love her because she's a great public speaker. She's just like, you guys, oh my God, thank you.

Like, she's honestly still like, like shocked that people are like, God, she goes, thank you for the clapping. Oh my God, that's so nice. Like, she's still like, she's also like, thank you for putting that video together. Yeah, thank you for putting the video together, that video, all those people.

Cause there was like this montage video, people talking about how great she is All these celebrities And she was like I can't believe that video And it's like Taylor Yes you like But she really doesn't She's still humble enough

Or maybe she's pretending to be But I don't think it's pretend Because a lot of Swifties have compiled videos of her From childhood videos that have been released And she was always a grateful little girl She's always like thank you Thank like even when she was three She was thanking people and saying please and thank you and that's why i like taylor's because she has like normal parents that don't look like botox to death they

don't look like fame pushing parents they're just like good people and um so i get brought back at during the fourth act and my part is in the seventh act so they bring me back early to go get touch ups and go over the prompter and figure it out. And I'm struggling with my joke because it's kind of like lame because I tried to do other jokes. So I'm presenting the best new artists to perform. And I wanted to do like in my tone of voice,

which was like the best new artist, think about it, think about how I go, no matter who you love, I said something I wanted to do a bit to the effect of your favorite artist was once the best new artist or like was a new artist everyone you know and love and think they've been around forever has once been a new artist because it's almost my point about when people go who is this girl when i show up on something they're like who is this and you just, did you know who Tom Hanks was forever? There's a point where you figure out who,

everyone's new at some point. You've got to meet me at some point, and then you'll like me. When you were born, the doctor was like, who the hell? I don't know this at all. Why would they cast her in my, yeah. People just are confused. So my point was going to be like at one i wrote this

thing that was like there was even at one point when someone was like who is this and they're like it's this hot new guy beethoven and they're like this is sick bach doesn't stand a chance like there was a there was a time when beethoven was the hot new kid on the scene yeah he really was a kid too yeah was he he was a child prodigy oh yeah that makes sense um and then there was another run i had about um oh i was gonna say even taylor swift was a new artist at one point there was a point when someone was like oh no i was gonna say scratch that i said taylor swift so my thing was gonna be you know i'm presenting for best new art i'm presenting these best new artists and every artist you know and love has once been a new artist.

There was a time where someone was like, who is this? She's really good. Taylor Shift? Oh, my God. Taylor Shift is great. I'm a shifty. And I was going to have that be a joke, but they were like, we don't want that. And then another joke I wrote was going to be like,

there's nothing like the first time you hear your new favorite song, and you go, who is this? She's amazing. And they go, that's nothing like the first time you hear your new favorite song. And you go, who is this? She's amazing. And they go, that's Rob Snyder's daughter. Because that is Elle King, the girl that sings, X's and O's, they want me. You know that song? Oh, yeah.

That's Rob Snyder's daughter. Wow, really? Yes. No one knows that. So they vetoed those. So I ended up doing a more. What? That one's great.

I ended up doing a more generic thing of, you know, iHeart always has the greatest new music, whether you're looking for something to listen to at the gym or you need something to cry to or you're just crying at the gym. Not because you're sad because you're trying to get the free weights to yourself. No one knows what to do with a sobbing woman doing hip thrust to antihero or something like that. So I ended up doing that but i go backstage and on the way backstage because i have

a little time my handler is like taylor swift's over here do you want do you want to try to meet her and i go no i'm not i'm not flavor flaving i don't want to bug her i'm not in i'm not in this to bug i'm i want to leave her alone i don to leave her alone. I don't want her to know. I don't need her to like focus on me. And so I passed up the opportunity to find her. I didn't want to do it. It wasn't the right time. I just didn't feel right.

And then I go backstage. I do my thing. Kelly Clarkson comes off stage, her and pink perform together. I missed that performance. Cause I'm backstage, but they come off and Kelly, like I go great job. And Kelly's like,

Oh my God. Hi. And she like gives me a hug, which was really nice. Cause she doesn't have to recognize me, even though I've been on her show three times but like still I wouldn't expect her to remember me and she was like I never see you in this context oh my god hello she was so nice and I heard her backstage say to Pink after they got off stage I never get nervous singing except if I'm singing with you which I thought was kind of a cool little backstage moment of like she really reveres pink's voice yeah yeah i thought that was cool and so then i do my thing

and um i have to walk upstairs and i have the pointiest shoes i've ever had they look like elf shoes let me just show you them they're the longest shoes i've ever worn in my life and they're pretty interesting Look at they have a spring that wraps around your leg Oh okay Isn't this so funny this shoe Definitely off of a person It's hilarious

Very long toes But look at how much more it's coming My foot ends there and it's coming off that And I have to walk upstairs This is a classic tripping shoe Like where you know when you have slightly bigger shoes And you start hitting the stair And you trip

So I have to walk upstairs You look like the town crier It totally is That was a medieval thing This is like a little joker shoe Back in medieval times Yeah in Courtchester Sorry the length of this thing

Was like a It was like a Men would wear them Oh It was a fashion statement for men And the longer your The bigger you get Shoe

Yeah basically Yeah kind of oh wow yeah so i'm walking upstairs i'm like oh my god so i practice it and it goes fine and i have to say every single time i presented an award recently or like any kind of prompt or reading at an award show which has been several times recently i flubbed a line and i don't really care because no one cares but it's like you're just nerves and you flub line and i had a lot of copy to get through i had to be like and infinity brings you the best new artist who helps you discover and i heart helps you discover your next favorite artist that is infinitely you infinitely you and like all these and then i just say four artists names and present them and i didn't fuck up a single line i nailed it and i

got the note right before from joel gallen someone joel told someone the director told someone to tell me hey and the guy that was working with me by the way was the same guy that came out on stage when they presented the wrong best picture nomination at the oscars he was the one that came out on stage and was like no no no no it was not la la land or whatever and so he that guy was famous i didn't find out till after chris was like you know the guy that was your stage manager he's the guy that was the oscars and i was like oh he's famous and he was really nice and was a fan of mine and we were talking about st louis and stuff but anyway um joel had one of the writers come up to me and go hey can

you go fast and i was like that's the that's the name of the game for me like are you kidding me and i was like i am gonna and that's why i didn't try to fight for my the the line i wanted to say i'm a team player at these things i want i'm serving joel who is the director i want to give him a smooth show and so i zipped through it i nailed it and then after the show chris and i went to go get pizza and we're sitting at the restaurant and he gets a text from um like the another one of the um big like number two in line i think right underneath joel and he said nikki must be gunning to host this thing because i was in the control room yes and the execs at Fox go that's the energy we want

brought to this she just nailed it or something like that and I was like yes alright that's right it's good to fight for what you want to do to have you yes but Lenny Kravitz I mean I'm no Lenny Kravitz but I do think I am a really good host and it was like it was a nice

reminder to not do because Chris last night when i final thought chris was helping me with my line because i was working with the writers and texting with them about my what i was going to say to present and chris was like you can do this generic one or do you think do you think schumer would do the generic one do you think a you know tina fey or sarah silverman would do the generic one or would they try to fight for what they want to do and I was like I do believe they would fight for it but I don't think this is the place to do that like I think there's a time and a place to fight for originality and to be yourself but like I think it's better for me to work with what I'm they're giving me and make that my own as opposed

to trying to buck the system and inject something that is not what is already approved by the sponsored event and then i heard taylor swift's speech of saying you know i she gave so she got two awards last night and she one of her speeches was also about it was also inspiring was saying about anti here at one for best song and she said we really didn't think this was going to be the single because this song isn't like a classic single song. It's not, I didn't think it was like,

you know, catchy enough, not simple enough. It was in all of these things that a single needs to be. And so when I said it was going to be the single, I knew people are going to be disappointed. And she said, but I have never like the,

she won an award for it. Yeah. best song for it so it obviously did work but she said she said something to the effect of when i've played it safe it hasn't worked out for me when i give people what they want and when i it doesn't work out it's doing the thing that i want to do and trusting my intuition and and trying to be different everyone's telling you to be like other people but the thing that's really going to be different everyone's telling you to be like other people but the thing that's really going to set you apart and make you successful is doing what is uniquely you and so then i heard that i'm like well i should have done my own line so i was getting mixed messages which you always get and which is always kind of my final thought on the

show which is like i get told one thing and then i get told another but i think i did i did a perfect mix of like falling in line when you have to, but also injecting yourself into it and making the most of a moment when you find yourself back to do a corner where you're not going to get to be yourself and being a team player and and knowing the job. My job was not to go in and be Nikki Glaser and be memorable. It was to present an award, keep things tight. I'm a I'm a professional presenter i'm a professional host most of these people presenting awards are like musicians who are still trying to be kind of cool they don't know how to read a prompter my role was to keep the show moving and that's what i did and i hope

i get to do it again i probably will because of that so nice nice you had a choice to make i mean you could you chose you the one choice was do i want to do what the producers and the creators of this show would want or do i want to make like a few more fans basically yes it's both are equal choices yes and i've done the other thing before and i have to say when i try to oftentimes trying to be i mean chris Chris even said it. I would, I would have tried and been trying to be Amy Schumer or Tina Fey in that moment. Cause it isn't like me to go like,

I'm just gonna fucking do what I want. Like I would have been imitating someone else even to be different. So also your joke and your delivery is yours. So it is essentially you. So I was able to make it me because at first the joke was like, or you're just crying at the gym and then it's over. chris was like it's kind of like a crying woman joke like we've heard it it's just like women cry it's just like i don't know and and then when jocelyn hughes a writer changed it and she was like i'm not sad it was just because i want to use the free weights alone uh or whatever that made it like that took it out of that realm

of like oh sad woman crying women cry all the time at the gym and made it way funnier so shout out to connor mcsplatton connor mcsplatton splatton and uh jocelyn hughes who are the writers on that and that wrote that joke with me and um what else so yeah and how exciting what a great night, Nikki. Oh, my God. You're a pro and you're a knockout. Oh, thank you. My glam team did an amazing job. Shout out to Karina. Shout out to Christina.

Shout out to Danny and Emma. But they, yeah, it was really fun getting ready for it. But the best part was, in California, when you shoot these shows, it's over. And then it's still light outside. It started at 5 o'clock. It ended at 8. o'clock it ended at eight and we it or seven it ended at seven it was a two-hour show chris and i were like it's it's still light out yeah and we had a whole night ahead of time and we what'd you say pizza time

what was on the pizza what's happening i went to crossroads which is a vegan place we tried to go to lucifer's but we walked in there was like heavy metal music playing and the sign said no bathrooms and i was like we're leaving so i called another uber and we went to crossroads which is a vegan place we saw um billy corgan oh from smashing pumpkins he's there he's a famous vegan it was bumping up in that place we sat at the bar which i love sitting at the bar in a restaurant because chris does not like to sit on the same side of the table as me when we're dining together that's normal and i like sitting i like being like cuddly and like oh what are you eating and like being a couple but at the bar you're forced to sit next to me and we ate um a pep you know a pepperoni pizza which is so delicious and i got some yeah

it was just really delicious food and then we went home And we watched Love is Blind The new season Which is fantastic Oh my god What I did not know Yeah do you watch Love is Blind Yes

You should watch This new season You guys We gotta talk about it Cause some besties Wrote me Oh update on The Bachelor It's over

If you wanna know What happened Okay Do you I mean sure He picked the girl He picked the girl I said he was gonna pick

He picked the girl He didn't sleep with yeah katie classic classic i mean of course bro speaking of um bachelor sitting next to me at the iheart awards last night was this girl and she was like i'm a huge fan i know bill dixon i know elon which are two bachelor guys but they're my um guys from um uh hold on one second um they're guys from f FBoy Island? Hold on one second. They're guys from FBoy Island. They also created that. So I saw last night Kaylin from The Bachelor, Colton's season, who is now engaged to Dean,

and they met on Bachelor in Paradise. Do you know who that is? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anya? Yes, I do. I know them. They've been together a long time they live in a van she is adorable they're not living in vegas but she is so sweet and um she looked like

reese witherspoon and they're now engaged see that and um she was really nice and i just want to say there is a clip of me though applauding taylor swift at the awards and she got her award and chris was laughing so hard because I could not I was trying to behave myself in every other way I can't squash my inner Swifty I was because Phoebe Bridgers was also there who was like one of my favorite musicians ever and she's presenting to Taylor and I couldn't help but go like we love you I love you like screaming like i know they did and i got a lot of 50s writing to me saying thank you for representing the level of enthusiasm that our girl our blondie deserved because you brought it you weren't too cool you were like jumping up and

down so thank you for that acknowledgement and of course i brought that and i will not disturb our girl i will keep her safe i just kept chris had a video of me just going like you stay away from her i would just see people like lurking torture and i could get away for her she needs to be protected i want to be like on her security team and i will not talk to you taylor i just want to protect you um anyway it was great night and uh that and brian thank you for coming by um we'll see you tomorrow on the podcast too you'll come by oh yeah oh that's tomorrow yeah what time we'll see okay hopefully i don't sound craggly with my fucking voice oh one last thing i got asked to go i just got asked ask my producer from my reality show is now

producing a reality show with paris hilton and she's like hey we're shopping today do you want to be on the show and come by sax and like hang out with taylor and i don't really feel like it or yeah sorry paris or taylor paris equally as impressive i don't feel like it. Is this me being Ian right now and scared? Yes, 100%. What are you going to do instead? Rest. I have a cough.

I have a cold. I have to switch hotels. Then I have to lick my makeup and pick out a cute outfit. What you just said goes against everything you've been saying for the last hour. So I got to go.

I got to do it. And how long is it going to be anyway? I'm so lucky. I am so lucky it all works out. So maybe if I don't go, I'm still lucky and it will all work out. Because I kind of just want a little break today. And I don't feel like going to... I don't know how to dress for shopping at Saks.

It's going to be tough. Or with... I'm telling you, being camera with paris hilton is not fun you look you just look real rough because next to her you're like she's like pristine and she's had hair and makeup if they said if they said you can have her glam team just come we'll help you get ready it'll be no and then i don't want to get ready because that takes too long so they can't get me either way but i do i think i might do it i will see we'll find out tomorrow on the show if i do it and i know you're like i can't believe you're turning down you guys are so funny together on cooking with paris i think it's going

to be great okay maybe i should do it you can sleep when you're dead feel the moment it's done whoa yes that's good seven secrets of successful people that's i will feel tired And like I might have just given Paris COVID I don't have COVID I got tested but I do have something Crackling in my throat Alright guys we gotta go thank you for listening to the podcast We'll see you tomorrow on the show

Don't be cuh And just go film that scene with Paris What are you gonna do instead? Sleep? Yeah, probably. Well, that's a good thing, too. So either way, it's going to work out for you. You're very lucky. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show,

which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.