The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #33 Hey Babe
Episode Date: May 18, 2021Between you and Nikki, she is very much aware of her character defect and what energy she brings on stage. Andrew and Nikki had adventures of their own last night. The headlines remind Nikki of her fi...rst word and her dad corroborates her story. Also, scientists working on the potential to breath from your rectum, cheating and funny auditions. In Top1Bottom1 they each recall a personal moment in sports and Nikki talks about a joke she told on To Tell The Truth in the Final Thought. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Here's Nikki.
Here I am.
Hi, Noah.
Hello.
We're in the same room for the first time since we've started this show.
It feels unreal.
Like, I can't believe I'm seeing you in person.
I know.
Hello.
Welcome to the house I've been living in for the past, I don't know how long.
When did we get in?
A week ago?
Something like that.
Yeah.
I live here now. When I first moved in, I was like, when I first moved in I was like when we first arrived I
was I do this with every new place I live in I make a decision I get there and I'm like I hate it
and I freak out and I go it smells weird like I smell weird smells because it's all in your head
like I the first night we arrived I was just in such a bad mood.
I talked about it on the show.
I was in such a bad mood that, like, I was spending so much money on this place.
And it wasn't, I wanted it to be, like, better decorated.
I don't know what I wanted.
It didn't have the right odor.
And it started smelling because I was upset about it.
And I was like, it smells like shit. But also, Carlisle brought her dog that was farting a lot and i hate dog farts of a dog that i'm like
just haven't been like have don't love yet i mean i do love her dog but it has human eyes and it
freaks me out and it has human farts and so they were like it's not the dog it's just the place and
i was like this place smells like
dog farts and i was so mad and um but now i come home and i'm like i love my house and i like love
it so much so that's just to anyone in my life who constantly deals with my wishy-washiness
let me get through a period of being like i want to leave and I don't want to do this. Just let me
sleep on it. And I will be so attached that I end up buying this house. That's how I work.
I was recently asked by some guy I was talking to of like, what's your worst? What's like the
worst thing about you in a relationship? And I was trying to figure out like oh what would have my ex-boyfriend have said what do what you know trying to answer honestly
not like well sometimes I have morning breath or like I feel like that was a joke and something
but like just some like little flaw like sometimes you know my hair gets frizzy it was like I was
really searching like what's my fucking character defect in a relationship? And it's, I changed my mind a lot. I changed my mind a lot,
but I always land on where I'm supposed to be. So like I, and sometimes I don't, sometimes I do,
you know, I, I will always, I have knee jerk reactions of like, I want him out of my life.
Like whether it's a friend or something like someone's like, I'm done with this.
I reach a point and I'm like, I, and I'm brutal about it.
Or I'm like, I want to leave this hotel.
This is disgusting or whatever.
And then just let me sit with it.
And then I will calm down.
I'll stop smelling the phantom smells.
I will stop thinking that I can never forgive this person when really I can
forgive a house for smells I can forgive myself for paying too much money for a place that really
I'm not gonna be homeless because of how I overspent on this and I can also um forgive
people even though there's I have made those excisions in my life where I've, I like had to fire people that I've loved because it was just
like a bad, like I, I used to have like a, a person that worked on my show and, um, we did it.
He was just like causing me a lot of stress because he was just anxious and he was supposed
to be someone who kind of like put me at ease. Like that was his job. And I was like, this isn't
going to work even though I love you.
And I had to like fire him.
And I don't know if that was for the best, but I did think about it a lot.
But it was a knee jerk that I ended up executing.
Do you know what I'm saying?
I don't even know what I'm talking about.
But I'm wishy-washy.
And I didn't know that about myself until everyone started telling me.
But I changed my mind a lot and um
it's my ex-boyfriend said I think that was the the hardest thing about dating me was that
we would be going to lunch this was an example he gave we would be going to lunch
and I'd be like I really want to invite Lizzie and I want to invite blah blah and I would just
like start inviting people and be like I just want to make it as fun as possible like for this house here I'm like I
want all the rooms filled constantly why not like why not offer this awesome place to like everyone
and then I like keep adding people and then I'm like do I even want them here and then they get
here and I'm like so happy but there's a moment of like why do I do that why do I always like have
to like make these things and put these things into action and then they're happening and I like
regret it and then I get mad at the person that is accepting the thing coming to dinner or whatever
and I'm like I don't even wonder there why did I do that it's like yes I did just trust the moment
anyway um is any of this relatable I mean yes this is I feel like this is called decision paralysis
oh yeah we're constantly bombarded with so many decision making processes that it's it's hard I Oh, yeah. in there before I can truly know what I want yes but sometimes you make a knee jerk and you just
have to deal with the fallout and you can't go why did I do that what Nikki why did you why did
you invite that person why did you agree to that job what like it's like because in the moment I
did want it like we were talking about this last night of like yesterday I was like oh no this was two days ago I had my um Kirsten in town my best friend since fourth grade and like before I got to LA
I just said yes to every set that came in I wasn't really paying attention to the dates I was like I
need to work on the MTV monologue and I accepted sets like after the show already taped and I'm
like why am I doing why am I running around doing five sets in one night when I just taped this award show two nights ago that I was so exhausted from
and it's like because in the time that they ask me I want to so how do you
and I had to do it because they sold tickets with my face on them so I was like I and I want to be
a person of my word but I will say that if I agree to go to a like a thing that when it shows up I don't want to do it I can just be honest like the
other day I was scheduled to do a podcast and I was like I do I looked at the um address right
before I was supposed to be there was like an hour before I was supposed to be there and the
address it was 40 minutes away in an uber and I'm just like annoyed I have to buy my own uber to
this podcast annoyed I'll have to buy it back um annoyed it's so far away it's all my fault though
because she sent the address a week ago so it's like i should have looked at it but i was just
like i don't want to do it i'm gonna be in a bad mood so i wrote her i was like i instead of being
like i almost started drafting a thing of like i don't feel good this morning which is not a lie
because i didn't feel good but i was like you're too far away and i didn't look at the address and this
is my fault i'm sorry and it ended up being fine because i told the truth but um i think this is
what i'm talking about though like you have so many offers coming at you it's like going to a
department store and trying to and and figuring out what shirt you're gonna buy there's so many
things for you that it's, it's.
And they're all people that I really want to do the things like the people I would have dreamed
of asking me to do this thing before. So it's hard to turn down or they're my friends who have
done that show every time I've been in town for the past 10 years. And so how am I suddenly turning
it down now? And it's a fun night, but I will say that Friday night I went to a show and there were there was potential of like
uh people being there that I was like attracted to and like wanting to be like what you know like
I was telling you this yesterday I wanted to take Friday night off because Thursday night was the
awards they went great and then I go on Friday night. I was like,
I'm taking the night off. But then, you know, I wanted to hang out with, uh, David Spade and,
uh, he was going to Theo's show. That was like this fun outdoor show and Andrew was on it and
it was going to be a hang a hang and I go I'll just
go hang and I don't want to do a set I invited some friends Kirsten was in town it was such a
fun hang backstage because backstage you could watch the show but they can't hear you so you
could talk through the whole damn thing when usually like when you're like with a crowd of
comedians in the back you have to like watch the show even though we don't want to watch comedy most of the time.
I mean, we all watched Theo's set and it was fucking hilarious.
And Spade's set was insanely good too.
And they made me not want to go up because I'm so just grasping at new ideas
that I'm just not going to be as strong as these guys.
And I didn't want to go up because there was like someone coming
that I like have a crush on that I was like,
I don't want to be up there like so
like it's just that's my masculine energy killing it in my job woman and that's not who I want to
be in a relationship who was I telling this to yesterday me but I was telling someone else that
they didn't get it they could not grasp it I know you grasp that for sure I did Rick Lastman's
podcast two days ago and I was explaining this to him and he was like, well, then aren't you yourself on stage?
And I'm like, yes, but in a relationship, I'm like, I just want to be like a girl that doesn't
have like, you know, hot takes. And I want to make hot cakes, not hot takes in a relationship.
Of course I want to be like stand up for myself and all
those things but the energy I have when I am in a relationship is the not on stage so if you're
attracted to me on stage and that's not one of the way I'm not gonna boss you around in bed like
that I'm not gonna be like that I am like a little girl in a relationship that just wants to be like
wants to have my feelings met not feelings heard not my thoughts respected like
on stage i'm like getting my thoughts people are like wow she's smart and funny and then when i
get off stage i want people to be like she's so cute and sensitive and all those things i want
that if that makes sense so i i didn't want to go up and theo's like please nikki go up please
however he talks and um gang gang uh whatever I love that Theo is like a
deeper voiced Carlisle yes Carlisle was like Nikki go up you can go up and I was like I don't want to
Carlisle because I just wanted I want the night off I want to be able this new post-covid Nikki
wants to be able to take a goddamn night off of comedy even though I'm hanging out at a comedy club just because there's a stage doesn't mean I need to be on it
but then the people start chanting Nikki no they didn't but I Carlisle needed to practice a set
for an audition the only way I knew that I was going to be able to finagle her a set on the show
was if I offered up myself to as a package deal, it's much like how publicists work.
Yeah. You can, if you do a piece with Nikki, we'll give you Beyonce kind of thing. Like that's,
so I did the same thing. I go, Theo. Okay. I'll go up. If you let Carl, I'll go up. So I took the bullet for my friend and I begged the room of people, including the, the potential guy that
I was like kind of into and wanted only
to see me in a feminine way, even though he had also seen me host, he'd seen me do standup. It's
not like these guys, cause Rick was like, so these guys should never see you do standup. I'm like,
it's not that I just, I was in an energy that night of like flirty and like being like the way
I am in a relationship, like inviting and like submissive. And then when I go on stage,
it just wrecks all that. So I went on stage and I begged them not to watch. And then I came back
off stage and they all did this fake, like, it was almost like a middle school play where they're
like murmur. Like, you know, there's like, I remember to kill a mockingbird in middle school.
They were like, everyone like, you know, then talk amongst yourselves and everyone goes murmur,
murmur, murmur, murmur. That's how murmur got to be you say that enough and it sounds like talking and they were all doing that
and I walk back in I go fuck you all I know this they all laughed so hard because they were like
we watched that was great I'm like no it wasn't you don't know I'm not I didn't ask you not to
watch because I'm not gonna be funny of course I am it's because I want this person to potentially
look at me like a girlfriend or like whatever that not that I'm even thinking that far but like it should be on the table I always want to I want to separate
those two now and I don't think I have in the past so that's what I've learned from you too
Noah oh thanks I mean you're the one that's really echoed these things that we've heard in the book
that have worked for me personally yes it's hard do though. It's hard to separate those two. Yeah.
Because the one has gotten us so far ahead
and gotten us so much in life being like,
I know who I am and I know what I want.
Career wise.
The kind of men I like do not,
that's not what they,
and people go,
so you want to be submissive
and you have to hide away a part of yourself.
It's not that.
I don't want to be that in a relationship.
I don't want to boss a man around. I want to be bossed around. Right. It's not that. I don't want to be that in a relationship. I don't want to boss a man around.
I want to be bossed around.
Right.
It's not even about bossing,
but it's not even about the kind of guys that you want.
It's just about the energy that you want to bring to a relationship.
It's not even about a person.
It's what you bring to our relationship.
It all makes sense because I've never been attracted to people who are like,
I saw you on stage last night and you were just so killer.
And I'm just like, I know I'm good, but that doesn't make me horny. And I don't even
want to hear you say you were so hot on stage. Like it's still like I was in, um, on stage,
I am not trying to be sexy at all. Unless, you know, back when I used to have a crush on
comedian, they'd be in the room. And I knew that I didn't even know about this energy thing. So I
would try to like, maybe like stand in a hot hot way but I was never with my material trying to be
like seductive that's when guys get like horny from me talking about sex on a podcast or something
like the other day I was on Theo's podcast and we were talking about really horny stuff because I
was giving tips on how to like make women have a better time in bed and I killed it on those tips
by the way I have so many dms from guys that were like I just used the thing where I told her not to come and didn't give her permission to come and he was
like it was so many people writing in that those tips are great but I could tell that Theo was
kind of getting like uncomfortable because it was getting horny I was you know if I would let
myself I could get horny too and I hate that when I'm trying to be funny and there's horniness but
I also and I don't mind being funny in bed but it's's a different kind of funny. I rest my case. Let's get Andrew in here.
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Hello, Andrew.
Whoa.
What?
You sound...
What?
Hello, Andrew.
Hello, Nikki.
Hello.
Hello.
It's the only voice.
Why did you hide upstairs all morning?
Come again?
Yeah.
I mean, is that what you
were doing up there came again i'm trying to think coming again did you just jerk off up there no i
didn't i swear i don't have my hand i swear i bet you anything last night before you went i bet you
were saving up your stock last night i bet until but when i saw you last night noah we all were
here last night before andrew left to go bowling with a bunch of comedians.
I bet your stock was saved.
Would I save it for men bowling?
No, no, no.
I just think that it wasn't you.
It was just a coincidence.
I think that your stock was not, it was up,
based on your energy last night,
just that I felt in the kitchen.
Is that correct?
When was the last time you jerked off?
I'm just trying to see if I can predict i know i'm just thinking i'm thinking it's hard
because i only do it like four every four days i think i last time i jerked off i did my stock
is full right now okay so it was full last night and it's even fuller this morning if you really
want to know what are you gonna do with it oh it's coming out of your pores and your face. You're looking dewy.
It's out of my armpits.
Why every four days, bro?
Look, for...
And how are you sleeping with that?
You getting wetties?
I cut a hole in the mattress and I sleep on my stomach.
That would be like really fun to just sleep with.
Would it feel good to sleep with your penis inside something?
Because sometimes after I hook up with a guy, I just want to hold his penis all night long.
They should make little blankets.
I mean, I guess condoms could be that, but little blankets for your penis.
I used to just want to like hold it as I go to sleep.
Like a limp.
Oh, like a stress ball.
Yeah.
No, just like, just I feel like we're holding hands.
But I just like, I love it so much that I just want to keep it.
But does that feel weird? And would you ever fall asleep inside a woman and that would
that feel weird i mean after you've come you know like there is an insecurity of like having a
shriveled penis having a shriveled no not in a woman but a shriveled penis in a woman's hand
because if you're a grower which guys with pathetic dicks say yeah uh your dick can get
smaller throughout the night and then
you have no blood flow and then you're she's feeling a little bit and has seen your full
penis before like she knows better yeah and like yeah and my vagina can get so inflated from the
um what's it called the wand that if i share that with someone they can share with me
my their tiny shovel penis i love you sound like a witch the wand the wand i mean
the things it does it turns my vagina into a bullfrog like it's like the way the witches will
be like and i shall curse you for a thousand years like it is like that my last night i used it and i
was like oh no we're gonna have some we're gonna have a jellyfish on our hands down there today
and it's not too puffed up, but it is like...
Wait, why did you use the wand last night?
Because I was horny.
Yeah, Noah coming back into the house knowing that there was...
Well, you weren't around.
You were still bowling.
So I was like, okay, so I can...
I don't feel as gross that there's like someone right...
Because in our home in St. Louis, we have a long ways.
Like I'm tucked away.
So I never feel...
My pussy ain't tucked we all know that oh boy
that thing's running around no it it's like fantastic i'm so proud of my vagina i'm like
very accepting of my vagina now all the things i used to say about it uh i take back but i validate
them because they do i i can let every woman know that you can end up liking your vagina if i'm able
to like mine even though it there's nothing not to like about it i just was insecure about things that were in my head and on uh and hanging out of my yeah vagina and yeah
but anyway um that's great that you've come to that no it's great i have like an amazing vagina
like i can't wait to share with everyone i have none of that like what if he doesn't like like
it's awesome um and that's not just me being like dove body
positivity like it's legit good i've never had bad reviews so this whole idea in my head that
it's something that it isn't there are days that it's not great i mean ashley hasseltine and i
have that same thing of what did she call it oh summer puss or something it was something like
it was um she had some word for it but some days of the month your vagina just looks a little different it just like is just like not as good but as long
as i'm shaving frequently and keeping it and getting the dust in the toilet paper off it
every so often looks great however so last night i did i did do it last night i told no i was going
to i was like how long did it were my labia i've been doing an
hour no you've been doing hour stretches no last night i got it done in um probably 45 minutes but
i was having fun the whole time because i was watching like all these videos and just like
having a good time it's i miss my ladies i was telling noah that like when i'm in a relationship
and hooking up a lot i their nights like there was recently i was like hooking up with
someone and it was like no nights off and i was like one night we had like we couldn't meet up
and i was sad but i was also like i gotta go see my ladies in the dungeon gotta go check on them
i gotta go refill your toys are females no my ladies the my porn oh all the girls in the dungeon
i gotta go refill their water bowls they've been down there it's almost like when you know these
perverts
keep young women in their basement,
you know, that guy in Cleveland.
And I recently read a book
where a girl was stored in a basement
by this crazy woman
and she was terrified
that the woman would get hit by a car or something
because the only person
that knew the woman was down there was her.
And so this woman would starve to death
if this woman didn't come back.
So that's how those women look at me.
I feel like I have to do a check-in on them
and I go, I'm so sorry I left you alone so long.
It's like when you leave your dog in the crate
for too long and you get caught up
and you're like, oh, I'm so sorry.
Usually I only leave you for five hours tops.
Today was eight and then I have to pee
and then you go, you know,
and then instead of pee, it's squirt.
Anyway, I checked on my ladies last night.
You're cheating on your porn with a real person.
With a real person with a real person
and i felt like i needed in a relationship i think i will want to go visit my ladies every now and
again like i wouldn't mind like beat it i want to hang out with my toys and my ladies and you feel
like that's not cheating at all no and i don't think a guy if a guy wanted to go hang out with
his ladies in porn and i was like down the hall. I'd be a little pissed.
But like I will always prefer in person.
But it was a nice thing to be like, oh, I'm glad this restaurant's closed.
That is always fine dining.
I want to go eat at Applebee's.
I do like Applebee's.
Can I ask a question?
Yeah.
When you wandered up, do you do different positions?
Oh, I'm just on my back.
The whole time?
All 45 minutes?
Yeah. Oh oh i thought maybe
you would sit on it it's like i started with outside the comforter i did this all on i think
i covered it on sex with emily this podcast i did but i start with the wand outside the comforter
and then i go inside the comforter and then i'm like and then when i'm ready to like okay we're
ready to come i like find the other thing and i turned on last night one of my vibrators was dead so i had to go for the other one that goes it it goes like this you
know it goes she's doing the the ansari i think that's what yeah the the hook the um it goes
and it's a little bit bigger so i'm just like ah and i got but i was really horned up so uh
but it's the the funniest so it's inside you yes inside you? Yes. Doing the G-spot?
Not, well, I don't really know,
but it's just like making,
I can hold it in place so that it feels,
if I can imagine it,
it feels like someone's doing it to me
and I'm not doing it to myself
because that's like the best thing about it.
But the frequency is so funny.
I recorded the sound at one point the other night
because I wanted you guys to hear how funny the sound was. this is how billy eilish made her latest album they always say that they're like
i got this sound from a car uh hitting the brakes while a bird chirped i think it's this
oh no that was me trying to play guitar
that's so funny.
Oh my God.
It must be this one.
49 seconds.
Is that how long I did it?
Nope.
That's hilarious.
I did record it the other night and I was like,
made sure to not make any kind of noise.
Oh, here it is.
Okay.
One more try.
No, what the hell?
What the fuck was that doing comedy
oh man and i think these ones oh maybe it's this okay one more
i don't know why these will record longer than 27 seconds okay no never mind that wasn't it either
but i recorded it oh my god it goes right but it changes frequency so sometimes you hear different things and i'm not
even kidding you one time a lot of times it's been like read more read more read more read more like
whatever you need to hear this thing will tell you it's like tarot um so anyway yeah i had some
fun last night i i definitely but i don't think i actually let myself uh have one it was just like
an extended one throughout the whole time and then i was like i'm tired when do you know in the style you're just tired um yeah i'm just like i
am done yeah i'm just like have you ever been masturbating and uh i've had this before where
i'll be like halfway in and i'll just be like my penis is in my hand like and it'll like weird me
out a little bit that i'm because Because think about if you were stroking
any other part of your body for 40,
it's kind of weird to self massage yourself.
Yeah, I don't touch myself with my hand though.
Oh, so you keep it separate.
Yeah.
Yeah, so yeah.
It's like the stranger where you sit on your hand
and you suck your friend's dick.
Isn't that what it is?
Dan Mintz has that joke. No, there's one. Oh, really? Where he's like, where you sit on your hand and you suck your friend's dick. Is that what it is? Dan Mintz has that joke.
No, there's one.
Oh, really?
Where he's like, where you sit on your hand
and then you jerk someone else off.
Oh, really?
It's better.
I heard one where...
Than the one I just said.
Oh, I hear one where it's...
I don't know.
Actually, I was just talking to a friend.
Maybe this wasn't someone...
There was someone else's joke, but like,
I was thinking that if you sat on your own penis, so you
make your penis numb.
That's it.
That's it.
So you feel like you're jerking off a stranger.
That was Dan Mintz's joke.
Oh, really?
He's like, I do this thing where I sit on my penis until it's numb so that I feel like
I'm jerking off a stranger.
Dan Mintz is one of the funniest comedians of all time.
You guys got to look him up if you haven't.
He does the voice of the funniest comedians of all time You guys gotta look him up if you haven't He does the voice of
The daughter on Bob's Burgers
The girl who talks like this
What I was gonna say
To you
It's the same thing as sometimes I'll do that on stage
Or I used to
I remember being at the cellar a couple times on stage
And I go
I'm holding a microphone and everyone's looking at me
You have this moment of like What is happening right now a couple times on stage and i go i'm holding a microphone and everyone's looking at me you have
this moment of like yes what is happening right now it's almost sometimes when you're walking
upstairs and you go i'm on stairs and then you can't do the stairs and you like trip does that
ever happen to you guys yes yeah on stage it's happening if you think about stairs you can't do
it but if you're just in the zone of like i'm like you don't think about it it's fine like if you
were walking on a balance beam if you're if
you needed to walk a straight line that was written on the ground you wouldn't fall if you
weren't drunk right but if that was suddenly a hundred feet in the air you'd be like yeah it's
like the con it's like how you percept perceive it that's yeah that's so true and i think you know
you do stand up you don't even know the mics in your hand i couldn't i wouldn't even you know you do stand up. You don't even know the mics in your hand. I couldn't. I wouldn't even, you know, you do stand up long enough.
You don't know the mics in here.
You don't know where you're staying.
Nothing.
You're not thinking at all.
Yeah.
Well, the other night I did the MTV movie and TV awards unscripted, which comes out tonight.
I hope that everyone watches it.
It's probably like on in several hours from when you're hearing this.
So make sure to watch it on MTV.
And I was wearing for the opening.
I was wearing this white low
cut thing and I needed in my stylist or like, just have your shoulders back, like stay up straight.
And, and the guy also gave me a microphone was like, don't hold it at the tip. And I'm at the
bottom and I go, I'm not going to think about either of those things while I'm performing.
Like they are not on my mind. Like you can tell me to have good posture, but it is a fluke. If it
happens, I want to give that to you to make the stress look as amazing as possible, but it is a fluke if it happens i i want to give that to you to make this dress look
as amazing as possible but it ain't gonna happen because that is just i can't think of all those
things but there are times there was one time when i was on stage and i thought for the mtv award no
this was for like on stage and i was just like it's wild to me that i am holding a microphone
and there are adult people that are older than me and like smarter than me all in this crowd that
paid and they have to be quiet and listen to me who i have no education like there's nothing i
shouldn't be able to talk on a microphone and tell these people things and if they talk if a doctor
stands up and is like i have a cure for cancer people be like get the fuck out of here she's
talking about her pussy and he'll get thrown out yeah a doctor yeah because I am up there talking about
jerking off in the college or whatever it is.
It's like, that is so funny to me.
Well, it's because you're the complete opposite of a doctor.
Like no one, people aren't,
well, some people are coming.
I disagree with that, honestly.
Okay, I didn't mean it like you can't be a doctor.
You're not as smart as a doctor.
I meant like people, people don't want to think about getting diagnosed. So I can't be a doctor you're not as smart as a doctor i meant like people it's
people don't want to think about getting diagnosed they don't want to think about getting diagnosed
did you hear my joke i'm sorry i have empathy so i couldn't be a doctor oh yeah well it's hard to
have empathy as a doctor if your patients are dying all the time you have to shut it off that's
what i'm saying if doctors are listening i know you started out with empathy but now you don't
have it because you watch too many people die yeah Yeah. My dad being a cancer doctor, he can't, he, he just like, yeah.
I mean, at first, like he would be like, he'd become friends with his patients, like a breast
cancer patient.
And yeah, I mean, they all die.
That's why vet veterinarians have the highest rate of suicide because they get into it because
they love animals.
And then all day, all they do is put down animals.
Oh shit.
And so the people think it's dentists, but it's actually veterinarians because they love animals and then all day all they do is put down animals oh shit and so people think it's dentists but it's actually veterinarians because they're the most animal
lovers are just people bursting with empathy for like creatures and then they get into it they're
like i love animals and then they just kill them all day and deal with like see horrible things of
abuse and just neglect and it's just just makes you so depressed so how can you you shut it off
yeah but then how do you shut it on
or shut it on,
turn it on with your family?
Well, that's what I'm saying with me
when I was talking to you the other night,
I had someone at that show
that I didn't want to go on stage for
because I wanted to be in my girlfriend
and like the feminine energy of like,
I'm flirty, I'm a girl, I'm vulnerable,
come get me.
And then Theo's's like go on stage
nikki whatever how gang gang and i'm like i don't want it when i was like do it it's like it's not
because i'm scared i won't kill in front of this person i like i don't give a fuck about that i
care about coming off like a dude in front of this guy i like and not that stand-up is dude like oh
shit that's why i didn't go up i know i'm gonna kill i don't care if you
guys watch me if he weren't there i didn't wouldn't care if the comics watched me it was
because i didn't want that guy not because he wouldn't be like of course that guy respects me
and it's like you're amazing i mean he was at the the awards the night before but like
the next night like i just didn't want to do stand-up i just was like i want to be
flirty and like but if in a stand-up vibe i just have to
be like i gotta analyze the world and like tell it like it is and it's just yeah no i now i see
why you didn't but you don't have to do that you don't have to switch it off for girls i've done
sets i've had a girl come and i've and i'm i could be pretty self-deprecating where i think a girl
will be turned off by me oh like self-deprecating on stage think a girl will be turned off by me. Oh, like self-deprecating on stage.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's interesting.
You're almost like more,
cause when male,
male comics are feminine energy up there.
And that's what that one woman told me.
Cause I told this one woman,
I,
the woman that wrote the book getting to,
I do,
that is the worst name and I'm not trying to get to,
I do.
I just want to like figure out how to maybe have a committed relationship.
Stop freaking out people who are listening to this,
that I might like.
Um, she said that like, i i i asked her about um i was like i have a crush on a male comedian and i know i probably shouldn't date them because that's
masculine energy and i'm a masculine energy woman she goes no they're feminine that's a man who does
stand up as feminine energy and a woman who does stand up as masculine energy i'm like what so when
you get on stage and you're like telling all these vulnerable stories that is very feminine energy for you and so women who might
but you want to be a masculine in a relationship i think i mean someone somewhere in the middle
probably you can't be in the middle it's too complex i mean i guess i should just become one
of those comedians that speaks truth.
That's what you do, though. And then I get fucked so much.
No, but like, yeah, this is how it is.
Andrew Schultz?
All right, let's get to the news.
You heard it here first.
You heard it here first.
Yeah, you heard it here first.
I know that's who you're thinking of when you did that impression.
No?
Maybe not.
You weren't doing a good impression of him.
But like, that doesn't mean.
It was a
generality oh man first of all i hope you all had a great weekend i'm sure you had all the swells
out there and you're having a fun time on a monday okay here we go a car burst into flames when a
driver used hand sanitizer while smoking i mean this is wild whoa that is is that a cop car why is the top of the
car white and the body of it's black who knows well hand sanitizer is highly flammable it contains
a large amount of alcohol combined with the closed non-ventilated car and a cigarette you can have a
recipe for disaster how has that not happened before?
People are always using hand sanitizer and smoking.
I mean, this is a total fluke.
I don't think we need to be scared that this could happen to you.
You don't need to add another thing for people to be terrified of.
I mean, how did this really happen?
Well, let's see.
Well, there's video, apparently.
A closed non-ventilated car a cigarette you have a recipe
for disaster the motorist was immediately transported the hospital okay well that's
where did this happen in maryland oh classic maryland i mean are you scared of um i mean
here's another way you could die from smoking cigarettes. Add it to the list. Emphysema, your car explodes
because you're trying to keep your hands clean.
I hate the smell.
Also, when you use your phone and pump gas,
can't your phone, like somehow that causes...
That's another old wives' tale.
People, I'm sorry, these whole things of like,
you can't do this.
It's like, this is totally a fluke.
People are scared.
Why is it called a wives' tale?
Because wives would be like, to protect their children,
they probably made up things that were scary.
Like when my mom told me that if you go down to the river,
you will die.
When we lived on a river when I was a child.
If you go down there, you will die.
And I'd be like, okay, mom, I'll never go down there.
Then my dad would get home from work and be like,
Nick, let's go down the river.
I'd be like, no!
And he'd be like, why is she so scared of the river?
My mom's like, I don't know.
So that's wives tale. I mean, is that a good thing to do to a child at all you should just watch your child to make sure they don't go down to the river that's why my first word as a as a child was
dangerous and i'm not joking you my first multi-syllabic word was dangerous dangerous
and i used to point at things that were dangerous and I was scared of everything. And I was terrified. And then when my sister was born, my parents didn't have the
same kind of like fears. So no one was telling her things were dangerous. So I had to be the
one. Her first word was courageous, courageous. Nikki, shut up. Nikki, shut up. I got this,
Nikki. Yeah. So I was scared of everything, but yeah, that's old wives tales is I think just to
protect their children because the world is scary and you i do it sometimes yeah i mean well you
know you could probably tell a kid like the river can be such a happy place too like that's the
thing like not the one i grew up yeah you will die if you go down to it i'm not even kidding you i
would shriek in horror where my dad would be like let's get in the kayak go down and i and now i hate camping and outdoors things you wonder goddamn why my mom
just because she wanted my mom to watch soap operas instead of watching me yeah no offense mom
but that's kind of true she's like be afraid of the river the woods a date in the woods any man
that's what she did she told me that if a man if i was alone with a boy they would rape me
so like all these things i was that's why i'm scared of men i'm scared of being alone with men
it's like and it's not my mom's fault she just wanted me to be safe and had no other tools to
get me to make sure i was safe you know back then they couldn't just give you an ipad
no and you know what i mean like nowadays you go oh you gotta like we had tv that's true that
really worked i mean i did watch a lot of tv but i did too i watched so i was scared of tv i was
scared of everything why were you afraid of the tv oh dude my parents tell a story when i was
really young i was watching sesame street and this is a common thing noah look it up snuffleupagus
in the uh mid 80s tough word snuffle up for you snuffle up i guess in the mid
80s was a terrifying puppet and i used to be watching sesame seed and then i would run
type in stuff a lot i guess um scary okay because they had to change the design of snuffle up i
guess because so many kids were getting frightened by it so i used to be terrified look at this thing look wait that's that's a
this thing it's just so scary and like it's like too big it's like droopy i think that's why i'm
scared of penises too like it's all snuffle up because uncircumcised penis like i used to
be terrified it's too big and it, like, its eyes are creepy.
So I would run and-
The fur looks like trash.
It looks like it's dirty compared to the other ones.
I almost want to call my dad and get the recount of how scared I used to be.
Can I call him really quick?
Of course.
What if it was the sound of my vibrator that we've been looking for all along?
And then my dad picks up and he goes,
Hi, Dad.
Hey, babe.
Hey, we're recording the podcast.
Yeah, you call me babe. Was that weird? And my mom's on, too. Hi, dad. Hey, we're recording. Hey, babe.
Yeah, you call me babe.
Was that weird?
And my mom's on too.
Hi, guys.
I had to call you babe.
Andrew.
Hey, baby.
Hey, baby cakes, daughter.
Oh, no, that's not.
That's not.
Hey, Andrew.
How you doing?
Hey, you hot old man with nice nipples.
Hey, speaking of schnuggums, you guys, I Hey, you hot old man with nice nipples. Hey, speaking of Schnuggums, you guys,
I was just telling the story on the podcast of being horrified as a child of everything.
And I want you to tell me what happened one day
when I was watching Sesame Street.
And you guys, like, you remember.
I wasn't there, but it happened multiple times.
Like, your mom would be in the kitchen,
and you would be watching Sesame Street by yourself. all of a sudden you would come running in completely
horrified completely scared and we couldn't figure out what it was and your mom's like
because i couldn't talk yet right yeah you yeah you were just just you know looking perplexed and
i would cry here and then your, finally, after three or four times
you doing that,
your mom ran in
to see what it might have been
on the television
that you were watching.
And sure enough,
it was Snuffleupagus.
We just pulled up a picture.
Dad,
I've investigated this
and I was not the only child.
They had to redo
his whole costume
because kids were freaked
out by him.
So if any of my besties
out there were also scared of Snuffleupagus
in the mid to late 80s,
you are not alone.
And...
I know. Snuffleupagus
was creepy.
I commiserated
with you wholly on that one.
Okay. Well, we got to get to the next news story. Thank you
for corroborating my story. All right. Bye.
Bye, babe. Bye, baby.
You think it's weird my dad calls me babe? No. I just thought it was funny to make fun of okay now i'm like god should i look
into that okay next story uh next story scientists developed a method allowing lab animals to breathe
from their rectum i saw a girl breathing from her rectum last night on my porn
i mean i'm not even kidding you.
That thing was opening and closing in a way that I was like,
it looked like a blowhole.
The sea was angry that day, my friends.
Like an old man in a deli tried to send back soup.
That's a Seinfeld reference.
But honestly, it was crazy.
So you can breathe through your rectum?
What animals are doing this?
You know, I was against animal animal testing and now i'm into it
yeah if that's if that's the next forefront
waste again that's crazy yeah you could give a blow job and breathe through your ass
or i can get anal and breathe through my mouth oh wait never mind the japanese scientist who
began research when his dad got lung cancer pumped oxygen up the rectums
of oxygen deprived mice and pigs a procedure is too painful for humans since the intestine had
to be scraped his research showed that intestines can absorb oxygen when he squirted oxygen pack
liquid into the rectum i'm glad we're doing this thing to animals that's too excruciating for humans.
So let's do it to animals.
Did you guys hear that?
Did you hear that the mice started walking around again?
It did work for mice.
Fine, but it's not.
It starts like that and then they.
I don't care.
Then do it to humans if it's so excruciating.
Why don't you do it to yourself, doctor?
That's the thing.
We just do things to animals that are like, it's too painful for humans.
Let's do it to an animal.
It's like, do you think animals have feelings?
I do think they have feelings, but I mean, it's the greater good to save women, to save
people's lives, to save your dad's life because a mouse can breeze through his asshole.
But then you'd have, like, can you imagine being treated for that and you are breathing
through your rectum for the rest of your life?
I mean, is it worth it?
It'd be pretty cool to smoke cigarettes through there.
Just don't use hand sanitizer.
Okay, well, I'm glad that we have another way
that you could breathe
if someone's like choking you or something
or like trying to strangle you.
Okay, my mom, for example,
she can't breathe normally through her mouth.
If my mom...
Was able to get oxygen through her rectum? That'd be so cool. Oh my God. But she couldn't wear normally through her mouth. If my mom was able to get oxygen through her rectum,
that'd be so cool.
Oh my God.
I couldn't wear pants in public.
That's the problem.
You can't get in.
Oh my God.
I,
I need to get retrained in CPR.
What would you wear?
You'd wear pants cut with a little hole for,
with a straw.
I'm sure there would be,
I bet.
I'm sure your mom,
if this was a thing that
could save people that have no
lung capacity anymore I think
it would probably be like a tube up your ass
that's breathing and putting oxygen in your butt
feel good
my mom like starts doing like Zumba again
what is that
this new procedure I mean that would be amazing if this could help your mom but
i just the the fact that that little line of it was too painful for humans so we did it to pigs
it's like fuck everyone i get all y'all they just treat animals like they're robots it's just
disgusting next story all right uh olivia munn said she was
obsessed with john mulaney years ago uh one of these where it's like katie holmes said she wanted
to date tom cruise in 17 magazine in 1997 and then she married him uh what's his name a rod
once said on the red carpet that his dream girl was j-lo cut to always with j-lo like these things
coming true nicky glazer once was in love with d Matthews. He left his wife and his family and now
they're together.
Yeah, I mean she emailed him when he was engaged.
She would say like I would love to take them
both out.
Like to dinner. Like she wrote to them.
She was flirting with them kind of.
She started as a couple.
But she was too hot to like
you could be too hot to do that.
You can't be like how about we have a threesome
it's like yeah i do i want to john mulaney's uh john you're john and i'm john's wife yeah
and you're talking to me about um hey so olivia wants to go out with us yeah yeah wait are you
john or my john um i can be john okay i'll be i'll be i'll be her i'll be like so i just got that i don't know i
mean he's usually probably off stage he's like i just got this email um yeah here let's do it
we'll just we don't have to do the voices so um babe uh you know yes dad you know
i don't want to do this role play hold on let's just talk about this
when John Mulaney got an email
or a DM from Olivia Munn being like I'd love
to hang out with you and your wife and then he
presented it to his wife yes
you know he was like god I can't believe my wife
has to go like
yes I'm sorry
I don't John's my
friend like you know we're friendly so I don't want to make any
assumptions about this but the last thing you want is for Olivia Munn to want to be friends
with you and your boyfriend, and honestly, I am friends with people as hot as Olivia Munn,
and I would bring my boyfriend around them, if there were any troubles in my relationship,
no dice, we're not doing that, and if Olivia Munn was, like, just obsessed with the art that my
boyfriend puts out.
I mean, it's just, it's, it's, you're asking for trouble. And at that point I'd go, just go, you know what?
Just explore this because I know that you are into her.
I'm not even kidding you.
If this happened to me where I knew that my boyfriend and we're not,
we're on shaky ground already, because this would only happen if it was like,
if a guy loves you enough, he can, anyone could come on to him and he can be like, he
can have integrity enough to go.
I would like to, but I'm not going to, cause it's too, it's risking losing this relationship
with this girl that doesn't look as good as this other one.
But you know, but if there's a problem in your relationship already, boy, this is the
cigarette smoke and the fucking, or the cigarette and the hand sanitizer to blow it up.
I would go.
She likes you.
I know you're attracted to her.
Go, go explore it.
Go explore it.
And you let me know if that's worth it to you.
I because the last thing I would do is stop it, because if you stop it, he's just going
to.
And I'm not saying that anyone did anything wrong here. And I'm I'm speaking totally hypothetically in a situation I've never been in
so I don't know how it but I would hope to go she likes you I know you're attracted to her because
who the fuck isn't go at it go at it and you tell me if it's gonna be go and you know I it would be
very painful but I would have to just like let it go but that being friends with a couple it's going to be, go and, you know, it would be very painful, but I would have to just, like, let it go.
But being friends with a couple, it's...
Well, yeah, and also there's, like, nothing worse than no...
Yeah, like, the idea that you're with that person knowing Olivia Munn is into you.
You know what I mean?
Like, yes, experience it rather than hold it over...
You know as a girl when a girl is into your guy.
And I'm usually very
turned on but i mean i would be fucking so horned up if olivia munn was trying to fuck my boyfriend
that i felt secure with if i didn't feel secure with him i would just go well this is probably
over yeah if like david beckham or like whatever whoever your like idea crushes is like hey nikki
i love you let me take you and your husband out to dinner he's not
wanting to he's not talking to the husband yeah it makes it innocent and flirty he's saying i want
to fuck you in the kitchen well i or whatever had a guy that i was like very like my boyfriend knew
was like a dream person of mine kind of flirt with me yeah and i told my boyfriend i had a
flirty interaction and i know it seems
crazy your boyfriend hated it and i go i bet you i have a feeling he might slide in my dms i'm just
letting you know but i did that because i wanted to bring him in on it and make him a part of it
as opposed to lying and being like and handling it on my own those are one where i think you've
got to keep that to yourself i know i just don't think, like a person has to be so strong to handle that.
He asked me to tell him the next thing that happened
and he was like,
I don't,
because there were guys that would flirt with me
and I would try to handle it on my own
because I wasn't interested in these guys
or maybe a little bit,
but maybe they were powerful enough
that I was like,
I don't want to be mean to them
so I'll flirt a little bit
but I'm not going to like ever do anything
that would be cheating,
you know?
And my boyfriend found out
and he was like we can just
bring me in on it you don't have to be mean to them we can just like joke about that they like
you and we can handle it together and be like what should you write back to him and it can be our
thing as opposed to you and him against keeping me out and so that's why i did the next time and he
was annoyed by it but it wasn't by any means something that we fought about it was way worse when i hit it from him way worse i mean he never he maybe never forgave me for the time
that this guy slid in and i just the guy was like trying to flirt with me and he was like send me a
picture and so i sent him a picture of me after i got hit by a car the day before and i was in the
i had sent it to my boyfriend i was just like oh like i look disgusting so i sent him this selfie
that i had taken my boyfriend found out he was like you sent him a selfie i was just like oh like i look disgusting so i sent him this selfie that i had taken my
boyfriend found out he was like you sent him a selfie i was like but it was one where it looked
disgusting i was just trying to like give him what he wanted without you know and he was like i really
wish you would have just told me and then we could have just fucked around with it and been like i
can't believe this guy wants to bang you let's just like fuck with him but sending the ugly version
of you is kind of like olivia munn being like let me take you both out to dinner
like you're still showing him attention even if it's not a hot photo you're still like and that
was his point that was his point and i didn't realize that i was just trying to do the thing
that wouldn't make him mad if he got if i got caught that because i didn't wasn't into this
guy you know uh let's get to why do i care why do i I care? All right. So Seth Rogen says the weirdest audition he ever had.
Oh, I heard this.
Was for Eminem's 8 Mile movie.
Wait, can I tell the story?
Yeah, please do.
Because I read it last night.
Yeah.
Okay, so him and Jason Segel went in to audition for the same role of a character named.
Oh.
It was a funny name.
It's like Trick Track or something.
It's like some dumb name and they both
went in but the audition required you to it doesn't matter the audition required you it doesn't matter
andrew to listen to me yeah the the audition which usually you go in and you read and there's a
casting director who reads the other m&ms lines and then you play the trick track line or whatever
you do that but in this audition you had to bring
in a friend to read it with you for some reason so they both brought in each other because they
both had to the audition they practiced so hard and they both went into this audition jason siegel
and seth rogan and they were laughing so hard during the whole audition because they they were
giggling they couldn't stop cracking up because they couldn't believe that one of them was playing
eminem and one of them was playing Eminem.
And one of them was playing this guy that like this,
this guy that's like,
apparently there's like a confrontation with a gun.
Like it's supposed to be this like really highly charged scene.
And they're both just like,
what are we doing this for?
And they laughed,
they laughed so hard that they had to like stop the audition and like leave
the room.
And it was like,
is that basically the story?
They started laughing hysterically and literally couldn't make it through the
auditions,
but that would be so fun to be able to bring in a friend.
You went into audition with me one time.
Yeah.
I,
I just think rap in general is like the opposite of comedy.
You know,
like it has to be taken so serious and like,
like this is a rap movie,
even though there were,
there are jokes inside rap,
but like,
Oh yeah.
Rap is,
I'm not talking about rap.
I think this was just a really serious scene where he was no but i think that's why they were laughing
so hard because it was a serious like a serious scene yeah they're trying to be serious about
your name's trick track or whatever yes yes it's very hard to like not see the humor and being like
little dick little whatever little whatever your name is i think i care about this story because
it teaches
me that like jason siegel and seth rogan both were like dying to get that role and practice so hard
and they didn't get it and it doesn't matter there will always be something else it wasn't
meant to be so when i don't get things i can still end up with jason siegel or a seth rogan
and honestly those times them laughing through that audition is a way better story than them appearing in 8 Mile.
Like, you think these roles, I don't know who played Trick Track in 8 Mile.
Who cares?
But the problem is there's a guy that might have laughed that didn't get Trick Track.
And he never got another role.
Like, Trick Track was like perfect.
But I will say that because he didn't get that role, something else happened in his life that was great.
Hopefully. Something terrible happened to a friend of mine recently.
I forget what.
And I was like,
Oh,
Carlisle got hit by a fucking lime scooter on Saturday night.
Oh,
I didn't know that.
So badly that if she would have walked out of them,
she was walking out of the improv and there was a lime scooter coming down
the street.
This you little piece of shit that I know you're out there somewhere.
You're this 20 something year old little white privilege piece of shit kid that know you're out there somewhere. You're this 20 something
year old little white privileged piece of shit kid that was probably drunk on a lime scooter.
He was going past improv on the sidewalk, which is illegal. If Carlisle would have walked out
0.04 seconds before she would be dead. And I'm not joking you. He clipped her so hard. She fell.
She, uh, I don't even know if she had a concussion we don't really know yet
it was so scary the kid i go can i get your number in case there's something wrong with her he gave
me a fake number this little twat this little rich kid that obviously i mean why you called the
number yeah i go is this jack from the slime and it was green you know i go this kid didn't have
an android this was and then he never wrote back this This kid is a liar. Gave me a fake number.
It just felt that really pissed me off.
I hope really bad things happen to that kid.
How bad did she get hit?
Did she fall?
Fell down on the ground.
I mean, it was brutal.
I'm not kidding you.
She would have died if it was just a second before.
And I know we talked about this before.
Like, one second later, you would have died.
But it was like one of those.
It was like, oh, my God.
I almost just saw my friend die from a lime scooter. It so upsetting but i go carlisle because you got hit
something good's gonna happen like i know it this will lead to something great then she gets hit by
a bird scooter yeah i mean yeah i guess yeah i hope yes hope it's just like you don't expect
to get hit by a fucking. But everything that happens.
Is for a reason.
Is the why.
I know that's hard to imagine.
No, I think.
Because you're like, why are children being raped?
And it's like, so that's some.
It's like, I don't know.
I don't know.
But I try to believe that like anything I don't get or something that happens to me, I go, well, because this happened, something's going to happen't have if i if everything would have gone the way i wanted it to yeah i mean i think
that's why you have to look at it though okay top one bottom one sports moment did you have one last
night bowling did you bowl well no i bowled like shit i bowled straight my arm hurt my leg hurts
everything hurts but whatever wait really i usually spin the ball i've pulled a 236 before damn and i pulled literally
like 110 and a 115 last night it was pathetic why are you what else did you hurt no when i tried to
curl the bar my forearm hurt who are you trying to show off for gianni no i'm trying to just be
good at something yeah and we were very competitive last night right yeah like me and gianni are like
insanely we're like hitting each other in between talking and calling each other fat and yeah i'm sure yeah i see it happen
all the time but then we go i love you man yeah and i you know i really do love you and i was like
yeah just keep but don't do don't do that that's so fun make fun of my nipples yeah you love that
i do i love clowning around like i almost see you get more nervous around cool guys that you want to be friends with
than like hot girls.
For sure.
It's so funny.
For sure.
You'd think you were gay sometimes the way you get like, like anxiety and like excited
to be around cool guys.
Yeah.
I'm the same way with cool girls.
Yeah.
I like pretty girls and like cool girls more than.
Dude, when you gossip with your girlfriends, that's guys gossip is just roasting each other
and beating the shit out of each other yeah and it's so fun okay bottom sports moment go andrew
worst worst personal we're gonna start with okay yeah we started bottom okay my bottom it was hard
to figure out a bottom not because i'm so great yeah it's just like i i just couldn't think of
one moment that was so embarrassing but one of my bottoms i think and i and i learned so great yeah it's just like i i just couldn't think of one moment that was so
embarrassing but one of my bottoms i think and i and i learned a lot from it is we were in a
basketball camp and we got like like some award for essentially being the worst team that gave
the most heart like it was such like a pathetic award to get it was like a participation trophy back then and i remember we got like free like
posters and our coach mirandy come and he was such a serious guy and he went to give each one of us
the posters and we're all in line and i go hey coach you can just throw mine in the garbage
right like and i looked around like yeah because you were acknowledging this is such a piece of shit. Which I was right.
Yeah, yeah.
And it was funny.
People did,
everyone was like,
ha!
He lost his fucking mind on me.
Yeah.
He's like,
how the hell can you be this unappreciative?
Like, this is why we're not playing great.
Like, whatever.
Like, everything.
And he would spit.
You know, remember those coaches
that would always have like one, like, they'd have like, everything. And he would spit. You know, remember those coaches that would always have, like, one, like.
Yes.
Like, they'd have, like.
It was, like, really white spit.
Like, they never drank water.
Yeah, they weren't hydrated enough.
Yeah.
And he had this spit.
Like, a tonsil stone came out.
And just, like.
And then he got arrested for prostitution later on.
So, I think it was more about him.
Oh, wow.
Wait, he was a prostitute?
No.
No.
He got a prostitute.
Oh, let's be honest.
Lots of men could have been uh arrested for oh yeah
and just never got caught and then he died from uh like lou gehrig disease so oh shit that's the
worst one something like that something horrible oh not to bring it down i don't think that was
my fault i feel like lou gehrig uh disease is uh everyone's bottom sports moment. That is true. Not laughing at it.
ALS is like the most,
is honestly,
I would,
Huntington's and Lou Gehrig's
is my biggest fear
of getting either of those.
Oh my God.
And dying of those.
To have your brain aware,
wow.
Or just like Alzheimer's
that you literally forget
how to swallow
and then you just die
from choking.
I think I'd rather have,
I'd rather have my brain going
than my body going.
But dementia leads to that though.
Like your brain regulates your body.
So you literally forget how to swallow.
That's how people die from Alzheimer's.
Alzheimer's kills you
because your body stops being able to remember
how to like do stuff.
I think.
My grandma has dementia
and she's had sex with a guy
that was married in her nursing home.
Who,
who,
who also had dementia.
Yeah.
That's a get out of jail free card.
Honey,
I have dementia.
I mean,
that's really like when you get cheated on and the guy can be like,
I was drunk.
It's like,
okay,
uh,
maybe we can wrap my head around.
But when a guy cheats on you and he's like,
no,
I was sober.
You're just like,
you hate me.
Like that. That's, it's so much worse. I know that's an excuse he's like no i was sober you're just like you hate me yeah like
that that's it's so much worse i know that's an excuse to be like i was drunk babe but you gotta
hope if you're someone that got cheated on that the guy was drunk because otherwise it's just like
i can never forgive you yeah otherwise he made plans babe i have dementia that was brought on by
you know 14 smeared off ices yeah other yeah because if they were sober they were
like hey let's meet here at seven yeah i was working on a joke for a while about it before
it's like yeah if someone cheats on you sober they you need to get out of that yes there's no
excuse my ex-boyfriend then they only fuck you when they're drunk yeah my ex-boyfriend legit
used to get so wasted he once made out i did this in my special perfect but it's true he made out with a girl my friend saw it i was like it was long distance they were
like he was making out with the girl's bar i called him was like i heard you made out with
that girl that was so gross like we've seen her before and he goes and like she like was blonde
and stuff he was like babe i thought it was you and i it was true he really he used to get so
drunk that he would hallucinate and i'm not joking you
people go yeah right i'm like i know that he did he thought it was me like he it was i mean what a
great excuse yeah he thought it was me but she i remember this girl had like cold sores and i was
like oh god i guess i'm gonna get those now because i don't can't respect myself enough to
dump this guy i don't get cold sores i got one I think one time maybe it was just it I haven't happened uh
for I thought it was you what an excuse so funny I thought it was you what's your bottom one for
my bottom one is when I was I had to play fucking basketball because all my best friends were doing
it and our coach was the principal of our middle school, who was my best friend's dad.
And I hated being put in the game.
I just wanted to be on the sidelines.
I was scared of the ball.
I wanted everything not to do with it.
I didn't know how to play.
I didn't know anything about basketball.
And I ended up scoring a basket.
And it was just a fluke.
You know, like I just got lucky.
And then the next day at lunch,
our principal thought he wanted to like honor me.
So he, and by the way,
Ellie Vuga scored like 20 baskets.
And then I scored one.
And the next day at the cafeteria,
he was like, Nikki Glaser scored a basket
and everyone like had to cheer.
And it was so embarrassing
because I knew that wasn't impressive.
And he thought he was like honoring me.
It's the same thing.
It was so embarrassing.
And what did you do?
I just was like, I didn't,
it's my biggest fear that anyone thinks I'm impressive
when I know what I did wasn't impressive.
I hate it.
And that was like the start of it.
It was so humiliating because I was like,
I know better to be like, this is a pity.
It's like having Lou Gehrig's disease.
When your body's falling apart and you're aware of it.
You were aware of that this was a-
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, it sucks.
What about you?
No, a sports moment, bottom.
All right, so I guess anytime I had to play dodgeball
in junior high school, the worst game ever,
why do they do it to us?
Any type of ball,
anytime a ball is being thrown near me,
I'm expected to catch it.
Anytime that like...
There goes your dating life.
Isn't that from Clueless?
I can't have balls. Myueless? I can't have balls.
My surgeon told me I can't have balls flying on my face.
There goes your social life.
Yeah.
Did you have one moment when you got hit with a dodgeball that you remember?
I just remember always dreading in gym class when the teacher,
the gym teacher would announce,
today's dodgeball day.
Get into teams.
I hated every day of gym class. get into teams i just dreaded it gym class every single day and we had to do it with our clothes the clothes that
we would stay so sweaty the rest of the day yeah yeah we had to change clothes but which i found
to be like i was like why because i wasn't going through puberty yet so i could sweat and it
wouldn't be a problem but i went to private school so so we had to. And then we put the suit back,
or like the white button down back on.
You're sweaty, disgusting.
Top sports moment, Andrew.
Okay, my top sports moment.
I'll try to tell it quick.
I started lacrosse.
I was a starter on the team as a sophomore.
I was very good at lacrosse.
And then I started as a junior.
And then we got a new coach senior year,
and we didn't get back into lacrosse season because i was playing basketball to like four games in so
the new coach didn't know how good i was but there were like four other guys he didn't know but he
was just like i'm gonna start them right away they're seniors he didn't start me he had a
freshman starting over me oh my god and he fucking like, I was so, I almost quit because I was like,
this is my fucking senior year.
So, like, the fourth game of the season, he finally, like, put me in
because the freshman fucking sucked.
And he put me in.
And I scored four goals and had one assist.
And we won 6-5.
Oh, my God.
And I was like, you fucking idiot.
So then did he start starting you?
No, then I didn't play again.
No, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Then he started me for the rest of the season.
But it was just like one of those moments where it's like,
why am I not getting the appreciation I deserve?
Yes, yes.
Anyways, and it just felt so good.
Oh, my God.
To just be like, yeah, yeah.
So that was awesome.
What about you?
Mine was I was playing field hockey my sophomore year.
No, it was maybe my freshman year.
And our coach it our
coach was newly married to this guy Kyle and they were you know gonna about to start a family
and I babysat for oh no that yeah they had a young baby and I think I babysat for their kid and um
and I was on the team and and he would always come to practice and like watch us and I think
he was like involved in sports too and I was not good on the team but I remember he was like he one time after a game was like um you know I think
you're just like an incredible person and he was like I would love or he goes my my dream if I
could I would have my daughter grow up to be just like you and I was like I'm not even that good at
field hockey and he was like oh no not like that like as a person like you're the way
you talk to like it was it was the best feeling ever being told by this guy that like didn't that
only knew me from babysitting his kids and like my interactions on the sidelines with like the
other girls because he was like kind of almost like an assistant coach to us and he was like
for him to say he wanted his daughter to grow up to be like me even though there were so many
popular beautiful girls on our team.
And then it was sports moment because I thought he was complimenting my field.
He was like, oh God, no.
And he was like, no, just like as a person.
So that to me always stands out as like
this thing that was associated with sports that-
You're like, is it because of the one basket I scored?
I know.
And I never scored any goals in field.
I was terrible.
I just wanted to hang out.
But like-
You seem so athletic though
it's so weird to me when you tell me you're not weren't great i know i have amazing leg muscles
i'm like very long and lean you look like a like a pro soccer player i could the thing is women who
win the boston or like the different marathons are always in their 30s like the women that do it
like it's i'm right now in a position like if i
trained i could probably be a really good long distance runner but i just don't have it in me
to like actually i'm not good at sprints short sprints but long distances i could be good and
i was a good swimmer but no no no no i don't like athletics enough to to actually do it what was
your top one noah okay my top one was a couple years ago.
I was 36.
My first competition in nogi,
which is just like wrestling, essentially.
Oh, is that the one where they like...
A nogi?
A nogi.
That would be fun.
That would be so funny.
That was what UFC was?
I would hate to give my hair to get messed up.
He Indian burned him.
He noogied him.
Oh, he gave him a raspberry.
So anyway, so I'm talking to my coach,
and in his Brazilian accent, he goes,
Noah, that arm drag could be a very good thing.
And it was that piece of advice that he gave me
that it's a form of like a takedown.
And I was able to take this woman down,
and that set the tone for the rest of the match
where I won by like so many points. And and I just I felt very good about being coachable and I felt
really good about um just like achieving that yeah 36 year old woman like wrestling no being
able to like synthesize coaching stuff use it and make your coach proud proud he was so proud of me your coach proud and
like that's that's really just the validation like the fatherly like kind of coach thing
yeah it sucks that like there we get to an age where we like sports for a lot of people was like
your whole identity like you got all your confidence from sports and then once you graduate
high school it's like no no, you can't,
what do you play?
Like you play club or you,
you do it for fun.
It's like,
you can't get appreciation out of it because,
and that it's really hard.
It's hard for people.
Final thought.
I did,
uh,
the show yesterday where I was,
there was a ballerina,
there were ballerinas and I,
you had to ask them questions to find out like,
who's the real ballerina to tell the truth. It probably air uh fall or summer um but i my first question was
you're gonna you can't do this forever what the hell are you gonna do and they were all like young
and it was like i was like sorry to start on a bad foot but you all have bad feet and no one
laughed at that joke i was just like i was making the funniest fucking jokes yesterday that were like bombing i did the can i tell this joke that i told of course so this girl was a butter sculptor
okay that was the thing it was like three people that were claiming to be butter sculptors you have
to figure out which one is telling the truth right so i i i and you're you ask some questions to
actually get the information and some questions i'm just purely jokes so i go there was one girl
that was really pretty.
She's actually a comic.
She DM'd me because she maybe
was the butter sculptor.
There was a girl
that was pretty
and I go,
I want to sculpt that butter.
I go,
you,
when you,
I go,
you're a very attractive woman.
When you tell guys
what you do for a living,
do they ever refer to you
as a butter career?
And everyone was just like,
no one got it. And then later on in the show, I i was like did i say it wrong like and everyone goes okay well nikki
they're like there was something like nikki just will you play the game like i got admonished for
making this joke that no one got and then later on i go um someone made a butterface i don't know
i don't someone made it was because i didn't explain it well. Someone made a butterface joke.
And I go, I saw what I should have said is, you know, a lot of girls that are pretty that
hat or that aren't that pretty, but have a great body are called a butterface because
it's she's hot, but her face except her face.
But when you tell people about your career, you've got you're very pretty.
Do guys call you a butter job?
Because everything about you is hot except your job.
And then everyone was like,
Oh,
and I was like,
Oh,
I forgot I'm smarter than everyone.
And I have to like,
kind of sometimes not smarter,
but like I can see a joke in a way that's,
there are a lot of times you tell a joke and I go,
Andrew,
you got to explain it to the audience because they're not following.
And it's not because they're not smart.
It's like you're,
they're not holding their hand through the premise.
You've gotten there because you went there already you see what's coming they don't so you
have to really hold their hand and that was a example usually i get that but i think butter
career butter career it it doesn't butter job is just such a better yeah that's what happens when
you're writing on the fly in your head when you're also trying to ask uh hear what how the butter is stored because
other people are asking questions like how cold does the butter have to be so she's like 72 degrees
fahrenheit and i'm just like trying to think of this butter joke and it's like there's no audience
right there was like a smattering of audience yeah it's not it's not conducive to a comedian
there was this one woman though that was so looking. She was like this grandmother that was like, I sculpt better. And she was just like very happy and just like, yes, I said, she just seemed to me
like to be such an actress, like a woman. I go, you are freaking me out. I go, you seem like a
grandmother in a horror movie where like eventually you eat the children. And everyone was like,
that's a weird thing to say. And I'm like, does she not? And then by the end of it, Anthony
Anderson, the host goes, Nikki, I know exactly what
you're talking about now.
Holy shit.
And I go, and then I made a reference.
Someone wrote to me that was in the audience and they go, I know no one laughed at that,
but the fact that you reference Soundgarden's Black Hole Sun, I go, you look like you could
be in the Soundgarden video Black Hole Sun where it's like Black Hole Sun.
It's like, oh, I don't check.
And it's like beautiful women that are like melting. Yeah. Holding like iced they're just like too smiley and they're like yeah where it's like
a horror movie and it was so validating me to get that dm because i was like everyone goes no one
knows what you're talking about nikki black hole son i'm like black hole son black hole son and
everyone's like no one knows i was like going you thought the more you said oh i just was like
selling it because at that point i had bombed so much with these jokes that were over people's heads
that i was like i i don't they'll edit it out what's interesting like as a comedian you're like
well i need a live audience to know that i'm being funny but in this instance it's great knowing that
people are going to see it at home and you are going to hit it that's why on the mtv movie and
tv awards i did a lot of things that in the room of a bunch of reality stars it's not they're not gonna get the
jokes because they're all worried about how they look like on camera so they're not even listening
to me so i didn't care about killing it that's why you're a fucking pro dude it did kill a lot
of your jokes did hit very hard but the fact that you know people were getting up there were like
empty tables after and there was no real audience.
And you just I don't know, you just fucking owned it.
And I'm so impressed.
I was like me and Blair were talking about it.
We're like, God, she's incredible.
Why?
You said that after the show.
And I was like, I let it in because you were like, I felt like there were some I was saying like to Noah, like I saw the the way some people reacted to me afterwards.
My friends that have seen me on stage a million times, and they were just kind of like,
that was really different.
Emile's never seen me in a I'm on TV mode and doing red carpet.
And I think after I got done with the red carpet, he was like, what did I just watch?
That was incredible.
And I'm like, I don't know.
Well, I guess it's like when i saw you did a rose too i mean you're larger than life when no i'm not
trying to make a joke how dare you i was in a size
no but you are like you you have you have an it factor it sounds cheesy but like
you know it's just uh i don't know it's it's it's interesting
to see i mean it's not you have a rare ability to zone in and lock in when there's a lot of
their shit going around you and i don't know what it is but you know and it's not like oh you did
good for a bad room it wasn't like a pity pity, like thing like that either. If that's how you,
you were maybe taking,
no,
I took it as like,
wow.
Like my friends who've seen me do this a million times,
like you're a compliment to me afterwards of like,
you're just such a pro.
Like,
I can't even believe that was like,
it meant a lot to me.
Cause I was like,
Oh,
I just,
it was the,
the coach impressing your coach and being like,
damn,
like I see you do that all the time.
Like you just did something that I,
I knew you were going to do great,
but like that was really
you were the girl that made
40 shots that night yes
Ellie Vuga finally
suck it no Ellie
was like the most impressive
yeah like I and I think when Ray
J got the popcorn he's like you just put it in the garbage
oh my god Ray J was in the audience
there was so many we got to talk about the MTV
movie awards unscripted tomorrow on the show we're gonna get into it because you're gonna watch
it tonight everyone listening at home i do drop a car and you know i do fashion egg i really hope
they put that fashion egg in and i didn't want to do it but i had promised you guys and so it's
only for you and i knew it was only going to confuse the live audience so it was only detrimental
to my set to add in car but it was just for the besties.
That's how much I love you.
So I hope you watch it tonight.
MTV movie and TV awards tweet about it.
Put it on your stories.
It would really mean a lot to me.
I'll share them.
And I love you guys.
And thank you for listening to today's show.
And we're here all week.
It's the best.
It's the best job in the world.
K.
K. Best job in the world. Catch. Catch.
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Featuring interviews with top players on tour,
tips to help improve your swing,
and the craziest stories to come out
of your friendly neighborhood country club.
Welcome to the Party with Tisha Allen
is an iHeart Women's Sports production
in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment.
Listen to Welcome to the Party, that's P-A-R-T-E-E, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Welcome to Decisions Decisions, the podcast where boundaries are pushed and conversations get candid. Join your favorite hosts, me, Weezy WTF, and me, Mandy B, as we dive deep into the world of non-traditional relationships and explore the often taboo topics surrounding humor, vulnerability, and authenticity, we share our personal journeys
navigating our 30s, tackling the complexities of modern relationships, and engage in thought-provoking
discussions that challenge societal expectations. From groundbreaking interviews with diverse guests
to relatable stories that will resonate with your experiences, Decisions Decisions is going to be
your go-to source for the open dialogue about what it truly means to love and connect in today's
world.
Get ready to reshape your understanding of relationships and embrace the freedom
of authentic connections. Tune in and join the conversation. Listen to Decisions Decisions on
the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Did you know that 70% of people get hired at companies where they already have a connection?
I'm Andrew Seaman, LinkedIn's Editor-at-Large for Jobs and Career Development.
And on my podcast, Get Hired, I bring you all the information you need to, well, get hired.
Landing a job may be tough, but Get Hired is here for you every step of the way with advice on resumes, networking, negotiation, and so much more. Listen to Get
Hired with Andrew Seaman on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you like to listen.