The Nikki Glaser Podcast - #330 On The Battlefield w/ Brian Frange

Episode Date: March 30, 2023

Nikki had to switch hotels and does not appreciate a sneaky check in time or the co'uhl sign that is hanging up in the bathroom. Brian tells a harrowing story about a childhood friend. Nikki has a notepad of words she collected from Succession. Anya's trauma on ice is more traumatic than she thought. They give their opinions on receiving a "nice to see you", Erewhon, food delivery contamination and smoking weed in front of others. Nikki ate her words of advice from yesterday and felt unprepared for a TV appearance. Her luck changed at the end of the night when she got a sweet message about Bette Midler watching one of her sets. In the Final Thought, they talk about motivational posts on IG that have the opposite effect. ---- Watch this episode on our Youtube Channel: The Nikki Glaser Podcast Follow the pod on Instagram for bonus content: @NikkiGlaserPod Leave us your voicemail: Click Here To Record Get Pod Merch: Podshop.NikkiGlaser.com Nikki's Tour Dates: nikkiglaser.com/tour Anya's Patreon: patreon.com/anyamarina Brian Frange: brianfrange.com More Nikki: IG More Anya: IG More Brian: IG More producer Noa: IGSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late-night legend Jon Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind. Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Here's Nikki. Hello. Welcome to the show. It's the Nikki Glaser Podcast.

I'm Nikki Glaser. I'm in Hollywood, California. With me today is Noah. She's in Arizona. Anya is in Cupertino. And Brian Frangie is right here on the couch next to me. What's up? We're in like an eco cave. It's an eco hotel. It's clean. And sharp. It's sharp. It's so sharp. I think I've bumped into like six or seven things on the way up here. It's so sharp. It's sharp. It's so sharp. I think I've bumped into like six or seven things on the way up here. It's so sharp. The lobby's nice though, right?

Oh yeah. When I went to the lobby, I felt like I was in a tropical resort. It's like the Rainforest Cafe updated. Yes. It is so nice down there. It smells really good. They're like, we have plundered the rainforest to give you the most eco-friendly experience. Everything's made of, yeah, Palo Santo or whatever.

It's really a good vibe up in this place. Yeah, the lobby is so nice. It's reclaimed. Reclaimed from a Rainforest Cafe that shut down in 2003. My joke for the Rainforest Cafe was like, if they really want to make it the Rainforest Cafe, it should just have

bulldozers and crying monkeys. One time there was one under construction at a mall and I was like, this is the greatest joke ever because there was literally a bulldozer in there and monkeys. One time there was one under construction at a mall and I was like, this is the greatest joke ever because there was literally a bulldozer in there. And I was like, it's an accurate Rainforest Cafe. But I like this place because the lobby is so nice and because hotels now,

I don't know if you've noticed after the pandemic, they've all decided to change their check-in time. What did it used to be globally, internationally, across the board? No, three o'clock. decided to change their check-in time. What did it used to be? Globally? Internationally? What? Noon? Across the board? No.

Three o'clock. That was always the check-in time. Always. Now, what is it? Four. Four o'clock. Did they send out a memo? Did they send out an alert?

No. They all secretly changed it during COVID when Chris the other day said COVID was a reset button and everyone kind of gets to go play by their own rules now. They reinvented. And they raised all the prices on top of that. Raise the prices. Now housekeeping is like, Oh,

we're, we're trying to save the planet. So we do it every three days. And it's like, no, you're understaffed and you're cheap. Yeah. That's bullshit.

That's a, that's a scam. Like what I've heard is that the, it hurts the staff because they're not cleaning as much they're not working as many hours they're not getting paid so when they say like oh as a you know to save the covet or whatever or or even if it's like ecological they say we're not going to come up and clean your stuff and it's like they would prefer it the workers are dying to get in my room most of the time they're always like you don't want anything you promise you don't i'm just like oh man i guess my sheets are a little sweaty get in

here lady yeah um no there's a sign in there on the um bathroom and it's so i was like wow they did some marketing research on this or just did some psychological research So the sign says, hang up your towel to indicate that you don't need a fresh one. And then, so that we all know that sign that's usually put there. Then underneath it,

it says, most of our guests opt to do this. It's okay sometimes to be a follower. Oh my God. Wait, let me just read it.

Hold on. Oh my God. That's like an abusive boyfriend. Yes. Yes. What the fuck? Okay. Repeat after me.

Okay. I'm gonna repeat after you. Hanging up your towels means we will leave them right here. Hanging up your towel means we'll leave them right here. Most of our guests do. Most of our guests do. Sometimes it's okay to be a follower. Sometimes it's okay to be a follower.

That is so true. Yeah. Yeah. That's like a, or like a really overbearing mother. And you know what? They know who they're preying on people in Hollywood. And everyone here wants to do what everyone else is doing. And I bet they did research and they realized in some R&D that people don't hang up their towels because even though they would reuse it, they think that they are gross.

Or they think that other people wouldn't do this. And so they're like, if we just make it seem like most people do this, then everyone will follow. It's so weird. Yeah. They're trying to save money. But I always hang up my towel. I never need fresh towels as long as they have time to dry. Unless Ian Fidance is staying with you.

Oh, yeah. Ian Fidance bled all over my towels last week. Not even my towels. Chris's towels. Chris didn't even know he was coming over to use the shower. I love that he folded them and hung them back up. He put them back with blood on them. His cheek, his fucking lip blood all over them.

I love him so much. Fucking hillbilly. Shrimp king. Yeah. Well, it's yeah, this hotel, it was just cheaper than the,

I stay in like three hotels in this area within walking distance to the comedy store. And this one was just the cheapest for a suite. Cause I'm tired of staying in like a tiny room. And, and I'm kind of yeah i'm a little perturbed by that sign and um and they're trying to save water but the bath is like a fucking pool so i felt really bad last night as i drew a bath i don't feel comfortable saying

i drawed a bath well yeah it's it's very it's highfalutin yeah to say i drew a bath well anya was talking about dressing a wound, and I was like, did you put a hat and scarf on it and some sunglasses? Like, dressing anything, like, don't. They're all arapes. Brian, do you have any ear rapes, any words that make you cringe? Yeah, we call it arapes. Oh, none.

No way. You're so easygoing. Well, it's like things like. Listen, I'm chill. I wouldn't say anything about your towels. On Instagram, when people say like, this guy, this one. Oh, I hate that.

Like those little things. Oh, I hate that. Yeah. Every time my fiance... I hate fiance. The word fiance too. Oh, really? I love that word.

That is what I'm most looking forward to in possibly getting married, engaged. I want to be a fiance forever. Oh, really? I love that word. That is what I'm most looking forward to in possibly getting married, engaged. I want to be a fiance forever. Oh, yeah? Yeah, because people get excited. You get attention when you say my fiance. People go, oh, when are you getting married? How did he propose?

And everyone's excited for you. When you say my husband, everyone's bored by that. No one cares. There's no follow-up question. It doesn't spark conversation. It sparks a little sadness well that's what i'm looking for oh i don't want the whole uh what how'd you meet conversation i'm not saying fiance on a plane next to a stranger i'm not saying anything but if i want to like feel cool i don't know i just think fiance is cute because it's it shows that your relationship is in a good place. It's the only time

that you are actually pretty in love because you could still call it off if you weren't in love. So you must be in love, but you're also in love enough to take it to the next level. Husband, I know you're locked in. You could fall out of love with this guy. You could hate your husband. You probably do. But fiance,

at least I know you guys are happy that's a hundred percent true because right fiance is in this zone where you're like you guys are gonna have a wet i mean i'm sure there's some unhappy fiances out there but for the most part a fiance you're in a good spot and uh if you're if you're you could say just say the word my fiance it's almost impossible to say with a negative connotation. Where I could say my wife. Yeah. My wife. It almost comes with a negative connotation automatically.

I was writing up our wedding invitations over the weekend. And all the suggestions were to say, we invite you to the celebration of the marriage of Anya and Matt. And I was like, I hate this word marriage. I want it to say wedding. But all the invites say like, you're invited to the marriage. Do you guys hate marriage too? It just sounds so boring.

Marriage. It is. Marriage, institutional. It is boring. I'm like, no, it's a wedding. Like come to our wedding. I just realized I'm on a podcast with three fiances. You're all fiances. Can I just say what i love about fiancé i don't like the word either but what i

do like about it is that it's kind of like ambiguous because when i say fiancé it's like i'm saying partner you don't know if it's a man or a woman really and i love that i've never had that thought ever well you used to say partner i know but i never think like if i say my fiance that someone out there like maybe one percent of the population would be like could be a woman right i never thought about that either i don't really wait why do you like to have that why do you like the ambiguity i just like it i have no explanation you like to confuse and baffle people yeah you have something over them

dating a woman they don't know I'm gonna start saying I'm gonna marry a woman I like being mysterious I do hate boyfriend is hilarious to me

now I feel like I'm in the like when I used to say my grandma had a boyfriend I'm in that stage now of like it's ridiculous to have a boyfriend I'm 38 what is this a boyfriend yeah'm in that stage now like it's ridiculous to have a boyfriend i'm 38

what is this a boyfriend yeah no it's very juvenile doesn't sound good either but boy the word boy why is it boy i don't know because it's a it's a juvenile thing yes because we used to get married by the time we were 17 so under that it was boyfriend well the boys would get married at 17 and the girls get married at like 13 yeah that's how it was oh that Well, the boys would get married at 17 and the girls would get married at like 13. That's how it was. Oh God, have you guys watched Waco? No. Oh my God, it's so good.

I watched that place burn back in 94 whenever it happened. It's so good. Yes, we all watched it in real time. What the hell is this thing? It's on TV all the time, this burning building. It's wild.

I wish they would have done it. I mean, unless there's another episode. I think it's done, but it left me with a few questions. But so many of the people are still believers, and one of them is defending him, like being with 14-year-old Giselle. She goes, a woman comes of age at 12 in our religion. It's wild.

Oh, man. it is really well boyfriend feels i gotta watch waco i will watch it because it it almost reminds me of like um it was one of those 90s events where it was like september 11th i mean i know that wasn't in the 90s but uh feels like it yeah it kind of does i mean it was pretty close um the you the bombing the oklahoma city bombing city bombing That was the first one I remember I was in fourth grade The World Trade Center bombing I missed that one

The 9-11 really did the most damage To the original World Trade Center bombing Because nobody remembers that now The guy who did that bombing They're not going to never forget Everyone forgot that one Can you imagine You're sitting there imagine you're sitting

there and you're like i'm famous for this and then someone does it twice as big i mean not only twice as big i mean how many people died in the first one because i know a million people died in the second one just kidding that's one one one of our uh callback yeah on my original radio show on serious jen who uh worked on the show, I asked one day how many people everyone thought died in 9-11, and she guessed a million. It was so cute!

In terms of the impact, it feels that way. And then with victims later on, it's been thousands. So where were you? Where was I on September 11th? I was in first period ap english miss larson's class and i said what's the world trade center and she goes you don't know what the world trade center is and she like really was mad at me oh my god and then i got a five on ap exam and she called me and was like i can't believe you got a five and i'm like

yes suck it bitch yeah she was like really did not think she called you yeah she called because she called they call you to tell you your score because she gets them she called your house yeah she called my house in the summer and was like you got a five i can't believe it she's like my mom wow i can't believe i know people love you this much um yeah where were you i was also in class and most of us were my math teacher was also in class I think most of us were My math teacher was like in her 80s or something Or at least when I was whatever age And I thought my math teacher was 80

She might have been like 40 That's just the way it goes Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right But she refused to acknowledge it Too old to have a boyfriend Too old to have a boyfriend, no Although she did have many I feel like pretty I felt pretty bad because i was on long island and my dad's a firefighter

and he had to keep shifting he had to keep shifting towards manhattan and so i was like really nervous about this but my teacher refused to acknowledge anything was happening she made us learn differential equations or whatever while we were all like can we just please watch the news and like most of us we're on long island like most of us have like family members who are like rushing to the city or work in the city we didn't know what was going on like we thought we were under attack firefighter he's a volunteer firefighter on long island oh my god and so what what they would do is all the firefighters on long island would have to keep shifting west towards the city because all the firefighters in the city were now at the world trade center and someone had to cover their spots your you have a fire at your house on september 11th oh yeah well then somebody out east

would have to come out to cover for the people who are supposed to be there because you're a firefighter everyone's shifting yeah and he's and how far is he shifting people in hawaii are like we gotta go to LA. Eventually. Yeah. That's why there was all those Japanese firefighters in Long Island on 9-11. People think it was for other reasons. So yeah, that Columbine, another seminal disaster. And then they just keep on coming. I don't know why I like morbid things, but I read about these things a lot.

Yeah, you get into it. It interests me. Yeah, I mean, I can't help it. But at this point with things that happen, I'm just like, I'm over it. If you were a teacher during something like 9-11, what would you do? Would you stop the class?

I mean, I can't say what I would do, but I'd be looking for any reason to stop the class i'm bored i don't like work i'm not trying to get jobs done i'm not ever someone put on a movie i you these people you know me too everyone who's worked with me i'm always looking for some reason to like not have to get the job done so i would have been excited to put on the TV and to watch. But I would have been a little bit mindful of the fact that if I was in your teacher that kids

might know people. But I mean that was just such an insane fucking day. Insane. No one knew what to do. You know what? I mean I feel kind of bad about it but I was like kind of excited was my initial feeling. I mean. I don't know why that's it's you're not you listen i could go into some weird thoughts that i've had when there's

announcements of certain things and i go only 30 casualties well what are they even reporting well i didn't understand the what was going on and so it's just like something exciting was happening the day yeah you know and then after i went home and I was like horrified. Oh, I was. But I remember in school like running around the hallways like something's happening. We're under attack. And I was too young to understand. Yeah.

What were you in eighth grade or something? Yeah. I don't remember exactly. No, you don't remember what class that was in? I just remember it was math. Well, that teacher. What grade? What did you have that teacher?

Come on. Well, I had her multiple years. Oh. What year were you born? Because this was 2008. 88. Okay, so you were in 8th grade. Okay, yeah. So they refused to acknowledge.

And then I was running around the halls being like, we're under it. What are we going to do, guys? Do you remember if you were in your middle school running the halls or if you were in your high school? In my middle school. Okay, so you were 8th grade. Okay. Well, no, I don't remember. I was just basing that off of... You just picture hallways and you don't know what hallways they are?

It was the same school. Wait, why were you in a big school that had all the grades? They were attached. They were attached. It was the same school. We were attached. It was attached schools. There was no change at all. You would just go one floor up or one floor down. What? That sucks. I'm sorry. Because it's fun to go to a new school.

Yeah, well, I didn't get that. I'm sorry that I didn't get that. Didn't you feel cheated? I could have gone to any, I could have moved. Well, no, you couldn't. You're kind of locked in. Did you guys go to a, you went to like a separate, you changed schools, right? I had a school like that too.

I went to a middle school. First, I tried a real junior high. I remember I went to a one-room First, I tried a real junior high. Remember, I went to a one-room schoolhouse, K-6, with 30 kids. So it was a completely little house on the prairie. Then I transferred to a – Is that like Montessori or something? No, it was just I grew up on a mountain and there were no kids here. And we had one school.

And the school was the school district too. But then when I went to seventh grade, I was like, what are y'all doing here? Because I just was wearing the same outfit every day. Like I didn't know how to be cool. And I just failed so miserably at that school. So then I begged my parents to let me go to this other middle school where I knew some kids from my other school. And we had jungle gym bars.

And I was in seventh grade. But I was hanging out with the elementary school kids at the jungle gym bars and doing like dead men's drop and suicide do you remember these moves on the bars no oh they were so cool suicide like here's a bar and then here's your knees you're sitting on top this is suicide you go back and you do a full 360 turn and you end up sitting back on the bar again it's insane that's really hard to do. I know. China taught me.

That's where I met China, my best friend. And yeah, and I was happy in that school. But I remember all the girls were getting their periods and China and I weren't yet. And we were like, we just want to hang out with the sixth graders on the jungle gym bars. Yeah, Peter Pan.

Yeah. Did you ever play pea gravel? What's that? No pea gravel? No. No? No Pee Gravel? No. No? That is definitely a your school kind of thing. It was called Pee Gravel because there was like gravel, like little rocks.

And I don't know why it's called Pee Gravel. Maybe because the rocks are sizes of peas. Okay. Yeah, so it all makes sense. You walk on like the jungle gym slash wooden, you know, kids thing, and you can't touch the pee gravel and if you do you have to like go home that floor is lava right

I guess it's the floor we called it no pee gravel that was just your school Brian that's not like a ubiquitous game there's no way that would be a thing anywhere outside of your school I went to the Midwest and I asked hey do you kids want to play No Pee Gravel?

And I got arrested. You ever play Tree Trunk with One Branch? Wait, so did you have friends in middle school? What was your kind of vibe? My middle school friends changed from my high school friends, but I had

like, I do have a... because well i had one friend who was almost exactly like cartman from south park really yeah he was exactly like this yeah yes he does and he would walk around and he would mimic cartman because oh my god oh because cartman because he would watch cartman and he'd go like no rojambeau and stuff like that and he'd try to kick you in the balls um but i remember when uh we stopped being friends yeah and it was um we had a friend his name was doug and we had another friend named chris who lived we all lived around the corner from each other and chris had this dumb statue on his front lawn it was like a little boy holding a lantern you ever see one of those oh yes oh what is Oh, yeah. Classic. Yeah, a little horse boy. I don't know why people

gravitate towards dumb shit like that. Like what? Because, probably because of the towel thing. Someone else has it. Yeah. But what does it mean? I don't know what the little horse boy means. I understand like a dwarf. That's like a fun, fantastic. Oh, a little garden gnome? A little garden gnome. Those are cool.

Yes. But to put a horse boy holding a lantern on your front lawn yes feels like you're trying too hard to please somebody yes absolutely so we had this dumb statue and our goal and we ride bikes and our goal was to ride bikes over there and knock over the statue and then run off and the little horse boy would be on the ground and uh so doug and i went over there with this other kid and we're sneaking up we feel like we're about to rob a fucking bank we're like so this is like the most exciting thing that ever happened yeah we go up it's like the middle of the day too so exciting yeah to do kids shenanigans yes shenanigans yes we run up to the statue and uh i'm like all right we got to push this over and me and the

other kid we gently like place it on the lawn get the fuck out of here we gotta run so we start running and doug he trips he trips he trips and he falls and he's his arm outstretched towards us while we're getting on our bikes and he goes no it's like you're leaving him on the battlefield right like we're leaving on the belt he's like don't leave me here no and we're like we gotta go and we ride off and we leave him behind and that's well and then we we circle back like a 30 minutes later safe amount of time i know you go and you wait and you're like do you think they've noticed yet and you go back to the scene of the crime classic criminal behavior yeah and we also are wondering

if he's still laying there. He really didn't seem like he was going to get up unless we helped him. Oh my God, Doug. No, he just wanted to suffer. He wanted us to betray him. He sounds like he fell on purpose. It feels like it.

When you're embarrassed, though, you'll do ridiculous things. I was in an ice skating competition once when I was nine, and I tripped and fell in the first 20 seconds of the song. And i fell i thought this is so embarrassing and so bad pretend you fainted i just i let all the music play out and it was like so just laid there yeah just laid there on the ice And like ruined all the months of preparation just because I was so humiliated.

How long were you laying there for? Like probably 60 seconds. And then I was like. Until someone. I think no one came to save me and I just got up eventually. At the music's playing? In your head you thought that someone was going to be like, she fainted mid-Sow Cow. What was the song?

It was something gross. It was gross like my heart belongs to daddy and i think my dad was on the ice with me because my fucking coach was like we're gonna have your dad out there in a folding chair reading a paper and then and i was like later on i thought about this i'm like this is sexualizing children like why am i doing my heart belongs to daddy the song is about your boyfriend not your daddy oh okay what i think the song is like my heart belongs to daddy my boyfriend daddy isn't it no way it's about your dad they they would not be maybe i was just really wanting to fuck my dad I mean yeah it's all it's all mixed up in there it's a sexy song though but anyway then I fainted or

I mean then I fell I tripped on something and fell and then just decided to really go for it and make it look like a huge fall and I like slid across the ice on my face and then just laid there and I accidentally like and the song's playing and the song's playing out and I just was like your the song's playing. And the song's playing out. And I just was like,

your dad is just still maintaining his role in the lawn chair reading a paper. I don't think he was even noticing me. So typical. I think it was just like in character. Yeah. And then I finally got up and tried to finish the routine.

He doesn't want to mess up his rombo show. What was it again? En brochure. En brochure. En brochure. Oh, sorry. I messed up the Cartman thing. Ro-sham-bo.

Ro-sham-bo. Yeah. Full circle. Okay, we got to go to break, and we'll find out what happened with Doug when we get back after this. I know you're on the edge of your fucking lawn chair. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast.

The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines. Listen to The Daily Show, ears edition, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome back.

Well, we all need to know what happened to Doug laying on the lawn next to the little kicked over lawn boy. So we returned back to the lawn and Doug was not there. The statue was still over. Nothing occurred. Nothing. Nothing. So obviously at some point, just like Anya on the ice, at some point the jig is up and you just have to get up.

That's the funniest part. It's like you've been faking this. No one cared. Yes. And you're're like you know what i'm just gonna get up now oh my god faking things is so embarrassing when you like i faked crying before to like get sympathy from a boyfriend or like faked being asleep oh yeah so that you can like so that you maybe look like a precious angel and they'll maybe like kiss your head or something like why do i do any of this stuff like it's so embarrassing or fake like

i don't see someone fake like i like last night there was someone in the lobby and i saw i know her she knows me but there's like a little bit of a weird thing between us like oh yeah she's friends with someone that i'm not friends with anymore. I would have said hi, but I was like, maybe she saw me and doesn't want to say hi because I think she had a chance to see me before I saw her, but when I saw her, she wasn't looking at me. I thought maybe she had turned

prior because do you ever catch someone before they see you and then you put your head in a way that's like, then I don't have to catch their eye. It felt like it was like that. There's nothing that makes someone notice you more than when you catch them and you turn away and they didn't see you. Yes. Then all of a sudden they're like someone did that. It's like everybody has a spider sense

for that. Yes. I do it all the time. I've pretended so many times not to see people and I'm really good at it actually. I always see people before they see me. Yeah. I can see that. You're good at scanning. you're good at scanning. Yeah. You're good at scanning.

Thank you. I always see you. Scanner Darkly. Isn't that a movie? Yeah, that was a rotoscope movie with Keanu Reeves from 2007. Okay. I have something disturbing to tell you guys. What?

My Heart Belongs to Daddy was originally done by Cole Porter, and the woman does a strip tease in the play singing that song, and it's a fucking song about- Wow. Yeah. And the adults who assign that song to you? It's about a boyfriend. Yep.

It's about a boyfriend. It's like the lyrics are like, Lolita, if I invite a boy some night to dine on my fin and hattie. Is that like a euphemism? I just adore his asking more, but my heart belongs to daddy. And Marilyn Monroe did a striptease to it too. Okay, so daddy in the song is still your dad.

I don't think so. I think it's for my boyfriend. Yeah, I want more, but my heart belongs to, no, I think she's talking about like, I can't sleep with you because my heart belongs to daddy. Like I am a young. Well, one of the lines says, my heart belongs to daddy like i am okay a young well one of the lines says my heart belongs to my daddy because daddy my daddy my little old daddy oh it's her sugar daddy

that little old daddy is her sugar daddy so good a newspaper magnate introduced with the words i've come to care for such a sweet millionaire she don't care what it means. It doesn't matter what it means. The lyrics are lascivious. Is that a word? Yes. It's lascivious. Yes.

And there should be no young child doing an ice dance. Oh, my God. I just remembered my outfit. It was fishnets. I was wearing fish. I'm 10, 9 or 10, wearing fishnets and a tight leotard. And I had a boa. And I used the boa around my dad. And he was in a chair.

This is fucked up. No, you didn't. OK, Brian remembered he was molested yesterday. And I just remembered that I was a victim to a fucked up thing by my very sweet ice skating coach, who probably- And your dad. Your dad is an adult and signed on for this oh my god yeah sorry and then what's with the dad sitting in a chair with a newspaper that's part

of it yeah well it just gave him something to do oh because he can't be on the ice like skating around he's a daddy yeah he's a daddy he only pays all very disturbing it's so gross is it news to anyone that old men want to fuck young girls? This is the society we live in. They want to fuck young boys and young girls. That is what, and there's so many of them that want to do it. And they can't hide it sometimes. Remember Serge Gainsbourg and Charlotte? Yes, his daughter.

Yes. They had disgusting songs together. This is, I kind of like it when it comes to the surface because it's happening beneath the surface all the time.

Yeah. And it's just now kind of coming to, I think in the past 20 years, we've all kind of woken up to like, oh, you shouldn't sexualize children.

But it was happening all the time during the 70s, like looking back on our childhoods. I think it was happening a lot more frequently. Yeah. And you still see it, like, even, like, I don't know. I sometimes see just little girls. You got those, like, pageant shows.

Yes. The pageant things with the girls wearing makeup and even girls getting their ears pierced. I'm like, stop bejeweling this child. Yes. Why do you need to do that isn't she already a little jewel um and then like isn't why does she need to be like more sparkly and your whole point about giving little girls dolls and like you're that's your baby like that's weird you're a mommy train for what you're gonna be doing in a couple years. And it's just, and just Santa Claus, sit on my lap.

I'm an old man and now your kid is on my lap and I'm going to, and just. And whisper in my ear what you want. Yeah. Oh, God. That's all very sexual. I mean. But what the reverse. So back in the whatever, 1600s, little kids would be dressed up like little Muppets.

They would have like full dress and leggings and they would be covered in cloth. Yes. That's better. They would walk around like this. What is a Muppet? They would dress up like a Muppet. You mean a Muppet? Yeah.

No, no. A Muppet is a… Well, we know what a Muppet is. You don't need to finish that sentence. What the fuck is a Muppet? Can I just explain what a Muppet is?. A Muppet is a... Well, we know what a Muppet is. You don't need to finish that sentence. What the fuck is a Muppet? Can I just explain what a Muppet is? A Muppet. Haven't you ever seen the...

What's that play? I don't remember the play. Avenue Q. Those are Muppets. Yeah, Avenue Q. Those are Muppets. M-O-P. No.

That's Moopit. A Muppet is a small, endearingly sweet child. Oh. I got it right. Yeah. They dressed them up like Mopits. Well, no. I think they already are Mopits because they're a small, sweet, endearing child.

Yeah. You have to cover them in cloth? Yeah. I didn't know. You cover them in various layers of cloth. Oh, my God. What? And they walk around like this.

And there's no sexualization until they turn 13 and then you sell them and then yeah then you sell them to a man who has cows and you say you can have sex with this kid that's basically what happened yeah it totally no more mop it after then the husband would dress you up like a mop it what oh and yeah because then it's your mind you're mine and you cannot be sexual for any other man um yeah it's all fucked man can i finish the doug story because i feel like now the payoff is not good enough for the amount of time that's passed i mean that's why i got away from it i felt it coming i felt there was not this was really the first september 11th attack

or the first world trade center attack i wanted to forget it go on all right so we go back to we go to doug's house and we knock on the door and he opens the door and he is shirtless drinking he made this drink that was a full glass of milk with a full sleeve of oreos absorbed into the milk oh my god yeah and he would drink that and he opened the door shirtless and we're like oh doug that would be so delicious because after you drink down the milk, which disgusts me, by the way, I think even before I was a vegan, people just drinking milk straight up is the grossest thing I could ever imagine. But then afterwards, the Oreos soaked with the milk.

And so they're almost like you could bite into them even if you have fresh veneers because they just give way right away. I was just thinking. That consistency makes me so happy. No, you can. This one's good for you. This is all for you. Okay, so he drank his milk drink.

He's shirtless. And we go, Doug, are you okay? And he goes, we will never be friends again. And he slammed the door, and that was it. Done. He was never friends with us again. He would never hang out with us because you left him left him because we left him behind no leave no man behind that was the code

and we didn't abide by it betrayed him yeah and so for the rest of like because you went to college at your high school too right yeah so we stay in the same building that's where i still live did you ever speak again? Never. No. I mean, we would see each other and he would just be a scowl. Man. Be a scowl. That's tough. Did he find other friends?

He moved. Did you get bullied? Ever? Were you guys cool or were you kind of dork? I picture you like freaks and geeks in high school i was in that world between dorks and most comedians were yeah most people i know were somewhere in between um noah was she was just trying to stay under the radar she was kind of were you goth noah i i mean all the goth kids were like cool in one section of the school yes and i wasn't a

part of their club either i was like an uncool like wannabe different person but you just wanted to not get like be seen was that oh yeah yes did you want friends at all or did you had you given up on that um well i i gave up on it because i was like embarrassed of how we lived so i just had like one friend who was just as poor as me so i was like i'm never gonna invite anyone to my house so much there was a kid on stage last night this guy aaron from um kansas city i forget his last name but he was the mc and he was talking about he's joking about it but growing up and his mom was a hoarder and he and his brother would just lie and say that they they that you know our parents are sick or like you can't come over they just stopped having friends because they were too

ashamed of the house and so they he didn't have any friends. It just breaks my heart that parents' disease makes kids not want to have people over. But I think that happens all the time and makes kids so lonely. Whenever I hear about kids not having friends or not enjoying high school, and most people don't, I think. Did you enjoy high school? I fucking loved it.

I loved it so much. That's why I'm obsessed with Columbine. I think I just want to go back to the days where I was in high, like things that happened when I was in high school and pre-columbine i mean those were the days no fear oh you didn't have to take your shoes off to go through tsa no you didn't do anything wait no that wasn't high school yeah pre-columbine no we didn't have any measures after columbine that were like instated people felt like that was gonna be a one-off thing that

never would happen again yeah even though it was happening a lot before columbine too oh i didn't know yeah everyone thinks columbine was the first one but no it was happening they were copycats um but yeah i loved high school so much he's still very good friends with all her high school girls yeah in fact we're gonna all go hang out with them this week tomorrow there's a girls trip that uma, Noah, Carlisle, Saralina, Kirsten, Hala, Taylor. And your sister. And my sister. Oh my God, yes. So there's like nine girls going.

Wow, where are you going? And three of them are my best friends since childhood and the rest are all friends I picked up along the way. Palm Springs. Oh, yeah. I don't know what to expect. I mean, is it that far away that it's going to get that much hotter? LA, it's like raining today.

It's only going to be like 70 degrees. Okay. Yeah, the woman from the Airbnb wrote me and said, do you want an extra $100 a day? I can heat this pool up for you. And I go, I heat it up, baby. Yeah. Heat that pool.

So we're going to have a pool and a um hot tub we went to palm springs once oh yeah do you remember that that was so long ago oh my god why that was the only time i've ever been really yes oh well you gotta go back from that pump it was it was fighting or something it was uh we we were like okay, July 4th weekend's coming up. What are we going to do? It was so hot. We got to do something. Yes.

We were in this mode where it was like, we can't let these holidays just waste away. And I was like, yes, we can. I have a boyfriend that is very much like, we got to seize the day. Oh, he seizes. And he does. He loves traveling. He loves experiences. And I'm like, we can absolutely have a forgettable 4th of July. But no.

We said, no, we're going to go to Palm Springs. Yes. And we're going to hang out by the pool. Right. Yeah. And it was extremely hot. And I had just gotten Jack, my dog. That was a brand new dog, basically.

And he was so hot in the car. And I was like super nervous. Were you single at the time? Yeah, of course. Yeah, so you were single but Rob was there with his wife now. My friend Rob Stern

and Meredith who are married. So you were just the extra. I was the fifth wheel. The fifth wheel. Yeah, fifth wheel. I remember going to a Mexican restaurant. I don't remember much else from that trip. We got Thai food delivered.

Yes, I remember that. And I remember the mist by the pool. Yes. But other than that, it was excruciatingly hot yeah and luigi was there oh yeah i remember that too i remember the um okay so but isn't that weird you can go on a whole trip and not really remember fucking anything well that's palm springs really palm springs is a haze especially when it's hot. You just go there and it's going to absorb you. My memory just throws everything away after a decade. It's like with taxes. You just throw away anything older than seven years.

I meet people and they'll tell me, remember we took that road trip to LA and you had an audition and I'm like, I don't even know your name. I don't remember this at all. They're like, it was just you, me, and two other people in a car for hours. No recollection. Yeah, there are things I've talked about, like podcasts I've done

and things that have documentation that I will never remember. I mean, I'm not kidding you. I met Larry David and I said, nice to meet you. And he said, we've met before. He remembered. I forgot meeting Larry David. And I said, nice to meet you. And he said, we've met before. Wow. He remembered. I forgot meeting Larry David.

Wow. Because I think I expunge things that are too much for my brain to handle. Like knowing Larry David or meeting him, if it didn't go the way

I wanted it to, reset button. And I just don't want to, and so when someone goes, you don't remember meeting me, I always go, I didn't remember meeting Larry David. So of course I didn't remember meeting you. Well, you got't remember meeting me, I always go, I didn't remember meeting Larry David.

So of course I didn't remember meeting you. Well, you got to do the trick, the Hollywood hello. Oh, nice to see you. I don't like that nice to see you shit. Yeah, nice. You don't like fake? That confuses me. Yesterday, Kathy Hilton did it to me.

I love Kathy Hilton, but I went to the Paris Hilton thing. Okay. Against what I wanted to do, which the only reason I didn't want to do it is because I didn't have an outfit planned. I didn't have hair and makeup. I was, I'm like sick.

I think I have bronchitis or something. Like, I just didn't feel good, but I went because we talked about it on the podcast and I knew that like,

I should do this. Yeah, you're peer pressured. Do I, am I glad I did it? No. Absolutely not. I should have stayed home home i was not in the

mood to do it kathy hilton but she she twice i go nice to meet you we've never met before i gave her that in of like i'm acknowledging you shouldn't know who i am yes and she still double timed nice to see you to me which if you don't know and you're listening nice to see you is the way that people in holly Hollywood greet each other in case they've met before. It covers you for meeting for the first time. Yeah. It's nice to see you.

Or it's like, we, we've never met before or we've met before. Nice to see you again. It kind of covers that as well. Yeah. Yeah. Um,

but she's locked into a nice to see you. She's adopted that. And that's her, that's her thing. Um, and she, um, she was hilarious and really fun and funny.

And Paris was just great and beautiful. And we shopped for baby clothes together at Saks Fifth Avenue. And every little garment was more money than I've ever spent on a shirt in my life for this little baby that would wear it one time. For like, you can only fit in it for two days. But it was rather very, it was very normal the way the shopping went. Like you'd think shopping

with Kathy and Paris would be this like monumental event and like they would shop in a different way. No, same old way. You just like go, this is cute.

At one point I go to the woman working, I go, how many times a day do you hear this is cute? She was like, thousands. And then Kathy goes,

this is adorable. I go, what about adorable? And she goes, less so. And I was like, thousands. And then Kathy goes, this is adorable. I go, what about adorable? And she goes, less so. And I was like, yeah. So I wasn't,

I just, I regret doing it because I wasn't my best self. I wasn't like, I don't feel super comfortable being like the kind of funny that I am around Kathy Hilton. Yeah.

And I looked so, like I looked like such a scrub. I put on the cutest outfit I could find, but I had no plans of even going to dinner with a friend while I was in town, so I don't have any cute clothes. And Kathy Elton at one point held up, I was wearing like a sweater with flowers on it,

like these like daisies on it that I've worn a million times. It probably smelled. And at one point, she held up like a kid's thing that had like hearts and flowers all over it and that was really ugly and she goes this would match your outfit and she wasn't trying to be mean she was just right and i was just kind of had to swallow and be like oh because i see i saw her

take in my outfit like what is this i mean the irony of everyone that works at sax that kind of judges you when you go into a nice store and you feel bad about your outfit and the staff there is kind of like you're gross i always want to be like you can't afford this shit either bitch you work here you're making 750 an hour why are you judging me i i gotta remind myself of that people that own shops are not like rolling in dough generally or even working in shops i don't understand shops at all i see shops all the time i don't see anyone in there ever they have like five shirts it's a billboard it's just a billboard yeah that's what they're mostly for yeah especially on rodeo yeah the old rodeo yeah but these places make you dress in their clothes but they won't

really pay for it and they give you a tiny discount and that's the hard part you have to have like yeah i feel bad for them all the time and you have to basically invest all the money you're earning there back into the dumb store yes um oh carlisle made me laugh so hard this whole like you get a discount thing doesn't everyone realize that everything's marked up like a hundred percent so if you're getting a 10 discount it really is not a lot but carl hell is talking about this new building she moved into over air one or she's good might move into um and it they give you if you live in this building 10 off at air one oh wow which is fucking nothing air one makes whole foods look like a soup pantry like like a place you'd go to get free food if you're homeless. That is the pricing at Erewhon.

Erewhon's insane. 10% off is nothing. Well, 10% off at Erewhon is like $50,000. Yeah, they have some spinach dip or something there that's famous. I forget what it is, but I saw it on Instagram. It's this big. It's like a quart, and it's $45, and they sell it during some holiday.

Thanks, Amy. Erewhon's insane and Erewhon just opened up around the corner for me which means like my... I mean, it's amazing. Noah and I went to one together recently for lunch.

I mean, it's great stuff but you have no business walking in there unless you're rich. No, I mean, you walk... You're a bad... They had valet parking mean, you walk. You're bad with money. They had valet parking, remember? Yes.

It's filled with people with eating disorders. When I had a full raging eating disorder and I was going to like two Bikram yoga classes a day, I would just starve myself all day. And then at night, because I was so, whatever it's called, orthorexic, where you're obsessed with like only eating organic food, I would go there and get these raw brownies

that the only ingredients were coconut oil, cacao shavings, coconut shavings, and that was it. And I would just eat that and be starving. And it was probably like 3,000 calories or something. And I'd be like, why am I fat? Because I just wasn't eating anything all day and then just eating like a bunch of coconut oil at night yes it was depressing and they cost so much it's like 30 for those fuckers i told when carla said that i was like i need to

get through to her do not go there 10 off is not enough to justify air one that's how they get you you can't grocery shop there. That's insane. No. It's already really expensive. If you go to Whole Foods, you get. Whole Foods is already a rip off. Yeah.

If you get it delivered from Amazon, then it costs, you know, there's fees in that. And then there's like Trader Joe's. I'm embarrassed to have my groceries delivered because then people have to see what I get. When you get takeout food, you know how they put like a sticker over the bag or they staple it and there's a sticker that says sealed for your protection?

You ever get that? No, but I haven't noticed it, I guess, because I usually am just like ripping it open like a fucking wild coyote. Well, it's like a new thing. Okay.

Like if you get DoorDash, you get a bag and then they'll put a sticker over it that says sealed for your protection. I was just wondering what you thought about that.

Well, I think that people were eating things before. Oh, yeah. I think people were rummaging around in there. That's insane. Or poison. No, it's not. I get it. Because if you're making no money as a little driver and there's some fresh fries in a bag.

And then they eat one of your fries. And guess what? I don't think it's that gross. If they're not touching your other fries, why is it that let them have a fucking fry well the sticker's not gonna stop them then you just pull it up and then close it well yeah well no they're gonna go so far you can't re-stick it you think it's well last night i got takaya and i spent fucking 90 on my takaya order they always throw in like four silverware things because they think that's how many people i ordered for.

And I ordered all these sauces and none of the sauces came and I was so furious. And then I was just like, who cares? Like, who am I? Like, I get to have this delivered. I get to spend $90 on takeout and it's like not a treat.

It's just like the way I live. Like, I'm doing pretty well. I can live without my sauces tonight. Sure, sure. But it was annoying and I did go on the app and I got reimbursed $10. But that's automatic

now. So that's great. Good for you. Thank you. My mouth is so stupid because right now I'm listening to your story. I have no idea what Takaya is and my mouth is watering. I'm like, you don't even know what she's talking about. I just heard sauces. What is it? Japanese food?

No, it's Mexican. Takaya tokaya organica yeah yeah organica wait you love the salsas you like drink salsa now i do i love i it's one of my favorite drinks i love sauces but i just am in this new thing of like when i'm starting to feel this panic of like persecution i just have to go you're lucky and everything works out for you so it honestly probably worked out that i didn't have like acid re-re because of the salsas you know like i could sleep through the night i keep waking up i have this cough that like won't go away it's crispy listen to my crispy cough honestly it sounds good really if i had that cough yeah i guess so But it sounds like a cough

that's like working. Yeah, you will. It's working on your behalf. You got it. I don't want it. I definitely don't want it. He's already got it. But it's like crunchy.

That's what's good about it. It feels like I'm shaking a can of Pringles. Yeah, it sounds satisfying. That cough is better than many coughs that I've heard. You want to know though? It's not getting anything up.

Once in a while something comes up, but there's nothing moving. And my voice teacher said it's probably bronchitis. And so I looked up bronchitis, and it checks out. I mean, what's the difference between the croup, bronchitis, strep? Strep I know hurts. This doesn't hurt. My throat's not hurting but I do wake up

in the middle of the night just like dry like coughing and crunching all over. Well, the reason I say it sounds good is because I think it sounds like a quality

like movie like a Foley artist cough. Oh, thanks. Like you'd put that cough in a movie because it's like not upsetting. Oh, fake coughs are the worst. Yeah.

When someone's like why don't you do some ADR work and earn some money while you're at it? Yeah, that's a good point. Stop wasting your time. I should commoditize this. Commoditize? Commodify? You only have it for a little while.

God, man. Succession is the best word usage. Yeah. I keep watching the show and I have just like a list. Can I go through a list of words and see if you guys know what these words mean? I mean, Anya's very good at words. Ironized. That's the first word before I find my phone.

Ironized? To make ironic? Yes. How do you know that? How do you know that? Because I thought it was to make something irony. Make it like iron. Yeah, I thought it was like some sort of chemical reaction that makes it iron.

Like iodized. Yes, that's what I thought. How did you know that, Anya? I just guessed. I don't think it's that smart of me, but give us more. No, it's very smart. Okay. Patois.

O-A-T-O-I-S. Yes, that's French. That's when you have a duck fat inside no that's pate here's my guess an overall coloring or color scheme or like patois

it's French for three dance it's the dialect of the common people of a region oh yeah I said that okay incoate I-N-C-H-O-A-T-E Wow. Far off. I said that. Okay. Hathwa. Inchoate. I-N-C-H-O-A-T-E. Inchoate.

Oh, I should know this. That sounds like a new tech company. Yeah. Or it looks like it says like in chocolate. Like look at how it's spelled. Inchoate. Is it like? Inchoate.

And they have to say it in a British accent to make it sound really stupid. Inchoate. Inchoate. It's like something that you're born with or something. Well, you're beating around the bush. It's just begun and so not fully formed or developed. Rudimentary. That's such a good word.

Epiphenomenon. Wow. They say all these words in succession? Yes. Yes, they do. That's such a good word. Epiphenomenon. Wow. They say all these words in succession? Epiphenomenon. Yes. And they, yes, they do. It's nuts. Epi means revolving around something. Epiphenomenon.

And a phenomenon is some event that occurs. So revolving around an event that was a significant event. A secondary effect or byproduct that arises, but does not causally influence a process that's right they were talking about that in the show weren't they talking about like the definition or not no they weren't talking about the definition they just used it they just expect you to know these things they all the the god the show is so freaking good the new i know you don't watch it but the new episode is fucking incredible you watch the new episode yes yeah i'm obsessed and i love um i just

love everything that's happening on that show so much and i don't want to give anything away but um logan has like a a there's this one part where, you know, the patriarch who's this like disgruntled gruff man who just says fuck off all the time. He's just mad and no one can get him. Like he's never been, he's never lost.

He always wins. And he has this moment in this diner where he's asking his bodyguard and he has no friends at this point. His family is kind of estranged and like all of his friends and his wife is fucking they don't want to divorce because it would cost too much but she's gone you know and he's just like at this diner with his bodyguard and he's just like what do you think happens after this like what do you think what's what comes after and the bodyguard's talking and he just keeps interrupting him because this guy is incapable of like hearing anyone else out

or being interested in anyone else like most men on a date. And so he just keeps asking questions that he answers himself. And then he goes, he goes, I don't know. The thing is you don't know.

You can't know. And he goes, but I've got my suspicions. I've got my fucking suspicions. He's like, he's mad about, like this guy is always paranoid that someone's out to get him yeah and he's even and when after he dies he's like already angry about

whatever's like gonna happen to him and like someone's gonna try to fuck him over it's just so well done and the acting is superb and i just love you have a favorite character yes uh fucking what's his name? Roman. He's my favorite. He just is like, fuck you, and just like quick. And he says the funniest things. And he's also like the most emotional. And he's, you know, I don't know.

Like he's just been kind of screwed over because he's the youngest one. And he was kind of like bullied as a child. And he has weird sexual hangups. And he talks like this. And he's just like, fuck you, sis. I don't care. And I just think there's like an innocence to him. Altogether though,

Tom Wombscams is what I'm rooting for and I'm really glad that he's fucking giving Shiv the shiv and is like not putting up with her shit anymore and he's just a sweet character.

I just love, I love them all for different reasons and I also hate them all for different reasons. The show is so well done. Anya, did you see the new episode? Yes.

I watched it twice. Ah, I'm ready to go back. I think the part with the Burberry bag is great, and I loved the article in the cut about the Burberry bag. This one character shows up to a party, and they just do such a great job of showing all of the bullshit around wealth. She has a $3 three thousand dollar bag this one

girl that's a three thousand dollar bag yeah it's a burberry bag and evidently burberry went through this whole not scandal but like their brand kind of went down so they're poking fun at the bag because she's not the right kind of rich like she shows up with a big clunky burberry bag and so tom wamsgans has a great line that's like i'll rate it to you yes i have i have a um account that um said so he says so greg the young like cousin greg who's kind of like a buffoonish character he brings i have it he brings the this girl with him to his uncle's birthday party. And he's like, I think, you know, he goes up to Tom. And he's like, I think she's leaving.

I don't know. And he goes, why? Because she brought a ludicrously capacious bag. What's even in there, huh? Flat shoes for the subway? Her lunch pail? I mean, Greg, it's monstrous. It's gargantuan.

You could take it camping. You could slide it across the floor after a bank job. And this is the bag. It's so funny. It makes me like so paranoid that I have big bags now. And capacious was a word I had to look up right away. I paused it because I was watching with Chris. And every time a word comes up that we don't know, I pause it.

I go, what do you think that means? And so he was like, I think it's like capacity so big and i'm like you're right capacious that's a great word yeah is chris always getting queen bee on the context i mean that was me yesterday i was the girl with the big bag walking into sax to meet kathy and paris hilton two of the most articulately perfectly poshly dressed people i looked like a hoodlum and there was no there was no and by the way i was texting the producers on my way there being like i'm dressed disgustingly i'm really anxious about it i am not feeling good i need you guys to know this and i show up and they go you're fine and she goes you're dressed exactly like me and i go you're are you going

shopping with kathy hilton no you're working on you're a crew member on a show all day i was like i'm not supposed to be dressed like you she was like i'm just like you i'm like yeah but you are you're working all day so how did it go i mean i mean i wasn't able to be that funny because i was just too nervous and like if there was one other funny person there, it would be fun because that person could like, if I would have brought a friend who is funny,

we could have been funny with each other and laughed at the fact that our jokes don't go well. But when I make a joke and it doesn't go well, it's just Kathy and her, Paris and her mom, they're not like not good laughers.

They just don't, Kathy didn't know who I was. No context for who I was. Paris didn't fill her in. Right right it was nice to see me paris was just like this is my friend nikki it wasn't like this she's a comedian so there was no like right pretext for like let's let's expect her to be funny so i was doing kind of funny things and saying funny things but i also felt so uncomfortable with how i was dressed i couldn't be comfortable i couldn't be myself because i just thought it was so cute i liked it i felt so embarrassed adorable the way kathy hilton looked me up and down i guarantee you you would not have felt comfortable in my outfit

yeah i looked capacious my pants were too big um it was just it i didn't i didn't look cute and i just didn't feel comfortable regardless of they were so nice to me and they were so funny and they were funnier than i was i was just too nervous and so i'm saying this next time i'm gonna trust my instinct and not go yeah yeah yeah sometimes you're right sometimes the thing that's hard to do that you're like do the hard thing. Sometimes you don't want to do it because it's you. There is a reason to be scared. You're not prepared. We got to go to break and I'll talk more about.

And then I had I had a whole night last night as well. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture. You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from John and the team of correspondents and contributors. The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else, like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines listen to the daily show ears edition on the iheart radio app apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts so i finished the paris thing yesterday and then i had like a couple hours before I had agreed. Somehow I agreed to do three sets and I don't know how it happened,

but I was like bronchitis. And then I couldn't check in my hotel till four. So I got here at one and I had to wait in the lobby for three hours with nothing to do except be on my phone and look at pictures of myself when I was thinner. And so I was just in a bad mood. I come up here. I smell bad, but I don't have time to really shower and redo my hair because i'm trying to keep my hair from the iheart awards so i can bring it to the fucking sax with avenue and look like

at least something looks good on me and then so i feel sticky and gross and then i have to and then i'm like okay i'll get a little nap in. I can't nap before the sets because of my bronchitis. I tried to cancel a set, the 1020, my latest set. So I had a nine o'clock, a 930, and a 1020. And I'm like, let me get out of that 1020. But I agreed to do the 1020 like that morning. So why would I get out of something that I agreed to do so late? But I wrote to him and I go, how annoying is it for me to cancel? And was like i just had ida rodriguez to cancel and i'm like i won't

cancel on you so i do them all um i had to kick out at one i got heckled at the comedy store and this girl would like love me she had a shaved head and she was just very enthusiastic about everything i said and then they kicked her out and she was like crying on the way out and so that was kind of like rough and I was a little bit mean because when I, that's why I don't do crowd work because I always go mean. Yeah.

Because the funniest thing is to say, is to say a mean thing. Sure. That's not really true. You're so lovely. Like you'll be like, you're straight,

tell your voice. Like, which is mean but hilarious and you're always very gentle with people. I feel like everyone knows you're kidding. But that's not funny

because I always gentle because I was like, babe, I'm so sorry you're getting kicked out. I was like, we know like you're always very gentle with people i feel like everyone knows you're kidding but that's not funny because i always gentle because i was like babe i'm so sorry you're getting kicked out i was like we know like you're you she was like but i love you and i was like i know it's just you're too annoying and and i go i'm sorry you were molested because i was talking about molestation and then she started mouthing up and i go this is the product of like if you touch kids they turn into this like someone who doesn't really know social boundary. Like she's fucked up from it. I go, 100% that girl was molested. She had a shaved head.

She was just being very loud and like, I love you and she wasn't listening. I was trying to engage her in a way that like would make her a part of the show, but she wasn't responding. So they kicked her out and she's just pleading on the way out and like just begging.

And I'm like, I abandoned her like Doug on the battlefield. On the lawn. And then they told me afterwards she was crying outside. And they were really nice to her, though, at the comedy store. They were like, listen, it happens all the time. We know you were trying to help. It just didn't work out. You come back again.

She's just too drunk to realize what she's doing. Yeah. So that, and then I go to the 10th, 20 spot. And Tiffany Haddish is there. She wasn't even on the lineup, but I go, Oh, Hey.

And I go, do you know, bet Midler's here? Cause I'm walking in and they go, this is star studded crowd. And I go, who's here? And they go,

bet Midler. And I was like, bet Midler is at a 10 o'clock improv show on a Tuesday. What? So I'm excited. I see her in the court, like in the back, she's by herself.

I think she was by herself. And, um, then Tiffany Haddish comes in and I go Tiffany Bette Midler's here and she goes I know I invited her and I was like what the fuck you're friends with Bette and so she was like I met her she was I met her at the Met Gala the second time I did it and then I ran into her and she was like we kept in touch through the pandemic and then I met met her. I saw her earlier. I was having dinner. I saw her and I told her I was doing a set. And she was like, I want to go. So Tiffany brought her there.

And then I did a set. And it was really fun because I like, I was, it's the only time I've ever been like, what does Bette want to hear? Like, I wasn't thinking about anyone else in that crowd. So I did a total Bette set. And then I left afterwards and because i had to go home and sleep and then i woke up to a text this morning that said that the booker of the show said bet meddler was looking for you afterwards she wanted you to take a picture with

you isn't that sweet that's amazing i missed out that was cool and then i and then i um ate some sauiceless mexican, went to bed. That was my day. So what was the bet set? What kind of topics did you cover? Aging. Being a woman in this industry and what the bullshit is and how you have to be so talented. If you want to get old, you better keep your talent up.

And how, yeah, just like, and, you know, fuck you J-Lo for lying to people. You've all had facelifts. Everyone has facelifts. I'm going to get a facelift. Just a lot of aging stuff and a lot of like call in hypocrisy out for Hollywood. Did you see her in the crowd? No, but she was right underneath the light in the back of the room.

So it was like very dark. You couldn't tell if she was laughing. But I, but if she, Bette asked for me afterwards. So I'm guessing. You must have thought it was good. That's so cool. I'm guessing she liked it. So that was fun.

So you had Bette Midler ask for you and that drunk girl in the same night? I know. I mean, you're crushing it. Maybe it was Bette Midler asked for you and that drunk girl in the same night i know i mean you're crushing it maybe it was bet middler in the first show yeah can you imagine throwing bet middler out of your show i mean you could have asked me all day yesterday name celebrities that could come up to your come to your show the least likely and she would have made my list of least likely least likely to show up yeah but but at the same time you're kind of like no that makes sense for bet being out on a late at i mean jamie lee curtis won't go to a show at 7 p.m how old is bet middler i would guess okay let's do a little let's let's do a bet let's do a bet bet yeah all right um i bet she is 73.

Okay. Anyone else? I thought she was 72. I'm going to say 74. Wow, this is really all in the same range. Would you guys have said this had I not said 73? I'm going to bet that she's $1. Yeah, I'm going to bet one.

She's $1. I'm going to uh 80 okay yeah i don't think that's a horrible bet yeah brian's over can you tell me how old she is yes 77 wow that middler out at the fucking night 77 yes any wins. I have a downstairs neighbor. No. No, she was just watching. Okay. No.

Yeah, yeah. No, no, no. I have a downstairs neighbor who's 89. Oh. And she is. Wow. She's the type of person that would go to a comedy show at 10 o'clock on a Tuesday. I guess I got to keep you alive to be that active. You got to keep moving.

You got to keep going like a shark. The secret. Yeah, like a shark. Yep. I heard you say it yesterday. You're going to do it. I'll probably make it to probably. You're going don't know i'm tall though tall people don't live long you're not that tall they say the new generation is living to 110 is that right

that's what um uh life insurance or people who do financials for like your long term they plan for you to be 106 wow just good news well the fact that we're not all inhaling cigarette smoke 24 7 yeah that's going to give us a slight advantage your parents our parents all inhaled cigarette smoke for 40 years yeah everywhere they went yeah they would smoke 30 or 40 years and smoke too but secondhand smoke is was uh horrific on planes i mean it's just insane the fact that you could smoke on a plane the fact that i get i walk by someone smoking and i'm like oh god and like that was just the air back then yeah but now i'm getting it i'm getting it a little bit with weed smoke now oh weed smoke is everywhere people are not conscious

of the fact that it smells no and when i, and when I've smoked weed, I've always been conscious of that, and people are always like, it's fine, it's weed, it doesn't, and I'm like, no, people, this is annoying. I've never been someone who smokes weed who thinks it's cool and that everyone should have to deal with it. I mean, when I'm on the

road and I'm in my green room, and I know that I'm not smoking out the green room I just go in the shower or something and try to keep it a little bit contained but like people who just waft it through the street and I'm constantly walking by it be ashamed yeah be ashamed of this drug habit you have a little bit try to keep it you know contained it's not about shame for the drug habit it's about shame for being rude. Maybe people don't want

to smell that. I hate shame and I think it's the worst thing possible so I don't really mean that. I do feel like you should have... I have shame with smoking and I don't think that everyone should have to deal with it. I always ask beforehand if

I'm going to do it in a green room with other people, like is this, you know, or I do it, wait till they're gone and like waft it away. But it's like, it's just gross. But especially now that you can vape and it doesn't smell like anything. Vaping is so horrible and it makes you feel like it just,

it's, I don't like vaping at all. Because first of all, vaping for me as someone who can be very addicted to weed is dangerous because you can do it everywhere. And at least when, if I want to get high and I'm smoking weed, I have to be stinky. I have to do a thing that I have a cigarette butt thing that I have to put

out somewhere. Like it's an, it's an inconvenience. It makes it so like i have to really want it when i can just vape anytime any day i'm high 24 7 it just it within three days if i get a vape i'm doing it constantly yeah and i don't keep it to just i'm not someone who can just like moderate so i think smoking weed when i do when i am in those spells of doing it it just keeps me more honest and it makes me do it less because it is gross.

Isn't it crazy regarding like fears of what's going to kill us that no one was getting like acrylic nails done when we were growing up, really? And that stuff seems so toxic. And were they having like explosions of chemical gases like what they are now? Like, are we really better off now than

when we were growing up well yeah they weren't drinking from plastic water bottles constantly there's there's going to be new and they weren't constantly on their phones all the time like there are new cigarettes and sugar wasn't in everything and corn syrup wasn't ever in everything so yeah there are other things that are killing us but and there are things we don't even know no that are killing us that we don't even know yet that they're going to kill us 20 years from now they're going to be like guess what LaCroix bad yeah oh yeah BPA is in LaCroix you know when you drank vitamin water zero and you thought you had no sugar well that's bad well we all know aspartame is bad

or whatever those fake sugars are they're not good I drink six vitamin water zeros a day really? still? I'll drink like one

I think I have one with me I know I saw it in your bag what is it called? it's a funky flavor oh this is the best flavor of vitamin water gutsy it's a watermelon peach

oh summer flavor that does sound good yeah no it's good it's good it'll kill me but it's good do you do good. It'll kill me, but it's good. Do you do that instead of water? No, I'll drink.

I just don't drink enough water. I don't either. I don't like water. It's so boring and it makes my stomach hurt. Wow, that's not normal. I don't like water. Unless I'm super thirsty, I struggle with drinking water. Are you drinking tap water?

Yeah. I mean, I have a burkey system that chris got me but i just like i i have no problem with tap tap water doesn't bother me it's any water it's just like it is a nuisance to drink it feels like annoying to have to do it i'm never like water get your water in in the morning i do wake up you chug a liter of water and then you're like okay that's my water for the morning. Yeah, like a plant that you forget to water all week and you just dump a bucket on. Yes. Yeah, I don't think that's how you're supposed to do it.

I think you're supposed to sip it all day long. Nikki's been a chugger since infancy. Yeah, I was chugging a baba in a picture. There's a picture of me as a baby, and I'm just like this with a bottle, like getting the last rub, and it's's like like just chugging a baba um yeah i chug everything i get these extra hot coffees like a venti coffee i can finish an extra hot venti latte and i'm not joking you and this is without trying two minutes wow two minutes extra hot like you don't have extra hot well i get them extra hot

so that i slow down because if it wasn't extra hot i could do it in one sip a whole venti we have to tell besties how you get this extra hot feature remember we had someone message you you just say extra hot and then they just make it matter and then they listen yeah they that's it's almost a fee it's a feature on the app too. You just put in extra hot. Because I don't understand people that get regular drinks without the extra hot. If you get tea, that's different because tea is always so hot because of the hot water. But regular lattes, they would get room temperature within two minutes.

Yeah. So I don't understand. And people that just sip on regular lattes all day, do you not have a problem sipping on a room temperature drink noah uh well ever since you taught me about this life hack i just order it extra hot now but before were you like oh it's kind of gross now yeah it would get cold it gets especially immediately especially if you're picking it up it's like like on the counter for who knows how long. That's why I always order them exactly four minutes before I get there because it will always be like up within a minute of when I get there and it's not sitting there.

And that's my cold drinks are always kind of advantageous. But those I suck down immediately. I mean, like they don't stand a chance. I can do them in one sip. I could drink a vitamin water all day long. Me too. Like the complete cookie. No, I'm saying I could take one bottle and it a vitamin water all day long me too like the complete cookie no i'm saying i could take one bottle and it'll last me all day what i'll tell you said you had six i was

that was a joke i was doing it for for the purpose of all day long you're just sipping on it yeah so i'll what i'll do which is like how does anyone be like aren't you like starving to death if the speed you eat and the speed you drink. I don't know. Something's wrong. But I drink some of it. And then sometimes I'll drink like a quarter of my vitamin water and I'll put it back in the fridge. Oh, my God. Yeah.

People find that to be insane. Yeah, it really is. And then I'll have a half a vitamin water later. It just like is like, oh, I can have some more of this later now. No, I've never understood people that can like save leftovers for later or go i'm gonna have this lunch i'm feeling a little full i'll put it away and have the rest of it for dinner yeah yeah whatever i'm doing it's not working no it's great what do you mean well it's not working i want i don't feel good but i don't feel good no no never but i do

what do you feel like final thought why are you feeling bad what do you feel oh it's somatic let's do it totally i mean it's psychosomatic constant pains but i do save half of vitamin water and that makes it all where are your pains everywhere really yeah you just went for a run this morning yeah so i wanted to say that because it's raining yeah and so i went for a run this morning in the rain because i go for a run in the rain more often than i will on a normal day because i feel like i'm getting something over on the rest of the people in the world who refuse to run in the rain because it's like psychotic to be running in the rain yeah it's dumb it's slippery out there yeah whereas uncomfortable but now i'm running and it's like yeah i'm getting it done today

whereas if it was a sunny day i'd just be like i don't want to go running so you're doing it as a fuck you to everyone driving by you being like man that guy's actually doing it i'm not doing a good job today you're trying to like make people feel guilty i'm more motivated to do it when i get that and you know what this is what so many people do on instagram no one has ever been motivated by a workout you post on Instagram, by the way, anyone posting your little workout or like how much weight you've lost or some stupid achievement. No one, you've never made someone feel good about the only person you're making feel good is you. No one's ever been like, wow, I'm going to go move my body today because you got in a bunch of reps of whatever dumb workout you're doing.

It's solely to brag and it's solely to make other people feel less about themselves, which is a great marketing tool for whatever business you're trying to run. So you're doing the right thing. But stop pretending motivation Mondays that you're trying to motivate anyone with your bullshit. You're not. You don't want anyone to look like you. That's what makes you stand out from people. And then they say, I know a lot of people have been telling me that they were inspired to work out because I posted this. They say that.

I don't know if it's true or not. Well, we all know that a lot of people in celebrity speak is one. Yes. Yes. A lot of people didn't ask how my drinks are getting extra hot. One person did. But it does become like people are asking. You know, people always I always see people writing like a lot of people asking where I'm going to be this weekend.

Lot of people. It's like one person DM'd you at most, and they probably weren't even asking that specifically of a question, and you could have written them back. You don't need to tell us all that. A lot of people asking. And by the way, there are a lot of people. Not a lot of people asking.

It's like, speak normally. It's just like, stop lying and saying a lot of people are asking. No one's asking. A lot of people are asking me, how did you get so funny? But I just don't understand what, when I say a lot of people ask, sometimes there are things that a lot of people ask about something. But I generally don't think, there was a girl that we mocked so endlessly in my girl's chat who posted about,

it's been three years since the pandemic and these are all the things I've gotten done in my life. And it was like, boom, boom, boom. And just a list started appearing of like, I wrote a book, I sold a book. I froze my eggs. I did it. I had a baby. I lost 20 pounds.

I ran a marathon. I did it. Like all this shit. And it's like, who is this for? Who is that going to make? First of all, we can't change the last three years of our lives. So unless I've done equally amounts of impressive things, this only makes me feel bad about myself. Yeah. So the only me feel bad about myself. Yeah.

So the only reason you're doing this, so when you see someone bragging like that, please know that they are not trying to inspire you. There is not a part of them at all that is trying to inspire you. There are people on social media that do try to inspire and they do inspiring things,

but the people that post their workouts generally are not trying to inspire. They're trying to sell you aloe. It's always aloe. Aloe clothing. Yeah, they're always trying to sell you aloe. Oh, God. I've never seen one of those videos

without someone wearing aloe. Yes, yes. It's always aloe clothing. And it's always... I just... Have you guys ever felt motivated by someone bragging on Instagram? Has it ever made you feel better about yourself?

Well, it can make you feel worse about yourself. Yes. Which then makes you motivated to do something. That's never happened. To close the app. Has that happened to you? For working out? Yeah, to close the app.

Oh, not working. It makes you motivated to close the app is what Noah said. But it doesn't. It makes me go deeper and go, okay, let me go deeper in her feed. I liked how that motivated you to create your own picture of what you've done since the pandemic, which was so fucking funny. Oh, yeah. So Carlisle.

So I posted this in the girl's chat of like, who is this for, you guys? Who do you think this girl posted this for other than herself to just brag? And so then Carlisle made one of like all the things like it's been three years since the shutdown here's everything i got done and then mine was yeah and so i made one carlisle made one i won't read carlisle's just for anonymity's sake but mine was quite fun nicky's was like i've lost 10 000 strands of hair i, mine was really, you know, classically like negative and exaggerated. Oh, here it is. Oh, so this is the picture.

Oh, no. That she posted. And it wasn't a picture. It was like her moving around. So I'm not going to show it. But she's just like brag, brag, brag, brag, brag all the way down. And so we all did one. I said, it's been three years since lockdown.

In that time, I've farted in public and someone heard it three times. Spent $96,000 on an apartment I never set foot in. Prayed to God to end my life 1,611 times. Burnt my leg with a curling iron and now it's infected one time. Learned four chords on the guitar. Spent $15,000 on a book I never wrote. Dressed to go to the gym

and never did it 203 times. Said fuck you and hung up on my mom and dad twice. Eaten 400 protein bars in bed between the hours of 1 a.m. and 6 a.m.

Actually followed through on two out of 1,766 creative ideas. That has been my three years of lockdown. And that, I feel motivated. I know. That's so honest.

That makes people feel better. When you share things about yourself that are embarrassing and are real, but sharing your things that you've accomplished only make people feel worse. And I wish people would stop doing it so much. And if you need to brag, just say, I need to brag.

Don't mask it in myself. And it feels good like sometimes when i'm depressed that's a tool i use where i'll be like what did you accomplish today and then i'll write it down for myself and that feels great but i'm not gonna broadcast it online like hey you dumb fucks you fat lazy slobs look what i did i'm working out at 6 a.m so i i ran in the rain this morning but i didn't post about it. Although I told you because I thought. No, it was interesting.

You can tell your friends. Listen, you can brag and boast to your friends all you want. It's like when you're putting it on your social media. I think that we all are aware that we're all being poisoned by comparing ourselves to other people. So we need to do our best to combat that. And so when you post something that is really braggy, make sure you like tell the truth behind it. Like, yeah, that's the way to do it. Cool. I don't, I, I try when I post a really hot picture of myself to let everyone know all the work that went into it and like the thing and to say, I'm

lucky. These are things I'm lucky that happened. It's not because I'm went into it. And like, and to say, I'm lucky. These are things I'm lucky that happened. It's not because I'm better than you. And it's like, I think that people really do think they're better than other people. Yeah. Most of the time. They don't really acknowledge that it's just luck.

Well, you have to post, you know, when you're, when you're trying to be in the public sphere, you have to post your accomplishments. You have to brag all the time. Like you always say, like the reason you get these Getty images is because you have to post your accomplishments you have to brag all the time like you always say like the reason you get these getty images is because you have to put a getty image out there every

once in a while to yes to make people know that you know they're uh that you exist yeah yeah you have to brag so like you know uh i always think about this because i mean whenever i have something that i'm like i want to post about this i don't know what to put in the caption to not sound like either way yes like i'm bragging or i'm too cool a good place to like let some like steam out yeah where you can go like i hate doing this hashtag this is obnoxious hashtag tons of makeup hashtag it took a village hashtag we're all gonna die hashtag like i like to like remind you posted that uh uh in your last instagram post where you were taking pictures on the red carpet oh yeah and i said we're all gonna die and we'll

all be forgotten someday yes yes because it really did look like who does she think she is posting this i posted because not because i'm like look how hot i look it's just interesting to see what that kind of looks like that from that angle and also it's i think it's good to post that so that we know like what you're up to. Yes. You need to let me, it's part of my job, but I'm not going to deny

that this is all really obnoxious and it looks like I think I'm better than people when I post this stuff. But I truly, I hope people know that I don't.

There's a lot of guys out there who are able to pull off just being a hundred percent confident and uh like i'm the best and that's like and that works for them yeah like there's there's famous guys yes who are just like i'm the fucking best here's me on the red carpet being the best and everyone loves them for it uh-huh i don't think i could pull that off no no i mean red carpets are so embarrassing because you have to be like,

I look sweet and pose in a way that's like, I think I'm great. And like, put your chin up and like, it's, you got to just fake it because, but yeah, it does work when confidence is like everything.

I've been attracted to like some really disgusting people because of confidence. Yeah. No confidence is one is maybe the most important thing in life ever yeah and it's not you know what it's not it's not necessarily confidence it's just being comfortable in your own skin and liking yourself yeah it's not like thinking you're better than people it's just being okay with you and not wanting more from other like not wanting anything more like not being jealous of other people like if

you can nail that and really believe that and just be like i like who i am you are set there's nothing there's nothing more anyone should wish for in life than that ability but it is so hard yeah no i always say that about malala yeah yeah what do you mean what are you always saying about malala that she just like likes who she is yeah yeah she kind of does and greta thunberg yeah yeah yeah what do you mean what are you always saying about malala that she just like likes who she is yeah yeah she kind of does and greta thunberg yeah yeah yeah yeah she also likes who she is yeah and um lizzo yeah well lizzo i don't know lizzo sometimes i question i go is this performative body acceptance because i think at some point women if you if you ever feel insecure about your body you can't tell anyone because then you're bad example, women, if you ever feel insecure about your body, you can't tell anyone

because then you're a bad example for women. So if Lizzo were to have a bad day, she has to just fake it like she loves herself. And I think she actually does, but I think there are a lot of women that just fake like they love themselves when they don't. And I don't even think that's good for women.

I think sometimes Lizzo will be like, I had a rough day and she'll post about it. Yes. Yeah, you're right. I had some really tough times. I love Lizzo will be like, I had a rough day and she'll post about it. Yes. Yeah, you're right. Some really tough times. I love Lizzo so fucking much. I think she is just a gift to the world and not just with her music.

I really do think she is just so inspirational. And yeah, I do believe she really loves herself. All I want to know is who, what did your parents do? Because if I ever be a parent parent i want my daughter to have lizzo's love for herself but how do you do that that comes from parenting yeah yeah like i always was like what what did lizzo's parents do what did taylor's swift's parents do well that's what adam sandler's parents did what did adam yes exactly that's that's it man okay we gotta go

thank you for the shows this week everyone We really got to it I will be in Bethesda Is that right? Bethesda? Bethlehem Bethlehem Pennsylvania next week Hampton New Hampshire At the casino next week And then off to

Tucson And one other place too I forget but I'm on tour. In Vegas with David Spade. I'm going over to his place right now to shoot a promo video. I guess I got to put on makeup or something. Thank you guys so much for listening to the podcast this week.

I'll be back in St. Louis next week. We won't have a pod next week. No pod next week. We're taking a break because we're done with season two. Right? Something like that. Okay, so season three of the podcast will begin soon, but we will be off next week. But don't you think we won't be back because we will.

Love you guys so much. Thank you for listening. Don't be cool and just be like Lizzo. Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast. Join late night legend John Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews, and more. Now this is a second term we can all get behind.

Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.